I 100% agree that social media is helping 'over-diagnose' people as having personality disorders when it could be a matter of being human and dealing with conflicts and different viewpoints, rather than abuse and trauma. The words 'narcissist' and 'gaslighting' get thrown around so casually and cause a lot of unnecessary estrangement when in reality things can be worked on.

@phoenixrisin2269

3 ай бұрын

Things can never be worked out with an NPD or borderline. You’re delusional

@johnnamkeh1290

3 ай бұрын

Especially the gaslighting thing because it implies intentional malicious intent from the other while promoting a status of victimhood. It's the thing people want to believe about the other to avoid all responsibility for your own part in solving an issue.

I have come to realize having good networks and connections to people is one of the most important parts of life and essential for mental health. I have experimented with isolation a number of times and mental health deteriorates fairly quickly. The whole "Lone Wolf" mentality sounds pretty badass but in practice it just makes people strange and at the end of the day, other people don't care and will just avoid you - which may be your goal anyway. But without at least a few reliable friends, you will slowly go insane. Yes, say no to people and things and cut people out ruthlessly if they are bad for you, but don't drop people at the first sign of trouble unless you know for sure. I have met a lot of people over the course of my life that I initially thought I should avoid that turned out to be great.

@eshaverma07

3 ай бұрын

This is so underrated. Thanks for pointing it out. Loneliness doesn't see gender, age or number of people you're surrounded with even. It's a mentality that just spirals down.

@user-pt4hb2bg5u

2 ай бұрын

Dialog is the key. It's the reason why therapy is what it is. Dialog. Communication. Sharing ideas and emotions. Changing is growth. Dialog is growth. Please never forget it

Yep, vulnerability has gotten me rejected. It really sucks. Because you're already vulnerable. Then it's just like salt in the wound. It's beautiful when vulnerability leads to something stronger. But when it doesn't, boy does that hurt. It can be very hard to stomach.

@mrcsrkcrz

3 ай бұрын

At least you know what you feel is real. And it's a high risk high reward type of situation, that's why being "vulnerable" to strangers on social media is not really vulnerable, there is barely anything important on the line.

That part that "therapy is not always about the past" hit me. I admit, I sometimes do the "if someone did not treat me this way, I could have been better" thoughts but I can still do something on my present situtation.

I absolutely love this interview. I love how you both touched on rupture and repair being one if the most important relationship principles there is. So many channels and groups are so focused on telling people to go no contact and cut people off, this has been the best video I have watched in over two years. Thank you is absolutely all I can say ❤

Great episode. Mark is so chill. Really gives the guest space to spit. Felt like two friends having a conversation. Agree heavily on therapy being about unknowing yourself and having to actually put the work in to make changes (rather than just complain week to week). Mark coming to KZread was a blessing.

Love this! I thought I was the only one who advocated this type of “self-help” by teaching people they are the Master of their Disasters and creators of their own detonators. So much gold in this discussion, especially in abolishing the age of the narcissist and gaslighters…When someone tells me they’ve been “traumatised by a narcissist, I turn it back on them and say “why because they didn’t behave in a way that YOU approved of? This is exactly why I wrote my memoir, “Never Let a Good Disaster Go to Waste” and a survival manual for the soul “How to Get Over Betrayal in 12 Hours”. I live in Vanuatu, a country with the happiest people in the world, in the most disaster prone country on Earth, so many wonderful lessons to be learned from them.

@wilvarosa9336

2 ай бұрын

Not gonna lie , you got me in the first half. But dismissing someone who was really abused by a narcissist aint it🫠

The prison bar analogy is so true. So often, instead of eanting change we want to be free from the judgement of not changing.

I keep coming back to this video because there is so much useful information packed in just one video. I have written lessons learned from this video on sticky notes as reminders every day. Thank you both for sharing this. By far, my favorite episode here.

