When I isolate and am alone that’s when I feel most like myself and I feel safe to be myself. When I am with others there is an automatic reaction to be who they want me to be instead of me being me! I’m so lonely and yet I feel best when I am alone.

@phltns

6 ай бұрын

I understand. I am working on relating to others differently.

@jshadow536

2 ай бұрын

I hope that you are doing better, and if not that's okay too. I can really relate to what you wrote. I am very isolated, and am still working on trusting myself. I have started to be really honest, not like trauma dumping, but also not trying to appear better than I am for fear of shame/rejection. I started writing and sharing fears with a small group of strangers (no preconceived notions) that I met through a Crappy Childhood fairy zoom call. It's amazing what strangers can relate too. It's still scary, but very rewarding and good practice. I wish you well.

@natashaj9169

27 күн бұрын

Me too.

Its such a strange feeling, thinking that no one understands you, and then you click on a video of some lady on the internet and she reads you like a book lol. Thanks for sharing your knowledge!! Much appreciated!

@Hananonthesquare

Жыл бұрын

Seriously! Suddenly you feel that you’re not alone… there ARE other people who get you.

@ajnadey7173

8 ай бұрын

Exactly

@mizzy759

6 ай бұрын

Everything will be ok !

I almost get a panic attack if a person puts my needs before their own cause that goes against what I was thought, my needs always comes last.

@RosemaryBabyZVllX

Жыл бұрын

Same here. It feels very unusual

@YOU-niter

Жыл бұрын

That’s the problem with putting EveryOne 1st. We’ve taught them we come 2nd! Including OurSelves..🤯

@proper.role.model.819

7 ай бұрын

I was just driving thinking about this and googled to find something related to. So happy I found your comment and this video too

@leprekate

3 ай бұрын

It just occurred to me that this is why I am happier at other people’s birthday celebrations than my own.

@angieolsson8175

3 ай бұрын

@@proper.role.model.819 I've done some research and I think this is related to the fawn trauma response

Does anyone else remember being really outgoing as a kid - only when the adults weren't around? I was really good at making friends with other kids because I felt like it "didn't matter" and I could just be myself. But I clammed up the second an adult came in the room and put on my "good girl" face. I was scared of getting in trouble, and over time I felt like I had to wear that mask all the time. Now I'm trying to reconnect with who I am and express that to other people, but it's so hard to put the mask down.

@SS-in1ts

Жыл бұрын

Yes. I have adhd and was always in trouble in school for talking too much. In middle school I lost friends for being to excited about everything. So I learned to always be in control. Now I’m a complete control freak and can’t even have fun or let loose unless I’m at home alone with my kids. It’s awful. I don’t know how else to be - in control of my adhd or a very hyper happy me that isn’t socially accepted. Meh. So glad to have found this channel though, what a huge help! Best wishes to you!!

@sarina5352

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely 😢same here now I don't even recognise myself 😢

@desertcrab6331

Жыл бұрын

Interesting you mention this, it was my first notice of that when I was a kid that made me question the narrative that I was worthless. Still working on that, knowing this about CPTSD has made all the difference. We all get labeled like there is something wrong with us, while no attention whatsoever is given to those who put us in this position in life. I can deal with the pain, it is the loss of potential I am having the hardest time with. All I can say is, own your issues and stop passing them to children. One of my greatest accomplishments in life was stopping this madness in my kid's generation so it does not continue.

@GadgetsGearCoffee

Жыл бұрын

​@@SS-in1tsfind the right people that embrace that side! I found some communities of a bunch go weirdos

@kathleenhabura2377

11 ай бұрын

Yes!!!

I'm learning not to fawn and hide from people. Too many years of being taught to be a doormat. I'm also learning who's worth my time and effort as against wasting time on people who aren't.

This definitely hits home to me. Fawning is something I did to keep the peace at home and to survive as a child. Its TERRIFYING to acknowledge my wants and needs because I'm terrified of people thinking I'm selfish. Obviously, looking after your own needs is not being selfish but it's so hard to break the conditioning of fawning. Our emotions lie to us constantly but our mind believes what our emotions are telling us and it all gets so damn confusing!! Anyway, the more I practice the better I get at looking after me.

@elyaequestus1409

Жыл бұрын

Same here! I agree with this so damn much, my god. Now t hat I moved out of the house, I still get these seemingly random triggers where I get overwhelmed by small mistakes and drawing attention to myself. Drawing attention to myself is what my parents saw as a cardianal sin because I am autistic and express myself differently than most. My parents would lecture me regarding 'bad' behavior and 'reward' good behavior. I internalized this to such a degree that "Bad behavior" = bad person and good behavior = good person. My parents would tell what was rude, or considered rude, and I just never had been able to like. Work with that. It was this afternoon where the following clicked with me: "Rudeness implies that a boundary is crossed". And my parents were just unable to clearly explain boundaries and tie my actions back to how other people/I would feel. I just felt completely disconnected from everything and everyone around me and did my very best to become as palitable as possible. Thanks to a lot of therapy, I am able to set boundaries with people, including my parents, and express my needs to my direct environment. The only people that see my internal anxieties, are my closest friends. To them, I still over apologize and express my self doubts. With them I can be vulrnable and I learn to receive their kindness. People still consider me to be very considerate which I frankly quite like. I love being considerate of others. I love taking care of people and making them feel safe and loved. But, when they start to push my boundaries then it is gonna be a conversation. Yes, I love you a lot and I also want you to take out the trash before you leave for the weekend. Please and thank you.

