HUGE massive thank you again to the 556 of you who participated so openly in the survey 💖💖💖💖. I know this is a huge video, but I really wanted to do the topic justice as it's multi faceted and sharing your experience was really important to make this video fullsome, especially since there's not much research done

@redslyfox4

10 ай бұрын

I thought there was nothing i could contribute to the survey, but this video has unlocked some memories. Truely a canon primary - middle school experience. Thanks for the video❤

@lachlainegordon806

10 ай бұрын

Do you have a schedule for when you put out the surveys? KZread will send me notifications when a new video is posted but I almost always end up missing the surveys and it sucks. Do you know if there’s like, a special community tab notification bell that I could click bc I absolutely adore how dedicated you are to getting a bunch of different views through ur surveys and wanna be part of it every time❤️ If there are no extra community tab bell thing then I completely understand (but also, KZread should put that in place and should just generally care more about their content creators)

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

@lachlainegordon806 I don't have a schedule for surveys, no, but it all depends on the video topic. I don't think KZread has a special bell for community posts- but if you turn on "all notifications" when you hit the bell (the symbol appears different) it should notify you when I post anything, community or video :)

@lachlainegordon806

10 ай бұрын

@@BryonyClaire cool thank you so much! Now if I miss a survey I get to blame KZread lol

@JayBeMeee

10 ай бұрын

So happy I was able to contribute to the video with my answers! One of your best I think 💙💕

We’re expected to keep a cool head and be a caretaker of some kind for others who don’t pull their weight

@angelaholmes8888

10 ай бұрын

Yes exactly unfortunately my mother wasted years with a man who refuse to pull his weight

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

Yes even more so than boys are. We are not allowed to be angry even slightly peeved. Plus girls over a certain age and women can be scorned for crying as well as boys and men. I lived in London in the 80s and experienced this. You are treated like a child and adult at the same time.

@indigoneutral

10 ай бұрын

Social beliefs about women have subconsciously brainwashed most people into believing that a woman's biological directive is to "take care" of others. By biological directive, they are implying it "should" come naturally and "should" require no effort. And that women "should" want to make everyone else happy and derive happiness from that. Break any of those "shoulds", and they will believe you were either broken or you are defective. This is what a lot of "manosphere" participants are actually talking about when they go off about "western women". At that point, she's not even viewed as a person, she's an extension of him, like the handmaids in handmaid's tale. When men who think and talk that way are that fundamentally broken, it's the closest they can get to love. They only care about you as an extension of themselves and only about potential children as an extension of their legacy. They hide behind pseudo biology as an excuse to never get close with anybody, either because they are mentally weak or because they have anti social tendencies that make them see all relationships as transactional or strategic. I think it's funny that so much of the conversation around relationships has turned into what each gender is doing wrong, when both genders are guilty of trying to one-up the other, in order to avoid getting hurt. Women need to stop trying to make their man feel powerless so they can feel safe, and men need to stop demanding servant level loyalty and submission. Relationships require vulnerability from both sides. Either get with that or stay single.

@thepinkelephant2520

10 ай бұрын

Fr like no thank you.

@peopleofearth6250

9 ай бұрын

Stop complaining then. If you don't like something then do better. Problem solved 😂

This is actually an interesting essay because I saw a post on my social media this morning about a college professor who opened up about the fact that he grounded his daughter for wearing makeup... IN FRONT OF HIS FEMALE STUDENTS! The next day, all of his female students came to class with really high and sharp eyeliner wings. They had to ask him questions about the subject matter just so he can look at them. I thought it was pretty cool to see something so horrible and sexist turn into something awesome and badass

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

I love this retaliation!

@rebeccassweetmusic4632

10 ай бұрын

@@BryonyClaire When I reposted it, I was like, YESSS!!!!! WE LOVE SEEING QUEENS SUPPORT QUEENS AND FIXING THEIR CROWNS. I probably would have participated too even if my eyeliner wings are not perfect lol

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

omg i love them for that

@rebeccassweetmusic4632

10 ай бұрын

​@@pinklov4447Idk what ended up happening to that guy, but I hope he learned something that day...

@darkacadpresenceinblood

9 ай бұрын

that class is iconic omg

I remember growing up as a girl and being told I was like a “30 year old in a 12 year olds body” and it was said like a compliment. At the time it made me so proud of myself. But looking back at it now, I wish someone had asked me why I acted “so mature for my age” (which was really not being mature, just holding back and keeping everything hidden.) Thank you for how much research you do into these topics, it helps contextualize my own life and the world around me.

@jayshmay

10 ай бұрын

Also 🫂💖

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

A lot of us were told lines like that, it made me feel so important too, the whole "old soul" thing and looking back on WHEN I was told those things, big yikes! I'm really glad you liked the video :)

@promisemochi

10 ай бұрын

oh goodness, yes! growing up, i was expected to be a "little adult" in 7th grade my lunch group told me one day i could no longer eat with them because "you act like you're 30 it's so weird" and i just felt so out of place. i wasn't allowed to be on the same level as my peers. and my parents were not silent about their disdain for children (and teenage girls sadly) so i was always torn between the thing i was, and the thing they wanted me to be. but i never fit anywhere because of it.

@Acidfunkish

10 ай бұрын

That is def a red flag, and should be a hint that someone may be trying to groom you. This is NOT a real compliment.

@MarlopolyGaming

10 ай бұрын

that's funny, I was old I was "13 going on 30" Which in hindisght was such bullshit, considering I'm 25 now but now I'm considered "Immature" because I haven't ticked enough off the Woman Checklist.

I was always shamed for not being lady like, and being a tomboy, but then I was accused of being "too sexual" when I tried to be "more feminine," the box for women and girls is just so small and narrow, and you have to fit it or be essentially punished for not fitting, it's absolute BS.

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

Where is that window of acceptance? I don't think it actually exists in the eyes of misogynists. You are either a prude, a tease or a whore to them. Never a happy medium.

@es-jm5fg

9 ай бұрын

and ur still punished for “fitting in”

@emilyrln

9 ай бұрын

The box is one of those optical illusions where the back goes through the front 😂💀

@seeleunit2000

4 ай бұрын

Exactly.

I'm a trans man. I transitioned shortly before I changed schools. There, I was viewed as a cis boy, and the difference between how I was treated before and after was obvious. I could get away with so much more - talking with my (also male) friends during lessons, getting into fights in the hallways etc. I also got many more opportunities to speak, wasn't interrupted, was seen as a better speaker, funny, intelligent, capable. Nothing about me changed except my appearance and voice. But suddenly, people thought I was hilarious. It was insane. Honestly, I took advantage of it in highschool. I got used to being treated better than the girls, even though I had that experience. I feel a bit guilty looking back on it.

@ilikecookies9796

10 ай бұрын

Considering how bad trans people usually have it, I'd say you shouldn't beat yourself up too much.

@sillymanmcgee

10 ай бұрын

yeah, that checks out. i started medically transitioning to male in 8th grade, and when i changed schools, i got the boy treatment. now sometimes i’ll see reddit posts about how men DONT actually do sexist and gross stuff all the time and women just think they do. and then i think to myself, i can count tons of times where i was let in on terribly sexist conversations because i was “one of the boys”. its gross :/

@emericswitch2718

10 ай бұрын

@@sillymanmcgee absolutely. When you are seen as a straight cis man, unpleasant men feel comfortable expressing their misogyny to you. I have been let in on some genuinely horrific conversations because they thought I'd have no reason to disagree with the occasionally violent fantasies these men would have about women. Worst part is, I can't really tell who's going to say this stuff untill there are no women in the room. They look and act normal.

@kaiyodei

10 ай бұрын

at that point that is just puberty blockers right? @@sillymanmcgee

@ageis3250

10 ай бұрын

@@emericswitch2718 Your not a man and you never will be...And this world is bad for both. Stop acting like girls have it worse. This world is bad for both and trans people get looked down on because you people shove your "Gender" Down our throats. I mean seriously you guys go nuts if someone "Misgenders" You

I will never forget the one good memory I had from a middle school class. I bent down to get something from a low shelf and one of the boys slapped my ass. I freaked and shouted, "STOP" and the teacher, who was male, WENT OFF ON HIM in front of the entire class, and consoled me. He also let me draw in class. Bless that man. This same teacher also jokingly YEETED one of his red grading pens at the projector when it was being janky, and every class had a custom greeting for him we could sing based on a nickname for him. He was honestly so kind. Just wanted to put some positivity here since I have trauma dumped so much and thought this story of kindness might help others mentally.

@kitcat2449

10 ай бұрын

Sounds like an awesome teacher

@friendtoefungus8754

10 ай бұрын

All teachers should be like this

@emilyrln

9 ай бұрын

Absolute hero 💕

@freddogrosso9835

2 ай бұрын

That's awesome. A good teacher will have an long lasting impact in your life.

@Handle873

20 күн бұрын

Best teacher

I'm afab and the oldest child. I definitely struggled with being forced into the "perfect girl" box. I also have very large breasts that developed early, and received an ungodly amount of slut shaming as A LITERAL CHILD. Also, when I would play with the boys, I was scolded for not being "ladylike enough." That statement always infuriated me, and when I still identified as a girl, I rebutted with "I'm a girl, so everything I do is automatically ladylike." Thank you for making this video, since it gave me the language to describe a lot of the experiences I faced as a child.

@vi0let831

10 ай бұрын

I love axolotls so much man, your pfp is so cute 😭❤️

@yourhorseyepona7309

10 ай бұрын

I luv that comeback!! "I'm a girl, everything I do is ladylike!" I need to use that😂

@seeleunit2000

4 ай бұрын

I can relate to this so freaking much. I feel your pain.

I remember when I was 13 I walked down the stairs and my mom said “you look like jailbait”…I was wearing jeans, a band t-shirt, a brown wig, dark red lipstick, and A FUCKING FULL LENGTH TRENCH COAT! I took off the wig and she was completely fine…😒 The fact that this was the same woman that gifted me a copy of “A Vindication of the rights of Women” and “The Second Sex” when I was nine makes me so sad

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

YIKES! I do find that some women who follow second wave feminist thinking do think like this though, projecting that stuff onto their kids (I grew up with it, too). Women's empowerment in "the right way" which isn't very inclusive nor about expression - like third wave allowed.

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

​​ @BryonyClaire I call it faux feminism when they slut shame women and girls. They have internalised misogyny. They put women on a pedestal. Not all second wave feminists are like this though. Some are, but they are not real feminists.

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

@CordeliaWagner Even women in nuns habits and burka get raped. It's not about how much skin you show or how much makeup you wear that makes you a target. It's about power.