I think one of the main things i got out of therapy is that the road from understanding what you need to change to actually having that change integrated is a very long road. 1. its difficuly to change but not impossible. 2. The reason its difficult is because our brain doesnt want to change, it survived so far with its unhealthy coping mechanism and changing takes a lot of energy/effort that the body wants to preserve. 3. On a bad day your brain will try to fall back to the default unhealthy behavior, again, because yhats easier. When you start to recognize this and accept it (instead of blaming yourself: i never learn!) You will start to make progress

@dustanjhlady

3 ай бұрын

That's so frustrating that change is work

Truly insightful and self reflective information thanks ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I got two pages full of notes, thank you so much for this 💜

Great interview, great editing to keep it under an hour. Read her book awhile ago but the interview hit some points that are very useful and topical. 🙏🏽

I really love the podcast as a whole and this interview with Dr. Gottlieb was really great as well. I really appreciate the notion of incremental steps and implementing the information learned in thereapy in the real life. I listnened to it on Google Podcasts, unfortunatelly, it doesn't support reviews at all. I liked this part so much I decided to switch platform to give this review.

Great show! Thanks for making this happen, Mark 🙌

Fantastic Interview! I've been listening to Mark for more than a decade. Great work!

Awesome interview 😍 Thank you 🎉

This was great, thanks 😊

Beautiful insights and explanations about human responsibility and agency in working on mental health issues. Beautifully Organized by Mark like his Books.

43:10 I've been learning this the hard way... Unless you communicate with people, unless you try to work with them, they won't know they're doing something that's hurting you. Cutting someone out of your life is not a valid solution if you haven't made an honest effort at working things out with them first. My trust issues are overwhelming, but I also have a tremendous fear of conflict. And so I cut people out as soon as they start doing things I don’t like, rather than just saying 'hey, this is a problem.' The result has been extreme loneliness, and worse trust issues as I further isolate, because just plain human interaction has become daunting... I'm running out of people, running out of bridges to burn. Edit: Maybe I shouldn't generalize and say that it isn't a valid solution to break off contact, but a lot of the time it probably shouldn't be the first resort.

@summersalix

3 ай бұрын

Honestly, I think your method is healthier than giving someone extra chances, as most people aren't motivated to change. It takes a strong person to see red flags and do something about it, as cutting someone off quickly can save a lot of heartache. Obviously there is a balance here, and that can be difficult to figure out

@normang3668

3 ай бұрын

@@summersalix For me personally, there's a degree of arrogance and lack of self awareness or lack of self-honesty in the way I break off contact with people. Sometimes it's something small and potentially resolvable that is enough for me to write that person off and decide I no longer want to interact with them... I have a level of scrutiny towards others that I would probably think somewhat unfair if I was treated the same way. I don't think you have to give somebody many chances to redeem themselves in your own eyes, but you should give them at least one chance. If you're planning to cut them out anyway, you really don't have much to lose by saying 'hey, I don't like this thing you do. It's shitty and you should stop.' But maybe that's too awkward and uncomfortable for most people, and maybe we tend to see many personal relationships as disposable and replaceable.

@treasureandasong

3 ай бұрын

We just really need to work on rupture and repair a little better. But not everyone is going to be gifted with mercy, grace, patience but we certainly should be seeking it out in our own character to give to others.

@jrr4475

3 ай бұрын

You would have to have a lot of faith that people would be receptive to hearing what you think the problem is and be willing to work on it. I've been disappointed so many times. Also, I'm struggling to grasp the difference between communicating about a problem and making my needs known and how that differs from trying to change someone.

@summersalix

3 ай бұрын

@@jrr4475 those are excellent points u made. I have similar struggles and wonder if anyone has any insight that can chime in on those topics?

I got the most out of this idea of rupture and repair which gives me something I can do to help when I hurt people I love! Also this idea of boundaries being something that you do was helpful. The maintenance makes sense because I still do things wrong and being self-compassionate and feeling bad. The way she put it was very beneficial. I've been worried about the negative affects of therapy and this was very enjoyable thabk you.

What an amazing interview and info. Thank you both for this awesome work!

