Narcissists will use every trick in the book to get you to do what they want. Which of course, is to abandon yourself and cater to them.

@allthingsjana7870

Ай бұрын

Yes, mine just demanded he wanted a 'submissive woman'. I then realised that translated to somebody that shuts up and put up. Someone that question nothing. Sick sick sick people.

Waking up from narcissistic abuse is like waking up from a nightmare, except the nightmare was actually real.

@deanreinerart8764

Ай бұрын

I fell into a dream with my narc but woke up in a living nightmare. I frame what I thought was my “relationship” as a dream BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER REAL. Now I’m totally stuck in this waking living nightmare and there is NO WAY OUT. I can’t leave. No place to go and no way to get there. She’s got me in a completely closed system and used emotional blackmail to do it.

@michelleblaisdell3428

Ай бұрын

100% agree. I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare. 3 kids, no job, have to find a new place for 4 people asap!! And get job after 8 years of having the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I am so scared and feel small. I lost myself. This information is so valuable; I finally feel like I am not totally alone and losing my mind.

@deanreinerart8764

Ай бұрын

@@michelleblaisdell3428 I know! How the heck are we supposed to do that?! The housing and job markets are almost totally unapproachable these days post-covid. The landscape is completely different now. Starting over anywhere anyhow requires a TON of capitol both spiritually and financially and many of us have been so isolated and stripped bare that the idea of running and beginning anew is perhaps even more terrifying than sticking it out…. There’s no winning there either it seems.

@shellysawchuk1190

Ай бұрын

The strange part is you wakeup then months down the road you have someone tell you it really wasn't that bad.. no it was worse

@lindac6919

Ай бұрын

And waking up doesn't stop the nightmare.

THEY create their problems, then demand that YOU fix them. Otherwise YOU are a bad person. Think about that for a minute.

@amarbyrd2520

Ай бұрын

The worst part is that almost everyone in the wider environment -- family, yes, but MANY, MANY more people than that -- will bully you relentlessly if you don't capitulate. Even if you try to push back - YOU will be labeled the "difficult, terrible" person, even by some therapists

@bm1943

Ай бұрын

Agreed

@kriswinters4225

Ай бұрын

Perfectly said

@kriswinters4225

Ай бұрын

​@@amarbyrd2520yes, enablers are the worst

@theunitedof

5 күн бұрын

I have a 93 male client who is like this. After knowing her more, finally I can see why his daughter does not want to speak to him. I even try do distance myself from him and thinking to find another job. Whenever I came to work with him, I couldn't sleep at night because he gave me anxiety. He is nosy. He would use a little bit information he knew to cons to constantly blackmail me and put me on defense to defend people in my life or to correct things/words I nevers said. He often puts words in my mouth. He wanted me to hate everyone else and only like him. But it doesn't work like that. It makes me want to stay far away from him and it makes me not want to do this job anymore.

They think that you're naive and stupid and that they can easily fool you. That's what they really think about you.

All gifts and favors (even the smallest) from a Narc are not for the receiver, they are for themselves to use as future collateral. They remember EVERYTHING "nice" they ever did for you.

@LJH662

Ай бұрын

Transactional love

@happyday3368

Ай бұрын

100% - everything they do for you has strings attached. Even if they extend an invite and you decline, the fact that they even asked you, in their mind, they think that gives them open access to your entire life. It's SO crazy and intrusive.

@heatherh5639

Ай бұрын

..and conveniently forget the abusive words or behaviour. My stb vulnerable narcissist ex claimed to be getting Alzheimer's. 🙄

The magic sentence Dr Ramani said “ you have to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable “ that was my biggest problem for many many years . I now much rather be uncomfortable 😣 than in a toxic abusive realationship . Slowly you become desensitised to being uncomfortable, but NEVER to being ABUSED. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

@marikeherminesophia

Ай бұрын

🎯

@springBloomsinAwe

Ай бұрын

💯

@LSMH528Hz

Ай бұрын

"Your comfort zone will kill you" (some quote I read somewhere).

You have told it all with the story of the swan that carried the scorpion on her back to the other side of the river. The swan will always be stung, she will always be killed if she doesn't throw off the scorpion. I did! I threw my scorpion off and now i'm happily swimming in the river and my scorpion is struggeling to stay above water. I hear him crying and screaming for help but i"m not interested anymore

@joeythebushkangaroo1

Ай бұрын

Thank you, I kept hearing about the Swan & the scorpion but didn't know how it went...it all makes sense now.

The sickest part is when children are involved and being used

@avibhagan

Ай бұрын

Welcome to my hell.

