Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with the ‘'Road to Self’ program. Join here>> program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

@SunshineGrove04

4 ай бұрын

I wish I could afford your program but I’m drowning in debt.. and little help.. yet my cocaine domestically violent brother can get all the help in the world..

I just walked away from the dysfunctional "family" who raised me. It wasn't easy, but I had to do it

@singstreetcar5881

4 ай бұрын

Congratulations. Did they chase u? Did they send uncles and aunties to beg u to come back?

@TheMrsMills

4 ай бұрын

@singstreetcar5881 they tried the classic guilt trip BS. And no they didn't chase me or send anyone after me. Am I not allowed to comment that I actually did something good for myself?!

@gking407

4 ай бұрын

@@TheMrsMillsyou might be used to people attacking you, but I think we’re just looking for answers and inspiration from those like you who did help themselves. You’re to be admired for your strength and courage moving on from narcissists who held you back!

@whereisyourhumanity7557

4 ай бұрын

No need to get upset at the question. Can it be safe for us to ask, how did you get free? What obstacles might happen? We have problems, too. @@TheMrsMills

@singstreetcar5881

4 ай бұрын

@@TheMrsMills when did I say u weren't allowed to comment? Smh

A big thing for me was actually realizing my family dynamic was not normal and to learn to regulate my nervous system on my own and move on.

@MJ-qb5ph

Ай бұрын

That is massive - it is a huge deal

@tomsaint-leger8822

Ай бұрын

100% this

Destroy your motivation , dreams, joy.

They will try slow you down so you dont surpass them in experience in life house, car, etc

@Emefur1

3 ай бұрын

Yeah. My mother literally hates me having even any new clothes or handbags! Though she had plenty more than me!

@carolwaller9605

2 ай бұрын

@@Emefur1the “is that new?” question that makes you feel you need to justify by saying ‘no, you were with me when I bought it two years ago’.. obviously wasn’t paying attention at the time but managing to make you feel guilty in the event you ‘do’ decide to buy something new, almost as if you have to justify why you need to buy something new.. hmmm, I work full time so why should I feel the need to justify spending money on anything?

@Lady420Ganja

17 күн бұрын

Dude!!! Even my therapist was all “im glad you can actually see that” theyre sad individuals

It's a comfort to know I'm not "crazy" but I still can't believe how rampant and widespread these scenarios are...

@amarbyrd2520

4 ай бұрын

Worse yet -- as rampant and widespread as they are, people still treat the scenarios as ABNORMAL and treat YOU like you're "the crazy one"

@ceeceethatsme9769

4 ай бұрын

@@amarbyrd2520 That's just the people who've never had experience with them, and can't believe this type of behavior exists...

The narcisist creates a system where everyone must play their part. I removed myself as scapegoat. Watching from afar to see who fills the void.

My Narc Father inlaw bought a house in a different state for my wife's brother and his family to live in under the guise of helping them out. Narc Dad raised the rent on them any time he didn't get what he wanted, he setup the basment as his own room for 'when he visits', and he visited anytime he wanted because it was his house. Needless to say my brother in-laws marriage ended, he moved back in with his narc dad and stepmom and hasn't had a job in over 2 years. He's 39 years old

@godzillamanstreb524

4 ай бұрын

That is so sad…..very similar situation happened to my husband’s golden child brother….narc MIL sabotaged his marriage from day 1….after 2 kids & 4 yrs they divorced & he moved back in w/mommy….that was in ‘03…..he’s 62 now & she’s 86

@Dr.Dark78

4 ай бұрын

​@godzillamanstreb524 My wife's brother is the golden child as well. It is sad because our brother inlaws will never have their own lives.. their own identities. The only thing we can do is keep our distance and continue to live peaceful lives.

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

Wow what a nightmare, sabotaged right from the start, steer clear they busy themselves trying to fix us but it's a dirty way of destroying us!

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

​@@godzillamanstreb524they're my age, I'm 63 and mom's in a nursing home with dementia at 85, she tried to get me to live with her, nothing doing, total downgrade! I didn't get married to get divorced, mine's a tamed tyrant and I'm sitting pretty, she alone now how is that successful? She wore her hate for her family like a badge, I love giving my adult kids and their partners money, no strings attached!

@lisapayne7498

4 ай бұрын

They are destroyers! ❤️‍🩹

I cut my family off several months ago. Surprisingly, this initiated continual healing on many levels! Somehow, in letting go of my parents, it freed my mind in ways I never imagined. It makes change much easier

@FreedomAboveAll4

4 ай бұрын

Glad you are healing, you are from lucky ones and it's rare. Be proud on yourself and keep going.

@RealLadi228

3 ай бұрын

Life begins with blessings beyond measure 🎉❤

@gigicolada

3 ай бұрын

Yes it does! I’ve gone NC temporarily to heal and wow my progress skyrocketed when I did.

@sugarpuddin

3 ай бұрын

@@gigicolada I pray you remain strong. There is a lot of hoovering and taking calls from flying monkey's since I went NC. What helps me the most is listening to at least one relevant Narc lecture on YT a day. The real surprise is how many unexpected improvements are happening since I went totally NC for good. I see things differently; can find balance more quickly. And that sense of nebulous anxiety that floated over my head is all but completely gone. To be sure, there is no cure for malignant narcissism. They are unable to love you. They have both physical and emotional changes to their brain. Part of the disease causes them to suck the life out of the world like a black hole star. Malignant narcissists are exceedingly dangerous owing to sociopathy, the need to suck the life out of others; compensatory mechanisms that are detrimental to all around them; the fact they rewrite reality to suit their fantasy; and sadism. The universe has rewarded me with new people in my life that love me like family. Of course I had to leave the USA to find loving peoples. That's a whole other issue.... In fact, I don't personally think any one can fully heal while remaining in the USA. Blessings from Nature Island

That Charlie Brown example with the football was so profound for me. I just realized last week that my parents will just keep moving the goalposts and there’s nothing else I can do. My parents have also used money to control me in different ways all my adult life. I just finally went completely no contact a couple days ago and I’m so grateful I found your channel. It’s one of the most helpful channels I’ve seen. Thank you for what you do!!

