A 4 in a nutshell "I want to stand out but I don't want people to notice me!"

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Right...ok!

@cinderella4499

4 жыл бұрын

Fuarian hahahahaha

@meh5069

4 жыл бұрын

Wow.... me. That is me in a nutshell 😂

@izlofton97

4 жыл бұрын

Sorry

@cwright821

4 жыл бұрын

*nods feverishly*

"avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood." ouch 😭😂

@-mirsken-

4 жыл бұрын

andromedasmoons I’m never in the right mood so i never do it😌😳

@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios

4 жыл бұрын

andromedasmoons my life has been on a stop. Since this whole shut-down, I have not been able to take actions in my life goals because I don’t feel them anymore. 💁🏻‍♀️

@nicolelyon2530

4 жыл бұрын

@@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios Same here! Trying to work through it and keep moving forward...!

@alexandrineb7752

3 жыл бұрын

Daaaaaamn 😩

@LeahZ777

3 жыл бұрын

THIS is so me!

HELP SUMMARY 1) do not pay so much attention to emotions they come and go, so let them pass 2) avoid putting things off until you are in the right mood 3) think about the way things could be then bring them into the real world 4) just do it 5) stay connected to others do not push and pull 6) show up you are already ready to take on the world 7) practice self-discipline 8) avoid lengthy convos in your own imaginations 9) talk to someone 10) serve others 11) refuge the tendency to dig up the past 12) resist the tendency to take things personally (let it go, people are not thinking of you they are doing their own life) 13) be aware of how harsh you talk to yourself 14) be present in life

@ILUVYouBobby

2 жыл бұрын

Good stuff

@Jonesy3461

2 жыл бұрын

Perfect summary! Thank you!!

@madhvishukla4332

Жыл бұрын

Thanks

@nigelgericke2533

Жыл бұрын

Thanks very much !

@lena38304

Жыл бұрын

Thank you😊

The “avoid having long conversations with yourself” dropped my jaw

@TiggyTiger4

4 жыл бұрын

Talk to your cat instead.

@belorama8

4 жыл бұрын

@@TiggyTiger4 oh yeah! We all have cats right? Headcannon all 4s have at least 1 cat.

@cinderella4499

4 жыл бұрын

TiggyTiger4 😄😁😄😂😃

@TV-wy1py

4 жыл бұрын

Couldn't wait for this video to end so I can have that long conversation with myself but guess that's not happening anymore😳

@kyleeb4724

4 жыл бұрын

Carolina Galindo right?? i feel like i can’t process new information and concepts without having an hour-long discussion about it with myself

You know you are a 4 when even goth is too stereotypical 😂

@maximiliangonzalez3915

3 жыл бұрын

lol same, i'm sitting here like "i'm not a goth, i'm a metalhead"

@zsauffi

3 жыл бұрын

Because it is 😳 with millions of followers

@alisonschmitt9533

3 жыл бұрын

Ha, yes!

@christinalemar8595

2 жыл бұрын

Goth is overdone and reminds me of teenagers in hot topic. I like goth light. Which means I love all black with taste but not costumey

@nikkilengyel

2 жыл бұрын

I laughed out loud when he said that. I feel so called out. I've never been "goth", but I was INTO it when I was 15-16. I WANTED to be goth. I dyed my hair black, wore all black clothes, liked gargoyles and stuff. I looked like something out of the Addams Family.

let's all become friends because maybe we can all actually understand each other

@foottoast4235

4 жыл бұрын

I wonder what hobbies/interests 4s tend to have, any weebs out there

@poevideo123

4 жыл бұрын

@@foottoast4235 Sleeping mostly, Can we consider daydreaming a hobbie?

@abriannaaponi8841

4 жыл бұрын

@@foottoast4235 they're usually artists .. but usually something Unique ...

@carlymarie1978

4 жыл бұрын

I would love to find more weirdos who share my interests. I’m all over the place and it seems like no one wants to talk about; psychology, Jung, astrology, dreams, consciousness, parallel dimensions, religion, simulation theory, AI, Greek mythology, Dostoyevsky, etc. haha. Those are my favorite topics that I tell my kids about because they’re the only ones who won’t walk away. 😂

@djmfinland

4 жыл бұрын

@@foottoast4235 Music, but of course in a way of trying to be extraordinarily unique. Recently I went so far that I tried to invent completely new music genre :D

Me while watching this: okay but I AM different!!!

@JValentineV

4 жыл бұрын

Same here, but not the same ! LoL

@JW-vs4rd

4 жыл бұрын

Lol same but not.

@kevinghl2286

4 жыл бұрын

Haha

@AspergersversusNeurotypicals

4 жыл бұрын

been labeled and informed i'm different, weird, the most creative person they've met, amazing, etc, so I tend to think I am different, I guess. I mean, we build our identity with feedback as well as internal desires.

@chantalszemenyei1682

4 жыл бұрын

Hosanna Mullen 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I like collecting all of my painful memories, and then I just soak in them. I Love how much I hate how I feel when I do that.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Wow... that is so different than being a 7w6. :-0

@nique6382

4 жыл бұрын

Can relate haha!

@nique6382

4 жыл бұрын

@shlbs91 - totally relate to this haha

@marylongoria8633

4 жыл бұрын

I second that comment. But what I don't like about being a 4 is how selfish we are. When our personality is described it makes us sound like awful people. Im not saying I disagree with this description.

