As a recovering pleaser and idealist, I have realized there is a desire to be useful without feeling used. People will take and take if your let them. Boundaries have become a friend!

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

Props to you mate 💪👏👍🙏

@jennajewert

Жыл бұрын

Same!

@nancybartley4610

Жыл бұрын

It is a difficult situation. Some of the literature insists we do it because we want to get something back. I hope that isn't always true. But is it wrong to treat others the way we want to be treated? Doesn't that make the world a better place for everyone? I, like you, have put up boundaries, but I'm not sure they are always friends.

@susanjara9288

Жыл бұрын

@@nancybartley4610 I was taught the same thing. I believe service is great if it doesn’t affect you emotionally or physically. What I don’t like is when it is expected of me because I lose who I am and my choices. Overtime, it became exhausting because I would put others before myself. So having a choice to say no I don’t have time (time boundary), perhaps later or for others not to have that expectation works for me. It’s balance and self-love.

@bellaluce7088

Жыл бұрын

@@nancybartley4610 It helps for me to think of it this way: Good people don't WANT to be "treated" to more than they give, or have people overextend themselves for their sake. They protect other people's boundaries as well as their own.

Givers definitely have to learn to set limits because takers don’t have any.

@joseville

Жыл бұрын

Great quote

@butterflychaser4538

4 ай бұрын

I needed to read this, thank you.

I really needed to hear the "being kind doesn't mean your stupid". Thank you. I've dealt with people taking advantage of me for most of my life too.

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

💗💗💗

@theirishfairy6281

Жыл бұрын

I have often felt like a complete idiot for being kind. It really is taken as weakness sadly.

@SK-ql3yf

Жыл бұрын

We are confused about being nice vs. kind. If you are a kind person, you should learn to love yourself first so that you can be genuinely kind to others.

@smustipher

Жыл бұрын

I had to learn the distinction between "kind" and "nice" a few years ago. I was a HUGE people pleaser, in the end it wasn't serving anyone for me to have no boundaries nor the other party to have no accountability. These days, I know when someone is a taker, and I decide before I deal with them how much tme or energy they will get from me. Best of luck out there, don't give up being kind.

@cosmoplakat9549

4 ай бұрын

Being kind and feeling stupid when young can lead to being older and wiser, though with a somewhat barbed attitude. It seems no matter what you do, when a friend asks to borrow money, the friendhsip is at risk. If you loan and then ask for payment, you're the bad guy and lose the friend and the money. If you loan and then silently stew over nonpayment, you feel used and the friendship rots, and you lose the money. If you loan and they pay, but it's probably a struggle for them, they may get angry and resentful that you have plenty and are still expecting them to pay back. If you say no, you might lose the friend anyway, but at least you won't also lose your money.

My therapist said “Don’t be a victim of your virtue.”

@suzer77539

Жыл бұрын

Love that!

@sliga.studios

Жыл бұрын

wow that is powerful... thank you

@TruthFelt

13 күн бұрын

Fantastic!

My new saying is: "DON'T TAKE MY KINDNESS FOR WEAKNESS!" I wish I knew that in my childhood.

@yoselinmanjarrez9464

7 ай бұрын

It’s never too late to learn. There’s nothing we can do in our past. What matters is that you start on it today and keep that as a future reference.

“So kind, I forgot to be clever.” Oof that hits home.

I've pretty much always oscillated between being too open and vulnerable, and being completely walled off. Probably a part of CPTSD, but having trust issues is hard, but not knowing who is trustworthy can be just as difficult.

@rubin-healmysocialanxiety702

Жыл бұрын

Definitely, that's a hard balance to strike. Keep learning and exploring 🙌

@chloeatha

8 ай бұрын

i hear you 100%

I went to a dance class and I was the only one that showed up. At the end of the class the instructor needed a ride so I let her ride with me. She didn’t offer gas money and it threw my energy off. Once we got to our destination she needed a ride again. I instantly said no with no explanation and she got upset. Felt good asserting myself for once. I let her ride 15 miles for free and she had the audacity to be upset. Im learning to stop taking on others problems because it’s not my problem and I don’t have to deal with it. I’m falling in love with my mean side now.

@stephaniepiazzese2602

3 ай бұрын

lol,, thank you!!!im getting there as well, ( my mean side)❤❤❤❤

@anushree8984

Ай бұрын

​@stephaniepiazzessame❤❤I just realised that I'm taken advantage of and I have to create boundariese2602

@stellaadler120

Ай бұрын

You can't expect people to read your mind. You shouldn't have offered a ride without also mentioning that you expect gas money in return. That 15 miles cost you $3. Sometimes, it's good to be a blessing to someone without expecting anything in return. Remember, you offered the ride.

@Ashleyunfiltered

19 күн бұрын

@@stellaadler120true

This is so hard, I really struggle with this. I also really struggle to except there are bad people out there that can rob you of your peace. Feels like such an unsafe world to be in.

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

I definitely understand where you're coming from especially considering we've lived through a pandemic and all of the ridiculous headlines in mainstream media

This is very real, I was a very vulnerable person, and people took advantage of my generosity, kindness, and a bit naivety to the world. These are all good life lessons to learn, thank you Kate❤

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

Of course.. and I am so sorry you've gone through it too. xoxo

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

It happened with me as well.

