I agree with a lot of what you said. My wife ended our 14 year marriage and blamed everything on me. Made me out to be the villain. I believe she is destroyed from having gone through triple negative breast cancer. I supported her through all of it. What I don’t completely agree with is that she has the right to believe she is correct. She didn’t even try to fight for us. Her decision has destroyed me and it has hurt our son. Divorce is so destructive and I’m sick and tired of this idea that when things get hard you just give up. Why ever get married if you just blame the other person and divorce when you feel like it. Divorce is not okay.

@Yah_ThatsMe

Жыл бұрын

Maybe she had no more fight left in her after beating cancer. ?!

@timizo691

Жыл бұрын

I went through my own hell during Cancer. Being a caregiver and watching your loved one go through this is torture. I was so afraid she was going to die. When treatment was done I was also exhausted. I still fought with everything I had to save our family. I was willing to do anything. For her and our son. She didn’t even try. My son and I deserve better.

@Yah_ThatsMe

Жыл бұрын

@@timizo691 do you think it’s bpd ? How long has it been since she left. ?

@timizo691

Жыл бұрын

@@Yah_ThatsMe She was clinically been diagnosed with OCD since she was about 6 years old. At times it was bad. She was all about things being contaminated. She had a mental break in college. I have wondered if there was other mental issues going on. BPD could be possible. It's been about 6 months now.

@jckagcm2261

7 ай бұрын

I’m sorry you’re going through this sir. Men are built different. There’s a reason these modern women are pushing the divorce rates so high. It’s her not you. God sees your effort and love, and sees her lack. Keep your chin up

My ex asked me to leave, said she wasn't happy, as soon as the divorce was finalized she wanted to get back together, she hates me because I told her no! No way in hell.

@mba2ceo

3 ай бұрын

smart man - when a slore returns it is because the OTHER guy kicked her to the curb ?

My ex-wife hated my guts after our divorce, and still hates me to this day. I didn’t cheat. I was never abusive to her. I mean we had normal couple arguments, but she literally acted like I was from the pits of hell. It’s threw me off so bad I couldn’t recognize the person she was.

@rangerwhite5165

Жыл бұрын

I know the feeling.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry that you had to (and maybe still have to) deal with that. How are you doing now?

@Lonwolf.

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach right now things are settled down that was in 2016 for our divorce. Now we just communicate for my daughter who’s 10.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@Lonwolf. I'm glad to hear that things have settled and hopefully you've been able to move forward with your life. It can be hard when you have a young child who keeps you connected in co-parenting.

@Lonwolf.

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach yeah it definitely can smh

It is not okay divorce couse you dont feel it when you have 3 little children

Yes! This is painfully true! I am dealing with a narcissistic wife whom always said “divorce is not an option”. What she meant was “divorce is not an option for you, but it is for me”.

My ex girlfriend cheated on me and blame me lol and then blocked me everywhere on social media like it was my fault like I am the bad guy victim mentality if someone has a victim mentality run, adults talk about problems "victims" will punish you every time they feel you don't full their expectations

@miguelangeldomingueztejeda4270

2 жыл бұрын

The only reason she is hatred about me is bc I found out who she really is and she is surprised 😯 If the other person makes you bad you need to have pity and compassion for them bc they are lost in life

It's not "Okay" when children are involved. Fault doesn't matter, sometime. Kids, vows, treatment, forgiveness, does. I worry about anyone who classify themselves as a coach, especially when it involves life or relationships.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

You may very well be right... but what is the cost of that attitude? Saying it isn't okay doesn't change her behavior. I can agree with you. We can write a letter. That won't change her words or actions. Even when the court tells her to change it usually fails to make her kinder. And what about you? If you stay in resistance to reality, insisting that it should be different, that she should act different, you are going to be angry or anxious or probably both. If you're angry or anxious, you're not going to be the best parent you can be. You're going to be distracted. You won't be able to be fully present for your kids, or to help them process the difficult emotions they are dealing with. Accepting her actions isn't about condoning them or saying they're 'okay' or 'not okay'. It's about clearing your own emotional baggage so you can show up for your children at a time when they desperately need a parent who can put their needs first.

Men: when asking yourself why a woman thinks or does something. Just ask this to yourself first: how would a mental spoilt child act. 90% of the time a woman will behave no differently.

You’re amazing! Thank you for taking the time to help people who are truly struggling and looking for answers to genuinely live a healthier life!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!!! Thank you for the lovely comment and for watching.

This brings so much clarity. Thank you!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome! Thanks so much for watching!

This made a lot of sense to me and it is a path to handling the acrimony and to setting a framework for a healthy post divorce relationship. It’s harder than it sounds. Easier said than done. But like you said, it’s a matter of putting in the work and expending the effort. I can still do now what I couldn’t do during the marriage. And letting her and my children process the situation on their own not as a cold removed person nor as a controlling manipulative person playing defense but rather a calm and peaceful person who respects her and the kids need to process on their own and simply to be there with genuine love and empathy. Not the needy love as you described but the genuine love that is strong not weak. Strong doesn’t mean here intense it means stable and steady. I also gained from your comments back to the other writer. I find these videos on target and very comforting and healing. Thankyou for your work. G d speed. Bryon Szojchet

I needed to hear this today. Please know this video has helped me so much.

Thanks. I re-watched today to help understand my current situation.

Awesome, thanks this video helped me to calm down, and carry on. I'm going to follow through with your advice and tell others.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

That's great! I'm really glad it helped. Thank you for watching and sharing! And hang in there... whatever she's going through and putting on you isn't truly about you, even if she thinks it is. Often what I see is that a spouse blames the other for how they feel, and then they leave so they can feel better.... but because their partner wasn't creating their feelings in the first place, they don't feel better! Sometimes people are able to recognize that they need to turn inwards to heal their own wounds and create their own joy... and often they double down on blaming the other person, even though they are no longer sharing a life. I'm sorry that you're experiencing that, and I'm really glad this helped.

