you always hear "check up on ur depressed friend!" but you never hear how youre meant to do it. this advice is spot on

@sebaschan-uwu

Ай бұрын

You need to actually think about it yourself instead of getting told what to do by a youtube short. You know for a fact that no one likes getting asked how are you today and you know no one likes to be made to explain themselves so why can't you put two and two together to understand that the solution to this problem is literally what you would already be doing with good friends?

@eileensnow6153

Ай бұрын

My best friend finally stopped asking-she knew I would say no-and started just showing up with coffee and food. She knew I wouldn’t eat anything otherwise. It really helped.

@mysteryman9230

Ай бұрын

​@@sebaschan-uwuactually I'd rather someone text me everyday asking that same question than them show up to my house so...

@topi1607

Ай бұрын

​@sebaschan-uwu I like being asked how I'm doing when I'm doing really well. It gives me an excuse to talk about what's making me happy. Sometimes you have to ask how someone is doing and then read between the lines too. If my friend says she's fine several hours after I originally texted, and I know for fact that she's just sitting at home, then you best bet I'm gonna be sending her cat pics and memes. If I ask to come over, and she says that's ok but she doesn't want to bother me, I immediately head over with a bag of mcdonald's and just hang out for an hour. Some people haven't experienced depression so they don't know how to help and it's not like they can ask. Most people think how can I fix this/I don't know how to fix this, instead of what can I do to comfort them while they get through this. Depression has never been known for being intuitive or easy to deal with.

@justmo6208

Ай бұрын

​@sebaschan-uwu imagine getting upset at someone for not having all the answers, what an ass.

Best advice. Ever. I can't believe I've never heard anyone articulate this so perfectly.

@ShmEmber

Ай бұрын

me too. this video is very good

@calatheaflamestar4924

Ай бұрын

Well, it starts with a "can i come over" and I'm like *NOPE* because my apartment is a mess when I feel depressed. Then, that one time, you have the courage and the *trust* to let them in, only to hear "Whoah, HOW BAD does it look like in here?? Do you ever clean up? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH STUFF?" Someone who shames me and makes me feel even more uncomfortable in my own home than I already do can leave again and close the door behind them.

@user-bx4ei7fc7q

Ай бұрын

@@calatheaflamestar4924sorry❤

@user-bx4ei7fc7q

Ай бұрын

I feel like since I’m still really young, I just wish I had friends or family who would do this before I go back into isolation again. This explains me perfectly!

@SjoukeP

Ай бұрын

@calatheaflamestar4924 Or someone who doesn't SAY anything about the mess, but who is very obviously feeling pity 🤮, or judging you for it. 😤🙄

I particularly like how he mentioned "You have that fireplace. I don't have a fireplace," as if the depressed friend would be doing him a bit of a favor by allowing him to use it. We don't want our friends to pity us, and we always feel like we're a burden. Subtly conveying the idea that the depressed friend would actually be helping him out is genius.

@tenderestfilly

18 күн бұрын

This is as useful as the video, I didn't make that connection at all

@metalheadmaidenue6505

9 күн бұрын

100%

@schqrr

7 күн бұрын

Interesting

@o0milenaria0o

2 күн бұрын

Yes ❤

@VanjaBjrklund

Күн бұрын

I don't know how to respond to this, it is a lot lot of work for the healthy friend. Also, the depressed friend might fix themselves. I don' t know how to accept help, what do you need back, can I give back even?

People are not taught strategies for how to support friends through their depression. This is gold!

The depressed person will lie so they don't feel guilty of disappointing the other people. 'I'm fine."

@theradiantdehd3997

Ай бұрын

I’ve made it a point to not lie anymore. Which doesn’t help when people ask me how I am and I’m suffering from clinical depression. Most people don’t ask me anymore, and as lonely as it is, at least I don’t have to lie.

@robloxtextchannel

Ай бұрын

​​​@@theradiantdehd3997always have integrity never lie, when someone knows the truth you will know wither they will choose to stick with you❤️don't give up , think about what you love to do what you like, think about your heart's desire, stay away from lust porn any sin that will make someone feel bad and empty, keep going keep pushing don't lie and don't feel like you have to lie to keep others happy or not worried tell the truth always, if you have no one with Ahayah Almighty you have everything you need, cars money wife house riches? he blesses people with but that shouldn't be first place in your heart have him in your heart first he wants your heart don't let anything or anyone stop you from accepting him you don't got to get clean to go to him he will clean you and make you new ❤️all these cars and stuff people need but ask for wisdom and to get better understanding and to get knowledge and to do that is to go in the Bible and get better understanding that way when you do get cars and riches you will know exactly what to do with it with your wisdom and knowledge, love everyone show kindness let Ahayah change you for the better he knows he got scattered sheep's he wants you close to him meditate in prayer prayer is communication, how you start your morning will affect your day, start every morning by thanking Ahayah for life and the plans he already planned for you and to guide you to the path of righteousness. I love you but Ahayah loves you more blessings and healings and lovings to you and your family in Ahayah name ❤

@driggs2109

Ай бұрын

BINGO!! That's me 100%! No, I'm not fine. I'm NEVER fine, and you know this, so why even bother asking me how I'm feeling/doing? OF COURSE I'M GOING TO LIE!!! I already feel like a worthless burden, a drain on everyone around me, so I'm going to lie, put on that fake smile that I've perfected over all these years, and say that I'm doing well and everything is ok so as not to burden anyone further, make anyone worry about me more than they already do, or just bring anyone/the mood down in general.

@kananiseven

Ай бұрын

Good point. It's better to just say "hey let's go out"

@gohawks3571

Ай бұрын

Exactly. It takes more energy to explain, and you have to figure out what to say without having it cause issues. We don't want more issues, we want peace!

What I love is as you were explaining the first part, I was thinking in my mind, "Just call them and tell them that you really want some company today. Tell them you want yo order some pizza and watch a movie." Depressed people will feel so comforted knowing youre CHOOSING them to spend time with.

@aarynhall4366

Ай бұрын

This ⬆️ All of this ❤

@samoerai6807

Ай бұрын

💯

@bianchaesson1441

Ай бұрын

❤❤❤❤❤❤

@sandyellison8650

Ай бұрын

Thank you for the best advice on how I can comfort my depressed friends and relatives.

@YukiKunikida

Ай бұрын

❤yesss

Wow! This is the real advice I’ve been looking for! When I lost my infant daughter, so many people wanted to fix me. So few wanted to actually be with me. I didn’t need to be fixed, I just needed to know I was still worth being on this earth.

@ccbici

4 күн бұрын

What a horrible loss, I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through. You are valid and worth being on this earth and I am glad that you’re here.

@Colorado_Avocado

4 күн бұрын

@@ccbici Thank you. That’s incredibly kind of you to say.

@espiritualidadetarot3779

2 күн бұрын

I am so sorry for your loss. 😢 Being a mother I know this is the worst challenge one could face and I empathize with you so deeply. Know that if this happened, there is a spiritual reason for it, your pain will not be in vain. In time you will find a reason to go on living. Maybe you will have a mission to help others who go through the same thing? You will find strength in you, and eventually, acceptance, but take as long as you need to get there. Don't pressure yourself, feel your pain, be compassionate and patient with yourself. You will be in my prayers and if you need someone to talk, I am here. ❤

Wow ! 💯 % true ! Society needs to be correctly educated on mental health like this guy !!!!

