If you're finally ready to get your narcissistic dysfunctional family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

@suusje004

7 ай бұрын

I agree and your not alone

@igormendoncacanga2569

7 ай бұрын

Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Jerry Wise. I am using three of your videos as methodological ways to work with my therapist. Wish me good luck sir. Your work is transcending borders for you have a listener even here in southwest Africa (Angola being the country) of all places and that's saying something believe me. You can probably, due to the destitute nature of the african paradigm and with the historicity of colonialism make the assumption/presumption that intergenerational mental illness and narcissistic family dynamics are very prevalent in african societies but people are very ignorant of it and it is hindering our development. I wrote you another comment yesterday in a previous video, I hope you read it sir, I reiterate my gratitude for your work, you explain it so simply which reveals epistemological wisdom in the subject matter you excel at.

@igormendoncacanga2569

7 ай бұрын

The part about parentification is absolute genius… reveals epistemological genius.

@sararichardson737

7 ай бұрын

I’ve learnt to dodge it. I spend the holiday period reading a slew of books from start to finish undisturbed. My ex’s family grew to not expect me to show up on Christmas Day.

@lifeofreilly9943

6 ай бұрын

I needed to hear this today, thank you👍

I have acquaintances that treat me with WAY more respect than my “family”

@Jennifer-dw8hl

7 ай бұрын

I've often said friends are life's apology for family.

@pinkazure808

7 ай бұрын

So true. Yet, toxic parents tell you that it is those people out there that you must watch out for.

@larryl2398

7 ай бұрын

@@pinkazure808"They're not friends. They're acquaintances and don't give a ____ about you.'

@honeymoonavenue97

7 ай бұрын

My whole family has told me repeatedly since I was a child that “friends can get up and leave anyday. Family is blood. That’s the real important thing.”

@Jennifer-dw8hl

7 ай бұрын

@@pinkazure808 Yes, while never actually telling you what to watch out for.

I hate this time of year. The Christmas season is the time of year society expects your to just coddle your toxic family and it's hard to get around it.

@Corinna_Schuett_GER

7 ай бұрын

I would stop this toxic circuit during my 20s after my first years in a new town and employment. I would celebrate a wonderful Christmas dinner and party with friends while leaving my hypocrite parents alone, telling them I was already on ski vacation and not available. It was such a relief and liberating!

@thatbemefool

7 ай бұрын

Don’t let it. I’m middle aged and unmarried and trust me, I took my holidays back at least 30 years ago. I REFUSED. I have my own life… The End!

@thatbemefool

7 ай бұрын

@@Corinna_Schuett_GER- OMG ME too. I don’t know why people torture themselves.

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

and paying for the gifts for everyone. 😂

@forgiven5919

7 ай бұрын

Yes and all the Hallmark Christmas fantasy family movies come on and its a slap in the face to remind us what we will never get.

"Conditional love is abusive...you do not trade love for behavior."

October 1995 went no contact with my clueless, in denial, emotionally immature, blame shifting, negligent, insecure, unassimilated, verbally abusive, loveless, unlovable "parents", at the age of 31. Best fucking thing I ever did for myself

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

Twenty eight years of peace! Kudos.

@felicitybywater8012

7 ай бұрын

Me too. At 17. As difficult as it was financially and fending off user men for the next few years, I never regretted it for a second.

@Vixinaful

7 ай бұрын

You didnt have any abusive relationships after your family? How did you manage that?

@stevec3892

7 ай бұрын

Same here and I’m 55

@DonnaChamberson

7 ай бұрын

I just hope to get to your point of strength one day. ❤️ Thank you.

One thing that needs to be said over and over: when you think unhealthy is "normal," you will also see healthy as "abnormal," and end up gravitating towards relationships in your own life that feel comfortable... aka "normal." Hence the abuse cycle continues. It took me years to break that cycle. So many years... 😔

@haggai3.477

7 ай бұрын

Astute Analysis. Cue the *APPLAUSE*

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

I almost left my current relationship after six months because something didn’t feel right. Fortunately I had done a lot of work on myself after leaving an emotionally unstable relationship. Me, myself and I had a long talk. I figured out that I was so used to drama that I was somehow bored. Twenty years later, I made a good decision.

@choosejoy93

7 ай бұрын

💯💯💯💯 my husband and his family seemed so weird and "off" to me because they were a truly healthy example!!!! Its mind boggling now looking back. So grateful for my husband's patience with me while I woke up and healed 🙌🏻❤️ they have all been amazing and so supportive!

@SuzyQpip

7 ай бұрын

So true! We see healthy as suspect, uncomfortable, it even seems fake.

@GeminiTwinning

7 ай бұрын

Screenshotting this comment as a reminder. Thank you. I am 39 just realizing how toxic my family was. Did not know what a boundary was until last year. I used one and my mother just vanished after calling me every name, denial, blaming it all on my dad, and when that didn't work, gaslighting me and telling me I am paranoid. And I did marry a narcissist at 18. Basically my entire life has been nothing but a shitshow.

"As parentified children, we see others' inability to look after themselves as an invitation for us to over-function." That quote unlocked something for me. Thank you for your videos!

@ArdShrivastav-we2zr

5 ай бұрын

Hi😊😅

I was not allowed to be sad or angry. I was called horrible 'nick names'. I was the scapegoat no matter what happened. It was pretty bad.😢

@jrg4313

7 ай бұрын

Yep. If I cried my father would raise his hand and yell at me....quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about. At age 8 I broke my arm, my writing arm. Father wrapped it it with a cloth. I fussed for 2 weeks that it hurt. I was ignored and told to quit whining. It took a teacher who told my parents my arm was broken. Finally got a cast after 2 weeks.

@Michelle_9_27

7 ай бұрын

My mother would do that to me. Yell at me horribly, I put my head down, she would tell me by yelling to raise my head & say something. When I did, she would tell me to shut up. Everyday I was silenced & was just supposed to accept it. Very mentally abused

@margolane3361

7 ай бұрын

I'm sorry. I wasn't allowed to be sad, my parents would punish me. I wasn't allowed to be happy or my siblings would tear me down and bully me. I ran off into the woods a lot...

@missstranger7697

7 ай бұрын

​@@Michelle_9_27Same here. Even my older sister would behave that way to me, because our mother had more expectations from her. I admit my sister was treated poorly, but I was treated worse since I was the scapegoat of the family.

@Michelle_9_27

7 ай бұрын

@@missstranger7697 I’m sorry ♥️

1-verbal abuse (12 subcategories) 2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation) 3-emotional neglect 4-conditional love 5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving) 6-scapegoating 7-silent treatment

@nadineelizabeth195

7 ай бұрын

7/7 marks

@mfar3016

6 ай бұрын

@@nadineelizabeth195 right there with you. Hugs. Break the cycle.

@dragonqueen4376

6 ай бұрын

@@mfar3016I broke the cycle after cutting off my mom and work so hard to make sure I don’t become her to my children. I often think what would my mom have done and do the opposite.

@lakiaraduran

6 ай бұрын

I have been harmed by all 7. Fuck that. Determined to heal and am making headway with the guidance of a somatic therapist. Many blessings on our process to heal from this awful shit

@clararoberts4334

6 ай бұрын

Your comment reaaaaaaalllyyyy resonated with me. I do the EXACT SAME THING with my children. ❤️ ​@@dragonqueen4376

Acting like their child's needs are an extraordinary hardship, how dare you get between them and their addiction.