@JanGroh

9 ай бұрын

And when you do start to set boundaries, you find you are surrounded by users who liked you only as a fawn. Be ready to lose some friends, though you may eventually replace them with other, healthier relationships.

🙋🏻‍♀️ this is me! Fawning, putting everyone first but ME. I gave my whole life away. As a kid I had to fawn to survive pretty brutal physical abuse. Brutal childhood, brutal marriage. My husband passed and now I’m putting myself together trying to find and restore myself. I’m writing because I loved writing as a child. Thank you so much for lighting the path with your hard won wisdom Dr Sage, wow your name fits perfectly 😊

Most of my life I have been a fawn. Now that I'm older and things are different in my life, I'm not so much anymore. But once in a while, I'll catch myself being too much of an empath and not presenting myself with a sense of worth and confidence. It's something you have to watch about yourself. Self care is still a huge issue for me. It's a battle I face every day. Thanks for ALL your videos!! They are so very helpful.

@HeartFeltGesture

Жыл бұрын

Identity crisis is the result of fawning, our natural character becomes so heavily compromised by fear-based accommodating behavior as in fawning, that we lose touch with our authentic self, in this foggy soup of people-pleasing, we are literally trained like a dog by the narcissist, with a smack or a treat. A powerful way to help map back to your authentic self is to meditate. Specifically meditate to reconnect with the simple, original position of conscious awareness, prior to the mind. Resting in Consciousness, Resting in Being, just simply Being, before any self-idea arises, before any thought is had about anything. If thoughts do arise, they are merely seen from the witness position, as a process in Consciousness (the same as the weather, or the movement of the oceans by the moons gravitational influence are processes in Consciousness) and not identified with or followed, just calmly witnessing the procession. This is strengthening the ability to be responsible for attention. A total holiday from conceptualization and trying to figure anything out, trying to make any sense about anything. Feeling into that core stressful motivation that unconsciously drives you into any pursuit, that mixture of excitement, fear, anxiety, hopefulness, recognizing its origin, and relaxing it. The relief is profound, and it is realized how much energy we expend in this emotional pursuit of chronic thinking and self-reflecting, and how this makes us feel emotionally, on the level of feeling awareness. Then the penny drops about how powerful attention is, we are in charge of this tool, attention, its is like a laser pointer, and whatever you come to rest on, you will feel it, have an emotional response to it. We are like addicted dreamers, lost in reveries. Wake up from the spell of mind, the spell of our story, to greatly accelerate healing you can take responsibility for attention. Energy flows where attention goes. "You become (or duplicate the qualities of) whatever you meditate on (or whatever you identify with via the "surrender" that is attention itself)." ~ Avatar Adi Da Samraj

@The-Utube-Warrior

Жыл бұрын

There's no such thing as healthy people the worlds full of selfish narcissistic toxic people that are motivated ego an pride that thinks the world should see life to there PERPECTIVE an are dirtier than theyed ever been not given a chit about NO1 not even the 1 s closest to them an if they can kick you while your down even on your death bedin some cases of there enough for them to gain or revenge an old out of date resentment they never forgave you for.The average or above average person is a devil in disguise these days an like Andrew Womack says if I was God I kick the in tire human race out into outter space.

@DahliaDance

Жыл бұрын

@@HeartFeltGesture THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF. BEAUTIFULLY & INTELLIGENTLY WRITTEN, ALSO. THANK YOU. SO MANY TIMES, THANK YOU. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

@deemaysie6568

Жыл бұрын

@Carrie Lassiter this is my reality as well. Coming to realise how much my giving in for the sake of peace has influenced the position I am now in. I am also learning to do better though.

@carrielassiter8455

Жыл бұрын

@@deemaysie6568 same here. We just keep learning and trying and slowly we do progress. I’m working on kindness toward myself.

I truly wish you could be my Therapist, most of us, feel so freaking alone and that nobody could possibly understand you! We struggle as children, we struggle as adults, especially if we do not get help. The majority of us, don't want to come out weak. Then to add chronic severe pain to your life..... We're basically all alone! Even with family, we don't want to bombard them at all. Yet we're seen as troubled or outcast in the World. I'm so tired, of hearing people say "there's people worse off than you, be grateful you woke up this morning". So our feelings are seriously diminished. It's truly a never ending cycle/battle with our inner selves. 😢

Fawning has been 💯 me. It just feels so icky. And I hate myself for doing it. And then I hate myself for hating myself. And my self-worth becomes less and less. It has been a vicious cycle of self-loathing. 😔

@nellautumngirl

3 ай бұрын

Exactly! I'm an INFP and on the one side at my core I'm very independent and proud, but I'm also fawning because I can't stand someone being angry at me and then I don't respect myself for not standing up for myself.

I realized a little while ago that I really have no idea who *I* am and what *I* want. My whole life has been about trying to live up to other people's expectations. The thing I enjoyed doing most (art) has been tainted and has become no longer enjoyable because that's ALL that I am to other people: The Artist. "She draws so well!", "maybe you can draw something for their birthday", "why don't you and [niece] do some art projects?". And now that I've hit a major artblock after dropping out of art school (again, because other people wanted me to go, not because I particularly wanted to), it feels like I've lost whatever put-on "identity" that I had. Now I'm just floundering. I don't know what I want to do and don't know what would bring me lasting joy because I never gave myself the chance to find it

@parijatsingh5858

5 күн бұрын

Where has the past year led you and what do you think one should do in this situation?

I fawn and don’t even realize it until I’m alone after the fact. Gross feeling.

