Mine was 3-4 months. Broke up with me towards the end of our vacation in Greece! Before our 4 hours flight. It’s awful. I’ll never want to feel that ever again. He’s been in therapy for 15 years he won’t ever change

@tkiivzi5

25 күн бұрын

I literally went through the same thing

They flip the switch around 6 months - year mark. You begin to notice you’re not a priority, they don’t communicate needs and are very “conflict” avoidant. No true intimacy or commitment. Words don’t match actions

@chiaraA.

Жыл бұрын

my experience exactly - it's all textbook

@gala2103

Жыл бұрын

Jesus, you described my experience to a T. Damn..

@Growwithgrace101

2 ай бұрын

Do you think they always come back? I am nearly 8 months of NC....I am not sure I could have a relationship unless he was doing some therapy but I do miss just having him in my life. It seems crazy to me that you can tell someone you love them one day and the next your feelings are gone to the point you never speak again.

@lolaweed7467

2 ай бұрын

@@Growwithgrace101 if they come back things don’t change. Unfortunately boundaries and expectations are seen as controlling behaviour. You’ll only be met with passive aggression and very little productive communication. At least that’s what I experienced when my avoidant came back

@jessicahitchens6926

2 ай бұрын

Fearful avoidants flip it within weeks. It's all very predictable once you see it.

After going through this and understanding what happened, it’s insane how many songs are literally describing the experience.

The way you articulate this dynamic has been so validating and comforting. I can't thank you enough. While you acknowledge that these individuals have deep wounds and deserve empathy, you do not excuse their destructive behavior. Before my last relationship with my first avoidant, I had no idea how traumatic and damaging a relationship like this can be. I liken the experience to being blinded by a shiny object. One cannot help but to be drawn in. However, as your eyes adjust to the light, your supposed "loving partner" is walking away and you are left feeling completely confused and betrayed. My ex described me as his perfect woman. That he had never felt so deeply connected to another, and could not envision himself being with anyone else ever again. This didn't feel like love-bombing at the time, because honestly, I felt the exact same way. We had a wonderful relationship. And so naturally, I expected the relationship to go through all the normal stages of progression. His resistance at every stage, was so jarring and unnatural, it made me feel as though I was crazy or too needy, yet what I was asking for were simple things that make up a relationship. Before I understood attachment styles, I just remember thinking "why is this relationship so hard? Why does it feel as though one foot is always out the door with him.". I simply couldn't put my finger on it.

@Canaday291

24 күн бұрын

Mine made me always feel like I was in limbo as to where we stood. Hot and cold treatment creating cognitive dissonance, high anxiety, longing. I’d put up with him treating me as a back burner convenient option reaching out days, weeks, months after we just had a wonderful time together and him telling me he liked me a lot and wanted to continue building a relationship. I felt if I expressed my objections he’d do what he eventually did and reject me. When I finally had enough of his hot and cold setting me up to react on our last date he suddenly ended (as he had done several times before)our day together claiming he was sick I showed disappointment and felt so humiliated while leaving his house and he of course rejected me.

THIS!!!! I feel SO VALIDATED by this one talk. I can now move forward and let it go. The avoidant I dated for 7 months was in a new "relationship" within three weeks after our break up. I actually broke up with him. I sensed this avoidance and for three weeks, I tried to communicate about what was happening. When I couldn't get a straight answer, I ended it. I DESERVE a great partner because I AM a great partner! I will never accept less. It has haunted me though as it was a year ago this month that the break up happened. We had a perfectly fine relationship until he started to pull away. His loss!😑😑🙄

I'm currently going through this with a girl after a few months of dating. It's honestly a bit scary how accurate your description of everything is. It explains basically everything, and I feel a bit dumb for not seeing it sooner. I can't thank you enough for putting all of this into words; it's already helped me so much, and I feel like now that I know what's going on, I can work on healing and moving on. I feel like I could not have found your video at a better time and you completely opened my eyes. Thank you, honestly!

@KenReidCo

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry you went through this Matthias, it's a pretty awful experience and this happens for men and women regardless of gender so it's a pretty shared thing to go through. It's my pleasure that this video has helped you find the clarity you needed and I hope it allows you to move forward from this.

Thanks for this. Hitting the 3 month mark of dating and he spoke like he was ready to move things forward and put in more effort then he completely dropped contact. It hurts but it helps not to internalize that I did anything wrong. The last time we texted our texts were filled with very sweet words and compliments for each other. Looking back I see a lot of red flags of his commitment fears. He grew up not seeing healthy relationships, saw his parents divorce as a kid, and also lost a parent at a young age. He admitted to having suppressed emotions and unhealed trauma. He’s a prideful person so I don’t see him seeking therapy.

This is me 9 months later after my DA ex bf dumped me out of no where after a year together.

Holy shit you are the best! Your description is 100% accurate I feel so validated and no longer crazy 😅 No one understands unless you have experienced it 😢

One of the best videos I’ve seen about this. Bravo, Ken!!

This is so validating. And yes, you are so right my 'replacement' was a shorter less attractive version of me. I was like wtf, why? You could have had me but because you refuse to take responsibility for your behaviour you've settled for a downgrade. Completely frustrating and incredibly upsetting to witness. I really hope he begins to see a pattern and gets therapy. Maybe if he gets another assertive woman like me he might actually listen to feedback rather than getting defensive. It's such a shame.

i need to watch this every day, maybe a few times every day. thank you for this information!!!

