Errata: In the video I said "diagnostic" and meant, of course, "diagnosis".

@asandax6

Жыл бұрын

Potato Potahto.

@edomaur

Жыл бұрын

bah voilà hein...

@theondono

Жыл бұрын

@@asandax6 that won’t fly with someone with hyper fixations

@ALTracer

Жыл бұрын

Being well-versed in C++ & Rust compilers slang AND not having English as your native language (did you say you were Swiss-French at some point?) will do that to you. You did manage to get the point across to people who WANTED to listen and to understand you, and that's what counts (and not catering to grammar freaks' needs)

@BertPdeboy

Жыл бұрын

no no, you're on to something! Compiler diagnostics would definitely help 🤔

I feel seen. Thanks Amos

Now I am totally blown out and a big fan. I am from Finland and in my mid 50's, learned Rust a year ago and believe me, you got some serious talent for the world. I admire you. Take good care of yourself!

@narigoncs

Жыл бұрын

Finland unite!

@emilsayahi1

Жыл бұрын

Haven't lived in Finland since I was a toddler, but do have the passport still-perhaps the Rust + Finn subset of the human population has some quirks that could be further explored, lol

A healthy dose of gifted kid syndrome coupled with a splash of moderate autism can be a nasty combination to grow up under. I very recently turned 20, and because of course we humans decided to count in base 10, I decided that this was important. I found myself having a midlife crisis concerningly young, wondering where I belonged, who I was and what the hell I was doing, additionally terrified about having reached this age with no major accomplishments. I hope you know how comforting this video is going to be to people like me who have never heard someone make so much sense, and address so accurately this crushingly lonely feeling.

@YashGupta-dr5re

Жыл бұрын

I have felt similar, I had to learn a lot of things that came naturally to people around me. I was in a catholic all-boys school, never fitting, I became very erratic by the time I was 16 as the world around me didn't make sense. I kept digging in and realised I am trans roughly 2 years ago, and it all made sense that I might have fitted better if I were with women during my development years. But this video still makes me think if I should get tested. I also recently turned 20, opted for an online degree because I knew there was absolutely no way I'd survive in an all-boys environment for another 4 years (it's common in India to have all-boys hostels) I have been doing pretty good in life by Indian standard, like working in tech and making relatively high wages, but it doesn't come without a lot of loneliness as I work remotely with little to no friends I fit with.

@raenkie

Жыл бұрын

How do you know, you had an early midlife crisis and not just delayed puberty?

@tomasznocon6378

Жыл бұрын

I'm slowly approaching 30. Imagine if used base 16 instead. "1E? Pff.. That's an insignificant birthday. 20 is gonna be the big one!"

@jour785

Жыл бұрын

​@@tomasznocon6378 jakieś rady? 🤣 jeszcze 20 nie ma ale zbliza się zbyt szybko

fuck, this hits. as a 19 year old high school dropout with a ton of hobbies and hyperfixations, i've been struggling with feeling aimless, and like you said, i've got way too much free time for my own good. it's weirdly cathartic to hear these topics discussed so frankly. thanks, amos.

Thanks for making this Amos :) I've had a very similar situation growing up, and it took a depression followed, 2 years later, by a burnout at 17 to finally go see a therapist. I had a similar experience to you where my therapist wouldn't label my situation, but instead recommended a book on giftedness (which is often correlated/the same as hypersensitivity). Reading it, I recognized a LOT of the "differences" that had caused me pain, isolation, but also joy growing up. (For the French speakers out there, the book is "La douance" by Marianne Bélanger.) I've come to think of this difference as a double-edged sword (although one edge does feel heavier at times...): For some evolutionary reason, humans have come to associate difference with danger. This makes it much harder for individuals that are "different" to satisfy basic needs, like making friends, finding a partner, or landing a job. Environments aren't adapted to the "special" needs that come with this either: school is under stimulating, moral standards aren't upheld as strictly as you'd like, people are shocked when you react strongly to some things they find benign, etc. Needless to say, this is very isolating and without safe spaces, communities, or individuals, it's easy to get depressed. Nonetheless, I think it's possible to reframe this difference and find meaning in life. While sensitivity can be detrimental in some social settings, it can enhance our experience of life in other places, whether it be music, art, nature, math, the satisfaction of solving a problem, etc. It also allows us to learn more and quicker than most in all aspects of life! All this to say: I think it's possible to appreciate life with what we have, and to build environments that allow us to thrive despite/thanks to our differences. You're not alone. Seek what you find fun, beautiful, interesting and find people you can rely on when things get dark.

@fasterthanlime

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your experience! I was nodding along while reading. I think what got me in trouble specifically was failing to establish boundaries with other folks and running completely out of spoons (this is a more American imagery I believe, you may want to look it up). But overall I agree this is the way to go - I recommend seeking therapy too, if only to untangle all of that. If there's any shame associated to that still, well.. there shouldn't be! A lot of my friends are in that same boat and are finding ways to not just survive, but thrive.

It takes a lot of courage to be transparent about the life experiences you shared here. You are not alone. I’m sure there are others who are going through what you are, and your honesty will help them navigate it. Having been through my own mental health issues recently, hearing your story provides good perspective. You are an incredible and kind person Amos. The world has learned a lot from your work, I know I certainly have. I have so much respect for teachers like you who do it from a place of empathy, passion, and selflessness. Thank you for being you. Whatever you decide professionally, we will support you. Same goes for any personal struggles too. I have no problem telling you that you’re amazing. It sucks to hear what you’ve been through and I hope it gets better as you figure life out going forward. Thanks again for all that you do and being who you are!