You just explained why all that assertiveness training I took years ago never stuck: the issue runs much deeper.

I’ve intuitively noticed the fawning response in myself over a decade ago, researched trauma and cptsd 5 years ago - but I STILL UNCONTROLABLY REACT WITH FAWNING in 90% of any human interactions. I became a recluse to stop fawning triggers because mulitple therapies did not lesson my fawning response.

@carrielassiter8455

Жыл бұрын

💕 Just practice. You can play out scenarios in your mind or literally talk it out playing both roles by yourself. As we practice something it becomes more natural to do it. Before you speak or react to a situation, take some moments to decide how you should present yourself as you respond. Don’t let yourself immediately and automatically respond with fawning. The waiting before responding takes practice too. We all understand. 💕

@ganymede...

Жыл бұрын

Same for me. It's quite disappointing when all our efforts show nearly no change. But we have no choice but keep trying. At least a tiny positive change would cheer me up.

@HenockTesfaye

10 ай бұрын

Noticing and understanding is just the first half. You need to delete/replace those compulsions. They EMDR, IFS, and maybe sprinkle some somatic therapies. I've almost stopped fawning because of these.

@jedwardsish

10 ай бұрын

I'm the same way. I have made a conscious decision to not try meeting new people until I know I have changed because I can't bear to be cast into my same old role in relationships anymore.

@BonBonHassan

5 ай бұрын

You have to put yourself in relationships so you can create new habits. It's like pushups, you can only get better if you do them. Ik it's easier said than done, a safe space to practice might be group therapy so you have a community to go back to

Wow does this hit home. I went ten years into adulthood without seeing a doctor or dentist. Once I did start seeing a doctor, my mother’s comment was always “why are you bothering the doctor?” She had me convinced that I didn’t deserve healthcare.

I so appreciate Dr. Sage for honestly sharing her own struggles with social anxiety and business networking and how, instead of trying to force herself into an unnatural (for her) social and business mold, she was compassionate and accepting of herself and utilized her skill of resourcefullness to make her business model fit her natural temperament. Loved that. I felt encouraged by her example. I have struggled with accepting my own social anxiety/avoidance for decades. Thanks, Dr. Sage.

@JediMobius

Жыл бұрын

Same!

@carolynmurphy3697

Жыл бұрын

Here too

Me: “so you’re saying my needs are a burden to you and you wish I never realized i had them?” My narc ex: “YES!”

I have such a huge problem with this. I’m a middle aged self employed carpenter. My “helpfulness” is tied to my income, besides it being a coping strategy from being a kid, raised in a narcissistic family system. I can see now that it dramatically reduced the amount of attacks towards me by being highly valued. But I can go into fawning without realizing it and offer to do things for customers as a solution to their situation and realize afterwards, why did I say that, why did I offer that? What the hell just happened? I have worked hard on internalizing that I am allowed to change my mind and I am safe to communicate it with honesty and integrity. That helps as a means of dealing with it but the fact that it still happens has caused a lot of hesitation and distrust in myself making estimates way harder in ways than ever before.

@jane_7193

Жыл бұрын

Tell me about it. If I were you, in theory at least, I would do a little extra for people who struggle with money. People who are well off, I' d be pretty firm with fees. Perhaps it would be helpful to always make an estimated cost to the client before you accept the job? The client agrees and there' s clarity what you're doing and what is the cost. One reason I cannot start doing a specific business is because I would not be able to charge people. This is true. I suppose Elvis had the same issue, it just showed up him feeling obliged to give money and expensive presents (a house, a car...) to people. Had I money, that' s what I'd feel obliged to do. I don' t know who I am. Due to my childhood role, I end up listening to people who talk non stop about themselves and enjoy my concentrated listening abilities. They don't care to hear about me. I often wonder, who the °ell am I. I am better off with my most lovable dog. I am pleased to make him happy.

@louisetaylor6952

Жыл бұрын

There are so many of us like this...I try to give myself some space before making a decision..."let me run some numbers and I will get back to you," or I'll have to check to see if I'm available then" That gives me time to decide what I really want to do....also, "I see your point, let me give that some thought"... I wish you the very best and I hope you never get taken advantage of by anyone

@sawdustadikt979

Жыл бұрын

@@louisetaylor6952 Thank you for commenting. Despite it being very uncomfortable, I do what you say here. If I’m triggered into doing projective damage control, I do all o can to commit to nothing. But it’s very overwhelming. I’m getting better with repetition and speed of realizing I’m disregulated. I have rescheduled estimates multiple times, seeing that it ok that I claimed some space and the world didn’t end. I’ve said some of the very word tracks you wrote and being genuinely honest with people seems to make them drop their guard a little or maybe at ease with my intentions.

@CH-px1fw

Жыл бұрын

@@sawdustadikt979 are you a man? You seem to be very in touch with yourself and communicate it very well.

@sawdustadikt979

Жыл бұрын

@@CH-px1fw yup

This is so validating. I feel like I was suffocated and this is telling me it wasn’t right that my oxygen was cut off

I appreciate that you mentioned Pete walkers book “complex PTSD:From Surviving to Thriving”. Also, thank you for sharing your vulnerability. 💜🙏

@KimberleyJP

Жыл бұрын

Certainly is an outstanding book!

If I am correct, then fawning is a response to a perceived threat. So, if we are fawning in our relationships, the question becomes, why do we feel threatened in our relationship with others? Could it be something to do with a pyramid shape? We fear authority figures. We are terribly insecure with peers. We prefer to 'date down' but this in unequal and gives no satisfaction. Is the insecurity with peers a mirror image of our relationship with our siblings ?

