When anxious attachers turn into avoidants BECAUSE of being traumatized by an avoidant. ..

@misssblissxxx

Ай бұрын

🙋🏻‍♀️

@sherryjohnson1090

Ай бұрын

i have actually noticed myself doing this.

@daker1941

Ай бұрын

That very scenario happened to a close friend 😉

@RitaP41

Ай бұрын

And... you're now a bigger problem 😆. Just get therapy!

@karishmadhillon6714

Ай бұрын

I am afraid i would end up an avoidant myself as i am too scared to be with someone now.

the more i analyze love and dating in this day and age, i have decided to aim for becoming a hermit and live in the woods alone for the rest of my life.

@thatsmysherman

Ай бұрын

I totally agree with you.

@stoneystank7355

Ай бұрын

For real. It's sad.

@mcliloldbigyoung

Ай бұрын

Anything can be analyzed until it's spoiled, love is meant to be experienced not fully understood, society is awful but there are still wonderful individuals, don't lose hope

@Serenity888Meow

Ай бұрын

Incel epidemic

@simpleliving4205

Ай бұрын

Me tooo!!!!

I got tired of the 'no contact' crap everytime he couldn't sit there and discuss issues like an adult, but ran away like a child with his hands over his ears! I flipped the script and returned 'no contact'....forever!

@theliterarytarot

4 ай бұрын

Same, it took time but now I can breathe

@pure-pisces9980

4 ай бұрын

Same!! I totally understand....so painful 😢 Avoidants (mine) don't have or understand emotions .....so easy it seems to dismiss/detatch/run!! I've had to ignore any contact....for my own sanity😢

@sheliasmith2884

4 ай бұрын

Right they are not worth your time

@robertldavisjr

4 ай бұрын

I won’t even acknowledge their existence once they go.

@ShondaSweets1987

4 ай бұрын

I soooo agree! My guy use to.put his hands over his ears all the time, weather I was trying to be clam & rational or not. It didn't matter! I got so tired of this childish behavior, oh but, when they're ready to express themselves, they have the need to be heard and HATE it if you ignore them, smh 🤦🏽‍♀️

My avoidant ex said all his exes were anxious…. Now I think we all got our anxiety exacerbated because of him

@ivettelee5340

2 ай бұрын

😅😅😅😅😅😅 so true.

@lisamaron7139

Ай бұрын

Most likely you're right

@Nell01Buck

Ай бұрын

Lmao

@sailorPinata

Ай бұрын

Same big red flag as "All my (female) exes are crazy"

@ashb3117

Ай бұрын

Narcissism and avoidance often arise from the same wounds. But we can't heal them. They have to heal themselves.

He won't find another one like me 💖

@teriodadon7778

3 ай бұрын

Wouldn’t that be the point. To find somebody who won’t be a let down next time 🤔

@s.aura.h8084

3 ай бұрын

@@teriodadon7778 yes, so it's his loss

@cortezconquistador

3 ай бұрын

Facts he won’t that’s how I feel.

@s.aura.h8084

3 ай бұрын

Exactly, it's his loss.

@brandyperez4656

2 ай бұрын

facts I was the upgrade for him so he will feel it

It's funny because I have dated two avoidant guys and both of them swore they thought of themselves as being blunt and direct but ultimately they were big avoidants!

@Coconutshavebadhair

3 ай бұрын

And so healed and ready for the real love i gave 😂😂😂😂 Red flag from now on.

@kuchiku-kanzo759

2 ай бұрын

The girl I was talking to was the same way. She loved a good dare but ask her to be real with you. Yeah nope not happening

@NatzTalk

2 ай бұрын

Omg same!!!!

@v.g4081

22 күн бұрын

Facing the same issue now . I am dumb founded

4 years…One day “I can’t believe that I have you, I always wonder if this isn’t just a really good dream” the next day “I think this relationship has run its course.”

@rapthemusical

Ай бұрын

This really hits home. I got so many "What did I do to deserve you?" and "You're perfect" speeches (no exaggeration) and then boom, ice cold, break up, then no contact. This was my first time in a relationship with a DA; I'm a secure type. It absolutely shook me to my foundations. But I have moved on entirely.

@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel

Ай бұрын

@brianm5637 mine said very similar words.

@valeriedelagarza5121

Ай бұрын

Oh my, exactly! Glad I'm not the only one out there. My husband is this way. I'm done. Keeping strong.

@mexican_wbc9946

Ай бұрын

@@rapthemusicalso I felt that way about a girl I was talking to, I thought she was perfect & would let her know. Then when I found more about her, I ended up losing interest & couldn’t do anything about it. I actually thought I was ready for a relationship after some time of isolation but then that happened. Point is that we aren’t all bad guys which is what people seem to think. I am self aware & don’t want to get into anything because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I try to work on myself but sometimes I feel it’s hopeless & I should just be on my own even though I crave real love & connection. We’re all human really

@rapthemusical

Ай бұрын

@@mexican_wbc9946 I never said she was evil. The fact is I don’t know what she is. She blocked me and ghosted me.

I don't do "no contact". Doesn't work anyway. I give my 100% and more to make a relationship work. And if thats still not working, its "be done" phase. No looking back. Hence be done and congratulate your avoidant ex because he finally fulfilled his destiny to avoid you and your love.

@nicholecornes1915

4 ай бұрын

Totally agree

@HoneybeeHearts52

4 ай бұрын

Congratulations you played yourself and sadly hurt someone in the process. Your message made me laugh. Thank you I needed that 😂

@yee6870

3 ай бұрын

​@@HoneybeeHearts52not a single neuron in your cranial cavity........

@emilycjohnson460

2 ай бұрын

Define "work". If you want to get over them it absolutely does. If you expect it to work by getting them back... there is never any guarantee with an avoidant. But at least you dont look desperate and send the message that rheir behavior is okay with you and you have the upper hand.

@katogojira7223

Ай бұрын

Damn I wish the girls in the comments think like these girl that cause so much hurt

I really pray he gets the help he needs. I really loved him.

@listeningbren

Ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing- empathy seems to get covered by bitterness in a lot of cases.

