to all you younger people. listen to this Lady . oh how i wish i heard her words 50 years ago. she knows her stuff . learn who you are and Why you are that way . this is priceless information. thank you Doctor. you are truly helping a whole generation 👍🏼

@DoctorRamani

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words!

@heyoldman2003

Жыл бұрын

@@DoctorRamani they are all TRUE 😊

@marysullivan1815

Жыл бұрын

I think the😃Pakistan man is better called Bashir

@angiehayes7397

Жыл бұрын

Right on my friend!! Been married 31yrs, but his true 😈 came out 12 years ago. Never saw it coming,,,but there were signs, I just didn't know then what I now know. Thank you Dr. Ramani

@gemgem5401

Жыл бұрын

Accuracy 💯 am listening her from Turkey.She is even touching lives of people in middle east

"It can be soul destroying to keep forgiving a narcissist... Only to have them keep repeating their transgressions." Well put!

@natashawiley

Жыл бұрын

They never heal you they wound you

@DanielSRosehill

Жыл бұрын

@@natashawiley Sadly they also rarely heal themselves!

@juliarust8250

Жыл бұрын

@@natashawiley how true

@thatveganlesbian

Жыл бұрын

Yup

@pattypohlit7803

Жыл бұрын

Yes well put this story I lived over again 😃 to accept unwanted and ghost, it never defined my personality Until this past year has been unbelievable unbelievable heartbreaking

Everything good about you makes you vulnerable to a narcissist. Your empathy and kindness. Your happiness. Your money. Everything you don’t want to give up.

@roserowley911

Жыл бұрын

I really grateful of your work too, really helped me out of a very dark place after a horrible discard

@ParadiseLoading

Жыл бұрын

This is spot on!

@ebony41441

Жыл бұрын

They want your soul too!

@gigibtsurvivor3348

Жыл бұрын

All shiny objects attract crows and parasites only choose the healthiest of hosts.

@nath1284

Жыл бұрын

Bang on. They want all of the good stuff until they have bled you dry and there's nothing left to give. You end up being a mere shadow of yourself and have to start from scratch rebuilding yourself from the ground up if you are not able to see it and get out. Please reader if you are in a relationship and all of this hits home for you get the hell out. I stayed for 10 years and it almost entirely destroyed me. We had a child and he is using that fact to try to destroy me still - 8 years since I ended it. Save yourselves! 🙏❤️

Quick Summary: 1. Wanting to be wanted 2. Being Forgiving 3. Empathic Reversal 4. Being Loyal

@nmariejenkins2041

Жыл бұрын

Wanting to be wanted was what. Messed me over for so long. After all, what mother wouldn’t want their kid? Mine, that’s who.

@yukio_saito

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for summarizing

@mariomontessori2129

Жыл бұрын

Thank you. I was looking to write it down myself. Going back to what we've watched and summing it up is really useful. It consolidates what we've just learned and useful for future reference. Oops... long reply. Love and peace

@theteeshirtman

Жыл бұрын

​@@nmariejenkins2041you are not alone

@deegir3354

Жыл бұрын

THANK YOU!! you are my hero this morning.

My biggest mistake, I found him attractive despite him showing disgusting and unfit. I regarded him as more than myself. I adapted to his demands and expectations. I couldn’t believe the red flags, I couldn’t even know that I was trained since childhood to adapt and accept humiliation and manipulation. I grieve my life.

@deannawanzo7629

Жыл бұрын

I feel your pain. And I'm so sorry you feel it too. 💔

@MegaSunflowerz

Жыл бұрын

Exactly the same for me! I greive that little girl who tried and tried to have love and acceptance. Being invisable and manipulated from childhood. The need to be seen and loved. Feeling like I was inconvenienting my family for existing!

@cindyhalik3620

Жыл бұрын

You already admit your childhood to current reasons for falling for the narc. Now with your self awareness, get away from that person NO CONTACT. God will give you strength to do that and free you from this

Forgiving yourself for allowing others to mistreat you is the best gift you could have!

A wise person told me:" forgive that person, but get the hell away from them so they can't do it again." Forgiveness is about me.... not them!. ❤ and light ❤ ✨ 💛 💖

@derindasmith7449

Жыл бұрын

It's almost my whole family! I'm grateful for intimate relationships outside my immediate family. My "soul 👪 " is so much more healthy from the family I was raised. Love ❤ and light ❤ ✨ 💛

@MeloraCarabas

Жыл бұрын

That is just letting go. Don't let people confuse you into changing the real meanings of words.

@derindasmith7449

Жыл бұрын

It was my narcissistic father's wise advice... works for me. Lol

@JB48632pointfour

Жыл бұрын

Get the hell away from them and THEN forgive them in your own way and at your own pace. I’m not going to spend expend any more energy trying to forgive that person, if I honestly don’t think I should. Some things should not be forgiven. Forgiveness is ideal and many times a path to healing, but I also think forgiving the narcissist is a path to more trauma. Forgiveness can be helpful, but it can also be very toxic.

@JB48632pointfour

Жыл бұрын

@@derindasmith7449 I know your pain.

My Narc mother sat on her throne and triangulated her 5 kids and pitted us against each other. She'd sit back and say, "why do you kids fight so much"? She destroyed all the sibling relationships. We were treated as her servants to satisfy every whim that popped into her head. We all competed for her love and approval. It never happened and it was never enough! After 60yrs of mental manipulation I finally walked away and I'm finally FREE! Thank you Dr. R, you helped me see it all very clearly

@Feribrat99

Жыл бұрын

welcome to the club, much of a same mirror for my upbringing. I kind of knew at about 7 years old that I was not part of the family and I was on my own to survive. Mom was special alright, dad let her do it. Siblings were ruined and the drama continues to this very day if I was to contact them, which I will never do again. divorced them all as family about 20 years ago, last efforts when mom died, but it sucked and I will never bother to do it again. Their kids pretty much suck too, so my family is gone to me, but I am sooo okay with that verses what it was before. I am free !!

@ceilconstante640

Жыл бұрын

My Mom did that too. But she treated my older sister as her little buddy and me as a servant.

@northofyou33

Жыл бұрын

My mother was exactly the same. And then of course I married one, and was loyal and empathic to him. Never heard anything about narcissism until I left my husband. Now my life makes sense, but do I ever wish I had known about this decades ago. What a different life I would have led!