“You can love completely without complete understanding”

@robinwilder8108

Ай бұрын

Very well said❤❤❤

@paramoreparks9960

27 күн бұрын

Gotta love em where they're at. Best advice ever given to me.

What I really like is when someone is texting or calling and we can just talk about a topic, any topic but not my depression. Politics, music, weather, movies, hobbies, whatever! It distracts me, makes me feel not quite so hollow because I can think and converse, and feel connection instead of loneliness.

@clairer342

Ай бұрын

This is my favorite advice. And then if the responses are “off” or concerning, you can ask questions about how they are doing. It is a social check if they are having a better day, and it can be a safety check if they are having a difficult day ❤

@bappojujubes981

Ай бұрын

The next step I think is coming over to hang out. Watch a show, play games, eat food.

@maximyarmolik1726

Ай бұрын

Wanna talk? :)

@frimguy1054

Ай бұрын

Nobody wants to be around debby downer

@dod2304

Ай бұрын

and isn't that just a little bit healing? For me, it helps me realize that my whole entire world isn't depression! Because some of my depression is from living alone being alone too much.

Accurate way to support a depressed friend. I would appreciate this on my down days instead of a bunch of options or l having to be outside with a bunch of people. Just connect the energies for recharge, a comfort movie, some good food, a good shower and support can turn around a bad day or the beginning of the slope ❤

I get that many depressed people don't appreciate just a check up text but I do. It makes me feel better to know my loved ones care about how I am feeling even if it's in passing. Also can give me a chance to vent. Coming over directly and pulling me out of bed is definitely best, but I also appreciate a quick digital check up even if it doesn't hit the same.

@EmmaAndEmmaAndEmma

18 күн бұрын

Same. I appreciate a friend who takes the time to ask “How are you?” and really mean it, even if they already know the answer. It means that even if I answer “Still awful” every single time they ask, they aren’t sick of hearing it. It tells me my depression isn’t a burden to them, and they really care about my inner world.

Yes. You don't address a depressed person with a load of questions, demands or recipes. You help by showing up, just connecting and running things on your own battery. Very well explained and great examples.

@br3669

Ай бұрын

Running things on your own battery? For a little while, if your own battery happens to be fully charged just when you need it to be? Sure. Longterm? Running two people on your one battery, accepting a relationship where one person overtly demands that only one person be responsible for making connection happen, in a way that requires nothing from the other? It's an excellent way to make yourself depressed. You know what you get when 48% of young Americans report symptoms of depression or anxiety, *and* people believe that when depressed, they can check out of their relationships and ask their friends to run the relationship solo [48% of whom, statistically speaking, do not have a fully charged battery going into this]? A loneliness epidemic. Pour into the people who pour into you. Don't accept a one-way street relationship as anything but a stopgap, and only if the other person shows awareness that you're indeed a person with her own needs - not their emotional support squirrel.

@yellowtulip4105

Ай бұрын

@@br3669 Well, depressed people don't demand this effort from others; they usually demand nothing. What we're talking about here, is how to better help if you already want to, if you're feeling you want to give it a go. Of course, you're not expected to continuously overtake for his lack of effort. These are just examples of short interventions that work, as opposed to things that don't. It's a way to give a little back if you have the time and energy, because you care enough for that person or just because you know that we are all sort of connected, giving, taking, and sharing according to our possibilities and needs in different stages of our lives. Of course you are not to deplete your batteries trying to save another. These are things you do when you feel your vitality can uplift a friend, to give him a taste of how worthwhile life can be. As in the examples the video gave. You don't adopt him or his problems, but you are just ready to run on your own battery for a little while, just to entice him into action and awaken his appetite again, at least for a few hours. It might shake him up positively.

@yellowtulip4105

Ай бұрын

@@br3669 We're talking of the right gestures to help, here. Not of long-term or taking over.

@detjaggillar8081

Ай бұрын

​@@br3669Very good thoughts and explained.

@elih6087

28 күн бұрын

​@@br3669 It's not like they're doing it on purpose. They literally are depressed.

This like almost rendered me to tears because all through my depression, I would’ve appreciated this… so much. Instead I lived out the last several years alone having to explain myself and make decisions I didn’t want to make

@aaishaismail5717

Ай бұрын

❤️I can’t imagine the strength you much have

@garyneilson3075

Ай бұрын

"hold fast"! (1Thess.5 :21)

@cohleensamuel9745

Ай бұрын

Me too sadly. 😭

@nataliemulby7808

Ай бұрын

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope things are better for you now.

@KimNherJourney

Ай бұрын

Isn’t it good to talk about it though it get it off your chest at least once.

This kinda started as one of the blanket statement videos that make me annoyed, but then it turned into a well articulated and backed up concept that is genuinely helpful. That made me smile.

Thanks! I've always just told my mom and sister that "you can tell me that you're not okay when i ask how you're doing," since the general "expected" response for people is "oh i'm doing good" and I don't want them to feel obligated to say that. But your advice seems even better, I appreciate it!

This is so true!!! Depressed people also don’t like being shamed for how they cope. Supported yes! Shamed makes it worse!!!

@ameliadavis1979

Ай бұрын

👏👏👏

@flowersmile123

Ай бұрын

Very true. I can do "bad" on my own. I don't need anyone adding on to it.

@Ragnellrok

Ай бұрын

Genuine question, no judgement. What if their coping mechanism is objectively unhealthy, like overeating or drug use?

@solus8685

Ай бұрын

​@@Ragnellrok shaming will still only make things worse.. Show support in a sensible way

@zillva

Ай бұрын

​@@solus8685You cannot in good faith support their coping mechanisms if it is bad. If they are harming themselves, showing support of that is not a good thing.

One of my favorite memories from one of the darkest times in my life: My friend wanted to hang out and go shopping. I slept through my alarms and wasn't awake when he showed up. He broke into my house (wasn't that hard lol) and woke me up with a coffee he brought me. He was patient with me as I got ready and we went out. I felt so awful about sleeping in (going to bed at 'normal times' is one of my biggest struggles) and he cringes about breaking in but I treasure that day. Being out in his car on a sunny day, going thrift shopping, with a coffee that I only have because of his determination to hang out. I was in such a dark spot and needed that light and connection so badly. Not recommending breaking into your friend's homes, but make sure they know you treasure their presence 💖

@SACKBOY123432

Ай бұрын

Yeah this is me right now, sleeping through alarms and waking up at odd times... I'm trying to fix myself, but I wish I had a friend like that

@Marispider

Ай бұрын

Oh mannn that sounds so sweet though, I get it. Like, obviously I'd have to already be close to this person, and I'd be worried about just how easy it was for someone to break in... but a huge thing that I (and I think a lot of depressed and mentally ill folks) deal with is feeling like my friends don't actually like me that much, which makes it extra hard for me to initiate hang outs. Knowing that one of my friends was so determined to hang out with me they BROKE INTO MY HOME would also be a highlight of that friendship for me and make me more comfortable in that friendship. Which is bizarre to admit. But yeah, probably best to show that sort of love in less potentially invasive ways LMAO

@MatthiasJBarker

Ай бұрын

It's these moments of love that touch us so deeply and change us forever, thank you for sharing!

