I think that for many of us knowing that avoidants (especially the ones that show up as secure and really invest in the relationship in the beginning) have feelings but are likely repressing them, it gives us the false hope that they will give in to these feelings or that we should rescue them and make them see what they can't. It's sad to move on knowing that feelings are probably still there buried inside of them, but unfortunately we can't dig and take them out.

@Stella-cv4mc

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly... That's the hardest part :(

@osml2.0

3 жыл бұрын

exactly

@nataliel2149

3 жыл бұрын

Well said !!

@SK-no2pp

3 жыл бұрын

It’s false hope. And you’re projecting all your hopes and dreams onto this person. Sometimes they might not ever reach their potential. They have to actively work on their core wounds. At times they don’t even know what the issue is. They’re operating from a wanted paradigm. It’s best to find somebody that respect you, wants to grow with you, and there is reciprocity. The entanglement was so painful for me, but I finally see the light now

@jordanlevitt1638

3 жыл бұрын

@@SK-no2pp Sometimes it's less about their inability to do the work and more about our inability to walk away.

Matthew Hussey says something that nails it for me: "I understand you have your reasons, but I have my reality [experience]. And what I'M interested in is my reality." Ultimately, the DA that isn't willing to change their behaviors, or isn't doing it fast enough to change the partner's experience as without having to sacrifice their own needs and boundaries, isn't worth staying with. Any relationship with a DA already means the partner's needs and wants are constantly taking a backseat to the DA's incessant need for space. Worse, their various deactivating and protest behaviors, such as contempt stonewalling and fault-finding are toxic and abusive regardless of what motivates them. Just as the DA has the right to pull away as much as they want-- the non-DA partner has the right to walk right out of the relationship.

@Gbb93

8 ай бұрын

Then just do it. Don’t look back. Find someone that is secure. I think it’s hard for anyone because we all value something that’s hard to obtain. And especially if they start off secure, we have that inkling that they are “catch-able”. The chase is what makes it hard to let them go.

@clara7920

14 күн бұрын

You hit this right on the nail. After 5 yrs I just decided to end it. I’m now beginning to heal. I deserve more and better

ANOTHER great video. Sometimes we can get so focused on making it work, that we forget to assess if it is even healthy for us

@CosmicHealingGoddess

3 жыл бұрын

So true! 🙌🏻

@dannywholuv

2 жыл бұрын

Im at that crossroads now. We have a holiday booked in 2 months but right now shes avoiding meeting up 😕

I appreciate this clarification of what not to put up with, even if you know their attachment style . I continually excused my ex DA’s behavior out of feeling sorry for him . That was the most resentful move I ever did to myself . I betrayed myself for him. Never again .

When I 1st came to here found out I was AP and then proceeded to spend 3 weeks watching DA videos to understand my partner! Now I’m focusing on me and feel 97% happier and more relaxed 😎

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

3 жыл бұрын

Amazing to hear that! - PDS team member

@SK-no2pp

3 жыл бұрын

Great mindset. You can’t change anyone else. You can just control your reaction and work on your side of the fence

I've watched this video more times than I can count but I still need to be reminded that personal development isn't for putting up with others behavior that brings up pain. I always find painful feelings as a sign to work on myself, just to return to the other person to be hurt me all over again. Thank you for the reminder that working on ourselves is to improve our lives.

I believe I dated a DA for a few months. He would behave as if everything else was more important at times, and realised I was in runner/chaser dynamic, but it wasn't easy to spot at first, but knew something was just off, his words and actions confused me as he blew hot and cold. I am glad I got real with myself and had self worth and value, but it still left its mark. Over three months have gone and I am still wondering if any of it was real or meant anything to him. I almost want to warn others about him, but realise it's their lesson too.

@chasingdreams222

3 жыл бұрын

Same thing happened to me, and it's been 3 months of no communication. I am healing and loving on myself, I hope that you are doing well, too.

@volperossa2020

2 жыл бұрын

I sent a goodbye letter to my AD wishing him to find a true love that could finally melt his heart and went in no contact. he double messaged me a month later but I didn't reply.. I wonder if he wanted to come back.. but i 'm afraid he just checked if i'm still on the hook. i chose to heal myself

@mariankristinearaya5548

2 жыл бұрын

@@volperossa2020 DA only do that to the person they are in love it just that they are afraid of commitment or afraid being rejected.

@volperossa2020

2 жыл бұрын

@@mariankristinearaya5548 thanks a lot for your comment. You know I blocked him 3 months ago. And my healing process became reallt fast. And I understood why I was always super attracted by avoidants. Now I'm dating a guy who is apparently very affectionate, loves hugging etc. I can see a very big shift in my subconscious. I am very attentive, though..

