I've been with every attachment style and DAs are the only ones who truly recognize and attach to us for the relationship we have to ourselves. Everyone else seems just a little too self centered (myself included), but DAs demand nothing and love me simply for who I am.

@ZephyrBallard

Жыл бұрын

As a DA, I'd say it's one of those "treat others the way I'd want to be treated" types of situations. Two people loving each other for each other is the (simplified) ideal in my mind

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

@ZephyrBallard I didn't know what unconditional love was until I was with my DA. I've never felt as loved, strong and rooted as I do now because his love is very affirming of who I am, not what I do.

@warmhart2034

Жыл бұрын

​​@@Mississippian Yes, I feel the love (we are 16 months dating). However, his fear of intimacy and vulnerability is SUPER-high!! That's why he only sees me in person 1-2 a month (doesn't live far). And tries to compensate with consistent daily comms (used to be very sparse).

@ZephyrBallard

Жыл бұрын

@@Mississippian he sounds like someone who worked on himself. I'm really glad you have that 🙂 it gives me hope

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

@ZephyrBallard I've never brought up attachment styles in conversation, so it wasn't conscious work on his part. More like he got used to the intimacy and he's unrecognizable now compared to when I first met him. I take full credit for him transformation though lol. We all deserve good safe partners.

The need for certainty, stability and safety is kind of surprising, as their avoidance, running, and dismissal (after they’ve finally opened up emotionally), really eliminates any possibility for the other person in the relationship to feel any level of certainty, stability or safety.

@0Demiyah0

Жыл бұрын

It's because the subconsciousness always rules the consciousness. If your subconsciousness is hyper-focused on your fears, you will manifest them. Just like AP's want consistent love, but their core wounds of abandonment, rejection, disconnection, etc. drive their behavior to create those outcomes for them. It's a tragic cycle if you're not aware of it.

@Brandon-yr3nj

Жыл бұрын

Okay, well that’s because my sense of certainty, stability, and safety has little to nothing to do with anyone else, and if anything is only threatened by them, hence the rigid boundaries and self sufficiency. Your partner is having a vastly different internal emotional experience from you. It is a different person.

@ChauniB

Жыл бұрын

It’s a contradiction that the avoidant’s partner is asking for the same in return

@0Demiyah0

Жыл бұрын

@@sunbeam9222 I think those three all tie in with each other. In certainty there is an element of predictability, and in predictability an element of stability, ans in stability an element of safety. Like, if I tell my DA I am going out running at 6pm, he expects I will do so. He anticipates it and when his anticipation turns out not to have been certain it can be rattling? Not following up doing exactly what I said I will do seems to make him confused and nervous to a degree.

@liltsummerlin423

Жыл бұрын

YES I agree 💯!

. I feel like there’s a lot of videos focusing on what others can do for DAs, I think it would be nice if there was the opposite/ what a DA can do to help themselves

@ZephyrBallard

Жыл бұрын

As a DA, I'd love that, specifically because it appeals to my need to do things on my own

@christinatichenor9721

Жыл бұрын

As someone who is with a DA I can learn about him all I want but at the end of the day it’s hard to work with a DA who does not know they are a DA

@riyajacob2909

Жыл бұрын

💯 👍 Agree

@howtosober

Жыл бұрын

And what they can do for the non-DAs in their lives. The lack of reciprocation is a big pain point for anyone that's ever invested time and energy into a DA. Or, let's all focus on security and then we don't have to worry about it. ;)

@jesusthewaytruthandlight7558

8 ай бұрын

I’m an anxious attachment so the DA is sooooo hard for me 😢

To the DAs doing the real work to heal: you're doing the lord's work (so to speak). Keep chugging and we'll all meet on the other side as secure people!

