When you love someone more than they deserve, they will hurt you more than you deserve!

@adriancampbell630

Жыл бұрын

Exactly! Good one ❤

@erinward2983

Жыл бұрын

@Uncle Iroh Right?! Should be a famous quote if it isn't already.

@user-ot9bf1pw4f

Жыл бұрын

Story of my life... 😔

@tidycoat

Жыл бұрын

Right on!!

@oceanicmartian

Жыл бұрын

🔊THIS RIGHT HERE! well said!✨

Love doesn't leave you traumatized, what was happening to us wasn't love. There shouldn't be consequences or side effects when you love someone.

@SirenASMR_

Жыл бұрын

Exactly 🎉

@kristinemajchrzak5222

Жыл бұрын

Yep❤

@trying2survive602

Жыл бұрын

You are on a roll!!! Well said!!

@sherriflemming3218

Жыл бұрын

Well said

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

Clearly it does. And that's what love is to people

The child is resented by the narcissist parent. It took years for me to realize that resentment is what I saw on my mother’s face when I was a kid. It has certainly helped to see the truth.

@melinaburkhardt421

Жыл бұрын

Resentment disguised as sorrow or concern for the child.

@marthaderendalackey4760

Жыл бұрын

Me too!

@melissafreidly7391

Жыл бұрын

Me too, it's so tricky to spot as "abuse"

@jennw6809

Жыл бұрын

Resentment, scorn and bitterness....

@lovejumanji5

Жыл бұрын

I caught a snapshot of my mother with that face when film had to be developed ……😂. I showed my sister and brother , they were like yeah , she was not happy , I showed her too…..😂. The look was disgust……..😢

In my home of origin it was like I had to be the parent because the parents were the children.

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

They were too busy with their inner children

@meatwax

3 ай бұрын

This is stated so clearly, and simply. Its crazy I never noticed

Love sets you free, it feels safe and protective, it feels encouraging and nourishing, it helps you grow and thrive. It has nothing to do with anything narcisistic and abusive, it is just the opposite - patient and understanding and marvelling at the happiness and fulfilment of the other. Thank you dr Ramani.

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

Nobody here knows what love is. Yall just know how to make a greeting card about it. But none of yalls know what love is. Bottom line.

Thank you Dr Ramani. I needed to hear this. I had an absolutely healthy and grounded childhood and grew up to be a happy and confident teen/ young adult. I ended up marrying a super covert, malignant narc only for the mask to fall after 15 years of marriage ! It left me riddled with guilt, confusion, fear, trauma for nearly a decade until the world of narcissim dawned upon me. The trauma bond is intense! Healing is miles ahead. Add kids to the mess and it's a mind f*cked whirlwind!

It's a strange unwavering kind of grief when we leave a Narcissist. The lost time we'll never get back. 🍒

My husband's mother was a narcissist. He attracted a woman just like her and was married to her for 12 years before he was able to get away. He looks back on his life as a child and in his previous marriage and can totally recognize the similarities.

I only started to understand this when I started watching your channel. I spent 30 yrs. and I don’t know how many different therapists trying to fix my life.If you’re poor, you don’t have the luxury of finding a trauma specialist. You take what they give you. It’s a waste of time and makes you feel hopeless.

Yup b/c they never want to take accountability. They continue to harm b/c you aren’t worthy in their eyes.

Some of my siblings are in total denial that my dad was abusive. I myself sometimes catch myself second guessing my opinions about this, then I have to remind myself that just because it wasn't daily abuse, and rarely physical abuse, it was still damaging mentally, and it isn't healthy or normal to be afraid of your father, and dread the moment when he gets home. Is this trauma bonding?

@erinward2983

Жыл бұрын

I understand. I have 2 siblings, identical twins, and they weren't subjected to the extreme psychological, emotional, spiritual abuse and manipulation as I. They don't understand and are unwilling to look int the truth and just call it like it is. They have narcissistic traits which doesn't help matters. I was singled out so they were able to maintain distance and always had each other. They operated as a unit, protecting themselves from the abuse. It was easier for my father to brainwash/indoctrinate/gaslight me. They were running around together while I was with him. I feel like a research subject for mind control. That’s exactly what was done. He raised me to be. Soldier for his cause. The sibling who first called his bluff and cut off communication happens to be the most like him. He insulted her mothering. Her biggest vulnerability. She ran into people he/we knew and they treated her poorly. He was lying about her. Before anyone might her anything negative about him from her, he had to taint her name, reducing her credibility I suppose. My sisters have gone nearly no-contact. They see a problem, clearly. They still believe his lies about me though. Its sad, unfair, totally disgraceful, and I would even say evil. But l think it’s so important that we remind ourselves how important it is not to gaslight ourselves over it!!!

@denisedevoto5703

Жыл бұрын

Your childhood sounds exactly like mine.

@sherriflemming3218

Жыл бұрын

Certain children are selected and scapegoated for abuse.

