I'm afraid of getting too close to anyone again after being in relationships with both narcissists and psychopaths. However, because I'm now educated on the red flags and signs to look for I will in future be more equipped to deal with it and walk away sooner. There are good people out there but it's finding them that's difficult. Thanks again Dr Ramani ☀️ I don't know what I'd have done without your channel guiding me back to love and light ❤️

@lt827

Жыл бұрын

Touché!

@Eighties-Jadie

Жыл бұрын

@no chains no more I love how you described this so beautifully and I can relate so much! ❤️ Thank you and best wishes ☀️

@Eighties-Jadie

Жыл бұрын

@@lt827 Hugs 💖

@nunyabidness4946

Жыл бұрын

The Bible says there aren't any good people. It also says that the Lord created us and this sadistic human condition is actually caused by spiritual infiltration. But it's not like evolution is a proven hoax (piltdown man) and there is a global electronic prison and single currency being implemented..... or is there? Believing our indoctrination is like allowing one's self to be persuaded by a short term romantic interest we know we have no business messing with in the first place. Bad/selfish intentions permits our deception. I understand this concept much too well. The guidelines are to protect us, not ruin a good time. We are all complicit criminals dodging accountability. All enablers of a soon "personality disordered" global leader. Revelation 13.

@KoolT

Жыл бұрын

My mama told me you better shop around

One of the patterns I noticed from having a Narc parent was that if I ever enjoyed anything I was either shamed or what I enjoyed was “accidentally” destroyed in some way. So I learned that I could only experience joy when I was alone. It’s made it hard to be in relationships and share my passions with another person… and of course I often repeated the pattern of attracting men who were Narcs, so I’m working on healing that now❤️

@Rubiastraify

Жыл бұрын

Yeah -- I can relate. I became a great pretender, and would hide my favorite toys as a child to ensure they wouldn't be thrown out (without my knowledge or permission). Being alone for awhile to heal may be difficult, but it really helps to learn how to be your own best friend, to guide and comfort yourself, and to trust your gut. As someone once said, "If you wear rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags" Keep at it -- you'll improve bit by bit! Oh, and a good book to read is "Why Men Love Bitches". It's a humorous take on how women sell themselves short in relationships, and how to change it. Be brave!

@annem.2229

Жыл бұрын

That's a good point about not being able to experience joy except by yourself, I have had the same experience. I realized over a long period of time that my parent sabotaged my friendships as well. Now, I get passively aggressively taunted about my "busy social life" any time she is aware of me going out with the one friendship I have worked to build over the last year. (That's the shame part)She is jealous of me having friends, and I will never introduce her to my friends again.

@sanya3398

Жыл бұрын

yes! I have hoarded my talents and hobbies all to my own. like I like to sing and even though I know people like to hear it, my voice feels like the only thing I have so I have a very hard time opening up and doing it in front of others. I hope to get over that one day and put my best assets forward instead of hoarding them...

@loveinthematrix

Жыл бұрын

@@Rubiastraify ❤️

@terezaskodovaq2568

11 ай бұрын

This is so so tragic..... Sad .

I took a 7 year hiatus from dating after breaking up with a narcissist. I had trust issues, and I didn’t trust my ability to meet and choose a healthy person. Had intensive therapy including examining my beliefs & behaviors resulting from narcissistic parents. I learned a lot about narcissism & was disgusted & disheartened when I realized how many narcissists there are. Two years ago I met someone , & we have a healthy, mature relationship. Better later in life than never!

@yuppers1

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing this!

Personally, I just feel like I can’t trust anybody anymore. My outlook on love is completely skewed. Hopefully, I’ll get over it with enough time to find a meaningful relationship.

@JohnSmith-wo7ns

Жыл бұрын

Same here.

@ThePhatFilosopher

Жыл бұрын

@@JohnSmith-wo7ns we gon get through it, broski💪🏽

@JohnSmith-wo7ns

Жыл бұрын

@@ThePhatFilosopher thanks dude , hope so, definitely a mindfk!! Wish you well .👍

@LarryjrnflTV

2 күн бұрын

Same.

I felt as though I was being sexually abused in every relationship I had for 6 years after leaving my narcissist ex. It was so strange. Even now, I have no sex drive. I havnt even made out or cuddled anyone in over 4 years now. I feel like an alien, but also super safe at the same time.

@HaleyMary

Жыл бұрын

I was bullied for my abstinence values by a friend of a guy I had a crush on four years ago. The guy I had a crush on never stood up for me and it broke my heart. I don't have sex drive, either. I long for a romantic love, but it seems I only meet guys who don't make me feel that spark or guys who only want to hook up and the hook up culture isn't for me. So, although it's lonely. I stay single and hope someday for love to find me.

@yuu_miran

9 ай бұрын

Hey, one more alien here😊been alone for decades now. Deemed as mentally ill by my relatives and probably aquaintances too but i dont think a person i can trust exists in this world.

@yuu_miran

9 ай бұрын

@@HaleyMaryme too☺️maybe we are aromantics

Because we're afraid of being used and not truly loved

Being raised by a narcissist you are conditioned to never let your guard down. You might be belittled, raged at, or rejected if you do. If you can't be yourself around a parent, who can you be yourself around? If your parent doesn't accept you unconditionally you think that nobody else will either.

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

Exactly! I was always trying to be what everyone else needed to be accepted. It's not worth it. I sacrificed so much and got nothing.

@Layla-fr7mf

Жыл бұрын

Very true and well said. I resonate and it’s as though they all follow the same crazy rules because I feel exactly the same way. You are not alone but there is a way forward in healing self and moving on from those broken souls to save your own beautiful soul from parasites. The best thing is knowing what love is NOT so that you can have your own sense of true love, happiness and worth beyond how we have been conditioned.

@nicolewaldron6282

Жыл бұрын

100% true I think that way every day

@NM-vs5lg

Жыл бұрын

So true

@cindybrown120

Жыл бұрын

YESSSS!!! AMEN!!!

What's really messed up we cannot pick an choose who are parents are. We are forced to work with what we are delt with. Having narcissistic parents has made me master of being Casper the friendly ghost. I'm definitely wired to expect the worst from any and every relationship.

@KoolT

Жыл бұрын

I get that. I learned to be around people who treat me kind or I get up and leave. I love being able to leave. I love having my OWN APARTMENT

@shamekawilliams8778

Жыл бұрын

@Frank Brake I know exactly what you mean and how you feel.

@SusanDelgado1177

Жыл бұрын

That's what's truly maddening - you didn't choose to be raised by emotional cripples, it's perfectly random and doesn't make any sense

@julieleonard3915

Жыл бұрын

Whoa. Casper. Now I have a name. I always feel like I am backed up against the back wall inside my body. Like it is empty…but I am in there aaaaaaallllllll the way in the waaaaay back…

My kids are starting to see my narcissistic husband for who he is without me saying a word. He definitely controls the emotional temperature in our house and constantly reminds us that it’s his house. I have my 13yo in therapy because, between social anxiety and always being devalued by him, I want her to be able to have a healthy, accurate view of herself and to have good relationships with others. I do my best to be a safe space for my kids but I struggle too after 20 years of being devalued and expendable. I refuse to let his behavior have a lasting negative effect on them.

@jds0981

Жыл бұрын

"The emotional temperature" that's a WORD.

@becca1b1g

Жыл бұрын

I just got my 16 yo son into therapy , dad is a narcissist. We just left him yesterday. I can relate to what you said....i don't even have the means to pay for everything yet. He had me where he wanted me and more. Never thought I'd get out but the damage now done to my son pushed me over the edge. I hope you stay safe and hang onto a piece of you❤

@vc7770

Жыл бұрын

Leave the marriage for your kids' sake. I finally did and best decision of my life. Id rather my kid come from a broken home than live in one!

@Jessie-ny9kd

Жыл бұрын

@@becca1b1g I also have a 16 year old son but sadly he’s been alienated from me by my soon to be ex narc. Served his ass a year ago..still not over and he refused to leave “his house” I don’t have the means to leave either but I’d rather be broke than live like this! I’ve suffered long enough:( I have wanted therapy for my son but the POS has manipulated every therapist he’s had now my attorney trying to find one. You’re so lucky you have your son!! It’s been a whole year since my son has spoken to me! my son has verbally and physically attacked me just like his father. Heartbroken is understatement! He is a sick man whose also been manipulating my 16 yr old autistic daughter:( (twins) oops sorry so long! Wishing you and your son all the best! Thank gd you got out👍🏻🤗 my turn soon🙏🏻🙏🏻

@sylviaking8866

Жыл бұрын

@@becca1b1g Hang in there. I finally got my divorce yesterday.