@youtubename7819

7 ай бұрын

I remember my mother screaming at me because I asked for groceries I could pack for lunch. I said I was confused because I didn’t understand what she was eating for breakfast or lunch since there was no food in the house. She had been going out to restaurants every day…

@Jennifer-dw8hl

7 ай бұрын

@@youtubename7819 I'm sorry that was your childhood experience, I had to steal from my dad's change stash for cigarettes so I could afford school supplies. In his mind I'm still a thief, he accused me of stealing stuff he lost later in life and his behavior is why I don't talk to him anymore. "We found the stuff" was the closest he could come to an apology. I wish you well on your recovery journey and thank you for sharing.

@laurastuff1984

6 ай бұрын

@@youtubename7819 i’m sooo sorry for you. my gkids went through that. i was CONSTANTLY taking them food bc they'd call me & say there was nothing- but she would get mad AT ME and say there was!!! now my oldest grandson at 18 is OVEREATING bc he can and making himself sick A LOT! please take care🙏

I wasn't allowed to be sad, angry, or even be happy. My father and mother were allowed to be all those things. However I was punished for having any of those feelings. So I learned early to have no emotion and to try to be as invisible as possible.

@amandab262

7 ай бұрын

Yeah this seems to be a common theme. Same here.

@kristinm4005

7 ай бұрын

Same…hope you are doing ok!

@nadiawilliams5865

7 ай бұрын

Same here. I was punished horribly for showing any emotion. But their rage apparently was okay

@nafeezabolia9724

7 ай бұрын

Hope you are healing ,and feeling better.

@TheREALLibertyOrDeath

5 ай бұрын

I think most people who have been emotionally abused become invisible

As children, we were not PERMITTED to set boundaries, and if we did, they were not respected.

I just e-mailed my parents a letter explaining why I want to go NC for a year. It was hard to come to this decision. And my parents responded saying I’m sensitive and that physical and verbal abuse happens in every family. Grateful to have communities like this that remind you to trust the evidence.

@kristinm4005

7 ай бұрын

This is the fear of attempting to reconcile. Somehow the parent(s) are always the victim and you are always the oversensitive one. Sorry you got that response, hope you have a great 2024!

@antinatalist9995

7 ай бұрын

When I dumped mine, I got yelled and and told, everyone makes mistakes. Huge relief to have got away from them, but never got away from what they did.

@aunabreslingaming3279

6 ай бұрын

The this is not their business

@annafirth6738

6 ай бұрын

Mine would have just ignored the email. Don't know if that's better or worse, but I suppose that's the idea.

@krystalbeth

6 ай бұрын

So proud of you ❤️ good job on breaking the cycle. Their behaviour is not normal and is toxic.

Going NO CONTACT is a last resort attempt at self preservation usually arrived at almost too late to assuage the mental , emotional and physical damage done by narcissistic families .

@kristinm4005

7 ай бұрын

This is why its so frustrating when people are confused as to why you cut your family out. Ive met lots of people that dont understand how much it took before I finally took that step. Its not a rash decision over one disagreement.

@reesedaniel5835

5 ай бұрын

@@kristinm4005 They see us as the "ungrateful daughter/son" who didn't take care of their aging parent(s). We were expected to give them what they never gave us.

@ChristopherMHeaps

5 ай бұрын

But never too late to be the right choice.

My mother used to tie me up as a child. Guess she thought I would not remember. One Holiday me and my siblings and I were talking about our childhood. The subject came up about being tied up, and they said it happened to them, too. My mother, to this day, denies it ever happened. The memories of 5 children are all wrong. I have been broken my whole life and did not know why. I'm 54 and am trying to put my life back together.

@TheREALLibertyOrDeath

5 ай бұрын

Only God can give us unconditional love. Remember, all have fallen short. All humans are sinners

@HFTLH

4 ай бұрын

​@libertyordeath8983 that response might be well meant, but it's not helpful. I'm saying this as a believer. Everyone falls short, but not everyone abuses. God loves us with perfect love, but some people ARE capable of healthy and mostly unconditional love, while abusers aren't. I can't imagine reading a story of being tied up by your parent as a young child and thinking "we all fall short" is a helpful response.

@irismckay6472

4 ай бұрын

I hear up. Keep doing the work that you need to love yourself. If your mother is still narcissistic, feel free to distance yourself. You deserve better. You will heal, just never give up on that beautiful little girl who had to put up with the bs behavior from childhood.

@ednafields7549

3 ай бұрын

She was tied up as well

@bewarefalsenonprofits

3 ай бұрын

You are not alone, I am cusping 57 and have been no contact for years yet haven't done the "Work" to recover. My Sleastack (from Land of the Lost) of a mother began primal screaming and kicked my older sister out of the house with no car keys on a.Christmas when we both dared to remember out loud that she ( alcoholic, schizophrenic, chain smoking.unshaven, greasy headed beast of a woman) picked us up from a birthday party in her underwear. It was raining and all the little girls at the party were waiting at a big picture window for the their parents to drive up. She looked like a diseased cat as she wobbled up the paved path the the front door. I'll never forget feeling as cold as ice and the gasps from the children and then the deafening silence. I remember clinging to the birthday girls Dad and begging him to not make me go with her, because I knew what follow. I'll never forget him physically putting me in the back seat and then leaning in and asking her over and over again if she was OK to drive. He worked for my pathological,. cocaine addict of an Exfather, and was probably terrified losing his job. Sadly, I was already making excuses for my awful Exparents. I remember telling the kids at school that My mom had been swimming and her bikini just looked like underwear.

Narcissistic parents are so controlling and manipulative, and this made their children believe that whatever their parents say is the law; when somebody outside the family makes a point about the wrong mentality, that person becomes the enemy and would hate that person for life. They live in a false reality, they can't see the truth.

At 7 years old I was in charge of my 10 months old sister. With the house key around my neck, I had to take her to nursing school, 6 days, a week. later on in life, I had to do almost everything for her. Including getting her up in the mornings as she was "imune" to the alarm clock. I am convinced I decided not to have children on my own because I always felt I already did my "job" as a parent.

I stuttered and wet the bed until age 17 in a perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Why did I stop during my senior year? Hmmm? Maybe it was because my dad took a job away from home and was gone 90% of that time period and their golden boy, my older brother moved out and I was able to come out from behind the curtain of threats and shine my light. And that is what I did. I know in my heart that defending myself against a bullying older brother was the underlying preparation for becoming the first State Champion wrestler in my High School's history. And it was thee ONLY match that my dad saw my senior year....AND I remember him telling me afterwards, "Now don't be getting too big for your britches!" I went on to become a chiropractor, graduating at age 40. They both had their health, the time, and the money, but failed to attend. And then continue the lifetime of gaslighting, emotional abuse, by telling me at age 59, that I think I have become arrogant because of my piece of paper, my "doctors degree" in Chiropractic. And that I think that I am so much better than the rest of their kids. That was eight years ago. They are in their late 80s, and they haven't changed one bit. I have been no contact for eight years. and I am doing great. Except that I did, and still do over- explain myself. Enmeshment? I'd say! But, they always told me that they loved me... Get away from them!!!

@lovejumanji5

7 ай бұрын

I got tricked with the” I love you “ When I graduated nursing school my dad said “I’ll be proud of you when you’re a doctor “ Mother said nothing. Father danced wedding song I picked out for my wedding, with my sister at her wedding ! 😅 I’m glad you got a clue at a younger age !

@renticat

7 ай бұрын

I still over explaining myself also i hate it because i want to be loved but then people wouldn't understand in some culture the family is like never wrong, you are the wrong ones is so toxic.

@toyfjforty9686

7 ай бұрын

I can relate to every word you typed... our details differ, but many of the same lessons !! Your closing phrase has been my perspective beginning back in 1982+ and 'subliminally'[sp?] age 10-30 ! Best wishes, comrade.

