'Shame is contempt turned inward, grandiosity is contempt turned outward.' I would love to see more of this Esther. This is seriously good.

@shannahighsmith1179

4 жыл бұрын

Go to terryreal.com

@michaeljensen4650

4 жыл бұрын

There is something that needs to be understood about grandiose people. Narcissistic individuals are in denial about their shame. It is operating on a deeply unconscious level. Their Grandiosity is an unconscious ego defense against the deep shame they feel. The contempt they feel toward others is justified by a belief that THEY ARE SUPERIOR TO OTHER PEOPLE. They want to diminish others in order for them to feel good about themselves. They look to attack the self esteem of others by projecting their unconscious shame on to other people. This is not a problem that is unique to MEN. There are nearly just as many women who suffer from Narcissism as men. Men tend to be overt and women covert. However overt Narcissists come is all shapes and sizes. Just look at the Rapper Nicky Minaj for example. People like this come from all walks of life.

@michaeljensen4650

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool It is not about bisexuality. It is about making men into guilt ridden obsequious fools. Followers who are easily manipulated and exploited.

@michaeljensen4650

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool I'm sorry my friend I do not agree. Let's not make this into some paranoid discussion about gender identity. This is about abusive people, toxic relationships, mind games, psychological manipulation, power and control. Love cannot exists without trust. Trust cannot exists without respect. Respect cannot exists without compassion and empathy. This is not about men submitting to women and becoming feminine. Get that out of your head. Healthy relationships foster love, understanding, respect, reciprocity, and encouragement. This is not about control or dominance. It is about interdependence and mutual empowerment. A strong man leads. Powerful leaders do not cripple the people around them out of fear. They are not controlled or manipulated and they do not seek to abuse control or manipulate others. They command respect they do not demand or coerce it.

@CorporateQueen

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool Fool indeed.

Omg this woman, this man. Soooo good. Brilliant. Insightful, wise.

This is an important conversation and Terry Real’s work is truly transformational, because he trains/teaches therapists to call out grandiosity and people who have narcissistic tendencies. Traditional therapy only deals with shame and so as a result the person who is behaving in a one up position of grandiose power (could be a women or a man) continues to get away with their behaviour and so the dynamic between the couple remains imbalanced/unhappy.

I love a strong man. Muscles, mental strength, not putting up with shit, looking upward, even the smell of testosterone. Protecting his family, aiming high for his life and also loving his wife. That is a real man. Tucker Carlson explained this well. He met his wife when both 15 years and still together after 5 kids. He says love and respect your wife, do what you can to make her happy, even though you often don’t understand her, and then the children will be happy. Brilliant advice.

This is another one of those focal points of discussion that remind me some of the finer points in my previous marriage. It wasn't all shouting. Sometimes, it was 2:33. I believe we would have stood a fighting chance if we practiced more of that kind of assertive love.

Sometimes when a person cheats they are not turning away from their partner they turning away from themselves. They aren’t not trying to find a another partner they are trying to find another self. The one thing I would ask about this idea is, what kind of narcissist do you have to be, to find another self by granting yourself the permission to cheat and potentially destroy a life and that of your children? Beats me!

Thank you both , very clear message and I agree that this the way forward for relationships of any kind . Where I don't quite see this work is in the field of politics , in a domain where power is at its rawest and almost all of the players are operation in the patriarchal mode . How do we assert real political power in today's world with today's urgent issues and within a context of power that only knows winning at all cost ?

"Existence is relationship, and you are smack in the middle of it!" Alan Watts

@magnusjonsson7303

4 жыл бұрын

kzread.info/dash/bejne/rImM1tSae7u1qps.html

@magnusjonsson7303

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool Ouroboros

OMG... Your thank you close the conversation.

Wonderful 💪🏼

I want to read his book now

Amazing truth

We as human beings are all the pieces of a huge puzzle and a transiting cellular particles of a major consciousness shift! Terrifying and Fascinating at the same time!

