Resolution
I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me, but rest assured that I haven’t disappeared quite yet. I needed a long overdue mental health break. I had a grand time touring in 2017 and met some incredible people/poets/artists/creators, but the mental cost of having to exist in the same emotional spaces night after night was very heavy. The stories and pieces I share are personal, and not everyone understands what may be hidden in those pieces… buried under metaphors that allow me to address certain aspects of my life indirectly. Of course I know what those moments actually are, and from time to time those memories or feelings will resurface to invade my psyche.
Sometimes “The cup runneth over”, and that’s where I’ve found myself as 2018 begins. I wanted to start this year by talking about resolutions. Many of us made promises to ourselves as the clock clicked over into a new year. Some of those promises have since been abandoned by that whispering voice inside our heads that suggests “now isn’t the right time”. A voice that insists there’ll be a better time to quit further down the road. Most of our resolutions have to do with sacrifice, or at least what we feel is sacrifice. We believe that we are losing something that helps us cope with our pain. Let me be clear in saying that addictions survive by our making more and more space for them. The more space we give an addiction in our lives the more space it will occupy in our minds, and the voice meant to bolster our confidence, or determination, gets the volume turned down by an addiction that insists on playing it’s own music louder.
I’ve had other addictions along the way… I think to some extent many of us have, it’s just that some are more socially acceptable than others (cellphones, social media, etc). The first addiction I managed to overcome was smoking, and I was not a casual smoker. Toward the end of my run with nicotine I was up to 2 packs a day. That experience is now several years in the rear view mirror, and after that I kicked soda pop out of my life… that one doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it’s a lot harder to do than people might imagine as it’s everywhere, and no one bats an eye about having a pop. I had struggles with Dilaudid (especially post surgery) that I’ve managed to overcome, and I’m now a year and half into my life without alcohol. What I’ve gleaned from my experience is that quitting an addiction is impossible if the only way we see it is as something we are losing. I’ve only been able to have success with quitting by adjusting how I see my addiction; I look for benefits of its absence… what do I gain by leaving this behind? If all we do is attach sacrifice and loss to giving up an addiction it only serves to reinforce our trepidation, and doubt as we make our attempt to scale that particular mountain. I need to be clear in saying that no addiction is easy to overcome, but it's easier if you can reinforce your will with positivity rather than listening to a siren that keeps singing you back down into the fathoms where depression resides.
So for my first offering of 2018 I wanted to put forward a piece that addresses addiction. I wrote some very simple music that Tavis Weir than developed into something truly beautiful. Dave Mai is a film maker here in Penticton that I’ve had the good fortune of working with on a number of projects, and Endrené Shepard is the artist who designed the cover for A Bruise On Light… here she is using her skills to translate metaphor into imagery. I’m blessed to have worked with this trio of artists who all brought their considerable talents to a project that is deeply personal for me. This piece is called Resolution and if you’d like to support more projects like this you can find my Patreon page, or buy the track from the website. As always you’re support is greatly appreciated. I hope you’ll share the piece with anyone who may be facing this problem, or even with those who have a hard time understanding what someone goes through with addiction. I can’t say I’m cured, but I’m doing better… much, much better.
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I found your stuff when I was in a very bad place. The first I every heard from you was “To This Day”, and that day, I was planing my suicide. I heard that poem and... I didn’t, because I finally knew that someone felt the same. You saved my life with your words. You are my role model.
I looked at my phone when it buzzed with a notifaction, expecting a reminder to a game I no longer care for or a message from a friend asking to copy my work, but was welcomed to the lost warm fuzzy happy feeling to seeing a new video to listen to on repeat until I absorb every word of it as if it had been nutrients and I were a flower.
I write this while sitting on the bus on the way to school. Using the data my mom warned me not to use on KZread because it will use too much of what little we have. But it was beyond worth it. I did not hesitate to click on the notification that you have posted a video, because it's been a while since you've posted. Which is okay. But doesn't change that I still got excited that you uploaded. Because everything you write hits hard and changes lives. Changes my life. You've been my inspiration for years, the reason I write the way I do, the reason I have the outlook on life I do. This comes after the best night I've had in months. Furthering my resolve that yes, it is getting better. And it's going to continue going up in that way. Thank you for the words that you put out into the world, for giving me something to listen to when I need a pick me up, for influencing me in ways you will never know. For giving me the strength to be unapologetically myself. This all sounds cheesy, but you've truly influenced my life for the better in a time when I needed it more than ever. It means the world to me. Welcome back, you've been missed.
This is beautiful
Every single time I hear one of your poems I feel like a child filled with wonder and every single feeling you are trying to convey in your work. Thank you so much Shane, I really appreciate what you do.
"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."
I am alcohol free for the first time in years, while at the same time dealing with loss and betrayal in my life. Beautiful, my brother. You never fail to touch the deepest part of my life with your poetry. Thank you.
An honest appraisal of the unknown ... the undiscovered country of sobriety. I was the king of rationalization my addiction, my actions but now just over four years sober I can say with surety that the blank page isn't a scary as it seems. Life doesn't become problem free but you get a chance to face it with a clarity and a new found strength.
Wow, everyone should read the description on this video. Stay strong Shane, these poems help so many people including myself, hope it’s a great year for you and hope to hear from you again soon!
1 year sober and this video means as much to me now as it did getting me through day 1
A gh! Your poems are always amazing.
God damn, his words make my day a little bit better. Thanks for making my life just a little bit better, Shane.
There’s so much emotion in this... I am at a loss for the right words. All I can say, is there is truth in what is said.
I’m so glad you’re doing better💛You’re pieces and words have really touched my heart. My dad has managed to quit smoking and is almost 2 years sober now after drinking his whole life, I’m so proud of him. I look up to him and hope that I’ll be able to get over my addiction, I was clean for a while but I broke and gave in again, I do hope badly that it’ll get better soon.💛Hope you continue to get better and have a great life!💛💛💛💛
It may have been only 3 minutes but it will stick with me forever.
Right now my brother is overcoming a drug addiction and to hear this poem and understand a little better the mindset he is in right now means more than I can say.. Its been rough lately and not twenty minutes ago I went downstairs and found my mom crying outside the office door while my dad was inside talking to my brother. He's in an inpatient rehab right now, but I don't really feel confident about how it will turn out, but i have been trying to stay positive for the rest of my family, especially my mom. God it's just so incredibly difficult to have to see him go through this, but I hope more than anything that he will be okay.
You always always helped me, gave me hope and will. And that to me makes you a human being with such a beautiful soul, a Superman too, not because you wore a red cape and flew around the city saving people, but because you taught people how to save their own lives, how to breathe and breathe freely. Thank you.
The artwork in this video is amazing. It had to have taken a lot of time and dedication to make such beautiful pieces. BRAVO!!!
Shane, after such a long day I am very happy that you could release something so beautiful and personal. I too have struggled with mental illness and if I may speak on the behalf of many, we are here for you. Thank you for always sharing these parts of yourself
very impressed by this collaborative art - I purchased but not sure how to download it - want to make sure I don't lose it - would love to see written lyrics