@gerooq

Жыл бұрын

Couldn't have said it better myself. Thankyou Amos!

I'm glad that you made this video. Ever since I was a teenager, I've felt like I had to conceal certain "weird" behaviors to fit in with the "cool" kids. I noticed many differences between the way I interacted with others and the usual ways that people interacted with one another, and I tried to imitate their actions and expressions. However, being accepted by those types of people never left me feeling fulfilled. I now realize that it was more of a survival mechanism. I strongly believe that not being true to yourself can lead down a dark path.

This video honestly very much resonated with me. I was never tested or anything, so there's no diagnosis, but there's a lot of people, let's just say "suspecting" ADHD or autism... I honestly have no clue if either of those is accurate to my situation, and while I do personally not think self diagnosis is necessarily a problem if others do it I'm not comfortable with doing it for myself, *especially* because there's a good amount of traits that do not *really* line up with the diagnostic criteria (though a bunch of them still do). But no matter which one, both or neither; I do know I'm not doing well mentally [apart from that, though potentially partially caused by it]. I do crave social interaction, but whenever I am put into a social situation I'm immediately uncomfortable & hyperanalysing while having no clue what the other person actually thinks. I derive a lot of my self worth from being able to help people & be productive, and yet I very often cannot find the motivation to do anything. But hey, at least I sometimes learn about a specific programming language concept for example and won't be able to do anything but learn a new programming language & the new paradigm for two weeks; which is a huge part of why I'm still not exactly *un*successful career wise ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Part of me wishes I could just get a label to put on it to feel better about what ultimately feels like me failing everyone around me & myself; but I'm also not sure it would really change much. Probably should actually do the effort of getting a therapy placement but... the effort I'd ahve to put into that is not negligible, and the social interaction necessary to set up even the first appointment is incredibly scary to me.

@deneb_tm

Жыл бұрын

God, same. All of this. Your entire comment. Therapy would help me resolve a lot of the uncertainty inside me, I think. But at the end of the day, I'm doing well enough that I can't quite _justify_ therapy to myself, sooooo yeah.

👏👏👏 Being told I have potential is definitely one of the worst negs I've been given.

@fasterthanlime

Жыл бұрын

With great power comes great anxiety, etc.

i was not reading for La Campanella to come back like that. thank you.

I'm at a different point in my life than you-being 19 and in undergrad, finally meeting 'kids like me' for the first time-but I found myself very strongly relating to everything you said. I've been a fan of your blog posts for a while now, and if it makes you feel better, I'd like you to know that your writing has often pulled me away from what I can only describe as 'existential dread' (ie, the sense that life lacks meaning, and that the world is terribly broken, unjust, and not worth being a part of). I've had a lifelong passion for computers (which ties into the suspected autism), and you're clearly passionate about computing as well, which is what makes your posts such a joy to read (side note: part of it is that you're also very unusually good at explaining yourself, both when speaking and writing)

@emilsayahi1

Жыл бұрын

I've also been paranoid that people 'like me' (refusing to compromise on ideals [eg, ragequitting job over injustice], needing to learn the social behaviours others naturally pick up on, etc) would be destined to failure (unable to find a job, be healthy, etc), but knowing that you're leading what I'd consider a successful life makes me feel a lot better about my future.

@Shywizz

Жыл бұрын

Uhhh hello me clone how did you get here ??? No but on a little more serious note, im 17 turning 18 in a couple months and i have been walking the exact same rope as you have (or a very similar one). I feel alone,isolated, and isolated. I don't check all the boxes but its enough that you start to question yourself (Is this what's making me what i am ?) Like many others i just randomly found this channel and i was really willing to listen to everything that was said, its like listening to someone about something they are passoniate about there's this sort of knowledge transplant magic to it that i can't really describe otherwise Thank you for speaking out, i meant it when i said 'r u me clone????!!?' it feels like so, at least

@sergiopolarbear810

Жыл бұрын

hello other mes

Only shit nothing has ever hit so hard I’m glad you articulated it in a way that I could not

Great video, I'm basically going through the same process at the moment, also 32, but while having a job. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. I don't think through sharing this depression becomes contagious, at least not for me. Actually, I find it quite helpful. And yes, maybe life is meaningless if you look just towards end goals but I find the journey to be much more interesting.