@KhushiBharti1723

Ай бұрын

Same❤

@vickibazter3446

Ай бұрын

Same

@Cierra9089

Ай бұрын

Same

@nadja5154

21 күн бұрын

​@@listeningbrenthat's right, I can see that here in the comments too. However, especially if you are a compassionate person, this anger and bitterness after a torturous relationship helps to avoid the avoidants and to break the cycle of falling for them again and again before they started healing/are healed. It's a bit harsh at times but maybe necessary?

I think a lot of people who are labelled an “anxious attacher” actually aren’t always that way before dating a dismissive avoidant. I mean - most people want to feel love from someone they care about right? I think there’s a difference between someone who is in a stable relationship but constantly needs attention, and someone who is normally quite independent but is asking for basically the bare minimum from their avoidant partner, which in turn is making them anxious about their partners devotion to them.

@melindanaumovic8124

2 ай бұрын

Hear hear. Totally and utterly agree!

@Ricardo-ur5os

2 ай бұрын

@@FurryNudez she sounds absolutely crazy to be honest. I’d just not have any contact with her at all

@Ricardo-ur5os

2 ай бұрын

@@FurryNudez because of the way you’re describing her… how she’s reaching out and then pretending not to know you, saying stuff that you know isn’t true. You’re portraying her in that way and then defending her when someone else calls her behaviour out… maybe you need to evaluate the situation as a whole and if her actions are healthy ones to have in your life

@monikori6473

2 ай бұрын

100%😊

@gloriazona2283

Ай бұрын

Wow. You said that right! Spot on.

As a former avoidant this is so accurate. At first when you break up you actually feel a relief. For a long period of time there is no emotion about it at all, there’s a sense of getting yourself back. Then at some point you’ll start thinking about the ex again and remembering the good times. Next stage you’ll have some kind of trigger where the emotion of the breakup with hit you harder, then you get very nostalgic about it and start to yearn for the relationship again and beat yourself up for how you acted. It’s actually a horrible way to live your life and can end up in a really dark place.

@LemonWaves

2 ай бұрын

I hope he regrets losing me, I will find someone deserving of my awesomeness. Sad thing is he deserved it but couldn’t get out of his own way

@thatkatt_

Ай бұрын

I struggle with hearing how there’s a sense of “relief” after losing someone who was important in your life regardless of the attachment style. To credit the breakup for forward movement and progress in life seems like accountability isn’t taken since you could have faced challenges together if direct communication and honesty was present. Only then could there be a real chance at saving a relationship which naturally creates a healthier environment to grow alongside one another. People aren’t easily replaceable and I think social media makes us all believe we can just continue restarting with new people carrying old issues.

@13sprintuser

Ай бұрын

but not horrible to reach out and mend things with the ex, right?

@jonestownboogiedown4476

Ай бұрын

@@13sprintusermost of them don’t overcome the shame. They are wounded creatures just like the rest of us and trauma creates shame.

@RitaP41

Ай бұрын

Good! Some people need to hit rock bottom in order to Change.

I’m a secure attachment style and dated an avoidant! He brought out the anxious in me and I had to let go!

@sparky6743

9 күн бұрын

Here here brother (and/or sister we don’t discriminate here)

@ItalianoWithJodina

23 сағат бұрын

@@sparky6743 exactly 100%

the avoidance is what hurts the most and especially when they said "they cared so much about you" its straight evil they are basically saying f*ck my emotions - ok f*ck yours too - I am avoiding them now FOREVER. I definitely don't want an "avoidant" ever again!!

@sheliasmith2884

3 ай бұрын

Amen

@nicolet7694

3 ай бұрын

So true

@muhammadnurfathi8139

3 ай бұрын

Me too, she left me on my exam week. Need to supress all the feeling for my bachelor.

@CNCGuy

3 ай бұрын

I've heard so many stories just like yours growing up. The dating scene is all manners of f***ed up and got even worse 10 fold with online dating. I'm 35 and been single my whole life. Its a sick game of "say all the right things to get you into bed" Men teaching men to be players. and women teaching women to be boss babes and bad bitches.... Men like me are throwing in the towel and turning tail because there is no winning in a game that's rigged from the start. The Nuclear family is nothing but a pipe dream for most.... With more focus on lust than love, and dating coaches convincing everyone to "make sure that spark is there"..... If they say all the right things.... ITS A DAMN TRAP!

@XantaliX

3 ай бұрын

Me too, they're evil. Wasn't a boyfriend but who I considered my best friend. She was so dissmisive in the last convo we had when she decided we "took distance". I litt had to go to psiquiatric help and get meds. I miss her horribly but at the same time I dont thnk I want to see her ever again.

avoidants can turn secure people anxious, even avoidant, themselves. never again. i will just walk away next time the first few red flags appear. wasted so much time, effort, money and love on her. i lost everything. what a fool i was.

@NazaninZare-de6hc

28 күн бұрын

Having the same problem here. Hope you're doing better now.

@merna9615

28 күн бұрын

Hope you heal from this Don't blame yourself you did your best sadly we have to learn the hard way

@MoneySoul

24 күн бұрын

Im healing from the same thing … also we aren’t the fools for being willing to love. We’re the rare brave ones. It’s the avoidant who is the fool they turn love away to look cool. It’s their loss, literally.

Venting… An avoidant’s cold shoulder is vicious and heartless. I don’t care about the thought process in their head anymore…it’s just cruel. My ex did this to me 2x. First time was when we were 20-21 years old around Christmas. Appeared and reappeared over text/calls for the next 11 years, then i let him back in, finally. We WERE in a second relationship for 6.5 years this second time around, and I was a fool. A few weeks ago he went ice cold when I brought up commitment (building a future together) and suddenly he just stopped caring/loving, became an asshole, then ghosted me. So strange and cruel and hurtful. Feels like he never cared at all. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone new without giving me proper closure. WHO DOES THIS SHIT? Avoidants, I guess. Had I known anything about avoidant attachment styles 6.5 years ago, I would not have engaged in a second serious relationship with him. He future faked the whole time making me think he wanted a real partnership and build a home together, forever. What a lie. I never even met a single family member of his. Never visited his home. Didn’t meet his friends. I felt like something must be deeply wrong with me and I just couldn’t see it-even though my other 2 serious relationships proudly let me into their life and family and homes, he let me believe it was me. I can’t wait for the day i no longer have any feelings for him. In the meantime, these videos help me make sense of things and stop the uncontrollable sobs. 💔 /vent

@elvirarahic3380

2 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing. Its rally exhausting to be with an avoidant but God will heal us.

