The best non-fiction part of that story is that we're still referring to Australia as a death trap in the far future 😂

@SH-qs7ee

5 ай бұрын

As an Australian, I 100% agree

@mr.e3247

5 ай бұрын

LMAO I was thinking the same thing!!

@OKOKOKOKOKOKOK-zn2fy

5 ай бұрын

Redback Spiders and Box Jellies. It's like Australia makes little things just to kill you.

@LordMondegrene

5 ай бұрын

Even TINY Australian animals can be lethal, Bullet Ants got their name because their bite feels like you've been shot. The beautiful little Blue-Ringed Octopi, Red Belly Spiders, stingrays all can kill. Even their cuddly, furry, ridiculous-looking platypus has poison spurs that cause necrotic wounds that never heal. Their blandly named Brown Snake is one of the most deadly in the world, but they have a dozen more that can kill you just as dead. Their plants, like the Gympie gympie, cause such intense agony, victims long for death. Eat a berry that is the wrong color, you get the Stomach Rot. If it isn't poisonous, or venomous, it may have huge claws to kick out your guts, like the emu, or enormous teeth, like their saltwater crocodiles. Some are 20 feet long, with bullet proof armor. And if those don't keep you out of the water, there are Great White Sharks, just as long, and indiscriminate. They have been caught and gutted, and found to be full of half-digested dogs, sheet metal, and of course, human body parts. They are notorious for taking big bites out of fiberglass surfboards, boats, and floats. Sure, see Australia... just don't touch anything, or let anything touch you. 17:43

@VooXoo

5 ай бұрын

..."we?" FOUND A ALIEN! JUMP HIM!!!

"Most potent weapon the humans had to offer....... Lawyers." That got me 😂

@JoseTorres-dl3kh

5 ай бұрын

Me too I laughed out loud big time😂😂😂😂😂

@andrewmcconnell-ns1lk

5 ай бұрын

I pmsl funniest line ever

@mortblackthorn187

5 ай бұрын

If you see a human, run. If you see a human lawyer, run faster.

@bch5513

5 ай бұрын

Read this JUST as it was spoken. It is so accurate.. 😂

@mckenzie.latham91

5 ай бұрын

Alien species prefer human neutron bombs compared to the elite legal soldierate

"The Delpan made the mistake of killing one of the human's little pet beasts." "That's all? Just a stupid little pet?" "That pet belonged to a human named Jon Wik."

@vladimirko6171

5 ай бұрын

~Pencil clicking intensifies~

@Temuldjin

5 ай бұрын

I would watch the hell out of that movie! :D

@cpuuk

5 ай бұрын

LMAO

@mr.e3247

5 ай бұрын

OH man you win!! HAHAHAHA

@JordoValentino

5 ай бұрын

"Oh" -Alien

"false distress signals, EMP mines in debris fields" dammit, who let the Canadians have a spaceship?

@cmhughes8057

4 ай бұрын

true, everyone underestimates the Canadians, until they mess around and find out.

@kuroanimates

4 ай бұрын

@@cmhughes8057 To be fair, Canada is the reason for at least half of the Geneva convention.

@pheonixblue01

3 ай бұрын

@@cmhughes8057I think you mean “mess aboot, find oot” for our psychotic hat.

@pheonixblue01

3 ай бұрын

@@kuroanimatesGeneva suggestions or the Geneva checklist?

@Yosh087

3 ай бұрын

@@kuroanimates half? you mean 2/3 of it. we have not yet been given the chance to update it with new suggestions

France being a rioting hellhole well after alien imperial conquest is hilarious. _And accurate._

@lcsa60

Ай бұрын

Well 🧐🤨😅 it’s in the DNA 😏

Killing humans makes you an enemy that never forgive or forgets. Punching one? Meh, you might get a new friend. Yeah, that's us.

@ephemispriest8069

5 ай бұрын

About sums it up.

@WarbirdPhoenix

5 ай бұрын

That's how many of my friendships started.👊🙂

@corpsehandler5321

5 ай бұрын

ftwdk, that trope is called "humans are space orcs"

@TidalWavesLion

4 ай бұрын

It makes it even more fitting with the N7 profile pic. If shepard can headbutt a Krogan or earn their respect, and if the Turians can recognize that we seem primitive but formidable, then that checks out.

@seantaggart7382

4 ай бұрын

​@@WarbirdPhoenixindeed Friendship isnt just started by kindness, loyalty, generosity and all the rest Its started with a PUNCH

evil galactic empire: "I have an army 😈" humans: "we have spite 😐"

@Grumpy_old_Boot

2 ай бұрын

Humans : "We have lawyers!"

@KireaPhillips_superj0ka

2 ай бұрын

Humans: “And Australia!”

@nct948

Ай бұрын

​@Grumpy_old_Boot and we're not afraid to use them

@OriginalMicrophoneMan

Ай бұрын

"and... The most important thing we have is..... Adrenaline" *[insert Radiohead music]*

@henryward4783

Ай бұрын

We have Australian lawyers, addicted on meth and the goddammit emu is the judge. Why, you ask, they declared war on the emus, and the emus won.

Humanities most deadly weapon - 'the lawyers'. Those poor alien sods never stood a chance.

@bozhijak

5 ай бұрын

Dewey, Cheatem & Howl.

@MagnanimousEntropy

5 ай бұрын

@@bozhijak The stuff of nightmares.

@wrathshorts2894

5 ай бұрын

Now I just feel bad.

