It’s painful to accept that this reality is my reality. Went no contact 6mos ago. I feel like I’m sifting through the wreckage. Still. I have to remind myself that this went on for nearly 4 decades undetected and be gentle and kind with myself and my healing process.

@michiganmymichigan

6 ай бұрын

🌼 Be you. Healing and growing is the payoff for the work. ❤

@iwal1645

6 ай бұрын

I'm 30 years in, i just heard about Radical Acceptance. Can you offer any good advice for men like me, who has been isolating myself from her for a few months, it's like acclimating but the insults and loud yelling still hurts. Can you offer some advice?

@pinkposey8134

6 ай бұрын

You Have Got This!

@esch3517

6 ай бұрын

@@iwal1645Sometimes you hear also a yelling voice from your childhood. This is why it hurts so much. Sometimes I am also yelling instead of getting totally confused by interacting with my narcissistic husband.

@MohamedTuuraaye-cl5oy

6 ай бұрын

Redical acceptance is essential but sometimes you can't scape to work hard to manage your mind. Having self talk games that's on point, When you are doing hard things or feel vulnerable, in that situation depends on how do you talk to your self, which language do you use and you need to know the language you need to hear from your self, through those really tough situations to feel passionate in your own life.

Radical acceptance is a skill designed to keep pain from turning into suffering.

@rcomyns4664

6 ай бұрын

Good way to put it. ❤

@tp2005

6 ай бұрын

This is such a great way to put it.

@janislonsdaleleader3078

6 ай бұрын

Radical acceptance isn't a skill; it's a stage in recovery. It's a pre-frontal cortex function. It isn't an emotional response; it's an intellectual response. It helps move you forward, in recovery, because, fundamentally, it's an acknowledgement of a painful truth, which is, you were never important as a human being; you were a source of supply. It's a brutal truth and hard to digest but until you come to that realization, intellectually/rationally, forward movement is stalled. Grief, pain, suffering? They're emotionally based which is initiated and controlled in different regions of the brain. Radical acceptance is a requirement, for sure, for future healing, but it doesn't mitigate pain, grief or suffering. These are two entirely different experiences which rarely run in parallel.

@rosemaryclarke2348

6 ай бұрын

Unfortunately you are so right; the pain is still there though, you just no longer acknowledge it.😢

@carlag.475

6 ай бұрын

This is so true ❤️

You don't realize how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

@cassandraland5216

3 ай бұрын

I'm tired of being strong. I want to rest.

I'm on five years not interacting with my sibling for the holidays. It's so peaceful. I'm acclimating.

@MetallicGunmetalPeugeot

6 ай бұрын

Someday ill be free of their trolling ❤❤

@2blackcatz426

6 ай бұрын

Same told them i dont do xmas but ill still get super hoovered

@2blackcatz426

6 ай бұрын

Great anology thanks dr ramani

@malwads1836

6 ай бұрын

I hope you enjoy the view up there🙂👍🏻

@KS0102

6 ай бұрын

​@@malwads1836 Wow. What an ignorant comment.

After being in a narcissistic relationship, even when someone compliments you, you feel like you don’t deserve such compliment. Sometimes even positive words feel like they hurt you, almost like hearing negative things has become your norm.

@persevere777

6 ай бұрын

I find that when i hear compliments from people, i dont hear praise or appreciation in my mind, i hear sarcasim.........and the embarrassment, that i made someone expell the energy to lower themselves to thank me......

@TheDarkPlace00

6 ай бұрын

@@persevere777 Almost feels like backhanded compliments.

@jannlewandowski5540

6 ай бұрын

JL, I can totally relate to you. You can't believe when someone tells you that you look good,or, your hair looks nice. I do get it.🌺❤️

@persevere777

6 ай бұрын

Untill i build up trust in that person, all compliments sound the same, and even with trust there is still doubt

@denisedevoto5703

6 ай бұрын

I have a difficult time believing the compliments. I just have trouble trusting in general.

I went no contact with my father for over 10 years with only two exceptions: 1) when I helped my mother move to my house in Colorado and in his last 6 weeks of life. I accepted his being a narcissist back when I was about 26 (although I had no idea how to care for myself). When I went back to help him at the end, I was about 95% business and limited conversation with him whenever I was around him. I had finally figured out how he was working to manipulate me. I had finally adjusted and accepted that no one and nothing could ever fix him. But I could fix myself.

… I found myself grieving without a body after leaving a 50 year marriage and surrounded by widows and widowers. Radical acceptance does not take away the pain or the grief.