I've taken a hiatus from these videos because sometimes it gets really overwhelming. This video really hit home. The messages I received as a child definitely programmed me to gravitate towards what felt comfortable. Comfortable in this case doesn't mean comfort, it just means normalcy as I understand it. I've always felt like I am better off alone. It's just easier than what my brand of normal happens to be...the push/pull, hot/cold and chaotic relationships are draining emotionally and even physically. My therapist pointed out that many of my thoughts and reactions to things are trauma responses learned from my crazy making childhood. Intimacy is terrifying for a lot of reasons but I definitely see where I run from it and then gravitate to false intimacy relationships. I see it, I am BAD at relationships. I'm bad at self care and keep doing the same things over and over again. Every time I think I'm getting better, I end up taking 4 steps backwards - maybe not all the way back to square one but damn close.

@LexinePishue

Жыл бұрын

Hey AA - I just wanted to reach out and say that as a kid who grew up in a narcissistic dysfunctional home... you aren't alone, and I really know how you feel. It's overwhelming and can feel terrifying to develop intimacy and also to just confront how your home life growing up is still affecting you today. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. You're not bad at relationships - you just have to learn how to be good at them now, as an adult, because you were given a really crappy example growing up. And I'm out here rooting for both of us to acknowledge how we have grown, and let go of the ways we have repeated the screwed up patterns we saw in our youth. Good luck, Aardvark

@5DNRG

Жыл бұрын

Please try Reiki...as it works on all levels of human energy field, esp cellular.

@Saltine_American

Жыл бұрын

Stare that trauma right in its face and defeat it! I was able to overcome some very nasty complex trauma by addressing it head on and allowing myself to really feel those feelings instead of numbing them with distractions like drugs, alcohol, food, entertainment etc. It sucked, it was stressful, it was triggering, it was painful and exhausting but I absolutely demolished the trauma. I realize all trauma and people are different but I truly believe we can all successfully overcome it. Keep trying, don’t give up! Just remember you are valuable and lovable and stronger than you know. I wish you all the best 🥰

@AlphanumericCharacters

Жыл бұрын

@@LexinePishue I finally allowed close intimacy to develop. After years of shallow relationships. I was always honest about my intentions. I wasn’t interested in marriage, kids, or lifelong partnership. Actually that isn’t true. I was interested deep down. Just scared of it going wrong and being destroyed. Then I met her. I found “the one”. I opened up and let her in and she destroyed me. At least tried. 8 years of progressively worsening mental and emotional abuse. Cunning and conniving. Followed by a horrific discard. I now know what I’m up against. Know the red flags. But honestly don’t know that if I had known all of this then if I would have seen it before 18 months into our relationship when the cracks started to develop. By then she had me hooked. We had a child and a mortgage. Certainly a lesson is to take things very slow. However; do I want to invest a couple of years into a relationship with me constantly evaluating and re-evaluating every human flaw and misstep? Is it a normal aberration of character that we all have? A bad day? Frustration from a bad day at work? Or is it a crack in the mask? My friends say “dude, just go out and get laid!”. Of course this isn’t the answer at all. Following up what I ultimately learned was a hollow, superficial long term relationship with an even more hollow experience is definitely not the answer. You don’t tell a rape victim experiencing intimacy issues to just go out and get laid. (and god no I’m not equating my experiences with that of a rape victim, but the same logic follows). Still after all this I’m hopeful. It just is going to take a hell of a lot of healing before I’m ready.

@Afarmer690

Жыл бұрын

@@Saltine_American I've started in EMDR therapy and it's beginning to help some. My childhood was not great, very violent and times, I had no feelings of security or safety within my home. My father was the disciplinarian while my mom was the one who'd throw me and my sisters under the bus to deflect his anger away from her and onto me and my sisters. I spent a year in a troubled teen facility that was later shut down for inhumane treatment about 2 years after I got out. I'm facing the trauma and yes it's hard. Some days I want to crawl back into a bottle and just try to forget it all but I can't. I don't think I could even if I tried at this point. My point is that I'm working on it. I get discouraged when I find myself reacting and doing things that I never realized were wrong or messed up, you know? Like I thought for a long time that everyone was hypervigilant to the point of almost being able to feel other people's feelings. I couldn't understand why I would feel intense petrified fear when I heard someone raise their voice but I didn't consider it abnormal really. It was ALL normal for me. I'm facing all of it now but there are days when I just want to put it all down and just walk away.

This message really spoke to me. When you are raised in a narcissistic family system there's no individuality accepted. I had to conform or be punished. It doesn't matter how old you are, you will always have to conform to be accepted. No contact was my only option. These toxic family dynamics will never change. They only way to grow emotionally is to leave and work on yourself. I finally recognized that I deserve much more than my family ever gave me.

@nikkilove6035

Жыл бұрын

My mother only ever tolerated us if we conformed to her dynamics. She is so delusional she lives in her own bubble and won’t change even as she gets on in age. Now she is all alone,all of us have gone no contact yet she still tries to control us even through texts. She is so self absorbed and still clings to her ways. When confronted about her behavior she always says BUT she is our mother as if that’s her “get out of jail free card”. Her legacy lives on sadly…

My mother is a malicious narcissist. I went no contact on December 27th after she physically attacked me. I did manage to keep a foundation of myself through the years, which really pissed her off, because I am nothing like her. I've lost stress weight. I just wanted to be loved by someone for who I am. I found that in 2008. She is my rock. She sees it for what it is. I'm proud to say we have 14 years together.

@stacyjaye6350

Жыл бұрын

🥰 Congratulations! You made my day with that comment.

@DanielSanchez-yi9cr

Жыл бұрын

We're all gonna make it

@elspethfougere9683

Жыл бұрын

Thats beautiful, im so glad to hear this as another friend of dorothy 💖

@stacyjaye6350

Жыл бұрын

@@elspethfougere9683 okay, now you made my day! LOL friend of Dorothy hahaha I am also a friend of Dorothy and I haven't heard that one in a long time! Peace from Tulsa Oklahoma sister

@kristenarold-bender6939

Жыл бұрын

I also come from a viscous narcissistic mother and broke all contact 9 years ago. I knew from my mid twenties, after becoming a nurse and going through my psych rotation that there was a name for what my mother was, but I we also lived in other types of dysfunctional situations (my mother was married 9 times and also in between had boyfriends she brought home, I was sexually abused by one family member and one of her husband’s-both before I was 7, she often left me alone for days on end starting at 5-at 13 she left me with my 3 year old sister without a note or anything-calling 2 weeks later to tell me she was fine, but didn’t ask about us and hung up on me when I asked when she was coming home) So, throughout most of my adult life, I thought my issues were from abandonment and sexual abuse. But, at 57, I am really wondering if my core issues are from her narcissistic behavior (which, of course, allowed all of the other things to happen? I have gone to therapy so many times and worked on the first issues, but have never really felt like I have gotten as far as I should have by now. And, I am so tired of reliving those times over and over again with someone new. I can’t at this point anyway-I have been housebound with several chronic illnesses and pain-al numerological autoimmune diseases. I often wonder if the belief that the body remembers and mine just finally gave out on me! (I am talking verifiable disease-labs, MRI’s, etc. They used to tell me it was all in my head until they did the correct tests!

The last narcissist boyfriend I endured "12" years was so critical during intimacy it has really changed me. I tell people I've been inoculated regarding relationships with a man. And it is from a pattern from previous long term relationships. The cold and cruel comments are engraved into my psyche.

@harmonyexists2834

Жыл бұрын

The night before I left my ex he told me, "Everyone's better than you.". Now I find consolation by telling myself that even if that's true, I still don't deserve to be abused. Call me whatever. Show me who you are. Insults don't effect me the way they used to, from anyone. Not even my "best friend", or NPD "mother".

@AI-dp3rd

Жыл бұрын

@@harmonyexists2834 I’m so sorry. What a cruel and sad little person he must be. My ex gave me the old “you’ll never find anyone like me” (thank god, right?) but also told me I’d marry “some poor bastard who will cheat” on me. They want to hurt one last time, pathetic things that they are. They don’t even believe what they’re saying.

@JohnSmith-wo7ns

Жыл бұрын

What he said was just cruel, not true. They take their frustrations and inadequacy out on us.

@dianecfranich

Жыл бұрын

@@JohnSmith-wo7ns thanks ❤

@kanayanfantv

Жыл бұрын

@@harmonyexists2834 No, he just said "Everyone's better than you." is the complete OPPOSITE... He's jealous of you and doesn't want to lose you... lol

My mom had no respect for boundaries….she even cut the strap on my diary to read what I wrote….it was difficult….escaping her sent me right into a marriage to another narc….ugh….

@spacegirl226

Жыл бұрын

Similar experience here with my family. I escaped them and ended up with a narc who took twelve years from me and threw me in the trash when he was finished. Now...I'm back with the narc family because I had nowhere else to go. It's awful. I empathize. I hope you are doing better.

@lorainenatalino5534

Жыл бұрын

@@spacegirl226 ….I spent 26 years in that marriage…left when my kids were in college…divorced a year later…never been happier…had a wonderful 11 year relationship with a much older guy…he passed and I’ve been involved with a guy my age for about 6 mos now…looking promising….never quit trying…you can do this…put yourself and your mental health first…baby steps…wishing you the best…

@Brittany-hd2uf

Жыл бұрын

My stepmom did the same thing I feel you truly

@Brendanryanofficial

Жыл бұрын

it's really hard to believe that it was my mom who body shamed me my whole life, it was always my other friend, other relative who was pretty but not me... it still hurts how ugly I have felt my entire life...

