I appreciate that you mentioned that the style can shift in adulthood. A lot of the sources I've seen on this overly focus on it only being a product of childhood. As someone who developed anxious attachment due to adult experiences (in a much healthier place now, but it took quite a while), I can personally attest that adult experiences matter for attachment, too.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Amen.

@potterfanz6780

2 жыл бұрын

Same. I was gonna say that I'm securely attached, but then I reflected on an adolescent trauma and I think I did shift to anxious attachment as well for a while.

I think I might be a bit of an anxious and avoidant mix. With certain people I might become a bit needy (or overexpressive) and with others, even if I crave to have connections, I just can't seem to trust them to talk about what is really going on in my mind/heart. I'll always be there for those friends, but I won't be able to talk about what bothers me.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Indeed, it is sometimes easier to serve than to allow others to serve us.

I noticed I was a very avoidant type because I grew up very lonely, and will always be put down whenever I try to speak for myself. Indeed I did learn how to deal with my own emotions by myself. And whenever there are spikes of emotions from my parents, I never understood why, yet I was upset because it got physical, and then after a while they pretended like nothing happened. It was a very confusing time. After a bit, I found a best friend, one whom I can finally share my sorrows with. Not long after, she passed away when I was 16 due to an accident. After that I was very distant with everything in my life. I was truly very unhappy, but crave for connection. 5 years later I went to see a doctor because something bad had happened. I think that saved my life. I'm doing much better now :) Currently trying to fix my relationship with my family, having healthy connections with people that I care for, and I've allowed a special someone into my life again. A healthy partner that I've committed my whole life to.

What I got from my parents: certainly disorganized. But I am working with a therapist for over 2 years now, I am married to a man with a very secure attachment style who I can always count on, and yeah, with work and patience it changes for the better : )

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

I love your success story!

My ex is definitely avoidant when I'm mostly in the secure side,with a bit of anxious. It's really painful because I feel it's a big part of why we are not together anymore. I love him dearly but he doesn't realize how much walls he puts up and it's not very likely to recognize it or change. I hope he finds a way to accept affection from others, and learn how to comunícate his affection better. It's very painful to love someone and have them shut you down because they can't see that it's OK to stay instead of escaping Thank you Jono, you shed some light into my recent separation and I feel less alone because of it, and I'm learning from what happened and trying not to blame myself that much.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

You're very welcome. You're not alone. We're here for you. I'm so sorry for your pain.

@gabiluch87

3 жыл бұрын

@@MendedLight thank you

I was avoidant as a child and have grown to recognize that but this is the first time I’ve been given a word for it so thank you. But I am working on trusting others and learning my parents lack of presence wasn’t my fault 😊

I'm fairly certain I fall into the disorganized attachment style--my childhood experiences would back that up as well. I grew up in an extremely chaotic household with my primary parent (my mother who has SIGNIFICANT trauma). I never quite knew what would set her off or when--there were no obvious triggers--and outbursts would last anywhere from an hour to days. While she was married to my step-dad, the police had to intervene on a nearly-weekly basis. Otherwise, she was (and is) always incredibly supportive and loving and my biggest cheerleader despite everything. As I grew older I learned that she also actively struggled with suicidal thoughts and would disappear from time to time while she contemplated her options. My father's role is much more difficult for me to parse out. He was often quite distant, but not at the same time? Subtle with his love perhaps....he improved quite a bit after he had a near-death experience when I was in high school. He passed away 2 years ago and I am still reeling from the death as he and I were quite close--I am certain that is also making it more difficult to determine what effect he had on me. Anyway, to wrap this novel up, as an adult it has taken me years to even recognize and come to terms with my own behavior and patterns in conflict--especially in romantic relationships--and my severe trust issues. It makes more sense now why I seem to have emotionally worn out partners with my reactions swinging from anxious to avoidant and back again. My partner and I have been working really hard on communicating more readily and more clearly as well as practicing apologizing and expressing empathy in the hopes of demonstrating a healthy relationship for his daughter. I am currently working on: - Sitting with my emotions for a longer period of time so that I can calm down and clearly talk to my partner - Trying to remind myself to give my partner the benefit of doubt when anxious / to try to open back up when avoidant - Trying to work on trusting that the people that are around me and have stuck around probably do care I am also working myself up to attempt to try therapy again and trust in the benefits....that will happen one day!

I think I'm a mix of the 3, I get extreemly anxious in relationships because I guess I assume people will leave me and Ill be alone (which is the only thing im actually scared of) I definitely have the anxious one because of growing up with emotionally unavailable and very inconsistant parents (especially father), where the strongest emotion I remember from him was anger (he was the only thing other than lonliness that I was ever scared of, up until I got old enough and big enough to not be scared of him anymore) but that only left the fear and anxiousness. I learned to hide and ignore emotions while growing up, I suffer with clinical depression and realised I wasnt ok when I was around 15, went to my parents cos I didnt know or understand what was going on in my head and why I felt the way I did and was met with anger and condemnation, this happened a few more times as I didnt magically get better, until I realised they werent going to help. Ive dealt with huge self esteem issues my whole life. Now at 31 I am finnally accepting who I am, the kind of person I am and strive to be, but still have so many issues that effect my relationships that are hard to move on from and heal. I have since confrontent my parents and expressed everything I was feeling, which helped so much but it feels like so much damage was done that its never going to heal enough.

@kittimcconnell2633

2 жыл бұрын

30s can be an awesome time - you've really gotten a lot of information and learning. I hope you continue to get better!

Yes, you can choose to change. I was a very anxious distant young woman (there are some reasons, growing up had a lot of things that were more than a bit shit), and I got through my adult milestones on roughly a ten year delay... but I did get through them. I made friends with nice people who liked me anyway and were patient with my fidgets, and when I was ready I met a really good man to fall in love with. (Two kids later, we're still going strong. :-) )

Hey, I hear a lot about setting boundaries but no one ever talks about what they actually are or what healthy examples of boundaries are. I get the feeling that having a stable foundation of boundaries supports future growth but I struggle to nail down what they are but I know I need them.

