Is your spouse stonewalling you? Have you been stonewalling your spouse? We would love to hear your stories if you can relate. ❤️

@tatina5617

3 жыл бұрын

My wife ask for a separation two months ago I’ve been hurting and feeling alone she now has been sort of aggressive on shutting me out we have been together for 15 years I miss her so much I don’t know what to do we have three kids I’ve been feeling she has been more progressive and not wanted to have anything to do with me please help

@littlemisstwiggy4529

2 жыл бұрын

@@tatina5617 I know the feeling, so sorry for your pain. Trust in God is what gets me through. No word from my husband for two months. He is cheating using drugs & living with the other woman. God bless you

@tatina5617

2 жыл бұрын

@@littlemisstwiggy4529 thank you so much I’m also sorry for what you are going through we will make it through this I’ve had good support from friends hopefully you have friends and family that are there for you I will keep you in prayer 🙏

@marcusg9294

Жыл бұрын

Personally I find myself stonewalling when I feel emotionally overwhelmed in a conflict and everything I say makes the argument worse. I'm at a loss to know what to do and all I'm doing is backpedaling which is negative

My husband likes to shut down. Then I shut down. We don't talk and I build resentment towards him.

@RitaRMehia

4 ай бұрын

And it is so difficult to walk back from that resentment.

Can we talk about how stone walking causes an emotional reaction or panic from a partner and the the stoner then blames the emotional reactor for more stuff and validates his emotional abuse and neglect of the relationship and his partner. (can be her as well of course)

@eurekaelephant2714

Жыл бұрын

Yep. Such a central feature of an abuse dynamic.

@gracehuckeby1975

Жыл бұрын

Mine is being the same way.. I don’t know what to do anymore and he’s gone…

@jrod1591

Жыл бұрын

I definitely felt that panic and it made me react way more negatively. When they would it would make me feel insecure like they were going to leave me or something or that they didn’t want to be with me anymore. Especially if it happens for days at a time. Made me feel extremely anxious.

@wmiller7208

Жыл бұрын

Sometimes they need a walk. Renew yourself so when they come back it doesn't feel like they came back too early. Two-way Road. If you were always upset when they come back who is the abusive one?

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

Yes

My ex wife in a nutshell.i was blamed for the break up of our 28 year marriage, but she did this for years.

My partner does it all the time. When a disagreement occurs, he goes out, he says this is his way to soothe himself but it really doesn't help to resolve issue😞 Thank you for the course.

@lynnw7155

2 жыл бұрын

Mine also did that a lot. He'd leave and NEVER come back to the conversation. It wasn't asking for "time to process"; it was a way to avoid the discussion. If I'd bring up the subject again, he'd tell me I was "beating him up".

What if they never follow through? They pretend like that conversation didn't happen

@eurekaelephant2714

Жыл бұрын

Thats quite likely emotional abuse.

Looks like I was stonewalling. And I thought I was avoiding yelling and screaming matches.

My spouse would do that all the time. Walks out on me when we are having a discussion and after that we wont resolve anything.

Kimberly, been watching you for years. Value your advice! Your hair style looks great!

These is the reality in our marriage : ( There’s is almost no conflict we can talk openly about cause my spouse feels attacked, I’ve tried all ways possible, I need to talk about the situations that cause conflicts or discomfort, and search together for a way to make things better but now I don’t even wanna try cause it only brings me deep sadness, anger and frustración. Don’t even want to talk about them anymore.. I also need peace .. what to do? Thanks so much for all you do trough your programes 🙂

I stone wall my spouse, because he moves from 0-100 in seconds, the arguments then just goes on for hours with just him taking control of the heat arguments and constantly goes on and on and on, the worst part about it is the conflicts are often unresolved.

@lovejoy3307

3 жыл бұрын

This is me. I have to stonewall him because he isn't safe to be around when he doesn't like something I say. I know I have done things wrong as well.

@jcedison1341

2 жыл бұрын

Jo-Dene, i definitely thought I was only one in this situation. He's narcissistic, so stonewalling is my way to keep myself together ❤.

@maksenDK

2 жыл бұрын

Good luck with that.

@ducksu_6243

Жыл бұрын

sounds toxic

My wife would always point out my flaws would say I don’t own my mistakes and I don’t know how to communicate. I always felt there was something not right how it was always me. Then I learned about narcissistic behaviors, stonewalling, etc and how she did all that. Whenever I try and tell her about these things and what she’s doing and how it’s not ok it leads to her telling me she’s done and wants a divorce. It hurts but all I can do is laugh because I know now it wasn’t always me.