@enterthebruce91

9 ай бұрын

@@EmbraceTheStruggle24 Me as well, I know the feeling of being taken advantage of. Cruel, cold hearted people seem to thrive in this world while generous, kind and patient people are made to eat dirt. It's so wrong and just goes to show how evil the world is, or at least can be at times. Blessings to you.

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

9 ай бұрын

@@enterthebruce91 yep definitely can't deny that, lol I appreciate the gesture and peace ✌🙏

@SamaHassen-gn9wi

6 ай бұрын

same i thought i might do somthing nice for my class before winter break and gave out cookies some people didn't say thankyou so were fooling around making it harder for me to hand out the cookies like playing with the plates some people kept asking for more some were screaming at me at the same time and i regreted my desision and now i am starting to rethink my choices if i should do anything nice for some people in my class.i appreciate the people who wanted to help me hand them out and said thankyou but still i just can't do anything like that i felt like a dumb person and since a lot of people were screaming my teacher coudn't teach the class i feel horrible like its all my fault

I used to be super naive but the moment I got pushed too far I stopped caring about people and it really weeded out those who were taking advantage of me quick. Better off without the leeches.

@SamaHassen-gn9wi

6 ай бұрын

same people took advantage of me when i handed out cookies in my class screaming not saying thankyou and asking for more i don't think i will ever do anything nice again

@TruthFelt

13 күн бұрын

​@@SamaHassen-gn9wiSad.

I was a vacation destination for friends/family. I was always the host and never the guest. It was very expensive & time consuming to where I had to stop & say "No" risking losing the relationship. Now I say "no overnight guests." I'm healing from cancer & autoimmune issues and was feeling drained. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm & happy." Thank you Kati !

@thinabliss8000

8 ай бұрын

This is the reason why I'm watching this

@firehorse9996

4 ай бұрын

Where did you live? Was it a tourist destination? My first couple years after I moved to Paris for work, everyone came! But I loved it because that saved me the price of plane tickets to return to the States for many years. BUT my very financially well-off sister always wanted to go to expensive restaurants that I could not afford and insisted on splitting the bill 50-50 so by the time she left I was broke! Couldn't even withdraw 40 euros from the ATM and she just got on the plane and took off. Never even offered to give me any money to tide me over until next payday. Now I make it clear if dinner is involved, they are paying for me or they're on their own.

This really really hurts because I’ve also been a victim of really really bad friends!!! I once had a girlfriend who was struggling , so I offered to take her out to a fancy steakhouse . She drove to the city from a small nearby town, I paid for her parking and I paid for the dinner and she said she would drop me home. After the dinner she goes or I just wanna go home and I had to pay quite a bit to get home on a cold winter night ,mind you dropping me home would’ve cost maybe five dollars in gas and the cab charged over 30!! If someone can travel out of town to the city for a free dinner, sure they can drive someone nearby!!

I really appreciate this. I'm Christian, and sometimes it's hard for me to see the line between sacrifice and self-harm.

@jennajewert

Жыл бұрын

Yes, we are taught to serve and put other's needs before our own, especially as women. It's hard not to mistake service for being a doormat.

@kyliejones8827

Жыл бұрын

Religious doctrine/dogma can cause significant problems.

@ig6851

Жыл бұрын

I’m a christian and I’ve learned BOUNDARIES. People will use you up if you don’t develop healthy boundaries! It’s ok to say “No” and “Not at this time.” Don’t allow people to use you to serve until you are drained, even God rested.👌 A good book to read, Boundaries by Henry Cloud

@glitteryapple6819

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same way as a christian. The way I cope is if I feel resentful about it I don't do it. Pray to God about being more generous and kind.😘

@19MadMatt72

Жыл бұрын

Love can and often requires saying “no”. Also, are you helping someone in want, or someone in need. You should feel joy from helping. Tired, pooped, worn-out sometimes, yes. You should still feel joy. If not, then rethink. God bless!

Thank you. I had to take a landlord to court too for not giving us our deposit back. It was a good learning experience. We were only 22 at the time. We learned pretty quickly that people aren't always kind around money.

I made it impossible for me to ever have someone take advantage of me. Realizing that my, "friends," were the main ones taking advantage of me, I simply deleted all of them from my life and never replaced any of them. To be social is inviting someone to take advantage of you, especially in the modern, self entitlement, era. Now I am more self-reliant, independent, resourceful, free, than I have ever been. I require nobody in my life with the way most people are today. Today, nobody knows me. This assures I can never have hypocrites, liars, parasitical people, nor backstabbers in my life. I hope I never have a social life again.

@Jess-kn8vl

Жыл бұрын

This is sad, and I can relate. I wouldnt tell anyone to isolate but for some of us its necessary, at least for awhile.

@Michelle-uh7zy

Жыл бұрын

I could have written this myself. People can’t believe I haven’t been on a date in over 5 years and plan to never date again. Even my vacations I stay at home alone because I just don’t like people anymore 😢

@saraabbah4408

Ай бұрын

@@Michelle-uh7zy😢 I am sharing the same feeling here. It is so sad to be kind and naive. People I knew in my life showed me that I mean nothing to them, with me they have no limits and enjoy seeing me totally destroyed. I wish I can change.