@leahcompton2522

2 жыл бұрын

A boundary is what behavior or action you allow someone else in your life to do. You can not control others but you can control your part in a situation....for instance; my dad was bipolar. Sometimes he was NOT very nice especially with his words. As an adult, I refused to speak with him when he was calling me or my mother bad names or saying derogatory things. I would say "you're not being very nice right now. If you want to continue talking with me, you will be nice or I will hang up" . If he continued to say mean things, I would say, " I am done talking for tonight. I will speak to you another time when you're in a better mood." Then I would not speak to him no matter how often he would call that night. I would answer his call the next day....but if he was being mean I would do the same thing. He finally got the message. He also wasn't allowed to have my phone number for about 8 years and didn't know where I lived for a lot longer. He was never a handzie person really so I never really felt physically unsafe as an adult. But he was manic and I didn't want that around my children. You have the power to decide what is ok for you. Decided what you will allow in your life and say no to the rest.

@axoNNNessj

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah thats difficult when you are familiar only with your own boundaries, or not feeling deserving of treated any differently. I don't know, bit if I had to guess, I think ot would start with feeling, what bothers me, what do I like, what do I dislike, to get some clarity in your wants and needs and go from there. For me in relationships An important one I am working on is to be responsible only for my part, actions emotions etc, but not for the actions, thoughts and emotions of others.

@krysteldoudera4398

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Madeline! Here are a few specific clear examples of healthy boundaries I personally have implemented in my life: I will say "no" to invitations I feel resentful accepting. I will stop pretending that I am tolerant of a behavior or attitude that is intolerable to me. I will speak my truth respectfully. I will stop believing promises that are repeatedly broken, and believe the behavior rather than the words. I hope this helps you as you explore what it means and what it looks like to set healthy boundaries!

@cheyma1293

2 жыл бұрын

I can relate to that, even with general guidelines it's certainly something specific to each person to figure out on your own and it can be hard. I find them by taking the time to listen to myself - it often requires an unnatural effort of taking a step back and a calm time by myself. There I learn to recognize if something is bothering me/feels off, paying attention mainly to if I felt respected and appreciated. Then I search where it might come from (it often isn't a problem with the person themselves), and seek to understand it so I can come up with a solution where I can make that better for both. Most of the time, it is very simply about telling the person what I didn't appreciate and if I feel comfortable, why. Most of the time, it wasn't their intention, and can be solved very easily with just tweaking the way we communicate or act about it.

@MuricaTurkey

2 жыл бұрын

Sorry this is long, but this is a complicated subject. It's because boundaries change person to person, and vary depending on the situation. Generally, only the most basic of boundaries (ie Abuse isn't ok) are universal. Only you can decide what boundaries you need. However (and I say this from personal experience), when you're someone who grew up with chaos and/or abuse/neglect, you don't usually know what healthy boundaries are, or what boundaries you need. In that case, a good therapist is pretty much required. They won't tell you what the boundaries are (except the obvious, like abuse being not ok), but they're supposed to guide and support you enough so that you can eventually figure out your own boundaries, and communicate effectively and appropriately with others in order to respect their boundaries as well. I can't speak for everyone's situation or needs, but for me DBT therapy really helped. It's not for everyone, and there's some stuff about how they officially structure their approach that I dislike. But the skills themselves that it teaches were really, really helpful. But, in general, someone who has trouble knowing boundaries will likely be helped greatly by finding a therapist to guide them towards that goal. No matter the therapy style (DBT, CBT, etc). As long as the therapist makes you feel safe to discuss things, and helps you make progress, they're a good fit. And it will take a lot of hard work from you, but it's worth it. Hope this helps.

I think im anxious and disorganized with an avoidant partner. Hearing what you said was truly beautiful and I felt moved to tears. You spoke to the stressed out, lonely, powerless little girl inside me and I'm so touched. I laughed with my friend the other day when we both discovered we watch your videos and I told her I feel this affection toward you like we're friends and it's funny because we don't even know each other hahaha! You have a gift for making people feel seen, understood, and lighter. And you share it with the world. Thank you for that.

I grew up as Disorganized attachment from a bad parent... and an emotionally abusive marriage. But recently got the little test done again, and after confirming with my therapist, I'm secure now. I actually cried? It was such a relief, especially after suffering through a lot of gaslighting and being told horrible things that warped my perspective. I still have a long way to go, but I at least have faith in myself now.

Your pose in the thumbnail is fabulous, and I love it.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Well, thank you!

I've managed to go from secure as a young child, to anxious when I was a little older due to bullies, to avoidant after my grandfather died, to finally figuring out that I wanted to be securely attached again and over the last like 4 years have been trying to get myself as securely attached and as loving of myself as I have been able to manage. It's weird to think back on, but I'm happy where I'm at right now, so I hope I can continue on this path.

I am definitely anxious, with maybe a little avoidance mixed in. I grew up feeling pretty alone. Some of that is on me. I kept to myself and played by myself quite a lot. I attempted to make friends, but it never ended well and it just became easier to not try rather than feel the pain of abandonment. And while I was never beat up, I was certainly verbally bullied at school. I was the smarty pants teacher's pet. I lost my grandma when I was five. Looking back, I think it really affected me. I miss her even now and wish she was still here for me to talk to. I also struggled to connect with my cousins, who always seem to run or hide from me. Even from an early age, I came off as clingy and desperate. And then I lost my brother while in middle school. I completely shut down. I withdrew into myself, didn't even bother to socialize. The thoughts became "I can lose someone else if I try to connect with them and I don't want to feel this kind of pain again." When I was 19, I decided to try socializing again. I decided I wanted to date. I wanted connection. I was met with constant rejection. Now, 8 years later, I am still met with this rejection, and it hurts. I find myself wanting to give up. I don't want to keep putting myself through it. But I feel so desperate to find an honest connection. About two years ago, though, I had a really bad experience that put me in the deep end, and I realized I truly was not loving myself. I was relying on what others thought too much. Since then, I have been trying to have a better relationship with myself. I take myself out on dates. I try to enjoy what I LIKE, not what others like. I'm trying to just be more myself and more comfortable with myself. I'm trying to not let negative experiences influence my future decisions too much. I am trying to be more positive about myself and about future situations. I still miss my grandma and brother so much. I still struggle with socializing. I worry about myself quite often. But I am trying. I just wish the desperation and clingyness I feel was not so....overwhelming.