@redclayscholar620

5 ай бұрын

Dear God! Now THAT is truly a Grim Dark future.

@paulholmpileborg6340

5 ай бұрын

I had a good job as emperor until the rebels accused me of warcrimes. I Better Call Saul Hi, I am Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? Intergalactic Laws says you do, and so do I

"Once there was human named Chuck Norris, he threw an incinerator grenade and killed 100 black hand assassins, and THEN the grenade went off"

@youraverageguy8431

3 ай бұрын

Witty

@joshsnethen2440

3 ай бұрын

LMAO😂😂

@Dr_Doctor_Lee

2 ай бұрын

creative

@jazzk4072

2 ай бұрын

Incendiary

@ictpilot

Ай бұрын

This should start a whole nother line of Chuck Norris jokes! 😂

Yes, you've heard of _'No man left behind',_ but have you heard of _'No threat left alive'?_ We might not be all-powerful, we might not be immortal, hell, we're not even all that intelligent on the galactic common scale... But goddamnit we're as spiteful as they come. We evolved to walk other creatures to death by exhaustion. _Don't make this a contest of who has the longest breath._

@derpypotato677

Ай бұрын

Damn that goes hard.

@brandenmarcum430

Ай бұрын

EXACTLY. An animal we decide to walk to death will have no choice but to either die from exhaustion, or lay down and accept death.

@kristenthacker5762

22 күн бұрын

we might not be the strongest, or the smartest, but man we sure are the stubbornest!

@RitualStench

22 күн бұрын

Damn, pursuit-hunters, you scary!

@kaiserofkush

17 күн бұрын

aliens attempt invasion? great book of grudges it is.

words from an alien: Humans are not particularly good at anything, but they are good enough at everything.

@RitualStench

22 күн бұрын

Jack of all trades, master of none 🫡

@EVH596

20 күн бұрын

@@RitualStench Who is often better than the master of one :)

Humanity: “And what will you be doing?” The Black Hand: “I’ll be in my bedroom, making no noise, and pretending I don’t exist.”

@TerrapinTales

Ай бұрын

😂🤣💀

@RitualStench

22 күн бұрын

Holy shit LMFAO

@flitsertheo

3 күн бұрын

Check under the bed first. A human may be hiding there. If not, hide under the bed yourself.

I love the idea of Earth being a high gravity world and humans being super strong relative to everyone else.

@geradkavanagh8240

5 ай бұрын

Even when evidence so far has earth type planets being having gravity far stronger than our own and many planets tidally locked in their own star systems. Was a bit far-fetched given reality.

@grimmlight4541

5 ай бұрын

Ditto fantastic concept. Love a game on this. Its like a xeno filled version of the TV series The Expanse.

@HawkGTboy

5 ай бұрын

@@geradkavanagh8240 Maybe, maybe not. The super-earths are all we can currently detect, so that’s all we’re seeing. We can’t (yet) detect rocky planets that are Earth sized.

@scorchogrey2385

5 ай бұрын

Yeah I mean life on moons is probably not any more uncommon than it is on rocky planets, which we currently can’t even detect all that well at all. We could have high gravity compared to many other intelligent species in the galaxy. In fact if gravity gets too high the odds of them becoming space faring decreases. It’s nice to see humans portrayed as the physically stronger species for a change.

@Ristaak

5 ай бұрын

@@geradkavanagh8240 Any civilization capable of becoming spacefaring probably has to come from a low gravity planet. Our planet's gravity already makes space fairing almost impossible, even if we do figure out FTL.

Humans are pursuit predators. Not the fastest predators out there, but we have incredible stamina & determination.

@septimus7524

5 ай бұрын

The Human Spirit truly is Indomitable

@stankyxdanky4414

4 ай бұрын

And we got thumbs that helps a lot

@mycroft16

3 ай бұрын

We are also more than a little crazy. How many of our inventions started out as, "I wonder what happens if I plug them in the opposite way?" And then the lab disappears. That crazy is what leads us to charge headlong and screaming into a battle we should have no chance at winning.

@vfaulkon

3 ай бұрын

Imagine seeing a human coming close to you with a weapon in its hands. So you run. You run, and run, and run, and it pursues you, so you keep running. Eventually, you get tired, so you slow down a bit... but it's still there. And it still has a weapon. And it's still coming after you. So you keep running, ignoring the pain in your muscles and the aching in your lungs as you gasp for air. After a while, you just collapse. Maybe you trip, maybe your legs just give out, but you know you can't possibly move any more. You pray you're safe, you look around...and there it is, still coming after you. Worst of all, you get a better look at it. You see it's wearing what used to be your brother. And that was thousands of years ago. Now we have camo, guns, and explosives.

@snakeplissken1933

3 ай бұрын

And we hunt in packs.

And THIS ladies and gentleman, is why the aliens DON’T visit “Dirt”

@MrOhai-bu9li

4 ай бұрын

Proud Citizen of 'Dirt' o7

@ireallyreallyhategoogle

3 ай бұрын

Aliens did visit, but they soon realized the danger humans pose and warned all the others. Better to let humans destroy themselves than to unleash that plague upon everyone.

@michaeldmingo1525

3 ай бұрын

Mud

@julboir

2 ай бұрын

gravel !