@lorainenatalino5534

Жыл бұрын

@@Brendanryanofficial ….me too…felt fat, ugly and stupid my whole childhood…she made me feel like I had to be perfect to be valued….and since I could never attain her level of perfection, I always felt inferior….I still struggle with that…but I’m getting better….one day at a time…

When I read the title to this video, the word "trust" popped into my head. I think that lack of trust is the underlying theme to this problem!

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

Trust doesn't exist in a narcissistic relationship.

@bluejay7058

Жыл бұрын

Boom. Exactly this! I recently grieved that I couldn't trust a single soul growing up, and it damaged me horribly. The work will be hard, but trust issues are so much worse than working on them!

@danlee4706

Жыл бұрын

@@bluejay7058 Agreed! Just going through socializing with others is the best thing to do. Social skills are like any other...we have to keep practicing to keep sharp, and along the way we have to maintain our sanity somehow

@reneerayl3526

Жыл бұрын

Trust? What's that? Seriously, arms length for everyone 24/7. Exhausting, but relationships are scary. I'd really rather sit on the sidelines and watch trauma/drama than be involved in it myself. Much safer. Not healthy maybe, but safer.

@bluejay7058

Жыл бұрын

@@reneerayl3526 Trust I believe is achieved when both people understand that neither owe one another for any kindness in the relationship. Withdrawal, boundary setting, and simple "no's" must be respected and feelings must be shared relatively as they happen. There's a lot to it, but those are really important aspects of it. Understandably, quite a few people many would interact with simply can't follow that, and are by that metric untrustworthy. It's sad, but it's necessary as well.

Having been raised by narcissists can put one off intimacy 😔

My mother could never ever get through a day without criticising me...it was like a drug to her..I remember she complimented me twice in 49 years..I have had no contact for 2 years and it was the best decision of my entire life.. She completely ruined my first half century and she is not getting another minute of my time . I have absolutely no feelings about my mother,I could get a phonecall about her death right now and sleep soundly tonight...I sound horrible, but I mean every word ive written..thanks for the great videos 🥰🇦🇺

@lorainenatalino5534

Жыл бұрын

I can relate…I cut my mom off for about 8 years…re-entered her life one Mother’s Day and she immediately latched onto me for help…being the dutiful daughter, I took her on…ended up being her caretaker after a stroke…had to find a home for her when I couldn’t handle her care…ironically the stroke changed her personality and, for the final 5 years of her life, we were able to enjoy a fairly normal relationship…life is strange…

@mainowlin6176

Жыл бұрын

I had to deal with a narcissistic mother who criticized me as well and after 55 years of this I cut off contact as well. I was criticized by some family who thought I was being selfish. I was exhausted looking after two grandchildren who lived in an alcoholic home and finally one child came to live with me needing emotional support and boundaries that she needed. Two and a half years and shel was strong enough to go back to her family and help her younger sister. I was happy that it turned out well and would do it again in a heartbeat. It’s tough when you are dealing with two generations needing intensive help. I put my energy where it would do the most good. Take care Yvette.

@yvettemoore1082

Жыл бұрын

@@lorainenatalino5534 its only other women who have been through this that can understand why we do what we do. I always tell people who can't wrap their head around the concept of deleting their mother, that im glad they can't understand and that it's not something they should be able to comprehend as it isn't normal, it's absolutely grotesque, but it's also something that is what it is.....I understand why you took that course of action and as long as it bought you peace,that's all that matters.....stay safe and happy🥰🇦🇺

@yvettemoore1082

Жыл бұрын

@@mainowlin6176 I understand you completely...please read my response to Loraine as it applys to all 3 of us...... It never ceases to amaze me how identical these people are in their behaviour...I have listened to H.G Tudors videos for years now and it's like he is literally inside my brain and knows everything ,he has been a Godsend....knowledge is everything when it comes to accepting what was done to us...stay safe🇦🇺🇦🇺🥰

I am so hyper vigilant with red flags now in other people. I was burned again by another selfish person after taking a two year hiatus from dating after my separation. I clearly need to work on just not letting those kinds of people into my life.

As a child of a narcissistic father I learned very quickly that the only one you can trust when the shit hits the fan is yourself - because if you are in trouble especially the people close to you will push u over the edge. So I became very independent at a very young age. Today this pattern stands in my way because I still don't let come people come emotionally close. It takes years and years for that.

@joblakelisbon

Жыл бұрын

This is exactly my mindset. It has basically worked too. I don't ask much of others and I don't give much either. It actually works very well.

@bigred4379

Жыл бұрын

Describes me to a “t”. “It takes years and years before I allow someone to be emotionally close”. Thanks for sharing .

@nicselectronics81

Жыл бұрын

Same, been more or less on my own for 41 years

My biggest problem in getting over my narcissist is they are the only example I've had of a relationship for over 10 years. I feel like I need to replace the narc in my mind with a new relationship to move on at this point, but I'm terrified that I'll mess it up if I ever get it. Trying my best with therapy (for a year now), mindfulness and keeping promises to myself; but I'm still so scared I'll never get what I want.

@wellnesspathforme6236

Жыл бұрын

I don't mean to be a buzzkill here, but most people are narcissists based on what I believe is the accurate definition of a narcissist. They are people sotied to their emotional state that they can't relate to other people, they can only express their emotional state. IOW, they can't relate to others, they expect others to conform to their emotional state. People get confused because they are nice when you do what they like to do. You are conforming to their emotional state and they are responding based on their emotional state -- no more, no less. When you express who you are apart from their emotional state, their negativity and invalidating come out automatically... and they won't see it. Again, they are just responding to their emotionally state. The more toxic the subconscious that drives their emotional state, the more toxic the person... but almost everyone out there in the US operates this way. This is almost certainly true of all countries where metallic iron filings have been added to the foold supply. In short, almost all others see you as an asset to regulate their emotional state -- and little more. They want to define all terms. This dehumanizing and invalidates others around them.... and they don't see it. They can't see it.

@Marketsolo

Жыл бұрын

I can relate! I was raised in a narc household, married a bully/ narc snd stayed 36 yrs. ..then was in a narc relationship after. So my fears were valid. Trying harder than ever to heal.

@_IH_

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like you're doing a great job at recovering. I've been there and I know more than one friend who's been there too, we're all doing much better now, with therapy and healthy habits. And some of us also have new, positive relationships. It's not impossible, just keep in mind it takes time and don't lose your will to be strong for yourself. ❤

@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver

Жыл бұрын

@@wellnesspathforme6236 I think most people are narcissistic, but being a narcissist is shame based. It's a key factor.

@Rnankn

Жыл бұрын

@@wellnesspathforme6236 That seems remarkably accurate. Emotional deficiencies define interpersonal dysfunction. But it is compounded by a failure of communication and taking authentic words seriously to express and reveal intentions or needs.

I'm 60 years old and my parents are still trying to control me and we live 2500 miles away.... They visit for a couple weeks a year and my anxiety starts over a month in advance of their visit and I sob from relief when they leave

The timing of this. I have sworn off ever considering another relationship again, I broke up with my ex two years ago. The way I was treated pushed me to a point I didn’t even know was possible. I have incredible friends and a wonderful support system, which I reciprocate of course, but I don’t see myself even venturing down the path of another relationship. I’m totally fine with my own company and being single and I know there are wonderful, caring, emotionally healthy people out there but I just don’t want to put myself out there again. I’ve turned down offers to go on dates but I’m just not interested.

@starseed8831

Жыл бұрын

same here it really fucks you up makes the most hopeful and optimistic person lose hope

@winnie879

Жыл бұрын

Completely agree, I dumped mine almost a year ago and the thought of dating again is still a bit horrifying. But being alone is great for gym time and working through my gaming backlog! I hope you’re enjoying your time too!

@gracea9932

Жыл бұрын

I’m with you on this. It has been 3 years since I divorced and it took me that long to feel ready to date again but once I started dating, I quickly noped the hell out. These narcissistic relationships really wound us psychologically. Dating was more like an experiment of sorts, to try to prove to myself that I’ve reached a healthier place and healed, but I felt so uncomfortable trying it, that I felt my situation was sort of hopeless and I’m resigned to being alone for the rest of my life. Which is okay too, because I think I’m happier that way.

@colleenkotze4381

Жыл бұрын

When I read your response I really felt sad for you, but you're not sad, you are bravely creating a life for yourself on your terms. Thanks for verbalizing what I actually feel so well!!

@harmonyexists2834

Жыл бұрын

@@gracea9932 Approaching dating like an experiment was a healthy way to do it.

I'm happy just being in a healthy relationship with myself!! I don't want to do any more deep dives into therapy to become ready for a healthy relationship with another person...

