Women will stay until the relationship is set on fire. How about we leave when we smell smoke so we don’t have to heal so long from the burns.

@NallahBrown

Жыл бұрын

This analogy 🔥😮‍💨

@AriaIndy

Жыл бұрын

Said it soo well!

@octaviad9082

Жыл бұрын

A WORD📌

@Autumn-zd9nq

Жыл бұрын

Wooooo! That part!

@truthseeker8752

Жыл бұрын

Well said!

If someone makes you deeply confused...they’re not for you. Something meant for you doesn’t come with confusion/toiling. Things just naturally fall into place.

@toomuchinformation

6 ай бұрын

Preach. You shouldn't be swimming upstream all the time.

I say this with love: If you are not thriving in a relationship, it's a no. Also, trauma bonding and soul mates/twin flames are not the same thing. 12 years is a long time to deny yourself the love, caring and respect you deserve. Also, therapy...that's all.

The idea of a singular soulmate has us in a chokehold. We all have multiple potential soul mates, and it’s great to find one of them - but continued love in relationship is a choice. If you’re not receiving that, it’s ok to let them go. You won’t miss out.

@mentalcat9529

Жыл бұрын

Also your soul mate can also be a friend, someone that is not your partner or a future partner

@candacethecreative

Жыл бұрын

@@mentalcat9529 yup! Agreed

@dovenicolevlogs

Жыл бұрын

i completely agree. i think believing there’s literally only one person restricts us from realizing that everyone we encounter serve a purpose in that season and some seasons are shorter than others

Listening to this is so heartbreaking because I was there. I understand being with someone and loving them so much that you accept the bare minimum for the sake of, ¨We’ve been together for so long, this is my person and I have to make it work¨. She said out of her mouth… she would have told her younger self to go!… And she’s gorgeous, young, and clearly said she can get someone with more money. She’s settling for him. I was in a relationship like this.. where my partner made me feel so alone and I stayed because she was ¨trying¨. Bullshit, 12 years is too long for him to be ¨trying¨… Baby I left that relationship after 6 months. Don’t be miserable for 13 years and on….

@kimberlygonzalez3384

Жыл бұрын

Say it louder for the ppl in the back lol I was there too n would never do that again!

@youinmybusiness1388

Жыл бұрын

Yes she is definitely in denial just by the interview she was making so MANY excuses for this man! I was there too

@bijouaesthetikstresbellebo2190

Жыл бұрын

Being conflicted myself, I'm glad to hear LEAVE HIM. Heard loud and clear. I cycled back into a relationship that I now know FORSURE is ova for me. Bare minimum isn't worth sticking around for.

Love how vulnerable she was, that's huge. And love how you ask the questions without harsh judgement.

It’s concerning to me that the most prominent memory that she has of him being her person is literally the day she met him when she was a teenager. She’s experienced so much life since then and should be able be like “the way he helped me through grief” “the way he celebrates my accomplishments” or something of that nature. The relationship is just stuck in this immature phase.

Shan asks such good questions!! Really makes guests reflect on their experiences

@chelsearenae9384

Жыл бұрын

Without judgement! It’s all just about self reflection. Shan is really a whole therapist. I love it

@alicianance9613

Жыл бұрын

@@chelsearenae9384 ❤

She reminds of myself before I left a relationship similar to this! She is definitely in denial and knows the process of leaving him is harder than staying so she’s deciding to stay! Chile I’ll pray for her strength

@NallahBrown

Жыл бұрын

This is a raw comment!!! I affirm this prayer for strength 🤧

@jermeishablue

Жыл бұрын

This ❤

Somebody said “let them go and if it’s truly your soulmate, you’ll come back together” - and to piggyback, maybe someone is NOT your person in their current form. Maybe you need to separate, have individual life experiences, grow - and then maybe you’ll be the right versions of yourselves to mesh well. Then again, maybe you won’t. But once you’re happy and healed/whole, you know you’ll be good either way.

@vee_101Q

Жыл бұрын

Perfectly said!

She’s a really good conversationalist. She asks some bomb ass questions 💯

It's so painful to watch, he will not change because he is getting everything HE wants out of the relationship. She amazing in so many ways and if she doesn't see that yet she will not realize that she deserves absolutely everything and more. As woman we all know it's hard to leave a situation when you feel like maybe you are asking for too much or you are getting older or other experiences were just as bad. Also trying is a overused word when it's just one person doing it. You can not try to mold him in the person you need him to be. He showed you for 12 years he is not going to be. I hope she can change her mindset and set herself free and owning what she really wants in a partner.