@lachlainegordon806

10 ай бұрын

@@CordeliaWagner Yeah, which is the worst part. To be honest with you, it was more so the fact that she’s told me about how her father used to say things very similar to her ( the main one was “don’t be a hussy”). It was more of that I knew that she was just repeating internalized views from her dad. I do also think she was trying to protect me (in a way that she knew how) but it was by putting the responsibility on me for how others might see me (who was 13, so the only people that would look would be looking at a 13 year old which is a completely separate problem). I think it speaks to the phrase itself, “jailbait”. Another reason why it affected me so much, its that I know my mom is incredible with words and could have said something that gave a different tone which I could reflect on, not feel shame around. It’s that my mom saw the way I looked, got scared for my safety, and in that fear she went to the most familiar (and in turn comfortable for her) place of putting the responsibility of others potential reactions to someone, on the person who is being reacted at. It prevalent in phrases like “well, maybe if I hadn’t worn that ____ then I could have prevented something from happening.”. Im sorry for this long rant, I guess my point is: The reason why she said that is because she wants to protect me, although her own traumas affect how well she is able to deliver a given message ( if the message is good but is intertwined with trauma the good message is gonna be distorted and the trauma will be emphasized). Also quick little thing I wanna add, I wore that kind of outfit (minus the wig) almost everyday. It wasnt sexual in any way, and I was just wearing a shoulder length brown wig. I guess what got to me was “wait, so I can wear this outfit if I have short blue hair but when I put on a brown wig (or if I had longer brown hair) then THAT is what makes an outfit “inappropriate”?”. It all fit in to the idea of I always had to be a “good feminist”, which was very stifling. Anyways, I hope that cleared some things up!❤️

@lachlainegordon806

10 ай бұрын

@@lemsip207 ❤️❤️❤️

thank god im autistic and also a lesbian where i dont understand gender roles and never have to live with a man raised in patriarchy

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

slay

@Starlight-ue8jy

10 ай бұрын

slay

@johannateuffer7742

10 ай бұрын

Same, autistic lesbian here. I cant stand men

@junkerburn2341

10 ай бұрын

thank god im an autistic trans man so i also dont understand gender roles and didnt have to be raised with that toxic masculinity bullshit!

@siilverREAL

10 ай бұрын

slay

You don't need to apologize for "getting heated". It's okay to have an opinion and feel passionate about it! You know how many male video essayists raise their voices during their video essays and never say sorry for it? You don't need to be ashamed for speaking up and showing emotion about topics like this.

@friendtoefungus8754

10 ай бұрын

Yes 100%

I'm a 53 year old mother of a blended family of five kids (2 boys and 3 girls). The chores were divided based on age and what other responsibilities the particular child had. As each kid got a part-time job, their chores decreased. My youngest daughter has a lot of school responsibilites, so we cut her some slack. My daughter gets dress-coded ALL the time because she has a curvier body. It really makes me angry. However, my daughter has already been through therapy for other issues, and doesn't internalize this nonsense; she just gets angry. This year, we have had the problem of the mother of my daughter's (now ex-boyfriend) saying my daughter dressed like a "whore." I was going to call this B*##), but my daughter wouldn't give me her last name. SHE called the mother HERSELF and let her know what she thought of her. We have raised our daughter to advocate for herself, and let NO ONE make her feel less than. However, I always step in when she just can't cope with what is being thrown at her, and she knows when it's time for me to take up for her (usually.) Great video, and it's a damn shame we are still living with this rot.

@mastersnet18

10 ай бұрын

Goodness I this day and age schools worrying so much about dress codes? I know I live in a super liberal area so I never realized how strict schools in other regions are.

@catvalentine4317

10 ай бұрын

You sound like an amazing mom! If I didn't know that I can create the kind of family that I wish I had, I would be very jealous...

@hahapleb1849

10 ай бұрын

​@mastersnet18 it's insane. Dresscode was to limit distractions, but we spent the first 10 min of class checking that people were wearing their belts. And if you were dresscoded for things like wearing holes into your pants or wearing a sweater w writing bigger than a credit card, you were sent out of class. We were discluded from lessons for the smallest of violations. Dresscode was the BIGGEST distraction

@mastersnet18

10 ай бұрын

@@hahapleb1849 yea that’s really stupid and crazy strict! Is this a private school? I went to school in New England my school barely had a dress code. As long as you wore shoes and covered your privates they didn’t care. I feel like just having a uniform is better than nitpicking at everything people wear.

@_noctivagus_

10 ай бұрын

Glad your daughter has someone like you, my mother does the equivalent of dress coding me and my curvy body (slut shaming tbh) and hates when I advocate for myself. Backing your kid to stand up to people like this is invaluable.

I stopped getting catcalled after I turned 18, even though I dress way less modestly now, as I was in nothing but sweatpants and hoodies for most of my teens. One of our family friends tried to groom me at around 7-8 and I was SA'd by my sister's dad (not mine) at around 5 or 6. During this whole time I had indeed been told by both these people and everyone around me that I was "so mature for my age" and I did see it as a compliment then but now looking back it makes me sick. Even now, at 19, often when I tell people how old I am they act surprised and say something like "wow I thought you were like 24", and it doesn't feel like a compliment. It's just a reminder that my childhood was ripped away from me. I didn't even get loving parents, I was just their scapegoat they projected all their insecurities and problems onto. I moved out with my boyfriend as soon as I could and I'm never looking back, while my little brothers will probably live there until they're 30. I was always compared to them. They were always the favorites. I have an older sister as well who disowned my mother as soon as she got the chance and I applaud her for it. Now, of course, my parents keep texting and posting saying they miss me, but I don't believe it for a second.

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

im so sorry u went through all this

@RedDrowned

10 ай бұрын

I'm sorry for all those experiences you had.. We're the same age, so your post really hit. I also used to get hit on more when I was underaged, but the concerning part for me, is that everybody thinks I look 15-16 NOW... so, I was getting hit on when I looked like I was a tween, which is even more fucked up when you think about it. I also used to be much more hypersexual at a younger age, not sure if it was because it was encouraged by media or by the shit strangers said to me, idk... it mostly resulted in sexting strangers online when I was underage. Funny to think that I was practically asexual by the time I turned 18, when everyone else started getting super into intimacy and sexuality, I had already had enough of it by then lol

Girls are pressured to grow up fast because grown men are rushing them to become available for mating purposes. Too many men don't want grown women their own age because young girls are easier to manipulate and control. Grown women have learned how to handle grown men and the men find it more challenging to get away with their shenanigans. I learned that the hard way. Most young girls do. If you are a young woman, the men your father's age and older are not it Sis!

@KatieLHall-fy1hw

8 күн бұрын

I am ever grateful to my dad. He let me play and be a kid for a long time. So did my mom. I had to do chores, and homework, but I always got to play. 💕

Studies also reveal that baby boys are ignored more than girls when they cry. Thats sad too. If i have a baby boy i will comfort him just as much as a baby daughter

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

That's so sad! And again it's just reinforcing this emotional neglect - which continues throughout life, and we wonder why men struggle with emotions??

I was wearing fishnets and got told I look like I was a “BDSM person” by my dad when I was 14. My mom told me “YOURE GONNA GET PREGNANT WHEN YOURE 16” when I was 12. I get dress coded for my shoulders often at school, and I’m scared of men and feel watched. It’s not my fault I have a body, it’s not my fault I was taught that I was grown before I knew about life.

I would love to see a take if women are actually allowed to express emotions in society either, like idk, i've heard the phrase "big girls don't cry" or "she's just on her period" quite often in my life, would be interesting.

@eggi4443

10 ай бұрын

"it's just her period" is the new "she's just hysterical". but this time we don't get thrown into psych wards for that. I guess progress?

@yourhorseyepona7309

10 ай бұрын

Honestly, u may have a point there. I was made out to be the crybaby growing up, even tho every woman in my family admits to crying so much thru out their lifetimes.😅

@amazinggrapes3045

4 ай бұрын

It's a double edged sword. Women at least have an excuse (being on period) to show emotion, and some even take advantage of that, to act like assholes and then blame their period. It's not ideal, but I certainly don't think the grass is any greener on the men's side of the equation.

@niceque7001

4 ай бұрын

@@amazinggrapes3045 yeah definitely double edged, you can use your period as an excuse to act like an asshole, but others can also say "you're just on your period, stop being hysterical" when bullying/making fun of you and not taking your reactive emotions serious. That happens quite often.

@seeleunit2000

4 ай бұрын

Trust me that would be a long and interesting video. The fact of the matter is there is still a stigma on women expressing honest to God emotions or having their emotions downplayed... It's really nauseating. Though, there should be a conversation about it. It needs to be discussed at length.

It’s also sad when our own peers try to force us to grow up. Little girls are called babies for playing with Barbie at the age of 6. When I was younger I had to pretend to be into MTV instead of Disney Channel. These things really made it hard to just be myself. Nobody wants to get made fun of at school but I also wasn’t ready to let go of childhood. Life is confusing.

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

Big time! Girls want to grow up because it's what's cool, and of course being told that girls mature faster, why wouldn't you? Reclaiming some joys of childhood is a positive things in my books, even as adults, to nurture that inner child that missed out

@StarSkies-

9 ай бұрын

As a kid i was bullied by my older sisters because i watched childish KZread videos as a SEVEN YEAR OLD!!

@mmgs1148

4 ай бұрын

I remember the terror in my classmate's eye when I told her I had read Winnie the Pooh recently. And we were like 11/12 at that time so yeah, idk if they wanted to grow up badly on their own or were conditioned by parents, older siblings and teachers constantly repeating that we are teenagers already

@amazinggrapes3045

4 ай бұрын

I don't see how this is a female-specific problem. A boy wouldn't be treated any better for liking Barbie at age 6.

@KatieLHall-fy1hw

8 күн бұрын

I played with Barbie’s until 12 or 14, and Star Wars figures for longer. My parents did not care at all, but didn’t like how I tended to be messy hahah also was the oldest of 5, so I got to play with my siblings, too, which I treasure

When I was 12 my aunt said my bathing suit was risky(it was a one piece with very dark black mesh where my cleavage was), when I told my mom she said she could only see it if she stared. I was told by my teacher in 6th grade not to wear my shoulderless shirt(it didn't even show any cleavage, just my shoulders and a tiny bit of my back), my grandma made me wear a scarf with it because "I needed to cover up." Looking back on this as a young adult it makes me sick why were people staring at my body like that I was a child. I was lucky that my mom didn't police my body like that, thank goodness she let me wear what I wanted.

@cmm5542

10 ай бұрын

You don't seem to realize that fellow WOMEN aren't 'looking at your body like that' - we don't think about other women and certainly not CHILDREN 'like that.' We're simply aware as responsible adults that perverts exist who WILL, and are trying to protect you since you obviously don't see the need to protect yourself. 'Wearing whatever you want' isn't worth the price of giving pleasure to perverts you may not even realise are looking at you until it's too late. There are so many gorgeous things to wear as a woman that AREN'T risky; WHY would you want YOUR BODY to be sexualized by some man who doesn't deserve to get to see it? You are special and that's ALL your relatives were trying to tell you!

@notCinnamonroll

10 ай бұрын

The people who call it too "sexy " , are deluly

@Thee.T3xic

10 ай бұрын

@@notCinnamonrollfr

@sierrasukalski2133

10 ай бұрын

People who want to sexualize, or run a power play, will. There is no camouflage or disguise that will keep you perfectly safe from any advance being made. You can try to trick predatory people into going after someone else first, but the very thing that wards one away, attracts another. Acting 'normal,' 'invisible,' 'unremarkable,' 'caring,' or really, like anything you could think of, will get you noticed by a certain type of predator. Tailoring your wardrobe, or your behavior, or your emotions, so you don't attract a predator's attention, is the kind of advice you give, and follow, when you haven't given yourself permission to see the many dangers in your midst, to fight back, and to know that you do your best protecting yourself in this world, even when it gets scary, and attacks slip through your defenses. Girls are taught to think of the people around them as 'good people,' the men, 'good men,' and extend unparalleled mercies, intimacies, and benefits of the doubt, as a matter of course, all the while receiving back micro aggressions, devaluations, and a lack of demonstrable similar investment in the relationship. And, because the welcoming front is so extra, we rightly expect a certain falseness in reaction to the positivity we put out, whether we think our positivity was a performance, or not, but gods forbid we slack on welcoming duties. Then the devaluation really starts, as I can attest by making it a pillar of my own personality. But here's the thing, when you're scrambling to have reasons to be a degree or two less afraid, someone is always ready to use that to use you. There's no out. There's no full, unforced breaths to be had. If you want peace, full body, I can relax now, peace and calm, you've got to stop fighting how you feel, and start honestly listening. You've got to move, and fight, and be afraid, when your instincts tell you to, and you've got to develop trust in them. Really, you've got to develop them, period. People who gaslight you about your supposed responsibility to control dangerous situations, in ways you didn't have any real control, are people you need to stop listening to, stop going to with your problems, and in many cases, stop living with, so that soft boundary transgressions no longer seem excusable. Your experience, especially your internal experience, is incalculably valuable. People who take away your focus there, and cause you to repeatedly forget... Check to see if they're abusing you. Do you only seem to recall what hurts you in your relationship with them, when you're upset? You may be storing that knowledge in traumatic memory. Do they do the same uncomfortable, hurtful things over and over again, while you excuse and forgive them? Are they always pushing the envelope a bit, even if you tell yourself it's annoying, but okay? Do they transgress your boundaries, and then you forget, while they say something to appease you, without ever really taking responsibility? I could go on, and I'm not a mental health professional, but I am someone with CPTSD, and what I just described are indications of complex post traumatic stress disorder I have from ____. If you feel in yourself the slightest inclination to stick to your sense of reality, please, stick with it, nurture it.

