If you're finally ready to get your narcissistic dysfunctional family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, sign up for my transformative Road to Self program program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

Shaming was all that my parents did. No nurture, no empathy, no care. Just shaming and ridicule. They should never have had children.

@mariamadsen7071

7 ай бұрын

I hear you, I feel this deeply. Holding you in my heart ❤️ hugs 🤗

@danvswild9534

7 ай бұрын

I know that feel

@ellie698

7 ай бұрын

@@mariamadsen7071 Thank you, sending hugs in return xxx

@Pukeyray

7 ай бұрын

I could go to a parent with a stress level of 3 out of 10 and walk away with a level of 8

@ellie698

7 ай бұрын

@@Pukeyray Yes!!!! Or maybe 11.…... 😱😱😱🤬

Wondering if anyone also has extreme fatigue as a result of dealing with narcissistic family .

@christineb8148

7 ай бұрын

Stress can deplete Vitamin B levels (like b12) which can cause extreme fatigue. Worth getting tested and can be easily treated with b12 injections. [edit to add: I am not suggesting b12 is the fix-all, but it can help with energy to cope with other aspects of life that are causing stress]

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

Most of the people for sure. Endless issues you have to deal with, and no results, improvements or changes whatsoever. It often leads to burnout and clinical depression. An only way to stop it is actually stop it, take to time for a beak and live your own life, whatever it takes.

@monaj33

7 ай бұрын

Yes, anxiety as well, very triggering even weeks or months before having to see them

@mtnriffraff68

7 ай бұрын

@@christineb8148My doctor won’t give me B12 injections, I have asked him and he said he wants to see proof that it works.🤨 I have heard this works well for fatigue. Can you recommend where one can get B12 injections?

@jmcoldcreek2080

7 ай бұрын

Here I am! I get ill (even with fever) weeks before they visit 😅

Back in the day when I had no choice but to endure abusive circumstances, I would walk in the forest, sometimes for hours, every day when the weather permitted. It was one of the best things I've done for myself.

@Joelswinger34

7 ай бұрын

I used to do the same thing! I still find it very soothing

@DailyDose926

7 ай бұрын

Nature is very calming and grounding. It feels like an escape from the everyday stress. It's the only place not disrupted by superficial thing's, electronics, negativity, the hustle and bustle of life. It's the one place you can feel free 😌

@SBecktacular

7 ай бұрын

Me too! But I would drink beer - it was like I was trying everything I could to self soothe but only in a 1/2 healthy way

@emil5884

7 ай бұрын

@@SBecktacular Believe me when I say I've done a lot of unhealthy coping in my days as well. I just wanted to throw out one of the healthy ones for anyone who might find it useful. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

@douglasstone3813

6 ай бұрын

I did that also have vivid memories of those long hours in the shade and protection of the forest.

I'm 57 years old.For 55 of those years I tortured myself trying to understand why my mother was so cold and passive aggressively cruel to me. She couldn't even pretend that she loves me leaving me to feel like I'm unlovable. Since I went no contact and did deep soul searching I know feel a calm and peacefulness and know I am worthy of love. I now know that there was nothing wrong with me , I was just unfortunately born to a woman who could only love herself.

@lambchop6278

7 ай бұрын

I went through something similar. For me, after years of struggle with feeling defective through the eyes of a parent, that affected me in more ways than one, I finally understood that they were just an asshole. All of a sudden I no longer was affected by their nasty jabs at me. This got them angry, even physically violent at one point. But there was no goong back for me: I made the choice to choose my self over a relationship with them- something they forced me to make and that nobody should ever force a "loved one" to make. On top of it being a sham as well, in that no relationship of any value was ever on offer- just the false promise of one, made by my 'father' throwing in being nice every now and again, so as to confuse me and keep me hanging believing it was actually possible to get his love somehow. What an asshole!!!!

@daleg4299

7 ай бұрын

Guess what Stacy: she couldn't really love herself either. You made the right choice. Blessings to you

@bozenapiniecka2180

6 ай бұрын

you made me lol @@lambchop6278

@SkyePhoenix

6 ай бұрын

I can relate to your story. I recently went no contact with my mother (again) and I can honestly say that I'm much happier not dealing with her criticism and negativity.