@cammen1190

Ай бұрын

@@SACKBOY123432 Right, where do you live? I’m coming over

@Mashamazzi

Ай бұрын

I for one do recommend breaking onto your friends house, better to have them be pissed at you than finding out they might still be here if you didnt

One of my best friends lives across the country from me. It lights me up when he sends me youtube videos or randomly reaches out. It's good to know that someone is out there, who cares. Incidentally, he doesn't have depression or any mental disorders. But over the years, he has taken more time to learn and understand it because of his friendship with me. He's a rare one.

@sarahlund-nt3kw

Ай бұрын

Tell me about it. My best friend lives about three town's away from me. Just depended which flat became available for her, a few years ago, yet I wouldn't have anyone else being my best friend. I met her when I was age eighteen.

It litterally made me cry by how spot on this is. Thank you.

From someone who has experienced depression, this is GREAT advice. From someone who has tried to love friends through depression… I want to impress on you that not all people with depression want to help themselves. They are allowed to say no, they are allowed to wallow. You do not have any obligation to burn yourself out trying to fix someone you love who does not have the desire to help themselves. Offer the help, but don’t over-extend yourself for someone who doesn’t care.

@heatherb9853

Ай бұрын

This is a great point. I will say to your last few sentences, it’s not necessarily that the person doesn’t have a desire to help themselves or doesn’t care. As someone who has dealt with severe clinical depression for over 15 years, it has nothing to do with a lack of desire or care to feel better. I’d give anything to not feel this way. But it isn’t my friends and family’s duty to try to fix what I’m fighting. It’s a disease just like any other, and not everything can be wished away by a desire to make it so. You as a support person can love in the capacity you are able to and that will be more than enough for the person going through it to know someone cares. Just thought I’d share my two cents on that aspect. ❤

@nayjavu

Ай бұрын

The fact you consider depression "wallowing" is interestingly enough reason for me to believe you're not very supportive and judgmental and they know this about you.

@neadedios3106

Ай бұрын

@@nayjavu Wallowing doesn’t always mean to be a bad thing! And it seems unfair (and ironic) to judge a person based on a single word they used.

@pastelshizu

Ай бұрын

@@nayjavu I feel like this goes a bit deeper. As someone that has had fairly strong depression their entire lives.. sometimes wallowing is accurate. There is safety in not trying. When life weighs you down so often, the worst part of your life starts to feel like home. A toxic, destructive and incredibly bad home for yourself - but home nontheless. Sometimes stepping into that home, seeking comfort knowing that it will not get worse than this worst point of your life is just that.. I consider those moments to be wallowing, because I go into it knowing it's not the best, knowing its bad for me and others, - it's just egoistical relief.

@starlight8115

Ай бұрын

​@@pastelshizu that is so on point. I've had depression since I was 9 (my depression ten year anniversary is coming up, yay! Lol) and to me, wallowing is when I simply choose to give up. Not in life in general and off myself, I can't do that and even when I get that low, I remind I myself I promised to my best friend not to do it, to my parents, because I know they care, even if they don't show me the support I need. I just... Let myself rot away in my bed because I don't have the strength to keep fighting life to be happy. I let myself hit the bottom, have a rest and pity myself before gathering some strength from heaven knows where to keep going

my favorite thing to see is just a simple “hey I love you” I love this advice so much because making responses and decisions is one of the hardest things

@ayouxy

Ай бұрын

Watch out when and how you use it, others may misunderstand it as a romantic confession.

@akiraic

Ай бұрын

that one destroys me, because makes me remember everyone that I wanted to hear that from and never will

@sugoish9461

Ай бұрын

True!! I try to be very open about how much I love my friends (and always in the still-beginnings of friendships clarify it is platonic), and it makes me happy to share with them, and it makes them happy to hear. When my depressed online friend (who's like an older sibling to me 🥹🫶) doesn't have energy to talk, it's been nice to just still leave a little message to them whenever I have the thought of how much I appreciate them, rather than keep quiet about it.

@michellebyrom6551

Ай бұрын

​@@sugoish9461a virtual hug requires nothing more than accepting the thought that someone cares enough to send it. Also, instead of hope you get better soon/however it's expressed, just wish them Nice Thoughts. Followed up by a hand on the shoulder or a platonic hug.

@forrrrestjohncave

26 күн бұрын

Be extremely careful saying that to depressed lonely men though. Trust me. Some of us can definitely take it the wrong way.

A depressed person can rarely articulate this type of information. Friends and family will often feel frustration, anger and rejection because of it. I am so grateful for you and this simple yet powerful message. 😔

my last therapist called this "holding space" and it made me realize I've always been doing this for others without ever getting it back.... I wish someone would hold space for me one day.

I don’t like people trying to force me to talk about my feelings during a depressive episode, but honestly i really prefer my friends to ask “how are you” at least once. even though i am not well, it reminds me that there are people out there who care

@Starburst514

Ай бұрын

Same, I'd wish someone would ask me that during my lows, but I'm always the one that asks more, and it's like as a result no one notices when I'm spiraling and when I try to say something it's like they don't take it seriously

@sebaschan-uwu

Ай бұрын

Maybe it's different in male and female friendships, but I don't even ask my friends what's wrong because when something is wrong with me I hate when I have to explain to someone who asked especially when it's likely they asked just to be polite. So I assume they wouldn't want me to ask that either. Instead I try to let the conversation go however they want and if they wanna talk about feelings I listen and be supportive and shit

@Starburst514

Ай бұрын

@@sebaschan-uwu stuff like that is also why harm numbers for guys is up though...even if you're not into it it's good to let your guy friends know you have them

@Tony8418

Ай бұрын

“How are you?” is more powerful than most people realize. I make it a point for it to be the first thing I say on a phone call. It always seems to a more open meaningful interconnected discussion; and I cherish those interactions and try to cultivate them as best I can.

@everfluctuating

Ай бұрын

i think its important to ask how someone is doing, but it has to come from a place of genuine concern and they have to be okay with an answer like "bad. very bad" without further explanation, for several days in a row. and still offer their depressed friend some way to connect thats low effort for them.

It's actually one of the best explainations I've ever heard about depression.

Thank you for saying this, very true. The things that always helped me most when I was down wasn’t adamant concern because it feels invasive and makes me feel pitied, it was the willingness to just be there OR to simply ignore it until I felt like bringing it up on my own.

This is genuinely so good ❤️ strength to everyone out there. Keep going. Keep living. And be kind

I think that’s a wonderful advice because a person who is depressed can’t handle any more pressure. Just holding space being there watching TV together anything. Bringing dinner but certainly no pressure no huge big words of advice because they’re not in the space that they can hear it. It only makes them feel worse about themselves. They already know they’re depressed.

@abbylebaddie

29 күн бұрын

I thought I knew what depression was because of my abusive childhood. But now I am realizing that was nothing compared to how I feel as a lonely miserable grieving adult. I actually voluntarily went to a psych ward just because I know that idiot shrinks dole out drugs there like candy and you can safely and cheaply have a means of committing suicide by the time you leave and the facilities are generally so horrific you will be more than ready to too

God this is the best advice in my entire life. Now I can really help someone. I never though about adapting like this. Thank you.