So, my husband served me w divorce papers then later said, “I didn’t really want one but it’s what I had to do to get your attention.” Speechless and angry. He has stonewalled me for years and I cry my way back. This time I was done and accepted the divorce, which is when he admitted his intentions. I had nothing left. One year later and I am trying bc I thought he was sincerely trying to be more aware and take responsibility. In fairness I also began to just be dismissive and aloof after I was served. Now, I go to visit a friend out of town and avoided telling him my plans bc if I plan w friends or family he stonewalls me. I gave it a shot and told him my plans. Now, he won’t talk w me and it will likely be weeks. The danger is that we are separated and this just pushes me away. I’m past midlife and I’m exhausted living this way. I love him, but I definitely do not have romantic feelings at this point. Stonewalling is a slow death in all areas of relationship. Sigh.

My problem is my husband just does NOT deal, it's always excuses to avoid whatever it is...this has been going on for months WITH it increasing and nothing is getting solved ...to the point where he no longer says I love you, have sex, kiss , hug ....please help!!!!

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

Alicia I'm in the same situation and i feel like I'm going to lose my mind because nothing gets resolved ever

You nailed it. It's nothing but powerplay.

I do this because I am tired. The gaslighting makes me not want to talk no more. It’s exhausting!!!

When I stone wall it’s coming from a place of fear, I feel I physically can not speak and justify or explain my actions without judgement or criticism. If it gets thrown back in my face and I’m made to be the problem I don’t see a need to speak at all and at that point I literally can not speak. 4:08

When the other person will not hear your side and will not comprise, you give up, then they say you are stonewalling.

@sonamteotia2663

2 жыл бұрын

How can other person not be hearing your side when they keep asking you to sit down for a conversation, and together come to a resolution. Yes, if you keep rejecting their demands and stay conflict-avoidant, they will be filled with resentment, frustration and anger, it will then become this toxic cycle- the Stonewaller will stonewall even more and other partner will try harder to approach.

@mugrad25

Жыл бұрын

@@sonamteotia2663 hmm doesnt always go like this

I disagree that stonewalling is always a chosen way to hurt someone else. I don't think my husband intends to stonewall. I approach him gently, I sandwich good and bad into the conversation, and I give him time. Yet, he rarely communicates in a conflict. Is there a different issue here ? He always appears extremely hurt by any conflict, yet does not contribute.

@TomorrowisYesterday

2 жыл бұрын

Also, it matters if this just started, or if it has been happening since you met, or if it’s episodic, or what. That’s a problem I have with some of these types of videos. People come in all different shapes and sizes. There is no one-size-fits-all approach.

@tiffytoo

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like your an empath sis look that up. He's showing signs of narcissism.

@TchallaUduku

Жыл бұрын

Empath/ and Narcissistic labels on people are played out. It just does more damage. It a tendencies and we all have both. Individuals doing this should take a step back and say is this truly this person to the core or is it a tendency. There are really narcissist to the core and same for empath, but most times it’s just tendencies.

I'd just like to say I've never stonewalled to get back at someone or to get even or make them mad. I do it because it's safe because I've probably opened up and it's coming back at me like a hurricane so it's easier to just keep my mouth shut when I know why I say won't matter in the end

Shutting down because you have previous trauma should not be demonised with words like stonewalling and the description in this video. Some people don't do this as a manipulative response but rather are overwhelmed completely and their brain can't process while being artacked

My wife is a stonewaller she doesn't want to admit to cheating

My husband constantly stonewalls but he will not come back to the conversation. We’ve gone to counseling and one of the counselors was a Gottman trained counselor but he will never say I need one hour, two hours or two days. I have changed the way I respond and make sure I am kinder and speak differently but there is no change on his end. In fact he has gotten worse. He will stonewall and give the silent treatment even when there is no disagreement or no one has been upset. Well maybe he’s upset about something. It’s really hard to know.

@dkgnew

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like he doesn’t like you, and see you as a friend for some strange reason…if You see each other genuinely as friends the tools will work.

@Lauren-vd4qe

2 жыл бұрын

why bother spending any more time or energy on a dullard; move on with your life; ignore him; get a divorce...

@diane2413

2 жыл бұрын

@@dkgnew if this is how he treats a friend, I feel sorry for his friends. However, I know he treats his friends better than he treats me and my children. I had asked him at one point to pretend I was someone he liked and to treat me like that.

@Lexilea68

2 жыл бұрын

@@diane2413 How very sad. I know how this feels. To feel not liked for what other explanation is there. I told my husband friends don't even behave this way. Very unkind. Divorce has been a consideration for me. I see the future. And, it will not change for the history proves it.