Amazing podcast Mark !❤

This was one of my favourite episodes. It was so rich in you could listen to it twice. ✨

11 minutes in & I’ve subbed already 🎉❤ great conversation 🙏🏾😴💯💐 wow loving this discussion 🎯👏🏽💪🏾💪🏾🌞😢🤲🏾🙏🏾💐💯

Great episode

A lot of recognition and refreshing insights 😊 I always cringe at the "look at me I am being sooo vulnerable right now on internet (for attention or to sell something, yeah right). 😅 I feel like I miss being really connected to people I trust - and I do not trust people easily. So I feel kinda alone. Rejection sensitivity is major for me. And now it hit me - bc of what you two discussed - that being lonely and closed off makes every feeling and thought and sensation a whole lot more important and big. You become very self-centered.. I think this age has a very big problem and it is disconnection 🙁 it is going to be only worse I am afraid.. We feel sad and empty, so we are gonna look for relief in our outside world - shopping, food, cars, watching series or other people on social, money, sex etc. We feel unseen and distrust people, so we are going to see therapists and coaches instead of having real talks with our loved ones. We want to explain why we feel weird and different from everyone else - so we want diagnoses or we want to diagnose other people.. Plus we really put focus on that everyone has to do everything in their own and when they dont manage to succeed in that, there is something wrong with them. We always lived in tribes - with every person having their own set of skills to help each other. Instead of being everything in 1 person. As you said it is not possible and yet we started to think like this.

@treasureandasong

3 ай бұрын

I just want to give you a hug because I feel like I got a hug from this video. You are not alone in your thoughts and I can tell by your words here this video spoke to you as well. Always look up regardless 💝

@elinek5470

3 ай бұрын

@@treasureandasong thank you that is very kind 🙂 the video was comforting indeed

@treasureandasong

3 ай бұрын

@@elinek5470 🥰

@Azurethewolf168

3 ай бұрын

Yeah, before the 60s we used to all live in extended families where it would pretty much function like a clan. since then society has gotten extremely individualized to where your expected to do everything yourself now.

I was going to tell my therapist I am feeling good and I will see her in a month because of some projects I am involved in and I was nervous about not "hurting her feelings". This episode came to me right when I needed it!

Looking forward to this one

Awesome insights

Great to see, Lori on here, Mark. Her book is a good read.

Good episode! I was waiting for her to finish her response at 13:37 though and it sounded like it was cut. Maybe not, but it sounded like there was more she wanted to say.

Very very helpful

Episodes are getting better every week. I encourage you to keep making such contents. I love how episodes are near 60 minutes and completely discussed the subjects.

Thanks for this great video, Mark. For the most part, I have stopped listening/reading about physical and mental health online. There are so many "influencers" with information that it is hard to discern fact from fiction or a mixture of the two. No wonder people have lost faith in science and facts and society is rife with conspiracy theories. Tons of medical doctors/nurses/nutritionists have resigned from their actual jobs in the medical field to work on their social media businesses and make a living off their personal opinions and unpublished research. It's difficult and exhausting to comb through it all and get a good understanding of health issues. So now I only make my old-fashioned doctor and therapist appointments instead of browsing on WebMD or psychology today to arrogantly self-diagnose or others. Besides, I've noticed that some mental health professionals use the DSM not as a textbook but more as a guide. They rely heavily on their professional experiences so it is a very nuanced thing and a layman like me naturally doesn't have that under their belt to fully understand and make judgments.

"That's not who you are, that's who someone told you you are." I think I knew this on some level, but it just clicked. I'm stuck in the, I know certain things I want to change, and where they came from, but I don't know how.

I love her definition of what true vulnerability is

I really appreciated listening to this episode. I found it at the right time. What I most appreciated is Lori Gottlieb's directness about some of the ways in which we fool ourselves. I had to laugh out loud in recognition at one moment. Good work and thank you.

I've really enjoyed the guests you've chosen so far, Mark. I'm finding the episodes very insightful. I loved The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman and Lori Gottlieb's book. I thought these episodes might just rehash the books but they didn't, the conversations added much more. Keep up the great work 👍 and thanks again!

As someone with an MA in Psych, one thing I always say is that psychological language is horribly misused and abused----can you imagine if we did the same with medical terminology? But for some reason when it comes to mental health words, we somehow get super hyperbolized

This was a great episode. I've seen all off them and this was the best, and I will be digging into Lori's work far more.

