One thing that’s hard for DAs to understand I think: yes relationships feel good sometimes but that’s not love. Love is a choice not a feeling.

@rupertperiwinkle4477

3 ай бұрын

Avoidants chase good feelings that bring them a dopamine rush.

I dated my ex for 9 months and i once asked him if he "even likes me?". Hes the first man i ever asked that and he'd say i wouldnt be doing this and this if i didnt. I'm secure but knowing him (egotistical, pride, and "this is me") made me anxious and afyer many talks for us to work and meet in the middle, i walked away. However, i asked him if we could talk, and seek counseling as a last result, and he ignored me. Two weeks later he texts me that we shiuld end it because of the conflicts and that he didn't know how to fix ( i told him how to fix it but he didnt want to).

@livinmylife5025

Ай бұрын

Wow. Just completely heartless.

Tyson is definitely on his healing journey for sure. I’d be interested in follow up interviews 2 years down the line, 5 years, etc

“Dont put so much focus into one person forever” ummmm that’s usually the point in a relationship to be together forever not to just create senseless connections with multiple people for a temporary dopamine rush… weird thinkinh

@abes2758

4 ай бұрын

Agree! Honestly I don’t understand DA’s at all

@gagemountz9314

4 ай бұрын

@@abes2758 I started looking into this stuff because I was going through so much from a break up where the person ghosted me. At this point it’s happened multiple times from the same person lol I just recently did the ending things this time for the first time

@gagemountz9314

4 ай бұрын

But all this avoidant stuff fits her description perfectly. It’s weird dealing with these people they do things so perfectly that it keeps you around. In my case this person seems to be legitimately a good person and quality potential just so damn emotionally closed off with the occasional effort put in to try and work on things but it seems like it’s extremely hard for them. Quite annoying actually and at this point it’s been years on and off and I’m just getting sick of it. They over complicate the communication

@rupertperiwinkle4477

3 ай бұрын

If they're so scared of emotions and closeness, then they shouldn't be in relationships in the first place. But alas, they want surface level connections & casual sex because it's all they can handle.

@gagemountz9314

3 ай бұрын

@@rupertperiwinkle4477 it seems like the ultimate level of selfishness dont it? lol I been dealing with one off and on for years

Thank you so much for posting your lives on KZread! They're much easier for me to watch and bookmark here, especially since I have screen time limited on my social media apps like Instagram. 🙏

@KenReidCo

9 ай бұрын

I'm so glad!

From one on the anxious end, thank you. This has been very helpful.

"Every partner is just an experience." Hard disagree from the perspective of dealing with avoidance. I really value what Tyson is saying here and the perspective he's giving, but I feel like statements like this are ways of not putting himself out there and minimising hurt associated with taking a big risk in love. I'm not saying this mindset isn't valuable to cope with the potential of finding someone important (loss mitigation and fear of rejection), so keeping things lowkey in their mind probably helps with this process until they find someone they feel they can more deeply invest in, but at the end of the day, you're looking for a relationship. - This will or should be an important thing to you (not the *only* thing, but if you want someone who'll be with you through life, you have to match that expectation with ow much importance you place on the person themselves). - Re-jigging your world so that this person is more at the centre of it shouldn't be viewed as a negative. - If someone displays upset at the thought of losing you, yes, that can be a sign of trauma or abandonment fears, but it can also just be a sign of extreme upset. That's not always a black-and-white "this must be pathology" value judgement. Tyson's on a journey, so I understand these are all steps in the process but...if you're not with someone who has the potential to deeply wound you (but you know in 99.99% of cases would do anything they could to prevent this from happening), you're not doing it right.

@GhostDad1

29 күн бұрын

So well said!

Interesting that Tyson interpreted his partners as needy and clingy, then puts them down for not being independent like him. Hmmmm. Was this before or after you used affection as a faucet to turn on and off at your pleasure? Classic blame game. You were big cause of the anxious partner. You were the one refusing intimacy. Using it as a tool to control. At keast the anxious person was being authentic. They lean in. You lean out. You blame them. Classic denial. Stay single dude. The way you rationalize it is exhausting. Everything always about you. Yuck. But thanks for being honest about it. Refreshing. But no

@rupertperiwinkle4477

3 ай бұрын

Excellent way you described it "using affection as a faucet to turn On/Off at your pleasure". I think avoidants are users. They need connection (like all humans), but for them surface level is all they can handle. They use people. Then discard them when emotions/closeness gets too much for them, and they away like scared cats. Hyper independence isn't healthy either, but they think it is.