@Princess-ef2ux

2 жыл бұрын

@@volperossa2020 what did you do to get these results? I’m a AP & he’s is a DA im currently in no contact for 4months we we’re together for 4yrs & I still cry & love him 🥺because I miss him but I refuse to contact him after he didn’t reply to a text. It’s been rocky. Out intimacy got to much I could tell the last year & 1/2 he acted in such weird ways he looked afraid of me sometimes as if I was a lion ready to eat him. It was so odd & I could tell his feelings for me were growing. I know he’s been wanting to pull away for about 1 1/2 but we were both attached. I think he was upset with himself for allowing himself to get to close to me. I have BPD & Abandonment issues so this triggered me so much & a year & a half ago when he started to slowly pull away little by little. This is the longest we’ve gone without speaking 4 months of no contact 😭😢🥺😩

I think the reason why people are so harsh on DAs is because we know how much potential they have and that (most of them) are good people at the core, and that it's not really their fault that they function like this. So because we can't really be angry at the person themselves, we're angry at the attachment style instead. So we say things like "DAs do xyz and it's so awful"... Not saying it's the best thing to do, but people need to channel their anger and frustration in some way... :(

@xyz-xw7ye

3 жыл бұрын

People are responsible for their actions. Your comment just excuses them again. It's a choice to be selfish or empathetic. They choose themselves instead of other people. They think their pain matters more than everyone elses. That's narcissistic and just awful. I don't think these things make you a good person. It makes you an empty person.

@jordanlevitt1638

3 жыл бұрын

@@xyz-xw7ye The comment isn't to excuse them, it's to let them know we're trying to understand them. It's up to us to set our boundaries and make sure they're met. And if they aren't then we can decide what to do from there. But we also need to show them that we are willing to make things work with them.

@xyz-xw7ye

3 жыл бұрын

@@jordanlevitt1638 anxious ambivalents most of the time try hard to make it work, while avoidants AVOID doing anything that is inconvenient for them. They know we try to understand them and we are empathetic. If we weren't like that they wouldn't try to connect with us. Securely attached people don't put up with their bs.

@Stella-cv4mc

3 жыл бұрын

@@xyz-xw7ye Let me put it this way: I'm rooting for every DA to overcome their trauma, heal their heart and become securely attached, and I want to let them know that they don't have to feel hopeless. It's not their fault that they have this attachment style. At the same time I ask unhealed DAs to *not seek out relationships* with us, and I advise EVERYONE, above all FAs and APs, to stay away from an unhealed DA. As long as DAs, as you correctly said, consciously or *subconsciously CHOOSE* to be dismissive and avoidant - they should be dismissed and avoided, too. At least in my case giving DAs space/time/love/support didn't do anything to help them heal their attachment style. As far as I can see, it's also in their best interest that we avoid them until they're healed. All I really ask of them is that they don't pursue us, because in the dating phase they usually show up as securely attached, therefore we can't tell what we are getting ourselves into!

@xyz-xw7ye

3 жыл бұрын

@@Stella-cv4mc I mostly agree with you. However there is no such thing as a healed avoidant, if an avoidant is healed the person is either secure or secure leaning avoidant, but they are not avoidant anymore. (I've never seen or heard about anyone who TRULY managed to overcome their avoidance though). And asking avoidants to stop pursuing us is asking too much. They want connection and can't get it elsewhere, they need anxiously attached people. Also, if they cared, if they had empathy, they wouldn't avoid the hard work, they would go to therapy, they would really try to make relationships succeed. Instead, they do nothing and expect us to do all the work.

I don't understand this obsessive subconscious need for me to think of my DA ex, or to just long for him still. I've working hard on myself, I've consciously realized that relationship won't work for either of us. He was not willing to do the work, He told me he doesn't think our relationship is worth saving. At the same time called me "the one", "love of his life" etc. It just doesn't make sense. And not to mention he pursued me a lot before we got together, when I was unsure about being with him. He made me believe and trust him knowing I had wounds around abandonment. I just don't understand...and most of all I'm disappointed with my inability to get him out of my mind :( it hurts

@AirplanesD

Жыл бұрын

May I ask if you're in a better place now? Your situation sounds exactly like mine, almost word for word.

@asher6047

Жыл бұрын

Limerence

@asher6047

Жыл бұрын

@@AirplanesD it’s so tough to get them out your mind isn’t it

I just want to share that what has kept me in situations Thais is describing is a mindset of scarcity, that I'll not get another chance, so I must cling on to what I have. This exists in combination with issues around deservability and worthiness. I identify as AP. I recently joined the school and am looking forward to doing the work around this :) Have a good day all.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

3 жыл бұрын

This can definitely be worked on! So happy you joined the school and make sure you join the PDS members group if you want to participate in the 90 day challenge! - PDS team member

What to do if a dismissive-avoidant ______ fill in the blank. The answer is: LEAVE, say good bye, end the relationship, friendship. Just go on find yourself mutual loving relationships. Life is too short.

I see a lot of APs in this comment section...there’s refreshments in the back (lol) I think that bc our (AP) default mode is to want to fix things that in our mind can be repaired if only we just did one more thing or altered this part of ourselves or reworded our statements “the right” way we hold out hope that we can be the one to save the day and pull the sword out of the stone by finally getting this person to match up w/ the ideal we bought into at the beginning of the relationship. I’ve come to find that self-acceptance really is the key to being able to discern between real interest vs. interest that’s feigned. When you don’t know the difference ppl use this to their advantage and sell you on what they know you want to hear until you no longer benefit them. Choose yourself first, then choose who chooses you. Thanks for this Thais!🎯

If sb cannot show up and discuss like an adult and mature person, then we need to leave them alone. Nobody deserves such behavior and we can't be nobody's savior or therapist. If they are motivated enough, they themselves will be willing to do the work.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself this last year and a half. As a disabled person, I encounter lots of friendships and relationships like this. I’m so glad I learned my patterns and fixed them. Now I reach out once and don’t personalize when people don’t follow up or through. I don’t have time to mull over the reason why because I know I’m amazing and deserve connections with mutual fondness and effort. I don’t do more than my fair share anymore and it feels great.