GREAT GREAT GREAT PODCAST

Just, amazing

Amazing episode, than you!

Really enjoyed this episode

Such a great podcast...I was nodding, laughing and saying ohh at different parts.

An interesting podcast I’ll listen to again Vs stoic resiliency and acceptance also comes to mind

Simply super

Great episode, great listen❤

Good book, good podcast. Keep it up the booth or you.

What about an episode about healthy nutrition and how ?

The best.

Great stuff Mark and Lori-I'm a CBT coach, and it's amazing when you see people's small victories week by week turn into big life changes...therapy can be a really amazing experience-thanks for continuing the conversation.

Own your Self ❤ Self ignorance is how we got there. You had no mirror in the places you struggle. Nothing is wrong. We are just missing pieces of our puzzle. Keep looking. Seek and we will find. You got this.

as a counselor, she's spot on

10:59 Help rejecting complainers. It serves them to be trapped/the victim. Ask them, “how can I be of help right now?” They might just want to be heard. 13:52 Defense mechanisms…there for a reason…they feel like they’re protecting us but actually they get in our way 46:35 Robert Glover quote. If our expectations are too inflated, we don’t tolerate others’ rough edges, leading us to rob ourselves of a chance at intimacy and leading us to isolation

DEAR MAN GIVE FAST has been helpful for me. Also, “Anatomy of a Breakthrough” which is a really good read.

Man, I love Mark. I love how honest and funny he is. I love his approach to life. I love his jokes. I love his books. I love his podcast. I love his newsletter. I just love Mark. He changed my life. And one day I will come to the U.S. ( which is my goal for this year) and meet him in person and thank him. I hope he doesn't mind hugs

On my best first date, she was early. Within five minutes, I knew she could read a map. That was 6 years ago. I married that magical woman. Great interview, Mark.

Well, I am following Mark since he started the podcast. I learn many useful insists from the podcast, thank you Mark.

Years ago, I was fortunate enough to encounter a psychologist who actually *cared* about me, and cared about what might happen to me. It made all the difference in the world. I miss her sometimes.

I really want to unpack "We marry our unfinished business" more.

I hope you collab with Dr. K

@Misslayer99

3 ай бұрын

Dr. K is one of my favorites!

When i opened up to people about depression Most of them said " You are sensitive" , " You are using it for attention" I just opened up because i wanted to let people know how i am feeling . I attended therapy the lessons i learnt are therapy is just hand holding after that i have to walk alone in my life . I want to be with people i once loved . Now a days everyone left me alone and treating me as a freak , a creep sometimes i wonder one who commit crimes gets better treatment than what i got . It takes a lot of effort which leaves me exhausted, experiencing wide range of emotions

Some people like to be active in the evenings, and that is OK. It's important not to get all judgmental and look down on people in your life who make different decisions from you. The goal of life isn't to be identical to our partner and their journey. You can be supportive, they can be supportive, without just cheerleading and copying them in order for it to be a healthy partnership. Peace.

I was talking with a male. I said "just because it's not normal doesn't make it bad " Those words had not hit his ears before. Simply communication. No personal intentions. Fear and shame are powerful control weapons. Like the baby elephant. How would you help the elephant? Do that for you. How would you communicate with the elephant that you want to help? How long will this take? Time does not exist. Elephants do not conceptualize time. They did not buy into this agreement. Do you understand what agreements you have been sold and those you researched and choose to own?

Just wanna add: to anyone who's ever been a victim of bullying / hate / violence because of their appearance, gender, orientation, race : DO NOT ever let a hateful notion 'there's something wrong with me' sink in. Trust me, it's a recipe for self hatred and compulsive anxieties later on. When we suffer and we need a break, it's only natural to think: maybe if I wasn't 'different', if I was 'normal' I would be accepted. No, haters will always find something else to prey upon. I've always had kinda androgynous look, which was a fuel for bullies when I was growing up. I embraced it, used it to my advantage in my acting / modeling career, I was almost the face of Leon in these new Resident Evil games :)

@Azurethewolf168

3 ай бұрын

You need help bro, stop coping

@InYourDreams-Andia

3 ай бұрын

right on! Seen some haters my end too, (Trans MtF) interacted with one physically once, yea I did take a confidence knock but then got back to my joyous self, oc with a thicker skin. Continuing to do great things in the music world, strength to strength!