Thank you for this great content. It's awfully hard for me to feel any compassion for a POS woman who spent (and continues to spend) years trying to convince the world that I had abused her. It's no wonder that she ruined the relationship with our son in the process as he was there and knows the real truth. Her recent suicide attempts have finally showed the world that I was not the monster she tried to create, and that she is truly nothing but a lying and manipulative nut job like her mother. No wonder why her ex boyfriend of many years coined the term "wacko" for her many years ago. Some women are honestly just evil. I lost close to half a million dollars in my divorce and I had a prenup which was her idea. She was nothing but a lazy dependent in our marriage as I made all of the money and I did everything around the house (cooking and cleaning). Moral of the story....don't marry the wrong woman and don't allow her be a non contributing member of the family. PS. Don't just look at the size and shape of your potential future mother in law. If the mother in law is a post menopause nut job, then her daughter will likely turn into the same.

You shed some much needed light on my darkness.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Chuck, I'm very glad to hear that. Thank you for watching. If you'd like a little more - more tools, more support, more shedding of light and hopefully banishing the darkness, please take a look at my Better Beyond Divorce Community. It is affordable - less than a single session with a typical therapist, and gives you access to trainings, coaching calls and a whole community of people who are in this with you. It might be the extra boost you need to push through and out of all this. Here are the details: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/bbd-community-landing Thanks for watching. I'm really glad the video was helpful.

Thank you very much to understand my wife . She was a loving wife and that’s why I couldn’t understand her . She is only trying to justify herself . I do feel for her pain .

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

9 ай бұрын

You're welcome. I'm glad this video was helpful. Thank you for watching and commenting.

This was incredible depth and understanding...I'm going through it and I found this captivating and gentle

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Hi Caleb, I’m so glad you found this helpful. I’m sorry you’re going through but right now. How are you doing? Do you have some support?

@caleblord6701

Жыл бұрын

Just pretty much watching your KZread videos I guess is about all the support I have.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@caleblord6701 It's great that the videos are helpful. Would you like more direct and individual support? If you think you might, check out this video: rcsloan87.clickfunnels.com/application-page1661304835892 It explains how coaching can help you move through this and what's involved. And if you don't want more direct support, the video should still be helpful. It goes into more depth on some of the techniques and tools I share here on KZread.

Started my journey now. My beautiful wife initiated. Still strong emotions for her but telling myself its over. Been living in different hotels for several months. Receiving barrage of hate messages and 1000% of the blame. Financially completely broke as living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. The beautiful young kids who are caught up. Video very helpful on “why she hates me”. I left after she asked me to whilst I was overseas on a work trip. I left everything with her. No energy, no drive, just a world of confusion. Dragging myself out of bed to speak to clients and read documents etc. Will be a long painful journey. Thank you

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Jay, thank you for being here and sharing some of your story with us. I'm really sorry that you're in such a painful place. I can hear the love you have for your children and even for your wife in spite of the vicious attacks she's made on you. You're right that this is a journey and that there will be a lot of painful and challenging emotions along the way. There can also be a lot of opportunity, in particular opportunity to discover and let go of your own self limiting beliefs, fears and doubts. Do you have a support system of any kind where you're living?

That was a great video. I've been trying to connect with my situation like that for a year now. I have a great counselor but I have let myself get trapped in the situation often. Not blaming anyone, just realizing that my life doesn't have to be like that anymore.

Loved your contact# I am currently dealing with that very same situation

Thank you. This helps.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome, I'm glad to hear that. Thank you for watching.

Appreciate you and your channel so much 😵

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thank you. That means a lot to me to hear. Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment.

I hang out with my ex wife's ex boyfriend from highschool now. She left him just as broken as me . When her mother said "don't break this one" at our wedding I should have known..

dam, this one really hit the spot. almost got me teary-eyed. And I aint even married lol Thanks G.

You nailed it, my soon to be ex if 24yrs, said she couldn’t handle my mental health work for us to be better, and had lost herself, throw hormones as well. I believed her reasons and played her game (though I went NC), though I dwelled on it and destroyed me,(she never saw me and I didn’t beg). My biggest challenge now because of my own issues and trauma is to transition to the empathy side because I am still in love w her, though I do ask myself,”what about her do I love about her, what did she give me that I can give myself?” Thank you for your work Racheal

Amazing advice

Bomb. Got me subscribed automatically!! My concern is, what if the divorce was enforced bc of a two year separation period but she still "surprisingly" initiated the divorce?

Thank you so much Rachael, you are so right. Thank you so very much.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

You are more than welcome. I'm really glad this video was helpful. If you haven't already watched my masterclass, please check it out. If you liked this video, it will help a lot. It goes into more depth and detail than these shorter youtube videos I post. You can find it here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register

Very on point. This sounds just like my situation except my wife also suffers from BPD, so the pain and shame in admitting fault and the black/white thinking are far greater and a part of everyday life, not just a symptom of our breakup. Really hard to feel empathetic to her right now, but I know in the long run that will be best. Thanks for this.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. I'm sorry that you're going through this, especially with the added complication of your wife's condition. Sometimes it is important to allow yourself to feel the resentment/anger/frustration before you try to jump ahead to empathy. Those emotions are strong and exist for a reason, and I find that allowing yourself to fully feel them and process them physically is an important step towards ultimately letting them go.

Yet more evidence for why marriage is a terrible idea for men. You build a family that someone else destroys and then you get kicked in the nads for it repeatedly afterwards because they lost tingles, got bored, or do not take their commitments seriously. Just like it’s ok to divorce, it’s ok to not get married.

