A friend split on me. I just want to say to all of you that you have to choose yourself. Bpd explains their behaviour, but you deserve to not be treated like crap. So, it is ok to say "enough."

@ark333

11 ай бұрын

of course

@g3nj1

9 ай бұрын

Yeah, but what if they treated you like crap too?

@maryb7672

5 ай бұрын

Anyone who's against the non-BPD knowing their own healthy limits and getting out while they're still sane is a total creep who cares nothing for anyone other than BPDs. How dare you shame someone for leaving a BPD.

@markeric1337

5 ай бұрын

It's a really hard one. I've reached that crossroads where the decision whether or not to cut ties is here. I hate this because I can see that some switches seem like a cry for help, and others seem like a F U, I don't care if you stay or go. She's expressed a strong desire for me to help her so she can be a good mother and that she loves me. But it's like trying to nail water to a wall. It seems like she has 43 years of experience with this behavior, she is very very good at it. But she hates and blames people for abandoning her and says her desire for a friend has been a lifelong dream.

@Kid_Mode

4 ай бұрын

​@markeric1337 It's like you said trying to nail water to a wall. She'll probably always be on the border (npi) between her dream to have a friend and hatred/resentment. But you can't support someone else's dream if they undermine it themselves so directly and actively

For me, discovering about BPD was like a light bulb going off, and I immediately decided, "I have to fix this and change my behaviour." I don't understand people who know they have it, and make no effort to treat their condition and just go "This is the way I am, you have to accept me"

@two_dears

10 ай бұрын

Recovery is totally possible and I wish you all the best. I’m proud of you ❤

@jonleibow3604

10 ай бұрын

@@two_dears Thank you very much, I have been working on it and definitely am seeing progress

@sunbeam9222

10 ай бұрын

You're ready for change. And so it seems obvious to you. Some people are not. Each of us grows and evolve according to our own timeline. Very happy that you're on your way to happier times 🎉 wishing you all the best x.

I lost a friend who I suspect has BPD. I could not do it anymore. I am full of patience and empathy, but I was getting killed. I wish them all the best but I had to leave. ❤

@markeric1337

4 ай бұрын

Yeah, I'm getting my ass handed to me too. And we're just friends. Female/ Male. I'm no narcissist, that's what she liked before she gave up on relationships, so it's plutonic. okay, I didn't really care all that much more than any other friend Just thought she was a cool, free sprited person. Until she switched and dragged me into the roller coaster of misery. I have to pull the plug. It's sad, and painful for me for some reason. why it's so hard to move on?

I understand more now. But I'm not letting them back in my life. They crossed a boundary and disrespected me too much, for them to not do it again.

@DrELewis2014

2 жыл бұрын

Amen!

@misskd9302

2 жыл бұрын

Good decision. Maybe if more people set boundaries with them theyll work towards getting help or consider working on themselves.

@ScsigsGaming

2 жыл бұрын

I had the same thing happen to me & am doing the same.

@MarkSmith-io3qd

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this. I met a girl a couple of months ago who has CPTSD and EUBPD and things were fine between us, she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship due to past trauma and her husband walking out o her three years ago. I visited her at her house a few times, her daughter even took to me immediately, which shocked her as the daughter doesn’t normally take to people so easily. She recently lost a good friend a couple of weeks ago and I was with her when she received the phone call and ever since then she has become increasingly ‘distant’ with me, to the point now where she hardly communicates with me via our usual daily WhatsApp messages. I’ve read that BPD sufferers tend to push people away when they feel they are becoming too close to them. I’ll be patient with her as I really like her and she has reciprocated the same feelings.

@LolaClo

Жыл бұрын

Best decision. They’ll do it again, unfortunately.

I have a friend with bpd, I try to understand her, but it's all give and no take. She's unreliable, doesn't actively listen, is self absorbed, very chaotic, and always needs to find a problem to fixate on. It's very very difficult being friends bpd people. You are constantly at the mercy of their emotions, they don't really care or have much interest in others feelings or life. It''s in all honesty a nightmare. My friend can be totally irrational and non sensical in the things she does, even paranoid. She let's me down very regularly and loves to talk AT me about her victim stories for hours, Its so draining. I've been a patient and understanding friend for her, but she's actually not a very good friend to me. She's split on me recently because I told her she was ungrateful, my life is peaceful and quiet again. I might just leave it this time, the drama they create is not fun for anyone. If someone isn't willing to help themselves then I've learnt that you should just stop trying.

@dontyouworryaboutme

Жыл бұрын

Its okay to choose yourself. Bpd is an explanation, not an excuse.

@lauraholbrook8852

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like she was a narcissist, which narcissism and BPD are extremely alike so it's easy to the two mixed up.

@watchxfiles

Жыл бұрын

My God I can so relate

@Busicmox

Жыл бұрын

Same here and I understand everything you said! It's draining and you feel numb or worthless after a certain time. I told her to go to a therapy and I would go with her and she said "she's already in therapy and don't need help from me". Truth is, she's done with the therapy and had it only 2 weeks because she broke up, is what her mother told me.

@lauraholbrook8852

Жыл бұрын

@JazziRae never accountable for anything and gaslighting? Hmm....like she shows no remorse at all ?

This is very helpful & offers a lot of insight, but I’m absolutely OVER years of this vicious cycle. I wish my friend well though.

@chrischee4888

9 ай бұрын

Truly... At the very least, we leave knowing our upper limit of tolerance, and it's much easier to see red flags now.

@gogogetter

8 ай бұрын

Same here. I finally ended our friendship. It was draining me and effecting my own mental health.

I'm not panicked, I'm just exhausted and tired of dealing with it. It sucks for them, but I'm not a saint, and I have too many mental illnesses of my own that I'm always having to be responsible for, I simply can't be managing those of a friend. I hope the person who has recently *nuked* the bridge will have a bit of self awareness this time to realize they did this. I'm tired of being the one to extend the olive branch, the one to rebuild, the one to hand-hold and guide them towards how to properly apologize. I'm constantly triggered these days, walking on eggshells, being reminded of the abuse I dealt with as a child. I know decent ppl with BPD who are actively in therapy and working on themselves, but I'm so done with people who outright refuse to work on themselves (no matter the Dx). I can only hope they don't stalk me and spread rumors about me, as that's a typical technique when they have a falling out with people.

@catc8927

2 жыл бұрын

I relate to everything you’ve written, as someone who’s been split on/is currently being split on by friends with BPD. It’s exhausting, it hurts, and I’m getting resentful because I’m only human and I have my own stuff to deal with too. All we can do is take good care of ourselves, remind ourselves that getting split black is not our fault, and accept that this is what that person is like if they’re not going to seek help.

@ausmr654

Жыл бұрын

@@catc8927 exactly. I lost contact with my best friend a year ago and I refuse to go back as it's happened multiple times now. I have CPTSD and decided i can't expend my energy supporting others when I'm trying to heal. It might be selfish but that's where I'm at atm.

@LolaClo

Жыл бұрын

I totally get what you’re saying. My husband doesn’t even acknowledge what he’s done and when he splits, he’s verbally abusive. I just can’t take it anymore.

@GS-gd4yc

5 ай бұрын

I totally get this. The hate and the verbal abuse are so hard to deal with. I’m a human being with my own issues and I’m not always up for the hate and degradation. Then when we put boundaries in place, we are even more hated and more degraded. It becomes so hard to remain understanding after years of being told to F off after we have remained supportive for long. And the vengeful behavior. The person with BPD just trying every angle to destroy me. I’ve become afraid to make contact with her, because it always ends with a tirade of verbal attacks and threats.

I’ve been friends with my neighbor for 2 years, but I had to break contact. She absolutely destroyed me mentally. I have Asperger’s and ADHD, so I need space to “recover” from human interactions, but she took complete control of my life. I had nothing left to myself. She called me 10 to 15 times a day, sometimes talking at me (not with me) for 4 - 5 hours each day. I barely got a word in, and when I did, she didn’t even listen to what I said. It didn’t matter if it was during the night, while I was at work, in the morning, while I was visiting my parents. It was constant. I started dreading looking at my phone. Then the bizarre accusations started flooding in. When I went a day without answering because I was in bed with a migraine, she would accuse me of sleeping with my neighbor, whom she has a crush on. I’ve never talked to this guy and he’s straight (I’m a gay man), so it just makes no sense. I told her to stop, and then she would just say “I was joking.” I told her again that it wasn’t funny to me and to stop. She kept doing it. She would question me whenever I went outside, and what I was doing if she saw me outside through her window. I literally had to give her status updates to where I was outside, even though I owed her nothing. I started having panic attacks for the first time in my life, and was completely broken. I couldn’t function at all. I just blew up on her and told her to leave me alone, because I couldn’t handle my boundaries being violated again and again. I’ve started improving mentally, but the anxiety she has ingrained in me is still here.

