The Only Two Questions to Repair a Relationship
How can we prevent damage in our relationships? To start with we can regularly ask our partners two ostensibly simple yet hugely central and effective questions…
Enjoying our KZread videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/843mW
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/GMpyM
FURTHER READING
You can read more on this here: 9qq0.short.gy/ys7oSs
“Relationships get damaged; every day brings with it small challenges - disappointments, frustrations, and irritations - that can come between even the most committed lovers and subtly wear away at the sincerity of their connection.
To prevent the risks, lovers should regularly make room to ask themselves - in a calm spirit of gentle openness and curiosity - two ostensibly simple yet hugely central and effective questions:
What are you angry with me about?
How have I scared you recently?”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLrelationships
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
Twitter: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
LinkedIn: / the-school-of-life-for...
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Gemma Green-Hope
www.gemmagreenhope.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Graeme Probert
www.gpmotion.co.uk
Пікірлер: 447
If your partner were to ask you these two questions, what would be your answer? Let us know in the comments
@pyeitme508
11 ай бұрын
None 😂
@ashleywithadhd
11 ай бұрын
My answer would be: You being committed to your family irritates me, I feel like you’re not prioritizing me anymore even though you promise to change after the wedding. I’m scared that you won’t prove me wrong and be committed to your family for the rest of your life.
@craighamaimbo844
11 ай бұрын
Not paying attention, not reciprocating my commitment.
@nataliaw.1371
11 ай бұрын
Do we have to wait for them to ask? I believe we can also communicate it by ourselves, right? I mean.. if they are around. Thank you, those are good questions @schooloflife
@meagiesmuse2334
11 ай бұрын
Excellent video! The thing I'm angry about is the same thing that scares me, ie. that he does not plan for the future, so I often feel like the only adult. He would say that I always find something that needs to be worked on and ask why I can't just be happy with the way things are now. For those who know the MBTI, this is what happens when an "N" type marries an "S" type. We've discussed this many times, and it is part of the 69% of things in most marriages that are just not solvable.
I asked my ex once: "Do I scare you sometimes?", because I sometimes felt she was fearful of telling me about things that were bothering her, and it resulted in a tearful emotion breakdown in the middle of the night. I feel like that could've been prevented if I'd asked that question way sooner and frequently.
@LA-cm9uo
11 ай бұрын
Oh damn. I was fearful of my bf sometimes, I was keeping shut like your ex so as not to add my worries to his worries. But one day he asked me that question. I said yes, sometimes. Then he told me, why should I fear another person? He told me I should fight back. He told me I have claws. That nobody can control me, only I can control me. He told me to overpower him if I felt he was too powerful. He said, I shouldn't be afraid, he won't do anything to hurt me. He was right. Since then I have learned to keep my backbone. Our relationship improved immensely and I am thankful to him for inspiring courage in me for me.
@winnieamar9368
11 ай бұрын
@@LA-cm9uowell you're lucky he actually means the things he says.
@sensoryoverload673
10 ай бұрын
@@LA-cm9uo Thank you, this opened my eyes a bit. My situation is a bit different but I think your story can help me.
@LA-cm9uo
10 ай бұрын
@@sensoryoverload673 What's your situation?
@NickMaovich
10 ай бұрын
@@LA-cm9uo damn that is some good ass partner you got there. Smart, adult, and supportive. Hope your relationship grows further
I wish these questions were regularly used in parent-child relationship as well.
@Purpose634
11 ай бұрын
We would definitely live in a better world
@heelercs
10 ай бұрын
FOR REAL!
@Sorchia56
10 ай бұрын
We’ve asked our oldest (26) these questions multiple times over the past 5 years. She went low contact with us then went no contact. When we asked the questions, she couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. Her sister asked her and she did the same to her. They were extremely close up until a month ago. We never got involved in their relationship. All of a sudden, our oldest sent a nasty text to her sister and that was that. She did go off her medication despite our pleas to continue taking it. We’re heartbroken and feel lost 😞. Our precious child is in trouble and we can’t do a thing to help her.