@listening-glistening

2 ай бұрын

@@elvirarahic3380 indeed! God bless you! I’ve surrendered to God in recent days. I trust where He will take me from here on out. ❤️

@RitaP41

Ай бұрын

I really feel for you. Hope that you get the help you need and find a wonderful Secure partner to build a great life with! ❤

@Cat11629

Ай бұрын

My ex did this to me after 40 years

@ruthjowett7006

Ай бұрын

Narcissistic

avoidants get no second chance with me - your hurt me once ur done BYE

@cortezconquistador

3 ай бұрын

Facts

@ts6394

Ай бұрын

Sounds pretty avoidant

@GUITARTIME2024

24 күн бұрын

Lol. One time.? Wow. Aren't you queen of the world.

@EverydayAdventures123

24 күн бұрын

@GUITARTIME2024 actually I gave in and gave the guy a second chance and he played me again so yeah - one chance is enough - why hurt myself more than once by giving a selfish emotionless person a second chance?

@EverydayAdventures123

24 күн бұрын

@@ts6394 They will only keep using you.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer waste time trying to understand someone that gave up on the relationship. Any moments of clarity or enlightenment that I have will only be for my benefit, and the benefit of my future relationships regardless of the dynamic, there’s no point in holding a grudge or bitterness but humanizing someone’s cruelty serves no purpose. Those that genuinely want to be in your life or have remorse for their actions will make the effort, it’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes but preserve your dignity and move on. Focus on yourself, that project or hobby you’ve been putting off and take some time to grieve and do some introspection then save your best for the next person who actually deserves it.

@MoneySoul

23 күн бұрын

❤❤👏👏👏

@zsuzsiwd

17 күн бұрын

Thank you, amen 🙏🏼

Dont care not my monkey not my forest, let them sort their issues

@Darkempress45

4 ай бұрын

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

@Coconutshavebadhair

3 ай бұрын

Which they can't. 😂

@MysticAngel825

Ай бұрын

I love this lmfao. My friends and I always called it “monkey brain”, bc monkey see monkey do. Using not my monkey not my forest from now on

@ItalianoWithJodina

23 сағат бұрын

Bam! Mic drop

this is crazy accurate 😭 Avoidant ex went on 2 international trips within 6 months after our break-up, and we did not take ONE during our 5 years...

@brendabahr4736

3 ай бұрын

Mine met someone then moved into her mansion..In January he went to Aruba! Wtf .We never broke up..he met her at our State Fair..then a week after we went out for my birthday.. I had no clue..she's a 50 yr old rich widow..😮😮

@MJordangame6

3 ай бұрын

@@brendabahr4736sounds narcissistic

@karishmadhillon6714

Ай бұрын

Mine went on more than 3 trips in 6 months, bought a house. Meanwhile I couldn’t even move or function like a normal human being. Avoidants are unbelievably cruel and cold hearted people. I only wish to never encounter one again!

@kristenhyler3400

23 күн бұрын

Same with mine

@TheDrummagurl

10 күн бұрын

Wow that literally happened to me.

They always tried coming back at least 3/4 times. Now, I avoid the avoidants 😅

@aizashaki

Ай бұрын

Avoidants need to be avoided for 100% but at least I turned from anxious attachment style into secure one.

Unless they put effort on healing, its a doomed and useless cycle to go through everytime. Heal yourself and dont give them any chance back, because they always want to come back.

@drexel1976

3 ай бұрын

YESSS! they will never engage differently if they don't willingly dive inward. the Avoidant must be curious about themselves but i've found it's the Anxious one's doing all the work!

@NinjaOutfitInTheWash

3 ай бұрын

@@drexel1976 exaclty. In all honesty the avoidant can fuck all the way off.

@jasonwilkerson9497

Ай бұрын

They hate therapy. They don't like criticism, but love being critical and analytical of others. So awful and cruel.

@ItalianoWithJodina

23 сағат бұрын

@@NinjaOutfitInTheWash indeed!!

Blocking her on all social media was hard but it also gave me huge relief. No more endless hoping she would reach out. No more feeling weird when she can see my "online" status. It helped.

@TheIsraelProphetess

6 күн бұрын

But that’s exactly what avoidants do. You’re being avoidant yourself. Unless I’m being harassed I have no need to block anyone. My avoidant ex is not blocked for me. Because a normal person should be able to move on while still seeing that other person every day.

You forget that some of their "Creature comforts" are all the other "love interests" and superficial connections that they have cultivated even WHILE u were still in a "relationship" to fall back to when they break up with you. Happened with me. As soon as I ended the relatonship after realising it was draining me, and that he was already talking to smb else, he started dating that exact other girl. )))

@healingwithcharlie

Ай бұрын

Although creature comforts usually relate to hobbies, passions, interests or basic needs, people can fill that role if they provide the same feeling of reassurance and warmth that inanimate comforts can offer. Not the healthiest form of a creature comforting, but a creature comforting nonetheless

@GUITARTIME2024

24 күн бұрын

What a great post. 👍

That's why it's said that men come back to late when the woman has already moved on or healed.

@ItalianoWithJodina

23 сағат бұрын

yup, ain't nobody got time for their slow-ass (arrested development) emotion-processing time period

What happens when you go no contact with an avoidant attachment type? They experience ‘separation elation’. They are probably relieved. Because of their early unaddressed emotional wounds they feel easily overwhelmed when relationships get close. They feel guilty. You going no contact will probably be a relief. Will they feel said? Unless they also have a personality disorder like narcissism or anti social personality for example, they will feel sad and guilty about the relationship not working out. They may with the distance of time come to idealise the relationship you had with them and compare future relationships to the one they had with you regretting that they let you get away. But if you were to come back together your relationship will be the same as before unless they choose to work on their issues and you as their partner work with them on the relationship recognising your own attachment issues and what you bring to the table . Begin with asking yourself, why was I attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable or distant ? Why would I want to be with someone like that? Or maybe you are securely attached.