I've noticed in many cases, I know people who over apologize when it comes to unnecessary stuff - but they can't give a real apology when it counts and would repair the relationship.

This resonates so deeply, it’s shocking

This is a very sobering video. I've always been a people pleaser putting my own needs aside. One example is, People think I'm cheap because I don't buy myself anything. They don't understand, I don't feel I am deserving... has nothing to do about the money..

I've had a traumatic childhood from a narc household. I've seen so many others have a similar childhood and heal WAY later in life ( 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. ), IF they heal at all. I have honestly been more afraid of NOT healing and holding myself back, than I am of putting in the work to heal and be better. I am in my early 20s, and I can fairly say my core mother wound is now a scar. I have an entire life ahead of me to keep healing minor tendencies ( like fawning ) and truly live in the moment. C-PTSD can seriously destroy you if you allow it. It really is up to you to take massive action and heal. Good luck to anyone on this healing journey, it is NOT easy, but it IS worth it!

@alexiswinter6948

Жыл бұрын

The reason you see people in their 50s 60s and 70s just now healing is because we didn't have videos like this. There was no family systems therapy. There was no cptsd. There was no one to talk to. You have a wealth of therapists and a wealth of information. We didn't.

This was me. Up until last year. I'll be 31 this October. It's a VERY hard to pattern to break out of personally as I've experienced childhood trauma. It landed me in tonnes of trouble and that caused more trauma ! Cause I'd be quiet and not speak up if my friends' came up with stupid ideas back in school and somehow, whenever we ended up in trouble, I'd be blamed even when I had nothing to do with it and I'd willingly take the blame . I wouldn't speak up for fear of being left out in the group. It caused me years of pain and misery. I can't rewrite the past but I can choose to do better in future.

I am 59 and just learning al of this. 100% Me. UGH!!!!

No wonder I've been in so many toxic and abusive relationships. This helps me stay away from fawning...and be me!

Thank you so much for making this video. Would you mind making more videos on fawning? Every point you made describes me to a T. I was horribly bullied as a child during most of my formative years and then I'd come home from school to a violent/neglectful alcoholic father and my mother coped with it by SCREAMING at her children. Her moods were unpredictable and to this day the sound of stomping footsteps is a trigger. Our parents had horrible fights in front of us All. The. Time. If they were screaming at each other though it meant they weren't screaming at us. And for me, being bullied is NOT a little trauma, it is a Big Trauma. There was no adult I could turn to with my feelings, let alone needs I didn't even know I had (I grew up in a small town, the parents of my bullies were all friends with each other and the teachers). I learned very very young that if I appeased my peers and parents they'd lessen up for a little while. I also feel like there's so much shame around this particular trauma response because almost by definition its where you don't stand up for yourself. You're a coward, weak, a push-over... "she just lets people walk all over her so she deserves it." It's SO HARD to talk about because again, people think you deserve it. I feel like I am blamed for my own trauma. Anyway, thank you for the video and I'd love to see more on the fawn response.

@juliebraden4865

Жыл бұрын

I relate to your childhood a lot. My coping mechanism was being class clown to survive at school. At home I hid from my rage-aholic dad. Us kids (and mom) walked on eggshells to keep the peace. At 65 I still avoid conflict until I usually get defensive, then feel shame for how I sometimes react. Bullies disgust me, and I still defiantly stand up to them. It's complicated.

@DahliaDance

Жыл бұрын

THIS!! 💙🙏🏼 So painful… constant bullying, the heavy footsteps, loud sounds made by human hands, shouting, crying…. Ugh…. Feeling like an utter disappointment and perpetually pleasing to lessen the pain…. 😓 Yes…. Please more info on fawning. 💙🙏🏼

@roxanecarbery4944

Жыл бұрын

I’m also triggered by stomping footsteps

@carrielassiter8455

Жыл бұрын

Wow, you articulated this SO well! I’m so very sorry you’ve had to endure all of this. You were a precious child and that child is still within you and is still precious. You are NOT responsible for all this trauma and you get up and tell yourself that every day.

@rowanstarling3816

Жыл бұрын

Your story is very similar to my own. It's hard to even acknowledge, because I honestly never saw my mother as a narcissist (I think more like Borderline Personality), but she was like your mother in many ways; angry, yelling...and then there was the beatings, the hair pulling, slapping, throwing of things, etc. We were terrified of her and then she went back to work when I was 11 and from that moment on, we learned to take care of everything on the farm. Chores began at 6 am, feeding the horses and goats, milking the goats and also cooking cleaning, shopping when I was old enough to drive. I was also horribly bullied at school, but mom was not a safe person to go to, so I was 'sick' a lot and lived in fantasy land. My sister says that I was a hyper-sensitive child and so everyone was careful not to make me cry. *shrug* I realized as an adult that I am HSP, very intuitive, and empathic. (My dad was very intuitive as well) I have known I had c-ptsd for many years now, but I really connected it to trauma in adulthood, because once my mom left and divorced my alcoholic dad when I was 17 (dad was funny, hard-working, life of the party guy) she became a totally different person, very kind, loving and for many years dove deeply into self-help...back in the 80's. However, I grew up to marry a horribly abusive alcoholic, divorced and was with another alcoholic for 8 years who was a lot like my dad, but also a cheater. After we broke up, I've spent the past 6 years on and off working on myself, therapy, self-help and I was horribly obese as well and lost over a120 lbs. over a 15-year period. I still struggle with weight, which I believe is part of my self-sabotage programming, low self-esteem, etc. I eat really healthy...for the most part, workout now, and have connecting weight issues, self-esteem with childhood trauma, relationship trauma and still peeling back the layers. I am currently engaged to someone who is sober and struggling with his own trauma from also being the child of alcoholics, was terribly neglected and then went on to marry a narcissist. He finally divorced over a year ago. We communicate beautifully with each other and support each other's healing journey.