@HalcyonxTeatree

Ай бұрын

@@avibhagan *hug*

@nisc1091

Ай бұрын

Exactly, my kids father keeps telling me I want to take the easy way out in front of them, or I am only thinking about myself and not the kids...

@sadiamufti8890

Ай бұрын

Oh I am dealing with that now. And it is so painful to see the kids being affected by this situation.

@camilledunsford2632

Ай бұрын

My ex manipulated my daughter so badly by silent treatment. She would feel so sorry for the bastard.

Yup …. In and out behaviors , verbal abuse , emotional abuse ….anything and everything to have CONTROL .

@allthingsjana7870

Ай бұрын

That's my ex narc

I am a generous person. This kind of treatment plays off my generosity more than my empathy. I finally realized that my ex was treating me like his parent rather than his partner.

“Coercive control” seems a more general term than blackmail.

@aubreyj.tennant1123

Ай бұрын

Totally agree!

@macnchessplz

Ай бұрын

They use that too but Emotional Blackmail is used to induce guilt over not doing,saying or being what they want. The sad aspect is- it usually ends up with more divisions,resentment and fractures in any relationship,instead of what they’re after.

@ArchAngel435

Ай бұрын

​@@macnchessplzand what they're after is ideal love/relationship. They don't even know what it means, what it entails

@macnchessplz

Ай бұрын

@@ArchAngel435 in the context of romantic relationship? Maybe. Only experience,what they want is control. To know all (even if it’s not their business) and the word Yes said to whatever it is they want you to do regardless of limitations. There in something wrong with people who believe they are entitled at near total or total control of another human being,their agency,their life. Especially if they e Percy submission and acceptance to that type of dynamic. Coercive Control is all about…control.

I've always looked at this as the narcissist holding themselves hostage. In the sense of "If you don't do what I want, I'm going to be very very sad."

Doctor Ramani, thank you so much for always bringing clarity and healing to us. I've seen this wicked behavior before. Empaths are often injured by these people.

Thank you Dr. Ramani for doing your part of shedding light on The Dark (the toxic people that are narcissists.) I know these people are wounded/traumatized themselves but their behavior is pure, downright Evil. You are providing emotional literacy to millions. Narcissist Awareness Grief is real.

What they have on you is your own tendency to feel shame. They expect you to incriminate yourself in your own eyes if you do not serve them.

@ArchAngel435

Ай бұрын

Shame is what kept me stuck in the marriage long after the relationship had expired. Even now months after the reverse discard, the chickens are coming home to roost.

For me it was a choice of life or death. I had to RUN so I had a plane ticket and a family member to pick me up 2500 miles away. For the next weeks and months, I worked daily on healing, finding a home, therapy, a job, growing a new life with a clean canvas. If you feel completely stuck, I'm so sorry for you. Stay alert to any possible path to a safe place. Life is easier to navigate when you're not being abused. Life changes constantly.

I get it. Also, when a narcissist will continue to bring up their former spouse because they know it makes you feel insecure or not as valuable. The 'blackmail' comes when that action hurts you and you feel pushed into a verbal encounter. Best NOT to go there!

@macnchessplz

Ай бұрын

That’s triangulation.Been there- compared and all.If I had it to do over?I would’ve responded to it. At the time,I didn’t know what triangulation was or why it’s used. It’s best to see it for what it is and have no response (response and reaction is what is wanted then they can demonize you for the response/reaction).

"You're breaking your mom's heart" I'm breaking my own too, it's better than being the emotional punching bag for a 70 year old child, my gods does he still know how to push my buttons though.

@mememefinally

17 күн бұрын

Something I have been told many times by my partner: "You have broken my heart" . The advice "Get comfortable about being uncomfortable" is very good. It is against my every instinct to not help someone vulnerable so it is extremely hard to say no, even when I know I am being used or manipulated.

I dont miss the chronic manipulation during hovering, the lies, financial deceit, the physical and emotional violence , the future faking Just blessed that i found the courage to get legal assistance to exit that toxic entanglement It took me decades to finally file for divorce I have the luxury of no contact now and life is peaceful Would never have made it without the guidance of you DrRamini and this community The daily videos and members comments are a great support and a daily reminder "Its not you" Thank you

@carolgonzales4262

Ай бұрын

I wish I knew what my nex was so early on! 50 yrs later I am free. 6 yrs free at 67. It started from day one. Ended after a lifetime.

This explains my whole family in a nutshell. They’ve all pulled BS over the years. Now I’m broke, and had a stroke, and am unsure what MY future is. If only I saw Dr. Ramani’s videos decades earlier….