OMG, I'm here to learn Rust but now I want to share so bad. The thing I've learned over the years is that alot of people, therapist included never really think that deeply about stuff, part of the reason you feel different is because you have questions about the world that you feel needed to be answered, that people don't really have answers to or even worse don't feel the need to have answered. And your always like, "why don't you care about this question, don't you want to know if this thing called "happiness" is underpinned by something more substancial than accepted social norms or is the whole thing just a facade?" Anyway you end up envying normal people telling yourself you lack something akin to intuition or experience maybe you need more time in society to truly get it and stop the rumminations. That eventually you know who you are in the world just like everyone else, but you keep waiting you still feel different. Anyway I was like that for a long time, I'm not that smart. But people were always convinced I was. I would go "If I'm so smart why can't I figure it out??" I'm now 34 and I'm happy to say even ive gone through the above but the thoughts no longer plague me. The solution i came to require some courage and making agregious assumptions 1) I considered the possibility that maybe there never was anything substancial to the meaning of life. So maybe looking at it too deeply is by definition a waste of time 2) along with the first point I considered the idea that maybe "Useful" can be just as important as "Truth". Because while it was so hard to determine whats true it was easy to consider what is useful. I think theses were the two key ones. There were other thoughts I had but I won't go over them here. Here is an example of where this mindset helped. At a point i was imposed on by religion had to decide wether to believe it or not. Instead of trying to understand if the religion contained truth i consided wether it was useful. And gosh I realised how useful religion was in the past in keeping a peaceful sosciery. I mean the fact that prayer is just you imagining how a "perfect being" responds to a problem. The process forces you to consider peaceful and considerate solutions to problems rather than chaotic ones. So anyway I start realising alot of social norms were just useful tricks that people do this allowed me to use them as like protocals in interation with people. Gosh this is so long sorry guys if you read this and I missed the mark i do apologise. One more thing I want to add is that helping other people can be fulfilling I remember telling myself that if I ever feel like you know, suicidal, I could just go work in a third world country and help people. I mean if you think your own life is meaningless why not just focus on helping someone else's.

I struggle with those thoughts since I was 13. It's comforting to know that someone can understand and that I'm not alone with those feelings.

I recently started following your channel. Great, genuine video. We lack a lot of critical self-awareness as a society and it's great to be able to deconstruct yourself, but reflection is only healthy in moderation. It's a balance being self-critical while also not caring too much about what other people think. It's been great following your journey on KZread, and I hope for many more!

That life story hits literally painfully close to home 😿

Thank you, Amos.

I'm always blown away by the insights you share. It's incredible how varied but equally interesting your videos are. Thank you :)

I could totally see you serving as a beacon for our kind. Many of us have felt alone in our experiences throughout our lives. But in those early formative years, we're directed to sand down our edges. A great deal of what came natural to us was treated as a defect by our parents and educators. As we progressed through life, many of us have adapted. We present/conduct ourselves in such a grotesquely "manufactured" manner that it almost doesn't even feel human. The act sucks. But most folks like us put it on, which makes it incredibly difficult to so much as *find* others like us -- let alone *connect* with them. There's definitely value in having someone like you openly discussing this. The response to this video seems to indicate that, with the sort of content you've been producing over the past year, you've garnered an audience with a significant number of "different" people. Your community seems like a great place for us all to connect and maybe shed the act/deprogram a little. Perhaps it's time for a Discord or Matrix?

It's really affirming to hear someone else in a similar position as you reflect on what it means to their life and society. For me i've concluded that I will create the perfect world I want for myself, and if others also like it they will surely come. If not, at least I'm happy myself.

I studied math for fun as a kid, and I was aware I was probably aspie for a while. In light of this, I forced myself to learn "the rules" while keeping an internal distance from it, and put forth serious effort in terms of habits to benefit mental health, namely make good friends and make efforts to socialize with them, exercise regularly, eat right, sleep well, and not to overstimulate with social media, because these are things we actually can control. Doing all these things makes training yourself to mindfully control the nonstop INFERNAL THOUGHT MACHINE much easier. I also don't have any more "big questions", ethical or epistemic or otherwise that could throw a wrench into things and start the INFERNAL THOUGHT MACHINE again, since in college I mainly focused on delving in deep to those and I am mostly satiated. I am content enjoying daily pleasures, and I thoroughly enjoy living. I went from a point of being so suicidal and experiencing ineffable mental anguish that I was catatonic to being probably one of the most stable and content people I know, but it took a lot of work and forging of the mind and body. I am proud of myself, but it took years of work as an almost *autistic* obsession, and I went through every phase of coping with the existential question. At this point I consider my personal mental health "solved". I believe we all can achieve this, but it takes conscious effort. Fight for your life! The point of all this is that I believe attacking this problem with the same rigor and aptitude that you attack all your problems with will yield success!

Probably the only video I watched more than once. Thanks Amos

I cannot overstate the degree to which this feels relevant to my life experience. I feel like I could have spoken these same words in a different universe where I made youtube videos.

Thank you for sharing. Love you. Take care.

For me being good at stuff as a kid without trying mostly gave me a bad work ethic, and it shows in how little effort I still put into stuff

Thank you very much!

Thanks for sharing!

Thank you so much for uploading this. I am 19 and I have recently started my freshmen year of university. I am from one of the countries where education is a bit more sucky, but thanks to my family I was able to go to university abroad. All my teachers in highschool would be telling me that "what I do will not fly in uni" and that "highschool is the last time I can have it this nice". I am just now, having gotten into uni, realizing how wrong they were. And oh boy, were they wrong. I really wish that someone, anyone could have told me how wrong that was. That uni will have these "kids like me". Again, thank you so much for making and uploading this. It feels great to have reassurance along the lines of "You are not the weird one. Well, at least not the only one"

@wdhjix

Жыл бұрын

Uni is realy fun. Cant say much for Valuable information as in my country educatuon(even in best IT uni.....T_T) sucks, but still i loved it very much. You re like stepping into a new world and interact with more civil people idk, Especially when the place where you need good grades to come into a program.