It’s the trauma bond which sadly lasts after the narcissistic relationship with an “intimate “ partner is physically over But in other narcissistic relationships with parents or siblings or relatives where it’s not easy to break away - the trauma bond is even stronger

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

Yes! The narcissist count on the trauma bond. Once you break that trauma bond, you are free.

wow in 10 second you described my whole marriage: boundary violations -> coldness -> intrusiveness -> no identity....so glad that cycle is DONE.

@sgtmuffinbadger6147

Жыл бұрын

And double standards lol they love to say and do the opposite

"Eye of Sauron", exactly! Was woken up at 12 to be criticized for sleep position, told how angry my father would be, asleep little girl nightgown in little girl bed. Still confused 50 years later. Marriage-unending nagging over tiny things. NPD son just wants money/effort/work/sacrifice for him, leaves me alone otherwise, easier, but he took my heart right out of my chest.

Yes, you describe the childhood of someone who grew up with a narcissitic parent so well. I am a woman who had a narc mother. I eventually picked a good husband after exploring some unhealthy romantic relationships, but when I got pregnant (married, in late 30s) I suddenly freaked out about having a daughter. I thought that having a son would be easier for me because there would be kind-of an automatic boundary there, but having a daughter seemed so terrifying because as a daughter I experienced so much sickening intrusiveness at times and then complete coldness and heartlessness at other times, and what I had seen from mother-daughter relationships was enmeshment and rejection/abandonment. Even though I had been in therapy, I panicked because I had no idea what a healthy mother/daughter relationship felt like. To my relief I don't have a daughter, but I still think that is so f*cked up and sad that I felt that way.

@tracydanneo

Жыл бұрын

Same. I’m glad I had a son. But how sad that I believe that!

@ktmggg

Жыл бұрын

My dread of having a daughter was so great that I never had children. I don't regret it too much, but I realized that I can't give to a child what I never got from my narc mother. That's my mother's legacy.

@kristenarold-bender6939

Жыл бұрын

Yes, when I was pregnant, I hoped for boys for the same reason. I did end up with 2 beautiful boys (grown men now). When I told my mother I was pregnant she said I would be a horrible mother because I was so selfish-I still can’t let that go even though I’ve been no contact for 9 years that pops into my head all of the time-you’re too selfish-when all along it was her that was selfish! Now, as a mostly healed 57 year old, I wish I had had a daughter also-but who knows how it would have turned out?

@bellaluce7088

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for posting these comments. I have confidence you would have all found a way to be good moms to daughters if you'd had them because you're expressing self-insight and concern for others--not narc trademarks!

@bellaluce7088

Жыл бұрын

@@kristenarold-bender6939 Wow, you're right, talk about selfish! A mother who steals the joy from what should be one of life's sweetest moments -- hearing the news that her daughter is pregnant and she will be grandmother -- to continue abusing and undermining her own child is grotesque! Narcs like to flip the script by accusing us of THEIR failings, and they don't like losing power, but that's a special kind of nasty. I bet she sensed that being a mom would give you a chance to SHINE in a way she was incapable of, and that you'd bond with your kids like she couldn't, and that threatened her ego and sense of control over you. Anything to drag us down, even (especially) on our way out the door! She also would have known, even as such a BAD mother herself, that parenting is a crucible that leaves EVERYONE with a conscience feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and yes, SELFISH, sometimes. It's the nature of the job, especially with all the ridiculous and harmful social myths of idealized motherhood. GOOD women welcome new moms into the fold by NORMALIZING those feelings of self-doubt and guilt as just the cost of doing business, even while chatting with a stranger in the check out line or park. It says so much about your mother that instead she took that miraculous, should-have-been-joyous moment and poisoned it by trying to UNDERMINE you in such a sneaky, sinister, and cruel way. GOOD RIDDANCE!!!

The abuse we indurred is so fear based, that it compromises the trust we have in our own intuition. As long as we educate ourselves about narcissism, make no excuses for red flags, and create and hold fast to airtight boundaries, we CAN trust how people make us feel. I also think that "finding love" is the wrong approach. Putting ourselves in situations with like minded people who are charitable with their time and energy, could be beneficial in creating worthwhile relationships. Of course, the "imposters" are everywhere, but they have scared us long enough, and we deserve worthwhile relationships. Our lives belong to us, not them. They are the one's afraid to be alone, not us. They need us, but we don't need them. Trust in that.

My dad wouldn't let me close my bedroom door. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but it meant that I was in a constant state of alertness. My hair was falling out from stress. The only time I could relax at all was when I was alone in the house. That kind of response becomes physically ingrained. Isolation becomes safety. It was YEARS before I stopped having a fight/flight response to the mere presence of other people.

@Laura-nl8df

Жыл бұрын

It is a VERY big deal when your sense of privacy is violated (on a regular basis). That is horrific! I thought going through my stuff behind my back was bad enough but THIS....! Deep sympathies.🙏🏽

@user-lx3bo6jg4b

Ай бұрын

Wait, it DOES sound as a huge deal!!!

"The fine art of hoop jumping and shape shifting". That twisting into a pretzel to make them happy. For me, this is really reality abuse, as it forms our beliefs about reality when we do not have the ability to challenge what we are being told.

Because long-term abuse is so damaging, it creates deeply-rooted, long-term trust issues that put us on high alert for a long time to come. We're overcautious until the time when we hopefully learn to be selectively vulnerable again but that can take many years. I know several women who after forty something or fifty no longer even wanted another relationship---because it was unrealistic due to low numbers of quality, age-appropriate choices available, or.... it's just not worth the risk to take up with some new guy and possibly repeat history simply to avoid being alone.

Wow this opened my eyes! I came here to heal from my narcissistic ex and am now realizing that part of the problem was I was never taught to enforce boundaries as a child. My sister and I were constantly telling our mom to stop commenting on our bodies. Her response would be "hrrmph I didn't know I wasn't allowed to speak in my own house." I still don't think she's a narcissist, but she does have some controlling qualities that have led us to always put others first before our own needs or speak up for ourselves. It's hard to look back at my relationship with my ex and realize that insecurity in enforcing my boundaries is what he was really attracted to.

@mrb4761

Жыл бұрын

Ongoing exposure to controlling people means boundary violations." - If I've learned anything in this painful journey about how to survive two narcissistic parents -- in this US culture that glorifies and enables narcissism so much it put one in the White House in 2016 -- it would be that.

@deeh5126

Жыл бұрын

I didn't think my father was narcissistic when I was learning about the patterns. It didn't seem like he was "bad enough" to warrant such a descriptor. But it isn't about the label, its the patterns. Once I tried to look at the patterns from an objective view, it was clear to me that he exhibited a lot of narcissitic tendencies (did and still does). I think it was harder for me to accept that about my father than my (then) husband. That helped me a lot in my healing.

@catherinebailey2131

Жыл бұрын

Did you notice how your mom did not respond to your request to stop criticizing you? Instead, she flipped it around to make it sound like you were violating her right to free speech. You tried to set a boundary; then she pretended to be the victim. That's a behavior that narcissists do.

@IngaFox

Жыл бұрын

@@catherinebailey2131 yep DARVO. Didn't realize I've been dealing with it my whole life, thought it was only with my ex. Really eye opening!

@bellaluce7088

Жыл бұрын

@@IngaFox Oof! This hit me hard: "It's hard to look back at my relationship with my ex and realize that insecurity in enforcing my boundaries is what he was really attracted to." I have felt this! Glad you got free! ❤

THE "EYE OF SAURON" ATTENTION -- Dr. Ramani, you continue to amaze with both your empathy and accuracy. So grateful for this even though I have to listen to this in pieces and more than once in order to manage the anxiety 🙏🏼🙏🏼

@kurtcurtis2730

Жыл бұрын

I agreed with that too. I had a coworker like that - just awful really awful. Had to leave

Lately I have been hearing my thought patterns in a different light. I noticed when I am doing chores that I will notice something I WANT and YEARN to do (like organize a cabinet, I love to organize). Then I will hear my thoughts: "You like to do that, therefore you CAN'T do it. You can only do things you hate to do." It is shocking to me how I can treat myself worse than my ex did, though I have been away from my ex 12 years. I had to change this. So I work hard on the things I hate to do for 4 specific days, and no longer than 6 hours a day. Then I have 3 days where I do what I want to do. It means delegating and/or ignoring tasks that can wait, but I am a much happier person. In order to be in a relationship, I have to set Loving boundaries towards kindness for myself, before I can set boundaries concerning other people. But I believe you have to sometimes have people in your life to really become acquainted with your own weaknesses. It is a balance, but love yourself, anyway, along the way.

I had that problem of trying to please other people, specially romantic partners, hoping to make them like me by doing that. But fortunately I started going to therapy.

My narcissistic ex husband of, 30 + years, moved out 4 years ago. I still haven’t dated anyone. At all. I prefer being alone rather than risk that again. It has to do with how I ended up being trained to fully expect him to crush me any time I started to trust him again. It broke something in me. I hope to get that sense of trust back, some da.