@sadiamufti8890

Ай бұрын

Me too 😢

My sister told my nephews that she would kill herself if they ever left her and one is autistic. Doesn’t get much worse than that.

Being a survivor…. Lots of takeaways here feeling like the “victim” stage. I was never physically abused, mostly was emotional blackmail. Thank you Doc for the validation that we WERE a victim. I’ve chosen to be a survivor.

@suzanne4396

Ай бұрын

I realized 5 years in that I wasn't his " victim," so much as his Prey. He's a predator and always will be. But I have a safety force field around me now, ( I left after ten years,) and Anyone's (!!!) toxicity just bounces off of it and rebounds right back onto them. 🤣🤣😈😈😈

It is true. Emotional blackmail is part of a narcissistic relationship. Once we see what’s going on, we need to act wisely. There is a rule that you don’t negotiate with a terrorist and we must keep that in mind and apply it otherwise we will be held hostage by the narcissist. Thank you for great advice dr Ramani 😊❤

My parents tried so hard to control the family with their money and "guilt trips". It only works for so long.

@SpikeLover1863

Ай бұрын

I booted my narc mother out of my life. She's so spiteful I'm certain that she's cut me out of her will. But I give zero F's. NO amount of money is worth putting up with her abuse.

@Byebandit50

Ай бұрын

My mother is retired and broke as hell trying to hold a will over my head lol jokes on her

@SpikeLover1863

Ай бұрын

@@Byebandit50 - good for you! The narcs can take their manipulation and shove it!

Honestly, I used to confide some my personal issues with my mother with the understanding that she was my my mother, and I could trust her completely. I unfortunately learned that the minute I didn't "fit the mold" she wanted me to, or dare venture outside of her control, she actually threatened to tell everyone in the family (including extended family) about the things I confided to her about. It's soul crushing.

@kamille8872

Ай бұрын

However, becoming comfortable with the discomfort is truly liberating and I stand by it. ❤

Years before there was KZread I read a book called Emotional Blackmail that read like my life story…until I found out about Narcissistic Abuse. The manipulation of EB is just part of the whole story. Thank you for pointing out the differences.

Thank you, Dr. Ramini. Healing from growing with a narc mom takes a lifetime. Watching your video and learning from you is so helpful. Your wisdom is godsend.

Mom exhibited this during her alcolism years. I'm 56 now, but as a child, I didn't know the actual term for her behavior, I just knew it was not good, her behavior never felt right to me. Her love was very conditional, chaotic, split-personality, violent, menacing, and questionable at times. The enabler was my Dad. She was able to get away with anything bad she did. He was the definition of a good guy, but passive to his wife. It quizzed the heck outta me! I said Dad, why don't you take a copy key of my apartment and come in and rest while I go to school. He did just that. He apologized to me when I asked him why did he allow this to go on. He further apologized for mom as well. I said thank you, dad, but Mom has to be accountable for her own actions. He agreed. ❤he died in 2000. I would endure anything I have to go through to see him again. Mom had no right to birth me into her world of anger and abuse. To deny that I was born on Father's Day, by raising me with these words: " Never marry a man like ya daddy..." Mom would say it in front of him. I'm emotional😪🤧

@heymickey4125

Ай бұрын

I had a similar ordeal except nm wasn’t an alcoholic. She’s was bat azz cray cray. Never touched alcohol. I was in elementary school when I knew something wasn’t right. Guess who became the alcoholic? I drank for 40 years and stopped 6 months after she died. I miss my poppy too. 😢

@jbirdie30

Ай бұрын

My daddy was also an angel. He tried to give my mom and us girls everything, worked until the day he could no longer. Mom never appreciated him, until he was gone. But I think she only missed him because she didn't have anybody captive anymore to do her bidding and take her abuse. RIP to the sweet dads. ❤

She is the best. So clear and lucid

“If you leave (because I cheated on you), my therapist says I have to be committed” 14 years of self harm threats, SA and physically intimidation is still something I struggle to heal from. I wanted desperately to be a good wife and mother and every threat made me feel like I was failing him/our family. Because he is a public figure, there was also the added anxiety and that if he harmed himself I would have a backlash from his followers…. Becoming comfortable with the discomfort when the person is threatening self harm is extremely loaded. He accused me of abandoning him in a “medical crisis” refers to me as his abuser lol I tried desperately to get help until I was so overwhelmed i didn’t recognize myself.

@anthonystevens-gm6uh

Ай бұрын

I’m so sorry you experienced this. That is horrendous. Mine talked about wanting to die whenever I stood up for myself but it was always indirect so it took me a really long time to realize the two were connected. The self doubt when everyone (or seemingly everyone) believes their story is so awful. They are so so so good at “public relations” and in so doing isolating you. It is terrifying to behold.

