I have to say, the "waste" is real, as we watch most around us enjoying fulfilling normal lives, and many of us sustained huge losses and lived without love like Romanian orphans and were emotionally starved if not abused. Worse, most of us have to keep the abuse to ourselves, as victims who "come out" ironically do get attacked. However, we can't go back in time, and the adage "today is the first day of the rest of your life" is correct. Thank you for such an encouraging video. We all have to make up for lost time. Unfortunately for many of us, it is too late to pursue a genuine relationship and we might have to live as a single. However, it is better to live alone than with someone who is unable to love and will never love, who sees you either as an idiotic sheep (sociopath) or worthless trash (narcissist). Spending our days in pursuit of our other passions, reading, writing, designing, doing constructive projects, caring for others, is enough as we shape our souls for the moment of truth when we leave this earth.

@patiencebowers8380

Жыл бұрын

I've realized that's why I hate Facebook so much. Its couples having dinners out, going places happy to be together. I don't have that. I'll never have that with my husband. Just looking forward to day I can buy my way out from under his cloud of anger and percieved victimhood. But I'm doing better of being my own umbrella for when he rains his misery down.

@levelintent

Жыл бұрын

"most of us have to keep the abuse to ourselves" yep. very true for me. my narcissistic abuse was emotional, so since there are no physical scars my abusers gaslight me and tell me none of it's real. one thing I also learned is that therapists can gaslight you too. I made the horrendous choice of bringing my narcissistic abusers into therapy sessions and my therapist sided with them and made me out to be the enemy and only made sure that I heard their voice but she did not make sure that my voice was heard by them. I didn't realize it at the time unfortunately, so I would give in, believe my therapist, and see my abusers as the victims... so yes, coming out of narcissistic abuse is really tough but it's a blessing when you finally see the light and you're able to be free.

@357mars1

Жыл бұрын

This is so well said. This is my experience. At least I know that by realizing the truth of what happened, I have more power to deal with it.

@ly5142

Жыл бұрын

@@patiencebowers8380 I understand that pang that you described, yet when I see happy couples, it's proof that Love is real, it exists, and unfortunately, it's the nature of the world that there are empty, soulless types and we fell victim. If it's not too late for you do give yourself a second chance. If I had been taught boundaries instead of acceptance, life might have panned out differently. All my life most around me kept urging me to accept the unacceptable, my biggest mistake was ignoring red flags and not giving myself more time to explore and widen my social circles so I could have met a bigger, more normal pool. Upon reflection, it's quite a high % of population with disorders, each of them tearing through plenty of relationships, so not surprisingly we got ensnared.

@maryroot2599

Жыл бұрын

Brilliant 👏 exactly 💯

"A narcissistic relationship is a masterclass on instinct." Well said! 🙌🏼

@angelica6560

Жыл бұрын

💯💯💯

@Bestisyet2Be

Жыл бұрын

Indeed!!!

@AAXS-op1vo

Жыл бұрын

Yes indeed! My instincts were always spot on . . . I just ignored them because I wanted to believe in and believe better of the narc. My bad. Two decades of struggle and an epic discard has been a brutal but highly clarifying and effective teacher. I realize now that the discard came as I myself - internally - was moving away from the battlefield, exhausted from it all. The gig, and supply, was up and they knew it. In the end, so did I.

@Pdrock2001

Жыл бұрын

Yes my instincts are like if flash had instincts I see things before 3 or 5 steps before anyone can see them . I avoid conflict better then anyone around me .

@blessedqueen555

Жыл бұрын

💯

I feel like I was in jail for something I didn’t know I had done. For most of it, I didn’t even understand the limits and restrictions I was living under. I will keep working on my recovery, but it’s slow going. Best wishes to all survivors here.

@angelaeastwood3938

Жыл бұрын

I agree with you on that comment.... sorry for the long explanation why here .? ......... I felt like I was made to feel like I was the worst of the worst of a human being to get what I got from my husband. That I was so terrible and awful. Person . that I deserved it . But in fact I wasn't neither. He was the monster ... he just was horrible in gaslighting me. And everything esle Into thinking I was . You do go over and think was I that bad to have bad treatment like that. And no I wasn't .I just wanted simple things. To feel loved and be respected. He made me feel if I was asking to much that I wanted these things . From the marriage. I even started to question myself. Maybe I was asking to much . 35 years and with children and a grandchild I think how did I get here feeling the way I do . Its hard to muddle through and digest everything that you went through and yearned that you wanted it to be so different from that relationship but you never got it . But you keep pursuing it to maintain it that way because they make you feel guilty. That you don't want to be a failure that you didn't try and help them .fix their troubled life. You take all that on. Never thinking twice because you love them and want to help and make a difference. That you can be all those things that they never had .That's how I felt . When I took on his life . Because you are that Good person what they have taken advantage of. I just feel used now . And never felt good enough only just here for his own purpose and use to make him feel a whole person and his needs met . You do undoubtedly get lost in it all. Never realising that you are with someone like that. It's there but you don't want to believe its happening to you somehow you gloss it over. Pretty it up . Keep trying that's what these relationships do to you . I feel like a fool . This is my life I've lived it . that part I still struggle with. 😔

@peggycearnach8034

Жыл бұрын

@@angelaeastwood3938 Yes exactly, I feel so foolish for allowing this. But I’ve done what I’ve done, so here I am nearly sixty just starting to become educated and learning to recover. I’ve been studying cluster b’s few a few years now and it’s a slow and steady process. He’s been gone for over two years and I finally sold the house a couple of months ago, now I’m able to think about what I want. Watching Dr Ramani has been a huge help, radical acceptance and forgiving myself for not understanding how duplicitous people can be. I know now that I was groomed and trauma bonded slowly like a frog in a pot. I wish you well on your journey, I tell myself - it’s not over yet 💗

@angelaeastwood3938

Жыл бұрын

@@peggycearnach8034 yes it it difficult I agree . Thank you for your kind words. 🙏 Just by reaching out to one another on this channel .can be some sort of comfort and relief to know that We are all going on this same emotional journey together and we are not alone with what we have gone through and survived from ..... Best wishes on your journey of inner strength. And peace. ❤

@jackgross6133

Жыл бұрын

Wow, your first sentence was powerful,...I felt like that too, in the beginning tried to make amends for something I felt I had done against my narc that I knew I hadn't done,...