@michaeldmingo1525

2 ай бұрын

Rock

"If the lawyers get you, youl be lucky if your executed by your own species as an apology" lol that got me

@tounbak9269

Ай бұрын

😅

While the Delpan partied, the humans studied the sword

@neelp8064

3 ай бұрын

Precisely

"i think they call it Dirt" 🤣🤣🤣

@dawn8549

5 ай бұрын

This had me in stitches, subtle, but had me dying 😂

@serpentinious7745

5 ай бұрын

Everyone calls their planet "dirt". It would take an unrealistic amount of cosmic awareness for a species to understand that the ground under their feet is just one of countless planets before they get around to naming it.

@YourDemocracyOfficer.

5 ай бұрын

IT’S CALLED SOIL

@itsallspent

5 ай бұрын

@@YourDemocracyOfficer. with some manure

@feuerling

5 ай бұрын

​@@serpentinious7745some of them may be called "Floor" or "Down" or "Land" or "World"

I love when the humans are the scary ones in a sci-fi story.

@aerbon

4 ай бұрын

humans are space orcs

@sneezyfido

4 ай бұрын

It'd get interesting in B5 if human cores in Shadow vessels were to fight off the control systems. Better not use enemies as computers.

@american_jackal5956

4 ай бұрын

@@sneezyfido Sorry, dawg, I am *completely* lost.

@sneezyfido

4 ай бұрын

@@american_jackal5956 Babylon 5 was a sf show of the past century. It looks dated now, but it was really good on storyline. One side in the overarching conflict had technology that used sentient beings (with a specific characteristic) as computer core. Those ships were easily the most overpowering force for a long time. They stole humans with that characteristic, put them in the ships, had them use their knowledge of human military to crush human tactics. The poor sods were crazed by the control systems. The push to liberate these people was one of the emotional highlights in the story. Anyway, if those humans had fought free of the control systems, their captors would find themselves facing an overwhelming force of their own making.

@american_jackal5956

4 ай бұрын

@@sneezyfido That sounds pretty dope. I'll have to give it a look.

Good story. The most fictional part is that our leaders would still lead and organize a resistance. Our politicians would sell us out in a heartbeat. They already are. We are an amazing species, but run by the worst of us

@stevenredpath9332

5 ай бұрын

True but, hopefully, by then politicians might have learned that they best stick with us and organise the resistance. Worked for Colonel De Gaulle.

@inscrutababble1932

5 ай бұрын

Honestly, I wonder if the invaders could even tell humans apart from one another. It's likely the hidden leaders were never politicians. More than likely the patsies that surrendered were. 😁

@user-wt7wd4oi7j

5 ай бұрын

I would say we are an awful species, ruled by even more awful members of that species. I am a noted misanthrope, however, so you may contemplate this with the proverbial grain of salt. P.S. Good story.

@Kokuyous3ki

5 ай бұрын

It never said those leading the resistance and those leading the countries before the invasion are the same :) I mean John wasn't a world leader but he did lead the resistance after Skynet took over, yes? :)

@rodrigosantoscienceros

5 ай бұрын

Wouldn't the resistance leaders mostly be made up of former generals and other military personnel seeing as they were fighting a total war for survival. Also if a good chunk of the population was wiped out that would mean the surviving leaders definitely had loved ones who were also killed, they all probably had personal vendettas that they wanted to carry out.

What I like about this story is that there are actually shreds of real human history reflected here, making the whole thing not implausible.

@jamesbrice3267

4 ай бұрын

America found out the hard way when it cut off Japan's oil supply.

@LeviRHogan

4 ай бұрын

Basically happened to the Carthagenians

@jakubw.2779

3 ай бұрын

Yeah, wwii resistance groups across europe vibes were strong. I particulary see strong polish resistance reference here (as i am a pole, duh) culminating with warsaw uprising.

@mycroft16

3 ай бұрын

Oh this is legit what humanity would do. The movie Captive State is very similar. (Highly recommend).

@DrCruel

3 ай бұрын

Sounds like what happened to the Aztecs.

I'm Australian. This gave me a giggle that our wildlife even scares bug eyed monsters from Outer Space.

@Charlie94781

5 ай бұрын

The aliens consider dogs from Great Danes to Yorkshire Terriers as super predators

@r.k2866

4 ай бұрын

yes, Australia's animals, espesiali emus, are eable to defeat AN ARMY of HUMANS. true story where Australian army lost the GREAT emu war. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhaaaahahahahahaaahhahahahahahhahahaahahahahahah

@pretentiousdude

3 ай бұрын

Not just the animals. The plants too. Goddamn gimpy-gimpy has a kill count and it isn't even toxic.

@Servo_M

3 ай бұрын

@@pretentiousdude It's (One of the world's most venomous plants) so how is not toxic?

@dennisvicarth6823

3 ай бұрын

The spiders alone would give me PTSD. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

"Deathtrap called Australia" hahahaha go my Aussie brothers!

@Ocker3

5 ай бұрын

Australian soldiers always know that they can rely on their Kiwi brethren.

@JoeySmith-ob4dq

5 ай бұрын

I can't stop laughing every time I hear it 🤣

@baldieman64

4 ай бұрын

The river is filled with large amphibious lifeforms. I wonder if they're friendly.

@01taran

4 ай бұрын

"If I had to conquer hell, I'd use Australians to take it and New Zealanders to hold it" Irwin Rommel.

