*Captions are being made, thank you for your patience!*

@JustSaralius

Жыл бұрын

Just to let you know - there is an audio issue. The cut-away scenes (green dress) have basically no audio at all. :(

@ArtingFromScratch

Жыл бұрын

Same

@AWindy94

Жыл бұрын

@@JustSaralius yeah that threw me off at first lol

@jenniferevans89

Жыл бұрын

@@JustSaralius I'm not losing my mind! Thank you ❤

@resourceress7

Жыл бұрын

Captions to rescue! (For people who can access them)

Sperm bank baby here! Can confirm that it is very important for me to make a distinction between "donor" and "father" as the child involved. My father raised me; the only thing I want to do with my donor is buy him a beer as thanks for doing something really, really nice for my family. 👍 They are profoundly NOT interchangeable words to me.

@DieAlteistwiederda

Жыл бұрын

It's also very important for people whose bio dad's or mom's just never were really involved in their life or those who were given up for adoption. My nephew doesn't know his bio dad besides from pictures. He is 20 and the only dad he has is my sisters husband who has been in his life pretty much since birth. We call him his father and he calls him that too. The other person is just his bio dad or whatever other creative names my nephew likes to use occasionally. My oldest cousin is adopted, his only parents are my aunt and uncle. That's how he sees it and that's therefore how I see it as well. I know that's something very personal so I usually just go by what the person uses themselves.

@narnigrin

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your experience of this. I'm a solo parent and biological mum to a "donor baby" and so far, I maintain that he doesn't have a father. Yes there is a person who contributed DNA but that person has never met kiddo or had any interest of being a parent to him or anyone else. This is, apparently, very abstract for some people. I wish there were separate words for "parent i.e adult who cares for you and helps you while you grow up" and "parent i.e biological progenitor/DNA donor".

@SashaFierceVermont

Жыл бұрын

A term I’ve heard a teacher use with her young students- “Raisins” 😂 Hilarious, light, inclusive term. Instead of discussing Dads and Mums when referring to adult carers in the home, she asks “Who are your Raisins?” Who is RAISING you? Inclusive and non-judgemental and allows the family to define themselves and their roles. Grandparents, Aunts, Cousins, Friends, Fosters, Single parents, couples… makes zero assumptions. Perhaps a more formal, new adjectives and nouns will evolve soon. ​@@narnigrin

@sarahwithstars

Жыл бұрын

You explained this beautifully!

@helRAEzzzer

Жыл бұрын

Really? I was honestly concerned that they are so strick about saying "donor" over "father." I know many adopted children, and I've heard a handful of donor babies voice this too, have a huge lack of self not knowing about their biological family. My cousin, despite her biological parents being HORRIFIC to her and she does very much hate that they treated her so poorly, still sometimes refers to her biological family - not her bio parents though because they were horribly abusive I assume - by the titles they would be: Grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, etc. She also tend to refer to us as family, if she likes the individual. She HATES when I say, "We're French..." because biologically she isn't even though she was raised in French-Canadian culture. My great-grandpa was likely adopted and I definitely wonder about that part of my family. If I had a donor child I would use the term "father." A father doesn't have to be a dad though. To me, a father is biology and can also be a job. A dad, to me, is just the job. I'd be afraid that my child would feel like they can't talk about being a donor child nor ask where they came from. Everyone is different though. I'm glad to hear that avoiding the term "father" is actually better for some donor-born people. I don't have any desire to have biological children; I want desperately to adopt. I guess I just assumed that most donor babies would have similar struggles with identity and abandonment that most adoptees have.

I'm a father who needed a sperm donor due to infertility. Relatable. They said they COULD do exploratory surgery... I declined immediately. I don't care that much about my DNA. I care about my kids.

I have two moms and people still disrespect my non-birth mother’s position constantly. And I’m 20 years old. It infuriates me but I love her a lot, and I try not to bristle when people refer to my donor as my father. It doesn’t matter what others think ultimately - she is my mom and she’s a part of me, she always will be.

@bennyton2560

Жыл бұрын

some people are close-minded, don't listen to them

@maggiep3275

Жыл бұрын

I love that you put it as her being a part of you. ❤ It baffles me that people can’t see that someone can be a pillar in a child’s life without being biologically related to them. We’re godparents for our best friends’ little one, and I swear I love that child with every fiber of my being. I like to think that it won’t matter as he gets older that we’re not blood, because all he’s going to feel is the love we’ve been showering him with for his entire life. Bc honestly that’s what we tend to remember anyway about our childhoods-not who was or wasn’t in our DNA, but how people made us feel. I’m so happy you have the love from your mom to cherish always. ❤

@breezus3847

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this Message. I am a soon to be Non Bio Mum who is very nervous for my unborn son, but your resilience and emotional intelligence has been super reassuring.

It actually hadn't occurred to me until now that the person in a lesbian relationship carrying the child in a pregnancy didn't necessarily need to also be the provider of the egg as well. Neat!

@Inconcvable77

Жыл бұрын

I didn't either! I love learning new things from her.

