I wish we as autistics didn't seem to attract the worst people.

Girl, that last one is SO REAL as a justice-seeking autist. I've been accused of triangulating and manipulating people in friend groups where my ex-bff was literally tormenting me and everyone else. They always wanna act like you standing up for yourself and saying "no" is the problem, when it's them and their shit friendship.

I've had the "don't use the autistic card" argument used against me. This person is out of my life now. This is advice we all need, really. Emotional / behavioural toxicity is an epidemic.

@GeminiPlatypus

4 ай бұрын

Yes this!! Or the "it's fine to be autistic, but don't use it as an excuse" aka "just shut up and get on with life and keep pretending to be normal you complainer!" My ex best friend for 18 years. We don't speak anymore

@SSJfraz

4 ай бұрын

"It's ok to be blind, but don't use it as an excuse not to see." "It's ok to be in a wheelchair, but don't use it as an excuse not to walk." "It's ok to be autistic, but don't use it as an excuse for being socially awkward" 🙄

@emanuellandeholm5657

4 ай бұрын

That one, as well as the old "but you're not really autistic". Toxic, gaslighting. I no longer have such people in my life, but the lesson was hard earned. Bridges were burned.

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

​@@SSJfraz Good point!

@etcwhatever

3 ай бұрын

​@@emanuellandeholm5657in that sense our autism is a blessing. To get rid of toxic people and be more compassionate with those who deserve it

10:50 "I did not misunderstand you being an asshole" I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that so bad. I feel like I tend to give people the "benefit of the doubt", try and assume the best, try and ask for clarification, or give second chances in situations where other people I know would just cut people off, block them, move on, etc.

@ckblackwoodmusic

4 ай бұрын

Indeed; this video hit juuuuust right.

@steveneardley7541

4 ай бұрын

I recently had a one-time friend try to reconnect. I just said, "Hey, you stopped responding to my phone calls and e-mails three years ago." All I wanted was a simple apology--not even a particularly sincere one. And I didn't get it, so I am not into rekindling a friendship, where treating me like shit is an option.

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

I think sometimes that we have been cut off so many times that we try not to cut off others too quickly. But sometimes it is warranted.

So true! I can see red flags readily when it doesn't involve me personally one-on-one with someone else. Bizarre.

I think I overlook things because I find people assume bad intent when I say odd things, and so I don't want to assume that of other people incase they are neurodivergent or didn't mean harm either. They pretty much always do so it's quite confusing!

My brain is currently kind of re-processing some memories and the amount of shitty 'friends' I have had is unbelievable. I've been treated so badly and did not realize in the moment. No, instead I blamed myself for every little thing and questioned if I should get back in contact with them. I'm so glad I didn't and now I have to deal with all this anger years later. I don't have a lot of life experience in the 'normal people' categories and just chose to believe these were 'normal' things to do. No, they were not normal things. They were selfish and abusive and cruel.

Having trusted people who can help us screen people is important whether they are a friend, a family member or a counselor.

As someone who is very naive and a notoriously bad judge of character I feel this in my soul. I’d also add ‘you are always having to defend their behaviour to others’ maybe if everyone else sees the problem and you don’t you should probably have a good think on that. It’s something I need to take to heart especially online. Also! If they say stuff about others without showing evidence and get annoyed when you want proof. This one probably more an online one too…. Yeah I knock about in some trash fire drama internet corners and my god I miss all the red flags. Jesus my off line track record for missing them is even worse

@DanaAndersen

4 ай бұрын

Suuuuch a good point!!! I spent 8 years in a relationship where I constantly had to defend him to everyone, and I was so busy doing that I didn’t notice how awful he was 🫠

Had this myself recently where I've got rid of friends that were bad people but I had put up with because I didn't see the red flags. One girl who would ignore me in public and put me down all the time. One guy who would always cancel plans on me. What helped me realise was their bigotry when it slipped out like "wow she really hates trans people" and "wow he really hates women"

its tough meting people

I have lived in two of the most dangerous cities in America and yet I am not street smart. I immediately fall for the bs if someone gives me any attention or is nice to me. It's pathetic and other people see me associating with such low lives and they judge me for it as they should. I hopefully have learned after this most recent encounter that I must make snap judgments about people at first glance. This was a hard truth to wrap my head around for the longest time because I never liked it when people misunderstood me and made snap judgements about me. Well tough shit, thats how you have to operate in this world.