@makaylahollywood3677

Жыл бұрын

Same in my family of 9 siblings...nobody but me and my mother talked about father's alcohol, his emotional abuse, and emotional incest. They talked about his success as a businessman.

@kidrosskidrossproductions2906

Жыл бұрын

I read somewhere that 60 to 70 percent of twins for some reason are narcissistic… i would love to be fact checked on this cause if its true thats just insane …

THANK YOU for this!!!! Too many narcissistic videos focus specifically on "partner" or "spouse" and talk about romantic relationships with issues like what it was that attracted you to the narcissist or the narcissist to you, or why you didn't leave earlier, or "love bombing" or "leaving you for someone else", or "cheating on you", or trying to remember what it was like before you met the narcissist, or talking about the children involved between you and the narcissist. All valid points for those IN that scenario. But completely useless and meaningless to a child of a narcissistic parent. I didn't attract the narcissist nor did the narcissist attract me: I was born. Why I didn't leave earlier: I was a child, completely dependent on the adult. "Love bombing" wasn't really an issue: I was already in the relationship the day I was born. I had absolutely no say in the matter, or control over the relationship from the very beginning. Cheating on me, or leaving me for someone else wasn't really an issue. And I have no memory of what it was like before I was born. And my mother and I did not have kids, for hopefully obvious reasons. What was my role in the relationship? I was born. I had absolutely no say in the matter, and absolutely no say to whom I was born to. I know the argument is too often used that "This applies to ALL narcissistic relationships, regardless of what kind". But being raised by a single-parent covert narcissist has its own separate set of issues where the ones listed above are meaningless. And because the focus is so often on romantic relationships instead, this gets ignored or left out. But there are other issues about the long-term damage done to a child's psyche when they are young and still developing, when their main resource for everything first comes from their parents, when they are small and helpless and defenseless, and when they are completely dependent on their parents for EVERYTHING for their very survival, and when their parents are supposed to be the basic starting point for things like love, or trust, or self-confidence. When robbed of those from your very birth or young childhood, it isn't the same as someone who was already a fully grown adult, self-sufficient, and then later meeting a narcissist and having a romantic relationship. My ONLY experience in life when it comes to "relationships" is a toxic relationship with a toxic narcissist. I don't know of any other kind of relationship because the one with my toxic single-parent narcissistic mother was first and primary one I've had. The starting point. So, if I have a relationship that ISN'T narcissistic, it is strange and doesn't feel "right" because it is foreign to me, but at the same time a narcissistic relationship is more familiar but toxic. So, it's a lose/lose scenario that children of narcissistic parents face that can be SPECIFIC to parent-child narcissistic relationships.

@stephanie3848

Жыл бұрын

I remember when I finally fell into a healthy environment it felt strange and a little scary to me, because I was so used to the opposite. But like anything else I let myself be in the healthy environment and accepted it, and it became my new and higher standard of normal. Before that though, I was just unlucky and too unhealthy to get out.

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like slave mentality.

I can never get enough content on trauma bonding. It’s just something that I am beginning to grasp at, but I haven’t quite gotten it yet. But I know that I’m in it. I know that I am in it.

@lovejumanji5

Жыл бұрын

I went to the book store for books on trauma bonding, they were like 75$ .

@stephanieurick8820

Жыл бұрын

@@lovejumanji5 wow

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

OK since you know. Then get out. What are you waiting for? An invitation to arrive for you in the mail ?

@JustMe-uw6yd

Жыл бұрын

Back away with plans quietly & safely Therapy in Ur favour & good strong friendships * preferably a location unbeknownst to him ?? Wy Title says it all 🦄🦋🦄

@melisasoliman

Жыл бұрын

Just keep educating yourself. At some point hopefully you’ll see it for what it is and have the strength to leave.

7:55 This makes me believe I received the correct amount of damage in childhood. My first approach when something isn't working is giving 110%, being conscientious, value adding, and industrious. If that doesn't shift the dynamic after several weeks I go into slash & burn mode. I strongly believe most relationships are doable if you are producing value. However, I also recognize some people are broken, it's not my job to fix them, and I shouldn't waste the effort trying to make it work

Today my father dropped by for coffee. My parents had been away for the winter and now they're back. While they were away, I learned all those things about narcisism and see my mother for what she is. And indeed, my childhood wasn't all bad, I just can't deal with my mothers nasty comments anymore. Now i know she's not going to change, either i have to accept that and don't let it get to me, or I break away completely. For some time i had been trying to figure out how to make this work. I contacted a therapist but it took some time because the waiting times were pretty long. I start therapy for a form of PTSD at the end of may. Back to today. My father dropped an ultimatum on me. If i didn't make up my mind soon, i would lose them both. He also said that i had to think if "this was all worth it". I tried to explain how this was a complicated thing and that I knew my mother wouldn't change and would keep making the nasty comments. He said to not be so sure of that. I told him that after trying for 20+ years it was a safe bet. He also said that those nasty comments were "my side of the story". My mother's side was that she had always said what a sweet child I was. I recognised this for what it was and felt totally gaslighted. Basically they want it all to go back to how it was and i have to stop "being so difficult". I'm "sitting in my own bubble" . I feel both angry and sad right now. I guess i'm grieving the relationship. I can't and won't go back to this and as my father said i had to make up my mind "soon", I just feel... mostly sad right now.

