asking permission to enter their room even when the door is open really got to me. When you don't feel like you have a safe/private space even in your own room, the toll that takes on your mental emotional and physical energy is huge. Affirming that their space is fully in their control even in situations where you know you could probably just enter without asking means a lot. I really love that

@foster.parenting

Жыл бұрын

Yes! it's a small nuanced moment, but it can be meaningful for some!

@feeltheyumyums

Жыл бұрын

I was just talking to someone who was saying they haven't felt "grounded" lately, like they've just been all over the place mentally, and I found out their room was being remodeled for the last couple months. This is a girl in her 20s. Doesn't matter the age, having a personal, private space that you can go to to ground yourself is everything to a lot of people.

@lorianncostello531

Жыл бұрын

I saw a video posted by an animal rescue recently, about an abused horse. The woman would go up to her in the field and just stand there talking to her. She didnt start petting her until the horse nudged her - she wanted to give her the choice. I was really touched by that. I adopted an abused feral dog six years ago, and decided to try it. It works for her, too! Sometimes, even after six years, I’ll get close in, and she seems nervous, so I’d back off. Now I lie next to her and tell her I’ll wait til she’s ready, and she quickly pokes me with her nose. She doesn’t have the nervous reaction much any more - I believe that every person, and animal, deserves to be as autonomous as possible. I grew up in a home where I felt powerless, and still struggle with those feelings today at 55. Thank you for modeling this behavior!! 🥰

@Piper_____

11 ай бұрын

I once saw a neat chain lock at a garage sale once as a kid and used my allowance to buy it. I was so excited to put it on my bedroom door - not because I wanted to keep people out, but because I’d seen chain locks in so many cartoons and I thought they were so cool. My parents never said anything about it and helped me drill in the screws to mount it. As a kid I thought nothing of this, but as I’ve grown up I’ve realized how lucky I was to be able to take privacy for granted.

@ILuvAyeAye

9 ай бұрын

@@lorianncostello531 With cats, this is great advice, no matter their background. I won't say I've never held out my hand for a cat lol, but it works best if they come to you.

Keeping a physical distance when talking and not blocking/standing in doorways, so that there is a hypothetical 'escape route' is so important to me. I feel much more at ease when I don't feel cornered inside a room.

@foster.parenting

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for adding this in!

I watch these videos to help heal my inner child and to break the generational abuse for my future kids

@cooperjohnson210

Жыл бұрын

Me too. I wish someone had seen me and honored me like this... Now I work everyday to do just that for kids. Thank you Laura!

@1Tibs1

8 ай бұрын

The truth, never blame yourself. Easiest solution and always reflect back to see you were not the problem. You have to be careful withers types of videos cause they’re textbook and manipulative. If you ever get into psychology you’ll see their approach is actually predatory never healing, “grooming” or “conditioning”.

I would personally specify when saying that in this house nobody hits or harms, that this includes the adults. In many an abusive home, including my own, there are double standards of the kids not being allowed to hit, but the parents being allowed to hit. I think specifying that the adults also don't hit and have to obey this rule can be helpful.

@shining_valoka

Жыл бұрын

I believe that she said this in another video, specifying that adults don't hit. Maybe it just wasn't in this one's script, but I'm almost certain that she said it this way before.

@laartje24

Жыл бұрын

@@shining_valoka Noted

@emilyb5557

Жыл бұрын

Such a good point. Rules in homes are v often for kids so they might just read it as house rules for them.

@resveries_

11 ай бұрын

@@shining_valokayeah, in other videos she’s specifically said that those rules are for everyone: adults don’t hit kids or other adults, and kids don’t hit adults or other kids

@emilybeaty27

6 ай бұрын

This!!!

with physically abused kids, you have to assume that if they've done something bad, they're aware it was bad. likely even hyper-aware, and so the point isn't going to be punishing them to teach them that their actions were bad. it's trying to work with them and understand why they did a bad thing. unfortunately, for a while the answer will likely be "didn't want to turn to you for help", and it's likely to hurt their feelings. it's not about you, it's about their abusers- they probably have no concept of being able to ask an authority figure for help and getting it.