@charlyemmalouise8929

27 күн бұрын

I feel for you. And can totally imagine that what you described is true. I became friends with someone with bpd and tried to help him, moreso I’m willing to bet than anyone has in the last 10 years. Lent him loads of money and gave him so much of my time and energy. Of course I became his favourite person and eventually had to break it cos the messages, which were all self pitying, self centred and incredibly negative, just became too much. As you said, my heart would go over as I checked my phone and anticipated what his next disaster would be. Then he turned on me and is now engaged in a hate campaign. I could block him but I know he’ll just make new numbers and continue to harass me. I don’t know what to do. And all I have done is earnestly try to help him.

@londonuntergunther252

13 күн бұрын

I'm confident saying you both are likely dealing with NPD abuse. Maybe some BPD elements I'm not aware of but most of this reads like narc victims reports almost verbatim.

I had a girlfriend with this behavior pattern. Then the break up was abrupt and angry, just like you describe. Wish I knew more about what BPD was in that moment.

I’m reading the comments and all the trauma experienced by this group sounds exactly like what I went through. They used to idolize me, I exhausted myself to make my friend happy to no end, and the moment I called her out on something that wasn’t healthy - she abandoned me. She made it a surprise during her own wedding to name someone else the maid of honor at the very end - after I did all the work for them…

@MrBlueregard

2 ай бұрын

I am so sorry 😢

I’m currently being split black by someone who used to idolize me, but now only screams and cold-shoulders me. She blames me for anything bad even if it’s not related to me, and rarely apologizes. She has lots of BPD traits. I dreaded this split to black when she started to idealize me, but I underestimated how exhausted, hurt, and frustrated I’d be. I would gladly forgive her if she would just own up to her hurtful behavior, but she can’t seem to see beyond her own pain. As someone with CPTSD, I totally get how past traumas can set you up to lash out in inappropriate anger at people close to you. I got help via DBT and medications, and don’t do it anymore. I wish this person with BPD traits would have enough insight to get help via DBT for herself too …

@LXSeaV

Жыл бұрын

It is so exhausting. When I search around for how to deal with this, most articles are about how to support the person with the severe mental illness. But, I kind of resent that. I don't like this assumption that the rest of us should be enabling and accepting this behavior if they're not getting the help they need. I think we absolutely shouldn't. It causes us harm and what is the reward? Being drained even more. I will only stick around a person like this if they are actively in therapy and taking accountability whenever they can. Most of the people who act like this aren't, and they aren't going to if we keep trying to enable and people-please these people. They're basically like addicts, but their substance is abusive behavior. We need to let more of them hit their rock bottom and experience harsh consequences/losses if they don't take responsibility.

@Lin.1703

Жыл бұрын

Yes exactly this well said

@angelsilver.

Жыл бұрын

i’ve had such a similar experience. i’m my mind i always knew a falling out would eventually happen. they’d seem caring but always something never fully felt right. i’d observe how they’d trash their friends behind their back and would slowly devalue and discard them. but when they did it to me it was while i was mourning and had to focus on my family and mental health. they took that as me acting different towards them and they suddenly unfollowed me on social media. it blew me away how they can go from liking you to despising you so quickly.

@samtarga8684

Жыл бұрын

@@LXSeaV couldn't agree more. The world needs to adapt to them of they throw a tantrum. Everyone is tip towing around and nobody makes them accountable for their actions...it really resembles APD

@samtarga8684

Жыл бұрын

Holy word

I choose myself. Period

Such a genuine, authentic, heart-felt video. I wanted to believe. I was good to her. I fell in love with her. I would have done anything to help her. But she wouldn't talk to me. She left it up to me to figure things out. When I did, all the assurance in the world didn't matter. It's a shame...what could have been. Cheers mate.

I hate when I split on people I get angry and annoyed when people say nice things to me or do nice things for me. Its incredibly fkd up.

@aquiredskill

2 жыл бұрын

Define nice .. uhm you see that right ? They say things you like but you can’t accept . It’s not borderline my friend . They say it’s bordeline but it’s ptsd, and could be treated.

@backho5882

Жыл бұрын

This explains my neighbor she reacts so weird to positive reciprocation

@jkg2088

Жыл бұрын

Is there a distrust behind nice gestures? Do you feel the person has an agenda or is sucking up to you, manipulating you?

@cherrylane79

3 ай бұрын

@@aquiredskill Borderline is treatable also, with 5 years of DBT.

Thank you for explaining this in such a calm way. I found it very difficult with my ex that I could never know what was important to her, things changed constantly 180°.

My ex gf split on me over a year ago, and I still miss her and our friendship and connection. I didn’t abandon her and once I realized that she has Bpd, I only really had compassion for her. We started talking again and she admitted that she couldn’t even remember what it was that made her so angry, because it wasn’t a real thing. She seemed to be really struggling and kept asking me what I think is wrong with her. She asked me if I thought she was a narcissist. I really didn’t want to tell her but she kept pushing me. I finally sort of said it as a mumble, but she immediately latched on to it and recognized those traits in her mom. We resolved so much that night and there were a lot of tears but also the love was still there and we kissed. Unfortunately about two days later she turned on me again accusing me of “Google diagnosing her” and basically how dare I say that about her?. It was like being stabbed in the heart all over again. Since then she has gone completely silent. I want to support her as a friend and be there for her but she has turned her back on me again so I just have to wish her well from afar.

Friend tells me for the 3rd time in 2.5 years he no longer wants to be friends with me. Me realizing this pattern is never going to end tells him that’s okay and wishes him all the best. Friend tells me I’m abandoning him and blocks my telephone number and e-mail address. This also happened to his parents and siblings and at least 10 friends I know he had. He has no job anymore, because he cannot work together with other people. He completely isolated himself. Yet, it’s always the fault of the other person. It’s almost like being the victim makes him feel special.

@perfectionisboring6785

4 ай бұрын

Ditto same happened between me and my one childhood friend. She is facing the same karma of your friend. I was the last friend to abandon her. Her remaining friends cut off with her and she too got fired from her job and herself confessed to me that her team leader and managers had issues with her only since the starting of her job and also didn't get along with her roommates and Wardens in her hostel where she used to stay during her job.

When people lack insight, it's incredibly difficult for them to see you as an individual. Unfortunately BPD makes people self centred and with the lack of insight,it is like dealing with an infant at times. I think it's important to remember that BPD can be cured, so long as the person is engaging in therapy ❤

I had several splits pushed on me over the past years. Enough is enough. And I have made my peace with it. I wish her all the happiness in the world, even if she just got engaged to her violently abusive boyfriend, about to move across the country. But I will no longer put up with that.

What a lovely message you’ve offered here for people who are learning to navigate the waters of growing a friendship with someone who suffers with BPD. I appreciate your candor and clarity very much.

So basically to be this person’s friend, you have to subject yourself to mental abuse?? Not I said the cat….

@leighluvsrats

3 ай бұрын

then dont talk to us. you chose wether to be friends with a bpd person. we can’t help that are brains are fucked up

@ericaimsen4956

Ай бұрын

Hahahaha I love this pure comment

Thank you for creating a supportive and validating space for those of us grappling with this kind of situation.

@EarlyMorningBarking

Жыл бұрын

Always!

I just lost the friendship yesterday night and she blamed me for quite a valid reason but a mistake anyone could have done and I tried so hard to explain myself but it just wasn’t enough. I love this girl so much, she is an amazing person and loosing her is a horror to my mental and emotional health

@fulltimeonfire8536

Жыл бұрын

You say you tried to explain yourself but you didn't mention wether you explicitly apologised for whatever it was you did that turned her against you...

@headfirstforhomos

Жыл бұрын

exact thing has just happened to me

@Adrian-fo1wu

Жыл бұрын

Why do i feel like no one will ever love me like she did..love bombing is scary

@ferolinilevi9868

10 ай бұрын

Apologizing and explaining yourself is futile. It can take days, weeks or months before they come out of the splitting episode. Its very painful. Especially if you are really a commited genuine friend. In my case we have been friends since 8 and 9yrs old. We are almost 40 now. Only this year did i learn about this. And it explains so much. I always knew she had Complex PTSD from a lot of horrific abuse her whole childhood and her relationships. Then when she was diagnosed with this earlier this year, i started to research so i could better understand. And it explained so much. She has recently split on me. She definitely only hears what will enforce negative assumptions. And in an episode will use the the fact i have a good partner and not all my kids have behaviour disorders like hers. It was strange that someone I've known my whole life could twist my words and intentions in the absolute opposite direction. I look after her children for respite aswell so makes things hard as i am her only support and her only true friend. She hasnt split on me so badly in a while. I hope this passes. I love her very much. And i know its not personal, but it feels awful at the time. Hard to react without attaching my own emotions. But i know its not personal.