Dear God!!! I walk around with a limp. I bite down on a rag rather than go to the dentist. I literally told a boyfriend ,'I don't matter,you do.' I fix, mend, help and order other people and their lives. I attract THE most selfish human beings. One partner said,' If you need help with anything, just imagine I'm not here and then do it yourself.' I eat bad food in restaurants because I don't want to offend the waiter. When I'm not helping or fixing others I lie down (on the floor) and don't do anything.

@DahliaDance

Жыл бұрын

You deserve to feel better and treat yourself with RESPECT. Dump that person who said that to you, go to the dentist, get into a yoga or dance class, and tell everybody to suck an egg while you get better. Seriously.

It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Never give in. Never give up hope. Thank you for speaking the truth. Im in the present moment.

Such a great round up of fawning! This is WHY I'm SO passionate about conscious parenting! I spent most of my life fawning/masking as a late diagnosed Autistic person, and so much of my life has been exactly as you describe... I've done so much healing to be able to stop relying on this coping strategy. My young daughter is hypervigalant and I believe relying on fawning due to being conditioned by my emotionally immature parents, just as I was, to be the Golden Child and it makes me SICK with worry! She was taken away from me 8 months ago, due to my perceived 'mental health issues' which was really me part way through healing and having dropped the fawning and reigniting my more true fierce advocating nature, and trying to get her the help she desperately needs... My toxic family threw me under the bus saying I don't believe in boundaries and discipline and that 'shes always been this way'... That's all it took for services to place her in my parents' care..! No amount of explaining myself and how I'm an SME in intergenerational trauma and attachment theory etc will get services or my parents to acknowledge just how clearly I have a handle on this situation and my daughters true needs... We are now caught in the family court system and may be for another year or more! It is heartbreaking.

@skippy7208

Жыл бұрын

That sounds such a horrendous situation Kimberley, sending hugs to you 🤗

@corneliusprentjie-maker6715

Жыл бұрын

wonder how the court sleeps at night?

@KimberleyJP

Жыл бұрын

@@skippy7208 Many thanks. It certainly is! In the meantime I'm continuing my education in my niche and building an online platform for a mental health coaching business specialising in neurodivergancy and international trauma. I'm a formidable businesswoman and warrior mama so they will have a very hard time discrediting me when we do finally get to court!

@KimberleyJP

Жыл бұрын

@@corneliusprentjie-maker6715 I agree! It's a travesty and a huge problem with a totally inadequate family court system in my country.

@YOU-niter

Жыл бұрын

Awful!.. hope you get the outcome you deserve. My family were put through a similar situation 2 yrs ago now. My daughter had a knock on the door one night from social services from one of her twin sons having a bite mark on him from his twin brother, school had reported it! Turned my daughters life upside down & mine. I had to sign a contract stating I would not let my twin grandsons side 24/7 which put enormous awkward strain on our family & huge strain on mine with my daughter! I complained to head office about how social services need to change their approach as the way they approached & invaded, infringed on our family was disgraceful & HUGELY damaging.

I just found your videos!! Amazing! I have autism, masked till diagnosis at age 57 last year, loads of trauma etc.. Can never relax and now have 3 autoimmune diseases, one of them temporal arteritis, just been diagnosed. Everything you are saying makes so much sense. I've been actively trying to heal for decades and your work is so valuable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🥰❤

This is so validating. I have been listening to CPTSD and HSP-related stuff for a long time now (unfortunately only discovered these things later in life) and I learned a lot and it helped, but I think this is the first time I've ever heard a talk that touched this exact nerve. I knew I was a "chameleon" (before I ever heard the term) long ago and actually thought it was something to be proud of. Now I realize all the pain inside of me that came from pretending that my own self didn't matter at all. I have been so damaged but have experienced so much growth and healing. Unfortunately, I doubt that bouts of depression will ever completely disappear though I am grateful they occur less and less often because I know how to protect myself from triggers more and more. Thank you for this validation.

When you described the problems, I just "yes, yes, and yes". Recognized everything. One problem with this is that if one gets to see a therapist, one automacitally scans for what they want (what kind of patient, what kind of therapy)....

I wish there is doctors like Dr Sage in France.

Yes I have fibromyalgia and ibs from childhood trauma. Work on healing every day.

