I swear reading A Series of Unfortunate Events as a kid made me so aware of these kinds of power dynamics! Sending love ❤️

@ClaudiaBoleyn

2 жыл бұрын

Those books were a safe place for me too! I idolised Violet so much xxx

@Luke-fu5co

2 жыл бұрын

I adore those books! I actually did reviews for them on youtube at one point but then my anxiety got real bad and i deleted it all😅🤣🙈 everyone else was reading Harry Potter and i was reading asoue and skulduggery pleasant, the movie kinda disappointed me because it basically made Olaf the main character, but the books themselves are just such good representations of my own childhood, everyone around me being enablers for toxic peope and you try to make things better and it doesnt work to the point of wondering why keep trying, then finally in the last book they reach the final straw say no more, while at the same time still nobody listens and they learn that the only person who can care for them is each other and they dont get a 'happy ending' because the fact that they're free is their happy ending, im so sad i dont have anyone to talk about the books with irl😭🤣

This was a great chat, touched on so many important subjects. I have to say though, I don't know if the strength you have is quite fakeable. You're strong in how you've endured hardship, you're strong in that you stand up and speak out against injustice in the world, you've been strong in how you've stood up for others and sometimes even yourself, you've been strong in unapologetically being who you are and having your own opinions, there's strength in how you've pursued your dreams, and there's strength in how open you've been about your struggles. There's so much that shows how much strength you have, and if you feel like you've "faked" all that, and you had to force yourself to do that despite fear and uncertainty, well, I feel like that's just a cherry of strength on top of all that. However there's nothing wrong with recognizing things you'd like to improve on, even if you're someone as strong as you. ♥

so happy to see these follow/catch up vlogs, thank you for keeping us updated! talking really does help, as someone with BPD also, you've shown me that progress is possible and it's normal to have ups and downs now and again! thank you xx

It warms my heart to see you better, you may not be a role model of the perfect, perhaps a role model of the imperfect a harder role yet so much more important for so many. So much I could say you probably already know or I couldn't explain in text. So I'll say this, one step at a time no need to rush what's gonna change your life, the ups and downs will come back one day but it will never undo the progress you make. One step at a time.

really love to hear your insight claudia. i really relate to what you said about internalising and struggling to verbalise when things have hurt you, but not for other people. I'm so proud seeing how much you've worked through already over everything that's happened. your strength is inspiring! sending love xx

Sounds like good thoughts. For me I had to realise that I sometimes feel I *have* to be kind and forgive people who have hurt me. But really I don't. Once I realise that, I can really powerfully *choose* to forgive *for myself*, for my own healing, rather than feel I owe the world or perpetrators kindness and compassion when my boundaries have been crossed, or that I owe them a second chance.

It is really good to see that you are getting better and tapping into the strength that you have and finding out more about yourself. I went through something similar 1,5 years ago where I really changed a lot of stuff in my life and kind of got to the root of my problems. And I feel like those kinds of things are always very definitive and sometimes it is almost like you need to have a very low point to be able to change a lot. Even though my issues have nothing to do with trauma I have always related to you a lot and it's really nice to see somebody talk about those things so openly. I have been watching your videos for a couple of years now and they have actually been very comforting to me!

Megan Phelps-Roper is such a great example how crazy and weird family can be. It’s so difficult to see things from the inside that are blatantly obvious for everybody on the outside. I once read a blog post by her and her sister where they talked about the death of their grandfather. A person who is regarded as vile and hateful almost universally but who they apparently were really close to and how it begrieved them that they couldn’t say goodbye. In most dysfunctional families the bad still comes with some good. And that’s really confusing emotionally. Especially since as a small child you are so willing to love and so desperate to be loved. You remember the good times and the times that you have felt loved and it makes you feel like you are betraying someone if you point out all the bad. I hope I get a chance to sort my mess of an upbringing out in therapy some time soon. I’ve been putting of doing that for years now. Somehow it is now really obvious to me that I’m not okay and that I need some help. Turns out it takes many many months to get a therapist appointment… Your optimism is inspiring and I thank you for sharing this experience with us.

I love hearing you say how much you want to be better and how much you love your brother, I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better after therapy, and your matriarchs are absolutely with you in spirit! I'm sure they are so proud of you for standing up for yourself and fighting for yourself! Keep taking good care of yourself, we're here for you however we can be, and we love you loads 💜

Sending you all the love, Claudia. I'm glad your therapy is working out well. And I'd say you are stronger than you think you are.

So glad to hear you are feeling better. Sending you lots of love xx

My whole immediate family is narcissistic abusers. They used to insult me when I stepped away from an argument; it didn’t matter if I stepped away calmly or obviously upset and in tears. They’d always make fun of me and say, “Oh, yeah!! Go run away!!” as if I was being a coward. I had to unlearn a lot of things that were normalized. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish what is normal and what is unhealthy that they’ve passed down to me. The few good things my mom taught me was how to cook, sewing, and an exposure to Italian cuisine. Honestly, it’s hard to find much else good beyond that. Some of them, I never want to see again and some of them, I may be open to it but they’d have to show that they have been truly reflecting and putting in the work. I don’t wait for them anymore. They have historically gaslighted me a lot into believing that they were trying to understand me and that I just wasn’t giving them a fair chance … but they’d always end up terrorizing me and putting me down. I gave them so many chances bc I wanted to believe them. Anyway, it’s possible to heal and remake yourself. You are not a bad person Claudia. It’s good that you want to heal, but you don’t need to “be better”, you just deserve to treat yourself better … and you’ll get there. 💞

you’re such a strong and beautiful soul

amazing video 🦋 love u queen

crying hearing what u say at 30 mins, owwww sometimes feel all these hurtful ideas about myself are who I am when I get in a hard spot