My teenage years were filled with my appearance and weight regularly being criticized by my narcissistic parent. I am so glad you added my choice of friends as well, Dr. Ramani. It was hard for me to make friends, so having this parent disapprove of a new friend was really hard to take. And there was never a change in the initial impression of the friend once it was made. It was a snap judgement. I never before realized my choice of friends was also seen only as an extension of the parent from their viewpoint.

@HaleyMary

Жыл бұрын

I have my weight being criticized by my dad and his girlfriend a lot throughout my twenties and even into my thirties. I eat healthy and exercise, yet they still try to scrutinize and even though I know I take care of myself, it makes me feel less confident when I am visiting them. On friends, my mom will do the opposite when one of my friends has a crush on me, but I don't feel the same way about him. She says, it's too bad things didn't work out between you and that guy. I'm thinking, I wasn't even interested in that guy, so what's the big deal? She also will think low of any guy I do like. It's like I can't make a choice without feeling scrutiny for it.

Dr.Ramani , I still struggle with identifying my needs to this day , & I'm in my late 60's 🤷🤷🤷🤦🤦🤦🤦

I love this video, more than any of the others. I existed fine outside a relationship. I was fortunate enough to have supportive family around until I was 12, but I was isolated with my mother after she moved me to Texas and away from extended family. I moved out of the house and in with the justice of the peace at 17. Thank God for that. At 18 I moved into my own efficiency apartment and loved my independence, but meanwhile she did run a smear campaign in the church and with any support I had. I got through all of it though with distance. The thing though was with any relationship I forgot my needs or any reciprocation mattered. All that mattered was keeping the peace at all costs which meant denying my needs. Again, I didn't recognize that I had any, existing entirely for the needs of others. I married at 20 and was married for 21 years. I worked as a nurse, which was a caring profession. I've been doing that for 30 years now. I still don't even think to ask for help if I need it. The few times I have had been denied by family and it was things that didn't cost them a dime, or really inconvenience them. Truth is definitely too high a price. When someone does something nice for me for no reason I literally cry. If someone takes up for me I literally cry. I think that's when I realize my life has value for at least somebody. I remember the time in my life before 12 when I knew that. I realize that some people do care about me as a person and not what they can get from me. But when your own family does it, you definitely expect it from others, especially if it's your mother, father or siblings. These dysfunctional family systems take until they bleed you dry, then get mad when you can't give them what you don't have, and if they do it, you definitely don't expect anything other than that from anyone else.

@bellaluce7088

Жыл бұрын

Your comment was so touching. This video may be my favorite, too. It explains and validates so much. Wishing you continued healing and much joy! ❤

This is how one caring Soul helps thousands and thousands of damaged victims begin to heal deep psychological wounds. Thank you and blessings, Dr. Ramani. You have helped so many... 💙😊🌻

My mom is a narcissist, and when my ex asked for something, my mind felt like I needed to please him. But I eventually let my true feelings show and not let anything happen. But once he asked again after I told him to not ask me, I got defensive and broke up with him. He kept claiming that it was a joke, but it wasn't to me.

The rot from narcissistic upbringing is both subtle and pervasive. It’s astonishing. The best I can say to myself at this point as I struggle to work on the deep and slippery repairs - this is not my fault. This did not originate with me. I am only cleaning up the mess I inherited and rebuilding my personal foundation.

After 60 years of life, I am not interested in doing the work to be able to have intimate relationships again. If I was younger, maybe I would do it, but at this point in my life, I'm happy and content and don't need it.

I've had an emotional block towards men and relationships last 2 years since escaping him. Just can't be with someone like that

For me it's simple. Trust and exhaustion. I feel like I spent all my relationship energy.

Yes my mom wanted to pick out my clothes even as an adult when I was young she controlled my weight if she found out I ate at my babysitters she would get upset “your going to get fat “ this went into my adulthood i struggle with intimate relationships now I’ve made so many mistakes in dating but I’m learning to give myself grace thank you for this clip sometimes I feel like I may never experience a healthy relationship but I’m realizing I need to build a strong relationship with myself ❤

@aprilwilcox5065

Жыл бұрын

My mom wanted to control my weight as well.. except in the other direction, she was overweight and wanted me to be overweight as well to make her feel better about herself

@wellnesspathforme6236

Жыл бұрын

Most people are slaves to their emotional state. They view others as assets to regulate their emotions -- and nothing else. This is almost everyone in a US city environment. I believe thebevidence and physiology indicate that metallic iron filings added to the foold supply in 1941 is a key driver here. Note, trying to manipulate you according to their agenda is a positive emotional stimulus to them -- so these people can deceive you while dating. Once they have you, they will morph into a psychic vampire and drain your spirit right out of you. They are like an acid draining your life force. If you really want to risk a relationship, find someone who has a history of eating real foods through their maternal line. It is no guarantee, but at least iron filing poisoning will not have damaged their nervous system and triggered their cellular Fe-ar mechanism.

This sounds almost exactly like my childhood with my parents. While I have been attracted to people who keep my emotions like a roller coaster from a cycle of small kindness followed by a period of rage and sadistic abuse, I was conditioned by my parents to believe that I had a duty to protect my abusers and keep them happy no matter the cost to myself. I am sure that my reluctance to fight back or leave, made me an easy target and think that predators were able to recognize that in me. I was 43 when I escaped my family and my husband. I am still learning what it like to feel safe, because it not something that I have experienced before. I am not sure that if I am recognizing that feeling or not. I believe that if I had stayed, my husband could have killed me

The first thing I thought of when listening to this was my mom cornering us kids -literally backing us in a corner to pick our blackheads out. Of course, this is a small representation of what life was like with mom. I’d say the most painful thing from all this was the confusion I felt at why I did not feel love for her. There was no escape from endless abuse and I just wanted her to die. That was malignant to my self worth-wondering what was wrong with me & wondering if I was capable of love. I felt so alone, and ashamed that I was so glad when she died. So relieved. However, the imprint of her behavior my whole life to that point as well as many narcissistic relatives, caused a tremendous amount of confusion in me. Never try to navigate life by consulting with a narcissist! I now have hope for my future. 🙏🏼🌅

@gertrudewest4535

Жыл бұрын

Gawd, your mom used to pick your blank heads, too? What’s up with that? I was a small child and it hurt so bad I would cry. She wouldn’t stop. My parents seemed to enjoy doing things to me that they knew made me cry, both physically and emotionally-and of course it was my problem not theirs.

@lindahilliker6020

Жыл бұрын

@@gertrudewest4535 yeah. So glad to be free! Blessings. 💕

@lindabuonline

Жыл бұрын

When my mother died when I was 19, I was so relieved. She is a malicious and aggressive narcissist who would go out of her way to make other people's life miserable. The underlying fact was that she hated my father and she hated children, but traditional values pushed her to get married and have kids. She was always vicious towards her own family, but she could be good friends to other people who she liked. She shamed everybody--she could find vicious words to describe my father, me and my brother. She's really the she devil in human skin. I couldn't say I was happy, but I was very very relieved that she died. Even if she had not died, I would have kicked her out of my life anyway. I was saved from the trouble of having to do that. The problem is I am afraid of being shamed and asking for help all my life. I do have intimacy issues. Knowing what I know now, I know I can start to work on my problem...

@lindahilliker6020

Жыл бұрын

@@lindabuonline similar here. My mother died when I was 28. I sure would like some input as to what a realistically healthy relationship feels like. I could write a book on everything pathological. But when people are genuinely kind to me, I go blank sometimes. Like it’s confusing. Unfamiliar. Hard to open to. My defenses have been so consistently necessary, yet have cut a deep groove in my relational life.

I remember being in a relationship for 4 years with someone my therapist wouldn't allow me to even call a narcissist. One day near the end of the relationship I remember getting off work and being really stressed and called my second job, a guitar shop I would go into sometimes to help them repair instruments, to tell them I needed to go hiking and I'll be in the next day. Boss tells me that's all good and to have fun. I go into the mountains while a snowstorm in town obscured them. In the mountains the snow had already fallen and it was sunny, it was a beautiful scene. I took some pictures and enjoyed myself. I got home and my partner was there, I showed her the pictures and her only response was "How could you afford to do this?" Mind you, I drove ten minutes from home into the mountains that were right there and I had just gotten done with a shift at my main job that I worked everyday. I wasn't allowed to enjoy myself, I just had to deal with it because "tough," as my life isn't supposed to be enjoyable, I'm not supposed to what I want to do ever. I fight vehemently against anyone who tries tell me how to live my own life in any way, even employers, now. Life can suck, but the point is to work with what you can to make it suck as little as possible, and I won't let anyone beat me down from that ever again.