@earthrooster1969

4 ай бұрын

My exact thought as well. My aging and ailing Narc Mom is the sad example...if she had truly loved herself, she would have found ways to enjoy her golden years ​@@daleg4299

"Effective time management contributes to reducing overwhelm, allowing more opportunities for self-soothing activities." I think that's one of the reasons narcissistic parents try to INTERFERE with our effective time management

@northstar5919

Ай бұрын

Also, they want a child to be controlled and available 24/7 for their needs.

I think you have helped me more than my own therapist, thank you

@jerrywise

7 ай бұрын

You’re very welcome, I’m glad my work is helping you. Thanks for watching

@ally_in_exodus

7 ай бұрын

It’s amazing how the right people/KZreadrs/info can have that effect.

@MrSuperbluesky

7 ай бұрын

Much more!

@nancybartley4610

7 ай бұрын

Isn't it the weirdest thing that we have tried therapist after therapist only to solve nothing. But someone addresses the multiple causes/remedies and we listen and finally begin to understand and move toward some degree of healing or at least coping better.

@nancybartley4610

7 ай бұрын

@@johnboydmills I thought my therapist was bored with me, too. I began to wonder if that reaction was just another sign of the damage I experienced in childhood. Maybe we assume we are not worth someone's interest. My therapist also would yawn and that really did me in. Now I know that isn't fair because there can be many reasons for yawning, but it still made me want to stop going.

Anytime any family member mistreated me and I vocalized it, it was always met with everyone defending the offending family member. That I should just “accept it” that I should “understand”. Plus how they cheated me of any inheritance from my father and still to this day gaslight me even though I present material evidence to the contrary. I’m “mentally ill”. Eff them. Didn’t go to my Mom’s wake, and I don’t deal with my siblings

@mvbigmagic4048

Ай бұрын

I understand. I did not go back for my father's funeral, because my narcissistic mother is freaking scary. It was a good decision. She has not improved. She will only deteriorate further in her abusive behavior, because her main supply is GONE. Matthew 19: 29-30 Even Jesus said, "Let the dead bury the dead." Meaning the soulless...... are the only ones concerned with funerals -- because it deals with inheritance -- materialism -- worldly objects. Choosing to walk away from the family dysfunction is a blessing for future generations.

@BingoMomi

17 күн бұрын

Yep. When I'd tell my parents i was being beaten up, they said I was tattling. When I complained how my sibling was stealing my things, they said to steal his things. And when they would verbally abuse me and i'd say things back, they'd say I was causing trouble.

This might be the most important video for CPTSD sufferers!!

I sucked my thumb until I was five, I've been told by my much older sister. That's not normal either. Perhaps teachers at school told me to stop, or perhaps someone paid attention to me at school, or perhaps I was just away from the drunken sadness when finally in school. God, I loved school so much.

@DailyDose926

7 ай бұрын

My ex would purposely throw away my 2 toddler's binkies. He would tell me I was messing up their teeth and enabling them. They were 2 and 4 year's old. They were subjected daily to ridicule and told they were "too big to be acting like babies". I kept buying more binkies and everything my ex would throw out the binky I would buy another. It was his toxic way of trying to control the narrative..

@deadparrot5953

7 ай бұрын

I sucked my thumb, only at night as a way to help me fall asleep, until I was 8. My mother forced me to quit by putting a sock over my hand and pinning it to the long sleeve of my winter nightgown. I started chewing pens and pen caps after that. Chewed pens until I started smoking in high school.

@bookmouse2719

7 ай бұрын

@@deadparrot5953 I sucked my thumb until about 12 and realized I needed to stop. I use to wet my bed too.

@bookmouse2719

7 ай бұрын

@@deadparrot5953 😢

@bookmouse2719

7 ай бұрын

@@DailyDose926 I wish I could have given the first person I married some kind of a test to see if they were suitable as a husband.