@joneill4380

2 ай бұрын

I felt that he was blaming anxious people more than taking responsibility. I was only anxious because of my avoidant. They make us anxious and then we get blamed for it

I relate to this. I also have attracted a guy who wanted to change me and was even vocal about what I needed to change (we'd only been out for a few months) . At the beginning, the love bombing was intense and it was very addictive to receive. Kind of like coming to the surface to breathe after being underneath the ocean for many years. My ex would take that as me not caring about myself or him or our relationship and I felt that pressure to change for him, as him not accepting me for me, more of that same rejection. I also dated other dissmisve avoidants as well and then due to my own dismissive avoidant dad- I became that over time. It all steams from that seed of rejection. I learnt ( because my dad often emotionally deregulated), to anticipate my dad's needs above my own and to walk on egg shells, but I became the person in my household growing up, I feared the most. In my first relationship I was the more anxious attachment type that needed valdiation and due to impacted rejection or what I perceived to be rejection, I became unknowingly, the avoidant over many, many years. So crazy. I guess I was in a fight or flight, mode of self preservation and the the hyper independence and years of also being single as well as being in relationships, means I could not connect very well either. Getting too close meant REJECTION. The biggest fear. I'm getting better from therapy and books and healing.

Being gay and living in the outback is difficult enough but then negotiating the roller coaster of an avoidant makes life very challenging but it's still going. Thx to your help. Cheers

@desertdog8006

3 ай бұрын

You guys are awesome

If it weren’t for pictures and text messages people would think I was out of my mind. I was married at one point in my life and he passed away. Breaking up with the avoidant feels worse than death. I’m seeking help for my depression.

When you are a woman and you reach a certain age, situationships or shorter relationships you can learn from are not what you desire if you want to have kids and stability, so while "zero pressure" and just going with the flow sounds like a cool idea when you're younger at some point you may crave a partner you can have a stable family and grow old with.

@july7578

2 ай бұрын

Exactly 💯

This was fabulous I never realized how trauma can be produced as a child by being known or praised fir being perfect in something or for something..

My now ex DA in his mid thirties’ longest relationship was 9 months.

This was such a great episode!

He didn’t listen to the question at all

@user-th1th1ot8d

4 ай бұрын

Oooh mg, I thought the same thing.

Why do we seek? Is there any reason to seek a better future if we're fully comfortable and content with the way our body feels now? When thoughts slow down, you may notice that there is discomfort in the body, which may show up in a myriad of ways: pain, anxiety, anger, or any other sensation or emotion. This is part of the reason that we get addicted to thought- because it’s an immediately available way to avoid or try to fix the way our bodies feel. We won't be able to rest in presence for very long if we keep ignoring or avoiding discomfort. Rather, we'll continue to follow thoughts about past and future. We'll keep trying to escape. So, how do we bring direct attention to the energies of our body? The first step is to acknowledge that you are feeling something. We tend to acknowledge emotions and sensations first through the mind... We might think, "I’m angry," or "I’m afraid of what might happen," or we may simply notice that something is bothering us... But we can't feel emotions or sensations through thinking. These thoughts are narratives or labels for how we feel. They are not the actual energies themselves. For example, if you have the thought "I have a stomachache," that thought is a label for something that is actually happening in your body, apart from the thought. In order to actually feel or experience the stomachache directly, you would have to bring attention down into the stomach area and feel it without thoughts on it. The same is true for all emotions and sensations. Once you acknowledge that you feel something or have been triggered by someone or some event, bring attention very gently to the body where you feel the actual emotion or sensation. With your attention there, feel into the sensation or emotion, and see if you can notice the peripheral space around it at the same time. Let the emotion or sensation just hang there in that open space, without trying to change, neutralize, or get rid of it. It is common to want to change, neutralize, or get rid of bodily energies. Just notice any tendency to want to do these things. This is resistance at work, and trying to stop that resistance from happening is simply adding more resistance. Bear in mind that we give power to words, pictures, and bodily energies by turning awareness away from them. And we diminish their power by turning toward them and remaining aware of them until they fade naturally. That one simple understanding, if turned into a daily practice, is highly transformative.

@traceykeary5332

3 ай бұрын

Wonderful comment. Learning to lean into the sensations in the body until they shift (without labelling & making up stories) is so healing.

Tyson, thank you for this. I can understand myself and my relationship with my ex-girlfriend so much better now

@KenReidCo

8 ай бұрын

Glad to hear it

It is a reall mind fuck when someone is saying with their mouth that they Love you, but they act like they don't even want to be with you

42:50 i do that too but he got defensive again 😂

good video!

@KenReidCo

10 ай бұрын

Glad you enjoyed it

26:25 hmm good point. My ex had a traumatic childhood... i was hoping to work through it with him though

It's pretty much trauma based stoicism. That's why they're attractive but it's corrupted

Jesus is right there with you. Jesus will deliver and heal you. Keep crying out to Jesus. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, while surrendering to, and resting in Him, with complete yielded dependence on Him. God bless you.

Tyson you also seem like you might be a virgo, are you?