@vlst8715

7 ай бұрын

That is the most inspiring story I've read in a long while. And it's rather interesting how narcs react to your success. My story is similar, and if my abusers call me an arrogant bastard now, I live for it! That boosts my ego a little. Because I was never allowed to have an ego. I was nothing more than dust under their soles. If even they can acknowledge it now, that means I have managed to turn the tables completely. Not that it matters at all, I just find the irony of the situation pretty amusing. Really puts things into perspective.

@moimeme6533

7 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing and for finding a path to rise above the dysfunction (and hopefully breaking the intergenerational cycle). Just wondering what was your father’s relationship like with _his_ parents?….hmmm.

Remember "The Addams Family," the parents were deeply in love and acted romantic with each other, but their family was "weird," and "abnormal." That was a brilliant social commentary.

@kobra4422

7 ай бұрын

I love Addams family. I could watch the movies so many times when I dislike most "family movies". They loved each other and didn't care abt "fitting in".

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

Everyone was accepted. It was a great show.

@N1S4444

6 ай бұрын

They also had clear boundaries/rules for their children, showed loved and acceptance of their children, and were involved in their lives.

@reesedaniel5835

5 ай бұрын

Yes and they should have named it the CAINS FAMILY, not Adams....which is more narcissistic projection of these serpents who run hollywood and the TV industry!!

@centozo

Ай бұрын

The Addams family wasn't toxic.

You were groomed to their ego, not to what is right or wrong. And they attached “right and wrong” to their ego”, without you realizing it (when you were growing up, and your mind was malleable - literally, from a Nueropsychological standpoint)

@r1234233

7 ай бұрын

This exactly, and its even worse when they're religious their ego now becomes god!!

@VelvetJazz

7 ай бұрын

EXACTLY. HARD STOP!!

@glittergal4160

7 ай бұрын

⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠@@r1234233Exactly! They stand in the way of the true God by twisting & perverting him to their own wants, like with most everything else for them. It’s disgusting, but it’s so easy for people around them to fall into their snares… and those people notice the negative effects of being around them later. That’s how cults are made…God help us 🙏

@BB-fo5mr

6 ай бұрын

Yep, agreed

@BB-fo5mr

29 күн бұрын

*neuro

I remember when I was around 13 & my mom said “Tell your school-therapist what’s really wrong with you, and stop talking about us”.

@mariettanoordewier-kenkel5040

7 ай бұрын

❤

Yep. Most kids grow up thinking that their parents are normal. I definitely believed in that. I had nothing else to go by. I thought everyone’s dad verbally abused them. 🤷‍♀️

@sneznovak

7 ай бұрын

Same here! Then I moved far away, married a pastor and got to know many families very closely. I then realized how my family functions is not how most of other families function. Observing other families I learned what I experienced was in many ways very unhealthy. I try not to repeat it with my husband and kids.

@jrg4313

7 ай бұрын

Yep!!

@missstranger7697

7 ай бұрын

Same here. But as an adult thinking about it, I wouldn't go back in time. Whatever happened, belongs to the past.

@reesedaniel5835

5 ай бұрын

I thought that too until I began spending the night with my friends and saw how differently and respectfully their parents treated them.

@HFTLH

4 ай бұрын

I actually grew up kind of thinking we were better than other people. Narcissistic fleas I guess. Thank God I snapped out of that eventually.

I had to reach out to my dad recently. I said I was still going to stay no contact with my mother. He said my mom has "her own version of history," which made me think he doesn't believe me when I share about her bad behavior. I seriously started questioning myself -- did it all happen like I thought? Then my dad said my autism was caused by my mental health meds. 😐 Yeah, I'm staying no contact.

@ladennayoung2939

7 ай бұрын

I'm sorry you went through that. I pray that things get better for you IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤

@David-eu1ms

7 ай бұрын

I used to think I had autism, and I might, but it's more likely that I learned dysfunctional styles of relating to the world and the people in it, I think it can be reversed with time in a healthy environment.

@gojiberry7201

7 ай бұрын

@@David-eu1ms I guess there's a lot about the brain and environment we still don't know a lot about yet. I wonder if a lot of us will have different "diagnoses" in 50 years (well, I'll be dead, but for the kids) In 2002 they thought I was bipolar, but not anymore. I think trauma molds us wayyy more than people previously thought, and more study needs to be done on it

@missveronica8393

7 ай бұрын

​@@David-eu1msI showed signs of autism from birth, they've also done studies on the brain and shown that autistic brains are different to neurotypical brains, but I definitely think that there are behaviours and patterns of dysfunction in families that can cause problems you're pointing out.

@Lyrielonwind

7 ай бұрын

​@@gojiberry7201 I have complex PTSD and now I'm doubting if I have some level of ADHD or is emotional disregulation... maybe both? Anyway, I have spent three years and severe fight and flight response and now I'm stuck in a freeze response. I can't see the end of the tunnel.

I recognise that when a parent behaves as if completely unable to acknowledge their child's perspective, emotions, boundaries, integrity, and instead thrusts upon their child their perspective and emotions and calling them facts of life, that is emotional incest. The child learns to escape reality in their home setting and develop escapist addictions, substances, shopping, scrolling, gaming, pornography, hookups, fantasies (can be narcissism OR codependence), obsessions and compulsions. These can be undone by understanding their origin, processing the early experiences, being witnessed as a real self and realising who we are. Needless to say I have described myself at a few points there. Thanks for another video! 🙏

@kobra4422

7 ай бұрын

Very well said. I've got heavily dissociated bc: one, my individuality was not acknowledged so I had to be hypervigilant to know how to please everybody. Two: reality was too painful to face and impossible to escape.

@amberinthemist7912

7 ай бұрын

Excellent insight!

My alarm system was broken at a young age. I can remember several times when other people recognised and acknowledged that someone else had been rude to me or manipulative, and I often failed to see it. Abuse, in many forms, just goes under my radar until it's very obvious or outright dangerous. I feel like I am emotionally naked.

I never learned self love growing up - I learnt self loathing instead. It’s taken such a long time to learn to love myself and not loathe my very existence.

i was grossly neglected/abused as a child. Self-love wasn't only untaught; it very clearly was not allowed. Nothing would get me punished deeper... I know why now.

@rw20000

7 ай бұрын

unfortunately i can relate to that

@angelika87

7 ай бұрын

yep I got lectures not to act stuck up when I showed healthy self esteem

@styracosaurusqvt4841

7 ай бұрын

I’m sorry you suffered so much. I hope you find healing.

@essencer.9494

7 ай бұрын

@@styracosaurusqvt4841 thank you. I am

@sandrakellstrom8097

5 ай бұрын

@@angelika87 My mother hated me putting on makeup. She would stand at the bathroom door and say, "Do you think you're beautiful? How could you possibly be beautiful? Look at your family. You'll never be beatiful". She told me that professional men wouldn't look at me because they wanted "pretty" women. She once came unhinged because I said I loved a professional photo by saying, " I'd love a photo like that". She said, "SHE"S PRETTY!" with such disdain. I was out of line for thinking I had anything going for me. No one in my family witnessed it, but she had no problem humiliating me in front of strangers. I couldn't do anything right and my "attitude" was egotistical. She really destroyed me and then blamed me for being destroyed. She once told me I was the reason she didn't have any friends. But she didn't' notice that I had no friends. Monster and mother both begin with an "M".

About competition, narcissists see competition in everybody. They are always competing even when there's no competition at all. If you say you have walked a mile, they have walked ten in less time than you. I have even seen narcissists bragging about their good health and then, someone complained about a physical condition and they switched so they were bearing more pain than anyone in the world... it's so ... crazy? I can't find a word for that.

@stefarfa52

6 ай бұрын

It's called "one uping". This is my sister.

The hardest thing is that my parents didn’t protect me from the abuse and engaged in it. They still have not condemned the poor behavior from the narc sister or other siblings. I was never a priority in the family. Merely an afterthought. This is why people shouldn’t have the number of kids they do.

