Masking has not brought me good things in my life: it has created situations where people think I can do things that I can’t, that I want/like things that I don’t, that I consent for things to happen which I do not, and that I am happy when I am not. Most of all it has prevented anyone knowing me properly.

@ashleysmith792

Ай бұрын

This. I’m never heard my own experience articulated so clearly from anyone else.

@tracik1277

Ай бұрын

@@ashleysmith792 ❤️

@aaacomp1

27 күн бұрын

Yep. Years of masking left me with a feeling of living a wasted life. I stopped masking. I lost a lot of friends and i am alone most days but at least it's an authentic life now.

In my experience, there are two types of masking. One is the conscious mask - I can feel this as a change in mindset when I'm talking to some (most) people when there's a conversation that's not going according to plan. My strategy for unmasking in that case is to simply end the conversation at that point (like most autistic folk, I have scripts for that...). The long-term result of that is masking becomes less and less a feature, proportionally, of my interactions with people...and so I'm gradually losing the habit. The other type of masking is much, much harder to stop - everything you learned before you became self-aware (ie as a child). For those of us who learned to mask early (and therefore were diagnosed late), that's _insanely_ hard to do, because those things are so tightly integrated with our sense of self that we can't separate ourselves from them. My current approach is in conjunction with my wife, where "home" is effectively my safe, dark place where there are no circumstances where I _need_ those things. Work in progress, that. You should bear in mind that it's OK to mask - it's even necessary, to get the results you want in the world. To my mind, the process of unmasking isn't throwing the mask away, but rather reserving it for those times when it's genuinely useful (be it to achieve a particular result, to get out of a really awkward situation, or to avoid upsetting someone you care about).

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing, it's valuable to hear your experience 🙏 I agree it's ok to mask & helps in many ways in many situations. For me the confusion comes from knowing this, but also being hesitant to mask so much because of its contribution to burnout as I mentioned in the video (and also come to think of it other hnhealthy habits like people pleasing). Its a case of unpicking these things over time to find somewhat of a balance that works I think.

@digiscream

Жыл бұрын

@@charlierewilding - ah yes, that's the trick. Over time, that hesitancy will probably turn into an explicit (internal) question - "Am I willing to sacrifice a spoon or two to get this done?" - and just fine-tuning your process for getting in/out of it. I tend to prepare in advance (my world's carefully constructed so I can usually do this fairly reliably - I'm in my mid 40s, so I don't have a lot of the social pressures of 20s and early 30s), so I can predict with about 80% accuracy when I'm going to need to mask beyond the point where recharging will be required, and thus plan in some recovery time afterwards. It helps that my wife is _incredibly_ understanding about it - for example, she knows that our weekly/monthly shops are exhausting from a masking and sensory perspective, so she knows I'm not going to be able to help pack it away when we get home. She also keeps an eye on me when we're out socially, and will almost always step in so I have a chance to escape rather than mask past the point of no return. Unfortunately, there's no getting around the fact that we need our partners' help when other people are involved. I honestly have no idea how single autistic folk manage.

@skillit32

Жыл бұрын

That is such a good point! Having a good partner helps so much.

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

@@digiscream This is incredibly reassuring and helpful, thank you! You're right - having a partner, and even more-so an understanding and supportive one, is such a blessing.

@srldwg

Жыл бұрын

@@charlierewilding What would be great is if you did a video where you (being in your comfort zone, at home) consciously (as much as possible) be as much yourself as possible. Let go of the structured thinking and the idea that you need to appear a certain way in front of the camera. This helped me even before I was diagnosed. I also practice this at my doctor's appointments (minus the neccessary social niceties.) I hope this makes sense, doesn't come off as invalidating your struggles (because I understand, and am going through this too right now), and doesn't come across as insensitive.

I hear what you're saying. As eager as I am to be fully me, I have a fundamental and pervasive mistrust of my own mind. I look forward to hearing how you tackle that struggle.

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

'mistrust of my own mind' - yes, that's it!

@homo-sapiens-dubium

Жыл бұрын

Just talked with my therapist about this, have 100% the same problem. Am not able sometimes to judge my own behavior and impressions (e.g. am I egoistic requiring others to "shut up" and leave me alone in an argument when having a meltdown?), doubting myself and my needs as a consequence. The answer of my therapist: you are the sole source of thruth for you, every need you feel is 100% valid, not doubtable or negotiable. Its 100% real and true. Letting that sink in gave me so much power and trust in myself. For the example it means it is 100% correct and ok to have the need to be left alone on meltdown - independent of the situation. Every human has the right to draw a border and be left alone. If that is not respected when expressed or communicated (by whatever means), its abusive, a violation of personal boundaries. All the best to you!