@eurokay4755

4 ай бұрын

It's extremely powerful once you understand and incorporate the knowledge that every.single.overture. from them is a calculated "move" on their mental chessboard. You want to believe they're thinking of you, wanting to help, and being kind, because a) that's what you would do, in their shoes, and b) everything in you wants to believe they're loving parents who want to unconditionally support you. Nothing wrong with you, but you'll be much better off accepting that they are incapable of seeing you as anything other than an object for them to manipulate. It makes them feel good to give you money so they can hold it over your head, control your choices, and also probably complain/"joke" to the rest of the family, your siblings, and their friends about your neediness, etc. Try declining the "gift" just once and notice how they react. A truly benevolent giver will only want you to know that they're there if you need them. A narcissist will tell you how much you need the gift, how crazy you are to decline it, how sorry you'll be, etc., etc. In my case, the words sounded very sweet, but this was still basically the message: "You just don't understand how much you need us" because the gift was never about you. The gift is their power play, the string they use to keep you dancing to their tune. Your refusal is terrifying to them. Not you. They don't give a toss about you and will drop you like a bad habit once they lose even a bit of control. Not knowing your situation, it may sound callous to suggest refusing a monetary gift. I don't mean it to be, and understand many people are especially vulnerable at times in their lives. But if/when you are ever able to decline the gift, be sure to pay close attention to how they react.

@RubyDooby-xh4lj

4 ай бұрын

@@eurokay4755everything you said is spot on. I figured out that they’re “gifts” are only about control a while back and haven’t accepted a penny from them in years. Everyone thinks I’m crazy and ungrateful but I know better. I thought once money was removed from the equation that I might be able to maintain some form of a relationship but I have finally realized that there will always be some type of power move from them. I’m done driving myself crazy for them. I’m 43 and I finally like myself and deserve to live my own life. Thank you for your kind support!

If you have grown up with Narcissistic Parents, like I did then you do not know what it is like to be loved. They may be presenting themselves as the normal people. Making out that you are the odd one, that something is wrong with YOU. It can be extremely confusing. If you admit you feel confused then they will probably tell you YOU are crazy, rather than admitting their crazy behaviour is confusing.

@nancyadams9228

3 ай бұрын

As a child, I struggled to get a grasp on reality, because they were always back biting each other in front of me. It is a wonder I survived.

@redefinedliving5974

3 ай бұрын

my whole life for the first 27 yrs!!!

I cut ties with my parents at 40. Some years later, they still call on my birthday, wanting to know what's wrong and why I abandoned them and how much they want me back in their life and how sorry they are for whatever it was they did. So much I remember, but so much I've managed to forget. When I was 12, having spent the past 12 years under her narcissism, I was foolish enough to ask her if I was pretty, like every other prepubescent girl wonders. She looked at me and said: "well, you have classic looks." She couldn't just tell me I was beautiful and spared my ego and my self esteem. Since then, I have had a number of people tell me that I am drop dead gorgeous, but it's still difficult for me to believe it.

@FreedomAboveAll4

4 ай бұрын

"Whats wrong". That question is funny and tragic at same time. Don't bite their bait, if you can, aviod their calls and nonsense questions. I am trying to do that with my father. Birthdays and holidays are always excuse and reaaon for them to contact you agin and trigger you.

@devinsmallwick4208

4 ай бұрын

@@thebrianchannel9890yes re read. The point is we have received many compliments from others but never from our actually mothers, family, siblings.

@redefinedliving5974

3 ай бұрын

@@thebrianchannel9890 you sound like your self esteem needs improving

@RealLadi228

3 ай бұрын

I've been told I'm extremely uncomfortable with compliments 😭

@jenniferbloh-michael8662

Ай бұрын

Omg , my ex mil recounted this exact scenario to me about my daughter. SAME THING😉 Just tell her she's beautiful . What's wrong with you ? 🤷 (is what I thought)

I am so proud of my husband for detaching from his mother. He has gone low contact and if his boundaries aren’t respected, he will go no contact. You have helped so much, Jerry. You have helped me let go of the pain I have experienced the last 25 years watching him be mistreated and used/manipulated. I finally understand/accept that there is nothing that can be done to change her or make her love him. Thank you.

Yes the money, I never ask yet they are always offering. They don’t get it that I don’t need them for that, all I need is their love and acceptance. They go crazy at Xmas, birthdays etc. I am sick and tired of never getting to pick out my own stuff. Everything from clothes, kitchen stuff, sheets Etc. I hate everything my mom picks out yet I am made to feel rude and ungracious if I mention this. Oh I guess I’m gonna like everything green Now, or whatever it may be. I’m now 68 years old I am so over the gifts with strings attached. Leave me alone! I just moved to another state just To get away from them haven’t allowed my mom to buy me anything for my other house, I don’t want to live in another home decorated by my mother. I was afraid I might be dead before that happened.

@o.p.4254

4 ай бұрын

Make a promise to yourself to not accept another ugly item from your mother. If you think it’s ugly or not your style, then it’s ugly. Let her put that stuff in her house. Pick out things that you like and enjoy. I’m sure you have great taste. 😊 Enjoy the new state that you moved to and your new life.

@larryl2398

4 ай бұрын

My dad does this with me. He'll pick out something at a garage sale he thinks I can use but have no use for. If I refuse then I'm the bad guy. I don't know if it's better to politely refuse the gift or accept it and just take it to the Goodwill.

@jmvwegnerpriest

4 ай бұрын

@@larryl2398 My mum too. Mountains of food we don’t like, weird house items anything from shower curtains to kitchen scrubs and endless slippers like Birkenstock style. No matter how many times we’ve explained over decades that we don’t want these things, it never stops. I take it straight to donation these days.

@larryl2398

4 ай бұрын

@@jmvwegnerpriest Birkenstocks are expensive, aren't they ? Last I checked almost $150 a pair

@jmvwegnerpriest

3 ай бұрын

@@larryl2398 yep. They are very generous with money, but there is a strange force behind their gifting, like saying “this is not my thing” is just not an option. I can’t understand it, we have an 8 year old and I just can’t imagine not caring what he is or isn’t into.