@chasingdreams222

3 жыл бұрын

So true!

I binge watched PDS videos for at least a week now and this one popped up in my time line at just the right day. Truth be told, I secretly want / wanted to "save" my FA friend (not boyfriend) and help him develop and develop alongside him with my SA but AP tendencies. The videos helped me understand why he ghosts me for a month today out of the blue and after saying committing things about our friendships. I KNOW it's not about me and doesn't even say he doesn't luv me anymore, but that he's just scared and has to overcome his own demons. But yesterday and today really were those days were I was totally stuck in the "I am too much and that's why he left" circle. Yes, I invested a lot in this friendship. Yes, I texted him a lot when he didn't reply (not knowing what he needs and thinking it was depression), but oh my gosh, no, his attachment style is no excuse for ghosting me out of the friendship, no excuse for not communicating what he needs, no excuse for not answering my "do you want me to leave you alone? You have to tell me, because otherwise I'll assume it's depression and my texts are helpful." with an honest reply. No excuse to make me worry or to make me feel purged. I can't read his mind. I worked on trusting this friendship. I worked on myself. The annoying part? I'm still hoping he comes around and we can work things out and I so wish I wouldn't.

I think sometimes we stay because we’re emotionally bonded through oxytocin. It’s hurtful to break that bond even if we know it’s not working.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but considering what I've been through, I just don't feel that securely attached people will ever easily understand me. I find it too frustrating to have to explain my generosity toward others (aka people pleasing). I try not to lose my sense of self and sacrifice myself for others, but that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy being kind to other people, even strangers. I see others in pain, and it reminds me of the pain I have been through. I want to help them (not save them), and I want to be compassionate and understanding of their struggle and now I know I still need to care for myself while doing it. I still fail to see the fault in this.

@kachokako

3 жыл бұрын

It is wrong if you do that in the expense of yourself. I was similar to you. I thought i've tried to keep my sense of self, and "protect" myself from people who may take advantage of me. But as i watch Thais' videos, I understand that i often compromise for things that i actually don't like bcs i am afraid of being selfish. I did tried to make boundaries but i didn't measure it based on what i want. Instead, i put very low boundaries, that is if i feel like i am on the edge or have generally and logically accepted, only then i allow my self to refuse. Back then, i think that what i want is irrelevant, bcs my focus was how to solve the problems. And i have to somehow find a way for my to be capable of whatever is needed to solve problems I did that because seeing other people suffering is painful to me. I didn't want to feel that way. So, helping them made me feel better, and feel that my existence has a meaning. I didn't seek for happiness, bcs i tried and i never understand how does it feel since i was kid. My priotitize was only to minimize my pain by helping others dealing with their pain. Now i understand how much and deep i had damaged myself. That i became suicidal for feeling unworthy of life and incapable to feel happy.

@user-rc1my2xc3s

3 жыл бұрын

Maybe you'll meet some who earned secure attachment as an adult :)

@kachokako

3 жыл бұрын

@@user-rc1my2xc3s thanks 🙂 I am still struggling with a DA, actually. For me, i don't really mind being with a person who hasan insecure att style as long as they do the work too. Because i have an insecure att style too. And it's okay as long as I really try my best to work on myself. But, i am still reviewing if now i m meeting up for myself, and if he is willing to do the work on himself. Or if i am bias in seeing this matter. But, i'll take my time to understand it for now 🙂

@alignedmindbodysoul

3 жыл бұрын

@@kachokako felt these words as my own

@tobyschoeneberger7126

3 жыл бұрын

I've heard that people who were not cared for become the best caregivers...

Thank you so much. Going through this with a DA and I am FA/PA. When I was quarantined in Philly he kept wanting to know when I was coming back to town. Now I'm here and he acts like I'm still away!😒

@andreeanasca8216

3 жыл бұрын

haha that sounds exactly like my ex DA

@farialislam90

3 жыл бұрын

Lol he acts like I live far away when I’m only 30 min 🤷🏽‍♀️

@slinkdawg75

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my ex DA as well. She texted me out of the blue last week after over a year. Asked how I was doing, apologized for how she ended things. Doesn’t want to hang out or talk though.

@Stella-cv4mc

3 жыл бұрын

OMG the same thing happened with my DA! It was the last straw for me, I cut the connection and burned the bridge. No regrets.

@osml2.0

3 жыл бұрын

yup. it’s like i’m here! ......... hello anyone there?

Unfortunately I'm the DA that tends to ignore peoples needs. I do it because I guess I have a core belief that everybody is responsible for their own emotional needs. But also until just a few years ago I didn't recognize how hurt people were getting. Even if I do recognize the hurt I don't know what to do about it. The feeling of powerlessness regarding the feelings of others causes me to withdraw even more. I don't even feel like I have emotional needs of my own. I honestly believe that I could move to a cabin in the woods and live alone and be fine. I tried working the night shift for six years but that just concentrated my contact with fewer people and feelings still got hurt because I didn't approach or respond when they wanted me to. It's very frustrating.

