Coaching available at dotheyloveme.com/

@Cali1414

Жыл бұрын

I’m not that confused anymore. After watching some more of your videos. I understand what happened. He was confused still while dating someone else. But would reach out to me being emotional and having curiosity. Every time my ex ‘TESTED ME’ I failed by getting angry and pushed him away . I was too hyper focus on his actions . I’m starting to believe it was from being in shock! One day outta nowhere he pops up with someone else on Facebook and IG. Even tho we were broken up . I thought we could works things out. Because I wasn’t educated on how human beings operate. Neuroscience, psychology. The no contact works on anybody. Not just your ex . You can go on vacation and come back and your dogs. Kids etc will be all over you when you come back from a 2 week vacation. No contacts works in different ways. I might still have a consultation with you Coach Ken.

@don8509

10 ай бұрын

Coach what coach what if you both are going through a break from each other. But we stay i the same household. But there are kids involved? It’s only been couple weeks we been through this. I feel there is another man behind the scenes she works longer hours even on her days off she still goes to work. She told there was nobody else?

@pn.3846

5 ай бұрын

YOU ARE THE BEST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THESE LIFESAVING VIDEOS ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE LONGER THAN MOST OF THE OTHER COACHES!!! @CoachKen

Actually I believe “no contact” does work in every single situation. You either get them back, or decide if you even want them back when the return, or they never return, and you have exited with your dignity.

@CoachKen

8 ай бұрын

It can start as pue desperation to get them back and then people sometimes re-discover how strong they are without them and then decide they were actually in no contact to get over them, even if they didn't know it at the time

@flower_7890

25 күн бұрын

I would even say it's the only right thing to do😊 no amount of begging, waiting etc will work so what's the point?! Please don't Waste of your time, energy and precious life. Move on and things will work out either way, trust the process 💪

Coach Ken you’re a G. I’m in 6 weeks no contact and been watching you and Coach Lee’s videos. I got in the gym heavy and ended up meeting someone significantly better than my ex early this week, we’re going out this weekend. I’ve also been getting more attention from women in the gym and the office. I’m starting to care less and less if she comes back. No contact always works, even if it doesn’t work the way you initially want it to. Fellas, just make sure you’re working on YOURSELF. Heartbreak should give you unlimited energy, use it to transform and upgrade.

@CoachKen

7 ай бұрын

Well said - heartbreak is fuel - painful fuel, but it burns strong

@jumpedintheriverwhatdidise5499

5 ай бұрын

Anyone who moves on within 6 weeks never had real love. Don't act like the big man. When you go through this for real one day with someone you really, I mean really love you will truly know the struggle.

@Juswub80

5 ай бұрын

@@jumpedintheriverwhatdidise5499 you’d like that, wouldn’t you?

The pain of a break up sucks. I wish there was an off switch or fast forward button through the pain. I love deep and constantly try to analyze everything to gain understanding for the best possible outcome. Super fixated on the solution and the not knowing is what gives me anxiety. Letting go and letting him feel the loss and sitting in it sucks. Anytime something went south I was the one to hold it together beg plead and be the rationale of having communication that would rectify arguments. Doing this without making him do the work was the problem. Being loyal and dedicated is a curse at times because the other person thinks you will always be there no matter what when they are ready. For the first time in 3 years instead of chasing him when he leaves the relationship I’ve let it go! A huge change up and it’s so hard. Seems like the more I chased and more effort I put in the less I was valued!

@SoundsSilver

Жыл бұрын

Very relatable. How long have you been in no contact so far?

@bittesys

6 ай бұрын

😢❤

Excellent presentation on 'No contact'. Whether he/she comes back or not, you have your value, respect, and emotional strength for the rest of your life. You should be willing and ready to walk away from any situation which demeans you as human. Thanks a lot.

I went into no contact 9 months ago for the sole purpose of ignoring my ex. No other reason. In the beginning I would have entertained reconciling with her and possibly starting over. But, the more I committed to no contact for my own personal benefit, the more I realized that me and my ex were not a match. We just are not compatible for long term success. We had been together for years and years and towards the end we drifted apart, or at least I did. I wasn't happy and I felt that my ex didnt take my feelings serious and I wasn't interested in her feelings as much because of that. All in all I've used no contact to actually heal and move on from what couldve been. Not everyone is meant to be together. The worst part of any break up is the feeling of loneliness and loss of intimacy. The best you can do, whether you want your ex back OR not is to give them complete and total absence and silence. Remove your self from all their social media and social circles. Become a ghost. Outside of dating, when talking about long term couples, 9/10 there is a significant reason the relationship didnt work and you aren't going to fix or repair anything anytime soon if you have intentions to do so. Hold your self accountable in both positive and negative aspects of your relationship failing and take the time to improve upon your self. And lastly, my advice would be to start enjoying your own company. Take advantage of your solitude while in no contact. Use the time to venture into new things and meet new people, new hobbies, new social circles etc. You might just find that your new life is far more fulfilling and exciting going about it by your self than with someone you're emotionally and intimately attached with. Get to know who you really are. That advice is obviously more suited towards those who dont have a dependent personality and dont NEED to be with someone. Also, no matter what your position is and intent you have for using no contact, do not go looking for love or companionship, let it find you naturally. A lot of people in the early stages of a break up or those who tend to obsess will find all this difficult but it can be done, just don't live your life looking thru the rear view mirror and should end up where you need to be.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Sometimes No Contact works by you being the one who remembers what you're worth

No contact actually works! The ex the dumper is now sending her daughter to reach out. Nc taught me a lot. Still have love for her daughter, but have no interest in the ex gf now. Actually talking to a fricken beautiful healthy lady now. Thanks Ken n Lee for the dope advise!