@jeremyhickling

6 ай бұрын

Yeah...It can help preventing it from happening further though

It’s easy to accept things for what it is. But once the poison had already set in, it becomes very challenging to have to live with the pain and the wounds that still linger.

😢 yes. Grief persists because you have to radically accept the reality of past, current and future challenges that this terrain presents.

I would much rather be slapped in the face and blindsided with normalcy and feel the peace that passes all understanding then to linger in the slow burn of someone else's mental illness

… This is your best video yet for me. It’s a WOW …

Brilliant. Radical Acceptance is not a cure, but it is a skill that takes time to learn. Awesome analogy.

Since I started my radical acceptance journey it almost feels like I'm going back to being a teenager or a child on an emotional level. Meaning that everything feels new and RAW. Instead of avoiding people I'm choosing to enjoy living in my own space. It was painful for the first couple months but it's getting more comfortable now. It does feel good to be able to feel my emotions again and not be ashamed of it. I feel more human now

It's a destructive, exhausting leveling. Then you have to rebuild and relearn. Everything.

Thank you! I guess I came to radical acceptance at age 70! I decided one day that I would accept each person as they were and not what I wanted them to be! I am joyful for what I receive but desire nothing more from them! These people will be what they are and I know how to meet my own needs outside of them! I also have purged my life from toxic people if at all possible! ❤❤

I went no contact and and then low contact with radical acceptance but DAMN does the grief still slap around the holidays... it's only been 3 years so I'm being gentle with myself, but it's so hard.

@angelicamaster7764

6 ай бұрын

Yes. Holidays a so hard. I'm at almost 3 years post divorce. I miss ex in-laws and all the decorations and parties. I got a tiny Christmas tree, maybe will decorate. ❤

Armchair climber here. I love when Dr Ramani shares nerdy details about herself! Christmas at "basecamp" can be bitter sweet, for sure. I adore this analogy, and am going to hang Christmas lights on my little tent. Making sure I have enough oxygen bottles, and hot cocoa, to make it through the steep climb until New Years. Just booked a modest beach getaway for February...which should help with any lingering frostbite!

@vickit3124

6 ай бұрын

Yes!!!! 😊💐💕

You are right dr Ramani. The radical acceptance is also coming to terms with the idea that the grief might always be there. We also need to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves time and love and self-care and not to push ourselves beyond what we are capable of at a given time. We need to acclimatisize to the different circumstances. Thank you dr Ramani. God bless you❤

"This isn't going to change, so make your decisions on that basis." Yes. The pain is often from my own wishing things were different. The question is how can I make different choices so that my spirit feels safe? Remove myself at times of high stress? For me the big challenge was recognizing my own exhaustion in adapting to a narcissist and finding a way to make the space/rest I need. IF I can live my own protective boundaries I can acclimatize. But, why would I choose that life... if I have the possibility of leaving.

As a mountain kid myself, I love love love this analogy❤ What a journey ⛰️ Thank you, Dr. Ramani for being a people's people and choosing to help us 🙏😊

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your videos have helped me so much. I'm 6 months into the process of leaving and grieving for my lost 15-year relationship with a neglectful narcissist. I'm getting through it with the love and cold reality from my friends, and also a really good therapist. I'm still feeling devastated that I have nothing to show for all the love and devotion I spent on this person, but I'm determined not to be vengeful. I'm sadder but wiser, but I'm also finally starting to fly. ❤️

@Ysmfotografie

6 ай бұрын

Same here. The last contact i wrote him what it did to me to suffer by his outrages anger. As a result off all the things that happend in seven years between us , i am back in a trauma off beeing fysicly abused in my young years. His rage when things did not go his way made me silence when i needed to speak up. He agreed that he made mistakes in the past ( in a email back to me) but he had also his own problems and when i started to attack him now, we would talk about this in front of a lawyer. To agree and to disagree in the same time, to intimidate me with there agressief family laywer made me feel that there is no way at all to connect with this energy. He is the nice guy narcisist. The spiritual narcisist to. The guru. He once coached me ( he is a life-coach) on fear and freezing when confrontated by agression . Because of my past ( i was strungled by a psychopath) and he was good at it. I trusted him and fell in love. I thought he would be the last one who aprouch me agressief. He turned out to be the one to who made me freeze or flight when he transformated in the green Hulk with his eyes turned black. To be now in acceptance will help me. At least to know there is no real emphathy. It is cold emphathy. To me thats a fake one.

This is exactly what I'm going through and couldn't articulate to others. This episode brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the work you do and for sharing your talent and passion.

