Narcissistic tormentor's shouldn't be appeased. It's a good way to escape their torment, but it only enables them to torment others. And when you support them, and they go on to bigger positions because you caused them to succeed in spite of it all - that's NOT a good thing. That's how multi-million dollar projects and corporations fall.

@MrgoldenRose

4 ай бұрын

I'm not sure it's realistic to say they shouldn't be appeased as they often have hire/fire authority - i think it's more practical to say we should but appeasing them in a strategic context that allows us to dettach/relate to it in a healthy way. it IS a good thing in my opinion if you can work with people and achieve a desired result, that's the mark of a professional. With that said, you need to decide as an individual whether or not you care about the success more than your pride/mental health. Just my thoughts thuogh..

@armartin0003

4 ай бұрын

@@MrgoldenRose If a person is a sick bastard, then their success is the world's failure. There is no end to the harm that can be done simply because of the apathy of good people. "Mark of a professional" my foot. If being a professional means sacrificing your morality and dignity as a person, then that profession isn't worth being called trash. You become a willing slave who does their master's bidding without whips or chains. I would rather die.

@kimhill3614

3 ай бұрын

Yeah, the video doesn't really address the problem of sociopaths within the work environment, either. Some people have no interest in the collective good.

honestly people can figure out so much (but at the same time… only so much) about people through psychoanalyzing everyone. The premise of this video is that this is an issue because dealing with a “difficult” coworker can heighten your stress levels and effect you outside of work… but that’s something I can learn to control (or let go of) by focusing on MYSELF rather than attempting to help others and make them more bearable for me to be around. That just takes up so much energy for each individual person, I’d rather just learn to regulate my own emotions. Learn to not take things personally or even not to be so invested in other peoples psychology, because at the end of the day is doesn’t seem worth investing so much energy into when work is already tiring enough. but hey, maybe I’m missing something.

@MrgoldenRose

4 ай бұрын

very well said!!

@lildude677

4 ай бұрын

Really like and appreciate your comment! My take on this is a balance of both your approach and her approach. In short, “to help where I can and where I cannot ‘let go’ and place healthy boundaries” I’ve noticed at times that individuals behaving badly sometimes are merely projecting the general life stress they are experiencing, acknowledging that and exerting my influence (per this video) where it can be helpful has been very good for my rapport with others but also opened up doors for networking within other departments

I had a 'know it all' working besides me. What I do with the people that I disagree with, I thank them for their help, then I do what I learned is the right way when they are not around.

Based on my experience in large companies with hundreds of employees, people form tribes, us and them, sub-teams within a team, and then there's boss's favouritism, bullying, mobbing, etc. there's no such thing as an individual tormentor, there's always a tribe. My guess is, such identifications apply only in tiny companies with only a handful of employees.

Offices are toxic. I left that scenario long ago. If youre an intelligent attractive woman it's bad. Im not a politician and i just couldnt play the manipulation games.

@capefear56

8 ай бұрын

The only way to win that game is to not play. My mental health improved dramatically when I was no longer a peon working in a faceless corporate office.

Co-workers skilfully throwing one another under the bus in order to get ahead! Typical scenario in the modern corporate world!

@signalfire15

8 ай бұрын

Left a job a couple of months ago because of this.

"Let people exist no matter how bad you don't want them to."

So i think the whole point of this is that a lot of times when we encounter this behavior, it's because the person isn't aware of/thinking about their behavior. And of course that means that any one of us will probably definitely actually be one of these things to our coworkers at some point. By trying to work with the person instead of against them, you can often not only have a productive relationship, but help to understand and correct the behavior, as well as to find and address things you yourself might be doing wrong. For all the folks saying how this lady doesnt understand narcissism and toxic behavior and whatever - obviously those things exist. But I'd invite you to introspect a little bit: you might be leaning into the victim archetype without knowing it. You know how I know? You're not saying "hey, there's another side of this", you're saying "there is never a reason why anyone is ever difficult except that they're bad". But that's not how humans work. The fact is, difficult behavior is often not about you. Even if it is, the strategies in the video can work to fix the underlying issue. But still, we need people to call out truly bad behavior that is not amenable to change, so don't take this as me trying to repudiate the whole enterprise. It's just we're all in this together, yknow? Most people who are difficult are trying to do their job however they can, and through some combination of circumstance and history are not perfectly aligned with you. And trying to get someone to lose their job simply because you don't like them is sociopathic behavior, full stop, no matter how much you dress it up in co-opted language of bullying and toxic behavior.

The 20-80 Principles runs rampant across all business & in life generally.