@maitesoto1953

Жыл бұрын

Only semi related but there was a TV show in my country last year I think about three women who decided to become mothers together! One put the egg, one the womb and one (a trans woman) the sperm and they all raised the child together. I never managed to catch it but the dynamic seemed very interesting

@maybeIAMthetuba

Жыл бұрын

@@maitesoto1953 That is incredible, thank you so much for sharing!!

@PrincessLioness

Жыл бұрын

@@maitesoto1953 Did you find out what it was called?

@maitesoto1953

Жыл бұрын

@@PrincessLioness there was a first one called Pequeña Victoria (little victory) where the was a fourth mum that helped with the raising of the baby and a spin off called Pequeñas Victorias that starts when the little girl starts primary school

42 year old daughter of lesbians. The sheer number of times I've had to correct my family medical history because, "Wait, no, that's my **other** mom. (Biological) Mom had x, Mama had y. I accidentally put down y. Please take that off. I forgot we're not biologically related." I've been asked which one's the 'dad'. I've been asked what we do for father's day. (People get mad when I say that until my brother had kids we treated it like a second mother's day.) Rupert absolutely does not care about biology, I assure you. Also-the 'Go Ask Your Mother' glitch is real. It is frustrating, annoying, hilarious, and absolutely going happen at least once in his life. He'll hate it when it happens but by the time he's my age it'll be a hilarious memory of running back and forth between the two of you until one/both of you realizes what's happening.

It's wild to me that people would even say something like "Claudia had a baby" when cis straight couples use the phrase "we had a baby" all the time (or even sometimes "we (as as couple) are pregnant") and literally no one bats an eye. Of course you should both be congratulated! So happy to see some non-biological lesbian mother representation, loved the video!

@anastaciamenemenils8508

Жыл бұрын

I have some straight friends who talk about how how much they hate the term “we are having a baby” but sometimes babies really are a team effort? Like even if only one person is carrying the baby, the decision to conceive and the timing and planning in queer families can often be a joint decision so it really is a “we” not just an “I’m pregnant”. It’s very context dependent.

@sarahm9968

Жыл бұрын

@@anastaciamenemenils8508 I think "we are having a baby" is all encompassing of any couple that is going to have a baby (via IVF, adoption etc). However, as a woman who has a one year old, I have to say that "we are pregnant" is a bit of a pet peeve haha.

@hannahk1306

Жыл бұрын

Personally, I think we're having / have had a baby is fine, but we're pregnant (unless both parties are actually pregnant) is a bit of an odd phrase. There are definitely different experiences between being pregnant vs supporting a pregnant partner, but after that as Jessica said it's mostly just parenting.

I don't have kids, but I understand some of the "hey, I am important too" sort of situations. I was present for a great friend of mine's first child's birth, which was amazing and scary and beautiful! After she had him, and I spent some time with her to make sure she was okay, and wait on her hand and foot (which is almost literally, because I was holding her right leg when she finally gave birth), I went out to the waiting room where a lot of other family was waiting. I said "I'm heading out now. They are moving her to a regular room (instead of the delivery room) and the new room number is XX and you all should be able to go in soon" and my friend's youngest sister in law said "you mean HIM???" (referring to the little boy she just gave birth to), and I said "Well, he's being moved too, but I was referring to *name of friend that just gave birth*". That obviously really stuck with me. I was there for my friend. Yes, the little bundle of joy was an added benefit, but right after he was born, and had skin on skin time, they took him to the other side of the room to be examined, and the rest of the family that was in the room all went over to the baby. I stayed by my friend's side. I knew I'd have time to be with him, but right in that moment, SHE needed me. She noticed that too, and she still talks about that, to this day. He will be 13 later this year

@reeba4824

Жыл бұрын

I noticed that when my sister gave birth too. My family was asking about the baby nonstop but didn't ask about her and how she was doing... I made sure to be the sister to always ask about her health and wellbeing, cuz moms should always be part of this equation! (Tho to add to Jessica's point, no one asked about how the father was either. As far as I noticed.)

@its-MK...

Жыл бұрын

She's lucky to have a friend like you. I have a friend like that (I told the hospital she was my sister & put her on my HIPAA release so she could be included in everything) and we call her "Auntie Her Name". I delivered at 33 weeks by emergency c-section & Auntie X she was there only a few hours later. She flew thousands of miles with no notice. I didn't get to hold my son at all when he was born. He went straight to the NICU & I was incredibly sick with preeclampsia so I couldn't see him for two days. She video chatted from the NICU those first two days & slept on a cot in my hospital room for a week. She even ended up moving in with us & helping us with the baby for the first two years of his life. It was a very traumatic birth (& post partum) experience, and I'm forever grateful for her.

@conlon4332

3 ай бұрын

@@reeba4824 I think it should be in order of who is most concern. Baby first, because babies are the most likely to possibly not be ok, and also they're new to the world and therefore very exciting, then the person who gave birth, as they could potentially also not be ok, although they're at less risk than the baby, and then anyone else who was involved, like a second parent or birthing partner, because they shouldn't have been in any real danger, but it's important to check if they're doing well emotionally.