@debbievan8736

Жыл бұрын

It’s very sad to realize your parents don’t love you as deeply as you love them. You need to grieve like you would any other loss. My heart goes out to you.

@brigitte9999

Жыл бұрын

It’s a no win, at some point you must accept your father is probably covert. Would a healthy father allow his child to be mistreated? I stand up against abuse especially for my child. I had the same situation it’s going to end with you in the situation that you dealt with in childhood. With no support. The relationship with your parents, will be as it always was. If you walk away it will take a long time to process but at least it there will be no more damage, with a chance to heal. If you maintain a relationship you will be simultaneously trying to protect yourself from the damage all the while there will be more damage. You will want to discuss the things that really hurt you they will want you to just get over it and move on. I’m sure they feel that they love you but they love themselves more. And that my friend is the root of the problem. Your father is weak and will never be able to stand up for what is true regarding your mother. Your mother is weak and will never admit the pain she has caused. These are weak self involved people. Stop sacrificing yourself to them.

@C.S.99

Жыл бұрын

Your dad might be a loyal flying monkey for your mom . The community here knows your pain and dilemma. So many here are hugging you right now and sending you loving support energy. Hang in there and let Dr Ramami continue to guide you through the dark, sad, hard shit . Big hug! ❤️

@stevengyorfi4375

Жыл бұрын

I have been in your shoes and my heart goes out to you. God bless you- you are mourning the relationship right now. I promise, it will get better. Someday you will thank yourself for being so strong. ♥

@sherriflemming3218

Жыл бұрын

It's not healthy for adults to need their parents

❤ I am grieving every time I wake up and breathe every time I take a breathe that shows I love people and I still care love isn’t about grieving everyday you wake up because their not having a good day or whatever excuses they come up with so Im so sick of narcissistic people make us grieve I’m tired of grieving❤

That's so weird because I never had the "it's my fault" feeling until I had a long distance situationship that I was groomed into having. Before then I had toxic friendships but I just let them sizzle out as I stopped trying. However, there was this era of my life where I was in a church that basically nurtured the "work out every relationship" kind of view point and made fair points that real relationships have healthy conflict so I started keeping toxic friendships around instead of giving up on them. It kind of left me primed for this toxic situationship because the man was a friend first and I thought he was just depressed and I felt others gave up on me because of my depression so I didn't want to give up on him because of what I perceived as depression which was just a covert narcissistic person being sorry for himself luring me in... what a mind fuck.

Today I cried my eyes out. I don't want him back. It's been some time since no contact. But the good stuff came back to me, the intense closeness. Ghosts can still cause so much pain...😢

Thank you for addressing this. I've never heard the adult discovery of this stuff addressed before. I had a (relatively) healthy childhood, but married someone who (in retrospect) ticks all the covert narcissist boxes. It took a long time (decades) to understand that my inclination to take responsibility, be supportive, and hope for the better things I knew from my childhood was really just sacrificing my boundaries and well-being. Unfortunately, I didn't process it until after the discard, and our kids suffered the consequences. I appreciate your video, because many people have suggested that my childhood must not have been what I recall, or I wouldn't have ended up in the marriage I did (and I was starting to sometimes doubt myself and my memory).

Dr. Ramani, in my personal experience, psychoeducation has been key to my ongoing healing from both types of trauma bonding. I found your channel through a therapist who used one of your videos to introduce me to the concept of narcissistic abuse. I did a deep dive into the resources you've created here, and understanding what was happening in my life and inside my own psyche has made a huge difference for me. Thank you.

My trauma bond started in adulthood. Thank u for your information. It helps a lot. I been feeling a lot of blame and shame for letting this happened, for not seeing the toxic signs…I had a secure family in childhood… and the question I ask myself a lot and also my close family and friends is how did u not noticed? How did u let it happened… im healing, my limits are “respected”…for now…but I want to stop being mad at me to move on.❤

@Andromeda14167

Жыл бұрын

It is normalised in our society that a man lies to an certain extend to impress the female. As long as our pop culture normalises abuse and the over sexualisation of woman you don't need to been brought up in an abusive environment.

My therapist recommended your channel to me and I’ve watched a few of your videos so far, but this is the one that hit home for me. Mine is generational trauma that starts, as far as I can tell, with my grandma and the perception she has of her parents. The second oldest of 9, she was forced to help her father with outdoor labor. She hated that she couldn’t be inside with her mom and older sister. 5 or so boys came after her so she had to teach them and the whole birth order created so much resentment in her. She had 4 kids with a man she hated and raised those kids to be full of as much anger as she. All of her children have addictive personalities to some degree and barely any of them speak to her, save for the youngest who she dotes on. My dad is the 3rd oldest and second boy and he is forever frozen in his childhood. The hardest part about being the child of narcissistic parent is that you can never trust them. I’ve realized in adulthood I never could rely on him as a kid and I still can’t now, so it feels a lot similar to mourning someone still alive. There’s so much more I could say on the topic but I mainly just wanted to say thanks, Dr. Ramami. These videos are super resourceful and accessible to the masses!

