You nailed it when you said a relationship with an avoidant makes you feel like you aren’t part of a team. 4.5 years with an avoidant. He spent all his time with me, has no other friends or relationships. We talked about moving our families in together in October. 4 months later, one small spat over communication and he abruptly ended it. He’s 50, but acts like a child. I’ve seen how he dismisses his kids emotional needs, they are emotionally crippled and all in turmoil. My kids are thriving as is my career and he was not happy for me. He said it made him feel like a failure. Almost 6 weeks no contact and it’s hard, but I’m pretty sure he did me a favor!

@ralucamera6574

4 ай бұрын

Yes, I understand the feeling ending relationship over small things, such children.

@evaeggen7825

4 ай бұрын

A very fragile mind, you should save your love for someone that deserve you better, don't love them to much to soon, they don't want to be in a club where they are knowing they aren't worth worshipping , yours I mean.

@evaeggen7825

4 ай бұрын

Perhaps you are using your therapeutic tools on them, are avoidant more exciting, because it's like a roller coaster, I just wander. If it remind you og someone familiar. I don't think they are used to be loved and they can't accept they are worth it, what about that thought?

@brandy307

4 ай бұрын

@@evaeggen7825 perhaps you should keep your judgmental comments to yourself. What about that thought? Also you drew incredibly wild conclusions that had nothing to do with my statement. What a rude person.

After the discard, I blocked him because the slow ghosting and stonewalling were too painful! And I’ve been holding on to this boundary for almost 3 months. I can feel I’m healing. I treat myself nicely, buy myself gifts, go hiking every weekend, workout more frequently, educate myself with knowledge. I’m proud of myself! Last week, when I noticed that he blocked me back, at first it felt like being discarded again, but very soon, I felt ‘whatever 🙄’, and I love this feeling! Once the person chooses to leave my world, it’s a dead person in my world!

6 months have passed since my DA ex broke up with me and I have been in NC for 6 months. I am still deeply hurt and have to think about him every single day. Nevertheless, I am determined to cut him out of my life. 3 breakups, that's enough

Currently going through a breakup with an DA. Toughest breakup I’ve ever dealt with. Almost 3wks no contact. I treated her so well . Very loving and patient, I showed up in every way possible. To meet her needs despite my own. I believe love to be sacrificial. Just to find out she was a DA. Had no clue I was with one until I did some digging as to why she behaved in such ways. Researched how to deal with a DA in a relationship. Just to be discarded. So anyone dating one. Have that conversation. Because if she/ he isn’t willing to put in the work. You’re wasting your time.

@northshorelight35

4 ай бұрын

Realizing that he is a DA made it easier for me to get over it. I view DA as an incurable mental disorder that I don't want to deal with.

@anthonyprichard673

4 ай бұрын

That’s what’s helped me walk away. With Dignity intact. I was just collateral damage in someone else’s war within themselves. And When I miss her I think of the word Bitch. Not to call her out side her name to disrespect her.. But to use it in an acronym She is Bitter Insecure Toxic Childish Hatful. I ask myself then Is this a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?? And it’s a hard pass for me. I have to much respect for myself and know my values. I hope this helps anyone struggling with a break up of this kind. It’s not a normal breakup. So be gentle with yourselves. Remember you showed up! They couldn’t.

@slimsheep

17 күн бұрын

Bro im going through the same thing now and its because i found out i was with a DA is what helped/helping me get over it better..I was so distraught on hiw passive she was about all the shit she did. Even when they end it its like "okay, i dont wanna do this anymore, 8 years is just meh" I couldn't even fight because I knew i would get a brick wall and deadface. Yall know the look im talking about. ​@@anthonyprichard673

@slimsheep

17 күн бұрын

Its amazing how they can say "I just feel like i don't want to be here anymore" and days after being so happy, just turn around and be like "nope, this aint for me". Good luck guys, i delt with episodes for years and didn't know what it was, i tried to be accepting of the most extreme stuff when she tried to justify what she was doing. I didn't know what it was, but shit, I sure found out. Its sad, but the "no emotion" is a deal breaker for me(amongst other things). Way too hard to deal with so im going to join the "DON'T GO BACK" crew.

Brilliant conclusion, it was like addiction, I am still healing 18 months later but withdrawal nearly costed me my life. I got rid of everything I got from him, deleted him from my phone, photos gone, otherwise I wont be able to heal. I pray and my broken heart goes to everybody (especially anxious souls) who went through this 🙏🤗 Great advices about thinking how avoidant hurt me or disrespected or used my insecurities against me. It helped me to improve my self-esteem and stop thinking positivelly about him. I took him off his pedestal. I had to get really busy with stuff I always wanted to do and that obsession started easing. It's doable even without therapist but slower.

@zebrastripes3786

3 ай бұрын

Same,I decided too that no matter how much it hurts I am not going through this again and focused on healing my trauma so I am never in this predicament again. Also agree with you that it can be done without a therapist. I follow every tip I’ve heard to do like journaling,EFT tapping,self love affirmations,inner child healing etc.. It’s a slow process but I’ll get there. Hope you the best in your healing journey.

I never cried for a woman before an avoidant ghosted and bloked me… and I cried all my soul, begging god to help me…

@Th3FuNkMan

2 ай бұрын

Did she come back

@MrPr1ngle5

2 ай бұрын

@@Th3FuNkMan nop

Listened to this more than once. Everytime I find it helpful. The 8 months rumination is hard...made me feel better knowing I can allow it. Waking up with nightly panic has been horrible 😢

Thank you! First months were pure hell, serious withdrawal. I wonder how the DA feels when they see triggering content, like pictures, shred music or personal meaningful tings after the months of deactivation? Mine has had following pattern: first 3 months acting almost robotically in social media, liking all my posts but no communication, then making few very personal but indirect posts and since this has been reacting to my stuff very sporadically, ignoring more personal posts and photos of me. It's 5 months total now, I'm finally out if addiction, but I wonder is she the one who's going through the hell now.