Thank you for this video!!! 👍🏿❤

When 80 percent of workers are complaining of a terrible coworker, chances are that other people are thinking the same thing about the person making the claim, Sometimes we are the asshole but it is hard to know.

@Lonesome_Loser

8 ай бұрын

Well said!!

@signalfire15

8 ай бұрын

Chances are that we will all have at least one coworker who we don’t get along with. And it may all be the same one coworker lol

@monopolybillionaire5027

7 ай бұрын

​@signalfire15 Some people are just horrible, the attitudes I get everyday for nothing it's like being in a children's school.

This is FANTASTIC and so accurate. X

How to deal with Debbie in HR: be self-employed

@tye754

7 ай бұрын

How to deal with Debbie in HR is simple: understand what Debbie's job is. Use the policies which define Debbie's job to your advantage and never let anyone know you are going to talk to or have already talked to Debbie.

This is all terrible advice. In particular, tormentors cannot be appeased into decency. Her advice to kiss the ass of a bully will eventually rot your soul, and the tormentor will just find new ways to torment you. Regard them as an obstacle you must overcome to move onto the next level of your life and do whatever it takes to defeat them, whether that be whistle blowing, standing your ground, finding a new and better place of employment, or whatever morally correct actions put them into an absolutely irrelevant position in your life.

@billcosgrave6232

8 ай бұрын

Has this woman ever worked in an office or does she just write books and articles?

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

@@billcosgrave6232 Same thought. I guess we both know the answer. 😉

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

She is just so completely spineless, it is appaling. And then she comes forward and sells her spineless-ness as good advice, how clueless can someone be? 😑🤣 I was the punching-bag for several bad co-workers for years until I grew some claws. Now I have a constructive and friendly attitude but don't hesitate to fight back if someone crosses me. Earns me the respect of nice co-workers and the the douche bags leave me alone. Works out most of the time.

@billcosgrave6232

7 ай бұрын

@@thomaskositzki9424 I agree with you and what’s worse is that she is the kind of person who helps to perpetuate this kind of workplace behavior by requiring that every one acquiesce to these people.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

I work for a tormentor. I’ve even put him in his place a few times. After yesterday’s meeting I am getting close to doing it again. I think I will call him Vader from now on. Not to his face though. 😂

Came across all these types in my career... the tormentor probably being the worst person ever. Reiterating what another commenter posted. The tormenter will just find more ways to torment you. My only option was to find work elsewhere. They were never going to change, nor were they going to be fired or reprimanded. Glad I left them to their own wonderful devices. Unfortunately, there are other types where I am now, but have come to the realisation that there's no point fighting back or reporting their issues. Just a recipe for trouble and end up looking like the bad guy, especially if they make up their own twisted excuses for their behaviour.

Thanks

Thank you for Labeling Tor-Mentor! Love it!

What a ridiculous take, especially with the “Tormenter Boss” type. Putting the onus back on the person experiencing the bullying to change themselves is a toxic corporate mindset. This lady has drank the corpo kool-aid. If you are experiencing bullying in the workplace don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

@taf8903

8 ай бұрын

i agree that you should seek help if necessary, but you are missing the point. part of being successful in life and relationships is managing the egos, emotions, and insecurities of others. obviously you are not responsible for their bad behavior, but there's nothing wrong with approaching relationships with understanding and respect. it goes a long way.

@veresdenialex

8 ай бұрын

Agree, it only strenghtens the idea that you should accept toxic behaviour and mold yourself around other people. It's very toxic advice. 'You will never call them out, you will compliment them' are you for real?

@user-pe3tt7iu7g

8 ай бұрын

All of these is empathizing with shitty people.

@SchgurmTewehr

8 ай бұрын

It helps nothing looking for fault. You can’t change a grown-up personality, so trying to help yourself in any way, mentally and being a stoic, then that’s fine.

@taf8903

8 ай бұрын

@@veresdenialex you completely missed the point.

The world needs more people like you. I'm impressed at the positive bright eyed attitude here. Unfortunately, I don't share it. Whenever difficult people cause me trouble I lean into their worst qualities and make them express them even more to the point where they become the architects of their own destruction. I view those people like criminals. If someone assaults you you don't think about why they could be behaving that way and what you could have done to contribute it. You call the cops and have them arrested and taken off the streets because they are dangerous. The what's and why's are irrelevant. The fact is they are adult human beings that know right and wrong and used their free will to do harm to others. And if they are not stopped they will do it to yet more others. That's the only relevant fact. In the case of the difficult people they aren't exactly criminals yet do things that hurt others. This is a case where they have to arrest themselves by becoming so disfunctional that they become a danger to themselves. Help them get to that place because that's the only time they will see the light and their error and be motivated to change.