"People pleasers don't have a ton of confidence so we work extra hard for people in hope that they will like us" this hits hard. As someome with low self-esteem I've always felt that I am never good enough so I would always move mountains for people who ended up taking advantage of me and put their needs before mine and I would still never feel good enough.

@caseyhill9737

3 күн бұрын

Same here 😢

I have struggled with being taken advantage of for a long time in a little more than half of my jobs I've had so far (employee/ employer power dynamics can be easily abused at work) Sadly with my parents as well for most of my life too. Really good points to keep in mind for empaths, people pleasers, very agreeable people, etc... we need to protect ourselves from maniplutative, toxic people or even dangerous emotional predators like narcissists and cluster B's. There's a great quote that I need to remind myself of when I get a glimpse of someone's true character or a public facing "mask" slips: "When someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time."

My mom always told me that there is usually no people that want the best for you, and I have always struggled to believe that, I have always seen it differently, but she has kinda been right😂 😢

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

She seems like she has a lot of wisdom 👏🙏

@Hinatafan4ever666

Жыл бұрын

I want the best for people. I think more people feel that way than you think. Just don't assume that that's how people feel.

@anitasue3208

Жыл бұрын

When u have different experiences in life that have taught you many lessons it does feel like it’s true. People are not like me I.e they don’t come with pure intentions: loving, kindness, empathy etc. Because your quiet k humble they think they can take advantage of you!

@TruthFelt

13 күн бұрын

Our believes form our realities. Shame on your mom for planting that seed in your head. Just think if she had planted something powerfully good about people, then you would be experiencing that.

It still seems so impossible to stop people pleasing and set boundaries. I'm aware I have to, but when it comes time I don't, and I can see myself failing helplessly in real time. I hope one day I can say no.

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

What has helped me is to brainstorm easier boundaries to set first (or maybe ones you already set that you didn't even realize). It was easier for me to set boundaries with people I didn't know too.. instead of people I was close to. I also worked first to stop over apologizing all the time :) Not sure if that helps at all, but know that you can start with easier ones first. xoxo

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

​@@Katimortonthis is awesome to know ❤

@whereisthebeto

Жыл бұрын

@@Katimorton thank you, I'll make my best effort to practice this

@rubin-healmysocialanxiety702

Жыл бұрын

Do you mean in the heat of the moment it's hard to speak up for yourself and/or say no? Just trying to understand better

@whereisthebeto

Жыл бұрын

@Rubin - Heal My Social Anxiety yes, exactly. I get asked to do something and I know I don't want to do it, and I could say no and it would probably be ok, but I don't. I say yes in order to avoid the overwhelming anxiety of the possible repricussions due to my excessive over-thinking, if that makes sense.

I had a new “friend” invite me over to help him build ikea furniture. It was really boring but I thought it showed I’m a good friend. That was the last time we hung out. Guess I got taken advantage of 😭😂

@LEONLOVESMUSIC

Жыл бұрын

Not first time rgt?

@icu3869

Жыл бұрын

Maybe this friend saw how bored you were and figured it wasn’t meant to be.

The reality is that there are users, abusers, wicked and opportunistic people in the world - not everyone is kind, empathetic, trustworthy, decent, reasonable or even lawful. Beware, because you always need to count the cost if you give of anything! Wisdom and understanding goes a long way!!

Thanks for sharing this, I have worked on being better assertive these last 3 or more years. A recent situation I've had was at work. My work used to include everyone's birthday prior to the inflation, and at that time, coworkers barely remembered my birthday and did not look excited to celebrate it like other coworkers. After that we stopped the birthday thing for a while. Then one day, about two weeks ago, a coworker sends an email saying we're going to celebrate coworkers who have a May birthday, wants others to bring a homemade dish or at least donate $10. I responded to that email saying "I'm not participating nor attending." This coworker decided to respond with "Sounds great, thanks." It took her I think 2-3 days to respond. That response tells me she likely knows I'm not stupid. Another coworker who's a higher up pulled me aside privately and I told her how I felt by saying "I don't think birthdays should be celebrated unless everyone is included, my birthday was barely remembered the last time and that I'm tired of this nonsense." That coworker agreed and told me someone said the same thing, she also said she will try to work out this issue. So thankful the way I spoke up because I'm also working on not being a people pleaser anymore.

I was sad to see this past week that an elderly woman in my town was scammed online for over $50,000 by a foreigner. She was so manipulated that when her bank questioned her about the wire transfer to a foreign country she lied to them and said it was for a relative. People need to watch out for their elder parents and educate them on the risks of communicating with others on the internet.

I no longer have any friends because all they have done to me is take advantage of kindness. One example is when my ex and I broke up, I wanted to have our bed taken away (he moved out and took all other furniture). A friend asked me for the bed. All she had to do was pick it up. I held on to the bed for 18 months and asked numerous times when she was going to get it! Finally, 2 days before house closing, she came to pick up the bed bc I had told her pick up today or I have to dispose of it. I also had our lawn mower out so anyone who wanted it could take it. We'll, she wanted it but couldn't pick it up till the next day. She didn't come the next day so I left it out and someone else took it that night. The next day was closing and I was out and the house was empty. She drove by house and saw the mower was gone and had the nerve to call me at work and rip into me. How dare I give HER lawn mower to a stranger!