My childhood was pretty crazy. Not because of my parents, but because of our life circumstances and choices and honestly, the past 8 years as an adult have been pretty crazy, too. I think I’m in a good place, because I know that although romantic partnership isn’t really an option for me right now, I also know that I wouldn’t spurn love if it were to present itself, either. I know that I’m not a terrible person, I’ve just had a miraculous and somewhat isolating life.

I'm mainly avoidant, and some days, a little disorganized. I hesitate to call what my parents did was abuse. It wasn't fun, but I always felt like my parents loved me. My dad would get angry if I failed at something or got hurt, but that would mostly be expressed in yelling and for a short time. I could tell that most of the anger was directed at himself for not being able to solve the problem, and sometimes it was legitimate for him to be upset. I have a much rougher relationship with my mom, whose main emotional weapon is guilt. I hate how she attributes the worst possible motivations for my actions, lashes out at me when someone else has hurt her, and just constantly nitpicks at me and the things I like. It made me feel like a burden and that I very rarely did things right. It was hard to be motivated to do much or attach to anyone because I constantly felt like an outcast. If I can stand on my own, then I won't be a burden to anyone, no one can hurt me, and I can be on control of my destiny. It's a lonely road, though.

I'm avoidant attached lol!!! Though in my last long term friendship I became a bit anxious attached. I think if I don't demonize myself that's the first step to a secure attachment, meaning stable long term relationships. Finding another avoidant attached person with whom I share similar life goals and values, affirming that we can trial and error make mistakes, and learn how to speak up and not be critical and horrifically embarrassed of myself, my life experiences and my existence, and instead strive for deeper understanding of cause and effect. Affirm we don't have to be perfect in order to receive love and kindness. I avoid because I have it deeply baked into me that my existence is a burdensome shame, so I'd rather not harm others by being a burden (ie being a person with feelings, perceptions, and experiences of my own) or risk being demeaned and demonized by being around them. There's no way to be safe around other people, I've learn from being around people with disorganized attachment styles, but I have to remind myself that there are different attachment styles and hopefully I will find someone to have a shared delusion with and have a contract to help each other heal our attachment style! I say "delusion" as a funny term, I'm reading a book called Useful Delusions, I'm not using the word in an accusatory critical way but in a funny way that recognizes that all realities are temporary and everything can be called a delusion (condemning emotional term) until it succeeds or you figure out a new paradigm to prove that it did actually succeed according to a certain standard

I´m a mix of anxious and disorganized. Raising up in a physical and mental violent home, where´s pretending to be the perfect family. I think my main emotions are constant fear of change, masking the feelings with a smile to swallow up the constant hurt and fear, not to feel like crying. Intimate relationships are a great challenge for me, being togheter with avoidant attachment style person was one of the hardest thing to do.

Now I realize that I have all three negative attachment styles. Thank you so much for sharing this! It is much easier to win when you know what you have to fight against. This shed light some bits and parts of my past and that of my siblings as well.

I think im a mix of anxious and avoidant, and i think my partner is disorganized with a bit of avoidant. We both had similar childhoods, absent father, narcissistic mothers, CSA survivors as well as other abuse, moved around alot. We also found out that my love language is acts of service and his is gifts.

I'd like to add that often it's a combination and not always clear. It's possible to relate to different parts of the different styles since reality is often more complex than some general types. And not everyone has the same issues and reactions to the damage done. Don't forget that, at the end of the day, you'll have to figure out what works for YOU and that can differ from the general theory

See, I thought I was detached in my love style until you brought up being anxious because I would place my worth on my partner and let them decide if I was enough or not. I had a rough childhood (one parent was abusive and the other was inconsistent bc of the abuse) so when I was looking for a partner, I would look for someone who would be my equal. Due to who I am and how I was raised, I would play into the hands of the bad relationships. It was affecting me both romantically and friendship wise. Now that I've gotten out of all the bad relationships in wanting better for myself, discovered this channel and Cinema Therapy, and have been actively participating in therapy, I feel a lot better about myself. I never knew myself because the abuse started from conception and didn't truly end for me until I graduated (I like to phrase it as the time with the abusive parent ((bio-dad)) was a shark tank and once my mom got me out of the situation, it was a piranha tank bc I was starting middle school a few months after the separation). Now that I'm done with school by choice, I've learned a lot about myself and I hope to continue to do so.

Somehow it would have been avoidant. But I was happy I had more or less healthy relationships. I can pitch between anxious and avoidant. But yes, I loved that you said that attachment style is not set in stone and that we can grow.

I was avoidant/disorganized, I was more needy/anxious with friends who I trusted more than my family. Then at age 32 began 3 years of therapy, then another 1 to 2 years a few years later. I am somewhat secure now at age 53, but it is never a settled fact.

I love that through all your videos you advertise your programs and that they are available but your not pushing/forcing it on us, thank you.

Anxious. Knowing this I have to actively try to be a good parent. Not to clingy and there for them.

Thank you Mended light. I love this, very clear and helpful

How does one deal with intrusive thoughts when it comes to Disorganized attachment? Often it's hard to not get angry at others and then feel horrible for thinking about actually being mean and getting mad... Normally I'd have other ways to self regulate but over a year in quarantine is testing my ability to get along with others..😰

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

I think the biggest key is to recognize and own the behavior as soon as possible. Early on it will be after the anger settles; the more you focus on it the sooner you recognize and redirect, so that you're catching it in the middle of the angry outburst, then before it even happens.

I am already crying after 2 minutes because you listed so many things in the beginning that I see in me and just you saying all these things in a calm voice and not screeming it at me as an insult is giving me hope that I could be better and that I am not the worst person ever not derserving of love.