She knows exactly what she needs to do. Hope she finds herself, and make the best decision for herself!

I much rather be alone than lonely in a partnership is so tangible for me I feel like Tee is the kind of woman who values commitment but I want better for her I want her to jumó for joy when he speaks of her partner and not this lukewarm energy I totally feel her and I hope she receives that husband and the father of her children that she really desires ❤

Whenever I see or hear someone in a relationship like hers talk about all the time they invested with this person, I always think about the lyrics to the song called Time by Culture Club when they say: Time won't give me time And time makes lovers feel Like they've got something real But you and me We know we've got Nothin' but time I just feel like human beings over complicate romantic relationships more than any other type of relationship. What are you really holding on to?

@lav7161

Жыл бұрын

Very well said. If we delete the time from the equation then what is the relationship really hanging on by? I think once that's said the real truth will come out and make the decision easier

I’m a firm believer if it’s meant to be it is. But 12 years is a long time I see it as blocking your blessings into truly meeting the one for you. A lot of people hold on to the past and only realize it when it’s too late. Never wait for a man to act right or treat you how you want him to.

I needed to watch this . Because I completely understand her this has been my life for three years . And this was confirmation that blocking and deleting and limiting his access was the best thing I did for me. Because this to shall pass.

I think the bottom line of this interview is we know when it's time to go and we know that we NEED TO GO, but we are too scared. It takes bravery to step outside of the familiar. It's a process that can't be rushed.

I started studying Psychology because of you Shan, i have 1.5 years of my counselling psychology bachelors left and it’s my exam season, this was such a good watch to keep me focused while I’m taking a lift break from studying😊 You said you’re not a therapist but it’s obvious you know what you’re doing, I absolutely love your work, such an inspiration!

Idk how to feel. I love how relatable this is and how well Shan poses the questions so that Tee doesn't feel judged. At the same time, I feel conflicted (& a little bit attacked) because I'm going through the SAME thing as Tee, except for me it's been 13 years. My partner has been "trying" for a very long time and I keep handing out chances despite being proven time and time again that he won't change. I've even offered to go to couples therapy (after doing some individual therapy first) and he has yet to even start that process meanwhile I'm some months into my therapy. It feels like I'm doing the work to be the best version of me and he's happy go lucky, not a care in the world. It's like Tee said, I'm just waiting for him to catch up but after running through those questions that Shan asked...CHILEEEEE as hard as it's gonna be, I think imma get to steppin'. I'm years away from turning 30 and I don't wanna get there and regret being in this relationship. Maybe some legitimate time apart will help him get it together ? I'm really hoping that's the case because the dating pool today seems...questionable. **SN: Shout out to you Shan for consistent, continuous bomb content! & Shout out to you too Tee for being so vulnerable!

@lav7161

Жыл бұрын

That last part tells me you're not ready to "get steppin". You're gonna leave but somewhat wait if he's gonna change, again? Like she said in the interview, once you know you're done, YOU KNOW you're done. You're not ready yet

@chimeneafi

Жыл бұрын

Tell yourself: He is not going to change, I deserve better. Until you believe it, then you leave. Sometimes you gotta say it and your emotions will follow. Think about how many times you told yourself I was going to work, to the point you believed it.... Now you gotta get that out of your system.

I love how supportive Shan is, its really hard to get feedback about our romantic relationships.

It took me realizing that HE KNEW I'd put the bar in hell. and when he finally met the things bare minimum I'd been begging for? It felt insulting, not satisfying. (Shocked the hell out of me) And he wasn't grateful that I endured his crap. He had additional needs from me too. And that really pissed me off -which isn't fair.

I think they need therapy to help them navigate their relationship. The willingness to try means they need to do something different if they want different results. Therapy could help them communicate better and also give them tools to do things differently. The relationship is not holding her back in any way. She seems very self aware and is working on herself. But needs to work on how she shows up in the relationship. They both don’t seem to feel safe in the relationship maybe due to what they have both contributed to violet that with broken trust. But I believe it can be rebuilt with the support of therapy. They should consider individual therapy and also couple’s therapy. Esther Perel once said that we can have different relationships with the same people. Maybe their childhood relationship ended and they need to introduce themselves to the adult versions of themselves. Leaving is not always the answer especially if both parties are willing to do the work. They should do the work through therapy. I am praying for them to make it.