@mday3821

Жыл бұрын

My mother did the same except my brother was the golden child. Didn't learn all this until after she passed. I wish I knew this in my 20's or 30's I would of had a different life.

@kellilien1736

Жыл бұрын

I have very similar story. I sought out counseling nearly a dozen times over two decades. I am nearly free but not quite there yet.

The biggest suspense in life is that, you don't know who's PRAYING and who's PLAYING with you!

@melodyal3357

Жыл бұрын

👌👏👌👌

Some of us we're willing to eat lies, just because our hearts are hungry. Excellent video Dr. Ramani. Exactly my case. Thank you for being so helpful. (• ̮•)

@sweetpea17

Жыл бұрын

Are hearts are hungry... Very good phrase. Says it all.

@neferov

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. Hate the ex-narc, but the loneliness sometimes makes me wish, even if only for a second, to have someone initimate with me. Even if it is her.

@marysullivan1815

Жыл бұрын

But on u tube a Mr Bashir is passionate about narcissism

@ms.newcomerteacher6554

Жыл бұрын

That's good

@menotyou6254

Жыл бұрын

Whoa that was powerful we’re willing to eat the lies just because our hearts are hungry not realizing it’s GMO cancer-causing food thank you for that quote so powerful thank you what a great community doctor R is great I like the fact that I feel safe enough to voice opinions here I haven’t been able to do that for a decade.

I mistook this ’desire’ for love.😢 It’s excruciating to unpick through the devastation a relationship with a narcissist leaves. In hindsight I left myself sooooo vulnerable, my boundaries where virtually none existent. NEVER, NEVER again!

@elmaswanepoel1598

Жыл бұрын

Same here

@Nanukie

Жыл бұрын

Wow ! Girl. That was the most well put way that I have heard anyone put this garbage experience. Short, yet very powerful & right to the point from the first hook to the "unpicking", as you say, of the narc mess they left behind inside & outside of us. Just resonated with me. Blessings on your journey of "you" celebrating you....

@Nanukie

Жыл бұрын

I meant GH. Need new glasses

@jackieroberts347

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same way. Living with a nacassist for 52 years sent I was 12. And married he I'm at 14. I don't ever want a relationship with any person. I've been railroaded by family, friend's, my children, 😮until I'm just exhausted. The pass seven years have been a relief sense my Husbands death. I'm so thankful for Dr ramami

@lisavaritek2308

Жыл бұрын

Same here!! It’s like they don’t give a crap about how you feel!! Going through this for over a year now. Trying to let go and I get sucked right back in!!!

If you're _truly_ ready for a genuinely healthy relationship, another person idealizing or "obsessing" over you will come across as "needy." You'll feel it and see it miles away. Whatever you do, do NOT put yourself in a position where you're responsible for someone else's happiness. You'll never live up to their expectations and it all becomes an insatiable, toxic black hole that will eventually destroy you.

@tammyfitzgerald5336

Жыл бұрын

🙏🏽💯💣

This was me as I was so shy and insecure growing up, and had no dating experience, not knowing my worth and value, nor seen or heard by my family and wanting to be ‘normal’ and have a boyfriend. I also had close friends and family criticize me a lot, sometimes making fun of my looks, so I wanted to be attractive and wanted for sure. So the narcs I dated definitely played on this vulnerability. Thank you for this. A good reminder to be self aware. ❤

@psych4u129

Жыл бұрын

absolutely spot on. It's all down to our level of self worth who we attract. Sending love and luck to you ♥

@sapereaude5560

Жыл бұрын

Same here

@HahaT634

Жыл бұрын

Same here. You’re not alone.

@peggywheeler5118

Жыл бұрын

❤

@jasminroushdy7917

Жыл бұрын

Exactly what happened to me 😑

Here's the effing story. Dr. Ramani, like many other KZread creators, deserves a Meritorious Service Award from the APA, KZread or someone more capable than I am as a graphic designer, for the way she illuminates the reality of living w/ a narcissist. Despite years of therapy, until I found this channel, I possessed neither the language nor the basic conceptual framework to understand the debilitating dyad w/ a family member w/ whom I was trapped - a relationship that destroyed every part of my psyche. Truly, until I stumbled onto my first video, I didn't possess the ability to understand my experience. Her videos transformed my understanding. For those who think KZread is a forum for medical grifters and nonsense, nothing could be further from the truth. Dr. Ramani, I salute you for providing such illumination to a far greater number of people than you could ever have reached w/o this platform. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

@lennie1703

Жыл бұрын

AMEN TO THAT!! There aren't enough ways to thank her properly. She's so brainy but completely compassionate and involved. It's been difficult to acknowledge all the pain and emotional baggage and work a path through but Dr Ramani keeps me at it. So supportive ♥.

@jemgonzalez

10 ай бұрын

I know exactly how you feel! Dr. Ramani has clarified so much for me, too.

Being starved for love and attention from parents is the perfect set up to attract anyone that will show you attention. My 2 sisters and I were all married 3 times. Yet my parents have yet to look in the mirror and just maybe think that our childhoods may have played a part. We were physically and emotionally abused Father abused physically and mother abused emotionally. I just divorced after 30 years of narcissistic mayhem. Never an apology for anything nor any change Hoovered me back more than once with promise of change. Parents still the same way. Never an apology for rudeness or hateful behavior. I don’t even bother with them much anymore. Nor my sisters as I was always made to “be the bigger person” with them also by my parents. Moved to another county and am healing slowly with counseling and time to reflect. Thank you Doc for all your help. You have taught me so much. My counselor listens to you now too. ❤

@ghs9725

Жыл бұрын

Ohhh this was done by my family starved of love and attention

@claireburkus8497

Жыл бұрын

Same thing here….what a loss of life for all of us..We are now 88,85 and me, 75 what a different life it would have been for us and even our children if narcissism was a known personality and not merely a Disney mean character !!! So thankful to Dr. R and others who have blazed a trail of knowledge for future generations!’❤

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@claireburkus8497 yes. And still adult siblings sadly ignore all this information

I'm older. My fly trap got filled up. Don't intend to open the door with being over- empathetic ... anymore. I think in the past, my empathy for the helpless ( or so I thought) was actually for myself in my childhood ( helpless and confused ). I'll still have empathy, but adjusted with skepticism and an awareness of red flags. Balance is everything.