Wait a minute, the consequences of divorce on a man are severe, immediate, and long lasting. The financial damage caused by an unhappy woman who files for divorce are bad enough. But the damage to the children are literally unforgivable. She started all of this, and she's angry about it. Quite frankly feeling bad about your decisions, feeling guilty, and a good amount of shame are literally the least a selfish woman should be willing to accept, sence in most cases the man takes on almost all of the negative consequences that are imposed upon him by the courts and rule of law. But now, the man is expected to not only accept his ex-wife's shortcomings, but feel compassion for her and her hurt feelings, because of a situation she caused. Pointing out this fact is labeled as "The Blame Game" , and the only was to move on is to be compassionate and move on? How is adding insult to injury help a man recover? I get it. You explained how a selfish person thinks and is incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. But, explain to me how that helps the man move on? Then you talk about how marriage vows and things like commitment are just arbitrary social constructs we invented as a society. If that's true, then why all tge severe and harmful financial consequences on the man. If she's unhappy pack up your things and go. At least leave me whole, why the need to destroy my finances too, if marriage vows are just an artificial construct. They may be an artificial construct for a woman, but believe me, the negative consequences to a man are very much real.

Thank you for explaining why relationships sometimes don’t work and the difference between black and white/ good and evil…

No it's not to breakup a family for your own personal desires. If a man does this he's the devil. If a woman does she has reasons it's OK?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

"If a man does this he's the devil." According to whom? Men and women are both humans, and they make choices for a lot of different reasons. One thing I know for certain, based on explorations of this with both male and female clients, is that everything any person does has a reason. Whether or not that makes there actions 'okay' is for you personally to decide. That's for each of us to decide for ourselves. If you decide it isn't okay, then what are the implications for you? What I hope to help people of both sexes realize is that arguing with reality causes immense internal suffering and doesn't empower you in ways that help you achieve your goals.

@TheMatrixofMeaning

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I'm sorry but as a victim of an abusive narcissist who used irrational excuses to Justify every hurtful word, accusation, invasion of privacy, overstepping of boundaries, personal attack, physical assault, cheating, and discarding, the most insulting thing anyone can tell me is that any of that was OK just because they can come up with a good reason to be a shitty human being. It's not ok to hurt those you claim to love, to betray your family, or to abandon your responsibilities just because you have new feelings that you don't understand. I'm sorry for taking your advice personally but that is the reason I clicked on the video after all. I know what I need to heal and move on but unfortunately I've separated from her and that doesn't work because we have children and they all depend on me financially. I'm just tired of hearing excuses and justification for terrible decisions that effect not just me but my children. You don't get to just decide one day you no longer want to be a responsible adult just because you can make up excuses after the fact.

@leefleming1938

Жыл бұрын

Women can make excuses for anything and our society justifies it. Love it how women use kids as ammunition against fathers. All we get as fathers from the system is f$&k u pay me!

When someone does heinous things like projecting hatred, spreading malicious gossip, sabotaging family relationships, and disregarding the welfare of children, to say that it is "not her fault" because of her childhood or some other excuse, denies agency, which is a denial of free will and a denial of human dignity. There IS a such thing as truth and error, good and evil, right and wrong. To deny this is to deny a fundamental tenet of human existence. Malicious abandonment is an evil thing, and no amount of coaching or catchy therapeutic phrases expressed in a soothing voice will change that reality.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 ай бұрын

Hi John, it sounds like you've been through hell. I can't express how sorry I am to hear how you've been treated and hurt. You're right that malicious abandonment is an evil thing. And evil things come from somewhere, and they get passed on - just like abuse, hatred, neglect and so many other toxic and harmful behaviors that so many people in our society engage in on a daily basis. The perspective I offer here is not intended to discount agency or responsibility. Quite the contrary. I hope to empower people to break these cycles by offering a broader picture understanding of how people come to be this way and to do these heinous things. Because if we don't understand where these behaviors come from, we can't break the cycle. In fact, I see a lot of men reacting to the abuse from their ex wives by becoming deeply angry, resentful, bitter and even hateful... and then they hurt others because of that. It may be coachy/therapy/catchy, but the phrase, "Hurt people hurt people" is simply true. If we can't acknowledge that, how can we start to change it? Someone has to break the cycle of hatred, abuse, abandonment, neglect. Unfortunately in your case that person is probably not going to be your ex wife. But it could be you. And maybe it already is. I'm sorry you had to live through this. I hope you have a good support system around you.

@johnmarcucci1719

2 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach You ask a good question. How do we change the eye for an eye mentality? One way we cannot do it is by saying "its not his/ her fault." It has the effect of absolving a person, and it is not within our power to grant absolution. All we can do is not be vindictive or hold grudges. Forgiveness can only come with repentance, followed by a firm purpose of amendment, and a good faith effort to repair the damage that was done. Most of the rest of what you say has value. Evil does indeed come from somewhere.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 ай бұрын

@@johnmarcucci1719 thank you for continuing the conversation with me. I appreciate your perspective. It's an essential topic.

Once again, the answer boils down to women being selfish and disconnected from the reality/consequences and the man has to bear the brunt of it, suck it up, and keep life moving.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

8 ай бұрын

It sounds like this has been your experience, and I'm sorry to hear that. It isn't my intention to make that claim in these videos, but rather to suggest that both men and women are humans who, due to the current popular views our society perpetuates, routinely confuse love with codependence. You may have more agency and freedom in this process than you realize.

This totally makes sense. She came up with a narrative of abuse. Checked out of the marriage 4 yrs before divorce and immediately had a BF. She took my kids but I got them back in court so I have custody. Stated on the record that she “hated” me too. She has problems and refuses to admit what she did. It’s been a real struggle when you are accused of abusing your wife and own children. That’s been what’s hurt me. But all the investigations and sexual evaluations came back negative. Truly a sick person. This helps me feel more sorry for her because you discussed everything she did!! Thanks from NC

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Michael, thanks for watching! Based on what you wrote, I feel sorry for her too. Living with that kind of hatred and anger feels terrible. Those emotions are usually secondary to fear, shame or insecurity and usually indicate that there are some deep unhealed wounds. I often think of someone who is so aggressively or irrationally angry and accusatory as a wounded animal in a cage. They are in pain and their nervous system is in a desperate fight/flight state. Reason or logic can't penetrate until the nervous system calms down, but if the source of pain is coming from within (which it usually is) the nervous system can't calm down until the person has an effective way of processing and dealing with the pain itself. I'm sorry to hear that she took so much of that out on you. I'm proud of you for being their for your kids and also for being able to even consider feeling sorry for her - that's a place it can be very hard to get to, as being attacked tends to make your nervous system charge up too!