I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of finding Dr. Ramani's work and finally understanding why my 20 plus year marriage was so utterly difficult. It was a life-changing moment to discover my spouse was a grandiose narcissist through and through. The journey of radical acceptance is a hard one and the climbing analogy really helps. Some days I feel so strong and others I am wrecked. Now I'll just see that as moving up to a new altitude in my climb to radical acceptance and freedom. Thank you so much for all you have taught me and many others. I'm making plans to celebrate my anniversary!

Thank you for this video Dr. Ramani! I found it extremely helpful in my goal to achieve radical acceptance in my painful 29 year marriage to a malignant narcissist. ❤

It's one thing to expect terrible treatment from someone you loved. Quite another to actually experience the depths they will go to hurt you. I will never not feel shocked and stung by how much my mom hates me and wants me to feel pain.

@kriswinters4225

6 ай бұрын

My Mom is a grandiose narcissst, but I was the scapegoat of the family so most of her narcissstic rage was directed at me and it was always hurled harder at me than at her 2 other kids. I used to think for years that if I could just know WHY she despised me so much then I could feel closure, but the more I learned about narcissstic abuse the more I admitted that even if I were to someday know why that would *not* bring closure for me and that really the scars from her neverending abuse won't ever go away. I did find though that what does help is reminding myself I do know the How and understand it now. I don't just cry anymore when I ask How Can My Mother Call Me Such Terrible Things, Never Acknowledge, Emotionally Invalidate and Gaslight Me for Saying I Am/Was Hurt, and KEEP ON DOING IT Without Remorse. I say the answer: Because this is a Narcissst, I am not a person to her, I never have been, she viewed me only as a tool, she always has, she always will, and this will never change - But her choices to do this say nothing about me. They just tell me everything I will ever need to know about her.

@thewoundedhealer4950

6 ай бұрын

You and me both. For me it’s my mother & brother. They did the unimaginable to my dad. They blocked him from changing his will. They, mother and brother, are ‘happily married’ with my dad dead and me, far away, broke, and there’s no remorse, and no accountability for what they did. They destroyed my dad from the inside out (Alzheimer’s, which I now understand was the result of narcissistic abuse), and made sire to ‘cash in’ for themselves. It’s horrendous what they did. I couldn’t see it, only till after my dad died. That’s when the puzzle pieces came falling out of the sky. Horrendous verbal, emotional and psychological abuse I endured, and why? Their financial abuse, i.e. them blocking my dad from changing his will, is what my mother unwittingly confessed to. And, now I am blamed for finding out what they did. Heinous, hideous, insidious, malicious and more of that. And of course, for all they are concerned, I can starve, and follow my dad.

Thank you for this. Divine timing as I’m planning a bigger hike in July 2024. I’m smack in the middle of radical acceptance. I’ll use the acclimating for both process.

At the moment, I am conquering radical acceptance! And it is all because of you ❤ Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I feel like I harnessed a super power, after 4 years of hard work 🙌

@LeiraHdezP

3 ай бұрын

Did u break the relationship?

@artifundio1

3 ай бұрын

@cameroncameron2826 poor thing, are you campaigning?

@artifundio1

3 ай бұрын

@@LeiraHdezP yes, I got divorced almost years ago. Dr Ramani is the best!

Thank You! This is happening in my life and it is very difficult. We premise how we are going to be with our siblings when we are young. It is a story we tell ourselves, and how it plays out; often is not what we told ourselves. A parent had this dream of us (kids) all being together in life. Then realization comes in, we are all so different people that radical acceptance is letting that be the case. To realize the perfect childhood story your told yourself, then reinforced by a parent is not going to manifest with siblings. A life lesson in progress, Thank you! And appreciate all the comments, it really helps the journey.

Hi Dr Ramani. You get to a point in your life that when someone compliments you, you can't believe it. When i was with my narc for 5 years, in the very BEGINNNG he gave me 1 compliment. He said i had nice eyes. In 5 years, he never noticed when i got my hair styled, or wore something new. NEVER..However, he made sure i saw him checking out our waitress.

This is such a wonderful video! I wish I had this when I was getting out of a 10 year nightmare that was my marriage. The hardest part is accepting and then getting out. It took everything I had and more. In retrospect, I had all the regrets for allowing it to go on as long as it had, but I was out! Like Dr Ramani said, be gentle to yourselves! Allow yourself time Best of luck to all who are going through this! You are NOT alone...