@kintrix007

Жыл бұрын

@@wdhjix Or ideally, instead of looking at grades they have an entrance exam

@wdhjix

Жыл бұрын

@@kintrix007 in ukraine we have 1 exam for the whole country and it weight around 90℅ (now as i heard it in my uni its 100℅ so your grades doesnt mater at all) But yeah when was considering studying to get into USA uni i realised that with my grades ( they were realy low 30℅+- ) its impossible

@wdhjix

Жыл бұрын

@@kintrix007 but for many people its a nightmare as they cant bare stress good enough to be productive/stable on exam and due to it they can fail (we have only 1 attempt). So i think its nice when it is works and a perfect solution does not exist

Fantastic courageous video. Something you said really struck me, about being unable to "do good." I hope you realize how much your systems education work has done good for those who have been exposed to it. You've made so many people's lives better not just with your technical content, but with your sense of style and your exemplification of an approach to thinking and doing that the world needs more of and that I for one aspire to. We desperately need people who care and love and create and dream and think deeply and accurately and publicly. I need them. You are one of them. You can be proud of this without guilt or reservation, and you can make it your continued purpose if you choose to do so. I sincerely hope you will.

Your storytelling ability is excellent.

Much support. I share many of the same challenges. You are not alone!

I really appreciate this video.

followed you for rust videos, stayed to learn about myself 😅

Wow, this video had impeccable timing for me, thanks. I also like the rather non-chalant nature of the video.

5:34 This hits home so hard it's like a slap in the face

Hey man, found your channel from the networking stuff, im a developer myself. Ive been in your spot before (however im 9 years younger than you so it might be different) and I dont have any great tips that I can come up with on spot other than that working on something gives meaning so a job might be good. To be as creative as I wanna be I do sideprojects such as music and game development which ive been doing for like 7 years now. I gotta say you are a great explainer and I love that u dont go into the boring details you can roll your eyes at when other youtubers or lecturers overdramatize to make what their talking about seem extra deep or whatever. Dont try to make the world the place you want it to be, cause thats too much for 1 man, however try to make your surroundings the place you want it to be, thats enough :D

Thank you for this video. I know first-hand how frustrating the experience can get, especially when the closest people constantly belittle your problems and tell you that you're normal, just lazy or whatever, when you're clearly different and often suffer because of it around other people. If not for the Internet and good psychiatrists posting their lectures and talks there, I would have never overcome the fear and reach for help. But it took way too long, I am so used to living with depression, that it's my default state of mind now, and medication is one of the few constants in my life. I also have ADHD, so I take atomoxetine, which takes care of both. Recently I stopped taking it for two months - motivation and productivity plummeted, mood started declining. Never again. It is very important that people learn about depression and start noticing the signs early on, because it's such a sneaky disease. It eats at you so gradually, you don't even notice when you turn from being reasonably happy and functional to feeling absolutely miserable and worthless. And when you notice, it's very unlikely that you actively reach for help by yourself. So please, everyone, if you feel your soul slowly draining away, please go to a doctor, don't wait until it's you second nature to feel shitty. As for fitting into society, at 37 I still have no idea how to do that. Programming professionally was too exhausting for me, I just hate sitting right next to and working with normal people, most of which seem to not really care about anything, let alone their job. After losing my job due to a depression episode and struggling for years, I work as a plumber now, and only do programming as a hobby. It is incredibly hard to not think of myself as a failure all the time, but I constantly remind myself that the world around me and society in general are designed for normal people, so I'm doing pretty good, considering the circumstances. Alright, enough about me. Thank you, Amos, for this channel and your articles. I very much enjoy your work and your sense of humour. I hope it all works out for you, and you won't need to have a "real job" ever, because I sincerely believe the latter would be a waste of your time and a loss to society. Teachers are too underappreciated, and that needs to change. It's one of the most important professions in the world, after all.

Wow, I really admire how clearly you spoke about such a difficult issue. I do relate to a lot of things you say, for a long time I've felt deeply wrong or broken inside at a fundamental level; but it's incredibly helpful to hear the stories of others. I hope you can find the meaning you're looking for

@spacewad8745

Жыл бұрын

I've felt similarly all my life. Only recently did I question what normal really meant and finally came to the conclusion that any semblance of normalcy out there in the world is nothing but a facade. There is nobody who's perfectly normal. For people like us, when we look at society at large and curse ourselves for not being like them, not being able to laugh like them and what not, we are only judging others superficially. Glossy surfaces reflect more than they show.

I think good literature prose and poetry really help to get a sense that you're not alone. I wish us all luck in acquiring happiness and fulfilment

You're an excellent speaker. Very thoughtful video. Thank you.

I never went through an effort to get diagnosed, but I definitely do feel that I might be on the spectrum. The whole gifted kid aspect resonates with me a lot, must say, but I think I find enough comfort in labeling myself as neurodivergent without going much into the specifics of it. I am different, so what's anyone else gonna do about it? Life having no intrinsic meaning is itself the beauty of the postmodern we live in, so might as well forge our own paths while we can.

I needed this video.