@NayabImtiaz001

6 ай бұрын

The way I relate to it. 😢 I am so sorry

@fightback397

2 ай бұрын

An afterthought , that is what people think in the end of themselves .

Parentification - this includes managing the feelings of the narcissist, especially anger and if that parent is physically abusive. The child will then do everything they can to be sure that the narcissist is stable. The child might also confuse the narcissist’s sadness for anger because that’s just as potentially dangerous. The explosive raging sessions is something that isn’t discussed much in NPD circles. Sometimes they go on for hours, like 3 hours or go long, like to midnight. Or are done in front of the whole family, forcing the family to stay and witness it. Sometimes the other parent will be dismissive of their own child’s physical abuse and say something like, well that was nothing like what the narcissist went through as a child. I think all kids of narcissists have some level of parentification because of this.

@xenia6761

7 ай бұрын

Oh my god! Yes! Walking around on eggshells because my father had the habit to blow up for no apparent reason. Like a song that gave him nostalgia or something. Or a smell that would remind him of a bad date that he had with my mother before they got married. He would rage for HOURS blaming my mother for not being loyal enough while keeping my brother and me in the room so we had to watch. Eventually he would let us go to bed at 3am because he remembered that we had to go to school in the morning. He beat my mom up several times and made me cover her black eyes with make up ( I was 15 at the time). At some point he put a cigarette out on her shoulder and for years she wouldn’t admit that he did it. All of that is so fucked up. When confronted my parents still try to argue that “all of our issues were between us and weren’t supposed to affect you kids”. Well, they did.

@josephineananda

7 ай бұрын

This is my story.

@pattyrooney1323

7 ай бұрын

I@@josephineananda

@CRD-hi6vk

7 ай бұрын

We definitely need to have more videos on narcissistic explosive rage. They can run on for hours or even all night and and long term narcissistic injury they carry for months or years after the explosive rage.

@Cassie-pt7mt

7 ай бұрын

I instigated, so that I was the target of my father's rage. I was always trying to protect my mother.

The thing when you grow up with narcissists is that you tend to develop a wrecked sense of Justice nor right and wrong. Abnormal behaviors are normalised and acceptable or simple mistakes are badly punished so either you end up being a people pleaser or you become narcissistic yourself. You start to rationalize toxic behaviors and you become toxic yourself at the end you don't know how to relate with other people and you end up hurting them without noticing. I developed high narcissistic traits myself, like anger issues, insubordination, and manipulation, because verbal abuse and threats was how I grew up and now I discovered that these behaviors are not normal but that is how I was educated.

@christinefarris6985

7 ай бұрын

All of this! ❤

@Lyrielonwind

7 ай бұрын

Find your triggers and do inner child work. It's tough but worth it. Being narcissistic won't make you happy. You might have only narcissistic fleas since you are conscious.

@caroleminke6116

7 ай бұрын

Reactive abuse isn’t narcissistic personality disorder ❤

@gobigirl1

7 ай бұрын

​@Lyrielonwind Certainly no pressure, but could you say more about what inner child work involves? Do you mean learning to listen to your younger self more kindly, and learning to be your own kind parent? I found one healthy friend I met in my mid-twenties enormously helpful for unlearning my narc family's unspoken rules. Just by being his honest, warm, forthright self. And pointing my weird behaviors out, without shaming me: " I can't read your mind. You'll have to tell me what you would like to do." And modeling healthy conflict and (inadvertently) teaching me how to do that :)

@OkieDokie-ft5pm

7 ай бұрын

@@caroleminke6116 Plus one, Carole! Thanks for correcting that person about the reality of REACTIVE ABUSE. (So that they don't assume an unfair burden they NEVER should have in the first place) PS--makes this 50-year-old dude want to put in that classic Carole King album "Tapestry" again. I think I will put it en queue already

Isolation to me as an adult is the best thing that exists to protect myself against the lies of the world. After suffering from my ex husband narcissistic abuse and his family…

@marciestoddard730

4 ай бұрын

You can also heal. And slowly bit by bit pick yourself up..orrr u can isolate which seems unhealthy.

@missstranger7697

2 ай бұрын

​@@marciestoddard730 When you heal yourself, people guilt trip you and take it personally. That is why isolation is also a solution, even though it really is a bad habit.

I’m in my 30s and pregnant with my own daughter now. It has made me a lot less forgiving of my mom’s BS. There is no way I could ever treat my child the way she treated me. I grew up feeling like an object. I never mattered to her at all. Everything is always my fault. I deserve whatever cruel thing she says every time. She is broken.

Enmeshment is a huge one for me. My mother refuses to respect me as my own person. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of me being an independent human being. Nothing I tell her makes a difference and I’ve literally tried to spell it out when I was going to move out. “Kids grow up, become an adult, move out on their own and have their own family. How am I supposed to have my own family if I stay here for my entire life?”. She still didn’t get it (or at least acted like she didn’t). I moved out anyway. Maybe now she’ll have some time to think on it.

@JustaGirlinCleveland

5 ай бұрын

Mine thought on it…. And then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not staying. When I set boundaries I was unfriended, blocked, cut off on everything and told to never call again. It’s been 7 years. If she’s not getting her narcissistic supply from you any longer, expect a lash back. Peace to you!

I was never allowed to show emotion. If I were angry or sad or even happy or silly, I was “just trying to get attention.” And, “who do think you are?” One of my father’s nicknames for me was “Big Dummy”. I learned to make myself “small” so I wouldn’t be a bother. My parents didn’t seem to like me and I didn’t know why. I was constantly told I was self-centered. I think their way of parenting was to make me not stuck up or think I was better than anyone else so they came down hard on me to keep me in check. I was always wrong and everyone else was always right. I spent my entire adulthood not speaking up for myself in relationships or in the workplace because I really believed I was always wrong and I should bear the brunt of disrespect or disappointment because that’s what I deserved. Now I’m in my 60’s and I’m finally coming out of it.

When the cops ask why I haven’t been reporting all the abuse over the years… I thought if I ignored them it would stop.

@ValSMITH-it4lg

6 ай бұрын

Never occurred to me to report the abuse. I assumed all families were like that.

I'm a senior citizen now, but I was never shone the kind of love, especially from my dad, that teaches a child how to love others. Even now, I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've been married 3 times, failed at all three. Yeah, like I said, I'm a senior citizen. But I still don't know how to have a close relationship with anyone.

@suzannemeade6335

7 ай бұрын

DITTO. My childhood too.

@monicaluketich6913

7 ай бұрын

I received no love from my narcissistic mother. Her favorite lines were: "If you did x,y,z you would look better." I thought I was one step away from needing a paper bag over my head so as not to scare people. I'm not gorgeous (I also never spent 45 minutes every morning putting on my face), but I am attractive. Another line was, "What would the neighbors think?!" In third grade, she thought I was having a nervous breakdown - did she take me to a doctor? NO. What would the neighbors think? Take coming from a mother who HAD a nervous breakdown after I was born. Makes me wonder how she coped with a baby at that time. Thank goodness my grandparents took care of me for the 3 weeks she stayed in the hospital - but because I bonded with them, I also thought I had been adopted when I had "a new mom." Mentioned that at a large party with all my friends and their parentd there (I was about 30 at the time), and I thought my mother would faint! I am the last of my immediate family still living, and it is peaceful.

@jenna2431

7 ай бұрын

Right there with you.