You are very talented to put that stuff into words while staying authentic. Thank you brother!

All good points Coach Ken. I do love her and I’m showing her how much I do love her by staying in no contact. Stay healthy and safe inside your body😉🤙🏼

Coach Ken has the ability to relate to you, and speak your pain being in your shoes. His ability of identifying multiple lame excuses we come up with to break the NC rule are amazing. Much Respect.🙏

Simple, good and honest advice without the waffle. Thank you.

It’s the same plan regardless of what outcome you are hoping for. I literally flip flop every so often but maintain no contact. It works for me and that’s what I care about.

@isaacjacobs3785

9 ай бұрын

A fantastic honest comment I can really relate with! " I literally flip flop every so often "

This is probably the most informative and honest ‘no contact’ video on here. 👍🏻

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for the kind words Angie!

You & “Mindful attraction” are the best at talking.

You and Coach Lee know exactly what to say! 💪🏾💯

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Marcus! Much appreciated!

Thanks for this video, Coach Ken. From my own experience, I have come across many different types of personalities when dating women. "No contact" is a life saver and may be your only choice at times. I regained my strength and it allowed me to step out of the emotional fog of being caught in relationship power struggles and games. No contact always helped me to see things more clearly.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Anthony - I agree - it has a way of reminding the person doing of their worth as much as it reminds the person that broke up with them

I think you speak so much truth, I love your advice ❤️

Great video as always Coach!! ❤

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Julia - long distance mental hug!

Thank you for your advice💜 That was great!

GREAT TOPIC, AND GREAT PRESENTATION, KEN! 👍

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Jann - Great to see you (in the comment section I mean :) )

@jannlewandowski5540

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen Ken, I ALWAYS watch you! 👍

You're the best Ken

Preach! I'm going to listen to this 3 times til I get it

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

You rock Dana - Thank you!

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

I was at fault and mistreated my boyfriend. It wasn't intentional. I grew up in an abusive, violent, alcoholic family. Lots of manipulation and narcissism. I endured terrible relationships. I'm giving him time to accept my apology. I'm not going to try and persuade him. Doing NC. He really loved me and showed it. Any thoughts coach? Your phenomenal by the way!

Very good video 🙏🏻

Another great video ❤️

I like your analogy of hanging out on the porch.

I’m 30 days NC today (after six months of breadcrumbing and a lot of confusion). I’ve had several rough spots where I had to really fight the urge, but I’ve stuck to it. Part of me thinks I’ll never hear from her again, but another part of me visualizes when that communication comes in, what I’ll do an how I’ll handle it. I’ll be ready.

@gjorgji9339

9 ай бұрын

Updates?

@josephsmith3469

3 ай бұрын

Similar situation here and it's been 16 days now and 7 months since the break up. I feel similar to how you must have felt when you wrote this comment. Wish I had initiated no contact much sooner and stuck to it. I think i would have felt much better about myself. hope it worked out for you, man.

In my own opinion. I do think that no contact could work or not. It depends on for what reason our partner has been gone and how he is doing well after the separation. No contact could bring the partner back because of some psychological reasons but is no guarantee to do so. I would say. It increase the chance that your partner comes back. So. I would not say: "Make no contact and your partner comes back." But No contact is able to prepare you for a new start with a life without this particular partner.

I am putting my trust in what Coach Ken and Coach Lee have taught me, my ex is definitely different never met someone who bragged so much about never going back to a ex or never contacting a ex again I have done really good in no contact and not to discourage anybody but for me in my situation I haven't heard a word, a breadcrumb, absolutely nothing and it eats at me everyday!!! It seems to me if I mattered or if she loved me at all even just a tiny bit she would have reached out before 4 months that's my logical thinking but I will keep following the advice of Lee & Ken I know for a fact after Ken's video where he became emotional he HAS been where I am now!!

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the kind words

@davidgordon2406

Жыл бұрын

Save your time and money your ex in not coming back I tried no contact with my wife for years Why would you want t anyone who would do this to you You deserve better

@sloanmagnum5009

Жыл бұрын

Nobody is entitled to reconcile with an ex. Some people choose to move on because they did not feel compatible with the other person and that's fine. I've had lots of ex's and each one felt like the one. But they weren't and you move on and find someone else and forget about the ex and focus on what is new.

@davidgordon2406

Жыл бұрын

@@sloanmagnum5009 I did not say you are entitled to reconcile with your ex. I did say no contact is a bunch of bullshit and does not work for people that are married If three coaches had real life case studies to prove otherwise I am all ears. If you are married with kids and think by being in no contact is so how going to change anything you are unfortunately going to find out the hard way. If you are like I am sure most of the people are on this channel just boyfriend and girlfriend maybe this does work. But again from my over 5 years of no contact for me it did exactly what I thought it would and did not attract my wife back to me like they claim it does end of story

@davidgordon2406

Жыл бұрын

@@Bobess22 I wish I could say I am ok but I really am not I also wish these life coaches knew what they are talking about Clearly they do not They just want your money and do not care about anything else I wish I took the advice I was given by someone who got a PHD has real life experience in this field and moved on like they told me to do But when you have 3 kids and love your wife much easier said then done Hope you are ok as well

This may sound twisted and dark. But I like when you guys say they may be in a rebound whenever I hear. You say that that makes me not want them back anymore in a romantic level. If they do come back, it's just for the physical part of it. Maybe I need therapy. I don't know but I don't feel guilty doing that.

I’m choosing to love someone who has my back and prioritizes our relationship

The fan mail to Jennifer Aniston bit was hilarious.

