Historically I always cringed at the thought of mixing multiple friend groups together. This explains why really well.

@batintheattic7293

9 ай бұрын

Ah.. Yes, but... Several years ago I started to feel like the answer to all my struggles would come when I was a 'one size fits all' type person. So I set about just the sort of integration that you outline. It sounds like the font of all contentment/serenity/peace, doesn't it? What a horrible mess! How swiftly the horrible mess accumulated! So now there is nobody because nobody was accepting of the other aspects of my personality. I think that part of the problem is that no part of me is particularly dominant. The battleground was too level. It was mutually assured destruction. Standing amidst the fallen, though, I think I may have realised that there was nothing about what other people wanted me for that was really me. To use a different analogy - I let the different elements cancel each other out. They had, somehow, become quite polarised and when I (literally - I think I did something with my Facebook profile and they all got some sudden insight into each other) finally dropped the barrier - what happened happened fast. The thing is - I really, really don't want to keep having to be something different to different people. Maybe, really, we are the atrium that links a periphery of individual (and distinctly different) rooms. We'd quite like to open a few doors and get a bit of a through draught going. We can't though - because in the Edwardian style room people are having afternoon tea and in the Baroque room there's some sort of ritual going on. They do not want to see each other! Atria, though, usually open to the sky? So it's not like there's no air in here... Just stay in here, then, and leave all the doors shut. What if it's one of those glass covered atria? Got a choice between exposure and suffocation. What to do.. What to do... Different day different room? I'm a blend, though. I can't ever be my true blended self? Evict the guests!!! Ah, but, it's their presence that gives the room most of it's identity (it's not all interior design). It's only relative to them that I even exist. Also, I have a son. I want to believe he's in the atrium with me. What if he is, and always has been, in one of the encircling rooms?

@VaronPlateando

5 күн бұрын

well... I'd agree with the idea, that camouflaging starts with, and implies, deliberately hiding or suppressing certain aspects of one's personality while (or not) pressing or even mimicking others roleplay-wise to fit into some social context. generally, I'd assume that social circles | friendships are always factored into by relative differences or even complementarity of those who belong, so in one circle, other qualities of oneself may make a relevant difference than in another, and be appreciated. whether various friends' circles mingle or not is an emergent complex issue, thus - though one may have related guesses.

I always thought camouflage was a life skill - reading the room and acting appropriately for the situation or people you're with.

@artstocker60

9 ай бұрын

Agreed. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family, and being sble to read the room was an important survival skill.

@galespressos

9 ай бұрын

Same here

@Shanice.1234

9 ай бұрын

Same

@Skuu

9 ай бұрын

I think it always is to some extent, neurotypicals camoflague as well, to the extent that their social situations require. Autism is just a whole other level where you're naturally operating different from the majority, or the dominant expected behaviours

@anteshell

9 ай бұрын

@@Skuu It's not really the same. In fact, not the same at all. For NT acting in socially acceptable and normative way is not draining the life force out of them. They don't have to work towards acting like the etiquette says and after the need for it is over, they don't have to be recharging their life force back into them for an insurmountable amount of time before the next similar event.

I felt myself a chameleon even before I knew about ASD and masking. After 59 years undiagnosed ASD ... I have almost zero sense of identity. I experience "self" as nothing more than a collection of learned behavirors, attitudes, speech patters, facial expression, body languages, etc. that I've borrowed from other people and cobbled together into a temporary "self". There is no "there" there to quote an aphorism. Now diagnosed at age 59 ... I idealistically embraced the idea of unmasking and dicovering my "true self". Sadly it's the same old sh&t why I masked in the first place. The ppl who can accept and love ASD person being authentic are few and far between. Most people just need you to mask or they will reject you. I struggle to do the self-awareness he teaches. It's nearly impossible for me ... but he's right ... I'm getting better at making boundaries so I can have a safe time to unmask and develop a true self.

@sarahferrell5458

9 ай бұрын

I’m 56. Can relate.

@T-Woman

9 ай бұрын

Very similar experience here. The circle of friends is really small, but they are true friends who know and love the real me. I'm far happier with quality over quantity.

@scruffy-thejanitor

3 ай бұрын

Same boat, you've put the experience so succinctly. It's depressing all on its own to try to see yourself and it feels like you aren't even there. Just a collection of processes cobbled into a human form. Then it feels pointless to do anything

So glad he talks about boundaries and recognizing what feels right or wrong for us. When you've been masking for so long, appearing normal becomes the priority and unconsciously you actually start to disregard your own needs and comfort. Then that becomes a habit.

This is the story of my life. I feel like a permanent blank slate who’s constantly looking to others to know what to do, be or say…… ASD on top of my trauma and dissociative selves ….. finding it very hard to know who I am and promote boundaries without freezing and or fawning ……. Keeping in trying 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

@jeph29

9 ай бұрын

This this and that ^^^

A few years ago, my wife was asking me these questions she had found online with the purpose of creating a deeper connection, and one of them was "what does your perfect day look like?". I don't remember what I said in the end, but I remember my mind starting to race and I started to panic. Everything I thought of I would just question things like "is that actually true? Is that what I'm supposed to say? Will she be OK with this?". I couldn't come up with a legitimate answer, even to myself. That really stung for a while. How I could I be so clueless about what I really want? I've been calling myself a chameleon for most of my life. It's gotten so bad that I've even caught myself unintentionally copying people's accents many times. I've come to accept many things about myself, but being able to honestly identify what I want (and not what I SHOULD want) is something I desperately need to figure out.