@stormthrush37
10 ай бұрын
Damned straight. My parents scared the shit out of me so bad growing up and they still do well into adulthood. I see it as no small part of my generalized anxiety disorder, CPTSD, and frequent panic attacks. And when I tried to talk to them about it they repeatedly told me to piss off in so many words. And yet they are they only "family" I have.
@Simsim3e
10 ай бұрын
I’ve tried with my mom but she claims to forget all the hurtful things she says and does. I think she’s gaslighting me.
This reminds me of an episode I had with my mum recently. She made me really upset when she made a nasty comment about my body, despite knowing how insecure I am about it. When I tried to help her understand why it hurt me, even if it wasn’t her intention, she simply wouldn’t budge. And that scared me; that my mother, whom I’ve adored and yearned for affection from all these years, would choose her ego over properly mending her relationship with her daughter. It’s not the antecedent that upsets me anymore, it’s the aftermath of her reaction that has truly broken my heart.
@Seamannon
11 ай бұрын
You're so right, sometimes the problem isn't just about being afraid to take a step in the right direction. It also happens that we do whatever we can to improve things on our side, we become more concious and open to other perspectives, more brave to admit our mistakes and willing to fix all our failures, we're ready to communicate clearly, set boundaries and goals regarding our relationship with the other person, we are focused on negotiating terms and find win-win solutions and everything that those selfp-help recources recommend... Only to be confronted with a reaction that shows us that the other person isn't on that same page, they may not be there just yet or they aren't even willing to walk that particular path at all, not for us, not for themselves and not for the relationship. It's so disheartening. Either way it's an important choice point for any relationship, because you have to decide what you can let go of and what you can't. You have to ask yourself if you are willing or able to have a one-sided relationship, if you can be fine, even if you will never be understood by the other person, how much energy you want to put in it from now on, what boundaries would need to be set and upheld for that relationship to exist in the future and so on... It's total BS to just assume, that if you tell your loved ones about your feelings and needs and communicate your boundaries clearly, (like all therapists tend to say) that you will be respected for doing that because teh people closest to you really care about you and want you to be happy, so they will be supportive of such attempts and they will actively participate and then share their own feelings in a similar way. That assumption is simply not true and causes a great deal of suffering to everyone who was desperate for answers on how to improve relationships, implements the best strategies for communication and care and then gets rejected or even ridiculed by their loved ones for those attempts, because they are not willing to put in the work to save the relationship on their side. Sometimes we just have to accept that we did all we could to fix things, but we got ourselves up to a breaking point and a refusal of cooperation may just be the end of that particular relationship. ;(
@youtubename7819
10 ай бұрын
Most parents never accept that their child is an individual person and not a creature made from and for their own ego. Even as their children become adults, they still will never accept it. It is quite something to realize how broken parenting generally is.
@Marisoualiasnanou
10 ай бұрын
Be careful some humans are incapable of empathy…
@abhilashakr7515
10 ай бұрын
This comment thread made me feel understood…
@thebesttheworst2277
10 ай бұрын
@@Seamannon👏👌👍 What an amazing comment that says so much on this subject and how if their ego won't allow them to come to that place with you, instead they will stand where they are and shame you for trying to evolve or grow. To be better as a person or learn, because it's not what they taught you or in line with the upbringing you had or where they see them/you coming from. You've absolutely nailed so much about the dynamic of this in your comment and how ultimately we are limited in creating resolution if the other doesn't care or desire it also.
This works brilliantly until ... *You can't reason with an unreasonable person*
@FrostyCallandor
11 ай бұрын
So true lol
@HelgaCavoli
11 ай бұрын
"Should I be in a relationship with an unreasonable person?" "Why am I in a relationship with an unreasonable person?"
@SoulControlla99
11 ай бұрын
The funny thing is, it's always the other person who's unreasonable...