Storytime: One time a good girlfriend invited me to her birthday party. I was also good friends with her best friend. I arrived and contributed $150 to our friend for the VIP table. Then they decided that they wanted to bar hop instead... the girl did not immediately return my money. I sent her a request for payment and she ghosted me. I then screen shot the request and sent it to the birthday girl who was very close with (for years) and she also ghosted me. I had been "friends" with the birthday girl for 5 years or so. I had even shown up at her graduation with lavish congratulatory presents. It was a disappointing wake up call to say the least.

@apextroll

Жыл бұрын

That $150 may have saved you a lot of time effect and money down the line. When you lend money and it is not returned, think of it as an investment. Often, it is a deterrent for them to ask for more money. And if they do, then you can hold that against them.

@eoinMB3949

Жыл бұрын

The ghosting is the real exposer of character. People who engage in this practice are effectively cowards and as such its a massive red flag.

@melvayaredaguilar

Жыл бұрын

that is what alcohol does. it slows down our cognitive functions

Learn to be "evil"... better: learn to be unconfortable with bad sensation of say no or to demand that is fair. It is all about practice

A lesson that took me a while to learn: When you have valid reasons for not getting something done, like a physicals limitation ( I have severe Rheumatoid Arthritis flares), that is a reason, not an excuse. If someone, especially a boss (or someone in what I call a position of unilateral control ), treats valid reasons as an excuse or will not listen, excuse them from your presence. Excuse them from your life if you have to.

I had my therapist take advantage of me. They had just started their own private practice and wanted me to work for them because they said I was very smart and would be a good fit for the practice. They also promised me pay when the practice could afford to pay employees (this honestly should have been a red flag). I worked with them for nearly 5 years and never got paid for the work even though they kept promising me they would. I regret being so "kind" to them because I thought they were genuienlly looking out for my best interest, but it turned out they were only using my as free labor in the end and when they found someone else, they had no problem ghosting me. I was a people pleaser and got easily felt guilty when I asked for pay. I thought for years my therapist didn't pay me because I wasn't performing well enough, despite being the only one to do the finances and billing, marketing, cleaning, and technology installations (cameras, computers, TVs, lights, etc.). I was in university at this time and I gave up so much of my studies to help my therapist with their practice that I ended up neglecting my studies all together and wasting all my time in university. I spent too much time "working" with the practice because my therapist said I should consider a job in psychology or administration instead of what I was pursuing (which was finance). Asking for money was off the table because they would reply with "you're doing this so you can help the community" or "think of others you can help with this position working with me", which made me feel so bad for asking for pay. The worse part was during our sessions, we would spend more time talking about their practice and what I could do to help it grow than helping me overcome my struggles. I struggle so much with trust after working with them and to this day I can not trust anyone I come across. I am always assuming that people are lying because the person that I thought I could trust lied to me so much. I struggle with friends that reach out to me for help because I always think they just want to use me and will not be there for me. The worst part is I don't trust therapists at all because of my former therapist. I can't go into session and believe what they say without feeling like I'm being lied to. I feel incredibly broken and there's no way I can "fix" myself. I feel like I will continue to have trust issues for the rest of my life. Apologies if it doesn't make sense, I didn't proof-read because it's rather uncomfortable to read.

@rubberbiscuit99

Жыл бұрын

Toxic mental health professionals are pure evil.

@lonefaolan6042

Жыл бұрын

It’s very understandable why you don’t trust after that.

@y.y.1743

4 ай бұрын

Report the therapist!!!!

@anushree8984

Ай бұрын

This is too bad

I don't often comment but this is spot on and I often say the same thing - don't mistake my kindness and generosity with stupidity. I've ended quite a few so called "friendships" and relationships because people took advantage of my kindnes. I do take some responsibility on my part of course. People will only push you as far as you let them and the kinder or generous you are be it money, time, attention, the more they will take. I don't wish to fall in the 'victim mentality' trap either. It's more about lessons learned, how can I spot the signs early and maybe on some occasions take a few steps back. So this is really helpful thank you (it's not alway easy to spot when you're being taken advantage of). I do often wonder about the term "people pleaser" which can come with a sense of shame. But I too come from a religious background and generation where we were told to put others and their needs before our own, so no wonder all we ever do is do good by others and put their needs before our own. Otherwise you're just selfish and thats a big no no or worse - evil (I saw your Religious trauma video and that was on the point too). All we are left to do now is challenge old beleives, undo year's of conditioning and do better for ourselves so keep doing what you're doing to raise awareness. Thank you🙏❤️

This video came right in time for me as I have recently have had to deal with an ungrateful coworker at who I kind of extended a kind deed towards but thought I wasn't doing enough for him and thought that I should do more. Now I don't know if this is the best piece of advice but, one tip that I have is to not give too much of your heart out to people, especially upon just meeting them. If you offer to help them let the other person know right away the limit to which you will take out of your own time to attend to them. The same goes for anybody asking you for help. Never feel that you are selfish for not doing something for somebody that you don't have enough time or energy for. Edit: You can still be kind to people while protecting yourself from falling prey to being taken advantage of. Always keep new people in your life at an arms length until you get to know them better. Hope this helps.