Everytime I try to finish my college degree my narc dad gets mad at me for not calling enough. When I do call he intentionally talks about stressful things I've asked him not to and demeans me. It's like clockwork. He's got a lot of money and his life plan has always been to keep me dependent so he can complain about me and treat me like a servant. So he's my friend and supports me everytime I'm working paycheck to paycheck. He won't stop asking when I'll finally graduate and make my kids proud. (His words). And he hardly cares to speak to me. As soon as I enroll in classes the phone calls ramp up to nearly everyday. And then when I tell him to back off - boom he's mad and I'm a bad daughter. I fell for it for nearly 10 years I've been trying, but now I'm on to him! I am totally disconnecting from that hamster wheel and he's on his own.

@jmvwegnerpriest

4 ай бұрын

My mum found a solution to me asking her not to talk about certain stressful things that seem inappropriate to me, like her talking badly about family members. She just puts the words:”I know you don’t want me to talk about so and so, but…”. And then just carries on as usual. 😂 I think you’re on to something that they try to keep you dependant, just so they can talk badly about you. At least I’ve observed that with my parents. They do absolutely everything for my brother and then complain how he’s not really got the skills of an adult. So I try to point out that they never taught us any life skills, and my dad said: “Nah, it’s genetic, look how different you are.” But I’ve been raised in boarding schools since 10 years old, where they very much gave me chores and responsibilities. He still doesn’t believe my brother’s lack of adult skills has anything to do with their infantilizing him. I do.

@gigicolada

3 ай бұрын

They do it to keep you sucked into their inner worlds. My mom is very similar and having my child made her ramp up the neediness. We deserve the time and space to succeed for ourselves.

@c4real69

2 ай бұрын

Yup right there w ya ! My father tried doing the same things or similar . I have since loudly and clearly expressed my NEW boundaries and gave him back HIS own torch to carry .

"free" 4 years still healing roughly 7 and counting. I never want to hear from any of them again. Sister, neice nephew etc. they are all infected.

mom had "emergencies" if I had a Promotion& made sure I will get DEMOTED.

When I wanted to go away to college to study Psychology, my mother begged, "Don't leave me." My father raged at my choice in majors. "How could you do this to me?" I am the youngest of three and the family scapegoat. My siblings were both off living their lives. They always had. They still have no clue how lucky they were to escape. All fight and "selfishness" had long been physically beaten/ neglected out of me. So, I stayed and floundered at a nearby college trying to figure out a major that would be acceptable. Everything that interested me, outraged him. I stood as a buffer for 10 long, abusive years at home before finally moving out. He sobered up before I allowed myself some independence. When Dad passed, my mother needed me. Not my siblings. Me. So, I became her full-time caregiver when my kids were still in preschool. I have raised them along with raising her. She is my most needy child.

@whereisyourhumanity7557

4 ай бұрын

I grasp your hand, dear.

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

Seeing what my life would be like without a degree I put myself through college at 25, got a student loan and never bothered showing any family member my degree because they're not interested, not my problem I'm proud of me far from proud of them come to think of it, my kids chose what they wanted, of course, I simply made sure it would be free for them, done!

@jackilynpyzocha662

4 ай бұрын

I am the eldest of three, and the scapegoat! I understand the pain that comes with the jibes. I have no contact with my narc dad, for my own emotional health. He's a jerk!

@ellensunden2778

4 ай бұрын

Wow. The same thing happened to me. My brother went off to start his own business and live his life to the fullest in another state. Meanwhile, I'm still trapped with two mentally, emotionally, physically and financially needy and abusive parents. I feel for you...

@a.b.2850

4 ай бұрын

Your mother is horribly manipulative, didn’t protect you and sabotaged your relationship with your siblings and probably your dad too. Why you do all this for her? Your job is to take care of your kids. Period. Your mom brings her toxicity everywhere she goes, and your children are exposed to this.

Thank you. I have to keep saying to myself 'detach, detach, detach'. Its working 😀🎉🙏

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

Awesome, I'm at the point where I just think more bothersome persons I had to deal with regardless of how closely related we are!

So powerful! Thank you! My narc mom called me ugly all my life in addition to physical abuse. I will say 'so what' to all the bad memories.

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

Mine did that to me at 57, she was 77and when I wouldn't bite she shoved me around, eventually she got put in detox and the authorities called me asking for my side, guy said "And you shoved back..." Huh? No I put her drunken majesty to bed! Was I supposed to get her in a head lock or something? Actually her shoving me around put her back out and she went to the front room wiggling on the floor! That was Xmas Eve yrs back, visiting 2 provinces over at her urgent request, I survived the night, my flight out the next day, you're very strong, she wouldn't have called my siblings either, no contact all around!

@FreedomAboveAll4

4 ай бұрын

My narc mother comparing me with celebrities and telling me "look how pretty she is, look how famous she is, why can't you be like her".

@ceeceethatsme9769

4 ай бұрын

​@@FreedomAboveAll4...They say the dumbest things🙄.😂...

@jmvwegnerpriest

3 ай бұрын

@@FreedomAboveAll4 yuck! Sorry that happened to you!❤‍🩹

Jerry, you clearly understand this kind of abuse! Every time I watch one of your videos I feel validated. I really wish there was an underground group that helped us escape these situations. These narcs are so skilled at controlling us and keeping us stuck in their homes. God I pray for a miracle and a way out.

“Please, I just want us to stop fighting” “let’s just have a nice time” “I want us to get along” “can’t we just have fun?” I’d like that too but it’s always a lie 😒

Inner boundary. Detachment. Validate oneself, stop needing their approval. No reaction to the shaming statements. Learning, not always getting it correct.

This entire video pretty much described my family's dynamics😂

@infinitycosmos4723

4 ай бұрын

💯💯💯💯💯

You're brilliant. Mom recently told me that it’s heartbreaking for her to reflect on my life and all the suffering I’ve been through. That my life has been a tragedy. She’s so sad for the effects that my seizure medication (I have epilepsy) has had on my brain. (My seizures are totally controlled and my meds have not caused me brain damage). She says that its a shame I have wasted my life and I’ve suffered from failure after failure. And it's all under the mask of pity and concern. Makes me furious. I am NOT a failure. I am NOT crazy. I do NOT resent my father. I AM a well adjusted person. I am NOT brain damaged. I know I have to make what she says not matter. It just so hurtful. And she’s trying to convince me it’s true. It’s so toxic and gross. I feel powerless and trapped. I’m damned if I stay and I’m damned if I go. I just want to be free of her. I want her to let me go.