@HelgaCavoli
11 ай бұрын
@@SoulControlla99 True, true.. 😂 BUT, I hardly think some unreasonable person could be calm and collected enough to 1) want to talk about anything and 2) even watch a video about it. But I thinking of a VERY unreasonable person. 😁 For that my comment above.
@thehapagirl92
11 ай бұрын
Immature person
I have found, with so many School of Life videos that deal with romantic relationships, that the observations and advice apply equally well to platonic relationships of all types.
@BitterDawn
11 ай бұрын
Agreed, it seems to mostly be about understanding our fears or insecurities and the habits that we picked up in our developing years, particularly from our parents. Botton's work and studying other philosophy definitely helps to better understand and demystify people and ourselves.
@planetary-rendez-vous
10 ай бұрын
Because romantic relationships are also just relationships but with a brand of lust added. You can love in a friendship, but sadly people don't get that.
This works really well when both parties love and respect each other. Narcissists, Machiavellians, psychopaths, and sociopaths may see these questions not as a repair, but as an opportunity to be manipulative.
@OfEdito
10 ай бұрын
just stay away from those!
@jonnovak6856
10 ай бұрын
But how do you tell one from the other?
@hadassah6085
10 ай бұрын
@@jonnovak6856they consistently hurt you and use any emotions you have, to keep power over you.
@steinarjonsson_
10 ай бұрын
I think the key to a situation like that is to leave. If people are persistent on wearing you down, they are not worth having around.
@kindauncool
10 ай бұрын
+@@hadassah6085 That's just an abuser. Stop calling people with mental health abusers for no reason. You can be mentally ill without being abusive and you can be abusive without being mentally ill.
It's always about anger and fear. The two most potent emotions underlying every negative event in a relationship. They all build up insidiously until it got so big we wonder how we got here and then all tumbles down. Great video as always fam. ♥️ ❤❤
@Zutentu
11 ай бұрын
Well said
@Awfki
10 ай бұрын
Anger comes from fear. You're afraid but that feels like being helpless so you're brain decides to be angry instead because that feels active and powerful. Anger is a way of expressing fear without admitting that you're afraid. So, you might say that anger is a cowardly way of expressing fear.
@seancooper5140
10 ай бұрын
@@Awfki Anger *can be* a way of expressing fear without admitting it (cowardice), although it might it not also be a way of expressing that despite already communicated fear, you aren't actually helpless and will not permit continued violations of some discussed boundary.
Tried and it worked. Great way to open up a dialogue with your partner in a constructive manner. The hardest part is definitely taking the first step.
My wife and I have issues, but luckily we communicate our issues pretty quick. Been working for over ten years. 😂
@NickMaovich
10 ай бұрын
communication is the key, in the end!
@donmarco1417
Ай бұрын
Have you ever broke up from time to time and then got back ?
I come to this channel whenever I feel like maybe I want a partner. I always leave happy that I’m single cause all this seems awful and way too much to deal with :3
@ChiefTJBallout
10 ай бұрын
too me its more that i know nobody will care enough to try to live up to these ideas
@thekillerbunny
10 ай бұрын
I don't think it's for everyone. That being said, it's one of those challenges that is hard work, but pays off with incredible life experiences. There are many different kinds of life experiences, and the ones that you have with others is unique. And of course, it doesn't have to be romantic... but again, there is a special flavour to that as well. It's all up to you but just wanted to say that it's hard work that pays off, if you want to.
@thekillerbunny
10 ай бұрын
@@ChiefTJBallout Perhaps you haven't met them yet. There are a lot of different people in the world and I doubt you've met them. Self-fulfilling prophecy won't help you... don't be desperate but don't count it out, and who knows what will happen 🙂
@RegahP
10 ай бұрын
@@thekillerbunny yeah, reminds me of when people are like, why would you have a baby, its so much work, so little sleep. I mean yeah but you're forgetting the part about the happiness and fullfillment it brings you internally, similar to relationships, they make you feel whole sometimes, it's not just about having a pretty person to your side.