@bubbiccino

9 ай бұрын

😅😅 I do the accent thing too! Hella awkward 😓 Having had to cater to society’s standards to avoid punishment/shunning has made this chameleon behavior quite devastating to self-development 😑

@heedmydemands

9 ай бұрын

Yeah knowing what i want is hard

@pipwhitefeather5768

8 ай бұрын

I can so relate to that! I have no idea what my perfect day would be, well I think I'm getting there now. For me it was the question 'what do I love to do?' It was many things none of which I currently do! finance is a part of it. It was shocking non the less. Good luck with digging out and integrating yourself from under all the layers x

@benh6452

4 ай бұрын

I hear you I feel the same way

@dianavp9054

3 ай бұрын

Personal questions and the panic. Yep. Don't ask me personal questions, because I just don't know. Ask me about something not me and i'll have an opinion, if I care about it.

You have just literally blown my mind and probably gone a long way to confirming something for me... 3 months ago my GP wanted me to chat with her colleague who has worked with autistic people before because my anxiety and depression hasn't really changed much since 2019 after that chat and at aged 51 I was put straight on to the NHS diagnosis waiting list....... 2 weeks ago I posted a kind of cryptic update to Facebook with a random picture saying here is my latest selfie without any context that nobody really understood....... That picture I chose was a Chameleon because it describes how I have felt all of my life better than any words could ever do but never knew why I feel this way..... Now as I'm learning a lot more about autism I have many light bulb moments and flashbacks to situations from my past now and I really do think I will soon have an answer for my lifelong unanswered question.... Does everyone feel like that or is it just me? ......

@bubbiccino

9 ай бұрын

A lot of people can relate I think 😅 That’s why we’re all scrambling to find out more about ourselves from autistic influencers/content creators we can find.

@Skuu

9 ай бұрын

Definitely feel this way. I think I knew a lot about how I was different from others before realising I was autistic, but those thoughts weren't concrete, were disconnected, and I felt a lot of that behaviour was bad in some way. So now I'm slowly working out which parts of me are autistic, and how I can slowly be more open and confident with them

@Mama_T_448

9 ай бұрын

Totally relate! Also 51 and discovering a whole new world. Soooo many things make waayyyy more sense, my younger years especially. And how I managed to raise a neurodivergent (chameleon) child to the age of 25 before anyone picked it up..lol well of course I thought they were totally "normal" they are just like me! Good luck with this new adventure friend 😊

@carlaharvey7910

9 ай бұрын

I do as well.

@nee-na6874

9 ай бұрын

Yes I totally relate, I am 67 and got clarification last year that I am on the spectrum and it completely explained my entire life to me and my mind was also blown 🤯 But I also have an autistic teenage grandson with whom I am very involved and grateful to have in my life because we have always understood each other and because of him I found out about myself. I say better late than never even though I have chosen to take my ND knowledge and trying to reflect, respect, and reframe my life (and that's a very long, complicated, traumatic, difficult, painful life that I've experienced). However, now I am trying very diligently to be my AUTHENTIC self and not a chameleon. It is challenging and I live very remotely (not by choice) so I don't get out in public very much, but I am still trying the best I can. Merci beaucoup to Paul for making these extremely interesting, informative and helpful videos. There are people out there who understand us and help us to believe we have a chance.

And here I thought I was a little bit dissociative about all those different personalities

This has been a long-standing issue for me. I started to become aware of my tendency to act like a chameleon in my late teens and early 20s as I pushed myself to socialize more, and now in my 30s, the lack of a sense of self has become a huge block from establishing any sort of confidence or to get any really contentment out of my life because, basically, I don't know what I"m "supposed" to be doing. I need to start making choices for myself and I can't.

@lelemon13

9 ай бұрын

Just try everything to find out what you really like. This is the indicator to help you know which one you really like: The thing that you like will be like a crazy addiction. It will keep on flooding your mind with ideas, filling your heart with joy and whenever you’re doing it, you’ll find that “this is my element. This is my nature.” At some point it will block your mind from thinking about something else before you managed to test and do the ideas that’s flooding your head. And once you did it, there will be a feeling of great satisfaction. Once you found out about this, you will know what you’re supposed to doing. It will be your guiding star. Keep trying to find it and good luck!

@bubbiccino

9 ай бұрын

Maybe don’t push yourself to make all the choices just yet. Observe how you feel about things first; perhaps do a trial version if possible. What makes you happy and feel safe is most important! When you’re ready to go past your comfort zone, do so at your own pace. Always take care of yourself and remember that even people who think they know themselves might realize they were wrong and change late in their lives. There are many instances in which this is the case. A lot of people are pressured by society and lose sight of themselves. Now that we have the tools and more people speaking out, things are just a little bit clearer 😊

@sadpacman3290

9 ай бұрын

@@lelemon13 so honest question: I ask myself what I want to do and it's sit down and play whatever video game I'm hyperfocused on. I have gotten good at taking care of myself and my apartment, but I still mainly play games. I don't know if that's OK or healthy, you know?

@bluehair0476

9 ай бұрын

@@sadpacman3290 I probably understand very much what you mean. I started watching a really useful youtube-Channel 9 month ago which helped me soo much: HealthyGamerGG with Dr.K. I think Paul is spot-on: all starts with practicing self-awareness. Just observe with curiosity and without judement.