@peggycearnach8034

Жыл бұрын

@@jackgross6133 you didn’t commit anything to warrant such systemic punishment, they were probably using us as a proxy to repay whatever parent harmed them. I’m glad some of us are able to wake up from the nightmare and get out in one piece.

Dr Ramani, your hard life with narcissistic person turned you into the sun. Giving so much light and warmth to us . Thank you so much ❤️

@jannlewandowski5540

Жыл бұрын

AMEN TO THAT!!

@janelllove8329

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for posting that. As I age and listen to all the coaches who say we wasted our life, I needed to know we didn’t. We were just coping with what we faced in life and it happened to be a narcissist. ❤️

@lisap3344

Жыл бұрын

That’s beautiful

@RedheadedWritinghood

Жыл бұрын

That's so true and a beautiful analogy! 🌹 Red

I was a suicidal mess for over 10 years. I can say those were wasted years of my life, but I wouldnt be who I am now if I hadnt lived through it. And I love who I am and the life I live now.

@marieborchardt2910

Жыл бұрын

I'm almost thankful for the most malignant narcissist in my past who shook me up so badly, I finally opened my eyes to the abuse I'd endured from her and a few others. And I educated myself with much help from Dr. Ramini and a few other good sources. I'm not totally narcissist free, but it sure helps to see the truth and stop the self blame.

@aliceroberts1980

Жыл бұрын

Me too and the narcissist said he saved my life !!!! Unreal

@ProfessorNorris1

Жыл бұрын

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

@ProfessorNorris1

Жыл бұрын

@@marieborchardt2910 when you said-your most malignant narcissist, that gives me how to define part of my life. The truth is I have been around narcissists for most of my life but it took the most malignant narcissist person I was with to expose narcissism to me. And because it was most of my life it’s taking a moment for me layers of abuse to peel off and for me to peel off.

@ProfessorNorris1

Жыл бұрын

❤

Dearest Dr. Ramani.... Was in a narcissistic relationship for 33 years. You had a BIG BIG hand in saving and helping me. I can't possibly thank you enough ❤️

@triplekids3

Жыл бұрын

Me too! 33 years free 22 months! Peace, and freedom is priceless!!!

@Dustandfuzz

Жыл бұрын

@@triplekids3 30 years, ugh! You can try your whole life and nothing changes. I’m free now.

@donnawoodford6641

Жыл бұрын

Essentially free after 41 years of marriage. Most of my time now is spent doing what I want, without interference. All Narc survivors deserve to heal from the abuse, and to receive the good that is theirs to have.☀️

@horselady4375

Жыл бұрын

I had no support my family was gone.it was so hard and sad but we M made it .

@mgb7140

Жыл бұрын

32 years and in my 60s. We know how much time is gone. But even if we only are free for one year, that is one year of freedom. I would not have been this strong if I had not been in these relationships. Dr. Ramini made an amazing impact in my life too.

My parents were narcissists and when I left home, I ended up in a 15 year relationship with a violent & abusive narcissist. On paper, it looks like such a waste of life as I ended up extremely mentally unwell from PTSD as a result of the abuse. However, it’s given me an understanding of what’s really important to me. While I see people running around, wanting material items, flashy holidays, putting pressure on their kids to be ‘perfect’, wasting time on relationships because you’re supposed to be in one. The narcissistic relationships have shown me I value *calm*, safety, softness, compassion and empathy. That’s why I love this channel because Dr. Ramani is the epitome of all of those values.

@RedheadedWritinghood

Жыл бұрын

Yes Amen!

@kimgreerpuchek1140

Жыл бұрын

Choosing myself was the first thing that got me to see what was no longer acceptable to me. I’m in the very early stages of getting my divorce team picked out. I’m 69 and I never thought I would choose divorcing him. Involving law enforcement for my protection opened my eyes to what I needed in my life. I value myself more than pretending normal. I’m being direct and not walking around questions about my STBX not being in the house. He wants communication from me. How laughable is that? He isn’t willing to follow through with being honest after he agreed to the conditions that he signed off on before he returned home during a 3 weeks stay in a sex addiction treatment center that cost $25,000 bucks. The conditions weren’t met and they were what the treatment center was requiring for him, so I wasn’t the one that had these requirements. My one requirement was no recreational self numbing things including alcohol and tobacco. After 90 days from returning, he chose to drink with his horseshoes buddies. This was hidden from me. I found out because he had left two empty alcohol boxes in the garage refrigerator. I don’t believe he has the capacity to be able to be honest. I’m supposed to be hearing another full disclosure after 2 previous full disclosures. I know more than I want to know at this point. Why do I need to listen to my stinky garbage coming from his mouth? He can chew on it now. I’m not going to devalue myself anymore by giving him another chance to unload his stinky garbage. Sadly, neighbors have allowed him to park a tiny pickup truck camper in their yard. I guess going into a deeper pit of addictions wasn’t deep enough for him to be honest with me. The neighbors aren’t doing him a favor.

@ly5142

Жыл бұрын

It's after surviving being tossed around in a tornado that one appreciates the beauty of something as simple as an ordinary day.

I’m older and spent over 17 years with a paranoid, malignant narcissist. Yes, it’s a waste, usually of your best years. It affects you for the rest of your life on so many levels. It affects your children, extended family, friendships, professional goals, etc. And in old age, you have nightmares, regrets, bitter/awful memories...not something you want to have haunt you on an emotional level as your body is also aging and failing.