@ShaeRosalee
10 ай бұрын
Depends on your partner. If they are amazing and you want to keep them around the motivation you feel is completely involuntary. You feel this desire to keep them forever and make sure they're happy, so it excites you to be better. If you don't love the person then yeah being single is amazing!
I can say, without a doubt, that this is one of the best youtube channels out there in the entirety of the platform, making better the lives of the viewers and their friends and loved ones. Great work, as always!
this video is so sweet.. the little thread, clay and paper animations are comforting for their organic nature i also like that the f word and middle finger were shown without being blurred or covered with stickers. our feelings are real and not to be ashamed of.
I really appreciate the similitude with the maintainance to fix a device mentioned at 2:33: really suitable, simple, and clear. I wish I had known it earlier in my life
What about "How did I make you sad"? Since disappointed expecations can also result in sadness rather than only anger. I really feel this is missing here. What do you guys think about it?
@tracydanneo
11 ай бұрын
Yes, definitely.
@mydogeatspuke
11 ай бұрын
You can't MAKE someone else feel anything. If someone is upset that you didn't meet their expectations, they made themselves upset. Not you. That isn't something you are responsible for.
@MusiicRoolz
11 ай бұрын
@@mydogeatspukewe're all responsible to the people around us but not responsible for them. there's a blurry and eternally indefinite line between something that's unreasonable and something that's reasonable to be upset about
@mydogeatspuke
11 ай бұрын
@@MusiicRoolz literally nothing to do with anything I said. Completely different thing.
@MusiicRoolz
10 ай бұрын
@@mydogeatspuke it is because you claim that not meeting expectations is someone else's problem when a relationship is a transaction between two people. if you're upset about your expectations not being met, if you're upset you couldn't meet someone's expectations - it's not black and white as to who's fault it is or who should take responsibility. it's completely nuanced to the situation - how well expectations have been communicated, how reasonable the expectations are, etc etc etc
School o f Life is one of my favourite KZread channels and now I feel like I can't do without it. It brings so much clarity in one's life. Now I started doing my own videos about all sorts of aspects of life. 😊
"It's impossible to overestimate the value of a first step." A QUOTE I WON'T FORGET.
@bababoey3916
10 ай бұрын
Its a very interesting quote but i cant seem to understand it very well. Does it mean that we always tend to underestimate the outcome of our first attempt at anything? Like being skeptical anything would actually change
I think this is very good advice for people who not only have a genuine interest in making a relationship work, but also are emotionally mature enough to be present in these situations.
@sparkstudies1675
7 ай бұрын
And also people who have a level of self awareness so as not to entirely blame their unhappiness on another person too. Balance is key
Like a hammer to a nail. You drove it first try. And you built a mighty school. That was extremely enlightening. You’re all geniuses!! Ty
Brilliant and truly excellent, as always. It seems to me that the School of Life has become a place that simplifies complex topics by isolating the root issues, causes, etc. and then offering practical advice for addressing the topic from the once complex but now simple perspective. That is a great idea and not at all easily to pull off. I really appreciate it. Thank you. : )
Even though, these questions are so very important in a relationship. My boyfriend and I have made it important that we communicate when something isn't going right. And it's SO refreshing!
Superb advice. It requires courage and humility to maintain a relationship.
@TheRelationshipNavigator
10 ай бұрын
❤
what a noble job you are doing by spreading love!! Great!!
Narcissist kills this in no time 😔🎭
Tks for making the video It’s useful for me right now.
@theschooloflifetv
11 ай бұрын
Glad to hear it!
These are two seemingly simple yet absolutely great questions. And I feel like it can help cover a lot of ground in terms of the many different things that can be going wrong in a relationship. I really want to send him this video but I just don't know if he's gonna be open-minded & accepting enough to actually make use of it..
Loved that last slide with the tool rack and the descriptions beside each one.
This video just found me waiting for my partner after some misunderstanding yesterday.
I'll ad those to our family conference. Thank you!
This stuff is always helpful. Thank you!!!!!