@dmsjt5181

4 жыл бұрын

I think this is why I like baths so much 😂😂😂

Here's the thing. It's kind of hard to NOT be convinced there's something different about you when you've been treated your whole life by most people as if there is. And the really hard thing is when you have no real explanation for it. I've gone from "Am I ugly?" to "Am I autistic?" to "Do I just have really bad social skills that I need to improve on?" to "Maybe I'll never know, maybe it's just supposed to be this way." It's strange, though. You're right, I DO want to be different, but not in THIS way, not in a way that makes me out to be a complete and utter social pariah. I want to be different in a way that's uniquely me, but in a way that wouldn't make people speak about me in an overly negative light. Not "She's a weirdo, avoid her" but "She marches to the beat of her own drum." If that makes sense. It's all very difficult to explain, and honestly, I feel dumb for even trying. Anyway, thanks for the video. I've never felt so called out and disgusted with myself in all my life.

@happyfairy8121

3 жыл бұрын

i really to this comment on a deep level

@crowmedicine3890

3 жыл бұрын

I also relate deeply to this comment. From my very first memory, I KNEW I was different. Even the people closest to me have never understood me. And clearly there was something "wrong" with me. Being an empath hasn't helped because I could feel everything that everyone feels about me. I think what I came here to say, is that I can relate to how you feel, and I feel sad that you're disgusted with yourself. There's nothing about you to feel disgusted about. You're just misunderstood.

@RutiCelli

3 жыл бұрын

I’m a 4 and I relate. The last part of “disgusted with myself”- this is where you can actually embrace yourself and tell yourself that you are exactly who you are meant to be in order to reflect to the people around you what they need to see about themselves. You are also exactly who you are meant to be because the soul connection to the personality is where all the magic is. Being a 4 for me means- being able to contain a hell of a lot and I know for a fact that my soul chose that. I hope this helps 💗

@naeslay6846

3 жыл бұрын

I have definitely questioned if I was autistic.

@magentarose6659

3 жыл бұрын

You said what I've been thinking!

"they separate themselves from others but that's what they are most afraid of"

30 years of therapy in an hour

@monicawoodwardcreative

3 жыл бұрын

Yes that 👆🏻 Way better than years of therapy and self help books. This was completely spot on (for me). Thx Dr. Tom - Super helpful ❤️

@wildfleurgirl

2 жыл бұрын

I know right!?

I was listening to a Bob Ross painting tutorial and he said : ''if I acted normal nobody would know me''. Now that's sums up a 4!

@erikakronvold4211

3 жыл бұрын

Wow Just wow

@quuqeemonster

3 жыл бұрын

Wow - so great

@alisonschmitt9533

3 жыл бұрын

Truth.

"be self-disciplined, sleep at regular hours-" im watching this at 4:30 in the morning :/

@melissaphillis7247

4 жыл бұрын

My daughter is a 4...never has had a good sleeping pattern....

@addie2747

4 жыл бұрын

yo im reading this at 4:13am :/

@kimberlysleeth9084

4 жыл бұрын

4:57am! 🤣

@DrLiaraTSoni

4 жыл бұрын

Im here at 3:47 am, lol

@nerdyoutube7847

4 жыл бұрын

Try 6:30am

“The dark makes the light that much lighter” yesssssss as a 4 I rlly do wanna fully experience the emotions that I go through because i feel like it makes me understand myself so much better

@wessvnn1003

3 жыл бұрын

yep, balance is key!

"Avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood" Me and my totally random daily not-routine: *flinching *

The Enneagram seems to be made for us Fours. We are at the forefront of longing to know ourselves and others, and be known by ourselves and others.

@haileyoslund

2 жыл бұрын

And live these things out authentically!

As a 4w5 I’m not super concerned with appearing different from others on the outside, but what matters to me is knowing I’m truly different from most people on the inside. Knowing that the work I do matters and it will make changes for the betterment of humanity is a big thing for me to. Although I have to be very careful I don’t get stuck in melancholy states thinking about past disappointments, usually I do pretty well though. ☺️

@tanyalewis-mulvey1969

4 жыл бұрын

🙌🏼 every single word 🙌🏼

@tiyahlogic

3 жыл бұрын

same

@gozdenur9776

3 жыл бұрын

I see you are a parent, must be such a lovely feeling, i’m a 4w5 too and i think i will never be able to marry and have kids because of my characteristics. I am trying to get used to this idea of being probably single all of my life.

@niki_singing

3 жыл бұрын

I’m a 4w5 as well and this is so true for me:’) not getting stuck in melancholy states wow exactly...

@user-xr9tt1to9l

2 жыл бұрын

right!! haha I think sometimes I get dressed thinking… hmmm will they notice I am different and I matching them enough to hide within them. haha

Ironic because this video DOES make me feel understood for once haha

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Awesome

18:47 i go to an art school and everyone is a 4 and its a fashion show everyday lmao

@TheMan8719ttv

4 жыл бұрын

This made me smile big

@sarahannemunson2687

4 жыл бұрын

Bro me too

@JulietTheGirl

3 жыл бұрын

Daaah :) Today I saw a lady dressed in my favorite color scheme, wearing quite a unique coat which I loved!! Plus having a cotton bag with a cat on it.. she must be type 4!!! Haha

@crowmedicine3890

3 жыл бұрын

Oh, I LOVE that! You found your people!

Fours may try on different personalities Me: *thinks about all the movie/comic book character personalities I've tried on*

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing that.

@alisonschmitt9533

3 жыл бұрын

Yup!

@Diniecita

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah I tried that too in HS. I think its part of learning who you are.