@amaliaesposito3942

3 жыл бұрын

@@Alphacentauri819 very well put =)

@LikeToWatch77

3 жыл бұрын

@@scifilover9517 - Duh!

I don’t know if this will help anybody, but after watching your videos in conjunction with other channels about narcissism, I came to the painful realization that the reason why I was “chasing” my DA ex and allowing him to come in and out of my life for so long was largely due to my desire for approval, which stems from having a narcissistic mother. I think I am secure in some aspects but every time my ex would shut down or push me away, it triggered my anxious side. This made me want his approval even more, hence the chase. I think I also felt on a deeper level that approval equals love, mainly due to always having to prove that I’m good enough for my mother’s affection and approval even now. After realizing this, I was able to actually step back and assess whether my ex was actually good for me, which he wasn’t. Not because he is a DA, but because he wasn’t willing to do the work or fight for us. Thank you for all the insightful videos and helping so many of us.

@Starsm74

3 жыл бұрын

Wow. This helped me and light bulb Moment. Never connected my need for my mother’s approval and how triggered my anxiety with my DA. Thank you this had brought so much insight. 🙏

@chadb9452

2 жыл бұрын

Wow! You literally took the words out of my mouth. Thanks for sharing. Im tired of chasing approval/ connection

@TVVENCH

Жыл бұрын

Very very relatable. My mother is the same and I have certainly spent time in relationships with DAs where I have fought for the approval I sought so desperately from my mother as a child. Leaving this in 2022 and working on it in therapy.

Thank u for addressing that we don’t learn a dismissive avoidant style so we can put up with it .. I needed to hear that !

A MUST WATCH. BRAVO. ONE OF THE BEST VIDS ON HERE

We ALL needed to hear this. Thanks Thais ☺️ always got our best interests at heart 💜

"sorry, I'm choking" feels like a perfect analogy for an AP lol

@kozy15x

3 жыл бұрын

Real talk

This is one of the greatest self love videos I’ve ever seen. Thank you 🙌🏻 I’ve never thought of things like this in regards to a relationship or any relationship. Amazing. Great gentle reminder.

I loved your disclaimer on the real purpose to learning attachment styles. It helps because its true it did help me not take it personally learning about these things. Also true that I used the knowledge to excuse that behavior.

Thais is a genius. Thank you for this timely, sensitive video. It's exactly what I needed xx

This is the most important video I've watched of yours. Thank you for saying this.

Perfect timing thank you Thais!, This wasvthe answer l needed right now ❤

Thank you for clarifying we're watching such videos. Indeed what you thought was obvious wasn't obvious to me.. and to many many of us I'm sure!!!! Reminder of the 2 main reasons much needed.

Thais, thank you immensely from the bottom of my heart for this video! As I continue to heal and show up as my better (than before) self, I find myself being really drawn to the idea of getting real clear on what I want, need, and deserve. I also find myself feeling the “need” to have to take others and their styles into consideration. I see now the need is simply to depersonalize :) There’s this feeling of unease that never sits well with it when I feel “I can’t” speak on my own for what I need in fear someone else will run away. This is so reassuring that it’s okay to show compassion for others but NOT at the expense of our own happiness and peace. I can say with all my being and truthfully that I am so grateful for your work and mission of love to the world. This is so empowering to me as a person! (Maybe a video on “skating” and THIS would be incredible) thank you!! ❤️

Thank you Covid-19 for giving me time to become secure. Thank you Thais for these videos. 4:02.

@Stella-cv4mc

3 жыл бұрын

💖

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

3 жыл бұрын

what a great perspective to have during these times :) -PDS team member

Yea I can NOT deal with men who are avoidants.... They don’t mesh well with me (I am an anxious avoidant but a work in progress) In the past I’ve only ever dated men with a more anxious (co-dependent) attachment style, so they can reel me back in when I start feeling like I need to run. But I recently tried “dating” a guy who was an avoidant and even though the attraction was there it just wouldn’t work-I wanted him to run after me, he seemed to want me to run after him- and we just stay at a standstill. Its a whole lot of *nothing* and ended up being the most lonely “relationship” I was ever in. NEVER AGAIN! I wonder what drew me (subconsciously) to this one avoidant when I’ve never been attracted to them before?? It makes no sense to me.

Really glad to come across this video. I'll definitely subscribe. I've been personally developing myself thru books, affirmations, videos and spiritually. Met someone that I admire A LOT. But they're so emotionally unavailable. I've sked him about his feelings and he says he's interested and aware he's hard to read. Ive taken his actions personal and tied it to my self worth to him. Wow, this video helped me.to release a lot of emotional confusion that had me second guessing if I'm worthy of a relationship.

Thank you Thais! I am so grateful for your compassionate insight across all styles. You have really helped me see the human in other people, understand them AND claim responsibility for myself instead of label and blame. (I also shared your enmeshment podcast episode with my parents and had productive conversations since!)