00:00 🧘 Self-soothing is a crucial skill often hindered in children of narcissistic parents, but it's reclaimable through various methods. 02:13 🏃‍♀ Physical activity is vital for self-soothing, aiding in stress release and maintaining overall well-being. 03:07 🛌 Prioritize self-care by ensuring adequate sleep, healthy eating, maintaining routines, and learning the power of saying 'no' when necessary. 05:06 📝 Journaling acts as a self-soothing mechanism, aiding in self-reflection and understanding of one's thoughts and emotions. 05:45 💭 Engage in positive self-talk by challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with rational, positive affirmations. 06:52 🧘‍♂ Meditation and relaxation techniques help calm the body and reduce anxiety and stress, promoting self-soothing. 08:00 🎨 Creative outlets, such as hobbies, writing, music, or other activities, serve as effective means for self-soothing and personal enjoyment. 09:36 ⏰ Effective time management contributes to reducing overwhelm, allowing more opportunities for self-soothing activities. 10:27 🤗 Practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself and focusing on your well-being, learning to love yourself. 11:09 🧘‍♀ Becoming a neutral observer in distressing situations can aid in self-soothing by detaching from toxic anxiety or negativity. 11:51 🛡 Acknowledge the distinction between oneself and others to reduce stress, stating "I am not them, and they are not me." 12:30 🗣 Use techniques to talk oneself down during emotional distress, engaging in activities that redirect focus and calm the mind.

@kathsmith4749

7 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for time stamping and giving a little description ❤

@danvswild9534

7 ай бұрын

Thanks

@wileyann9449

7 ай бұрын

Thank you!

@BloomingBriars

7 ай бұрын

Thank you so much, hearing it is good but reading it is like it is stamped into my brain and I can remember it easier.😀

@agriffin5308

Ай бұрын

❤ thanks❤

Thank you, Jerry! I can't help but think the narcissist confrontation leads to habitual "sneaking around", development of bad habits, as well as shutting down good habits, refraining from exploiting talents. When you're young, naive, malleable/vulnerable, it's hard to question what the narcissist is doing, but looking back I really wish I'd pushed back harder. I knew our mother was wrong and harmful, but still gave her too much respect. She didn't deserve it.

@DailyDose926

7 ай бұрын

I respected my mother out of fear. She was abusive and I felt weak and unable to stand up to her. She was also freakishly strong, a rugged Tom boy/farmer type. She was also a skilled wrestler. I literally feared for my life every time she abused me. I was afraid to speak up to adults about her because I worried they wouldn't believe me, worried they'd tell her what I said and then I'd be forced to face the consequences. Some of us know our mother's didn't deserve respect but we gave it in order to survive another day.

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

Yep

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

​@@DailyDose926yep

I sucked my thumb until I was sixteen years old. I think that says a lot about me having to comfort myself because of having two narc parents.

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

Millions of people keep sucking cigarettes all life long for the same reason. At least you did not poison yourself.

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

​@@aammssaammdang

So true … carbohydrates are self soothing to so many - myself included - addictions to substances unhealthy relationships filled the void for years … great video

@nancybartley4610

7 ай бұрын

I love my carbs!!

@FreedomAboveAll4

7 ай бұрын

Yes, they are my only "cure" now and only addiction left in life.

@anonymousprivate6814

7 ай бұрын

Yes! I have just literally created a healthy food plan, mindful of carbs as I was listening to this. I am aware of this child/teenager screaming out inside of me in relation to abuse/neglect and absorbing parents that didn't know how to love themselves and also probably on the autistic spectrum, trying to raise two autistic children, one , very obvious, the other (myself) not so obvious at first. It was a nightmare. So grateful for content like this. I am almost 50.

@manuellaarbeit5481

7 ай бұрын

@@SunlightSeaBlueSky I gained so much weight and almost developped bulimia. I almost began smoking, drinking and self-harming.

@SkyePhoenix

6 ай бұрын

​@LiveFreeAndFearless I feel you. I've always had issues with food. I was a chubby kid because I learned early on how to use food to self soothe. Of course, I got picked on because of my weight... at home and at school, which only made me want to eat more. My mother liked to tell me when and how much to eat. She liked to tell me: "You've had enough." When I was 13, I put myself on a diet, lost a lot of weight and became anorexic. My mother took me to see my pediatrician after seeing me in a bikini at my lowest weight. The doctor told me to gain weight or he'd put me in a hospital and they'd feed me through a tube in my arm. I was unaffected by this threat, but I was afraid of what my dad would do if I didn't comply... so I did as I was told, like the "good girl" and gained some weight. There was no talk therapy, no support... Just: EAT Simple, right? I yo yo dieted throughout my twenties and thirties... and for most of my forties. Now, in my late 50's post menopause, and I'm fat. I really don't care. I love my food. It's always been there for me and it changes how I feel. I sound like an addict... because I am, in a way.