I recognised my attachment style being anxious when he gave the advise for that one, those were the words I needed to hear, thank you :)

I'm interested in how these can change when a parent passes away, or if a child is adopted. Thank for this, it gives me a good base for understanding myself as an avoidantly attached person

I grew up with a distant, more abusive father (generally speaking when he was frustrated with me i was hit, he couldnt work out his frustration only through physical violence and yelling). My mother was overly attached to me (i think she was unhappy with my dad and poured all her love and attention to me) until i was 9 and my brother was born, then all her focus went to my brother. I am unsure what attachment i had earlier on. I did spend a lot of time alone after my brother was born, playing in my room, i was reading myself a lot, creating stories and scenarios for my dolls or lego, later on it became video gaming as i aged. I somehow liked it, i did get lost in my imagination and it was that time i was not in the spotlight, so i was ignored, which meant i didnt get yelled at, or hit, or bothered. As long as i had good grades and i wasnt troublesome, i was an ok child in my parents' eyes. I am avoidant mostly even today, but if i get really attached to someone i get very needy and attachy...and it can be too much for people. I remember a girl had to change school, because for me she was my best friend, but for her it was way too much and she felt very uncomfortable. I felt guilty about it as it was never my intention. Emotionally this whole experience means i need to triple check whether i can let my feelings run or how receptive others are to my interest whether it is friendship or love. Which also means i cannot really be myself or own my whole personality, because i will be too much for others and they ditch me. On the positive side, i am very self reliant, i do not panic when people let me down, i stand up and solve the problems for myself and it even makes me feel good that i can acheive things that before were thought unachievable. And i like the idea that i learn and grow and i dont need to depend on people with my needs.I have been going to therapy for a year now, and it did help me a lot to grow, due to that i ahve been able to close down bad friendships that took advantage of me, and open up to new ways of making friends, so hope that the next stage will be dating once i feel confident in socializing in a healthy way.

I had heard of the first three, but not disorganized attachment. I am certainly coming from that place, trying to move into more secure attachments, learning that no actually I do not have to carry everything in a “my personal shame” format. Thanks for providing language for this. Love your work on CinemaTherapy and I’m glad I found this channel too! 🙏🏻😄

I actually shifted from anxious to anxious and desorganized and now finally to avoidant, anxious and desorganized lol. Hope I will have time to change to secure place, it seems like a long long process 🙏💗 thank you so much for mended light videos, they are constantly helping me and actually made me shift from my past therapist to a better suit.

thank you for this video! It was so spot on. i think I have a disorganized attachment style, or possibly anxious. i get clingy, then I get insecure and then I get super mad and avoidant and might sabotage the whole relationship and maybe blame it on them and then get super guilty and blame myself. it's to the point that I actually don't think i'm capable of any close relationships. i'm 20 and I thought I would "grow out of it" after teenage years but hmm...

I can't tell you how beneficial these videos are, those on this channel and on the Cinema Therapy channel as well. Life took a drastic turn last year, and it's taken a great deal of time to make complete peace with things. I believe I grew up in a securely-framed home, but unfortunately, there were external factors that over the years corroded my secure attachment style into an anxious one. 2021's conclusion took that anxious attachment and ran with it. Despite the agonizing pain I went through, it helped me realize and come to terms with the truths in this video.

Perfect explanations. Wish it was three times as long. I’m hungry for knowledge and understanding.

So if, for instance, you had an inconsistent and occasionally chaotic mom, an avoidant and occasionally chaotic step dad, an avoidant father and a much older chaotic brother- would it make sense that you would manifest all of these styles depending on the circumstances and who you were attempting to be attached to?

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

Yes you are most likely disorganized which is a combination of anxious and avoidant. Anxious ppl will push you to become avoidant and avoidant ppl will push you to become anxious. That is one of the ways to know that you are disorganized, by how ppl and their behaviors polarize you.

i would say i had an anxious attachtment style but i taught myself to love myself and grow confident because i was able to acknowledge that i needed to for my life to improve, but hearing it and reinforcing that healthy idea is just as important and i understand that its not just easy to figure out. i had to learn this stuff young and im still young as an adult but these kinds of things are always important. ive been in a very supportive loving relationship for 6 years and i had to unlearn a lot of negative thoughts and habits, battling my own depression and anxiety while also dealing with multiple abusive family members and generally feeling alone but i learned to be better with my partner because i fell deeply in love and worked towards being happy with him. we arent perfect and there were even issues of arguments to the point that we ended up breaking up for a year or so, we were long distance for a long time so keeping up when you cant physically touch someone and having to put in even more effort with communication was also just as hard, but because we were long distance all we had was communication so we just talked about everything. we know everything about each other and even know secrets we'd never share with anyone else. im not saying we're perfect as i have adhd and my partner is possibly on the autism spectrum so we have to be even more considerate about our words. but we love each other so hard, hes my best friend and the type of person that i could talk to about anything. i dont believe in soul mates per say but i believe in forming them, to learn to love someone so strongly to the point that it runs soul deep. we've talked about our future and personal goals, we share interests, been together through richness and poorness and sickness and health, we can talk about our political views or religious views or whats bothering us and all that. im rambling but basically what im saying is my partner has been with me even when i almost died, i think i truely am gonna live to be with him even in my old age, no ones perfect but it is possible and even with our awesome relationship i love these videos because i know what its like to be a toxic partner, i used to be a real shit person and i wouldnt even know what i was doing but im actively watching these videos because my partner is my world and i never wanna let anything silly divide us. knowing i can learn things that keep a relationship strong and how i can not only put my partners needs as a priority but to also keep myself in check. i will always do what i can because i believe in him and myself and you can always learn as a person, if i can learn even more and know how to be a good partner and friend then i will do everythng in my power to keep us strong. i love him and i love that you've got these videos out for everyone to see. your approach to topics are awesome and well put and very educational. thanks

I am anxiously attached dating what I think is an avoidant. It is trying my patience but I am trying to do research on the subject, and as a fan of yours on Cinema Therapy I was happy to run into this today!

I'm definitely disorganized! This is the first time I've heard of this attachment style, and I always struggled to figure which I had. I grew up in house with unpredictable parent, with a lot of toxic and abusive relatives, who would go from being very affectionate and loving to abusive and terrifying. I was blessed to also have some extremely healthy and loving adults come into my life as well. As a mother I have done everything I can to be predictable and consistent in my parenting but I still struggle with CPTSD from my childhood. I find myself worrying a lot about how my issues are going to affect my children as I am still trying to heal from my past.