@ArtemisSilverBow

3 ай бұрын

You're just proving his point. ​@@Azurethewolf168

@ArtemisSilverBow

3 ай бұрын

That's right. Haters will find something wrong with anything. Embracing our unique qualities is what helps us rise beyond the fray.

@Azurethewolf168

3 ай бұрын

@@ArtemisSilverBow this dude has mental ilness

We need Jesse Wellens on the show from Prank vs Prank! He’s got a great story ab losing yourself n relationship to KZread career

Those are big millions!

This is really high level therapy, the information here is just priceless.

Brooo like Brooo the best podcast.jajajajja i love the intros

Too much of ANYTHING is unhealthy... Excellent video... Totally agree 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👍🏼

@user-ie3mg8mc9u

3 ай бұрын

No it's not true it depends what you do with it, like food and money. Think about it. If you have to much money or to much food, what you do? You donate money and give food giveaway to people who have nothing! Get it, So if you think you have to much of anything, share it with someone, too much does not exist if you know what you have to do.You will make people happy and make the world better. What if you have nothing or just enough? You can't help anyone.

@drvishal2010

3 ай бұрын

@@user-ie3mg8mc9u I was talking in context of the video…u have a point but ur again thinking too much even for a simple comment . Peace ✌️

@user-ie3mg8mc9u

3 ай бұрын

✌@@drvishal2010

@user-ie3mg8mc9u

3 ай бұрын

You type the word ANYTHING like it's EVERYTHING. @@drvishal2010

39:26 true vulnerability

"relationships are about rupture and repair" looks like I've got the first part down😂

The comment about being surrounded by asshole was a line in Britt Franks The Science of Stuck 🤔

Hey Mark ur podcast really changed my view on the world Craving to get this PDF file

Was waiting for this collab.

Maybe you can talk one day to Alain de Botton from School of Life in Europe. He will have a strong defense of just talking about the past is the most important thing you can do. At least it has been my experience. I guess there are some differences in how american and european psychologists adress therapy.

It's simply Analysis Paralysis. My Dad is a coder and me engineer. I tell him the solution cannot always be perfect the first time that you need error to know how to deviate (improve)... A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Also therapy historically did not work for men as they are action achievement oriented.... I was also sent to therapy as if it would fix my views and it simply made me realize I was more comfortable talking about issues than the person that was forcing me to go. They could never give me a self Analysis of themselves and suggest improvements ..... Some people already have a wonderful first brain thought (being able to decide within the first 30 seconds). Personally therapy or advice works when you're open to freeform change and does not when someone feels they're fighting something invisible. Its really all in the mantra of perspective

Ever notice that when you're sad and feeling hopeless and overwhelmed that the kids will start bickering or doing something else that just pisses you off and you just become angry and start yelling? Which is less distressing to a child; A. a carer who is scared and unable to act in preservation, or B. a carer who is angry and doing something?

I can highly recommend the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. That book changed my life. It gives tools to change your habits and it worked really well for me. That book was one of the big personal breakthroughs I had to getting my shit together.

My brain is very complex and super smart. It told me so itself.

I am grateful for the Polish subtitles ❤

Lots of great points in this video. Funny enough half an hour before I watched it I was thinking about how everyone deserves compassion, but not always reinforcing compassion. Then I watch this video and she coins the phrase !d!0t compassion versus wise compassion 🤯 Also appreciate the points about vulnerability. I have shared my own story about having been diagnosed with autism, previously Asperger's, and ADHD on my channel. I shared some unflattering elements and traits and thought I was being raw and vulnerable. I was actually fearful that I would get made fun of and receive tons of hateful comments, but posted my first video anyway. I did quickly find that that was not the case and that funny enough people were very kind about it. That's a good thing In some ways, but I see how these reaffirming comments can perpetuate certain behaviors within social media in not such a good way. I think I understand the distinction between manipulative behavior and actually having something to lose, and you've given me a lot to think about in how I view sharing my own story. Thank you.

