1:24 Strategy #1: Getting angry 3:05 Strategy #2: Becoming critical 4:52 Strategy #3: Blaming 7:10 Strategy #4: Feeling resentment, or feeling better than your partner, or losing all respect for them 8:58 Strategy #5: Not being able to speak, or not speaking, or creating physical distance (walking away) 11:03 Strategy #6: Distrusting your partner, questioning them from a place of deep fear 12:57 Strategy #7: Feeling guilt or shame for something you have done in the past, then retreating 14:43 Strategy #8: Making jokes or getting playful when things get intimate 16:19 Strategy #9: Focusing on a problem in the relationship and trying to fix it 17:53 Strategy #10: Checking and doubting your love for your partner

The jokes are so real!! I can't ever be serious when talking about romantic things.

@GEOFFAMORTON

5 ай бұрын

I’ve noticed lately that whenever someone says something sincere to me, or when I say something sincere, I tend to immediately counter it with snark or flippant comments. I’ve noticed also that some people get a little hurt when I’ve done that too.

It's so nice that you have such a loving and understanding husband that worked through all this with you. I wish we could all be so lucky ♡

It took me a lieftime to finally become aware of why I pushed away anyone who had always tried to get vlose to me. Thank you from the depths of my heart ♡

This is happening to me right now. There's this guy I like, and while I am not yet sure of his attachment style because we're new, he seems to me like an anxious one. Today he did something that I interpreted as a bid for affection, and I just deactivated. I am thankful that I am now in a place where I am aware of my patterns. It wasn't even a negative thing he did. In fact, I found it kinda cute. But I still deactivated. It wouldn't even take me a lot of effort to give him the affection that he wants. Being a fearful-avoidant is confusing and tiring. 😖

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

It's so confusing! And your partner might want to try to connect even more when you deactivate. It's really challenging. I just wrote down a video idea for 5 challenges of dating an anxious preoccupied person as a fearful avoidant! I will make a video on that

@bbv5490

2 жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 OMG OMG OMG THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THAT!!! Because I feel like dating is confusing as an fearful-avoidant no matter what. I feel like I should make an effort to show more affection but it just feels so unsafe to me be vulnerable. 😭 And I hate that it feels so scary to me because I want connection, too.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Tootally understand all those conflicting feelings!

@bbv5490

2 жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 You are a godsend! Thank you for everything that you do!!! ❤️❤️❤️

You are literally describing my darkest closet hidden in my mind- things I've felt ashamed of all my life. It is time to dust the furthest corners of that closet. At this point I am mostly secure- with insecure people my triggers come out. I am still subconsciously drawn to insecure people. I have never had the joking part but most of the other parts definitely.

@breathingtree75

Жыл бұрын

I am in the same boat! And though I have done enough work to say I am more securely attached. I think before that, though, I think I would label myself as a well-adapted/high functioning fearful avoidant. But who knows…

Wow! I have watched so many videos about attachment and this video is by far the most accurate representation of what I do to push people away. Some of these I wasn't even aware of. I thought that my chaotic childhood environment and upbringing resulted in me being a snooty and disrespectful person and partner. But this makes so much more sense! I will be re-watching this so I can take notes. Please keep making these videos! (I think I fill up my schedule to keep myself so busy that I "don't have time" for emotional connection. Also, when I do sense an emotional connection after I've spent time with someone, I will retreat for 2-3 days to "recooperate".

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for being here, and I LOVE that you're taking notes, that will bring you so far on your healing journey! Good adds at the end!

@valeweathers

2 жыл бұрын

Paulien, is by far, the best person who deals in this subject, that I've come across.

I remember my best friend 20 years ago telling my then boyfriend that I was always doing a pushme pullyou, now I want you now I don't, but if you can hang in there it's worth it for the depth of love and fun and insight and beauty that I shared.

The one about joking makes sense. Using humor as a way to appease or dissociate from pain and intensity can become an unhealthy habit. Great video!

It's crazy how you're helping me recognize all these triggers...

Wow Paulien. Thank you so much for this video. I am a 28 year old guy, I am an architect, have my own company, good looking, charming.... but I could never understand why I keep pushing away loved ones and friends. I identified at least 6 of these ways I deactivate and I am just in shock right now. It is as if you knew me. It would mean the world to me if I could talk to you directly and you give me some guidance as to where to start this journey you have made to get to know myself better. This work you have done is absolutely priceless.

it is so hard for me to heal from this attachment wound. and to self regulate. I have so many breakdowns and make myself and my partner unhappy. I want to be secure so badly and surrender to love as it comes without sabotaging

Relaxing into the relationship ... What a concept!