@mikehinson5935

2 жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach thank you. Yes, I stay nervous and on edge.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

@@mikehinson5935 do you have it desire any support in managing your own nervous system response? There's a couple of good books if you're doing it on your own: Full body presence by Suzanne Scurlock-Durana Waking the tiger by Peter Levine An EFT or polyvagal therapist could be an awesome resource for you. And coaching may be a good fit too, depending on your goals and the specifics of what you're experiencing. If you'd like to explore the last shoot me an email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com and we can find a time to talk.

@mikehinson5935

2 жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach yes I have a desire but I’m financially limited. I use my EAP through my 23 yr career as a firefighter. I know I need help so I can be the best dad I can be. This job is a killer though. It’s stress from all angles. I’m not familiar with what you mentioned managing my nerves. I’m on 2 different medications from my Dr because he knows I’m getting hammered. I know I can’t afford a coach such as you. The counselors I’ve had can’t even wrap their head around what the kids and I have been through. Most are speechless and surprised I’m not dead but I refuse to die because I’ve seen so much death and suicide. I live for my kids!!

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

@@mikehinson5935 It sounds like your children are very lucky to have you. I'll respond to your email as well, but I wanted to give you some more options here because I think others will benefit from them as well. First, this page has a list of resources you may find helpful. It is geared towards people who support a depressed partner, yet many of the tools will apply to you. In particular the RAIN technique and the HeartMath exercise are good and simple ways to begin supporting your nervous system. www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom Secondly, there is a program called Mending Trauma. Their website talks about their women's program but they just launched a men's version in February of 2022. You can reach out to them here: hello@mendingtrauma.com I like this program because they guide you through a lot of somatic (body) work that will help work with the nervous system and manage stress. It is largely a self-paced program but with a fair amount of extra support and opportunities for coaching and I believe it is only $99/month right now. That might be a great way for you to get some affordable help that really makes a difference.

Today is my ex wife's first birthday after our divorce. She left me for exactly this reason. She hates me because she cannot face the alternative. She had 2 emotional affairs and decided she had never loved me in our 24 years of marriage. This video and others have helped me understand her. Even tho its her birthday, I cannot reach out to her and wish her well. I have learned in these past 3 months that being nice to her only makes things worse. It only destroys the narrative she has for herself about hating me and me being a bad person.

bless you , 31 years and this is what i’m going through . divorce papers signed and now living in the house complete stranger and she just gave up and i have to move on

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I’m so sorry, Dave. That’s a lot of years together and a lot to cope with. I don’t know many details, but I have seen a lot of men move through divorce after 30+ years of marriage. My experiences with them were that it is far from easy, and yet that life can renew in surprising ways in the wake of that pain. I’ve seen them find new relationships, but more inspiring was seeing them find themselves in ways that they had been missing all those years. I’m sorry you’re going through this, though I hope perhaps there will be a new knowledge of yourself out the other side that will make it all worth experiencing.

@user-zj5ml3yq7k

11 ай бұрын

all that happens in a divorce is is she gets every thing and is compensated 75 % of assets and YOU get to walk away if your lucky with no maintenance

@user-zj5ml3yq7k

11 ай бұрын

thanks .. still recovering and improving

Great topic. After weeks of shifting away from hatred, the core issue has become trust. My spouse has advised she has "zero" trust in me, doesn't know how to work on it, and advised it's the top barrier for reconciliation. It seems hatred and trust may go hand in hand. Or perhaps these two items are different?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Moving away from hatred and into trust issues is actually a good thing. She's making an objection to reconciling. While that might feel bad, it's actually a really good thing. If she's making an objection, she's asking for help in saying yes. If she wanted to say no she'd be gone already. Hatred and trust, in my opinion, are two distinct issues. There are a few things going on with trust in most relationships, one of them being that a lot of people don't fully understand what it means to trust. We tend to think that if I could trust you there would be no risk. However the need for trust inherently implies a risk. It's like that trust exercise where you fall back and people catch you. If you were falling back into a ball pit or onto an air mattress, you wouldn't need to trust the people. There's only a need for trust because there is a risk of being hurt. And yet in relationships many of us insist that as long as we feel like there is a risk, we can't trust the other person . Perhaps that is a good topic for another video. In your case though, what matters more is what you do when she says she can't trust you. It's important to meet her where she is. This is true in any situation in a relationship. Meet her where she is, help her to feel validated and heard and then work together to find solutions . The words that you use isn't nearly as important as the way you say them. Your goal is to show up feeling love, compassion and genuine curiosity. From that place you may say something along the lines of, "You feel zero trust in me, and you don't know how to work on that. I can understand how that might make it really hard to think about getting back together." Let her talk. She might need to tell you all of the reasons she doesn't trust you. If you can hold the curiosity and the love and listen, you give her an opportunity to connect with you, if she's ready to take it. If she is, you may have the opportunity to ask, "How can I help rebuild the trust between us?" She might say that you can't, or that she doesn't know how. That's okay. Let it go. Empathize with her and how difficult that is. The absolute key to having this kind of conversation about trust is your ability to not take it personally. If you take it personally, if you hear her words as an attack or a judgment on you, you will find yourself getting defensive. You can't connect with each other when one or both of you is feeling attacked. This is a topic we can discuss in more detail, and perhaps I will make a video about it. It's absolutely valid that she feels she can't trust you. At the same time, you are not to blame and this is not your fault. In a sense there is a parallel to the hatred I talked about in this video - to resolve this issue you have to see past laying blame on either of you. It's on you to work to see the two of you as human beings, with human brains and a lifetime of emotional history that has led to various triggers for both of you. It's not her fault, she is right and her feelings are absolutely valid. And that doesn't make it your fault and you are not to blame. Your task is to do the work so that you can really see that and feel that it rings true for you. That's when you'll tap in to the love, compassion and curiosity that will help you bridge the gap with her.