And, sometimes, you can follow all of these suggestions to a T, do everything "right," and still feel it was all in vain because it's like trying to revive a dead body when rigor mortis has already set in. I suspect if one finds themselves fascinated with a DA, it could be because they're seeing what looks like a serene oasis after a lifetime of chaos or perpetual fear of abandonment and getting the DA to blossom like a flower is ego-stroking and validating. However, for those bending themselves into a pretzel to make this happen, you could think, "Well, I'm not enough," or "I just need to try harder," and plunge further into despair or a sense of desperation. It's not that you're not enough or too much. It's that some of us are willing to repeatedly sacrifice and be the main pursuer in a relationship, even as a woman. Others of us simply don't like that feeling or feel emboldened by that role. It implies the DA is always the catch if you can just water them right and become a DA whisperer. But, it's more about what do you really want to experience and feel and how much effort do you have to put into a person who's not putting it into you to get it? Choose you. It's OK to allow the DA to stay right where they are and continue to believe they're no good at relationships while they don't even do the bare minimum to sustain one (chatting a couple of times a week, celebrating your birthday or career success, the DA actually making the phone call or simply responding to a sporadic text). We all have the option of facing and reprogramming our childhood conditioning. Some don't make that choice and it's ok to accept that, grieve it and choose to love the ones who love you. Those who are willing to do the same work you have, those who don't see it as too much or a burden because you're just the right amount for the right person.

@theexotic2983

Жыл бұрын

They are mirrors that come to show us what we need to heal within ourselves...If they're willing to show up and grow with you well and good if not well and good. Ultimately, choose those who choose you. May your relationships offer growth, grace and great love❤❤❤

@jonschooley8951

Жыл бұрын

@Steffie Kensley Rich and vibrant commentary! You’re either a writer or you should be, well done, I enjoyed reading your comment.

@RA-tx6ue

Жыл бұрын

This comment made me teary because you’ve described exactly what I’ve experienced. Letting go is painfully hard because the “what could be” is too incredible to say goodbye to.

@kadeijadalrymple137

Жыл бұрын

Well said

@robertadcox8419

Жыл бұрын

Steffie, not only well said but backed up with a lot of science. I saw it firsthand. She walked away from a great relationship after two years. Even from a distance before I knew her up close, she had a new "best friend" every 6 months. I didn't think much of it until we started a relationship, 4 years of being a casual friend followed by two years of being in a relationship with her. Then one day without any sort of warning, I was a stranger to her. No clue except for the articles and videos I have read about DA in which I determined that she could not deal with us getting close. I have never been in a good relationship that ended this way. Never.

It’s so funny to me that DA’s have needs that mirror what they’re not able to give lol.

Just got out of a relationship with a DA. Arguably one of the worst experiences in my life. The constant roller coaster of emotions was exhausting and extremely toxic. Trying to hold on to the good moments we had only made things worse. She held on to every little thing that didn’t make her happy and was unable to communicate her issues.

Im a DA and Im here to understand myself. It kind of sucks that all the videos teach people how to survive us and heal but no videos are actualy for us

@formalhault5820

2 ай бұрын

She has plenty of videos on them.

@rebekahhawkins1318

24 күн бұрын

basically; whatever you are going to do: STOP AND THINK… what is the opposite! And do that… quit telling yourself everyone around you is the problem! Your avoidance to people make them fail you bc YOU don’t allow them to do anything right!

@marektuma2774

22 күн бұрын

@@rebekahhawkins1318 cool way to get re-traumatised 👍🏻

It's funny they want all these things but give you nothing and won't try to.I get so tired of hearing what we should do for them they need to work on themselves until then they need to leave safe people alone stay out of relationships because hurt people hurt others but that's OK because one day they will hurt the wrong person and it will be a wrap. I've had it with these people leave good people alone and this is not up for debate.its just that I've been hurt by these people and I'm trying to heal.

you are never able to give them anything! The time you give them anything they run. You try to be stable: RUN! You give patients and kindness: RUN! They are never there long enough to give them any of this!!!!

How painful it is when you understood all of tbis & did all of these things for your DA and they still run 🥺

@mk9199

4 ай бұрын

Maybe they just weren't that into you anymore. This happens in all relationships of all attachments, we just have to learn to accept it and let go, hard as that can be.

Everything you said I gave to my Ex DA...To the point I felt like an Enabler. We Never argued, had the same beliefs and values in life, and had fun together. He walked away from someone who loved him enough to sacrifice for him after almost 2 years. But he didn't want me gone completely.. He wanted me to stay friends with him and to me that means being placed on the back burner For when he realizes that what he wants out of a woman doesn't exist. Perfection does not exist in a human. I'm to the point now I only want him to come back into my life so that I can twist it around and make him feel as unlovable as he's made me feel.