I'm 33 and believe I gained life from exiting a narcissistic relationship. Its bad when it's a parent and you realize they only had their own interest in mind.

@iKIDFrezh

Жыл бұрын

its cold cruelty, I'm devastated and dumbfounded.

@BillyBob-lf9ti

7 ай бұрын

The realization that to our narc parents we are just a prop or pawn is truly devastating...they never loved us ...they're incapable of it

After 20+ years (andI married mine twice🤦🏼‍♀️) I literally left mine this morning. Thank you.❤️

@lesleyblackner2323

Жыл бұрын

Stay strong. Don't go back.

@violetmoon6233

Жыл бұрын

Your so brave . May you have a peaceful & supported life 🦋🌻✨💚🙏

@lowellweeks1448

Жыл бұрын

I married mine twice too! I'm finally free and have been for 11 years now. Yes, stay strong and don't go back.

@ly5142

Жыл бұрын

Well done! Congratulations, you're on your way to recovery.

@rkbllc

Жыл бұрын

Get a PO Box - an unlisted phone number - don't disclose your address to anyone.

I just want to send compassion to anyone who feels they wasted their life in a narcissistic situation. Sometimes I feel this way a bit, but I've still got my 40s, 50s, 60s, maybe even 70s, to look forward to, to accomplish things, to have peace and joy, and maybe to find love again. I've had two career opportunities destroyed, an educational opportunity destroyed, fake love, humiliation, etc, but there's still a chance it can all get better. "You get to spend the rest of your life seeing the world more clearly" That's the silver lining of all the dark clouds of narcissism. Love and compassion to anyone who feels their time was wasted, I wish that you spend the rest of your time doing everything that makes you happy.

@gloriawhitford7850

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing. I feel I have to get out of my situation 24 years of marriage to a narcissist. Good luck to you!

@bobbarth801

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for caring!

This is exactly where I’m at currently. After 38 yrs of his drama/lies/and multiple affairs I’m questioning myself. We’re divorced now and I’m working on forgiving myself while focusing on my life. Focusing on my strengths and happiness.

As Sara Teasdale wrote: “To turn the lifeless wine of grief…. to living gold.”

That is so true. Nothing is waste. Every experience, especially the bad ones, lead to a greater destination.

@patriceroach6373

Жыл бұрын

Yes they do! They teach you love kindness to incorporate healthy relationships and boundaries they turn up the heat on what's broken in you that needs to be heal! They run u to God! Because he is the only one who can save you from this nightmare they teach you how to be the total opposite of who they are!!! It's a learning dynamic we can learn alot from the Narrassist and the Sociopaths they don't change but you can and you will but first u have to see it differently!

@patriceroach6373

Жыл бұрын

U got this! There is alot to learn from these toxic people they run us to God and they point you to go and love yourself and never allow anyone to treat u poorly again they shake u down to your core unearthing what's inside of you that needs to be addressed and healed mines lead me to shadow work grief anger hurt and pain emotional pain trauma having healthy boundaries love for myself! He unearthed alot if my unresolved issues from my childhood my abandonment issue was the biggest one I'm whole now!!!!! SOMETIMES I wonder how did I survive well it was God!!!

In my case, I felt my younger years were robbed in many ways. Yes I’m starting over again in my 60s which is rather difficult because now I see what really should have went on. You tend to mourn the loss of the normal life you should have had.

@beverlywilson3752

Жыл бұрын

Such a critical message! Thank you Dr Ramani ❤️🙏 Married 45 years to a narcissist who died in a helicopter crash with his secret other woman for 8 years- learned about the affair after his death! The truth always comes out. 11 months into the shock and grief, but what stops me from regretting all the years are my beautiful daughters. We were good parents.. a team. I have a long way to go but certainly I can say despite all his lying, I was living a life. Just one with a lot of anxiety, lack of love, and never feeling entirely safe. Just had no overt evidence!

@lulabell79_31

Жыл бұрын

@@beverlywilson3752 wow! A difficult pill to swallow when you find out you've been cheated on for years. I have been married to a neglectfully narcissistic serial cheater for 23 years! Still here, still feel stuck. Why can't karma take care of all of these evil pricks in such a beautiful way! Lucky you! That should be motivation in itself to make smile ear to ear, every single day!!!

@jannlewandowski5540

Жыл бұрын

I totally agree with you. I spent the BEST years of my life with him. My 30's..I'm 11 years out and I'm happy to be away from him, yet sad to what might have been in those years if the guy I was engaged to were only NORMAL! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

@Lmzip2

Жыл бұрын

@@jannlewandowski5540 - Thank you. My mission now is to enjoy life like I never had it before. I don’t know if I’ll ever get into another relationship, but I have guy pals and girl pals which is great. I have reconnected with some of my old friends and former coworker friends too. Everyone says how much better I look and feel. It’s true, when the burden comes off you become whole again. Do I wish it happened sooner?, oh heck yes. The narcissist was not worth sticking with. Anyone on the edge of the fence reading this please take my advice…the sooner you get away, the sooner things get better for the long run.

@helenduffy6642

Жыл бұрын

I feel exactly the same way. You keep thinking it's something you have done. I'm now making up for lost time going out for coffees or lunches going visiting. Doing things I enjoy.

Dr. Ramani, the day I discovered you on KZread was a profound blessing! Your wisdom has helped me move from oppression to freedom... thank you for all that you do!

@barbaraf9948

Жыл бұрын

Tears of joy for how profoundly grateful and blessed I feel for your beautiful personality and sincere way you share that.

Bless you, Dr. Ramani. This is spot on and a great reminder for me. After 20 years with a narc I finally had enough but the divorce process was so painful I drank myself to oblivion. Not saying he is why I'm an alcoholic but the pain of realizing that I was never loved, cared for, or touched with true emotion, was so mind-blowing I self-medicated. It's all behind me now and I hold the power of knowledge to help me understand, forgive and move on. Five years sober and my life is absolutely beautiful.