@sadiamufti8890

Ай бұрын

Hugs😢❤

@SpikeLover1863

Ай бұрын

@@anthonystevens-gm6uh I have no doubt that most of these narcissistic A-holes are capable of playing the role of a street angel and a house devil perfectly. And it's sickening that everyone believes their good guy/good girl act.

Yes! “Your empathy”. My boss messaged me about how it “would be best for her financially speaking to close the doors on the business”. “Losing money just to keep the doors open but doesn’t want to do that to me and the other employee” I think she was totally expecting me to jump in to save the day. i.e. working even harder and doing even more. Who knows but boy it all felt like manipulation.

This one can range from one of their common guilt trips to all out stalking you everywhere and laughing about it because they have connections in legal system thinking they will never be reprimanded for it simply because they know it bothers you.

This is spot on! No Financial discipline yet stay clothed in name brand with labels, accommodation on all extra circular activities for themselves yet beg everyone for help discreetly without being responsible for their breakdown EVER

@sadiamufti8890

Ай бұрын

Story of my narcicisst husband's life.

Let's put this one on loop! For like 24 hours! I'm in! I just got out of a ten year narcissist extortion game! Doc R omg! Thank you for all your help these last 4:years! I also watched really great channels that helped! Like Dr. Les Carter! And Narcdaily, with Andrew! Namaste Andrew! And Narc Chronicles with Coach Jesse!🎉 Valuable information that saved my life! We get to learn so much, as we heal. As we thrive! As we go forward! I'm a living testimony of that, and I'm here to be grateful for all we get to learn!❤ Thank you Dr. Ramini. I could hug you a thousand times for all you help me with! I love your heart, and your wisdom, and I learn so much. Thank you.

"Nerves of steel" takes a long time to develop. Getting there takes steps, and support of your separate loved ones from the narcissist. You're having others who love and care really drives a narcissist crazy. Getting there includes self awareness, and realization you have to preserve yourself. When you say "no more", follow through regardless of the treats, emails (keep them), and remember you know the past and want a future in peace without them. Thank you Doctor

Mindblowing that we even have to deal with this. BTW, you look beautiful, Dr. Ramani.

In my experience, even if you comply with the threat, they will eventually follow through in their harmful intention. Great subject! 💪👍💯

I feel like my mom tends to emotionally blackmail me with manipulating me thru coercive control guilt tripping gaslighting catastrophizing future faking etc… fortunately I have learnt to see through it and not engage. It’s so frustrating though. Not taking it on. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani❤

Now if my husband was listening to this video, he would be nodding his head saying to himself “see she emotionally blackmails me all the time”. The reason he will think this is because I have said to him many times when he says I’m a useless person that I have been a very supportive person and I will tell him when I did this because he always likes specific proof. I don’t tell him because I want something from him, I tell him to support myself as I will not allow him to drag me down to feeling worthless which he does very well. When he’s feeling everything is going his way, he will turn on the kind aren’t I just such a lovable, compassionate human being. NO.

Thank you for bringing this up, narcs are manipulative

Lol....my husband kept trying & failing....constant fighting or silent treatment. So thankful he is my ex cause peace in life is wonderful. Lol....I am not a nice person who gets used & he always resented that

In the end you’ll realize that everything a narc does and doesn’t do for you becomes “blackmail”; in their mind, you are constantly indebted to them just because of WHO they are and the privilege you have with them gracing your life with their presence

When I left my covert narc ex-friend she was *SHAMELESS* in her emotional manipulation to try to suck me back in, inventing a fake cancer scare, pretending to be suicidal then instantly "recovering." Stand firm, people. Helping is best when it's a 2-way street, and there are plenty of GOOD people deserving of our time and energy, including ourselves! 😃😻

@SpikeLover1863

Ай бұрын

omg, the levels these people will stoop to just to suck you back in - it's absolutely disgraceful! Thank goodness you're aware of their manipulation tactics now!

“After everything I’ve done for you!”

I see so much elder abuse by grandchildren. I also see abuse by children dropping off grandchildren to the grandparents. The elderly can't say no. But that started a long time prior. The sooner you say NO the better.

