This is so insightful and also helpful. The lady is very wise :) I realised some time ago the "paycheck" effect. My grandma felt like she had to sacrifice her life to everybody around her, she had 3 daughters and because my grandma was so busy (taking care solely of her own longterm sick mom, working long hours, doing all the chores to have the "perfect" home) she neglected her daughters. They felt like they must have sacrificed their lifes also because their mom did and my mom now wants me to fullfill all her needs and be her psychoterapist. I was during my childhood and it was a burden for me, however she still feels like I need to service her and when I don't she accuse me of being a "spoiled brat" (eventhough I never was one, money was tight, I was always dutiful, great grades... not such in case of my brother). I needed to cut off my mum, because it was unbearable, I'm not here for her, I need to live my own life and make myself happy.

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

What amazing insights, slouberiee! Your experience matches up so well with what Rosjke was talking about. You had to be the good girl, dutiful and obedient to your mother, while your brother didn't have those expectations. Your mother expected you to do for her what she did for her mother, unable to see that her own experience wasn't healthy. What I love about Rosjke's work is that she offers hope to our mothers, too. Our mothers don't have to continue the family pattern of self-sacrifice. They can learn from their daughters what it means to live their own life and make themselves happy.

@SusanaXpeace2u

11 ай бұрын

Yes, my mother was so good to her father and so good to her eldest brother before he died, so good to my dad's aunt when she was dying. I've been treated like a one dimensional character in a play that my mother wrote and directs. There is no escaping it. I've tried to tweak the narrative. It's met with silent treatments. If I try and break through the silent treatment, i'm ''aggressive and angry''. The oNLY way to end the silent treatment is to say ''ok I'm sorry''.

Love & respect & gratitude for each other ,put into practice would be a huge start . From both sides!🌸

Yes, this explains why it hurts so much. The very first time I stood up to my mother, as in, I didn't play along with her narrative that I was ''aggressive'' for trying to raise an issue. She has labelled me paranoid/sensitive/aggressive my whole life, and when I asked that that stop now (at 50) she threw herself up on the cross, the VICTIM of my ''aggression''. Any hurt caused to me from the lifetime of being labelled paranoid is a grudge apparently but the pain I caused her asking her to stop calling me paranoid, that is real pain and I ought to feel so ashamed. These tactics worked on me until the day they stopped working, and she believes I've gone mad. She is ''concerned'' about me. My father is so weak that he backs her up in this delusion. I have tried and tried and tried to get through to her, that I all i wanted was to be heard. But my perspective doesn't exist. I don't exist. I'm the part she wrote and no more, and if I fail to reflect back her rosy view of herself, I'm kicked to the curb with an ongoing silent treatment.

@YourBrilliance

10 ай бұрын

I am so sorry, Susana! I know exactly how you feel. It's no consolation, but more adult children are in this position than you can imagine. All we want is an honest reckoning with what happened to us in our families of origin, but the skeletons must stay in the closet. Another person you might want to follow is Dr. Nicole LePera - instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/

Clear boundaries! See mum with clear eyes...and see daughter with clear eyes...xxx

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

Yes! And that clarity can only come from seeing how the mother-daughter is embedded in a transgenerational legacy of women fitting into certain roles. Rosjke says it better than me :) on her blog: "Understanding this mother-daughter dynamic starts with an appreciation of how the mother-daughter bond mirrors how women are treated by their family, culture, and society. How a mother and daughter of any age relate, tells the wider story of the emotional impact of when women are silenced, emotionally neglected, and expected to comply with limiting gender role stereotypes that restrict their choice and power." (rosjkehasseldine.medium.com/how-marital-conflict-causes-mother-daughter-conflict-504a27d7f2d4)

omg, this is such a good point, my father is so weak and there isn't much to him (emotionally) so i doubt that he met my mother's ''needs''. Mind you, he wasn't even allowed to be sick. She has no empathy so instead of saying ''your dad's tired and he has a headache'' she says ''Your dad's hypochondria is back''. Everything is blamed on an outside force to cover up her lack of empathy / communication skills

Thank you so much, it’s well appreciated.❤️

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

Thank you so much for sharing this talk!

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

Glad it helped, Anna!