Thank you so much for this video! I thought I'm quite lonely in this experience and there is a sign on my forehead that says "I'm comfortable making myself a pushover" thank you for explaining what it means to take responsibility for our part of this dance.

You are spot on. Someone has rightly said: "If you do a favor to somebody, protect yourself from his/her evil deeds (in return)." That is the basic principle - never expect or wait for something in return and move on instead is the best policy. Otherwise, such unwise expectations are going to sow the seeds of sorrows; ending up in a mess.

I was in a vulnerable place fresh from toxic relationship and a con man of a guy came and pretended to be my hero. He made me feel seen & heard and validated all my insecurities. He made me emotionally dependent on his moods which decided if we had a good day or bad day.. he said "i only want to help and support you" and "make you happy" and while I didn't need him to make me happy I was happy a guy was so into me and loved me sm. He quickly started belittling me, shaming, mocking me and took my mental health situation and kindness and understanding for granted and abused me mentally and SAd me. He kept saying i was "so innocent" and had "a big heart" bc he saw i wasn't aware of the games at first. He forced me to do things I wasn't comfortable doing and totally dismissed me and never apologized when I got the strength to confront him. He put me thru so much abuse and would give flowers & gifts so I dont fully heal and move on. I was giving him everything he wanted and hardly said no. He didn't have to abuse me to get sxx but I learned in therapy he was actually after control. And when im hooked on him he will have less lovebombing to do bc im so addicted. Which was starting to happen. Im glad I walked away and tried to leave 4x. I am gathering the strength to press charges on him for DV and SA but im not used to holding ppl accountable or fighting for myself. Pray I find the strength. Send me good vibes bc justice would bring me so much peace and closure.

@autumnmariewagaman

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your story. ❤ prayers to you. I’m sorry you went through this

This is so real. Is important to stand up for ourselves when is needed ❤

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely 💯

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

I'm not sure you understood really what is talked here. She DID stand up for herself and she still felt like crap. She did all things humanly possible to stand up for herself and more - and still she felt like wrong, contaminated and dysregulated. It is not about standing up for yourself at all - it is about toxic shame and toxic people and that we take the blame on ourselves. We are conditioned to blame and pathologize ourselves when evil people come across our lives.

@kflecha1

Жыл бұрын

@@ranc1977 This is just my polite opinion I’m not discussing the point of the video here. I believe that is important to stand up for ourselves when is needed that’s all.

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

@@kflecha1 Swing from one extreme to another. We absorb everyone and take it all on OR we close the shutters and not let any information inside. Both are dysfunctional modes.

I'm collecting a growing list of people that are manipulative/abusive/fraudsters that I have had to extract myself from. What I would love to know is 'how to pick them in a crowd so that I can turn away early and not engage with them?' Also I fear that my body language, words, naivety, kindness or cooperation some how puts a 'pick me' target on my head. So how do I not advertise myself to them? Whilst also being open to building real friendships with kind, honest & authentic people.

@micheledelarosa2782

Жыл бұрын

Same question. I just want to identify them and run the other way as fast as I can! Run Forest Run! 😂 blood suckers! Ugh!

I personally had a friend account get hacked and I know her in real life and I didn't know her account was hacked, and she asked me to join a clothing group, like she was going to start selling clothes and I agreed, and next thing you know my whole Instagram was hacked, and I had to look up a video on KZread, it was the most stressful thing I ever had to deal with, because I use my Instagram account to review products and I don't have a big following but the work I put into it was almost disabled by trying to regain my account.

Our whole society is vulnerable. Looks at the crooks we vote for and all the dumb crap we buy, food choices we make, etc. We're kept dumb by the ruling class.

@icu3869

Жыл бұрын

You have all the tools to make informed choices- how is the “ruling class” keeping you dumb?

I battled this majority of my life. I now know how to recognize when someone is taking advantage of my kindness. I am more confident with standing up for myself.

I'm having a really hard time with setting boundaries. I know when I need to set them, cause I'm getting this heavy feeling inside, but just the thought of actually doing it makes me very anxious and afraid. This one "friend" (or whatever) was using me as an emotional dumpster for the last couple of weeks, cause I apparently let her do that by not saying NO. Me being a social worker is already draining my entire energy, and I definitely should have been clear with that friend of mine, but I wasn't. The result was outburst at work. I almost resigned and acted totally unprofessional. I can't forgive myself for my behavior and keep ruminating about destroying everything I achieved. I really don't know how to let go of the shame and the guilt eating me alive. Why couldn't I just put myself first? Why I let the stress overwhelm me and this "friend" to suck the energy out of me? When will I learn damn it!

@louisaa.4614

Жыл бұрын

dont be hard on yourself as others are to blame for using your good heart

In this world, people will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your time is the most valuable thing you can give. So to not allow them to take advantage, we have to just not give them any more of our time. It's good to tell them why though even if they will disapprove or disagree. It could be like reproving them and they might potentially learn something. I like how you mentioned earning things. It's like that saying in the world, "you have to EARN my respect". That is so foolish and the oppisite of wisdom if you think about it. That's like giving ourselves an excuse to be disrespectful to others. So true wisdom means that everyone deserves respect immediately and at all times. We should always be respectful, but also willing to walk away from those that refuse to be respectful. There are people out there that won't take advantage of others no matter what, but they are few in number. That would be a true friend.