@seeleunit2000

4 ай бұрын

Tell me about it. And it's always just the girls. It's frustrating and anger-inducing we keep shaming women and girls for what bathing suits they wear... Or any other item of clothing. It really is sickening

regards to the dress code topic. i remeber girls being sent home for wearing tanktops but the boys would come to school wearing literal hentai on their shirts and would be okay. so women arent allowed to wear comfortable clothes when its hot but men can wear clothes that objectify us? ever since that i knew something was off about how we are viewed and treated

@endlessstudent3512

10 ай бұрын

Well you can just look at basically all muslim areas. In that hot weather, the guys treat themselfs to every amenity imaginable (shorts, tank top, going to the public swimming pools in trunks, sitting in cafes sipping cold drinks) and the women have to wear layers of long sleeved clothing, headscarf, only allowed at pools to watch the children and sit there fully dressed, serving the guys their drinks, sit inside an cook. I live in Germany and I have view of two muslim families that live in the neighbourhood. I see them in the garden, the guys nearly naked and drinking ice cold drinks and the women dressed head to toe and serving. One of the families always has the shutters down. All Day, always. I asked her when I met her on the street (she does the shopping alone, on foot, he has the car) and she said, that she doesn't want to wear the hiab all day, but as someone could possibly see her through the window, she keeps them darkened. And both families tell me they are modern and not religious. Almost all religions are bad for women (look at mormons/amish), some have lost their touch (christian church) but Islam is the worst imho on how they treat women.

I lived with my parents for a short while recently and I dressed how I normally dress (alternative, sometimes a little sexy). I am a woman in her 30s and I was leaving the house once, I walked in front of my dad, and he made a comment about how I would attract perverts/sickos, implying that I might get assaulted if I dress like that. I was speechless because he never said those things to my face before. I wanted to punch him. This is him knowing I was SA'd in my former bedroom wearing sweatshorts and a t-shirt by one of his family members. It's vile that there are some cultures, like mine, that still try to make the woman responsible for a man's actions. Enough is enough.

@cmm5542

10 ай бұрын

I don't understand how wanting you to be safe is making you 'responsible' for a man's actions. We lock our doors and don't leave valuables in our cars in unsafe meighborhoods; not because it's our 'responsibility' to not be robbed, but because we know there are criminals out there who WILL rob us if we don't take precautions? Of course you might get robbed even if you do, but why would you feel insulted by someone trying to mitigate the risk to you even if they weren't successful?

@Passions5555

10 ай бұрын

​@cmm5542 maybe because of the way the father went about it? Back handed remarks are trivializing and not taking the situation seriously if her Dad's concern was she might get negative male attention, have a serious conversation addressing it. Not a passive aggressive insult.

growing up, i was expected to be a "little adult" and always got complemented on "how adult" i was. it was always said as if it was this high honor. "she's so mature" "she's like a little adult" and "what a young lady!" in 7th grade my lunch group told me one day i could no longer eat with them because "you act like you're 30 it's so weird" and i just felt so out of place. i wasn't allowed to be on the same level as my peers. and my parents were not silent about their disdain for children (and teenage girls sadly) so i was always torn between the thing i was, and the thing they wanted me to be. but i never fit anywhere because of it. they looked down on teenage girls. if they were loud or giggly in public, my parents would comment. i was always being told they were glad i wasn't "one of those obnoxious girls" and it made me have such an internalized dislike of my peers but at the same time a longing to be close to them. i was always on guard. thinking every pretty or girlie girl was a "mean girl." while at the same time desperately wanting to be friends and fit in. my cousin got kind of the same treatment from a boys' perspective. my aunt raised him telling him things like "don't be like those other kids" or "kids are so loud and annoying, thank GOD he isn't like that!!" and it barred him from making friends to, even still into adulthood he harbors those attitudes. it just really, really sucks being raised with a mindset like this.

@LoveAndSnapple

10 ай бұрын

😢😢😢😢 I know EXACTLY how you feel. People really do have a great disdain for children and if they can somehow get a child that DOESN’T act like a child then they’ll everything to stamp the kid out of you. A lot of parents don’t want to go through the phases and stresses of “children” so they age you up so you act more mature. It actually leaves you a bit dead inside because you can’t socialize with your peers but you also need to “stay in a child’s place”.

@thepinkelephant2520

10 ай бұрын

That is LITERALLY how I think, that’s crazy

@EllieofAzeroth

9 ай бұрын

You summarized my childhood so succinctly I don't think I could beat it if I tried. Completely relate

@seeleunit2000

4 ай бұрын

And this is how Parents mess up their kids. Sorry you had to put up with that

Ppl only say "Girls mature faster than boys" to girls & only to excuse boys bad behavior & irresponsibility. I've NEVER heard it used to benefit girls (like why girls should get to do things at a younger age) or said to a boy, as in "Girls mature faster, u should learn from her/listen to her." Pisses me all the way off!

@SawseeSauce

10 ай бұрын

They use the biological fact that girls often hit puberty and growth spurts before boys do to justify trying to force girls to age faster mentally and emotionally… it’s kinda creepy

@amazinggrapes3045

4 ай бұрын

I've always heard it as a compliment to girls honestly. Like "thank goodness you're growing up already when your male classmates are so immature".

I was the eldest daughter and I also have a physical disability from birth. I can vividly recall doing all of the kitchen chores by myself as a teenager on school nights because my younger brother would sneak off to talk to girls on the phone. Just because I was disabled didn't mean I got cut any slack if I was fatigued. If I hadn't done the chores my stepmom would have dragged me out of bed before my brother was blamed for not doing his part. I had to get up at 5am. My sleep was valuable. I'll be darned if I missed out on sleep b/c stepmom was in a mood. Dad always cooked dinner and he was usually asleep in the chair as I was cleaning the kitchen.

@happyascheese

10 ай бұрын

I feel like my 2 siblings were given more leeway precisely because they were younger and able-bodied. My stepmom used me as a housemaid. I didn't have much of a social life, so I was put to work. There were times in addition to my own chores that I did the laundry of my father and brother on the weekends. I don't remember my stepmom ever doing many domestic tasks. She directed me or my brother on how to do things and usually the chores were split along gender based lines unless, it was something I physically couldn't do like vacuum the stairs.

@peopleofearth6250

9 ай бұрын

Do more and be better. It's not men's responsibility to take care of you.

@happyascheese

9 ай бұрын

@@peopleofearth6250 We were supposed to split the kitchen chores. That was the rule my parents set. The point is he should have pulled his damn weight and he didn't. It wasn't about him "having to take care of me." Disability does leave you with fatigue alot of the time. It was extra shitty of him to do, but yes let's defend the "man" with the ableist assumption that the disabled person doesn't do anything for herself.

@peopleofearth6250

9 ай бұрын

@@happyascheese Stop complaining. Problem solved.

@happyascheese

9 ай бұрын

@@peopleofearth6250 Talking to you is a waste of time I see.

Here's my story about my abusive religious dad: A few years ago, during one of the hottest days of the summer, me and my sister (I was 16 or 17 at the time, and I think she was around 22 at the time?) wore shorts in the house. We then went out in the garden to play tennis with our little brother. This ended quickly because my parents stood by the door telling us to get in immediately because of what we were wearing. We're already aware of our parents stupid strict dress codes, and we insisted that it shouldn't matter because we r in our own garden. Their concern was that the neighbours would see. I still remember the moment I stood their crying in the middle of the garden and my dad grabbed the tennis racket from me and took it inside. That night, my dad spent the rest of the evening screaming about how me and my sister were prostitutes; how we would never be able to keep a husband; how men would always leave us; about he was disowning me and my sister, and we were dead to him. Basically just painted us out to be the most vile and promiscuous kids he could imagine. I'm 20 now. I try not to "push it too much" by their standards with what I wear during summer time. I remember once a few weeks ago, I was wearing a long skirt in the house and I could tell my dad noticed and he hugged me telling me what a good daughter I was. I'm more quiet nowadays from feeling defeated by my dads arguing, and he's told me how happy he is with me lately because I'm so obedient. I hate being viewed like this meek girl, but I feel like I can't do much about it. Oh how I love being a woman.

@darkcrydotmrihavetoomanyst1440

10 ай бұрын

I hope you get away from your abusive dad one da,y he sounds horrible

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

@@darkcrydotmrihavetoomanyst1440 thank u

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

@@daniellek1461I find it hard to wrap my head around the way in which he views me. I guess he does definitely view my sexually. I just can't tell if it's predatory or not idk. Dw though, I am aware that he is a horrible and egotistic abuser and I will keep my distance for him the older I get

@kikow3792

10 ай бұрын

​@@pinklov4447sweetie, he is your *dad*. If he views you sexually, that is predatory. Full stop. My father never tried that on me. He would start a conversation about how the way I present myself was meant to attract men, and if I was aware of the male gaze. It was his way of trying to not slut shame me while also being overwhelmed by his daughter not being a little girl anymore. I have children now. I wear what I want. He doesn't care.

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

@@kikow3792 I totally get what you're saying. It's just weird trying to fathom in my head what part of it is: 1) the normalisation of controlling what women should wear that is a result of victim blaming culture VS 2) how much it's pushed by how he himself views children s*xually. I know it's a disturbing and weird grey area. I'm not trying to paint him in a good light, he's disgusting. I just don't know exactly what's going on in his head. So yeah, your right in the sense that it is all predatory whatever way you look at it. But what I meant by "non-predatory" (which I realise now isn't the right phrasing) is that I don't know if it's because of his personal way of s*xually viewing children, OR if he just thinks it's immorally wrong to dress like that because of the way he's horribly been socialised. The second one isn't much better at all lol but it would mean he may not personally be attracted s*xually to me.

I really hate it when people say some kids/adults have "old souls".