@missbearlockholmes

4 ай бұрын

She's not going to let you go. It's not in her nature. You just have to leave.

@jmvwegnerpriest

3 ай бұрын

❤‍🩹

@jmvwegnerpriest

3 ай бұрын

I am sorry it must feel horrible. My dad likes to talk similar depressing stuff, he brings up bad behaviours of mine from childhood which I don’t even remember as I seem to have blocked most of my unhappy childhood out. I cannot understand why he would do that, apart from an addiction to drama and sad stories. My life is pretty beautiful now, with a lovely husband, a wonderful happy kid living our dream on a hobby farm. I’ve achieved my dreams, but he prefers to tell sad stories. Like you say it is gross, they must be so unhappy in themselves they just can’t help it. Love and courage to you💝.

@rupinderh01

3 ай бұрын

she is projecting (dumping) her shame onto you, so she doesnt have to feel her own shame. You can reseach about this is what narcssists do. Dont believe it.

@mariadinn4441

3 ай бұрын

@@rupinderh01 You are absolutely right. It really has sunk in for me and I no longer take the bate. It took me years to get here, but I made it! It is such a relief and I wish everyone visiting these videos comes to this epiphany as well.

During covid I stupidly arranged a family catch up online. My Dad joined with the help of golden sister. Not realising everyone could hear him he said, "What's she done to her hair?" I had made an effort to style it slightly differently. Just cruel.

@rubberbiscuit99

3 ай бұрын

Cruel, yes. And typically, something superficial they could easily latch onto and groom us to be sensitive about, the parasites. You are not stupid. Not at all.

@cathlaurs9754

3 ай бұрын

Don't fall for it - on some level he knew, or suspected, or hoped that his words were audible. Please don't fall for it - I did for decades. My life with my mother in it was one of death by a thousand cuts - I wanted her love so badly that I made excuses for the hurt she caused me - made myself believe that the cuts were not deliberate. Notice how by him using the word "she" he bonded himself with your sister but alienated you. Notice how you felt....hurt, shocked, deflated, humiliated, alone, embarrassed? Did you have any positive feelings on hearing those words? No, of course you didn't. Don't fall for it like I did - what a waste of your precious life and well being if you do.

@rupinderh01

3 ай бұрын

good advice!@@cathlaurs9754

I'v had mine out for 30 years, including one that died, but still cant get them out of my head. Esp the ones with a background in child/adolescent psychology. Eviction from life is easy. Eviction from the head is hard.

@thelordcommander5

4 ай бұрын

❤️

@flowerpetal6193

4 ай бұрын

Well said

Backhanded compliments

Mine are clean freaks with dirty tactics!

@noklarok

4 ай бұрын

haha

@c4real69

2 ай бұрын

Yup.....all imagining ! But once you see the forest for the trees and the vail is lifted there's no going back .

I left my toxic family and a couple of years later the police turned up and sighted me as a missing person,my thoughts were wow they must have realised how horrific they were to me and they miss me, what a shit storm I invited back into my life by returning to the only family I knew shit I didn't expect it to worsen but again I lied to myself it was a to get me in to their world only to disregard me again but including all relatives so this time I walked away and don't think about them because I'm enjoying life too much now I'm in charge and I'm in control of all aspects of my life to the point of awesomeness 😊

I stopped contact to the minimum long ago, even though, the scapegoat situation and gaslighting never stopped. He is old sick and slowly dying he still talking with anger. I don't feel anger or hate anymore, just a little bit sorrow he had the chance to change many times and never did. Yes, I stopped long ago trying to change him, I realized he won't. Always grateful for your teachings and information. May those searching healing may find it soon.

@jmvwegnerpriest

3 ай бұрын

I just recently lost hope (at 46) that my parents would ever have any insight into their own behaviours, and how they affect everyone around them. It’s just not meant to be, maybe in their next lifetime 😁. Love and courage to you❤‍🩹.

@rupinderh01

3 ай бұрын

having insight into their behaviuors or therapy means narcissts facing that internal void of shame they have, and most of them are not willing to do that, they would rather just carrying on getting external validation byb any means possible to avoid feeling that void@@jmvwegnerpriest

I appreciate you so much Jerry. I've learned that detachment takes a lot of COURAGE and the guilt that comes when you try to escape from the enmeshment of your mother/family. Most children who come from dysfunctional families are raised to be dependent on their parents. Having been the scapegoat from early age as well as being raised to be enmeshed with my mother, I educated myself on co-dependency and learning from guys like Jerry. I became a people pleaser for over 40 years and was ran by guilt (thanks mom). Now I am FREE due to understanding what happened to me. Thanks so much.

I’ve had dear friends repeat the mantra “but their family” I say the same thing each time. “Not every family is a loving family.” That pretty well ends the argument.

Through others

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

Yes this can be a common tactic

@mt72137

4 ай бұрын

Story of my life

Thank you Jerry. I just want my freedom and peace which i never had.

Always exciting to see a new video from you! Thank you for the consistent and frequent uploads!

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

I'm glad you are finding my videos helpful, thank you for following and watching!

Great observations from Gerry Wise: Not to do the societal-based, cultural-based enmeshment. When we are enmeshing we are getting lured away from having a Self. Over functioning, people-pleasing, future-faking. If someone has to win my loyalty that way, I’m giving up some of my self to do that.

You have left my jaw on the ground again. My mother has been blaming/shaming me my whole life. After my sister overdosed and she tried to coverup the facts of her death, I wouldn't help her. She disinherited me immediately and stopped talking to me. I begged and begged to the point of threatening suicide. Not a word from her for more than 2 years except for her attorneys removing me from the family trust. My therapist has been helping me let go. Then two weeks ago out of the blue, my teenage son came into my room beside himself with excitement. "Grandma wants to meet you for coffee!". She used my son to deliver her passive aggressive message. I told her no, and it worked out JUST the way she planned. He got angry with me. "You'v e been crying since aunt lynn died, wanting Grandma to talk to you!". I hate that I want her to want me. But she doesn't. She resents me for an endless list of reasons. And you hit the nose on the head with the backhanded compliments. As I approached 40, she said "Well aren't you pretty! You know, be careful of becoming used to being pretty. Soon enough you won't turn men's heads anymore and you'd better have something else to hang your hat on." Like my career in tech isn't substantial enough. I learned unconditional love from my service dog.