100% how my childhood was and what I struggle with still

@DahliaDance

Жыл бұрын

Same

Oh, God! I literally mean that cry to God. Three minutes in and I am awestruck and bawling. I"m working on healing. I can see this SO CLEARLY how and why I've had so many narcs in my life. As long as I wasn't in a relationship, I was functional and highly productive in business and at peace with God, isolated - not letting anyone in. I'm disabled so this was a necessity.. But the isolation, my whole life long periods in between relationships, was also a response to the narcs and relationships that left me so unfulfilled. And, I'd seem to over-give and couldn't do both work and the relationship. with an emotionally unavailable man. Well, I've been celibate and single for 30 years. I'm traditional. I just figured i couldn't find the right man and was serious about being a Christian. Making my way out of narc friendship now, or Borderline horrible sabotage and utterly wicked, having to get all my belongings back after ghosting. I trusted again. Well, this time, I have discovered SO MUCH help on youtube and internet, like this beautiful Dr. Sage here. This video cuts so deep in a good way - discovery and crystal clear seeing something I've yet to know. WOW! JUST WOW. I knew my nervous system is wired because of trauma and neglect narc mom, but I've mostly just been collecting videos as I"m hanging by a thread to get safe and settled to heal. I've watched some videos and have started to heal, but mostly i've been preparing. Already, I've come a long way. You are never too old to heal and give yourself the love first and have richer relationships. Don't look back. And, if you've been hurt by narcs, don't give up on love as I did. You have so much healing available to you, therapy, and doctors on the internet - youtube here - to heal yourself so you WILL have that love and marriage you deserve. I may or may not get it. I know one thing is that I am shaking it off and healing deep. Already I am so much freer. I just haven't had the chance to utilize and systematically put myself through therapy on the internet. Some may need to see a doc. Maybe I will. I am more of a hands on, help myself one. And, these coaching and learning videos are INCREDIBLE. I am deeply grateful to you, Dr. Sage. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm in the midst of heavy trauma now through brutal circumstance and I am already so much stronger not just from before I met, but through understanding what' i've learned so far and facing the pain within, defined. That's the key. One has to be able to see and define the hidden pain and how and why we've had such troubled relationships. I never believed from first discovery what narc was that I attracted them. I knew that there were the others before in my life. It is the WIRING through the childhood trauma. So, we respond unhealthy , destructive to ourselves to these kinds that are wicked and traumatize. Yes, I call them wicked. The weaklings never did introspective work in their lives. They are cowards and cruel. I don't forgive them, nor do i have compassion for them. I have been doing introspective work since teen, reading self-development, psychology, and facing all the pain in life. They NEVER face it, are not accountable, are intentional in their actions, without remorse, cruel, vindictive, spoiled brats. Many of these narcs and borderlines are this way because they were spoiled brats with trauma from neglect and the patterns, but they NEVER took responsibility, practiced their wickedness, chose this, and exploited and harmed others with INTENTION. Shame on these b-turds from the pits of hell - including my mother. I'm not bitter, though this is where i conclude. I release them and shake them off. I understand them all to well to know I do not choose to forgive them. My mother i forgive, because that is different. But, the narcs not my mother and borderlines, i do not.

🌱🌏💚 I cycle through responses. Ie: a fawn response triggers a fight response. Then.... sensory overload, meltdowns & burnout. Cptsd & undiagnosed (until recently) ASD. An absolute mental f🤬king nightmare. Thank you Dr Kim, I appreciate your videos & candour very much. In the process of finding the correct therapy & life support for my specific needs. It's really difficult but I'm determined to not exist in this mental prison any longer.

Love this - i exist, i matter ❤🙏

Whew you aint kidding that fawning ruins relationships. I stuck around for wayyyyyyyyy too long fawning over some guy who was not interested

@DrKimSage

Жыл бұрын

Ugh yes, I am so sorry and I so understand! It really does keep us in the game too long....sending love and support to you today❤️

@raina4732

Жыл бұрын

Yes, been there! I stayed for so long and got so sick (literally I was vomiting) because everything in me wanted to leave him and was screaming inside, but I felt too guilty and kept putting him above me. I suppressed myself in every way. I still do in many ways, but I’m slowly learning who I am.

@prettypuff1

Жыл бұрын

@@raina4732 I had a full scale breakdown over him.

I'm so grateful to hear these thoughts! As you were talking, I was like "Wait, you mean not everyone does this? I thought everyone was like this." Work in progress! Thank you!

Caught myself doing the “I’m sorry” thing last night…the quickly following it up with “no , I’m not sorry.” It was like I finally realized there is no need to apologize for being me. These people don’t know me and I owe them nothing. So who cares?

I feel so seen. Esp the apologizing and the shallow talk with so called good friends. Thanks for this Dr. Kim. More self fullness work needed..

Thank you! Growth is slow....but it does happen.

I love how honest and relatable you are with your own stories and issues (and the way you speak and express yourself). Especially in this video how you showcase that we don't need to make ourselves be the standard that society seems to expect but can still be functional and useful in our own ways. Thank you for your knowledge and putting yourself and your unique way out (t)here.

I think my mother had BPD and NPD characteristics and as a result she never showed interest in anything I did, except when she planned it. She never ever asked me anything about my life, my thoughts. She died 2 years ago. She needed constant reassurance that she was loved but she was bottomless in that regard. Without exaggeration she knew nothing about me. As a result because neither parent were emotionally available and neither knew anything about me, I have trouble talking about myself outside of my partner. I'm a great conversationalist and can draw the other person out and hsve them talk endlessly about themselves and at the end of the night they will know very little if anything at all about me. I probably would have made a great spy 😂 . I'm not sure how to change that. I will have to work on it.

😭😭😭 I need to listen to this every single day

I am so like you... Cannot stand surface converstaion. One on one communications really fill my soul.

That is what I heard all through my childhood--if you want to cry I'll give you something to cry about.