Greta video. This is why I choose to keep my social circle small. No social media, no friends, small amount of family. So I can be stable for those who really need me

I don’t have time for these creatures. They dig the holes they find themselves in. Apathy is a saving grace.

My friend has said in passing before that her therapist thinks she has bpd, but not knowing much about it, it didn't occur to me that what I saw as an unfair overreaction, or immature reaction, was actually splitting. So, she texted me a complaint about her family leaving her out of something at 8pm, and I didn't even look at any of my texts until 9am next morning, but it was too late by then, she was 'gone.' I sensed her standoffishness and asked what was wrong (I still hadn't seen the text). She railed into me, basically saying I'm a bad friend, and I don't care. This is the second time she has pulled this with me. I haven't been able to understand the knee jerk responses. For instance, if I didn't get a response, I would first check in, like "didn't you get my text?" and then if the person says "omg I'm so sorry, I completely missed it!" I would feel immediately better, but my friend seems either unconvinced, or my error was so egregious that she can't let it slide at all. I also tend to wring my hands and think to myself "I must've done something terrible for her to go dark on me like this, or feel so hurt by not responding to her text." Then I realize her punishment doesn't fit my supposed crime, and why automatically assume the absolute worst of me? I felt like this friendship was doomed, and I shouldn't have to grovel over minor mishaps and mistakes here and there; I'm frickin human after all. It's been two days of weird silence in the office (we're colleagues) and I stumbled upon your bpd videos and now it all makes sense. I'll give her time to cool off, I'll stop apologizing, and I'll reassure her I'm not going anywhere, but these episodes aren't going to send me reeling anymore (if I can help it.)

@angelsilver.

Жыл бұрын

something SOOO SIMILAR happened to me. I didn’t properly read a specific text they sent in a conversation so i didn’t reply the way they wanted and then suddenly i was a bad friend. this was while i was mourning and grieving the loss of a family member. so though i understand that’s how they’re mind works, they knew i was depressed and mourning loss, so i gladly let them go. a simple mistake like that, my punishment shouldn’t be that, especially during what i was going through. i’ll even add that they never checked on me once during it so another reason i’m relieved.

@chilo8187

Жыл бұрын

I’m so sorry your friend did this. ☹️ I have BPD and I’ve learned over time to try and be vulnerable rather than defensive or angry, so in her place I would actually say I was very sad and that I felt like I was being ignored and that I now understood that wasn’t true and we could be ok….the overreaction would happen in my mind but I wouldn’t act out on it, and try to remain open minded to possibilities aside from “this person hates me” such as “they have a life, maybe they are busy or sleeping etc, not everything is about me”…it has taken many years of therapy but I hope your friend can reach peace because I guarantee she hates herself for being this way but it is still not OK that she hurts you.

@cutiefox6455

11 ай бұрын

How is your relationship one year later?

The mother of my two very young children, ages 4 and 2, has done this to me twice. She also has 8 other behavioral health conditions on top of the BPD, so there a whole lot of overlap of symptoms and behavior. I don't know how much is the BPD versus the other issues she struggles with . What I do know is that when it happens, I am suddenly this monster in her eyes. What's worse thoush, is that she dumps all of her trauma on me as the cause. Like all the abuse and suffering she has endured throughout her life is my fault or I get accused of it. She has a really bad substance abuse and sexual abuse history. All of that was before me but somehome when she "splits" I become the villain that caused all her trauma. I just wish it would stop. I was there for her when her family and everyone she knew had given up on her. I try to be understanding, but you can only be kicked when you're down so much. Sadly, my children are the real victims when she splits though. My four year old knows and knew something was amiss with his mom, but he just can't understand it. Trying to explain mental health to a 4 year old, let alone helping him cope with the dissolution of his family is so hard. He just wants his family back but can't have it because she denies her BPD. What makes matters worse is that the profoundly abusive family that directly contributed to her problems has deep pockets. They deny mental health treatment everyday but are more than willing to throw thousands of dollars at lawyers to take the children from me. Yep, twice now on the legal front too. I lost everything I had in the first one to legal costs trying to protect my first. Now I've lost both my children because her and her family have ruined me financially, the courts don't understand BPD and lawyers are more than willing to take every false idea that splitting generates in her mind as fact. She believes it, so I must be a monster that she and the children have to protected from. I hate BPD so much. I wish it was understood better and I wish it was understood that "splitting" creates fantasies and fiction to justify one's actions. The first split last 17 months. We are well beyond that metrict this second time and there's no sign of it stopping.

@londonuntergunther252

13 күн бұрын

You brought up so many rough memories for me. I have endless respect for you as a person. I don't for a moment think you're flawless, but what I just read was my own thoughts from nearly ten years ago. I wanna shank your hand, if not give you a hug.

I’m starting to wonder about a friend of mine and her constant outbursts and abuse then lovebombing and laughing about it after. I’m over it and pissed at myself for tolerating it for more than a year. I hate her so much.

@sianoliver552

Жыл бұрын

Are you guys ok now? Been a month for me now and I miss her but the disrespect got too much!

Thank you for the humanistic explanation. Truly many loved ones know the person is suffering and try hard to understand, love and care but if the person is not sharing how much they're hurting we can never fully understand because we are not in their shoes. Unfortunately there is no such thing as unconditional love except the love that a mother has for her kids thus no matter how much we love our friends, siblings and partners, at some point we will run out of gas and walk away or become mentally damaged and there won't be someone to care for them. It is catch 22! In my opinion, the best approaches are one of these: 1. walk away 2. Stay but detach emotionally, don't fulfill their infinite demands(limit) and criticize them for their bad behavior. And if they choose to leave, let them go. Nobody can satisfy someone who receives so much love, loyalty and care yet keep hurting you and when you call them out hurts you more. You give good they give bad sadly. It's like talking to a wall. Since they have no sense of identity, they see us as ONE person and are blind to our own feelings, needs and wants. When I married my wife and noticed strange behaviors, I immediately researched about personality disorders and had a chat with a psychiatrist and the conclusion was BPD. I asked her to go for therapy or we are done. She refused and I walked away. Enough of wasting 14 months of my life. Conclusion: the choice is to walk away or become another BPD and both of you sink together. You can't have your own identity if you are with a BPD person.

This is so interesting I'm sure it’s what my friend of 50 years has. I’ve experienced either full love yous, or nasty remarks, saying she doesn’t care about this or that,or what I say. Then the next time all is normal for her. I’ve endured a lot , and her me , life happens but not like this time. She just split black on me it sounds exactly like this; after imagining me breaking a dinner out together, imagined I was snubbing her (because I missed her calls during the day, they went right into voice mail I didn’t know about) , and imagining me going out of town to another g friends place , instead of our dinner. It was all in her mind. I have never in our life shunned our plans for someone else. I showed up at the restaurant and was told she cancelled the reservation an hour before. Her explanation by email was the above stinky thinking. Now she tells me she’s going through health issues she does not want to discuss. Fine I respect that. But not her last line of “if I feel better I’ll call you”. She has never told me what’s wrong!!! This time I am going to let it AND her go, give her space and respect, and hope her health returns someday.

Excellent video. I just got split by a friend. Now im in the right state of mind to understand and will give her time. Thanks.

@EarlyMorningBarking

3 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

@tionytim3333

3 жыл бұрын

@@EarlyMorningBarking How long does the split last?

@cof...

3 жыл бұрын

@@tionytim3333 I'm a month late but as someone with BPD, it's pretty much random. She either split on you forever, or she just needs time to look back and realize that you aren't a bad guy and won't hate you anymore. She very likely just needs time. I hope everything is okay now though.