The conversation with a new doctor is always an interesting one. Dr: Do you have kids? Mother: Yes, I have 4. Dr: *notes P=4 on chart* How many pregnancies? Mother: Zero, all adopted. Dr: *scribbles out 4 and changes to 0* I guarantee every one of my charts has a scribble and correction.

My sleepy-ass read this title and was utterly confused how you weren’t a bio mother, because you seemed pretty aware of the environment and climate change 😅

@KindCountsDeb3773

Жыл бұрын

been there, do that. 💤😴😴🛏🛏

@laviniasnow4494

Жыл бұрын

🤣

@coconoisette

Жыл бұрын

She's been raised with pesticides 😔

So sorry some of you are having audio problems with the video, we are trying to find the cause it at the moment. The video seems to have sound on some devices but not others (for instance Apple laptop, iPhone and Google Pixel phones all seem fine, but Samsung phones and potentially others are not playing sound in some shots!) 🤔

@ruthsangree1473

Жыл бұрын

This is a great excuse for me to finally ditch my Samsung and get an apple phone lol

@aurifulgore

Жыл бұрын

Can confirm, my Pixel is fine!

@paulopezbotella7216

Жыл бұрын

I'm watching from a windows laptop and the sound was fine

@the.jamie.turner

Жыл бұрын

Just in case it helps with troubleshooting, I’m on an iPhone but also have no sound during the green outfit sections.

@ElizabethXVIII

Жыл бұрын

I’m watching on an apple iPad and the sound isn’t working on the green top shots

Also as the non-birth parent, you should find out the laws where you live. You may not legally be considered a parent. If you aren’t, I advise meeting with a lawyer to put in place as much protection as you can. (In Jessica’s case, she is legally a parent, but that isn’t always the case.)

@westzed23

Жыл бұрын

Very good point. Thank you.

@JankoWalski-hz3lu

Жыл бұрын

That's true. I live in Poland where children of two moms are being denied citizenship as polish administration workers don't know how to transcribe birth certificates as there are only mother and father fields in polish forms.

@jennifers5560

Жыл бұрын

@@JankoWalski-hz3lu that is awful!

@AnEmu404

Жыл бұрын

@@JankoWalski-hz3lu i remember hearing about some really disheartening anti-Lgbt+ stuff happening in Poland a while back, what’s the general climate like there now?

@andromeda_lw

Жыл бұрын

@@AnEmu404 there's no change for the better in sight.

Being adopted taught me that biology really has very little to do with it. Family is about who is there for you.

I'm not a robot, I'm just a lesbian is probably my new favourite sentence, quote and motto

Of course you’re not a Dad, but I wonder if there’s a space for non-birthing parents following their partner giving birth. I’ve definitely heard Dads who have birthing partners express some of these same feelings and feeling that they needed to shuffle aside anything they went through because their partner, you know, grew and delivered an entire human.

@bestaqua23

Жыл бұрын

I know . A friend of my really really was looking forward to raising his kids. And he found it difficult to find a job they would consider him a perent . He has to pretend he doesn't actely have kids thet he's loosing sleep over and thet is crazy

@phaedk.9267

Жыл бұрын

Oh for sure! As Jessica was speaking, I was thinking about my own feelings around my future (not cis) fatherhood, at this first period of it at least. Birthing person cares for the baby, partner cares about birthing parent before and after birth. And I think that's all important and fair. However, the other partner must be cared for as well, and I can very clearly see how, in a similar situation I wouldn't seek support knowing my partner already has a ton on their back. What Jessica said was extremely soothing to my general anxiety tho! (Also the fact that my partner said they might not want to carry- so the situation will probs be different)

When I was one, my parents (biological) adopted an older brother for me who was three. That’s what they told me, that they were adopting an older brother for me! We’re in our 50s now and are both loved equally by our parents, and that is all that matters!

@kiarimarie

Жыл бұрын

The actual circumstances aside, that kinda cute how your parents put it.

@PhoebeFayRuthLouise

Жыл бұрын

Because of the way they put it, I always thought he was chosen especially for me! And I was pretty old before I caught on that people usually got younger brothers and sisters!

Jessica, at least at the moment, for scenes where you're in green the sound gets VERY soft and we can't hear you. Just wanted to flag, very excited for this video! Thank you so much for all you do

@frugalhousewife9878

Жыл бұрын

Yes, same. I actually thought the sound went out. Marvelous video and topic. You are a beacon!

@nellyls7872

Жыл бұрын

I hear nothing

@KikyoNiwa7

Жыл бұрын

I'm hard of hearing and can't hear these parts at all! The auto-generated captions don't even pick up what she's saying.

@johannaand4624

Жыл бұрын

I hear the words totally fine, but it is almost like an under water sound..?