@user-xr9tt1to9l

2 жыл бұрын

I seem to try on my friends personas too haha. I always said Im like a chameleon..I can fit into any group if I need to. As a 4w5 I bet I could be a really good investigator. hahaha. Undercover Cop perhaps. hahaha

Am I the only one that looks in the comments in hopes of a really good friend?? Hahaha

@thomaswaters9962

3 жыл бұрын

Nope, not alone! Especially on a video like this I'm looking for someone to connect with

@kayfeelzwhatitiz

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah same! What’s your type?

@alisonschmitt9533

3 жыл бұрын

Me too ❤️

@noturbo

3 ай бұрын

I will be your friend

I have an enneagram book and fours have the longest "traits of unhealthy fours" part among all types. And the longest advices part.

@gozdenur9776

3 жыл бұрын

Wow that made me smile loudly

@staceycowan8391

3 жыл бұрын

What book is this?

@AE-gm6hn

3 жыл бұрын

@@staceycowan8391 it is a book which is written in turkish and i guess it doesn't have any translated version, sorry. But the name of it is: Kişiliğin DNA'sı by İsmail Acarkan

@BPopovBG

2 жыл бұрын

I see what you did there. Y.A.N.A (Doctor who reference)

@danarevalo

2 жыл бұрын

@@staceycowan8391 The book I have found most helpful as of now is The Wisdom of the Enneagram, by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson...

“The ordinary-dressed people - ugh. The people trying to stand out - oh please” This is so me 😂. Same with all of it, thanks for the insights! Well done. I’ll be listening to the others eventually.

@mycomage

4 жыл бұрын

These "ordinary-dressed people"... You mean "muggles"

@jessieg3305

4 жыл бұрын

mycomage 😂

This is by far THE best verbal explanation of the FOUR! It made me laugh every time you spoke a hard truth and then followed it up with "that probably stung". Thank you for taking the time to make this video, and for the honesty at the end.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Glad you found my channel.

I’m a 4 musician. This totally makes sense. Every good song I’ve ever written has come out of my emotions.

@emilybrantley1002

3 жыл бұрын

Stephanie, I have been scrolling through these comments thinking, "I have found my people. Too bad I don't know any of them personally. Oh, wait. That's MY Stephanie." I love that you found this video too, and I'm so grateful that I know you. :)

Thank you so much for your wisdom. My wife is a 4, and I Been having a hard time lately really trying to connect and understand her. This really puts puts some things into perspective. Like, you don't even know. Thank you

@crowmedicine3890

3 жыл бұрын

I seriously commend you for doing the work, and your best, to understand her. That's a beautiful thing.

@Diniecita

3 жыл бұрын

Awww, its romantic to want to know her. She wants that Im sure. Love her for her difference. Also a good book recommendation is “captivating” by John and Staci Eldridge.

@LilacSnowBun

2 жыл бұрын

It’s super nice that you are researching her. :)

I am almost in tears right now, this is just so spot on it is painfully beautiful, but also relieving and sad all at the same time. Specially the last part about what makes us healthy and how doing the mundane and loosing ourself is what is needed for us to thrive. I am not working now because I honestly find being a 4 so painful I struggle through life. I have yet to find a path to walk and so I jump from one thing to another trying to find my place but I never fit in, but at the same time I don't want to fit in. I long to have a work to go to, a routine in my life. I have a deep instinct that this is what I need, but it is hard to stop the marinating in ones own feelings, misery and uniqueness. This video is so helpful because now I got confirmation that this instinct is right and that I have to keep working towards letting go of my ego and pride and find freedom in the ordinary. Thank you so so much for this brilliant video

@TALIACORNELIUS

3 жыл бұрын

I feel the same way. Like I never really "relax". Because I'm always changing, moving, searching for that self, that community, connection, belonging that feels "right"

Does anyone else feel like they get younger the older they get? The more I accept and love my deep, brooding, moody self the more fun it is to be lighthearted about my personality traits. I don’t feel like I really need to explain myself so much any more. I’m getting more used to drawing boundaries with people. Creativity seems to flow easier the more I let go of shame. I’m a 4w5 INFP

I literally started crying watching this. Believing that I'll never be understood? Yup! Over-identifying with painful feelings? Yup! Not believing a "personality test" could ever peg me? Yup! And then to be so precisely pegged??!! It gives me hope. Thank you for this invaluable insight, and for the care and interest with which you present it. I'm so grateful.

Man what a ride. It was a bunch of ouches interspersed with bursting into tears of healing and being seen. What a 4 comment. 😂😂😂

6 minutes in and you've made me cry because you've articulated my love of the dark moments so well. 16 minutes in and I'm actually cry-laughing because I have never had anyone insult me with such perfection. Thank you for this absolute roller coaster of emotions, as a 4, you know I'm loving this.

Wow this was so spot on. When we 4s sleep, excercise and eat regularly life is SO MUCH easier for us and people around us. That advice was so so important. What makes is hard is that it might be more difficult for us to stick to a routine than "normal" people hahah 🙈

"Avoid lenghty conversations in your own imagination" *cries in maladaptive daydreamer * Actually, what if maladaptive daydreaming is actually something all fours experience???

@bluebie017

4 жыл бұрын

well, I’m a 4w5 and have struggled with that for most of my life! So I didn’t quite appreciate that comment... but I guess it did resonated. 🤧

@radiantsun8493

3 жыл бұрын

omg that's me

@lenblack1462

3 жыл бұрын

I'm addicted to that.

@AcornSandCheese

3 жыл бұрын

Yup same!

@nendamoon3552

3 жыл бұрын

That is me

This was helpful for me! I'm a 4 feeling bad/beating myself up for how I am. I feel like I'm not alone now. Thank you!

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

So glad to hear.