Crazy how relevant these topics have been lately. Chose to end a 5 year relationship recently and I was in the same predicament. Let them go and if it’s truly your “soulmate”, you’ll come back together.

I bet after rewatching this episode she made her decision. Sometimes you need to see your self in a different perspective and that’s the wake up call you needed, that extra push. She’s a beautiful, bubbly woman and her intentions to change and grow and heal are going to ultimately lead her to her best self! Love this open and safe space created for these types of conversations!

Love this episode, it was exactly what I needed too see. I feel for this girl, her body language says it all she's uncomfortable and yet still expressing warm words about her partner. I know she will make the best decision for herself.

Tee seems immature but I wish her the absolute best in her relationship journey.

I love how you structured this interview with concrete yes/no questions and action items! Felt like watching a therapy session

Im so in love with the structure of this video. Her responses made me so upset for her but your responses were beautiful

Why doesnt she communicate all this to her man? She even said he has no idea she feels like this and would say they are in a great space. And when she feels a way, she just shuts down and doesnt tell him whats wrong when he asks. How can he work on the problem when he doesnt even know what the problem is?

This is a woman who is complacent within a lukewarm relationship. She sounds completely enamored with this man who is probably emotionally bread-crumbing her and actively participating in fiery quarrels as a means to keep the spark alive in the relationship. This is delusional. The things people will put up with in order to say that feel loved or be in love…it’s sad. If you come at a crossroads where your growth within the relationship is a threat or you have to second guess the state of your relationship with deep thought, you should probably leave. She’s listed way more negative attributes than positive ones. Poor baby.

This was me!!! I left the relationship and still tried to be friends with him. He kept saying he was trying and working on himself all through the 10yrs we knew and dated each other. He was working on himself and wanted to work on himself with me in the picture, I knew I had to be the one to leave because he would never be to me the man I needed. Even as friends, he was still working on himself. Only as recently as 2 weeks ago did I finally get the courage to delete his number. Looking back now, damn! How did I ever stay that long! The fear of leaving and breaking my own heart was soo strong. I truly felt he was the one for me, I felt he was my soulmate. You stay so long with someone that leaving them feels like you ripping your own heart to shreds. Even now, that I still ask myself, what if I made a mistake. What if he is still the one for me. Then, I also know, I did what was best for both of us.

Well here is my 41 year old rant: I mean if I were her, if it was on and off again then keep it off. Relationships definitely have their moments, but it should never be "Crazy or a struggle" Let it go. 12 years is a lot of time to shift and evolve. Therapy is also helpful, it doesn't help to go back and forth and then not have the tools to fix it. That's madness. People should know that your soulmate is not necessarily your partner. I think people think that your soulmate always have to be a partner. I was with my "Soul Mate Twin Flame for almost 20 years. Yes during dating we were on again off again for 5 years trying to make it work. We went through war together and we never went to therapy for it and the cracks that were already in the relationship naturally got bigger until we were just roommates that occasionally had sex. We loved each other and still do, but after 18 years together we had to call time of death. Now I'm 41 and back in the dating pool and sometimes I think "Dude, I wasted so many years fighting for a relationship that yes eventually we married, but we didn't take proper care of the relationship the way we should have. So if she really wants this relationship then they have to look into therapy. We have no children together and because men my age already have them and don't want any more and younger guys are no where ready for it at least not with a 41 year old I am now turning to sperm donor. I'm fine with it, but I mean we should have done better for each other. We still love each other, but we had to part. You were talking about Dwayne Wade and Whitley Marion on A Different World. I can tell that he isn't about leveling up the relationship by giving that speech "we're in such a good place/space etc." she's ready to evolve the relationship, so it's not going to work and you don't want to scare a person into the next level or ultimatum in to the next level, so it's the right thing to say good bye with much love and respect to the other person. She knows that she has to tell leave. She's just looking for someone to give her the okay to stay.

This episode helped me see the importance of setting boundaries. Thank you for being so brave by sharing your story. 💜

I really like how you formatted the beginning of this episode -- by giving a structured overview then diving into the interview! It reminds me of when I read articles and the authors put an abstract at the beginning, but then I can read the entire article to know all of the details that helped reach the conclusion.