You are incredibly strong and inspiring! I wanted to recommend a show to you, Bojack Horseman, not sure if you've seen it but it's my favourite show. It could be triggering as it deals with generational trauma, suicide and generally shitty behaviour, especially near the end, but i think it does it in such a great, nuanced job of showing how family passrd on trauma and all these negative coping mechanisms that we learn as children from abusive families. 10/10 would recommend!! Sending love x

Oh my gosh hearing you talk about how you are getting better mentally is just fantastic, keep powering on you've got this, you fell like a dove but arose from those ashes like a phoenix, the flames of your strength, your family and your love is what caused your metaphoracal resserecton. Best of luck Claudia you are stronger than you know, your fans and your family witnessed it and we all believe in you.

You really need to think about yourself ive always been opinionated being silenced does not work it makes us worse ... Its bettter to get your feelings out becuase it will niggle at you if u dont ... Stay strong 💪 xxx 😘

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I'm a queer nonbinary autistic person from Sweden, my name is Mo and I adore all your videos, especially these most recent ones!! Thank you. This is a poem I wrote: Daymare Nightdew to make anew Lightrays dripping Underneath my pillowdown Beddings ripping

Sometimes in families people get spoiled and there become special rules for them and what they can say - which can be very abusive. If anyone gets angry with them in this family dynamic because of their mental cruelty then the angry person is made out to be unreasonable. And the member of the family for whom there are special rules will then become the "victim" and makes out they are being unfairly attacked. They can call on other members of the family to protect them like a general bringing out the cavalry. The short term way of dealing with a spoiled member of the family is to keep on spoiling them. It means there isn't a painful showdown. If the problem is dealt with and the person is no longer spoiled by the spoilers in the family then the spoiled member will of course have a tantrum and the spoilers won't want this - displays of emotion are something they find frightening. So the person remains spoiled, verbally viscious, and unchallenged in order to stop "a scene". Perhaps the catch phrase of the family is "we musn't have an argument" What will eventually happen is that this person gets old. Then the spoilers (and spoiling the person can go down the generations) will say "Well can't you see? Its all part of the dementia" This spoiled member of the family who has the special rules is something that played out in my own family. Although the spoiled person has now died it has made myself and other members of the family upset and still sometimes furious. It remains for me to do something responsible with the anger when it rises up which I do by writing projects, journaling and going on long walks to tire myself out.

growing up with ab.sive family dynamics (even if they aren't the one being ab.sed) can very much teach people to constantly pacify, pacify, pacify to avoid further ab.se. some people react to setting boundaries like you've betrayed them, and some people find it hard to see it otherwise. but trying keep everyone around you happy can lead to emotional burnout, and it can set you up to spiral when the moments you allow yourself to feel that anger end up hurting someone.

Thank you for sharing your perspective with us. I'm learning so much that I'm able to relate to my own experiences and learn about myself in the process ❤️

The way you described your grandmothers really made me tear up. There are no fitting words for those people in our lives that leave such beautiful colors/feelings behind. 💙💗 I have a feeling that they’re extremely proud of you.

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The thing about anger, is that that emotion generally comes from the sub-conscious. The sub-conscious doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. And emotions that are suppressed will rise to the surface in unexpected ways, at the worst possible moments, and directed at inappropriate targets. But, since the sub-conscious is unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality, we have the option of expressing our internal anger or rage, and expending the energy of those emotions outward, in ways that won't hurt ourselves or others. But only if and when you feel that you're in a safe enough place to consciously work through these feelings. Writing in stream of consciousness. Making an art piece. Composing a piece of music. Playing a video game. Learning a martial art (with discipline, care and control). These are some of the ways (when done with a specific purpose in mind) that anger or rage can be released safely released. To the sub-conscious, as long as the emotion is released and the energy is expended (in a controlled manner that feels safe), instead of being suppressed, then it's as good as if the anger has been expressed at the offending person themselves. Once released, you might find all sorts of other non-negative things that have been suppressed, as well. In Jungian archetypal psychology, it's called shadow gold. The hidden treasures obscured by the murky depths of the subconscious, and weighted down by the fear and anger within the psyche. So you have some options to release the anger, pain, shame, self-loathing and fears. You have every right to be angry at your abuser. Acknowledge it, allow yourself to feel it and express it. Then you can let it go. It'll take a while though. And there might be intermittent times when it pops back up, it just means there's a lot to work through. It won't mean that you're failing, just that there was more than you thought. But, over time, there'll be less and less, if you continue to work at it in ways that are beneficial for you. Think about how you would be towards a friend going through a similar situation, and give yourself permission to be as gentle and compassionate with yourself as you would be with that friend. Treat/support yourself like a friend. You deserve that consideration from yourself.

Side note: You talking about how lovely Dan is has made me want to listen to one of my favorite songs, "George", by one of my favorite singer-songwriters, Claudia Boleyn, over on her channel "Claudia Boleyn Music", where there are 3 options to buy it from, and it has a stunning music video with a very talented accomplished actor playing the titular George.✨