@mnarmstrong2006

4 ай бұрын

I’m so sorry this happened to you and that this has been your life experience as a result of not being shown the love that you, and we all, deserve as children being raised by our parents. You deserved better, and I am praying for you. Your comment really hit me in the heart tonight, and I just wanted you to know that I empathize and find it brave that you are able to face these things in the later stages of your life. Keep going, keep watching videos and keep seeking to learn about the love that you want to be able to feel from others and give to others. It’s never too late. ❤️

You're so right, Jerry. As small children, we appreciated there were problems -- good parents don't condemn their children with "I hate you!" or try to kill themselves in front of them. However, we didn't know what "normal" was. Thankfully God put a lot of wonderful people in my path, especially after I left home: they showed me there is genuine love, genuine peace and understanding.

What makes me so mad is when your friends and people you see in the community act like it’s normal too. Narcissists couldn’t get away with this if society was good. But society is becoming more and more toxic and abusive.

My birthday is on Xmas day. My mother always made it a horrible time for me. She would blatantly blank anything I ever said and if anyone mentioned my birthday, she'd hijack it and make it about her giving birth on Xmas day. She became more and more abusive over the years to the point where I actually believed I deserved it. My older sister saw it all and never took my side, excusing her outrageous behaviour. I'm 60 now and alone but the Christmas period is still a very difficult time, even though I now know I'd never deserved such hateful abuse. The control she had over me was all pervasive. Forgiveness is the key but we need to recognise the reality of the abuse we suffered to move on. Love to all.

@bsdude010

5 ай бұрын

My mom also thinks my birthday and my sisters birthday is her day for giving birth. I thought it was selfish but now i see it's a narcissist trait.

I live in a town where military families settle and retire in California. Unfortunately, these things are the normal in society here. So many of my peers also had narcissist parents and bosses. It's pretty bad. Thankfully, my husband is blessed with an amazing boss and job that treats us very well. 😊 Note: I'm grateful for our veterans and their service, but the military can be a place where narcissists thrive and go under the radar...

@aammssaamm

7 ай бұрын

Military families everywhere is a childhood disaster.

@featherweldon3632

7 ай бұрын

Sadly as an army brat whose father was also an army brat whose family was run by a narcissistic father, I’d have to agree. Both parents were in the military. Sometimes I feel like I was raised by a drill sergeant instead of a nurturing mother.

@amberinthemist7912

7 ай бұрын

Yep the military and churches are magnets for power hungry narcs!

Ooh….isolation! I never realized before that my family did this or how harmful it was. My brother and sister and I have always been isolated with only one or two friends all through our lives. 😢

You hit the nail on the head. My father, who is a covert alcoholic narcissist, took me to see a counselor when I was 11 years old. When the counseled asked him why we were there, my father said “Because Angelina is the root of all of our family problems.” I will never forget how that felt. I am now 46 years old and my father has been giving me the silent treatment since June 2007- I am still not sure of the exact reason. And don’t get me started on my mother. She is a sociopath who is constantly trying to destroy my reputation and relationships. I definitely prefer the silent treatment over what she does. At least my father leaves me alone…

@teresasanford103

7 ай бұрын

Stay far away from them, you understand now, take care of yourself.

@wms72

7 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry they mistreated you . May Jesus heal you. IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI. +AMEN

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

No contact works.

@lilc5353

7 ай бұрын

I'm sorry 😞 Live well and heal yourself ❤

@bobbym104

7 ай бұрын

Usually the counselor has to break it to the parent that it's not the kid, YOU'RE the problem and the parent freaks and they never go back to that counselor ever again.

My mom told me yesterday that i have been terrorising my own family since twenty years, and that without me she wouldn't have aged so badly

@andanotherthing619

6 ай бұрын

Horrible thing to say. How quickly can you go no contact? People should think of consequences before they open their mouths

I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you talk about enmeshment, Jerry. Not enough therapists do talk about it and it's so toxic and maddening. It IS abusive and it's created an immense amount of shame in me. Lots of healing to do. Thank you for validating this experience!!!!

@theoriginal7727

7 ай бұрын

+parentification!!

@ashanein

7 ай бұрын

@@theoriginal7727 yuuuuuuuuup

@Armygirl4Christ

7 ай бұрын

💯

My father would go into narc rages for hours. Sometimes for reasons that weren't ever known to me. Then when I would complain to my mom she would tell me I should be grateful that they weren't allowing relatives to rape me like had been done to her and my dad's sister (both parents came from homes where csa was common place obviously separate houses). I didn't realize how profoundly damaging that was for me. It always felt like a threat like she was going to let it happen any time if she wanted to. It was such a great threat that it really kept me in line. That was my mom's message growing up "be grateful for your abuse or I'll make it worse." And now people will wonder why we don't speak anymore.

@northstar5919

4 ай бұрын

Omg💜

@nimanixo

4 ай бұрын

I really can’t comprehend how some parents can be like this to their own children

" I didn't say you did it. I said we are blaming you. ". Followed with a whipping.

I just had a eureka moment. I never thought parentification applied to my family, but I realize that it totally does. My parents would go on these business trips that sometimes lasted for weeks. My parents would never get a babysitter, we would never go to a relative's place. My abusive older brother would watch us, and then Id have to watch once that brother left home.

@PaigeSquared

7 ай бұрын

It was assumed that once I was legally old enough to be left home with my younger siblings, that I would be. Every day before and after school, until dinner time. I did not have the interpersonal skills required for that level of time and responsibility. I never actually got parenting after that age, either, they stopped trying to teach me anything or talk to me about morals or whatever normal families talk about.

@r1234233

7 ай бұрын

my parents were always working just to stay in a middle class area that they couldn't afford. Then when they were home there was always physical fights. we never ate together ever even when I was young. My brothers never dealt with me and everyone just assumes everything about me without ever asking questions. I was kicked out at 19 and no one even helped I didn't know how to sort my life out and realised my parents taught me nothing. I don't speak to them except my dad who is the only one I like even though he never listens, misconstrues everything I say, tells everyone things I tell him in confidence. I don't talk to them and now I'm the bad guy even though now I've gone back to university to study biochemistry. When I chose to make this decision during lock down, after having to move to a new place because my landlord was selling the house and I couldn't find a job in my new area, I asked my mom could I stay, she said yes, then rang me up the next day I'm divorcing your dad so you have to find somewhere else. Am I wrong for not talking to them? whenever my mom has an issue she will scream smash things, kick you out, but if you have an issue with her then she will come up with every excuse not to take accountability act like she's forgot then turn everything on me. I've never had my emotions considered. Am I the ass hole?

@shirleydavis5629

7 ай бұрын

As though being flip flop is ok & it is not ok. You are clear minded, looking toward your future. Having a roof over your head is needed. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!🙏 A similiar situation happened to me, it's so hard to fall onto family who are not '"family."

@johnkusske7535

7 ай бұрын

Mine would leave me in charge of my 3 younger siblings from the age of 10 while they went away for the weekend.

@rdwrer1331

2 ай бұрын

wtheck, seriously?? That's messed up!!

Huh, lightbulb: enmeshment is abuse. Boy do I have some changes to make with some "friends" now...

When I set a boundarie it makes people very uncomfortable, and I usually have to reinforce a couple of times before it works, eventually the person will refuse to spend time with me.

@madeleinegrayson8372

7 ай бұрын

And good riddance. People who care about you understand and respect boundaries.

@pinkazure808

7 ай бұрын

I think it is great that you're setting boundaries.

Taking care of mother on hospice- Last week she put a good sum of money into my bank in good faith. She's dying and it is sheltered there for her. A week later she didn't like something I said or did, so she said she wants the money back immediately "so she can find her own place to live" or she will report me for fraud to her bank... huh? I'm working with social workers to get her moved somewhere and I want to cut any communication or contact. By the way, all of your points apply to me.