@TheMan8719ttv

4 жыл бұрын

What's helped me is learning to treat myself like someone I really care about...patience is the school I'm in ATM...its hard!

Working on emotional literacy, state management techniques & understanding the super ego has been invaluable in helping this 4w5 get healthy & move steadily towards expressing the 1... self discipline in the ‘every day’ (very challenging to 4’s) leads to growth & freedom from the confines of the 4 construct & makes being a 4 a deeply meaningful, exquisitely beautiful & fun experience xxx

@MitchellM929

4 жыл бұрын

Hey, I'm also a 4w5 (and very new to enneagram types!) All the things you mentioned sound like they would be very helpful for me. Anything you recommend reading to learn more about that stuff?

I FEEL SO CALLED OUT RN

Understanding that “feelings and emotions are fleeting” is very important for us 4! I’m learning how to be that very statement with a healthy dose of empathy and compassion for each situation. It was a ten year journey to realize. I throughly enjoy this explanation of the 4.

@madridboo5928

3 жыл бұрын

EXACTLY THIS!!

Tom, you have such a gift for teaching. I have attended/read loads of enneagram stuff, yet this video sealed it for me. Such gratitude. Yes, just show up to ordinary tasks actually makes me happy. As a 4, l cant imagine not questioning my life. True " an un-examined life is not worth living" most likely stated by a 4. Being a 4 is rough/tough - but eventually and usually later in life - creates enormous meaning cause we have gone deep and found a self that cant be taken, is not for turning. We are the Matrix, we dont belong here - we dont get people who watch rubbish T.V. Were bewildered. In our youth its hell, in older age its deeply comforting to come up from the depths cause we brought up with us a friendship that never leaves us.. Ireland

@TALIACORNELIUS

3 жыл бұрын

Wow I agree. I love hearing other 4's comments, it feels like reflections of my soul. I love what you said about the Matrix. Maybe we just see life for what it is, and try to cope by making something meaningful from it and being the best self we can be.

Brilliant. Feel like you've described my life in an hour! Very helpful and insightful and like the tools for moving to a healthy level. Thank you.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your comment. Blessings on your journey.

@toniasheridan

4 жыл бұрын

mine too! eek! :/

@willowg8007

4 жыл бұрын

Same! Thank you Dr. Tom!

I just found out that I am a 4. I have been soul searching my whole life. I have been told I am weird since I was a kid. I have had over 30 different jobs and four different career certifications in an effort to find where I belong, where I can contribute and find meaning. I have studied everything from quantum mechanics to psychology to art, biology, foreign languages, and world religions trying to understand the nature of existence and find my purpose. I am literally starting school again in a month to become an Addiction Counselor… oh and I am an artist and writer… I am genuinely relieved to find out that there are others who feel like this too. Thank you so much for this video.

@johnstone7763

Жыл бұрын

That's the sign of a confident well integrated 4, likely with lots of 8 energy, rare type. Expressing your creativity publicly, writing or otherwise is key to healing yourself and many others.

This is all so accurate! But the reason why I can sometimes withdraw is because a lot of people talk about things that is so boring to me. Fx my parents always talk about work stuff and the small things and never the big in life.. When I’m sitting next to them I can feel the life getting sucked out of me :/ But now I’m in a spiritual group where I can get to talk about and engage in meaningful topics :) I’m happy about that. Greetings from Denmark!

I’m a four and I love the enneagram because I feel like I’m finally understood! So I don’t agree with fours not liking the enneagram. Most fours I know are thrilled that the enneagram can see those things that most people don’t understand. We do feel unique but mostly we want to be understood and the enneagram does a great job with that.

We have to start the work. Your lifetime will be spent waiting and preparing yet never beginning or not following through. It’s a failure to launch. It works if you work it. As Goethe said: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.’”

And my entire house is decorated with things with meaning, lol, family heirlooms, my paintings etc, lol - wow, just wow!

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

😊

@crowmedicine3890

3 жыл бұрын

Same here.

I couldn’t commend this video enough, but as detailed and accurate as your depiction is of a four, one would believe you ARE a 4!!!! Excellent help video, I’ve come back to this video soooo many times to listen again and snap myself out of my own doom. So many things you’ve made me realize. I was absolutely mind blown when you said “they show up to life”. I felt so understood listening to your pep talk. You described us to the T! Best video I’ve seen on type 4s. The best advice I’ve been given as a 4. Thank you!

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Awesome. Thanks for your kind words.

Pretty good but not as shallow as you portray us to be. We are looking for options and don’t assume that something is correct just because everyone is doing it. That is very different than having a spirit of rebellion. It is a decision to create not to rebel. You are correct that we seem nonconformist because we appreciate the independent thought and creativity that it takes to be something different. However I congratulate anyone who achieves uniqueness and am not so self absorbed to think it’s all about me. We want to create the beautiful and strive for that goal. It’s not about rebellion. We can be dark. One of my favorite arias to perform is Black Swan, it is dark and unafraid to find great beauty in deep sorrow. But I also enjoy Mozart’s lightness and joy however probably not as much as you might enjoy it as a 7. Of course my favorite Mozart work is his Requiem which is hauntingly beautiful and also his darkest. I once had a boyfriend who after listening to my music for several day turned it off, he said it was making him suicidal.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Interesting. Thanks for the response.

@TALIACORNELIUS

3 жыл бұрын

I 100000% agree with the first paragraph, well said!

@jiaogulan

3 жыл бұрын

What youre describing to me looks like the positive aspects of the four. He describes the dark side of these tendencies, because I believe the purpose of the video is to grow in awareness.