I’ve lost a good friend to my attachment issues, I was very clingy to him and it’s happened 2 weeks ago and I still can’t get over it because it was my fault that it’s over and I’ve been so down for longer than I could ever think of before 😔💔

At first secure as a child, then as my parents started not getting along so well a bit anxious, the anxiousness increased over the years as my parents relationship and mental welbeing has been declining for years with passive agression, lack of empathy and disbelief for my problems at school and depressive and suicidal thoughts. I got then avoiding, I like how you mention that there is a difference between needing connection and wanting it, because I have stopped wanting. Things have been getting better in the last years, but now I just hate how everyone always points out the obvious that I am avoiding yet still nobody shows any empathy or care, just feels like I am getting blamed for it. Been going to therapy now, but that's the same old thing, just judgement, not seeming to care, or support me in any kind way, just do it, your avoiding, just do it. I hate how everyone always tells me that connection is important but I'm always met with coldness and harsh tones. And whenever I do meet warmth either they leave me, or I leave, feeling totally confused by the kindness, I just dont really know how to handle that, I guess I shouldnt be too judgemental about myself to do it all right..

Thank u so much for talking about this! I have a strong feeling I have anxious attachment both from childhood and experiences as an adult that just made it worse I'm working on being in a better place everyday It's hard to love myself sometimes & I've often fallen head over heels in love with people who showed me even the smallest amount of love/kindness Now when I'm feeling the urge to find a romantic partner, I remember how much I love my friends & how much they love me in return ❤️ It really helps which is why I always say "I love you" when we say goodbye There are times I struggle & all I want is a lover I can use to avoid growing as a person Unfortunately my avoidant behavior is still hard to curb but I'm trying I would love it if you could talk about why people use avoidance as an unhealthy coping skill & how to avoid avoidance lol

I reckon I am anxiously attached. I even connected with the video psychology of a hero: Anna. I keep falling for the wrong women and fast. I feel I need to take a break from dating and work on myself or learn a different method of trying to find a partner but don't even know where to start. Even seen a couple therapists. Thank you for your videos! They help.

I feel like I am a mix? I crave someone to talk to but it is almost always easier to talk to someone who is not family. When I have had those deep, vulnerable conversations I have been left, yelled at, lied about, and excommunicated. Sometimes it feels like when I am speaking people are only listening for ammo or for what they want to hear. I kind of think of myself as a 90% open book. That 10% is so locked up that when I do finally try to speak about it, even with someone I trust deeply, I physically shake so hard my teeth chatter and I feel like I am going to throw up. By the time I am able to breath normally again, I forget everything. My mind goes blank. So I end up not saying anything, or if I do, it comes out wrong and the situation gets worse. I journal but sometimes I don't even want to write everything in there. Just in case someone read it.

@MendedLight

2 жыл бұрын

That makes total sense. I'm so sorry you've been through that.

I've been all of these. It's been a journey and a rollercoaster. I like to think I am mostly secure, but I know I'm still mostly anxiously attached right now. I've been gradually moving toward securely attached, but I'm still working on it and have a bit to go. This definitely helps as there were bits in here that I didn't yet know about it all. I started watching this channel recently after following Cinema Therapy for some time and I'm glad I decided to add Mended Light into my watch list.

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

I suggest personal development school on YT all about attachment styles.

I guess I'll be the first comment on this video haha. I am pretty sure my attachment style is anxious but I do sometimes feel like I go into the disorganized style. I'm not sure if it's just me misunderstanding pushing people away because both kind of do that. But, I am pretty sure I am anxious because I become very obsessive with making the target of my affection like me. My biggest struggle is hard to pinpoint and explain - I am currently trying to work through it with my therapist but it's still early, so we are not too far yet. Basically, when I get past the initial puppy-dog love phase, I start to feel I guess uncomfortable with the lack of emotion and feeling. I know I still like the person and I know that the initial high goes away, but if I don't FEEL that love deep within my chest like I did at the beginning, my brain tells me that clearly this is not working and to run away. I have been constantly trying to push against this but then I feel like I'm faking it and that only makes me feel more guilty. I think there is also a part of me that feels like if I told someone I like them, I owe it to be with them forever (crazy, I know). I feel like I can't take back what I say if my feelings do change down the road. And, with the current person I like, I don't want them to change. I constantly tell myself that. My therapist had me read the book Attached, the one everyone I'm sure knows about. I do think it was helpful but I was reading reviews about it in that it seemed to be very biased against avoidant personalities or something. So I tried to take everything with a grain of salt. My therapist told me to go through what I feel my needs are in order to get them met and all that. And maybe that is the issue, but I get so preoccupied with that FEELING of love going numb that I just can't seem to figure out where to go from there. Anyways, super long comment, I am super excited for your new channel and hope it grows like a weed! :)

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing this!

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

kzread.info/dash/bejne/lpylsaiil9zNiNI.html You should watch this, it explains why disorganized attachment needs to feel like love is all consuming.

im an avoidant style, dad was often working and when he was home was tired and would show that in anger. i would make myself scarce and knew that talking back could mean getting in trouble as my older siblings did. mum still struggles with many insecurity issues as a result of being bullied all of her school life and at church. She was isolated as a stay at home mum pre social media, felt she missed out on many of life's opportunities because she had kids instead. often she would be jealous of the lives she had provided for us and would take that out passive aggressively and with manipulation. Again I resorted to being out of the house in order to avoid her

I'm definitely the 2nd and 3rd, mainly because my parents got divorced when I was in middle school and I had a falling out with my elder sister. The led me to just stuff myself and rarely relying on others to help me. My parents still treated me well, even my dad who didn't live with us anymore was there to help me out. The thing is that since they work until night time, me and my older sisters had to feed ourselves or rely on out aunt who lived with us at the time. Right now I'm in college and I don't really have much connection with anyone. The closest I had to a relationship was a crush I had in middle school, who eventually rejected me in highschool after many attempts in earning her affection. I have friends in my AxJ club, but I wouldn't consider them best friends. In all honesty, I'm just going through life as an introvert. It would be nice to have someone with me to share my burden

I am working through this specifically so I think highly anxious that becomes avoidant after a while. I felt a big connection to the suggestions offered. Thank you.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

You're welcome! I'm so glad you found it helpful!