@dotsyjmaher

7 ай бұрын

When they start money games ....RUN... MY crazy maw was obviously beginning dementia... She told her neighbors AND my siblings... I was trying to convince her she was crazy...to steal her money..( ironically she NEVER loaned or gave me money like she did with all my siblings..) AND... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Told ME she KNEW I had stolen her cannisters..."You ALWAYS wanted them" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OH yeah....scratched up old cannisters.. My sisters ended up ACTUALLY stealing all the money and jewelry... Now that I think of it... I'll bet THEY stole her disappearing cannisters🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 After a family party where she brought a shoe box full of childhood photos... SHE THREW THE BOX OF PHOTOS AWAY... I SAW HER DO IT.. "Why are you throwing that away..." "OH it is just trash" "Can I have it" "Sure"....it is just trash" Saved a lot of our pictures...ugh

@christinerobertson9596

5 ай бұрын

@@dotsyjmaher Now my mom says she wants me in Jail for elder abuse - I refuse to take her "orders" in her words. We share a house and luckily I have an RV so I will be moving into that. She calls the police on us and they want her diagnosed for dementia, but her enabling Hospice people "don't see dementia" I'm so done with her. I'm running as fast as I can.

I have suffered narc abuse from my mother and her golden child, my brother for years now. I can tell how it just destroys you both mentally and physically. I wish there could be some kind of a law or something to ban these narcs from having kids at least. We may not be able to ban them everywhere.. but at least from bringing in more misery into this world.

Lies are a theft of truth. Abuse is always a way of stealing power from others and giving them pain, shame, and dysfunction for their trouble.

People expect that everyone has friends and family this time of year and we don’t and it doesn’t mean we’re terrible people. If somebody doesn’t adopt me soon as a friend or a family member I’m not gonna make it I’m too old now been through too much I still have a lot of love to give Hope this falls on the right eyes and heart

@laurastuff1984

6 ай бұрын

😢 i am RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE... plzzzz believe that. it's not good. please reach out more OR to me. we can 180 this place we're residing in our hearts/minds. PLEASE

Are narcissist parents aware that they are sabotaging, competing, and comparing with their children? My parents have competed with me my whole life and secretly removed opportunities from me and my brother. I am also blamed for all their financial issues instead of their gambling habits. I was told at 11 years old that it was my fault they filed for bankruptcy.

@TheREALLibertyOrDeath

7 ай бұрын

Jeez

@xenia6761

7 ай бұрын

Oh my dear! This is so heartbreaking. So much to carry for a child! My sister in law witnessed her mother having an affair when she was six years old. Then her mother told her “if you want mummy and daddy to get along, you don’t tell anybody!” Also, I have a friend who grew up with her narcissistic grandmother because her mom committed suicide when my friend was 9 years old. That evil psycho of a grandmother told my friend, a nine year old child, that it was her fault her mother killed herself. People are wicked. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are so many of us affected by that type of family stuff. I wish everyone on their healing journey peace of mind. Let it end with you ❤❤❤❤❤

@ashleighant

7 ай бұрын

​@xenia6761 thank you❤ I'm trying!

@wasntme3651

7 ай бұрын

I also used to wonder if they know but as time goes by and I learn more about what a narcissist is I think they absolutely know. They are sick and twisted to a degree it’s mind boggling. I remember when I bought my first new car and took it to show my dad he smugly said good job. A week later he went out and got a new car. He never liked to see me doing good. I have been no contact for over ten years and part of me wants to write him and tell him how he is a fkd piece of 💩but then he’d play his games and try to use it against me. Alan. R. T. Is a pos

@larryl2398

7 ай бұрын

Ever been told how much it cost to raise you? Or how much was spent on Christmas gifts over the years?

Wow ! Jerry! Thank you for this video today. My husband has a narcissistic mother. She is now 80 and he feels committed to helping her. He has had a hard time with social development because of his mother. He has no friends outside of his ethnicity. It makes him very unhappy living in the United States. She has made sure he has not developed his own self. When ever I see his authentic self emerging she gets under his skin with an one of her health emergencies that is really nothing.

@larryl2398

7 ай бұрын

So basically she groomed him into being her caretaker from the get go. Ridiculous!

@jensmithe3624

7 ай бұрын

You made my day today. Keep healing yourself. You are such a young person who can have a beautiful life if that is what you want. You have my permission to live how you want and to say no to your mother. I don't know the situation of your caregiver phase but if she is not dying and can manage on her own stay away. Get stronger.@@kobra4422

@belindakilian3784

7 ай бұрын

So sad

@oldnick9232

6 ай бұрын

My Mother also selected a minority husband, and in the end admitted to being a racist, it all worked to her advantage, controlling the family in the extreme. While playing the poor retarded, unwell, victim of the world. Prompting all around to act and react as her insanity required. Playing on the emotions of others, as she had no emotion at all.

58 yrs old and beyond exhausted by these self-serving, entitled, cruel cardboard cutouts! They've gone now and ....I'm trying! There's definitely peace but the damage is unfathomable! I hurt and i hurt for other's and the impact these creatures will have on them! They should come with a health warning! We must become conscious of our enabling behaviour....this would greatly stop the cruel behaviour of these entities!

My mother was really big on parentification...she told me I would be taking care of my 13 years older brother and my younger, severely mentally disabled sister when she finally got tired of living with my father and decided to end herself...she emphasized that I would become their "mommy" and would have to take her place in the home...she also said it would be a horrible day when she finally passed away and she didnt envy me one bit when this event finally took place, that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Also she blamed me for every little inconvenience she experienced...one time she blamed me for her getting diarrhea because I stressed her out so bad. 😒

I have never heard of enmeshment but that perfectly explains exactly what I always felt like growing up. I didn’t have a sense of self, and if I tried to break free I was promptly hit back into place like a game of whack-a-mole.

I have always felt that love is conditional. That is because of my mom - she kind of dangled the love and I would try to grab it. That has been the way of my romantic life forever. I quit dating when I was 40 and I am 56 now. I’m really lonely but it is for the best.

@kristinm4005

7 ай бұрын

Im sorry you feel lonely. It is difficult and sad when there is the desire for human connection but disappointment is all you get in return.

@Youreacashier

7 ай бұрын

@@kristinm4005 Thanks. I am usually okay with it because I can remember the disappointments quite clearly, but sometimes I get angry - how come I am not allowed to have what other people take for granted?! I feel like an observer and not really alive. Just a person that has a bit part in life. That is just the way it is though. I don’t think I can ever get rid of this illness or the shame it brings.

Intelligence plays a big role. People that are intelligent don't need to behave that way to have control. Smart people control themselves before they try to control someone else.

I've been abused outside my family and let it happen because I can't tell the difference between that and normal behavior. I've forgiven my family, but it makes me sad knowing they never taught me that.

@lonefaolan6042

7 ай бұрын

I can relate. I also been abused outside my family and within.

@elizabethmadron1336

7 ай бұрын

Look at your friends parents. How they treat their kids. Growing up ,I was able to figure it out. I did not know what to call it. I knew there was something really wrong in my household. That really pissed me off.

@rose5602

7 ай бұрын

@elizabethmadron1336 Is it like what you see in the movies? I don't have many friends lol.

My dad abused me, i still have scars. He hit me on my head when i was 7 and 12. He touched me when i was 12. But my mother said its my fault that i didnt report it at that time and i shouldnt be discussing this years later. I spoke to her after i had a kid ( as i was scared to leave my child alone with him). I was shattered, when my mother underplayed my childhood trauma. My sister ( the golden child) calls me the evil child, apparently according to her, "our father is incapable of abuse, he just has anger isues and alcoholic, not abusive". It breaks me. I cant breathe when i think abou it. Im 40 but the pain never goes.