As someone who grew up with narcissistic parents, my mind was subconsciously wired to avoid people who are like them. My parents are the blueprint. Whenever I talk to narcissists (even before knowing that word to describe them), I get this gut feeling that makes me uneasy. Listening to it helped me not fall to any kind of love bombing. The moment I do that, that I become uninteresting to the narcissist, that I don't become their target, they will move on to their next victim. They will try so hard to tug on to your heartstrings to pity or be proud of them (depends of what kind of narcissist you're talking to) and it's honestly textbook behaviour.

@p.w.352

Жыл бұрын

I know that's not the case with many growing up in families with narcissistic parents and siblings, but I am the same as you. The minute I get that feeling I think, no, I already have a sister like that in my life, I don't need more of that. And you know how people say that women marry their dad? Not me, I steered clear of men with his personality type. I think it's because I have a strong flight instinct. I was always the one to hide when my dad went into a rage.

@ebony41441

Жыл бұрын

The ones I know were very kind and doing things for other people. Talk about covert

@joshuaanzalone2060

Жыл бұрын

Leeroy yes they all run off the same playbook and when I get around narcs,like you said I feel uneasy,especially all the questions they ask. Now I avoid narcs at all costs.

@nath1284

Жыл бұрын

Leeroy that's awesome to hear that you trust your instincts and listen to your body. It is a very accurate warning system and I wish I'd learned to trust mine too. All the invalidation had knocked it out of me but I'm healing now and finally listen to my inner wisdom. More power to you! 💪

@marysullivan1815

Жыл бұрын

They are monsters can't love their children or anyone . They just use and abuse everyone

There's no such thing as too good or bad for a narcissist. If you give them supply- you give them supply. They don't care how or why it comes or came from.

Thank you for addressing the issue of forgiveness. I find too many people are attaching a false religious requirement of unconditional forgiveness to everything. That in and of itself is abusive. I refuse to be a doormat.

@imalrockme

Жыл бұрын

Exactly.

@DonnaMarie414

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for addressing this. My daughter lost all her church "friends" when she left her narc husband. Some churches treat you like divorce is the unforgivable sin.

@evettabush3435

Жыл бұрын

Yes, so true.

@jamiezuzu7326

Жыл бұрын

Yea my parents are fundamentalist and my dad’s narcissistic and my moms like a child with that crap… she’s always talking about me having bitterness just for being upset with someone or something

@JohnAllenRoyce

Жыл бұрын

Jesus spoke of forgiveness but also cautioned not to cast your pearls before swine. He said to forgive when the offender repents and asks for forgiveness ... I've never known a virulent narcissist to do either. It's a struggle and we're learning.

Narcissists are attracted to lonely people. You can be alone without feeling lonely or needy. Value you own company. It is better to be alone than with toxic people. Seek healthy relationships and ways to spend your time,

I have, too often, described myself as "loyal to a fault." Looking back, in each business and personal relationship where I've said this of myself, I was taken advantage of by a narcissist discovered too late.. Time for me to learn self-empathy, self-love.

@donreitmeyer1966

Жыл бұрын

100% accurate. I say the same of myself. Loyal to a fault and no boundaries. I'm a people pleaser

@paulcarey191

9 ай бұрын

yep..

Years of therapy i kept denying that my husband is narcissist and he is the cause of my suffering because i don't want to think bad about the person i love

I left a spiritual community that overuse "forgiveness." It's harmful to recovering from toxic relationships. They don't understand toxic dynamics and they just don't want to see the reality.

Man this is soooo true. If I would have undrstood this decades ago, my life would have looked different.

@Kathleen5429

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same way but I’d like to believe that my life would have been so different. Way back then, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was.

@Feribrat99

Жыл бұрын

Ah yes, 20 20 hindsight. Naw it may not have been all that different, in small ways but unless you healed yourself you would have made many of the same choices, education is the answer and it is hard to homeschool yourself..

@natashawiley

Жыл бұрын

Yes where was the algorithm then

@melodyal3357

Жыл бұрын

Exactly eeexactly what I feel too.

This was soooooooo ME from my early teens to mid 30's!!! I bent over backwards to make myself "indispensable " to ppl. It was sooo exhausting and made me put up with some really crappy behavior in order to preserve my warped belief that I was "wanted & needed". Thankfully that is absolutely NOT the case anymore.

@KK-ri2gu

Жыл бұрын

Yep yep yep 👍👍👍 live and learn God bless 🙏🙏🙏💓💓💓

@ShellLeeann

11 ай бұрын

Same, I'm 37 and I'm just sick of it.

I'm a therapist and survivor of narcissistic parenting growing up. I cannot commend Dr Ramani enough for these resources. It's a rare gift to hear such insights about forgiveness. It's a rare and refreshing perspective that I wholeheartedly agree with. Forgiveness so often curtails the ability to recover healthy anger and healing

This is so common for many and sadly the people who fall into it don’t see the personality behind the charm.. that eventually gets turned around.

@KK-ri2gu

Жыл бұрын

Sooooo sooooo sooooo true true true the TRUTH 💯

Yep, scapegoat of narc mother. She went to the end of the world to destroy me and another sibling out of the group of kids. I now know its because we called out the crap. My sibling lives under a bridge. We grew up in upper middle class, cushy life. Mom spent all the money on herself. We didn't have adequate clothing and went to friends homes in order to eat. It was so horrifying, the violence and sexual abuse. My siblings pulled knives at 8, 9 years. It was a horrifying haunted house with people constantly screaming, crying, running away, begging for love, food anything. No one ever intervened despite the obvious outward signs. The two men ive spent the last 13 years with are both narcissists - yet both men are different. The commonality is they are both just like my mother.

@brigitte9999

Жыл бұрын

Wow! It’s amazing you have overcome that crazy making hellhole. I had some similar experiences with my mother but she’s covert and hid her worst behavior from others. I was the only one targeted because I was the only daughter. I remembered how she proudly would tell of my father spending their last $300 on a outfit for her. This was in the early 1960’s and she had 5 children. That’s probably so romantic for a narcissist, who knows! She tried to ruin me my whole life. I walked away with everyone believing I’m the awful one.