So true. I’ve never been called needy in my life till this guy I dated was inconsistent in texting and I called it out. They’re twisters

I dated an avoidant and everything happened exactly as you said

BEST CONDENSED VIDEO ON THE PAIN OF BREAKUP W AN AVOIDANT!! Spot on Ken! After 5 painful, anxiety filled years! Thank you 🙏 I’m saving this one to watch over & over ❤

Ken thanks for that video I have been dating with him like 3 months and he slowly pulls away always busy and confused hot and cold and then he left me. I thought he was my soulmate and he claims that too. Its so painful its been a month and every morning I want to cry and all day the only thing I can think is him.

Wow…just wow…the accuracy of inner thoughts and actual experiences is uncanny. You my friend are a Godsend…thank you.

This is really what I just experienced. So accurate description almost hit every point of the dates I’ve been through. At the first couple of dates, I was skeptical and thinking it’s love bombing and then felt we had genuine connections and he pulled away. The connection was real but we didn’t really have time to build up for more and develop deeper. I totally experienced this dating dopamine high and fell low like a drug addict😢

Hacen mucho daño este tipo de personas, el día que me fui porque no soportaba mas, llegue directo al baño a vomitar.

Healing requires community - thank you!

Love this. So many ahas and relatable moments. Your true person will never make you feel like you’re too much. Just like a good friend or family. ❤

@KenReidCo

Жыл бұрын

100%. A healthier person would never let anyone be in this situation.

from 11:20 on: Oh. Thank you for this, honestly. I've been really baffled about getting accused of being excessively needy, when all I wanted was... some small piece of reassurance? As a severely traumatised person? So that I could be like "oh okay, cool, thanks" and give them space. So yeah, thank you for the validation, it helps a bit.

11:13 - 11:46 this here! she always used to be the one to hug me and one day i'd had a shitty day at work and said 'cm'ere, gimme a hug' and she said 'awww are you feeling needy?' unbelievable. it really pissed me off.

You're amazing, this was my exact experience.

Thank you for offering your ever insightful perspective on dissmissive avoidants. After going through a very painful textbook relationship with a DA, what you have to share resonates. Being an attachmentment nerd who has worked to become more secure, I brought many of these concepts to the table with my da while in relationship. Although he started to see his patterns and started to scratch the surface, he eventually shut down when more effort and commitment were required to break through our patterns. Interestingly enough, the song you mentioned, Dreams, came up during our time together as a theme song of the DA. A sad and haunting melody. I wish he was as motivated and dedicated to working himself and the relationship. In the end though, although I love him and wanted it to work out, I am happier alone than existing in the anxiety that his behaviors triggered in me. Thank you for your continued work 🙏

Fuck me! You've just explained Me!.. MY life! My ex girlfriend who dumped me with no warning! You explain it SO well 🎯 in words I understand. I feel gutted for myself but also sad for my ex, as for 3 months we had such a loving relationship. Then all of a sudden......💣💥💥💥

Seems this is just par for the course for gay men. I'm yet to meet anyone who isn't like this? You basically get bogged down by all their shame and issues. The ones suffering from internalized homophobia are THE WORST. The funny thing is when you're very secure and you get traumatised you become so damaged, one would think YOU were the avoidant. it's incredible. And what's worse? They MIGHT change someday, it just won't be for YOU. What a pandemic!

@KenReidCo

Жыл бұрын

I hear you and I can empathise with what you're describing because it is very easy to encounter these kinds of men over and over and it is downright devastating and exhausting to experience so I'm sorry you've had this experience over and over again.

@freddyjafar1490

Жыл бұрын

@@KenReidCo Thanks, man. Keep putting these out there. Someone will stumble upon them and perhaps will make better choices.

TY 4 ur amazing explanation ❤

What a relief to hear this!

Well done well done

Best therapist so far

A much needed video right now for me. Thanks to the universe and AI algorithm. ❤

Thank you so much for this .. jeez did I need to hear that.. bless you Ken x

@KenReidCo

5 ай бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

My bf pulled back and broke up and when we were about to get married after a couple yrs and hes done it 2 more times since and now its been 6 yrs. This always happens when we get close and talk about the future. I should have known cuz he pulled back majorly after 4 months of dating and he would text a lot but go weeks without wanting to hang out before we lived together. He also took over a yr to tell me he loved me.

My FA went straight into a new committed relationship after just meeting this girl a month later and now they have exchanged promise rings!!!! What???? I never got a promise ring in 3 on and off loving most of the time years….Help me understand please!!!

Having an understanding and loving partner help us to heal. Dont dump your avoidant partner because they need your support to heal.

@Ken-od7gc

Ай бұрын

First they have to want to heal. Second it's hard to support someone that keeps running away. Three they usually do the dumping and discarding. Four you end up pouring yourself into the avoidant, neglecting yourself, and not receiving any type of reciprocated love and care. I don't think most sane people will tolerate that.

You literally described my 4 year relationship! I knew it was the best and the right thing to finally end it, but after watching your video, I am now 100 % sure I did the right thing! Thank you! p.s. Also I wish more people have this information..