Your insights and you are handsome Someone is lucky to have you.❤️

Great content 🎉thanks 😊

If someone comes back after a couple months, I would inquire who didn’t work out for them before considering taking them back.

@CoachKen

8 ай бұрын

A lot of people would - some would rather not know - depends on the situation but I get it

Been no contact for 17 months now. Nothing from him at all. I just wish we had closure. I think that keeps me stuck. I did nothing wrong to him. Except help him.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry - he doesn't sound worthy of you.

@wandayarbrough

Жыл бұрын

He's not

@sloanmagnum5009

Жыл бұрын

You should be moving forward without the intent of getting your ex back. You should be either enjoying your solitude or entertaining someone new. You're only torturing your self at this point. You ex had clearly move on entirely. The only closure you will probably ever get is your self induced indifference towards your ex.

@elska17

Жыл бұрын

I admire your strength, no matter the possible anxiety and sorrow. I 'm afraid I' m on the same path as you.. I keep my strength in practicing mindfulness, seeing myself as my best friend, always trying to remember myself that there are 2 ways of looking at it :the victime one (then I really feel sad, with much more anxiety about the future, getting cynical..) or or the path of "If I do not choose for myself, who will ?" But this goes with ups and downs, especially because of my very ill mother (cancer).. So therefore.. I do admire your strength.. Wish you all the best and.. because of self love, someone new, a soulmate, that gives you the best possible love, take care🙏

@DeadMysticx

Жыл бұрын

11 months of no contact. No reach out of him but during this time he showed a lot of signs that he struggles with the breakup. I am almost completely moved on, but I set a last date for my self. I will move during summer and during that time I will contact him. If he won't answer I can move on completely.

These videos have been really great for me. I am in no contact with a woman that I have known for 12 years from college. She reached out to me for support last year from her divorce. We talked every day as friends and I showed little romantic interest as it’s long distance. After 6 months we decided to let ourselves pursue these feelings, and it was really great. We broke up and I let her go and she seemed to come back after three weeks, last month she pushed me away again saying she’s not in a place to pursue this anymore. I’ve been in nc since. She’s reached to me a few times, and she’s said she misses me, but the conversations are few and far between. I hope we took the proper steps to not be a rebound, but I don’t really know. Encouragement would be appreciated.

He reached out after two month but only to tell me that he was in hospital, he had an infection of the water in his brain. He wanted to tell me the reasons for breaking up (which he didn’t do before) and gave me a list of what I did wrong (our love life wasn’t so good anymore for example)We met and I told him that we could work on everything, he later wrote me that he still loves me and would want to try again but that he had sex with someone else and is friends with her now and still wants to see her (She prefers women) When I said this could be problematic (not that he had sex but the friendship) he said that it won’t work out then because I don’t trust him and basically dumped me a second time. A week later I wrote him and he told me that he totally gave up on us. I’m in no contact again but I think it’s hopeless now, it really hurts because we are married and we were together for eight years.For the most part we had a great relationship. I’m trying to give up on him, it’s hard. It’s almost three month now since the breakup and sometimes I still feel like dying inside. I wish he would value me like he used to do. Do you guys think there might be still a bit of hope ?

@XXRedHeadedLassXX

8 ай бұрын

Nah he isn't the type of guy you want in your life! He only wishes to toy with you and use you to his advantage. Run and don't look back! 😮😮😮😮😮

@monarene44

7 ай бұрын

It’s more than problematic. Expect nothing from this person. Loyalty is not a direction he’s willing to go in.

@carlrav5660

5 ай бұрын

I feel for you....a lot. But I think you need to remember the bad times along with the good. Logically, you know you can't have a relationship when only you are doing the work and he decided he doesn't want to. He made that decision.... totally on him. So you go on about your own....do other things.

After around three months of sporadic on and off contact (after a five-year relationship), after keeping taking all blame for the relationship failing, and helping her one last time (and I'd be ghosted or insulted in the interim) I've decided to abruptly pull the plug and go full No Contact. Was I perfect? Hell no Was she? Hell no! Now after all these years, I'm fighting for the thing that matters - my physical and mental health.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

I don't know the details but based on your summary - YES - Full No Contact

@nic867

Жыл бұрын

This sounds exactly like my borderline ex. The last few no contact phases, she always contacted me after a few weeks or months. Now I think it is completely over. The hope that she contacts me is also the fear that she contacts me. I know I'm crazy but I still love her and it cripples me in my life.

@SFragger100

Жыл бұрын

@@nic867 understand you correctly....at some point you have to stop responding to the breadcrumbs, and fully try and recover. I'm tired of blaming myself, falling to breadcrumbs, and angry at my weakness. I love her, I really do - but these past five months, I haven't been living, if I wanted to be honest. No matter how much I do self-improvements, every spare second - or falling asleep - listening to this type of videos has broken me..

@nic867

Жыл бұрын

@@SFragger100 why broken you? It keeps me halfway sane because there is my inner voice that blames me for everything gone wrong. I even think I am the one with borderline and I have this urge to contact her.

@SFragger100

Жыл бұрын

@@nic867 five months, constantly thinking about her. What I could have done, what ifs and if only-s. Seeing these videos and telling myself there's hope for the future... ...and the more I think about her, the more I end up breaking NC, just to get no reply, which sends me into another downspiral where I have to pick up my pieces again, only for the cycle to happen again 4-5 weeks down the line. It exhausted me, tbh

Makes perfect sense.

Every word and detail you explained happened to me. I mean every thing. I chased for 2 years! Because my ex keep on calling me.