@Mandalasa

Жыл бұрын

I can relate so so much! The only thing so far that helped me to get a bit better at figuring this out is 1. Asking myself: do I think I should think this? Is this something I think I should xyz… or am I actually thinking this? 2. The less stressed my nervous systems feels, the bigger the chance to catch myself…. I mean, thoughts are so fast and this auto-micro-censoring runs on steroids 😂

Hi friends, I hope you're doing well? Another personal update on my autism diagnosis journey this week all about the confusing thing that is unmasking after a diagnosis (whether self or formal). I hope this provides some solidarity if you're also feeling a little confused by it all. Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences too, if you're comfortable sharing. Sending much love, keep being you ❤

@andreaking2358

4 ай бұрын

I wish there were some examples. Examples help me alot. All of this feels so vague at the moment, although I know its a process I have been going through for the past 3 years, couldn't it also be called individuation? Or de-conditioning? Also, it would be cool to hear what advice the therapist gives, I don't have one, no health insurance atm.

Thank you so much for this open, honest video! Communities/society are typically setup by and for neurotypical people. The subconscious masking will mostly appear because we've grown up and lived in this "hostile" environment. 😢 I hope your journey is continuing well. ❤

Exhausting is exactly the word. ❤

By sharing this, you're helping every viewer in a similar situation with their process also, providing so many inputs and thoughts to latch on bringing us further in our processes too - its super helpful, high impact and brings an enormous insight for NT's to our processes, that many of us cant formulate like you can, thanks so much for that! :) [Its gotten long, but here is my personal take on the topic as part of my process (if anyone is curious)] Also 6:20, My opinion is its not "just" your body & brain "thinking" its protecting you - unveiling unmasked self, unveiling being autistic is a vulnerability. Not being able to do what everyone else does effortlessly is a disadvantage and can be taken advantage of. Its the most natural thing to happen to mask because of this, to not stick out as a complete odity. Its a reflex to turn it on because of that I think, a reflex of self protection. Its a huge privilege being able to, as you said also because of that. And being able to turn it off in settings one feels comfortable surely is key to our wellbeing (because it costs tons of energy & simply is not part of us directly, rather as a mechanism of its own) I'm not that far in my process regarding masking, but I think it will be almost inevitable to "turn it off" - it is now a part of me that I'll have to accept to be happy instead of fighting it constantly. I'm actually not sure if there is anything "without" the mask. I feel my mask is like a collage of pieces, everyone of which I've picked up from someone else or situations. Its like water insect larvae covering themselves in tiny pieces of plants to protect themselves as shell (was a special interest for a while). I sure am a person, have emotions etc etc without the mask - just not the social ways, reactions etc etc off my own. And thats ok, if I dont have that, I am different, not a little but quite fundamentaly and not scared of finding out to not have parts other deem fundamental. And thats also ok. I'm not sure if there is a way other than accepting that I'll never be able to see myself "function" with other people without a mask, I dont think I am. I'm also curious to see beneth it, but I kind of doubt thats fully possible. But getting to be aware of where that border, that edge between me and my mask is, I deem fundamental in my process (learning to live healthy, and sustainably without crashing as an autistic adult). Just one of many boundaries I have to start being aware of and feeling (which didnt happen from birth by not being aware of being different & as part of that simply emotionaly working differently, having so much difficulty discovering the reasons for certain emotions, and sensing them in the first place).

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts - this was super fascinating to read! I found myself nodding along in agreement to your perspective and I hope that I will get to this place of acceptance. I love how you describe it as the 'border' - the edge between you and the mask - it is a useful visual. I think I am starting to sense this organically, but my curious and often black and white mind is still attached to the idea that I will be able to know my 'true' self! I have to remind myself that this is also a fundamental part of any human experience - none of us (ND or not) are able to truly know our authentic selves because we live in societies with social conditioning etc etc... lots of food for thought, thank you!