@billcosgrave6232

8 ай бұрын

You're correct! I don't think this woman has much real world experience. These people can ruin your life if you are not careful.

Yep. Used to be the insecure boss. I knew, and hated that I was. Just didn’t know & have the time to improve back then when I was at a startup. I don’t think the goal of this video is to excuse bad office culture, but to navigate around it while you look for different team/company/roles.

I have been retired for ten years. Now most nights I think about how much of an a**hole I have been throughout my entire career.

@taf8903

8 ай бұрын

i'm 23 and i feel the same way. good thing i'm realizing early haha

@monopolybillionaire5027

7 ай бұрын

​@@taf8903Make your own opinions of others do not let people tell you who others are. Some really evil manipulating people out there.

Has she ever worked in an office? If she had not, she is totally unqualified.

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

She just talks things that are completely out of touch with reality. How could that be? I guess we both know the answer. 😉

Going to a job should require no more than a basic and normal level of civility and cordiality. To assume ever that a workplace require of someone they learn about or improve themselves in order to just be in a tolerable position is nonsense. In the last 40 years the field of HR, of using psy ops in the workplace has become the main detriment to happiness of a majority of people in this country. Here’s where being older is important to society. Before Jerry Springer, before Reality TV people just didn’t act the way they do now. Once narcissism was a character defect. Now it’s the standard operating mode of many people. I don’t think this experiment over time is going to work. I personally have experienced savagery from a few male co workers and Debby in HR was no help at all.

@MD-bu3xc

8 ай бұрын

Addition: And no, it was not up to me to do one thing except make sure I was protected. That was impossible. I’m gone.

@billcosgrave6232

8 ай бұрын

I agree. Rudeness, bad antisocial behavior is rewarded.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

Going to HR with problem managers is a waste of time. HR’s duty (these days) is to cover for and support whatever management wants whether right or not. Since management is frequently filled with Tormentors they are often not to be trusted especially because like Hitler they like to hear themselves talk loudly with platitudes and ideals but ultimately turn out to be the playground bullies. The best way to deal with such people is ignore them and if others will cooperate then isolate them socially so they lose power and are no longer heard. If their power and expression in the company are limited then they lose their energy and can no longer be a threat after being disarmed. Their company may suffer or fail miserably as a result but “oh well”. That’s the way the mop flops.

@billcosgrave6232

7 ай бұрын

@@jkeelsnc HR’s job is to protect the corporation and not the employees. It is very important to remember that when dealing with any kind of corporate issue.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

@@billcosgrave6232 yes. Exactly.

Yes everyone should self reflect and truly learn to be stoic at work ...however... also perpetuating bad leadership skills through any of these archetypes kill some businesses core humans. The better solution to this is to learn strategy, boundaries, precise communication and deepen your connection to your skillset. Reflection can be a horrible hall of mirrors without a proper strategy to get out of it.

How to be a kiss ass 101 😂

I'm not cut out to deal with losers. I just quit that job and get another one that's pays more. Much easier, less stress, more lucrative.

@signalfire15

8 ай бұрын

Yep!

What about terrible coworkers as in they don't do their job?

@_ata_3

8 ай бұрын

@@GIwillo Then a missing "archetype" in this is The Lazy Coworker.

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

@@_ata_3 Those "archetypes" are forgettable fluff anyway. Her advice is nonsense.

@_ata_3

7 ай бұрын

@@thomaskositzki9424I know, psychologists are like tarot readers.

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

@@_ata_3 Not the ones I dealt with. 30 years of crippling mental problems behind me, I can safely say my two therapists saved my life. Would have laid my head on some train tracks (we Germans usually don't have guns) at some point 10 years ago if it hadn't been for them. And yes, my mental issues are gone.

@_ata_3

7 ай бұрын

@@thomaskositzki9424 I'm glad for you. All the ones I know so far are a complete fraud

If someones behaviour is toxic, its his or her responsibility to correct it not the targets.

@erickcamacho5528

4 ай бұрын

You poor baby

imagining having to argue this brilliant woman about why i didnt take the trash out

Hmm. I need more info and more specific examples.

I'll be getting this book next week. Needed this video! I think everybody needed this!

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

Dude, don't do it. She is clueless of real-world working enviroments and talks complete BS. It's not only my opinion, just read the comments here...

a tale as old as time

I dunno. I think I got pretty lucky. Sometimes we butt heads, but we get over it... kinda like a work-family. Now there are people in other departments that annoy me occasionally... but I actually like my colleagues.