Hi, I've experienced many things you have said, including but not limited to being socially awkward, hyperfocus, high sense of justice and hypersensitivity. I have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at a young age, so I wouldn't be surprised if you were on the spectrum as well. I believe it doesn't matter in the end, labels, especially concerning the fact that these diagnoses are very vague and not well defined. I've been figuring out how I function as well and my label has very much decided how I act towards other people and how I view myself. When I saw this video so many stuff resonated with me that it's almost creepy, I've also been struggling with what the hell I was even supposed to do on this planet, and still am to this day. What I have figured out is that there are many people like me, and I suppose like you too, and that has given me some comfort. At least I'm not the only one questioning my meaning and existence all the time :) By the way, I made this comment before 13:28 and now this is really creeping me out xD

Thank you!

This was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing, I am in the same exact boat (albeit a couple years behind you) and everything you said made complete sense to me. Wow.

That video kinda hit a soft spot. I am having exams currently so I am very busy preparing so I don't think about it that much but but yea, I don't know why I am doing what I am doing. I pretty much just did not have anything better to do so I guess that's it for now. And I could probably never answer the question "Who am I?" or at least I forgot if I could. I guess focussing on something that is fun just gives me some kind of temporary purpose which is good so I don't live the midlife crisis 24/7. One problem there is that often times I focus on something until it completly destroys me or I am sick of it and I rarely do anything else besides that. I am trying to find some balance for years now but pretty much the only constant is emptyness. Although it isn't there all the time it always comes back, probably at least once a week if not every day. That feels a bit ironic actually, like running with no hope of escape. I am kind of living with that tho, and you're right, I should probably dig into that with professional help, I do it on my own all the time, or at least I try to. I don't know, from my experience it doesn't go away, and for me personally that's okay, I've kind of accepted that as a part of myself a long time ago. I don't know what getting a diagnosis really is like but learning about a diagnosis that I then felt really close to at the very least (at that time) helped me a lot in understanding myself and therefore accepting and recognizing my behavior patterns. I got me out of one of the roughest times of my life. It went from being pretty depressed to being stuck in a chronical midlife crisis for years with these breaks when I am focussing on something for a week or something like that. Rock climbing and body weight exercises actually broke that cycle a bit but now I am injured so yea...riding the waves that I have and then calmly waiting for the next one

Need to hyper focus on something to keep those intrusive thoughts out of my head. I always knew I was different from my peers and videos or posts like this really help with the feeling of alienation. Thank you.

this so closely mirrors exactly how I'm feeling right now, thank you for this

Thank for sharing piece of your story, I hope one day I'll be alive and brave to say mine. I came for Rust, but stayed for you.

Surreal how this is so close to my own experience. Two years ago I did get "tested", but all it measured was the extremes of the spectrum. These tests, at least in my country, were designed to identify babies who need help as soon as possible, so as long as we're functional adults, it's really difficult to get a clear picture about what can be going on. And I know very well the risks involved in getting labeled, the possible damage self-diagnosis can make, and how much the ego can get warped around the notion of being "gifted". Nevertheless, all of it can indeed be a curse. Another strange coincidence: I too have lost two dear friends, one year after the pandemic, by their own will. It has made me..."extremely existential". But once again I've chosen to keep on living, even if to live is to suffer. Reading Camus helped a lot. Don't go gentle into that good night. Cheers from Brazil!

Thank you. I relate to a lot of the things you said on a personal level. Even though it's a parasocial level (and that opens another can of worms), I constantly find what you said in the video to be pretty representative of my childhood. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks and confirmation bias is kicking in but it's a genuine feeling. I am constantly enveloped in self-doubt and existential threats from the world within and there seems to be no end to it. But what you shared definitely has made me felt understood. It is kinda of a double-edged sword though. The power of the internet for us to relate to one another over a high bandwidth download but a low bandwidth upload has made a few creators very popular and relatable to large masses. One creator can only take in so much bandwidth from his viewers. I feel that it's so simple nowadays to 'be heard' or be understood when a creator shares a few ideas you share. But, I do think it is inevitable since, in order to achieve the same upload and download bandwidth, this requires actual human-to-human connection, which is why friends are such a crucial part of our lives. No matter how many false notions we may share with friends, with our limited worldview, we still gain so much insight/understanding from them. The algorithms which were designed to optimise the time we spent on these platforms (KZread, Tiktok) are very scary. I feel like they play with our inner emotions a little too much. However, these recommendation algorithms do expose more people to like-minded people, and they can find more communities whom they can potentially connect with. I often find myself in so many different little communities trying to do a sort of weighted average over them, trying to find 'the truth'. Well, maybe that 'truth' only applies to me, since I only have that unique combination of patterns entering my brain in such a way that makes me who I am and who I want to be. I often wonder why people are so adamant about the Truth with a capital T, especially regarding religion and morality stuff. This subjective truth however is a slippery slope that can justify any crime so I guess that's why we have the law. Honestly, I have no idea what I just wrote. It's a tangent that my mind usually goes into all too frequently that I'm for once typing down, trying to organise my thoughts into a KZread comment. I don't really have a narrative here, since I'm just kinda analysing the future, with its error bars expanding as time goes forward in the imaginary graph of life. Despite all of my ramblings however, I definitely feel that I've a lot to learn from you. After all, KZread is a great teacher and I've found many great educational channels like you which further deepens my interest into this field of tech. I mean, school teachers are also a lesser form of parasocial relationship, so KZread is my goto for learning. I'm so glad I found this channel to be honest, I'm only 19, turning 20 this year and I have a whole life ahead of me, after I serve in the army anyway. Keep doing what you do, I have hope for the future of social media if creators like you were more common.