@Flanneryschickens

Жыл бұрын

Yeah the "don't deserve to ask for help" was one

I wish all parents were like you

@AA-mm6wu

Жыл бұрын

I think a lot of us who have experienced abuse wish that. 😢

@annlynnalison

Жыл бұрын

Fr, she’s so underrated.

Keeping hands down, staying out of doorways, and ESPECIALLY not cornering a victim of physical abuse is so important. I personally also hated being approached/touched from behind. I love that you comfort a child who has an accident (of any kind!) because the sheer terror of having an accident is indescribable if you expect abuse, and it's also an indescribable feeling when you expect abuse and then someone reacts mercifully...

Hands in your pockets to keep yourself from accedentally using your hands when speaking, smart! I am gonna remember that one.

I'm not saying it's not effective but it breaks my heart to think I probably wouldn't have believed someone who told me "we don't hit / abuse in this house". So much gaslighting and betraying caused me to never assume I was safe with adults..

@JaneDoe-qf1kk

Жыл бұрын

Feel you

@PonderingStudent

8 ай бұрын

The thing is to back up your words with your actions. That's really the only way many traumatised children are going to believe you - when you show over a long period of time that you don't hurt people, even if you're angry. The words are just the start, then you need to *earn* the trust that you mean those words. I'm so sorry you went through all that as a child, I hope you have safe places and safe people in your life now.

Laura, what would you do if something you did unintentionally triggered or upset a child with a history of abuse? Especially if it’s something done deliberately, out of kindness, that actually had the opposite effect. Just a hypothetical example - I love how you get down on the kids level - this is something we should do for all kids, regardless of their history. If the child had a bad experience that started with an adult getting down on their level, their reaction would be understandable and I imagine upsetting for both of you. I’d love to hear how you manage those sort of situations within yourself, if they ever happen.

@foster.parenting

Жыл бұрын

acknowledge what happened without making excuses or blaming the child for anything, apologize, share what you will do differently next time, don't expect or require forgiveness (I usually don't even ask if they forgive me as to not put them on the spot). if it's needed, you can do deeper repair work with a professional. We are all human. Mistakes and missteps happen. Most of my videos are from my own missteps or those of the families I support.

@kitm141

Жыл бұрын

@@foster.parenting thank you for taking the time to compose such a beautiful response. I especially love the forgiveness part, the idea of asking a child to forgive for a mistake has always made me slightly uncomfortable. I keep thinking that so much of the work you do has application outside fostering or even child care. Imagine a world where we treat every person the way you treat the children in your care.

@ninjabgwriter

Жыл бұрын

(Just some random thoughts, no obligation to read them. Possibly TW: very vague mentions of abuse, mentions of religion (not linked to the abuse)) This is great advice. I'm autistic, and most of my family is some form of neurodiverse, so I don't know if this is uncommon, but we've never really required forgiveness with an apology, and it's something of an odd concept to me. If I apologize to someone, it's because I want them to know I'm aware I've done wrong and have remorse for my actions, but I don't expect anything back of them, especially if it's a more significant apology (sorry we had this really difficult interpersonal conflict and I said something hurtful, vs sorry I took the last slice of pizza you were saving). Our parents taught us to apologize and forgive genuinely, and allowed us to wait until we were no longer upset to let someone know they were forgiveness. Reconciliation is always the goal of an apology, but expecting the other half of someone, especially if they're the one who've been wronged whether it's intentional or accidental, does feel really weird. Especially in a situation where the power is as imbalanced as with an adult and a child, even more so if the adult is a caregiver. Our parents taught us a lot about apology and forgiveness, but never that apology automatically warranted forgiveness. Instead if we were still upset and couldn't forgive first, we'd say 'I appreciate your apology, but I'm still hurt and I need some time before I can forgive you again' and get back with them in a few hours or days. Forgiveness was taught to us as a sort of personal healing thing. Once the apology has been given and attempts to make amends have been made to their best capacity, forgiveness is the responsibility and right to offer or withhold of the person who was wronged, with the understanding that you can withhold forgiveness, but it will damage your relationship with that person and not feel good internally to hold onto that hurt. Part of forgiveness is releasing that hurt from inside of you, and forgiveness doesn't always equal trust. For instance, I had a very abusive teacher in school. I forgive her for the things she did. She was a very ill, unhappy person. Holding onto that resentment felt terrible, and letting it go was a shocking relief. I genuinely don't wish her ill. In fact, I hope she heals and comes to be a better person. HOWEVER, I am aware that she is not kind or safe or in the right. She offered no apology, but I still forgive her. That doesn't make what she did alright, nor does it mean that I would ever trust her with my wellbeing again, or that of anyone I cared about, because she has proved she will not protect or care for someone who is vulnerable. Just some thoughts. The concept of apologies, forgiveness, and trust all being linked are very interesting to me, especially as a convert to Catholicism. Confession is basically modeling how to make a good apology and actually really helped me learn how to make better apologies to others. You truly think about what you did wrong, how it may have hurt others or yourself, humble yourself to apologize and say that you're truly sorry (in confession, you're almost always forgiven unless it's some extreme circumstance like you're not sorry for something terrible and plan to do it again, or a couple other situations. In an apology, you might not be forgiven until later), and then you have to make it right. For confession, you're given a penance to make reparation for your sins and then go and try not to sin in that way again. In apologies, you ask the person what you can do to make it better, and try to work together to find if a behavior or expectation needs to change, or clarify a misunderstanding, and do your best going forward. If you got to the end of this, thanks for reading my rambling thoughts and God bless you :)