@TheSpiralLab

Жыл бұрын

Yeah the switching back and forth is difficult to manage on a sensory level. But it’s a topic I’m very familiar with, as the “non bio” mom to a now 25 year old who my ex wife gave birth to and a now 19 year old adopted through domestic adoption.

i am also a product of ivf! nearly 30 years before rupert lol. in the early 2000s it was so fun pretending that my existence is the result of sci fi magic. i doubt the technology still holds the same fascination for Kids These Days, but i still hope he'll enjoy all of the "do you have a bellybutton?" questions as much as i did!

@ophilianecr

Жыл бұрын

You and all the IVF babies should say you have two bellybuttons! 😊 That should be fun to see people's reaction.😨😱 😂😂

@wetsockfullofhotmeat

Жыл бұрын

I find it hilarious how IVF and c-section babies can both relate on the whole "not conceived/born the traditional way" thing. I used to love telling kids in my class that I popped out of my mom's stomach like a xenomorph lol

I used to refer to my son’s donor as GC, for genetic contributor. It invited fewer nosy questions. 😀😂

As a disabled and non biological mother I really appreciate the representation. ❤️

I'm a cis single woman trying to explore my options for starting a family and although the sexuality side of your story doesn't apply to me, I just want to reach out to you to say thankyou for this.

@hannahclarke872

Жыл бұрын

It's helping me to start to process some emotions and fears. I just want to let you know I'm grateful 🙏

@TheDawnofVanlife

Жыл бұрын

My friend just did this. She hasn’t had a partner since her divorce but wanted a child. She had some infertility issues, but successfully had a baby last year. That kid is so loved, but I hate all the people who thought she was cheating the kid by pursuing parenthood absent of an active father.

@angelfaye101

Жыл бұрын

@@TheDawnofVanlife omg I had no idea you were still making KZread videos. I remember coming across your channel several years ago when you were still in your minivan. Hopefully you’re doing well.

@angelfaye101

Жыл бұрын

That’s going to be my situation. I’m torn between adoption and using a sperm bank as a single woman. It seems so much more difficult to adopt as a single parent than to just pick a donor. I’m still in the process of figuring out what I want but I’m glad I’m not alone in this

@AR-fb1nw

10 ай бұрын

​@@TheDawnofVanlifewhy do you hate that when there are literally statistics that prove your opinion silly?

You seem like an ideal mother, Jessica. I’m so sorry that you went through a spell of worrying that Rupert wouldn’t love you as much as he does Claudia. He’s a very lucky little fellow to have you two devoted mummies. 🎀💖🎀

@KindCountsDeb3773

Жыл бұрын

well said and so true !

All non-biological mothers are still 100% mothers. You are a great parent, Jessica! I can tell from your videos and pictures with Rupert. He's very lucky to have you and Claudia as mothers. ❤

Love this! Signed, another lesbian parent to a one year old son who's not biologically related and whose wife is & gave birth. (Oh, and someone for whom gestation also happened to be a physiological impossibility. Never realized how much overlap there was until I started typing that! Wow.)

I love this. As a step mom it can be hard because I dont get taken seriously because Im not the bio mom. Ive even been told multiple times that because I havent been pregant and given birth then Im not a mom and I wont know what a mom is like till I have a kid. Im sterile and like you have significant health issues that pregancy is a no go for me. I look forward to part two. Thank you again for this video. I shared it on facebook so others can see this.

@PrincessLioness

Жыл бұрын

I feel like the situation is different with step parents, especially when both of the actual parents are involved in the child’s life, than Jessica’s situation. Ultimately she is Ruperts mom, and as such has full responsibility as well as the final say when it comes to how to raise him, that step parents just don’t have. That isn’t to say that step parents can’t have a good relationship with their step kids.

@emeraldlily673

Жыл бұрын

@@PrincessLioness step parents are as good as bio parents *especially* as they literally chose to be in the kids life (as long as they treat the kid as their own that is. My brother’s step-mum is amazing, my dad kicked him out the house) and saying they don’t even count in making *decisions* about the kid’s life is harmful and hurtful and I suggest you fucking stop. Especially don’t say that to a stepmother who’s sharing her story about how people invalidate how she’s a mother just cuz she didn’t give birth.

@PrincessLioness

Жыл бұрын

@@emeraldlily673 It’s not about giving birth, that’s not what I was saying, why don’t you fucking stop putting words in my mouth, non bio or not, if you’re who they mom or dad, you’re their parent. I don’t know her situation, and every step parent situation is different. Not every step parent wants to be a parent and not every kid wants a step parent. I for one happen to have a lot of negative experiences with step parents. No they are not always as good as parents (bio or not). I never said they shouldn’t make decisions on the child, but when all chips are down, the parents will get the final say because they’re the ones who decided to bring that child into their situation and they’re on the birth certificate.

@salamanda11

Жыл бұрын

@@PrincessLioness Sure it’s probably a little different, but this step mom is sharing how she relates to Jessica’s experience. Without knowing their situation, it’s not fair to invalidate. If you are there for the child day after day, you’re a parent even if you didn’t give birth.