When I have tour booking connections for my music career, I will be moving out to a western US state. I told my parents that my brother wont be allowed to visit because of how he treats me. He is very two faced and narcissistic and is only nice to my parents because they pay for everything of his. My dad totally understands my decision because he has witnessed how insane my brother gets and will just target me and my possessions. My mom, on the other hand, who is also a narcissist, gave me the "I just wish we could all be together" and never showed any sympathy for my point of view in all of this...Which I find disturbing because she let her parents around me well knowing the abuse my mom lived under while growing up. Its very sad to me that my mom cant accept that my brother is bad for my mental health and overall well being. She just wants the picture perfect family though those only exist in movies and TV shows.

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

So sorry your mother cannot see beyond her fantasies. Thanks for watching

@eurokay4755

4 ай бұрын

This is my mother, too. I was the scapegoat, the one who cannot be trusted or believed, because I finally said out loud that I wasn't going to use my vacation leave to spend time with a sibling who abused me in every way imaginable while growing up and continues to exhibit overt contempt for me and my family, as Mom does behind closed doors, too. The release was instant: they "forgot" to mention the family vacation, etc. after that. It's all good.

@jonvia

4 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing! Yeah it just seems like its a lot better to just cut contact when I can instead of doing what society wants of a "good family member" which is total BS to begin with. If your family is abusive, dont force yourself around them. I cant believe thats a value in society...shows how messed up society's norms really are@@eurokay4755

@kristahackleylmt2064

2 ай бұрын

I can relate. My sister tried ruining my hospice experience with my dad last month.. right in front of my mom. Mom didn't stand up for me or herself. My dad's gone now and the karma is going to hit my family hard. At 49yrs old.. I'm done with my abusive family. I want nothing from them but their silence and distance. Narcissits have now proven to me that even at someone's death bed, their shenanigans will continue forever. Ick. I'm embarrassed and disgusted by my family and their behavior. Jealous, insecure people will never live a good life.. no matter how much inheritance and life insurance they receive. I'm headed to the ocean where I feel my best and life makes more sense. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories! We are all helping each other so much! I'm forever grateful to channels like this! Thank you Jerry Wise! 🙏

My mother uses money. I have a chronic illness. This is my current journey, to get more independent and accepting of my circumstances, feeling more and more free re. my feelings and life.

@TheREALLibertyOrDeath

3 ай бұрын

I hope you are ok. My wife has severe psoriatic arthritis and I fear it’s from the stress from my parents narcissistic abuse

Jerry you make me laugh! The phrase “who cares” and “so what” are golden. I am popping that in the armoury!

You didn't get too much into the money part, but this is what keeps me bonded with my family. Ever since I was little I was taught that every single interaction has to be transactional. My parents were also transactional to me. In this economy I don't think I will ever be fully capable to sustain myself financially. My parents bought me an apartment and even though I try to detach myself from them because a 20 second phone call takes me back a month in my recovery process, I can't. They always bring the fact up that I should be grateful that they gave me a headstart vin life, that because of them I can have a chance at the adult life in the real way. I know that by fully detaching from them I will have to give them every single thing they gave me, but I am too weak. They truly gave me a headstart in life, but at what cost? At the cost of me feeling awful with myself every singlle day of my life?

@Anne_Rosevelt

3 ай бұрын

I can relate. My narc father and narc stepmother only know how to show love through money. They paid off my student loans and I didn’t even ask them to do it. I was thankful to them, but I knew it had strings attached. Sure enough, I stood up to them for something, and they immediately weaponized a financial gift, demanding that I pay it back. They now say that I’ll never see another dime from them. I’ve been NC with them since 2022.

@mariag5201

3 ай бұрын

If they gave you money it's because they wanted but money shouldn't be a tool for controlling others otherwise you are their hostage. It's better to be an orphan than a hostage

@shadowsun4055

Ай бұрын

Exact thing happened to me. She gave me an apartment to live alon, what I didn't know is that she would use this to control me and try to delete my real self which she hates... Now she started charging the full rent like I'm not her son and this drained me of all my savings, now I feel stuck to her... If I had enough money I would go no contact instantly.

What should the scapegoat child do if the parents are going around telling people the child has mental illness which is a lie

@joey5816

4 ай бұрын

I was always told it's you, nobody is crazy but you. In reality I'm the only one who is normal. I was the scapegoat too. I finally went no contact and I am doing great without the nutty bunch!

@sarahw7616

4 ай бұрын

Nothing besides walk away

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

Check out my free videos on you tube on being a scapegoat

@abbasjoy4785

4 ай бұрын

Ignore them. Let them talk. Live in another state

@nadineelizabeth195

4 ай бұрын

Wow. My mother did this and she's not even a narcissist like my father just has tenancies she was telling everyone I have anxiety and depression when there was an issue as if i was the issue 'because i have anxiety and depression' even though i don't and never did I'm just smart af and see through peoples bullshit

My narcissistic father lived to be 101. He depended on his 3 children and 2 step children for help. Even with everyone helping him, if he really enjoyed something, he would comment that he now loved you even more. Once you have caught on to them, it goes in one ear and out the other.

@DawnGreen-wn4hr

4 ай бұрын

They live forever!

Can you discuss how growing up with abusive Narcissists as parents who force us to parent them begets growing up disassociated from our feelings? Then we have kids and don’t want to do the same to them and give them our undivided attention and every thing we are capable of emotionally but because we are disassociated from ourselves we’ve now raised entitled and narcissistic kids and we have ZERO tools and still have no support from parents, siblings and kids so we’re still muted and isolated.

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

Don't be so hard on yourself, that you're aware, that you care is mikesxahead of the game, my kids were spoiled too, kept them good and safe, my daughter (27) also of the entitled generation, they don't know what having it hard is and'll prob do them good, be kind to yourself, it is a way of taking care of them by taking care of yourself, don't let them make you crazy, you're done ✔!