@nilssimon1774

2 жыл бұрын

@@cof... how do i know if she split on me forever? i really miss her

@Itstoolate-q7g

Ай бұрын

​​@@nilssimon1774 I hope you got your answer. With BPD, you just never know

I Split by my Best friend, we were friends for 20 years we grew up together. She do this things very often but i understand she came back always. But now i feel she Is very angry with me, I have a disabled daugther and she doesnt understand that some times i cant be present for her. She says she was ok but she stoped answer my texts and she post a lot of things that hurts, like Fake friends or things like that. Im hurting a lot because i feel this Time she Is discarting me for good. Im very sad but I know I did nothing wrong, I always been her fríend no matter her mental issues but she Is so rude and hurtfull now that i cant talk to her anymore and it hurts how she tell everybody that im a bad friend and I abandoned her

This helped me so much . I already knew she was very sensitive and feared abandoning and took things wrong that where so little but it helps to be validated by someone with it since she won’t . It has been so confusing for me to be in this friendship and I feel like I keep trying and wanting to be there but it’s all about her and her feelings and mine don’t matter . I’ve had to step back for my own mental health but the door is open I just want her to get help . It’s so black and white and I’m therapy is bad to her so I’m worried she won’t get it and if I suggest it it’s an insult but then she will bring it up and say she needs it so it’s like what do you want haha this video has helped me so so much

I suspect my friend might have BPD. It's tough seeing her repeat the same painful mistakes. She spends recklessly, quits jobs suddenly, surrounds herself with toxic people, oversexualize her appearance, craves constant attention, manipulates others, goes through wild mood swings, and can get verbally aggressive. Whenever I offer advice or even just a suggestion, she gets defensive and angry. Recently, she suddenly decided to drop a networking activity that we were organizing together, accusing me of treating her like she's beneath me. But we'd literally talked about it a few hours before and everything was fine! Anyway, even if I was really confused, I said I was sorry that she felt that way, but I needed to understand and I asked for examples. She kept saying she forgets stuff and couldn't remember what I did wrong... After some time, she finally gave an example. She said I made her look dumb when I mentioned her past business partner had tried to manipulate her. She claimed I belittled her because I should not have commented as she already knows my opinion on this guy. But she's the one who always brings up that topic! Then she said I have a savior complex, always trying to help even when she doesn't want it. But I've never pushed opinions or forced anything on her. If I point out her choices might not be the best, she sees it as an attack and gets really angry! Here's the sad thing - she literally told me she wants to make her own mistakes without any help... But honestly, I think she needs to talk to a mental health pro. That said, after her dramatic reaction to a tiny comment, I'm not sure if I should even bring it up.

@kartikgitm

Жыл бұрын

a friend of mine very similar Im just gonna cut off with her this time its super draining😢

@anaisgeoffrion2819

Жыл бұрын

@@kartikgitm I understand 😓

This advice sounds great...but what if I have tried many times in different ways?? When does one say "enough is enough"? It's been a year...and she reached out during the holidays and then nothing once again. She made plans...but then didn't follow through (which happened a handful of times even before discarding me). There comes a time when one has to retain our self respect and simply just walk away for good.

I'm glad to understand what bpd is all about more and I see that its often extremely difficult. That said, intentions and internal feelings only go so far. The behavior is what counts and eventually, the toxicity becomes unacceptable.

This video has made me so emotional - ten months ago a very close friend stopped talking to me and I've been trying to navigate what's happened ever since. I do suspect she has BPD (and she suspected it herself, she told me once). What happened almost a year ago suspiciously sounds like splitting. I was really upset, naturally and I still cannot really get over but watching this video helped me clear my head. I would like to talk to her if she would ever reach out, I would tell her what went wrong but I don't know how I'd handle it. I know even if we talked again it wouldn't be the same because so much proved to be so utterly disfunctional. Maybe it would be for the best if things changed, maybe it would be for the best if we never talked again. Time will tell, I guess. Thank you for the video and I sincerely wish you all the best!

@sunbeam9222

10 ай бұрын

I was going out with this guy for 6 months he demonstrated a handful of "mildish" splitting episodes before and would apologize afterwards. To be honest it didn't affect me that much. The last one tho, I truly became an enemy in his mind. And so I said ok then I understand you're mad but I don't need to hear those mean words so good night. Next day he apologised briefly. I was ok no worries but I'm still confused about those things you said about me, hoping to obtain clarity as to how he viewed me, am I the love of your life or am I enemy number 1 to you? And then boom. He went mad. And was " doooooone" with me. It was a year ago. Never saw him again. I understand much more now, and would have acted differently would have I the necessary knowledge. And also see how he truly made efforts to not lash out on many many occasions. I truly respect bpd struggles. But I also am not sure at all it would have made things any better. We could be walking around happily hand in hand on a sunny day, sit down for a drink and then in the flip of an instant, he pulls out his hand and refuses to engage. Stands up , gets super agitated, he needs to leave right now ( preferably without me) And you're like huh? Turns out it was the way I talked to waiter, it was flirty 🤨 I couldn't care less about the waiter it's you I love and flirt with, no one else. But he wouldn't hear it at the time. And then he's gone awol couple days. This sure is not for the faint hearted.

I can echo so many of the other comments made here, but I need to add one of my own. I have been through this splitting cycle with my friend several times now, and I hear you clearly when you say that what is really needed is some understanding. I have honestly tried so hard, and I believe I can be there for my friend, but the one thing I'm afraid I cannot go through again, is that when I do my very level best to practice understanding, I am repaid with contempt. It feels as if my friend has zero respect for the fact that I would try to understand. What am I, what is anyone, supposed to do with that?

@stephaniefan1114

2 жыл бұрын

May I asked what you did for your friend after Splitting happened? I'm going through something similar. I said a comment to a BPD friend which he perceived as an attack on his looks. It's been a month and still won't talk to me despite me trying to apologize in person and in written letter. I'm hurt and I don't understand why someone can go from being best friends to strangers after one comment - as if all that we'd been through before is tossed aside. What do you think I should do?

@johanvanderlinden4331

2 жыл бұрын

@@stephaniefan1114 I am so sorry you are experiencing that pain. I know exactly how much it hurts, and how confusing it is when it feels like everything good about the friendship is just thrown away. This is an incredibly painful disorder, for the person who suffers from it and for those who care about them. There is no magic wand, but I think there are a few things we can do to help, or at least to get through it, when the splitting comes. I'm not a therapist or an expert of any kind, just a guy who has learned a little along the way on this journey. (1) Take good care of yourself. There is no way you can help another person or be a good friend if you are run down. Put the focus on what you need to be at your best. (2) Know that you cannot fix your friend. There are no words you can say or actions you can take that will make him well. (3) Know that what you can do is to support him with empathy and truth. (4) Communicate with him one more time, in writing is best so that he can take it in at his own pace. Use "I" statements. Write something like, "I am truly sorry that my comment was hurtful. I care about you and never intended to hurt you. I value our friendship and I believe it is worth saving. I want to be your friend, and I will respect and honor your decision. (5) Give him space and time, and accept his decision. Again, I am so sorry for your pain, and I wish you all the best. One thing to remember as you travel this road, the person with BPD often fears engulfment as much or more than they fear abandonment, and for this reason they often discard the ones they love the most. It is truly a terrible human tragedy.

@stephaniefan1114

2 жыл бұрын

@@johanvanderlinden4331 thank you very very much for your sincere and super helpful reply. I think I just have a very hard time managing my expectations of this broken friendship. I have tried and am trying so hard to be empathetic and understanding but I've forgotten how to take good care of my own well-being in the process. I hold no anger, but am just get saddened by the abrupt end of this friendship. I've been losing sleep trying to understand it all. What's worse is we have to see each other every day and he's my colleague. It makes it that much more awkward and hard for me. It's almost unfair how BPD makes him almost "immune" to the hurt he's caused me because he doesn't experience friendship the same way. Thank you so much again, Johan for helping me. I've written down your recommendations and I hope that in a few months' time, I'll have learnt to let go. Take care! xxx

@tempkinvient

Жыл бұрын

I feel this. Understanding helps, but I could not be doing this emotional work to manage her personality disorder anymore, her needs were crossing my boundaries, and any attempt to have boundaries was “cruel”. My personal “you can eff right off”moment was when she compared me to her mother who allowed a paedophile to abuse her while splitting. BPD explains, but doesn’t make me think that is someone it is healthy to be friends with

I have BPD and have split on my friend/favorite person more times than I’d like to admit. The last time was two months ago and it was bad. I found this video then and considered sending it to him but didn’t. I hadn’t heard back since, even I tried fixing it. It’s probably reached the point where it’s irreparable. I’ve watched this video and read the comments many times since then and I never really considered how abusive my words and actions were. To those who chose not to accept your friend with BPD back in your lives, I don’t blame you at all.

i have bpd. i think its best for me to keep to myself. im done with relationships and friendships. its best for me to be alone. I do better alone

@Rosehybride

9 ай бұрын

I was like this before I met my most recent favorite person, once he showed me that men can be compassionate, nurturing, respectful and mature I realized it wasn’t that I was undeserving of love I’m not ready for it. He showed me I deserve love but I have to fucking work for it because of my trauma and that’s ok!