Okay, this explains a lot of my views and way of thinking when I was a kid and adolescent. Holy, the whole thinking "if I can be a better daughter then I'll get real love and not question my parents' behaviors" was such a huge thing. Religion didn't help with it either since it tells you to "honor thy father and mother" and then going to Catholic school and CCD. And then in media I rarely saw narcissistic parents. Oh wow, I'm just glad I have a word to finally describe what happened to me. I was trauma bonded. And I was very trauma bonded as an adult in my 20's. And now being in my early 30's, I'm able to see that was a toxic and unhealthy kind of love I had with my parents. Also realizing one of my old childhood best friends, she was very trauma bonded too. She was also the kind to describe "getting angry a lot" in any kind of relationship (platonic or romantic) as normal and just being "passionate". She also saw herself as a rescuer all the time too. Just having the word, trauma bonded is mind blowing to me. No wonder she enabled and excused my mom when I told her all the toxic and narcissistic things she did (granted, I didn't use those words. We didn't have the language then. But just describing it, she ignored it). I'm starting to see my childhood best friend, was also suffering, and it's kinda sad. Especially after how nice her mom treated me. But narcissistic people can treat others better, which I also saw with my narcissistic parents with my friends. I'm just glad I finally have language to describe it

Thank you this is exactly what my son and I are going through he feeds on DRAMA

I have felt that primal held in your body attachment and the push and pull in some adult friendships/relationships/work situations that I wasn’t sure about. I thought it was me being ‘triggered’ at first. Now I know it was my body trying to tell me something was off and showing me the patterns. Learning to listen to and respect my body, as it helps guide me when something/someone is off. Thank you ❤

Something I think that is so important in childhood is to get a child out of a school where they are being severely bullied if other attempts to stop the bullying failed. If not, I think it can cause a trauma bond. I was pretty much stuck at a school like that and couldn't get out until I graduated. Years later, I would fall in with abusive employers but didn't really make an effort to quit or even look for a different job, I think because I had gotten used to environments like that. It is sad and feels like a waste of precious time now.

@chellallah2115

Ай бұрын

💯💯💯💯💯💯

3:45.. agreed.. the worst is not letting that child grow up to be it's own person.

@teresadvorak6145

Жыл бұрын

My narcs adult children live with her & are never going to be able to leave. They are her built in supply

I marred my mother twice. Now the relationships I had, reflect on how I was raised.

thank you! sending love and support to all! xx

@nordicfrost

Жыл бұрын

Lord knows we’ll need it.

@anonymousanonymous9797

Жыл бұрын

@@nordicfrost bless you. sending you a hug. xx

I moved to live closer to this man and he has hurt us so badly

This explains a lot especially when the explanation of childhood trauma bonding & seeing my husband’s mother who I believe was a covert narcissist & practiced very inconsistent parenting & she used a lot of trauma techniques basically scaring my husband when he was a child to conform to her ways & just like you said no child is going to view the parent as the perpetrator & the child will blame themselves & he does cherish the good days he talks about them in a euphoric manner & he definitely constructed a grandiose & fantastical version of the idolized parent his mommy, he has spent a lifetime of enmeshment with his mommy & I the wife have had to pay a heavy price for his mother’s selfish narcissist overbearing intrusive lack of boundaries for 24 years until her passing however because of her constant & steady comparisons & creating a competition with his siblings especially the golden child because his mother was constantly comparing them to one another & she actually pitted one against the other in such a fashion that on the surface you could not see how methodical & intentional it was because she merited an award of the best manipulator in human history because she had a silver tongue & used religious beliefs & things to magically pull the strings in such a sugar coated way that most would never appear as such but trust me the evidence is in the intensive sibling rivalry due to her creation & her trauma bonding techniques were used to control her sons & because their father worked out of town & she alienated them away from him in a way & they view him as the bad guy & she’s the angel & she constantly bashed the man over & over & over she criticized him profusely & never spoke a kind word ever to them about their father. She passed but my husband still has a lot of trauma bonding issues with other family members & it’s tough dealing with this.

Thank you I needed to see this. I’m untangling these patterns and wanting a healthier mutual relationship. It takes a lot of work to unlearn though ❤️

This has 💯 been my life and relationships. Thankfully through lots of trauma therapy and Dr Ramanis healing program, I am learning to choose differently. I am choosing healthy safe positive loving kind validating people. It’s surprisingly hard to find. But feels good when I do. Learning to choose and do what’s best for me. Thank you ❤

Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash

@peterwilliams6361

Жыл бұрын

@Emilio Yepez well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer

@peterwilliams6361

Жыл бұрын

@Emilio Yepez her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster

@peterwilliams6361

Жыл бұрын

you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.