@Robin-zf4id

Жыл бұрын

Hi! Kid of a complicated family here. Just wanna say that it means a lot to me to see that you care about your (step) children and that I'm sorry that people treat you like you're a sort of stranger to them. My step-mom didn't like me (much less love me) so it's nice to see that your kids are being taken care of and that you want to be their mom, even though you're not biologically related. It truly warms my heart to see this (I teared up when I read your message). Thank you :) I hope people start treating you well soon!

This is so important to many families. We are cis and adopted. So many people make crazy comments about parents, biological parents, or my favorite "real parents ". People are rude. You are both amazing parents

@JankoWalski-hz3lu

Жыл бұрын

A "real parent" is someone who raised the child. I don't get this kind of people.

@bellafiga5999

Жыл бұрын

A few months after my wife and I had our first child someone asked us which one of us was “the real” mother. We have also been asked how she got pregnant and why I wasn’t pregnant? All of these questions by virtual strangers. We never knew what to say and those questions really really affected me. Now that our first is five and our second is one we have figured out how to shut down those inappropriate questions, but man people can be so inappropriate.

I mean in a heterosexual relationship the father also didn't have the baby himself so I think the phrase "We had a baby" is just as right for your case as it is there. It's your child, both of you are the parents but thankfully only one had to be pregnant and give birth in some way.

@jasonellis4330

Жыл бұрын

The difference there is that the father is (often, unless a donor is used) is still biologically related to the child. Jessica is not, so thats where her concerns came from

@kiarimarie

Жыл бұрын

I seem people have snarky attitudes about men saying "we".

@arsemagossaye1342

Жыл бұрын

@@kiarimarie I think people are annoyed when people say “we are pregnant” when only one parent is pregnant. Saying “we had a baby” is not the same thing bc they’re parents and its true that they’re raising a baby together.

As an adoptee I absolutely know that DNA does not equal family.

As the non bio mom in a poly family yes to all of this. I suffered with post partum depression and felt so isolated bc no one other than my partners understood.

This video could not have come at a better time. My wife and I have just had a failed round of reciprocal IVF (my wife donating, me carrying), and we've been discussing whether to use my eggs instead on the next round. I think this video will be a great comfort to my wife as she grapples with the idea of potentially being the 'other mother'. Thank you so much ❤️

Planning for a baby with one of my partners and it’s been a challenge trying to navigate the legal stuff because we’re not married, so for a same sex couple, that can be a minefield regarding parenting rights and who is legally considered a parent. Especially in the US where the whole legal mess is completely different depending on what state you live in. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I definitely recommend anyone in this situation in the USA getting with an attorney ahead of time who can help you figure out what your rights are in your state and what you can do to ensure both/all parents have rights to parent the child. ❤️

i’m loving the pin up braids with the pearls 💗 thank you for sharing your experiences; you give me hope for me own future

@jessicaoutofthecloset

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much lovely ❤️

@erjinson

Жыл бұрын

*my oops

@erjinson

Жыл бұрын

@@jessicaoutofthecloset oh wow i actually cried after seeing you reply;;; you, your family and your channel genuinely mean the world to me thank you for everything

Hi Jessica, you might be interested in the baby book ‘My amazing family and me’ My cousin helped create it as she had two mums growing up and them all the baby books were heteronormative and assumed someone carried the baby. Great for adopted and kids with two mums / dads x

I think this Information is honestly important for all parents. A lot of times people completely ignore the father in what they consider a traditional relationship since the dad didn’t carry the baby. And I know a lot of people in my fertility groups who the fathers weren’t biologically related to the children Due to them needing donors. Or families that you surrogacy. I hope that eventually society can catch one that we need to be more understanding of all family dynamics because like you said having a child in your life changes your life for everyone involved not just someone who gave birth

@kimpulsipher647

Жыл бұрын

@SE Robinson. I feel the same as you. You expressed it so much better than I could. Thank you.

We had a baby in August, biologically related to and birthed by me, and this video was really good for my wife and me to see! Thanks for addressing the struggles and joys of the non-bio mom. Would love to hear Claudia’s perspective as well! 💞

As someone who worries about how Imll physically do as a parent with chronic illness, this is so encouraging. Appreciate your realism and honesty on the highs and lows of parenting! And what makes a family ❤️

Yes and yes. Thank you for the acknowledgement of the pressure LGBTQ families feel to show only positivity so as not to invite criticism of the group. That policing and self policing is powerful.

"and bum shuffle chasing me around the kitchen until I give in and read it" Awww, that mental image is adorable

The thing I took away from this is that there needs to be more parenting books for adoptive/non-birth giving parents.

The audio from the green top section of the video sounds like it’s only coming out of one channel

Okay, I don’t have a baby and not even planning to get one, but I’m crying after this video… The thing you said about our chosen families and communities is so important and heart-warming 💕 Thank you!

Thank you so much for this series Jessica. I'm a queer woman, but my nonbiological motherhood journey has been a little different circumstantially. I came into my twins' lives officially as a parent/caregiver at 2 months old (1 month adjusted). I have really struggled with worrying about not being seen as equal, as well as not sharing the ability to "see myself" physically in both of them. To hear another discuss this so openly reaffirmed me in so many ways. I've come throughout the last year to realize that I can see plenty of myself in them, through the littlest of gestures or expressions. I am autistic and recently, my daughter has begun to copy my stim hands when she gets overwhelmed or excited. I hope in the future we come to better ways of acknowledging, accepting, and truly loving families that don't fit into the nuclear ( & bio, hetero) norms.