@jthitchens2672

Жыл бұрын

​@craigculford4963 she's a trumper so being petty and vindictive is right up her alley

@silktouchninja

Жыл бұрын

Nice, hope you succeed and later come back and tell us how good you feel now.

@liltsummerlin423

Жыл бұрын

@@sunbeam9222 I didn't say it was...I sacrificed my own mental health to try and help him through his

@kadeijadalrymple137

Жыл бұрын

Friends nothing. I experienced that too. They wanna have their cake & eat it too.

@liltsummerlin423

Жыл бұрын

@@kadeijadalrymple137 yes they do but I don't play second to anyone so I stopped responding to his calls and texts after a few months.. I did send him a text after he called that last time and told him that I did not want to talk anymore that we both needed to just move on with our lives.

Would love to see more effort put into how we can get DAs to help themselves get past the behavior that prevents healthy relationships from taking place. I've read so many comments (and have first-hand experience) in giving everything you have to a DA, who avoids emotional connection, any constructive criticism and any opportunity for professionals to help them in ways no one else can, only to have them flip that invisible switch, shut down, disconnect, run and irrationally avoid any attempt at normal resolution. The most common comment I see from others (and concur with myself) is "trying to date a DA was the worst experience of my life." The DAs need to do their own work, instead of others twisting like a pretzel and walking on eggshells to try and work around their dysfunction.

@mgn1621

3 ай бұрын

Her video unfortunately reinforces codependent behaviour in the anxiously attached when its the DA that needs to re-parent and heal themselves

Please make a video how a DA can become better at expressing and communicating. Thank you for your helpful videos ❤

DAs actually shut down a bit out of jealousy too, I have discovered. I try to not mention hot looking male musicians when we exchange music, then he will immediately respond with lightly dressed female artists without mentioning what he likes about the song/sounds/instruments. This makes geeky talks about music technology (his main main thing with me) pretty difficult. If we talk about bass players eg and I find a great rhythm song I must check what he looks like before mentioning those rhythms/bass line. Safety for them equals not feeling jealousy too, a bit like for all attachment styles.

@riyajacob2909

Жыл бұрын

Oh great input

@anothercat9600

Жыл бұрын

@@riyajacob2909 And it's a bit difficult to ask about or address directly. There is hard shame around jealousy in our world, so it is rarely ever admitted in the moment. Admitting jealousy is even more difficult than admitting at work/to the boss, that you have told a lie.

@mk9199

4 ай бұрын

a DA will withdraw/avoid if your partner was AP they'd get angry clingy and paranoid, fa could go either way or even both - different response to same emotional situation

@nannoreul

Ай бұрын

That’s sounds a bit more like passive aggressive AP protest behaviour to me.

They need too much and not give enough… it’s too much work

@kadeijadalrymple137

Жыл бұрын

Facts

@sheliasmith2884

Жыл бұрын

Amen

@MoonchildTrish

Жыл бұрын

It's so very emotionally draining

@lelachilds4306

Жыл бұрын

Hey now

@isaiahxmetal8064

11 ай бұрын

I agree 100%. It almost felt like another job. Shouldn't be "working" for a relationship. Should be "building together"

This is the first video I've done across that actually explains the needs of a DA very well. As a DA myself, I always saw needs as something one partner had to give to another, which I don't believe is truly possible. However, this makes me sense as it's less of one partner giving something to another and more about giving a partner space to be themselves.

Is there a specific way to give/show them support that they will actually receive? From what I've learned, DAs are very "everyone is responsible for themselves" and that makes it hard for giving and supportive people to actually do that. Or does it just depend on the individual?

I'm a healing dismissive avoidant, and unfortunately I have to reach outside of my inner circle (family & friends) in order to get any empathy from anyone. That's something I know I would need in a relationship if/when I were to have one again.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

❤

@dannywholuv

11 ай бұрын

Did you ever give any empathy in your relationships? Just a question. My DA ex had none.

@amandamorrison5777

10 ай бұрын

@@dannywholuv there's an obvious answer to that question... however you completely glossed over the word "healing" in my original comment.

@user-tz1hl3pf2w

5 ай бұрын

Am I correct in my assumption that DAs might have lots and lots of friends (more than I do) but not necessarily CLOSE friends?