Thank you for this awesome video and the reminder to come back to yourself and do your own healing work! A very important reminder not only for the personal development journey, also for each moment. So appreciate this!🙂💚🌿

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

3 жыл бұрын

Great words Linda, thanks for sharing :) -PDS team member

I always need a reminder to focus on myself. I'm still attached to a DA who disappeared a month ago and nothing I do will bring him back. I'll never have answers. It hurts. The frustrating part is I have no idea what in me is holding on. My conscious mind knows to let go. My subconscious is afraid. Him leaving was a gift of freedom from a shitty relationship and I haven't accepted it yet. Still obsessively hoping for him to come back :( don't know what to do with myself. I know it's within me.

@danielle6353

3 жыл бұрын

@@Alphacentauri819 Thank you, I appreciate that you took the time to share this. I needed that kind of guidance. I have hope ❤

@cheryl9269

3 жыл бұрын

Danielle, thank you for posting.... If it helps, you are not alone. I am a DA, and my AP (of 8yrs), ghosted me for 7wks before sending a very hurtful break up email. I realize now that the push-pull dynamic of this relationship became very toxic over time. Although we both studied attachment trauma over the past 10mths, and we made some improvements, we ultimately did not survive. Although I knew in my head this relationship had become toxic, my heart still bleeds and I am struggling to let go. I hope to hear something, then fear what I would say/do... then wonder why I care...then believe I must forget all of the fabulous memories, and focus on the bad to heal. I Need to imagine my life w/o the person / family whom I have loved for 8 yrs. Trying to focus on me now..and just joined this group. Programs may be helpful, even though I expect to remain single for the rest of my life after this. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@danielle6353

3 жыл бұрын

@@cheryl9269 thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you are going through that loss, it's truely a grieving process. My mind also goes in circles about if/when they'll ever say something and what my reaction might be. I should just give up hope. I would love to snap my fingers and it could all just go away. But we must be patient afterall. We are better off alone than in toxic relationships, that is for sure. I wish you the best

@SK-no2pp

3 жыл бұрын

If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, to mirror and tune into you when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them.

@shebutter3195

3 жыл бұрын

@Danielle did your DA ex ever come back or did you just end it? I’m dealing with the some thing my DA boyfriend excused himself from the relationship and I’ve never dealt with this before. It’s extremely painful when someone withdrawals from you.

Amazing! So glad I signed up for the PDS! This was me trying to figure my ex DA out... why?? Those are his issues, not mine... I can't let his actions define how I feel about myself! Love this video ❤

@kozy15x

3 жыл бұрын

I wish I was as smart as you

Wonderful video. Powerful advice. Thank you Thais.

It helps to rewatch your videos. They resonate so much. But I still need to do more with your personal development program.

What an excellent video by far your best. I just ended a 5 yrs relationship with a DA. I wasn’t feeling heard or seen. Got the courage & the voice to become assertive just end it

Oh wow, bingo. So much this. Excellent. Thank you.

You are sooo appreciated. I needed this today. 😭

I realise I’m afraid of commitment and marriage and spending the last year and change with a DA has meant getting close to love but never close enough for it to feel scary and real. It’s been painful, torturous but now that I’m coming out the other side, I realise what lesson I needed to learn from it. Thank you for the video.

And this is why we love you.

This is a great video. Thank you, Thais!

I am watching this video over and over again so that maybe I could take the lesson and move on. Thank you so much Thais I hope you achive anything you desire God bless you.

Thanks so much. I needed to hear this.

wish I saw this a few months ago, but I realized it was going nowhere eventually... better late than never!

the solution is in the problem itself. dismissive avoidant? dimiss them. avoid them. stay single. why complicate things when life could be simple. stop dating.

Really needed this message Thais. I think many of us do come here to learn how to do our own healing work and to understand how to navigate relationships with all attachment styles, but many of us are also very empathetic, almost to our own detriment, so it's helpful and offers relief to hear these reminders. Thank you for all that you do 🙏♥️

This point that u made not to excuse there behavior is so helpful

Perfect timing! Thank you so so so much😍😍

IM DOWN TO DO THE CHALLENGE! LETS DO IT!

Your best video yet.

@Thais, thank you so very much for posting this video. A few months ago, I went through a breakup with a man who seemed to be VERY into me, and told me numerous times that I gave him hope for the first time since his divorce. We both recognized eventually that he was not done healing enough to be able to give me what I need from a relationship (and I am also divorced, just a bit farther along in my process). We ended it, not badly, just with sadness, but despite my two calculated requests since then to communicate so we can find closure, he has instead ghosted me completely. In researching attachment theory, I believe he is a DA (and I am AP), so I know the head knowledge, but my feelings of “I wasn’t worth it to him” have been bombarding me for months. I have been trying hard to focus on what I need to address within myself, not figure out why he did what he did. Long story, BUT, know that your words that his actions and (lack of) response don’t define my worth was a needed reminder. Thank you 💜

@dclarke2179

3 жыл бұрын

As DA, I can't speak for all but after a break up and the other person calls me. I feel it is to use me as a emotional crutch. So I ghost them. If you go no contact with him for about 3 months , work on yourself. You can probably reach out to him again.