So very well put, I relate to everything you said. You helped me realize that I am naive, which is something I’ve been told my whole life and never wanted to accept. It comes with a heavy stigma attached to it. It made me feel like people were telling me I’m stupid. But I’m an adult now and I can see that naivety has nothing to do with intelligence. Thank you for the work you do to bring us such quality content ❤️

So relatable, been taken advantage of since I was a little kid, I've done way more free labour vs actual paid work, heck even had my first pay check stolen from me. Getting better at realising when I'm being used but it is like ya said, I don't want people to suffer as I have had. Love that idea of a group chat judging if ya being taken advantage of, I should totally steal that and find a group myself to judge things xD, I give people the benefit of the doubt way too much 😂

@etcwhatever

3 ай бұрын

Such a group would be amazing. Outside feedback can really help discernment.

It is good to learn red flags and set up boundaries. Slowly setting up boundaries can keep the wrong people out while letting the right people in.

One thing I learned about Autistic people is that we see people as people. We tend to not worry about sex, race, finances, etc, but hope that others accept us for ourselves. Sometimes good, sometimes bad! cheers

I’m nonbinary and probably autistic, so when I watched Heartbreak High and saw Darren (enby) being the friend I’ve always wanted to Quinni (autistic), I apparently ignored anything else that would be a red flag about Darren. I kept being surprised every time they did something rude/irresponsible. Rewatching the show I saw that it was obviously a large part of their character that they weren’t nice/accepting in several situations. Just in episode one, they stole something from their boyfriend and then broke up with him and made a scene of it. This, of course isn’t reality but still it definitely doesn’t seem like a good sign of my ability to detect red flags.

@AngryPug76

4 ай бұрын

Oh you just described multiple people I’ve known and I’ve never seen the show so that’s more real life than you think. Problem with being outside the average is most often so are our friends because average people can’t relate to people too different than themselves. And it doesn’t take a trip far down the path to become too different from what they are used to so they can’t be friends with people like us. Those who can be friends with us naturally have their own issues and problems while trying to survive in a sea of people fundamentally different from themselves and often develop manipulation tactics in order to not be taken advantage of by others, but they can’t seem to figure out where to draw the line to keep from doing it to everyone.

Still learning many of those signs myself at age 36. Recently came to terms that many of my exes treated me much more poorly than I initially thought. Most of that realization came from friends saying "What are you talking about? She was really mean to you!" over and over again. This is one reason why I'm thankful that I have a core group of friends who really do look out for me. I appreciate them more than anything or anyone else.

That is one very good cat right there. Hello furry little pal! 😻

@DanaAndersen

4 ай бұрын

Otis would definitely say hi back if he could 😂💕

As is commonly the case, I relate to this description of your experiences, and I am now reflecting on my relationships a bit differently than before. Also can I just say, thank you, so much for your videos Dana. I am going through the autism diagnostic process, and despite being very confident the answer will be that I am autistic, imposter syndrome sucks. Your videos have consistently helped me with calming my imposter syndrome, and have helped me with the pain of knowing that no one in my life right now understands me right now, and most don't care to try. I am always sorry to hear that you have experienced similar pains in your life, but know that you sharing them has helped me tremendously, and others too I am sure. Oh and also working to try and pay for my diagnosis has been hell... I am desperately trying not to give in to my current burnout despite how bad it is getting, because I need to finish this diagnosis process. Your videos have helped me survive this burnout a lot as well, so thank you for that too. I hope you are doing as well as you can be

@DanaAndersen

4 ай бұрын

Thanks you so much for such a lovely comment, though I’m so sorry you’re going through so much, especially given it sounds like we have lots of similar experiences so I really k ow how much it all sucks! It’s so lovely to know my content is reaching people that actually find it useful and I love that so many of us who have felt so misunderstood get to have this lil space where people just *get it* 🥹 Best of luck with the whole process, I really hope things get easier for you soon, but also a massive well done for getting this far and doing as well as you are!!