@gobigirl1

4 ай бұрын

I think you raise a really interesting point-- growing up, we were trained to de-self ourselves, disconnect from our own desires, and sort of to "orbit" around other self-centered people. I think we need to do our best to connect with some healthier people and pursue our own goals, despite the conditioning.

@amberinthemist7912

4 ай бұрын

Please get therapy. You can't give your children your undivided attention while disassociated from your childhood trauma. That's basically what toxic parenting is. I know it's hard but it will be so much better for your relationship with your adult kids if you can acknowledge the reality of your parenting. Maybe they are narcissistic or maybe they've had to pull away from you out of self preservation.

@amberinthemist7912

4 ай бұрын

​@joseenoel8093 a perfect example of toxic parenting philosophy.

Your'e so right. Remember people. If you have a parent like this, they really need you more than you need them. They'll never apologize and don't have the need. Remember, too, they don't own you. I was relieved when my adopted mother passed. I see now that she was just her brothers puppet. For their resources. If you feel like inadequate, they are being that way for a possible swindling reason They may be doing something really bad behind your back. This behavior is Not normal.

This can cause depression, it can cause a serious mental health problems.. before healing... what can you do if your family is important and a lot of siblings and cousins... also grieving I won't see my nephews or nieces and that they're all brainwashed already... this is so sad... 😅

my narc mother has started making excuses by saying that she just wants to follow Jesus. I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that. I just keep my mouth shut.

@thelordcommander5

4 ай бұрын

Ah, the good ole' religion promise/excuse🥕😂

@joseenoel8093

4 ай бұрын

Grey rocking, best tasting rock around, find a church ⛪ with daytime prayers and send her on her way! Yes mine read at church, other ones all church married (no me, justice of the peace) bunch of hypocrites!

@FreedomAboveAll4

4 ай бұрын

@@thelordcommander5 Exactly.

@amarbyrd2520

4 ай бұрын

"I just keep my mouth shut" -- this is the way

@koolbeans8292

4 ай бұрын

There are lots of Born again Christians aka Recovering Narcs.

Wow…just peeled back another layer of the onion.

So incredible. Thank you so much Jerry. I’ve gone no contact for most of my life, but still working on emotionally detaching :) Perhaps I keep myself stuck by continuing to have hope. I’m realizing that many Christian teachings have kept Me enmeshed and that is scary.

0:00 🧠 Expertise: Jerry Wise, with 45 years of experience, discusses dysfunctional families and detachment from narcissistic parents. 1:18 💔 Dirty Tactics: Narcissistic parents use various manipulative tactics to prevent detachment, including financial control, conditional love, and manipulation. 3:37 🔄 Trauma Bonding: Narcissistic parents create trauma bonds through chronic criticism, love bombing, and intermittent reinforcement. 5:00 🎭 Unrealistic Beliefs: Children of dysfunctional families often believe the impossible about their narcissistic parents and doubt obvious negative behaviors. 7:04 ⚔ Detachment Techniques: To detach from narcissistic parents, focus on personal boundaries, reducing reactivity, and staying out of their emotional process. 11:17 🛡 Stay on Your Side: Jerry advises focusing on personal growth and detaching from societal expectations of family dynamics.

@FreedomAboveAll4

4 ай бұрын

Thank you ❤

Jerry, when I realized this after 2 decades of behavior, I am a 27 year old man who has been very lost and did not know it, till now. That natural, intuitive way to express myself to my parents and attempting reconciliation through conversation had a lot of emotion and I believe rightfully so. Standing there and and dialoging and discussing, paying explicit intention to my word choice, tone, and volume, and trying to communicate in a very gentle, nuanced, and calm way has not worked, and in no way embodies my actual feelings of anger, rage, and dissapointment. That is "walking on egg shells" behavior. They have ignored and discounted what I have said before on account of how I said it. I can't get reconciliation from them in either way and I don't think there is any other way than to let them go.

@user-kz7dh5tv7j

4 ай бұрын

Pray help me Jesus he will guide you❤

@nw7538

3 ай бұрын

DD , not much in the way of consolation here, sorry. It's good you made attempts but that's I think all they can be, don't recall any reconciliation successes in the comments Good you are aware, the information just wasn't out there when you were born and I was your age. It helps to understand the dynamics but is a place you can be stuck in too. I hear you and you are right. The people who you really want to validate your feelings will never, they are broken beyond repair. You have been badly injured by them many times but are not broken. I wish you peace. Lost you feel, anger, rage , disappointment, again rightly so but you have landed in a place where you are seen and respected and that will help. Your parents will disorientate and disregulate you. Your final sentence suggests you know the direction you have to take. It's a tough road too but there's a lot more travelling than you alone. Not a good thing of course but better than thinking you are alone with these problems. I hope that helps and that you have the support of those that truly care for you. Love

@rupinderh01

3 ай бұрын

their brains are unfortunatlely wired to not feel shame at all costs no matter who they are speaking to, it is them in survival mode and they cant out of it, it is their electrical wiring of their neurons in their brain and how they were developed in childhood. They will do anything to not feel that shame and to not feel that void, and get attention by external validation. It is best to protect and fully lovr your inner child and you.

Now that I’m a mom I can see how saying, “no one will ever love you like I do” can be damaging to your child. I get it. A mother’s love is immense. Telling your children about that kind of love seems pointless since they are… well, children. They can’t understand it nor should they just yet. I feel like hearing that repeated my whole life messed my views up a little. I treated most relationships like nothing. I was an absent friend and girlfriend a lot, while at the same time feeling like a burden and that they secretly hated me anyway. It was preemptive rejection at its finest and I’m ashamed I fell into that mindset. I know she didn’t mean harm by it, but her smothering love didn’t do me any favors.