I was speaking to Samaritans earlier today and they also asked me what a diagnosis of ASD would mean to me. I agree with you that the freedom to be able to mask is definitely true. I also told them that a diagnosis for me would mean like a flag that I can fly for others to understand without requiring my effort to let them know of my needs as well as legal protection such as work because employers don't seem to really care. My masking involved my lifelong obsession with a role model who is no longer around which took off my mask so to speak so I found spirituality and meditation useful. I modeled myself on others as a way of masking which made me survive but not like neurotypicals. Also following the steps of communicating with others doesn't always stick with me and it reveals the true me when I can no longer do it and people expect me to continue acting neurotypical. Unmasking sounds interesting. Earlier today I became a victim of bullying in the street. I found my hat a good cover to avoid eye contact and move on. My hat is a form of masking as well but I found it difficult to unmask it by taking it off because it was frightening to reveal my true self to others. It is also a fact that I had to learn painfully from mistakes in the past on other platforms of social media.

@SmallSpoonBrigade

Жыл бұрын

I do think that's an important thing to consider, as anybody who is at a point where they get to choose whether to pursue the diagnosis or not is technically functioning to some extent. Personally, I'm getting reevaluated because there's been so much more information out there that wasn't out there 15 years ago when I was originally evaluated. There's still not much available that requires a diagnosis, as much of it is community created, but having the stamp of approval does allow for more accurate estimates of the level of need and does make it harder to justify the feelings of being an imposter.

@NiaLaLa_V

Ай бұрын

I worked at a company that specializes in hiring people with disabilities. They treated me worse than any regular job ever has. Be careful, I went back to masking because a woman with ridiculous anger problems is tolerable but a woman with autism is dispensable.

It is so sad to me that children who are diagnosed young now, get help, they can be themselves and seem to be accepted that way. I have tried to fit in and did what was acceptable to everyone else.... in the process my health is down the drain, I am burned out, I have really no idea who I actually am, and if I show bits of myself I find, it's unacceptable 😢. Not fair....

Just now trying to start unmasking It’s so intricate - behaviors, thoughts, worldview Hopefully slowly but surely getting better

I so related to your comments on not knowing where your mask begins and ends. It is something I am also struggling with. As I unmask I can sense it is a hard process for friends and family who have known me in a different way.

Thank you so much for sharing this video! I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet and am currently in the process of seeking an autism assessment, but the more research I’ve done through others’ shared stories and sites online, the more confident I’ve become in the fact that I am autistic. I’ve shared some of my experience with my parents, roommate and my partner, but it’s been difficult for me to since none of them really know a lot about autism and it’s been hard for me to sum up my experience. It’s also caused me a lot of anxiety when it comes to my process of unmasking. I don’t think I’ve really learned how to be as good at masking as other autistic people are, but I’ve learned enough to get to get by in a neurotypical world and to get to where I am now. Although I really want to unmask and I know it’s important for my well-being as an autistic person, I also find a lot of my personal identity and a sense of security behind my mask. My partner and all of my close friends know me for who I am with my mask. I graduated high school and college and also got my first full-time job with my mask. I don’t even know how I would change if I learned to unmask, which is incredibly scary as well. When you mentioned you were worried about loosing friends and others close to you, you literally took the words right out of my brain! Sorry for probably oversharing, but I’m so glad you have this channel, you’ve made me feel less alone and I’m sure you are helping countless others through their own autistic self-discovery journeys! :)

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

I'm so happy you enjoy my videos and find them helpful Faith! Thank you for watching and sharing a bit about your journey too. I am wishing you all the best with your autism assesment - I really hope it's a validating experience for you ❤

I love listening to you speak! I can almost feel how cathartic it is 🕊

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

How lovely! I hope this shed a bit of light on your question about unmasking :)

As someone who also feels that I go through life masking, I have thought it must be that we feel we maybe living a double life and not knowing that other self. Agreed we wonder if those around us just know our masked self.

This might sound weird but I’m sure we used to chat a while ago when you posted more art content on instagram, and I’m so pleased to have found your channel again. I was diagnosed autistic aged 25, am now 28 and it is only really just hitting that I am autistic. Those around me just see the mask (and have only ever seen the mask) so don’t really understand the huge impact of daily life in a neurotypical world on my energy levels and how much effort has to go into living! I wanted to shout an echo of yes when you said you don’t know what is you and what is the masks because that is exactly the point I am at, it can be so hard and when we learn what are common autistic traits, I don’t know about you but because I have spent my life mimicking neurotypicals, I don’t want to go down the path of mimicking autistic traits either! I suppose the journey of determining autistic traits but also the finding yourself part too will be lifelong/a long one because we are (frustratingly) ever changing (even though, for me personally again I don’t know about anybody else, I like to think I am not!). I have loved seeing your content, it is giving me a lot to ponder. Today after work I had my first nap and let myself rest, inspired by you. I hope to be able to manage more like that, thank you 🙂

I have thoughts about the feeling unsafe to disclose to people because they might use it against me thing. I worried about this too. My main worry is physical safety as a small bodied female, but I worry less about my loved ones. I think this is because when I am connected to my body, I can tell when something is off. Even if I can't really put my finger on what it is, I have never been wrong about someone when I've trusted my gut. I hope I can learn to do this again. Somatic therapy is sorely needed.