@kitm141

Жыл бұрын

@@ninjabgwriter I thought this was a fascinating read, thank you for sharing. I agree, there is strength and value in forgiveness. Asking anyone, especially a child for forgiveness, smacks to me of validation seeking. It’s almost transactional. I hurt you, I said sorry, now you say you forgive me. Nope, doesn’t work like that. Nobody is entitled to anyone else’s forgiveness. I’m glad you were able to forgive the teacher in your past. It’s not that she deserves it, but you deserve to live without her on your shoulders.

@MM-jf1me

Жыл бұрын

​@@ninjabgwriterI enjoyed reading your comment -- thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think your views on forgiveness are very healthy and wish more people would emulate them. I'm also relieved to see that one of the bits of advice Laura gave in her comment was not to ask for or expect forgiveness -- that takes a huge pressure off both parties! Unfortunately, sometimes people will use apologies as a get out of jail free card and, as you say, expect to use them transactionally -- I gave you an apology so now you owe me forgiveness. I'm very glad that your religion has had a positive influence on your life. It's sick, but sometimes abusers will use religious principles against their victims -- you must forgive me or God will never forgive you etc. I think besides entitled, arrogant people who just say "I'm sorry" as empty promises to get what they want, twisting of religious principles probably leads to much of the tit-for-tat apology given, expectation of instant forgiveness that you've observed. I'm exceedingly grateful to one of my teachers in preschool who taught me what apologies are -- they're not a way to escape trouble, but are an acknowledgement that you've hurt someone and a promise to do your best to never hurt them like that again. She explained it in words and terms I could understand when I was only 3 or 4, and though I've forgotten her name and her face, her lesson has had a huge influence on my life and worldview. The impact a caring adult can make in a child's life is amazing. ❤

The part of me stuck in abuse times, is so so comforted by this. Thank you

@Reflection-mu2ls

8 ай бұрын

Same.

as an adult who still watches peoples hands like a hawk when i notice them becoming upset, the note of keeping your hands down/visibly in pockets when upset is such a small detail that makes a world of difference to a helping a child feel safe

Laura is just a gift to the world.

@Wesenskern

Жыл бұрын

She is ❤

As someone who experienced physical abuse as a kid, the fact that you asked to enter their space first is really meaningful to see. To have that safe space after a traumatic event is so important.

I'm watching your videos to learn how to deal with my own son. Our personalities are very different and we fight a lot. I'm trying to be a better mom, your videos help a lot. You're doing a LOT for a ton of strangers, pls know that. Thank you.

Hands down are so important.

idk how common this is, but something to keep in mind is that they might like to walk a bit behind you instead of in front or even right beside you. i don’t like having people in my peripheral vision, it makes me feel on edge. i like to stay slightly behind people when i’m walking with them so that i can always see what they’re doing bc i won’t be able to fully relax otherwise also keep in mind a lot of ppl who have been abused startle very easily, so try not to approach them from behind without at least announcing that you’re there, and don’t touch them when they’re not expecting it (again, especially if they can’t see it coming)

Nkt only this video acknowledges this but this should be woth all children experiencing foster care and everyone else.