I've been in a trauma bonded relationship with my parents especially my father since childhood. My relationships & friendships as an adult have always been with narcissistic people.

The algorithm did me a great service connecting me with your channel. I played the first video I saw "when they know you know'' to my daughter. A couple minutes into it she asked "is this about mom?"

Trauma bonding is such a plague because even if you aren’t in it, it still affects you because others in your circle are!

Continued learning from your channel. Continued thanks, Dr Ramani. 🌞 The idea/reality of trauma bonding happening in adulthood is eye-opening. ✨ The more I can grow up with this knowledge, the more I have to give in the healthiest, wisest way, with no expectations as to how that will help or not help others.

I'm so glad you had this conversation. I was listening to your podcast with I believe, the Twitter swindler survivor. She said she can come from a wonderful childhood, but she said her mother groomed her to be the perfect little wife as she was so submissive to her husband. And her father was just always so wonderful even though he was so strict that he didn't want her to date anybody except anyone like him. She was fantasizing her parents. Throughout the interview, I was like, this woman was groomed to fall in love with a narcissist when she grew up. And .... That definitively was not a healthy wonderful loving household nor was it healthy parenting. I didn't understand why you didn't stop her in the interview, or try to explain anything to her, but I'm really glad you addressed that fantasizing the parents here w this video. Thank you Dr Ramani.

I just recently ended "relationships" with 4 fake female "friends"....whew, what a relief. Thank God I have 4 real friends who are like sisters and truly wonderful.

@izzylandyt

Жыл бұрын

You’re lucky to find 4. I only found 2, and they’re dying…

@taralilarose1

Жыл бұрын

@@izzylandyt So 😔 sorry

@stephanie3848

Жыл бұрын

Me too. I look back and can't believe how unhealthy the relationships were

You shall know the truth & the truth shall make you free. But right now I feel like I have been tied to the whipping post.

EXELLENT!!! This really helps me understand the trauma bond I am dealing with with my narcissistic wife and the trauma bonds our 2 adult children have. It will be an excellent video to show them as it emphasizes the need to deal with their childhood trauma bond, which is what I always thought would have to happen. This will be a great tool to readdress that elephant in the room. Thank you

This video made me realize what I couldn’t put into words myself when it comes to my past relationships…thank you dr. Ramani❤

This is literally the best video I've ever seen on this. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for explaining it so perfectly

Wow. I'm 48 and just begin to gain some insight. My mom is a narcissist and bipolar. I have been and still am her caretaker. For the first time i am begining to look at and work on me.... i have difficulty with creating boundaries and being self loving. Your video descibed what i never had wirds for. Thank you.

Dr Ramani and your whole team, Thank you so much for what you do. And if her team reads this, if u could please please suggest a video compilation of Dr Ramani’s most memorable quotes/advice. ❤

Thank you Dr. Ramani! I have been on both sides of this in relationships. Some relationships I felt like I was calm and centered while the other person was expecting or seeking more contrast. I have also been in relationships where I felt I was "less" stable and my partner was calm and steady. Very interesting concepts.

Dr. Ramani, you always put things in perspective. The way you explain things are exactly how I feel on the inside or how I thought about things. I feel I was trauma bonded due to the relationship with my ex husband- not so much in childhood.

Sounds so much of my relationship with my mother! Everything you said,Dr. Ramani,I can totally relate to! 😥

THANK YOU! Thank you for saying that it could be a year (or two) before the yuck starts happening. The common theme is that the course of these relationships are such that the bad stuff starts happening in a matter of a few months or even weeks. That has held my recovery stuck for a long time, with all the usual self-blame and self-doubt recriminations. And I remember my Father telling me that by the time he realized something was horribly wrong, he had one child and another on the way. Understanding that the mask may take a couple of years to start slipping explains so very much. Thank you for this very important bit of information that seems to be overlooked normally. I'm so grateful to have found a man that is everything someone could want in a true partner. Peace is triumph.

Did not have trauma bonding in childhood. Yep, the adult trauma bonding is "we can make it work", "if I learn more about the person, and they learn more about me, I'm sure, we'll reach common ground", "It's hard to find an attractive single person at my age ", "let's try to become a good team, you want that too right?", etc. Very true about a year or two - patterns are only noticed when the regularity and the cycles emerge.

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

So how do you feel when they do something the first time? You just brush it off?

I just want to understand why my mother loves my domestic violent brother more than me. Why I am not enough..

@DiamondEyez456

Жыл бұрын

@Uncle Iroh Yes, you are right.. b/c if you only heard the nasty sexual abuse things said to me while her son slept with workers of the family business that we subordinates.. which legally could have taken my parents business down besides the rages he did to employees and even strangled them besides strangling me with a phone cord in front of her and she did nothing about it. I don’t know anymore.. I wish I could find a mother type figure.. at least I have tried with someone who knew my grandparents as this woman’s parents knew my grandparents as well as her. I wish for an honest family.. real support. Thank you for your compassion & well wishes I’m hoping I find that. I appreciate it hugely. 🙏

@WWZenaDo

Жыл бұрын

She probably prefers the psychopath or sociopath son because he's just like her - or he gets away with the things she would like to do to people but isn't openly nasty enough to take the risk of exposing her own dysfunctionality.