I’m fine with my a**hole parents and lack of support, but when my friends talk about their parents and what they do with them or how they complain they have no time to spend with them due to college and these colleges are supported from every basic angle and beyond , I get extremely sad and angry. Each time I say I have no energy to deal with the load of work, they say “work harder, do you think I want to spend my weekends doing this instead of … stay outside” or “ do you think I wanted to work while i could have spent time with my parents?” The last one sent me, i did not react, but hours later it still eats me and part of me think I’m a bad person for thinking like that. How can a person be so out of this world and how can I deal with these kinds of situations without feeling horrible ?

@KarolinaKARO13

6 ай бұрын

I feel you, I just got the same talk the other day with friend who was complaing that she will not see her awesome parents on Christmas and it's her first time ever in life... I was like, girl, you're 34, you just get married, get a life, I don't want to see my mother ever again, but I didn't tell her that, cause she will never understand. I cry a lot when she left and I still feel bad, angry, sad and resentful and yes, jealous of a normal parent. I pray because honestly without God I will be dead already. The pain is unimaginable and it hurt more when you know you cannot share it with others. I cry with Jesus and He is crying with me. Love from Poland

You are right, thank you for the honesty of the reality of this evil. I have been on this healing journey for thirty years. I live with my supporting parents for twenty, I have made minor important improvements and I celebrate. I pray for instant miracle every day. Genesis 15; Mark 1 and 3 and 5 Psalm 3 and 30 and 103 and 144. I read The Holy Bible and take notes and be motivated.

@mac-ju5ot

6 ай бұрын

Ty for enclosing something I do feel helps me spiritually..I also cared for my parents as a parental ized child. Yes it's not fair....in sad ways it's a relief the pain is over.....it's taken me thirty years.The grief doesn't go away it just gets acceptable

@jeanmariedenning62

6 ай бұрын

I’ve prayed the 46 Days of the 46 stars on Mary’s Mantle protecting us from evil creatures . It is a game changer . The narcissist is a personification of a demon . Lies , deception, gaslighting, believing his illusions are more important than honesty or respect , or love ! Spiritual truth and comfort is real Life!!

@mac-ju5ot

6 ай бұрын

@@jeanmariedenning62 thank u.i use the rosemary It works.

I work in the mountains, and it's nothing to have several rooms with guests who are under the weather because of the altitude. They have to get oxygen sometimes. It's kind of a good metaphor for "rest and breathe" for a bit while you adjust to the new height (revelation).

Thank you so much for this video. It came right when I needed it and explained the journey to healing so well. I'm adjusting/acclimatizing on the mountain right now. Had months of extreme narcissistic behaviour from my Father while my Mother was dying in hospital and it's left me scared to be around my Father. Through the whole time myself and my sister were able to predict our Father's behaviour etc before it happened and we realized this was because it was our "normal" to live with this. Next week we have the Crematorium Service for my Mother and then contact will be severed with our Father in order for us to heal and start climbing to the peak of the mountain and hopefully enjoy life with a spectacular view. X

@user-dp3mo2uh1n

6 ай бұрын

That’s awesome you have anyone with you… my dad just passed I saw it happen and I was irrelevant and my brother and sister never believed me and they all gather other side of the world and I’m dragged through the mud continuously especially now

100% agree. Dr. Ramani explained this really well. It has been 4 years so far (since the discard)... definitely a slow process. I was in denial and false hope and trauma bonded for most of those 4 years. Until I finally "radically accepted" he is not changing... until i finally started living in reality. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot.

Thank you for posting this during the holidays, it's not easy for those from narcissistic or toxic family systems.

Dr. Ramani, Thank you. My narcissistic daughter (50) dropped me (80), and accepting is hard. Radical acceptance is 😢hard. Going forward and finding new goals and values. God bless you ❤️

@nancyrukavena6992

6 ай бұрын

Join a group, seek therapy, practice your religion, start a hobby. This might be difficult when you're 80, and perhaps don't drive, but call a taxi, and get out there! You may make a few friends who would be happy to pick you up in the future. I'm so sorry for this terrible void in your life. At your age, it's seems more cruel to lose a child in this way. Staying busy will help you acclimate. ❤

Thanks Dr. Ramani, because I failed miserably on Thanksgiving. I had practiced ‘DEEP’ but blew it and engaged after my narc golden-child sister began her usual state of ‘holding court’ and I called her out on her passive-aggressive lies. It did not serve me and I felt shame. I have a lot of leveling up to do but this video helped me feel like I am still on the path to healing.