Thank you, I have nobody to talk to about this and nobody understands anyway. I really thought he loved me. Was sooooo present and exactly like you said. They make you feel so seen and stare into your soul! It’s so hard. Them made a stranger like a business transaction in a 9 minute phone call. I love him .💔

@slimsheep

17 күн бұрын

It's tough... happened to me, inwas kimd of preparing myself for something but the fact that they can just be over the whole relationship in one sit down/call is the hardest part . You wanna fix it but they clearly don't. They checked out already. Shit it would have been better if they left you for someone else maybe. At least you would have a actual reason

Thanks for all these videos Ken, you are helping me currently navigate through an ending DA marriage. It is tough, but finding out that its just how they are built and they may not be able to fix it(even with help) has made me feel a little relief that its not solely me. Cause i have tried so hard, feels like they don't even want to try. The kind of love language i have i can never be okay with a DA in my life..sigh...they do feel like your sole mate don't they!!?

8 years together with an FA, we decided to sell our home and everything we owned and buy an RV and travel for a year. Everything was great or so I thought… 4 weeks after we started travelling, out of nowhere he blurted out he’s not in love with me anymore. Then I watched him slowly fade away for the next few months until he turned into someone I didn’t know, and said he wanted to be single and free. Never in my life have I felt so much pain. 5 months post break up I still struggle daily. The rumination is insane! Your videos have helped me immensely.

Thank you for the vids. You’re providing content others are not. The DA dumping me coldly has killed my vibe. Keep going ❤

@andziagreen4922

4 ай бұрын

I really hear you. Been there end of 2022. It was like a kick in the face 2 weeks before we had planned trip to my home country. Never communicated any isdues or been open emotionally. If I only knew about attachments and other stuff I know now.

Among the really great content in this channel, this video in particular speaks to me on so many levels and with actionable advice too... Important points for me: * breaking up with an avoidant attacher is like getting off hard drugs and so trying to stay friends is unlikeky to work * this all applies also if they were a close friend that you may have had romantic feelings for and there was no official label on the relationship * awareness on their side is something to acknowledge and encourage but it is not good enough if they don't do the work and that may be too uncomfortable for them. * so it looks like eventually I'm going to have to bite the bullet and break off the friendship but it is so painful to contemplate doing that The video also speaks to my own stuff. I believe I have cPTSD manifesting as fearful avoidant attachment. It took me three to four years in therapy to get to the point of doing somatic work with my therapist.

I just discovered your podcasts today & have listened to many already. I've been navigating a final break up with an avoidant with whom I've been involved on & off (of course) for over a decade. The most difficult part is maintaining relationships with the children, both young adults, who are obviously saddened by this as I have been their step father since they were young. She is begrudgingly accepting the fact that they desire to keep me in their lives yet did not inform me when our son was hospitalized. Thankfully our daughter did. You have brought me more understanding of the dynamics of our relationship & how our individual neuroses contributed to it. You are really helping people. I can only imagine what a great therapist you must be.

DA’s are on the secure side of the spectrum. I haven’t really heard anyone say it directly although the do hold high positions and are normally able to set boundaries pretty easily. I know FA’s share anxious traits and it’s mentioned often. Do you think there is something to this thinking DA’s are cold yet secure?

Ken, you are truly amazing! Your exceptional knowledge of the severe dismissive avoidant and the way you articulate resonates with me sooo much!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

You explain all of this so well! As an ex of a disorganized avoidant person I naturally did some of these things. I moved and til this day still have the "icks" (there are alot) I feel for them and wish them well in their future and hope one day they face the alcoholism. Also SO grateful to be past it all ❤ IT was extremely painful experience, especially with kids involved.

Ken, thank you for being there for me

Ken- glad you're on youtube (I think you're new here). I've been struggling for so long to get over getting suddenly dumped by an FA who seemed like my person. I think I was just the next in her "guy hopping" journey. At the end, she was clearly pining over the guy before me who wasn't good enough for her which caused her that breakup. It's just horrific how they can tell you they love you and then turn around and discard. just gut wrenching.

Thank you so much!!

Thank you so much for all the valuable information you are sharing with us!!!🎉 you are just amazing! Love listening to your videos!

If they’ve already replaced you months ago, before they break up with you, are they narcissistic?

Will you be making "Heartbreak Grief Relief " available again? Or was this only available last year? I am a new subscriber and only recently discovered your channel.

So dismissive avoidants tend to feel like soul mates??

@MENTAL-STRENGTH101

3 ай бұрын

Yep, which is why the break up is absolutely excruciating

His friends will keep you Ken, I am sure. I would, even more than a friend, but ok, it's unrealistic.. sorry for getting distracted 😅 although. I have been in resieving ends. Switching, so I try to learn too.

Thank you so much for helping people understanding what they ate going through. It speed up my healing. ❤️❤️🙏🙏

@slimsheep

17 күн бұрын

Facts!

Vulnerability touching the nose lots meaning avoidant childhood aprocal geting the point of expression abd to trust what one obe is saying note please not ment offensively but educationaly i expect honesty . May i express y my coment is writen here resoect the investment not a insult say as is thank u for u wisdom u can go to greater hights watch the nose u wanna fo highwr i. Life. Do it educational utubeer l😊

Seems like you met a mix of borderline, and narcissist, wonder if your mother or father had similar traits?

What’s your email?

@KenReidCo

Жыл бұрын

hey there, you can reach me here www.kenreidcounselling.com.au/connect-with-me

🥹 why is this so precise?