@fasterthanlime

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing and best of luck on your journey! I think you'll find that folks with similar damage/bonus brain paths tend to congregate around the same interests, and be explicitly selected for by certain tech companies for example 🙃 this is what I was trying to get at with "suspicious...", but I didn't really expand on it.

This is deeply moving. Can this boil down to feeling disconnected? How much better would you feel if you had people (or at least a person) around who's a similar level intellectually, emotionally, as well as in the sense of sensitivity and self-awareness (which to me looks as most important)? Being gifted lays the trap of having an impression that such people simply don't exist, that you outsmart potentially everybody. But the search may be worth it, as multi-level intimacy is... priceless. Personally, I keep looking for practical ways of approaching such a search as a down-to-earth engineer. If you thought about this too, would love to hear about your findings. Good luck and keep being special. Max.

@fasterthanlime

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It's tricky. I have such friends as you describe but we tend to struggle to maintain that connection because a bit part of it is "being in your head" and "being very sensitive". I still feel connected to them, from afar, in some way.

This is may be my first time ever commenting on a KZread video; I'm doing it to tell you how much I appreciate you. I've been fan of your blog (even though I don't always "have time to read an hour in a row"). And yes, we're lonely but not alone in this. That's a basis for good company. We can't find meaning in life but we're still here because X reason(s). I don't think we'll ever find a reason, but that's a reason in and out of itself. We aren't so self important to have a reason to live ! Anyway, j'espère vraiment te rencontrer un jour, pour discuter un peu de technologie mais beaucoup plus de nos expériences (mine is interesting too, but I'm a very discreet person) Good luck, and keep it up !

I don’t know if you read fiction, but if you do, No Longer Human by Dazai Osamu is one of my favourite books because it talks about this exactly and sometimes it feels like the most real work of fiction ever written. I highly recommend it.

I can handle depression and that other stuff. But dried flowers, this breaks me!

A good friend of mine sent me this video with the caption "He reminds me a bit of you maybe check it out". I must admit he was kinda right. It really tracks. "Gifted" child, great grades without effort, socially awkward, sensitivity to lights, smells and sounds. I even got an ADHD diagnosis on top of it. My life's a complete mess if you know me (though from the outside it's one of a complete model citizen). I don't really have much of a purpose and I'm swinging from one obsessive interest to the next. Thankfully I've realized relatively early on that that is no basis for a successful life so I've restrained myself where I could. Because if I start to give into these impulses I'm afraid I'll be caught in an endless loop of instability. In that sense I'm a bit jealous of my best friend. He's confirmed autistic but has an insular gift and never ending passion for music. While that is an insular life it also is a fulfilling one while I often think I'm spinning in circles. One als learns how to camouflage effectively. I've reached the point where it's become semi-automatic. While that smoothes over social interactions it also brings along the danger of losing oneself in the expectations of others. Life's not easy though it's probably easier than it would have been if I were born a couple hundred years earlier. I've also been blessed with great friends who I wouldn't trade for the world. Before them I've once been teetering a bit too close to the edge myself for my liking. Thankfully it scared me enough and I haven't been tempted since. I can definitely say that even though it's sometimes agonizing and maddening, I like life too much to want to miss it. Even though it's a constant battle. I hope everyone who has taken the time to read this can also feel like this one day (if they don't do it now). I wish you and everyone else a lot of stamina, grit and luck!

I’ve struggled with similar feelings and thoughts most of my life, although at my unhealthiest I turned to heavy drugs and addiction as my form of self-destruction. Took me awhile, but I’m slowly becoming “comfortable being uncomfortable” if that makes sense. I don’t feel like a glistening beam of light everyday, far from it. Some days are dark and it can feel eternal. But on days when I choose to see it, there’s some sunshine to soak in. It’s OK for me to experience both. Thanks for having the courage to share your story.

Thanks!

thanks for this video. it came in the right time for me. hope you're doing well amos

Watched this a couple of times over the past few weeks and it still hits as close to home the 10th time as it did the first. It's a bitter sweet kind of feeling, because I feel both better for not being alone and sad that someone else is feeling what I'm feeling. There's a lot that I want to say that I don't know how to put into words so I'll say these two tings: 1. thank you 2. in case it makes a difference to you, you're hereby formally invited to try on and claim any label of autism you like (though you don't have to) if they give you a hard time at the door just tell them my name and I'll get you in

Some sentences struck me really hard like you were talking about me, I had clear pictures of some situations from my memories from earlier time in life... And I've been going through some existential turbulence lately too... not much I can say besides hang in there. Life is weird kind of ride.

fuck, 10:49 hit me - that's basically where I've been stuck for like 5 years now wasn't expecting this - not today, and not from the programming side of KZread thanks for making this video, i feel a little more seen now

This hit so close to home, I'm so glad I watched this. It's hard, and I don't know if I'll ever have myself figured out and "solved" as much as I want it to happen. I've felt like Sisyphus, not in my work so much but with myself as a person. For now I'm trying to learn how to be okay with not having myself "solved" or figured out.