@user-ge6uo2ry2b

Жыл бұрын

@@brigitte9999 that is awful yet I know exactly what’s that’s about as the only daughter and spending all the family money to make her look good. I recently went low to no contact. I’m sorry for you and the pain you’ve endured. Keep doing you. ❤❤❤❤

@amarbyrd2520

Жыл бұрын

"No one ever intervened despite the obvious outward signs." THIS is the worst part. THIS is why it's so hard for victims & survivors to get help.

@maevebutler4641

Жыл бұрын

@a Sending best wishes for your healing So glad you found DrRamini's you tube channel and you are a part of this amazing community You have survived through some horrendous experiences !!

@user-ge6uo2ry2b

Жыл бұрын

@@maevebutler4641

The lovebombing then breadcrumbing is very addictive. But I only seem to see it once they start breadcrumbing. Detaching can feel excruciating. But I’ve done it every time in dating, but not in friendships. I was overly needy as a friend. Thinking their cruel judgements, jealous slander etc was protecting me, bc my parents did this 🤦🏾‍♀️

Sumtimes that can draw your energy if the person wants to call 📞 you every day then you realize 😉 the person is draining your energy

@kimberlyfowler5748

4 ай бұрын

That turned out to be a big warning sign to me, the every day phone calls

My childhood was horrible. It wasn't until 2022 I knew what a narcissist is. Growing up I got straight A's. It was the only moment my mom would act like I did anything right. I took excelled classes and graduated in top 20% of my class. Fast-forward 9 years post high school and I met my narcissist and married him 2 years later. I wasn't even attracted to him the 1st time I met him. He was over confident, funny, and He was so into me even to the point of stalking that I excused so much of the red flags because I had been single for 3 years and felt wanted that bad for my 1st time as an adult. I remember last year at this time. He had gaslighted me and said sorry. I told him I was tired of forgiving him. He said, but I said sorry. I asked oh because you said it, it's ok? He actually said yeah

@aarzoovirmani1211

Жыл бұрын

I think I'm in the very same situation as yours. I sadly spilt all of my hardest to my Narc in an emotional argument. He is only wanting to guilt trip me, I gotta stay strong. Your advice would be encouraged.

@Ann-pn9or

Жыл бұрын

Love means never having to say your sorry.....that was my narc for 33 years...

@halo9lady

Жыл бұрын

I’m same as you on the two main points! Near straight A’s, AP classes, only time I was the star and loved and seen in the whole family…2 times a year when report cards came out. The last ex, the very worst Narc I’ve been with, I had been single for 3 years and he comes rushing in adoring me and wanting to take me to lunch everyday. I was annoyed with him most of our first date, and mostly bored, and there were red flags… I still don’t quite understand how quickly he wrapped me around his finger…

@hadilayyad6147

Жыл бұрын

My exact story, my narc husband was my first, I never dated. Everyday is hell with 3 very young kids in the mix too.

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

Жыл бұрын

@@hadilayyad6147 deep compassion to you. I hope you find freedom. Read Steps to Freedom by Don Hennessy. It will give you some freedom in your mind. I tell everyone cover this book make it look like a notebook. Take care. Don Hennessy is a very clear advocate for women experiencing intimate partner abuse. He said do not put too much thought into the label. But know 3 things. The abuse. 1. It is not your fault. 2. He knows exactly what he is doing. 3. His behaviour is beyond belief.

This explains my behavior and how I got entangled with my first husband who was extremely abusive to myself and my son. Wish I was aware at that young age. Could have avoided so much pain.

I'm like a magnet for narcissists. The only thing that's good about it is it's proof I'm empathic. Other than that, it's hell.

@supermarioisacat

Жыл бұрын

Devote yourself to becoming a "healed" empath. And whatever you do, do not EVER openly advertise as being one. EVER. Protect yourself. These days, just walking around with a smile and a positive attitude attracts narcs like moths to a porch light. Stay centered, positive and flexible but also VERY cautious.

@SwedishTourist

Жыл бұрын

@@supermarioisacat Thanks :) I’ll read more into healing as an empath.

Morning everyone They never say what they mean or mean what they say

The "lots of empathy out, no empathy in" is so true. Thought about that just today. Why don't I really love myself, show empathy to myself as I do to others? Yes I do feel it easier to give empathy, but I now want empathy back or even more I want to feel empathy for myself.

@KK-ri2gu

Жыл бұрын

True charity begins at HOME ☺️☺️☺️

I am in a situation now where I’ve been caring for my 90 year old, narcissistic, or at least borderline narcissistic mother. I was the black sheep, also the truth teller and the youngest. I’m very empathetic and my heart is breaking. Not only has my mother never admitted or apologized for how she hurt me so severely throughout my life, but now she is likely dying and I’m the only one here caring for her (while my other 4 siblings haven’t come to help), but my mom still calls / texts them to try and turn them against me, just so she can try and get sympathy and pity. Her husband passed away a few months ago and I’ve been taking care of her since. It’s maddening and I struggle with love, guilt, anger, etc. No matter what I do it isn’t enough and it’s obvious she’s rather her favorite child be here taking care of her. This whole situation is breaking my heart. People tell me to take care of myself tho I’m not quite sure how to do that!!

@cassandres4965

7 ай бұрын

When you’ve been brainwashed as victims of narcissism have been, taking proper care of yourself feels criminal. Your siblings are taking advantage of you. You must be “cruel” in return. Send a text/email to them and your mother announcing that you will not be taking care any longer past a certain date. Remind them regularly that the date is approaching. Then adhere to it. The guilt you will feel will be unbearable. You will get through it

It’s no wonder I wanted to be wanted as my narcissistic mother repeatedly drilled into my head this: “I hate your guts and wish you had never been born”. It’s taken me a half a century to fully understand how that relationship set my life in motion as it did, placing myself into a 35 year relationship with monster narcissist.

@carrieallen2047

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry . My mother didn't verbally abuse me but, she was an alcoholic and never paid me any real attention. I remember once overhearing my dad telling her she was gonna go to my dance recital and out to eat and wait til after to drink. I reremember how painful that was to me at 14. Later I got into a marriage with a full blown sociopath.

@megfuchs9425

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry you had a mother who said those things to you! It makes me sick to know people like this have children, when there are people who would be wonderful parents are not able to conceive!