...this made me 1% happier.

I have never heard of the prevalence inflation hypothesis, but I am so glad that I did because I have been avidly trying to say the same thing to deaf ears for some time now just to have all these labels thrown at me. The most common response to this is that I'm just trying to deny that I'm a narcissist because narcissists don't want to admit that they're narcissists and will deny mental illness. And my response is always look throughout history and see all the subjective Outlook of what was considered mental illness of whatever time era, whether it was the witches in the 1780s, or the Antichrist during Constantine's era of Roman Catholicism, history is littered with trends of what we would call mental illness that is really just our organic primitive way of being that we now is a society are trying to evaluate ourselves out of and it's more detrimental than helpful. Maybe we really don't need to evolve the way we think we need to as a species.

Wow! This one is SO much better that the one with Abigail Shrier. Lori Gottlieb is the real deal and creditable. You might be getting some of your creditability back Mark, slowly.

29:55 rare to find such true words spoken openly these days!!

Why rupture and repair when you can just replace? I think too many of us view others as their function in our lives rather than complex individuals who are complicated by their environment. We're treated as consumables and that is dehumanising

Oh fuck, are you allowed to skip the epic intro to this podcast, oh fuck, they just did.

45:40 Thats the reason why i don't even have friends and have not talked a private word to anybody in almost 5 years. People have to bring sth. positive into my life, what sense would it make to spend time with someone who does not ?

Excited for this one, Mark! Thanks for putting this together

Next to Zou and Fimbles this podcast is probably the least neurotic thing that I can give some attention to

Sounds like therapy is like music or language lessons - you need the lessons with the teacher, but it's the work and practice that you yourself put in, in between sessions, that brings the progress!

Mental health being talked about more, and psychological terminology becoming more mainstream or trendy is not necessarily a bad thing. It just goes to show how sharing or being vulnerable about our suffering makes us feel seen, understood and loved. Seeking compassion and validation from community is always a good place to start from. The more people speak up (no matter how exaggerated their problems sound), the more we expand our capacity for compassion as a species, both towards ourselves and others, and then we can always come together to find better solutions to each generation's unique (or not so unique problems). True healing and growth happens in the full glare, participation and celebration of the entire village, when the afflicted is brought into the warm embrace of his fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters, and they weep together, sharing in the pain, the struggle and finally the joy of healing. Without judgement, shaming or invalidation. This is for the health and safety of not just the individual, but the entire village. For the unloved child will burn down the village to feel its warmth. Only when compassion becomes this unconditional can a society fully appreciate the constantly evolving nature of individual accountability within our collective responsibility/interconnectedness.

I think she's downplaying how common gaslighting and narcissism are parts of the human experience. People may not be clinically narcissistic, but there's probably an issue that's being with that blanket diagnosis. I agree people need to steer away from terms that have become stigmatized due to the overuse of them, but that solely because "narcissist" and "gaslighting" triggers people that would rather not acknowledge that they dismiss their partner or even lack the prioritization that the partner would like. I think the people using these terms definitely need to work on their communication, though

Great episode! Just a heads up, the number of copies sold shown at the start of the video is 2 BILLION, not 2 million haha

💚💚💚

Looking forward to this, but showing 2 billion and calling it 2 million books sold, has me on alert.

The way I see it when someone has a mental disorder I tell them take it seriously BUT! You are made special by God and that’s not a lie! I’ve come to realize “qwerks” are some of the most beautiful parts about them. For example a pretty girl I know has a little autism so she talks slower, gentler and so it was nice and she didn’t get into bigger problems(more chill)which is nice. I’m schizophrenic for example and I don’t like a few things sure but I talk to God and he shows me visions(my mind makes random odd visions and auditory hallucinations) and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t want to creep people out but I was trying to sell my souls to the devil and God jumped in and basically told me Satan is gonna trick you and I will make you a better guitar player and singer. Some of the things I’ve seen man😅I feel like a nom et explaining this but it made me who I am and it has its ups(more now than at the beginning) God bless! Have a good day you guys! :)