@dummy0000000

5 ай бұрын

@@user-tz1hl3pf2w100%

Timely video! My DA and I have reconnected again, I've been learning more about my AP self and her as a DA to better understand ourselves so I can provide more harmony in the relationship. I believe with this video, Thais spells out ways to get needs met on both sides. Learning about the DA's needs while guiding them to meet your needs as well! Thank you Thais!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

I wonder in general about attachment theory where the totally conventional people fit? Those who operate completely from conditioning and seem to view relationships as something they take for granted and also as a rather practical matter. They seem kind of superficial and often rather quickly enter a new relationship after for instance becoming a widow/widower. They seem to view relationships as some kind of "normality", at the same way as having a job, kids, a house etc. It is something you "have" basically.

Thais is a pro when it comes to describing the DA needs always!!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

❤

Very timely!! I needed this as ive been practicing how to bring up something to my da hubby.. thank you Thais!!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome Rebecca :) Good luck ❤

Thank you so much.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

❤

Therapy.. they need therapy

@ladloca5252

Жыл бұрын

Yes they absolutely need therapy to get in touch with themselves.

@kaachsports

Жыл бұрын

They do. Currently talking to a DA who has been in one, and something I noticed is that sometimes they even avoid sessions because they suspect they'll be called out on their dismissive behaviours that are hurting their partners. They know d eep down they need to change. This is where character comes in. Some DAs will change for the good of their relationship. Some will flat out refuse to, even if it leads to the breakdown of a relationship with someone they love.

Is it healthy to have the need for autonomy? I'm still struggling to understand how this could possibly be a healthy thing. As an FA, I don't see autonomy as something desirable or even healthy in a relationship. I just see it as not caring enough, not prioritizating the relationship (or relationships in general) enough, or just being a selfish person who puts themselves first. That's the main reason l strongly prefer AP partners over DA partners, all else equal. It's so great to feel valued, wanted, and prioritized. And i just don't see how you can feel valued in a relationship if your partner has a need for autonomy that's greater than their need for togetherness. Is it even possible to have a healthy and balanced relationship with someone like this? I just don't see how prioritizing your own needs and wants with little regard for true connection is different from narcissism? Isn't this just basically a transactional relationship then?

@mesCheerios

Жыл бұрын

It's funny cos I score equal on everything in the quiz so I think I am FA and I have a strong need for autonomy. Yes i think it is possible, and it doesn't mean that people don't want togetherness too. But if you need more time with someone than they are capable of providing you then the relationship probably is not compatible. Would be better as friends or moving on. To explain further - i need a lot of time to regulate my emotions and i will have trouble being a good communicator if i don't have that, so the relationship would probably be doomed anyway if i dont get my time alone. It's not like i only love being alone, i just live in constant anxiety that people trigger further.

@LeeChrissy

Жыл бұрын

I'm a FA too and I swing drastically from anxious to avoidant. I rarely show my anxious side though...too vulnerable. You'll mainly outwardly see my secure or avoidant side. Honestly for me, autonomy is #1. If I don't get that then it won't work. I can be deeply in love and want to spend the rest of my life with someone, but I'm also busy and if I'm tired or just want to be alone, as an adult I don't feel like I should have to explain that to someone or feel guilty for asking for it. This is why I prefer DA's over any attachment style. I also don't try to date for this reason alone. Anyone who approaches me knows this as I'm very upfront. It has nothing to do with not caring. A little selfish, maybe but we need to fulfill our own needs too. It's not always about the other person. Thisbis why I don't mesh well with AP's. As soon as we're done with the date they're immediately trying to make more plans and that's invasive to me. It feels codependent. That's why I tend to give someone 3 dates and then I make it or break it. If you're trying to see me more than once a week then it's too much. Maybe twice a week if you're in a relationship. My grandmother divorced my grandfather in the 70's, raises 7 kids alone and then found a guy that owned his own house in a different town. She had her own house too. They were exclusive but saw each other 2 or 3 times a week and spent holidays together. She traveled alone and lived a separate life. There was nothing unhealthy about it. Everyone has the power to create relationships that work for them.