@ShellLeeann

11 ай бұрын

Same here. My mom tried to get me to stay in a abusive relationship because she said I'm too dramatic.

Enlightening. Spot on. This explains so much about my 25+ marriage to an extreme covert narcissist. I overlooked all the red flags because of my initial overwhelming desire to be wanted.

@terryworley1363

Жыл бұрын

Same here. 25+years of hell…

@clrify

Жыл бұрын

I’m going on 22 years…😖…had him move out 1.5 years ago and he’s now alienating my 18 & 21 year old while trying to live bomb me back…emotionally bribing me now…let him back and I have a relationship with the kids…don’t let him back and the kids want nothing to do with me (because “I haven’t forgiven their apologetic dad”) 😭

Haha yes this is some of my family members, overvaluing ‘forgiving’ in terms of just letting the repeat offender continual abuse as they value being/looking like a ‘good forgiving person’ no matter the cost to them or me. Messed up. I’m told I’m a bad person because I don’t want to be close friends to the repeat abusers in my family who’ve repeatedly and unapologetically caused me serious harm and stress. It’s not ok. I’d rather keep my healthy boundaries for my well being. Thank you 🙏

Listening to this lady and not noticing the duping delight oozing out of every word.

Thank you so much for all of your videos. I often hear you talk about when the narcissist wants to control who we see or where we go etc. In my case, my husband really never cared what I do and never has. Over the last 30 + years I have said repeatedly that “he’s the best husband ever because he lets me do whatever I want.” But now I realize he just didn’t want to do anything with me so I did everything with our 4 sons without their dad participating. Can you talk about this in one of your videos please.

DOC. I OWE YOU MY LIFE. AND SO MY CHILDREN DO. LOVE YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE OUR HERO.💖💗

I was married to a narc for 35 miserable years. The mental and emotional abuse was worse than the physical abuse. He controlled my every move and was so manipulative. I'm also an introvert which worked great for him. Our eldest daughter is a narc also. I've been her victim for years, allowed it to see my grandkids, which wasn't often. I love them dearly but recently cut her off.

@KK-ri2gu

Жыл бұрын

Well-done no choice you deserve better they are the loser stay strong God bless 💖💖💖👍👍👍

@Nanukie

Жыл бұрын

Linda Light, my heart goes out to you from a another person just like you in a bit of a different way. Narc mother & sister. Kept contact with Nsister to have access to my very cherished niece & nephew. Then occassionally text now to get pics of my 2 grand nephews & 1 grand niece. She has successfully kept me apart from everyone. I have never met my grands although I love them from afar with painful longing. Niece & nephew I lived & helped raised no longer return my texts or call. God knows what smear campaign was told about me ! My God ! They NEVER stop. blessings & i wish for your inner peace from my heart to yours. We are all kindred spirits here. Love Nancy

@lindalight7376

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words Nanukie and kk. I'm sorry for what we victim's have to go through. The worst thing about it is, it's our loved ones that are doing it to us. It's so heartbreaking. But... chin up and move forward, right 👍

@melodyal3357

Жыл бұрын

Praying for you, family issues are the hardest to heal from and to cut them off. Especially when children and grandchildren are involved, uuffff.. Stay strong pls!🙏

Through learning from you and a couple of other you tuber psychologists, I feel I have gained almost PHD level knowledge of narcissism. I wish I knew even a fraction of this information prior to my 30+ year marriage to a narcissist! He cheated while I'm fighting stage 4 cancer and I'm now divorcing him.One of my biggest concerns is falling into another narcissisticly abusive relationship. Logically I don't think that will happen because I am so much more aware of the characteristics now, but the flip side is what if I'm so on guard that I see red flags where there are none. I'm very guarded now. Decades of narcissistic abuse really does a number on a person.

@Monipenny1000

Жыл бұрын

What I am learning to help me navigate people is to pay close attention to how I am feeling, that feeling within myself, the gut feeling you get when interacting with someone. Pay particular attention to it especially with new relationships.

@monicaramirez51015

Жыл бұрын

@@Monipenny1000❤yes that gut intuitive inner feeling ❤PAY ATTENTION TO THIS KNOWING FEELING!!!!!

@melodyal3357

Жыл бұрын

@@Monipenny1000 👏💯 That actually never lies. It's the absolute key. I am smarter in this matter than I was when I was younger and more naive.

@melodyal3357

Жыл бұрын

I hope you will get better and better.🙏🍀 Narcissists are themselves the cancer and poison, but ironically they made us ill- in any way, taking our life energy and consequences are both mental and physical problems. I pray for you to heal!🙏🍀

@jemgonzalez

10 ай бұрын

I can relate with how you feel about wishing I had known this--20 years ago. I'm sorry to hear about your cancer. You sound like you've got a lot of strength, and I hope the very best for you.

They also view forgiveness as owed to them, along with apologies. It is just what they believe is genuinely owed to them.

My father said to me I wasn’t wanted the youngest of 5 and the 4th girl even said he wished I wasn’t born because I was a financial burden. I was running a marathon and I needed him to drop me off when he encountered barricades he dumped me off more than 2 miles from the starting line. I was doing a full marathon and it was starting soon so I had to run extra miles. He didn’t stay to watch or cheer on. I was given validation from my dear sweet mom who loved me extra to make up for him. 😢

06:50 "They weren't even all that, but how into me they were is what turned my head." OOF. Yes to this! That really resonated! Thank you for this. I've had lots of lightbulb moments in the 8 years since leaving my narcissist, but that was a big one!

I feel like I’m working on correcting my ‘empathic reversal’ and it’s weird with the good kind people who don’t require it and give some care and empathy back. It’s like it’s foreign to me and I don’t quite know what to do with it or how not to be over giving and over caring. Learning to receive and not over give. And to be kind to myself. Thank you ❤

Lying, violating boundaries, & gaslighting by those who claim to be Christian has caused me to see through the illusions created through projections intended to blame another in order to hide their own misdeeds. Interesting mind games. I believe in forgiveness but never again tolerating abuse., nor being lured in to gratify their destructive desires.

@TorahisthetruthPsalms

Жыл бұрын

Christianity is the narcissist wet dream religion. They get to cast their son onto a innocent.