@amarbyrd2520

Ай бұрын

I see more abuse of adult children by their narcissistic PARENTS. I think it's not talked about as much because a lot of adult "chlidren" now of age and being bullied by these abusive parents -- and other family members who don't want the job of caring for those parents -- came up in an time where Dr. Ramani & other practitioners didn't even have this information to give us ... or, as she referenced in the live chat, they were absolutely prevented and prohibited from doing so by the wider cultural environment. 😰🥴❤

Ways my mum has emotionally blackmailed me in the past 3 years (and now almost 1 year of no contact): - silent treatment and passive aggressive silence when I was having fun with my sister at an event - pretending to be poor - pretending to be suicidal - telling me my nan was sick but no details (I didn't rise to the bait) - telling me how much she's done for me and using it against me - playing victim when she's done anything wrong And more 😂

Blackmail is leverage and for them leverage is power- perceived power

My mother has emotional blackmailed for many years she's a strong indian giver

@ArchAngel435

Ай бұрын

59, Indian, I've been giving all my life. Primed me for narc abuse in my 25 yr marriage. Now I'm only giving to my daughters, nobody else since they've been abandoned by their narc father.

It’s different when someone asks for help because they are really having a struggle versus someone wanting it just because and not being a responsibility adult. Folks need to grow up!

They KNOW what they're doing, it IS premeditated. Getting hoovered? It probably corresponds to an event in your life that holds great emotional significance. They Are NOT Entitled to Your Attention About It, Just Because They Were Around For It

My sister is a classic emotional blackmailer, very much a vulnerable/malignant narcissist. She actually devolved to full on extortion when she THOUGHT she had something in the legal realm on me. We'll I wasn't doing anything illegal or shady, so that didn't work, and it was the catalyst for me to go strict no contact for life...

Dr Ramani, you are gifting this whole community with the much needed validaton that we didn’t even know we needed. Thank you for seeing us and showing up like you do. You are a blessing in my life. ❤. Please go buy yourself a purple sparkly dress and go out on the town like the boss that you are!!! You will rock the hell out of it 💜✨💜✨

The term emotional blackmail works for me. Dr. Ramani, you described its mechanics exactly. ❤

Blackmail from a narcissist is based on knowing where your buttons are and knowing how to get under your skin. What they "have on you," the threat is that. Do what I want or I know how to push your buttons and make you feel horrible. In my opinion Good vid. Thanks for the tips and for drying out some of the differences between emotional blackmail in general and in a narcissistic relationship

When I was dealing with my addict ex, I spoke to a counselor with a lot of experience dealing with addicts. She said: "Do NOT make empty threats. Don't say you will leave the relationship/ call their bluff, if you are not prepared to follow through"

Thank you, Doctor Ramini, for helping to define all that we are healing from, and for all of the profoundly helpful and life saving wisdom. So very grateful for you.

I don’t want to fight. Please 🙏

I was working for someone (personal assisting) who expected me to behave as if the constant emotional regulation needed would be normal and part of an ordinary job for someone with physical disability. There is so much narcissistic "bordercrossing" in that working field. My original passion to care and empower seems to be in the wrong place. I finally got that.

Evoking pity for their dead inner child is also something they resort to.

@SnezanaPetrov

Ай бұрын

And only because I told them such a "thing" existed. Now they use it as an excuse. 🤦‍♀️

YEAH! Why on earth would ANYONE want to do that!?????? 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ I mean... it gets you NO WHERE!

They want the reaction. Extended perceived control. Very pathetic and still so very insecure.

@allthingsjana7870

Ай бұрын

Yes mine hoovered and it was all for an ego boost. He loved when I cried - his favourite reaction. So cruel

The Life of Nicole Brown Simpson is on Lifetime channel tv. Just in case anyone is interested. Three of her sisters wanted people to know Nicole before the murder. Thanks Dr. Ramani for videos and books. Just received the books!

Last night was the final straw for me he packed up his things and used my phone to call a cab then I locked him out he spent all night trying to get me to give him more supply but he was playing the whole list of blackmail and I stayed strong

@SpikeLover1863

Ай бұрын

Good for you! Especially not falling for his manipulative crap!

Queen Ramani 👸❤

Thank you for this, dear Dr. Ramani. My brother has emotionally blackmailed me (at some point in your video, it sounded as if you were describing him!). I know what I'm dealing with and your videos and books (and therapy) have helped me so much! But sometimes I still think I could write him an e-mail to help him "be reasonable"... I won't. He is going to use every word against me, twist the facts to guilt trip me once again. Yes, I have to learn to be "comfortable with the uncomfortable". Thank you for your help. I'm not extremely religious, but I think my guardian angel helped me with the timing here (I watch your videos regularly but not every day) This was perfect timing! All the best to you ❤

Thank you. Love you girl

Would weaponizing your traumatic experience to make you feel guilty for not empathizing and supporting the narcissist count as emotional blackmail? To me, blackmailing seems more like a threat than a manipulation.