@AFancyApe

4 ай бұрын

​@@baldieman64 of course the water animals with large mouths full of sharp teeth, and covered in scales sometimes made of bone are friendly, they have sideways facing eyes, clearly to watch out for predators as they feed on water plants, and totally not to look for more victims to drown in the water

I love how the best way to deal with a human is to either insult them, or explain that you were offended xD

@cesrez1316

21 күн бұрын

Humans love a good bar fight or insults being thrown around. 😂

"Let me tell you something about Hew-mons, Nephew. They're a wonderful, friendly people, as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those same friendly, intelligent, wonderful people... will become as nasty and as violent as the most bloodthirsty Klingon. You don't believe me? Look at those faces. Look in their eyes."

@ewil1337

2 ай бұрын

Quark was wise beyond even a Ferengis nature.

Lawyers. The most feared (and cruel) force in the Universe!

@danfallsfriend

5 ай бұрын

But you have to love how the webcomic Schlock Mercenary handles lawyers. It's a way through the story arc but worth it IMHO.

@sigma2.093

5 ай бұрын

Clearly you haven't had the misfortune of facing the dreaded insurance salesmen 😂

@neelp8064

3 ай бұрын

​@@danfallsfriendYes that schlock mercenary webcomic is epic and hilarious

@gent_Carolina

2 ай бұрын

Grammar lawyer says: *cruelest 😁

@Unicorn161

2 ай бұрын

They didn't really piss us off or the world would have convinced the US to unleash it's federal tax collectors (IRS agents).

Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games.

@jerometruitt2731

5 ай бұрын

FUCK YEAH!

@burningsnow9870

4 ай бұрын

As Filthy Frank would say "Welcome to the rice fields motherfucka!"

@r.k2866

4 ай бұрын

do you mean the Vietnak games from the 1955-1975? then yes you are rigth Or did you meant the Amazonian tribes.

@keithlukens4400

3 ай бұрын

Its the first 2 verses to a rock song. Its a refference, essentially.​ @r.k2866

...The one part of the story I found unbelievable was dismantling half the fleet. If they were at all functional, those things would be turned into cargo freighters and passenger cruise ships.

@mardus_ee

5 ай бұрын

The ships ought to have maintained their armaments, and then done cargo and transport anyway.

@eleklovatka7666

5 ай бұрын

Maybe that's what "dismantling" meant in that context... that the ships have been gutted (of weapons) and sold, then retrofitted as cargo vessels for private companies like MSLE (Musk Space Logistic Enterprises). It's cheaper to buy a car, than start your own car manufacturing company and build every part of it from scratch, so I too would think, that they were not dismantled into parts, but made it available for civilian use. I don't know, if that's how the author thought as well, but I'll just assume that this was meant by it.

@jlvfr

5 ай бұрын

or sold of...

@Handlesaredumbm8

5 ай бұрын

Take note it's the alien that's saying dismantling. Their meaning might be different from Dirt's 😂

@Swindle1984

5 ай бұрын

"No no, this isn't a warship, it's a cargo vessel." "Your cargo vessel is 90,000 tons of armor, engines, and weaponry, and 10,000 tons of cargo." "Well, you know, pirates and all." *sips coffee*

You had me at "Death trap that is Australia"

@bozhijak

5 ай бұрын

Even the butterflies are predators.

@Ocker3

5 ай бұрын

We're proud of how dangerous our smallest wildlife are 😜

@SH-qs7ee

5 ай бұрын

*In an Aussie accent* "Unleash the spiders!"

@SpectroliteDS2400

5 ай бұрын

As an Aussie, I approve.

@Charlie94781

5 ай бұрын

@@bozhijak Australian butterflies have poison dust they use against predators

I just watched Rebel Moon which cost 166 million...then there was the 600 million combined cost of the final Star Wars trilogy movies...and this short story was 100 times better and would make a fantastic space opera trilogy. I enjoy writing myself and this style of story is my personal favorite. Well done with this future "history" of humanity.

@krazywolve

5 ай бұрын

I'm properly chuffed to be favorably compared to Star Wars, thank you.

@pogo1140

5 ай бұрын

the original Star War movie production budget in 1977 is worth 54,981,850.58 in 2023 dollars, in total the original trilogy cost 296,977,760 in 2023 dollars

@justinmc9287

5 ай бұрын

@@pogo1140 Huh? The "final trilogy" if you read closely. I said nothing about the original. And I was wrong. The final trilogy cost about 1.2-1.3 BILLION ($1,200,000,000 etc.) to produce whereas I thought it cost half that to produce that dumpster fire.

@Power5

5 ай бұрын

This is a very similar story as Star Wars and Rebel Moon. Biggest difference is the Empire is Alien and not humanoid. Though no idea what a Delpan looks like. May be a humanoid like the green guy in the image or they may look more like the xenomorph inspired assassin. Either way a few overthrow the many to right the wrongs. This was a well written story but the plot has been done many times before.

@lelanderickson1045

5 ай бұрын

Ever read any of the works of Joseph Campbell?@@Power5

I laughed so fricking hard when i heard "Then the Humans unleashed the most vicius weapon in their arsenal- Lawyers"

I love the swap from "humans are weak, and the friends we make and our adaptability make us great" to "adreneline fueled rage monsters who wont just kill to save their own lives, but kill to avenge those that are already dead."

Lawyers being our worst weapon literally made me spit coffee

"Spartans, what is your profession?!" "War! War! War!"

Good short story. Honestly, the worst thing aliens could do would be to invade us. It’s probably the only thing that would ever unite us enough to stop killing each other. And once all that aggression is pointed outward… whatever gods you believe in help you, because its never a war crime the first time, and we got a bunch of shiny new toys we just “strategically transferred”.