This is so so true, and hits home. Healing my inner child so SHE can feel so wanted, and not have that excess need to be desired. It makes it much easier to notice red flags now, AND those lovely, nice, comforting green flags. Those are starting to feel lovely too 💚

For myself I would say that I would change the phrase “wanting to be wanted” to “needing to be loved.” I never felt seen or accepted by my mother. It created a huge huge hole in me. Thanks to lots of therapy and other things that hole has gotten much smaller. Thank you so much for this one Dr. Ramani.

@t1sg

8 ай бұрын

My mother defined me to her liking/storyline. The idea of me defining myself was never discussed. When I got older and started to individuate, I was disowned/thrown out of the house. So sad.

They look at us as foreigners. It's like damn we are just normal human beings. But I guess they are so intrigued by us especially in the town I'm in. Because I have yet to come across any true empaths in this town.

I was young, naive, introverted and inexperienced, and I believed him when he claimed to love me. I couldn't get rid of him, and being young, was trapped by pregnancy. Then the games began. I was separated from my family, and tangled with his, far away. I'm out now, and I am delighted to be the b***h, and living my best life. Initially, I was afraid, but my life became much better. My mom told me the best revenge is living well. It's true.

This is for the first time in my life when I heard forgiving narcissistic person is wrong. I have a narcissistic mother whom I kept forgiving because I wanted to do the right thing and, exactly as you say, things got so much worse, she kept lying and twisting things around so I was the bad one, and the more love I put into that relationship, the worse it got. Now I am going to go no contact, no matter what people say. And, to me, you are the most amazing therapist ever😊😊😊😊😊

I am very empathetic, and my mother is not. She actually says to me. Oh here she goes again. She’s gonna cry. She makes fun of me when I cry.

@Meerkat618

Жыл бұрын

I would cry during movies, and my mom was like why are you crying it’s just a movie!

This reminds me of the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. The tree gives all of itself piece by piece to the boy out of love and the desire to make him happy. The boy gives nothing in return, and at the end, the tree is left a little stump.

Oh he’s forgiven..but like a snake bite..never forgotten

As an empath to the point my therapist calls me psychic, I’m a magnet and narcissists are iron filings! I’ve learned to spot them and immediately label them as inhuman. Whatever charm they exude is fake and I know it. I choose not to get sucked in. I’m also happy with myself and don’t need to be adored. If a relationship grows over time-as it should- then I have time to watch, test, and observe. No one can keep up the mask longer than six months. Go slow, trust your gut and pay attention to the feelings they trip and when they trip them. Say no often. Date others at the same time. Don’t buy into the myth of love at first sight.

@barbaraalden6013

10 ай бұрын

Soo well stated..kudos

The desire to be desired....for me this translate to having a need to be needed. It translated into me feeling that I'm not lovable for who I am, but for what I do. Setting boundaries then becomes very difficult, because if I don't "do" I will not be loved

Thank you very much Dr. Ramani. I recently ended three friendships with people I believe are narcissistic. Shortly after that I found your you Tube channel. It's been immensely helpful. Working out and learning to box as well as Kung Fu helps me physically and mentally. I strongly urge everyone to excercise. I've read that it has a direct and positive effect on the mind.

My ex literally came to the house today to say, “I had a revelation. We should forgive each other.” I was speechless. I needed these words.

I recently did a 3 person cleanup in my life.... Necessary and liberating!

I agree totally. Forgiveness used to be high on my list of how to heal. But with narcs it is not healthy, it is soul destroying. If you refuse to forgive, it may help you to walk away and move on and not look back, or attract others in the same pattern.

When I react to the narcissistic abuse, the narcissist usually tells me that I'm the monster and is vilifying me until things escalate into emotional torture.

@Keevus03

Жыл бұрын

I know this pain. I have been called (by the narcissist) emotionally abusive and a narcissist. He can turn any situation into my fault, me being the aggressor, and the cause of chaos. At one point, I began to second guess myself and I immediately snapped back to reality. When I won't allow him to gaslight me, he says I lack empathy, I'm selfish, lack accountability, and can't see myself. The very thing I've told him about himself, he projects onto me. He's constantly deflecting and can never give examples of his claims when asked. SmH

Sometimes it’s just a more subtle form of love bombing by engaging you through wanting to spend time with you, paying attention to little things, obviously more into you than normal. This could be friendships or intimacy. The narcissistic tells eventually come through just as subtlety as the love bombing. They are sneakier than snakes! AAAC…avoid at all cost!

@sharis3541

Жыл бұрын

All I ever needed to know, and which I sadly ignored, was a vivid dream I had one night. Someone(maybe me spoke up loud and clear: “He’s bad news. “ If I had only paid serious attention, I would have realized it was NOT just a dream, it was my own intuition. I have since learned all I can about the narcissistic abuse cycle, but above all, always, always to pay attention to my gut instincts; they have NEVER failed me ❤

Yes, true. I was Never wanted by my family and unbeknownst to me was smeared my entire life so no one valued me at all. I always felt it and was unsure until a few weeks ago when my brother confirmed it during an argument. One of my saddest days after losing my son to cancer a few years ago. I never got supported during that either

Thank you for talking about "forgiveness" Dr. Ramani. For my healing I learned to forgive bc I needed that weight of anger and resentment off my shoulders and out of my mind. It didn't mean I kept allowing the bad behavior, it meant I accepted that the person would continue being who/what they were but I did not have to be a part of them/it. Besides, I was never given an apology. The forgiveness was for me in letting go of the entitlement I felt he/she owed me because of the pain they inflicted upon me. So that those ppl were not still in my head. So that I didn't carry hate or bitterness around inside of me. TO ME, forgiveness is just letting go. I had a man tell me one time how he forgave his ex wife...... "I did forgive her.... she's still living".

@MeloraCarabas

Жыл бұрын

Forgiveness is when you absolve people of their wrongdoings. Letting go of hurt feelings is not forgiveness. People lie when they say that these things are the same. It is an enablers lie. Letting go is fine. Forgiveness must always be earned.

@SendItForward

Жыл бұрын

@@MeloraCarabas One of the last things Jesus did while alive was to make sure He forgave the people who murdered Him: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Luke 23:34.