No Contact helps me to heal myself and move forward

I was with a girl I suspected of having BPD. I've lost my trust to her because of lies and push/pull. She wanted to break-up a second time in the first month and I accepted that. Next day she came back but, I acted harshly due to things I've read in r/bpdlovedones and due to feeling of being manipulated. After that she tried to get reaction out of me by sharing stories with guys etc. I got colder by that act. Then, she called and I didn't open. She still drops some crumbs when she sees me but nothing concrete, not real comeback. Did I reversed the roles, is she the one being on NC while I became the dumper or should I keep going? I am courteous towards her nowadays.

We dated 3 years and Im almost a week in to the no contact and in my head it feels like she’s just getting over me. She was emotionless when I started no contact

thanks a lot for informations

I’ve gotten my ex back by NOT doing no contact. And now that I’ve done it, she’s far away. We’ve broken up before. I always fix it

@TheFeezy777

Жыл бұрын

How you do it without No contact?

Have a question. If you ended the relationship fighting and being disrespected but still love her and ignored the messages about dumb stuff like arguing about a shirt or returning something and not responding but get a message from her 2 weeks after break up at 6am then unsends it but still watched my stories probably once a week even 40 days after no contact is there a possibility that she misses me but is too scared i might reject her & or is bread crumbing me by watching my stories but not hitting me up again is there a possibility we could reconcile? Again I ignored those messages maybe she unsent her message because she thought I would ignore it as well? Idk i’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions everyday watching Coach lee and ken 24/7 beating myself up i just miss her so much. we raised a dog together for 3 years and she rips him away from me w ease but told me when we broke up she still loved me and always will and it would hurt to never be able to talk again but also told me I would never see her or my dog again…. I just i’m heartbroken and been wanting some type of closure shit sucks so bad currently 40 days in NC my heart hurts everyday

dam excellent video!..................wow!

I am the dumper simply because I lost attraction for her because of her narsisistic avoidant behaviour. We had been dating for 8 months and I loved her. Now in no contact for 6 weeks.

I don’t want no contact to be how we end

Coach Ken, I finally get to say no contact worked, although im not sure if its a success story yet, she did an indirect approach, (exchanging things) and i said id drop off her thing and she could leave mine on the porch, by the end she set up to be there when I drop off show she could show me the new born kittens, 51 days!!! hardest thing ive done, thank you for giving me strength, and do you have any advice for our meet?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

MANHUG! You got this

@CoachKen I’d say of all my relationships maybe 25% of my relationships have come back after a breakup? No contact does not always work? Correct?

Thank God for your insight. I am hurting 😢

@CoachKen

5 ай бұрын

What happened?

@williamdepa3570

5 ай бұрын

Coach Ken is the best out there ... take it from me I did it all wrong... its amazing Ken's insight

Hi Coach Ken. I have one question. Did No Contact work to get an Ex back when she got engaged with a rebound after 3 or 4 months getting know each other? I did no contact right after few days she broke up with me. But I did plead and beg in front of her house before. I did no contact like 4 days after that and at day-53 she reach me out. She was asking about sending back my ring that I gave her when I did proposed her before. But I guess she was just trying to check me whether I respond to her text. Now it's been day 87, I did contact her sometimes after she reached me out on the day - 53. She will be getting engaged next week. So now I'm continuing my no contact for the 2nd time. Will there be any chances to get her back if she is getting engaged with her rebound guy?

Does anybody go through extreme ups and downs? Like for example, at night time the no contact really hits me hard and makes me want to see what the hell is going on with her. But in the morning, I'm fine and refuse to ever cave into reaching out. It's a roller coaster ride of bs. Thankfully I've stayed strong so far.

@CoachKen

11 ай бұрын

Yes - diff times and situations/triggers but yes

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

Yes. It's a freakin roller coaster. Incredibly challenging. I found my relationship with the Lord has kept me strong and given me joy in a tough time of NC.

Hi Coach Ken. I have a question about the No contact rule. Here in Denmark we have a mobilepay system, where you can react to a transfer with an emoji. Everytime I have send the childsupport to her, she reacts with a Heart, and I the other way around. She left me 2 months ago, and I have been in no contact for 3 weeks now. Is this a test she's is doing to see if she still have me where she want me or? Should I stop reacting to those transfers? Please advise.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Little information to go off of - but I would stop sending the hearts and project a willingness to move forward

I wasn’t able to live with someone who pathologically lies, and gaslights and flirts with women in my presence

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Good - all reasonable boundaries

My ex and I had been riding a roller coaster for 2 years. But we kept unhealthily hanging on to each other. He also loves to flirt with other women. I left about a month ago. He has written messages a few times, asking how I am. Very short, nothing of real meaning. It's been really hard going into no contact. I've lost my best friend. But we both need this separation.

@albertodeulofeu5277

Жыл бұрын

You left. Not him. He’s reaching out. It should be you

@chriswest7639

Жыл бұрын

@@albertodeulofeu5277 what should I do?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

In that situation wait until he reaches out with something substantial that shows he doesn't just miss you but can see and acknowledge the boundaries he crossed. Not all No Contacts are the same.

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

​@@chriswest7639Pray about it! Only the Lord knows the future and if he'd be a good husband.

No contact works in doing what? I missed it, please point it out. 🙏🏼

What if I was the one who gave him value and constant ego boost and he still dumped me? Will he miss it in no contact ? Even when he said to move on he’s not interested ?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Give. him time to start to wonder if you really are moving on - EGO makes even a narc wonder about the person strong enough to walk away.

I am in the midst of exactly this. I have worked in mining, construction and hunting camps, some pretty rough individuals. I have not seen the nastiness of my wife We are separated for several months and the onslaught of insults, accusations and irrational statements. It is bizarre ! I am not responding to any of it- now. She is delusional, and many see it, but she cannot. No doubt, this is a severe mental illness

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

I'm sorry you're going through that - happy you're able to pull back!