@R.E.STARS24

Ай бұрын

I would say yes

@allthingsjana7870

Ай бұрын

Yes

Brilliant!!!!! and exactly what I experienced, my narc co-parent does nothing for my son and knows that bc I have empathy I will wind up paying for everything, doing everything, and arranging everything, and she acts like a victim and gets all the sympathy from society... 👍❤❤❤

This is exactly what I needed to hear today! How did you know ? Lol

Small and large scale-there’s a big difference! My Mother…

You mean when they do things like having your 12 year old daughter pick up tools under a full hot water tank that was ready to collapse off of a platform while they look at you and smile? Slander to where people you don't even know set you up and attack you including a family judge that sits their with a grin on his face wanting to adopt your daughter. " My wife just loves her, we will pay for her college and buy her a car, she can see you any time she likes." Further twisting my children's perception of me as if they didn't twist their minds enough. Watching the enabling people around me I have vowed that whether they cooperated with him actively or passively I have no problem watching them OR their seed perish should God set that table before me. ANYONE....

Co-worker who always asked for money. Ughh. CO-WORKERS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!!!

Childhood cognitive development 101. Don't attend or stew on behaviors you don't want to see, easier said than done., and be consistent.. In the end, attending is a reward, and we all just want to be recieved.

My husband told me that I will miss him when he is gone. After all he did buy me a phone. I laughed inside. There is one thing I will miss is that he makes good money, that I’m not aloud to touch and if I do it’s the end of the world.

@allthingsjana7870

Ай бұрын

Yes and they also are not honest about their earnings. Secretive and manipulative.

@user-uz8np4iv8g

Ай бұрын

Are you kidding .... He bought you a phone It's probably got a tracer, so he can check on you! You are worthy of much more, this is NOT a loving, caring or nurturing union. Think about it

Huge thank you dr. Ramani for opening our eyes, you are helping a lot of people. 13 years in this mess, and now my confusion is gone, I clearly see what’s going on, all patterns of behavior match to what you describing. Of course I saw red flags, and like many of us I ignored them for that fake future. I wish I did not. Would be nice to see a video of how to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and minimize harm. I have to stay few more years, if not she will ruin our kids.

Is it possible that some narcs watch Dr. Ramani’s videos and think THEY are the victims of narcissistic abuse?!

Is him repeatedly threatening to divorce me if I don't follow his rules and standards considered emotional blackmail? My ex would do that but never followed through on those threats. I'm the one who eventually said enough was enough and (without threatening it), initiated the divorce. I ask this because he had the financial power in the relationship.

@julesjay424

Ай бұрын

Yes it is. I hope you have a good lawyer, because during the divorce my ex would constantly file motions to drain my retainer. Also if you have young kids, not driving or don’t have cell phones., please make sure your attorney puts it in the divorce decree for the future

I never thought about bringing up that he bought a house or I was a stay at home mom was emotional blackmail. He gave me $2500 for school and states he put me through school. I was not enrolled in college in the early 1900's, so it cost way more!! Thank you for this!

For me, the emotional blackmail came when my sister asked me to babysit at such late notice. I wanted to, but my husband groaned on the phone like he could do without this and even voiced this. So, I messaged my sister saying we could not but that we'd be more than happy to help her out another time after all this was last minute notice. I did get a few replies back from her saying if I didn't, she couldn't go out with her friends. I'm thinking strap on a pair. You haven't got a babysitter look after your kids, but I reply how my husband and I will be more than happy another time to help her out next time as this is late notice because I'm supporting my husband which I thought fair enough, it's last minute and I didn't expect him to go out. She replies with what are you doing then? I know it's a trap because I shouldn't have to explain myself, so I ring my husband saying I know you don't want to go out, but can we just go out for a meal together?" Amazingly, he agrees. So I tell her that it will have to be another time. My sister is now answering saying what time are you going to finish?" (Wanting to know specifics.) You can come over later. I reply, firmly, "I can't, I'll help you out another time." Finally, she stops. It's not long before my Dad gets involved saying, "Can't I cut my sister some slack? She's had this planned for weeks." To which I responded, "then she should have asked weeks ago and not left it to the last minute." Dad replies, "She needs to see her friends." This, of course, wasn't the mature thing to do as I'd heard countless stories of how if my parents had no babysitters, they couldn't go wherever, period. It would just be something both my sister and brother in law would have to do. "Sorry, Dad, she needed to have asked sooner." "Look, me and your Mother will look after her two kids for the first two hours, and then you and Andy can come over and do the next two because listen its not very fair with my bad knee and your Mom's bad back." He was trying to put all this on me like it was my doing. When it was selfish of my sister to expect it. The smoother he became, I became smoother until my husband started trying to wave his arms at me, mouthing over something whilst I'm on one of the most toxic phone calls I'm determined to not back down and as Dad's rattling away in my ear I had enough of my husband. Dad was saying something else at this point saying something about how it wasn't right my sister couldn't go out, and I snapped because of my husband . "Oh!" It didn't matter how Dad smoothly put it. "She wanted kids. She's got kids! Now tell her to look after them." I put the phone down to yell at my husband, "what?" Why was he being super annoying? "I was just going to say two hours watching her kids is fine." "No. No, no, no!" "I'll call your Dad back and say it's fine." "Don't you dare?" He often says my family push me around, and he is turning into the peace maker! "I have told him no." As in no, means no, we're not doing it. And warning him to not phone Dad as soon as he got out of the room. But he does it, doesn't he, he undermines me and we end up going over for two hours when I knew I'd said no. He was the driver and I remember lying down for the night telling him how he'd made a mockery out of me for him, how my parents are going to see me as a joke. That my word means nothing. I was so angry at my husband, and I told him this as I was trying to settle in the bed before I went to sleep. I was trying to make sure we weren't going to get played and un did everything I'd just done. I'd a good mind to scornfully tell Dad if I'd have had it my way I wouldn't have been there and yes it was unfair on my sister to expect him to babysit with his bad knee and my Mom's bad back.