@Coconutshavebadhair

3 ай бұрын

No contact is a relief to them. They do feel sad though. But weeks months later and not because it is over but because they are the victim of themselfs again. And start the same bs over again. Never take them back!! Boohoo 😂

@MrsLP-ht8jy

2 ай бұрын

So well said

@thevicariousvouyer

2 ай бұрын

That makes so much sense. My ex couldn't stop talking about his ex from 9 years ago and how great she was. I once asked him if he still loved her. To which he said no. I thought it was great that he still spoke so positively about his ex but as I got to know more it didn't quite add up.

@Coconutshavebadhair

2 ай бұрын

@@thevicariousvouyer ah the classic phantom ex.. They like that... These people are sick xl.. You can never win...

@Leviapollo

2 ай бұрын

1000%! I had to learn that last part. Like why would I want someone who was so okay with walking away from me when I needed him most? Who could walk away from me while I was sobbing…yuck. Never want that again.

My avoidant ex broke up with me for the third time last week just when we were planning to live together. And my stupid anxious ass still loves him and wants him back.

@adro90

26 күн бұрын

Feel this

@ItalianoWithJodina

23 сағат бұрын

ohhhaww feel your pain

@Kiki-yg1wk

6 сағат бұрын

@@ItalianoWithJodina thanks I'm doing better now

After two years (we were long distance so only saw each other every few months), things felt like they were starting to move into a much more open and intimate connection so I asked for a commitment and he told me he loves me, is intensely attracted to me, loves the way I make him feel but that he doesn’t have feelings deep enough to take it to the next level. He said he wants to stay friends and I had to tell him I can’t do that. I’m on Day 8 of no contact and it’s hard but this was very comforting. Thank you.

@paugarciabcn

4 ай бұрын

Same words man! Not enough connection to move in with me. Wtf? After 3 years of love bombing? Thats just sounds as unresolved trauma.

@magicisreal111

4 ай бұрын

@@paugarciabcn ugh totally! I’m so sorry you went through the same thing. I was so confident in our connection and what I had to bring to the table that I didn’t for one second think he wouldn’t be down to make it more official. I was so surprised when he said that after careful thought he realized he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. This was the most intensely connected relationship I’ve ever had. Our chemistry is insane and we’ve been friends for 15 years. But … he has a lot of unresolved trauma and I’ve done a lot of self help work and he hasn’t.

@paugarciabcn

4 ай бұрын

@@magicisreal111 same here, met his parents and family and was embraced by all of them, but then she got fired, went on a 3 month working holiday, and one day she called to say she no longer had feelings. What a waste, I know someday she will regret it because I gave her everything a woman would want to have from a partner. Support, nurture, protection, fun and great sex. Damn.

@magicisreal111

4 ай бұрын

@@paugarciabcn ugh I’m sorry. That’s so disappointing.

@hannahmiles7089

3 ай бұрын

Red flag. “I love how you make me feel.” Yikes I don’t hear anything about you and your good qualities as a person

Thank you for making this video. I have been toiling with confusion, and on the brink of deep depression, due to being blindsided by an avoidant. Your video gave me the tools to come to the conclusion that I need to make the conscious decision to not allow my self-esteem and sense of self-worth to be impacted by the avoidant person's rollercoaster ride. I realize that their issues are just that...their own issues. It did not originate with me - because I was perfectly fine with myself before I subconsciously (or unconsciously) gave away my power and emotional autonomy to another person. I'm getting off the rollercoaster ride, and I'm going to focus on loving myself and taking better care of myself.

@firestormfoxxx

Ай бұрын

Avoidants will never make you happy .... but the rollercoaster is exciting thats how they keep you attached .... Ive finally let go and it feels great!!! she wants me back but the pattern will repeat again and again .

@zsuzsiwd

17 күн бұрын

@squidy6785 Same. Exactly same, could have written this comment myself 😭

Was losing interest until you brought up journaling. This was a suggestion to me some time ago, and now I'm addicted to writing hundreds of words every morning on a daily basis. It's is extremely effective in unknotting thoughts and extracting wisdom. It has occurred to me that many accomplished intellectuals likely have a daily journaling habit. I feel that it will perpetually lead to an upgraded life.

@sherimarlowe3190

4 ай бұрын

💯

@firestormfoxxx

Ай бұрын

typical avoidant hide in your journal 😂

I am so pissed at people who know what they are but choose to do nothing about it. I’ve spent 3,5 years in therapy and managed to overcome my mostly avoidant attachment style to give that security to my friends and family and romantic connections. I was in such a great place mentally before I met my ex. And over the last 2,5 years he sucked joy and love out of me to then cheat on me with another woman and say he never made any commitments. He even dared to demand to cater to his needs (and he wants full-time care, attention, prioritisation, for me to be there for him whenever he needs to connect or get support) while having zero security and safety in this relationship. I cannot wait to start healing and to never experience that again

They are damaged people and difficult to understand. I am damaged myself.

this is an excellent well explained video. As you have said you're an anxious attachment individual however there are some of us who are secure and are just as confused by a DA' s behavior.

Forgot to mention the immediate rebound

@aristark559

19 күн бұрын

Immediate! like 1-2 weeks after

Space out the emotions to deal with....yup that makes sense. I am an "anxious" or at least veer towards that, and i like to get everything out in the open and deal with it all!!!!.My ex left me 5 times in 3 and a half years!!! Finally left me (after just hours before telling me i was their future!!), four days after my Dad got a cancer diagnosis. My Dad died 2 weeks later, and *still* my ex maintained no contact!!!!! It is so rude and self-centred. I know there's tons of reasons behind it, but it's truly horrendous, and leaves those of us left behind, feeling like death/dying. 😢😢😢

@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel

Ай бұрын

sorry to hear about your dad. regardless of their reasons, it is still no excuse to treat someone who loves you that way. to what degree they are aware of what they are doing or not, they are still aware they are hurting you and playing games. horrible people.

i’m so very thankful for the expansion upon attachment theory content. this video in particular is so healing to hear, and be able to relate to without feeling like a monster

Outstanding. So well articulated,thank you

This was really comprehensive. You covered it all in great detail, thank you for your work.