A tip on getting support that I had to learn. When you spend time with people, invest in other people first, then keep investing in those who invest back. In other words, don't share what you're going through if not asked, outside of basic positivity or glossed over negativity (unless it's an emergency of course!). If asked, only give surface level details unless you already know the person invests in you well. Most people will not invest back, but they are not healthy people for you. If no one invests back, expand your circle to another group. You will eventually find at least one person who will invest back. I know it's easy to want everyone to care and who wants to put on a face? But there are too many lazy victims out there, so unfortunately we have to. Think of it as the climb before an amazing mountain view. It's hard, but you will get there. Also, hosting or joining groups for your hobbies is a great place to start! Just understand a lack of consistency in showing up may just mean busy lives and their own self soothing, not a lack of care.

My narcissist mother to this day (I am 59) still tries to shame me and make me feel guilty. I had a very close personal friend die unexpectedly. She showed me zero empathy for my loss. Yet she likes to say "I love you with all of my heart".

When i listen this i know how i never loved and taking care of myself 😮 Now i learning how to, step by step.

I love bookstores too

If I took a deep breath to naturally calm down, I would be barked at that I was 'huffing'.

You were so helpful in this video. Big thank you 🙏 because Christmas is a difficult time when having to deal with a narc parent and their enablers.

@DailyDose926

7 ай бұрын

If you're an adult you don't need to keep subjecting yourself to anyone, even a parent. If you're a minor that's different but as adults we have the power to remove anyone we choose from our life. Family isn't defined by blood. It's defined by love, loyalty and mutual respect. A Holiday isn't a good enough reason to expose ourselves to a toxic person. If we chose to do this then we need to question our own toxic patterns in our behavior that is causing us to keep ourselves stuck in a toxic cycle.

@2twentysix

7 ай бұрын

Thank you @@DailyDose926

Thank you Jerry. Its crazy that I made it to 34 years old without these skills. I wrote each one down and I'm googleing each one individually. Lol I don't know what self care looks like. But I'm learning

@FreedomAboveAll4

7 ай бұрын

You are not the only one, better now than never. 🧡

forgive others even if they are not sorry & forgive yourself for not having the tools to prevent getting stomped on...now you are wiser🎉

@Joelswinger34

7 ай бұрын

Nobody should be pressured to forgive. It is not warranted, nor is it necessary for healing.

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

@@Joelswinger34 Forgiveness is a crucial step for ourselves, not for others. Forgiveness means giving up the desire to get revanche and pay back. This desire destroys us and our life. It's much more useful to use this energy and time to build our own happy life. If you learn to forgive, you can also forgive yourself and give yourself much more chances. Nobody forces you to forget though for your own safety.

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

@@FreedomAboveAll4 Path to forgiveness of yourself lies via forgiveness of others. Forgiveness is easy: you just need to make a a decision to waste no time and energy on hate and paying back, and use them for taking care of your primary needs and your own well-being.

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

@@FreedomAboveAll4 But you've made it here. You've survived, which means your choices were right. Otherwise you wouldn't survive. Can you keep in mind that whenever you do something, you pick the best choice you have at that moment? The older you get, the more experience you gain, the better choice you make. Please always help yourself by giving yourself another chance and never punish yourself. Act like a very generous granny who would always support you.

@l.5832

5 ай бұрын

@@aammssaamm I hope you realize not wanting revenge is distinct from forgiveness. Same with hate. My sister was abusive and cruel. She stole my inheritance and she has not apologized nor does she believe she did anything wrong. Do I wish vengeance on her? NO! I feel very sad about what she did and the choice she made but I do not forgive her because she is not sorry. I do not wish ill on her. But we can no longer have a relationship under the current situation. Forgiveness restores a relationship as though the sin had not been committed (God's forgiveness restores our relationship to him) but it is contingent of repentance. When there is no repentance the relationship is broken. It's not the unforgiveness that broke it, it is the lack of repentance. You don't need to hate them or want vengeance on them. Give it to God to deal with.

I drank from a baby bottle until about age 5, as a way of self soothing, as well as constantly chewing gum and chewing on bones, especially after my mother went off on me . For whatever reason, these tactics brought me comfort

I have cats and fish tanks. I plan nice meals, I do the laundry and clean the apartment. I bought a cleaning robot that helps me. I have lots of house plants to take care of, my kids all grew up. I am an introvert person. I pray all the time.