@jennywrenn469

Жыл бұрын

@@SendItForward Yes and it is so hard to follow His example. But healing can come with forgiveness with God's grace. ❤

@SendItForward

Жыл бұрын

@@jennywrenn469 indeed. My God says if I don't forgive He won't forgive me and I know I NEEEEEEED forgiveness and His Grace and Mercy daily.

Yes therapy is essential with the right therapist but (not fluffing) because of Dr R. And these videos I have a basic understanding of the situations in my life and did not just roll up in a ball and believe I was just a failure as a human being. That's all I wanted to say. Thank you

Yup, it was because he was so into me. The difficult and important forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Cognitive dissonance - understanding why he is like that.

It's learned behavior from the parents. I was, for instance, told that I was the source of my parents' problems. I was parentified. Constantly thinking of what they wanted or needed, in the hopes of getting the love I needed as a child. I realized when I left that theirs problems only got worse. So I understood I wasn't the issue as they lead me to believe. I'm on my own and will no longer get involved with someone who can't return what I offer. It's my life lesson. This is balance and peace.

Best teaching presentation out there for looking at our empathic vulnerabilities. Thank you!❤

Wish I was fully armed with this information when I met my now ex husband. I had to end it, if I stayed with him I may possibly have ended up in a mental hospital, It has now been 4 years and I feel so happy & free that I left him I also had kids with him and even the kids are striving, it warms my heart to see my kids bubbly & happy. Anyone reading this dont think that you have to stay with a narcissist because you have kids together. Make a plan and get out it will be worse for yourself & the kids if you stay. Since I became more clued up about narcissism I give no chances I had to get rid of or at least distance myself from many narcs & toxic people I knew. Even gave up a job because I was surrounded with them. Thank you DR Ramani your videos really helped when I was on my healing journey and still do now.🙂💪

True forgiveness requires seeing everyone as God sees them, including ourselves. Let go of addiction to being seen knowing God always sees me perfectly.

I follow Dr. Ramani since 2017. The more I listen to her, the more narcissistic behaviors I find in my ex from my last relationship.

Brilliant, doc. We forget about the responsibilities of the victims. We're all just sometimes dying for a love-bomb.

I feel like this video may be the proverbial missing puzzle piece in my healing, and discernment, going forward. Brilliant, Dr. Ramani❣️ I am profoundly grateful.

Omg ty! I always put myself last and was always being accused and put down. I never saw it coming. FINALLY, I realized... When he got quiet and followed me around.... It was about to blow up. He just needed me to take care of him and his two teens and be perfect and then..... Abuse exploded. Bam!! Ugh!

@Boo-jy5ju

Жыл бұрын

It ended two hrs later, w I'm sorry, pouting out the bottom lip, do I Would FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!! Then I packed up and left. !

Narcissists are loyal, LOYAL TO CAUSING YOU PAIN....WARM HUGS ALL ....KEEP GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION...

We just blown a narc away at work. Few of us stood up to them. Thanks for the advice as a mainly empath I am proud to have not been drawn In

00:01 Your vulnerability to be wanted 13:51 Being forgiving. 24:37 Empathetic Reversal 31:20 Loyalty 🙏🏻💪🏼💪🏾Thank you 😊

Yes I'm going through this with a "forgiver" at work. She keeps asking why I can't make amends with the narcissist so we can have a pleasant rapport again. I stopped her and said, "Absolutely NOT. If I give her an inch, she will clobber it to shreds and then scream at me for not giving her two. I have to protect my sanity." Her eyes got so big and she got this excited look in her face as though nobody had ever given her permission to reject forgiveness before

My mom was a narcissist, and unfortunately my sister was the scapegoat while also developing a narcissistic personality so I grew up feeling like I had to defend her while also protecting myself from her. And my mom would always come to me to be the one to forgive because I was "so much more mature", even though I was the youngest. And now I barely want to talk to her or see her, but most of my family thinks I'm being "mean" and I'm shutting her out. Its hard being in a family that constantly expects you to forgive.

@cassandres4965

7 ай бұрын

I can definitely relate and I hope Dr Ramani does videos on this specific dynamic - where the scapegoat has narcissistic/perpetual victim tendencies as well. The scapegoat was one of my older siblings and I’m the empathetic truth teller and formerly people pleaser/peacekeeper and I constantly defended and tried to protect and help and advise the scapegoat and only later realized that that dynamic was also very damaging to me, intensified my codependent patterns and influenced me to attract other cowardly/emotionally manipulative people who had no intention of helping themselves

Absolutely wonderful informative chat.... my mother in law attacked me for 34 years, been hard but, no more, have not seen her now for a year, I decided to walk. Never had this with anyone else.... feel free! Love your hair btw, you are brilliant! Thx again for this x

@user-vy2hh3uw6n

Жыл бұрын

Cheaters cheaters cheaters liers stealers narcrrists rich poor one narcrrists

@user-vy2hh3uw6n

Жыл бұрын

Hoes hars males females ines

@user-vy2hh3uw6n

Жыл бұрын

Ones

Sorry, part 3 here :) Another thing to regarding what makes the empath vulnerable is the empath’s innermost desire to avoid hurting others. Everyone who wants to control your relationship will use this against you…they’ll test how far they can go, where your boundaries are by provoking you into being hurt but still acting nice…what makes this cruel is that the very strength of an empath lies in not wanting to do harm. We’re even taking pride in this, that we intentionally want to avoid hurting back. BUT. The miracle cure for this is when you are at the point when you can say, feel and determine that you’re okay with hurting them back. When this comes to you as dry as a boot, without the anger and hurt you could feel but at that moment of clarity you don’t - that is when you can stand up for it and start to respond to your sources of hurt accordingly, declaring that ‘ok I get that this is not what you want to experience, to hear from me, but you know what? I’ll still do this, still say this. Deal with it. ‘. That is when the narcs back off and seek for another victim to manipulate and control for the emotional sickfluid they leech out from them. Boundaries mean that your wounds are closing, you are healing, UNBOUNDING them. Most of the time they come bck nd try again, but if this is your permanent response (you can even declare to them that you used to refrain from hurting them but not anymore), so if this is your regular response, the new norm with you they either will cut the ties with you entirely, or play the submissive (don’t fall for it, they are elastic, still trying to seemingly cater to you but that’s just for keeping you close which you shouldn’t do anymore after setting the boundaries…).