Wow! This has been soooo helpful! Thank you so much for bringing this topic, it has made me realize about many things. 💜👏🏼💐

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

Rosjke's exercise on mother-daughter history mapping is well worth a try! Even just talking to your mother about her mother and her mother's mother, and what their marriages were like, and what roles were possible for them, can be so enlightening.

@yobananayo

3 жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance yes indeed. I am already working on forgiving my great gran-mothers and trying to understand the behavior... thank you so much for your help and support.💜💐🙏🏼

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

@@yobananayo you are so welcome!

That was absolutely wonderful

@YourBrilliance

4 жыл бұрын

As soon as I talked to Rosjke, I had to get her book to work through the exercise myself. It helped me see for the first time that I have a intergenerational legacy that I need to understand and come to terms with, in order to choose more consciously what I pass down to my daughter.

This is so interesting... it makes so much sense...I am hooked!!!

Rosjke is right on the topic. I hope to hear more of her thoughts between mothers and daughters.

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

I agree, Jody! Rosjke is amazing. I enjoy her blog on Medium (rosjkehasseldine.medium.com/) and her most recent project is a conference on the topic of Mothers and Daughters Around the World, which you can watch here: kzread.info/dash/bejne/eJappbCnhM2reKQ.html

Thanks for sharing . The information share was very helpful.

@YourBrilliance

4 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

This woman hit everything on the head! Gosh I'm so glad I came across this video

@YourBrilliance

Жыл бұрын

Rosjke is amazing! If you want to learn more about her work, she also writes on Medium: rosjkehasseldine.medium.com/

Thank you for this vital information. 💖

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

You are most welcome!!

AMAZING content! Thank you, sincere thanks. 💖

@YourBrilliance

Жыл бұрын

So glad it's been helpful, Diana! :)

This is so powerful 👏 🙌 ❤ I had struggles with my mom and began the journey to try and understand why. In my journey I began talking about it openly and that has triggered other mothers struggling with their daughters to seek help from me. I came across this while assisting someone struggling and shared this as a start. I want to know how I can get additional training to help people as I am now realizing there is a huge need and most people do not openly discuss their challenges in their own relationships with their mums. I feel I can help more in a professional way if I can get the tools.

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

That is wonderful, Wadzanai! There is such a huge need. It's the one relationship that we're not supposed to criticize - "honor thy parents" - but left unhealed it passes down damaging patterns to future generations. Rosjke has a practioners course. Right now there's still a date in April 2021 available. Best of luck! www.motherdaughtercoach.com/training/

@wadzanaigonde1591

3 жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance thank you very much. Signing up now!

This was helpful Thank you ❤

Thank you

@YourBrilliance

Жыл бұрын

You are most welcome, Joan!! :)

Wire to be loved true .. but it goes.. so I believe what would have helped me was.. Learn emotions and how to use them before maths etc. schools teach wrong things first. Emotions & understanding them , where to use correctly are what can sink u or save you. Difference between a child being suicidal, loaded on drugs or playing a guitar on the beach with friends in a loving environment.

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

I wish schools taught us about emotions, too, NiRee! We now know that emotional intelligence is key to success in all areas of life, but instead of adding EQ to our school curriculum, we expect parents to do it all - parents who never learned how to deal with their feelings themselves! But there is hope. Today, many parents understand that they have to emotionally validate their children. Those children will grow up to be parents who emotionally validate THEIR children. And so the world gradually gets better, too late for many of us, but hopefully not too late for our children.

@nireeburr

2 жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance - you said it all !! But at 47 yr I don’t want it to be too late for me.. otherwise so is living. What’s the point? We can still help each other , right till that last breathe. Like our first breathe.. I’m sure many of us out there would love to be understood , if ears were ready to hear. It’s stuff that we still carry and don’t know it’s there. Parents from the 1950s are the last ones to be opened to hearing. They had free love and happiness..wish it kept going ..or is it ‘just nature of the beast. ‘ ☮️❤️‍🩹🕉💐

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

@@nireeburr It's ironic, isn't it, that the "Leave It to Beaver" generation became the generation that silenced their kids because their kids' messy feelings didn't fit the "perfect family" mold? For me it's been healing to be a different kind of parent to my parents, but at the same time I feel such great sadness for the girl I once was. She had to put up walls and close herself in and hide. Even as an adult, I find myself reverting back to those old patterns in times of stress. There are therapeutic modalities that can help, such as rebirthing or reparenting.