@johnrencheck2283

Жыл бұрын

Once trust is gone its over, move on

@nike5428

10 ай бұрын

Rachel, does reconciliation really work? And doesn’t it require lot of emotional resources, efforts and patience? And also isn’t it risky and uncertain?

@CallsItLikeISeizeIts

3 ай бұрын

Well did yall get back together?

Show compassion for the person who is looking to escape accountability for their decision? Makes no sense.

@jimwlouavl

2 ай бұрын

By showing compassion, you get to move on yourself.

Exactly what I'm currently experiencing

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry to hear that, Mario. How are you doing?

@marionortje974

2 жыл бұрын

Bearing up considering the circumstances. Your vld clarified why my ex continually vilifies me at every opportunity and I will respond differently now.

Question… my wife is going through postnatal depression. Recently she has told our family and friends that I’m a narcissist, manipulator, pathological liar and an emotional abuser. I am doing my best to be companionate and give her her space. It’s hard because she’s moving with our children. Next week is valentines and I bought gifts on behalf of the children. Im petrified now that this will be seen as an act of manipulation…?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

This is a difficult situation. As you're experiencing, when someone gets themselves convinced that you're a narcissist or manipulative, it doesn't matter what you do they see it as evidence to confirm their suspicions. All I can tell you is to take good care of yourself, and do what is right for you. Make sure you have the tools you need to manage and process your emotions and to separate out her narrative from what you know to be true about yourself. Ironically, trying to not be seen as a manipulator could in itself be a form of manipulation (well meaning, loving and with the best intentions for her, yourself and your family!). Your task right now, difficult and scary as it is, is going to be accepting and allowing her where she is, and staying focused on yourself and your kids. When her actions or words trigger you, you can't help but react, and that is where you can both get caught up trying to change the other person so that you can feel better. You're best chance of finding healing between you is to step out of that dance and into radical acceptance of both her experience and, more importantly, your own. This page has some resources you might find helpful for loving someone with depression: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom It also outlines a coaching program that is designed to support people who love a depressed partner. Anger and blame are common themes in these situations, though I know that knowing you aren't alone in this isn't enough to solve it. Hang in there, and take care of your own emotional and mental health. That's the most important thing that is within your control right now. Don't give it up trying to control what you cannot (her thoughts and feelings).

@logantelford4

11 ай бұрын

It will be bro, those arnt your kids anymore! shit sucks

I don’t like how society makes these “rules” about divorce. Like extended family having to choose who to side with, that you should block them on social media, that you are supposed to hate them even. Why? There are no rules except the ones we name up.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I agree, these kinds of 'rules' don't help with healing, they just keep the negative or toxic relationship cycles that undermined the marriage originally alive, and make it more likely for one or both people involved to repeat the same mistakes in future relationships. This is a big part of the reason that I created the Better Beyond Divorce Community - it's a place where men going through separation or divorce can connect with one another and offer genuine support and inspiration that is based on healthy self awareness instead of on a set of societal rules.

Actually it is her fault . 100%

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You may be right... what's the next step for you? How do you move forward from here?

My soon to be ex-Wife blamed me for the failure of the marriage. She left me 2 years ago and filed the divorce. She now is telling me she in a relationship and bringing him to see his mother. Telling me she cooked him food and even their sex life. I had to block her and her emails. I have reacted her in a negative way but now after listening to this I will let go and not ruin a friendship with a new lady friend!

While you can tolerate hatred directed at you, don't forget that a bad reputation cannot be easily undone.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

3 ай бұрын

Thank you for watching and sharing this perspective. In many instances you are 100% right, and that can be a devastating piece of the divorce process. I don't know anything about your circumstances, so I don't know if this applies to you or not... but in case it does (or in case it helps someone else) let me share this: People are better at understanding relationship dynamics than we give them credit for. Two things that I often see in divorce are: 1. Friends and family seeing how extreme her attacks are, while he isn't attacking her. This unbalance bothers the human brain... we don't like things to be out of balance. And so the friends and family feel for the man, even though she is saying so many horrible things. It's like she's gone too far, and her words are no longer believable. 2. People can read you in the way you show up, the way you talk and the way they feel when they are with you. That is more powerful than the words she says about you.

@dennisk648

3 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for the reply. You made a valid point.

I'm going to watch this daily

Well, if it’s not my fault 🤦‍♂️, it’s not her fault either. Then who’s fault is it? The divorce took place and somebody filed it.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

The cliche answer is it's both your fault... but I think that is an oversimplification that misses the point. It's my perspective that the fault is in the negative cycle of interaction that developed between you. This happens to a lot of couples and it can take a lot of different forms, but basically it entails a lot of miscommunication. For example, a cycle may look like: You come home late from work, again. She interprets that behavior as not caring about her or not appreciating her and feels threatened, so she lashes out in anger when you come home. She attacks you after a long day at work and you interpret the attack to mean that she doesn't care about you and doesn't appreciate you and so you withdraw, shutting down and shutting her out. She gets more angry and attacks harder. You withdraw. Each of you learned how to respond to relationship threats as a child, from the way your parents treated each other and how they responded to you. You may have learned that love is conditional, and that you have to behave in certain ways or the relationship is taken away from you (like when a child gets angry and is put in time out, he learns that the relationship with his parents can be taken away from him if he doesn't behave properly). Because of those childhood lessons, you have default ways of responding to conflict in relationships. Often those responses suggest a relationship threat to the other person and they respond in their default way... and the cycle builds. I would offer the explanation that it is the negative cycle of managing conflict that is responsible for your divorce, not you or her individually. Is that helpful?