YES! Please check on the non-birthing parents too! Check on all the family members when a new member enters in any way. I'm in a cis-het marriage and we have a six month old. Since I was pregnant, my mother-in-law has only asked her son how I am doing or how the baby is. She hasn't asked how he is doing in over a year and it really hurts his feelings and makes him feel unimportant.

I was adopted when I was 1 year old, so i’ve always known that family is much more about love than it is about sharing DNA. It just has always been my reality and world, so I’m kinda surprised if sometimes people find that view on family surprisingly new and ‘wow I hadn’t thought of that but it’s so true’. Indeed same goes for chosen family within the LGBTQ+ community. Great video!

I'm in a very similar position to you as I have eds and I have other conditions too which mean I most likely won't be able to carry a fetus to term, and even if I managed to it would most likely leave me unable to walk. I'm bi and after telling a man I was dating I couldn't have children, he asked me "why are you even dating men then if you can't have a baby?"... And that really hurt. I've never been 100% or even 50% sure I want a baby, and finding out I can't was surprisingly a big relief. I've started dating a woman and was talking to my sister about children and I found myself being actually positive about the idea of having a child that wasn't genetically related or carried by me at all. I think it's the only time I've actually liked the idea of having a child at all. My sister laughed and told me when I was younger I would say "I don't want to be a mum, I want to be a dad" (I am cis fem). We're not at the stage where I would talk to the woman I'm dating about children yet, but seeing your videos about motherhood has really helped me to be ok thinking about it and seeing it as a positive possibility.

I really appreciate videos like that because most same-sex couples in the media are in the early stages of their relationship and it's really hard for me to imagine my happy lesbian future in the later phases of love. However, the audio in the green parts is not good. Hope it'll be fixed.

Your so good at cutting the videos to create awesome comic timing :’>

Wow Jessica - your explanation of what a parent is was really beautiful and made me tear up for some reason. The love in your family is so strong and overflows. Love seeing you talk about your family

This was so beautiful, and I loved hearing your perspective. Can't wait for part 2!

Y’all are the cutest little family. Thank you for sharing this. Also Rupert chasing you with a book is ADORABLE.

Jessica- I am so impressed by your eloquence. You give articulate, compassionate voice to a topic that is very complex. Well done just calling out how HARD it is to validate, process, and work through feelings during a physically and emotionally challenging life upheaval - while fending off ignorance and rudeness from others. Rupert is truly lucky to have you! Best wishes

Thank you so much for this gem of a video! I haven't heard most of these topics discussed literally... anywhere. Ever. I think this is all very important for anyone in similar parenting situations and most +definitely+ for family/friends who might not even realize how hurtful/offensive they could be coming across. Also, just when I thought I couldn't possibly learn anything else as I had just learned so much here already, you mentioned that non-carrying parents also develop post-partum depression. It absolutely makes so much sense, but I have never heard so much as a whisper about it. I look forward to the second video's release on Tuesday. In the meantime, I hope you, Claudia, & little Rupert have a lovely weekend!♡

That was very comforting and reassuring. Really lovely video! Much appreciated.

🌸I love this video! It's so helpful & opens my understanding as well as relatablety! Thank you for sharing!

You're amazing for this level of honesty, sharing, and validation to the world, thank you so much!

Thank you sm for making this video! It’s looking like I’m probably not going to have bio-kids so knowing that you have a son and he still loves and connects with you put some of my worries at ease. 💕

I really love watching these videos about your beautiful family and everything that comes with it, even though I don't want children myself, I just find it so beautiful and inspiring to watch! So thank you! So much!! I wish every child could have caring and loving parents like you.

I just found your channel. I've seen this video and the recent update on the signs your baby knows. Your family is so cute. Thanks for being so open about your life and journey. I also love your vintage style so much.

I deeply appreciate your vulnerability and honesty in this video. It gave me a lot to think about, as well as solutions to problems I have not yet encountered.

I also have fertility issues so will be adopting in future and this was really reassuring for me, thank you.

I can tell you two will be, and already are, amazing mothers. If I ever want to or can have children with my future Wife, I aspire to be you guys. Love you

Thank you so much for this, got a lot of feelings to process and the way you talk about your experience felt very therapeutic

My mom read to me from birth, books were not just objects to me growing up they were special friends who got treated with the up most care and compassion. I used to get so upset with myself (and still do) when I would smudge a page accidentally tear a page. This attachment and early reading gave me such a huge lead over others of my age. Not just in terms of reading or language but also knowledge, compassion, the ability to comprehend complex topics and my ability to place myself in other people's situations. I was more prone to experiment (often resulting in me not listening to my teachers instructions) and ask for explanations about things that I did not understand instead of accepting them (my junior school teachers were not fond of me).

Off topic, but I love your hair in this! Love the entire look actually!