This works very well with non narcissistic people committed to the relationship as a equal member and a unified team. Add any narcissistic trait or worse a covert or overt narcissist, this idea goes in the garbage.
@deniseputtre9158
5 ай бұрын
So true. also does not work with a partner who has substance abuse issues
wow some of the best advice I've heard !!!! Thank you!!!
Those are good questions. The main feeling blocking my love is anger. I felt angry when he woke me up out of a dead sleep because I moved his broken computer out of the living room. He could’ve waited until the next morning to ask me where I put it. Every time he misplaces or loses something he acts like a maniac in a panic tearing up the house and going in circles to find it. I usually always find the item for him in the most obvious place. His doctor gave him Clonidine to take when he can’t calm down.
@TheRelationshipNavigator
10 ай бұрын
❤
That was unexpectedly wise. Ty 💜
Healthiest channel advice out here 🎉❤
@armin1500
11 ай бұрын
its a shame that so many people in the comment section would rather be bitter and continue to whine about how "my PARTNER is wrong, not ME! absolutely not!" i dont get these people lmao, they have a chance to be happy and work on their relationship and turn it into something beautiful, yet they CHOOSE to be miserable
This is very smart! Behind the questions is: How am I failing to change for the better? (And thus create anger) How have I changed unpredictably? (And thus scare you?) By solving these we can manage any change in a relationship.
@meagiesmuse2334
11 ай бұрын
@Skargar - It's been very hard for me to accept the truth that some people are totally satisfied with who they are now and don't want to change at all. I can't even conceive of not wanting to try to keep on trying to improve.
@Skargar
11 ай бұрын
We gain our biggest freedom when we allow ourselves not to have to carry the worry about everyone else. People do all kind of idiotic stuff, and when we can accept that and worry more about ourselves, then life is a lot easier. Took me 25 years.
That sounds good on paper. Sometimes it goes, why are you angry. Tells why. "THAT NEVER HAPPENED YOU ALWAYS..." although for healthy relationships good advice.
I can see the benefit of asking if one has angered their partner. However, scared seems a bit weird. Iw ould have thought there were better questions such as "let down" etc...
Great narration and animation.
I calmly told my husband he'd upset me speaking down to me last week and always questioning me. He didn't agree and it escalated and he asked me to leave- locking me out of the room. He is never wrong and he never apologises. Ever.😢
@youcannotfailatbeingyourse9547
11 ай бұрын
Maybe it’s time to leave…
@belgadog99
10 ай бұрын
please look up these personality disorders : Cluster B disorders. There are several..my whole family is like this..i slowly disconnected/let go of most people over the years. There is no cure for these people. Whenever you recognize the personality disorder that your husband has, you will be able to find some advice on how to cope with the person..remember, it is not your fault and NO you nor any dr can fix these people. I do not answer or engage in an argument, because that is what the other person wants. I think this is also some kind of attention seeking issue. My mother is like this too. I don't talk to her.
@angelineandrade589
10 ай бұрын
His response is textbook emotional abuse.
could never have uploaded at a better time
Oh man, if only this was posted a week ago… this was exactly the conversation I needed to have with my now ex 😢 I’ll be using this tool in the future. Thank you for this video
@dyllan890
3 ай бұрын
I can totally relate to how you feel. At the beginning of this month I had my heart broken by someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. We were almost at 2 years just 2 months shy. Wish I knew how to communicate like this and maybe we’d still be together 😭
Wow. Simple and Doable ❤
Great questions to ask 😀✨👍✨
Thank you.
These are wise questions... into my pocket they go!
Thank You 🙏 ❤
Considering people who are watching this probably aren't abusive partners, I believe the second question would be worded better as something along the lines of, "What have I done to lose your trust lately?"
@TheRelationshipNavigator
10 ай бұрын
❤
I'll ask these to my malignant narcissist boss. I'm sure it'll go well.
@Tomas-fz7tl
6 ай бұрын
lmao
Very insightful. Thankyou to the crew team from #Tsol
You: "What are you angry at me about?" Partner: "If you don't know then I'm even angrier."