@Skuu

9 ай бұрын

Rewatch the part of the video where he talks about feeling like you 'can't'. You can learn how to do this, you can get better at it, with practice. It's a skill.But at the same time it's ok to feel that you can't right now, and to have sympathy for how hard it is, and the challenges ahead.

I used to camouflage a lot. But it always led to major melt downs. After my last meltdown, which nearly killed me, I decided to be a lone for a while and write out all my stories. I filled up nearly twenty notebooks over three years with stories from my past. I tried to be objective and honest with how I told the stories. I looked not at what happened to me but how I reacted to things. I noticed the trends and patterns that came up over and over again until I finally figured out who I am. Now I know who I am and I feel like I've lost the ability to mask. It's a bit of a pain as I have a much harder time keeping jobs and dating people but I am genuinely happier and infinitely stronger.

For me Diagnosis plus smoking a lot of weed gave me a sense of self, after 28 years having no clue.

Learned that skill when very young, by around age six maybe, survival, and helpful to relieve other people from confusion.

Yep.. this is me. In my experience when I have shown myself it just causes problems.

I've masked and camouflaged throughout my entire life to the point of it being apart of who I am.

This 👏👏 I struggled to integrate all the different sides of myself and often found at least one person annoyed and suspecting me of being “fake.” I always thought in response, doesn’t everyone show various sides of themselves to others? The answer is yes…but not necessarily how I did it. I became hyperaware when young and compartmentalized which side was “okay” to let out based on who I interacted with and knew was “safe” to show a particular part of my personality. All of them are me, but no one will ever get to see all of them unless they are “safe” for all situations where those sides would feel “okay” to appear. People did not take well to the amount of enthusiasm I showed, so I had to “reel it in.” Really, they were telling me to stop and be demure…but that’s not what the life of someone who’s AuDHD looks like! It was never “safe” to be seen anywhere/anytime in official settings, so I masked and camouflaged…and as you mentioned in the previous video, I have major and chronic burn out. I have a decent amount of self-awareness, and it is what led me to quickly realize I began to lose touch with how my mind experienced the world vs my body. It was jarring and upsetting, but it is something I still try to repair with difficulty to this day. (The key is to be safe enough to heal…but if there is nowhere and no time that one feels safe, there will be no way to work on that.) Speaking of repulsed/low energy 😅 I was trained to ignore all my emotional responses and just endure. Boundaries are only ever crossed. So now I just get triggered and experience internalized meltdowns all the time 😑 For everyone who is safe but feeling lonely and still struggling, take care and breathe! The journey is long and tough, but you are worth it! The tips in the video are definitely the way to go. Being cognizant/training that skill is so important in the journey to find validation and one’s identity again 😊 Thanks for the video, Paul. Hope you’re doing well too ❤️

@Dezzyyx

9 ай бұрын

Not sure if you still need it or if you are managing but Julia Christina on KZread is gonna be a life saver for people experiencing what you are speaking of, as it was for me. Peace

@fayfay961

9 ай бұрын

This is exactly why I mask and why I find the advice to stop doing it so confusing. Obviously I only started masking because my true self wasn't acceptable to others. In high school I had a close group of girlfriends and we all put together a kind of scrapbook, with photos and memories and writing, there was a part where we all wrote something that sounded like what the others might say. On my page, there was one line that I felt so shocked and hurt by. It was this picture of me and the bubble text coming out of my mouth was "Who am I going to be today?" I didn't say anything to anyone because I didn't know how to express that I felt hurt from this jokey book, but more than hurt I felt confused. Because I never thought of myself as "Fake" at all. I never got up in the morning and thought I'd "try on" a different personality. I just behaved differently at different times with different people. Because I have different sides to my personality like everyone else. I don't know ... I'm going to take the advice from the video, but it's just really hard.

@bubbiccino

9 ай бұрын

@@fayfay961 Only unmask if it is safe to do so. Usually the videos mention this 😮 As I mentioned in my comment, you need time/space that is safe to use this kind of advice. If you’re not in a safe place yet, you won’t be able to use it properly. Getting away is the first step. If you already have supportive people around you at home/school/work/anywhere you spend a lot of time at (and you’ve shared info about your autism), you can let them know and try unmasking there. Otherwise, if you’re tired of masking, you can try reducing the amount by spending less time in spaces/occasions that require it. Just remember to do what feels comfortable for you! Advice can be taken/left, and when you take it should be when you feel you can properly receive/use it.

Take it from an olde brother: your self is a unique individual capable of wanting to associate with a lot of individuals who are in varying groups. I believe that IS part of what we experience. I started to distance myself from being a chameleon 20 plus years back in my 40s, but still over stress about it. As a key to get by and even to prosper socially, I found that if I approached every diverse group with a desire not do much to please, but to help or serve them, I used LESS resources (but still had to go rest afterwards) than otherwise. Takes me out of me head, helps others, win win. And every bit I just drop masking and CHOOSE to not care about opinions - to let go the terrible pain of rejection - and focus my part as best I can at the time, the better! Not judging myself or overthinking others judgements from me life if hurts… I ramble. It is getting late in Texas… 🌝 Me brother, brilliant video as usual! If I slapped my head for e we very sentence which strikes my deep heart. I’d give myself an aneurism! 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️!