@nireeburr

2 жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance just found out my mother has at a max 3 years.. I Did NOT see that coming.. told my father , he abused me for crying like a little weak sobbing girl. Get into strong posture ready to be strong for everyone. Not some pathetic whimpering child. It’s life people come and go . Had to be her day one day. She will be fine if you keep that in and get on with it.. crying never fixed anything Niree. That’s what I got when I asked for some emotional support thru the coming future. Mumma has been and is still my best friend.. we’ve only had each other. Sister and father took off with mums best friend.. Mum and I are the sensitive ones .. sister and Dad didn’t even cry with this news.. shocked is it! That’s what I will have left after Mummas gone , for a family.. I want to go with Mumma.. I don’t want to stay here anymore 😭😭😭😭

Healing is the time to finally stand up to the repeated verbal abuses to our adult daughter, I chose to block her in all ways to I could end such miserable relationship with her to be used as her ATM machine and her punching bag, we parents are human beings too, what about society never talked about adult children's elder abuses, should they be held accountable also?

@YourBrilliance

2 ай бұрын

If you want a video on elder abuse, all you have to do is enter "elder abuse" into the search bar and you will find resources. This is a video on *healing* mother-daughter relationships. You chose to end the relationship, so of course it won't be relevant to you.

I am on a difficult spot, my mom is living with me , even though I love her, I still have a emotional hurt from childhood for her being a distant mother and she still is . That triggers a lot of frustration that I most of time am able to manage. When I can’t and get upset with her she runs and talk bad about me to my sister and I became a bad daughter. But I am the only one that takes care of her. My sister just call me today to tell me that If my mom dies I am gonna feel guilty. I try to explain my side and she ignores me and my mom is there with her playing a victim, and the “funny” part is she doesn’t want to live with her. What a mess ! Here I am loosing my sleep over this at 3:40 am, have to wake up early tomorrow to work, and my mom and sis are sleeping right now for sure! How do I change this bad dinâmica God!!!😔

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

Oh, Janete! There's a book that explains the dynamic you're in. When you read it, you'll cry in relief. This situation you're in? It's not because of you. You are stuck dealing with it because you're the only emotionally mature one in your family. The book is called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. You will learn why your mother and your sister are behaving like that (parents tend to "favorite" the child who has an emotional maturity level most similar to theirs). You'll also learn why hoping they'll ever change and recognize your efforts is fruitless. How would you behave differently if you accepted that your mother is this way? Can you set boundaries in place to limit her emotional impact on you? Or is living together not the best solution for either of you? You need to understand what you're dealing with before you make those decisions, and this book will help you do so. (Read the reviews for it on Amazon - heartbreaking! www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1648370357)

@gracieb.3054

Жыл бұрын

It's very possible you have a narcissistic mother and your sister is the golden child/flying monkey.

@janetewin4819

Жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance thank you so much on your supportive response. Has been a year and lots of things has changed. I changed the way I looked my mom, she has been gone to the hospital several times and every time she comes back things gets better. I don’t demand much from her and I accept her more. I know my mom is needy and immature but I come in terms with her and peace now is in my home and in my life!🫶🙏🙌

@YourBrilliance

Жыл бұрын

​@@janetewin4819 I am so glad!! It's never too late to heal. When you healed your perception of your mother, I believe that you in some small way contributed to the healing of your family and future generations. That's the greatest gift we can give as daughters: the bravery to see old family dynamics for what they are and find a new way.

@janetewin4819

Жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance thanks I can see some shifts on the dinâmica of my family, specially my sister… they also are more accepting due to my mom is as approaching her end and becoming more fragile.❤️ obrigada 🙏

This was excellent. I have put Rosjke’s book ‘The Mother-Daughter Puzzle’ on my to-buy-list, to help me with my healing journey. Thank you 🌻

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

Let us know how it goes! Once you go through the exercise and see the lives of the women in your family laid out in black and white, it changes how you see your family history.