@MatthiasJBarker

Ай бұрын

You’re so welcome 🙏🏻

@Rosetintedwater

Ай бұрын

I honestly never thought about it that way, I don't know anyone that needs help but that is such a great advice. Wow. Thank you.

@chickenanon

Ай бұрын

As someone who's been chronically depressed for a very long time--one thing i actually love is just... getting kidnapped. I've had friends who'd just be like hey I'm coming over to steal u cause I'm going to [the mall, ren fest, etc] and want ur company. Not too often and like, don't rush them and be willing to take a no--but honestly it's so nice to just get out of the house and have fun. But also yeah i love just...a casual hangout!!! And I'm so grateful ppl care about me!!! But bro i do Not wanna talk about my feelings, all I've been thinking about is my feelings let's talk about something else 😂😂 ❤❤❤❤❤

This is straight gold… as someone who has recently found themselves in deep serious depression just people’s presence without energy or expectation is more valuable than anything.

“If someone can feel just the presence of you and your love without the pressure to have to explain” That’s so good. Thank you

Lets stop asking people how are you and ask people what do you need? That builds connection. 🧿

@teresafarrell6457

Ай бұрын

The problem is, during those times no one knows what they need. 🤷

@SirinaX

Ай бұрын

They might feel guilty or embarassed to say what they exactly need

@francookie9353

Ай бұрын

I mean he addresses exactly that in this clip. Instead of questions, suggest time spent together.

@vanessatrenor6714

Ай бұрын

No...depression sufferer here, . We habe decision paralysis and when I say NO energy I mean it. Then when I cant answer that question from fatigue and paralysis, its compounded with shame. Know what they like, send out the idea and plan that has low pressure and just do it.

@forrrrestjohncave

26 күн бұрын

When I'm depressed because I don't have a romantic partner though, saying "what do you need" doesn't really make sense lmao. There are some situations where nothing can be done for somebody.

It's just a simple kindness in a simple action. Depressed people almost always isolate because we just don't want to bother anyone OR have to explain anything. Baking cookies or muffins for an hour, going out for a quiet walk would change everything for an hour or day for seriously depressed people. These days though, reality is that no one has any time they're willing to give. Lots of time for KZread, FB, though. 😢

@abbylebaddie

29 күн бұрын

I think even with healthy activities like exercise and hobbies there are still various reasons for depression. For me no matter how much I do the healthy activities and get that life giving Sunshine and those wonderful endorphins, I just want my grandparents back. And I just want to love a man and be loved by one like they were toward each other. They were the only romantic marriage I ever saw or knew. They remind me of God though and that God is a romantic at heart. He loved Humanity sooo much He came to earth as a human man and died for me and everyone. Jesus is really the only dude I'd follow anywhere. But I think it's because I feel like He gets what it's like to experience the muck and mire of human misery but also know that God is always faithful. The God I believe in was there all those times I was alone. He saw every tear and He heard me and cared when no one else did. Ironically this post while it may not make much sense to anyone else was clearly helpful to me. I feel like it reminds me of the good stuff--my belief in my Jesus and what He can do. I know I am a sinner. Proudly so. We all are sinners lol. I am so thankful that God's love is not conditional or easily lost like human love. His love is the only thing I know is true ❤❤❤

A lot of times depression comes from a childhood wounding of not feeling loved or connected to family, so this is the perfect antidote ❤

I've been pretty good the last few days. And much better than for example last year. But this short clip, your words, your eyes, your facial expressions... they brought this feeling right back. Yes, that's what I would have wanted. And yes, I still need that now. Eventough I can function okay.

Totally true. I know one guy who is depressed (at least I have the feeling that he is). And I see how hard it is for him to say how he feels, he gets angry, he always says everything is perfect, he just doesn't want to speak. When I just show him I am there for him, without any questions ir pressure, he reacts in absolutely different way. So you are right. Depressed people don't need any questions, any advice. They need connection, presence. And the weirdest thing is that they never tell it. They seem to be avoidant until you just show them everything is okay, you don't expect any explanation.

@KiriaDK

Ай бұрын

As a chronically depressed person, here's a couple of the reasons behind never saying what we actually need: The only thing worse than not getting what you need is asking for what you need and still not getting it. There is the also the worry that someone will only give you what you need out of obligation because you asked, and that it is an imposition. Depressed people are often very sensitive to rejection, whether it is real or only perceived.

@forrrrestjohncave

26 күн бұрын

@@KiriaDK Very well said

As someone with MDD (major depressive disorder), this is incredible advice. Also, even if you can’t physically go to the person, just letting them know that you’re thinking of them and hoping things get better for them means a ton.

@Compos_Mentis96

Ай бұрын

pfp checks out

@BotulinSpikedMarzipan

Ай бұрын

And this is what a stereotype in practice looks like

@sugoish9461

Ай бұрын

This!! I try to send a little message to my online friends whenever I am randomly reminded of how much I appreciate them and care for them, instead of just letting it stay inside my head. It makes me happy to share, and makes them happy to get 🫶

@bettyjohnson2964

Ай бұрын

Great comment! I have been diagnosed for many years with anxiety and depression and MDD!! I just watched a video from Carnivore Quest that "Carnivore cures depression!" and I could really relate to that!! I'm 72 and went keto then carnivore over 2 years ago, and my anxiety and depression are gone, and my chronic pain I have lived with for over 25 years with fibromyalgia is now minimal!! I love the mental clarity I have now!! I encourage you to check out the carnivore way of eating!! A close friend of mine is a Navy veteran and she has suffered with PTSD for many years, and nothing has helped her, not even shock therapy. When I texted her on Veteran's Day, she told me that she had also gone carnivore and that was the only thing that has helped her PTSD!! She has lost weight and says she is feeling so much better!! What do you have to lose by giving it a try!! I'm thankful that I did!! God bless you!! Don't give up hope!! ❤❤

@donatococo1861

Ай бұрын

Is that an only meat protein diet ?

The compassion and kindness in this mans face... it's real

that's right, company, actual company with that person is the best way of turning it

My mom had depression and I made these mistakes waaay to many times. But I honestly didn’t know what could I do. This is a great explanation!! Thank you! Seriously!

@sugoish9461

Ай бұрын

You tried, and you didn't know how to do it the right way, so please don't blame yourself 🫶

@MrZAPPER1000

Ай бұрын

This video is from the perspectives of someone who should and can be helping. When you start looking after other people you might have to do this, but not to your mom. (Sorry to push my “shoulds”) I hope you are both better now🙏

@krishnachoubey8648

Ай бұрын

I don't know if my mom ever was or is in depression(probably was idk I was too young) but I always liked to just sit with her in the kitchen when she's cooking or doing the dishes and tell her whatever my curiosities, dreams, thoughts were or just anything amazing that I recently learned and I really felt that sometimes those were/are the things she enjoyed the most. (Sorry for my grammar mistakes, if I made some😅)

@sarahlund-nt3kw

Ай бұрын

It's just that people seem to force themselves upon me, these days. I don't have to spend time with anyone. I choose who I spend my spare time with. We can choose our friends. 😊

You are completely right. I've suffered from depression throughout my life, and what you said made complete sense. I wish I'd had a friend like you.