@m.s9146

3 жыл бұрын

@@jiaogulan thanks for your thoughts. However, 4s are dark with a purpose. In our dark times we are looking for meaning, this is not a aimless scattering of energy. We may sob into our tea cup but we marvel at how the tear droplets glisten on the surface and think how it reminds us of raindrops on a window pane or nestled onto to a fallen leaf. We do not dwell within that sadness unless it becomes a source of beauty or wonder. Inherent in our gloom is bloom. As I recently said to my long term Enneagram 8/wing 7 partner, “I’m just deeper than you are.” He agreed.

@jiaogulan

3 жыл бұрын

@@m.s9146 You sound like a healthy 4 :)

"4s live in a perpetual state of disappointment.." - Bingo

@JulietTheGirl

3 жыл бұрын

Yep haha

Hi there Tom, my mother is a 4 and has been obsessed with the enneagram for decades now and has always told me my whole life that I was a 4. When I was younger I didn’t pay much attention to it, I didn’t understand it well enough. My mother being a therapist, naturally gravitates towards these things. When I turned 18 I had a good long talk with her about 4’s. I finally felt like I understand why Im like this, it was reliving. She told me “Not many people think like us” and it always stuck with me ever since. I think 4’s truly want someone to just understand that we are different with our deep, sad, creative, artistic thoughts. It’s strange, I almost really badly need someone to praise what my brain thinks, like I’m that special or something (I know I’m not). Thanks for the wonderful videos it really helps with people who struggle to understand why they think certain ways.

I tested type 4 with a 5 wing. Reading the report had me feeling so called out.

@devildaddy8604

4 жыл бұрын

I feel the same. Damn it. I'm over having no sure identity.

@isnowyazn

4 жыл бұрын

@@devildaddy8604 feelings of being a plastic bag flying in the wind

@reneesolana6697

4 жыл бұрын

OMG lol that is freaking awesome. The feels are so on point. This entire comment section is really awesome actually, I want to be friends with every one of you.

The Integration part moving to one got me teary... It's really hard not to get self-absorbed

"if you're hearing this and you're a 4 you may be offended, saying 'this is not true'..." Me watching this: YES CALL ME OUT ON MY BS

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Nice

@Julia-ey4zd

4 жыл бұрын

Other fours: But Me: "I'm different than other fours"

@TheMan8719ttv

4 жыл бұрын

@@Julia-ey4zd same

I’m not even 5 minutes in, and this is so spot on that I’m literally in tears. (How very 4 of me 😂😂) Also saying to myself ‘because I AM different and amazing! I just don’t know why...’ lol!!!

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Glad you found my channel. Blessings.

The whole idea of fours having contradictory thoughts, emotions and actions - inwardly and outwardly - makes so much sense and makes me feel very understood.

Hahaha, "Eeyore", "goth" and other comparisons are made in this video. There's a lot of valuable information in here, but consistently, I see people make videos, books, podcast episodes where they try to describe the type 4 and eventually go down the road of labeling and it's hilarious. It also confirms what a lot of 4s feel (and need to not lean on) which is, "I am misunderstood."

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

thanks for the comment.

@TALIACORNELIUS

3 жыл бұрын

I agree, at first I thought it was hard for someone who is not a 4 to describe one, because they may know how we act but not WHY. But this guy has done the best description and advice I have seen on youtube! Fuck I wish I was normal now hahaha

"Don't wait till you're in the right mood" is exactly what i need to hear. Thank you!

I. LOVE. THIS. CHANNEL!!! As a 4, I have managed to dig myself into a dark melacholy hole lately, and out of sheer desperation, I just searched for Enneagram 4 on KZread. I stumbled across this channel and the videos I've watched so far have been completely mind-blowing! I already identified myself as a 4 but didn't dig into it too far so I didn't really understand it. The statement about self-discipline being the easel/canvas but not the art.....brilliant! That whole concept was so freeing! Thank you for your amazing ability to teach us about ourselves!

Being a four , when i found out that fours are rarest type i was so happy 'YAYY I AM RARE' Idk if others would relate, but ig it is what it feels like when you are a four.

@nerdyoutube7847

4 жыл бұрын

It’s kind of sad because I feel like I’d connect best with fours

@Its_13LOO

4 жыл бұрын

I did this exactly...

@gozdenur9776

3 жыл бұрын

I felt like this too

As a four I feel I was destined to confront my shadow self and master it. This analysis is completely accurate. I redesign every space I walk into in my mind, and my home has to be a particular way, down to every single detail. I feel lost in environments that don’t reflect the way I want to feel or reflect feelings that make me uncomfortable. This is sooooo good. Thank you for helping us.

The funeral part is over the top.

@Jerri.Blank.9674

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah, it makes 4s sound psychopathic.

@aubreegriffith8426

3 жыл бұрын

As a 4, it's really not far from reality. I am self-conscious with pretty bad anxiety though, so although I would most likely never do something like laugh out loud at a funeral so as not to draw attention to myself, I would ABSOLUTELY be thinking thoughts about death and the absurdity of the charade, such as was mentioned by @Dr. Tom Lahue

@merryinfires5295

Ай бұрын

EXACTLY. I was watching this like wtf is wrong with these people ?!