you have no idea how this helps me when I go over there I have legal separation that means I get to see my boy who's handicap when I go over there or we talk but she never looks at me and she's cold she doesn't say anything nasty but you just gives me the cold shoulder we can't be lovers anymore but I'd like to be friends but she makes it so difficult and you're right cuz she cheated on me I didn't cheat on her and somehow I believe God punished her because the guy that you was with died not that I wish that on anybody but a lot of things have happened to her she's short on money now thank you for your inside it helped me alot

Accountability is like kryptonite to ex-wives.. truth is they project their own feelings onto you... because they don't want to or simply can't own them themselves... they avoid them by blaming you... Issue is, they carry them forward into the next relationship... the burlap bag of baggage and issues that the next guy has to deal with - let him.... there no value left there for you anymore. be and find someone better The cause of divorce or separation is "filing for divorce" or separation... simple. As you said 70-80% of the time its women who do it... They just don't want to admit to the truth that they just wanted out believing the grass was greener elsewhere and don't want to own the accountability for her decision that has caused a lot of pain for everyone...

Taught to be a co dependent 👌

Yes and they also hate the ex partners new wife because they are making the relationship works… something that she wasn’t able to do.

What if she lies and ask lots of questions still and it's been 20 year's since divorce. Then lies and says ahe never questions or screams 😮😮😮😮

My partner and I have separated after 27 years of marriage. She is willing to do a counseling call with you, and she wants me to do a call with you, note she wants us to do call separately. Would a call like this be worthwhile and possibly have the ability to change the trajectory of our relationship, she is stating that there is no way that we will stay married right now?

A Viw may be a human construct...but to trivialize it so much by saying it's essentially meaningless in a marriage is nonsense. Vown have built and destroyed empires throughout history. A marriage Vow mean EVERYTHING!! It means to try absoluetly everything you can to care for and have your persons back. Aside from physical and serious verbal abuse or abuse of any kind...a Vow is important and isnt just words. No more then a promise or the phrase I Love You are just words. Its powerful and existential. It means more then is unquantifiable. People who take their Vows lightly dont deserve marriage, nor do they deserve happiness until they take things they say seriously and other people they say they care about seriously. A marriage isnt always forever...km nor daft enough to try and claim its unbreakable. But society has ruined so many women and men (mostly women) in to wanting g the fantasy. Wanting perfection. Without the work. Thinking limmerance is the same as love and then move on when it wears of and is surprised when their like "Where have all the good man gone??" Well...ya had one or 2 or 3 maybe....you just didnt work for it and thought u deserved better. Now your 30 and alone with children. Congrats... read less magazines and watch less media. Listen to your heart and put in some god damn effort.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching and commenting. I can see that you've been through something awfully rough yourself and that you are feeling a lot of frustration and resentment towards society and towards people who take vows lightly. It is frustrating and deeply painful to see someone walk away without putting in the effort or giving a relationship a true chance. Men and women do tend to miss each other in relationships - women often have unreasonable expectations of love and passion based on Disney love stories while men have the unreasonable expectation that carrying out a specific set of actions or doing a certain type of "work" in the relationship will keep his family together and happy forever. Both sides tend to neglect the real work of actually looking past their own belief systems to see the human in pain or fear on the other side. Vows are a human construct. They only mean as much as the human who uttered them feels in this moment (not at the moment they spoke them). Insisting that they mean more than that doesn't rob the vow breakers of happiness, but it is robbing you of happiness.

What’s the point of promising it then if it’s an illusion. Why is there so much financial and family/child related cost to only one parent then ??? The kids and I lost everything and she won resource-wise. It’s more complicated than that but those are the bullet points

This is much more important then the Bears sucking at football!!

The late, great Kevin Samuels said it best: Accountability is a woman's Kryptonite.

Put a narcissistic person in the mix.. yeah that's what I'm dealing with. After 4 years of divorce she stole my bank account information to pay her bills. Filed a report and waiting on what happens next..

12:42 and she lies to the adult children. Lies.

This is utter nonsense. So the woman gets to be totally unaccountable for her actions and she is allowed to lie to the children and your friends and your advice is to apologize for her feelings and be just like a simp and take it watch the destruction. And for some reason you think she will stop hurting and not enjoying more lying and destroying lives? Without accountability there is lawlessness.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

How do you suggest she be held accountable?

She has to so she can avoid fault. She faulty

Rachael, where were you back in 2018 and where were you since 2018?… I wish you had done this video back in 2018… you were dead on ACCURATE on ALMOST everything… except for giving her permission to lie, to manipulate the truth, nor giving her permission to purposely create an alternate reality where she is the good guy, the victim, while at the same time destroying an innocent life, a marriage, and a family… THIS is exactly what my ex-wife has been doing since 2018… she has taken our 23 year old story, purposely removed the key facts thus completely changing the narrative, then taking this alternate very destructive narrative, making it very real, then directly lying to the Courts with this narrative, lying to the Judges with this narrative, lying to her parents and our friends with this narrative… while in the process knowing deep inside that she has directly destroyed an innocent person… all because she can’t personally take responsibility for anything???.. That’s just pure b/s, plain and simple! It IS “her fault”!… As for communication, that’s a two-way street… it’s extremely difficult to work, let alone fix and improve on issues, if she is the one NOT being open, nor honest!… As I have said directly to her since 2018, “How can you look at yourself in the mirror every day knowing exactly what you’re doing? You clearly don’t like what’s staring back at you.”… Also, I completely disagree with you when you said that “She is allowed to hate you.”… NO she is NOT allowed to do this!… IF I was an emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive, drug-addicted, screwing around gambling womanizer, THEN she is “allowed” to hate me… BUT, I was NEVER any of this!… Again, my ex-wife is NOT allowed to hate me, nor is she allowed to lie about destroying our marriage and life! But, here we are, she’s still doing it, surrounded by brain-dead nut jobs that are stupid enough to believe any of the raw sewage that’s been spewing out of her mouth since 2018!… She, and many tens of thousands of EVIL woman like her, it IS their fault, they’re NOT allowed to hate the innocent people that they’re consciously destroying, they are NOT allowed to have their lies and destructive stories, and these woman ARE horrible, and NO, these woman do NOT deserve any form of compassion from anyone for being purely evil, destructive, and lying… I know a few innocent men that have been destroyed and are now having to fight for their innocence due to the pure evil and never-ending lies!… Oh, they’re NOT hurting on any level if they have a clear conscience and can sleep at night and these woman deserve NO form of compassion.