Thanks

I identify with the disorganized attachment style. My relationship with one of my parents matches pretty closely with this description. In relationships with friends I am more anxious and haven't found how to best form secure attachments.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Great self-reflection! Stay with us and we'll do our best to guide you towards it :)

i rhink i have an anxious avoidant attachment style. My parents are both therapists and have always been very loving and regular/secure with their provision of care but had alternating periods of serious illness throughout my childhood which made it clear from infancy that i could lose them at any moment. I was also bullied a lot right from the moment i started school, and this didnt stop until i started high school, got my braces off and got contacts and suddenly started being treated nicely which seriously threw off my perception of people's behaviours/ trust i guess? idk.

I have all but a secure attachment, but somehow, I managed to create and maintain a secure marriage. There is hope for everyone!

I'll admit I am an anxious adult recovering from childhood trauma and I am working to become secure and healthy in my relationships with myself and others.

ZAS: I started off secure in my early childhood with parents that loved me but then I was put into foster care and thus avoidant attachment style emerge and is still 100% my style today. It can be especially difficult when I'm with friends who are the other types (anxious and disorganized)

@MendedLight

2 жыл бұрын

So rough. My sympathies.

Anxious probably fits best. And avoidant... But it's not like I made great choices choosing who to date. But they were the only ones who said yes. 😅

I am an avoidant type. Growing up my family had a lot of financial, but also personal problems. The only thing on my mom's mind was how to get out of this r/ship. In the end they broke up. Then my mom started working. Maybe she provided me with life matters thing. But she never showed me a proper love, care, or happiness... I grow up with this. Then all my r/ships went into wrong directions. So I am also anxiety type now. Its been years since I formed any r/ship or f/ship. People just dont want to be in r/ship with me. It made me really sad tho. Even if I am trying to make a friendship then I always end up being taken advantage of or in worst scenario betrayal. I have tried mentors, spiritual works, even religion to get me out of this. But it is just a cycle and I am a mouse on that... I thought it will hurt less as I am getting older, but it is getting worse and worse.

I think I’m disorganized attached. It makes sense because I’m very up and down when it comes to forming relationships; I want a romantic one, but I do tend to also want to be by myself completely. I have issues opening up to others. My mom was abusive; whether or not my dad was to her, I really do t want to go into. I was definitely manipulated growing up. Not fun. Not sure where to even start.

I have avoidant attachments style!! I haven't changed, im a stubbornperson! I was put up for adoption as a baby and wasn't adopted til 5yrs , bullied all my life and feel like now I'm still am! As a child bullied for everything you can name and no one said I could do or be anything I wanted or shoot for the stars! I hate myself and the people who Created me but love my adopted parents/ real parents but always had an arm length love and effection to them! I don't trust anyone! I get angry easy!

I think I’m anxious type until I hit a certain threshold of stress and then shut down completely and become avoidant. Im basically an on-off switch. My husband was very very anxious type (probably some disorganized type in there, with aggressive jealousy and a fair amount of childhood trauma) when we first started our relationship. But he’s shifted to just avoidant now. So, we have a peaceful but distant marriage that is just kind of... meh. Like having a decent roommate that you save for retirement with.

@MendedLight

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry to read that. That sounds very lonely.

My childhood was kind of complicated because I am autistic and I kept myself a lot and the only times that I remember as a kid talking to my parents about my emotions is when one of my siblings made me mad or on the rare occasion of asking how my day was. My parents worked a lot and my dad was always stressed so it was kind of a thing of don't try to make dad mad. I can't say that my childhood was awful but it was definitely a lonely. I know that I mostly have an avoidant and then anxious attachment styles but I have slowly improved and having more of a secure attachment style.

I have an anxious attachment style, I constantly fear rejection and abandonment, and it causes me to be unfairly angry at my loved ones. I am presently trying to write a letter to my mother, to say what I'm upset about, and how I feel, in such a way as to not sound accusatory or put her on the defensive. Tricky. Mom and I have been enmeshed for... maybe 30 years. SHe has no inkling about it. SHe thinks its admirable to be so involved in my life. I beg to differ! SHe flips between blubbering self-pity, and vengeance, and me, I need better boundaries. I don't wanna do the same thing to my kid. I want my kid to feel free to be themself, and I don't wanna be responsible for their self assuredness. SO I'm giving my kid lots of rein and room to roam, but when they're here at my house, they have to abide by my house rules. I think that's fair.

I think my baseline is anxious with a bit of avoidance developed after friends betrayed me and also a boyfriend dumped me in a way that basically confirmed all the crap I believed about me being unlovable and never enough on my own. I was always very sensitive and craving intimacy but when I was a baby who'd cry 'for no reason' my parents were instructed to let me cry myself out alone. I only found out much later and suddenly my struggle to cry with someone and let or worse seek someone to comfort me makes sense. Any time I'm feeling vulnerable I want to retreat, crawl in a corner and just melt down alone. My horse is the only creature I feel 100% safe around. He's never rejected me for my emotions or because someone else was cooler or more beautiful. I know my parents wish they hadn't listened to the doctor's who told them to ignore my wailing, and after my sister was born they changed the tune but there still were quite a few times when my open vulnerability received an 'it must be your period so it's fine' or 'you're just too sensitive'. It really hurt me then and I'm only beginning to try and see myself as sensitive, not too sensitive. Beginning to learn to reach out to colleagues whom I sometimes dare call friends. I haven't had any other boyfriend for thirteen years and have not really made super close friends, though there's one who's closed to that. I moved to a different country ten years ago and worked hard at surrounding myself with good people but even so I just can't let go completely of that core belief that I'm supposed to handle my shit alone, not burden anyone, and I will never find a significant other because at heart I'm just not worthy of it. I know it's wrong rationally but it's still engrained. So I reckon I'm both anxious and avoidant with people. With animals I feel secure, they've always been my safe base and refuge and never let me down so long live my cat and my horse lol

@megapiglatin2574

2 жыл бұрын

I completely understand you comments on animals! I feel the same.