@spikygreen

Жыл бұрын

@@mesCheerios I can relate to the need for alone time in order to self-regulate - although I think this is largely because my partner is a DA, otherwise I'd much prefer to co-regulate most of the time, rather than self-regulate. But in any case, this is a need, not a want. I think needing time alone for recharging, having to take some time to focus on work, etc., is fine. But when someone doesn't crave time or togetherness (e.g., joint projects, joint decision making) with their partner, then how can they possibly say they love or even like their partner? And what's the point of having a partner then? This always reminds me of the kind of parents who have kids and then constantly complain how their life isn't the same now, they can't put themselves first anymore, they can't wait to drop their kids off with a babysitter, etc. Why on earth did they even have kids in the first place lol. Some people are just that way with their partner. They get a partner and then they go out of their way to have as little togetherness as possible. I just genuinely don't understand, why have a partner at all, then?

@spikygreen

Жыл бұрын

@@LeeChrissy thanks for sharing your perspective. It's interesting, for me if a guy doesn't immediately try to set up plans for the next date, I assume he is either a low-effort kind of guy, or just not that interested. I mean, I want a guy who actually wants a relationship and enjoys relationship stuff aka seeing each other, lol. I don't mean to judge at all, I do believe everyone should be free to have a relationship style that works for them. To me personally, it's just hard to see why anyone wouldn't want to have as much togetherness as possible. To me, it just seems like a positive thing that you can't have too much of. Similar to how you can't have too much money - as long as the pursuit of money or even your relationship doesn't become extreme to the detriment of the other areas of life. And I also genuinely wonder, why even have a partner, if not for the purpose of having as much togetherness as possible? Do you find other reasons why you want a relationship in the first place (if at all)?

@LeeChrissy

Жыл бұрын

@@spikygreen well personally I don't look for relationships. I was single and happy for 10 years before my ex DA best friend came in out of nowhere to tell me he was in love with me. I had a thing for him for over 20 years so he was the exception and since he was so blunt and honest about it, I found it refreshing and decided to flow with it. A couple of months in I noticed his avoidant side and that's when my anxious side came out and I do NOT like anyone bringing out that side of me. I wanted a relationship and he didn't want a label. So we continued an on and off again thing for a couple of years. Everything else was perfect. We were exclusive and in love, met each other's family and everything. So believe me when I say I understand your frustration on the subject. As for time spent together, we both liked seeing each other once a week. Every now and then I would randomly ask to have breakfast together or he would invite me for dinner midweek. He would try to see me a little more sometimes, but without the label and commitment, I wasn't about to find time to invest with someone halfway in. As for the wanting more togetherness, I am a single mom and I also run my business 7 days a week. I have a social circle too. I'm literally too busy and tired to spread myself too thin and meet everyone's needs. Also, I think it's important to have separate lives. I don't want a shared profile pic or feel the need for either of us to invite each other out with each other's friends. Another thing is I like to have a good long conversation with my guy and if we kept in touch all day everyday then there's nothing of substance to talk about. I just think that everyone should try dating people who they are compatible with. If someone is anxious trying to date an avoidant then that is a rollercoaster ride that most can't deal with. Personally I have to weigh the pros and cons and although avoidants can be triggering, anxious types downright turn me off. The attention is nice for a minute, but it's too smothering.

How about understanding the Anxious?

@mk9199

4 ай бұрын

Plenty of videos on that. this one is specific to DA, look up one specific for AP if your interested.

this hyper focus is unhealthy... life is too short - move on to finding a relationship of adults supporting and growing together - life is hard enough without handicapping yourself at the knees with trying to do life with essentially a five year old

@dannywholuv

11 ай бұрын

Here here. Life is complicated enough without this BS

@chiaraA.

5 ай бұрын

@@DjDeja Severe DAs emotions are fully suppressed - their emotional intelligence is not there - for example the ability to verbalize and articulate feelings is nil - and that is similar to what you get in a young child so... there is nothing wrong with being a child if you are in fact one. And I would say dogs and young children are about the same in their emotional intelligence. But a grown adult seeking a partner, seeking emotional connection, has to understand that the DA they are seeking it with, will give them a partnership like a young/child or dog. There IS no adulting - the emotional connection simply CAN NOT BE - due to their trauma, in severe DA cases. And furthermore, the DA will protest that they are just fine. Which is true.... and it is also true they do not know what is missing about themselves.... they actually don't know. Which is also why they are dismissive about needing help. So I say, leave them alone. They're fine. So anyone seeking a genuine partner with that connective tissue that humans crave need to hear this and leave DAs alone. I also will say that severe needy APs are also problematic. I wouldn't want to date one. I also know DAs can ruin the peace of mind of a secure person as well. They are not all APs that the DA encounters. But the DA thinks they're just fine. Which is fine by me, because they have textbook patterns of behavior and now I know how to just avoid them.