@theiabodium

4 ай бұрын

Thank you, very much. I'm glad I read your response today of all days because I needed it. And also a massive well done to you for even being able to make and post these videos, I know it must not be easy. I've tried once myself and it was very difficult, despite the theraputic aspect of it

@etcwhatever

3 ай бұрын

​@@theiabodiumhello. Are you still ongoing diagnosis or you got it already? Mine is also midway and thankfully the doc is pretty sure im autistic. Im slowly crawling out a very deep burnout. Every day a small step. Hope youre feeling better take care

I see things ,I even feel other peoples feelings .... but - yeah ....when it comes to seeing red flags : I'm talking about the ones that are seriously on fire !!! , but when it comes to see the red flad of someone I' wanting to have in my life , I NEVER SEE IT ;-((

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

You can learn though. Dana is leaning. I am learning.

Great weapon for “it’s just a joke.” Say “Oh. I don’t get it. Explain how it’s funny.” And say it loud enough for everyone around to hear. Works, especially in the workplace, for racism , sexism, ableism, and just plain old meanness because they can’t since the punchline is “you’re the thing I don’t like.”

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

I will have to try that.

One aspect of making a video like this that would make me a little worried(and this could just be me overthinking) is that a video on the red flags you are actively looking for, is essentially a recipe on how to manipulate you without setting off alarms. Someone with bad intentions now knows how to fly under the radar just a little better

@DanaAndersen

4 ай бұрын

There’s lots more than just these that I’ve become aware of, and I have a couple people really close to me that I know I can trust entirely, who I get to pretty much check over any new people I intend to get close to 😂 In general terms with people using videos like this to figure out how to get away with bad intentions, I feel like al this information is already out there in much more accessible places, so I hope this video is more likely to help the people that need to watch out than anyone who would use it negatively!

@denism8494

4 ай бұрын

@@DanaAndersen Yeah that makes sense

@AngryPug76

4 ай бұрын

Abusers that predatory would only have a very slight advantage. The vast majority would realize they were being hunted for as they hunt for marks and would strike her off the list of targets because there are so many more easier targets. Fun things i learned working at a psychiatric hospital talking to therapists.

I hope you keep uploading throughout 2024 Dana. Your conversation and face bring a lot of joy and peace to my life ✨️

you go Dana

If I'm being deadly honest. I most often notice red flags from friends only when I've accidentally replicated one cos I'm a social mirror felt really shit about it and realised thats been happening to me the whole time. Ive become a bit more astute as I get older at least.

"Lots of social cues go over my head. You being an asshole isn't one of them" haha I'm dying

I feel so blessed that I met my partner ❤ I was abused by my family and unaware of it until I was an adult, and since I’m autistic I’m very aware of the risk of being taken advantage of, so I can’t imagine where I might be/who I might be with had I not met my partner…

I love your channel and how genuine you are👍🙏

These were all good but that last one really nailed it. I also really hate it when trying to explain things to people who say they care and then turn around and tell me there is always something with me...I have gotten this response from therapists and it is so invalidating, frustrating and makes me feel so helpless in a place that is supposed to be supportive.

The issue is based on the behavior. THANK YOU.

Yeah, I've been taken advantage of so many times only realizing the fact decades later. It's actually kind of funny (and sad). Autism is a grim joke really. :D Live & learn!

I attract as friends, the trauma dumpers who have personality disorders. I always give them way too many chances, make way too many excuses for their behaviour and invariably get hurt. I've come to the point now I don't want friends. I hate being alone but it's better than being abused by people with p d.

@buri.bii3

4 ай бұрын

For myself I tend to have had past experiences with toxic people and family who invalidate my autism/mental health. Safe to say, these people are out of my life now. I find that it is better to cut off toxic people as they are detrimental to your life.

@moonlightmel9246

4 ай бұрын

@sarahgibbons9737 that is exactly what happens to me too

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

I learned to set boundaries and I started to make nicer friends.

I saw the red flags, right away, but was so desperate for a real relationship, that I looked past them. It’s been good, and bad, but I feel like everyone around me, causes problems for me. I don’t cause problems, or ask for anything, from them. (I’m still in my first relationship, 22 years later. I give, they take)

When you said your friend said he'd been taking advantage of you, I relate to this, so, thank you for making me feel less lonely. I find it hard to assess in the moment who the arsehole is.

I can relate to what you said about your second ex: I eventually came up with the nickname Khrushchev for one ex of mine - because she was better than her predecessor!