Edit: for a spelling mistake When you brought up the “girls who grow up without fathers turn out to become promiscuous” point it reminded me of something which happened to me that I never connected the dots to. I grew up from the age of three to seven with a single mom. Then when I was eight we moved in with her boyfriend later turned husband but before we did that, she never commented on my clothing. She genuinely did not care what I wore so long as I wouldn’t get dress coded (so no thin straps or leg wear which didn’t reach past my fingertips) and outside of school I could wear whatever I wanted. Then we moved in with her boyfriend and suddenly everything changed. I had to wear sleeves all the time. My shirts had to not just cover my torso but couldn’t rise enough to expose my stomach when I reached for something. My pants and skirts had to be knee length. I couldn’t even wear pajamas around the house anymore. She could go around the house not wearing a bra but if I did then I’d be called out and told to change because it’s “inappropriate.” There became this constant monitoring of my clothing and what I wore. I ended up stopping wearing the clothes that brought me joy because it was too much of a hassle. I can’t wear skirts and dresses without tights or shorts underneath them. I can’t wear anything that exposes my arms without a jacket or cardigan as well. It was like I suddenly could not exist without constantly being monitored. When I started trying to wear makeup it was similar stuff as well. When we lived alone, she’d let me play with her makeup. I wore brightly colored eyeshadow and dark lipstick outside because she had it in her makeup collection and I found it. She never made a comment, not a single peep. When we moved in with him suddenly I couldn’t wear makeup from her collect anymore, not even around the house. When I started getting into makeup in my preteens, I was shamed for liking the same look I had when I was a kid, colorful eyeshadow and dark lipstick. We went to his family’s house for the holidays one year and I did my makeup because I’d been feeling kind of bad about myself and I wanted to do something fun. I was wearing a pastel colored long sleeved shirt with some jeans and matched my eyeshadow to it and then put on a deeper nude toned lipstick that was only a shade or two darker than my actual lips. I felt good about myself then I went out of my room and my mom made a face and told me I needed to take off my makeup but we didn’t have time because we had to leave. We got to the party and suddenly everyone started treating me differently. Her now husband included. They started commenting on how I looked, calling me pet names that made me uncomfortable. I asked them to stop and no one did. Everyone there was older than me. They were all adults and I expressed that the way that they were treating me made me severely uncomfortable but they didn’t care. I ended up going outside upset and the one person who I actually liked at the party came outside with me and she was the only person who had treated me like a person the entire night. She told me she liked my makeup and that for a thirteen year old it with limited experience it was really good. The damage was already done though. I felt awful and stopped wearing makeup for years after that night. I’ve only started dressing and wearing what I like recently. I still don’t do it around my family, especially my mom’s husband because every time he makes some snide comment about it. Be it something like “oh, you’re wearing a dress? What’s the occasion? Are you seeing someone?” to telling me to cover up and that he’ll have to fight boys away. It’s just so frustrating because this was never a problem before my mom got married but then it suddenly was. My entire world changed when we moved in with him with no explanation as to why and no warning nor a say. I went from being a really confident happy kid who didn’t care what people thought to someone who is now hyper aware of what people think and has had to take years to build up the confidence to wear what I used to wear without a second thought.

@EllieofAzeroth

9 ай бұрын

This was more at the end of your post but I hate when people say ,"oh you actually put an outfit together that isn't a t shirt and jeans? I didn't even know you HAD nice or feminine clothes!" Like yeah well I didn't know you were capable of washing the baby puke out of your hair auntie so we're both doing well. Those kinds of comments are so fucking toxic and they don't even think about it before they say it

Yknow what sucks is that I was the youngest in my family and everyone older than me actually got it so much lighter- my sister was given so much freedom to make mistakes and I wasn’t given that freedom or allowed to grow up. It was just me and her, but my parents used so much time on my sister that I was always sidelined. Had to teach myself everything and grow up basically feeling alone all the time. Even my sister tossed it on me. I don’t doubt the “eldest daughter effect” but I had it the other way around: the assumption that since my sister already had her own stuff going on, I could wait until she left home to do anything, and a general ageism. I didn’t even get extracurricular classes but I was dragged to hers for example, and I was much more proactive in doing chores and trying to prove myself. My sister didn’t emotionally support me either, nobody in my family did. I don’t think I’d be alive anymore without therapy. To this day I feel an unreasonable pressure to be perfect.

@angelaholmes8888

10 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry that you didn't get to enjoy your childhood sadly I know the feeling

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

It's extra tough when there's an obvious favorite child, the want to be perfect to prove yourself worthy of their attention is really tough. I'm glad you were able to go to therapy, that you're still here, and I do stress this point - the only person's approval that you need is your own. Doing things that help your inner child feel safe, valued and joyful is really important. There's lots of great resources on this site, and this one may help you: psychcentral.com/health/emotional-neglect-childhood#how-to-heal

@AnEmu404

10 ай бұрын

The ‘perfect’ struggle is real. Pretty similar here, only with two older brothers, and thus a bit of sexism at play since im AFAB. My eldest brother was diagnosed with Aspergers at a very young age, i had to wait until i was 17 to finally get diagnosed with autism. One brother being autistic and the other with ADHD and depression, me and my mental health struggles were completely overlooked. I was relied on to be the ‘normal one’ so i to this day have not told my family about my s****dal ideation and maladaptive daydreaming. Luckily my mum was stay-at-home so i didn’t have to do as many chores, but this also meant my independence skills are now severely lacking as i go into university, and my anxiety issues could not be worse. Anyway, sorry for rambling about me, I’m so glad you’re still here with us. Everyone’s family situation is unique, im really glad therapy helped you. CBT has been pretty useless for me so far but I’m not writing off all therapy yet. And remember, you never ever have to be perfect for anyone, mistakes make us human

@JohnSydney225

10 ай бұрын

@@AnEmu404 I relate to this like you wouldn't believe. I'm just happy we're still here and able to talk about this, especially when things and life feel so overwhelming.

@PurpleNoir

10 ай бұрын

I’m sorry pal 😔 Please remember you are enough and that YOU are an amazing, unique, one of a kind person. Wishing you the best life stranger ❤️

Me and most girls in my class matured physically at around 12, so no one really talked about it, but at that same time it was like all of my classmates just suddenly changed their interests. Everyone started talking about s*x and such stuff, jokes about r*pe (some of which were directed towards me because I was bullied) and suddenly all that stuff became the most popular conversation topic. I knew that I'm not interested in all that and looking up mature stuff on the internet made me slightly uncomfortable, so I felt immature compared to all my peers, because I just wasn't interested in s*x at all (and later in life I found out I'm ace) Besides that I was bullied for liking plushes and my little pony and a girl that bullied me the most tried really hard to convince me to "change my interests to something more fitting" and even tried to set me up with some guy I didn't know because apparently 12 y.o. is the age you're supposed to get a boyfriend. Luckily I rejected her, but it caused her to bully me for the next few years ;-;

@HaleyMary

10 ай бұрын

I matured physically at 11. It felt awkward because some of the boys would ask me why I was so fat even though my body just was maturing. It's made me very self conscious about my weight for most of my life. I wasn't interested in sex when I was in middle and high school. Even in my late teens and twenties, I couldn't relate to hook-up culture. Even when I had my first and only boyfriend from age 25 to 30, it was like he didn't like that I was abstinent and I felt like he resented me for that.

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

I matured two years later than most girls in my year at school. At 13, I was told I was too old for ballet classes and at 14 too old for Girl Guides yet there is Rangers for older girls. I loved plushies too but secretly. Plus drawing, card games and board games but only indulged in those during the power cuts as you couldn't watch TV then and in the school holidays when I felt freer. During the school term, you had to account for your evenings and weekends at school.

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

I thought it was obvious with boys too as they grow to be taller than girls eventually. The average height difference between the genders is now 5 or 6 inches. They finish growing upwards later than girls and then they start growing outwards between 16 and 21. Plus the voice suddenly breaks and they can hardly talk properly for two years which is why they grunt a lot.

@thepinkelephant2520

10 ай бұрын

That just made me realize that as soon as all the girls matured in my school, like 6th and 7th grade, everyone made those jokes too. Suddenly everything was made weird and it was always the boys and sometimes the girls when they saw fit (but it was never anything risky, just vague and whatever. The boys made it OBVIOUS.)

@snowicorn

10 ай бұрын

@@thepinkelephant2520 Yeah, it was pretty much the same in my school unu One time the girls that were bullying me (the girl that I mentioned in my comment and her friend) took a photo of me in the dressing room while I was changing from my PE uniform and then showed that photo to some boys (who were also bullying me ._.). The boys started saying gross stuff and "joking" on each other like "you slept with her haha" "no, gross, I didn't" I still don't understand what's even remotely funny in all that, honestly

Being the only girl out of 6 children, way too much stuff was put on my shoulders to take care of. I remember one time my little brother was playing around and lifted up my swim top and ran away giggling, and it bothered me so I yelled at him for doing it. I got called inside and got in trouble for yelling, and then my step dad said, "why are you so upset? It's not like you have anything there anyway." I was 8.

I will never forget the long term shame and insecurities instilled by school when it comes to my body. We had girls showing up for Halloween as "hoes" (torn up tops, mini skirts, fishnets, bad hair and makeup) and my vampire look got me sent home because youbcould see my bra straps because the top was off the shoulder/ had a BACK with a low cut- i was told the fact the fasteners were visible it was a temptation. I was wearing 3 bras at the time just to not be talked to about my boobs in the hallways. Do you know how painful it is to squeeze i cups inro THREE double d bras? I could barely breathe and it STILL wasnt good enough. If i wasnt actively trying to makeyself ugly/ unattractive i was a walking example of "why we should have dress codes. Not to mention, Most the leers and gross comments were from adult staff members, especially men. Yes jealous girls and horny boys were a thing- but they never just started waxing poetic about my bra strap in math class. Most of my peers just felt sorry for me, with those expected undertones. And heaven forbid you actually stood up for yourself or talked back to a teacher. Apparently them (being an adult man) talking about my inappropriate bra strap/ breats is totally notmal and not at all weird- but "why dont you stop staring at my tits and teach the class" is not ok because how do you think saying that makes your teacher feel? Dont you know what you're implying???? Yes i do. Stop hiring people to watch minors when they cant keep their sexual attraction to said minors under control. If a man cant teach because of a 16 yer old's boobs he shouldn't be allowed around 16 year old girls. If thats most men theres a much bigger problem begging to be addressed.

The whole 'you girls are so mature thing' is so true. Boys in my class are constantly talking really loud, saying awwful racist, sexist things, taking each others stuff and throwing stuff around, physically fighting with each other (even if it is in a 'friendly' way) and they barely get any consequences beyond being told to stop. However if some girls are talking in class (mind you not very loudly) they get lectured. My friend (afab) threw a pen (not at anyone) in class once, and the teacher yelled at her very loudly and got the head of faculty to come 'deal' with her and she got a detention. No warning, no stop it. Meanwhile in the same class the boys had said very awful things which the teacher heard, and they got nothing. The boys never get yelled at, never have to go to the head teachers office and only one of them has ever had a detention, and that was once. And my friend got all this for throwing a pen.

@kitcat2449

10 ай бұрын

Boys should really be disciplined as well. I mean yeah, kids should be able to be kids, both boys and girls, but if they're saying racist and sexist stuff and being that reckless they should face consequences for their actions or they won't learn to be decent adults. I wish both teachers AND parents paid more attention how they raise the kids, because those kids are going to be adults one day.

@elleryan

9 ай бұрын

God I remember in school there was a huge ‘controversy’ where an unused tampon was thrown in a classroom and it was taken SO seriously - way more than all the crap the boys would say and do. It turned out that it was a boy who threw the tampon after taking it from one of the girls bags. They both got punished by the school even though she didn’t do anything but the girl also got socially slut shamed for having a tampon. Obviously if she was using pads she’d also have been called gross and immature so there really was no winning.

@kitcat2449

9 ай бұрын

@@elleryan wtf, is she supposed bleed in her pants and on the school bench then if both wearing pads/tampons is immature :D some people are ridiculous. Our school shares free pads and tampons.

@elleryan

9 ай бұрын

@@kitcat2449 It was completely ridiculous! I’m glad your school shares period supplies that would’ve been unheard of at mine. I only went to school about 10 years ago in the UK and we had abstinence only sex ed! It wasn’t even a catholic school just a plain old state school.