Thank you. It's hard to ask for help when you're deep in a depressive episode and the guilt that comes with not being any better on my own was heavy. I wish those in my life had this kind of content back then but they did they best they knew how to. This kind of content can save lives ❤

This is great advice for friends and family of people with fibromyalgia or other chronic pain/illness or disability, too. I have fatigue and pain flares that last months, sometimes years, and in those times pretty much all of my loved ones disappear because I can barely leave the house or do much at all after caring for my dog and I. It would be nice even to be asked how I’m doing today because that would show someone was thinking about me, or to be asked if I’d like a visit or to just hang at home or at the dog park where I can sit a bit and watch my dog have fun while catching up with friends, or do something that doesn’t require a lot of energy or intensify my pain too much. But everyone, even family seem to avoid me and wait until I’m somewhat “functional” or “useful” again. It goes to show that most people don’t really want to connect or spend time with me unless I can fit in with whatever they want to do. And that’s fine, but boy it can get lonely when you haven’t seen a friend or had a phone call for 6 months. My dog means the world to me. She is my world, just me and her, most of the time. I’m not a difficult or mean person either, I put others before myself and I’m kind. If I had a loved one with a chronic illness or a disability or even just an acute illness or injury I’d for sure check on them whenever they crossed my mind and make an effort to connect and catch up in whatever way was suitable for them. It’s kind of upsetting that my loved ones don’t do the same for me, and even when I can’t walk and ask my immediate family for help they admit that it’s annoying or inconvenient for them to help me even though none of them work and are happy to to drop whatever they’re doing to assist other family members or exes who aren’t sick or disabled at all🥺

@dani-88

Ай бұрын

Ps God bless those checking up and checking in with their friends and family, unwell or well. If it wasn’t for my dog I’d be happy to leave this world because it’s so hard to find truly genuine, caring friends, and we can’t choose our family😋 even though I love mine lol

The worst part about being depressed is knowing nothing anybody can say or do will make you feel better.

@marydidyouknow5826

26 күн бұрын

That hasn't been my experience.

@forrrrestjohncave

26 күн бұрын

That's the situation I am in. When your depression is caused by lovesickness nothing anyone says or does makes it better.

@sportscarman5

25 күн бұрын

​@forrrrestjohncave Says? No. Does...maybe. see your friends connect with people. It's counterintuitive, but depression is a disease of loneliness.

@janhurst544

20 күн бұрын

@@forrrrestjohncaveit will pass issue is it could take years! You will know you are healed when you can imagine yourself happier with other people

@astoldbynickgerr

20 күн бұрын

Yeah. Then what?

Great advice, I had a friend do this for me when I was struggling, she used to just come over, cook me something to eat, wash the dishes and just basically be there for me. She’s still my best friend 20 years later ❤

@saphironkindris

Ай бұрын

hot damn, and you haven't married this person? That's an amazing friend.

@missluna5

Ай бұрын

@@saphironkindris we’re both female, and straight 😂

@sugoish9461

Ай бұрын

​@@missluna5 Don't let that stop you! xD /j

@SA-xh6bs

Ай бұрын

So heartwarming to read this. What a beautiful friendship. May you be both richly blessed.

@donatococo1861

Ай бұрын

A true friend

I've never felt more understood in my whole freaking life!!! Thank you for telling this to so many people!

This is a much better idea than anything I've ever been told. Also, if tou go over to your friend's house, please make sure to leave it as you found it, or even better than you found it. Wash your cup. Throw the trash you made in the trash can. Fold your blanket you used. Put things back where you found it. One reason your anxious and depressed friends don't want company is because people keep messing up their house and they end up playing host when they were already exhausted. They don't recover from the messes you leave behind for days if they're lucky, weeks if they aren't coping at all.

"Don't" is a strong word. Asking how someone is could open up a whole nother dimension to a person. It takes a bit of learning and time to understand how someone would want to be approached, and it's unique for every person. Personally, if someone all of a sudden made some random plan that involved me I'd be stressed out! But that works for some people! I hope whoever is going through some hard times finds what gets them going in life ❤️

I have chronic pain, as well as depression, and the last thing i want is to be called to go somewhere. I really feel this

@riverwing7497

Ай бұрын

Do you mean is? I'm confused

@ChiaRiaRei

Ай бұрын

@riverwing7497 yeah is. It was a typo, i fixed.

@willowtree6487

Ай бұрын

I have chronic fatigue and pain, and I think this is great advice too! I’d love someone to come over and cook me dinner, or hang out with me when I’m too tired to go anywhere, not even my family would do that and they all live locally. Sadly most of my friends live all over the place and I don’t have many local friends. I have all the time in the world, but not the energy, and I find it really sad that certain people don’t have the time for me.

@ChiaRiaRei

Ай бұрын

@willowtree6487 yes i would love to have someone just show up and offer lol

@bettyjohnson2964

Ай бұрын

​@@willowtree6487oh how I can relate to you! I'm 72 and was disabled at 50 with chronic pain from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety and depression, and MDD. Also have spinal issues and have had 5 spinal fusions that cause pain! Over 2 years ago I went keto then carnivore, and my biggest fear was that I would not have the energy, or the pain would be too bad, for me to cook meat and eggs. But I felt like I had to give it a try! So thankful I did!! Anxiety, depression, and MDD are gone, my pain is minimal, I am no longer type 2 diabetic, finally at my normal weight, and I am finally ENJOYING life again!! Please check out the carnivore way of eating!! It gave me my life back!! God bless you!! ❤🙏

So glad to hear someone finally say this. Nobody does anything actionable anymore. This literally happened to me today and I honestly just didn’t even want to answer

This is so accurate. Directly asking is not the most helpful way to show support, especially towards men who are struggling, because society tells them to shut up when they try to express themselves. SHOW UP. (With permission of course). Make the effort to put yourself in the same space as them, and once you’re there, try to make it clear you’re intention is to show whatever support they need, on THEIR terms, no judgment, period. If you notice that things are really messy in their living space, maybe ask if it’s okay if you help them with a task that requires little from someone who isn’t struggling, but could be insurmountable for someone in active, deep depression-like running a load of laundry, just picking up some trash they’ve let accumulate, doing something to help physically brighten up the space, make it look better. And if they refuse because “it’s too much to ask”, remind them that a task that feels insurmountable for them right now does not represent the same amount of effort or energy for you to complete it for them. You can handle picking up trash because you’re doing well enough that you not only have extra “bandwidth” or “spoons” left after taking care of your own needs, and you are choosing to spend a little bit of what’s left to assist a friend because that’s what you wanted to do, to help them with something they may not be able to handle at the moment. Maybe encourage them to take a shower if they have been neglecting hygiene while you clean, so they don’t have to watch you, and they can have their own task to accomplish while you do yours, so they feel less like a burden. That way you can have a sense of parallel accomplishment without the friend feeling like they “made you do something for them” because they also overcame a hurdle on their own: bathing, even if they had to be encouraged to do so.

Unless you’re like me and just want to be left alone. Always being around people is mentally exhausting but a lot of society doesn’t understand how anyone can be happy not talking and in solitude.