@DiamondEyez456

Жыл бұрын

@@WWZenaDo that's what a recent therapist said as well. She protects him b/c as you have told me in how she is sneaky with her drinking & hides things, she identifies with him and why she does it. And yes, makes a lot of sense.."risk of exposing her own dysfunctionality'. Thank you. It hurts to hear yet I need to be reminded...and keep practicing radical acceptance (recognize the reality of things and grieve that she will never be nor ever want to admit to and always be).

@WWZenaDo

Жыл бұрын

@@DiamondEyez456 Keep working on breaking free from her. She sounds poisonous and deliberately cruel to you. Just like my piece of filth mother.

@DiamondEyez456

Жыл бұрын

@@WWZenaDo also she has called me a f*ck up a few times in front of people or people I dated drunk out of her mind.. there is so much more.. but you are right, she is sneaky like him too.

Thank you I’m so glad I came across you’re content it has put so much in perspective.

Again you hit the nail on the head!

Thank you so much for educating us! Your voice, explanation, and video content is so good! Keep up the great work! As someone who is looking into becoming an LMFT who writes a book series on the side, I love your videos! Continue what you are doing and have a wonderful day! 💖

Thank you again Dr. Ramani💕

Dr Ramani thank you for this. I have wondered about the trauma bonding differences from childhood vs as an adult and what, other than narcissism, causes it in childhood. Thanks for clarifying this!

Awesome Work! Thank YOU 😊

This video brought a lot of comfort to me. I very much have a narcissistic mother. And I've had an interest in psychology for almost all my life. These two facts relate because I never saw a therapist but spent.... 14 years working through my trauma. And, Yes. I'm aware to analyze yourself without guidance is a bad thing. Especially when you're not licensed and are only educated via interest and not formally. Part of the 14 years was me obliterating myself. I now struggle thinking I am a vulnerable narcissist, because a lot of the things I experience and had/have going through my head fits vulnerable narcissism. This video actually pointed out what the inconsistencies with VN that I have. Pretty much everything here explains a lot for me. The being desperate for approval from people you should trust but get taken advantage of by and how that led to a lot of self doubt and even self loathing. My mom had my older sister and myself before she was 18. She was a single mother for a looong time. She has a lot of trauma she needs to work through, but the problem is... My mother is a full blown narcissist - she doesn't think she is but that's part of the whole charade for her. She's flawless in her eyes, her way of thought is the only way, and everyone else are the NPCs to her PC. With all that said, I had to come to understand shes suffering her own trauma, and even though she cannbe narcissistic that doesnt mean I don't empathize with my mother. I do love her but it was hard to separate her actions and my mother. I've had to learn to accept certain aspects of life with her can't be done - we don't go out to eat unless we go where she wants at the time she wants, for example.

@jennw6809

Жыл бұрын

The conventional wisdom is that if you wonder if you're a narcissist... you aren't. You are likely the counterpart, which some call "codependent." I wish we had a better word. I also had a vulnerable narcissistic mother and sometimes struggle with the same feelings -- as I do some of those behaviors sometimes. But they were modeled for us!

@mday3821

Жыл бұрын

Just know your vulnerable narcissistic mother will get worse with age and the "Victimology" also gets worse. Everything & everyone is being mean to them & they become more helpless putting everything onto their target. I saw it first hand.

@HolyDemonRune

Жыл бұрын

@@mday3821 yeah. Most of which I mention is based off my younger mother from 14-20 years ago. I'm 35 now and she has only gotten worse with age. She's down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole now. You know, that stuff that only works when it feeds into previously held beliefs. She's become a bit more antagonistic about her beliefs as well, getting to the point of it's her against the world. And as I said, my mother is handling her own trauma, which doesn't make that statement entirely wrong. My mother had 'the world in her shoulders' for years.... Even though she was a self imposed 'Atlas' to a degree.

Thank you 🙏 so much for making this video❣️

Excellent Dr Ramani...

I don't know why but the reality of trauma bonding brings to mind the concept in Buddhism of attachments and aversions. I realize that while one can make correlations between different categories, of anything, and in this case between psychology and Buddhism, that it is probably best to leave the concepts, in this case like I said between psychology and Buddhism, in separate categories. Just wanted to share this.