How about detaching to an appropriate emotional state and come to the conclusion that you are ok and not to personalize the others behavior? Just love like a Stoic. Love but in a witnessing way. Once you know how to be your own best friend and really love yourself you have the room to allow avoidants or any other type of attacher to just be. Know whats realistic for any relationship and manage your own expectations. Understand your own boundary needs.

@healingwithcharlie

4 ай бұрын

Couldn’t have said it better myself 💯

@chaymaderk114

4 ай бұрын

Self healing

@debbiedee109

3 ай бұрын

I wish I could do this, but I have a major internal emotional response to their behaviour that I can't stop or control no matter how hard I try. Avoidants are mentally exhausting.

@robertdeskoski9783

2 ай бұрын

Yeah, that's not being a Stoic. Stoics still feel emotions acutely, they just know what should and shouldn't be focused on/worried about (the Trichotomy of Needs). While they would very much be able to detach *a bit* and try and be as accepting as possible, they would also live according to highest virtue, and hurting oneself and living with unresolved anger is not the Stoic way. Stoics aren't robots = they have needs and desires in life, they just refer to them as 'preferred indifferents'. Doesn't mean they're not important.

This is so spot on it blows my mind

Thank you , this video was super helpful. Went through a situation and seeing this is helping understand but still hurts very much. I have an anxious attachment. The more I sought clarity the further the person pulled away.

Thank you! This was so insightful. I, an anxious, got back together with my DA bf exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 3y before my bf “suddenly” broke up with me. Really turbulent on again off again for the first 2m and then no contact for 4-5m after that. Caught him right at the nostalgia stage ig and now we’re better than ever. Had no idea about attachment styles until recently. Learned a lot about them unknowingly while getting to know my bf. But It’s been quite the battle unpacking the break up. 1st was understanding how he could suddenly end it with out confiding with me and tried to fix it together. I could’ve adjusted if his needs weren’t being met Etc. I realized his suppressing nature and was soon able to get over it. But One of the lingering feelings Ive had even a year later is regarding how he could “move on” and “forget about me” even though I knew (and now confirmed) that he still cared. Ur “move on phase” explanation got me closer to coming to terms with this one so thank you!

Thanks. I hope you all get better. I was with a manipulative avoidant, abs it was very painful. I'm glad you're talking about this.

I was 6 years out with no contact when they reached out. It was such an emotional roller-coaster trying to decide if I even wanted this person in my life. They were asking for us to be friends. All we ever had b/f was a situationship, and we're both now married (to someone else). I've been doing my work, and it was apparent that they had not. For a moment, I thought they were on the narcissism spectrum with the discard, idealization, love bomb, etc. phases, but this video gave me a lot of aha's. I was sad to have to release them again, because although I'm happily married, I care about their well-being. But the hot and cold, mixed signals were making me anxious. I was unable to trust their intentions. I changed my number and have been no contact (again) for over a year. It hurts sometimes, but it feels good to have chosen myself over another toxic cycle. I've taken time to grieve this time around and realized that I too was/am an avoidant, and I was going through these phases you described in this video, which also contributed to the breakdown and the nostalgia for them while being married to someoneelse. Mind blown!! I still have work to do.❤️

@stilpon5378

4 ай бұрын

Thank you

@samsunggalaxytaba3858

4 ай бұрын

Just stfu.. married and still hung up on an ex.. just stop it.😊

@DeaDellaFortuna

3 ай бұрын

Wow! I have to say that there wont be ANY possibility for my ex to contact me after a year! In my case there is a child involved which he is avoiding too, so I will somehow conected to this person for ever, but if he doesnt come back, he wont be able to contact me in person or via phone...dont want to see an Ex after 6 years, lol.

@_byefat

3 ай бұрын

​@DeaDellaFortuna, I get it. People change and grow though. One thing I've learned is to never say never. We weren't in a bad space, and I'm happily married, so I didn't care if he came back. I guess I was curious to hear what he had to say after all that time. He THOUGHT he was coming back to apologize and start a friendship. And apologize he did. It was then I realized God had given me the beautiful gift of closure, because I realized I'd grown to know that I only want emotionally available people in my life, even as a friend. He thought it was a new hello; I KNEW he'd come back to say goodbye.

@kuchiku-kanzo759

2 ай бұрын

The mixed signals are hell to deal with. I just recently deleted her number and all texts. Crazy part I was feeling her like no other. Just had to do it.

All I wanted from him was a genuine apology 😪

@amberswersky1690

Ай бұрын

Me too

@ultravioletcatastrophe

4 күн бұрын

I thought I got a genuine apology from him 7 months after. Soon after that we were talking again, even though he had already "moved on", and again a year from that. Both times he seemed completely oblivious how it might hurt to talk to me and give hints that he might be interested, only to retreat again when I asked for affirmation. I don't think that apology is so genuine anymore, it doesn't seem like he actually regrets the consequences of his actions

😮there is absolutely NO original experience in the WORLD!!! Just spells out my life RIGHT in front of me & doesn’t even know me!!! This was very well expressed & beautifully put together! Thank you for that!!! 😊😊😊

Love your voice! It's very soothing. Just found this channel, very grateful. Fearful avoidant here, after my latest break up, and this is really helpful!

@healingwithcharlie

2 ай бұрын

Glad my channel has been helpful! Hopefully my videos assist you in your healing journey :)

I think The Killers "When You Were Young," pretty much captures the avoidant's facade.

Thank you for this, lightbulb moment in my head about what's going on !

Great video thank you for helping people with their trauma.