When you just want an open relationship with your daughter and she denies it for no real reason it’s painful. When a mother supports her daughter through thick and thin and still gets nothing and gets forgotten .... it’s painful. Mum can’t walk away? I just so wish I walked away but stayed to help my daughter recovering from her ED. I saved her life but who cares that time it’s over. I think I really landed in the wrong video. 😐

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

You're right that this video is presented more from the perspective of the daughter, Cherry. But Rosjke's work is about the systems that set daughters AND mothers up to fail. Her research shows that conflict between mothers and daughters often stem from intergenerational patterns. Rosjke focuses on those patterns rather than putting fault on anyone's shoulders. Here is a recent article she wrote that explains: rosjkehasseldine.medium.com/why-the-mother-wound-term-wounds-mothers-and-daughters-f14269b7771a

@chilloften

3 жыл бұрын

Well that sounds kind of toxic, moms walking away from daughters. Stop having resentment/expectations. Daughters don’t OWE mothers.

@prayerworks11

2 жыл бұрын

It never changes, until we are gone.

@1969strangelove

2 жыл бұрын

chilloften yeah right .....children can do that instead. They are allowed. You haven’t got a clue how many just abandon their parents due to their selfish behaviour.

I'm gonna be a good mom.

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

That's exactly what I was thinking when I was talking to Rosjke! Just knowing this stuff helps so much.

I am the Mother, and the relationship with my daughter has always been rocky since her father and I divorced, and she is now a middle-aged woman with two teenage children. I try and keep my mouth zipped, because I wasn't the Mother she wanted, I had hoped our relationship would be closer than what we are. She just send's me texts, when all I want is a phone-call and just to hear her voice. Despite this, I DO love my daughter, I just don't like the woman she has become. My son-in-law doesn't like me, even though I've done nothing against him So she has her Father and her husband that are against me. I think this complicates things

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

I think you're right, Ann. One of the dynamics that Rosjke draws attention to is the way fathers can sabotage mother-daughter relationships. We can't understand our relationship with our daughters until we understand how women are treated by the men in our family, and what our daughters may have learned from that. We need the men on our side to heal. So your ex-husband and your son-in-law have an important role to play, but whether they'll step up is a different story.

I have a 14 yr old daughter with ADHD. It's been doing hard for me due to her father and I will never get along it's been shared custody for 4 yrs. Now I'm able to go back and fight for full custody, he took and doesn't believe in therapy and I do. She was on medication he took her off when a court order said both agreed... We it's always been his way or no way used the children as pond she's been neglected and abused physical and mental.... So I'm trying so hard to help my teenagers and have a happy stable life...until we go back to court does anyone have any tools to help me show that I'm here for them and I Love them more than he does and that's a fact and try to stop arguing. Thanks

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

That is such a painful situation, Angela! You don't deserve that. Children need both parents, and they need to be able to love both parents. What you're going through aligns with what Rosjke is talking about: women are set up to fail because of male-centered (patriarchal) family systems. I recently spoke to a daughter who came through her father's years-long campaign to discredit her mother and now has a loving relationship with her mom. She gives this advice: "Never stop contact. Never stop showing your kids that you love them. Never hold any of the hurtful things they say against them. Don't bad mouth the father, because it will make you the bad guy; if he wants to bad mouth you, then he will just make himself look bad in their eyes. Mostly just let your kids know that no matter what, you'll never give up on them and your relationship with them."

@marianneellman480

2 жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance I so much agree with your comments. Thanks.🌸🌺👏

This conversation is missing a big part of the puzzle. Let’s stop putting blame on the Mum and let’s talk about the steps both Mums and daughters can take to understand one another better. Just saying to have empathy for Mum is important but it’s just the start, we need more please.

@YourBrilliance

2 ай бұрын

This conversation is, of course, not the whole story. I'm sorry if you got that perception, because that's a mischaracterization of decades of work by mother-daughter expert Rosjke Hasseldine. This interview is about the transgenerational lineage of mother-daughter conflict. For Rosjke's perspective on the toxic effects of mother blaming, see motherdaughtercoach.mykajabi.com/blog/patriarchy-teaches-daughters-to-mother-blame

This was good but I’m angry at my mom actually not my dad. She tried sabotaging my relationship w my dad for years

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

It's totally okay to be mad at your mom! Healthy anger is an appropriate response to someone violating our boundaries. Healthy anger helps us stand up for ourselves and put a stop to behavior that's not okay. Once you have those strong boundaries in place and a sense of emotional safety, then you might want to look at those wider family patterns - not to get mad all over again, but with the goal of understanding how you and your mom got here.