For me it's the keeping hands down and trying to stay on the same level... It can be soooo alarming when someone "gets big" or overly animated just to talk to you. Makes you think they're upset or they're going to hurt you or they're trying to intimidate you.

Your videos are healing my inner child

@Wesenskern

Жыл бұрын

Mine too ❤

This is the sort of parent that would deserve an A+++++++++ if they where doing a parenting test/exam

Of course always praise them and encourage them so that they can become confident, but also ask them what they did that made them proud, it’s important for children who are abused to learn to be confident and proud of themselves, it really helps with the self love when they get older.

im almost 33 and your vids are really helping me a lot thank you. i was in the foster care system from 3 months to around 2 years old. they wanted to adopt me but unfortunately my birth mother regained custody. Ever sense i found out about them and have seen pictures of them with me (bascally all of my bby pictures im always look happy with them and crying when my birth mother is there) i wonder if they would want to hear from me and know im ok mostly i dont think i could contact them but im wondering if it had been 30yrs would you still be want to talk to a kid you used to foster?

@katielear6570

Жыл бұрын

Yes! I'm sure they'd love to hear from you if you could track them down! Go for it!

@juliel531

Жыл бұрын

100% yes. Find them!

@katiehensley290

Жыл бұрын

It sounds like they deeply cared for you. They wanted to adopt you, and you clearly felt safe with them. I would imagine they are hoping you will find them someday.

@molamolalaaa2968

11 ай бұрын

Absolute yes! I’m not a foster parent but sometimes I still think about people I’ve helped many years ago. It would made my day to see them again!

@FluffyEclairs

3 ай бұрын

Did you ever find them?

Your voice is so soothing, I love it.

This was difficult to watch as a Foster kid who was also blamed for wetting my bed among other things as well as my Foster parents wanting to adopt me and changing my name and me not want to change my surname created issues into adulthood. But now as an adult I wouldn't want the surname anyway.

@kellyriddell5014

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry they wouldn't respect what you wanted to do for your own last name. That should be the child's choice if they're old enough to make it. Your biological family is an important part of your history and you should never have been pressured to let go of that tie if you didn't want to. ❤

You are so kind. I wish there were more people like you in the world ❤

This is beautiful ❤ I love all the support and gentle reminders that you are there for them without being too pushy. You are amazing!!!

You're a star!

i never went to fostercare but i was in abused by my parents and in the youtch care system as well, i wish i had someone like this in my life back then. this is def healing my inner child and showing me how it shouldve been

I love that almost all of these apply outside of foster care too.

I was never in foster care, but I was hit as a kid. And now being kicked out as a teenager these are really comforting to watch. Ty❤

@FluffyEclairs

3 ай бұрын

I'm sorry 😞

I’m 55 and have no kids by choice. I’ve spent the last 90 minutes watching your videos anyway! Lol. They’re really good. Practical, kind advice to help the kids feel as empowered as they can be. We’ll done! What a loving advocate you are for these kids. 🥹🥹🥹🥹

as a mental health worker, god bless you. i cant imagine how happy and safe your foster children are!! thanks you for being a light in this profession, you’re changing lives❤

Yay for the doctor appointment support. I have medical trauma and doctors appointments are SO FREAKING HARD!!! Fidget toys (my favorite are pop-it balls) and music help me so much. As well as taking a friend with me. Thankfully the docs I see most are aware of what happened to me, so it's less hard.

I live in foster care and almost none of these things happen and it makes me really sad

@FluffyEclairs

3 ай бұрын

Are you doing better now?

I wish I could have gotten out while I was a kid. This would have been amazing, difficult but amazing

Provide choice but don't make it overwhelming. Either or, not a list of options. That's so essential. This modeling was fantastic.

You're great. For those of us who are close to aging.... idk its hard. Kindness it almost harder.

A truly understanding caretaker

more content like this would be great. Just showing us how to talk to kids in different situations to make the child feel special, safe, and loved.