Your mothering qualities are truly inspirational. You can tell that many parents (even parent vloggers, even parents who are nice people)kinda see their children as props or accessories. You are a true MOTHER and that is so so much more meaningful and will be just as if not more significant for Rupert in his life than who carried him or shares his DNA. You are truly an inspiration!

As a nursery nurse part of my job is role modelling appropriate play skills and encouraging children's independence. Watching you engage with your son brings me so much joy! X

Thank you for being so open about your experience!

This is a super helpful, thoughtful, informative video. Despite this, what I blurted out - at full volume - as soon as it started was just "braid crown!!!!!!" 👏👏

@spacelasertech8359

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Same here!

Your pure joy in motherhood is so evident and so lovely! You’re positively radiant whenever you speak of your relationship. Your Roo is such a fortunate young man to have his two loving mothers! FWIW: I’m a lesbian with EDS & other “interesting” conditions 😂 & so was also unable to have children. I myself was adopted at birth, and later reunited with my birth mother as well. In a very different way, and each in their own way, both of those women were my “Mom,” and I could not have been more blessed than to have had them both in my life. There are so many kinds of mother-love, but at heart, they are one. 💕

Having recently determined I am asexual, have never been in a relationship, I find it hard when asked, do you have children, or at my current senior age, do you have grandchildren. I so badly want to say, no, that's none of your business. But, it is hard to say that to children who ask.

As always you are amazing! This is such a fantastic important video. I work with families in the community and I'm posting it on my work WhatsApp group so we can all keep improving and doing our job better. Your family is adorable - you don't need me to tell you that, but I feel it's always nice to hear 💜🌈

I laughed so much when Rupert jumped on the book when you open the box. Clearly his love for them hasn't decreased

Thank you so much for this beautiful video! As a queer woman who wants to adopt in the future, this video is immensely wonderful and reassuring ❤️

Enjoyed this video a lot and such great advice and it is so different and sorting out your roles. It’s so good he can sign as well but I love you both and now even more now you’re three and just enjoy all your videos. Thank you so much for sharing and bringing up all the topics and like you said communication is key, and great video

I thank you for this Jessica, it also helps me a bit with my own issue. I didn't have a dad growing up, I had a "donor" who divorced my mum 2 weeks before she had me, and she had to raise me by herself. (She also knew I was trans before I did!) I have a step-father who met my mother when I was 12. He's my real dad, because he put all the work into raising me. DNA doesn't matter, love matters! I'm also happy to see that Rupert is an expert at learning BSL! So awesome to see/learn that concepts of sign helped him communicate better than trying to learn a frustrating spoken language. I have a friend who is deaf from birth, who taught his deaf cat ASL, it was adorable! I'm looking forward to part 2, and if I said anything wrong or bad, I apologize in advance! Much love!

A lovely video Jessica. Hope you're keeping well 😌🌿

Father is a verb!!! As is Mother!!! What you DO as a parent throughout baby's life is waaaaaay more important than any level of contribution you could make to the biological process!

1M approaching fast, we love to see it

Wish I knew you when I had a baby... Well I had my baby before you, but my family is not helpful at all, and I often feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. My mother wasn't great. I love your channel/videos. They are very helpful!! 💜💜💜

That is a really great video. Most people stop at the genetics and don’t care about what parenting is really about. Rupert’s little hand grabbing the book was such a cute scene to watch.

I watched both videos, they are so kind and uplifting

Loved this video! Thank you for posting and making my day. 😁

This was a truly amazing video and blessing!

I think it being a good idea to check in on the welfare of a friend, who is a non-birthing new parent, is also applicable to fathers in hetero relationships. As you say, the non-birthing partner will prioritise caring for a new baby and for their partner, who has just grown and birthed an entire human being, but they are going through profound practical, physical and emotional changes too. There is a tonne of research showing that involved non-birthing parents (whether biologically related to the child or not) go through many of the same hormonal changes a newly post-partum woman does. So often, though, neither new parents, nor their friends and family, acknowledge this and I think it can be even worse when gender stereotypes come into play. There is, sadly, still a pretty widespread belief that men shouldn't show "weakness," or that fathers specifically will not and should not be as emotionally affected by the arrival of a new baby as mothers. A lot of progress has been made in recent years de-stigmatising post-partum depression and stressing the importance of recognising it and getting appropriate treatment quickly. However, it's still not widely acknowledged that this is something fathers can suffer from too. So yes, always ask about the welfare of the whole family in a situation which, however wonderful and joyful, is also going to be stressful and difficult for everyone.

i've heard the term non-birthing parent used for this before! :D love your videos

What a absolutely wonderful video! Thank you for sharing your experience. 🌈❤️

I cannot lip read very well I learned today while trying to get any context on what you're saying while in the green jacket

Such a sweet video! And your hair is adorable!

Hey Jessica my love! NEVER underestimate the value of providing snacks!!

Jessica is such a beautiful and graceful soul, her personality is incredible. Congratulations on becoming a mother!