Self focus is not selfish

When you mentioned the workplace environment, schools and teachers came to mine. Most elementary teachers are females who start teaching at a very young age and never do anything else career-wise. There may be a strong correlation between the demise of educational quality and teachers not standing up to bad practices showing up in our schools. They want to keep administration and parents happy. (They are fawning.) Schools have been diverging from the basic responsibility to educate and have started taking on responsibility for fixing society's problems. (Yes, I know "correlation is not causation," but sometimes it might be!) In the eighties, they took on self-esteem and cooperative learning. Teachers were pushed to become nurses, therapists, social workers, policemen, and parents which greatly diluted their ability to address education, the only skill they were trained to use. As immigration increased they took on responsibility for solving all the issues involved in language acquisition, inherent differences in cultures, gangs, etc., without acknowledging the impact on our culture and the political, long-term implications. They became increasingly political as they were forced to address race and sex. They started telling kids what to think instead of giving facts and teaching critical thinking skills. Perhaps they lacked the confidence to stand up and critically assess what was happening to education and say no to doing things not in their job descriptions. One administrator praised teachers at an awards banquet with these words, "Teachers are the most flexible people I know. They take on without complaint any job they are given." Our society does not respect teachers. Perhaps they don't respect themselves. Always wondered about the saying: "Those who can't, teach." It should have been, "Those who can't say no, should not teach."

Wow! I think every point applied to me😵‍💫 I never knew there was a label (fawning) for it but I know it came from growing up with an alcoholic father and then a first marriage to a narcissistic alcoholic. So much fear and trying to be the perfect child/wife and never succeeding (at least at the second one) I was always labelled the "perfect child" because, in hindsight now, I stifled all my needs and tried to do everything to stay out of trouble. I have always been the caregiver. Wow again, I could go on and on but thanks for this. 🙏💜

Exvellent. I ve searced exactly this information without finding it, until now. It is a huge void not knowing who I am because I've surrounded myself with people whom I am there for. Even an old school mate needed me to be a furniture to whom this person can talk aboit themselves, non stop. I leave exhausted wondering where do I come into my life. There' s lacking the mirror people about me, balanced give and take.

This is so helpful. Speaking of the extent of helpfulness of therapy- if therapists could recommend videos like this to watch in conjunction with therapy I’ve would have gotten so much more out of it than ( what i see as) superficial and short term help from CBT.

This Fawning thing reminds me of past term people pleasing, though may be incorporate more as we learn more about what makes humans tick.

Oh you make me smile so much, yes I think one of the best things about modern life is no uncomfortable phone calls now!😂 I relate to all of this so much and am slowly learning to let go of being everything to everyone but me to myself ❤

WoW Dr Kim when u said ‘ I exist in response to other people’ described me and my life to a T. Such an understandable way of explaining it rather than just putting others before urself. I’m learning to exist as an individual now as most everyone believed a smear campaign and the ill and very malicious intention of it. I appreciate learning from ur knowledge, thank you 🙏🏼. I finally get to remember myself in my own right.

This is me…my whole life 😢

@DahliaDance

Жыл бұрын

Same. Healing.

Kim your skin and and hair well all of you inside and out is beautiful thank you for dealing with fawning just what i need at this time in my healing journey ❤❤

I loved what you said about surface conversations. I can't deal with them either, it's so shallow. I'd rather be alone.

I've become very aware that I have an unhealthy need for validation from other people. Now, I kinda 'short circuit' and go numb when I realize again and again that I worry about doing the next little thing because someone might object/reject. Kim, I admire your willingness here to again and again express your vulnerability and your strength in a consistent flow of communication. I think you're doing great things here... and I'm grateful.

@dolorestroeller4734

Жыл бұрын

I relate to the validation need. As soon as someone disagrees..I think to myself There it is, “I’m wrong I’m different what should I have said.?” I can no longer have a debate with anyone about anything either, as soon as they say something about my opinion it triggers the belief that I’m wrong and difficult and My brain shuts down completely. I actually go silent. I’m flustered and have to walk away than I’m told “see you’re mad” You always think your right.. no I just can’t think of something else to say. I can’t defend my opinion once someone tells me you just think your right or deflects the comment with something I did or said in the past. I’ve become an introvert to stop feeling so much pain 😢

With so many 'difficult ' personality people we encounter daily, not fawning is not always an option, as it has served us well to spot behaviour in others that are bound to walk all over any boundary regardless.

Yesterday I had a breakthrough an hour after discussing a difficult colleague with my boss and my boss dismissed it I realised this was my bosses total inability to deal with it and that he should be taking steps to manage the situation.

That’s the problem with putting EveryOne 1st We’ve taught them we come 2nd..😏 Including OurSelves🤯 & now I’ve recognised this & am desperately trying to set boundaries etc family etc are getting mad. That’s the thing The only people mad at you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you have none. I feel so sorry for MySelf how I neglected MySelf all my life🖤

I was a director of a non-profit and then owned my own business, and both of these careers required me to try and network. I wanted it to be easy like it seemed for others, but it just never was, and I always dreaded it and was completely drained and exhausted afterwards. Sometimes I would leave too and feel defective. Until recently I had no idea what my problem was, and I felt so faulty compared to others to whom it seemed to come so easy. Thank you, thank you for sharing!

So we are left with a compromised and confused identity. We have been like an actor, who has become lost in character. Who Am I, before any of my story? This is a profound question for anyone to ask, and it puts you into a state of mindless presence. There seems to be a duality of the thinker and the thought. Who Am I?, before any thought or self-idea arises? Who Am I, prior to my inner narrative? If you can observe thought, if you can Witness thoughts arising to your awareness, this must mean you truly exist in a position prior to thought. What do thoughts do to the Native Inherent Happiness of Being Itself? Meditation is a matter of coming to rest in the native position, the mindless feeling of Being. The ability of being able to focus attention, to become aware of where your attention is going and how it is making you feel. It is not a matter of fighting against thought, it is about a relaxed observation of the thought process itself, instead of the usual unconscious fascination and absorption in the content of thinking. What would happen if I only existed in the prior position of mindless embodiment? Is this Enlightenment? Is This Reality? Is This Truth? Is This Happiness? While we have been psychologically abused and had a sustained identity crises, and been made to suffer greatly, we have also been afforded the opportunity to deeply consider our identity, because it has been so greatly challenged by an unbalanced force, after the result of being raised by a mentally unstable caregiver.