@thehill8353

4 жыл бұрын

kzread.info/dash/bejne/k4efl9akZdyZlaQ.html

Shame is being conflated with contempt, I feel. Contempt is inferiority/superiority or what Perls/Goodman called a disturbed relationship with self. There may well be shame underlying contempt, however, not all shame becomes contempt. Shame is the feeling " I am not good enough" or "I am am flawed, Contempt is "I am shit".

@lunkerjunkie

3 жыл бұрын

I agree. 2021 and we're still struggling to identify body sensations, and emotions.

Outstanding video👍👍👍A new SUB!!!

I would love to see you on the jre..

Brilliant

There is an epidemic of covert narcissism in today's relationships and until couples therapists train to recognise this, they're only further traumatizing the victims by encouraging them to keep working with the narcissist.

@EnigmeDeLaVie

4 жыл бұрын

I think there is an epidemic of labeling people narcissistic. I find that people are quick to label and dismiss someone as narcissistic, as it is a way to shift the blame onto the partner without reflecting on the errors of oneself. I believe that the majority of people are open to reciprocity if you give them the chance. Try having an open communication, speak directly about the things you want out of the relationship and at the same time be prepared to listen. Speak in terms that are easily understandable, and try to leave anger and accusations out of the conversation. Our love comes in different shapes and sizes, so it is also important that you recognize your partner's manifestation of love. It took me a while to recognize my partner's, but just because I wasn't able to see it before, doesn't mean that it didn't exist. Labeling something in haste and then brushing it aside without much consideration does more harm to the relationship than good. Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes more effort in another direction, but it is very possible to have a mutually beneficial relationship.

@odette8905

4 жыл бұрын

@@EnigmeDeLaVie Agree that the term narcissistic is widely used inappropriately. And recognise that narcissism is a scale of behaviour that everyone resides on, so we are all accountable for our own behaviour in a relationship. However, until you've experienced a character-disturbed partner who exhibits extreme entitlement, remorseless exploitation, no empathy for others, maybe you don't appreciate that all the introspection and modified loving approaches in the world will not make a difference. Those therapists who are not educated in extreme narcissism risk sending abused partners back into very unhealthy relationships - and that is secondary retraumatising of the victim.

@EnigmeDeLaVie

4 жыл бұрын

@@odette8905 I would say that extreme narcissism, as you have described is not all that common, not nearly enough to claim that it is an epidemic. My partner was raised by one, so I do know how extreme narcissism manifests itself and tortures/scars the ones around them. However in these cases, (in cases of extreme narcissism) it is not too hard to recognize the pathological patterns, especially to trained eyes. If there are such relationship therapists who send the abused partner back into severely unhealthy relationships, they should not be working as relationship therapists. My point was that although extreme cases exist, it is not as common as people would like to think. Most of the time it is our inability to recognize the various ways that different people contribute to a relationship that misleads us into thinking that we're dealing with narcissists.

@EnigmeDeLaVie

4 жыл бұрын

@@theinitialscc1924 I appreciate your words of encouragement, and I agree with you that narcissism is a co-dependent form of relating. The abusive partners would not thrive if we were properly equipped to deal with such persons. However, I think that we are all scarred and anguished in one way or another, and most of us simply do not know how to act accordingly when such abusive incidents occur. Love is like any other ability, whereas it is a learnt behavior that needs training. And most times we learn how to love ourselves and others by observing how others love us. So I think that the 'victims' that go back to unhealthy relationships on their own accord are not actively seeking victim-hood, so to speak, but rather are not equipped with the healthy mindset that they need to escape the situation. Also in cases of relationships that are simply not functioning properly for both/more parties to benefit from it, people often resort to shifting the blame onto the partner, because introspection is very difficult. It takes enormous effort, and at times it pains us, or rather our ego, to take on the responsibility of our own wrong-doings. This too requires a healthy mindset, which not everybody is equipped with. So I think that the best we can do is to inform, but refrain from blaming anyone. As I wrote earlier on this thread, I believe it is best to leave any anger or accusations out of the conversation, for it to have the desired affect. :)

@odette8905

4 жыл бұрын

@@theinitialscc1924 I don't believe I said anything about going back to them and calling it love. In fact I said the opposite.