@Westcoastaurora

Ай бұрын

Just go to therapy and treatment and learn to manage your symptoms

I love your tone and approach in this video, mate. My step-daughter split on me. You're doing great work here.

@EarlyMorningBarking

Ай бұрын

Thank you kindly!

i had a toxic BPD friend who i got her to the dirty work of ending the friendship after 16 years. all i can think about is the song Feather by Sabrina Carpenter now im freeeeee!! no more horrible BPD toxic friend to be a slave to anymore she can get lost! :D

Thank you so much for this video 🙏 dealing with this right now. I'm devastated. But this helped me much 🙏

don't have a diagnosis yet but discussed having borderline traits with my psych. really desperately want to send this to a friend i've split on. just because it captures how i've been feeling so well

@oliviamartini9700

2 жыл бұрын

I think most people have it to some degree (but it's the degree that counts). Just apologize and say you overreacted. I've had borderline friends who use it as an excuse for bad behaviour and that's way more infuriating.

I split on my FP/now ex in October. It was terrible & I have regretted it ever since. I’m grateful it happened bc it was what sent me to therapy and I got my diagnosis but why did it have to be him? Why did this have to happen & I read all these comments & it makes me feel so bad for the people who have to experience us. I feel like I’m drowning but I know I will come through this a better person.

@Tortasan

Жыл бұрын

How is it going now? My partner (or ex now) split on me and still don't know what to do

@g3nj1

9 ай бұрын

Same thing. Except the girl I split on was always going to leave me anyway. I may have not been nice to her because she was avoidant, wore a false mask, lead me on, just in general a bad person... I forgot what point I was trying to make.

BPD sounds so much like emotional immaturity. I’m too old for it and will not make room in my life for people who throw these kind of epic fits. I simply don’t have the bandwidth to take time from friends who don’t attack me, and give it to someone who does.

Thank you for the encouragement. I suspect my friend has BPD, but am hesitant to ask.

This video ... was helpful but also provoked so much thought. Been with a man for 4 years now this month and he started splitting just 2 weeks into meeting me. 4 years is a long time - in that span, he has probably split (.. went from being talkative, to unresponsive, ignored, then ghosted...) only to come back and hoover me weeks, sometimes months (6 mo+) later - with no attempt to explain his actions or thought process. Me, being overly empathic, did everything to be accommodating - was overly available to him. I suspected early on that he had BPD - he would not dive deeper into his issues but mentioned being broken early on. Got it. We all have some amount of childhood trauma, many of us struggle with anxiety and depression - but here's the thing: I understand being there for someone. But... there has to be a point where you realize you cannot save them. This video helped me understand, but at the same time, I thought "... is there any remorse for the people you hurt?" No - because like my friend, never once did he care about how I felt, what "I" was going through, "understanding me" - it was always about him: I'm broken Don't give up on me Everyone has given up on me... Everyone has always left me I can see why (now) -- never has he apologized for the shit he has put me though. You can show someone understanding and love, and CUT THEM OFF. This guy I have known has to know that this cycle is toxic - how can he not? Yet he does not care. It does not get better. No amount of giving, sympathy, empathy, understanding or support will help them change. This guy I have known for this long refuses therapy - perhaps because he won't accept responsibility for his behavior (like many others with BPD). That is a sure fire sign that there is no personal growth going on in their life. There is no attempt to want to get better. I understand, mental illness is hard. But you know, there are many people going through shit in life that have to face their own battles - as I tell my kids, you cannot play the pity card for life. LIFE MOVES. Live moves with or without you. So while I understand BPD and the issues that those with that mental illness face, it is not conducive to a relationship. I'm not going to sacrifice my own well being for someone who can't communicate, respect my emotions, or my efforts and I'm surely not going to continue to be a doormat for those struggling with BPD (or any mental illness) who have no desire to get help/therapy (and perhaps instead, like my friend, turning to substance abuse). I will love you from a distance. I will love you in my heart. But you will not be part of my life. I wasted four years with someone who still, to this day, cannot communicate. 40+ years old and can't use his words. No excuse for that type of behavior, mental illness or not. It's just common courtesy. Thanks for the video.

@kellyl11082

11 ай бұрын

This honestly does sound like someone who is a narcissist because the difference here is they are void of all emotions, they two love bomb, gaslight, discard and return but only if they need something from you. With narcs there is always always always a motive to why the give you any time of day. Sorry for your experience but one thing is for sure anyone who has experienced this stuff must agree in turn in makes you a hella lot stronger and wiser. So silver lining I suppose and we can thank them for that. ❤

A few months ago i was diagnosed with BPD, and now that i know whats going on in my head, i actually choose to not have friends because being around other people, especially women is extremely difficult for me and i dont want to do anything to hurt anyone and cause them to think im toxic, so i choose to keep to myself.

@lauraholbrook8852

2 жыл бұрын

@@beyourself9162 thank you for your kind words and understanding. I am currently seeing a therapist and have talked about DBT so i will definitely look into it more!

@cristymakes6026

Жыл бұрын

You cant heal relationship damage OUTSIDE of a relationship. You need relationships to heal what scares you about relationships, otherwise how will you work on gaining what you actually want? Which is connection and love?

@lauraholbrook8852

Жыл бұрын

@Cristy Makes I have a husband and two kids that love me.

@Itstoolate-q7g

Ай бұрын

How are things after dbt?

@lauraholbrook8852

Ай бұрын

@@Itstoolate-q7g never did it

My best friend has quiet BPD. We are friends for past 12 years. There is no single day when we didn't talk in the last 12 years. I came to know about his condition around 6 years back in 2017. We had a small fight and after that he went into rage mode he started punishing me in the different ways. It could be breaking my things, completely avoiding me on my fathers hospitalization, silent treatment when i needed the support the most. last year he had a split on a very small argument when I approached him again he punished me, took revenge on me. When he was satisfied with his punishment then only he accepted back in my life. This cycle has happened many times in the last 12 years. Again he had a split last month with no contact at all. But this time i am not going back to him and not even accepting him if he comes back. Because his extreme rage and punishments which go for months and months just to check the loyalty in friendship is draining me now. I have to think of my mental health. Even after knowing his conditions for last 6 years i stayed with him just to help him. But can't handle any more revenges and punishment even when i am giving 100% in this friendship.

@Itstoolate-q7g

Ай бұрын

Update?

Right now I'm dealing with this. A very close friend has BPD and I'm like her free therapist, I listen to her closely and give my advice and opinion. A few days ago, told me she didn't want to talk with me in "a while", that was going to block me and not to try to call her by phone because she wouldn't pick up. All of this because a stupid joke I made while talking on whatsapp over a little discussion we had. It's the second time she blocks me, but the difference is the 1st time she didn't tell me and now she did. She unblocked me hours later to tell me something about a matter we have with money, and didn't block me back but we haven't talked at all since then. This situation makes me very anxious and upset. Yes, it's hard to deal with this emotionally, and yes, there are times I want to quit and don't look back but she doesn't deserve this and I wan't to be her support for as long as she allows me to. This is the reason I watched this video, and I thank you so much for giving so much insight into this.

It gets especially old when the person splitting is keenly aware of their condition and dialectic behavioural therapy, yet they do nothing to heal. I have been someone’s doormat for 5 years. Done.

@londonuntergunther252

13 күн бұрын

Respect yourself. Be kind when appropriate, but have boundaries.

Man you just made me cry great explanation.

This makes complete sense why our former friend behaved the way she did to us. When you said their reactions are black and white, that's exactly how she was. She didn't really know how to take accountability for her wrong-doing, even with proof slapping her in the face. Didn't help that a full-blown narcissist was on her side. He was actually the one we took issue with, but because she was so attached to him, she sided with him. It was sad to see. A long friendship gone down the drain because she couldn't regulate how she felt, and lashed out at both my husband and I. Eventually she ended up losing most of the friends in the group (6 total) because of how toxic she and the narc was. It was a bad combination... I do partially blame her though, because she knew she had BPD, but was refusing therapy and help for it because she just didn't care. :( Well, you lost all your friends, so good job.

Except they don't always change their mind about you, they stay hating you forever or if not that, still just not wanting anything to do with you. To be treated just like all of their other ex's and all the toxic projecting garbage about the person and they are viewed as abusive and they have convinced their friends and family that you are abusive too.