@goatsandroses4258

9 ай бұрын

I like what you've said, and I think I understand what you mean. If we let ourselves, as our authentic selves, focus on helping and serving others, then we use less energy than if we expend so much effort in keeping up a mask. I give historical programs, and keeping up a mask of being happy, bubbly, and excited is a LOT of work! It takes hours to recover. I think what you said about learning not to worry about others' opinions (to a degree) is important, too. There's no way to please everyone, anyway. Trying to do that is a losing battle. While there are certainly social norms we need to follow, trying to be who we're not is completely exhausting.

I talk just like him. I look in the air like that while I process talk and thinking at the same time. I didn’t know I did until my ex-boss noticed of me. At the time, he said he noticed smart people do that. 😂

@karenclarke1778

9 ай бұрын

I think he’s probably reading his notes

I remember noticing as a teen that I found it difficult to bring different friends together, I was freaked out and didn't know what to do. It was because I've always given folks what THEY want. I can fit in anywhere (except loud places) easily and I think it is because I always assess what everyone else is doing, the social code. I really didn't recognise this until this year at 52 yrs old, not diagnosed, but finally understanding what 'my problem' has been all these years. Thanks Paul, you express these experiences very well.

No wonder I love being all alone - the only time I can hear to talk to myself!

One Saturday at age 7 or 8, I took myself down to a restaurant parking lot that was full of wedding cars. They had coloured crepe paper all over them. I sat myself down beside one and proceeded to tear off different coloured pieces and stick them into a couple of jars full of water that I'd brought along with me. This was so I could watch the water change colour... transform from pale to deep jewel tones. Only one colour per jar.... I wanted pure colours Then I brought the jars home and sat them on the grass in the back yard so I could see the colours in bright sunlight. I don't know where the idea came from. It's something I decided to do as soon as I saw that crepe paper in the parking lot. I know my parents knew something was different about me because most of the time I kept myself as invisible as possible. They often tried to get me to open. up. My mother commented on the jars when I got home, but not in a surprised or critical way. As I look back, my parents were low-key and gentle with me when I was acting especially peculiar, which happened on many other occasions. I was deeply aware of their responses to people, especially me. As an adult I became an artist. My favourite artist is Matisse, a specialist in colour. Now I'm 75 and newly self-diagnosed autistic a couple of years ago. I'm having fun determining how my mind latched on to my special interests. Colour and athletics, especially swimming. As for anything else, like houses, clothes, even people, even husbands! I didn't have a clue what I wanted or what would work for me.

I have developed many personalities, and I have never been told to hide anything I did from other's since 1963!!! I used to hate when older people asked; "If life was a joke to me???" I would correct them and say; "No!!! Life IS, a joke to me, and Yes, there is nothing in it as serious as you..." I used to mask to do a news program in the 1970's, but, I became the voice of; "Bud Walnut!!!" So, I don't really consider that a mask. Thank you for the programs. I know what and who I am, now your giving me words to describe myself.

Yes to all of this! I have been a chameleon all of my life. It has its benefits -- I have positive relationships with virtually everyone in my universe. It also has its costs -- while I gravitate towards hanging out with people in my life who "make me" into someone I like being, occasionally I have to spend time with people who "turn me" into someone I don't particularly like to be (e.g., crass and loud -- not, like, murderous or anything, haha). It is a weird (and for me, completely unconscious) phenomenon. As others have mentioned, it makes hanging out in groups EXTREMELY challenging (and often chaotic/disastrous). Thank you for the strategies! I always learn so much from your videos. You are appreciated ❤.

@Owlbutterfly

9 ай бұрын

This is my wish !!!! 😢

@Owlbutterfly

9 ай бұрын

I NEED that

I didn't understand this video at first, but became quite uneasy at how much of myself I recognised in it. Very interesting.

Keeping my (wildly different) friend groups separate from each other was such a huge topic in my early 20s! I have always identified with chameleons and their ability to camouflage and adapt. It was sometimes nice, like I got to explore all different facets of myself. But in the end, I was always looking to find the true me. Also why Taylor Swift’s Mirrorball resonates with me, specifically this line: “I’m a mirrorball, I can change everything about me to fit in” 🥺

@katyoduinn3452

8 ай бұрын

Mirrorball is the best song I've ever heard about female masking.. and such a beautiful song. I'm not sure Taylor meant it this way, but I do wonder if she herself is autistic and an extreme masker....

@katyoduinn3452

8 ай бұрын

That degree of song writing prolificness and skill surely can only come from a special interest level of engagement with her craft....

My kindergarten teacher reported to my parents back in 1958 that I was aloof (her exact word, I still have the report card!), but I didn't get diagnosed with ASD (and ADHD) until I was 65. I genuinely don't know if I've been masking my whole life, or if I know how to be a chameleon. I've never paid much attention to what others think of me, so I don't think I've ever put much effort into blending in. Or, maybe I've done it for so long that I don't realize that I'm doing it all the time? There must be other Aspies out there who can't be bothered to mask. Right?

@---Free-Comics---IG---Playtard

9 ай бұрын

Aligning with others' likeness is something I'm not only into but, weary of, in others or potential friends. I find it disingenuous. I'd rather just hang out and be myself - as awkward as it may be. Socializing itself is tiresome enough.

@artemis7798

9 ай бұрын

I'd love to be able to fit in, but I've never adequately figured out how; I just don't know what they want me to say, do, or look like. For this reason, I think I don't mask. People tell me to "relax," and stop being awkward. I have heard "just be yourself" so many times. If I were any more myself than I already am, they'd really see awkward. My brother is a chameleon, though. He finds it useful, but stressful to maintain.