One thing that hit me while watching this video is that I cannot fathom the idea of my mom journaling. If I really try, I can imagine her venting about how unfair and painful life is, but legitimate self reflection journaling....I can't imagine it. I don't know if she is capable of reaching that level anymore.

Can you make a video about how to work with allergy to intimacy? I value your opinion so much and I struggle to find advice on this subject other than "you will become more comfortable with intimacy over time as you experience intimate relationships." But for me, its very hard even flirting with others. I'm a dismissive avoidant on healing road.

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

Ya I know what you mean. When* Someone is nice to me, I assume the worst

Thank you so much Mr Wise, you’re true to your last name ,thank you🙏🏼

Thank you so much for these self-soothing techniques! I never learned them.❤

My favorite "simple math problem" is to just start doubling from 1 and see how far I get. It starts simple (1, 2, 4, 8, 16...) works up in complexity (2048, 4096, 8192, 16384...) and it's somewhat relevant to my career in IT, as that's how maximum possible values increase as you add bits.

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

That sounds relaxing. I couldn't go very far😂😂😂😂 I'm impressed

Thank you so much for providing these videos. They are extremely helpful. 🙏

Thank you Jerry for the lesson on How to calm down. I saw your video, “Calmness is everything.” Like boundaries, many people say “do it” without explaining How. Noise frys my nervous system. So does conflict or being exposed to someone else’s high reactivity. I need to go offline, from everything, to let my nervous system reset. It takes a while. I find it soothing to lie under a weighted blanket. To me it feels like a calming hand on me. Jerry your content over the years has taught me and helped me immensely. I’m not sick, I was born into a sick intergenerational organization full of members who are blind, deaf, and dumb that they are sick (dysfunctional). I recently learned their communication style (gaslighting, invalidation, undermining) is sick and a manipulation tactic, and I was raised to believe that was normal. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.

I really appreciate you, I’m happy I found your channel. I’m going to be 50 years old in the next couple years and I had to develop these tools on my own. In my own way, I have used all of those techniques. It’s so nice to have it laid out in an understandable way. I enjoy who I am, and have explored a lot of topics over the years, I consider myself a thinker and someone natural at psychology but somehow, of course my own condition has eluded me. I’m finally making breakthroughs in acknowledging my inherited narcissism. I know that my family setting growing up was completely dysfunctional, there were good qualities, but until now have I really pegged the type of dysfunction and uncovered how its affected my life and my behavior. This is great knowledge to have especially earlier in life!

@anonymousprivate6814

7 ай бұрын

Same here. Am 50 next year and glad I found this knowledge now. I am also late diagnosed autistic. I wish you well in life. Greetings from UK. :)

Jerry, i somehow stumbled into your videos through the algorithm and probably my search history. Im waking up to the realization thay I have been in nothing but narcissistic relationships and I'm questioning whether its me that is a narc. Your video on scapegoats mentioned some things that cut through so much mental noise that it became abundantly clear that, even though I may be, my ex is too and is not realizing.

@nancybartley4610

7 ай бұрын

We all have narcissistic traits. The thing is that we were raised in ways that are known for creating narcissism and so we are right to consider just how narcissistic we may be. I wonder if you realize that there is a big difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and being narcissistic? If not, it may help you to answer your concerns about your behavior.

Since the abuse started right at birth, up until high-school/college I genuinely thought it was really freaky type weird that other people cared about how they felt. That just didn't make any sense to me, still doesn't fully sink in

I had an old grey flannel blanket, and my narc female parent took it away. I didn't even think to ask why. She was a hoarder, so I found it years later in the basement.

Thank you. I'm hoping this helps. Until I saw the title, it had never occurred to me that this was anything other than a personal problem unique to me. I have tremendous anger issues and the bane of my life has been that I don't know how to let it go. Exercise, for instance, will usually drive me into a rage, for its seeming pointlessness. Whereas hard work does not trouble me, unless I'm doing it for myself, but it also doesn't help abate anger. I routinely get hurt by the misunderstandings of others, seemingly as if they have not got the imagination to include my feelings or values, and all the frustration, tolerance, patience, and forgiveness make me very angry, very often, and I have no releases or resolutions. Setting boundaries isn't viable, because i cannot lower my expectations of others low enough to include most people without feeling contempt and disgust. It forces me to face what I endured, over and over, and never put it behind me, and forces me to recognize how comparatively easily others have lived. Injustice. Anger.