@healingwithcharlie

4 ай бұрын

My pleasure! As someone that’s working through their own trauma, I hope to help make it a bit easier for others to navigate

Thank you. This helps me understand what happened between my DA person and me FA. I am the one that separated us after feeling them pull away. That was a year and a half ago. We are now on good terms and talking about what happened. It's a relief to us both that there is no need to demonize one another.

Amazing video. Just what I needed. Thank you so much!

Great video Charlie.

I just hope one day he can open his heart up to someone and truly experience the love they have to give. I hope he learns from our experience and doesnt measure everything with the yardstick of past failed relationships and gives love a chance. I hope he realizes that someone caring for him and loving him is not "moving too fast" and I hope the next time he does not get cold feet when someone brings up committment because getting to experience love with someone is beautiful. I hope he doesn't give up on something that could potentially be so beautiful even before giving it a chance. I'll heal with time. But hopefully, I would also be able to treat this as a learning experience :)

@healingwithcharlie

26 күн бұрын

Thank you for sharing! I hope you’re both able to heal from this :)

You’ve explained this better than anybody else I’ve listened to. I also really like your calm demeanor, which is comforting for such a hurtful topic (I used to be very anxious, but I’m working on it). This is very painful, but I guess you can say that now I’m rationalizing his point of view. I used to be angry, but now I feel sympathetic towards him. 🙏🏾 I hope that he heals, too. This is what we call the twin flame journey in spirituality. Lastly, it’s very helpful that you are both anxious and avoidant because you understand both.

@healingwithcharlie

18 күн бұрын

Thank you! It's great you've reached a neutral and balanced perspective on your situation, I'm glad you're also working on your attachment style. I wish you all the best on your healing journey :)

So much trauma. Nobody deserves this and they didn't deserve what hairbrush that made them like that. Makes me wish I was in Heaven with my sister. No drama or messy relationships there.

@barbaraseidel4342

3 ай бұрын

❤❤❤

@TravelwithJoce

2 ай бұрын

😢😢😢😢

@MangoDiorr

2 ай бұрын

I know exactly how you feel and just know that I’m sending you love to you and your sister. You are strong and I’m glad you’re still here❤️

@zoeyanaqvi-zn7482

2 ай бұрын

❤ God bless you always ! Ameen. Duae'n

@Serenity888Meow

Ай бұрын

I wish I was in Heaven instead of dealing with this as well . Lord please 🙏🏻

What an excellent video! I also want to point out your awesome guitars in the background. 😮!

@healingwithcharlie

4 ай бұрын

Thank you!! 🤘🎸

@yellowpurples832

3 ай бұрын

@healingwithcharlie do you know that my FA ex who dumped me 1 week ago has similar guitar as yours? 🎸 he also love to play a guitar 😢 I miss him, but I'm in a NC rule . Can avoidants ever come back?😢😢😢💔💔💔

@healingwithcharlie

Ай бұрын

They can but many don’t. In the meantime I wouldn’t wait around for it to happen. It’s better to move forward expecting they won’t come back so you can heal sooner, than delaying it by hoping they return

Very good video I’m in no contact right now with my ex avoidant girlfriend. We were together for 10 years. She broke up with me suddenly 4 months ago. She’s 46 and running around town with all sorts of guys loving being single I guess. I pleaded with her for the first four months, but I’ve had it.

@sheliasmith2884

4 ай бұрын

Right and you do get tired of them.

There are definitely variables that'll affect this. How avoidant they are and if they broke up with you or vice versa. I'm FA, and my husband is DA. I broke up with him two times during the first two years. He tried to accept it but came back. Agreed to therapy, etc. Which helped us both. We're doing better than I believed we could. When an avoidant ex broke up with me, though, he moved out while I was at work. He'd reach out randomly after but never wanted the relationship again.

@healingwithcharlie

4 ай бұрын

Agreed! Attachment styles and how they handle breakups or no contact is very fluid. Variables like the length of the relationship, why the breakup happened, and who initiated it all play a role in it. Thank you for sharing your experience!

Oh wow!!! Thank you its very very helpful!!!

Really appreciate this, thank you

SO good! Thank you for the awesome insights. Easier to understand my ex now. ✨✨✨ Healing for both of us. Everyone has things to work on. I want to support him and we’ve had a good “conscious uncoupling” process.

@healingwithcharlie

29 күн бұрын

I’m glad you both had an amicable process. It’s also great that you want to support him. I hope you’ll both find a way to support each other again

Honestly, no one needs to understand an avoidant or an anxious type. If they don't heal their shit, they are not part of my life. Their loss, actually, end of story. This mi mi mi...I don't know why, how and bla bla bla...I cannot listen to this anymore. Get over yourself and grow up! You are wasting not just the lifes of everyone around you but your own particularily.

@UltraGalacticSuperFantastic

2 ай бұрын

You're right, it's very draining and reminds me of taking care of teenagers

@morganjones2744

5 күн бұрын

highly disagree. i find it so important to understand. my mother has an anxious attachment style and I have an avoidant one. This has created conflict between us. I have done a lot of healing through stable family members and friends over the years, but my mother still struggles a lot and I want to better understand her and also understand myself better so I can heal even further for the people I care about. But, I do understand where you are coming from; going through tough times with people who really do not deserve a second chance or any of your consideration is incredibly valid. Some people don't deserve to be understood, and its you that deserves that time and space to grow away from that and heal from the past by distancing yourself from that experience. It is weird to say that it isn't somehow 'adult' to try understanding others... I personally would say its the other way around. But you do you.

@ItalianoWithJodina

22 сағат бұрын

@@UltraGalacticSuperFantastic Avoidants are essentialaly very emitionally immature.

Thanks for the video, this helps me understand my situation so much.

@healingwithcharlie

2 ай бұрын

Amazing! I hope my videos will continue to help you learn more along the way :)

Thank you so much for making this video. I have an anxious attachment style but I am working on healing from all this and am in therapy. I recently was in a relationship with someone who I just realized has avoidant attachment style which explains his behavior. We are in the no contact phase. If he does come back again like he has the other times I will tell him that he has to go to therapy and heal from his trauma that is causing his avoidant attachment before we can be together again.