I recently had the weirdest experience with my wife ( married 8 together 15 years) she was asking me to work with her on a home business project 20hour committed over 2 days. Normally I just do these things without hesitation because of course you support your S.O. but I decided to try to use a stepping stone to saying no from a book I'd read. "Sure, as long as you will commit to helping me with the yard for 2 hours Sunday. So I don't fall behind on the yard work" to my shock she threw her phone into the parking lot and said I don't have time for your bullshit il do it myself since you are so fucking busy. I've never seen her like that before and even now 2 weeks later she acts like her screen being cracked is my fault. I don't even know what or how to approach this now.

@AF-gj8to

Жыл бұрын

Definately a red flag. Is that a temporary thing (she might be overwhealmed, super over worked, feels drawned) OR think carefully: were there similar situations already in the past? Is she genuinly supporting you, loving and caring or always making sure that she gets most out of a situation? Also think about her behaviour in situations with other people..

I've had that kind of situation with landlords. I couldn't prove that I'd played them a deposit so they got away with ripping me off. Private landlords are a bunch of crooks. I've had many other instances where I've been taken advantage of and one day I just decided never to do anything for anyone ever again.

I hadn’t realise till what happened recently with a friend how much of a people pleaser I have been being and yes that’s the trouble people take your kindness as weakness and therefore there’s plenty of users & abusers out there to hurt & betray you! It’s got to the point I’d rather be alone than be with these fake friends/snakes! Thanks for your informative video. x

I was taken advantage of by my trauma therapist. Took all my savings money, 1000s of dollars over two years, promising healing techniques that never came or even started. Promising she wasn't like the six therapist's before her, she would never abandon me. Dealing with severe cptsd. But I only got cancelations, postponements and excuses and left me in crisis. That was three weeks ago. I will never trust therapist's ever again. 😢

@ambercara2139

Жыл бұрын

They're not all like this I promise you x I'm SO sorry you've experienced this, it's so so damaging and you did not deserve that X I really hope you one day find one that works with you to heal this x you can do it ❤

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

Sorry you went through this.... 🙏🙏🙏🙏 I can't imagine they're all like that.

I'm dealing with the fallout from going no contact with a narcisistic mother. A lot of these points I feel every day. Especially the one where i'm allowed to take up space. One thing I did notice is a rather amusing combo. I am learning to set boundries and that i'm allowed to set boundries. I ask my friends to do so in combination with expectation management. Some people around me have a hard time setting boundries as well and they let me know that they found the way i communicated how I expected them to set a boundry so we were clear on eachother's expectations very helpful. It took away a base feeling of guilt they often felt. The plus side for me, is that it also means that i'm allowed to set boundries and they also help me with that. I have to admit, i have some truely awesome friends and we help eachother get through past trauma.

Omg I feel you so so hard in this video, Katie. When you talked about being embarrassed about the story about the horrible landlord and blaming yourself, all I could do was nod because I’ve been there and it’s something I’m working through. I remember being deathly afraid to speak up for myself and felt convinced that friends, partners and relatives would lash out at me and punish me for speaking my truth because other relatives did the same to me when I was very young. It’s such a sucky feeling when you’re taken advantage of, and I’m trying to remind myself that the people who want to and deserve to be in my life and have a healthy relationship with me, aren’t going to be upset with me for setting boundaries and saying no. I’m also trying to listen to my gut and be honest about how I feel and giving people an opportunity to show up for me (or not). Forcing myself to feel the fear but set the boundaries and speak up for myself anyway and seeing how people have surprised me and have been receptive to my needs and desires has been very healing, has led to a lot of growth and has led to a much better understanding of myself and my needs ❤ best of luck to my fellow recovering people pleasers!

Why don't we learn all that from our parents when we're young children... 💔🖤🤧

@almondmilksoda

Жыл бұрын

I know. It's so frustrating. Instilling healthy, robust self-esteem in your child should be the #1 priority for parents.

This was helpful. I sometimes struggle with one sided relationships where I attract people who take a lot. I'm learning to be more discerning about how I give so I don't end up feeling resentful.

Wow, do I see SO much of myself in this. I’ve had some real doozies of “friendships” in my past and recently a business relationship with a big multimillion dollar company that basically just imploded a couple months ago because they didn’t want to pay their vendors anymore. I left the situation only mildly unscathed, but I know a lot of indie artists who were screwed out of tens of thousands extended credit to this business. And the owner was a big influencer type who is receiving all this pity from customers of hers who don’t know how she treated her vendors and employees. But thankfully I was picking up on the signs of being taken advantage of a year or two before and really started putting my foot down with boundaries. I’m so glad I listened to my gut when it was screaming at me to notice the signs. I told other fellow indie artist vendors that I was personally acquainted with to watch their backs with this business, and now we all know what to look out for should this ever happen again. Hopefully not, but it’s a good lesson to keep on file.