I think i was originally an anxious attachment but grew up n became avoidant attachment. I know how lucky i am though to have a loyal and loving partner who i am learning to be vulnerable with.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Thrilled for you! Thank you for sharing!

The book "Attached" by Heller& Levine is really good and helpful

I mentioned my attachment style with my parents, friends, and lover in the previous vid, but I have never talk about my sister before. I kinda have the weirdest dynamics with her xD I'm not avoiding her, but there will always be problem when I set boundaries, because she would always manage to read my changing topic pattern, and finds a way to still get on my nerves. Honestly sometimes I feel like she'd never respect my boundaries until I got angry, and lash out.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds aggravating as can be.

I'm not sure what type of attachment type I am. My home life was stable - working dad, stay-at-home mom. But I never talked about romantic relationships with my parents (who did not sleep in the same bed or behave more than mildly affectionate toward one another). Or talk to them about much else, not about my storywriting, or my other intellectual passions. They had no interest in academics. Neither did my siblings. I used work and college as an excuse to not attend family gatherings. I grew up in a large family (7 siblings). I was the smart one, the one who wanted a lot of alone-time (hard to do when a teenage girl is sharing her bedroom with two toddlers). I never wanted to date in high school, for so many reasons - focus on academcis, wanting to avoid my mother's fate, stuck at home taking care of kid after kid, the AIDS epidemic, etc. I felt obligated to take care of my 4 younger siblings, so I never wanted kids of my own. I assumed any guy I dated would want kids eventually. I had exactly one boyfriend, for a few months when I was 25. The few times we tried being physically intimate I either froze up and literally shuddered, or went inside my head (Dissociation?). He was a nice guy, but I wasn't that into him and didn't know how to say so without hurting him, so I began to avoid him. We broke up over the phone. I've had the same full-time job for 25 years, same position as when I started. I'm fairly outspoken at work; no one would ever call me shy. The same with college - I get along fine with people when it's all about the mind, not the body. What concerns me about attachment theory is, I finally graduated from college 4 years ago, and without the 25 hours of homework a week to distract me I've been having mood swings. Bouts of crying. I hadn't cried in 28 years, not even when each of my parents died. Now I spend multiple days every month trying not to cry in front of customers. I'm sad, but I'm not sure why. Am I lonely? Depressed? Most of my social interaction is over the Internet. I'm not close to any of my siblings and I only have one friend, who comes over once a week to watch movies together. I do talk openly about my feelings, and he listens, but doesn't do anything else. I believe I'm an INTP from the MBTI. What attachment style am I?

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like you might be avoidant or disorganized leaning avoidant. This video explains the difference it's a good one. kzread.info/dash/bejne/rJ6g1NGmeM2dnLg.html

@annajung1234

2 жыл бұрын

Hello, fellow INTP✋ I think, if you have such an opportunity, it's better to see a therapist about the bouts of crying. It seems rather serious.

I feel like I may have started with disorganised attachment and over time shifted into anxious avoidant and because of various reasons this lead to clinginess and co-dependency. As soon as a relationship starts to seem like it could go the distance I lash out and indulge in self destructive behaviour. I push away people who I have a healthy relationship with and that's probably cos I had an inconsistent parent who thought "I'm a man I can't get therapy" and another parent who died and no matter how much wishing - it doesn't bring her back or reverse 20 years of trauma. Edit* I definitely have "daddy issues" as a result of the above and am trying to work on this XD

my childhood was weird, scary, and not normal to say the least.

I have a secure attachment style and my friend has avoidant and still didn't really trust me after 3-4 month of speaking with them and it got me a bit stressed out and, me being honest and upfront, said that it's stressing me out... in a "you're stressing me out" way... and they guilt unfriended me... (just 2 really self-critical messages and then they unfriended me...) I'm just trying to help but damn is it hard to help fix someone like that who even acknowledges they're stubborn in that regard... I guess all I can do is just hope they'll give me a chance to explain myself... (keeping it vague with *they* intentionally)

Just got here from video about Totoro :) I have one question, how much can someone have mix of some treats of those styles? I had some not-constant attachment from my parents - dad was detached and mom depending on the mood. But as much as I can be clingy to some extent, and i don't attach myself exactly to only one person - im polyamorous/ believe in relationship anarchy, but my relationships, friendship, whole net of people around me, i think are a safe and stable and warm and open relationships. I admit, i learned a lot about myself, my people pleasing etc, during my therapy, but i didn't really get into attachment styles. Is it disorganised attachment? or just a safe attachment with some personality * s p i c e *? x)

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

kzread.info/dash/bejne/d6KKm86Dh8-4Zqg.html Great video on figuring it out! Good luck 👍

Oh 💩 . This is the first video that is leading me to conclude... I'm probably disorderly. I probably have a disorganized attachment style. 😔 I'm not really that clinging, though I can be needy for reassurance, definitely not avoidant (though in some ways I function better when I'm alone, and, the real evidence: both my 22 year relationship with my late husband and my current relationship, though both *wonderful and loving in many ways,* well... ...they've both had dimensions many would call...toxic.🤷‍♀️😳😪 My rage is more reactive. I usually don't start the fight but when I'm not in control of myself I retaliate quickly and with a similar partner can escalate to real rage, insults, screaming... I will tend to initiate conflict by getting really triggered and reactive if a partner carelessly or judgmentally criticizes me in a way I find harsh or unfair, or is more insensitive than I can bare. I think that side of me was more pronounced in my youth, but it still surfaces. Sometimes I think it would be better to be single, yet I'm also a hopefully romantic yearning for soul mate level intimacy and companionship with my partner. And I childhood was turbulent, blighted by parental drug abuse, mental illness, and my dad's out of control epilepsy. (The drug abuse kept triggering intense seizures.) So...YIKES, yup, probably disorganized.😔 This video doesn't stigmatized the disordered style the way some others I seen seem to; that's probably why it's the first one that's helped me figure out my attachment style. No wonder at 53 I'm still struggling for stability in love instead of unmanaged anger. In the wonderful How We Love my love style would be called The Vacillator Style. It's a hard one to overcome and relationships can be beyond tempestuous.