@LaLA441000

8 ай бұрын

Yeah, thank God! I've mostly had the same experience. In a team we all contribute whatever strengths we have to the effort. Sometimes it's great to have a tormentor ON your team as long as they are working FOR the team. Depressing to hear how others are having it..

@thomaskositzki9424

7 ай бұрын

Had both. Many jobs with really bad co-workers. Learned to grow a spine and fight back. But my last team was just good people. All with quirks and weaknesses but all constructive. Such a great time. 😃👍

I would love to work with Michael Scott though.

💡

What if uou are the difficult archetype?

Was this video made for my debut novel, "ANGRY JUNGLEE BOSSES"????

The vast majority of the time I have the utmost respect for the experts you bring on and I just shut my mouth and listen, but I really disagree with a lot of what this woman says. For one I don’t view Bill Lumbergh as passive-aggressive or “angry, but then tells you they’re fine”. He simply keeps himself calm and composed and does not feel the need to yell at, degrade or attempt to intimidate his underlings. Is he “passive-aggressive” because he’s able to keep his temper in check? I view that as being a mature, composed professional and I’d much much rather have that than some wannabe alpha jerk hole who gets angry and starts flipping out to express it. Secondly, I completely agree with the sentiment behind the comment made by Treadmill_Wars. Way too much of this advice is how to change YOURSELF because OTHER PEOPLE have crappy personalities, which I wholly and fundamentally disagree with. Should you learn to TOLERATE or ATTEMPT to get along with just about everybody in a professional setting? Yes. Should you change who you are, how you carry yourself or be anything less than authentic? Absolutely not. And you should CERTAINLY stand up for yourself if you’re being “tormented”, not adapt to their garbage.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

Tormentors never stop. They have to be ignored and if others will cooperate then socially isolated with thick boundaries and barriers they are not allowed to cross. The social equivalent of a straight jacket and then gagged. They need to made into a social and organizational pariah and the same holds true for the management who ignores or supports their behavior.

Watching this, I now understand why so many are saying that psychology has been feminized.

Yup

Hey dear comment reader, One day you will be the winner! I wish you all the best in your life.

Everyone I work with says they work with at least one awful toxic person, I don’t know what they talking about, everyone is fine a lovely…..unless 😢

How do you deal with a coworker, in essentially the same position as you, that just steamrolls every conversation without ever taking a breath, leading to the appearance you have no input? When the only way to get a word in edgewise is to just yell at them to shut up for a second so I can talk too. But whenever you start to talk, they just interrupt and talk over you, leaving me with what feels like the option of just telling them to shut up. But that's not something I want to do in front of our supervisor, because that would make me look bad. But this dude literally goes on forever without a single normal conversational pause. And by the time he eventually pauses, the point you wanted to make was 10 minutes ago. The second part of this, is we both started the job at the same time, but for some reason he is acting like he is my mentor. Even though I actually have more real world experience in the field. He just has an extremely annoying gift of gab and just goes and goes. And even if you tell him you already know what he is explaining to you, he will say "Cool" but then continue to explain it. I know I can just cut him off and be aggressive about it. But we sit 3 feet about from each other all day. I don't want a contentious relationship with someone I work that closely with. So what's a way to solve this with creating an adversarial relationship?

Real solution is financial independence and a giant F U on the way out.

Wheeler Walker Jr. has a song about this.

if your workplace is toxic just leave. life is too short

this is horrible. "the tormentor" that's a bully. "passive agressive" that's a bully. destroy the bullies or switch jobs. do not let anyone fuck with you.

Try working in a typical factory where one in twenty people *aren't* a$$holes

@monopolybillionaire5027

7 ай бұрын

1 in 20...thats cute

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

Which is why assholes should be ignored and isolated. Tormentors are not to be given power or expression since that is what they thrive on.

@mjowsey

7 ай бұрын

@@jkeelsnc I was thinking about a place where almost everyone was an unpleasant asshole. Anybody with a degree of honesty and decency left there very quickly. It took me years to get over the brain damage.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

@@mjowsey I am sorry to hear that. I am glad that you are away from there.

@mjowsey

7 ай бұрын

@@jkeelsnc Thanks, that's kind of you.