@kitcat2449

9 ай бұрын

@@elleryan in UK?? Damn, I thought people there were more progressive. Do you know if the situation has changed now? That's so odd. I'm from Finland and luckily we have had good sex ed for years.

Omg the mature body thing hit me so hard. I'm black (but I live in a predominantly black country) and started going through visible changes (mostly my chest) at age 10. I went from a 32 C up to a 32 DD/E by age 13. I couldn't dress the way my friends did, I was actually prevented by my school from doing swimming in PE because I "made the coaches uncomfortable". I WAS 11 AND GROWN MEN GOT UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ME?! I still struggle to wear anything low cut because i get stressed about being told off for being "inappropriate" for existing.

oh boy, the Shame Train! I remember one day when i was about 14 my mom gave me shit in a Wal-Mart parking lot for running to catch up to her because my boobs would bounce if i ran (and a group of boys I passed commented on my tshirt). I remember very specifically that I was wearing a black Van Halen concert t-shirt in a men's size and either jeans or cargo shorts. No cleavage showing whatsoever, nothing remotely sexy about the outfit, it was 100% just that my body was unacceptable and i was apparently responsible for everyone else's behavior.

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

CHOO CHOO!! Nothing like feeling self conscious about your body for the rest of your life for literally no reason other than existing

@TricksterModeEngaged

10 ай бұрын

​@BryonyClaire No kidding! I mean this was literally decades ago at this point and still I remember exactly what shirt I was wearing and how that feeling of validation I had felt for a moment when the boy complimented it turned into shame when I caught up to my mom and she said that.

The weaponized incompetence really hits home for me. Especially in regards to cleaning (keep in mind my mom is Russian and the group of people that we come from take a lot of pride in cleanliness). I remember her saying things like “cleanliness next to godliness”, and when I started producing body odour, thats when things really got bad. In the mornings ( it started when I was about 10) I had to scrub my armpits with a wash cloth (which made my skin sore and red), then I had to put on an anti-perspirant (which stung my raw skin), and then finally after those things I put on deodorant. After that, I would have to go downstairs for checking. She would put her close up close to my armpit and sniff. If I didn’t do a good enough job, I had to do it again. Then, when I started getting armpit hair, she started making comments on it, saying things like “you wouldn’t smell as bad if you were shaving your armpits, the body odour gets stuck in the hair”. All of it made me feel so sick and wrong and gross. I remember mentioning how I felt about it one time and mom said that something to the message of “at least Im not comparing you to a pig”. But one thing that remained consistent is that she always said “I’m saying this so that people wont make fun of you because I want to protect you”. And so I did everything she told me. AND THEN I GOT BULLIED ANYWAYS FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! She’s also blamed my ADHD for…tbh idk what. Here’s an example from a few weeks ago “The fact is that your ADHD, combined with being at the low end of the autism spectrum, doesn’t do you any favours if you are blind, uninformed, and unarmed against the kinds of tricks your brain will play on you.” And wanna know the worst part about that statement: I DONT EVEN HAVE AUTISM I HAVE NON VERBAL LEARNING DISORDER! I am so infantilized while also being expected to act mature and take care of her. And no matter what happened, everything was, has always been, and forever will be, my fault. When I try to stand up for myself, she said that I was “blaming her for my mental health”.

@denelian116

10 ай бұрын

I mean, *I* blame her for your mental health! Treating you like that, what does she expect?

@lachlainegordon806

10 ай бұрын

@@denelian116 thank you so much ❤️ I don’t think you realize how fucking validating it was for me to read that. I feel like there’s sunshine in my stomach now😊. Thank you, so freaking much. I hope you have an incredible day!❤️

@AnEmu404

10 ай бұрын

God thats so awful, hope you’re doing okay, i can imagine stuff like that as a young kid could really mess with your sense of self. I’m on the autistic spec and i had a friend who used to bring up the way i walked or spoke and say “you’ll get bullied if you do that” constantly. I never did. She was the one doing the bullying, and she didn’t even realise (i think). Adhd and autism can be similar (also very different) i tend to butt heads with my ADHD brother a bit, but we have solidarity in neurodivergency. Though you still have to take responsibility for yourself, it’s SO important to acknowledge how being ND affects your capabilities and the way you interact with the world. Idk what else to say, but love and solidarity from a fellow European Neurodivergent ♥︎

@lachlainegordon806

10 ай бұрын

@@AnEmu404 thank you 🙏🏻 And im sorry you had to go through what you went through. Much love and solidarity my friend❤️

@mastersnet18

10 ай бұрын

This must be an Eastern European thing because I’m from there and I can relate to having a mother who blames you a lot. Also tons of body shaming.

My mothers worst insult to me was that "I wasn't acting like an adult". she hated the fact that I liked games and animation.

Ah yes, dress codes. My public school made all of us who were afab, wear a dress to walk in our 8th grade graduation ceremony. As someone whose disability primarily affects her legs, this was hell. I wore dress pants to every formal event for both modesty and in order to have more functionality in terms of movement. (You can't wear leg braces with panty hose and the idea of exposing myself in a fall terrified me.) This makes me so damn mad even all these later. I brought up my legit concerns to a teacher and was still denied the right to wear pants. Yeah, I'm resonating with teachers enforcing patriarchy.

@AnEmu404

10 ай бұрын

God f-ing damn that sucks, sexism and ableism in one foul swoop. Gendered dress codes make me so angry. One of my brothers went to a private school because he was bullied so badly at the local comprehensive school (and they were super incompetent abt it), and my parents offered to send me there since tooit was a nice place and we could just about afford it. One of the biggest reasons i refused (aside from not wanting to be a financial burden & not having friends there) was that they FORCED girls to wear skirts as part of the uniform. Also you know, posh pricks would’ve been there too. Any uniform codes that make girls wear skirts or dresses makes me so goddamn angry, same for boys not being allowed to wear skirts/dresses. And like, *especially* if you have a physical disability your clothing needs should be accommodated for. That’s just a no brainer. Bloody teachers.

@Envy_May

10 ай бұрын

you couldn't even wear something under the dress ?????????

@jinxcraft1170

10 ай бұрын

This is giving me flashbacks to high school orchestra. As opposed to the dress pants & a polo with our school name on it for everyone, Freshman year we were all assigned these long dresses that I swear were designed for pre-teens as they seemed to only accommodate A, *maybe* B cups if you had the right size everywhere else. I think I went 2 or 3 sizes up, & it was still a size too small to fit comfortably in the bust, but I was afraid I'd trip over the hem as it was. I tried asking to wear the boys outfit on account of playing the cello (kinda narrow skirt, I could barely play) and my friend on account of simply not being comfortable, and were denied. "Because then I'd have to allow the boys to wear the girls' dress" Girls also had to wear high heels to the concert (again, even if you played the cello & it changed how managed holding it between your legs or played the Bass) because: "That's how done in *professional* orchestras." The next year, I got yelled at for wearing mostly black sneakers at a music seminar performance until I pointed out that my ankle was still ACE bandaged up from a bad sprain... (Edited to breakup paragraphs better)

@happyascheese

10 ай бұрын

@@Envy_May Sure, and I wore shorts underneath dresses when I was very young (think preschool age), but I don't like not to have foot and ankle support when walking. You have to also factor in that dress pants were all I owned at this point. So, I had to go out and buy a dress along with dress shoes that gave me no orthopedic support to follow an arbitrary dress code. I never wore that dress again. My body should have been accommodated for and I shouldn't have had to beg a teacher for that.

@Envy_May

10 ай бұрын

@@happyascheese dang 🥲 i don't know who schools think they are with how much control they try to exert over children, who they are, in theory, providing a _service_ to

I was waiting for an USG once and there was a family in the waiting room - they had a daughter and the mom was pregnant. There was also an older couple and this old man says "It's great that they had a girl first, she'll help with her sibling!". THE DAUGHTER WAS 2 YEARS OLD.

What I always found wierd was how the all the PE teachers that ever taught me always favored girls. This would occur with other teachers as well, but not as often. (And it somehom never went the other way around.) They would scream at the boys and make them do all kinds of execises as punishments, but with the girls they'd just be chill. Also any time the groups were together they would make some remarks about how the boys must be gentlemen and refered to girls as "ladies" (not a direct translation, but it's that kind of connotation). I also vaguely remember some borderline harrasment happening. They would say "if this was in america, we'd get arrested" jokingly and people were chill with it.

@rimkokoa3766

10 ай бұрын

OMG yesss, boys get more harsher physical punishment at my school, since my class has more boys than girls in it (we only have like 5 or 6 girls) and I’ll be honest boys in my class do be acting rowdy, raising their voices and stuff but it still doesn’t feel good to see them be slapped around from the bigger teachers, and most teachers don’t harm girls even when one is being disrespectful probers because they don’t want their parents to complain, or just seen them as ‘weak’ physically. i always say in my head how glad I am to be a girl because it’s less trouble but we do have to act mature and that feels stifling to do for years and hours in class room.

@BriSoza

9 ай бұрын

This actually reminded me of an experience I had taking weight training in hs with the football coach which was the opposite of your experience. That man did not see boy or girl and called everyone by their last name. At the time I thought he was a Jerk but looking back I respect how he treated us all the same. He'd always call girls out for standing around or fixing their hair lmao

I got my period at 10, and I'll never forget my mom telling me that now I'm a young lady and can't be childish anymore. I was supposed to keep an eye on my brother, who's older than me, bc I was the responsible, "mature" one, to the point that if he did something dumb, we both got grounded; him for doing it and me for not stoping it. I was the first in my class to get my period, so when the other girls were getting them, I tried my best to help them out. I was aware of the social pressure in high school but I never felt shame for being myself there, I'm so thankful I had a friend group to be childish with.

Once when I was young I saw my mom painting her nails and I wanted to try it too because it looked cool and pretty. Then when I went to visit my dad, he told me to clean it off asap. I didn’t understand why. Years later my mom explained that it’s bc in our community, they see girls painting nails or even being interested in nails or makeup “acting fast” or “acting too grown”. I was 4. It literally took me years to feel comfortable in painting my nails since that day.

So many times I heard the "oh I'm so glad I don't have any girls, they're so hard to raise" comments when literally my sister, I and all of my afab friends were the quietest, unproblematic children because of conditioning. And most of my amab friends, family, neighbors were horrendous to deal with because they were babied, let off the hook for their behavior, and so on

'You're so mature for your age.' Thanks, it's the trauma. The one thing I have taken away from a really terrible childhood is that I will not raise my kids, especially my daughters, the way my parents did.

So, so many good points in this video!!! I really appreciate you bringing up the idea that girls are prepared to be a "perfect victim" if something happens to them. I've articulated an idea similar to this to several of my friends and my husband; as a woman going out into the world you have to look juuuuust put together enough, but not TOO dolled up, and behave in EXACTLY the right way, because if something happens to you, your character and personhood will be eviscerated by those looking to place the blame on you. It makes it incredibly difficult to escape gender norms in society, because it generally makes you feel unsafe when not following them. I was lucky to grow up in a home where my parents let me explore who I wanted to be with little impact from my gender. My mom is kind of a tomboy herself, and she was so excited to see whatever interests I developed, 'girly' or not, and I'm sure that had a big impact on my freedom to explore.

As the sibling to a person with disabilities, THANK YOU for mentioning it. People with disabilities, especially those who are nonverbal are overlooked by society, government, and the media. The burden falls squarely on the caretakers. When you grow up with a sibling with severe special needs, you miss out on a lot of normal childhood experiences, not to mention the social isolation (being the neglected child and also not being able to relate to your peers in some ways). Our experiences are often not validated and when you speak up about the more negative aspects, people judge you for not being the selfless, loving sibling of a defenseless being. You can love your sibling and still grieve that the situation made you grow up fast.