@sunbeam9222

10 ай бұрын

I think that's what happened to me , split on suddenly over a year ago and not heard back from them. Oh well I got to accept and respect their choice. Good job I have beautiful people around and a stable environment.

@shebreathesingold8043

9 ай бұрын

Yes, because splitting doesn't just happen as the video implies - due to nothing at all. It can also happen for legitimate reasons, too, even if the anger is still overblown. But post-anger that person will still have that legitimate complaint and if enough of those add up they will "hate you" or just not want to be around you, the same as anyone else. I'm not saying this happened here. Maybe all their complaints were illogical, but a person with BPD can legitimately dislike someone or have grievances that add up until they've had enough and walk away. Again, they could have been overblown but if they left, that means enough of the residual complaints added up to them not thinking the relationship was worth it. Just move on at this point and be thankful you are more stable than someone with BPD. Because BDP is a daily battle.

@Itstoolate-q7g

Ай бұрын

​@sunbeam9222 they'll probably reach out again. Especially if they see you in person

I just gone through a extremely confusing divorce. My wife starting going through something deep after she gave birth to my son in 2017. I thought it was postpartum boy was I wrong. She was hiding something and her family was hiding something. I’m a very understanding easy going guy. When we got married we moved to where she’s from in maryland. I didn’t know a lot of people. So I was always with her and her folks. But it wasn’t until she started to stay home from work after she had my son that she started trying to control me. I coach high school basketball I play basketball and developed a community down here outside of her and her family. She once had me apologize for having friends. I did it to keep the peace. Last fall she started arguments that made no since and it would happen frequently. I figured this was her splitting. She filed for divorce because she said she wasn’t happy and would tell me it wasn’t fair that I have to change for her. None of it made since. It was like she was constantly trying to push me away with problems. But I kept having solutions than she finally threw in the towel and left. Now the extremely terrible part is she tried to get rid of me after. By faking an abuse allegation. It didn’t work now we’re co parenting but she doesn’t tell me anything and stays away. She tries to alienate me from the kids constantly. Now she’s praises our son for everything and he can’t do anything wrong. But she neglects our daughter. I know she had BPD but she doesn’t know I know. I didn’t learn about it not until the divorce was over. Thanks for these videos because everything makes since now

@abutterfly7975

Жыл бұрын

Children should not have to endure that, they can be removed for neglect, sounds like you should have them full time maybe. Narcissist will do that with children too, sick behaviour.

@Plplj164

10 ай бұрын

You are such a great person.

A friend recently texted me and told me she was ending our friendship out of the blue and it is so confusing but looking back at her behaviors and choices … seems to me she as undiagnosed BPD it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. She blocked me just one morning … phone, email and social media. I blocked her back to protect myself cause I don’t do emotional drama filled rollercoaster rides it is not my style. It just hurts and is sad she doesn’t have any healthy friendships now.

They are Sick! they will be terribly mean and hurt you again and again! Run!!!!

@chessgame00

3 ай бұрын

You are thinking of narcissists. Get a fkn grip.

@Itstoolate-q7g

Ай бұрын

Bingo! Everyone tip toes around the issue instead of calling them out for who they are

@krautPolishsausage

25 күн бұрын

⁠​⁠People like you make me sick. You don't know how they feel during that, nor do I, but the least you can do is try your hardest to understand. My best friend has BPD and he is actively trying to get help, and he's the nicest and most understanding person I've known. I wouldn't trade being friends with him for anything else. Of course there are abusive, genuinely horrible people who happen to have BPD out there but that goes for anybody. And yes, you should obviously cut off people like that. But generalizing only makes everything worse

@chessgame00

24 күн бұрын

@@krautPolishsausage they're confusing BPD with NPD because social media has everyone on high alert for Narcs now that nobody can even have a bad day without traumatizing someone for life. Best wishes and thots for your friend and their support network.

just try to talk with them? i did and i got shamed and blame-shifted, all the while telling me if i have any concerns to let them know and they will try reassure me/address the issue. Literally stepped onto a trap he placed out for me under the guise of support, just to swipe my leg off. figuratively speaking

@nerdturd8718

2 жыл бұрын

@Bia Oliveira gaslighting, blame-shifting, guilt tripping and last but not least shaming right? because that's exactly what happened to me too. "just try talk with them" that advice makes me wonder if they've even dealt with someone who has bpd.

@nerdturd8718

2 жыл бұрын

@@evenceflux1852 if you're still trying with them, you need to leave them. the most toxic thing to yourself AND them is to stay. that's enabling their behaviour. unfortunately it will always be an uphill battle until they seek out therapy for their condition and even then it can take YEARS. you can't suggest therapy because they either tell you they have worked on their bpd themselves and feel they don't need a therapist (that's what my bpd friend said at the time, now blocked) or they will lose their sht again and make you feel bad. my therapist said that they're very difficult and borderline abusive individuals and they don't seem to realise they are and it's a shame because they're not initially bad people. they're just severely broken

@Markai1994

Жыл бұрын

Yep, yes and absolutely. Complete mind-games, shaming and blaming. And to make matters worse I believed all of that crap for a while. I believed because the way she executed what she did to me was so brilliantly laid out - this girl knew my deepest insecurities and my biggest core wounds and she bit when I said something she didn't like. Sent me to a horrible place - but at least I found out I have complex PTSD and have been working towards healing it. These types of relationships are not for the faint hearted. I've let her stay in my life since everything happened because I was at such a low point and part of me hoped that maybe I was just paranoid. Maybe it was because of my Complex PTSD - maybe they're right and if I fix what is wrong with me they will forgive me for the thing I said that they didn't like. (It wasn't even THAT bad... and I apologized straight away... by the way.) They offered me counsel and "kindness" - Imagine someone punching you in the face and then hugging you while your face is bleeding and comforting you. It was a real rollercoaster, I've gotten to a point where I'm unable to maintain any relationship with them - for a while I considered mending the relationship if this person took accountability for what they did but I'm at a point where to me, it is over. There is only so much abuse one can handle.

@nerdturd8718

Жыл бұрын

@@Markai1994 unfortunately this is who they are and it wont change anytime soon. i adored my friend who had bpd, they're so sweet and considerate, they make you feel wanted and needed. and then once they get closer to you... once they start to actually like you.. in a cruel twist of fate their minds start to become more and more suspicious of you. the more they care about you the more paranoid and abusive they become. it's mainly a self defence mechanism but it's so engrained in them they have no idea what they're doing wrong. they seem to be aware of it but they can't stop it, they can't control it almost like it's just like breathing to them. it's both sad and horrible.. because all you want to do is be there for them and show you mean well and you have their backs because you adore them, but all they do is push you away if you do 1 thing they don't like. then completely distrust you and make you feel bad all the while acting like a saint. i'd say people with bpd have severe trust issues that go beyond the norm, they have lack of self awareness when they're in that manic state and from there it only gets worse because reasoning with them or trying to fix it seems to make it worse. i felt so sad having to block him (my friend with bpd) but he was being completely unfair towards me. deeming me as this bad person when i know for a fact i'm not. im not perfect by any means but im not as bad as he was making me out to be i can promise that. i really just wanted to be a part of his life that made him happy. though i know i'm not the first person he's acted this way towards and i wont be the last. i do feel bad for people with bpd, they will be in a perpetual state of thinking everyone is out to get them and no one is there for them. the saddist part is i felt like that anyway and i don't have bpd, so i thought maybe i could be the one person to help them and show them i'm decent. unfortunately not. you did the best you could, and you reached your limit which is perfectly normal and in many cases necessary. you did the right thing by leaving.

@Markai1994

Жыл бұрын

@@nerdturd8718 Thank you so much. This thread of comments is the first place I've felt somewhat sane in over a year. Warning: long story coming: What made this extremely difficult for me is that that person blocked me and accused me of being abusive. They were there for me and supporting me through a horrible relationship (It's how we became friends) and then they started saying and acting towards me the same way my ex partner had even though she knew how much pain I had been through and how long it took me to recover. My first childhood friend had a lot of mental health issues and use to cut off everyone on and off for years - a couple of years ago that friend cut me and everyone out for good. (They found me online four years later and apologized... I forgave them, let them in, blah blah.. and they cut me off again out of the blue. This time it was an adult doing that so no. Just no.) ... I was very reserved especially when it came to friendships and trusting anyone to get close to me but my friend who destroyed me with now BPD managed to get me to trust her and confide my deepest insecurities - it took nearly two years for me to open up to her and then a few years later she blocked me everywhere and sent me a breakup audio. Say to say I was completely shattered as I had not fully dealt with my own trust issues - complex PTSD... so on so fourth. She knew right well how badly that would hurt me - where she even discussed it with her counsellor whether she should do it or not. Her counsellor said no. She did it anyways. She blocked me on all social media but kept my phone number unblocked in case I needed her as she would "never fully block me out" so she left me ? but she didn't ? it was twisted for over a year but I've come to a point where I just cannot. I've tried to meet up with her to discuss things recently and she started the blame came in a "nice way" again...but I just can't handle it anymore my sanity is too close to snapping.