I'm 52 and was only diagnosed 6 months ago and i just wanted to say that much of the experiences you describe are things that i have experienced my whole life and been totally oblivious to them and i have learned a lot in this short time about myself through your content. 😊 I don't even know how you can sit in ftont of a camera talking... I can't even make a phone call without nearly hyperventilating 😂

Great video!😁 what's that glowing red ball behind you?

Thank you. That was good information. Have a good weekend.

Thx for the upload!!

My list of red flags in people from an autisticn perspective: 1. Alphas in social circles 2. Verbally impulsive (loud) people in social situations 3. Extremely controversial but I'm going to list people who "claim" to have ADHD, I seem to have clashed with more people who fit this example more than ever

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

My boyfriend of 13 years has ADHD. Of course I have autism and ADHD maybe that's why we get along.

I really like how you bring up money/paying at the end heheh its exactly how I would say it

I love that outro. 😅

Amazing video❤ WOW

I love the amazing English accent. Very exotic.

@forestsunset9617

4 ай бұрын

not if you live here lol

Yes you know it.

Do you have any tips for me I suspect I’m autistic anything that makes the autistic brain work better? Since I graduated school I’m having a hard time because there is to much freedom and I like being in school it makes me function. But now I don’t know what to do. Is there any diets that’s known to make autism worse or stimulants like nicotine and caffeine idk let me know:)

@DanaAndersen

4 ай бұрын

I don’t give tips/advice because I constantly struggle myself, but I will say pleaaasseeee don’t go down the diet root, you’ll find plenty of misinformation but none of it has any roots in reality and there’s no scientific reason any diet would in anyway affect being autistic.

@steveneardley7541

4 ай бұрын

In terms of diet, get yourself tested for food allergies, and eliminate anything you are allergic to. Food allergies cause inflammation and anxiety, and definitely make autism symptoms worse.

@Truerealism747

4 ай бұрын

​@@steveneardley7541do you have fybromyalgia with autism I have heds with it to

and as you get older it gets worse unfortunately not better.

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

Not in my experience.

@oleonard7319

3 ай бұрын

@@Catlily5 you are still young

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

@@oleonard7319 How old do you think I am?

@oleonard7319

3 ай бұрын

@@Catlily5 I assume you are a Millennial

@Catlily5

3 ай бұрын

@@oleonard7319 Wrong by far! 😂

Hi

42nd like woohoo

I despise the term "red flag". Literally everybody has them. No wonder we're suffering a loneliness epidemic when we perceive people with any differences from ourselves as some inherent flaw that must be avoided. 😓

@DanaAndersen

4 ай бұрын

It’s not about them being different it’s about them being toxic and abusive. We all have flaws and issues, most people manage to not have them negatively affect people around them.

@SSJfraz

4 ай бұрын

@@DanaAndersen Problem is, we perceive ourselves as being abused these days when somebody simply disagrees with our point of view. We treat it like some kind of violation. We've become so intolerant of differences within our societies that we've effectively isolated ourselves from each other. You may perceive somebody as being mean or rude towards you, but perhaps that wasn't their own intention. People perceive things differently, we all have our own personal window into reality and sometimes it's worth considering the perspective and point of view of the other person before jumping to the conclusion your own perspective arrives at. The world isn't black and white and all of our perspectives are distorted and biased in some way.

@oleonard7319

4 ай бұрын

@@SSJfraz The problem for a lot of autistics is they attract users. That only want to be your friend or around you. When they can't find anyone else. Then ghost you for months if they find someone else. then pop up again.

@fintux

4 ай бұрын

The difference between disagreeing and being abused is very simple. In disagreeing you don't lose anything, even if you might feel bad about it. In abuse, you are giving something and it is not reciprocated, nor are you compensated fairly. That's it. It can be time, effort, money, emotional support, anything. I think the abuse discussed on the video is about something like that, not about disagreeing. Sure, some people may be overly sensitive to even disagreeing (traumatized people are conflict aversive, and many autistic people are traumatized), but that's a completely different topic in my opinion.

@SSJfraz

4 ай бұрын

@@fintux Our perception of things are directly influenced by our emotions. If you're in a good mood and somebody teases you about something, you're more likely to take it as a joke. If you're in a bad mood and that same person teases you about that very same thing, you're more likely to take it as abuse. Perception is a powerful thing, but it's also a deeply personal thing. Just because you think you're being abused, doesn't mean that the other person thinks that they're abusing you. Their perspective could be entirely different from your own and there is no right or wrong one, just your own.