@heedmydemands

9 ай бұрын

That does seem like a strange way to describe a kindergarten kid

@katyoduinn3452

8 ай бұрын

​@heedmydemands I was called a snob as a kid, for saying that the kids who bullied me and I struggled to make friends with were all idiots. To be fair it was a sweeping statement, but better than me internalising that I (then an undiagnosed autistic kid) was the problem... I was diagnosed at 41

I have always felt proud of the fact that I could morph myself to fit into whatever situation I was in at the time, even so far as to (unconsciously) imitate the vernacular of the person(s) I was speaking with. Now I know why I did it! I saw myself as playing various parts, each one a facet of the total gem; I never had trouble recognizing or being my true self, only being careful to show that true self to those I trusted would understand. Rather than a chameleon, I prefer to think of myself as an octopus. Chameleons only change color; octopuses change their very shape to match or to camouflage themselves as necessary.

Sometimes discernment is appropriate and that doesn't mean I'm compartmentalised but rather wise.

There are times I really want to blend in to my surroundings, mostly surroundings consisting of people, but there have been times I certainly want to stand out.

Thank you for the very helpful video. I am 55 and have currently been waiting a year and a half for an official diagnosis. I only became aware of my Autism and ADHD, when my 21 year old nephew came to stay with me and my missus for a week last year. He has been diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD and PDA. It soon became abundantly clear to me that I was in fact so similar to him in so many ways, that it was striking. I do not need the diagnosis in order to confirm what I now know to be true, but would be glad to have it officially acknowledged. Your video struck a chord with me because I had masked so well, and at such an early age, that I did not even know or suspect anything myself. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since, but I am determined to finally be allowed to stop the exhausting process of always playing a part or an expected social role. I feel as though my whole life has been a sham and a fake, and it is only now that I can truly come out as Nature intended. I have no wish whatsoever to fit in with the current social norms, as I have been forced to do so my whole life. I have always seen the neuro typical or norms of society to be a form of mass insanity, and it is somewhat of a relief to now know why this is the case. I have considered myself to be more akin to a kind of social octopus that can not only use camouflage, but can assume any form. In the spirit of autistic over sharing, here is a wee poem I wrote. Get real. Who the hell am I? But the lie that had become my norm. A pantamorphic personality. I can be whatever you need me to be. Now the truth has been revealed. And now I am a mystery to my self. In my head there rages a storm. How to be me? I want to be real. I am tired of playing the fake. I am coming out, like it or not. I am the true self that you denied and forgot. So I will no longer conform to please. I have lost so much time. Fifty five, and only just reborn. Friends and family lost. It has come at a terrible cost. Learning to be me at last. Knowing is just the starting point. ‘Know the self’ is the key. Finally the blindfold has been removed. Time to be me.

Wow, this video hit me. I've moved around a lot and each time I moved to a new country, I would recreate myself. It would be to the point, where the past me was dead. In doing so, I slowly realised that I actually do have no idea of who I really am. I often feel like only a reflexion of those around me.

I’m 65 and I KNOW who I am. Quite comfortable with myself almost all the time. Some social occasions are off putting, especially with extended family. Being the “weird one” gets old. I’m friendly and non judgmental, how am I so wierd ??

@bubbiccino

9 ай бұрын

Maybe being nonjudgmental is “weird.” That’s what I learned in interactions with neurotypical peers 😅 Ready to befriend others/welcome others into your group with open arms is apparently a big no-no. A lot of cliques start this weird hierarchy/strange requirements to join. And they let in all sorts of real weirdos/malicious people instead of the harmless. It’s a real mystery why the self-sabotage, I say 😓

@Elodie_N_INTJ_Analyzes

9 ай бұрын

You know your personality type (MBTI) your 8 cognitive functions, enneagram, tritype...? Few people "know" really who they are, because there is always a part of mystery.

@heedmydemands

9 ай бұрын

​@@Elodie_N_INTJ_Analyzesmystery is enticing

I've been a chameleon for so long that I lost it very soon at the beginning of the pandemic cuz I could'nt do anything without anyone to help me fine-tune what I wanted or should do. Even with other autistic people I tend to find one person I can somehow mimic because my sense of self is so weak it's scary. Thanks for making that video that reassure me I'm not alone.

Am I actually lucky that I don’t have much ability to be a chameleon? My mask is definitely more of a camouflage, partly because I’m naturally quiet and shy, and partly because I’m not good at figuring out how to fit in. I have realised that the beach is the place to wear a bikini and church is the place to sing hymns, not the other way around, but apart from that, I’m pretty much “me” all the time because I have no choice.

This has been such a relevant part of my life lately! After realizing I am (probably) autistic, I got to learn about unmasking and it clicked for me that unmasking in my relevant relationships is key to making them functional! I often come across as a pretty composed, kinda cold and quiet person, but when I unmask I‘m actually more like an open book and bubbly. I‘ve been noticing that it doesn‘t just make my friendships better, but it also makes me happier because I use less energy in social situations!

Thank you. I wish I had watched this twenty years ago... Thank you.

This is how I managed 15 years in the army, could talk to anyone from a hardcore 4wd and fishing nut to a governor general or a senator, and still haven't figured myself out yet

I am in my 50s and just realizing that I'm neuro-divergent, and a big part of this is finally realizing that... I have no idea who I actually am when I'm not around other people -- or what it is that *I* want out of life outside of doing what is expected of me. Understanding these things is at once liberating and frightening... but this video -- and your channel -- are very helpful!