Crying is a way for me to deactivate (to escape from difficult conversations and create distance/break the connection): 'I'm sad so I don't have to do anything anymore, and he has to 'step up his game' and support me. Otherwise he is not a good partner, and I am allowed to reject him for that'

I do/did ALL of them. It’s crazy. I feel like like you’re reading me like an open book.

I have been learning a lot about attachment theory lately and I must say, you broke this down so beautifully! I had no idea I had so many deactivating strategies.

Your channel is changing my life 💖

Love the way you break it all down! thank you 🙏

omg whenever i feel that dissatisfactory anxious avoidant itch to scratch perfection, i have to remind myself to invest more in my mutability; trusting my intuition, my ability to think on my feet if things go awry, and having faith that none of this is worth my peace of mind at the end of the day! if imperfection comes, let it. wu wei has helped me incredibly in navigating FA attachment style about the joking; yikes, i do that too! i realise if i didn't joke around when things got serious, it would mean that i would have to take myself seriously and actually go after the things i want :( that includes asserting boundaries that might get ignored. rejection trauma is real!

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

So real! I see you! Love what you say about reminding yourself to trust your intuition, having faith. It really comes down to allowing imperfection. You have enough, you know enough, you are enough!

@SaminSays

2 жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 "You have enough, you know enough, you are enough!" BRB making this my new mantra

Thank you for sharing vulnerabily to help other people learn about themselves. This is helping alot. I have been an FA my whole life and just went through a breakup where my partner is also FA and feared the connection as we got closer. Hearing this list also helped me understand him more. 🙏

This is so very insightful and powerful! Thank you.

thank you for this! i've started to check and doubt my feelings like crazy, combined with the guilt and shame and becoming critical/annoyed/icked out by everything they do. wild how wondering "do i love them enough? is there enough feeling? is this normal? i don't feel anything right now, so i must not love them" is literally a deactivation strategy. such a cruel cycle!

@struggle9394

Жыл бұрын

Its a real torture 😢😢

You've described me perfectly. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge.

Excellent video.

Can’t wait for your program 🌸😊

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Can't wait either!!

I see myself in all of these!

gratitude > acceptance > fearlessness > surrendering into the relationship ❤

Very insightful

So insightful, thank you x

I do soooo many of these. I really need to try harder to break these insecurities.

Thank you

thank you for sharing your experience xx

Thank you

Paulien, i cannot explain to you how CORRECT YOU ARE... i thought i was the only one who had this, i thought i was the only one. The not speaking thing. When i think a boundary was crossed or theres just too much emotion. I physically cannot speak sometimes, i try too but theres just a giant wave of emotion and i cannot find words, like i short circuit. With my exes they never understood what was going on. Just like if we got into an argument or something serious and when i get too overwhelmed it happened. They keep asking questions and i have to just sit in silence locked in my own flesh. Its hard for me to be vulnerable with girls, im a guy, and it just takes so long to fully trust someone. Thank you so much Paulien. I love you. Ive been watching your videos healing myself. God Bless You 🪽333

You are amazing ❤

I understand stand now the things I did to push him away. I feel he may also be an avoidant. So that made the pushing away very easy.

Wow! So helpful to see this. Thank you! I’ve totally done all of these, lol

Spot on! Many brilliant perspectives! Thank you!

@yamieden4350

11 күн бұрын

What I want to ask is why do you guys do this, is it like uncontrollable go tos? It makes no sense, is a bit irrational, yet you still practice it. Gosh, I will say, stay single if you aren't in the process of reaching Secure. All these things do is cause pain in your partner. Honestly. If you are actively annoyed and frustrated randomly it becomes so draining, many fights can erupt, depending on who you are with. I'm unsure how her husband dealt with this, he's a saint, most likely secure. I for one am drained just off listening to what FAs experience.

Hi! I am watching your video and it reflects entirely the experience I have with my GF. Thank you for providing an insight of what happens in the mind of a fearful avoidant in such a vivid way! I hope this will give me the opportunity to learn how I can help her. Before watching the video I had no clue.