We (my spouse and I) were relocating and buying land recently. This was about the time I started figuring her out. We wanted to buy the land with cash so we needed to liquidate. She basically almost forced me (I did not ask) to take $20k from her. At the time I had no idea her motive. Now I know it was leverage. Since the purchase of the land I have come to understand just how evil she has been all my life and still is. She was giving me a silent treatment at the first of the year because I called her out on her behavior. I took that 3 week opportunity to go no contact. I have not responded to her very few attempts at contact and she cannot bring herself to text and ask because she knows. She’s bothered my sister and my daughter about me but I don’t know who else. I have prepared for her to lash out and lie (just like she already has lied) about the money and I’m ok with that. I know the truth and I know I’m a good person. Sorry for others who deal with these people. They are life ruiners.

My FIL made a big deal of letting me know he's gonna give my daughter 10k for her birthday. I thanked him but that's not gonna curry favor. I have them blocked, their visits are super short and i greyrock them while they are here. They have to know i don't like them and they're trying to get the rubber band to snap back into place. We uave strong boundaries and they still try and test them. Narc parents are so tragic.

@shihtzuluvrtwo6386

4 ай бұрын

They never give up, believe me. After 43 years the mil is still at it.

@cassien7585

4 ай бұрын

​@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 smh. Instead of just doing better and evolving, they choose manipulation. It's so pathetic

Jerry, so clear and spot on! It's always helpful to get that piece of comparison, how a normal person would behave... since we sometimes don't know other relational dynamics apart from abuse.

How do they train us to care so much in our early years?!!!!

Money as an inheritance what a prize, my narcissist mother charged me rent for a corner of a room and the cost that I could have rented a full on apartment (I just didn't know it) plus I paid for a storage unit as she didn't want my stuff in her house. So most of my income was spent on rents then when I'd buy groceries, she would eat my food but charge me when I had to use hers because she ate mine. It was worse than just this but I was left with no money so I was left with homelessness or the abuse.

Fantastic video. You have a way of pointing out the dysfunction that makes sense.

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

Glad you think so!

I really dont like the term NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) because the word disorder gives the impression this is a mental condition that can be cured with therapy/counseling. Narcissism is not mental condition, its a personality trait. Its like if you get invited to a cocktail party and everyone there is stuck up and uppity and treats you like youre a lesser being, would telling them they have narcissism disorder and should all seek therapy help the situation? No, you would get laughed and asked to leave.

The final straw and the final confirmation of all that I suspected, was when my parents mentioned cutting me from their Will, after I didnt help them move house, on principle of how my mother asked me, like an evil Witch who tried to intimidate me to help (I was 47 years old).

Priceless knowledge, seriously cuts straight to points I haven't heard anyone else make OR even thought of myself at all. You got the knowledge mannnn

Jerry, I can simply just always agree with everything you say. Thank you for putting this truth out there!

@jerrywise

26 күн бұрын

You bet!😃

11:14 stay on your side of the net: stay calmer ,build inner boundaries of detachment, 'so what? and your point is? who cares? i don't care' YOU think i'm stupid. Who cares? I mean how does that change the world?' I don't care if you think i'm stupid. What's for lunch?' You will use that phrase to try to get me to stay enmeshed with you, cos now I'm going to be upset. If I can upset you, I can capture you and enmesh with you. Stay out of their inner dialogue and their inner emotional process. For many, a bad relationship is better than none at all due to their abandonment fears, or they have a hope for change.

Thank you!❤

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

You're welcome 😊

Thank you so much again.❤

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

You are so welcome!

When my mom says "I love you!" I resorted to saying "Ok." I learned the automatic response, "I love you too!" Is me One: saying I believe you live me which I don't. And two, keeps me hoping for love in this relationship. By saying ok. I'm saying, I hear you and I keep it moving. IF I love her (which I'm not sure about) I will show her rather than tell her. I'm not sure if the "love" is trauma bond or just because I committed to taking care of her 17 years ago when she got a treatable but not curable form of cancer. Also, before I learned what I was dealing with.

Perfect summary of what narc parents do and our (potential) reaction to them …THANK YOU Jerry! ❤ 😊

I don’t think my mom is a narcissist as much as she has a lot of narcissistic tendencies? Because she does a lot of the behaviors and tactics like this but she can also step back from that and kind of see where she’s being hurtful or ridiculous? It still sucks and she’s definitely messed me up my whole life but she does give love and there are genuine moments there where nothing is expected. The more I recognize the abusive behavior the more I can stop it and take note before it impacts me like it used to. I love Jerry’s videos.

@amberinthemist7912

4 ай бұрын

Sounds like bpd or covert narc. Both are very damaging even though they are sorry. I'm glad you've found ways to protect yourself. If it's bpd she has a good chance at recovery if she gets help but they're often resistant.

This has shown me new possibilities thanks

painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.

I just packed up my son, two puppies and what could fit in my SUV 🚙 and we left Maryland and came back to my hometown of Dallas. The last straw was when my mother took my car keys and I asked for them back, she lied got in my face and said looked me dead in my eyes and told me “I’ll Fn KILL YOU! I got a house with them 10 years ago because we took in my brothers two kids, so I wanted my son to be raised with family. When they went to signed the lease they talked me into not going (I was 23 at the time) they kept my name off the lease so anytime they were mad at me or I wouldn’t give them more money they would kick me out. They would even go lie and get a restraining order against me and said that I hit them. When in reality my mom could kill me. They are much bigger and stronger and vicious than I could even comprehend being. So I was destabilized every time I came close to getting back on my feet. They made sure my ex saw me through their lense so he ended up feeling the same way and our relationship ended. This past week was it. It was abrupt and painful because I have a life in Maryland that I built and friends. I left my job and told them same day as I was leaving. This is no joke they will destroy your life. My mother is as even trying to turn my son against me and in some ways has lowered his confidence in me. But not much because he sees how consistent I am and I love home dearly. She even told him as I was trying to leave “your mother doesn’t care about you” and gave me the dupers delight smile when he turned his back and went back to his room. To make matters worse, she took my photo album my grandfather who I’m not in connection with any more because if her stealing from him years ago, she took it out my room and lied and said she didn’t have it. Then in my other photo album she took my favorite pictures out of it with pictures of me and my aunt that was murdered back in 2001, she said my dad was closer to her then I was so they’re his pictures. I was crying begging her to give me them back, she was recording me being so upset and laughing in my face. It was heart breaking. I’m in Dallas and I’m safe and in a peaceful environment and around old friends. This stuff is real. Thanks JW for helping us see this more clear. We aren’t crazy but they try to make us that way.