Even when radical acceptance seems to be where you’re at, doing well, etc., one small thing can and will knock you to your knees. And you’ll wonder what the hell is going on. Maybe not if it’s an ex, but if it’s your kid forget it. It will happen.

@rcomyns4664

6 ай бұрын

So so true. We bend over backwards to get along, and zap! TG for gray rock, radical acceptance and Dr Ramani !!

@rubberbiscuit99

6 ай бұрын

It seems like things come up to be healed when I am ready to heal them, but I never feel prepared for them when they show up. When you carry a lot of wounds, it takes a long time for them to heal.

@pamwhitehouse5961

6 ай бұрын

❤😢True.

Thank you so much, dear Dr Ramani! You are a gift to humanity!

yes it's harder when you are still in relationship with them than if you have gone NC. They catch you off guard with their mind games or crazy making behavior or anger. You have to catch yourself reacting and immediately go grey rock. It's exhausting. Then accept the truth all over again, grieving what it can never be.

Just what I am struggling with last night and this morning. I fear if I cannot overcome it. It's going to ruin the rest of what little life I have left.

@SheilaChung-rt5iy

6 ай бұрын

I feel the same way. I’m always so nervous to be around him😢

Wow, this is something I needed today! Thank you doctor Ramani for EVERYTHING you do!

Thank you! This is such a great addition to radical acceptance. I've always struggled with the idea a bit, because there's the aha moment(s) and then there's the long road that is totally painful and difficult and often feels like, but I already accepted, why am I still struggling with this or that aspect. And while I've learned grace and self compassion, I still get the voices, internal and external, that suggest if I would just accept the way things are I wouldn't be feeling any of the things about it. Thank you for reminding us it's getting acclimated, and even still doesn't mean you'll run a full marathon at altitude. As that is too much, and even "regular" things at altitude when acclimated might feel difficult and painful at times. Our bodies don't stop feeling when we acclimatize, they adjust to feeling at altitude. Same for our psyche etc.

Radical acceptance can be truly transformative! It's all about embracing reality as it is, without judgment or resistance. The process of acclimatizing to this mindset might feel challenging at first, but as you gradually integrate it into your life, you'll notice a shift in perspective. It's liberating to acknowledge that some things are beyond our control and that accepting them doesn't mean approval but rather a step towards inner peace. Keep practicing, and you'll find its power in fostering resilience and emotional well-being!

Love this affirming analogy! It takes *time* to heal, but the time will pass anyway, and a few steps at a time can lead to beautiful new vistas! We're *already* on our way! Thank you for being such a great guide, Dr. Ramani! 🌈😃❤🌄

Acclimation for climbing is an excellent metaphor for fully engaging in radical acceptance! Super important to stay the course while aiming for radical acceptance too, as it can feel like a huge loss of the relationship and the person you thought you had.

PS: I drove from Texas to Colorado to climb their highest peak. I didn't acclimate. It was tough, but I pushed through. We got this.

I love this analogy. Analogies and examples are the best way for me to learn. I get it! Thank you!!! I’m in the heat of it, and disappointed in myself when I lapse and get angry. This helped me to understand that it’s a process. A long process. Patience grasshopper.

Thank you Dr. Ramani. Happy Holidays!!! The Holidays are what wreck my radical acceptance. I miss the ex-inlaws and their families, all the parties and good cheer in spite of my grumpy, dismissive ex Narc. I grieve so much I am Gasping for air.... but I do accept the reality that my 15 year marriage was a toxic CON. I will be better after New Year's Eve. 😢

I swear you are following me around. Thank you. I needed this.

@KarolinaKARO13

6 ай бұрын

Yes! Me too

You are absolutely helping me!

This is exactly what I have experienced. Thank you so much for this confirmation and encouragement.

This acclimatization analogy is so helpful! I live a sea level in a city full of hills and I climb them just fine, but just a visit to Salt Lake City helps me know to what you are referring. Altitude make a difference! Once again, your video came at just the right time, as my Decembers were once filled with multiple parties; now there are none. It’s the most horrible time of the year, to riff of the holiday song. But I am slowly accepting it. Thank you for reminding me that I am not failing because the process is slow. Forward is forward, and when forward is up, too, it is bound to take a long time. I so appreciate you, Dr Ramani! Thank you for helping me very much yet again. 💜

You kindness is refreshing! Will be ordering the book ! For sure!