@tombigelow7391

Жыл бұрын

Help them? Worst thing you can do😎 Accept them, worts n all, best thing you can do. Instant results from them.

I relate so much to all of these strategies

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

7 ай бұрын

I am so happy to hear my content is valuable to you!

It's true

I feel like I resonate with everything I want on these. I am curious if you have like maybe an overall EFT tapping that you could offer for when we realized we're deactivating

wow... I deflect with humor all the time, and also get obsessive about fixing (when I'm feeling more anxious)

I am in the Twin Flame Journey and I am the anxious attachment style and my partner is fearful avoidant attachment style. We are in a separation stage and my Divine Masculine female partner is similar to you. Her appearance is similar to you too. This is very interesting.

I am trying to understand my partner whom I suspect may be a fearful avoidant and I am an anxious attachment 😓 I'm trying to understand him..HE CAME IN STRONG instantly wanted a serious relationship and HE said I love u very quickly. I do have feelings for him and followed his lead . He talked about a future ...moving ect... I thought it was moving fast but didn't say anything....then suddenly he completely shut down and has not talked to me in a month 😓 I did get triggered n my own way and lashed out at him ..which pushed him away even further 😞😞Idk if we will work it out but the year we shared was absolutely amazing and life changing for me. He was really good to me in many ways. I feel like he may be afraid to be happy. He has made many comments that I overlooked at the time but now looking back makes a lot more sense😕 I dont know where I stand w him but I care about him alot but each day that passes I see that he don't want me in his life anymore.

All of them....who knew? I do them all.

I could relate to this. I have suffered so much due to these unconscious patterns. Do taking CBT therapy and thought record helps incase I approach a therapist? Can I do it myself?

Wow, I’m really impressed. I’ve watch a lot of videos, but this is the first one that really hit home and described all my deactivation mechanisms. You really know what you’re talking about and have a great way of expressing it. Thanks for the insight. Damn, I have a lot of work to do.

I think for me it's deep rooted fear of not being enough. Never being worthy enough of a real and true love. Trust issues rooted from childhood, where being emotional was a weakness so I would just pretend everything's OK or find ways to distance myself? My current partner, (a man too!), Is very good at figuring when im being avoidant emotionally, because it's my own insecurities that keep me from speaking up. He gets it outta me eventually but it's can become draining for me, as im also in early recovery from booze. (I know relationship in general is not a great idea in early recovery). But we are thankfully taking it very slow. We are both in our early 30's and mature, no kids and havnt even had sex yet after 3 months dating, ( more due to circumstances than anything.)

I am a fearful avoidant leaning anxious and my ex (well I'm assuming) is a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive. We've been friends for 15 years. Finally decided to try and date. Thing were great for a few months, it actually kind of felt like fate and then I'm assuming we just triggered each other to no end resulting in a break up (I know I was HEAVILY triggered, not very happy with my self or how I reacted). I had been working on my attachment style prior to us getting together and now I feel like I'm worse off than before :( We are in inconsistent contact at this point. It's been devastating to loose such a long time friend. I wish we never would have dated.

Did anyone find the FA questionaire she said would be linked below at the very end of the video? I've looked all through the comments plus all link descriptions and am not finding it.

I enjoyed your video but I think you left out one method of detachment that my ex FA used & that was she would take on so many things she had no time for me. I also took your test & it said I was probably a DA. However the test was limiting & with many of the questions, my response was not an option so I had to chose the closest option. I did a much more extensive test with a psychologist which showed me to be 87% secure & 13% Anxious which apparently is unusual.

how do i deal with the resentment and being critical?

Regarding intimacy - I love when my partner jokes. Releases the tension.

The last one is exactly what happened when I was discarded

I have a question: In a new relationship, should you, how do you & when do you reveal that you have this attachment style. Because even if you are good at self-regulating and co-regulating it seems like it is good for them to understand the paradoxical mindset that can pop up even if we have done a lot of healing and have a lot of self-regulating tools.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

This depends on so many things! I would say generally, when you start having some deeper conversations. When you start talking about childhood etc. It helps to know if they are open and empathetic. You don't have to share everything right away. They really do have to show you that they deserve/are safe for you to open up to them like that. And they show that by being empathetic, understandig, kind and patient.

That has happened to me, unable to speak..

My ex is a fearful avoidant. She is so hard to love. I want her to be free from this. She has done all of these. I want her back but I want her healed. How do I help her?