Thanks for the love everyone. Every week on Tuesday, I will be uploading archived episodes of Lovers and Friends. New episodes will premiere on Friday. Just giving you all the gift of visuals to our episodes.

@xoxoroxlo

Жыл бұрын

I am looking forward to this 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Dear host….you are killing it! This episode was soooo structured and educational and thought provoking! I’m a first time listener. I’m glad I took the time out for this episode

Listened to this twice will definitely listen to it more times. Each time gathering more out it. Such a great interview and insight ❤

Great exercise! Constructive questions. Thabk you T for participating and your vulnerability

wow this was such a helpful podcast! i noted all questions! wow, it would be so great to make more episodes of this with different kind of scenarios. i truly appreciate this video! thank you tee! thank you shan!

My heart hurts for her, I hope she gets the peace and clarity she needs 🙏

Listening to this just after I finalized my divorce to someone I was with for 11 year, 6 years dating and 5 years married. I was going through exactly what she was going through and had to realize that I deserve so much more, especially after 11 years. Until she realizes that, she will continue to be in the situation she is in.

Loved this episode and the format

You did such an excellent job on this episode Shan, this will be very helpful to many individuals. Your preparation was top tier.

i think your format of a questionnaire has really shown that she knows what is best for her, but as a woman, she wants the fairytale that is sold to us from a very young age.

@msattitude318

Жыл бұрын

shut up

21:46 Aw she's so protective of the relationship. It's okay to admit your life wouldn't be negatively impacted, and could only get better. Good luck girlie!

I absolutely love this!! So glad you touched this very important topic ❤

Shan!! you keep coming through for us girl!!! Thanks for the exercise activity questions - I am busy with them and geeez - I feel like deep therapy here!! Thanks - please have more practical interviews like this as much as possible

Tee is such a sweet soul. She deserves the absolute best and I hope she gets it.

Loved it , very useful exercise to communicate when friends and family come for a deep conversation

This is so relatable I loved this 😢🥺 honestly made me emotional too see how much of us go through the same thing! Thanks shannon

Love the clarity and intentions you place on your podcast. The foundation is set beautifully. 🙌🏾

This was so amazing to watch Shan thank you, you are wonderful 💗✨

Shan, you’re doing great work

Such a great interview!! Thanks for sharing

wow all of this rings so true for me. i had to find out the hard way that you cannot value ANYTHING above yourself. in the end it doesn't even save the relationship anyway. so if you do that you have devalued yourself AND the relationship still failed anyway. but also the relationship WILL fail when you devalue yourself. only a few minutes in to this episode and I'm rivited.

I really like this was video set up and how everything flowed. I think it helpful to watch a person process with this type of questioning and was able to learned things for myself.

These questions are SO helpful ty 🙏🏼

Omg it’s so hard to watch with the transition it feels very Interruptive and not allow the conversation to flow

@Hbd2002

Жыл бұрын

Just listen But don’t watch the screen if the transitions bother you. It’s what’s being said not the video part that’s important anyway

I love this one. So relatable

I enjoy this talking about relationships is very important and necessary. Very good to think and talk about. You seem like such a good big sister and really good friend Shan so many good questions, and it's withiut judgment, but with understanding on both parts. Really good!

I have been in therapy for 15 years and an on off relationship for 12 years and I've never even heard anywhere near such amazing "workshopping/reflecting " shan does everything from such a non-judgmental place, I need a therapist like her badly!

im so excited for this video!!

Suchhhh a good episode Shan!! She’s definitely going to stay. I wish her luck, hopefully they’ll figure it out ❤️

wow this was soooo good! def helped me reflect on my own situation! thank u!

First episode of Lovers and Friends I ever listened to, from then on I never looked back

This was so beautiful. I wish her the best.