Our narcissistic father disowned us through a text on September 16th 2022 at 22 years of age. at 20 I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, beginning to accept myself as disabled and respect my boundaries and needs was the beginning of the end for my dad being able to abuse us anymore. At 23 now we’ve been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder aswell from childhood and adolescent neglect and truama. We have fully accepted there is no hope between me and my former father. He made that choice. And frankly, it was the one good thing he ever did for me as a parent. It ensured he’d never have access to us ever again. Despite how unbelievably awful it felt at first. Even when it happened, I knew it really was for the best. I know he knew it too. Nothing between us was ever real or going to change. In a way, that Death, really was a mercy.

Decide, just decide you will give up on those who can't be changed...but, that you won't ever give up on yourself. Grief is the beginning not the end.

Whoah yes, psychologically winded INDEED. Thank you for the vocab. Yes, take it slower, find work-arounds. And realizing deeply the grief doesn't go away. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤❤❤

Of all your videos and I'm pretty sure I've watched them all this was the most profound. To say it's not easy is a huge understatement!! I can honestly say that realistic expectations and radical acceptance and the work that goes into it kept me sane. For anyone struggling I hope you find your peace and acceptance because though difficult it's 100% worth it and so are you!! Waiting for my book and can't wait💖💯

You are my favorite Capricorn. I love you!

I've accepted the grieving, going No Contact, etc because frankly I'm way less irritable, more relaxed, I don't ruminate before going to bed like I used to, etc. It's all been very positive for me.

I make lists like this in my head before visiting my parents: 1. They will say something hurtful 2. The vibe will get weird 3. I will feel pain/disgust/anger/etc 4. As soon as I get home let it all out Yeah, it fucking sucks but before doing this I would come away from their house carrying a large weight, wondering why I felt so shitty and never enjoying my time with them. Now I know that my feelings have always hung around, and any time they would surface my parents bat away any intimacy, crack jokes, criticize my choices - anything to create emotional distance. Essentially they don't want to be close to me. At least now I can cry in my car and don't immediately run to the liquor store lol.

@yourekiddingright

6 ай бұрын

So freaking hard and hurtful. Look after yourself ❤. Thank goodness for Dr Ramani

@jodycasey6936

2 күн бұрын

I’m sitting in my car as I’m reading this lol

What really helped me is just the realization and acceptance that the person I fell in love with just never existed in the first place. Normal people don’t have a mask that they take off. if there was any semblance of a decent human being, then it wouldn’t be controlled by a switch.

I definitely embrace the concept of radical acceptance. What puzzles me is the concept of forgiveness. The conclusion I came to is that the common idea of forgiveness is very toxic and why we have let the psychopaths run the nation, businesses and lives. A lady interviewing RFK jr put it in a way that lights went on for me. She said, I forgive others who trespass against me not because they deserve forgiveness but because I deserve peace. There is still a lot to think about.

@thewoundedhealer4950

6 ай бұрын

I think forgiveness and radical acceptance are two sides of the same coin. Accepting them for whom they are & acceptance of Self, and forgiving them for whom they are, and forgiveness of Self, it goes hand in hand. Ultimately, their darkness has revealed a lot about whom you yourself are. Take the harsh lessons, identify your weaknesses, vulnerabilities and blindspots, and fortify yourself with the gained experience and turn those wounds into wisdom. We CAN learn and grow. They cannot. That’s their fate. Just like you cannot expect a dumpster truck to perform heart surgery, you cannot expect the narcissist to behave like a decent human being. I guess, what this boils down to, is realistic expectations, rather than seeing the good and the potential in people, forgiving them for their inability to learn, grow and cooperate, and a helluvalot of inner integration and growth. The pain and the grief, it blows, it flows, it comes and it goes. Massage the scar tissue when it itches. Nourish it. Turn the lemons into lemonade, build a house out of the stones they threw at you. Know Thyself, and last, but not least, learn from them, and integrate your own inner narcissist. It would probably be a good and healthy thing to do. I don’t say, become like them, that is not what I am saying, I am saying, familiarize yourself with your own subconscious, your own shadow, your own superego. Explore and accept all nooks and crannies of yourself, and own and embrace all of it, and accept what you cannot change, and change that what you prefer not to be. And finally, enjoy the journey, no matter how painful it is. It’s a journey. Give it time. Don’t focus on the outcome , focus on the journey . Don’t set a deadline for yourself either, that would be cruel. It’s a journey. An invaluable journey of Soul growth. Such is Life. Be present, and be aware. It’s not all bad in the larger scheme of things. And, having said that, I would love to help people ‘zoom out’, and see things from a different perspective. I have been thoroughly studying my own and my family’s birth charts. I am beyond blown away by what I learned and found. Is there anyone interested in a reading? I am unfortunately unemployed, and am looking for a way to earn a living. For now, I’d love to start giving readings. Initially on a donation basis, so you decide if my reading was worth anything to you. If yes, I’d gladly accept a donation. My contact info can be found on the bottom of the description page (under “Through the transformation of the shadow… “) on my own channel. I’d love to hear from you. I’ve been studying narcissism, depth psychology and astrology simultaneously since 2012, so if anyone is interested in a compassionate deep dive, I very much look forward to hearing from you. I have plenty of personal experience with narcissistic abuse (one of the reasons why I am jobless), so I know what it feels like. I know it all to well… . I’ve experienced it on the job, in business, in marriage, and in the family with a cluster B mother and brother. I’m broke, but wise. I’m poor, but rich. I’ve learned a thing or two… If anyone wants a reading, please let me know!