I have been growing up in a family which is unstable. My caregivers are available sometimes but at most time they are abusive and they will argue and fight in front of me. This made me an anxious type of person in my early years. But after ends of a long term romantic relationship and a long term friendship I seem to be more selfish, I mean it’s like now I’m more willing to treat myself well first than ever. But it hurts to my friends, I’m not sure if they are still my friends though since I feel uncomfortable when they are making fun of me so I decided to let our friendships go. Not sure what my type is now

anxious and disorganized ✌️

Hello and thank you for this video, it was really good to help me identify some things! Where can I go for more resources? Thank you!

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome! Please visit www.mendedlight.com

A mix of anxious, avoidant and disorganized…. Childhood was very traumatic and chaotic.

❤ you

i think im a mix of anxious and avoidant

I'm anxious and avoidant🤷‍♀️

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Great self-awareness :) Is that something you'd like to work on?

Based on what you said here, I think my attachment style is avoidant. And based on what you said, I think my partner's attachment style is anxious. How do we help each other?

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

kzread.info/dash/bejne/oGlktLF7psTaZpM.html This is a great video, all about the topic.

Is it possible to have a mixture of attachment styles?

Can a person be both anxious and disorganised in attachment style?

What if one parent was avoidant/critical and the other nurturing and caring but sometimes a bit scary when they were angry? What would that make me? Half avoidant? Half disorganized? I have no clue, have taking a few tests but don't know their accuracy (I usually get half anxious, half avoidant). I was in a LDR recently that ended and we both had insecure styles that led to defense mechanisms which weakened our relationship. I was a bit turned off by his clingy behavior at the start but then I got anxious a few months later when he didn't show as much affection anymore and I was scared of asking him why and so instead, in classic self destructive style, I blew up and kind of threw the first rock that made our relationship crumble. In my defense my mental health was already low, I was tired of feeling so anxious and worried of the future and just wanted something to stop. Is this an experience someone else share?

How can I know who can I trust?

I'm definitely the anxious attachment style, but feel I may also have a disorganised attachment style too. Is it possible to be two of them at the same time (perhaps one cause by each parent)?

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

Attachment styles are on a spectrum there are many combos. Secure with some anxious or avoidant. Or disorganized leaning anxious and disorganized leaning avoidant. Personally I am mostly secure with 50/50 anxious/disorganized. That's with therapy and working through Attachment reprogramming school.

I feel like I'm something in-between anxious and disorganized....🤦🏻‍♀️

I feel I'm probably disorganized... I seem to flip between avoidant & anxious...

@ariadgaia5932

3 жыл бұрын

My childhood....? A detached mother.. one neglectful step-father followed by a rage-oholic abusive step-father... I didn't know my real father until I was 25yo & finding him has been a blessing! I find in him a kind, confident, available, & compassionate father who is here for me no matter what, no questions asked other than "Are you okay?"~ I now tell everyone that I take after him because I do in a great many ways, but I'd like to be even more like him... I'm striving to be more secure in my attachment style.

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing! Your Father sounds like an incredible man and I'm glad you've found someone to both comfort and guide you. All the best for the future!

Oof. Being raised by different parents and living in different situations rlly messed me up lol. I was mostly secure bc my grandma and i had secure attachments to each other... But my aunt was a ticking time bomb of either affectionate or irrationally angry. My mom was distant and always has been lol... Between them all i think i switch between anxious and avoidant. Both prolly developed when i was homeless and anxiety abt everything was present but i also wasn't supposed to freak out. Very fun having to only be affectionate and never demonstrate disappointment anger or idk I'm starving lol

My style is super anxious, yet l really do love myself. Then where's the problem? Is it just that l never had anybody in my life l could trust, and the few times l did jump to trusting ppl, l was betrayed or abandoned?

Can you be avoidant if your parents were always open and there but you didn’t feel like they could understand you?

I can not always be loving and supportive with my kid. When I am tired or hungry or have to get stuff done I tend to be quite short with him. I am always sorry and if possible tell him so. Do you think this leads him to be the second type? Hiw can I change? I am really trying!

Can this be different based on relationships of the past? For example if you were loved by your parents but your parents were borderline abusive with each other, could that make you different with a spouse versus others? Or have a different attachment style with women than men based on how your parents treated you? Interesting stuff here.

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

Romantic relationships bring out our biggest insecurities and triggers because they take the most vulnerability and commitment. Friendships on the other hand are not as intimate so one can show up more securely. Also each individual person can cause different poor behaviors to show up depending on how they show up.

I cant remember much of my childhood. But I'm eiether secure or avoidant, can't tell :/

❤️

I'm noy sure which one I am. They all seem possible in my life. Ugh...

I feel like my attachment style is more disorganized but I don't think I had an abusive childhood. Or any traumatic events that I can remember. My parents weren't perfect but I generally felt cared for. Am I missing something?

@MendedLight

3 жыл бұрын

Were you bullied? Or perhaps internalized harmful messages in your interactions with others and society?

@Luthi_Tin

3 жыл бұрын

@@MendedLight good point, I wasn't bullied exactly but my feelings were minimized by my parents. "negative" emotions were always something to get rid of, not deal with. I have a very low view of myself and assume no one would want to be around me because of my emotions. So I tend to distance myself when I am feeling low or angry. But thank you to y'all. I have been talking with a counselor due to the information on this channel, cinema therapy and other mental health focused teachers on youtube.

How do you keep your children (my twins are 1 year old) from having an anxious attachment? I feel like I I and will be inconsistent just based on my energy levels and I'm worried about this. Like I may not respond as quickly to their needs when I'm exhausted, sleep deprived or sick

@cappygurl

2 жыл бұрын

kzread.info/dash/bejne/l2eaytxxl7e0Y8Y.html This the perfect video on this topic.