Having experienced emotional blackmail in childhood, the parent may not have physical evidence to hold against you, but they do have control over access to comfort and support, nothing quite like the empty feeling that comes with being pushed away as you don't deserve it.

My grandfather would make his kids watch him as he tied a rope to the barn rafters or to a tree limb. He did that show many times before he died of a bleeding ulcer. My Mom would say she was going to crash the car into a tree, and my brother has went to parties where he disrupts the entire evening by threatening to jump out the window or fakes having chest pains. They forget what they've told you, and my brother forgets that Mom dd that. When I jogged his memory, he realized it just doesn't work on me. I can't make someone want to live, and it's their choice.

Your channel is an absolute life saver and a knowledge hive! Thank you for all you do Dr Ramani, you're the absolute best! And may I say you're beautiful ☺️💜

Once you see clearly, you understand they blackmail emotionally because of the goods you have on them.

@Ayaime7

Ай бұрын

Yes❤. Took me too long to see that one as well. He twists stories and twisted stories. It wasnt until i sat down and wrote out order of events. He would always threaten me and pull me into feeling like he "wasnt that bad" -i ended up in the hospital while pregnant in 2014. - he had an expensive lawyer and someone asked me why it wasnt brought up full force since he said it so often -to me while we were in and out of court. When i wrote out thenorder of events on top of he disconnecting my battery cables. Even that eventually made sense. If he used it i would have told what had occurred leading up into being hospitalised including trapping and force and man handling. Etc. When i finally set a boundary guided by counseling as he was bringing it up all the time and even caused my cptsd to get worse with anxiousness and the hypervigilance. he said we have two different interpretations of events. I was a liar needed to go back to the hospital and have helo. And i informed him that this was at the instruction of my counselour. I had help and if he brought it up again id press charges as he was mentally and emotionally being abusive and being manipulative. He hasnt done it again.

@Ayaime7

Ай бұрын

They really arent that smart to be honest. The emotional black mail and twisted stories and lies have it to where he has backed himself into a corner of needing mental health diagnosis/support. All the lies are pretty much catching up with him and the pattern. He has had 0 assessments.

And they are so good at getting money out of you but never asking for it directly

Spot on. My narc ex always emotionally blackmailed me for money. He'd play on my empathy ( to clear his debts) kindness ( pay his hospital bill ) or sense of responsibility ( loan him money for his work ). He never had any stuff on me to actually blackmail me.

daily listening to doses of wisdom/knowledge about the patterns is so helpful while trying to get out, it is very strengthening, and slowly it is really settling in that nothing is as it seemed... and it was all there from the beginning. thank you