Wonderful! Thanks❤

Always great videos. Thanks Jerry.

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

Thanks for watching!

A parent dragging a new husband or wife in for you to also "abandon". A relative buying an expensive gift to check up on you. I'm grateful this channel has brought me a lot of clarity.

Fantastic. Thank you, Dr. Wise.

@jerrywise

22 күн бұрын

You're most welcome!

Thank you so much for making these videos.

Always gems for the world from Jerry!❤

Thank you, Jerry

Another amazing video your videos have helped me soooo much!! Thank u!!

Thank you so much.

Great video! Good example of belief and disbelief!

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

Glad you liked it!

You are so good! Thank you, thank you! Your talks are helping me so much!

@jerrywise

2 ай бұрын

You are so welcome!

@jerrywise

2 ай бұрын

program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

Great video i can relate with this trying to find other creative people like me local or otherwise well known but my family doesn’t want to hear me out nor believe me when I do so I keep it to myself bc I told them but they keep bringing up my past and what I do wrong so they have me doubting myself of me meeting creative people online toxic family members are a pain

I think over time inner boundaries require the understanding that responses must be like a business deal. Unemotional.

My "MoMster" decided that all the Misery's from my CHILDHOOD should be the fate of my elder years by naming my GC brother the executor of my "$pecial Needs" inheritance. Currently I'm rebuking my Famdamnly role as the Scapegoat. Blessed to slip away from the CULT structure 21 MONTHS so far. Social distancing is a piece of cake for us ScApegoats in Generational Narcissism FAMILY homes.

@Jesusisking235

4 ай бұрын

I cannot tell you the FREEDOM of escaping the role of the scapegoat. I've learned that the greatest weapon used to keep us in line for decades has been making us feel GUILTY. No more guilty feelings and the freedom is pure joy.

My narc parents were so bloody stupid they thought the constant threat of violence keeps you enmeshed , From as young as I can remember threats of 'I'll break you in half' , 'I'll smash you' , ' I'll kick your teeth down your throat ' , 'break your skull' etc etc. - you know just the usual loving parent sayings . When my mother was dying I was expected to care for her . To avoid the inevitable verbal abuse , I declined .

@jessicaabbott10

4 ай бұрын

My grandma was like that. She was a gang leader and incredibly violent, it was like her eyes went black. A lot of it carried over into my mom, too, and she would make similar comments.

@jmvwegnerpriest

3 ай бұрын

❤‍🩹

@vickischoenwald7922

2 ай бұрын

❤

Hi Jerry! Thanks for your videos, my mom is Irish, Happy St. Patrick's Day to you!

@jerrywise

4 ай бұрын

Same to you!

I think the United States promotes narcissism. Also, I believe G_D is going to "pull the plug" on the United States over this, for rewarding narcissism.

@dakoderii4221

4 ай бұрын

No wrath but judgement is here. The eclipse will pass over a dozen towns named Nineveh and one named Jonah. The last chapter of Jonah reminds me of the US. Just like Nineveh and Assyria, the inhabitants of the US don't know their right hand from their left hand. I was taught to do wrong or else God will hate me because "honor thy father and mother". Several generations have been "raised" like this ever since the sex, drugs, rock-n-roll thing exploded. God has great grace and mercy and will not destroy a generation for their parent's deeds. The deception really goes all the way back to 1871. So there has been many deceived generations, compounding the effect on the next. Narcissism is pride in the Bible. It is a very effective weapon against people. The evil ones know how to wield the power of sin and death. TV and social media allowed for an explosion of mental manipulation. The soul(mind, will, emotions) is what they are after to create different groups to fight each other and they come in afterwards to be the "peacemakers" and consolidate power over those groups. Rinse, repeat. All this craziness is to wake people out of their slumber. Whatever can be shook will be shaken loose. The lies are coming unraveled. By truth and mercy, iniquity is purged. Is this the end or the last time before the end? Prophecy is cyclic. What has been is that which shall be.

@FreedomAboveAll4

4 ай бұрын

True, you can see in culture, religion, movies, fashion... Other counties do that to very very much, but US have biggest impact on the rest of the world through media, agree with you 💯

@luctuosaluctuosa5360

4 ай бұрын

@@FreedomAboveAll4 Exactly.

@jacquelinefroehle3583

4 ай бұрын

Exactly....American society is extremely over the top narcissist, Sociopathic....do not obey laws that benefit every one. And even psychopathic....cruel and cold hearts.

@mightytaiger3000

4 ай бұрын

lol what

You hit every nail on the head! Do you know my narcissistic parental figure? I am so fat! My BMI is normal. My hair dye is ugly. I don’t dye, but have cancer hair and am very sensitive. She is evil, yet sad.

Dziękujemy.

Start running the software of a narcicist !!!

We keep trying and come back for more because we are forgiving and because we actually know some Normal love and give it and continue to be the bigger person in every situation because then we are “just as bad” if we don’t take the high road. But it’s ok to have your Limits!

You get it!!

I want allowed to leave the house.my mom took all my earned money. I left the house att the age of 18. She sended the police after me.wenn that didnt work she said I have no doughter anymore. Even my safe account was empty. I did not go back. The rest of my life was hell. She died last year at the age of 91. Im free now att the age of 68. It always was, whats yours is mine

you really do know what they are like.

Forget the dirty parents the Adult kids need help… They have serious issues…👁 Why because as much as Parents try to help and Protect there children the Media and peer pressure makes them obnoxious unkind uncaring…and narcissistic…😂

I'm watching this video after Easter. My parents had already passed away, but these dates remain an issue for me. I went to an aunt's house and once again I dealt with this type of things. But as you mentioned in the video, staying at home alone on those days also ends up being a distressing option for people like us and I ended up going. I'm loving the videos on your channel and this is one of the ones I'll need to watch frequently.

@jerrywise

3 ай бұрын

Thank you ❤️

8:10 …… YES!!!!! I watched that happen in my family all the time. I watched my narcissistic grandma (mom’s side) do that with my mom and her kids, and then my mom repeated it with me and my sisters.

Stockholm syndrome.