I'd like to see a video on sibling bullying/abuse at some point in time in the future, because it is very similar too, and often a facet of the narcissistic family system, and also because i struggled with it as a child to a fairly extreme degree. My older sister was absolutely awful, abusive, mean to me for pretty much my entire childhood and adolescence to the point where i don't think I have any fond memories of her from before we were adults. (I think she grew-out of the behavior when she was in her early 20's) But throughout my childhood she would just do horrible awful things to me, and while I might have engaged with her sometimes, she was pretty much always the one who started it. My mom has actually said i would frequently bite my sister before first grade and that as terrible as my sister was being to me at the time that my sister probably honestly deserved it, because i would be literally screaming at her to stop and to leave me alone and trying to get away from her and she would follow me and keep doing it. (my parents definitely SHOULD have stepped in and made her stop more often than they did but due to various health and economic situations it was just not within their wheelhouse to deal with my sisters frequent harrassment of me.) It got even worse when we were teenagers, it actually by that point had escalated into assault with a deadly weapon, because as a teenager she would actually come after me when my parents weren't home after an argument (we always got into an argument if my parents weren't home even if i locked my door and refused to respond) armed with a knife and threaten to kill me, bursting through my door by force if it was locked and threatening to kill me, and saying "if you tell anyone that i threatened you i will slit your throat while you sleep" she would then lock me in my room and threaten to kick my ass if i came out so I would climb out the window barefoot into the rosebush beneath my window and run (at at least one point through a blizzard barefoot and in thin pajama bottoms and a T-shirt) to my grandmothers house. It got so bad i started sleeping with a baseball bat under my pillow. I also have Autism and she would constantly belittle me for it saying every award i received or part i got in a play it was just because i was autistic and people felt bad for me, and telling me that everyone was constantly judging me for it behind my back (which was not even true), and that "you can't understand that because you are autistic and now claims oh how "blessed she was to grow up with an autistic sister." The hardest part is I actually like being around the person she is now that she has seemingly grown out of whatever the hell made her act that way towards me growing up , but at the same time, i still only have childhood memories of her as my abuser, whereas she is constantly telling a story of how close we were as children, and how supportive she was. It makes me really mad but it is not worth arguing with her over. I HATED her when I was a child, she was AWFUL to me. There was a sustained period of time when i was a teenager where i actually was hoping that she would die in a car crash, because that was the only way i felt that i would ever be free of the constant fear for my life and wellbeing. and i never really got to be a teenager because of her abuse. it is hard to look at my sister knowing that I WOULD PROBABLY BE A BETTER, HAPPIER, MORE SUCCESSFUL PERSON, if she was never born. and it is hard to want a relationship with her because of that even though she has seemingly grown out of it and even though i do like who she is as an adult. All of my happy memories from childhood are from when she was not present.

@yuppers1

Жыл бұрын

I'd also like to hear more about sibling bullying in narc family structures. I would withdraw to avoid the drama but my brother would find me to torment me. He took away my escape and I still hear his words in my head.

@angrynoodletwentyfive6463

Жыл бұрын

@@yuppers1 My family system actually wasn't Narcissistic or abusive it was really just my sister and my parents were not "allowing it" persay they tried to get my sister to stop but they were way too overwhelmed with medical issues and working to properly intervene, because they were always exausted from working or being sick. So i think they chocked it up to "sibling rivalry" because they didn't really have the wearwithall to deal with it and because I never told them the full story due to the throat slitting threat until I was older, and also because my sister was really good at playing the "you love her more than me so you are taking her side" card whenever they tried to punish her for harrassing me. My grandmother was probably the closest thing I had to a supporter in it all because she did bring up to my parents that it was not ok that I had to run away from my own home constantly but she still believed that "WE" had to resolve "OUR" issues with each other and just didn't understand that my sister was the instigator and I would have just as soon never interacted with her.

Im not going to live my life as a source of supply is going to become my new mantra. Im just going to keep saying it over and over and over

This really resonated for me. I don't think I fully recognized the impact of my childhood on my relationships which have been very painful. I long for a real, healthy, close relationship and fear I will not have one in this life. I keep working in therapy and hope for the best. Thanks Dr. Ramani. You have made a real difference in my life.

"To see yourself worthy of love and not as a source of supply." This was my biggest struggle when I first discovered Dr. Ramani a couple years ago. Growing up, I was taught by my mother & the Catholic Church that I had to "earn" love. I don't believe that message any longer and I still have work to do on realizing that I am worthy of love just as I am. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for all that you do regarding healing from narcissistic abuse.

@26Bluegb

Жыл бұрын

As a Catholic I think it's weird you say the Church taught you that you have to earn love. I grew up with a vulnerable narc mom and a communal narc dad and the Church was the one place that I always heard "you are loved unconditionally, even when you mess up. Everyone will mess up, but God''s always here for you" Then again, I'm a post Vatican II baby.

@kevinmasterson5733

Жыл бұрын

@@26Bluegb I don't know. The strain of Catholicism handed down on my mother's side for 8 generations in Pennsylvania was very toxic. Then add on that me & two of my sisters were molested by priests, I can't say that the church taught unconditional love. On my dad's side of Irish Immigrant Catholics it was more loving & they questioned the authority of the church. That gave me some strength to survive. I would probably be dead otherwise. In my experience the church has never changed, regardless of popes, Vatican 1, Vatican II or whatever. Just like narcissists, the church just changes tactics, nothing else. Abuse still flourishes, victims are still blamed & many people are deeply hurt. The cycle just goes on & on.

I was shut out and shut down for 14 years. My innate desire to connect didn't go away, it just got covered up. Near the end of my marriage to the covert ex Narc, I had met 2 friends (who I did a radio show with) that were incredibly deep. My heart rejoiced!!! I wouldn't shut up because I was so happy that these friends came along with deep authentic questions about life, love, faith, everything! Meeting these two friends is what woke me up from my stupor. It made me see the toxic abuse I was living in day in and day out ♥️ My now husband (who is also an narcissist abuse survivor) is so incredibly healthy and has been a miracle for me. He truly wants to know me, what I think, he delights in me saying no or sharing how I feel...he sees and feels intimacy when he holds me and I cry my eyes out because sadness has come to the surface. If I feel stupid for crying, he reminds me WHY I have every right to be sad. I pray for this kind of relationship for _everyone_ who has been through this abusive hell! 🙏🏻♥️

@kaitlinjensen

Жыл бұрын

Wow! I’m happy for you! ❤️

I absolutely adored and loved the person the narc portrayed himself to be. I don’t have a problem with intimacy at all, and I don’t believe that any of us have a problem with intimacy. We had a problem with their betrayal, their lies, meanness and the way they crossed our boundaries, and it’s healthy to have a problem with their sick ways and it’s healthy to not put up with it. Once we all heal up from their abuse, it’s going to be a beautiful future and yes, we will be much more careful and take our sweet time getting to know who the person is in front of us. Much love and light to you all, take good care of yourselves out there❤

I’ve got a massive problem, after 3 years together got my final discard 4 months ago and she was absolutely pure evil, literally wanted me dead, which I nearly was, and I was the best boyfriend and changed her life, just bought her new kitchen and that’s when I had done everything she needed from me My problem is I’m 49 and in all that time never met anyone I loved so much, She was amazing sexually so that is also a big problem as I’ve never been that confidant in that area but with her it was great, she was beautiful and fantastic company 80 percent of the time, rest was standard rages, critical etc At the end she has said and done things which are shocking, nothing like the girl I met But moving forward I just can’t see anyway matching the attraction I had for her, sex, company and good times, the bar is set very high and I still miss her massively

@deeh5126

Жыл бұрын

"But moving forward I just can’t see anyway matching the attraction I had for her, sex, company and good times, the bar is set very high and I still miss her massively" Something to keep in mind that may help, your attachment to her, strong as it was/is, was artificially created. These people get us hooked onto them like a drug- and it really does cause the same reactions on our brains as drugs do. The ups and downs create a massive trauma bond, and we go into withdrawals when they leave us or we leave them. I felt the same things you describe when I left my ex. I thought "I will never love anyone like that again". But the truth is, it wasn't real love. It was manufactured by his love bombing and discarding over and over again. It felt so amazing to get back in his good graces, I constantly craved that. The amazing thing is that maybe, one day, I will get to experience true, unselfish love. It won't feel the same, I know that. The intense passion that I associate with my ex will likely be absent- which is why so many people pass up genuinely healthy partners, because they want that passion, but it is not REAL passion- it is unhealthy bonding. Maybe remind yourself that what you had was not genuine love, but an addiction to a very damaging person.

@3075bridget

Жыл бұрын

@@deeh5126 Well said!

@Laura-nl8df

Жыл бұрын

Emotional disorder is their permanent state. Sex is one of the very few (good) things they can actually feel but it doesn't mean anything beyond the act.

I was the truth teller and scapegoat of a narcissistic dad and stepdad, and even though I got lucky enough to have a sweet and loving partner, I have a hard time saying “I love you” even though I do love him. Its to the point where it almost makes me feel sick. I guess maybe on a deep level I’m scared of making myself vulnerable. His family always asks me why I won’t marry him, and aside from not being religious and viewing marriage as sacred, I always tell them it’s because marriage was used as a weapon in my family, for control and power. Thankfully my partner is secure enough in himself and our relationship to not take it personally, but it truly is sad how these narcissists ruin us. It’s been almost 10 years since I left my hometown and I’m still working through the trauma and confusion

Dr. Ramani, I want to let you know how beautiful you are inside and out and you are such a soothing voice to my heart. You’ve helped me so much this past year. I’m taking back my power. A power I’ve never felt and I thank you. I have so much work to do on myself. My goal is to become self sufficient.