Being yourself and being fearlessly yourself is the most powerful super power you can hope to achieve. “I cannot change the world, but I can change myself and thus I can change my world” My grandfather told me this when I attempted to unalive myself at 14 - it took until I was 32 for me to really start to get it. Now it’s something I saw to myself everyday.

You really have a way with words, this video really connected with me

@fasterthanlime

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I'm glad - take care!

Hey Amos! First, I want to say thank you very much for staying true to yourself and your values. I definitely don’t feel concerned by what you describe, but I had several occasions where I had to discuss and exchange with friends that felt this way, and I’m convinced that having people speaking up will help in every possible way. Thanks very much for the content, you’re doing an amazing job of stating your beliefs and experience in a clear and sane manner. I wish you to be happy and find your purpose in life to enjoy it as much a possible.

Thank you Amos. Difficult subjects to talk about, but you did it in an awesome way. As someone who recognizes a lot of these points you make, thank you for sharing. Now I know why I "connect" to your videos in general, so to speak. ;)

"Very principled, hyperfocusing on very specific abstract ideas, socially awkward, a heightened sense of justice, a tendency to be overstimulated, sensitivity to light, sound, touch…" this hit differently. I see myself in all of this. It often makes me feel lonely because other people seem unable to relate. I am 23, and I was hoping it would get better over time, but seeing you at close to a decade older than me with the same thoughts gives me a weird feeling. I enjoy my job as Fullstack Engineer but still feel like floating around uncontrollably.

Love you man, try to talking in a honest way like that is something that I don't see pretty often, hope the best for you.

I currently literally have zero sorrows, and I‘m scared of that. No family member has ever died to whom I‘ve built up some sort of bond stronger than what a 3 year-old could. My grades in school are good. I have friends, even if it isn‘t many. But I‘m happy. I‘ve been scared for some time now that something could happen and I fall into depression. But life goes on. That‘s my motto currently. Let‘s see if I can keep that up in the bad times.

I stumbled on your channel only a few months ago, but have been happy whenever I see a new one. I just want you to know that I appreciate your approach to the videos you do, the flow, the explanations, the choice of topic, the digressions into psychology, the candidness. It's an experience where I can learn and bond with you over shared joy in very technical interests, which is pretty unique. I appreciate this divergence into a more personal, existential topic too. Like you said, KZread seems like a tough place to make money without heavily conforming as a creator, so I hope you continue to make videos following just your personal intuition. Keep doing you!

I love your blogposts and videos. Thank you for all your hard work.

Thanks for sharing. I have the nagging feeling I might have tendencies in a similar direction, although not as strong as you describe yours. Sensitivity to noise, a heightened desire for consistency and the need to consciously think about social interactions. A thought that always helped me is I feel like I don’t really need a good reason to do anything. The only necessary measure is, after weighing all reasonable consequences, I do something because I want to do it. I can only define the environment I live in to a certain degree, anything beyond I have to make compromises.

I think there’s a special kind of understanding between the people who are able to “see” how weird social norms are. I’m probably very different from you, and yet it was patently clear even just from reading your articles that we share “traits”. The best analogy I’ve seen (though I don’t think it fits that nicely) is how gay people tell each other apart. I have no special wisdom and no magic bullet, but I’ve seen enough complexity on the world that I like simple stuff. I’m happy when I’m learning new stuff and building new things, so that’s what I do. Is it healthy? I don’t know, but exerting your body constantly to be a professional athlete sounds just as unhealthy to me, but society seems to have no problems with that. Just because you can “pass” (to use the lingo) doesn’t mean you should make your decisions “as if”. You’re not a different implementation of human that needs to comply to a standard, you can choose your own goals, just be close enough to the expected behavior if not doing that will be a PITA. That’s my take at least.

10 years ago, the first thought of each day was "is this the day I'll do it?". Those were the most miserable few years of my life. I somehow managed to make an alternative plan which was to move cities and start over. I thought "if I end it now, there's 0% chance to experience anything cool in the future." Now I have exciting projects I'm working on and have a fiance. Our daughter is due in a month. A lot of pretty cool stuff happened in between, though it wasn't all easy.

Thanks Amos for sharing!

Thank you for making this. While watching this, I noticed a lot of parallels to my own experiences - It is really nice to know there are people just like me out there. I'm currently in university and I'm super content here, being surrounded by "kids like me". Also, I have not yet had any mental health issues, but I feel like knowing people like me often have such issues is very valuable, so I know what to look out for in myself. Thank you!

Using this song again in the end titles is total cinematography... Man the YT is a great direction for you, this was lovely! I don't want to sound redundant, there's a lot of deep thoughts throughout the video, just wanted to point this exact thing out

God this resonates so much with my current experience (and backstory). I could almost have written the script. There's no particular optimism in this video or feel-good message and yet, I think it helps me to hear all of that. Thanks.

Hope you feel better! I've also lost a coworker to suicide after developing mental health issues. If only I had paid more attention. He had grandiose visions of changing humanity influenced by his mental health and when it didn't materialize, there was only one solution... There is something wrong with the world and it doesn't seem like those in power want to fix it, so now I'm just waiting for something to spark a course correction and I'll join that. But until then, I only worry about myself and my loved ones, putting one foot in front of the other. It's the only thing that anyone can do now.

@jeezusjr

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I should add I found your channel through another youtuber, I don't write Rust, but found your videos insightful. You should try the KZread thing!