Thank you! Finally an alternative has arrived

@thehill8353

4 жыл бұрын

You need to deal with your abuse against women. kzread.info/dash/bejne/k4efl9akZdyZlaQ.html

It’s pretty wild to hear this. I dated someone high in narcissistic traits, low low empathy and I truly had very little to no leverage because I couldn’t get him to care about anything. And I really lost myself in the process. One thing I wrote in a journal was that it always felt like he was going under (shame, couldn’t talk about anything, depressive), or over (grandiose, gregarious, untouchable and eventually screaming/yelling/scary stuff). But I always felt like intimacy was “in the middle”, and it’s cool to hear your takes because I can see my own experiences reflected

Thanks 😊 🫂 🙏

Although the majority of comments seem to be overly defensive, another way to say this is overconfidence and failure. Overconfidence leads to failure even though it's also true that you can't succeed where you don't try. More people suffer from not being confident enough (both male and female) regardless of the type of relationship, but that's not as misunderstood as setting yourself up. The actual point is not to overpower other people or set yourself up in relationships by being overconfident too often as you will fall harder and more importantly, behaving this way may make you accidentally effect others more harshly than you intend. However, this guy is also very suspect. Don't let people hurt your confidence, but also don't let your overconfidence make you hurt yourself or anyone else.

Great topic so relatable to our third world Pakistani men specially. Like my husband but there is no way I can show him this veiw point....... He cannot comprehend this perspective of relationship

@cookinglikeastar6117

4 жыл бұрын

They can't change, they have no experience /role model!

@thehill8353

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool You need to deal with your abuse against women. kzread.info/dash/bejne/k4efl9akZdyZlaQ.html

@TheFaro2011

3 жыл бұрын

Pakistani code is deeply narccisstic. I can see it's trans generational.

@petekdemircioglu

Жыл бұрын

Dont worry. British men cant either. Equal to Pakistani men in many aspects.

I liked Mating in Captivity and like many of the things she says but sometimes it's just a no. For some an affair is no big deal...and that's fine. For others it is the worst betrayal imaginable and I totally get that too. Both positions are understandable. Betrayal (with or without revenge) is one the biggest themes in all kinds of art through all of human history. It doesn't get more fundamental. Literature, music, movies...all littered with betrayal themes many of them matrimonial. Proving how truly powerful this is. Many times it results in murder or suicide or some kind of revenge (regardless if the betrayed is male or female). I completely understand the contempt and will not apologize for that. I would just leave that toxic person immediately and move on. Eventually time away from that person and living my new life, that negative feeling will subside.

@petekdemircioglu

Жыл бұрын

Exactly

Whoa.

Esther Perel, thank you för your video. I would really like to ask you one question and I hope you can answer. How should I (woman) deal with a male partner who gets upset very fast for small things? For example if I am changing plans or if I do a small mistake, he gets angry or sad and complaines or gets sarcastic. How should I communicate?

@lanabridges

4 жыл бұрын

Did you consider that he is envy of you?

@elwing07

4 жыл бұрын

Sounds like he might need help easing up a bit. Maybe you can help him make light of situations instead of everything being heavy. Perhaps make a joke that the worst happened. And then it could open up a conversation about comfort and trust with each other. Maybe there is a need to build be trust between you two. When we are uneasy about little things it can be the bigger things we are actually worried about. To that, I would consider the stability of the relationship and to then vocalize your desire for him and your relationship. This is assuming that the relationship is mutually wanted, but there is just communication work to do, and dealing with a person that gets angry a lot makes it hard for the other to want to keep communicating, but stopping communication would be to throw away the goodness of healthy relationships.

@Lara851000

4 жыл бұрын

@@elwing07 Thank you so much for your comment! Have a nice day. /Lara

@Lara851000

4 жыл бұрын

@@LinYouToo Thank you for your comment. The suggestions are very helpful! / Lara

@Lara851000

4 жыл бұрын

@@lanabridges I have also thought about it. He doesn't meet friends a lot, and he has a complicated relationship with his parents. Sometimes he says "No one has ever loved me like you do", as if he doesn't really feel loved by even his parents. I think he gets jealous that I have other people in my life who wants to meet me. But the main reason is that he feels abandoned, and he has expressed it.