Wow, this was THE BEST and most insightful tough love type 4 talk I’ve ever received! Perfect timing, too. I was cringing, laughing out loud (several times-needed that!), and ended up feeling very empowered by your clear understanding and guidance. Thank you, Dr. Tom LaHue 🙏

Steps to healing for type 4: 1. Don't pay so much attention to your stormy feelings. They come and they go. Let it pass. Don't equate your identity with what you fell. 2. Avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood. You're happiest when you're working. You're happiest when you lose the search for identity and just show up for life and do what needs to be done. 3. Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences whether you believe you are ready for them or not. 4. Practice self-discipline. Sleep at regular hours, eat a regular diet, ecercise regularly. 5. Avoid lengthy conversations in your own imagination. 6. Talk openly with someone you trust: Find someone you can be authentic with that will not run away from you when you show these deep things, who'll let you be yourself and let you talk and walk in relationship with that person. 7. Serve others. You'll become less self-conscious and have a better perspective of yourself when you're making a contribution to others. Get involved in some way in pouring life out for other people. You will find yourself when you lose yourself by serving others. 8. Refuse the tendency to dig up the past. Complaining about your parents and thoughts about your unhappy childhood (which is characteristic of 4s) and your unfulfilled past and unfulfilled relationships. It is hard for people to live up to the idealised standard/dreams. But just because you had a difficult upbringing does not mean that you're allowed to live with different expectations than everybody else. 9. Resist the tendency to take everything so personally. Everything is not an attack at you/not aimed at you. And even if someone did intend to harm you at some point, you can get over it. A critical or hostile remark about you does not reflect the whole truth about you. It's just somebody's opinion at the moment. Let it go. Usually, people are so preoccupied worrying about themselves that they are not even thinking about you. The more you dwell on the harsh things said about you, the more unhealthy you'll become. Let yourself move. Give yourself permission to move on. 10. Be aware of how harsh you talk to yourself. Try to become a friend of yourself.

@nguyenmy3864

3 жыл бұрын

The number 6, I have no one like that...You may think because I am 4 so I think nobody understands me, but actually I did try to be open about myself but just like didn’t get responses or sympathy...

@gozdenur9776

3 жыл бұрын

@@nguyenmy3864 i can relate to this

@gozdenur9776

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you

"You know you are a person of worth because someone came and rescued you." This is the role that Christ plays in my life.

Not only did I stick through the end, but I saved it and plan on listening to it again and again. This is second time. :) thank you so so much for this. A not quite healthy 4 😄

@gt3420

Жыл бұрын

Did it help?

@kelyrin-douceuretdessin9476

Жыл бұрын

@@gt3420 hi ! definitely 😍😍 this, combined to therapy + medication (found out through all this self discovery/self work that I have a mood disorder) gave me the tools to understand myself much better and figure out how to be a more healthy version of me. Which I am now ! 😍 I use these tools every day and go back to this video once in a while when I feel like I need it 🥰 is this the first time you hear it ? Are you a 4 too ? Hope this helps ! Lmk if you have any questions ! ☺️

@gt3420

Жыл бұрын

@@kelyrin-douceuretdessin9476 Yeah, I’m 16 and have a bit of skepticism when it comes to personality tests but this one was shockingly accurate. I’ve known for about 3-4 years that I’ve been very mentally unwell and that I need to find a way to deal with it. Often times I feel I’m so hypersensitive that I purposely isolate from people as to not get emotionally wounded and then get frustrated with the feeling of being so unhealthy that I have to do that unlike other people. I recently told my mom for the first time that I felt like overcoming the hurdles was way too hard and that I think I need a therapist which is incredibly hard for me because I’ve always found it incredibly difficult to ask for help. I struggle with feeling “not normal” or not “childlike” I’ve always felt much more mature and serious than other kids and when I was younger I thought that was a great quality but as I get older I’m slowly realizing that seems to stem from some type of trauma. I’m thinking it’s coming from a childhood full of stress where I was deprived of the right to be carefree and lighthearted and able to simply just exist and that’s what’s causing my issues now. Particularly with potential romantic relationships I find myself shutting down all possibilities even though I’d really really want them, similar to keeping people at arms length once I realize I’m interested in them or they’re interested in me.

I am an almost 70-year-old 4 & melancholy, despondent, etc. about current world events. I am not, however fearful. This is perfect timing to discover you & this video!!!

@themustang360

4 жыл бұрын

Aww bless your heart 🥰

@gozdenur9776

3 жыл бұрын

Hello Vera I’m a 4 and in my mid-twenties, i just want to ask you some questions. Are you married? If you are how did you manage to keep it working? Do you have kids, if you have what kind of a mother are you and do you have a good relationship with your kid(s)? I am asking these questions because i feel like i will always be single and never have the happiness of having a child and being a mom because of my characteristics and some of my weird behaviors. I just wonder if there are 4s especially with a 5 wing that have a good family life.

@giveme24hrs72

2 жыл бұрын

@Gozde Nur, I would advise that you don't have kids until you r married. I got married in my mid 20s and now I'm in my mid 30s (and we have 5kids). What behaviors of yours r you most concerned about when it comes to a marriage relationship and relationship with kids? This has been the hardest 10 years of my life (cuz I've had to grow)....it has really helped to have a quality man tho.

Sir, you have absolutely no idea how much all of this just helped me. I'll admit that it was difficult to watch because the truths you spoke stung and I felt vulnerable but I really needed this. This was posted 2 years ago but even then, I'm grateful you took out the time do this. Thank you so much.

Omg just realized why I tease my friends so much for doing things I consider weird but also love my friends so much for doing things I don’t understand or consider weird. Very difficult to explain it is all in appreciation of their individuality tho lol

Sir, you read me like an open book 🙌🏾

4w5 here. I'm not sure if I'm happy seeing all these 4s exist. You know what I mean...

“You don’t need to go to Boulder, Colorado to find yourself...” Wow, this resonates so much. Thank you, this has been so helpful 🙏🏽

@LovaLova808

4 жыл бұрын

Haha. Keep Boulder weird.