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

She needs salvation in Christ.

Wife of 30 years separated after some financial troubles triggered the doubts she occasionally had to suppress. We've two teenage kids. I've handled the finances but still she remains away. She met a new wealthy love interest after a few weeks. She still comes to see the kids almost daily, when I'm not there. I've tried talking to her but to no avail. She owns half the house and her stuff is here as a constant reminder. So I can't do no contact. If she won't willingly come back then it's over. But she will then try to stop the sale of our house until the kids are older. Trapped and with a broken heart...

My wife said we need to take a break right before she was traveling to a church conference. She sent me a very long text telling me how much she loves me and how she is just confused and going to stay with her parents when she comes back for a few days. She said she didn't want to get on the flight without me knowing that she loves me. I hope I did the right thing by not replying. It's been 2 days now and have not contacted her. I just feel anytime now she's going to text and ask how the cat is doing or the dogs but not sure how to reply if that happens. She's wondering why we grew apart and I pointed to the fact she spends ninety percent of her time on Facebook when she's with me.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

It's still early - give it time and be patient with yourself while you're being hit by that wave of anxiety. It will ebb and flood at times. Don't fight the anxiety - but don't trust it either

@WinstonBartholomewIII

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen thank you very much coach 👍

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

She doesn't sound like someone who.prioritzes Christ or you. My guess is she will return if you give her time and space. Good Godly counsel would benefit you both.

Hi Coach Ken does no contact work even after begging n pleading wat if he blocked u on everything does it still work, coz i also blocked him on everything.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

It's worked countless times even in a situation like that - However, not making the claim that it works every time. It doesn't - but getting blocked and recovering is pretty common thing - it just feels very unlikely in the moment

THIS THIS THIS 👌

Coach Ken need a quick advise. I am Indian been to USA for 2.5 months and been in a relationship with a US women. The relationship was very awesome and intimate the whole time I was there in US. When I came back in India we used to chat and vchat almost daily but all of a sudden she gave small excuses and broke up. I begged pleaded and was ready to be just friends as she said. I am feeling hopeless and feel my dreams are shattered as we were planning to marry and to meet in September and I booked plane tickets which are non refundable. However she said we can plan to meet though. I am confused what should I do, do no contact. Please help. During mornings it like hell of pain.

@CoachKen

Ай бұрын

Give it time - hard to be specific without knowing more details - but going by what you have here, stick in no contact. 2.5 months is scary but still too early to give up all hope especially if you chased at the end. That pursuit will give her substantial protection from a sense of loss for a while

We were never “together”. She has her walls very high and pushes away because of past traumas. Her and i became very close but after a few months she started talking to another guy romantically. We had multiple talks about it and i told her that i have real feelings for her and i want to be exclusive with her. She said she cant give it because she doesn’t know if she could ever truly trust snd love again. Yesterday I told her I cant just be her friend and i have to walk away now. I have done and succeeded with no contact in the past but this situation as a whole is very confusing for me

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

What's confusing about it? She's a broken woman in dire need of the restoring & loving power of Christ Jesus.

I will really try Coach...ill mak his fault list out right now. I dont know why i got so zttached to this guy, ive had boyfriends come and go znd the thought of him is still gutwrenching. Maybe its a wound that didnt really heal. But ill keep watching you.

Could you perhaps do a ‘they didn’t officially break up with me they just ghosted’. Just reconnected with my DA ex (a third time I hasten to add) a weekend together and he deactivated and ghosted. He’s conflicted by his commitment versus independence but I’m exhausted Coach Ken 😔

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry - yes, I'll do one on the ghosting version of a breakup - attachment style aside it still doesn't say much for his character and functional empathy

@AngiePyott

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen thank you. I can’t not love him as I know his DA controls his behaviour and his self sabotage will always be the curse. I’m just sad I couldn’t persuade him to try and allow the good in

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

​@@AngiePyottYour not his Savior. Only God can change a person. He probably did you a favor. Marriage would have been hell. Been there done that.

I left after 5 yrs. Did no contact. He's a narcissist and has gone through two people. He's now reaching out through friends.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

RUN - Narcs are incredibly addictive and seductive in spite of you being aware they're dangerous

what if they bring you up in random convos with mutual friends during no contact expressing they hope to never run into you again and express they need a drink if you will be in their area

@CoachKen

4 ай бұрын

When talking to those friends say something like "I wish it had ended differently but I'm not trying to talk anyone into being with me - so they should find the right person for them the way I'm sure I'll find the right person for me."

I wonder, what should one do when you are in the "no-contact" with a BPD, after a year-long relationship, and she has a birthday upcoming, should you like completely ignore it? Doesn't sound right

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Don't reach out - it reinforces the idea that you're still there which makes it much more difficult to feel the sense of loss they need to trigger re-attraction. She can't miss what isn't gone.

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

It's tempting. Your a good guy but don't do it. She absolutely must feel the loss.

What does it means when your ex wants to be friends? And he says he cares about me and want to see if we can talk and work together. But he’s in a relationship and I think . I’m not sure. But I think his girlfriend might be moving with him. Because that’s what he wanted with me before we broke up. We have been broken up for 2.5 years now. But he called me almost every day . Then he moved to L.A to fix up his grandmother’s house to live in. Yes- I chased him . Cried. Begged for 2.5 years as well. So I am a little confused. Because I was so angry. All I can do is move on and show him I was really angry and change. I didn’t know how to use my feminine energy as well and put my focus into myself . I think Covid had a little to do with isolating myself and all in head . I’m still healing but I am getting better. I want to be cool with my ex - but not friends . I want to work from home as well and he’s been helping me with my accounting with clients. I think I’ve Codependent with work. But I knew nothing about it and I have kids - He’s a CPA . So I feel stuck . Because I know he’s a good resource for business. It just hurts that he slow faded me. I also watched him with his new relationship. So yeah 🥴😮‍💨

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

He wants you as back up plan and ego boost. I'd stay away hard as it will be. Don't use work as an excuse. You must learn to love you! Be the beautiful, feminine, worthwhile woman God made you to be. Turn your life over to Christ. Best decision I made!