@SaltstringMusic

3 жыл бұрын

Your Brilliance thank u I appreciate this💗

What is the “mapping your mother daughter history” she referring to? Where to find this or that exercise or program? What is the woman being interviewed name?

@KauaiAdventureGirl

2 жыл бұрын

Found it

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

Hi, AdventureGirl! You can find Rosjke Hasseldine's book that teaches you how to map your mother-daughter history at www.amazon.com/Mother-Daughter-Puzzle-Generational-Understanding-Relationship/dp/0955710413/

Mostly true..even I live in Asia region..the dynamic and burden as women daughters are high because culture and society making hard for that pattern of relationship within mom daughter in family

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

Traditional cultures make it very difficult to break free from rigid family roles, leaving daughters with an impossible choice: stay silent and accept the situation, or speak out and risk losing family support.

The link at the end doesn’t work

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

You can also find those links in the description - see if those work for you!

I'm 13 My mom is working ( she got a job 2 days ago) and has stopped paying me attention. I do the household chores, etc.. I have to attend my online classes everyday. I've lost my bond with my mom! She was the only one with whom I used to share everything! I don't know what should I do now, I don't have much friends and I don't feel to talk to anyone. I'm devastated. Can anyone help me?

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

Hi, Chyna! I am so sorry! It's really important that you can reconnect with your mom and be able to talk to her about the stuff that's going on for you. There is a great organization called YouthLine where you can get help from other teens and even adults if you want. The website is oregonyouthline.org - you can also call 877.968.8491 or text "teen2teen" to 839863. I hope that helps - this is super-important, and I'm really glad you commented!

@chynaray6678

3 жыл бұрын

@@YourBrilliance thank you 🙂

@YourBrilliance

3 жыл бұрын

@@chynaray6678 you are welcome!!

Blame blame blame blame blame Mother's don't deserve it!

@YourBrilliance

2 жыл бұрын

No, mothers don't deserve to be blamed. That's why Rosjke is so careful about placing mother-daughter relationships in the wider context of a culture that sets them up to fail. She explicitly argues against mother-blaming in this article: medium.com/perceive-more/patriarchy-teaches-daughters-to-mother-blame-881d48bf5693

My mother was evil and abusive. By now I realize disordered. I went no contact, as she just assume kill me if she could. Such evil.

Well i am sorry to say i dint like the whole equation of mother daughter relationship as perceived by you here. For whole 18 to 20 years, mothers listen to every complaints, problems, that the daughters talk of about their classmates, teachers, playmates, boyfrnds etc etc and guide them, console them . When daughters reach their teens, usually mothers would have reached their menopause or more older. Whats wrong if they want to share their stories now with their daughters? And i dont agree to the fact that the mothers expect emotional support from daughters as their spouse doesnt listen to them. A man is always a man. He cant understand somany things from a womans angle. But A woman is always a womans best friend. And if for once a daughter attends to her mom in her difficult times, the whole life they will be friends. People go out side to old age homes or orpganages to do service. And service to humanity starts at home. If one cant attend to her own mother, who else she may attend to in her life?. Pls dont teach women to become selfish. for gods sake!!!!! And taking care of ur parents in old age is part of biggest gratitude that one can have.. How can you even talk against it?

@munashe5413

3 жыл бұрын

Being your mothers therapist is emotional abuse

@taiana5849

3 жыл бұрын

You clearly don't know what is a narcissistic mother.

@slouberiee

3 жыл бұрын

Mothers shouldn't be slaves to their daughters AND vice versa. Everyone is responsible fot their own happiness.

@1957es

Жыл бұрын

This attitude will lead to the dissolution of the family more and more. I loved my mother but she hurt me terribly but to help her through cancer and to be with her when she died was to HEAL SO MANY WOUNDS. Once again, therapy gets it wrong, like they have so many times. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Teaching that you don’t owe your mother anything is a way of getting even with her mother on a universal scale.

@1957es

Жыл бұрын

@@taiana5849 This isn’t about psychiatric diagnoses. Overused psychiatric diagnoses that only a psychiatrist can diagnose, not a daughter who probably who hasn’t looked in a mirror.