@salem_ness
6 ай бұрын
You: im trying to understand you better so we can be fine (If not, they're probably the problem, relationships should be able to talk and effectively come out of whatever was going on)
1. What are you angry about? 2. How have I scared you recently?
@thebesttheworst2277
11 ай бұрын
1. You giving away the spoilers 2. I've just told you 😜
Thanks
I'd think the answers to these two questions could easily illicit negative emotional responses. A more positive way to phrase it could be, "name a couple of things that you would like me to change to improve our relationship?"
@MusiicRoolz
11 ай бұрын
that's super open ended lol and I feel could sway into many other conversations rather than the specifics of noting the building resentments between the two of you. also, sometimes things don't necessarily need to be changed but you just need to be listened to.
@Birdylockso
11 ай бұрын
@@MusiicRoolz interesting take, and you think those two questions from the video are not open ended? This two questions address emotions, I.e., angry and scare, which would solicit emotional responses back and forth that may escalate pretty quickly. Suggestions of changes might be simpler, as calling ahead if going to be late, etc. Such requests would be more tolerable. In essence, questions that could be asked easier and solicit replies that could be taken easier. We are talking about baby step 1.0 here. Just a suggestion.
@No_Name_2604
11 ай бұрын
Yes it could elicit negative emotional responses that's the point. To let them out and be heard and understood for them. It is important to adress these issues directly. Your question sounds like a follow up question that can be asked for a way forward after the first two
@Birdylockso
11 ай бұрын
@@No_Name_2604 "to let them out and be heard," really? You think the average couple could actually be capable of handling such engagement that require extreme high IQ, without a professional counselor on the side to facilitate? The average Mary and Joe really could handle those two questions?
@inevski
11 ай бұрын
These are the sort of questions you can ask in the ideal relationship where you don't need to ask these questions. Lala land. Anyone who's handled a really difficult relationship might be intimidated by these questions. With the best will in the world. It's still a relationship and you may have children and be working at it as long as you can
This is great and I think this one more thing you need to add to it which is to keep doing it even if one partner says, nothing.
Important 2 questions it is!! ❤
these questions certainly are a good way of saving a relationship. but i feel like the main goal should be a relationship in which both parties are brutally honest while also always having the best intentions for their partner. having someone tell you what bothers them while being constructive and supporting without you having to ask is such a healthy thing for a relationship. if both partners have no ego and tell each other everything that bothers them in the relationship you truly become one unit that simply wants to improve. its easy to not get angry at your partner when you know that that person only has the best intentions for you and they simply made a mistake or didnt meet your expectations in some way. and when you dont get mad, but rather act in an understanding way and want to search for a solution together it makes it pretty easy for your partner to be open. edit: ofc im talking about mistakes and behaviour that is excusable, not about cheating etc.
Number One: I don't like how you make me feel. Number Two: I CAN'T make you feel anything you don't want to. Problem: Eternal.
More good videos like this one, please.
This works as long as your partner doesn't have a bad habit of blaming you for all their unhappiness in the relationship all of the time, due to a lack of self awareness. It's equally important to realise that you can't solve all their underlying issues for them by changing who you are. Otherwise great video if you are able to read the nuance in it.
A dear friend and I parted ways recently after some harsh words and targeted animosity. There was no goodbye, no long talk, just a "see ya," and neither of us have spoken since. As much as I'd like to try to talk to her and find out what's going on, I just feel like the relationship is mendable but shouldn't be mended.
@WillRedzOfficial
8 ай бұрын
I know what you mean
My ex and I had the same argument every January. On what I didn’t know was our last one; that we could have recorded last year’s argument and played it back.
I really need this… that second question
Yep, fear and anger go hand and hand.
This is interesting. I’m thinking my partner might be telling me already, though not with words. I should pay more attention mood changes that seem to have no apparent cause. Do a little replay of what happened before the mood. Thanks.