@Cali1414

10 ай бұрын

@@danilaroche1156 Thank you! Yes, I am working on that. Ive been confused because the breakup was my fault. I got angry when he tried to work it out by talking to me. I wanted him to go back to dating me, again . But he told me he wasn’t coming back until I change, and stop talking about the past. He was confused,. Monkey branched me; Then gaslit me. Into another relationship. No matter what, I need to take care of myself . Because that’s is self love and being closer to GOD by loving myself and not acting desperate. But I got hyper focused, and emotional after I realized I made an mistake by being ungrateful and angry. So we both projected our anger towards each other. The problem is all this logic will not bring him back . Because I tried to talk to him about what happened. It just doesn’t work. Even tho. Our breakup was my fault . He still wanted me . I just didn’t play my cards right. I should’ve apologized once and went into no contact and worked on myself moving forward. But I went into fear mode thinking I would never talk to him again and the new person will take him away permanently. Chasing him is so not me; I knew better. But my hormones and emotions took over and fell for it. Loving yourself is the best thing you can do in any circumstance. and remove yourself when things are not for you. Everyone situation is different. So I should’ve played my cards right . If he wanted me as a back up plan . Since the breakup was my fault. I should’ve made him chase me while moving on not get angry that he using me as back plan; dating and looking for a ego boost . I should’ve put some boundaries down . Lesson learn

Hi. Soul here. Day 61 nc saw a friend of hers day 62 nc get 1 crappy line email" my friends are honest and loyal to me" idk what to do. So meaningless. All this time...should I even respond to that or stay nc?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Still somewhat early - and her reaching out even with a little line shows you are on her mind . I like you not responding to that vague line or if you do with something short like "??? - not sure what you mean"

@soulburning2000

Жыл бұрын

@CoachKen I appreciate you alot. I'm In tears every day from the bpd breakup. Just deaded me. At 53 how much disappointment can a guy take. .. Thank u Ken. I'll try to just keep the NC. On day 63 but haven't seen her since November

@soulburning2000

Жыл бұрын

She called from unk #.;heard her voice and panicked hung up. Afraid she'd just bitch me out for talking to her friend and thinking do i even want this after being left like trash. Regardless

But I dumped her and I have never felt good about it !!! I miss her everyday and I chased and I broke no contact and now I am hopeless but I went back to jo contact

Been no contact for 13 hours blocked her on everything and boy do i feel great!

@blessingsfromspirit6881

Жыл бұрын

How are you doing now?

YOU ARE THE BEST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THESE LIFESAVING VIDEOS ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE LONGER THAN MOST OF THE OTHER COACHES!!! @coachken

Do I understand this correctly, that this approach is useless on someone with BPD? My husband has been on a rampage starting last year, and right now he is completely of the chains. By putting all the pieces together ( he is officially diagnosed with PTSD) but his therapist advised DBT, thst and his worsening behavior eventually led me to the PBD conclusion. I don't want to go to much into details,but he is a textbook BPD. A month ago, he fled to the other side of the world, with tons of phone numbers of girls , meanwhile texting ne that he misses us and want his fanily back etc etc. Once I gave in an inch he would slam the door in my face by saying he never felt wanted and that he s happy now and never coming back. I can go on and on. I know NC is the way to go, but I'm not ready. I did block him almost everywhere. He has severed all ties with his family. He has blocked his mother, whom he says he hates. She enabled him and would save him financially or otherwise up to the moment she dropped him off at the airport. He still reaches out to me despite the fact that I told him to go f himself. He claimed that he would never come back again, but technically, he has to. And second is I know him well enough that everything he started in his life started off as the best thing that happened to him ,and would crumble a month later. Everything. The only constant thing was our marriage, which is his longest relationship. At first, I thought it was because I was such a good wife. By watching KZread videos, I realized I'm a co-dependent. Anywho, due to some legal matters, I can't go full NC. So I blocked him everywhere, only one channel, and I muted that one, so contact is at a minimum. I know myself well to know that once i'm passed this pain, I will get to a point of indifference, and he won't be able to hurt me emotionally anymore, even if we stay in touch. So my question is: What does NC with a BPD ( possible NPD traits as well) do?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

I have too much to write you to do it here - but let me find the time to get you more info - short version, yes, NC does work on BPD in MANY cases

@Ice_Ba

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen I would love to hear more.

@cassandramichelle1839

Жыл бұрын

I could've written this myself. Stay strong!!

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

You both need restoration, healing and salvation in Christ Jesus. That's your answer. I feel for you. He can change if he truly wants it. If not..God will guide you. Stick close to Christ.

Hi @coach ken can i get her back if i was angry and verbally abusive and begging her for about a month after the break up ??

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

people have recovered from unbelievable abuse in relationships BUT you need to get some help and deal with whatever drove the abuse and anger. It's hard to give solid feedback with limited but serious details like you mentioned here. Get somme help for the anger and abuse before anything and that will simultaneously give her the time and space she likely needs to be able to decide what's best for her. Again limited but serious details provided here

If you break up with a borderline because of a crossed boundary but you want them back is no contact a good idea?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Definitely - project resilience and strength - don't expect yourself to feel it all the time - but project it

@dtroitreed9652

Жыл бұрын

Understood. You and Coach Lee quite literally have helped me through the darkest days of my life. Your work is God sent and I appreciate wry much.