I sucked my thumb until i was in 5th grade!!

I don't know why, but this made me cry. In a good self soothing way. Thank you

@jerrywise

5 ай бұрын

You're welcome 😊

A lot of my hobbies became other focused and now I realized that I'm living to be happy and not prove my self worth to anyone. I was seeking love through them. I realized it's for me to love myself and live my life for me.

These are golden nuggets of survival and a brand new life.

Thank you Jerry! I really work on emotional regulation right now. I was never taught.

I clicked on this video so fast that I think my finger got screen burn. 😂 how to cope was one of the missing pieces I felt was never taught.

I've not thought about this for years, but my parent burnt my soothing blanket in front of me when I was a kid, in a bid to make me grow up. Wow. As a parent myself now, this is actually a really sickening thought. Just wow.

@l.5832

5 ай бұрын

I had a small flannel pillow that I had used since I was a baby. As I grew older I put it on top of a regular pillow. I liked the warmth and texture of it because I got chronic ear infections. One day I came home from school and found out my mother had thrown out the pillow. Actually dismantled it before discarding so not like I could just pull it out of the trash. I learned then that nothing was really 'mine'.

Horse cart problem. Not funny but I just imagine the picture😂. Thank you. Must laugh💜

Excellent video! thank you! 🙏

resonates, much appreciated as always Jerry.

Always some good tips 🙏

Beautiful ❤ thank you 😊

God bless you Jerry ❤

Thank you.

Thank you, Jerry. These are great suggestions and I appreciate your understanding about how we may not have been taught about self-soothing as children but we can learn now.

Yeah these are actually helpful. I'm doing most of them already.

This is one of your best video! Thank you! :)

I needed this I’ve been searching for self soothing didn’t realize it was rooted in my trauma

very nice & interesting list, thanks Jerry

Thanks Jerry ❤

Thank you Jerry.Merry Christman ❤

Thank you, Jerry. Excellent suggestions and some reminders of how to self-soothe.

Thank you Jerry, always such great advice for me to practice.

@jerrywise

7 ай бұрын

Glad it was helpful! thanks for watching

Thank you for this wonderful message.God bless you ❤

Thank you

Thank you, this is such a helpful topic!

@jerrywise

7 ай бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

Thank you so much. This is an excellent video. I am a KZread psychology junkie. And this is so simple, practical, down to earth many many thanks❤

Great video as always. I had a lot of creative outlets/hobbies when I was younger, but as I got older those parts of me were very discreetly weaponized by the family. I was made to believe that the value of the creative outlets in my life was directly determined by 1. how much my art pleased other people, 2. how much they validated the artistic interests of other family members and 3. how I would be able to turn my art into a financially stable career. When I wasn't making art, nobody really liked me. This pressure to create personal value based on my art caused me to spiral into perfectionism which ultimately killed my love for art, and it's been about 15 years since I've actually enjoyed art making. Fortunately I've found passion in new things for the first time in over 15 years, and it feels great. It just sucks that my parents will always view me as some kind of sunk cost for investing so much time and money into getting me into an art-based career, something I never actually wanted.