@diane2413

2 жыл бұрын

@@Lexilea68 also the stonewalling, silent treatment and negative attitude was not the worst of it. He would have a false front, a superiority, elitist attitude and insult, and put you down with arrogance and show such contemptuous behavior. He would be have in an emotionally abusive way and lean into conflict, trying to draw you into arguments, goading a fight and behaving in a self righteous and rigid manner, with a dose of victimization as well as having no ability to regulate his emotions.

Stonewalling is a relationship killer. This is my husband and my self's issue. Thank you for this strategy.

I have been in two separate relationships where my partner stonewalled for days and years. Hmm I think there comes a time to cut thing off with the person. Without communication there is no foundation

From a stonewaller's perspective, I can handle disagreements and im quite reflective with owning my shortcomings. Im generally interested in what people say and think even when I disagree. But i shut down when im unpredictably screamed and cursed at. My parents would just randomly start screaming and verbally attacking us. Because i couldnt scream back, i hid and so stonewalling feels safe in this way. It allows me to process my thoughts and feelings, why is this person treating me this way, my needs, allows me to calm down, and there is some satisfaction in knowing im driving the other person crazy lol. But maybe its calm down. I always try to come back and speak my piece calmly. Thats taken years to accomplish.. Anyway, i think stonewalling is a traumatic response/being triggered.

@kedzie8

Жыл бұрын

From what you described I think that's a healthy approach given how you were raised. And you seem to have enough introspection to continue to grow in a healthy way.

I wish I knew this long ago before the situation got way of hand with my partner to the point where he has walked away.. he stonewalled so much and I had the fear he wouldn't ever talk to me again when he would leave during an argument and I would follow him and go to his house and make him talk and it just got worse. He said I'm annoying and yeh i see that. Buy it was annoying to always be ignored and told he is done talking and then never resolve anything. Now he has walked away and I'm praying it can be restored somehow

@Lauren-vd4qe

2 жыл бұрын

why wd u want to pursue someone who doesnt want you? thats DEMEANING! screw him! get a divorce and move on with your life! theres plenty of people out there better than him. good riddance! quit being a puppy!

@sonamteotia2663

2 жыл бұрын

It isn't your fault. Nothing could be lasting with 'stonewalling'.

@eurekaelephant2714

Жыл бұрын

He sounds emotionally abusive. Try to get out of the relationship. Dont blame yourself for this. If he had of stopped walking out and been willing to come back and resolve things, there would be no avoider & chaser dynamic set up, which seems to be what happened from the sounds of it.

This is my husband now. He runs from any and all confrontations and gets frustrated when I tell him he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain by coming back to the convo, which starts new arguments and more topics to resolve , which can be even more overwhelming because builds up more over time, without resolving any of the topics needed to be dealt with..... Which starts even more arguments..

@ONEHENDRIX

3 жыл бұрын

Let me guess… he’s a Libra ♎️.

@SirSilentSquall

3 жыл бұрын

@@ONEHENDRIX Leo

@eileenfuentes6975

2 жыл бұрын

Shoot as a coincidence I'm a Libra and I like peace and balance. I'm always being stonewalled by my husband, a Taurus. But I don't think it has anything to do with astrology.

@cookiebun12

2 жыл бұрын

Has any method worked to resolve this? This action of the partner not following up frustrates me even more

@sonamteotia2663

2 жыл бұрын

I so get you!

4:00 - No. That’s rarely the case. People don’t shut down and “stonewall” when conflict arises because they want to piss off the other person, they usually do it because they are conflict avoidant. They are afraid of being upset. They are making the other person upset. They are afraid of what might happen. Often this goes back to big T or little t trauma from childhood. It’s pretty jaded and overly simplistic to say that everyone who stonewalls does that to piss the other person off. That’s just not the only reason, and I don’t even think it’s a common reason. It’s usually just a defense mechanism against anxiety. It’s as simple as that.

@aligolightly7359

2 жыл бұрын

I assure you my ex husband did it to both avoid him being upset and to get revenge on me. It was typically after being extremely defensive to perceived or actual criticism. He would then come back to create more conflict by blaming me for never talking about any of his concerns, in spite of me going to him during a calm time and asking him what he wanted to talk about; the answer was nothing and that I’m a perfect wife.

@TomorrowisYesterday

2 жыл бұрын

@@aligolightly7359 Sounds like a failure to communicate. He probably wants you to read his mind.