Thank you Shan. 🦋✨

22:27 -- is anyone just really sad listening to her talk?t The denial in the realization that her actions don't reflect the worthiness she claims to have, taking in all the disrespect, doing all the work and wanting so hard to believe that what she has with this guy is "love" when it is really just familiarity and comfort [knowing the patterns]. And in that same breath, a reminder of our young/er selves in some aspects, that, "committed to being committed" we all had, realizing later that it's at the expense of our value, mental health, well-being, worth .. and most importantly, time. The fact that you would tell your 10year prior version to go, and you are here in 2022 still on the hamster wheel of chaos, something's got to give - but only when you choose you first. All the best to her

❤love this conversation 💯❤️❤️❤️❤️

That Dwayne and Whitney clip steals my heart every time lol

Tee @ 22:31 is definitely me. I’ve been in on and off relationship & even if we had a good point I’m like WHAT ARE WE DOING!!! Again Shan be coming in clutch with the questions 🥰

New subscriber!! Not sure how I found you but I am enjoying your channel. I love what you did in this episode as a case study. I admire how you were able to ask Tee deep questions without making her feel judged. Keep up the awesome work!! Looking forward to more!! ❤

Thank you Shan. i’m curious to answer these questions for myself, but you gave me an answer before the actual interview even began which is - it is likely the same brand of issues will happen with another person , so you might as well stick it out and work it through with somebody you love and have a deep connection with instead of going out and having to build all over again. (unless the current person is completely toxic and detrimental)

@omphilemoerane2569

Жыл бұрын

Totally agree with you. Better the devil you know cause it's just going to be the same sh!t with the next guy or maybe worse. But when she mentioned infidelity in the relationship and the fact that it's an on-off relationship, I feel like it's better it stays off.

idk but i love the transitions

I’m here early af! Looking forward to this video

I get wanting to take advice from ppl within positive relationships but sometimes your friends and family see how’ve you change or know you deserve better. If you’re lucky to have ppl you can lean on leave a toxic situation life is way to short to stay in something that doesn’t make you happy. I get staying in a relationship because you don’t want to start over, biggest regret ever was staying.

The kicker for me is that she doesn’t like his personality. For me beyond all the other flags that this relationship has run it’s course it’s the personality piece. If you don’t really appreciate a persons personality in essence their behavior & character, who they present or show up as to you, you don’t like them. The decision to partner, intimately join lives with the intent to both be successful together for a large portion of time depends on really liking each other. After liking who you see(not how they make you feel) having mutual short & long term goals and finally the ability to traverse conflict respectfully. It sounds like they have continued sex and time spent with one another and the only reason why is because they’ve grown familiar. Deep attachment. It’s so relatable. I pray at minimum they seek individual therapy and maybe watch the previous episode with David So. Wish them the best 💗

Omg i needed this but i really don’t enjoy the transition screens.

Phenomenal! 👏🏾

Wow what a perfect episode for the end of the year ! Time to make some decisions

The point that was made about how intertwined their lives are... If they were to break up tomorrow she would only be sad. That struck a chord. Is love knowing you always have the option to (easily) leave? Or is it being perfectly fine with knowing it's going to be a life altering change if you part ways? 🤔

💜 Great Discussion

She should look up Stephen Speaks. He speaks on determining if he's "not perfect" vs "not worth it".

perfectttt timinggggg

would love to come on the show. i fw it 💪🏽

As a former on/off again relationship haver lol I felt this deep. I hope she finds the clarity she needs to find and cultivate the kind of relationship that is most fruitful (and passionate).

A lot of her answers are what she wants to think or like to answer as a opposed to deep deep down truths about what she feels.

Everyone has a breaking point. And shes doing the best she can with what she knows. We ( me) need more examples of successful loving respectful loyal relationship/marriages.

Love me some Tee. Side note tho, this background goes crazyyy 😭 could not stop looking out the window

If it’s not working, it’s not working.

Is there a way you could upload the literal list of questions your asked her (like section 4 and 4.5) for us?? 🙏🏾💜

I love “intimacy educator”

Man I am going through this right now!!! I am reflecting and I am annoyed 😂

Tee is so conflicted and possibly confused, you can hear the want to step forward and the back pedal. She is holding on to something but it's not enough yet, the relationship fulfils her in some way. By the way trying is not action, I don't know what she or he wants, maybe their complacent from being together for so long. The change in growth hasn't hit them equally as yet.

I loved this Shan ❤️ u should be a therapist!!

I’m not sure who she is but she looks like if Kylie Jenner and Francesca Farago had a daughter! Haha

She’s so in love I hope they work out❤

@esikazemese

Жыл бұрын

@Brea Regans and how is your religious bs relevant?

The red flag for me is that they don't have mutual friends....

Relationship is toxic and everyone around you know it. Leave when you’ve suffered enough don’t waste good years on hope