I mean… hardly anyone loves everyone. So was this really a “surprising finding”? Emotional maturity means learning to deal with this kind of thing. (Of course I’m not talking about purely abusive relationships)

this is bad content. What does any of this mean? It's so unspecific. So about the Tormentor. What are they actually doing? They are like Darth Vader, okay, doesn't help me understand the concept at all. They are undermining my success, but how? And the argument is kinda going nowhere. They might make me feel insecure about myself or make me feel like I am not cut out to do a specific job. By the advice given, I am supposed to be a major simp towards them. How is that helping with self worth? That's such bad advice. Are people actually happier when they lick somebodys ass constantly at work? Because I doubt that. This video is framed by a statistic of how people are unhappy because of coworkers. It doesn't make any sense to me how that advice should help with that. This should have been framed in a completely different way. Also: what is the field of expertise of Amy Gallo? I googled her and her homepage says that she graduated but not in what field. Is she a psychologist? Or is she having a background in economics? Who is she working for currently? Much needed context in my opinion. Like, writing books and having a podcast is nice and all, but what is her expertise? Why is not mentioned?

What a weird take on awful coworkers. Unless any of these awful qualities are at a low level and combine with some vaguely endearing aspectsI can't see how anyone having to put up with them can control their fight-flight reactions to do what this lady suggests. Working with toxic people can seriously damage ones physical and mental health.

I have zero respect for theses H.R. people. Has anyone ever worked in a large corporation and believes these people are fit to be judges of human character or ability? They weigh in on hiring these same toxic individuals. In most large companies payroll is even handled by another department. What do they do besides suck air and take a salary? Administration is the only title they deserve.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

HR only supports whatever management wants. They should be renamed “management sycophants”.

🤔😊

I mean, some people are just jerks and there is no other explanation...

If you never had a "bad co-worker" at any of your jobs, that's because you are it. 😅

After finishing the video, and having worked with some of these archetypes, this can be more aptly re-titled to "how to live with mentally ill psychopaths".

Ok.. Well this didn't help

👍💪✌

Go to a manager that you trust and file a complaint. If the matter is not taken care of, find a new place of employment with less shitty people or a place with pay high enough for you to put up with the bullshit.

@billcosgrave6232

8 ай бұрын

Unfortunately, finding a new job may be your only real option.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

You actually think there is a manager you can trust? Even the better ones will cave to the tormentors if it means keeping their job. Also, they are often intelligence officers for other managers.

@signalfire15

7 ай бұрын

@@jkeelsnc I’m using the term “trust” lightly here as in - go to someone who you believe will handle the issue professionally and competently. In general, no, I don’t believe there is a manager that you can trust in the same way you would trust a friend or family member. But there should be at least one person who you work with who is actually good at managing lol. If not, that’s a place to get out of asap.

Too bad I didn't really get most of those references. Well, except for Darth Vader. Of course.

@jkeelsnc

7 ай бұрын

I’ll think of my boss as Vader from now on.

@LaLA441000

7 ай бұрын

@@jkeelsnc lolsz

I dislike how this tries to explain away bad workplace behavior as if it should be accepted instead of corrected. It is one thing to put up with inappropriate workplace behavior and a whole skillset to accommodate it. In my professional experience, bad behavior is best dealt with through swift and appropriate concessions; regardless if it is your director, supervisor, colleague, or subordinate.

whst about the sexual abuser boss ?

@rahulmohanan2026

8 ай бұрын

These are character traits that you have to put up with because they are not illegal, it is not illegal to be passive aggressive or be an asshole at work, sexual harassment doesn't fall in that category because no company expects you to tolerate that, collect evidence to support your claim and report to the HR, if they do not take any action, report it to the police.

🎉🎉

Good night friends 🇮🇩😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

Sorry but this video was a miss for me. 6mins and half of it was generic fluff intro speak.. so longwinded and repetitive. Get to the point, the point where “the world’s biggest thinkers” provide insight that lesser “thinkers” can provide. The actual advice is also slightly confusing and I guess its just made to sound like some positive thinking book that you read and feel good for 10mins and get back to reality? I personally didn’t find the solutions grounded and practical and I have tried at least 2 of the 3 mentioned within the past few years.

This doesn't help much.

So a lack of skill on their part and a lack of understanding on our part.

I used to verbally abuse and physically strike co workers that bugged me. Then I started my own business and now I work alone. Problem solved.

This advice lacks courage. It makes sense to self-reflect but there are terrible ppl in business. Doesn’t help anyone to align with them.

she forgot the ninth type...the person who gets annoyed by other people

weeh maye, woza la uzobona, this advice is weak.

This is bad content. Stop labelling and putting people into boxes. We don’t need to judge everyone and everything.

In the most recent survey Harvard scored the lowest in free speech. Censor me in the comments 👇

@AznDudeIsOn

8 ай бұрын

how does one censor you in the comments

All the archetypes are negative…

@hungrymusicwolf

8 ай бұрын

That's the point. This is supposed to be about how to deal with difficult coworkers, not good ones.

@PerceptionVsReality333

8 ай бұрын

I just don't interact with them & ignore them.

BORING