@Cla-ev1xp

6 ай бұрын

Forgiveness is just letting it go. Not for their sake, but for yours. By letting it go, it doesn't mean to forget, it just means to not hold anger and resentment, that would only hurt you and your health. Higher cortisol from stress can drive up blood pressure and cause other health issues you might not ever have. So, to forgive, just means to let go of the part that hurts the victim. I think there should be a different word for it. To me forgiveness used to mean letting them back in, but no longer, I finally get it and its purpose.

Radical acceptance had helped me a lot on my DBT journey!

I’m getting your book goat 🐐 mama❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ u need preorders you got it!

That acclimatising example is very good. Makes it easy to understand

I love that term Radical Acceptance and your attitude/hiking analogy. Although that term is new to me the analogy of acclimatization really hit home as a couple years ago I trained for a backpacking excursion in Colorado with an organization called Revelation Wellness. Initially I was filled with doubt and fear that I could do it but the 10week training built up my physical, emotional and spiritual muscles that prepared me well. We also spent a night at basecamp before hiking up to camp around 11,000ft. It was so empowering and a time of such freedom and joy! I continued on with a friend afterwards to climb Pikes Peak which is over 14,000ft and although it was a challenge, it was the perfect time to press on to that summit after being so well acclimatized. The friend I did that with was so encouraging despite my doubts and fears and told me, ‘You are well prepared and you can do this!’. Thank you Dr. Ramani for the encouragement these videos offer to train and prepare us well for the mountains we are facing!

I like this mountain metaphor because I do admit the more I radically accept people and situations the harder it is to breath down at the "lower levels". And I do need to catch my breath after each big acceptance- I'm feel like each trauma wrapped a layer around me that I have to identify then figure out how to unwind it. I once thought the layers would be unending but I'm finding it's not, especially since I finally trust myself to go "oh that's not my style/ color" when a new layer starts to form. The one I'm starting to get comfortable with right now is that enablers gonna enable and you can't force them to see the reality they don't want to be true. And that's okay because I know they are at best "almost but not really safe" people as when people value peace over truth "oh you know how ____ is" they will never fight for you against the person who has permission in their mind to tromp all over everyone's boundaries and it's excused.

They'll never acknowledge it, accept it, apologize for it, or atone. The healing starts and ends with you.

This is crazy accurate for me right now. I've been writing my story and also related the journey to climbing, chilling out to take in my surroundings and prepare for the summit ahead. Thank you for the timely validation :)

Brilliant video! Brilliant metaphor. Just what I needed and providentially right on schedule. So looking forward to the book. I pre-ordered! You can, too!

4 years after leaving a 24 year marriage. It feels like it's never going to get easier. When I see the effects of staying in every aspect of my life, children, grandchildren, friends, and extended family, I just want to give up. However, I have made progress and am trying to keep moving foward. My first session of EMDR treatment is today. Hoping this will give me relief. The holidays are such a difficult time. I'm trying to accept the new and get as much joy as I can. Good luck to all and Happy Holidays!

Radical acceptance is really, the acceptance that the relationship is dead. And the grief that comes with that death must be lived through. It IS like climbing a mountain. Trying to accept and enjoy the hard climb here....

Thank you ❤ for all of your work. Enabling so many of us to understand and work towards a brighter future.

This analogy is amazing! This year I had my radical acceptance about my narcisistic mother and that’s absolutly right, is hard, people don’t usualy get it and it feels like mourning. But with therapy, love from friends, doing things I love and educating myself with content such as yours, I’ve been feeling more and more hole and authentic. Thank you so much, Dr Ramani!❤

Great video! Thank you 🙏

Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for this analogy. Thinking about my process as comparable to acclimatization with altitude is a very tangible way for me to think about. I appreciate how you make these connections to other “real life” experiences as tools for learning and growing!