@mistress.villaina7591

Жыл бұрын

this was insightful... it truly does being attachments and aversions to mind

@patrickbinford590

Жыл бұрын

@@mistress.villaina7591 thanks -- this response difference I think depends on the thought behind the analysis of this --

@mspheeincali7418

Жыл бұрын

The multitude of belief systems, religions, myths, and legends are historical based. Digging in you can find the human psychological condition explained with warnings throughout. You also find geological explanations of the past. I think the vast changes in language and communication has inhibited us from understanding on a level that will help us before we discover (if we are lucky enough to find our way out of the fog) the reality of our situations. Then we search for answers and find them and the correlations connect. The current movies, tv shows, books, and music do the same. But still there is a disconnect because it is hard to get free from our physiology, emotions, programming, and the general busy noise of current society to get an outside objective perspective to recognize the patterns and red flags. Objectively that makes sense to me. Unfortunately the sheer volume of trauma and damage is difficult to accept. Then there is the coming to terms with the fact that the people who did the damage were never what they pretended to be. And those people used love, family, faith, and friendship to deceive us to use us. Some intentionally and some unintentionally makes it even more complicated to heal from depending on each unique but oddly similar situation. Thankfully we are finding each other thanks to Dr Ramani and others. We are not alone and it is our time to take back control of our lives and fight for our freedom and our right to flourish. With this information and support from each other we each have a stronger chance to do it.

With all due respect, l am looking forward for every video you post just mind opening , thank you. The child trauma is different in the sense that l completely unconsciously blocked all the trauma in every aspect which I had to endure because l didn’t know what was happening and couldn’t walk away . Later years I realized the nightmare I was going through and have flickered images of that. Because of this in adult life l was functioning out through fear unknowingly. The child trauma is unconscious uprooted and can lead to a lifetime of mental imprisonment if not aware and after healed. I am not saying that adult trauma is easier or less just more mental prepare for working on it knowing that the mind is only full development is at the age of 25. Thank you for all your videos most appreciated.

Yes, I was in late teens when met narcissist. Fits the adult pattern you describe. I learned early to look for the good in everyone.

Thanks doctor. Yes first time with being in a romantic narc and yes I am suffering the trauma bonding trip. It's awful and exhausting. I am now seeing a therapist to get me on the right path. Intellectually I understand what's happening to me but the counselling is certainly helping.

I went from being with a complete Narcissist to a mild Narcissist. Second one wasn't mean, but still did things more when I said it bothered me. Definitely different degrees of Narcissm which makes it confusing!

I had a secure relationship with my youngest sister for many years. When my mother was going to die, the sister distanced from me and spent her time with 2 other sisters. Things changed when my parents passed away. I walked away- after being scapegoated, devastated. Several in-laws are also big trouble-makers.

I just feel because I’m old and sick that all this doesn’t work it was all done to you by another person and I have been through it and it doesn’t work it make me feel worse. It sucks I didn’t take a drug. I didn’t willingly agree to any of this but now I have to fix it and go through the pain and the misery of doing it. I don’t think my heart can take it. I have heart disease and I don’t think I can do it anymore. I tried all this talk therapy. None of this shit works just makes you feel worse.

Thank you Thak you Thank you!!!❤👍❤👍❤

A trauma bond is a psychological starvation diet. This psychological starvation diet is normalized over time. Even outsiders temporarily joining the group can join in on who is allowed to express an opinion as an equal human, or not in order to "help" maintain homeostasis, when they accept the signaling that one is out, and the others find that acceptable. There are whole packs who cyberstalk to hijack lives and keep targets virtual hostages this way. It's variously called organized stalking and harassment, or revenge services (zersetzung), depending upon who you pay to destroy the target's involuntary life. I have been such a hostage since my apartment was broken into, no visible signs of forced entry in the mid 1990's, when my passport was stolen out of my home and financial, personal relationships started falling apart because of the nasty rumors I had nothing to do with creating about myself.

I have wondered about different impact of trauma on children and adults. I teach a course on genocide studies. Viktor Frankl was able to process what the Nazis did to him as an adult. That’s very different from what a child goes through. Are there any good books on this?

Good job 👏 Keep it Up 👍

So, experiencing guilt and responsibility to stay and look after them likely means trauma bond was from childhood rather than adulthood?

Love is a form or trauma, Good or bad still a form of trauma. While we are changed by abusive relationships my hope is that love can also change us. As I get older I am trying to limit the amount "trauma" or at the least choose a form of trauma that will cultivate the person I am.

Great companion content to this video is The Crappy Childhood Fairy and Patrick Teahan

Thank you Dr Ramani, very interesting. I believe I have a trauma bond from childhood abuse, and more recently one from a 5 year relationship with a Covert Narcissist - approximately 10 weeks no contact now, here in the UK its hard to know where to go to for help, I've been offered CBT on our NHS but not until June, do you think that will help me?

the worst problem for me is that i do not justify the bad behavior.i know clearly the truth. but it seems when someone loves me i get repulsed and when someone acts hot and cold i am sexually attracted. i mean i can choose my friends. but my biggest problem is i can't choose or control sexual attraction. i guess i wont stop trying to change that

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

You can choose your friends but you're not sure why you're sexually attracted to weirdo perverted disconnected energy. How convenient

Thank you❤👌💐😊

Dr Ramani, would it be possible to do a dive into how the different types of narcissists on social media show up? It's like navigating a minefield.