Hi Thais, I'm curious to know if some people that suffer with depression are actually just caught up in the turbulence of their attachment style? Have you ever found this in your practice? That's my theory right now. I'm interested in someone that I think may be more dismissive. We have never spoken about Attachment Styles, but he has reevealed he deals a lot with depression. It seems he has a lot of negative self-talk, and I have to wonder if he became more self-aware of his attachment style, would he heal his depression.....

My DA wanted a long term relationship but dumped me because he didn't see us succeeding. He said he's not very emotional, not very passionate, not very vocal. And very locked in the emotional part. So who's going to love him but me? (but in silence, I must love him in silence, from a distance 😢).

@anaespino1345

10 ай бұрын

Sounds like he doesn’t feel he can meet your needs. A lot of them think that way of themselves. Mine told me many times I deserve better 😢

@Ckyt572

9 ай бұрын

@@anaespino1345 I feel that way too :( they know they can't meet their partner's needs, they don't even try, mine didn't try. He said he had feelings for me but he disappeared after our breakup (it's been 3 months). Our relationship went downhill after 3 weeks when I talked with him about his cold behavior. He asked me: "is my personality what you're looking for?" But he knew I was crazy about him anyway, he was conscious about his behavior. I feel we deserve a better chance.

@anaespino1345

9 ай бұрын

@@Ckyt572 it’s hard. It really is because we love them and want to understand them but we can’t. I can’t understand how someone can want love but so afraid that they sabotage the relationship.

@Ckyt572

9 ай бұрын

@@anaespino1345 aagghh the hardest part is that I really don't know if he had feelings for me 😔 one day I thought he had, the next day he pulled away completely he didn't even look at me, he didn't want affection or kisses or sex. I felt like a nuisance. Some of them have strange behaviors, I remember he left me walking behind many times... That hurts when you want to go for a walk hand in hand. When he broke the relationship I saw his bright eyes, like he was about to cry, his hands shaking, I really don't understand. I love him so much and I never could say it because he didn't want to hear anything about romance, affection or love. I just wanted small things like a hug, a random kiss.., but he always looked uncomfortable. They really sabotage relationships, deep down they really crave love and intimacy, and maybe he left me because he knew I was the woman that could give him the long term relationship he wanted. It hurts to remember when we said goodbye because he wanted to hug me (for the first time) and I refused, I was in pain, I asked for that so many times. I thought I would see him again.... Sorry for the long text :(

@lunaspearitz1948

7 ай бұрын

​@anaespino1345 it's a self worth issue. It defies understanding because you have not learned through your circumstances that you're worth- less. It takes consistent effort for someone who thinks they're worth-less to try to change that and most people don't even know it's possible to change. They believe, often subconsciously, that they're garbage (at something specific or in general) and that's just how it is. Better to avoid the pain of confronting it. A certain level of awareness would make them want to spare the people they love from it too. They want love because they're human, but life taught them it's a bad deal

Seems always that the videos paint a much rosier picture than commenters who have been in actual relationships with DAs. Anyone else agree?

@mk9199

4 ай бұрын

Commentators often signal that they are anxious, have a PD, can't self regulate, overly reliant on external validation, have dependency issues or are seeking codependency. These behaviours will set off every defence mechanism a DA has, which in turn causes those people to double down in their anxiety behaviours -not that most will admit it. There's also alot on these boards with a massive chip on their shoulder who are projecting and lashing out to deal with their hurt feelings because they don't have the skills to emotionally self-regulate and need the validation of other like minded ppl here to process. DA are actually quite easy to deal with once you've got a workaround for communication (thais has some pointers on that), DA are the least dlemanding have low anxiety and generally pretty stable if not being triggered.

@user-tz1hl3pf2w

4 ай бұрын

@@mk9199 please … share tips on workaround on communication. I’d love nothing more, for his sake and mine. Also, can one be both DA and FA? I believe my DA has some anxiety. Not over the top, but some.

My naturally really appreciated my ex dA and tried my best to show it. I can’t remember a single time he told me he appreciated me back tbh. Did anyone else experience that?

Love your videos! Can a person be both da and fa?