Your channel is the most cathartic for me, you are so open it really helps. I must have a similar ASD profile.

Thank you so much for continued insights into your journey!! I’ve been thinking about pursuing a diagnosis so that others can take my self-diagnosis seriously… It’s a lot, though- I’m not any different, but it’s like the world has flipped right-side up, and I’m trying to get used to it. Anyway, best of luck as you move forward ❤❤

I am going through the unmasking process too, masking is not worth it for me, but it is a long process to find out how to unmask as a 31 year old after unconsciously masking. I have made a sensory scale of all my sensory triggers and a food diary to recognize my food sensory triggers. I have found it very useful to have something measurable to track what a good day intail and how I actively can make more good days and when to recognize I have reached my limit. 😊

I was recently diagnosed, and I thought I was high-masking. But the diagnosis process brought self-awareness to things I hadn’t noticed before, like how I look away from someone when I speak, but maintain intense eye contact when the other person is talking. So the awareness is almost making me try to mask more and not less, lol!

@corinthus406

3 ай бұрын

I do this same thing. I have to look at the side of their face or something - I get too distracted trying to act "normal" in terms of body language and eye contact to also think about what I want to say and how to communicate it so that the other person will understand. At least on Zoom calls and things like that, I can tab out so I don't have to be distracted by looking at people.

This is so relatable. You're somewhat fortunate in that you were evaluated recently. I was evaluated for the first time about 15 years ago, and it wasn't until recently that I've realized that the evaluator was hinting, in a not so subtle way, that I should get the other diagnoses evaluated and then try again because I'm definitely autistic. These days, there's much more awareness of what autism actually looks like for those that weren't diagnosed or identified earlier. In a sense, it's a bit easier for me because autism is less stigmatized that schizoaffective is, but it's still difficult. And I only got one friend, and his mother was a practicing psychologist before she retired.

Thank you so much for sharing all that you do. You have been such a huge part of me pursuing my assessment. I cant express how helpful you have been.

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

🥹❤️ all I hope for is to help others in situations similar to me, so I'm so happy to receive your comment. I hope your assessment process is a validating experience.

Great topic, and one I’ve been thinking about for months now. There’s a lot to learn and process on this subject.

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

Totally. It's a real slow burner.

Your candour is so helpful Charlie. I'm very glad I found your channel. I am at the beginning of my journey, although at 60 it was a bit of a shock that others felt I was autistic & I really was oblivious to the fact. Both my children are on the spectrum but it never occurred to me I might be the same as it would appear I am exceptionally good at masking. My challenge is at the moment I am saving for the assessment, which may take a long time, thus I am self diagnosed at this point. I've been way more conscious of my behaviours & have started noticing things I wouldn't have before. It's like peeling back an onion layer & finding something else underneath. I'm very overwhelmed with a good bit of fear &shame thrown in - childhood patterns have a lot to answer for! I hear you re: people using your diagnosis against you. I have found that when my sons were growing up, people could be incredibly unkind & look down upon them because they were "different". They were bullied nearly every day & had no friends. At least in my favour I am at the age where I really don't care what people think of me & both my sons are thriving 🙂I look forward to your next video & the self realization for myself that might follow.

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing your story! I am so happy to hear that your sons are thriving, and really hope that your journey of self-realisation is validating ❤ I hear you re shame, fear and overwhelm - it's an emotional battle much of the time, and I too feel like an onion!! Good luck getting to an assessment though know that you are so valid existing here as a self-diagnosed human 🥰❤

The thing I'm struggling with is that the word autism has been thrown around alot throughout my life, during childhood it was in the context of "she shows a lot of symptoms but she's a girl, so she'll grow out of it." It was used as a slur against me during my teens, and suggested to me by some professionals during teen and adult years, but I straight up rejected it, with force. I threw myself into the intensely damaging persuit of "proving" I wasnt autistic, even though deep down I've known all along that I was. I've given myself PTSD through situations I've thrown myself into just because it seemed like the opposite of what an autistic person would do, and associated with some very unsavoury people throughout that. I suppose masking was a special interest, and I honestly sucked at it lol. I feel a lot of guilt for the level of ableism I've had inside me throughout my life. I'm in the process of getting diagnosed now, and in the meantime, having some self-acceptance of my autistic identity. Self-compassion is important for our healing.