Thank you SO MUCH for this video!! My partner is pregnant at the moment and I’ve been so worried this whole pregnancy so far about what my role as the non bio mom will be. I’d love to have someone closer to me to share this experience with but I don’t have anyone at the moment and this has helped remind me that I’m not alone ♥️

I feel like we could draw a pretty interesting parallel between the experience of a non-bio parent and how the non-pregnant parent is treated in general. If you think about how cis het fathers are so actively separated from the experience of expecting and adjusting to life with a baby. They're often excluded from the baby shower for instance, or have to leave the hospital at some point (mainly during COVID, not sure what it's like in normal times) and the often significantly shorter postnatal leave they're granted means they're separated even moreso from their bonding period with their baby. The cis mother's transformation is treated with a lot more care than the cis father, much like how non-bio parents are made to feel like their identity and their lives haven't drastically changed as they become parents like their partners have. (Unsure if I'm making sense, as someone who doesn't have, or intend to have children, I'm just thinking out loud I guess 🤷‍♀️)

@PrincessLioness

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I feel like the differences need to be acknowledged. A lot of people like to downplay just how stressful and damaging pregnancy can be on the body. Not mention postpartum depression. Giving birth is medical procedure and should be treated as such. I feel like people treat it too lightly because it’s “just normal”.

@icarusgotooclose

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I agree that it's a serious problem for men too. What is with the baby shower thing? Why would you not have the father there? So strange. But a caveat that it makes sense for post partum leave to be longer for the parent who gave birth since it is serving double duty. It is a combination of parental leave and medical leave since giving birth is very physically taxing and takes a while to recover from (even longer if you had birth complications or a c section). You are also recovering from pregnancy which is physically traumatic even without birth. Some countries are now making parental leave the same regardless of who gave birth and having a separate amount of time dedicated for post birth recovery.

I´ve recently become OBSESSED with your content!! I love you (and Claudia ofc)! I am such a big fan of your mindset!! It gives me so much hope for myself and future relationships! I struggle with some mental issues and always doubted that its possible to live in a happy and healthy relationship where one partner has "special needs" (sorry, idk how to rephrase that properly. I'm german) But seeing you live your best life and dealing with things in such a graceful way and always managing to find some happiness (at least so it seems) gives me so much hope and energy to go on!!! Also seeing you guys living my dream of a lesbian family makes me sooooo happy! I always felt like it's "not a real family" if its 2 women (internalized homophobia I guess). But seeing you normalize it brings me so much joy!!! i just love you guys. I wish I could give you both a big hug and thank you personally for what you did for me: you made me accept myself and honor my gayness and be ok with bringing mental issues into a relationship

Just wanted to pop in to say that this dress color is so flattering on you!!

It's great to hear you sound so accepting about your conflicting/complicated feelings. For context I'm a transracial/out of country adoptee, there is no way to figure out who my egg and sperm donor are (aka biological parents). You're completely right in saying that the kids with nonbiological parent(s) consider the people who emotionally and physically care for them to be their "real" parent(s). But as a warning (that you've probably thought of) is that other children will probably be confused as well as the parent(s) of the confused children, leading him to get some invasive/insensitive questions. Of course when/if that happens who knows how he will respond, buy at the very least just don't be surprised or taken aback when/if he comes back from the first day of daycare/pre-school and has questions or mentions how other kids may have reacted when he describes what is his normal (in relation to parents). And when asking questions or making comments he may be so young that it's difficult for him to describe the full scope of his feelings/emotions, so just as reassurance, if it comes of (or even is) him feeling negative towards his situation, I'd reccomend not taking it too personally, after all he still considered you his parents. No idea if you'll read this, as I'm not a typical commenter, hope this helps for those toddler/elementary school years

I’ve pretty much raised my sister for most of her life. She has been in my care for almost 2 years and she is now a 17 year old teen who has always came to me when she needed something. I’m the one she came to when she needed to talk about private teenage stuff cuz our mom and her dad were not capable of really helping her. My mom has some mental and physical problems that make it hard for her to be a parent without guidance and her father has cancer that has spread out through his whole body so I had to be the one to step up. I love my sister and being her guardian was an easy decision for me to make😊💖

Like you stated LOVE IS LOVE!!! A child just needs to be cleaned, fed and loved! They need a safe gentle enviroment knowing that their parents will always be there for them. That part really isn't hard. Starting a family is always an adventure. All parents feel the "am I the third wheel" feelings. Thank you for sharing all this and how you feel about it all. I'm sure there are others that will take comfort in your words. You are lovely! Huggs and be well!!

I love this, it’s such a testament that no matter how your family starts, whether there are two dads two moms or one of each, it’s all the same. Children just want love, and they will develop a unique relationship with each parent, who will be the only one that can meet that unique need. My children are all grown now, we had a playful relationship at times and I giggle at imagining if I could have played the game of “go ask your mother” 😂❤

Amazing video, very educational! Also amazing advice that can be useful for every parent and family! Impressive!

I plan to adopt in the future, wether I have a partner or not and this video is super helpful and gives me good insight. Thank you for sharing your tips and wonderful family with us!