Brilliant! That explains for me what it means that healing is a process. And I too love hiking, though my tops are around 2500m. ;-) Thank you, Dr Ramani!

Thank you. I definitely needed to hear this.

Absolutely to all of this! Going low/no contact went against everything that I have been taught in the Christian church growing up. I still love these people, but I cannot spend time with them and maintain my sanity. I cannot completely go no contact as I am still connected through marriage, but I no longer feel guilty for not attending small gatherings that do not involve extended family (that I enjoy spending time with). I am unsure if lies have been told about me, but I really don't care. Thankfully the end came before the pandemic and the pandemic just magnified and confirmed the need to go low/no contact. Just like grieving and healing, it isn't linear and it is a constant process. Thank you for your continued education in this field!

Exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you.

Love the analogy! Thanks for addressing this issue thoroughly! So encouraging and helpful! 12:44

After many years, I developed all the illnesses in the world. I just have to thrive to live for my children. Do self care and simple house chores slowly. I choose my acivities depending on my level of energy.When I experience chest pain and/or any other symptoms, I have to prepare and accept possibility of leaving... further than the acceptance that I was/am not loved. True pain that almost doesn't heal.

@fbxn

6 ай бұрын

Radical aceptance and self care do cure illnesses, I am much younger and healthier now than 5 years ago!!! I also highly recommend you qi gong practice for healing, it is magical. Keep going❤❤❤

It's a long climb up that 🏔️ we call radical acceptance...But the view certainly is beautiful as you 👀 out at a sea of gaslighting clouds that are now beneath you instead of being down in it😊👍🏻👍🏻.

Love your videos. You look great 😃 I feel even though I don't have a therapist I have support through your channel ♥️

Preordered and I can’t wait to read it. One of these days I’ll be one of those emails you occasionally mention, Dr Ramani, because you have helped me tremendously. And I loooooved hearing you talk about climbing! Whatta badass!

3yrs post narc, no contact. Awesome video!! Thank u!!

Great dose of straight-up reality. Thank you Dr R.

One of my SHEROES 🙌🏽 I loved how you broke this down and cannot thank you enough for the work you've done, and continue to do Dr. Ramani 🙏🏽 I hope your book will be on Audible as well! I can't wait to get it 🤗

Religious abusers are leading my children to hell, that's what I'm having trouble to accept. I wouldn't want a relationship with these evil people calling themselves 'church' leaders.

Very cool parable with the climbing, Building the new... Powerful!! encouraging to say the least. Ty

Thanks again,Doc--perfect timing again. I'm so sick of being sick...of narcisstic people(liars,gaslighters,bullies,eternal victim stance,toxic negativity,etc). The truth is....there is no starting over,only making the best of what's left of you, and moving on. Your happiness is the ultimate win!

Beautifully explained ❤

Love your examples, resonates well with me; how to cope. I also learned and keep reminding myself, bring the sorrow to the altar, handing over to the Lord. I then bring myself back to where I need to be. This allows me to feel free to focus on manifesting a healthy path. Helps to remind myself I'm deserving of respect. I learned that from your podcasts; how I was accepting these behaviors, felt small, unworthy. The opportunity to be treated differently came, when I walked away, separating myself. I need the audible, I read; I rarely, get to turn the page, finding myself sleeping.

I am very thankful for Dr Ramani's explanations about radical acceptance. For the first few times, not just once, I had contact with this term was with therapists that used it to make me accept the bad behaviour, misdeeds, harm of my abusers, and have empathy and sympathy for them. It was just more gaslighting. Basically: Roll over and be a doormat. Thus I got a very strong kneejerk reaction to the term because I thought it meant something else very literally: "Accept the gaslighting" - which is certainly not what it is. The meaning of radical acceptance I developed on my own in the meantime. I don't think those were very good therapists. Or that they should even be therapists at all. If they did it to me, they'll do it to others.

Thank you Dr Ramani for explaining what is happening to me and how best to navigate x

Thank you! Ready to read the book as well

Thank you so much for this. Really helpful for accepting the grief will take time and healing is a slow process and not to want to rush it. The pain is real.

What I find most surprising, still, is the unbelievably kind and caring actions of new people in my life. Not sure I have reached full acceptance, yet. What has changed recently is that I do notice the difference in responses from those I left behind compared to those from some of the new people in my life when I am struggling with something.