@debralittle1341

Жыл бұрын

Congratulations! So proud of you 💕

@diannalamantia1702

Жыл бұрын

I did the same on more than a few occasions. It is a pain and sadness more profound than I ever imagined. Breaking through is amazing. I had my first tear-free Fourth of July in years, and I count that as a great success. So small and simple. Every holiday, birthday, joyful moment are precious treasures now. God bless.

@sandrabennett1289

Жыл бұрын

Well done you x I did start to drink but then I thought after giving him 37 years of my life and at 53 I thought know he ain’t taking the rest of my life , so I live a clean and stress free beautiful life x god bless you and enjoy you life to the max xx

I felt like I wasted 20 years of my life on two relationships that were very flawed (the dads of my two kids). The first had severe mental health problems he didn't deal with constructively, the second was an abusive narcissist. I don't ever want to be in another relationship again as long as I live, which breaks my heart.

@thereallisa1

Жыл бұрын

Same here

@rebeccaf8915

Жыл бұрын

Same

@delsings

Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad you survived them both.

@flowingindian3947

Жыл бұрын

I can understand you, feels like whole life wasted and deceived

@NightMystique13

Жыл бұрын

I lost 7 years to my narc, but he tormented me until our youngest turned 18. An additional 13 years of financial and legal abuse, and mental torture.

I’ve been needing this topic. It is my main struggle at 60 years old after a 28 year marriage. I realize I’m in the fourth quarter of my life. I don’t want sorrow to be the main component.

@oscarwilliamson6163

Жыл бұрын

Do Overs by Donna,You don't need a narcissist in your life....

There is of course HUGE waste in narc relationships, and allowing ourselves to truly feel that can be a catalyst for finally detaching and giving ourselves permission to embrace OUR needs, goals, and happiness. But it's empowering to recognize that despite all they did to squash us, we were still learning, growing, and living -- like flowers pushing up through concrete!😃🌱🌷🌿🌻❤

When I was seventeen years old, I had to read “Heart of Darkness” by Joseph Conrad for school. I was the only person in my school who enjoyed the book. Everybody else thought I was strange for liking it… This book is still very important to me… Now I realize more and more that my life relates to this story and it’s themes of invisibility amongst society and viewing material ambitions as selfish and destructive pursuits. All the years of emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse I endured from family, friends, and partners still make this story speak to me. I still ask myself “if only…” but I’m glad to have my perception and insight of life.

@theforensicbadass

Жыл бұрын

I totally relate to you. Virtue n morals have always trumped money n selfishness. If that made me invisible to wolves in sheep clothing, it's made me happier n so much smarter now to know I'll never lower my values n standards or my worth to selfish empty people. Hugs n thanks 4 sharing.

@suzanneadamson1306

Жыл бұрын

I'm going to re-read this book! TY!

@happybergner9832

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing a recommendation of this book. Have you also read, Of Human Bondage," by M Somerset Maughm?

@ly5142

Жыл бұрын

You might enjoy the blog "sociopath world" or read confessions of sociopaths to understand what it is like to be without a conscience.

@happybergner9832

Жыл бұрын

@@ly5142 thank you, and yes it would be fascinating. Have you ever read The Mask of Sanity? It was published in the early 1050s and is so accurate for a really early description of a psychopath (,vs sociopath )

This is such an important aspect of being around these people. I used to attract narcissists like flies because my mother is a narcissist and it was the air I breathed. Boyfriends, friends, etc. But I married a very good man and was with him for forty three years. He did have a few narcissistic traits, but they were minor. However, for decades I beat myself half to death over a 2 year relationship I'd had with a narcissist in my 20's and often kicked myself when I;d realize a new friend was just the same girl in a different dress., the same personality type I'd met hundreds of times before. The good news? I learned as I went along and slowly got rid of the narcissists in my life. I can now spot one at fifty paces and they don't get past the gate. I also learned that my own perfectionism was what made me feel so awful about these past relationships. I was a bad person for making mistakes in judgement! Eventually, I realized that I am allowed to make mistakes and it's not a commentary on my value as a human. I'm almost seventy and all my relationships are healthy and rewarding ones. ALSO..we are far more than our narcissistic relationships.

@lulabell79_31

Жыл бұрын

Somehow I replied to my daughter's text on your comment. I deleted it. Just wanted to say your strength and wisdom is admirable. Happy to hear you have found peace.

@aliceeubanks-badosky2877

Жыл бұрын

Ditto! I'm 62 and just made a list of my accomplishments despite the many narcissists in my life. I was literally floored. For a minute I felt like Superwoman! One more narc to go and I'll be free. It truly is never to late to get it right! Thank you Dr. Ramani

@ly5142

Жыл бұрын

Wow, would love to hear more about spotting red flags at 50 paces.

I wasted 65 years with a covert narc mother. She groomed me from a very young age to be her little buddy, starting by using me as a therapist to listen to her traumatic stories over and over again of her violent marriage to a man she was married to before I was born. I was way too young to be listening to stuff like that, but that didn't matter to her; I was the only one of her 3 children who had much empathy. She told me the whole time I was growing up that she had to come first. She allowed my much older half-siblings to abuse me because "they were here first." When I was about 9 years old, she got involved with her married boss who was never going to marry her and she also developed a drinking problem during that time. That relationship dragged on for about 20 years; she told me once that when she was seeing him, she didn't even know I was alive. I spent most of my childhood crying myself to sleep, praying that somehow someone might rescue me and get me out of here. No one came. I developed depression in childhood to the point of disability at age 24 (triggered by a heated argument with my mother, I snapped), and then I was stuck in that house with her until just recently when she passed away at the age of 97 because disability didn't give me enough money to live on my own. I am now 65. The last 20 years or so, I was basically her servant, which allowed her to keep living at home instead of going to assisted living or a nursing home. She was deaf, legally blind, incontinent, had to use a walker, and had Alzheimer's (yes, Dr. Ramani is correct: Alzheimer's and narcissism is a hellish combination). I was not well myself, but had to take care of her. She had loads of money in the bank, but would not spend one cent to get anyone to help me with anything, including hard physical labor outside that I am not physically suited for and which resulted in my developing tendinitis every year. I did not get any special treatment in her will despite the fact that I am disabled, have lived in this house my entire life, was actually her substitute spouse/slave/servant, and my half-siblings had very little to do with her. I have to sell the house now so I can split the proceeds with my half-siblings, and I am having trouble finding a place to live. I warned her about this in the years before she died, but she didn't care. She knew she wouldn't be needing me anymore once she was dead, so to hell with it. Those of you who have stumbled onto Dr. Ramani at a very young age are very fortunate. My life would have been so much easier if I had been wise to narcissism sooner. At the very least, I wouldn't have had the feeling that I was going mad for so many years, and I would have had the relief that comes with knowing that everything was not my fault.