I'm 59. We got engaged, 6 or 7, years ago. I moved inwith her, for 8 years. We were in no rush to get married, but, I was starting to wonder when... December, 2023, well, leading up to that, she decided she wasn't where I was marriage/relationship was. I moved out, she sold the house, and she found another place as well. It's been 5 months. I begged early on. Trying to do no contact, and it's hard, because I miss her. After 5 months, though, starting to feel hopeless.

My ex removed me from her IG but she continues to following me , she watched my story after remove me from her IG , should I remove her form my IG , is it good or bad sign?

@sloanmagnum5009

Жыл бұрын

It means nothing. Humans are curious without having any emotional attachment to what they're curious about. You should block her and focus on your self.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Don't remove or react right now - many times they do that to get a reaction or to reinforce the idea that they don't miss you

This is so true, I have been pestering my ex for four weeks. I live in the same street and see her four times a day. I couldn't stop reaching out to her even though I knew it was the worst thing to do. She was almost pleading with her to stop! Only today have I found the will to stop. I have not given up, I have not yet started to fight for my future I hope with her, but if not with me and my five year old son. Onwards and upwards!

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Amen - Stay strong!

@yeti2237

Жыл бұрын

Yea don't pester her bro what's wrong with you

@SoundsSilver

Жыл бұрын

@@yeti2237It's called passionate undying love, maybe you're not capable of it

@yeti2237

Жыл бұрын

@SoundsSilver I'm capable of it. I just have respect for the other person and I try to see things from the other person's perspective. Act like a pest be treated like a pest.

Please people comment and help me. My DA left me a month ago and no contact since. We had an on again, off again relationship which was amazing at times. I miss her like crazy but the time we were together she was always texting another married guy she said was only a friend. I struggled with this because she hid conversation i always thought there is more to it. Even though i still want her back. She left because i was too needy and struggled with her travel as a flight attendant.

The Jennifer Aniston analogy generated atleast 1 like

I was in no contact for 2 and half months when he called me. He found out I was ill. Then he smiled alot when we met passing by. Then he called me on my BD. Didn't want to end the call. Next day found an excuse to visit. Eagerly toched me. I didn't envite him in, it was after 21.30. (Now I'm panicking, that maybe I should have envited him for a tеa or something)Then next time passing by was really smiling again. I smile allways too. But that's it...🤦‍♀️ He is not doing anything else. Should I try something myself? What in that case?.... I'm really devastated now. Maybe I did something wrong. Should have been more eager?.. What do you think?🙏 Unfortunayely, I can't afford a coaching call since my mother died. Allthough I really would like to do that.😔

@ejiroglory7909

Жыл бұрын

You need to allow him show more effort especially if he was the one that ended things. Let him go out of his way to show you he wants you. Follow his pace😊

@elenalimberg7364

Жыл бұрын

@@ejiroglory7909 but hiw do I achieve that?🤦‍♀️ I love him to the moon and back. And more... would do anything for him.

The girl I was seeing not dating. She went back to her X so I don't matter anymore..

NO CONTACT, hurts, but it works

I don't understand how no contact will affect a BPD ex who discarded you, since they are immunized from object constancy.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Many times (not always - but very often) within that lack of object constancy is an emotional dysregulation - this is driven by an anxiety that triggers first an idealization stage that frames you as "too good to be true" or the "person of their dreams" or "soulmate". The idealization period is them seeing you as the idealized person for them causing intensity, extreme adoration, passion, exceptional sense of feeling "connected" or resonating with them like you may not have ever felt before. BUT often when you've been with them long enough to convince them you aren't too good to be true - you aren't planning to walk away - you don't see them as broken or unworthy of you - many times just as your ready to give them the happily ever after they've been telling you they want suddenly the anxiety shifts into starting to question if you are the right one, if they rushed into everything - causing them to magnify issues and potential trouble spots until they split and start to view you as "not the right person for them" or possibly even cause more severe shifts in how they perceive you by vilifying you and framing you as a manipulating person who somehow tricked them into falling for you - BUT just as the anxiety drove them to you and then away from you, the same anxiety that cause the lack of self and broken sense of identity MANY times will swing back in your favor if you can prove yourself to be resilient, confident, capable of moving on and thriving without them - suddenly the interna lack of self and anxiety can trigger them to start asking "what if he was the one?" "what if I just ruined the love of my life" "What if I sabotaged and chased away the best relationship with the best man I've ever known". Can you see the struggle with object constancy AND the anxiety cycle working to in essence feed each other and keep the loop going? I've talked to more BPD people than I can remember and many of them schedule calls with me to help win back the very person they pushed away.

@AmorFati777X

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen That's an in interesting insight with anxietyobject constancy internal push/pull mechanics.. Mine was a short term thing. Almost entirely over the phone, but it was all day every day during those two months. I dont think theres enough history there to support "missing" me in any significant way. I didn't fight plead or beg when she flaked on me. I wanted to, but I absolutely refuse to walk away without my honor and dignity intact. In fact I did everyone else's mistake in reverse. They simp and supplicate and beg and plead. When I got my breakup text I just didn't even respond to it until hours later when my phone started blowing up. I never told her that I would do anything to save us, dadadada. I wanted to, but I'm too old to know there's no point. I didnt fight AT ALL. I'm just understanding that in my position, I've lost this game. The game is done now. Even if I got her back, sooner or later she's out anyway. At least I got to walk away tall, knowing I didn't debase myself in vain. So I just "accepted it" and let her have her way no contest. And she has no idea how much I wanted to plead with her. But I didn't. So I'm sure that is perceived as abandonment too. I was blameless in those two months. It's shocking how every move we make with borderlines ends in checkmate. I appreciate your videos and your high effort analyses.

i'm afraid no contact will make my ex forget me and comfortable without me, he start to talk with the girls after break up

@CoachKen

10 ай бұрын

Normal fear - but the alternative is to beg, plead and chase which are almost always attraction drainers. Fear makes you feel like logic is reliable. Relationships are determined more by attraction, compulsion, fear of loss, idealization, limerence, ego, temptation and hormones. Logic is far less reliable than it seems and it drives people to behave in ways that project desperation more than it spikes attraction.