I tend to blend in like a chameleon even when I'm not trying to blend in like a chameleon.

This resouce is incredibly helpful. As someone who has been forced to mask very highly all my life, it can be such a confusing, empty prison. This is a great step to break free and live. Thank you so much

Came to watch a video before I fall to sleep 🛌 bedtime here in Wales uk saw this is about to start, perfect ❤

@MrGbkristian

9 ай бұрын

Was in Wales last week. Loved it

Being a chameleon has been my go-to coping strategy to deal with social situations from my early teens to my late twenties, then I got tired of "pretending to be normal" and started accepting myself for what I am, whatever that might be. The trouble with trying to describe/pigeonhole myself into a few nice little categories for people to think they understand me isn't that I don't know who I am, but just that most people don't care enough to really know someone beyond superficial interests and those can shift dramatically over time for me. Lately, if someone presses me into answering that question, I'll either give a quick uninteresting answer to move on the subject or give a troll answer to confuse the person and check their reaction, so I can gauge if they're really interested, depending on my mood and whether it is or isn't an awkward situation to do that.

Oh I like how you point out we can have different facets of personality as apposed to constantly adapting your behavior out of fear of consequences or not fitting in.

My ability to chameleon has caused me to find things I really liked. There was always some point when I wasn't around certain people as much or maybe I just needed to be more "me" and needed to integrate these new things so I could have more time and energy for other things I'm into. I think I definitely have and had trouble knowing "who I am" or "being myself" and with masking in various ways but I also have had an ability to integrate and pull on at times for various aspects of me. When to know it's more appropriate to show these aspects at more socially acceptable times is another cup of tea lol. I guess this makes me feels better about my masking and integrating. I'm glad in my own ways I have integrated a bit. fyi my name on youtube is a derivative of a nickname I got from my integration, I was known for awhile as the "metalhead hippy".

I probably was a chameleon until I turned 30 or so. It's one of the thing that made me suspect I was on the spectrum and made me read and research autism. I was doing things to fit in the groups and not always because I wanted or enjoyed it in the end. Almost 10 years later now I know who I am and I don't try to change myself to fit anymore, even if people could find me awkward. I also learned to say no if I don't want to do something or don't have the energy for it.

I have never been a chameleon *because* I don’t have a strong sense of self, so I don’t understand what to change and how. For example, I have never understood the view that people are different online from real life, as I haven’t been.

I have no boundaries 😭

Absolutely - ALL of these facets are who you are! It is a great skill to limit trying to give an innocent bystander ALL of who you are and what has transpired and is therefore "new". It is also how to shorten greetings and small talk into socially accepted chunks. When you have an incredible brain, as you learn what others think, you realize that their input and processing is in the range of what their system is running, Sometimes people really do only think when yhey stop and think. I often remind myself to revel in our differences. Im old enough to do what is iniquely me. The question is, how old will you be when you finally be you?

Woah this topic is 🤯 mind blowing ! It has me thinking 🤔 . I mean for me this is very deep. I haven’t always been aware of my feelings but recently I started to pay more attention and now after watching your video Paul it makes sense to me ! 😂😢 Thank you soo much. I behave a certain way at work around two people, but the minute one of them leaves the room I behave more like myself. The way I behave depends on who I’m with, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be myself no mater who I’m with..provided that I behave appropriately of course. I mean I’m not going to start picking my skin for example I might do a lesser stem though. Thanks again Paul . 🙏🏼❤️

This is just what I need! I'm so done camouflaging. 😢

Thank you. May God bless you!

This compartmentalizing, showing different sides, I thought this is something everyone does. I mean, I dream of being able to make clones of myself so that they are all able to work alongside each other, each one of me concentrating on a certain part of my life, like the children or work or watching videos, and I would be able to hop from one clone brain to another to experience that part of my life to my linking. And when I am fed up with everything I can just be inside, having to see, hear, speak noone and just think things. The huge difference that my life would just go on, and not break together when I am basically not available, so to speak. But in the end, as we are all linked together brainwise, something telepathic-like, I would always know everything that happened even if I was not there personally. Does that make sense? I thought a lot of people could relate to that, but so far, nobody would really bring up something like that. It was more along the lines of "if I win a lottery, I might get a room cleaner".

"my lets-unpick-the-big-questions-of-the-universe-friends" ok now I'm gonna start using that term lol. PS: Funny how you used writing Kanji as an example, which is what I'm kind of practicing right now. Needed to hear that

I ran in to an old friend and forgot "how I used to be with her" this is something that lead to my asd diagnosis

Thank you for your videos

For me… I’ve always been an “octopus” 🐙 now I can use Chameleon as language for others to understand 🤷🏽‍♀️

I feel like the more we communicate boundaries effectively the less burnout!😊all starts with first knowing what we actually like LoL

😮 I never thought about it this way! Very helpful! I was called chameleon since childhood and I definitely feel like one. I am a pro to a point where this is the question I ask myself " Who am I, who is the reall me" and I am never able to answer. All my life struggling with identity. I recall situations from what I learned to be a certain type of person in different environments or what people expect me to be. Maybe I actually am all these different "personalities" I just " use" or see them as separate instead as whole 🤔. Very interesting though!