I’m an extreme giver. I’ve always found great joy in helping. And when I had larger income, that included jumping in and covering a $ bill, a repair, whatever. Ide grown up seeing my beautiful Mother do same. Now I’m 71, still giving / helping/ assisting, but with wisdom. And boundaries. It’s taken its toll. I’m just these past few years, learning the way ,, but I feel crushed and taken advantage of often,,, it’s a daily battle.

💯💯💯! I relate to this. Being a narcissist family scapegoat has conditioned me to be this way but now that I’m self aware, it’s up to me to change

It is really Sad that this does happen at times to vulnerable ones, it often starts when a person is young, but it can go on well into adulthood. Now it important for us to reckonise with in ourselves, that we can only do what we can, only give as much of ourselves up to a point. Then we have to stop, ask ourselves, just how am I going to help myself and who's going to be there for me, when I find myself in times of need? Because after I have been fully spent, no energy left for my own needs, then I have become exhausted, left alone and empty. It's time to Stop trying to help bale everyone out of their life issues, and to start caring for our own life situations, and our own family life too.

I’ve worked on healing my CPTSD for almost 3 years now. I don’t emote like I used to. What I’m now trying to do is be happy and peaceful 24/7 with absolutely no struggles. I hate feeling sad, angry, or any of those emotions. Even the natural emotions. I feel like I have to be perfectly happy and peaceful 24/7 to prove that I’m working on my healing or to prove that I’ve healed, and that I have to shut all the other emotions out and hope they don’t exist. I want to be a new age musician, but in order to do this, I’m not allowed to feel vulnerable, I’m not allowed to be sad, I’m not allowed to grieve, I’m not allowed to be angry. I need to be happy 24/7 to prove that I’m healed. I have to shut my emotions off to prove that I’m happy and at peace.

As another people pleaser I have been taken advantage of loaning friends money. It's something I no longer do.

I am a people-pleaser and I have NO self-esteem. I got used all the time that it just seemed like that was the way friends worked, you get used and soon as you are no longer useful they WILL abandon you because the reality is that no one cares about anyone but themselves. So anyway when I was graduating high school in the autograph section of the yearbook everyone added the same comment above their signature "Stick up for yourself". So yeah this video hits big time.

If setting expectations makes me feel "ugh" because I don't want a fight, I should listen to my 'ugh." Anybody who starts a fight instead of being glad and grateful I clarified my expectations up front is a walking red flag. "

One thing I’m learning, and need to learn more, is I’m very nice. I try to put myself in other peoples shoes, I’m honest, I’m loving, I do not like to hurt people. I think I assumed everyone was like me, and they are not. So I’m looking up communication skills, on how to not get walked on, how to stand up for myself etc. Because ppl will take advantage of me. They know I’m nice and will purposely put me down, or ask for money or whatever. About 50% of the people in this world are pretty nice, and 50% are jerks. I’m tired of being pushed around. I have SMI and that comes w low self worth etc. I’m not the carpeting under the worlds feet. Confidence and assertive behavior is what I need to learn. Wish me luck. SMI ppl are treated less than, and actually I’m a fabulous person. It begins with loving oneself

I've learned through hard and bitter experience, that it just doesn't pay to be nice or kind to people or do them special favors, or go out of your way to help them, unless you're dealing with the very best kinds of people who have college degrees, go to church, listen to classical music and read good books. It takes intelligence to care about people, and that's why most people don't care, they haven't got the brains to know how to care, or appreciate a loving friend

Thank you Kati God has created heaven for good people and has created hell fire for evil people so treat people the way they deserve.

My vulnerability issue was when I first came out of the hospital I wanted everyone to know what was wrong. To be honest it was nice to get it out there but than more and more people clung to me ask more and more in-depth. Which rekindle my symptoms. My than therapist told me it is like having the flu, you can say you feel I’ll but you don’t have to tell everyone what color the vomit was.

Trust, but verify. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Be kind because you want to, but if it's all one-sided, then distance yourself 14:30 I identify with this so much

I like this video. I’ve mentioned this to my wife about how she’s a people pleaser and I’m concerned that her co-workers take advantage of her kindness. Kati you’ve been extremely helpful over the years and helped me get control of my anxiety and depression. Thank you and you’re AWESOME!!!!

Great video, Kati! Going slow in relationships has been the best solution for my issues with being taken advantage of. And if someone keeps pushing and is unwilling to go at my pace and respect my boundaries, I know that we're not really compatible as friends or whatever the relationship dynamic is (and I get really uncomfortable anyway). Going slow also gives me time to experiment with saying "no" and seeing how the person reacts...that speaks volumes.

Oh my gosh!!! This is so me!!! Thank you

This really hits home. You’re very helpful and have a lot of insight.

Wow this totally resonates (and needed this today, in fact)! Thank you 😊

I don't like my family. I love them but I don't like them. I feel like it's my fault too, because I kept giving them what they want with no regards for myself just because they asked. Yet when I need support, emotional support, I am being ungrateful and a burden. But, it's ok when they do the reverse, because their feelings matters ✨ I recently learned to put boundaries and not just agree with things just because. It's hard, but it feels way better and I feel less depressed and unheard so that's a plus 👍

omg thank you thank you thank you! Needed this!