@berjvarjabedian2207

Жыл бұрын

Heart breaking I hope things are on getting better ?

@cathyb.920

Жыл бұрын

@@berjvarjabedian2207 Thank you for your response. Things are better in the sense that a major source of stress is gone from my life, but I am still living here in her house, in limbo, wondering if I am going to end up living on the street. I was intending to go into my town's public senior housing, but I recently found out I am going to need a hip replacement, and senior housing has no elevators, if you can believe it.

@SparkingLife111

Жыл бұрын

Can u apply for affordable housing? Its available for rentals and buying a house. God i wish things turn around for u.

@cathyb.920

Жыл бұрын

@@SparkingLife111 Thank you for the good wishes. I have applied for public senior housing, but the lack of elevators is concerning.

@eadler5929

Жыл бұрын

oh , what a horrible mother you suffered through. Mine groomed me for a 31 year marriage to a "man" who almost destroyed me...but it is so much harder worse to have a parent like that You are strong and kind to share this...I am 71 and just learning that I almost need to be alone forever .

I have felt this same way, like I wasted so many years being abused and harmed in so many ways. I can’t change that, but can only move forward realizing, as you say, that none of it is wasted, and beauty will come from the ashes. I truly appreciate you, Dr. Ramani, and thank you for this encouraging message!

I appreciate these words of comfort. Couldn't forgive myself for wasting so many years. I'm trying to heal and move forward, and this video has lifted some weight off my shoulders. Thank you!

@valeriegonzalez6629

Жыл бұрын

I couldn't forgive either. It has become necessary to transcend my personality and open myself to a whole new level to begin to forgive.

@mgb7140

Жыл бұрын

@@valeriegonzalez6629 Maybe if you stop trying to forgive, you can detach. That's really what our society generally means by forgive, anyway. I saw him recently and couldn't believe that I no longer cared. No affection, no hate, no anger. And that was wonderful. The consequences of that life are still incredibly hard, but I don't carry that bitterness.

@Maria__57

Жыл бұрын

@@mgb7140 this Is not only detaching yourself from the narc..but it's REALLY FORGIVING..💯👏👏👏👏👏

@mgb7140

Жыл бұрын

@@Maria__57 Not in my vocabulary. Forgiveness is given when 3 pieces are present from the person seeking it: First, they must admit that their behavior was wrong. Second, they must express regret for it and make a serious commitment not to repeat it Third, they must offer to rectify the relationship through their change. It is essentially an attempt at reconciliation. That's my definition of it. Otherwise, I just have to detach from them having any relevance in my life, which is why I use the two separate words. That isn't the way pop culture defines it, but I don't allow pop culture to tell me I have to forgive or I have forgiven.

@Maria__57

Жыл бұрын

@@mgb7140 FORGIVING Is not for the other person..so that we can continue to stay with them. Or not...but it's for... OURSELF...so that. we don't .. thru HATE .. DRINK the poison that kills US slowly....not those that have. ...HARMED US ..go see. a. recent video of dr.Carmen Bryant..on this & you Will understand better

YES...40 years, now I STRUGGLE with CPTSD, I think it started in childhood, that's why I fell for a NARC

@wendyhannan2454

Жыл бұрын

I so relate to that .🙏

@ladybugslovlies1877

Жыл бұрын

Me too.

@klattalexis

Жыл бұрын

Try 76 years of NARC abuse plus C-PTSD & PTSD. Hopefully, I'm at the end of my life now so I can rest in peace, finally.

It still feels like waste. That I was never loved the right way, the way everybody longs to be loved. To never have felt that _real_ connection. That I never got to have a family of my own. I thought I was over this, but now I can’t stop crying. The lesson doesn’t feel so good any more. Now I can see bad people, but that doesn’t make me any happier.

@Maria__57

Жыл бұрын

Instead of concentrating on what you don't have..(the NARC) & his love or a family of yours..or any other thing..THINK of what you do HAVE.. your being FREE from the Narc & your LIFE to still live ..in a Better way..but. rem to break Soulties btw you & the Narc..in the name of JESUS CHRIST..otherwise around the corner the next Narc Is waiting for you...I Hope your a believer..if not ..get to know CHRIST & his LOVE...which Is the REAL LOVE..

@kellymoore162

Жыл бұрын

I have previously felt the same way, being able to see bad people, and not feeling any happier. And the feeling of waste. See the lesson as being your ticket to freedom - that I believe is the golden ticket to having joy back in your life, as dr Romani talks about. The alternative is Entrapment, which is akin to being their slave. I hope this helps you see things from a different light PhreeSoul,

@philipmark1057

Жыл бұрын

DITTO

@ly5142

Жыл бұрын

Strangely, I returned to God after years of scientific atheism. I finally understand He wants this journey for me, and men are no longer important to me. This feels a lot more liberating than pining for love. I think he best time to find a good man is in one's youth, and they stay married. Statistically, more criminals are male, so a higher % of problematic partners as well. I give up on it, it will make me sound crazy but I am extremely unlucky in love and I accept it.