@septimus7524

5 ай бұрын

Honestly probably not EVERYONE would unite. Most of us sure, but I can definitely see something happening much like the Crusades. As in: Bulk of Crusader states go to war together... ..smaller states stay behind and pillage their under-defended neighbors. I can definitely see some people's viewing Alien Invasion as an opportunity to increase their own power and position against their competitors.

@projectdeveloper9311

4 ай бұрын

Ah yes, the three most powerful points to make during a war: 1) It's never a warcrime the first time 2) The Geneva convention is more like a suggestion 3) To Strategically Transfer Equipment to an Alternate Location (S.T.E.A.L)

@nullpoint3346

4 ай бұрын

@@septimus7524 Doesn't help if the returning force is even more powerful than when it left, as rare as it is.

@bluzercic

4 ай бұрын

any alien that is advanced enough to travel to us would have 1000000000000x more advanced toys then we do.

@projectdeveloper9311

4 ай бұрын

@@bluzercic Yeah, the only chance we could hope to have is if two things happen: 1)Tthey want to take the planet more or less intact 2) They suck A LOT at warfare

funny part is if he did insult back or start a fist fight he would probably be invited to the bar for a drink right after and have a new human friend.

@mycroft16

3 ай бұрын

We are a truly bizarre species. We will lay waste to your planet if you come for ours. But engage us in a fair gentlemanly fight and win or lose, drinks are on us.

Yes, humans can accomplish amazing things when they don't let idiots divide them.

@nickshevlin4063

4 ай бұрын

Or rule them as well.

@neelp8064

3 ай бұрын

True. Humanity potential is infinite

@proodjjuice-hz5sn

Ай бұрын

​@@nickshevlin4063 Ur an idiot

I actually never thought how terrifying an attack dog must be for a species that comes from a planet with half or a third of Erath's gravity. It'd be like a child fighting a direwolf lol

Sounds a lot like xcom, but on a much larger scale. I felt the "and they immediately sent it to their scientists to study" classic human behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if the person who made this story played any of the xcom games, especially xcom 2, which literally follows the same plot.

@KeithElliott-zd8cx

4 ай бұрын

tbf, it's not exactly that unexpected a move, to get alien tech and go 'okay, let's figure out how it works'. it's not like xcom is the only source of that sort of move...

@Gleb08

4 ай бұрын

@@KeithElliott-zd8cx never said it was "unexpected" but I get your point about xcom not being the only source. You know that feeling when you recognize something you know well from one place in another? It was simply just that, the only reason I left that comment.

@KeithElliott-zd8cx

4 ай бұрын

@@Gleb08 yeah, i know man, no biggie. but the 'unexpected' part is more about, it's not like it's a strange move that is 'from' something. that's THE move. that's why it's in xcom. sort of, cart before the horse.

@aoki6332

4 ай бұрын

that because that the first thing we do in war all over human history when a new weapon is made the first thing to do is to get your hand on it and try to reverse engineering it

@Gleb08

4 ай бұрын

@@aoki6332 great point

This story was excellently written.

@procerusgigas

5 ай бұрын

The story is such bullshit, so full of holes, made by AI that still has a long way to go. .

@krazywolve

5 ай бұрын

Thank you kindly.

@leadingauctions8440

5 ай бұрын

​@@krazywolve Keep it up.

@edanridge3023

4 ай бұрын

I would’ve loved for the rebellion to be a lot more grinding and brutal, some dune type jihad shit lol but it was hella good

@Dekatelon

4 ай бұрын

It's okay, but lot's of inconsistencies. E.g. the customer not knowing human galactic history would be as if he wouldn't know about the second world war and that the Allies won it.

"And this is a thing no one will talk about, it's an example of how insane the race of humans can be. One of the species native to the planet for some horrific reason humans keep as companions, are furry little quadrupeds with a tail and big, cunningly intelligent eyes." "Doesn't sound so bad." "You would just be another fool who thought the same thing, only to his huge regret. These animals ingratiate themselves to the unsuspecting, making one drop their guard, thinking what a harmless little ball of fur. And in that instant it the malignant little monster turns into a screeching buzzsaw of razor-sharp flashing claws and needle sharp teeth, and the extremity you put forth to touch it is now nothing but shredded flesh leaking bodily fluids. And when they are done maiming you, you can't get your blaster out quick enough to hit one, they move like the wind." "What are these terrors called?" "Humans call them...." " What? What do they call them?" Eye starts twitching, he shudders and quickly downs his drink. "Kitties."

They basically treat us like Hornets. And you know the saying "Don't disturb the hornet's nest"

9:30 had me rolling XD, the point Australia is still a death trap for aliens says it all

"And the less I say about the death trap the humans call Australia, the happier I shall be" Best quote ever, right there

This was better than 90% of the Sci Fi entertainment we’ve been fed over the last 10 years on TV. No Mary Sues either which was refreshing.

Aliens asking humans why we fight each other so much: the Humans response: *PRACTICE*

“The less I say about the death trap humans call Australia…” 😂😂

I love this story...the alien calling our planet "dirt" made me chuckle. Very clever script. Well done. I've listened to this story numerous times. I love it. Xx

Loved that all of this story started because the human call him a son of a bitch. The guy was so mad that he went to the best assassin guild in the galaxy to kill him, just to find out the appropriate response to an offense is another offense, and like in math to negatives makes a positive

I like this one, good addition to "Humans as Orcs" Genre.