I would have liked him to explain why yelling at another is bad to oneself.

@qtdeshina

4 жыл бұрын

It's about leaving contempt. When you have no contempt for others (outward) you don't feel the need to yell at someone even if they may deserve to be yelled at.

@MajorMkor

4 жыл бұрын

Because it takes you out of your centre, it dysregulates you. Yelling at another means you have exited your peaceful, grounded, chill state and allowed someone else's BS to suck you into their whirlwind.

@humanyoda

4 жыл бұрын

@@MajorMkor, desire to yell at another is a consequence of being upset. I.e., one is already out of his "center" by the time he wants to yell. Yelling helps him express the anger and convey his dissatisfaction.

@MajorMkor

4 жыл бұрын

@@humanyoda Sure and I'm sure in some instances it's inevitable and perhaps even called for, but for the most part if someone yells every time they are upset, or as a regular communication strategy - it's not the best way to get someone to hear you, and it pushes your nervous system over the edge (which answers the original question about why yelling at others - deserved or not - is bad to yourself). At least that's how I see it.

@humanyoda

4 жыл бұрын

@@MajorMkor, I agree with your last comment.

You think that age gap relationship don't work?

He has a KZread just fyi 😊

Dear Ester, you talk alot about infidelity and how to approach healing process from both sides. But what if the betrayed partner has become violent, agresive and abusive, reliving over and over the trauma and making it only about himself, not being aware of the consequences of his own actions or the betrayal he did by violating the space of the partner who commited betrayal? We live in society where there is an unspoken right for the betrayed to avenge at any cost his own feelings. This theme is highly unspoken and I'm hoping that you would give us some input on where is the limit and how much does a person has to invest in order to save the relationship but not at the cost of destroying oneself and just feeding the rage and the destruction of the betrayed.

@npaola06

4 жыл бұрын

Go to couples therapy. They will be able to help to heal the relationship or finish it.

How do I not yell when she did something so bad that it makes me angry constantly. I used to be always calm, now that feels so distant.

@sdm4783

4 жыл бұрын

You control your anger not her. Yelling does not make it better, it is your pressurer cooker reliever. Be logical....what else os really going on? Are you playing out some childhood family roles or hers or yours? Do you just not want to be there and do not know how to get out? No one is going to change to make your life easier. The change comes from you.

@sdm4783

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool what are you talking about? You can only change yourself.....I was talking to the person who wrote the comment. My point was we tend to play out some of our childhood parental examples in relationships. Look within and make choices. I know I am better on the other side of a toxic relationship because I changed me and how I looked at things.You just learn and grow. Idk where lesbianism came into this.

Wow, what men have to deal with is complex. I guess it can be hard to empathise when one is treated as 'the weaker sex', as it were. I think women would be more, forgiving, if men would just let them be people, rather than trying to make us 'women' all the time. We always have to be women, we can never just, be. Like, we have to be women, in order for men to be men. If we dress a certain way, or act a certain way, they're not men anymore. Women don't think like this, we don't need men, to make us women. We're just, women😊

@iamaleo247

4 жыл бұрын

Ebby C: Good point!

@ebbyc1817

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool Please leave me alone.😄

@ebbyc1817

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool you had the benefit of the doubt on the first comment. clearly you have some racist or misogynist thing going on. Therefore I suggest you no longer comment on this thread.

Problem is marriage, a piece of paper often gives to other, especially to females.

This Terry guy is nice but really not at the level of Esther. He is a standard academic. So sad. I wish him and others in his position would understand what Esther is teaching so that so many fewer people would live a fearful and not exciting life.

@investornabil8825

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool Esther def is not

@investornabil8825

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool I know what u mean dude. I recommend u to go play soccer or do masculine things. Will feel good. Just ignore the haters. Btw, Esther is a strong supporter of both men and women. She is more anti women than she is anti men. But in reality she is pro all. She is a bridge and a smart innovative person. I recommend u watch more of her stuff. I know what u mean but you have a wrong idea about her. I understand why tho, the narrative u describe is common amongst social "scientists". It's both anti male and anti female altho they think they are pro female and they try to be anti male. What u describe is not Esther Perel tho. She is not part of that cult.