Bruh, Ngl as a someone who grew up in a strict Christian household I was constantly told as a kid that I have to be a wife and mother when I’m an adult and take care of all the housework. I internalized that well before the age of 5. I took care of my brothers and was a parent of sorts (even having a cousin make me parent his own kids starting at 13, everytime I fought back on that I was considered “disrespectful” to the majority of my family). My grandmother always forced me to take on more responsibilities, be an adult (but not to adult because “childhood is important and kids grow up too fast these days” wonder why). I had to be the peace maker when the family fought or when police showed up. I was told constantly that I was “mature” for my age (more like grew up way to early due to trauma). People always said girls matured quicker than boys and that lead me down a dangerous road of getting SA in public and getting blamed for it because I was too slutty in appearance (sorry didn’t realize my large bust and body shape made me look like a slut, I’ll just turn 8yrs old again) ofc trying not to get further in trouble I never told in my family cuz I was already slut shamed for wearing a pencil skirt to meet my teachers because I wanted to look more mature to match how I supposedly acted. Also I never told anyone until recently about the worst sa I’ve been through because I “should’ve been the bigger person and stopped it before it happened” however if I’m too disruptive I’m a problem or dare I say “disrespectful”. I’m 21 as of writing this and people think I’m extremely immature for my age because I have toys, dress up in odd ways, watch kids shows, and can’t regulate my Emotions like a functioning adult. However at least my mom understands it. Now that she has more time to spend with me and my brother we all tend to talk about our lives before here. We’re all 3 childish and just trying to exist after years of being treated horribly. My therapist is probably having a hay day realizing the job security 😂😅

@maryss8767

9 ай бұрын

sometimes i wonder why religious family do this ? . i am also born in religious family ( Not christian ) . I trough a lot of bad things , but now i already decide to live my life , whats i want to do in this life . i also avoid religious and mysoginist peoples .

I remember my 60-something year old male teacher literally stopping class and telling my friend to pull up her shirt because he “couldn’t teach”. We were 13. I was also constantly dress coded along with the 3-4 other girls with boobs, but the flat chested girls never were, while wearing the same clothes. My mom took their side by throwing away my clothes. Girls bodies are demonized so much. I still think about that and get sad.

Awesome vid...one of many instances that kinda traumatized me in highschool was walking down the stairs and my uncle saying "Oh, I thought someone had hired a hooker!", since I was wearing a short skirt and fishnets (y'know, goth kid attire). I was so upset about that...even now in my mid thirties. It really is awful how people slut shame young afab individuals...I think it's fine to explain that older men might look at them sexually, but teach them to call out men's bad behaviour rather than put up with it silently. Sooooo many times I wish I'd called men out when they groped me... especially at work. Disgusting.

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

Gross! It's so nasty that family members feel it's okay to comment like that on their own relatives, it sure lets us know what they think (and worse - since they're not related) about other women/girls out and about just living their lives. Fully agree, it's important to educate but putting that blame on kids? wtf? no!

@Koziism69

10 ай бұрын

@Tom_ig Thank you...yeah, I need to do that. Just annoying that it's at all necessary. 😔 Also I love your G.I.R. icon...I loved him so much lol

I’m only 22 and I’ve been rediscovering and enjoying all the pink, babyish girly girl things I was “too old for” when I was a kid and I am living my best life. I even tried to play with dolls recently and I was disappointed to discover that I’ve forgotten how.

I am AFAB and almost 30, but have nieces ranging from ages 3-25. I feel like many of my nieces, even the ones that are only 10-13, are more “mature” than me. And I couldn’t figure out why at first. I eventually realised there’s a few reasons. One is just anxiety - I’m kinda insecure and anxious, while they’re all really confident in themselves. But that’s just one part of it. The other part is how well we meet gender expectations. I am AFAB, but growing up I mostly did not want to be a stereotypical “girl”. I liked playing with Bratz dolls and baby dolls, sure, but also enjoyed toy cars, plastic guns and swords, and other “boys toys”. As I got older, I was definitely more of a tomboy in how I dressed, didn’t (and still don’t) enjoy make up or fake tan (which was really popular amongst girls at my high school at the time) or jewellery. I’ve recently realised I’m enby, and I’ve known for a while I’m acearo, so I think that played a part. My nieces, however, are very much stereotypical girls. So they wear the make up and the cool outfits, they are always on social media and texting their girlfriends and doing all of the stuff that is expected of them. They have been much more strongly ensnared by all of this stuff than I was, so even I feel like they’re more “mature” than me and like I’m “too childish” even compared to my 10 y/o niece. But it’s all for show, because they’re obviously not more mature than me. I have so much life experience they don’t have. Yet because of those superficial appearance things, it’s really easy to think otherwise. I think being enby and acearo kind of protected me a little. I was aware of all of these expectations growing up, and tried a couple of times to conform to them so that I wouldn’t be seen as uncool or undesirable or “ugly” for not wearing make up or “nice” clothes, but it never stuck for long because I just strongly didn’t enjoy it. My nieces don’t have the same protection, though, which makes me sad. They never really got to be “girls”, and instead were just kind of automatically shuffled into the category of “little women”.

@caitlingill

10 ай бұрын

I’m not enby, but I’ve had both sides I’ve felt more girly and I’ve also felt more laid back. In my early teens (14/15/16) I had a phase where I loved crop tops and skirts and heels and throughout most of my childhood I’ve been pretty girly (loving pink, dolls, bows, although I also did love Lego, nerf guns, toy cars and had a mix of guy and girl friends), but somewhere when I was 16 I couldn’t be bothered anymore and wear band shirts, jeans, sneakers and I have ever since (I’m 19 now). Apparently I dress “childish” but I love my style right now and honestly I’m the happiest I’ve ever been

@AnEmu404

10 ай бұрын

Honestly I’m exactly the same as an aroace (AFAB) nonbiney that’s an adult now, but sure as hell don’t feel like it.

I'm a woman in my thirties and I still remember all the ugly things my mom said to me as a teenager. I was very tomboyish. I had a haircut shorter than a pixie cut. I wore oversized clothes because I didn't like form fitted clothes. My mom would would tell me I was ugly, I looked like a bag lady. My haircut makes me look like Frankenstein. No boys want to date a girl who looks like a boy. She would say that to me with so much anger and would say it out if the blue. So I just started saying to her " if you don't like the way I look then don't look at me".

“Don’t make them fear their own bodies” -beautifully said 💖

As an early bloomer, I definitely internalised the 'girls mature faster' and there was definitely a point where I took an interest in older men because boys my age were too immature. I never pursued it (cause turns out I'm ace), but relationships with other guys were definitely something I at least considered at some point or another. In hindsight, it's horrifying how easily I could have been taken advantage of if I'd had anything beyond a superficial interest

What I remember as being the most horrible was the junior high years- grades 6-8. The boys were so confused (I realize now) and we’re sexually abusive verbally (at least), and no adults intervened or admonished them. I was wildly glad I wasn’t busty as any girlfriends I had who were were always labeled “whores” at 12 years old and in some cases I later found out were sexually abused by ‘uncles’ and such. This was so many years ago. I’m 64. It’s awful to see that in some ways so little has changed. But work like these videos can only help. We need to talk to each other.❤

My father once said to me “Your future boyfriend is at uni right now” in a joking manner when I was 8 ☠️

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

🤢🤢🤢🤢

@JayBeMeee

10 ай бұрын

That's so disgusting 🤮 I hope you're all right and (possibly) away from him💕

@chrystianaw8256

7 ай бұрын

😳🤢

Thank you for even briefly talking about how parents treat young children based on gender. It's alarming how few sources even actually define how children of different genders are treated differently and how that effects their development and literally is the foundation of gender roles. I find it especially alarming when people are actually trying to raise their children as gender neutral these days.

I’m the older sister of a brother. The first time I ironed clothes I was 5 (I don’t know if my brother has ever ironed clothes in his life so far. He is 21 now). My mom also screamed at me if some dishes related things hadn’t been done after she returned from work. My brother left his dirty plates and candy wrappers around the house without even bringing it to the kitchen until he moved out for college. My mother was annoyed at him, but still screamed at me for not doing chores I wasn’t aware I had to do (like an inherent expectation that I should do it without being told)

@ahleenah

9 ай бұрын

Ah! I almost forgot that I’m always the one who get’s told to hang up the laundry, even after I long moved out and was just visiting over the weekend. My mother asked my brother a handful of times, but then stopped because, in her words “You are better at it than him”. Well naturally I am, I have been helping you hang your panties up on a hanger since I could reach that damn thing

I remember my dad's astonishment when we were home alone and he asked me how to use the washing machine, which at the time I didn't know. He's a good man but you can definitely tell that he was brought up with strict gender roles which he never questioned. I remember the women at family gatherings being in the kitchen adding some finishing touches to the very elaborate meals while the guys always hung out in the living room. I was always mad about it when I was younger, but I guess at some point I just gave up and conformed. Now I'm finding myself a little stuck in the gender roles, which I generally have no problem with except for how unbalanced it started to be once children got thrown into the mix. My own mom says that I need to expect more from my husband and I know that she's right. He's a good man, but quite oblivious just like my dad apparently used to be and so history repeats itself. Right now my daughters are young, but it just occurred to me that unless things change soon they'll probably end up with the same relationship dynamic later on.

To all the people that shared their stories 💘🫂🍵

I was the youngest (girl) and had one brother 6 years older than me. I was expected to be the mature one, to not respond when he hit and berated me. My mom just never believed he did anything bad to me because it was easier that way. If I’m just lying then she doesn’t have to discipline my brother.

The gender disparity in schools was so real!! For context, I'm AFAB and I was considered a "good student" and like not much of a trouble maker throughout school (mainly cause I was shy so I don't talk much in class/interrupt and got decently good grades in elementary school) but, I was very easily distracted, something which was never caught since I was conditioned to "not make a fuss". I was always sat next to the loud or disruptive boys in my classes and expected to watch them and deter them from speaking or interrupting. All this ended up doing was distracting me!! I remember getting in trouble for having to clarify things or missing things in class because of being distracted by my seat mates.

I kind of had the opposite problem as a late bloomer. Friends were wearing real bras and dating boys, but I wasn’t ready for that yet, so I felt left out.

@caitlingill

10 ай бұрын

It’s funny because at 13/14 I was an A cup and felt so insecure about it, then from 16-18 my boobs changed from an A to D cup. Also I still haven’t dated yet and I’m 19, I’ve been wanting to date from age 17 but I haven’t found anyone, and beforehand I wanted to stay single to develop my fashion-style and personality so a romantic partner wouldn’t try to influence or change me

@lemsip207

10 ай бұрын

​​​@@caitlingillI wasn't a C cup until I was 17 but then went thinner and back down to a B cup. In my mid 30s to early 40s I was wearing a B cup when I needed a C cup at times. The B cup flattened my chest somewhat. I really needed two cup sizes for different times of the month.

@kitcat2449

10 ай бұрын

Same, but I did have my puberty quite early. I was just (and still am) painfully asexual so I didn't understand what all the fuss was about.

I'm afab and in high school I got a dress code violation warning and had to wear an oversized cardigan from a teacher for the rest of a hot summer day for wearing a shirt that I had worn to school periodically for the past 3 years. The only difference was that now my chest was bigger than it was when I was fourteen. A flat-chested girl classmate of mine was allowed to wear shirts with plunging necklines. I didn't wear that shirt to school again and ended up getting rid of it (despite it previously being one of my favorites) because I felt so ashamed of my body in it. When I started dressing more masculine, I got comments about how I used to dress so prettily and why don't I do that anymore? I also got tons of comments about how I was "so mature for my age" from the age of 8 to 18. It took years to get to a place where I'm neutral about my body, just wear what makes me happy (I'm very enby) and no longer live in fear of being sexualized. Great video! This is such an important topic and you covered it so well!