80% of the time she is the person filing for divorce because its about her hating herself and blaming you for the divorce.... Sorry,,,Im blaming her... When she is the reason the kids have lost respect and stopped talking to you because of PSA....

Insecurities she has

I don't hate my ex I felt like I was forced to stop loving her to keep my sanity.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

That may well be the case. How are you doing now, Keith?

@keithheller7775

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach moving on it's been a difficult year and I learned a lot and not do those mistakes in the next relationship.

This really helped me understand my ex husband I filed. He did a lot of damage during the relationship and I filed for divorce. He’s so hateful, vengeful, and talks bad about me to anyone who will listen.

she’s good

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Dave. I appreciate you watching and commenting!

But will she say the same thing about me?

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

Honestly, it doesn't ultimately matter what she says about you. What matters is not her opinion, or her words, or even her actions. What matters at the end of the day is that you know yourself. That you trust yourself. That you love yourself and are confident that you are worthy of the love of others. Yes, she can may take your money. She may even take your children. She may turn friends or loved ones away from you. Those are not easy things to cope with, and moving on from them will take work. Yet there are two things she cannot take from you without your express permission: your self worth and your sanity.

What about abusive narcissistic females ?

My story came with evidence given to my lawyer and ill hate him for the rest of his entire life. No fs given just like he didnt care about abusing me and the affair he had and left me to raise the kids alone. I filed because he was balls deep in his new gf. Now that its finished hes sooo confused why I hate him now. Lol I was hoping to find some info i related to but this is for women who filed for little to no reason and blame the man or for people who have no accountability and dont get why their marriage failed.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

3 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry you went through this. That's a pretty brutal story. Do you have a good support system behind you? If you don't, you might find Jentrey Rey's Facebook Group helpful. She supports women going through divorce, and I think you may find that her content is more geared towards people in situations like yours. It's here: facebook.com/groups/1727330734440021 She also offers 1:1 coaching if you're looking for more direct support. If you are, you're welcome to email me and I can connect you to her directly (or you can contact her via the facebook group). My email is rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com

Emotional immaturity should be expected from women.

Hey Rachael I divorce my wife but she treats me very cold

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry to hear that. What is stopping you from letting her go and moving forwards?

@RickyKirby-rg2vb

Жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I still love her but she has very different ways we have 3 kids trying to keep her out of my mind she has a new friend but they are off and on it gets to me sometimes

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

@@RickyKirby-rg2vb I understand. It is hard to let go of someone you still love. If you'd like some support and help in healing so she isn't on your mind so much, I can help. In Better Beyond Divorce I help men get happy, get healthy and get their confidence back after divorce. There are a couple of different levels of support. You can learn more here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/better-beyond-divorce

Unrealistic

She atill screams and they have been divorced 20 years

Bullshit - she should take accountability for her actions

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

I actually agree with you. She should. But now what? We can write her a letter... I'd sign it, if you'd like. But we can't force her to take accountability for anything. So... we're left with the question of how do we want to deal with that? Do we want to resist it and fight it and insist that it should be different than it is, making ourselves sick with anger and resentment without changing anything? Or do we want to focus our attention on the things we can control, and make our lives rich, fulfilling and purposeful? That's ultimately what this conversation is about.

@benrogers5027

5 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach - I didn’t put up with it & I stood my ground, I think more men should stop placating women & stand their ground - but I understand some men can’t - if you can take the pressure then fight - women get away with everything just because they are women 👍

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

@@benrogers5027 thank you for your reply. I'm really curious, if you're open to sharing more, were you able to get your ex wife to take accountability for her actions? What did that look like in your situation?

@benrogers5027

5 ай бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach - it really didn’t 🤣🤣🤣 I cut off all contact - sometimes I get an essay email telling me I’m awful I bought the children phones & go through them to see them She was atrocious, borderline - calling police all the time when the kids stayed - still does it - so maybe it wasn’t the right move, but I’m not being walked over

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

5 ай бұрын

@@benrogers5027 To me it sounds like you set boundaries for yourself and you're holding them, for your own wellbeing. You certainly don't need to sit there and allow yourself to be abused, no one should IMO. She may still be blaming you instead of taking responsibility for her own actions, but you're not suffering from the constant onslaught, at least not as much without contact. I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that, and your kids as well.

Im sorry i feel that way is condescending

slores HATE ex's because U were too smart to be manipulated and exploited

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

3 ай бұрын

You've just taught me a new slang word, thank you. I am sorry though, because it's clear that you've been treated very badly and I know that must be painful still. I hope you've got some support for your own healing.

Great video, but sometimes there is a bad spouse, a spouse at fault, no doubt. Women not men are the ones who more often cheat. You are justifying cheating, destroyers of families. It is her fault. 25 years and she cheated, and hates me for it. My our kids are clear on who the destroyer of the family unit is.