"Also , NEVER let them listen to "Freebird" unless there is no more hope"

Gordon R Dickson wrote a short story years ago. Danger: Human DO NOT TOUCH! it speaks to the danger of patience and determination.

What I find funny is in the mass effect series they pretty much have all the alien species look at humans as roaches to a degree like theyre good at fighting they just lack experience because theyre human. Meanwhile they fear the krogan and the krogan would basically be humanity in extremes such as the spartans.

@ElNeroDiablo

4 ай бұрын

Breed fast, Live quick, Die in a blaze of glory, Reshape galactic civilisation with each body and brain thrown at a problem. Sure we might have a lifespan of "only" 100 years compared to Asari with their 1000 year lifespan; but only 1/5th of that is growing to an age appropriate to start a new generation and a single male/female pair can pump out a new child roughly every 9 months on average (not accounting for twins and such, or accounting for multi-spousal arrangements) for about 20-30 years after reaching age of majority.

@RavenCloak13

4 ай бұрын

Not to mention that funny enough, humans and Krogans get along pretty well. Or in at least the Krogan characters are all fan favorites and honestly if they were a real species, humanity would probably be allied with them.

@johnmcconnell7052

4 ай бұрын

Well in reality most would consider the Krogan to be to brutal and Krogan would probably hate most of humanity due to how we would be considered weak in their eyes keep in mind they are evolution survival of fittest type of species.@@RavenCloak13

@ThePamastymui

4 ай бұрын

@@johnmcconnell7052 Krogan has a meeting in the colony. While walking there Krogan can feel their fear while walking past them. Krogan arrived to the point too early. He sees two children playing on the bench. Krogan is interested, Krogan approaches. Suddenly Krogan hears silence. Krogan looks around - everybody in the area is focused on him. Krogan steps back and turns around. Krogan meets his contact and everything goes back to normal. Krogan felt fear and humility, and was never the same...

@johnmcconnell7052

4 ай бұрын

@@ThePamastymui would also depend if he was around a peaceful society or a society of religion. Peaceful society would be mixed culture religious society would have its warriors out in the open if it was religious he'd encounter warriors pretty close to him

These stories never fail to entertain. Always different but along some similar lines, love listening to them.

"that deathtrap called Australia" lol that almost made me spit out my drink haha.

I'm somewhat blown away at Not only The story's structure and viewpoint on humans, but The way it made me feel. When I started it, I was just paying attention and listening as One does, But I soon started to realize I started feeling weird or funny with the way they were explaining humans and about how he you say not to go and attack them, and that's a bad idea. At first I started as a small smile and continue to be looking up at the screen. Then by the time he finished the statement on dropping a neutron bomb and leaving the galaxy my knees were too weak and i honestly think I blushed! I haven't read too many stories and my list of reads aint special or concrete but This is the first story that respectfully pushed me into taking some time acknowledge our strenths and what makes us human, be it good or bad. Also lets not forget another species decimated by our FAFO CARD 😂😂

@SH-qs7ee

5 ай бұрын

Never forget humanity is the ultimate victor of a billion year war of survival on a planet that often seems to be actively trying to kill us.

@septimus7524

5 ай бұрын

​@@SH-qs7ee And we should take Great Pride in. Our species has overcome ALLOT of sometimes actual *shit* being thrown at us. We shouldn't be so quick to dismiss our species as anything merely evil or bad just because we do shit that, frankly, any other sapient, advanced species would also do anyways.

@tjk3430

5 ай бұрын

​@@SH-qs7eefor now. Dinosaurs were on top at one point also. We have done great things, we're capable of even greater deeds but too entrenched in our societal structures that keep us wasting time & resources on war.

@glenngriffon8032

5 ай бұрын

"Hi! We're humanity. We're insane. We consume poison for fun and enjoyment. We took wild, dangerous predators and made them into our best friends. We altered almost every plant and animal that we came across on the genetic level without even understanding what genes or DNA was because well, we were bored. We connected our entire species in a global network of communication just so we can smack talk someone on the other side of the planet. We learned to harness the atomic power of the universe just to win a fight. We built machines that can speed along the ground faster than the speed of sound because we got bored again... piss us off and see what we build next. And don't worry, we probably won't wipe you out, heck we'll probably send you food but before we do we're gonna make you regret ever crossing us. Cause we're a planet of psychopaths."

@jerometruitt2731

5 ай бұрын

That weird funny feeling you felt....that's called pride 😂😂😂

Far better story than anything out of Hollywood in a long time.

@AlbertaGeek

5 ай бұрын

Still not original, though.

@drewwar9344

5 ай бұрын

​@@AlbertaGeek You do realize there are literally only five stories that exist in literature three if you break it down So you will never find an original story again. They will all follow a set pattern

@AlbertaGeek

5 ай бұрын

@@drewwar9344 I realize you think you're smarter than you are. kzread.info/dash/bejne/oYRnxZOhaNmYirQ.html

“The death trap they call Australia.”😆😆😆

@niyablake

5 ай бұрын

Well the only thing we have in the US is Florida and Florida man

I'm surprised human empathy wasn't brought up. I imagine humans after freeing slaves were also helping them reunite with their families and loved ones. Such acts of kindness and compassion often results in more allies and stronger bonds. I can picture a scenario were two slaves, a man and an alien male, form a friendship over their desire to see their families again. The alien constantly thinks about his son and when the rebellion reaches that planet, the human promises to reunite the alien with his son. After driving the Delpans from the planet the man fulfills his promise and reunites the two. Coincidentally the alien was also the leader of his people and promises the man the he and his people will stand with humanity until the very end.