Wow. I really needed this message. I've been struggling with conflicting feelings of wanting a connection but being afraid to relax for long enough to actually connect with potential partners. I keep thinking... God, what if I end up in ANOTHER bad (read: narcissistic) relationship 😫

One and a half year after my relationship with a narcissist, I know and realize that I an far from ready for starting another relationship.

YES, being in a narcissistic relationship ‘is like a smell we can’t get out of our clothes.’ I always described it that way.. he left his stink on me and for the longest, I felt like I couldn’t get it off 😩 It’s definitely a process to lighten your aura as much as you can because when you lay down with a narc, you take on their dark, low vibrational energy. Keep being intentional with healing yourselves folks. We’ll eventually get there 💕

Heck, I was too busy trying to survive, start a career and to help my parents and their business, to even think about getting into a relationship. However, now, yes I am skittish about getting into any relationship - family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances and love. Seems like finding narcissistic traits is as simple as hitting a piñata. And intimacy? The thought of getting into a live relationship and finding out the man’s a narcissist or psychopath is absolutely petrifying! But, one is often more afraid, as they get older and there’s less time and opportunity for recovery. So, yes, lots of trepidation and it’s not because I have actual anxiety where people are concerned. Like I don’t feel fear in my gut. It’s more of a “better to be alone” in my head.

We as a society are becoming more and more narcissistic (I personally think social media has a huge role in that). But it is a fact that we are becoming more narcissistic, it isn’t just my opinion. Even though I know what to look for now and to totally trust my gut/intuition when I blew it off previously, my psychopathic/narcissistic ex did so much damage to me and made me really dislike the opposite sex. I have had no interest in any man and I haven’t even found one the least bit attractive. I have had complete no contact for over two years, and I still feel this way. I know when I’ve made other comments on these videos, I am far from alone on never wanting another relationship.

The intrusiveness ... so accurately described. It used to be brutal with my narc mom at times and although I'm a very private person by nature, I have less trouble opening up to people who I know won't judge me. However, I've always kept a wall up with my mom because the few times I have opened up, what I've said has somehow been used against me. So I just keep everything fairly surface level and "everything is good".

Thank you for explaining "pawning off your sense of self just to be in a relationship". I had done that as a teenager in high school desperate for friends. Even friendships were difficult. I believed something was innately wrong with me, so I settled for scraps. It happened to me so young and it is hard to believe it can get so distorted at just 14 years old.

my parents and older brother were, still are, exactly like this. I was made to feel like I'd be eternally damned if I spoke about their abuse, because all they gotta do is deny it. I still struggle with feelings of defeat.

This sums up my life to a T. These videos are my main source of healing. The validation I finally got from learning about narcissism has led me to many, many answers. Thank you Doctor Ramani,

Being raised in a strict religious household, for me, had the same effect as being raised by a narcissist. Learn to deny own needs, to hide, and feel constant shame. Realized later this is why my abusive narcissistic ex husband took so long to set off red flags. His abuse felt familiar. Took a solid decade of avoidant relationships and therapy after the divorce to get to a place where I’m able to be in a healthy relationship, though I’ve accepted that the scars will never fully heal. Thank you so much for sharing your expertise. I wish I had found your videos years ago!

Sooo much truth and my family GP told my mother, yet when u have an emotionally immature, entitled mother who denies her own alcoholism and how bad it was and is.. plus same with my father and brother. Being the family punching bag… it’s why I now also understand that I tolerated such and became so forgiving for such unforgivable abuses. Thank u for this, not just for me but for others who can also start to understand and see the patterns. 🙏💜

I think we struggle because we have a new awareness! We are not living in this romantic dream world anymore. We see relationships for what they are & not what it can be. We have too! We can’t afford to get back into frying pan & fire anymore

I am crying during this one, Dr. Ramani! I totally see how my narc father led me to where I am now. Working on me, but not without the struggle. I am working on leaving, I too am not in the financial position to do so. Looking to my future!!

I feel like giving an standing ovation after every video. Hear hear This is exactly what worries me every day, I don't trust anybody right now. I hope it will change with time.

I’m sad because I spent so much time not understanding what it was. They come to steal, kill the person you were , & destroy you. They are evil

I can so relate to this. Being the scapegoat of 2 narcissistic parents was a set up for failure in relationships. I did not recognize this until recently (to be honest, since listening to your videos). I am 61 years old now, just divorced my fifth narcissistic husband. I have always been the chameleon in relationships, conforming myself to fit with my partners. I finally recognize this as part of my broken past and am healing. I have been alone now for over a year and I am so much happier than I have ever been in my life. My father passed 11 years ago, my mother is still very much alive and very toxic, so I have chosen to distance myself from her. I still talk to her on occasion, but nowhere near as much as I used to. I am taking a time out and learning to love myself. I also let go of a very toxic friend in the process of my healing. Life is good. Weeding out the toxicity in my life has been a necessary step in healing. I have also had some great therapy from a therapist who really understood narcissistic abuse. I am learning to heal my relationship with myself and in the process, learning to love myself. At 61 years old, I may never be in an intimate relationship again. I'm not opposed to it, but it is a reality that I am dealing with. But I am happier than I have ever been in my life.

After 50 yrs of narcs, family and ex husband, I decided I was over most people. I am happiest on my own these days. I feel like my life is my own now and heaven help anyone who tries to tell me what to do..lol...

Can you do a video of bi-polar and the narcissist? My mom is bipolar and her relationship with my narcissistic siblings is like a lock 🔐 and key. From when I was very small, my mom would “dump” me / shut me out. I would apologize out of survival (please don’t abandon me), and eventually she would calm down and realize I was right?, had good intentions all along. This video is so interesting. Both my parents body-shamed me. 🤮. After neglect, food was my friend. I wasn’t huge, just bored and lonely.

This video here! I struggle with self blame for being in a narcissist/toxic marriage, when my family of origin conditioned me to placate. This video gives me peace that I'm not to blame, and that healing for me is a process, and that I AM a lovable person 💖, worthy of being in healthy relationships.

You described my childhood perfectly. I feel like being in a relationship is like asking me to jump from an airplane without a parachute… and if I had to chose, I’d rather jump from an airplane. I can manage having a few close friends but a life long partner? Never! I feel like I’m happier without. Now my parents are wondering why I am not married at 35… I said it straight « That’s a good question you should ask yourself ».

This hit home. I recognize that I'm still not fully over the process of grieving. On days like yesterday, when I felt very fragile and lost, I don't know how I'm ever supposed to find friends or meaningful connections with other people again. I had foolishly placed my bets on my narc (covert/vulnerable and ex best friend who's also somewhere on the spectrum of autism) and lost. Now all I'm left with (and it's been 1.5 year since we went no contact) is recurring surges of emotional pain and I can't seem to connect with people anymore. My hesitant attempts seem to get ignored, as if I don't exist. The same feelings he gave me. I feel so broken and hopeless sometimes, so thank you for always reminding me that there's light out there.

i had to pause and either gasp or weep so many times through this video!! i'm at the point where i recognize and am aware of a lot--i'm just not sure what i want. i'd never experienced a truly loving, mutual relationship except taking care of my disabled dad who's in a facility now. i can see a misty, foggy glimmering of what the positives could look like, but i absolutely do not want to deal with the neglect of my first marriage or the narcissistic abuse/drama of my second--i don't want someone else's bs right now!

I'll raise my hand ✋️ working through this process now and after 3 years I've made real progress but the finish line will take some time. Hang in there if you're going through it ❤️

I never thought of this but Dr. Ramani is right that we struggle with intimacy the most. It depends if the person even recognizes that they were in a narcissistic relationship in the first place. By the time you do, I feel like it may have taken some time to recognize it for what it is. When you are in such situations you put on layers of stuff to cope and survive. You put on a layer of mistrust, of flight/fight, of becoming overly sensitive, cynical and judgmental, of high doses of self doubt, of putting others first and etc. And by the time you have gone through these types of relationships you are enmeshed in a sea of layers of coping mechanisms that are self harming and no longer needed. I think that avoiding intimacy comes from a lack of trust and self doubt but also comes with burnout. Taking off all those layers of matted coping mechanisms is the biggest challenge. Pealing a layer at a time. As healing occurs, I feel like I’m no longer as fearful of intimacy like I was before. But I know that when it rears its head in my life hopefully down the road..not now that I would be able to overcome any blocks and establish a healthy relationship. It just feels easier and safer to be on my own. And using the time to go after the goals that I denied myself because I was in that type of dynamic for a very very long time.