I grew up in a very large family that was very matriarchal, but had it's issues. My childhood was tumultuous and I was raised by various members to include grandma, aunt, uncle and eventually my mom. Some of their views were misogynistic, but most of the women I was raised by had to do a lot for themselves. As a result, I never thought twice about having to take on tasks that were deemed masculine by society. I didn't have a standard childhood, having witnessed alcohol, drug abuse, and later DV. So I didn't necessarily feel a specific point in which I had to "grow up" or mature. With regards to dressing a certain way, there was pressure from my family placed on everyone, as a result of the elders having been raised by Mexican immigrants during a time when they were forced to assimilate and lose their language, or face deportation regardless of citizenship. Most of the pressure that was gendered came from school and my peers. It took until around 13 for me to finally "try" to fulfill a more mature role. I developed a bit earlier than a lot of my peers and as a result I'd get in trouble at school for things like my hoodie sliding a half an inch away from where it normally sat, to expose my top strap. Or a sliver of midriff showing when I stood up in a class where my cousin of the same age was a student teacher assistant and wore midriff baring tops everyday. As a parent now, I try to be for my kids what I didn't have and what would have actually helped me growing up. I let them be their own people. They're all tweens and older and I try to not force maturity or adulthood on them, although I'm not perfect and did put more pressure on my oldest (she's almost 5 years older and I had her when I was 16). I feel awful for having expected more of her when she was the age of the younger two and let go of that pressure on her years ago. I was also an older sibling who was tasked with babysitting my younger sister while my mom worked. Overall, it is a multifaceted issue and we can only try to learn from our past experiences to make things better moving forward.

I resonate with all of this so much. Recently I've been asking myself why I'm scared to dress in styles I like and do activities I've always wanted to (obsessed with burlesque and everything spooky). I think it comes down to having always been nervous about my parents seeing it and making a comment about it. I was scared to ask to go to concerts, to get a tattoo (I'm Jewish and my parents had an easy guilt trip with that one), get non-lobe piercings, and wear anything with polka dots on it because my mom told me "boys don't like polka dots". Now I'm nearing my 30's and feel too old to wear a lot of the things I wanted to and it makes me sad. I know nothing's stopping me and yet... it just feels too wrong to follow through. I always stood up every time a teacher asked for a strong young man to lift chairs. I would shut my mouth when guys got credit for the work I did on a project and the teacher thought I didn't do my part. I built all the legos my brother got as presents and I still wasn't ever given any of my own. I yelled at my dad for not ever clearing the table. I reveled in the rare moments my coaches let me compete with/against boys. All of the stories I wrote were hate to love because I was told time and time again that boys bullied me because they liked me. It's outrageous. I wanted to be like boys, but I also didn't want anyone to associate me with being masculine (unless it was in a way that fulfilled my nlog ideologies). I was proud to say how horrible I'd be as a housewife because couldn't (at the time) cool and I was too much of a slob to clean. I could wear uniform skirts in middle school, but not high school because "there were stairs". (There were stairs at the middle school too...) I had to be a lady, more mature than my brother. Blamed for every fight because I used my nails to defend myself and he left no visible marks on me. I love all of the music and movies and books my dad does and I'm so much like him, but he always connected with my brother more and only sometimes talked to me about music. All of this just because I had the audacity to be born with a vagina.

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

Your account of girl/womanhood is so so relatable. You encapsulated it so well.

@rachaelmarks2170

10 ай бұрын

@@pinklov4447 Thank you. That’s both so heartening and sad to hear. In one regard, knowing it’s not only my experience is uplifting in a strange way, but in the more obvious way I hate to know that that means other people had to/have to deal with it too. I’m so glad these issues are actually being addressed. Girls need to know that they don’t have to behave for men or live their lives catering to patriarchal bs. And they shouldn’t be punished for ignoring those expectations. All these pressures and ideologies do is make the world harder for everyone to live in. (Also I adore Kuromi

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

@@rachaelmarks2170 You honestly seem like such an amazing woman

@rachaelmarks2170

10 ай бұрын

@@pinklov4447 awww, I really can’t say how much I appreciate you saying that. You truly seem amazing yourself. There really is something so special about the shared connection of sharing stories and lifting each other up. There’s so much to be upset about, but it feels better to be upset about it with someone than without.

@pinklov4447

10 ай бұрын

@@rachaelmarks2170 im glad ive helped u feel somewhat uplifted with all this

I'm 16, turning 17 in October and I didn't even realize how many things in this video applied to me. In my sophomore year of high school I appeared as more 'tomboy-ish', and nothing ever happened to me in terms of people saying I'm dressing too 'mature' or whatever. In my junior year, I started dressing more feminine, wearing tighter shirts, etc. and this seemed to piss off my dad a lot! He would always tell me after picking me up from school that "I need to cover up more" or "I need to wear a jacket over my shirt," etc. And the one time he picked me up from school and I was wearing a big shirt and sweatpants he said something along the lines of "Yes, this is so much better, you should dress like this everyday", and I didn't think much about it until I watched this video. I think the thing about the chores was really interesting, because there are times where my younger brother wouldn't want to do his chore (take out the garbage) correctly, and I would have to go back and pick up the slack for his poor job just so my mom doesn't scream about how 'dirty the house is.' I have an older sister and I did realize that she was doing a lot of work when it came to the house, so I started picking up chores like washing the tub on top of my chores just to help her out because it was a lot for her.

I was an A student in elementary and early middle school and was made to sit with "troublemaker" boys a couple times, but the time I remember clearly was when our literature/homeroom teacher made *me* change my seat to the one in the back, so I could sit with a boy who bullied me and said mean things about me all the time along with a pretty big group of other boys, who would hang out near me on every break and say stuff about me when I was literally sitting there, pretending to be on my phone and hearing everything.

@Passions5555

10 ай бұрын

Why?

@snowicorn

10 ай бұрын

@@Passions5555 Because that boy was talking over the teacher and said something that offended her (I don't remember what though), so she got mad and told me to sit with him to "keep him in check"

@Passions5555

10 ай бұрын

@snowicorn what wer you supposed to do to keep him in check? Teachers like that man...

@snowicorn

10 ай бұрын

@@Passions5555 I have no idea what she wanted me to do. Probably just sit there and somehow influence him, but that definitely didn't work XD

It sucked so bad being the oldest and having to take care of my autistic brother. My mom always says “but you did it yourself!” No. I did not CHOOSE to mother him and walk him home from school every day, to have to stay home and watch and care for him instead of seeing my friends at their houses. I did not choose to lose out on so much of my childhood and teen years having fun because I “wanted” to take care of my brother. I had to because my dad was dead and my mom was in college and no other family wanted to help. They all left the 13-17 year old girl do it all.

@BubbleBunnyy

10 ай бұрын

Sucks I didn’t get to participate in your survey.

As a middle child, I can concur how true this is and this is why I am an adult child of a dysfunctional household. My oldest sister had more pressures on her and I always felt like my sister acted more like my second mom when she shouldn't have...

Random for dressing girly.. but for black women, you can’t dress too girly or you’ll get told you’re trying to be white. And it’s like that for many styles or aesthetics.

@amazinggrapes3045

4 ай бұрын

Such a rude & racist thing for people to say 😔

Yup, I'm a trans man and can relate to growing up with these sorts of expectations. I was told I was mature for my age. I was the eldest and got the brunt of the blame even when my siblings were doing something they weren't supposed to. I got catcalled from like 10 years old. My parents told me difficult things and told me not to tell my siblings because I was more mature and they needed my help. I burnt out under the pressure and got into a lot of fights with my parents at around 10 years old and again in my teens. I got told I was lazy, ungrateful, and too sensitive. And even with all the responsibility, I never got much freedom. There are multiple overlapping facets to this, because my parents were more abusive than the level of abuse that's normalized in the society I grew up in. Most of my AFAB friends weren't expected to wash and fold the laundry for the whole house when they were 8. It was rarer for them to be punished for expressing anger when someone wronged them. But they still got a lot of the same shit in terms of expectations of maturity and agreeableness. And I did have some friends from very similarly abusive households that I probably bonded with so well because of the shared experience. I'm sorry you went through this bullshit, and I hope you're able to take that pressure off so you can just be. 🫂 if you want one. Thanks for making a thoughtful video that boils the subject down really well.

My parents didnt raise me like majority of the girls and i wasnt charged with "girl chores" bcuz of my illness. (I used have heavy asthma attacks when i was little.) So i was a carefree child bcuz all i need to do is taking my medication properly. A lot of people were telling me that i was behaving just like a boy. My male classmates were calling me weird. Female classmates were calling me childish and some of them actually trying to protect me because i was so immature and i might get hurt. Teachers were being harsh to me(It would stop after a few lessons tho. Bcuz i was a smart children.) A few years later my asthma finally cured. Suddenly my family started to critisize me harshly for not being a lady. They critisize me for every small thing. Now they raise my brother just like how they raised me when i was ill. Only difference is he isnt ill or anything. And probably he wont get any critisize just like i get.

I always hated that teachers would say he is bullying you because he likes you. I've even heard adult women say that to me while I'm now an adult. It's like, no, if a guy is being rude to me he's an asshole and why should we put up with that?

i was always that girl that volunteered to move chairs and whatnot in classes but teachers always ignored my raised hand well, the joke is on them, i was equipment manager for our orchestra in high school and i moved so much heavy equipment, furniture, and instruments that nobody else was willing (or able) to move and i'm damn proud of it too ALSO UGH the "shame train" the sexual harrassment and "jokes" started when i was 12 and i'm only realizing in hindsight how messed up that is

I barely see anything catered towards tweens anymore. Like when I was in the pre-teen/tween age there were stores I could go to where I could find age appropriate clothing that wasn't in the little kids section and not too grown up. My sister is on the smaller side and has aged out of little kids clothing (she's 12, in grade 7) but it just goes straight to juniors after that which is filled with things that don't fit or are not age appropriate.

@darkworldkrisdreemurr

10 ай бұрын

I’m 15 and this is still a problem. I mostly just wear t shirts now

@neigeepierrot4694

10 ай бұрын

I’m sorry to hear that since I went through something similar and it made shopping offal

@neigeepierrot4694

10 ай бұрын

Maybe find things she likes and tailor them

Being from Brazil, something that hurts me a lot is the culture around women here. We have a biiiiig hook up culture, underage drinking and drugs, parties, kissing around, sex with no feelings, all this from a very young age (I'd say an average of like 14 but I know people who were around this stuff at only 11 so...). The "good" thing is that it's pretty equal for men and women in that everyone goes out to party and does this, but I feel like even though it's normal for both sexes to get around, women get more shamed, especially by women, or called "easy" and sexualized more than men (but yk, expected). The biggest problem to me is that I've always been pretty childish, I'm still young but it's not normal anymore to like plushies, or playing with dolls and stuff that I still do sometimes, as well as me being demisexual. So both this emotional (in interests) and sexual maturity never really got me, maybe because my parents are pretty conservative as well, so I never got exposed much to this world of parties and drugs which some of my friends did. Not really sure if I'm grateful for this protection from my parents cause I got to not mature as quickly as some of my friends, or if I'm a bit mad at them because I feel so excluded and left out from my friends and overall culture now, but yeah that's my rant thanks for listening

I am not sure if I can speak from a trans femme experience but I was sexually assaulted as a child which lead to incontinence issues. I hid it well but at times I could not and everyone acted as if I was a grown up and should have known better to the point I became obsessive over being neat, clean and orderly and at times I'll even scrub my back so hard I leave bleeding gashes. Honestly I'm glad I'm doing better. I am quiet paranoid and don't share much online because I'm afraid someone I know will see my comment and recognise me but this needed to be said especially since now that I'm transitioning I'm treated a bit better

My parents were quite relaxed with that, they wanted me to pursue what interested me and always told me that " if a boy hits you, hit him back harder". They didnt have a problem with me being a tomboy, then Goth. But i remember once, i was fourteen and my top was showing a bit of my belly, and my dad violently yanked it down to hide it before we got out. He accidentally exposed my boobs, I told him, yeah it IS better now and got out like that. It was the first and last time hé tried to police my clothes

I'm the youngest son of a fairly large family, and both my parents always had a foot up my ass to make sure I was productive. All of us were expected to contribute since there was a lot of labor needed to keep everything clean and orderly. I didn't learn how to cook until i was around 19 or 20, but I'm glad for all the other stuff I was taught. It feels empowering to be able to take care of myself as an adult

@kitcat2449

10 ай бұрын

That's great! I find it interesting because in Finland that's the norm. Kids, both boys and girls, learn to clean and cook at a very young age, and if parents don't teach them for one reason or another, we have a mandatory home ed class for that. They also teach us basic wood work and sewing. Everyone should definitely have basic life skills, makes a life a lot of easier as an adult. I'm glad you were taught to be independent.