It's been almost 4 months of no contact and that's fine

He can write a letter and mail it! 🤪😊

As long as I love myself then I can have peace with God

Is it really no contact if my bpd ex said she didn't want to see me ever again?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

definitely is - and you should def do it if she told you that

@nic867

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen yes I do. It is the hardest thing in my whole life. Do you think there is a possibility that she will contact me?

@pmdal

Жыл бұрын

​@@nic867dont wait

After listening this, I realized that I need to win myself back before I start getting into disintegrating soon; after weeks of off and on in pain/agony. Along with off and on healing. Even though, it's easier said than done.

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

Amen! - But you got this!

Hello Coach Ken my old friend... my ex crushed me again

My ex moved out and said she was done. She’s too hurt and can never forgive me, said she didn’t love me. Packed her bags and literally moved 3 floors above me ( same apartment ). She is also my boss at work and it’s so hard just pretending each others presence doesn’t exist. It’s been 5 years, we got married on the first of July but she said it was the worst day of her life. Week later she wanted to leave. But she said she wanted to leave before the wedding anyways and because everytbing was paid for we had to “fake the wedding”. She told me I broke her and she can never forgive me for the way she feels. It’s been a few weeks and I’ve been trying to show her that I love her and I’m fighting for her no matter what. But it seems that she’s moving on and she won’t ever give me a chance again.

@ignazs.5816

11 ай бұрын

Well... You must've done something terribly bad that you're not divulging.

@danilaroche1156

10 ай бұрын

What happened? These things don't occur in a vacuum.

@Korosensei5891

3 ай бұрын

Beggars can't be choosers

I just found you. Great content but I don't think I ever felt good about dumping someone. Never. Maybe its a male ego thing. I'm a woman. I don't have a big ego at all.

@coachken She moved to Norway on 10 days notice. Asked me for 10k and said she'll be back in a few months. Seemed fair to me. After she banked the money she informed me that she may not return and i shouldn't hold false hope. I objected, she didn't want to give me straight answers. Only said she didn't have a plan. I call that betrayal. We've shared 10 great years. Now she's distant in our correspondence and wants me to sell her car so she can buy one in Norway, The car i paid for.. Ive gone NC but she keeps reaching out. Sometimes i respond short and polite. Sometimes not at all. I'll sell þhe car but she's not getting the money. It was her choice, im not bailing her out. Its going to be a long dark, cold Norwegian winter. Enjoy your new bicycle sweetie.

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago, then went back to her, then she broke up with me 4 months ago. I didn’t know anything about NC in my initial breakup. I broke NC multiple times being very desperate and unattractive in the process with the last time being irl. I have been in NC for 6 weeks and only just discovered your channel after my therapist identified that my ex had BPD. She also broke NC when I broke up with her, but to a lesser extent. Have I completely ruined my chances due to my previous attempts of contact?

@rclark7807

Жыл бұрын

Stay strong man. It IS hard at first, but someone with BPD / NPD doesn't give a shit about you, your feelings! It's a hard pill to swallow, but SAVE YOURSELF! Praying for you man. It DOES get better, then good.....then great!! Sincerely, Rick

@kikhazz

Жыл бұрын

Bpd? She doesnt give a flying f about your feelings

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

No - but if you're dealing with a diagnosed BPD it can be a challenge and I don't mean that as a blanket slander to everyone dealing with BPD. It's not a one size explains all kind of thing. Those relationships are normally are even more addictive and deeply emotional than average limerence. Someone suffering from BPD will often come back depending on the details of the situation but don't continue to push, pursue or plead out of fear - Deep breath, reset and do what you can to project resilience and the confidence in yourself to move forward without her - even if inside you're hurting deeply. Don't try to shake it off or pretend you don't hurt. Embrace the fact that you hurt. It isn't evidence of anything to be ashamed of - but don't listen to the pain when it tells you to reach out and keep asking for another chance. That isn't the universe whispering to you that you need to rescue her or prove your love - that's fear.

@rclark7807

Жыл бұрын

@@kikhazz you pretty much summed up MY feelings Mmate! I walked out in front of THAT bus once myself - now I cross the street somewhere else! Right on! 👍

@Epictroll48

Жыл бұрын

I had the same situation , me ex was diagnosed with bpd and stopped taking her meds. She started getting offended by everything and broke up with me. I pleaded, but I noticed after 4 weeks of me going nc she’s like the first one to view all my stories. I’m kind of over her now, but at this point just wanna see if no contact will work for me out of curiosity since I’ve never done it in past relationships

Coach, how long should we go no contact?

@CoachKen

Жыл бұрын

depends on the situation - but I actually see good results going 3 months - varies on the specifics

@sonyaschreiber4759

Жыл бұрын

@@CoachKen he was caught cheating and the next day he was with her again. It’s been 3 months now and I don’t think no contact will work on him cause he’s with a new supply. All I can do is focus on my self and go no contact completely. I recently deactivated my social media and blocked and deleted his number.