This hit shockingly close to home for me. I'm 24 now, been in therapy for 5 months now yayy. And I've always told myself that I'm not worthy of love, that people don't want me anyways. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who really saw me as an extension of herself, because she always talks so badly about herself, and then offends me too. She calls herself fat and then always says "oh you've lost a lot of weight right". I'm not overweight and I also stopped weighing myself because it triggered me so much, but she crosses so many boundaries everytime she asks me that, and when I told her this she said "I'm just interested in you as a person". By commenting on my weight? Or the other day she called her own nose ugly and then told me I have the same one as her. Thanks I guess. And so I've always been so harsh on myself too, never been in a relationship or even close to one because I think I'm too ugly or it wouldn't work for me. I also saw my parents fight all the time so guess who's even more afraid of intimacy now and also doesn' t want kids! 👋 and yes, the hardest part is recognizing that I'm more than just my trauma and being able to open up to people without losing myself or ending up hurt by a narc again. I wonder if/when I'll be ready for a relationship and how I would even know.

I grew up with narcissistic parents ,then surprise I married a narc partner .I lasted over twenty years of marriage ,until I finally realised it was a loveless marriage.I am struggling to hug anybody now .I really feel like a cold fish.

Oh, wow. The underlying fear and grief… overwhelming at times. Your teachings are a beacon of light to help me help and protect my young son as we navigate the utter mindf**k of ongoing NPD abuse and manipulation; it’s a long and winding road ahead.

I love these videos. They help me self heal from being abused all my life from my narc parent

Yeaah! I grew up amongst mostly narcissists, and then I've hade two long term relationships (10 years, and more), so now at my 41 years old I found myself so ignorant to other ways to relate intimately to people. Could I recognize a healthy person when I meet them? Am I healthy enough to be looking for a new partner? Only time will tell. God knows I've been working hard in healing my heart, mind and soul, but still... I am a very sensitive person that struggle to set boundaries.

My attraction to the hot cold relationship felt like an intense fascination that I knew was bad for me but I couldn’t pull myself away from. Even though I knew I didn’t love him I kept feeling pulled toward him.

You learn to be invisible, to scuttle around in the shadows and backgrounds like a rat. I had a narcissist father who never conversed with me, never informed or taught me but periodically erupted in anger over poor grades or some unintended transgression of behaviour. In his opinion I was lacking character and was intentionally bad or willful I guess.He was the picture of success to everyone else. I can remember periods of my childhood and teen years when I had a seething hatred of him.

@mercyme8014

Жыл бұрын

Sue, not only did I “scuttle around” I was accused by my ‘Eye of Sauron’ father of being a “hider and concealer” of my thoughts and feelings. This man sought to control every aspect of his environment.

Spot on as always. Having endured a lifetime of NA, including 10 years of marriage to a malignant narcissist, I am terrified of getting into a romantic relationship. I just feel I can't trust another man like that again. I've been to therapy, I'm working your recovery program and I feel I would be able to see the red flags on time. However I do live in a country known for its misogyny and machismo and don't want that ever again. Thank you very much Dr. Ramani.

@yuppers1

Жыл бұрын

Definitely don't share what you're looking for in a man while on a date. That will give them the keys to your heart. They are chameleons and can even fake being the empathetic, non-materialistic person you may be looking for. (That happened to me.) I'm so happy that you're working through Dr Ramani's program- wishing you all the best!

@alessandrasaenz72

Жыл бұрын

@@yuppers1 thank you very much for your advice. I will keep it to myself. It would make me more of a narcissist's buffet. Wishing you the best too.

Thank you so much for this -- it rings true. For those who are still going through the process of detangling and extricating your identity from the tentacles of what the narc told you your identity was, it may seem at times that you're surrounded by darkness, and very little light. Gradually, over time and with much hard dedicated work and therapy - you must be willing to look at yourself as you are, and determine who you want to be -- the darkness will become smaller and smaller, and the light grows brighter and brighter. You win a few victories, and your confidence gets boosted. It DOES get better, and you WILL get through it. I believe that we were made to love and be loved; don't let a narc (or anyone else) dim your light. You were created to be a fabulous, creative strong person.

I grew up like that. I healed myself through meditation as an adult. As a child, I kept myself out of the way in order to keep my authentic self. I am healthy and secure now. I still have " quirks", but I am able to function normally in healthy relationships.

There was just so much of all of this in my childhood. I wasn't a real person--not to either of my parents, and not to my own siblings. I was literally someone they insisted they had the right to demand from (my time, my knowledge, my labor, my emotions, etc.) at any point--while refusing to include me whenever they didn't want to, and punishing me (sometimes horrifically) whenever I "failed" or did something that demonstrated some sense of personhood. Like, some of the examples are just...weird. Sad and weird. My father would often stop to pick up fast food for dinner on his way home from work. About every other time he'd do this, he'd "forget" to order any food for me. If I called attention to his "lapse", my mother would either dramatically "martyr" herself by giving me some of her food OR use my protest as an opening to attack me for being "fat". (I played after-school sports and did many of the heavy chores around the family farm. I was muscular, with an abdomen that stuck out because of a congenital scoliosis displacing internal organs forward--a condition noticed by my pediatrician that my parents refused medical testing/treatment for, despite having AMPLE resources to access that care.) I also wasn't allowed to have the door to my bedroom closed at night. I was the only child who had that restriction in place, and my bedroom was right next to the second floor bathroom. My mother insisted on leaving that bathroom light on all night, even though the light came through the door right onto my pillow. If I tried to move my bed, or flipped around so that my head was on the foot of the bed (not in the light), she'd spank me or "deny privileges" (like getting lunch money to eat at school--that was a "privilege", even though she wouldn't either pack a lunch for me or let me make one). There's so much I look back on now, and I realize how incredibly controlling it all was. My siblings make a huge deal about how I always had extracurricular activities--but while I might have initially chosen to participate in each of them, parental consent to me participating and me continuing to participate was always contingent on me "behaving" the way they wanted me to behave. And if I wasn't immediately GOOD at something I really enjoyed, they'd absolutely take it away. They'd only force me to continue in something I wasn't automatically good at if it was something I didn't enjoy, but they thought added cachet or clout to their role as "liberal academic parents". Like, violin. I'd wanted to play cello, but was considered "too short". My father had always wanted to learn violin (because it was "gentlemanly"--and he was OBSESSED with all the trappings of intergenerational wealth and privilege), so they enrolled me in violin. I was forced to attend weekly lessons for almost seven YEARS. With semi-annual recitals after which my father would SHRED my performance on the car ride home. The worst part is that my violin teacher blamed my "lack of motivation" on herself--and I was fourteen during that last round of lessons, and wholly unable to articulate for her how my parents used my violin lessons with her to abuse me. I couldn't figure out how to tell her that it wasn't the instrument, the music, or the teacher--it was the plain fact that every time I tried to practice at home, I got yelled at for "failing" to do a chore I didn't know was on my list for that day, or was accused of being "deliberately annoying" when I should have known whichever parent (or sibling) needed QUIET. There were so many adults around me who had the opportunity to see how very very messed up things were. And just...didn't, because they couldn't or wouldn't believe parents could be THAT cruel and vicious, and because my parents were intelligent and skilled at manipulating others.

@sami6086

Жыл бұрын

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I hope your are in a better environment now? All the best for you

@Laura-nl8df

Жыл бұрын

Completely awful! I hope you are able to love yourself.

This resonated deeply. Thanks for sharing!

Today, I was 47 when I found out my mom is a narcissist and that’s why I copied that relationship with my ex husband. Each concept that you said here brings back memories both from my mother and my ex, and now, bc of this video, I’m finally able to see the links.

It’s because the person (parent) who they lived with decimated their trust and bonds And violated any sense of Safty So it’s hard to warm up to anybody So you “adjust “ you’re behavior so you won’t get hurt again , that could mean a number of things

As I am learning more about the narcissistic abuse that I faced from both my parents, and seeing how I married (and thank God, divorced) a narcissist, then having to live with them during the pandemic, the more that I am reluctant to get close to someone new. And it’s affecting me in new ways that I’m only discovering now. Im trying to not be scared or fearful, but it’s playing out that way. I wish I could have counseling at least once every two weeks, but can only be a month at a time, because I’m on a waiting list.

I really struggle with intimacy. The idea of closeness is anxiety inducing for me. I’m completely against marriage because I need to have one foot out the door. Being able to leave at any time I see fit is absolutely crucial

I feel like I need to listen to this one over, and over again. Along with the video on Psychopath vs Narcissist 🤨

Clarity moment. I think I’ve subconsciously combined my love for people and understanding the world and different perspectives with giving myself up a little when I enter into a relationship. I like to think of myself as resilient enough to maintain my individuality while I use my like “empath powers” (I know lol) to figure out a person. Try to enter into their perspective, embodying them as a tactic in learning their perspective, but I’m opening myself up as well. Possibly to a “the eye of Sauron” lol. Possibly to manipulation, but also to ridicule and dismissal by people who don’t understand my natural tendencies and then project something onto me. Like, what I am doing is like incredibly giving and empathetic, and I’m opening myself up to relative strangers because I want to figure them (and the world) out. If they are the Eye of Sauron, however, they are going to inherently view this as a sign of weakness and try to use it against me. I need to separate my love for people and having an “empath” trauma response in my relationships. Like conceptually better in my head. It’s hard to put that thought into words.