@bloodSCARSandMCR

4 жыл бұрын

Dude i seriously did and my response after 9 months was "get me the fuck out of Boulder."

@MitchellM929

4 жыл бұрын

I'm from the UK and was just this morning thinking 'man I want to take a trip around the lake District'....I'm guessing the same thing applies :D

@TV-wy1py

4 жыл бұрын

Guess I'll go unload the car now..was packed up and ready to go but nooo..this video popped up in my feed..damn it Bobby🤦🏽‍♀️

@wam6465

4 жыл бұрын

I moved to California to find myself! Haha

Thank you so much. I'm married to a 4. All that you have said is true and I have mention 98% percent of what you mentioned. I felt lucky because I know my wife. How to help them was very helpful, now I can love her even more.

@alexleon1756

3 жыл бұрын

That’s awesome that you’re willing to understand her better! She will appreciate you so much more for it

This 1 hour has truly been so eye-opening for me. Thanks so much Dr. Tom!

Just discovering the Enneagram today and I was shocked at how accurately it describes my personality and life habits. I’ve been spinning my wheels and sabotage my relationships for the last 4 years. Living in my car and running from society. The enneagram model has really helped me understand my personality. What blessing it is to have this tool at my disposal now. Thank you very much for sharing all of this information. It is greatly appreciated!

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

I am so glad to help. Blessings.

I’m a 4w5 and I’m very much aware of wanting to be different. Even in art, I don’t want to be like another unique songwriter or when it comes to fashion. I don’t do tattoos or piercings it’s a popular side trend now. I listen to some mainstream music but it doesn’t hit me the same way, it’s like being annoyed how I can’t just enjoy it. It’s not always just saying oh I’m not into that because everyone else is, sometimes I just want that experience too and I can’t get it

This is really helpful. I have been getting really into discipline lately, and just showing up for the mundane. That really does appear to be the solution whenever I feel ungrounded. David Goggins videos and philosophy has been really helpful for this. This video gave me a lot more ideas and reaffirmed what I see as the path to healing.

This was beyond anything I've seen about myself and the enneagram, I am in tears and just can't thank you enough!!!!!

You nailed it❤ understanding myself better made my life easier. That inner voice keeps telling me exactly what you mentioned now I'm a believer ❤❤ thank you

I feel so exposed by someone I have never met. I'm repulsed with myself. I sound so conceited. I even tried to do the test again. Ugh

@TALIACORNELIUS

3 жыл бұрын

I retook the test too when I found out lol

@jiaogulan

3 жыл бұрын

Hang in there. Self awareness is a great gift!

@crowmedicine3890

3 жыл бұрын

I hate to see people saying they're disgusted or repulsed by themselves. It's a struggle. I know. You are not alone.

Hmm I guess I now understand why I don’t feel like I identify with my job. I’m a hairdresser, makeup artist, barber, and bartender... I also run a pop up coffee and comic shop with my husband 😅 I do a LOT of things but I never feel I’m the best at my “job” and self critical but also know I do all these things very well. I just don’t like to label myself as such because my job doesn’t identify ME.

@ginagiselle1

3 жыл бұрын

Im a hairdresser, too! But first I got a BA that I will NEVER use! 👎 😅It’s kind of great being a stylist for a four considering the absence of a filter that 99% of clients have- therapists get all the good stuff.😂Anyways, it sucks to not have THE ONE THING that we are great at...”something always missing” but at least with hair I think people identify me with SOMETHING rather than nothing. My self preservation 4ness likes to appear to have some purpose even if I don’t actually feel that way!

Thank you so much for this video.💕Finally someone who is understanding, intelligent and complex in his approach when explaining a type 4, instead of the usual, simplified, judgmental type 4 stereotyped full of cliche videos. I felt that you completely managed to catch the core of my being. What an inspirational and uplifting message. So apparently, there is hope for us.🙏

Thanks so much for this! To anyone else who watches stay for those last five minutes, such good advice!

Thank you for the tips at the end. They were very helpful to me. I can do them. This entire video has been very helpful to me! I’m a 4! 😬😭😛 🥰😂 I really appreciate that you didn’t speak in a judgements tone but stated issues we deal with directly. I needed that. I have been on a “authentic” search for my “real” self no realizing I was getting caught up in my own patterns. 😳 I still remember several years ago I had a flash of insight telling me that discipline was going to be one of my headrest life lesson and it would also be a sign on growth if i achieved it.

@alexleon1756

3 жыл бұрын

Same here, discipline is the hardest thing to achieve for me

@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios

3 жыл бұрын

alex leon i was contemplating this all week. Was wondering what other 4’s might find helpful. Have you found something that helped??

@alexleon1756

3 жыл бұрын

@@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios weirdly enough ... Nike’s slogan ‘Just do it’ has helped me. Its like stop overthinking everything and just get to it.

@madridboo5928

3 жыл бұрын

Working on this. It's an incredible feat.