@maryfazio5383

3 жыл бұрын

@@dclarke2179 thank you for this information and for your vulnerability in sharing! The two reach-outs I made were written communication, one of which was a letter, and I tried to ensure I wasn’t dripping with bitterness and resentment in either of them. The last one was about 3 months ago, though the relationship ended (I thought mutually upsetting) about 5 months ago. I would feel so pathetic to reach out again now, as the lack of closure (and ghosting) brings up feelings that he is already over it and I meant nothing. There’s no way to know if this is true or not, so I am striving daily to work on myself and these self-worth struggles I’ve discovered are still so deeply rooted in me. Thanks again for your input on it 😊

@dclarke2179

3 жыл бұрын

@@maryfazio5383 It takes a DA a long time to process a break up. Work on yourself then try again. Good luck.

@maryfazio5383

3 жыл бұрын

@@dclarke2179 thank you again for the encouragement! Good luck in your journey as well :)

The same applies to platonic relationships as well I suppose. Nice video

Needed this! Thank you! 🙏🏼

Thank you so much for this one! So good!!?

Amazing video!

THIS!! Thank you for making this video, Thais.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

3 жыл бұрын

Glad you really liked the video! -Pds team member

This is one of the greatest self love videos I’ve ever seen. Thank you 🙌🏻 I’ve never thought of things like this in regards to a relationship or any relationship. Amazing.

Good video. I’m PA trying to make things work by convincing my mind of why things are with DA. Reason for this is because there is a young child I am trying to stay in the dynamic for. Listening to your video helps me to bare with what is going on in a different mindset now.

Thank you soo much.. Thank you.. 💙💙💙

Sometimes I wonder if you are reading my mind with the video topics! Thank you so much

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

3 жыл бұрын

haha.. PDS knows what the people want! - PDS team member

Thank you so much!!

Oof this video is 🔥🔥🔥!!

This is exactly what I've been learning from PDS (asking myself what I need/want that is making me choose certain things) and it's changed my life drastically... can't thank you enough!!!💜💜💜 Can we do the challenge if we don't have Facebook?

I needed this video a few months ago tbh smh

The girl I was seeing was doing work on herself which is why I was sticking around. However it was not about attachment styles but more so around general healing. When we met and overtime fell for one another, she was never ready for a relationship and withdrew but came back and tried her best until it was too much for her. Sometimes it felt like she hated the idea of being a bad partner, not showing up or being late to dates but she still tried and even planned them even if to replace them with a call when it seemed she felt overwhelmed. But I have to hope she actually cares about me enough doing work on herself and pray she is able to change and open her heart finally. She said she can't feel romance or the idea of a romantic relationship, her issues are so deep but she tries so hard. I just hope she can do the work. But for now I have to get my act together too.

@rp3741

Жыл бұрын

Update?

@RJ-zt4of

Жыл бұрын

​@@rp3741 What happened was a game changer for her. I reached out after 3 months no contact. It was the most painful and difficult but beautiful experience. Imagine knowing you have found the one for you but somehow she can't even allow herself to feel it. My gut told me she was finally processing her feelings, her goals, her pain, everything. At the same time I am working deeply on my attachment. I reached out and she blew up with positivity. I asked her "what have you been reading". Without prompting her, she said "book on sleep and another on attachment styles" - i felt the universe was speaking to me then. Everything I had hoped for without asking. This situation made her examine her attachment issues she was blind to, somehow. From there it has been slow but beautiful. Hot and cold no more exists. She takes ALOT space, but is vulnerable and loving with me and open. She is no longer dismissive. It has been one of the most beautiful things i feel someone can experience to love in this manner. To find someone who you heal with, where love breaks down all our fears and allows us to see ourselves deeper through someone else peeking into you. We have been between cities and it has been hard, she is still overwhelmed at times, it is not a quick fix and I do not expect it to be. I know there will be tough times but I wake up everyday grateful, optimistic, and in love :) I must never abandon myself for anyone, and this experience reminded me that. Healing my anxiety though this situations was god's plan. Bringing us together again... if its meant to be, it will be. But you both have to do the work.

@sabrinadina9197

Жыл бұрын

This is a beautiful story You are truly a gift to her by being so loving and strong