How does the foster care system deals with those cases when it comes to reunification? As far as I'm aware(and it isn't a lot, so take that with a pile of salt) the system seems to be GENERALLY focused towards reunification. What happens in those cases of physical or sexual abuse? Are parental rights terminated?

@feistsorcerer2251

Жыл бұрын

Every state has different laws and every situation is different, but unfortunately many places are so focused on reunification that if a parent seems to have "improved" kids will get put back with abusive families. It's really common and can end in tragedy. It's one reasons good foster parents stop fostering, because they legally have to send kids back to situations they know aren't safe. I know a foster family that stopped after a reunification that ended up with the kid dying from neglect shortly after. They couldn't do it again.

@laartje24

Жыл бұрын

In my case my parents only got a warning after services discovered I was being physically abused. We weren't even removed (even though we should have been).

@katiehensley290

Жыл бұрын

This breaks my heart. I want to foster and I'm scared of this. I did a foster parent orientation and they said research shows reunification is what's best for kids. I would think so, if they have a loving home to return to. Does the research take these deaths into account? Is there long term follow up? Because I've heard a lot of foster kids say they wish they weren't sent back. At the orientation I asked what percentage of kids age out. They said the majority do. Doesn't that imply a system failure it the majority of kids never end up with a good family? I wonder how many of those kids who aged out were in and out of foster care until they were so old they were unlikely to get adopted. Not saying there's no place for reunification.

@SupremeViola

8 ай бұрын

It can really depend. One of the cases I'm aware of that happens frequently is if there's a multi-adult household and only one adult is abusive; they'll usually reunify once they verify - or at least try to verify - that 1) the abusive adult has been removed from the home and will not be welcome back, and 2) the other adults in the household weren't complicit. When I was growing up, a friend of mine was the victim of CSA from a stepparent, and she was removed to kinship care while they made sure that her parent didn't know what was going on (which was indeed the case according to my friend; abusers are extremely good liars and good at terrifying their victims into lying for them), but she was reunified with her parent once that was done.

@queer_unicorn

3 ай бұрын

​@@laartje24 my mom abused me but they told me I was too old to be taken out of the home ( I was 14 or 15 at the time)

Thank you Laura!

Do you have experience how to support kids who won't speak either because of trauma or social anxiety?

@ragnkja

Жыл бұрын

If they’re old enough to write, offer either paper and their preferred writing utensil or a device they can type on. For younger children who can’t write yet, AAC apps with pictures are more appropriate. Remember to give the person experiencing situational mutism or a verbal shutdown time to reply, since most Alternate and Augmentative Communication (AAC) tools are slower than speaking, especially when the user is distressed.

tw: mention of physical and verbal abuse )) I thought I've only been verbally / emotionally abused... flashbacks say otherwise

Heart warming video 😊

I'm 44, and my mother still just walks into my room without permission.

Lovely 🖤

I also try to keep my hands open and inviting. Most of the time, the sight of a fist, even if it's a partial one because you're pointing can cause trauma to come back to the surface.

Hello, I love all your video I have watched them all and they are awsome I wish I had parents like this. I was wondering if you could do one on how you help teens who have panic attacks or one on how you could help teens who self harm. If you can’t j would love if you could respond and tell me what you would do if not totally fine I respect that. You are amazing❤

Can you maybe show an example of how to react after a situation where for example a kid who experienced physical abuse runs into the street and you grabbed them not so gently to prevent that?

When you modelled stepping away, was that because your character was angry and needed to calm down, or was simply trying to show how to respond the conflict in a healthy way?

I’m so curious to know is everything you share mostly learning from experience or did you get training or credentials in the area because your response knowledge is so extensive for any average foster parent to be aware of without a significant history or informed background … also wondering were you a foster kid yourself? ❤ much love and support to you wish I had these experiences when I was in the system

@queer_unicorn

25 күн бұрын

I'm assuming a mix of both, because she's an experienced foster parent and she's also attended a lot of training hours to be a good foster parent

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

My parents hung creepy christian posters in my room with cemeteries and dying people in them. I was not allowed to take them down or complain about them because that would have been sacrilegious.

Hi 😊

@foster.parenting

Жыл бұрын

hi!!

Hi

@foster.parenting

Жыл бұрын

hello!