How can I find a therapist who specializes in narcissistic relationships? I’m a senior and have been in this type of relationship for decades and feel there is no hope at this late stage of life. This seems like such a complex problem that takes so much time to resolve. It seems to require someone who is well trained in the topic. How can I find a good therapist that might understand treating seniors who are long term victims of narcissism? What qualifications am I looking for? Or at this stage do I just need a sympathetic ear? Thank you.

I feel like love is one of the most dangerous things in the world. You get addicted to it for long years and one day it is all gone. You are all alone with a huge emptiness inside yourself. You feel like you can't live anymore but you can but it is all nothing but suffocation.

This is very interesting and makes me wonder if trauma bonding starting in the childhood years creates narcissistic behaviors in adulthood. I was in an extremely toxic relationship with a narcissist and it was almost impossible to get out I finally realized the only way to break free was completely cut communication. I wouldn't respond yet he would send me countless texts for close to a year he is now in another relationship that mirrors the relationship that we were in very toxic. I think that he has a lot of unresolved childhood trauma intern creating that narcissistic behavior. Dr. Ramani I would love to hear your thoughts.

beautiful mrs

This is fascinating! I thought all trauma bonding was from childhood and assumed adults who make bad relationship choices were in denial that they had a less than stellar childhood.

So good, as always, but it’s not just traumatized people that have a connection with their sensory systems, and this connection isn’t always a bad thing. It’s about finding the utility in it, speaking it’s language - not ignoring it

Dr Ramani can you make a video of how narcissistic abuse affects the grieving process after a loved one dies? A close relative of mine died and I fell in with a narc boss only one month later.

I was never physically or emotionally attached to my parents. Into adulthood my relationships started out great and then after a couple of months i could feel myself pull away, I would look for things in my relationships i didn't like. Sometimes physically things about them that turned me off. I am married now and my husband is the very opposite of me and after a few years I still can't bond with him sexually and physically. I also tend to be a loner and find it difficult to be in social situations.

Kind of off topic: I’m listening to your podcast. How do you find someone who can sweep your house for recording devices left behind by your narcissistic ex partner?

What’s worse than a narcissist parent? Both of them are narcissists and you are a people’s pleaser 😢

Hey Dr. Ramani! Can you please maybe explain the difference between paranoid personality disorder vs malignant narcissism?

If you talk about positivity it will be better 🎉

Good vid 👍👍

How about Neglect? If a person was neglected by his parents as a child, is it possible that he accepts abuse because he craves attention?, even if it's harmful. Maybe it is better than being neglected? And therefore becomes an easy prey because tolerates abuse.

i am so confused with my ex narc, because she also seems to have Machiavellianism trait, & signs of being a dark triad. Is it possible for her to have all these different traits. OMG.

*question* Hi Dr Ramani, thank you so much for all of your content🖤 I have a question - I was abused by my mother from around the age of 6 - 19 when I left home. My dad was incredibly loving and a great father, but he worked away all week so was not aware of what was going on. What does it mean if from the age of about 10 I knew it was abuse and did not fall into the typical pattern of self-blaming and internalising? Does this make me somewhat narcissistic? I never felt like I was responsible. My my mum was an abusive alcoholic and from the age of about 10 I was very combative with her and expressed this to her (it didn’t stop the abuse). I haven’t heard of this pattern much so I’m curious to know your thoughts. However I will say that around the age of 17 all of the years of abuse eventually wore me down and broke me, every cruel thing she’d ever said became my narrative and I live with it to this day. Thank you🖤

Dr Ramani, can you cover topic on how narcissist destroy families by luring a spouse/partner away from a committed relationship only to be discarded later on?

Dr Ramani your video really helping me to understand from where I am lacking self confidence. But as both my parents are narcissistic in their way to control my life, I don't know how to deal with it. I am 29years old,already received my doctoral degree. Still they are trying to control my life. In terms of my relationship my next life choices etc. But as you said, I cannot confront them neither I could not block them, being their only child. I am really in a dilemma how to maintain my individuality without just blocking them. Please help me.

@bipasakar

Жыл бұрын

Please help me doctor ramani. Can you please share your email id or something, so that I can talk with you and clarify things a little bit

I've heard that we conflate trauma bonding with love because as a child it's the biggest/most intense emotion we felt. As adults, we continue to conflate it with love because it's familiar

@chayo4537

Жыл бұрын

Speak for yourself

@SusanBSketchy

Жыл бұрын

@Chayo I did. But judging by your comment history, it appears you do not follow your own advice. You seem kinda angry, dude. I hope you find the self compassion to speak for yourself one day, too.

Can you help something about trauma bonded kid and mom How to reduce all that and be normal I am a victim of narcissistic behavior for 8 years and it’s now 10 months after separation but still I m crying and cannot help me sometimes and even unable to relax my daughter when she is missing him

My boyfriend now has this same bond, w his work , he said when he was a kid he was so confused and now working in the food industry he’s confused at same time I explained turned out I notice it’s a trigger .