🤯 I’ve only just started to listen to this, and already, you have really opened my eyes to why I have been getting sucked in! As always, thank you, Dr. Ramani! Now I will listen to the rest of this.❤

As I get older with two deceased parents, I can serve see why people join Cults, although if I had other people do my thinking for me would drive me insane.

This has been hard for me, growing up in a religious narcissist household that pushed shaming, guilting and forgiveness. Also, I've mentally blocked out most of the narcissistic stuff in my childhood, making me a super target for the narcissist parent. I recently recovered scarring memories from high school, and have no idea how many times I've been Gas lighted and abused as a child and young adult. Only recently could I even remember enough to understand what has been happening this whole time... now to forgive or forget? I don't think so

Some have overstepped boundary violations to such an extent that legal action may be the only thing that stops them. I appreciate the balancing forgiveness message that makes huge sense. Goes beyond simply gray rocking.

YES! My family member who is (at least) a malignant toxic narcissist, actually called me and begged for forgiveness, pretended to be sorry, but it was AAAAL part of the scam to push me out of the way so that a disputed inheritance could all go to her. I am poor as a result of mid-life disabilities and my family member has NO SHAME about robbing me blind - after already being robbed by someone who I susupect killed my father after changing his will when he got alzheimer's disease. She has a history of squeezing money out of whoever is in her orbit. Usually, it's a husband, but hey, if she sees an "in" with a friend who is crazy about her or a sibling or WHOEVER, she is gonna take her shot and SQUEEEEEEZE it out of the person. She's the master of the long con. And then AFTERWARDS, she manages to blame the person she sucked dry. I always tell people to follow the money. The guy left with all the marbles is NOT the victim! I am a religious person that believes in forgiveness but I have now learned to "forgive with my eyes open." I forgive but I no longer give the toxic person the opportunity to get me again. Charle Brown has walked off the field.

I started watching these videos because of family members. And then to my horror. I saw it in people I worked with and hired and dated. I know you have a video on being a magnet. I didn't. Learn for years and years and years. It makes me sad. I think I'll go watch that video. Something's got a change.

I went no contact with my family over 6 years ago and the flies swarmed (great analogy!)...I had a steady stream of friends come in that feigned being empathic, and all the while I was being bled dry of every ounce of empathy until I burnt out completely and got derailed from my own goals. I used to drop everything for narc friends - not anymore. I struggle now with being kind and empathic :( . It's taken a part of me that was approachable and warm. But this particular wound is part of a new self. I'm happy with the few healthy friendships I do have. And I hope being truly discerning now (almost suspicious) will mean my boundaries are stronger. I was a 'lots out, none to myself'. I put myself first now....my happiness comes first and that isn't selfish. No more being a free counselling service to the wrong kind of connections - true friends go seek help and not burden friends with the heavy stuff - I tend to attract narcissistic types who would use me to solve all their problems but now I am depleted - that in itself acts as a protection now.

the section on forgiveness really resonated with me. The ex would claim to regret his actions, and beg forgiveness. Once, I finally asked him why I should when he seemed to treat it like free pass and the well of forgiveness was running dry BOY did he turn up the gaslighting.

so sad it’s hard for anyone to pin point that their in a relationship with a narcissist 🥹

I'm noticing! With this new knowledge of narcissism, I'm noticing that the person I most desire acceptance from, uses me as a gossip receptacle. I've noticed that she criticizes and mocks people behind their backs. I find myself participating in that same behavior. I have become insecure about being in her company because I'm pretty sure that if she is doing this behavior with me about others, some of which she calls friends, what makes me feel that she is loyal to me behind my back? And yes, she tends to try to lead me down the wrong paths. We are in our late 60's believe it or not.

They suck away every joy you ever had. They HAVE to have their way. If they don't, you'll see stubbornness like no other.

My sister is married to a Narc and it's so sad to watch. Identical start to their relationship to how you described. She works sooo hard to keep the family going and he barely works or contributes to around the house, and his ADHD takes the blame for his lack of productivity. But oohhhh, he can be "so jovial at times and can be fun to have around", and he'll do the odd nice thing here and there, and even apologize after hurting his family. My nieces say "he's always getting mad at her". I'm like WHAT in the hell could he be getting mad at her about!? She works herself to the BONE to keep that family afloat. My sis is the epitome of these 4 things mentioned in this video and I hope one day she wakes up before her husband works her to death. I need a freaking support group for myself to deal with the emotional toll the situation has on me and my family. So sad

@deemaysie6568

Жыл бұрын

You are a great brother to care , and notice, so much about your sister's plight. Wish my brothers could care even 1/4 of what you do.

Dr. Ramani, your videos + presence are so restorative! Thank you!

This really resonates with me! Having spent over 20 years attending Pentecostal Churches where there was a HUGE emphasis on forgiveness, I met so many narcissists who got away with abusing me and others. Over the last 3 or so years I've stopped going to Church and set boundaries in my life and been so much happier and more peaceful!!

Somehow being a truth teller isn’t nearly as much fun as you describe…, but here I am. All that you said, all grieving all the time

Oh my. He asked me about my past then later used it against me. #Redbanner

@fancy357

Жыл бұрын

This happened so many times to me, I stopped talking about any of my past and I would get very anxious when asked about it. It was like she was entitled to my past and had to know everything about it and if I kept anything, I was hiding something or being a liar. Just awful. Some of the most hurtful things done to me were told to her and she would use that to bring me down in the devalueing stage and beyond.

@amac2573

Жыл бұрын

@@fancy357 So sorry. They mirror people's interests and hobbies to get close to them seeking sensitive information that they will then use to try to manipulate and control those people. I have stopped sharing a lot of personal stuff with quite a few people as I realised I couldn't trust them, one would make snarky remarks to me and another was using my information as bargaining chips in gossiping with their Flying Monkeys. Please protect yourself.

@fancy357

Жыл бұрын

@@amac2573 I have certainly learned how to protegt myself. I am a year away from the Narc. I moved across the country. Healing is still happening but everyday I get stronger. Thanks to channels like this and many others. I use my knowledge now to help others 😊

@mjblazy

Жыл бұрын

@@fancy357 I am Almost free of the relationship woohoo!

@fancy357

Жыл бұрын

@@mjblazy Keep going!!! Proud of you