Charlie I appreciate you explaining this; I'm also an anxious-avoidant. My childhood plays a heavy influence in being an avoidant, I couldn't feel my feels and if I showed emotion that showed weakness.

Thanks for the video! Much appreciated

This is incredible. This is seriously happening

I was your 1,000th like you the man 👍

Now at the other end of our relationship and feeling 'tossed' away and the pain being exacerbated by no care behaviour / no contact. I'm glad this video found me as I am trying so hard to be strong, accepting no contact. My aim is to genuinely hope his future is bright and to know mine is. He has done me a favour with his no contact. The 'deceit' that went beforehand and settling himself up for when he was ready to move on is harder to accept. Also the knowledge that he will share a narrative to his people that will put me solely to blame. Yet my reactive behaviours were triggered by instincts that I now know we're spot on. I feel both sad and angry that adult conversations would have avoided the issues even developing. I feel cheated out of a future that had so much potential by behaviours we both developed from abuse or neglect by others in our past.

@margaretschmidt4283

29 күн бұрын

It’s so sad knowing that if they’d been equal participants in the relationship who were willing to communicate you could have fixed some of your issues in a half hour. I know it’s maddening. Stay strong

You are good man! Keep it up!

Great video

Thanks for your perspective on this matter. Would love to hear your thoughts around whether avoidants keep their ex-partners as “options” in case their future relationships don’t work out the way the intended and they keep their partners as friends to act as “safety nets”?

Very well explained

Thank you for this 🙏🏼

I’m dating an avoidant but I have to say I am not an attacher. I have warned time and time again the negative distant behaviors with my DA and I have to say our relationship has been pretty amazing - he’s on vacation and the breadcrumbing texts and no calls has allowed me to know my worth and just go no contact. So this is going to probably make his head spin and the only way he will see the reality of this situation is when we are suppose to connect when he comes back. Telling him to his face that he can go kick rocks will be difficult but necessary. I’m so over these behaviors and being tough as nails makes it easy for this door to close.

Wow...hit me like a brick. I'm an avoidant. Brought up that children are seen but not heard. Spent 28 years with a narcissist and after a breakdown decided to leave everything...him, kids, house, pets....the lot. History repeats and I've left my partner of 15 years. We never lived together so easy to just avoid, block, denial. And I went through the phases. Still going g through it. I've joined clubs, groups, tried online dating...disastrous!! And I spend a lot of time with my pet rats. It's really hard...I have reached out to him again because I love him. But I know it won't work and just makes him feel crappy. 😢

Thank you so much for your transparency. I want to Love my Avoidant this will greatly help me understand him❤ will you please do a video on Avodiant VS Narcissism?

Avoidants are weak. All my exes who have been avoidant admit their weakness to face tough things. Anxious avoidant are some of the toughest human beings to exist.

@healingwithcharlie

26 күн бұрын

Interesting way to put it! I've never thought of it this way before. How are anxious avoidant some of the toughest to exist?

@josephl6289

25 күн бұрын

@@healingwithcharlie They have not developed the avoidance coping mechanisms that make compartmentalizing so easy, chunking up stress and practicing escapism to minimize the pain. Anxious types rather face it all at once, learning simply to bear the extreme weight of suffering while continuing the live their lives as best they can. Avoidants are like alcoholics who numb their pain, anxious types are like boxers who get in the ring knowing what they are in for. I'm not saying avoidants dont feel pain, or have some capacity for courage and strength, it's just that their coping style is fundamentally weak. Though note, I haven't said which is a more intelligent strategy... I admire avoidants ability to split things in that regard, but their cowardice far outshines that to me.

Wow. On point 👌🏻 💯 accurate

thank you for this video❤

If I'd known this at the start of our relationship it would have helped me make sense of some of his behaviours that caused a lot of issues as I then interpreted them as something else.

Spot on!! Best explanation yet! So True....he doesn't seem to want to change....he thinks/believes ....that is who he is... Denial of healing himself!! Yes when ever he got scared... he would run back to an ex/friend/Denial/Dismiss ME!!....he knew this killed me....yet this continued....then, as u said....circle back to me!! EXCRUCIATING!!! ive stopped replying to any contact....but seems no problem for him😢 I cant do it anymore...as much as i may want to & want him....yes ive lost myself😢 AP

@derrick.crawford1005

3 ай бұрын

I’m sure he feels the loss

Dating a BPD, she is an avoidant, it is complete destruction. No contact works well. I am no longer receiving her punishment, I dish it out now.

I am grateful there is all this knowledge out there. I think I had a phase in my life when I was an avoidant because I had two completely different parental figures. My mom was the anxious type and my dad the avoidant. In the relationship we just terminated (she first brought it up in November but then I did the typical anxious thing that obviously I didn't know then was an anxious thing to do: kill myself to get them back willing to change everything to meet their needs. Eventually realized I was slowly killing myself mentally and physically so we ended things on good terms.)I was definitely the anxious one and for me it is progress because it means I decided to finally open my heart. I know I still have to work on some insecurities and traumas, from childhood and previous relationships to become more secure but I know I am on the right path now. Also, I feel compassion for the avoidant thanks to all the knowledge I have found. At least, this person I just broke up with. It's as if I can differentiate the person she truly is when she opens her heart because at first she did and I have seen all the beauty she can give to deactivate herself to protect herself from unaddressed traumas. I will just make sure I never jeopardize my emotional and mental health to keep someone in my life who doesn't seem to be willing to work on their issues. Also thanks for the no contact journal, we had a "closure" yesterday with this person so I am sure it is gonna help working through my own closure. Thanks Charlie! All the love. All the power.

@elvirarahic3380

2 ай бұрын

Thats true. Our mental health is far more important, we cant fix others nor shouod we. Its just another life lesson.

@alok282

Ай бұрын

This is so beautifully put. I can totally relate as an anxious attacher myself, as I broke up with my avoidant partner after a 12 year long relationship, where I saw her pulling away and it looked like she was breaking up with me. I also tried to harm myself twice, not to bring her back but because of my mental state. And although the last 1-2 years were hot and cold, when the avoidants do open up or show their affection, is a thing of a beauty. I wish she could do that consistently. But I think they have their own demaons to fight. But evenetually my mental health was more paramount than the relationship. I wish I had known about the attachment styles before the breakup and I would have tried understanding her. But I will use this time to heal now and be more emotionally mature!