Thank you so much!! I’m about to have my 73rd birthday and 52 of those years have been “wasted” with a narcissist husband. I just found your YT channel a few weeks ago and you confirmed what it took me 51 years to admit. After going through years of counseling, I left him 26 years ago and THEN he goes for counseling. It took him 2 years, but I fell for it and went back. Your video on how they will do that was a word-picture of his behavior. Not one counselor I saw had the insight or knowledge to tell me “he won’t change,” “he’s manipulating & gaslighting you!” All those years - lost - and I thought, “wasted” until today. I’ve been living in my anger & holding on to “grief” - and yes - hope he’d change. Now I know it’s not going to happen. It’s a death and I’ve got to grieve it and move on. Holding on to hope is the waste. THANK YOU! Your experience was not a waste and I pray mine won’t be. For now, it is. But as I grieve what’s lost, I WILL have hope. 😥👍💞🙏 THANk YOU and, yes, now more on life after grief!👍

@M.j.7

Жыл бұрын

This gives me hope for my grandma! It’s something I hate to think of, but I can’t stand the thought of him outliving her… I want her to be able to enjoy the life she deserves without being gaslight. She’s so strong and I wouldn’t be half of a decent person without her growing up and she’s endured so much bs from my grandpa. He seems to be getting nicer the last couple years after he lost a couple brothers in a week right before covid, but last I saw them was at my cousins graduation party last summer and even though he was nicer to me than usual , he made my grandma go to the bathroom to cry. She’s always made excuses for his coldness and accepts “that’s just the way he is” or “when he drinks he always gets like this)… because of the family dynamics, I feel like I’m the only one in the family who sees him for what he is … My grandma turns 71 the day before I turn 31, so I really appreciate your post! Also I’m writing this bc I’m sure there’s people in your life who care about you who have seen how your ex husband treated you (at least to an extent bc we know how they can be different behind closed doors) and appreciates you so much for doing things you’ve STILL managed to do in your life or how you’ve made them feel despite the abuse you endured. Also happy early birthday 🥳 🎂🎈🎁🎉 I’m happy you escaped the narcissist especially after so many years! There’s admirable strength and inspiration in that so thank you!!!!

@ezra4518

Жыл бұрын

I’m really sorry for what you went through, I ask god to give you strength , health and happiness 🙏❤️🙏

Yes. A couple of them. But I’ve come to view those “lost” years as God’s shaping, honing, and molding my character for His purposes, just as God put Moses in the wilderness for forty years. My wasteland years drew me closer to God and made me realize He’s all I need.

@JA-ro3zv

Жыл бұрын

Perfectly stated!!!! Yes, I am grateful for the opportunity to be in the desert, and feel like Paul in prison. I know God is shaping me and molding me and people have commented on how much Ive changed and grown for the better in character while choosing to stay married to the narc while raising kids.

@lindamcwilliams9056

Жыл бұрын

Well said.

@suziex4190

Жыл бұрын

Amen!

@laurienordin2076

Жыл бұрын

beautifully written- thank you. i feel the same and now i see my walk with God so much more precious as 'this' is what He wanted me to understand, that He is the source and Shepherd of my life, never will He forsake or leave me.

@msr1116

Жыл бұрын

I am of the belief that every life experience, however long or short, has the purpose of teaching us something valuable but only if we take some time to reflect on what that exactly is. I feel that bad, negative or hurtful things sometimes occur in order to shake us out of complacency or to provide an in-our-face, clear as day example of how not to be. My ex and his family did so many people wrong.....all because of pride, selfishness and neurotic fears of rejection, abandonment and being humiliated. They never admitted being wrong about anything, engaged in lies of both omission and commission and generally behaved unconscionably whenever it was convenient and beneficial. My ex and I had no children and to my knowledge neither did any of his brothers ---I like to think a higher power ended the bloodline to end the evil of that wacko family. The entire ordeal made me incredibly grateful for my own stable upbringing and for not having been raised in a nutjob family like that. Something that took years for me to fully realize.

I so needed to hear this word of encouragement! I'm 60 years old, still in a 26 year marriage to a narcissist. I am learning to enjoy the things in my life that are meaningful and give me a measure of happiness. I am really working on letting go of the feelings of regret of the wasted years. I have struggled with anger and frustration with my husband. But I am deciding to look at it as a lesson and gained knowledge for going forward. I am unable to divorce but I have laid out very strong boundaries to be able to live separately on the same property. Thank you again for this video it is so life giving when someone out there "gets it" .

@spinnettdesigns

Жыл бұрын

Im so sorry to hear of your plight. Both my narc husbands ended up leaving me because I kept asking too many soul searching questions of them. In the second one, we both claimed to be faithful Christians and I did separate « for a time » to try and understand what was happening, we had not even been married for 18 months, every day except a handful, full of tears and misery. Several months later, I prayed for a divorce , knowing that God understood what was happening to me. Not that I would get one, but that it would happen. 11 days later I received papers for a (groundless) divorce. For my own conscience, I fought it for 6 months, but he forced me into it. He said that I forced him into it 🙄😂 These liars are insatiable attention hogs. If you must stay, learn how not to feed him and to keep your own sanity. Dr. Ramani has some great videos on that. So does Lisa Romano.

@steggopotamus

Жыл бұрын

One thing that helps me is focusing on reducing future waste. Past waste is what's known as a "sunk cost", and it's a common issue in financial situations where people keep wasting more money down the drain because they're spent so much. So instead of focusing on the waste, focus on the time you're getting back, and the time you've learned to stop wasting on them. Obviously I still grieve the past, but there's a special kind of vengeance to living the rest of my life as fully as possible.

@mgb7140

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry. I was in for 32 years, left in my mid 60s. I hoped and dreamed that one day I would get out, did what I could to be ready if the opportunity came up, and one day I was able to leave. Life is still hard, but not as hard as being there. I hope that you are able to build a future life, with or without him, full of meaning and value. Best of luck on your journey.