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

Жыл бұрын

I'm really sorry that you went through all of that. That must be really hard for you and for your kids. I think there is an important distinction between understanding and justification. We can understand why someone made the choices they made and not agree with those choices. In fact, those choices may have hurt a great many people. The reason I find it helpful to try to understand the person who caused us so much pain is to free ourselves from the torture of living with resentment, anger and hatred. If we can't understand them, they tend to live in our minds as villains, which necessarily puts us in a rather helpless role as victims... and that can be incredibly damaging psychologically and even physically.

Wow, so you don't believe in ethics, accountability, or vows. There's no right or wrong. What men are buying this stuff?

Love your videos but I vehemently disagree with your moral relativistic take on divorce. When we make the decision to bring life into the world, and we choose to destroy the marriage via infidelity, it’s much more serious and there’s much more accountability at play here beyond this “oh it’s fine!“ narrative you are trying to play it off as….and we can still feel compassion and forgive and love and feel but let’s be real about it without trying to sidestep the reconciliation process… we don’t have to vote it via black and white but we don’t have to play serious mistakes off as “oh it’s no one’s fault - there’s no good or evil…”. This is a very dangerous mindset. There’s higher and lower, more me and less me, more myself and less myself…more what I ought to be and less….the only cure is to pursue what we ought to be and be honest and authentic and empathetic…but above it all honest. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding….but I’m struggling with this message you are sharing… however I love everything else. Look up the theory of positive disintegration

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

Hi @Punk Philosopher. Thanks for this comment. I did look up the theory of positive disintegration, and it's really interesting. It reminds me a lot of the logical levels model of personal develop that NLP teaches. If we're using the lens of the positive disintegration model, my clients and thus my target audience here with this channel are typically in Level 3 and experiencing the negative emotions of shame and guilt that often come along at that stage. They are seeing the discrepancies between what "should be" and what is and are usually judging themselves very harshly for their mistakes. A common subconscious defense in this stage is to lash out and blame others, leading one to vacillate between harsh self judgement and overly simplified judgement of others. The work that I do as a coach (and that I hope to offer to people here on this channel) is to help them begin to shift into level four, becoming more their own authentic self. Part of my focus on shifting away from a black and white his fault/her fault mindset is to help people open up to the possibility of a different perspective. There is one assumption you make (and one that positive disintegration theory makes as well) that I would like to challenge. First, does believing in good and evil serve you? If you take an open and curious look at your own thoughts, how do you feel and act in response to a thought like, "I ought to be... xyz"? I have found through this work that any thoughts based on a sense of absolute morality or the concept of "should" tend to be antagonistic to authenticity, self compassion and empathy. It feels like they "should" do the opposite, making us better by holding us accountable to an objective standard, but I haven't found that to be the case in reality. Second, positive disintegration posits that some people are capable of moving through the five levels due to various forms of hypersensitivity, while other people will not move through them. The human brain is immensely resourceful and adaptable. I simply haven't found a single client to be unable to make these changes or move through the levels. Perhaps positive disintegration is merely suggesting that some people are more likely to move through the levels than others? It is quite possible that I don't fully grasp the nuances of the model yet. However I do think it is important to acknowledge that this work of moving through the levels is available to anyone. People are far more capable than most of us realize, and believing that for ourselves is a critical step to actually achieving the goal of moving through the levels. Thank you for bringing up such an interesting topic! I really appreciate your comments, and you've made me do some research and thinking. That's awesome. I hope this response is helpful as well.

@PunkProfess0r

2 жыл бұрын

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach the only people who do not have the capacity to reach higher levels of development are psychopaths who have no developmental dynamisms such as empathy and feelings of guilt - even then they still have the capacity for development, but is capped at level 2. Everyone else has the capacity for development, however according to the empirical data, advanced development is unlikely without sufficient developmental potential (DP). If one has enough DP they WILL undergo disintegration, it’s almost a certainty. To answer your other question about “should” it should be replaced by “ought”. … “should” is an externally constructed mindset where as ought is a critically endorsed model of self evaluation based on one’s own constructed values of their personal ideal. I know the non-relativistic approach isn’t as popular with the masses, but the theory is based on an empirically based model that is founded upon that which leads to prosocial outcomes. That which is objectively higher and more ideal or “positive” leads to empirically more prosocial, developmental and evolutionary outcomes. Moral relativism leads to more empirically anti-social outcomes. That which is positive is more universally observed and is less individual as opposed to the relativist perspective. Dabrowski defines evil as that which impedes one’s development at the highest levels, it is that which exists within us that is pleasurable but not necessarily developmental. That said, TPD does not evaluate anything on a black or white or good or evil or “unilevel” perspective. Everything is evaluated on a higher or lower perspective - nothing is all good and nothing is all bad. TPD would look at something as being more authentic to the ideal and less authentic. I think one can still be understanding about another persons choices without identifying with them. One can have empathy and forgive and still be honest about what has happened without playing behaviors off as “we’re all just human” … however I do see what you are saying and I think TPD is in agreement with the general picture of what you are trying to do - which is to GET AWAY from the blaming and labeling of the other person as the bad guy and the evil person and focus more on accepting and empathizing with the other person as an imperfect human who makes mistakes but to focus on healing and looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for one’s own development towards autonomy. I mean, I THINK that’s where you are trying to get people oriented towards, am I correct?

Want to set call with you

@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach

2 жыл бұрын

You can book a call here calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or you can reach out by email to schedule a call: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com

I am getting the feeling that you use moral relativism to justify divorce....I could be wrong. thanks.

No right and wrong, no good and evil, marriage is only a social construct that is utterly made up, no one is to blame etc. etc. This negative philosophy of denying fundamental realities about life that everyone experiences is a naive optimism about life and human nature that simply does not translate into objective reality. Managing emotions and embracing compassion is perfectly fine and great advice, but your metaphysics about reality and human nature are highly sus.

This video Is a failure😂 Maybe She hates him, bc he cheated on her, he was dissmisive etc Stupid video