I grew up around the following: Chemically dependent adults one example: While I was on an outing as a child my Uncle went to go get his 'stuff. My mother was mixed up with a man who was into drugs, my mother was a screamer, and threw meltdown tantrums. I love her but the stuff that came out of her mouth I could go on & on. She would swear at me too. I won't even get started on the man she dated then later married until he died. I'm a mess now trying to pick up the pieces. Wish me luck please.

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

Sounds like you are on a healing path. You being aware is the first step. You don’t need luck. Your intelligence and knowledge will keep you on a good journey. Kudos to your progress.

@JulietCrowson

7 ай бұрын

Prayers help Would you like us to pray for you ? 🙏⭐🕊️

@rdwrer1331

2 ай бұрын

lots of prayers for you, that's seriously rough. I hope you heal. Louise Hay helped me.

Sums up how I was raised. Ever since I began listening to you Mr. Wise. Flashbacks have hit me hard this past month. That stress is onto my health. 😢

@maggiesalle2256

7 ай бұрын

You are not alone.

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

Had flashbacks for a year after my mother died. It’s rather freaky. I thought I would just be relieved but then it started. Things are finally calming down.

@shirleydavis5629

7 ай бұрын

Thank you @maggie & @Dbb for sharing your input. It is obvious how many of us need to, & can be healed.

@dianacarter_art

6 ай бұрын

Me too. I wish I could forget and move on. ❤

I experienced a lot of these things. After my dad died I was pretty much left to raise myself because my mother couldn't be bothered unless others were watching and it made her look good. I didn't have to take care of her. It was more like we were roommates and she paid all the bills.

As an only child I had to flip-flop between being The Golden Child and the Scapegoat for my father

@JustaGirlinCleveland

5 ай бұрын

Only child of a narc mother- I called it the love bomb-sucker punch combo

I don't like animosity, so you confront it... then they ghost you.

@rdwrer1331

2 ай бұрын

This is totally what occurred when I finally set a text/email only boundary. My oldest sister went silent, then she blamed me saying I was the one who was silent. Now she's telling all the family members I'm schizophrenic. I totally have a tough time forgiving that wretched ..... but I want to be released from all the anger. She seriously talked with me on the phone so much, once a week. She would call. Now? 0 relationship, I'm dead to her, and I love it. It's so nice to not have her in my life. I don't miss her AT ALL.

The silent treatment in my family got so bad my father pretended I didn't exist. That made me much more frightened than I had been before. He hated me because he knew I would tell if he molested me too. My mother told me on my 15th birthday that I was an unwanted child (I'm the eldest of 2) and she framed it as though that justified the abuse. I got an after-school job within a couple of weeks, concealed my savings from it (they'd already stolen from me) and just vanished when I had somewhere to live. Leaving them was the smartest thing I ever did. I shared a flat with a girl they didn't know so they didn't even know where to start looking and, as a child molester, my father was not going to go the the police. (Had I realised back then he was molesting my sister, I would have told my grandfather, his father, and he would have taken my sister and I to the police station.) My parents are dead now and I don't miss them. My sister is clinically insane and believes it was all somehow my fault.

@judithparris1818

7 ай бұрын

Never! Not your fault. The blame sets right on their shoulders... the abusers!

@felicitybywater8012

7 ай бұрын

@@judithparris1818 Dead right. She's still stuck in that house of horrors.

Incredibly normalizing, elucidating, sad and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Wise.

Growing up I thought something was wrong with me. My mom would tell me something was wrong with me.. but it was social awkwardness because I was just allowed to go to school and no where else. I couldn't visit friends they had to come over my house, and we could never play in my room. It was horrible now I know it's because they can't share control 😢. They see the pain they cause children and it doesn't phase them at all.

Every damned one of these resonates, it's so sad to think of the years that have been stolen from me and how socially stunted I am, how poorly I function, just doing basic things that most people take for granted like going to work and getting back is such a huge insurmountable task for me, it is absolute torture to have to be around others too, going out anywhere causes such panic and anxiety....

RUN 🏃🏃‍♂🏃‍♀

that was very light example of parentification... driving a car. Biggest burden is when child must soothe the parent... and carry their anxiety. (btw fire alarm - yes very good metaphor.)

@pinkazure808

7 ай бұрын

I may have this thing with carrying the anxiety of a parent. How can you tell when you are carrying their anxiety?

@collie8

7 ай бұрын

@@pinkazure808generally when you're anxious about life of adult people other than yourself. It's neurotic reaction - 'super-empath'. If your mother was intentionally sharing her adult problems with you when you were a child, you're in the club.

@pinkazure808

7 ай бұрын

@@collie8 Thank you. This clears it up. Yep, I'm in the club. The other day I was telling mom not to do something. Now in hindsight, I realize that she's an adult who can take care of herself.

My husband's going to leave me because i dont know how to handle stress. I act exactly like my mom at this time. I hate it. All i wanted to do as a child was get away from her now i did it to my sweet husband. I hate myself. I am waiting for a doctor to call me back.

She was extremely insecure and depressed, but I've never thought of my mother as narcissistic. I still don't think I do, but far too many of these apply to her, and my childhood, for comfort. :(

@ellie698

7 ай бұрын

Same here. She's self centred narcissism. It's all about them and their needs. Ours didn't matter, just didn't enter their heads.

@DogMomCMF

7 ай бұрын

I’m discovering this as well….I can’t find a single video that doesn’t describe my mom. 🫤

@amberinthemist7912

7 ай бұрын

Untreated mental illness in a parent can be damaging for children. It usually is. Things like addiction and Untreated depression can make you function like a narcissist without having the npd personality disorder.

@gunsmithcat

7 ай бұрын

Maybe she has BPD instead?

@Arbitraryusername

7 ай бұрын

@@gunsmithcatthat’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s far more likely that a woman has BPD than NPD, but it’s like the opposite side of the same coin.

It’s our job to make things work-this says it all.

This is so heartbreaking but I guess it’s really accepting reality of all that I endured 😩😮‍💨 I can’t pretend it didn’t happen anymore

@ValSMITH-it4lg

6 ай бұрын

Sometimes reality really sucks, but living a life mired in confusion not only sucks worse, but it keeps you from healing. Get some help to face the truth, please. You are worth it.

My covert narc mom has tried to make me carry her issues. She has had many men since my biological father and has expected me to like them as much as her!? When I try to ask for boundaries ie not showing up at my home without letting me know she plays a cry bully to everyone and call me a terrible person😢 This stuff never gets easier you just get more sensitive to it. Thank you for your information ❤❤

How do we show our young children that narcissism behaviors is not normal when coparenting with a narcissistic parent? I see him gaslighting her already and I want to protect her

@eveishawna7934

7 ай бұрын

Stand your ground

@sighidk786

5 ай бұрын

Honestly, if he’s abusing her already, leaving him may be the only option. Even just 1 instance of abuse is too much.

@LindseyVoorhies

5 ай бұрын

Already left him, unfortunately we share custody

@rdwrer1331

2 ай бұрын

Now that you're not together, maybe your kids can have a lot of activities when it's "his time", so that they aren't around him a lot. Oh what a nightmare. I'm glad you're free from him. You're setting an example to your kids that abuse is not ok and you don't have to put up with it. My mom just reached her 49th year with my monster of a dad, and I wish she would stand up for herself or leave. In a way she does because she keeps herself insanely busy and he lives in a separate building on the property...ya, seriously. He always has had a separate building to live in, it's twisted. All he did/ does was watch TV once home, what a lowlife. I hope you're healing. Louise Hay I can't say enough about how she's helped heal me.