@fasterthanlime

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💜

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Take care

Wanted to let you know that I really appreciate this video and value your perspective. Having dealt with these things as well, it's hard to feel like I fit in. Knowing that someone else shares the same ideas and thoughts is very comforting, thank you.

this is art

thanks for everything you've shared with us throughout the years. whichever path you choose, may you be free of suffering.

Thanks for sharing this Amos, it's really great when someone is able to find the words to express how we feel and let us now that we are not alone

Thanks a lot for sharing. Quite helpful to see that there are people out there with similar experience. I just realized at 54 that ASD checks most boxes.

What a timely video. Been in the same boat/mindset for the past few weeks now (existential and jobless). Without going into the long, long story of my life and current situation, it feels like there's just a thousand details I miss when it comes to the task of "observing the world in order to make good decisions" and a thousand other details that I do pick up on, but I don't like them and I just have to tolerate it. One of those details I've been tolerating a lot lately is that modern society has such an unhealthy relationship with survivorship bias. I appreciate the honesty of this video. I've been learning Rust game dev over the last few days though, so I got that going for me :)

I'm 46, and I have been "on the spectrum", coupled with ADD all my life. You could say I'm the shitty kind of special. At age 24 I got my ADD diagnosis and started taking Ritalin, and it changed my life for the better. I could never have been a programmer without that, due to not being able to concentrate on anything for a long enough length of time. Before that, I wrestled with a similar existential crisis, but what helped me is that I thought that the experience of a crappy life is still better than not existing. I don't believe in the afterlife so for me, suicide has always felt like throwing away the baby with the bath water, so to speak. Sure, I wanted my life to get better and not to struggle so much compared to others, but that struggle is still an objectively more valuable experience than no experience at all.

I appreciate you, what you put out in the world and your view/perspective of it.

Thank you for this video, we have an identical experience. Personally I keep on questioning. People often say that I simply shouldn't care, but I do. The only thing that personally keeps me going is code. I'm not actively suicidal, just passively. I don't have an issue with the concept of life, its just evidently thr conditions I'm faced with. I'm able to deal with the job seeking process, despite the ordeal being tiring, especially legally. It sucks having all these ideas but no way to forward them in a comprehensive manner. Sometimes when I'm asked to explain a simple thing I'm doing as a person, I have to go deep in my 'philosophy' and views of everything just to start making sense, but by that point anyone else is overwhelmed. I'm also in a weird situation with the going at only one speed ordeal in education, but personally I'm punished for not engaging, which is like, sure, but I've never been here out of my own desire. I have all of my opinions on it, but they're not bite sized for anyone else who's not me. I'd be dropping out if it wouldn't make life just a bit easier a bit later down the road. There's also everyone thinking they understand the first thing about what's up with me, or thinking they have the span of my thoughts, or how far it expands, but they never do. People really don't understand how someone can be... differrent, simply themselves. You do it your way and they make it the hardest they can for you. I understand it though, somewhat. It's more profitable for society to have compliant people, machines really. It's also easier, so they assert that through more or less strict rules, which allow people like me to keep on living through the cracks of that. Thank you for your video and I hope I didn't take too much of your e-space, I really related with your outro, and with, like, everything else, my way.

thank you for the video, it really helps, keep doing you! I love hyper-focused technical stuff

Hey, I just wanted to say - thank you. It's the first time I've heard someone talking about the issue "in a real way" if that makes sense. Even mental health professionals are always trying to use a certain type of language to go around the problem rather than simply talking about it. I always knew there must be more people like me, and for the first time I see that this is indeed true.

i really appreciated this. you’re excellent at what you do and it’s clear that many many people feel validated by what you’re saying. as for “seeing if anything cool happens,” i’d say this video qualifies

I think you sound wise and funny and kind, and, judging from the videos alone, I'd get along with you. You're a cool dude, and it's people like that who make things change, so I guess whenever that sense of justice is crying out to you, keep that in mind? Idk, anyways, all the best!

thanks a lot for this video

Thank you, this content is truly helpful. I'm in university and it seems like people making it through are those who can be naturally obsessed with their study. The industry has of course a large incentive to pick out those individuals. And this ends up stressful for everybody, especially those who may not be as obsessive naturally. Well, I'll keep my brain busy with the technical computer stuff. Dealing with this now might be counter-productive to my career :)) Also, you've found a great way to do good to the world. I hope you stick around! My sympathy to all of us :P

It's uncanny that your video came out at just the right time! Tonight was one of the harder ones for me. Depression hitting with full force, without life's random responsibilities distracting me from it. Shaking and crying myself to sleep. And of course, it doesn't just stop at the feelings of purposelessness, regret and jealousy. After that, it's time to scold yourself for moaning when there are people with bigger problems than yours and how you don't even deserve to be sad. So you end up feeling something worse than sadness. Either way, I don't know if it gets better, if there's a point to it at all, other than distracting oneself from overthinking. But, seeing someone I respect, put into words these feelings with such clarity, sincerity and even humor, makes it all worth it again. It is liberating to not feel alone. I, too, will wait for "something cool" to happen. Thanks for being awesome

I've been told many times that I probably have autism. I've never looked into getting a diagnosis because I don't really care enough. I don't feel like I'm less true to myself because of it. I just do what I want and that's enough for me.