So much compassion and care for your community Kati! Great video ❤

Don't force me to do things I don't want to ,because I will !

Thank you very much.🙏🏻 I needed to listen to this today.

i’ve had to learn this lesson so many times & still find myself needing reminders so this is helpful :)

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you sharing these lessons, you’re phenomenal.

YESSSS!!!!!!! Nailed it. Needed it.

Love the content! I struggled with being "too nice" in the past and it led to me being taken advantage of

Thank you Catie!

You're a gem Katie. Thanks so much for your vulnerability. Your willingness to be vocal about your healing journey puts words to our experience. This is immensely empowering.

Thank you for taking the time to discuss this topic ♡ Wishing you and your chamnel all the best :)

Such a answer to prayer 🙏

It feels good to say no.

Thank you so much for the amazing video! Incredibly helpful for me.

This is a fantastic topic. I have always been someone that is very protective of my energy. It was most likely born out of life/childhood trauma, many coin this as "empathic". My energy can feel really fragile. Every once in awhile I need like a people detox day. And while I know everyone has a different set of boundaries, I keep the energy that I have locked down and protected, and I give to very selected people that prove to not drain me, but my goodness, I feel that so many people are draining. I know that it is okay for me to say no, but I also feel like part of this is a "me" problem. Does anyone have any feedback at all on how to boost resilience? I think boundaries are so important, but I've protected mine for so long to such a severe degree that I've become very isolated.

@lynettejwhite

Жыл бұрын

I know, so well do I know this problem. I burnt out 7 years ago, since then I very quickly runout of energy, get anxious or overwhelmed or catch colds/flus being around people. I can cope for longer when I have been really good at self care: sleep, nutrition, exercise, journalling/meditation, sunshine, fresh air, etc. I have recently discovered loop earplugs, and reducing the background noise in social situations really helps me! I also bias towards accepting invitations to small close friend catch-ups rather than large crowds. I make it very clear that it's pay your own bill, so there is no I'll pay this time, you pay next time favours to keep track of. Doing things outdoors if the weather permits I also find to be easier than indoor shopping malls. I loved regularly catching up with friends via video call during the pandemic, I felt closer to their lives, but now everyone is too busy to do so anymore! I know that I can do more if I do it little by little (until something happens and I crash again and have to start over!). I plan for rest and recovery afterwards at home, and try to pace myself, but guessing how much is too much can be tricky. Experience and practice helps. I too feel the loneliness and isolation. But sometimes I choose that over being taken advantage of yet again (recently my French Conversation class tutor kept pressuring me to help plan lessons to the point of it being distressing and I had to leave; last year I briefly (thankfully) dated one of Australia's worst relationship fraudsters. I'd love to know how not to attract these types of people!). I hope that this isn't TMI and that you or others get some new ideas from it.

Such an insightful video!! Your examples are so spot on. Thank you for sharing 🤍

Dear Kati. I've recently found your videos online. Your kindness, your knowledge, your honesty, you swear. You give me hope. Thank You. You are Amazing!

I realized that I can't get mad when people overstep boundaries if I didn't put them up or honor them to begin with.

Tips and tricks ❤: connect to your energy and make sure your energy is felt before you speak and before you put yourself into a giver situation. And don't be afraid to go against yourself to protect yourself

@EmbraceTheStruggle24

Жыл бұрын

Yesssss definitely.

Thank you Kati! 🥰

Thank you, Kati! I’m so happy you shared this story. That’s why I love following you! We are very similar. We learn from our mistakes. What I noticed is that I feel something in my gut whenever I’m dealing with such people. My intuition points where the problem is.

This is exactly what I've been searching for. I'm saving the link so I can listen again and again. Thank you.

learning to say no is a great gift

You just got to guard that Precious Heart of yours Katie, you are a diamond and that man of yours is one lucky fellow. Keep up the good work!

Well, this video perfectly illustrates that people are people everywhere, just in every part of the world. I've watched this and saw a local community and have felt the same pain in my heart. We're all in the same boat and solve simmilar problems. Thank you a lot for sharing this! 👍

Thank you so much Katie This video was really helpful 👍❗

When I met people who are people pleasers or too nice...I always make things as equal as possible.....I do not take advantage. I myself have been too nice most of my life..people think you are weak or not smart..What gets to me is that , as I mentioned, just because a person is too nice only a bad person ( in my opinon) takes advantage. I appreciate a good person and reciprocate . If not at the momment then next time....I guess I am saying that some people are predators.and some are givers.

😢 I try so hard to practice this. Thank you for this wonderful wisdom!

Kati you look so pretty with your hair up- also I prayed to God for you and Shawn because you guys are such lively people . Very productive and personal people. I admire yall.

This is something I still need to work on. My circle of friends is now so small that I can spend an entire week not seeing a single soul. Still grieving the end of a long friendship that ended very abruptly without any reason or explanation from the other side after we went on a vacation together and haven't heard from that person again. I kept giving that person so much slack because he was hurting a lot and I wanted to be there for him more than he was for me

Thanks for telling me I am worthy of love and support ❤ Thanks for sharing that I don't have to make myself available when I am not. I get myself so worn out trying to be there for others but people are not there for me. I don't need to act like this anymore.

Thank you very much for your help and tips ❤️