@paulbrown7357

Жыл бұрын

Observed thought,prior thought to araign, governed perception and thought broadcast are each outside of the type of mental activity that you can classify as thought.Neurosis of that may ignore the thought one plus one is two,so linking acuity and aptitude to some forms of criterion eg flight,form,stream,perserveration,verbigeration would seem rational.

I've for decades wondered about my very stiff and tense body, and only recently (I'm almost 46) understood it to be a trauma response. I'll start looking into this, thank you. I thought my family was weird and had to hide the truth for others: my grandmothers deep depression, my dad left, my aunt's extreme anger.. I discovered others described my aunt as so funny and cool - I never knew her that way, I only knew I couldn't risk breaking that facade to anyone. So I guess I started to tip-toe...

This is such an affirming talk, Kim. I can’t thank you enough. I thought it was just me and I was so ashamed of being like this. Now I can see how I developed this response and I can also see how to begin to come back from it.

In my 70s now, and I'm only just beginning to realize I've spent my whole life trying to adjust to other people and to society. I had a 'good' childhood but despite that, my fawning has always been through the roof, with all the characteristics mentioned in this video. But I've come to realize that I can't tolerate the chit-chat trivial BS which society endlessly goes in for and which is mentioned in this video, but which I've always vainly attempted to join in with. So I no longer attempt to totally join in with this, and I focus more on where I'm at and the conversations I need. Detaching myself from the trivial side of society has given me a feeling of inner authenticity and power like nothing else has, and I've had to re-evaluate what my idea of femininity has always been, to understand that it can also include personal power. Thank you for this video.

So true! Thanks for the video!❤

Extremely helpful, THANK YOU!

I'm so glad I found you!❤

This nailed it for me.

A marvellous video thank you for posting it!

Maybe I’m rare but here’s what happens with me. I either put someone else’s needs first and completely lose myself or else if they put my needs I lavish in it so much that I neglect the other person. It’s like it can’t be a give and take. It can’t be reciprocal. It has to be one or the other. Period. Ironically even when someone is giving me everything I want I STILL lose myself through inmeshment. This is why at nearly 50 years of age I have never had a relationship past 6 months. I simply fall apart. Totally disfunctional. It’ll be that way until I die. I’m not even looking for pity. It’s just a fact and I don’t care anymore. It’s simply not worth it. Life is too short to try and overcome such torture.

Thank you. Didn't see this Important piece in the puzzle.

I am like you, Dr. Sage, about not being able to have real conversations with people. This is extremely difficult today due to political correctness. We are afraid to say anything. Being real isn't easy.

Thank you for posting this video. It’s exactly what I needed ❤

best description of “fawn” I have heard.

My father told us that he did not want us. It was so traumatic! He hit my face so hard when I was in high school that he gave me black eyes, when I was a child, he put me in the corner all the time and he told me he hated me and it was just horrible. So, honestly, I’ve had to work on believing I am valuable or worth it and I wake up every day and I still carry a lot of that non-valuable, stupid, unworthy thoughts

This was a beautifully done video thank you! And that GORGEOUS setting was amazing too ❤

These videos are incredibly helpful to me, thank you so so much.

Great info. Thank you. 🙏 I didn't realise that I became a fawner but I can see it so clearly now.

I needed to hear all that right in this moment in my life. Thank you.

What a fabulous message! Thank you 😊❤

It's incredible how accurate your description pictures my childhood and present life. I wonder how much pain I could have avoid or still avoid if you could be my therapist or if I would have seen you for years. I have all those issues it's really hard

This and your avoidant attachment videos sound like the story of my life. It’s so strange to hear my general mindset put into words like that.

@crazy-maxedout8512

Жыл бұрын

Bruhhhhh it's so fucking scary

@natalieparker3187

Жыл бұрын

Couldn’t agree more. It’s truly amazing hearing all this and how it allows us to shift away from bad and old patterns. Like a freakin miracle, really. Dr Kim and Dr Ramani have changed my life. I’m so grateful.

I'm so happy I found this channel. You're so on point, lucid, real, remarkable, and this information is needed.

Oh gosh I fawned so much to my evil narc stepmom. She's been dead to me for a long time now. I think of that meme where the person is vomiting and it says "when I think of how I treated you vs how I should have" or something to that effect

This hits the nail on the head for me. Accurate description. Thank you very much. I appreciate your work a lot

I'm grateful that you put this out there...I feel understood finally. Thank you!

Thank you so much Dr. Kim you’ve helped me so much 💜

Thank you for this! I love your videos and how open and honest you are. It feels so good to be understood!

Thank you for helping me realize I'm not crazy. ❤

So interesting, I recognise much of this in me. I know that people used to vomment on my apologizing for everything. I can’t say what needs I have, other than, food, sleep and clothing. I don’t know what a normal family is like, or how it differs from enmeshment.

Love you Dr. Kim! Thanks for encouraging us to take care of ourselfes, to stop doing things we hate as fx superficial bs talks and people pleasing and thanks for spreading the good energy!!

Thank you ❤ I really appreciate these videos. It’s helping me to understand ‘why’ 🙏🏻

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for this video. I did not realize the extent or depth of this topic. Bless you for all your hard work