@MariaCeaMIca

Жыл бұрын

@@spinnettdesigns He HAD to force you into the divorce because he HAD to make it look like it was YOUR fault. That’s the story he will tell everyone else. Narcs never take responsibility for their actions! Don’t worry about what others think, except for your closest friends/relatives. Your near & dear ones should know the truth from you. Everyone else will learn the truth over time, when the narc repeats this destructive pattern with his next supply. Just be grateful you are out of this “relationship” with him, & move forward with your life! ❤️

@TheElena1951

Жыл бұрын

@@steggopotamus Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your comment! I needed it! Tc!

I wasted 30 years on my ex husband. But I'm free now. I think the feeling of "waste" comes from the regret of being in a relationship that was shallow, superficial and was not based in reality. Being loyal and trying to keep an unsatisfying relationship going all on your own. That person did not exist, the beginning was all a lie.

I am the woman you described with over 60 years with narcissistic abuse. Life has not been wasted, but the cruelty provides a valuable barometer for all the blessings. ❤️🇨🇦👩🏼‍🏫

I refuse to think that way…I spent a lot of time with a narcissist…but I don’t do woulda-shoulda-couldas….it’s a waste of time…I prefer to focus on the lessons learned….

No time or money spent on learning has ever been a waste for me. No regrets for doing and living those necessary moments. Wisdom is the sum total of recognized mistakes followed by the courage to change what I do. That's a tall order.

@violetmoon6233

Жыл бұрын

Great attitude 🦋🌻✨

@aprilfielder9411

Жыл бұрын

I screenshot this thank you!

@yasminenasser-rafi3696

Жыл бұрын

Excellent comment. Bravo!

@denisesatt7044

Жыл бұрын

I used to say that. Not anymore. 60 plus years of joy , heatbreak, learning, challenging, grief and triumph ', but the evil of the narcissist and his agents have me regretting.

The one thing that continues to blow my mind is how everytime I listen to your videos I feel you are speaking to me alone.... What's so crazy is that all of us survivors have experienced more or less the same issues. What is weird is it seems that narcissist people are like programs - almost like computer programs, all behaving badly in nearly identical ways. The grief portion seems to be the most difficult after a 35 year relationship, it's very difficult to not feel like a complete idiot for not understanding so long ago. Living a life of serenity and harmony now in nature - alone - simply because I just need it - so much healing yet to do. Thank you Dr. Ramani for everything - you are a true blessing ❤️

@helenduffy6642

Жыл бұрын

You are exactly right that's how I feel too. Thanks for sharing.

@shahilagh

Жыл бұрын

I get that alone and nature part… I write poems and ppl tell me why all your poems are about nature … what should I say??? Because that didn’t hurt me

I needed to hear this. I’m 26 turning 27 and as I am nearing the end of my mid 20s, I feel like I’m such a failure due to my narcissistic mother. But I’m trying to do what I can that brings me joy and try and be easy on myself because my life isn’t over yet.

@NikkiGRocks4Ever

Жыл бұрын

Ashley, you are young. You are aware of narcissism. Have dreams and achieve them. You can do it. My narcissist dad told me all the time that I was stupid. I studied. I graduated with honors from elementary, high school, and college. Its a wonderful feeling to prove the narcissist wrong. Think about that.

@laela6289

Жыл бұрын

Girl that’s nothing. I know people in their late 30’s leaving abusive relationships with kids, debt, therapy and baggage. Your mid/late twenties and early 30’s are the beginning of your life anyway.

@Ash_Queen16

Жыл бұрын

@@NikkiGRocks4Ever Thanks I will

@Ash_Queen16

Жыл бұрын

@@laela6289 Thank you for the encouragement

This doesnt apply just to narcisissm. Everything you go through in life, even if hell awful, is experience from which you can learn. And if you learned something, thats never a waste. Life shapes us and healthy person grow to be a better version of himself because of it.

@marieborchardt2910

Жыл бұрын

I liked myself before when I was unaware, I like myself better knowing what I know now.

This is such a deep message coming from you Dr. Ramani. I felt my broken heart sinking while I was listening to you so deep, traveling in my mind and keep on asking myself how did I get myself into this relationship. We have two small children, boy and girl, 8 and 9 and I just feel every year it gets worst and worst. Over the 13 years of trauma I have been in this messy ugly and very confusing life with my husband, I sometimes feel I don’t know myself anymore, but most of all feel I have lost 13 years of my life with someone who does not deserves me and these two beautiful children.💔💔💔I am a woman of God, and sometimes I just feel I lost my faith in myself because I just don’t see the way out of this hole.

@p.w.352

Жыл бұрын

Just want to say as a person of faith, that abuse is not acceptable in the eyes of God. It's okay to leave an abusive marriage. If you can't leave now, make a plan. Start doing little things to build up your courage and independence. You can do this.

@Bestisyet2Be

Жыл бұрын

@@p.w.352 Thank You for your comment and test I totally agree with you, this is why I am working on my own plan to leave, because I know God does not wants me to suffer and allow my two children to experience the same.

@DiamondEyez456

Жыл бұрын

@@Bestisyet2Be you are doing the right thing for you and your children. And exactly, God does not ever want you to suffer or your children. God wants to be there for you in your transition during the harder moments so you carry on through your journey for a healthier environment for you and your children. Please do your best to remember that during those not so easy moments as you are saving yourself and your children. 🙏

@faa1412

Жыл бұрын

@@Bestisyet2Be And the sad part is, kids aren't as naive or oblivious to "adult" things as we think we are.