@jameslilly3750

4 ай бұрын

Or die in a attempt to protect said alien

@seantaggart7382

4 ай бұрын

Indeed Empathy is a _Element of Friendship_ And no ITS NOT A *FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC* SORT OF CLICHÉ! its real! And its powerful

@CunningDeath

4 ай бұрын

I think that the logic there is that it is an assassin that is telling the story, he doesn't value empathy so they are less willing to credit a species for having it. The closest , that the alien assassin gets to giving humans "Empathy" as a virtue, was “they are fair” and didn't wipe out his guild.

Fear the humans, for they have one TERRIFYING weapon: Lawyers! XD Since i have both a grandfather and an uncle who are lawyers, i KNOW ;)

@bozhijak

5 ай бұрын

Brilliant!

One needs to remember that what humans did was a simple page from human history in how to deal in such situations.

@SpectroliteDS2400

5 ай бұрын

Classic Guerrilla warfare tactics, works like a charm.

@JoaoSoares-rs6ec

5 ай бұрын

@@SpectroliteDS2400 sometimes, but yes.

@sternguard8283

5 ай бұрын

@@SpectroliteDS2400ehhh, only if the conqueror cares to keep the territory, otherwise burning the land to ash is a good way to end that threat.

@septimus7524

5 ай бұрын

​@@sternguard8283 One doesn't conquer WITHOUT inherently caring about the physical territory. Depending on what is IN that territory, just glassing it is counter-intuitive to the whole point of conquest and expansion. ALL wars, no matter what it is.. The Crusades The Roman-Iranian wars WW1 and 2 And more All of them are inevitably based in and rooted in ONE thing. Economic gains for oneself, and economic blows to one's enemy. No one goes to war with the expectation of just obliterating their enemy, and walking away empty handed. You go to war to GAIN something. Land and territory have economic value. From industry, to infrastructure, to agriculture, to simple resources, there's tons of monetary reasons to occupy and hold a territory, if it has such value (which, usually, it does.)

@mycroft16

3 ай бұрын

Never invade a planet whose prime species has spent their entire existence at war with one another. Don't ever give them a common enemy.

These stories about how dangerous humans are, are the best. 😃 The stories about cats are good too.👍

@mk6315

5 ай бұрын

Both are chaotic creatures and very noisy

@fredbaumann3360

5 ай бұрын

@@mk6315 And both are overlooked, insulted or taken for granted at your own, often considerable risk! 🦁🐱🐯

@chrislaf89

5 ай бұрын

This one though....involved "lawyers". The most blood thirsty of all human warriors, unmatched in their battlefield of choice!

@nutricook1

5 ай бұрын

Yes. Warrior Cats.

@jamesbrice3267

4 ай бұрын

The moment cats develop opposable thumbs, we're doomed.

This guy is clearly a undercover spy. Trying to find any assassins that might still have grudge against humans.

Well, as the Delpan learned-- Somedays you eat the abatt, someday the abatt eats you.

@jackbrewster9766

4 ай бұрын

Somedays you eat the damnbeast, somedays the damnbeast eats you!

@SandraNelson063

3 ай бұрын

@@jackbrewster9766 Have you read Dave Weber?

@jackbrewster9766

3 ай бұрын

@@SandraNelson063 yeah march upcountry was one of the first scifi series i ever read. Still love it to this day. You don't mess with a mclintock!

a sci-fi where humans are ACTUALLY feared species? Wow... Never would thunk it

@xxmephxx

3 ай бұрын

Look up "humans are space orcs" stories.

@xxmephxx

3 ай бұрын

Look up "humans are space orcs."

“Thrice damned mouth,” might be the most creative insult I’ve heard in years.

This feels like classic space opera - something that Asimov, Dr. Smith or Heinlein would have written in their early days. (Love it.)

@Keithss1000

5 ай бұрын

Reminded me of The High Crusade (Poul Anderson)at least in spirit.

@hyperDarklord13

4 ай бұрын

Smith?

"those crazy primates love to fight, with words or with fists"

"By the time the trials were finished, the emperor himself died of old age..." U.S. Court system: *blushing* "You flatter me." I can talk; it's my home country.

The conquest of Dirt and up to the rebellion gave me strong "Battlefield Earth" vibes.

This was very engaging. I wish it were longer.

Assassin: The Delpan angered one human by killing his rabbit and family. Contractor: Did that human die? Assassin: On the contrary, that human by himself wiped out most of the Delpan's army before being sealed away. He still lives tho

If fiction and reality has taught me anything, humans are the rats and wasp of our galaxy. We breed like flies, fight like savages, and unite against common enemies, even ourselves. But we’re also clever bastards. We’re like crows figuring out puzzles, we steal and scheme. We must be a horrific species from the per-view of any aliens. Also love how the alien calls Earth “Dirt” multiple times. Because for some reason, humanity decided instead of switching our name to something like Gaia, or Terra, we’d still call ourselves “mud.”

Not the Lawyers!!! Those cruel humans, siccing the lawyers on them. Absolutely brutal fate for any civilized society.

@Night27272000

5 ай бұрын

There should be a law against using such a weapon

@bennyroads6290

4 ай бұрын

There was a law, however, the human lawyers made it no more ​@@Night27272000

The most fearsome force in the galaxy are human lawyers.