Greet ideal Difficult to balance with anothers priorities. Nonetheless good advice in communication 👌 Important information 🎉
Where do you find these enlightened partners who can take such information and never make it personal or proceed to self-monitor obsessively for the rest of eternity (after your confession), in fear of not upsetting you in the same way again? Are most people capable hearing something they perhaps very justifiably did that upset their partner and not take it the least bit personally week after week, year after year?
@afreen5058
11 ай бұрын
Yeah, if you find the right person. I actually do have a constructive conversation with my partner where we will (metaphorically) put a lil flag up and say “hey, it made me upset when you did ____.” Nobody yells or screams, we just talk it out. And usually it takes humility to say “I did do that… I realize that was not great. I’m sorry” but the other partner can also understand your reasoning, that you aren’t perfect, etc.
50 % here for Alain's voice 50% here for the message
I think the difficulty comes not only in getting the questions asked and answered but also getting both parties to listen to the answer…a family member recently asked me why I was angry and then immediately began to attack me…it’s been going on almost a week (verbally), rather than listen to the answer. 🤷♀️
@TheRelationshipNavigator
10 ай бұрын
❤
This assumes you are not dealing with a bad actor. Someone stewing in anger about how boring their partner's friends are sounds like the type of BS bad actors use to start fights and control their partner with. Relationships require a person to know what is unacceptable behavior and to always be able and willing to walk away when your partner treats you in that unacceptable way. Without this you will die a death of a 1000 gut punches. Loving yourself enough to walk isn't optional in a functional relationships.
@thebesttheworst2277
11 ай бұрын
Bars 👏👌💯
@1984musicman
11 ай бұрын
Hope people read this comment!!🙏
@christopherdavidson2286
10 ай бұрын
This is a very apt and poignant point. ❤
@TheRelationshipNavigator
10 ай бұрын
❤
Wow!
The question is how do we answer these questions openly if our conversation partner will take our honesty personally?
This only works when both of the parties have almost same amount of abilities to communicate
@theschooloflifetv can you make a video about getting over "the ick" in a relationship?
Powerful...
Thanks, School of Life! I would like some of your videos to have Hungarian subtitles so much, I would like to translate them. Is there a way to add new subtitles to your videos?
The more videos I watch of this sort the more resolutely I remain single...life is to short for all this mental warfare.
What do you do when you tell them sweetly and politely too many times but it's part of their character that won't change....move on.
2 effective questions: 1. What are you angry with me about ? 2. How have i scare you recently? Have 2 calm spirit : gentle openness & curiousity
The only thing that makes me irritated about several ex-partners is that I have to ask these questions and that they always have an answer. I don't harbor things that would need maintenance, so why do I constantly have to check in with them? Over time this is the only thing that builds annoyance and eventually leads to a break-up, and it comes as a surprise ("but everything was going so well" - yeah, because I was constantly checking in with you and assuaging your emotions). I can't directly tell them that this is what annoys me because it's "healthy" and I would rather this than have them bottle up their silly greivances. I'd just rather they didn't have them in the first place.
1:16 OMg that made me laugh lol :)
Anyone know where I might find a spinning crystal like the one at 1:27 ?
...you can't reason with a person that puts EMOTIONS above reasoning.
I absolutely loved this video and agree with its very wise message. Thank you! But I still wanted to make the point that boundaries are as important as reparations. So I wonder whether I really should apologise to someone because he finds my friends boring or my job not good enough. My friendships are the most important relationships I have and I love my job. So if that partner feels " let down and angry" by these, I would kindly tell him to find another girlfriend. I guess it would be better to make these things clear at the beginning of the relationship, so that the other person knows where the boundaries are. Because you don't feel that easily " entitled" to feel angry and let down, if you know beforehand how close your lives are supposed to be . When two lives emerge too much, no matter how often you apologise ,you may not be able to save each other from suffocating. But once the boundaries are clear, I wholeheartedly agree with the message of this wise lesson. If you want to ask more profound questions to your partner I would highly recommend the " 100 Questions. A Toolkit for Relationships" by TSOL. I gave it as a wedding present a few times and my friends said that it was very helpful! It is also good to know how horrible things can get if you don't do the work. So watching these 3 movies , each of which describe a unique hell, can be very effective too: -Scenes from a Marriage, by Ingmar Bergman -Who is afraid of Virginia Woolf,by Mike Nichols -Before Midnight, by Richard Linklater Thank you so much as always for this heartwarming lesson!🥰🥰
@vivekamar99
11 ай бұрын
You're very wise. I'm sure it's very easy to love and trust you.