@investornabil8825

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool show me the link. Because that's not what she says. She said that there is more expected from men externally in the society, responsibilities that women don't have to deal with. That's true. Women deal more with internal stuff and men more with external. She isn't as good as Tony Robbins but she is at a very high level also. Last point: "if you go look for racism everywhere you will find it everywhere." Whatever u look for u will find. Confirmation bias. So care that u don't fall in the same trap as the feminists who think everything including the society is sexist against them. I understand why u feel that way tho. But I invite you to look back and try to find where she said that to see whether it might have been ur own interpretation based on most other social "scientists" who are frustrated. She isn't that. I hope I have a drink with her one day.

@investornabil8825

4 жыл бұрын

@Black Knight Fool I don't know the guy and am not interested in him. Just cause she talks with him doesn't mean she agrees with with him. That's death by association. You aren't trying to look at why you have this opinion of her. U didn't take time to see whether u misinterpreted what she said. But I agree with u on how most feminists are. They are frustrated cause they haven't found a way to express healthy feminine energy in the society. They are pushed by the culture to see acting masculine as good and feminine as bad. With men its the opposite.

Pathocracy

Esther I love your lectures and you you address every problem quite sensibly and comprehensively!You resemble Hillary Clinton if you don't mind!

yelling is necessary sometimes

@MrFury777

4 жыл бұрын

That’s what women do best

This video contains is toxic.

This guy is manipulative. I’ve dealt with a few women that I found out later to have NPD and BPD. Women are being rewarded by today’s society to act like grandiose victims while shaming men. This guy is the epitome of virtue-signaling. I guess this video MUST be for Saudi Arabia if it’s talking about “patriarchy”.

@LikeToWatch77

4 жыл бұрын

I felt physical pain at the cringe every time he said "patriarchy".

@michaeljensen4650

4 жыл бұрын

Why does no one publicly call out women on their grandiosity, vanity and narcissism. The so called statistics on BPD and NPD are grossly inaccurate and only represent a small portion of the population. Narcissists do not announce themselves deliberately or actively pursue therapy with mental health professionals. There is a substantial number of women in the world that are utterly ruthless and predatory. They are entitled, duplicitous, manipulative and extremely dangerous. Should I then say that all women are evil. Wouldn't I be guilty of the same type of over generalization that our champion of marriage Terry Real is. The message is always you are a "bad man". That all men are Narcissistic, envious and hyper competitive. This is a falsehood, a lie. Healthy Masculinity does not need to bully, humiliate, or grandstand. Healthy and competent men lead. Where has this misleading narrative making Masculinity synonymous with Narcissism and "Patriarchy" come from? This is a false equivalent and utter propaganda. Women all around the world are struggling to incorporate their shadow. They are having difficulty owning their own aggressive, competitive, territorial, and hyper materialistic tendencies. They then project and blame refusing to see the benefit and great privilege they enjoy. They struggle with their own masculinity and therefore project their own negative traits onto men as a whole failing to see their contribution to the difficulties and disparity in our modern societies. Nice leather jacket Ester. What sweat shop was that fabricated in? Somewhere in Italy with illegal labor. This diatribe is not bringing men and women closer together. Painting men with such a broad brush while failing to hold women accountable is nothing more than cleverly disguised rhetoric. Feminism 4.0!!!

@j.c5078

4 жыл бұрын

Facts.

this guest sounds like he doesn't understand men well or he doesn't care about them. he's more concerned about scoring points with his female clients

@michaeljensen4650

4 жыл бұрын

For Terry Real pandering to immature women is where the money is at. You cannot make someone love you who is unwilling or unable to do so and you cannot make an abuser grow a conscience. Some people become abusive in response to being abused while others are sadistic perpetrators who hide in plain sight by acting like victims. This behavior is found in both men and women alike. Some people waste years of their lives trying to repair abusive and exploitive relationship needlessly wasting time with therapists who enable abusers either unknowingly or out of ignorance.

Lost me with lefty jargon.

@DenkyManner

9 ай бұрын

there's hardly any. your right wing brain is much too sensitive

OMG... Your thank you close the conversation.