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

I'm afraid that is absolutely, completely, up to her. It can be challenging to heal this attachment style, so you can't do it for her, or even nudge her towards it. It will mostly make her feel like she's not good enough as she is (which she already deeply believes)

My FA partner is a sweetheart, but he tends to fool around A LOT during intimate moments, teasing me and being rather obnoxious untill I get mad at him. Like, 8 times out of 10. It's so confusing and completely ruins the mood. As an FA myself, at the moments like these I'd start doubting our relationship. I think he does that to feel more in control.

Yep. I noticed I start acting like a child when things get intimate

Drinking alcohol seems to be another way to deactivate too!

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Is it a way to deactivate, or to avoid intimacy/connection? There's a difference! Deactivation is what you do in the moment when there is connection, or the possibility for connection, avoidance strategies is what you do to now even deal with it (because you're drunk/hungover for instance)! Very good add either way!

@edlakota

2 жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 I get it - one is a response to now and the other is planned (albeit subconsciously perhaps). By the way, thanks for taking the time to post such helpful material. I am nearly 50 and finally met someone who I could form some sort of long term relationship (secure style) but am having nothing short of an epiphany as I discover how FA I am. It's so helpful to have my behaviours explained so vividly and reassuring to see that there is a path to healing.

Can an avoidant come back to a relationship after deactivation? How many months can it take?

Fearful avoidants are so draining honestly. To sit around and think all these things and act on them even though they arent rational at all. Its sad.

I like you, where you fearful avouder or have/had a partner you loved (if i may ask)... one thing, in this video i am getting so confused with the topic. When you say "you" - who is that? Who is "you" ? The parther or the fearful avoider?

@vs7644

2 жыл бұрын

Ivsee. Sorry asked at the start. So are we narcissistic? Or is it different?

I have a question, what to do once you realize you are deactivating? Just take some time alone and observe and go through it and... Then? Thank you Paulien, you are helping me so much.

@struggle9394

Жыл бұрын

Did you get an answer ?

@izararistondo

Жыл бұрын

@@struggle9394 Hi! No I did not 🙏🏾

Getting angry, becoming critical....I hyperfocus on all my partners flaws and get the ick.

How do we talk about it when we are not in a relationship but in the stage of learning to know someone ?...

I feel so called out 😂

@koala01111986

2 ай бұрын

Me too 😅😅

Wish i had found this some time algo. I was feeling mainly the last one every time. Lost a relationship that i cared about because of this. It is horrible

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

11 ай бұрын

I am happy to hear you found some recognition in the video.

What was it that caused you to feel like it was worth fighting through all of this to stay with your partner?

Cripes… so now what… how do you act😂 - this is defined my being and I can’t think of how to be now…

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

6 ай бұрын

❤

how do you deal when you open about this to your partner, and that causes them to be hurt badly? Im trying to respect my pace and come together with all of this, but as I do this, im hurting my partner. Time seems to be ticking fast and anxiety crumbling and I feel like i have to make a drastic decision in order to stop hurting her

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

There are several ways to be open. When you open up in the sense that you share all your thoughts, it might hurt your partner, because it feels personal. When you open up and share that you are struggling, scared, feeling vulnerable, there's a lot of healing in that and your partner gets to stand next to you instead of opposite you.

@vitzbig

Жыл бұрын

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thanks! Thats very helpfull!

Also the micro-cheating and having phantom exs 😩

Do some FAs deactivate by not following through with plans they make with a partner?

@hshfyugaewfjkKS

3 ай бұрын

Probably. That's a very avoidant thing to do.

I found myself in everything 💀

14:50 oof same

i am here for "fix" my completly fine relationship.....the joking was new for me.... interesting.

When you realise your partner is FA, is it ok to show them these kinds of videos? How can you help them to realize they have FA attachment style? I've told my partner I believe he is FA, but he doesn't want to talk about it.

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

Жыл бұрын

If he doesn't want to talk about it, it will be hard to invite him to heal. Showing him these video's will probably not help either! If he seems motivated to heal, that's when you can start helping him, without putting pressure on it.

Sounds like fearfuls are great at parties 😅 ... get me the **** out of this attachment style

@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870

2 жыл бұрын

Haha they can actually be charming and witty also, more and more while you heal! So actually great at parties ;)