17:43 "what, the target is a hue" I didn't expect the story to continue after tens of seconds of silence lol

This is like a conversation that survivors of Ender's Game, the Formics, would say.

Canadian here. The mistake people make with is conflating kindness with weakness.

@derkurier2710

24 күн бұрын

Seams about right for a Canadian to say XD

Humans always seem to be the social glue that holds the disparate alien species together into a common galactic alliance community. 😂

I LOVE this story. Most HFY-Stories I've heard so far were boring power fantasies. (I mean... HFY is about power fantasies but most are just BORING.) The Recepy seems to be: "Alien underestimates Human. Humans effortlessly murder all aliens (in edgy fashion) and really enjoy it (on a very edgy level). Super advanced Alien Army is surprised with basic tactics and our brutal ballistic weapons for which they were absolutely unprepared." The "Enemy" is often dumbed down to an UNBELIEVABLE level, just to make the humans look badass. Humanity suffers no/minimal losses and wins by totally eradicating the enemy. ...But THIS story here... I like it. It is a "good power fantasy". Of course the aliens are defeated. Humanity wins. That was never the question. It is HFY. But humanity struggles. They get overrun, because humans are unprepared and stupid. But they adapt. And they get their moment to rise again! Good little story. With ups and downs. Nice. And most important - i does not take itself TOO seriously. Throws in a joke or two. It is just a good mix of everything. Did i say nice? Nice. ;)

@MarcosAlexandre-no3qx

4 ай бұрын

the nice point especially is that they use guerrilla tactics even in space. They cut the enemy suplies, hit supply worlds and hit and run the enemy fleets

Good Story, I especially liked the ending. Mankind can indeed be ruthless, but at the same time compassionate and forgiving. For example, how many countries has the U.S. basically defeated in battle but afterward helped them to rebuild their country, some of these even becoming future allies.

@007Kevler

4 ай бұрын

US assistance in the Middle East is especially noticeable. the entire region is in ruins and no trace of past economic prosperity remains. Excellent invaluable help.

@ilovejettrooper5922

2 ай бұрын

"For example, how many countries has the U.S. basically defeated in battle but afterward helped them to rebuild their country..." The Fat Electrician has an excellently told example of this: kzread.info/dash/bejne/m6uN1ruQiLPImKw.html

I wanna hear a story about a human slave on one of the mining plantets befriending all the other enslaved, alien races, and trying to convince them to help him in rebellion! What’s funny is it makes a sense that an alien assassin wouldn’t want to kill a human, vengeance is a huge thing for us, it exists in all our cultures and would become so persistent that we had to make laws to stop it 😂

“That beer you’re drinking? HUMANS created that.”

"Never able to pin down the humans in a fair fight". Because we took the advice of a fictional character to heart: Odo: You'd shoot a man in the back? Garak: Well, it's the safest way

@UncleJoeJoe

5 ай бұрын

Ah, Garak…the most reliable character ever. Loves me some Garak wisdom 🥰

@NorthForkFisherman

5 ай бұрын

@@UncleJoeJoe The wisdom of a plain and simple tailor.

@HO-bndk

5 ай бұрын

That notion is in Sun Tzu from 2,500 years ago.

@NorthForkFisherman

5 ай бұрын

@@HO-bndk No, it was written down 2500 years ago. We've done this sketchy shit since the day we learned to walk upright and carry sharp sticks. I mean, dude, have you not met other humans?

@mycroft16

3 ай бұрын

Garak... such wisdom.

That was a great story and showed the better side of humanity.

Austrialia is also a death trap for humans so don't blame the alien elder assassin sentiment one bit.

@dandarr5035

15 күн бұрын

and yet there are 20 million or so humans living there. Sure, that might be small compared to the entire human population, but that's still not a small number.

This story was amazing to listen .

"Don't kill a human, a fist fight is okay though."

my favourite AI voice.... good story as well.

I’m a science fiction writer myself, but this was as fine a story as I’ve seen in quite a while, thanks.

I love a sci-fi story where humans are not the underdogs, or newcomers, but a threat and maybe even feared or respected by other races. It’s more rare in fiction but it gives me a weird sense of pride or hope in humanity

Alien: we have weapons that can wipe out your entire planet Human: we have Australia

These stories are like listening to a nerd explain why they are the best of all humans... because they slew a necromancer in DnD with a dandelion and dab of toothpaste.

You Killed My Dog And Kicked My Cat?? Son, you have 3 fingers of whiskey to run............

"When the Human hand strikes, it strikes with the strength of a legion. LET THE GALAXY BURN!"

Narrator: Africa Me: oh they done fucked up Narrator: Australia Me: ahahaha Narrator: Lawyers Me: AHAHAHAHAHA!

@septimus7524

5 ай бұрын

Wait 'till those Xenos hear about Appalachian hillbillies

This strongly reminds me of The Trouble With Humans, a collection of similar stories and counterpoint to The Trouble With Aliens.

The idea of earth being a death world by galactic standards is hilarious.

Damit, we needs a moive... I would loved a moive where we are the "aliens" in the story

As a litigation attorney this is basically porn 😂

@damien9683

5 ай бұрын

I can't fantom how someone just *dies* BECAUSE of the PROCESS of getting dragged through the judicial system. (the electric chair seems humane in comparison) Just HOW MUCH red tape did that Emperor get buried in by those lawyers!?