You just described my life, especially feeling the need to take care of everyone else and attracting those who need taking care of. I think older generations considered many of these abuses as "good parenting skills". No, they're not. They're harmful behaviors that need to stop. Now I have the power to step away from the toxic ones. Thank you for your educational videos! 😊

Thank you so much for this, Jerry. Scapegoat here that still questions sometimes “how bad” it was growing up with two gaslighting, manipulating, and overall controlling parents (who divorced when I was 4) I can’t even put into words the damage my self-esteem and sense of self took… been no contact for a year with both of them, feeling better than I ever have before, and your videos are a dose of validation and affirmation that I still need from time to time… thank you so much. I was never a burden, they were just dumping all their shame into me. Unreal…

Thank you so much! You just explained my entire life... just when you think your healing journey is almost done you realize there is no much more that i drag around with me from my growing up times.... I dont say child hood because I really didnt have one. Maybe thats why I am still a kid at heart...

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

69. I think I am done and more pops up. It’s pretty strange. I think it’s always going to be there like a TV playing in another room but the volume keeps getting lower and lower.

Im so glad I've found this channel. Thank you Jerry! I still find myself surrounded by narcissistic people or people lacking in empathy because their behaviour is familiar. It's almost like I'm more comfortable with those people than with functional people because I know how to handle their toxic behaviour, whereas normal ways of relating make me feel vulnerable. My teens and twenties were blighted by poor self image and isolation. Because of the emotional neglect and abuse I experienced growing up in a family emotionally devastated by my fathers alcoholism and my mothers bitterness, its only now that I'm starting to learn how to parent myself at almost 35 years old!

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

Im 69. You’re figuring things out at a great age. Good for you. Don’t lament the past time you lost. Just know whatever you go through figuring everything out so early leaves you the rest of your life to live in peace.

@bokehintheussr5033

7 ай бұрын

@@Dbb27 this comment is very comforting thank you. I do tend to wish things had been different, but I'm realising more and more why things have been the way they were and letting go. The last couple of years have been very eye opening.

@kobra4422

7 ай бұрын

Good job! It's never too late. I was also isolated in my teens and twenties. It sucks when the years that are supposed to be fun are filled with abuse and insecurity. But we can get better!! As the previous person said, we can learn from it to avoid patterns in the future.

My mom has been giving me the silent treatment since I was 6 years old. She could go an entire week not saying one word to me, just scowling. I had to learn to fend for myself when she did this. I'm 40 now and she will still give me the silent treatment for any perceived slight or offense. Everything you're saying is 100% accurate and everything I go through with my mother. The enmeshment is infuriating.

I look like the girl in the thumbnail right now my mascara all smudged from crying after the narc I was living with went threw my belongings out his front door into the snow because I asked why you would threaten to kill my goldfish. I'm realizing the narc is exactly like my dad and the abuse my dad gave me before I want no contact

I think this strange angry type of behavior is being accepted more in regular society than in the past. Maybe there are so many families like this that it is spreading to places it wasn't before in society. I was shocked recently that a young doctor was finding fault and not at all professional. She did not help but blamed me for having the issue I was talking to her about. She was yelling even though she is supposed to be the professional. I didn't react to her at all in the office, but now I am going to talk to the practice administrator. I was just so surprised that I didn't say anything.

@Dbb27

7 ай бұрын

Hopefully you are in an area where there are other doctors you can see.

@dianeensminger38

7 ай бұрын

I'm not sure what is going to happen but, I'm hoping for someone else at this practice. It's strange what passes for "professional " behavior. Bullying the patient isn't professional.@@Dbb27

@reesedaniel5835

5 ай бұрын

Narcissists are another species and they have outbred us. They are everywhere. Long ago they required a blood test for marital compatibility. There was a reason for that....It's even in the Bible about the other seedline...Genesis 3:15, Psalm 58:3-5.

I was 8 years old when I started to feel like my Father was treating me weirdly… I just convinced myself this behavior was normal in every household. He got worse over the years, toward both my mom and I. We moved out when I was 15, he didn’t know untill 3 days before. I am now 17, and only just cut him off completely. I am now batteling the MANY side effects.. I am constantly anxious and jittery… and i’m actually not sure what to do… My mom has encuraged listening to videos, to get some clarity. Right now it’s just difficult to concentrate.

@TLE1979

2 ай бұрын

Hi I am a 44 female who has a narcissist father. I never understand why he dislike me so much compared to my other siblings who are constantly spoiled. My father is a workaholic and alcoholic who isolates himself from everyone. He has ruined my life so many times. if I can recommended you from woman to woman save yourself by detachment and go try to live your own life.

My mother was an ignoring narcissist, so some of the above did not happen. Most of the verbal abuse - and what I now realise was open dislike - started when I was about 14. I don’t even remember her, which is weird as I was an only child. She just wasn’t “there”. However, whether engulfing or ignoring, all narcissist parents have no real empathy for their children ( though may on occasion show lots of empathy to others 🤮 !). They do not see their children or their adult children. They only see themselves.

I feel like I am the only person who wants off the planet. I am 55 and tired. So tired. My soul is gone. It was beautiful. It died and needs to go back to where I came from. It was 75 % percent hell.

@rdwrer1331

2 ай бұрын

Feel like I wrote this comment. I'm right there with you, I'm just so tired! My new parents and family have been through youtube, listening to the following wonderful people; Louise Hay, Napoleon Hill, Brian Tracy, Jim Rohn, T. Harv Eker, Dani Johnson, Les Brown and others.

@daniellescott6701

2 ай бұрын

@@rdwrer1331 Means a lot. More then you know. 🌬💋 Thankyou.

Awesome video!!! Thank you for your work. I can identify with each category. Growing into adulthood was so challenging for me. Mother was (is) malignant narcissist, and father was her pawn. She lied to him about me daily and he believed everything she said. Once I began working with a therapist I started peeling back the onion and finally realized it was them, not me. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge. It’s invaluable.

I had a npd dad growing up and this entire list is spot on with my experiences. The way I was treated like I didnt have a self/ego has been very debiletating as an adult.getting run over by anyone who wanted to control me and I had no way of stopping them. Never seen a therapist cos so much was "normal" to me despite feeling lost and hopeless many many times. Then I tried a Pcilocybin mushroom trip. OMG! I had flashbacks of times my npd dad was over the top abusive mentally and I remember I felt something break in me that time 25 years ago. then 1 week later all of a sudden I felt this rush of energy release in my body and then in my head making me scowl like Clint Eastwood does in any old western movie.I felt my self/ego was reborn and ever since then I know where to draw the line with people trying to exploit me. Psykedelics used right can be a powerful tool in addition to treatment for us who are npd survivors.I also had an spiritual awakeing in that trip so my view on this life existance has become better for it.mother earth touched my tormented soul and I felt my self/soul became one with the universe for a brief moment. I feel blessed and very far along the healing path :D

When you think that something is normal, you are not only more likely to tolerate it from others, but you are also more likely to do it yourself onto others. And then it becomes harder for you to realize that it was never normal; to admit that it was never acceptable, neither when your parents were doing it, nor when you are doing it.

I remember my dad waking me up late one night when I was about 10 years old, so I could make my mom come home.

I've been in therapy to understand my family's behavior. Im consuming your videos - never heard this from a professional. Only experience knows experience THANK YOU

People have been programmed with many negative behaviors unknowingly. Thank heavens for awareness and ways to heal so our world can change to be loving and supportive.

My narcissistic father was verbally and emotionally abusive.towards me from childhood into adulthood. I got relief when he passed away. The hardest part is I really loved him.

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💯 a lot of people even some physicians gaslight! Religious leaders gaslight!

@elizabethmadron1336

7 ай бұрын

I dropped religion 12 yrs ago. Best decision of my life.

wish i got sent to you as a kid. gotta lot of learning to do. thank you for your work sir.

That silent treatment... my mum was the worst for it. Like yeah I'm thankful she never physically assaulted me but damn... that silent treatment. Idk how to even express how messed up it was.