Thank you for sharing. It's a bit strange but I find myself identifying with how you describe your masking even if I don't have autism or adhd. I realize that I've been doing my own version of masking for a long time to hide how much I was struggling with my mental heath because of trauma, ptsd and burnout so that I could pretend to the people around me at work or when I saw my family (I live alone... no masking with my dog haha!) that I was doing ok. I was in survival mode and didn't want to worry them... also I think because I didn't know how to explain what was going on because I didn't even fully understand it. Very interesting!

Thank you for this raw and honest chat about masking! I'm embarking on a very similar path. Just diagnosed with autism prior to Christmas. I know I've been masking with eye contact, but don't really know how else I've been masking. Just hearing another woman talk about similar challenging and confronting issues is really reassuring and comforting. I'd imagine it takes courage to share your story so openly, so I'm grateful for that. Oh I bought the book Divergent Minds and gave some loop ear plugs a go based on one of your other videos. Blessings, Georgina 💛🦉🌻

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

Hi Georgina, I'm pleased my recommendations are coming in handy! I hope you're doing ok, I know how confusing and overwhelming the first few months after diagnosis can be ❤ I too was not sure how I was masking at the outset, and I'm still working it out, but it does start to make sense organically over time as our brains process the new information about ourselves we are receiving. Know that you, and I, are valid just as we are in this moment ❤

@georginashanti4605

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your reply! :) 💛💛💛

I - also being an Asperger (female) - personally believe that we feel more and more the need to ask in general (not only autistic people) because we leave are actual families to go out in the world to find new social circles and families with other sets of behaviours and ways of communicating that we try to adapt to. The rise of social media has made this even worse. Thinking an writing this makes me miss my family so much, I wish we were the way used to be, i just miss them so much

I hope you find peace.

Dear Charlie, thank you for your Video. Again you've helped me a lot with your words, I am curently going through the same problem, but couldn't find the words to describe how I feel. For my frinds and Family it is hard to understand whats going on and I can't communicate back, but I am sure, that the people, who love you will stay with you even If you "go weird" and demask. Thank you for helping all of us with that. Have a nice day and have a great bath ❤️ BW Meike

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching & sharing Meike. We'll get there. 🙏❤️

I have just had my diagnosis. I feel exactly how you feel.

@soulTraveller144

5 ай бұрын

Are you in uk.. if so how long did you wait.. si think i have waited 2 years and 8 months but im so burnt out it may be a year less.. im trying to remember..

@MCLamb1984

5 ай бұрын

@@soulTraveller144I am, I was on the waiting list for my assessment for two years and 2 months. I live in Cornwall for reference. If you’ve been on the waiting list this long and haven’t heard anything from them I highly recommend getting in touch with your local adult autism assessment team, they’re the ones that will be doing your assessment and they should definitely have been in contact by now. Mine contacted me a couple of months before I was near the top of the waiting list, to tell me that I was at the top of the waiting list. I hope you can get your assessment soon. It’s so important. It’s freeing for your mind. Much love

@MCLamb1984

5 ай бұрын

@@soulTraveller144Also I also will ask if you have moved in the last couple of years, or changed your email address or phone number? When I moved house one of the first things I did was write the adult autism assessment team an email to tell them my new address incase they needed to contact me. But I do think you need to send them an email at least to find out what’s going on.

i understand completely...are there any physical things you've learned not to do around others but that you've caught yourself doing if stressed? i'm learning myself and just starting to absorb more and more info on autism and i agree the masking part was hard for me to think about but i did identify physical things i do like pinch or flick my fingertips which i still do as an adult and have caught myself doing at work and then try to stop or hide it. also when i was young, i would lightly hit myself on the arms and legs which i learned not to do in front of anyone bc of the very strong reaction ppl had when i did it especially as i got older and older. but to start the "mask identification process" i've started doing that again and i find it's easy for me to like it even if i've somewhat outgrown it, i find that the repetitive motion and the physical stimulus i'm giving myself is somewhat calming or hypnotic which seems to me to be in line with autism. my reasoning is that if i try to resurrect things i've learned not to do, it may serve as a gateway into even more advanced masking that i might be doing. also i just realized this is an old video, you may no longer be at this stage anymore lol

Same thing. What is me and what is my mask. I have helped friends with problems with family and relationships, divorve and stuff like that.. I am very good at getting to the root of a problem. Even in relationships and psychology. But I somehow absorb the emotions involved. And they stick to me. And I need a lot of time to proces. And suddenly I cant do the most simple things any more and feel completely drained.