@Humanoidfrenzzy

Ай бұрын

But if you're happy, you're not depressed so how is this relevant? This is about how to support a friend dealing with depression.

@aitzepe

Ай бұрын

I didn't know they were mutually exclusive. I spend half of every year depressed and the last thing I need is the burden of somebody trying to spend time together. I'm good with showing care and making sure I know they're there for me if I felt like it, but spending time together with somebody drains me even more. Just because somebody else doesn't experience things like you do, it doesn't mean they don't know what they're talking about or that they're wrong.

@sarahlund-nt3kw

Ай бұрын

​@@aitzepeYes. I completely agree. What's with the "Oh. You must be feeling so lonely" talk? 😄 If I was feeling lonely, well I have friends phone numbers who I can phone. I can cope okay, though, even if I do spend time with myself. I'm out all day, at times, so once I go back to my flat, I like my own space, to rest and recuperate, to get my physical energy back. It isn't a big ask. People don't respect their other friend's needs for time and space, which makes the friendships feel mentally draining . It takes a lot for me, to want to talk, sometimes, but if anyone takes offence to that, then wow. I can only do so much in a day.

@bleehh

Ай бұрын

​@@Humanoidfrenzzy depression is a disorder, not an emotion. You can be happy that you're alone while still being severely depressed. That wasn't a contradiction.

This is so true. I don’t want to be asked about how I feel, I don’t want to have to lie and say I’m doing well. And on the slight chance I do say I feel depressed, I certainly don’t want to be asked why or how they can make me feel better. Short answer, you can’t make me feel better. There’s no shortcut to being happy for me. I don’t want to go out places. I want to be at home. I of course appreciate when people visit me, but I don’t like leaving my home unless necessary.

@MatthiasJBarker

Ай бұрын

For sure, connection is what’s needed most

@Aly_5610

Ай бұрын

This video is the best way to Explain how our Lord Jesus works in your life for better, that addiction, that constant rage over eveything, or simply the lack of desire to live can go all away with you just accepting that movie night invite, only that, he invites you to read the bible, to listen to what he has to say about you and figure out that youre really special as a human being and as a child of God, to experience true Joy and everlasting happiness is to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour and accept his invite, even if you dont believe in God, just try, and if youre not convinced then you can just go back to being how you were before, but i really urge you to consider this invite to focus on Jesus and him alone, Stay blessed sister and brothers❤❤❤❤❤ He is coming soon and he want to take you home which is heaven, tomorrow is not promised so lets make every second count❤

@loomonda18

Ай бұрын

Absolutely. I simply text them "I hope you're feeling a little better today ❤" - which I never expect a reply from bc I know how hard it can be, but I just want them to know that I am thinking about them.

@blank_page

Ай бұрын

yep. i hate it when people ask how i am because i either have to lie and say "fine", or i feel like i'm just being a downer all the time. i have to explain why i'm 'not fine' and i don't know why i always have to explain or justify. Isn't "life suffering" Lol. Most people take it as the default that one should feel 'fine'... but if you don't feel fine, then it's like oh, what happened? But sometimes, nothing's really happened per se... i just don't necessarily feel great most of the time. :| so... i don't know how to answer this question. hahahah yikes. :/ I guess i try to just say "same"? Most of the time I know they aren't asking for a real answer...

@nienkehuijbens301

Ай бұрын

In general i find it really annoying when people can't just empathize with your struggles but always have to find a solution to everything. That feeling must be three doubled when you're depressed

This is SO good. For me, when I'm in my wrist moments, having to make decisions or leave the house just feels tremendously exhausting. If someone did this, it would have been so nice. ... I just realized I had a friend who did this. I never realized that she probably figured out I was depressed. I should reach out and thank her.

This actually brought me to tears because I never managed to properly articulate this whenever i had depressive episodes, but this is Spot. On.

I just started crying. This could be the difference between life and death for someone. Definitely could be for me. Thank you for this 🖤

@EvaneCrow

Ай бұрын

appreciating the fact that im not the only one having this sort of reaction watching this. hope you have a good day with nothing specific dragging you down

@jaredf6205

Ай бұрын

I just don’t value friendship enough to bother that much.

@tabitas.2719

Ай бұрын

Wishing you friends like this in your life!!

@kanadesato5905

Ай бұрын

@@jaredf6205What do you mean ? You don’t like your friends enough to take some time for them and try to help them to feel a little better ? Or do you mean something else that I missed ?

@flowersmile123

Ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It makes me feel human.

As a chronic depressed person id be happy to have a friend text me anything. Greatful even.

@joen6260

Ай бұрын

Right?! This sounds nuts to me. Like objectively wrong

@user-ul1xq2db4f

Ай бұрын

Grateful* 😊

@Starburst514

Ай бұрын

Same, lol, like no one ever asks how I'm feeling

@saintejeannedarc9460

Ай бұрын

It's sad, so consider this a text from someone who understands. I much prefer a phone call, and I've tried to tell some of my friends this. It's fallen on deaf ears. They are happy and don't want to be interrupted in this. I have one friend locally that needs me and will be concerned. Another that is long distance and if I'm not calling enough or he knows I'm getting worse, he will just send comforting texts from work than I can wake up to. Mostly I'm ignored from family and other old friends and that's really haunting me and making it all the harder. They know, but just figure I'll get through it on my own, even though this is the longest one I've ever had. My mom thinks I can just snap out of it if I choose to.

@ananyamoses6952

Ай бұрын

@@saintejeannedarc9460Wow I really feel everything you just wrote… I’ve been feeling depressed this past year and it’s mainly because I’m realizing that my very close friends didn’t think we were that close. Hence why they’re not answering my texts or calls. 😢

My favorite way to connect and start a conversation is “Thinking about you today” because that’s what I need. If someone asked to come over to make s’mores I wouldn’t respond. WAY too much pressure. But someone thinking about me gets my response if I Want to respond and need someone. Feels so good to just know someone is thinking of me, and often motivates me.

So true… those of us that experienced the hell of severe depression we know what to do. It’s just that it’s difficult to explain not even having the motivation to just go outside and sit in the sun. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve had those kind of days and then I feel worse about myself it’s vicious cycle until you one day ask from the bottom of your heart for help and you will be amazed. “ ask without hidden motive or doubt in your heart .. and you shall receive.”

I finally understand that this is how my cousin helps me when I feel sick, anxious, or depressed. When I feel like shit she doesn’t try to fix me, she just says, hey wanna hang out, watch a movie with me, bake something? Instantly love her presence. Makes it even sadder that she’s moving to Alabama soon (we live in NJ) because her husband is doing residency there.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a friend is simply be there and allow them to not be okay. Don't make them feel like they need to be anything. Let them mourn, and let them process their feelings. You allowing them to do that is validating for them.

Sooooo on point! Sadness is a emotion that needs to be accepted. People are not happy ALL the time. And it's okay.

That’s the most healthy video on KZread I’ve ever seen in 5 years, thank you 😭✨✨✨

Almost all of my friends are neurodivergent and have experienced some form of depression/anxiety. So we send each other memes

You could literally write a book.. with just this advice in it.. and it would sell millions. This is gold.

This is very thoughtful and I can see how this would actually help better than anything I tried

Great advice! Thank you and I hope people learn this. I was yelled at by family members! Told to "straighten up", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", etc. This succeeded in me pulling further away from them because they only increased my pain, grief and depression.