I have also BPD and I have an wonderful partner who show's a lot of compassion when I'm splitting. I know that I am wrong to treat him like that and I always apologize and take responsibility, but it is not easy to deal with BPD, not just for the partner but especially for the person with this disorder. But I can tell you from my experience; it is possible to work this out with love, patience and compassion. When you have a partner who loves you enough and who is able to not take it personally but understands it as an serious disorder which is due to multiple traumata.

Can't help but feel disgusted towards my friend with BPD. Insane levels of toxicity, with no regard for anyone but their favorite person. Absolutely bonkers.

The only way I keep friends is to keep my mental problems as separate from them as possible. It is not their fault that I am mentally ill. So I try to deal with my mental problems with professionals such as my counselor. This way my friends don't get overwhelmed.

@kellyl11082

11 ай бұрын

Thank you I have a friend who does the same and seems to help for the most part. We both know it’s there but as I told her she is not her bpd but she has bpd. Big difference there and takes some of the stigma out of it. It’s draining I know first hand but if the person will get DBT dialectical behavior therapy and stick to it through all the modules then there is a pretty good chance they will have learned the skills needed to navigate through life a little better. This is not a cure and there will be ups and downs as with anybody really but now they’ll have a toolbox of ingrained learned skills to work off of and then make choices. There is hope and BPD does not have to be an end all to relationships HOWEVER this can only be true if the person is willing to commit to getting help 100%. I work with clients who have bpd in my practice and I will tell everyone of them this and I mean it ….”I will never work harder than you”. That is a foundation that both parties can at least respect and agree to usually.

​​​@jassorjasmine7092 I totally hear you. Same here. Word-for-word *exactly* same! Thing is, you have to know what you are dealing with to know what to do (or not to do). You have to get painfully burned to learn. Then, it's up to you, to never let yourself get emotionally close to an BPD victim, no matter how "wonderful" they seem. The love/sex bombing period WILL end, and then there is only pain and hurt. It's written in stone so to speak, and there's nothing anyone can do to "rewrite" it. So, save yourself the trouble: don't get close to them, whatever your heart is telling you. You are normal, they are not, the normal emotional rules *does NOT apply to them* whatever the otherwise appearances.

its been almost two years since my best friend split. she has me blocked on everything because I tried talking to her a few times to have her understand/ break down the problem. In general I tried to be understanding of how she is but she kept blaming a lot of things on to me even when it wasn't true but something another person said about me. which now has come to light, but she doesn't care to acknowledge or apologize for ruining our friendship over it. I still love her but i cant accept that friendship until she's ready to acknowledge/grow from it.

@lunalove4743

Жыл бұрын

I think she does feel bad/ embarrassed for how she treated me and everyone else but i think she would rather move on than to fix our relationship.

@Adrian-fo1wu

Жыл бұрын

She blocked me..i feel i cant breathe without her

@sunbeam9222

10 ай бұрын

​@@Adrian-fo1wuyou can. What you experience is the symptoms of codependency

You have summed up my mariage right there, guts, gore and all.

I truly want to say as a person with no mental illness that I want to understand but I don’t know how much more I could take. It feels so unstable and I don’t know what might set this person off. The thing that I don’t understand is that this disorder is highly treatable so why don’t I see anything about people being healed from this?

@kenialyss99

9 ай бұрын

It is the most difficult mental health disorder to treat because the patient will begin to idolize their therapists. My friend with BPD was basically fired by her therapist. The therapist told her she couldn’t treat her anymore.

@markmaloney33

4 ай бұрын

They will give you as much as you can take and a whole help more ,if they are making you feel unwell it’s bye bye

Watching the video and reading the comments. I believe I might of developed BPD. Back when I was in hs, bpd was barely appearing in articles and notes I found. Read about it first in Tumblr. I was convinced I had it cause it resonated so bad but it was more of an internal feeling as didn’t obstruct my every day life. I finished my studies by June 2020, got my bachelors. I was literally hidden in my house from march to June because of the pandemic and school over zoom. I haven’t been “myself” after that. I can’t even stand people anymore and I try to go outside but I’m not even sure if I was ever comfortable with doing so. Two psychologist and a psychiatrist said I do meet the profile of autism just by my social profile, I haven’t even discussed with them my sensory stuff and arfid. I’ve done quick tests in their offices, not the actual long diagnosis. I think I might of developed bpd because of my 25 year old untreated autism. This video gave me the perspective from outside, the one everyone sees but me. I don’t even know who to speak about this with cause I’ve also left my psychiatrist and psychologist.

This was great, I love the education I got here, thank you so much for talking about this. My fiancee has BPD and she struggles with BPD. And I'm always going to be here to support her. Yes we all have limits but I promised to be here for her and that's my plan. Thank you for all the information. Brilliant video.

@dylannewsome7199

9 ай бұрын

Hey man, be careful. From what I’ve seen everyone says you can’t love them out of their mental health issues. And they will eventually discard you no matter how well you treat them.

@shebreathesingold8043

9 ай бұрын

He never said he wanted to love her out of her mental illness. He said he would be there no matter what. That's not the same thing. And as someone with BPD, I've had the same 5 main relationships (family/platonic/romantic) in the past 25 years. Who says someone with BPD will "eventually discard you"? That makes no sense. People with BPD are just like any other person. They can have stable relationships.

Thank you for this. I've a few family members with either a diagnosis or traits and have been on a quest to understand as much as I can. My son is one. As soon as he got as close to a diagnosis as they'll give a youth, he went on a quest to develop healthier strategies for himself and those he could affect. It's not perfect, but he's fighting this disabling condition and really seems to value people who validate and reassure him AND maintain their own boundaries consistently.

As someone with CPTsd i see a lot of myself in BPD and attract people with that. I think chaotic people are becoming my flex. I am trying to take things less personal, be ok when they leave, and welcome back when they are ready. Not easy for sure, but the more i become ok with myself the easier it becomes to deal with them.

This video was very compassionate and I did cry a bit

You have a great talking voice!!!

@EarlyMorningBarking

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you very much!

Thank you. Your insight is invaluable in this video, Rich. You helped me on twitter, too, when I asked you a question some time ago....

i'm strongly considering ending my friendship with a bod person. although i understand it's not her fault, i also have the right to be tired from her lack of self control. i'm always the one having to understand and forgive the hurtful words she says in the heat of the moment, i'm also allowed to be upset.

She rationalizes irrational behavior

The post-splitting, post-rage feeling is even LESS reasonable than, "You know, know that I've imagined X again, I've realized I came to the wrong conclusion." Because that implies a person in a splitting/rage episode doesn't have the ability to be logical and that logic returns to them afterward and it doesn't work that way. You are still the same person and can be making the same logical pleas in your own mind, "Hey come on, X isn't that important. Don't get so upset. This is only BPD. Get control" and NONE of that matters. I just went through a splitting episode and caught the exact second where I changed and it literally went from "X makes me FURIOUS" to "X isn't a big deal". In other words, the RAGE made me feel like X was important and without needing to change my view on X, or find some corroborating evidence for why I was wrong, I just changed the second the rage was gone. Suddenly X didn't matter, when a second ago, X was making me want to drive my first into a wall until I broke bone. I have no idea how to explain it except that someone saying "X" (considering "X" is a trigger) becomes "You're loved one is dead" in terms of the intensity you feel "X" with when you are in a rage episode and when you're out of it "X" now has the equivalent of the sentence, "Hey, it's sunny outside." X doesn't change. The way you FEEL changes and that FEELING colors what you think X means. And I can't express how logical you can be in your mind during a rage episode, thinking, "I know this is BPD. I know this doesn't matter" and still the overwhelming flood of rage will not stop - wave after wave - until you purge that rage, often by hurting yourself or others. It's like this increasing itch that demands to be scratched and you can say, "I don't need to scratch" as much as you want but that sensation is not only there but it's all consuming; it's all you can think about and you feel as if you don't scratch it, you explode. Living during a rage episode becomes unbearable. Literally unbearable unless you let the anger out. You rage. You shout. You hit a wall. Because do this because the rage inside feels so bad when you just carry it in. It honestly feels like you'd rather be dead in that moment then hold onto that rage. It is THAT overwhelming.