@bolivar1789
11 ай бұрын
@@vivekamar99 Hello there Vivek! That's so kind of you to say! Thank you so much. Much love to you and to all your loved ones!🥰
@vivekamar99
11 ай бұрын
@@bolivar1789 Thanks!
@tinnytiny1742
11 ай бұрын
I don't think the video regards apologizing, of course we must evaluate and see if the action described by the parter needs an apology, but most importantly I think this video is trying to highlight how important it is to work in communication, to listen your partner worries and issues, as the video says is no a search for culprits or faults.
@bolivar1789
11 ай бұрын
@@tinnytiny1742 Hello there! Thanks a lot for your message! Oh you are absolutely right. I also totally agree with the message of this lesson. But since it does mention the word " apology" ( around 1.30 ) , I thought it is important to think about when to be apologetic and when not. For things we "did or said", that came across as hurtful, we can always apologise. But our job ( if we are lucky ) and our friendships are very much about "who we are" in this world. I wouldn't apologise for that. Besides, your partner knew who your friends were and what you did for living when they met you. It is interesting and concerning that over time they feel "entitled" to get angry about these things. So I just found this example problematic, you know... But I agree with all the rest! Once again, thanks a lot for your time! Best wishes!🥰😍
what makes one angry? being poor what does everyone fear? being poor
Plz make as a tiktok so I can send to genz friends and expect them to watch
I didn't know that Sasquatch and the Abominable Snowman were in a committed relationship 🤷♂️
Wish this video came out 2 years ago.
My bf is acting sometimes immaturely and I wanna help him because he means a lot for me. How can I gently genuinely help him ?
What about a person who doesn’t like anger? I hate that. Some people are intolerant of angry people
@Tomas-fz7tl
6 ай бұрын
its because they cant stand anger in themselves
Have to be with reasonably sane person though
This presumes that both persons want to have a good relationship.
As I was a partner with cancer, I was most of the problem in the relationship. Those two questions are obvious.
@amandacruz4254
11 ай бұрын
Perhaps still worth setting aside some of our own assumptions and asking our partner so they have the chance to be heard, which is the most important part
@snowarmth
6 ай бұрын
If I were your partner, I'd certainly still give you the ability to speak your mind before I say "It's probably just the cancer." Those assumptions take away your agency and make it out to be that cancer is the only thing going on with you and your relationship. Sorry to hear about your condition. I hope you beat it :(
You overestimate how often I’m maintaining outboard engines.
Hang on, what was that spinning glass ball at 1,30? I want one of those ! ☺️
I LAWAYS ask my boyfriend what are things that I do that scare him and he always says my reactions to what he will tell me scare him because it reminds him of his mother. I feel hurt and I feel bad, because I really do try to make him feel safe in our relationship, and I took some reading to find better ways to manage my emotions to keep from scaring him. But I am hurt because it doesn't seem to be enough as he still confesses the fear of my reactions. And even after asking him what can I do to make him feel more face and making those adjustments, it doesn't work: he is still scared. So to know that these could be questions supposed to help the relationship, when it actually is tearing mine apart, makes me sad.
If I ask these questions to my partner, he would probably never answer them and may even get offended that I think he is scared of me.
hello i'm learning English but one word has too many meanings how can I find the most appropriate meaning. can your help me
Does this apply to school relationship 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Love u school of life❤❤❤❤
I wish I had a partner