@RJ-zt4of

Жыл бұрын

@@sabrinadina9197 thank you so much. It is definitely not easy. Right now we are long distance. She has been waiting for her visa to reenter my country after changing jobs during the summer. As you know DAs are defined by their career and this time not working has def impacted her and led her to take space. She’s shown signs of depression and low self esteem but battles everyday to remain positive: going gym daily, travelling locally in her country of origin to see friends where she could, even starting her own consulting business while she waits for her new job. I give her support, time and show understanding. At the same time she offers me a sense of peace and independence that I always lacked. As I am a child of abuse, but now an ambitious entrepreneur her presence calms me, centres me, she brings me peace. Because of her I wake up daily to meditations she advised. I take daily walks. I have limited my phone use. I made up with my sister I hadn’t spoken to for 2 years. Just because she was calm, listened to me, and supported me. She didn’t judge me being an anxious, high energy go getter. She saw me as I am. As we all are. We have high and low energy. Light and dark. I want people to not just see I am ‘tolerating’ her, but as a man; she’s helped me find peace and also my own self love. I believe in her as she believes in a healing journey and constant self growth. As do I. I’d describe her as now no longer “dismissive of love” but still harbouring “avoidant” strategies for soothing. She can be extremely communicative at times but then can retreat. I have learnt to not take this personally, and she comes back when she’s ready. We recently went over a week without her texting or calling as her visa now came through and after months she can atleast finally start her new job remotely (before moving over when she is ready). Thais taught me in stressful situations like job problems/changes/career milestones, DAs take space as emotional bandwidth is limited. This is definitely applicable to her. There’s been times when I’ve seen her emotionally drained and she can barely talk bless her. I had to swallow my anxiety and fears, it was really hard. “Maybe I’m not a priority” all sorts went through my head. But I focused on my work and tried not to take it personally. I knew it was hard for her to reply to my long text exchange now she’s overwhelmed so I was going to ‘reset’ the conversation. I didn’t send the message. At gym at 8pm, before I could send it the message, I get a simple text yet meaningful from her…“❤️”. To me it’s all she could muster having started her new job meeting new ppl, overwhelmed and drained as she always puts but she still sent me love. She used to run away completely. She followed up saying she’ll be back to me very soon. 😊 And she did. Slowly she’ll activate again but I get her. And I use this time to work on myself and my business. I don’t even feel anxious. Last year she couldn’t think to be truly vulnerable with me. I don’t like to dwell on the past but our ‘break’ came with her work stresses conflicting with my demand for more time together/closeness. Additionally what she insinuated many times was she numb to love (what I think was dissociation). To express romance to me was very hard for her. She used to tell me she couldn’t feel emotions. She now texts me “I feel so down”, “I’m so grateful and thankful for you”. I realise this isn’t the love everyone can endure. I believe however it is possibly for ‘earned secure’ people to emerge from insecure attachments together, through union. It is slow, there is no certainty. But if two ppl can grow not only from being with one another (her seeing she can trust love from ppl) and also by being apart (me seeing I can find inner love by myself), I believe it can be truly special. God willing we are on the right path. She’s on her way back to my city soon too x thank you for your kind words too. Used this as a sign to purge a little and update

Thais what course do you suggest to take that would go along with this video?? This is exactly what I struggle with.

Yeah, but what if they're not meeting up with you because you've triggered them and the see you as "unsafe"? Do you give it a certain amount of time? I triggered her because said things that probably threatened her sense of independence. At the time I didn't have the slightest clue about attraction styles. By the time you learn, you've already triggered them and they're GONE!!. For 3 months everything was going great...I said one thing she didn't like and she bolted. She ghosted me for 3 weeks and then she wanted to talk. She suggested we start the relationship over from scratch. Since then she won't take or return my calls and she'll respond to my texts in a very flirty way, referring to me as honey, baby and sweetie and says she's looking forward to getting together but she won't initiate contact and she won't actually commit to meeting up. I know she's breadcrumbing me, but why go to those extremes? I just went silent again.

I see. So what are ways we can communicate with our DA partners that allow them to feel more secure with us? I've been communicating what I like and appreciate more and she seems to be responding but also a little scared also. It seems the biggest thing that scares her are things about the subject of attachment or a relationship, even though she told me she wants kids. It can be confusing, but I'm even keeled enough to be able yo take onboard what's going on and work through each step, it feels right, like it will be worth it.

@prettymei_

2 жыл бұрын

My da said he wants a family too but really values of being alone.

Sometimes you just need to give space to DA, ask for their concerns, listen and address their concerns without any form of critique when they open up about their feelings. Once all their concerns are answered, this will diminish any doubt of meet up and they should step up

I've been learning about AT the last couple of months and I have a question for everybody (avoidants input would be insightful) : Was I the only one in a committed/monogamous relationship with an avoidant, where he didn't want to spend time together often (at one point he even said he was ok with meeting once a month for a couple of days)? I find this super extreme. I understand the coldness, not being that affectionate, not saying "I love you" etc, but this one stills blows my mind. What is the point? Is this to "avoid" getting attached? to make you feel you're not a priority? or does an avoidant really feel "threaten" by spending more time with a partner? I just do not see the point of saying you want to be in a relationship and then putting these boundaries.

I was seeing my DA once a week - however always felt like I was annoying him because he always keeps himself so busy. And it wasn’t progressing. I felt like he was only giving me as much as he could. I think that was his best. I understand it’s so slow with them. He friend zoned when I asked for more And he said maybe someday we could be in a relationship. I felt strung along. We also were never sexual. Currently in NC because I cannot be just friends. And was tired of always trying to make a date with him. Did I do the right thing to stop speaking to him? I do care for him alot

@TM-hd5iv

2 жыл бұрын

Almost on the same boat as you. Yes, best thing to do is walk away. You've offered enough and showed as much support/understanding as you could. If they still aren't willing to compromise then they're emotionally unavailable.