At least you feel loved if people ask better than nothing..

I've had depression since I was 8. The power of it kind of comes and goes. When I have an episode when it's really bad, my friends understand. They're just there and it helps me feel better rather than them trying to help me

You delivered those offers with such love and compassion it brought tears to my eyes. My limited support group is sick of my shit and doesn’t try anymore, which makes me try even less than before.

Just knowing that someone cares enough to show up and just be present is more than enough to help turn things around.

Even just "thinking of you. Here's a picture of a cute animal" can mean the world

@DeanTheDoctor

Ай бұрын

😊🌎✨

Hehe, this is so real. Every time my depression gets so bad that i can't fully mask it, my roommate just asks me if I want to watch something (in like, the softest voice ever like he's talking to a wounded animal). I burst into tears every time, and he doesn't comment on it or anything. He just sits down and waits for me to pick something. It just makes me feel so comforted and loved. I don't normally like feeling seen because i just feel so vulnerable and exposed, but there's something so nice about relaxing and letting down my guard enough to just stop pretending for a little while.

The number of times I hear "just change your mindset" 😢. I stop explaining that this is not how it works and I just need some connection. Just sharing how I feel, without you judging or advising me. So thank you for this short ❤

Very true and super smart. There’s a lot of intrusive thoughts when you’re struggling with depression. Between being worried you’re going to upset other people, feeling like a burden or unwanted, thinking you’re annoying other people etc…someone saying something as little as, “I’d like to spend time with YOU” takes a lot of that self doubt away. Feeling loved and wanted makes a huge difference towards shutting down those negative thoughts.

Just be glad someone cares about you and is taking an interest. When I was younger, I suffered years of suicidal depression and was on many meds and hospitalized multiple times. This was before texting existed, but if it did exist at the time it would have been nice to have people ask how I was.

@justinandbobbie

Ай бұрын

I'm glad to hear you say this. Thank you. Friendship is a two-way street, and people need to understand that asking how someone is means that someone is investing energy into your relationship. Most people aren't fully charged at 100% when they reply they're "fine", which is probably why no one expects people to say, "I'm great." By definition, "fine" means getting by. It's a minimum. If you're just surviving, you're fine. It won't destroy your conscience to say it because it's not a lie. Getting by at a baseline is unique to people's specific circumstances. Friends who know you know what you mean. They understand your baseline.

The thing is, that’s not true for everybody. When I was depressed, nobody would ask me how I was doing, and I wished they did. It’s different from one person to another! … Many people are actually scared of asking their depressed friend how they are doing because they don’t know what their reaction will be. So, my advice for you is that you should ask YOUR friend for advice! Ask them what you can do to help: do they want to talk about their feelings, do they want you to come over and give them a hug, do they want to just chill and watch a movie with you… Just show them you are open to whichever answer they may give you, so that they will be less worried about telling you when they aren’t doing well. 💕

@chickynicky_yt

Ай бұрын

Well for my case, I don't tell anybody. Nobody knows.

@SterlingRaven37

Ай бұрын

Yeah depending on where I'm at with my depression, that changes what I need from people. The most valuable thing to me is consistency, because right now I can't be that for myself.

@BlinkinFirefly

Ай бұрын

I think you're right. But for more deeply depressed people, and if those attempts at asking don't work, it may be necessary for the friend to make proactive yet low-pressure decisions in order to connect. Saying "Can I come over?" and making it for your own reasons and not because you are ""helping" them, can really take that guilt and pressure off. But I agree with you, I often really do just want somebody to ask how I'm doing.

@aikhii

Ай бұрын

@@BlinkinFirefly Yeah, I agree with you 100%! It really does just depend on the situation. In those cases, it can be super helpful and make us feel less like we are a burden to the other :’)…

@John-ej9xz

Ай бұрын

Asking a depressed person what you should do is like pulling teeth at least in my experience. They don’t really know what they want so they definitely wouldn’t know what to tell me and if they did i don’t think they would because ,at least in my friend group, we all try to act stronger than we are. We’ve always helped each other through that by just inviting each other on late night drives or late night music sessions where we would just jam or vibe to music and it was strange because after a hour or so everything would just pour out as though we all knew our feelings and thoughts wouldn’t leave the car or the room. So I agree heavily with the video. Sometimes just having someone existing leads to enough comfort to share those dark thoughts we keep trapped in our heads.

I have been severely depressed since I moved out from my little hometown two and a half years ago, and it just kept getting worse over time. Hearing this actually makes me feel a lot better. Thanks.

Wow…this hit home so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it explained so perfectly

WOW! THIS IS REAL. Well done! Got emotional just thinking about this. Spending time with someone, without requiring anything from them, is brilliant!!! Putting the burden on yourself, instead of the person who’s troubled… Absolutely brilliant!

You hit the nail right on the head. When you are going through depression trying your best to get through to the other side, you feel like you just want to keep things simple. You don't want to hear about another person's problems because you are doing all that you can to keep yourself together.

Yes, that is what can start a real change in people to just feel accepted and after that the coping mechanisms for pressure may start melt away. When you know that someone just wants to be around you without the things you should be. Love the video ❤

this is so me. please dont make me think how i feel or make me plan something because this will only make things worse. best advice ever

This is so good. Thank you. I lost everyone when I got seriously ill. They kept claiming they truly wanted to help me. All I had to do was tell them exactly what to do, not ask for things that were too big because they were busy but also not too small because those didn't seem important enough to remember, be easy to reach online, remind them I existed but not in a needy way, and understand they had busy (very regular) lives so they might not actually do anything and also forget I existed. When I tried to explain how all of this made me feel, they replied they were done defending themselves. I never asked them to defend themselves. I asked them to be in my life. To allow me to be in their lives. Apparently, that was too much to ask.

@SarahWasson-yq5fl

Ай бұрын

I’m sorry you had to deal with that and I hope you’re okay.

@coolchameleon21

Ай бұрын

wow i completely relate to this. being made to feel like a needy burden when you’re simply reaching out for connection :/

Be glad they care enough to even ask! Damn. Wish I had some friends to text me and ask me how I'm doing. People are so ungrateful anymore...

@Amcsae

Ай бұрын

Seriously! No one ever texts me! And my closest friends all live in other states, so they can't just *drop by*, and I can't just *go over* and make them s'mores...

@eatjonesoh

Ай бұрын

It's not being ungrateful. Be grateful you don't get it!

@10_Percent_For_The_Big_Guy

Ай бұрын

@@eatjonesoh It IS being ungrateful. Stop complaining that people care too much about you!

@just_learning_art

2 күн бұрын

Yeah idk what these people are talking about. If some even bothers texting you be grateful. My friend doesn't even text me unless I plan for something and text them first. And that's fine because no one owes you anything.