@DailyDose926

7 ай бұрын

My experience with art involved my mother sabotaging my free scholarship to an art school when I was a senior in highschool. I had told her weeks in advance about having to meet with the school to discuss my scholarship and fill out the student enrollment paperwork to RISD(Rhode Island School Of Design). On the day of my meeting my mother gave me an attitude after I reminded her and asked her if she could still drive me to the school. She told me she wasn't going to bring me to my meeting. I went and asked my grandmother for a ride and she told me no and suggested I take the city bus. I had never ridden on a bus, so I didn't know what to do.. I asked my mother for cab money and she told me no.. She pointed out how I had a job and how I should manage my money better.. It's true,, I did have a job but I had just gotten through paying my mother $1,000 for her old car, payed for my prom dress, shoes, salon, pics, limo, plus paid for my bridesaid dress, shoes, additional salon appointment, wedding gift, etc.. I was just a kid but I was treated like a hated roomate and an inconvenience.. I was flat broke, couldn't even afford a bus ticket.. I looked up the address to the school on my mom's computer and I started walking. The school was 3 hours away walking and it involved me having to walk on the highway at some points. I walked for almost 2 hours and then I realized I had forgotten my personal identification information. I started to cry out of frustration.. I sat down on the side of the highway. A state trooper pulled up and asked if I was ok. I explained my circumstances.He offered to give me a ride to the school but he wanted to call my mother first to make sure she knew where I was. I told me to forget about the school and asked if he could just bring me back home? The state trooper called my mom but no one answered the phone. He gave me a water bottle, tissues and a ride back home. When he pulled up to the house my mother was outside gardening. The cop spoke to her about how I had been found on the side of the highway. My mother acted shocked, like she didn't know I had even left.. She apologized to the cop and thanked him for bringing me home. Before the cop left he asked me to go over to his cruiser for a minute. He gave me his personal business card and told me if I ever needed help to contact the number on the card. He asked if I was ok before he left. My mom was glaring over at me from behind the cop. I told the cop I was ok. When he left she told me to get my a** in the house and told me I was grounded for a month for embaressing her.. When I went in the house I hurried to call the school and I asked if it was possible to reschedule my meeting. They told me no, said it was a now or never deal.. I apologized for any inconvenience then went upstairs to my room and cried myself to sleep.. After my mother sabotaged my art scholarship I hated anything to do with art. I even somehow lost my ability to be artistic. It's like my brain blocked out the entire part of the memory, which included my artistic abilities. 20 year's have gone by. It's only recently that I decided to give art another chance. I've been sculpting. At first I struggled with my art. I felt like a toddler trying to create art. But it feels like a muscle that needs to be exercised. The more I express myself with my sculpting the better I'm becoming. I'm sorry for the long rant. I just wanted to share my experiences with my lack of interest in art. I hope someday you return back to your art. I hope you're able to find joy in it and make it about expressing yourself vs pleasing other's. Art is peaceful, it's also an extension of ourselves. I hope when the time is right you find your way back to art 💝

@DSS712

7 ай бұрын

​@@DailyDose926 well, shit. I want to say your family let you down, but it would be an insult to you to use the term "family" to describe who these people are to you. Thank goodness for that police officer...he gave you solid evidence that there is good in the world and that your personhood isn't "the problem." For me that person was the therapist I met in my early twenties. Having someone validate the reality of your dysfunctional family is the key that opens the door to a better life.

Thank you Jerry for these self soothing tips.All of them will be a great help for me. Watching your videos self sooth me too.

Thank you so much ! Very useful strategies ! Especially I liked: radical acceptance of others not wellbeing (without immediately trying to rescue them :) !), but all of them are helpful and wise 🙂

Thank you Jerry. Excellent tips.

I respectfully disagree on the developmental self soothing. From what I have learned and in my own experience. From infant to several years of age kids sooth by co-regulation. That means they need the parent to pick up the child for a sense of protection, give a meaningful gaze of eye contact, show mirroring of there emotion physically and verbally “wow, that was scary huh?”, show them in your calm demeanor, that they are ok and wait for them to go through that emotion. Shushing them,telling them not to cry, telling them that’s not scary, denying their current state of emotions, instead of guiding them through it is gaslighting them. Building a very insecure subconscious. Children that suck their thumb, have no real guidance, so they use the only things available to them that regulates them or soothes them.

@jerrywise

7 ай бұрын

I would agree with you. However, I do see co-regulation and self-soothing as developing at the same time. Thank you for watching.

@shipratrika2586

7 ай бұрын

Co-regulation is the way children learn to soothe themselves.

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

​@@shipratrika2586bingo

Thank you so much! Ut's great that you put them all together like that

Thanks!

Thank You Jerry, this is so useful to me now, i needed some “procedures” infos!✨✨✨✨✨

Thank you ❤ so important

@jerrywise

2 ай бұрын

You're so welcome!❤️

This video was lovely, and so useful. Easy to follow, encouraging and non threatening. Such a pleasant find. Thank you🌺

@jerrywise

7 ай бұрын

You are so welcome! Welcome to the community

Excellent self soothing tips thanks Jerry, especially hobbies, creativity, journalling and neutral observation. Combined, l find exploring new interests, writing up personal insights and reflecting from afar as outsider really helps.