@Lexilea68

2 жыл бұрын

@@aligolightly7359 I agree it is both in my husband's case as well. To conflict avoid but mostly to upset me. I hope you are in a better place in life. I need to get away. I do not see my marriage ever improving. I would have never married a person like this. I believe this is all on purpose as he has hate for women, more or is mad inside taking it out on me.

@jak9934

2 жыл бұрын

I agree, stonewalling can be used as a reactive (tho unskillful) defence mechanism. When it’s used as conflict avoidance yes it may echo past trauma but it can also be defending (again unskilfully) against the approach of the partner. Responsibility has to be taken by both people in conflict resolution- it is a dynamic not a solo venture.

@er6730

10 ай бұрын

I agree. My husband stonewalls as a way of life. If he's aware of a problem, he avoids it. If I want to talk about an issue, he either "wants to think about it" but never gets back to me, or if I'm persistent, he brings up something unrelated that he's upset about. It's a defense thing, to make me hurt and back off or even withdraw to lick my wounds. (I used to fall for it all the time) When I was a kid, one method of fighting was like she describes, where I'd refuse to talk and just smirk at my opponent until I got punched, at which point I had won. I could tell an adult, or I could punch back, and either way my opponent would get in more trouble than me, haha! But that's not what my husband's doing. He'll do it to himself. A puddle of water, maybe because of a leak? Too stressful, won't think about it until it's an emergency. I think it's connected to anxiety. Avoid avoid avoid.

Probably the best vid you guys have done. Both my wife and i are both stonewallers!!

29 years of marriage and my wife has stonewalled for the last month and half. What now?

You will have to be able to detail the exact issue to be answered in writing. Because people who stonewall are scared and traumatized from something in the past which means they don’t have a clear vision of what is being asked of them because there filtering threw past fears and anxiety. If they do come back as agreed they will give you an answer more likely a defense statement instead of just answering the question openly honestly and vulnerable so that the conversation can be continued and discussed rationally and honestly…….

But what if the spouse absolutely doesn’t want to talk at all? Smart contact isn’t working because all the spouse does is ignore important messages. The spouse is in limerence with someone else. However, we haven’t spoken in weeks! Live as roommates in the home and any conversation about our marriage turns into him yelling at me and vilifying me. What do I do then?

@dkgnew

3 жыл бұрын

Key- do not be impatient. That’s the need to control the other person (which you’re probably both doing). My approach was always try to find Humor to lighten (not trivialize) the issue. We would imitate each other. Try this, have your Spouse imitate you and take turns doing what each did during the argument. If you like each other- this works to lighten things. Then speak as friends and say- let us try to find a solution… my two cents

@eileenfuentes6975

2 жыл бұрын

PIES, watch their vids on that. It's the acronym for focusing on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Regardless of the outcome, it's a win-win. Regardless you become a better version of yourself

@Lauren-vd4qe

2 жыл бұрын

serve him with divorce papers; what are u waiting for; dont b a puppy!

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

​@@eileenfuentes6975 thanks

Stonewalling is just toxic. A healthy relationship pause and resume

Is there a difference between stonewalling and just not wanting to be yelled at anymore? I never back off from trying to resolve things and gain understanding but, the other person’s emotions go from 0-explosive in a second. Honestly the volume of their voice/tone is intimidating and just escalating. It’s very tough for them to slow down, and they don’t seem to care when the kids are affected by the environment. When asking for a pause is impossible or it’s too late, it’s almost as though they prefer I let them have the last angry word. It feels like the only way to stop their aggression is to leave the room.

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

AK I think there is . For example if the partner actually wants to discuss a problem to resolve a situation and you get defensive and shut down then that's alot different than what you described.

When I am telling my wife what she did to bother me, she would say, "thanks for making me feel like an a**hole" and then she would go lock herself in the bathroom. Is that stonewalling?

@sonamteotia2663

2 жыл бұрын

Yup. Stonewaller's are highly sensitive to any feedback. Everything is seen as a crticism. I had to keep telling my partner that I am not crticising him, it just a feedback made in an attempt to resolve something. If your wife keeps playing a victim in this way, soon you will either burst or feel like you are walking on egg shells. Trust me, I had to learn this after a lot of pain, this is classic stonewalling behavior. Just make sure that you say your part nicely, although even that would become impossible if this behavior continues. Then she will stonewall you even more and you will lose your patience and when you do it will become even easier for her to but the blame on you- you will look like a crazy one while she can play the victim. You will easily lose perspective if this goes on for way too long. Take care of your mental well-being.

@LALKRSKB24

Жыл бұрын

My wife wouldn’t even do that. Not one bit of accountability. She takes everything to the grave.