You need to get as far away as possible from a BPD not under treatment or you WILL be mentally tortured

I have bpd but cut people off for good reasons in my opinion. I feel like I could go forever without talking to someone once I make my mind up, but they always come back and apologize or constantly attempt to reach out. Once my mind is clear, I let go of whatever they did by then and seeing them reach out makes me feel valued in a sense, but it just restarts the cycle. Honestly slot of people are shitty and do things I wouldn't do to them. Some of it isn't just BPD, but it's hard to tell.

Thankyou for this I feel like someone finally understood what I’m trying to express to others that I feel

Who in the realms of reality is going to put up with this ,they can piss right off the bat

This is the first time ever i cry so hard for a KZread video, just like someone talking abt me or understand me, say things between me my fd. I got BPD for ard 15 years, with depression, anxiety n OCD. Dr nvr told me abt BPD but i read a lot n i knw there's high possibility i hv. I figured it out ard 3 years ago by reading my locker medical history. I collapsed ! I wld rather die or having such a "problem"! No meds can help, no cuts can release. I nvr expect anyone will understand me that "hw i actually work". I hv no fds, not close one i mean. They all "hurt" by me. Blocked. Isolated. Not a single word for explanation. That's y i hate myself so so so much!! I reali appreciate for this video. I guess it's time for me to get bk to meds n force myself to slp. xx M

@EarlyMorningBarking

Ай бұрын

Thank you so much! You can get better!

I am autistic and trying to learn more as I have a friend with BPD. And I have a history of anxiety with social situations because I have been bullied and such for being a little different. But my friend with BPD confuses me. At first it was making me anxious because my brain always thinks I can do something logical and fix things by being forthright. But now I know I need to go back to my natural logical self. Worrying about illogical reactions is sort of like letting their disorder spread. If I get antsy, and she is antsy, then the anxiety spreads and no one is thinking clearly. If I respond to someone not thinking clearly and I let it impact me, it gives control over the whole mood to someone unwell. I might have issues with reading social cues but I think being logical, and not owning and falling into anxiety is the best way to proceed. That means making it a rule to not feel guilty or take ownership of someone else's reactions. Only your own. And anxiety can be hard to turn off but the worst type of anxiety is when I doubt myself. Even if I have bodily symptoms of anxiety, I need to trust my logical brain and not give power to someone when they are in an unwell state. It does not mean I do not care. It means I do, but by caring about ourselves too we show greater and consistent calmness.

Yeah , not only did she split on me she spit on me

Oh my friend of 30 years tells me she’s insecure especially around me so I should know and try not to give her raw emotions. So I need to stay in the same economic status as her (I haven’t) I should not lose weight if she doesn’t, I should not have had kids because she can’t. She says whatever she wants to me but will come unglued if I even suggest something regarding her. Man I’m done, I’m exhausted and it’s time for somebody else to step in as her “bestest friend “ as she calls me 🙄.

My roommate walked on me a few days ago as my roommate and owes me almost $7k….because I asked her to clean her mess up, cook every now and then, bathe, get off the sofa for 18 hours a day eating all the food I bought. she knows what she is doing because I found out her family says she's been that way…I wish her well with her alcoholic boy friend that fell down a fight of stairs and locked her out last month. I will not let her in again.

I think I made a mistake sending this - LOL help I'm dying

It's a good thing that we don't NEED ANYONE

My best friend (who shortly after our friendship ended got diagnosed with bpd) pushed me away 7 years ago when i got with my partner. Even though I prioritised her -she just kept distancing herself until I took the hint and stopped bothering her. I never understood what I did wrong and I never had the courage to ask her about it whilst it was happening ….and then it was too late. I never got any closure and it still hurts all these years later.

Been with my Girlfriend for 4 years who has BPD. The first 2 year was a rollercoaster. Now she has a better control and I now know how to respond to her splitting and rage.

@sunbeam9222

10 ай бұрын

That's wonderful. I admire people who can support someone with bpd without forgetting to take care of themselves also and spiralling into self sacrifice. All the best x

@shebreathesingold8043

9 ай бұрын

I would love to know how you respond to her splitting/rage. I can mostly control mine but there is one person I feel I get so triggered by and I can't overcome that.

@queenbee1606

9 ай бұрын

What is the trick I’m going through this 5 years now and it’s getting bad

What a mind fk video. Making me cry I can’t send this link. Already warned my bromance bestie. Truth hitting my face brings me closer to the 11% escape.

She accuses me of saying things I never said. She is an angry alcolic and I wont be her scapegoat. She can be such a nice person but oooof! Her hatefulness overwhelms it. I am on a trip with her and bc I am blind, am dependent on her. Its like she knows that and is making me kiss her ass to be safe. The instant I get home, bye bye

I tried with my marriage. Therapy and everything. In the end she took the kids and was trying to ruin my life in every possible manner. They can be petty and vindictive. My advice: Go no contact. Many professional therapist DON'T even know how to treat these people properly. I will do my understanding from aDISTANCE. THANK YOU, for this video. When I told her I have proof of our arguments and false accusations (Recordings), She backed off!!!. Haven't had a problem for months now.😂😂😂 They can be dangerous. Record.

I'm going through with this with a woman I love. I just found out about BPD. This is a very good video. I really understand now.

So … being on the end a sudden out of nowhere BPD split. I can tell you it is traumatic and extremely painful thing that the BPD person does to a so called friend … right now I am just hurt and pissed off.

I didn’t go to her birthday dinner because someone in my family died and I was feeling sad so the next time I saw her at a poetry reading she blatantly ignored me even though my family literally paid for her to go on a summer vacation to Puerto Rico like three months ago. But I’m a horrible person, apparently for not going to a birthday dinner cause I was mourning a death. Yes she has BPD.

My niece split on me . Going on 5 months, she may never talk with me again . I’m learning about BPD

Thank you for this very heartfelt and helpful video:)

Hey great video Rich! I sort of split on my FP for similar reasons you explain....and I miss him like crazy....how do I engage with him again in a healthy consistent way instead of trying to hoover and manipulate my way back in after acting like a second class degenerate. Hope you can help

@KonjikiKonjiki

2 жыл бұрын

I thought I invented that dynamic all by myself. If I think about it too much, I start feeling a deep abyss of regret etc for fp-ifying him. :(

@cristymakes6026

Жыл бұрын

Leave him alone

@melissa_L

Жыл бұрын

sarah can i ask you a question ? im non BPD... i watch a few videos from psychologists that say, if you split them white again, they come back but you leave them again, push them away, and faster the next time... and second time is uslaly the last time. is this true? this guy i was seeing split me black i think,,, but i was caring , understaning even though i didnt know BPD.... but i knew there was more to understand... now we are on good terms, we joke etc but i dont wanna be this person to go back , and be split again

@shaskey18

Жыл бұрын

@@melissa_L depends on how emotionally invested they are in you and to what level of importance you become on their ladder..."pedastool" and how many times you allow them back in to manipulate you into coming back just to be split on time and time again... even if it is unintentional on their behalf...the first time you allow them back is a win win in their eyes...its a boundary they know is weak and can be overstepped at any given time because you've accepted that side of their behaviour by taking them back...am assuming you're very empathetic with what you wrote...making you an easy target. What you've got to understand is you're dealing with a child with extreme emotional issues and unmet needs growing up. Be it through trauma... neglect...abuse...narcissistic parents...e.t.c. A bpd sufferer lives a life of emotional pain every single day... it never goes away. And that pain sometimes projects outwards in the way of splitting...anger....rage...dissociation and unfortunately it hurts the ones we love the most. I could love you today and never speak to you again that's the intensity of black and white thinking. But if I think you add any value to my life I will keep you on a loop of emotional turmoil. Blaming you for everything. My advice to you would be to get out while you're still mentally and emotionally able to do so. Coming from a self aware BPD/NPD sufferer it's the best advice I can give. Unless you want to go through years of their trauma and end up being traumatized yourself. I'm sure Rich who runs this channel might disagree with some of my points will acknowledge some unkind traits of living with bpd day in day out. Dont ever take it personally what your bpd friend is doing. It's just his pain outward projecting onto you because he wants you to feel his pain too. It's a misunderstood cry for help. Hope this helps

girlfriend... Latina...BPD...Jesus

My friend of 2 years has BPD but I didn't;t know at the time. We lived together and I wanted to move out because it became too toxic. When she found out I was moving out, she ruined my computer by pouring water on it.