Totally get what you’re saying. I’m a chameleon, having to mask according to the situation…..doesn’t always work though and I have meltdowns because I’ve pushed myself over the edge or felt pressured by others

There seems to be quite an overlap and misdiagnosis between Autism, c-ptsd and borderline (even NPD and ASPD) and I'm starting to see why since "masking" is often a kind of trauma response children learn as an adaptation strategy when they are unable to, firstly subconsciously, intuit and secondly logically interpret the social rules of the environment they are brought up in. Perhaps it comes from a developmental delay in the child but perhaps it could just as easily, and more common than we think, be a lack of empathic mirroring from adult(s) to child, or a lack of consistency and structure in the "social" environmental rules, signals, emotions and boundaries. Being raised in a family system and an environment that is not focused on and attuned to the childs developmental needs becomes "toxic" to the child who has to put on a (gas)mask just to cope and survive. This mask then becomes a part of the childs identity and the longer the mask is worn, often far into adulthood depending on how well "adjusted" the mask is to the environment, the harder it becomes to differentiate and individuate the mask from the True Self.

Thank you very much. Very well constructed and clever. It’s a little scary to hear such an accurate description of my internal working, even if living on my own for a couple of years helped me with that. Kudos

I discovered I was autistic almost two years ago at the age of 51, after completing the online test and answering the questions honestly rather than considering what others would expect me to say. When I took the Myers Briggs twenty years ago, my results were ENTJ. I'm an INFJ. Still struggling with connecting with what truly makes me happy, and how to fit in with my family as we are like chalk and cheese.. they are not keen on me expressing my authentic self and it's hard to know the difference between being polite for a social occasion or warping myself to fit in with the majority rule. One day I will find a balance between the two!

@a_aysh

9 ай бұрын

MBTI is not a reliable test anyways

I really appreciated this video! Thank you! I want to add a little bit of nuance that I think people might find useful in terms of where to direct their energy for healing and self-improvement. I think the starting point of self-awareness practice makes a lot of sense and is really great; it starts at a place where you can begin to really affirm yourself and become more centered. However, I've been reading this book recommended to me by my ex girlfriend (a licensed therapist) called The Body Keeps The Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, which I think has some potentially complicating information for this process you've outlined. Basically, for anyone who has endured a significant amount of trauma in their life, symptoms of ptsd can make it so that checking in with oneself about these preferences and sensations can be really tough. As I understand it, someone with PTSD or C-PTSD is likely in a state where their body is basically "stuck" trying to process that earlier trauma. As a result, where that person might be hyper-aware in some ways, looking for some imminent threat or potentially being triggered by something relevant to that trauma, it might be more difficult to actually properly connect with their body to notice some of these other things. I guess I kind of view it as a block that can get in the way of this work you've described. I'm most of the way through this book, and it's helped me potentially identify a type of therapy I think I'm going to be looking for in the future, so I thought it might be able to help people here, especially if they're having challenges with this. It may be worth doing some research into other factors that may hurt your ability to even begin this kind of work. Also want to say that I'm definitely not an expert on psychology or any kind of therapy, so I could be wrong. I'm probably going to keep reading about a lot of different stuff in that area though to round out my understanding. It's kind of become a bit of a special interest of mine as of late. I hope this helps someone though!

In addition, the consequences of masking always seems to catch up to me. One might say that I’m a Karma Chameleon. Real talk, though, great video. I actually don’t have a strong sense of self and I try not to sweat it too much but it’s a little confusing. People have said I can just be myself in conversation, but I actually don’t think I want to be verbal most of the time, so I gotta do something.

When someone offers me a drink, I always ask what they've got, then they list off a dozen different choices which overwhelms me so I stick to boring coffee or tea! THEN I wished I asked for something else like hot chocolate with marsh mellows lol!

This was very helpful and important for me to see! Thanks

I'm really appreciative of Paul's videos, but also all the comments shared in the comments section... the lived experiences many of you share, and the relatability of same, has been one of the most helpful aspects of this journey of personal reflection and discovery... so thanks to you all who have commented on any of Paul's vids, and shared what you've experienced. Adds depth and context and meaning to much of what Paul is explaining, and I appreciate it a lot. My experience of growing up in my family, school, then work and relationships... has always been a constant effort to try to behave "appropriately"... in what I say, how I dress, how I act... how I carry my body and face, how I use my voice... all my life, my parents or teachers or friends or partners, have pulled me up and had to have little 'talks' with me about "how [I] make others feel"... and it's fair enough, the last thing I want is to make anyone feel uncomfortable or upset. So I appreciate that, too... ... but this whole 'appropriate' thing was always some kind of mystery, so vague and undefined and idiomatic... and I guess I learned a few 'chameleon tricks' over the years so I wouldn't draw too much attention to myself or be disruptive to others... ... so now, at age 42, to begin to understand myself and these tendencies and subsequent adaptations and learned behaviours, through the paradigm of 'masking and camouflaging'... as something which is not necessarily desirable and can be harmful in the long-term (and has shown itself to be unsustainable medium and long-term due to shutdown and burnout)... at least, not in the ways that I've been masking/camouflaging to date... there may be better and more energy-efficient ways to 'be appropriate' than I've had access to so far, and that's why I find videos like this give me a little hope that it's not all set in stone... ... but, it's all rather confusing at this point to know who I am, who I wish to be... what I want and need, and what I don't. I guess it takes time and awareness and mindfulness to parse out 'who you are', and separate that from 'who I've been' thus far, as a long-term masker/chameleon who never even realised that's what I was doing. My head hurts. Thanks again for the videos, Paul... and to all the commentors who have shared a bit of themselves. ❤

Thank you so much for this video. I needed to see this. You're offering me so much hope. 💜

Actually sometimes understanding that there are people that have similar struggles with you is the biggest help. You made feel not alone and ready to practice becoming better at it

Thanks for this

Thank you so much Paul for making this video! You perfectly describe me, in the context that I am a chameleon. I am learning so much about myself from your videos!