@warriorprincessphl

2 жыл бұрын

Same boat too … absolutely exhausted mentally. I can’t live like that; I’ve given it 2 yrs already and finally doing the NC.. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s driving me crazy to be stonewalled. I wish him the best; he prob thinks I’m being dramatic 🙄

@jjc2323

2 жыл бұрын

Update to my story. I found out he was still in contact with his ex fiancée. She lives close and they see each other often. I believe he is still holding on to her. Wish I would have known earlier. We are now just friends but it’s awkward. And I think he is back with her or trying to be. Actually saw him last evening. But he was helping me with my car. I have now moved on since he told me to date others. Just take them off the pedestal and simply move on. These connections won’t go anywhere and just hold you back. I’m finally done and releasing this. Don’t chase. The man must chase you. 80/20 rule

@TM-hd5iv

2 жыл бұрын

@@jjc2323 Period. Glad you conjured the power to move forward

2:30 3:58 5:05 5:45 6:53

While this is valuable info, I don't think it really matches up with the title, and that makes it seem like you're providing a different type of information than you actually are in the video. I would rather know exactly what is going to be presented based on a revealing title.

i think he might be a DA. but i'm not sure because he's shown himself to be quite secure during the beginning of the relationship. i feel really sad right now because he ghosted me and i really don't know why. i do know that he's been busy and overwhelmed with life in general but other than that he barely shares any of his inner world with me. now that i think about it he barely does share any of his inner world with me. it's sad to think that this one might end because i feel like we share a lot of the same values, goals, and dreams. it's a shame he's been ghosting me. i tried to ask him if he wants to end things today but it's been hours, and as usual, he isn't replying to me...

Yep. This has been me for 6 mo. With a DA, myself being FA. It was totally my thought that if it isn't personal, it isn't hurtful but lately, I feel awful w this person all the time regardless so........time to meet my needs!

@asher6047

Жыл бұрын

Exactly same here

What does it mean if he (DA) still texts and sometimes calls, is affectionate when I see him, but doesn’t set up any outings or dates? What should I do?

@EternalLove.1111

Жыл бұрын

Good question as I am in the same boat. What did u end up doing? I just gave up and let go.

@lilianamarques8242

Жыл бұрын

@@EternalLove.1111 I gave him space to do what he needed. But he kept texting and it affected me. I ended up telling him I couldn’t keep doing this and he did a total 180. We’re still together now.

Darn I wished I had known Thais earlier

Anyone have any advice how to treat at DA when he returns after month of silence?? How can I address it ?

@SK-no2pp

2 жыл бұрын

@@jnfrspears i wrote: I appreciate an equal give-and-take in all connections. It builds trust. No matter what you say or how you feel, it’s not going to change my love for you. You’re free to live as you please, it won’t affect my regard for you. However, what you do and how much you contribute will affect the time/effort/energy I return. There is radio silence for months and I haven’t seen you in years, I suppose we’re not on the same page. Is there anything I should know? And all I got was “I suck as a human” he made no real effort but still continued to randomly text me crumbs. I can’t tolerate it anymore.

@rp3741

Жыл бұрын

@@SK-no2pp Any update?

@SK-no2pp

Жыл бұрын

@@rp3741 we’re basically in no contact now. He came back told me he loved me but then shut down.

A huge thank you for ur efforts dear. I just want to ask does the dismissive avoidant tends to be a player in a relationship?

@akame5026

3 жыл бұрын

@GG T87 thank you friend. Wishing you a healthy healing journey. An AP on the same road here 🙂

Is it fair rn to expect people to meet up during the pandemic?

@MSG66

3 жыл бұрын

My indicator was that the other person was socializing with other people regularly, so Covid was not an excuse for them to not meet up. :Probably still not wise to do it, but I couldn't help but take that personally.

- 4:12 This 🙏🏿

100%

If we're not here to excuse them, why are we here? It never works with avoidant people. THEY AVOID EVERYTHING!!

@dclarke2179

3 жыл бұрын

You should do a video about the billions of avoidant people you dated.

@xyz-xw7ye

3 жыл бұрын

@@dclarke2179 :) maybe I will

@osml2.0

3 жыл бұрын

by the time you fully realize this....is when it’s probably time to go. Romanticizing change that may or may never happen is over.

@sushisam3010

Жыл бұрын

​@@dclarke2179hahahahahaha ❤

Is he a DA or does he just not ever consider how his actions affect me? Trick question, he's both. Ditch his ass.

Interesting question. Make them. Force them. Beg them. Sorry, I don't understand why you want to meet someone who doesn't want.🙄

So I ended it four months ago out of self respect. As you see below I was in the friend zone. So about a week ago I asked her for one of her recipes to which she replied with a video. Happy with that. Much too quickly - four days - much too quickly... I sent her a photograph of my cat nicely perched on a cushion gift she gave me for Christmas. To which I got this reply. "Andy I wld appreciate if you wld refrain from sending me anymore texts. I am trying to move on from this painful period in my life and it does not help when you approach me and text me. Your wish was to end our friendship and I have honoured that and I only ask that you allow me to move on. Thank you." Well I'm privileged that she admits it has been painful for her. She's an Avoidant and I'd been feeling ill treated for a long time. I actually felt she had done all but dump me. I think the best thing to do is to leave this for a few weeks even a month or so and come up with a reply. The question is... what reply. I love her dearly and have immense compassion for her. Stick around for further installments.

@rp3741

Жыл бұрын

What happened since?

@asher6047

Жыл бұрын

What’s the latest instalment

@EternalLove.1111

Жыл бұрын

Did she come back?

Its like they are a puppet for their demon! They want love but their sickness say Nooooo!!!!! Hey all avoidant just fight your demon because if you dont its gonna bring more ! You avoidant going to die alone! Just saying!

Get a dog. A rescue.

🎯