@jerrywise

7 ай бұрын

Glad you enjoyed it

Tnx for this

Thank you, Mr. Wise 🙏🏼

@jerrywise

21 күн бұрын

Welcome!

@JenniferKBrown

10 күн бұрын

@@jerrywise ☺

Much appreciated GREAT info I especially appreciated the mantra. I am not them. They are not me and try to do a math problem that is relatively simple as a way to restabilize. I have not heard of either of those before. Very very helpful. Thank you thank you

Guys, I had 4 sessions with an online trauma therapist past month. Jerry Wise covers everything she mentioned, and more. Jerry Wise really is the BEST.

Always good stuff...I am still not on board with the "radical acceptance." Maybe I need to radically accept that.. I do hear it from you and others so it is a "thing." I have been sick for the past month.. I probably have/had Covid and I really need to hear this message.. There are parts of me that are still dealing with that sickness but I am allowing other parts to express themselves.. One example would be that I have been playing my guitar again..

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

Sounds like you need to wear sandals & get a lot of sunlight in the early morning. I love radical acceptance bc it allows others to be stupid without me needing to get involved. Being sick is awful. Have you made yourself 🍲?

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

🎸♾️

From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA Thanks again

I will need to watch this video some times, because it makes me remember and think a lot so I get distracted and I do not catch all it said in it.

I used to suck my thumb as a child, usually when my parents weren’t really paying attention to me, but my mum always kept telling me I was too big to do that, whenever she did notice. I guess I did learn to control it eventually - I remember feeling shocked during my early thirties when I found myself regularly waking up in the morning with my thumb in my mouth.

wow - i was stressed in utero because i came out the womb sucking my thumb. and YES i remember being shamed for it by an uncle!

Great suggestions except for the math problem. Maybe I could try congugating a verb instead.

Lol, my reaction to tense situations or the rages or the whatever was to immediately disassociate. Literally the opposite of mindfulness. Or I would just hide for ages in my room to avoid my mother, blocking my ears so I couldn't listen to the screaming.

Great ideas. I noticed once a new mom that saw her baby with his thumb in his mouth and she slapped it away. The look on his face. I didn’t know what to make of that.

I'm listening this channel also to learn better English. I like it but to me sad the therapist I don't should say "don't" for the unconscious mind. Better say "I am me and they are they".

In my case gym is the best therapy. I honestly think it saved my life. I see also big bennefits in being present and mindfull but for some reason this is much harder for me.

I have Trichotillomania... they caused it. It's the only thing that calms me down. When we lost our dog in 2021... it got way worse. I'm in a bad spell right now. Have battled it on and off for 39 years...

@2okaycola

7 ай бұрын

Maybe it's time for a puppy

@BloomingBriars

7 ай бұрын

I got a puppy a year and half ago and it has been a blessing.

I wish these things helped me. Unfortunately, it tends to be the same list of self help strategies, over and over again, regardless of where you look. Journaling since I was 8. Exercise, routine, hobbies, etc etc all feel like tiny band-aids to me even though I do them. That's why I finally moved on to meds. They are the only thing that had some real impact, for me.

Since you mentioned deep breathing, I highly recommend breathwork, but please be careful to find a trauma informed approach.

How do you turn on the switch... when it comes to thinking about my future & what i want... my brain will not allow me to. I find a way to avoid it, its like im not allowed to think about my future. It is by far my biggest struggle

Very helpful information!

I really have a high problem accepting help from anyone if I get the chance or access to that, how do I clear up the guilt cause I feel like I have to pay anyone who helps me back(just realised from my actions trying to go meet individuals with same interests who I asked help from )

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

Someone helps you, you'll help another person, that person will help someone else. This is how help works. By accepting a help you help that person to "pay" for the help he/she received from someone else. Besides, you can always mention that you have a difficulty with accepting help and ask if you would need to do anything in return. This way it'll be clear for both sides. Never hesitate to ask and clarify.

Thank you very much ❤

2:30 oh

Wisdom

Wow

What are the differences between the presentation of someone who has had their "self soothing switch" shut off, and someone with increased sensory input/some form of sensory DO? In an individual, can this be one of those chicken egg things, if they present with both?

❤