Love This Video 🙏🏼

Love this thank you!!!

Super helpful video - thank you - very much appreciated.

This is a great video, I plan to watch it again too. Some of this stuff I had began (I have an interest in emotional intelligence and psychology too, and was told I wore a mask before, so I started to focus on this stuff). Like integration, finally accepting all the parts of me... and recognizing some of them that weren't really me or didn't fit/I didn't want anymore. The part that caught my eye most was how the inside should be projected on the outside. This is where I need to keep working at it the most, I think. To share/interact with others within healthy boundaries too. Thanks for this!

This was so helpful for me thank you

This was very helpful. Thank you. This makes a lot of sense for me. I have some work to do, but feel very positive about it.

This bringing parts of yourself in alignment with yourself, sounds a lot like the Mirror Exercise I do everyday. (not literally looking at a mirror, lol) because you're finding the parts you feel separate from back to one whole and then your reality will match that automatically. :)

You are a very good teacher!

Absolutely relate to what you wrote

By the way I was stricken by the character Caracole from the sci-fi French book « La Horde du Contrevent ». This guy wears a sweater made up of many cloth pieces sewed together. A piece from each people he met in his life, which began as an adult for what I remember. He’s literally a construct of little bits of people he met and liked.

I have no idea who I am. Been masking/camouflaging over 30 years. Trying to unmask is ripping me apart.

@marymegrant1130

9 ай бұрын

Please follow your own good judgement on living your best life. Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you❣️

Very very good video. Also, another exercise that can be helpful is to think back to past situations (as many of us do) and think "Did I really want to do that or not?" With time, a lot of "shoulds" melt away as you see that you neither wanted to do a thing, nor did it have any benefit to your life.

Living legend

I wore so many masks, most of them became characters I used to draw all the time. Some of them I even made a band with and we are working on an album and comic book but it sorta lead me to wonder if I had DID ^^;;; ( It's exhausting having 4 mask always active in my head ; I guess that's how the Power Ranger 'S Mega Zord with all the rangers talking decision in its head lol )

Thank you for putting up with the difficalt lightning for your amazingly well done videos. may you find a way to get the lighting you want with out all the pain.

That hit me badly a couple of years ago when I realized what I have been doing all my life

I haven't seen the video yet, but I can't help but say "Huh, funny that you ask. It so happens that when my last employer administered the Predictive Index personality test, I was identified as a chameleon!"

I had this tough guy with their muscles around me once that somehow knows everything about me.

Loved it! I dont know who I am!!

I don't think im a chameleon. But i haven't been around people without survival mode in a long time.

Hi just saying name change has made it so I'm able to see more of your information it was making me to sad before

@user-fi7gf2nb9g

9 ай бұрын

Just saying super think you was a hiccup in my brain it was rough and I knew you had good stuff

Love the content and the message. Really don’t like the sound effects. I’m not sure if others feel the same. It’s sensorily intrusive. Just a little feedback.

i think I’m a chameleon because i adapt my personality for other people (it’s like a mix of a part of me and what you would like) and if someone asks me what i want in a diverse situation (like if everyone takes water i will too) i say nothing to not bother and I don’t listen to my body to not draw any unwanted attention. Lately I’ve told my parents about my sensory sensitivities at school (it happens in other areas too but i told my parents for school) and they don’t want to accommodate me, so how can i stop the camouflaging if even in my family they don’t want to listen to the real me? (I tried to tell a teacher too and he told me to tell my parents and you read how it went). What should i do?

I don't know if it's your neurofeedback or what but you seem a lot calmer.

I was around someone who invited me to a social gathering with some type of person and it brought up the same feelings I had when I was in highschool or elementary people that would make everything about social status it felt like or that I was supposed to "pitch in" even though I didn't want to talk because I didn't know if someone there was a narcissist and someone else was an extreme sensationalist that just wanted to reel me into a meeting just to "get top secret information" that could cost me my life in my mind... if I gave them the information and I just blurt out anything to anyone that has even the slightest degree of wanting to ask me something opposed to if it would be the best decision long term to just keep in instead of just share willy nilly to any possible cult that would want anything to know about me...

An autistic child in a classroom is the one who doesn't care what everyone else is doing. They just do their own thing without embarrassment. When does that change?

Ive been researching this for years now, and still cant figure out if i mask. Lol i was brought up to be myself. However, i have no idea what i truly am like, what i really like, or if i like it because others do. It seems i have never had an original thought, it comes from tv, or things ive seen or read or heard. 🤷‍♀️

I couldn't even become a Chameleon, because I couldn't read social cues well enough to change my color accordingly, lol.

PS. Book. Rather field guide with terse statements, not TOO MANY words. A training tool it would be! - I’ve also AFHD per Psychiatrist… might handle a bullet point book. Engineers Edge for Aspies… 🌝 I throw it out there, and am happy if your intellect drops the idea! I can’t do it, me self!