I'm about half way through this and this upload so far, is a mostly accurate description of 4's, compared with others-even against the uploads of panels of 4's. There is a bit preoccupation in the video with 4's who "don't wear jeans", "don't listen to country", "don't eat Mexican" etc etc etc. There are 4's who do that...I think mostly maybe as juveniles. It's true that surrounding ourselves with beautiful or other intense artistic "props" is partly connected to stimulating emotions we identify with, in search of our identity, but you touched on it when you pointed out the need for significance. In searching for the need to be significant, worthy, valuable, meaningful. This is a large part of the subconscious need for props. The "props" they felt connected to or significant or appreciative of they may keep sentimentally to 'represent' who they are because they (or we) hope to ALSO be significant. So if we can make the prop represent our identity, in lower unhealthy states, they take personally sometimes a rejection of these representations of our identity. Because that must mean "I" am rejected. This will hurt more when it comes from someone the 4 values more, someone more significant in their lives. But on the whole I feel the speaker attempted to genuinely present an objective and clear description with compassion to the best of his ability, not being a 4 😊👍🏻 *I don't take offense or take it personally, but I would like to state that any 4 who went to family functions, and most certainly a FUNERAL, EVEN if its not necessarily BELOVED family members, and SNICKERED and belittled their family who's grieving would most definitely be in a downward spiral of cynicism! That surely seems to contradict the previous observation that 4's are 'there' for those who are down and hurting and will walk through darkness and empathize with them. 😑🤔 ...but that depiction seems a bit of something a very very unhealthy juvenile or immature adolescent 4 might potentially do 🤦🏼‍♀️

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

I appreciate your comments. thanks.

@marienguessan8520

4 жыл бұрын

I agree, I felt as if we are seen as psychopaths.

Thank you. You have such a great voice and temperament to heal my thinging. You're an excellent teacher. Your words hit me with surgical accuracy. I wish you more recognition, satisfaction and joy. Greetings from the EU 🇫🇮

This is so fantastically helpful and insightful. Thank you so much for having the courage and commitment to put out such a long and detailed video! It was worth it for me.

lol this video almost makes me hate myself for being a type 4. we sound repulsive... omg

@allieduggan4461

4 жыл бұрын

the family reunion part... YES. THIS IS ME. Now I understand why I feel this way. Thank you.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

I hope that it is helpful...The Enneagram can be quite brutal.

@Al3jajandra

4 жыл бұрын

@@twlahue it is helpful :)

@bez1196

4 жыл бұрын

@@allieduggan4461 I didn't want to accept it at first and was very much repulsed by the description. Even disturbed.

@jeanaallison7236

4 жыл бұрын

True dat! 😊

I'm surprised that others would get offended over this information (Is that pretty typical 4 of me?). Happy to explore all the corners. This was very useful, thank you.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks

My goodness, some of this was so accurate that I literally laughed out loud and nodded vigorously. Very helpful and informative work.

... you Tom are my the absolute favorite enneagram explorer. The spiritual depth you always include in your playful and honest illustrations measures the class of the Richard Rohr's lectures. Additionally you address the ocean of this phenomenal system's intricacies that I so craved to keep exploring. Your vlogs are my favorite entertainment, the favorite comedy club, the confessional, the chess game, the meditation, the forgiveness and the generosity maturing training, the liturgy for the inner peace cultivating. the Enneagram Gliding School really. Thank you for your prolific channel.

Hello Dr Tom! Around the 28 minute mark, you mention trying to understand why 4's use 'props' (accurate word for it too haha), and I think I can clarify for you. Surrounding myself with specific art, with specific props that move me, helps me feel *understood*, like someone exists who gets me, or at least understands part of me. It's not a desire for control, but a desperate need for understanding, and finding comfort in that understanding; to express externally what is happening internally, and to be *seen*. Control, at least for me, doesn't factor into it. For reference, I'm 4w5 SP (and I know the SP part now thanks to your videos, so thank you!)

man im gonna have to watch this again and take notes. homie said things i am just now realizing about myself :(

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks

i just watched this incredible video. As a 4w5 it deeply resonated with my soul and it felt so good to be seen, heard and felt. I like the way you deliver the info. I feel less alone knowing that there are a whole bunch of people in the world experiencing the ups and downs of being a 4. This video gave me hope. And it made me feel necessary in the world. Thank you Dr Tom. Very grateful to you 👍

I’ve known about the Enneagram for years but needed reminding. This explains my daily struggles very accurately. Fantastic video.

I remember moving from LA to Austin and the plan was my sister and I would buy a house together. I was still living in LA so I could not house hunt with her. I dreaded that she might find and settle for a cookie-cutter house that was the same as everyone else’s. 😂

I wish this was taught in school. I imagine many 4's could avoid antidepressants and the like.

Thank you so much for helping me understand my brother. My family and I have always struggle with him and this lights a torch in the way.

I don't know how anyone can resist the Enneagram or sent it, to me it is a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels and think the way I do. It makes me feel connected :)

Unbelievably accurate and in line with my knowledge and experience. Moving towards health, by lessening neuroticism and empowering conscientiousness, will be my challenge. I really wish to know how all these works, but I see the trap of over-analyzing and impracticality. So, I won't delve into this Riso-Hudson book which I downloaded just yet; Instead, I shall wash the dishes and try to sleep a little bit sooner than dawn!

Dr. Tom Thank you!!! I have been trying to figure myself out for decades!! This has helped me so very much! Life is not as serious as I have been taking it.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Glad you found this channel. Blessings.

@twlahue

4 жыл бұрын

Glad you found this channel. Blessings.

During this video I was crying, laughing and nodding with my head. I was watching this more than three hours, with a lot of pauses, because I wanted all of this to sink elegantly deep in me. I'm speechless. Thank you so much! Everything that you said resonates with me, completely! Since I said to myself that I want the truth and that I don't wanna live in my head (that much), everything is getting better... I'm still learning. It's a life long journey, but it's great to be aware for all of this! That's why I'm sooooo grateful that enneagram exists! This helps me with my creative work too! It's just awesome! Accepting that others can really see me. And even if they don't see me, it's wonderful to be around them (I'm still processing this part) ...So thank you, thank you, thank you!

This video is so helpful! I return to rewatch it, especially for the advice on showing up to life at the end 🌸