I feel like I'll be made fun of if I unmask. I'm worried people will think I'm pretending to be autistic if I let it all hang out so to speak. They believe the mask so much, as do I and to suddenly "act autistic " will be seen as the act and not the mask.

I was recently diagnosed with autism and adhd. I can't tell what is masked and what isn't.

I wonder if just not always smiling for so long when socializing would help? Not always making others feel comfortable etc. Like when the mask falls off its time to be tired and leave.

Can you explain a bit more what you mean when you say that it’s a privilege to be able to mask? Thank you 🙏🏻

@notesfrommybookshelf

Жыл бұрын

Not wanting to speak for Charlie as I’m sure she’ll have her own thoughts but for me, as someone who is excellent at masking it means I pass as neurotypical completely and am therefore not discriminated against in the work place or in social situations for instance!

@charlierewilding

Жыл бұрын

@@notesfrommybookshelf Yes, this! Externally I think I pass as a NT person in most situations so I haven't experienced overt discrimination or bullying. It doesn't mean I have not experienced difficulties in NT settings because I was undiagnosed ND (I have), but it does mean that I can more easily fly under the radar than those who cannot mask and therefore are more visibly 'different'. Whilst masking comes at a big cost (burnout, loss of identity etc), in a NT society it does also bring these privileges.

@lorwin4723985

Жыл бұрын

@@charlierewilding Thank you both for your answers! I’m undiagnosed and cannot tell with certainty that I’m autistic but I tend to see myself as a high masking person. I know that I’ve always been adapting my personality in any social situation. As a result everyone like me and see me as a - maybe - a little bit special but very kind person and I have been praised for my ability to speak with and make everyone feel comfortable. I’m now 32 and I’ve finally realised recently that it is actually ok not to be liked by someone and not be trying pleasing every single person on this earth. Until now I only saw the dark side of masking: I don’t have any idea who I’m and I feel stuck in life for this reason. On the top of that I also have realised that I’ve been constantly masking the fact that I have no glue of what I want in life because people for any reason don’t like to see someone not being able to express opinions. Masking my own mask is exhausting. With your comments I see now another side of masking, thanks for that!

😟

3:28... While I get what you mean that is just really odd phrasing for it seeing as even if something is part of your persona and not your authentic you, your persona is still a part of you so to say "which parts are me, and which parts are the mask" is a bit odd because the mask is a part of you, sure it may not be your authentic you, but it is still a part of you so really it should be "which parts are parts of my own emotions and feelings and logic and which parts are parts of my persona that I put on, a character, but still a part of me just not the authentic me". I was 37 years old before I learned that the things I had been stuggling with my whole life was called gender dysphoria and accepted my true self and I was 38 years old who only got diagnosed with autism after my second time having an extended stay in the hospital (first time was related to DV, second time was related to a hate crime being committed against me as I was leaving a LGBT+ supportive location)Does the fact I had to wear two different personas at the same time for 37 years make that first 37 years all just an act? No not at all because despite it being a combination of two different personas to hide my true self in more ways than one doesn't make that persona any less of a part of me. 37 years of putting on a character of my own creation to hide in plain site? Yeah no that character is very much a part of me even if it was mostly a lie because that character and that persona is was allowed me to survive until I could be my true self, if that persona didn't exist there is high odds that I would not have made it through and so I am going to take full credit for the persona allowing me to be safe until I was in a situation where allowing myself to learn about myself would be safe.

Masking is a stupid idea ! One should just try to make a convolution product of your autistic self with basics understood socials norms ! ( In case maths is not a good theme, This is, trying too mix everything in a kind of smooth and homogeneous version of all, namely an autistic person able to fit in society. "Loop effect"(this is being more likely to have such behaviors once established you may have them, hence constantly reinforcing a certain idea of a disorder) is a fearsome problem once diagnosed. I'd say, blame on the shameful communication about autism.) At worst, one would just reveal to be a goofy odd one. Also I've just seen this was one year ago. Anyway, Glad I've finally found a satisfying solution. Posting here if anyone needs it. LOL