@Present4

Жыл бұрын

Yes. Most of us are composites of the various attachment styles, usually with a dominant style. I have seen people who have 2 dominant styles though and who alternate between them depending on the circumstance.

Yes exactly

True

If they say they can’t meet your needs for seeing each other more. Then what? Just be friends, remove them from your life. Would like a video on that.

@sassygal4727

Ай бұрын

I'd say move on and find someone who can meet all pf your needs or you will be in a cycle that never ends of wanting someone who will take your attention but never really meet your needs even as a friend. If you choose to keep them in your life...Just don't have high expectations. That would be my advice to you❤

Soooooooo helpful 😭😭😭😭🙏🏻

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

❤

Any advice for a DA who cheats as a coping mechanism but are working to correct and move forward with their partner that they cheated on? Currently trying to break through my DAs wall but I don’t know how to trust him even though I’m beginning to understand the pattern and where it’s coming from, what are reasonable action steps?

We all have these needs😂 Maybe the DAs need to think the rest of us also have needs😂

@DjDeja

5 ай бұрын

We know. The problem is we recognize that anxious types rely too much on others to meet their needs.

If only they would express what their needs are to you. They don’t even know most times.

What if we barely are in the dating stage? This advice is only for relationships:/

To all DAs and DAs partners, how long do you/they usually take to come back after pulling away? Or even deactivating? Would you reach out to them? Or leave them alone?

@thunderpokemon52

9 ай бұрын

My da partner, after dumping and blocking me unblocked and reached out to me after 1 week...got back after 1 months and then broke up abruptly after being together for 3 months...currently broken up for 3days now, with minimum contact...not sure where this will go...

@thunderpokemon52

9 ай бұрын

Just reach out whenever you want...but also leave them alone is what I'd do...but who knows whats best huh

@DjDeja

5 ай бұрын

depends on the situation but if someone isn't giving me the space I have communicated that I need, I won't come back. Sometimes I just need 1 day, sometimes 3.

I feel like someone who is anxious can push someone secure into acting dismissive and vicea versa. No one wants to feel swallowed in a relationship and everyone needs their own autonomy. I would push someone away who made me feel like that and i am a securely attached person who sways anxious, as i used to be very anxiously attached.

Question : if you try to apologize (way later) about something not really great you’ve done partly due to poor communication does it make them discard you ? I mean Does apologizing is something they’ll will use against you ?

@AR-hq2mf

11 ай бұрын

In my case yes, it caused them to spiral into negative emotions, stonewalling, from sweet to indifference, screaming and then blocking me.

@mk9199

4 ай бұрын

Not typically, but it will depend on the person. DA attachment is not intentionally manipulative but a person is more than their attachment and a manipulative petty vindictive person will weaponise vulnerability regardless of attachment. High probability that a DA has been on the receiving end of the behaviour you describe, it's one of the ways the learn that it's not safe to open up and be vulnerable or apologize.

Thank you for all the videos. May I recommend doing a video on how parents can and should deal with their DA’s. My 19 year old son simply faded away two months ago. He is on campus a thousand kilometers away and lives alone so why fade away. Is a phone call once a week or two weeks to much drama for him. Have I lost him for good? It certainly feels like it

Too much work. Love should be care-free and spontaneous. It’s best to stay away from dismissive avoidants until they work through their trauma.

what they need is to stay away from me...

I hope someone here can give me guidance. I've dating a man for 7 months and I concluded he has an Avodiant Personality pretty early based off the things hes told me. In the beginning he was great but he did warn me that he wasn't trying to rush into a relationship. He was with someone for 10 years and has a child with her. Never married and said it was a toxic relationship. He opened up about partying and drinking a lot and sobered up when his kid was born. BUT everything went great and I felt so loved by him. He even invited me to meet his family for Christmas but it was canceled due to a snow storm, but we spent the holidays together. He had his kid for a week after Christmas and I went home. During that week he suddenly stopped texting me back as much and stopped taking my calls. I figured he was busy. But when his kid went back to their moms - he wouldnt make plans to see me. He finally took my call and I lost it on him because I was so hurt. He pretty much said I deserve more than what he can give and reminded me he wasn't ready for a relationship even though his actions spoke very differently. He had even hung a stocking up for me during Christmas at his house... It came out of nowhere. He had already done so much! After that talk he asked for space....I respected it and didn't call or text for several days. Finally he made plans to see me. I thought we'd break up but instead we both went on with whatever it was we had...and recently it happened again. Everything is going great and now - he keeps says "what if we break up" and "what if we stop talking" and he told me it would be HIM and not me and that he thinks I'm perfect. I finally said to him that all he's done now is broke my trust and made me feel insecure about our relationship. He reminded me again - he wasn't rushing into one. Yet he's BEEN in one this entire time without the title. We spend almost every day together and I practically live at his house. That night I said "I don't want this to be the last night we hang out" and he said "well. It doesn't have to be but I guess that's up to you," yet he is the one saying he'd be the one to disappear...So its really up to HIM because he knles I love him. What is happening?! If he's adjusted to me being around for 7 months and makes attempts to see me - is it worth continuing the relationship if he firmly believes I won't be around in the future?