This video takes me back... How as teens we would sometimes change into different outfits at 0 period and meet up in the bathroom to get ready before the school day so friends could do makeup they arent allowed to have at home.

I remember in elementary I sat next to this boy who constantly said shit to me, it eventually evolved to us lightly hitting each other which admittedly wasn’t right. But one day it evolved to him hitting me over the head with a binder and stabbing me in the leg with a pencil, it was the boiling point so I told on him and we both got sent to the principals office where both of us gave testimony of what we and the other has done and our parents where called, or so we where told. When I got picked up later that day my mom talked with me in the car, apparently when I got sent back to class the staff called my mother and told her this half-right narrative of me hitting this boy with no reason and completely left out the fact I was stabbed with a pencil. When I told her my side she was so shocked that the school completely left out what he’s done

At the age of 40 now and I am completely disinterested in having a relationship and truly enjoy being single. I look young, am in great shape and enjoy my lazy days and peace. I cook when I want, clean when I want and do what I want. It's FABULOUS 😊

By the time I was a teenager my mother was constantly working so me and my brother had to work around the house cleaning my childhood was horrible I was basically a people pleaser in my family do to having a drug addict father who at times was volatile and cruel and emotionally and verbally abusive my mother totally enabled his addiction and behavior she didn't care that his behavior was effecting me and my brother I will never forgive her for that even though she no longer talks to him and now completely hates him I was sexually abused when I was 4 to 5 years old I was overweight as a child because of these events I was bullied to the point I gave in to my mother demand and dropped out of school after the 7 grade and my father was in and out of jail throughout my childhood

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry! This sounds horrific. That was really young for you to have been pulled out of school too, I hope that things are better for you now

I have a twin brother. The differences wasn’t in our upbringing until my dad moved out when my parents divorced. Then suddenly I’m my mom’s slave doing so many chores while I was the only kid with extra curriculars and I also took college classes in high school (at a separate building I had to bus to midday and then bus back for after school activities). My adult unemployed brother did nothing, my twin stole the car, crashed it into the garage, smoked weed, skipped classes. He was ignored, and I had my door taken away because I had an attitude because my mom wouldn’t let me see my friends until I did my mountains of chores.

12:12 I like how they used a weasel to symbolize weaponized incompetence. That's what it really is, trying to weasel out of stuff.

Those museum clothing displays always make me tear up, you only showed them for a few seconds but that's all it took for me to start crying again.

My brother was born when I was about 3 and a half years old. I can't remember a time that he wasn't my responsibility. When he did something bad, my parents were mad at ME because "I'm older and wiser and was supposed to watch him". He's 23 now and I was still expected to help him with school stuff and study for his finals, which he thankfully passed earlier this year. Now he got a driver's license and guess who's responsible for taking him out on practice drives? It got even worse when I was 13 and I got a second brother. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits, but because I was old enough to help, I immediately had to become a third parent. I changed his diapers, fed him, went for walks with him in a stroller. I was the one who rocked him in my arms to sleep every evening. Every summer, I didn't really have a holiday because I was busy being a nanny for my two brothers. I guess it partially serves me right for still living with my parents at 26 like the stereotypical millennial, but I need a stable job before I spend so much money on moving and rent. Hopefully that will happen soon.

In my elementary school, there was a group of boys that made a habit of looking up girls skirts/dresses on the playground. The school’s solution? Ban skirts and dresses on the swings/monkey bars. Never really addressed the group, just if you wanted to wear a skirt or dress, you couldn’t play on those items. 🤷‍♀️

i was very parentified as a kid. im the middle child. my older brother is trans, so he was raised as though he was a girl, but because he had significant health issues as i child, i had to step up and take on the oldest child role. then my parents both became disabled, and at that point i had to take on even more responsibilities. one year when i was about 12, I had to pay for easter for my siblings with my birthday money because my parents couldnt afford it (they did pay me back after they got their disability checks the next month).

This was such a great video and I agree with everything you said. I would even like to add that raising girls in a mindset that we *have to* share, give up or not ask for things we have/want from a young age is also still prevalent and harmful, in my opinion. In my experience AFAB people tend to get shamed more if we don't want to share our bag of candy, food, whatever, we want stuff for ourselves or just in general ask for things, like "don't be needy" and similar comments. It's also supposed to be a marker of maturity that when your brother finishes his candies faster than you but wants more, it's implied that you're obliged to share yours out of kindness, while his candy is strictly his. It sends the wrong message when internalized and opens AFAB people up to a world of hurt later in relationships if they happen upon a grown version of one of these men... I've been there, done that, and I'm pretty sure my experience is not unique in any way, shape of form.

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

the whole "don't be selfish" thing in theory is good, because teaching all kids that sharing resources is great! However the skew falling onto one gender? Not good. All kids should be taught about sharing and asking for what they want - and if they can't be supplied with what they want, just explaining that to them (whether it's that something is too expensive etc - and that whilst other kids may have that, their parents have more money so that's why, but that doesn't mean your caregiver loves you any less)

When I turned 18, I didn’t feel like I was mature enough for my age. I felt embarrassed that I still liked plushies and fairies and stuff like that. Having watched this vid, it’s made me think I felt that Shane as a result of this “girls should be mature” culture that exists. Because even though my parents never put pressure on me to manage the household or become mature, I always felt like I was an exception for not having to become entirely independent and self sufficient at that point in my life.

It's both extremely validating and incredibly saddening to hear that so many other women experienced this growing up. The eldest daughter part really stood out to me since it's my own experience as well. I did literally ALL of the housework, and once I reached age 12 or so, my parents stopped sending me to summer camp and instead left me at home alone with a long list of housework to get done before they came back. My brother continued to get sent to camp to socialize and have fun. I was also responsible for caring for my little brother, and anything he did wrong was my fault because I "wasn't setting a good example" for him. The parentification got so much worse after my parents divorced. I remember feeling guilty for my mom's mistakes because I felt I should've stepped in and corrected them. I learned to cook partially from making meals for my brother because our parents no longer did. Being so young, he didn't understand why I was the one mothering him, and tended to misbehave more and fight me when I tried to discipline him by verbally correcting the behavior and instructing him on the appropriate way to act. He was also incredibly anxious, and began showing symptoms of OCD / compulsive behaviors at a very young age. I guess I'm sharing my story to say that this idea of girls maturing faster and needing to take on adult roles isn't just harmful to women. It also hurts their siblings of other genders. Every child needs the opportunity to just be a kid. Pushing adult burdens onto them has disastrous consequences.

thank you so so so so so much for making this video and talking about this. I am an eldest daughter with two younger brothers. my younger brothers were not assigned chores, at all. they didnt have to do anything for the house whatsoever, while I had the responsibility of every chore. I had to cook and wash dishes with my mother while they played. I had to help them with homework. I was responsible for them since they were born when I was 2. I basically raised them when my mother left to go to work and later school. I have so much resentment. I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually talk about this in depth and its so fucking validating. I should have been able to have a childhood. I deserved to have a childhood.

My parents were really good about dividing the chores equally or by inclination, but my dad gave me serious body dysmorphia issues that my brother never got.

@Passions5555

10 ай бұрын

That's awful. Your own Dad shamed your body.

Thank you for making this video, being aware of this happening is really important. I once told my mom about how 2 older teen guys started making sexual comments about my looks. She said it's because I was wearing makeup and that they got me confused for an older girl. As if its my fault. We should stop putting all the blame on the victim. I wish the best for everybody that also experience this shit.

I could relate to this so much. I was the youngest with an older brother & my parents didn't want me to grow up or become a woman. They criticized how I dressed if they thought it was too revealing (although I was a child and didn't even think of it that way). I changed my clothes at school & put makeup on school, & took it off before going home. It was partially being in a traditional, strict family, but also I was made hyper aware of the male gaze from a young age. My mom & brother would tell me what guys like, like how they liked it when girls were more "natural" & didn't wear makeup to which I said "I don't care what guys like." I'm in my 30s now, & my family & I have made peace & learned to understand one another's points of view. I understand they were very worried about me & didn't want me to get into trouble (which actually, I got into a lot of trouble b/c I was so naive, sheltered, & unprepared for how cruel the outside world can be)..

As a trans woman I've been struggling over the loss of a girlhood that I was never aloud, this video helped me as I see lots of people morn a childhood that was denied from them for various reasons x I hope we can all find à form of catharsis in conforting somehow our inner child (me It's dressing really fem and listening to the spice girls/ lilly allen 🧜‍♀️)

@queerantine69

10 ай бұрын

Lilly Allen is a vibe

@a5240

10 ай бұрын

You probably did not have "Girlhood" Because your not a girl lol XD

It was going on in the 70s as well. It was frustrating as I would be told that ballet and Girl Guides were too young for me at 14. At 17 I was told that board games and card games too childish for girls but not for boys. With these and other things considered too young it pushed prematurely into the sex, drugs and rick and roll lifestyle.

I relate with this so much! Especially the modesty stuff. I had very large breasts and was often told as a teenager that all the men were thinking of me in a sexual way and that was my fault.

To this day my mom still tells me to close my legs when I wear a skirt or a dress. I hate it so much it makes me so uncomfortable

@BryonyClaire

10 ай бұрын

"you have to be ladylike and decent" ugh.

@atlas4732

10 ай бұрын

I vividly recall having a picture taken of me and my adopted dad when I was 14, he leaned in and whispered to me “close your legs, it’s not very ladylike”…Do people not realize how disgusting that sounds to say to someone, especially a child? I was just wearing pants, and I felt self conscious. I’m an androgynous person that opens my legs “like a man” when I sit, It’s just what’s comfortable for me.

@cmm5542

10 ай бұрын

And it doesn't make you uncomfortable to actually expose yourself? That's just - weird. Why do so many people think it's 'disgusting' for anyone to notice you possess sexuality, and yet feel compelled to show it off? Sexuality exists. It's not shameful for people to be aware of it. Why do you expect people to just pretend you don't have sexuality to make you more comfortable? You DO have it. If you are ashamed of it (you shouldn't be, of course) than naturally you would want to hide it. But if you're NOT ashamed of it and want to display it, how can you simultaneously feel uncomfortable with someone calling attention to something you don't want to hide anyway? Makes 0 sense.