What if the person letting the other person they are having affair with interferes.

My wife just says all you marriage experts don't know anything. She won't even listen to this advice, as she is on the phone chatting with strangers right now as I'm writing this

What if it’s not passive aggressive but simply control, and a topic is always off limits, like forever?

@eileenfuentes6975

2 жыл бұрын

That is stonewalling. It is passive aggressive. It's a passive way to communicate anger, resentment or hostility (aggressive). It's a defensive way of communicating without communicating as a result of low emotional EQ. I personally believe a stonewaller is stonewalling themselves as well. Nobody "wins"( these people are usually controlling passive aggressive behavior and it's all about winning) and the issue gets bigger. They are holding you Hostage to their inability to communicate knowing it's making you suffer. Shutting down communication which prevents a relationship from flatlining. If one person chooses to make any topic or problem forbidden to talk about, that is putting up a wall, isn't it?

@sonamteotia2663

2 жыл бұрын

@@eileenfuentes6975 Yes, it is.

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

Christiane has it gotten any better?

My wife is stonewall but some of professional need to stop giving brief definitions of how people act because a person will comeback to these conversations and more conflict by wanting things to go there way and then you back in them

I just learned im a stonewaller. Ooops. I just didnt. Want to lose my cool and say mean stuff. When feeling attacked.

My husband stonewalls me and if I continue to try to discuss or argue he becomes violent and beats on me then says I told you to shut up learn to shut up. SO IM NOT ALLOWED TO QUESTION, have my own thoughts or feelings. He tells me all the time that’s not true and I don’t want to hear you say that again.

@raniadavid4007

2 жыл бұрын

That’s control and abuse,, leave when you can. Cuz it will get worst

@lilyroberts8080

2 жыл бұрын

GET OUT PLEASE!! This will never get better!

@eurekaelephant2714

Жыл бұрын

Hes emotionally abusive. What hes doing is domestic violence. Not all of it is in your face, most of it is subtle control that you cant articulate well in the beginning. My heart goes out to you. Best thing is to talk to a trusted friend and a domestic violence counsellor and dont let yourself get isolated. I know you love him but its likely he wont change. All the best, you are not alone.

Oui parfois je vous dit il y'a certaines choses ce sont des choses tres individuelles fondamentales ont réglé à notres manières autant pour moi sans faire entrer personnes ces problèmes je doit la géré à moi seule avec l'aide de dieu j'aurai toujours la force de manières extrêmement important car dieu est ma protection divine merci a bon entendeur salut

You can deal with critic better than a stonewaller

Stonewalling is caused by disrespect and constant arguing. I only talk about the important things in my life with people who know what I’m dealing with. Who truly listen. People who understand that I am not stupid.

@sonamteotia2663

2 жыл бұрын

You are a stonewaller, Sir. This comment was enough to know. Own up to it!

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

​@@sonamteotia2663 haha get him

Sometimes we just need some space and have no capacity to continue the argument. We need space to calm down. This is a form of self-preservation. We don't have to continue the argument if it's hurtful. Especially if they give you the same blaming b-shit. It's not about needing to process, it's about not allowing the other person to feed on your upset, tears, etc. I find the speaker not understanding this.

@er6730

10 ай бұрын

Needing some space or "I can't talk about this anymore now" isn't stonewalling, as I understand it. It's the refusal to come back to the topic, and getting angry when it's raised again. Taking a break is healthy. Ideally you'd come back to the topic again yourself, but giving a time is also fine. Like, "I can't talk about this anymore. I'm going to take a walk to clear my head and you can ask me again when I get back." 👍

No what you really need to say if you our stonewaller stay out marriage but you guys a single solution for this problem and don't pretend to this borderline narcissist

Passive aggressive sounds to me like an oxymoron. Enough is enough is a better way to look at a time out.

D

@eileenfuentes6975

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, the D lol

Stonewalling IS ABUSE

@grantcorbitt9517

Жыл бұрын

Yep

Guilt

If y’all really wanted to help people, you wouldn’t charge them anything. Such a shame, especially during the pandemic. I don’t trust people who only give part of the advice and then in order to get more information you have to pay. Yes you provide a “free” mini-course but then you are pushed to pay for more. It’s passive aggressive….

@sonnyh9774

Жыл бұрын

They have to make a living too. Why should they spend all the money and time to educate themselves and not be able to pay their bills. All the information is out there for free if you will get off your lazy tail and go get it. Studies actually show that when counseling is given for free, it is generally not appreciated or followed, but when it is paid for, then the counsel is followed and used more often, so it is in your best interest to either pay for it or go get it yourself.