Can someone please help me? My DA boyfriend asked for a break for 11 days to reconsider our relationship but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and want to reach out to him so bad. There are 8 days left and I'm afraid to break down and reach out to him. I hope someone can give me some perspective. Will an 11 day break lead him to decide to end the relationship? Is it healthy to be taking breaks this long? Am i just enabling a toxic behavior?

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

I don't know how long your relationship has been, but you shouldn't reach out nor take him back. This is not the way to do a relationship, regardless of attachment style. I've been with my DA for two years now and no, this is not normal for a relationship that is working. Please heal so you don't create such dynamics for yourself.

@marianae7577

Жыл бұрын

@@Mississippian Thank you Dear. You are right. It helps to hear it from someone who is also dating a DA

@kelseycoca

Жыл бұрын

I'm an FA and my partner is a DA, sometimes he will communicate he's feeling overwhelmed or too much pressure so asking for a break is a way to tap the breaks instead of not communicating and eventually leaving or breaking up. I try not to take it personally, be strong! find some new hobbies and I hope it works out. I know it's hard! but remember they aren't used to too much interaction!

@poelogan

Жыл бұрын

mine asked for 3 months so yours is actually sounding pretty secure leaning lol. i’d be hopeful if you’ve had a good relationship and just focus on deciding if YOU want to be in the relationship.

@marianae7577

Жыл бұрын

​@@kelseycoca Thank you dear, your comment helped a lot. The break finally ends tomorrow, and it was SO hard on my emotions the first few days. Now I feel detached and I don't even feel like seeing him tomorrow. Lol

A DA ideally needs a DM, aka doormat

@riyajacob2909

Жыл бұрын

😂😂😂.Rhyming DA needing DM .

So basically, they need everything lmao

What a DA needs is to be broken up with so many times until they go see a shrink.

Thought he was a twin flame turns out he's just a DA and Im an FA. 🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅💔💔💔

Writing this January 31st, 2024. Very curious how my DA is going to manage the current much worsening political and collapsing economic realities of life in US. Pretty sure she is nearly oblivious except insofar as she might see something on TV or hear a better educated and higher IQ friend or paramour make a comment. Work and dancing at parties is about all she has. I told her a few practical monetary and real estate things in the last phone text over a month ago (zero response as usual). Not even a polite "ty". One goid thing about bistorical civil chaos us, women all of a sudden decide they are way more feminine and agreeable than they thought they were when they see shocking, dangerous things in the street daily. So the temp mini-Satori will come too late and I wont be there, but it still gives me pleasure. Ms. reserved know-it-all to realize in chaos she's not nearly as sharp or valued as she thought. Family tragedy. Just another day at the glorious obsessive work job for her-- until they tell her the business has collapsed after 32 years on the job. Sayonara!

They don't like ups and downs lol

Bottom line……DA’s need to re-parent themselves.

Wow very very good northern africa and east chinese country in the world cup champions by since 1998

I wanted to watch the video but couldn't find what certification you have that proves you're an expert in this topic...

@gibs6429

5 ай бұрын

Well, you missed the best advice out there

You people are calling it DA but it's called NOT INTERESTED. Find someone that likes and wants to be with you.

@SatieSatie

11 ай бұрын

Most of the times, yes. But few of them happen to be DAs. I know mine was one, no doubt. Hope he'll find his peace.

Good god, could she please mention the danged school just a fourth time before the video ends, PLEASE?!