@eatjonesoh

2 күн бұрын

​. The thing is not being ungrateful someone cares. It's that sometimes when folks are deep in depression, the last thing they're going to do is reply what they're actually thinking. They're going to say they're fine and that's the end. Barker is saying if you suspect they're struggling and reach out in a specific way to just exist in the same physical space as them, you are much more likely to really connect meaningfully and help them through their depression. A lot of people have gotten so good at putting a face on that they habitually deflect and don't even consider sharing how they really feel. A lot of times it is because the depressed person doesn't want to be a burden to anyone by dumping their problems on them. But when spending time together is framed as a favor to the friend, the depressed person often will gladly accept the offer/ask because they will move themselves to do for others what they can't be motivated to do for themselves. It just makes me really sad to see people watch a clip like this and have the takeaway be that someone is being ungrateful for a text when the reality is that the person may be so glad to know someone cared to ask but still not be able to really connect in the way they need to. The video is offering how you can really reach your depressed friend if they aren't ready to be real yet. Sometimes they haven't even gotten real with themselves.

this genuinely made me cry a little because it’s so accurate. i’m learning to be a bit more honest with how i’m feeling but only with a small amount of the people i know at the moment. all my friends are online because people scare me (half joking) so hanging out with them is always nice.

As someone who has suffered from depression for decades and is going through a major depressive episode right now, I really appreciate it when I get texts from friends. It would be horrible if someone showed up at my apartment like this guy is suggesting. I'm not up for any in person socializing right now and have been out of work for months due to illness. A friend and former coworker texts me 2 or 3 times a week to check on me and I am so grateful. Text your depressed friend!

One of the things i appreciate the most about one of my friends is that if she asks how i am doing on an off day and i just reply 'breathing', she doesn’t panic, doesn't try to get me to explain where i am at mentally, doesn't offer empty promises about things getting better. She lets me be, and that is the most supported i feel at moments like that

@Claire-tk4do

Ай бұрын

Noted, for future reference in my own relationships

@gayathriK2661

Ай бұрын

@@Claire-tk4do i hope it helps. it's definitely not the kind of text i would send to my parents or even some of my other friends. it's not that I'm feeling suicidal or whatever in that moment, just that i barely have the energy to think and explaining that is too much effort, so it's nice to have at least one person who gets it

@Claire-tk4do

Ай бұрын

​@@gayathriK2661 Cool, thanks for the further context! People work many different ways so it's always helpful to understand better in order to have more successful and helpful interactions.

Not to be a downer but also be happy that someone rings you to ask you how you are. I’ve never had that question in my whole life

@Zachorazor1

Ай бұрын

Yep.

@emiliana1767

Ай бұрын

Just increases the guilt that is already overwhelming. Depression is feeling like you're a burden to the world. Having people say to you that you're ungrateful for having people care about you is only increasing that.

@onesyphorus

Ай бұрын

ong man i actually feel a little happy. ig there is that fear theyll leave you once they think you are okay later on though. thats what scares ppl

@psyteo3130

Ай бұрын

⁠​⁠​⁠@@emiliana1767where did the original comment say that you’re ungrateful for having people care about you?

@justinandbobbie

Ай бұрын

Checking in with a friend shouldn't put that friend who is checking in under pressure to feel obligated to carve out hours of their day to watch movies or make you dinner. And be truly honest here - my depressed friends do NOT want me showing up at their door. That's the whole point of checking in with them first. It's etiquette, firstly, but plans need to be scheduled, especially with these friends, because if they say they'll meet me there's at least a 50% chance they're a no-show, and if I schedule to come to them, more than half the times they're not there or not answering their door. When someone asks how you are, just say you need space or something. You don't have to say you're fine if you're not, but if you want someone to hang out with, then say THAT. It's not everybody's job to "solve" you. Participate in your friendships. And say you need space when you can't fulfill that duty to them. Yes. Your duty to others. If you want to keep your friends, then show up and be a friend back. Ask them how they're doing. Show up and make them dinner.

This is so beautifully explained. So simple, yet so few people understand this. That they aren't going to try to fix you, they just need to show up, be accepting of you no matter how you are, not expecting anything of you. That's love ❤

Oh man this is so true I have chronic pain and every day is a slog. And I love that my friends and family still try to check in with me but it's like well it's the same as yesterday the day before that and the day before that. I try to be resilient and buoyant but sometimes the whole thing does get to me. This is such good advice I really can't work too hard at friendships to be honest I've started practising radical honesty with friends and family about what I really am going to be able to achieve on the daily. It's great when someone comes in with a plan. Just something simple but a plan.

That's so true. It takes the pressure off if they just have the loving and understanding presence without having to explain.

I don't fell like this could be much more wrong. I always love it when my friends check in and let me know that they care

@Spookdookin

Ай бұрын

For yourself perhaps. I hate it. I end up just shutting down. I feel prompted to evaluate my feelings and I get overwhelmed by it all and feel like a failure. So don’t ask how I’m doing. The answer is always bad.

@zoefoster6750

Ай бұрын

This might be true for you. For me, I appreciate it the first time, maybe the second, but after a while I really get that feeling of guilt saying that I’m still not doing well or feeling compelled to lie and say I’m doing fine just to dispel that. For me it gets to a point where I end up pushing people away and not answering messages because of it. If I want help, I know I have friends that I can reach out to, but those friends are the ones who don’t always ask me how I am. They’re the ones who send me things to brighten my day a little or will start ranting about a TV show we both watch out of the blue.

@lenaliu247

Ай бұрын

I have been seriously struggling with depression for the past 8 years. I agree with everything he’s saying. Perhaps not for you but personally when I’m at my worst, I won’t have energy to complete basic tasks like getting dressed or shower, much less respond to my friends. Even if they’re asking about my well being or caring about me. I love my friends so much but yes just those messages can become a burden because my guilt about being unable to reply to them in my current state makes me loathe myself. And everyday I fail to reply makes the weight heavier until I feel like I can’t breathe.

@kermitthefrog5446

Ай бұрын

⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠@@lenaliu247 maybe just tell them so they stop asking you? i feel like there’s an easy solution to this.

@ernie.99

Ай бұрын

​@@zoefoster6750 Have you ever thought that your friends might ask "how are you today?" because they are unsure on how to start a conversation with you in your depressed state? Have you ever told them how you feel about being asked that question?

I have been at my lowest point in my life a few times and the most comforting moments I will always cherish and was actually helpful is one of my dear friends just held my hand and didn’t say anything while I cried my heart out and then took me out for lunch, or the friend that just shows up at your door with a coffee and a hug. The friend that just says we are going to the beach to watch the sunset and then take you for ice cream. Depressed people don’t need words or advice or suggestions they need your time and love. 💕

I honestly think this is why I didn’t fall too deep into depression’s hands I keep to myself the majority of the time, so nobody really knew how I was feeling, so I was still treated as though I was okay and still had energy and motivation, so when someone asked “hey, wanna go somewhere, want to hang out?” and stuff like that, I did and it really helped People know now and I actually go to therapy, but I’m forever grateful for my friends and family and for you for passing on great advice like this 💪

This seems like good advice but I also don't want to pressure my friend to say yes when they just want to be alone.

This made me cry, because it’s so accurate and I never knew how to express it. Sending this to my loved ones will be a life saver 🙏🏼

This actually really articulated what I need during depressive episodes. Like, I didn't even know this was what i was feeling. Thats exactly right. I dont want to have to explain myself or how I'm feeling, or have to make any decisions. It feels exhausting on top of dealing with the emotions themselves.

Wow, I’ve never had this feeling articulated so clearly