It takes me a while to fully detach, but when I do, it’s a done deal. Im tired of putting my compromising my self respect for someone who doesn’t even respect me. I’ve been so supportive of him and gave him all the love I had to give. He's done several things that are considered deal breakers for me like calling me out of my name, hanging up on me, screaming at me, and his immature ways. He never holds himself accountable and blames other people for his actions by saying it is just a reaction from what I did. I think he’s a narcissist that has serious mental issues and I’m not dealing with it anymore. It’s time to move on and find the love and respect that I deserve ❤️ we all deserve that and I hope everyone in the comments finds that.

I think this was interesting perspective in looking at how the other may be doing. I’m a moving on type of person. I don’t think life should be wasted in that. Life is to short.

I’m still living with an avoidant and he’s with someone else now. This is truly difficult and I’m glad we are parting ways in a few months

@healingwithcharlie

3 ай бұрын

I wish you luck! Living with an ex while they’re seeing someone new is never easy. Hope you have find a new setting soon :)

@lanacarter2715

3 ай бұрын

Thank you so much I appreciate that

Damn, this genuinely made me have a bit of a panic response because it really describes my ex and I's breakup well, but it's a much needed realization!! I'm an anxious attachment type person, and he was avoidant. Thank you for talking about this, I think it's definitely given me an insight into a person I do still care deeply about and love, but felt hurt and blindsided when he initiated the breakup. I still haven't moved on entirely, it's been three weeks as of tomorrow... But each day I understand more why he did it, and why it was what was best! As much as it hurts, if he isn't choosing me right now, he can't be The One. All I can do is keep on keeping on until either we become friends again, grow apart entirely, or MAYBE rekindle something... But I will try my best to heal in the meantime ❤

@healingwithcharlie

17 күн бұрын

Thank you for sharing this! I wish you all the best on your healing journey and no matter what ends up happening, I hope you're happy in the end :)

This is so incredibly accurate and exactly what I'm going through at the moment. But the question is this: can an avoidant and an anxious attachment type ever be happy in a relationship?

@nuriacappilli579

3 ай бұрын

they both need to be open to work on themselves and get more secure

@Coconutshavebadhair

3 ай бұрын

If you like drama yes!

Here I thought it was a Libra thing . I've never heard or the term "anxious attachers" Wow!! Something im going to bring up in therapy..

@christinacatalano

3 ай бұрын

Libras, always 😂

@Tadjuel11-11

3 ай бұрын

​@@christinacatalanoLibra here! Hi! 😄👋

@jenniferburton7044

2 ай бұрын

A Libra thing? You’ve got to be joking

@pastsubstance2930

Ай бұрын

People actually believe in zodiac signs? I thought that was just a conversation starter lol

@RACHELLEflo

Ай бұрын

@@jenniferburton7044 Libra male??? Defensive??? I touched a nerve?

I always wonder why we are so hard on each other as people? We know we say things when we’re mad and we know we all feel pain, but we mask it thinking there’s something better or judge others by what we ourselves have been in same position.

sick guitars bro

i just realized i was a creature comfort for a girl who used me to forgot her ex🤣 funny that i caught feelingns for her

@yellowpurples832

3 ай бұрын

I think I realized from this video that I became a creature comfort as well. 😢💔😭 Just couldn't believe he gave up on us and ghosted me out of the for a week now. There's no apology or even remorse of what happened 😢😢😢

Glad I'm not the only one going through this. Thanks for the comments

Oh my god, I am an avoidant and never realised it. I seek out creature comforts in journaling or being with my friends, partying, seeking out hobbies, and never actively understood that I take time to process my emotions. Especially after being in relationships with anxious people and some with avoidant tendencies it can become a bit of a blurr... I came here for advice on a potential other person leaning avoidant, but the more I learn about it, the more I feel as if it is me and this other person as well O_O I was always under the impression that you would not be avoidant if you can reflect and be self aware but now I see that that is definitely the case 😤

Insightful

I am so mad at myself. I know deep down I was content with being done and just kept investigating things that only hurt myself. Self sabotaging.

Thank you Charlie for this video. I’m going through a really hard time with my ex who started cheating on me when my grandmother was in the hospital and ultimately died. He slept with another woman the day she died actually and I had no idea. Then two months after this, he just disappeared. I moved to a new city to be closer to my grandmother and that is where he met the other woman, who was in a committed relationship herself. I tried for months to reach out to him but he was not returning my calls or giving me the time of day (this was me thinking we were still together) until the other woman called me and told me the truth. Now I feel like the loser because I had no idea, I really trusted him and now he’s off having fun with someone new and I have egg on my face. The pain is truly unbearable and I hope one day I will be able to breathe again and face the world. I am so embarrassed and humiliated that I have buried myself into work and not interacting with anyone. However, I wish the best for him and I hope one day I can smile again and maybe try dating again in the future.

@healingwithcharlie

8 күн бұрын

I'm sorry to hear that! I went through a difficult time with someone shortly after my grandmother passed away so I can relate. It's certainly unfair to go through but I'm glad you're able to look at things rationally despite the circumstances. I hope you both can grow and heal during this time, and possibly come back together in the future to try again on healthier terms :)

Writing all teh time was actually a conflict between me and my avoidant ex. he was so busy writing and talking about it, that i got angry. he has a family with children and should care more for them... well, he decided to chose the writing...as far as I understood, he now games a lot... well, now I can understand his behaviuor much better, however, I always told him to go to therapy, but he didnt listen....

I had experienced this one and I would have forgiven it but the guy who did it to me, knew I was in a VERY abusive relationship and stopped dating for 7 years and I told him, told him am scared and I don't want to get hurt, but he still played me and toyed with my emotions, and went from you are my medicine to radio silent, I hate that guy with all of my heart.I don't love him, but I wish he go through the same pain he put me through.