Dr Ramani, what if you know a shameful childish secret about a sibling from childhood and that person has so much shame about it that the sibling has exacted revenge on you since childhood, in front of you and behind your back. I have never told anyone the secret except a cousin when i was a child & wouldnt ever as an adult, yet my sibling cannot let it go. This was the GC & i was the SG & the sibling was bullying me back then which is why i brought it up that i knew,as a child. My cousin has never brought it up either. I have never brought it up as an adult or threatened to tell,in fact, i forget all about it until i am reminded by their resentment and utter hatred, targeted towards only me. The sibling is extremely verbally aggressive & screams at me in front of others, making out its about something else, when i know exactly what this problem is- its the shame & fear that others will find out...like i am holding it over them when i am not at all. This thing i caught the sibling doing happened over 50 years ago. I am not that type of person to even use it against them, but the sibling is furious that i know they are not so perfect, as they try to appear as squeaky clean to the rest of society ,always judging others so harshly-there is no empathy. I have had to go total no contact with this sibling as i am being destroyed by them bc of what i know and their guilt & shame. Recently, both parents are now dead & I have come back to the family town before the last one died. The monster within has awakened again bc im back. There is obviously a gigantic hangup about it mixed with revenge & jealousy too. Its like reverse emotional blackmail. Ive even been screamed at in front of other family members, when they are highly intoxicated, screaming- " you bullied me", "you are the enemy!" Ive been bullied for 50 yrs by them since, bc of this. Im actually scared of the fury directed towards me... they want me gone and I'm an embarrassing, threatening thorn in their side. The fear of exposure is not a real threat but they will not let it go. The sibling nurses the grudge, like its a little baby in their arms...

This was done to me by my children’s father and is now being done by my oldest. Unfortunately, despite us separating when she was 12, she is treating me the same as he did. My role modelling, 6 years and her living with me full time didn’t work, she picked up his traits. It’s exhausting not giving in because the escalation can keep going for a long time. Then suddenly, they act like nothing happened and a new favour is asked of you.

Thank you, doctor Ramani, for the warning and calling it out (whatever term you finding right to use)

I was hoping this would cover them using law enforcement to scare you or keep you trapped.

Most recently it's been my children. My ex is homeless, living in his vehicle, yet it only takes one modification to how he sees the kids for him to threaten some kind of custody action or getting the state to remove them from me. He knows they're my most precious treasures and it's taken MONTHS to remain non reactive in those moments of escalating threats.

My x husband told our daughter that I said I refused to give her a photo for her memorial table for her wedding. She is getting married in two weeks. The problem is he has the photo. I do not. Now she is angry with both of us but has banned me from her wedding. She was so angry she went to my house when I was not home and found boxes of family photos he never asked for but not that one. He said see she won’t give me any photos of my family which in reality he never asked for. If he had I would have found a way to share them with him. This is the first time I had any contact with him in 6 years. 😢

@anthonystevens-gm6uh

Ай бұрын

Classic narcissistic crazy making just to mess with you. That is awful.

Dr. Ramani!❤❤So grateful for you! Had I not found you I would think I was crazy. That somehow I was not getting it right. That somehow something was so wrong with me and that I needed to change everything about myself so that maybe by now ex husband would be happy. He definitely used emotional blackmail even to the very end when he had to pay me in the divorce. I was so much stronger by then… I literally binged watched your videos through it all😊

My X left me for a rebound guy after a few years together. Before, during or after her rebound guy -LOL. My X expressed in a child like talk that she needed money. Not so much blackmail. That I would feel sympathy and bail her out of debt. I felt that she was using me like she did before she ended the relationship. I said to my X, life isn't easy when you decided to move out on your own after I returned home. You had everything; love, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, understanding and financial stability. My X knew I wasn't buying into her BS. She texted, ending the relationship

Yeah, the future faking. I started to discredit anything that was said without witnesses. Every communication has a point, for a reaction from me, not to connect. Being able to identify how they wanted me to act helped step out.

I don’t know if, or how much, my mother was narcissistic. I just know that emotional blackmail was her primary tool to raise me. If my goals and performance wasn’t exactly the way she expected, there was a mostly unspoken but very clear message that some terrible illness would befall her. It was a very effective manipulation tactic. She loved me so much that she only wanted me to succeed, but in her definition of success. I became the good child, but there was always a deep sorrow in me as a child and teenager…that I was valued and loved only if I performed to her expectations. I never felt unconditionally loved. I felt constantly judged. I wound up choosing narcissistic husbands, not knowing what the narcissistic personality style was. I’m not blaming that on my upbringing, however, I think I missed red flags because I was such a people pleaser. Thank you 1000 times over, Dr. R, for your passion to make this knowledge accessible to everyone.

This video was great timing....thank you.

I had a neighbour who discussed another neighbour with me and then she threatened that if i tell them,shes going to tell my sibling that i showed her photos of his hoarding in the kitchen What a B!

I would probably just shrug my shoulders and say thats okay, i got one on you too. Gotta go things to do and people to see. I just dont have the energy to even react anymore. It really sucks and its cruel and mean.

Hi Dr. Ramani! I have found this form of NA hard to pinpoint up until now! Thank you for this extremely clear and helpful talk! And congratulations on your new book..I love reading it, and having it at my fingertips :)