@Bestisyet2Be

Жыл бұрын

@@DiamondEyez456 Thankful for your comment and wise advice. God has never felt me before and I am certain that He is right by our side during this horrible and sad situation we are in right now. I just continue to watch, listening and take good notes from all of these blessed wise professional people God put them in my path for a very strong and great reason, because before I met people like Dr. Ramani’s KZread channel, I, along with my two kids suffered a great amount of time with this Narcissist person in our lives. It’s why I am so greatful and thankful for these videos, but mostly for this community because of the feedback and positive advises I get to receive. So thank you 🙏🏼 and may God bless us All to happy journey until we get to breath fresh air ♥️🙏🏼♥️

I shudder to think what my life would continue to be without you and this channel. I look for red flags everywhere. It's funny how things are connected. If you didn't experience what you did there would be thousands of people still lost in the tornados of there life. What you have taught us to understand starts eliminating the depression we carry from it. The clarity, the intricate details, the ah-ha moments. I feel much better now. It took about a year and a half of your videos, but I got it. You are one of the most important people in my life and I am soooo grateful for you. Thanks 😊 again!

Looking back, we cannot say how much of our lives we’ve lost, because we’ll never really know, but I think we can all recognise how much love we’ve lost and that’s the kicker.

Yes dear Dr. 20 years with a Narc, now 20 years paying her Alimony. 40 years of time and money. I could write a book.

Thank you for that. I am 8 years divorced from a 20 year marriage to a narcissist. Your videos help so much! So many professionals don’t understand narcissistic behavior as clearly as you do. And the way you are able to put it into words to not only understand why narcissists do what they do, your words also help to heal the open wounds. For me, you are a safe place to go for understanding and validation. It’s like coming home, like no other home. I value your words. I don’t think I would understand a narcissist as clearly as I do without you. Thank you for your videos!

@monicagandhi8779

Жыл бұрын

I totally agree with you.

@DrMamaHart

Жыл бұрын

Well said exactly! Like coming home!

I do really needed to hear this today. I’m 70 now, and am trying to escape my most recent exhausting narc relationship. I was raised by a narc, married a passive aggressive jerk who I raised four kids with, though basically alone, while I frantically searched the internet’s minimal info on narcs at the time. Lately I’ve been really feeling like the clock ran out and I have lost my chance to really get on track and find new interests. Plus meeting new people seems terrifying now. But you do re-inspire me, Dr. Ramani. I never miss a vid!

@ginae.7915

Жыл бұрын

Hello, i also enjoy listening/learning to Dr. Ramani. Your comment about the clock running out resonates with me. I've been married to my covert narcissist for 31years. I still haven't made a decision to leave...yet. I have started purposely reconnecting with former friends. I wouldn't even know how/where to meet new ones. I wanted to encourage you to think about looking up people you liked. Interesting how subtly time for those stopped. I'm remembering what it feels like to be listened to. Even thinking about anything you used to enjoy. I light a candle for me. It is a new mindset for me. To learn what self care looks like. Oh and to realize i have self esteem but low self respect. I'm purposely choosing not to let "him" get the final say. On a different note. My mother endured more than her share. She retired at 71. Started walking, then hiking. She lost weight (down 2 dress sizes) and became the healthiest she'd ever been. She will be 93 in October. She is still living independently. It would have been a shame if she had not practiced self care.

@JennyBaty1

Жыл бұрын

You are not the only one. I don't trust myself to be with another person. I'm too busy trying to make up for my gullibility. Getting finances straight is the biggest concern.

@RedheadedWritinghood

Жыл бұрын

Sophia you inspire me. Lets keep going! 🌹 Red

@kimgreerpuchek1140

Жыл бұрын

I’m right there with you staring at 70 years old in my life, now. We are so much better off without the daily damage. Spend some time daydreaming about what interests you. Saying that reminded me that I forgot one of my reasons for following up with a passion of mine. Cooking, baking, helping others that would willingly accept your help ? Reading at the library for children’s story time? Learning something new absolutely a long ago interest that you had? Teaching a Sunday school class? Helping out in the nursing home for a couple hours a week? Reading to someone that doesn’t have their eyesight anymore?

Awareness is everything. And once you have it, you live and love differently.

Thank you Dr Ramani My Mom had a saying God only uses broken pots You cannot understand someone else without a similar life experience It teaches you how to hear, how to have empathy, and how to be the person someone else can trust in a hard spot in their life God Bless you!

@AJ-wt4ux

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this!

@BookmarkthisLPR

Жыл бұрын

Yes and Amen!!!

I was with my ex-narc for 3 years….after I left him last year I finally realized how much time I wasted on him, and how much things I could have done(after I left him I accomplished many things) It was really hard to leave him, but after I left, I just regret why didn’t I leave earlier…. To people who’re still in relationship with narc: life is so much better without them! You deserve so much more! You’ll get your life back and be so much happier ❤️

@Angel-xl8pw

Жыл бұрын

Separated 2 months from my husband and his drinking is daily. The "love bombing" now the my mind isn't right, I fear you've met another man, your my wife". Been accused of this for a while. I do not respond very much as the emotional desire is not there. I see maybe he is now seeing hes lost me OR just his manipulation cause he's uses to getting his way with everyone. 45 years old and i see his family " doesn't like to upset him cause of how he gets". Waa i just blind. Long story how we ended up here only after 3.5years in the relationship/marrige. I'm about 99% sure i want a divorce. The good in me doesn't want to be that bad person. Idk how to just do it. 😪

@violetmoon6233

Жыл бұрын

So proud of you yay. Glad your enjoying your freedom & new beginnings 🌻✨🦋💚

@lorettanericcio-bohlman567

Жыл бұрын

Call a lawyer and be careful. When alcohol is involved it is even more crazy. BE SAFE and get out

@cyndiatseng9999

Жыл бұрын

@@Angel-xl8pw my narc also love bombed me for a while after I left him, but then I finally realized that’s not real love, it’s just some form of manipulation. We’ve broken up for over 1.5 years but he still harasses me… Hope you are able to get out of this relationship! And please stay safe and if maybe it’s better if there’s lawyer involve!

Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. I have been married to a narc for 51 years long in a few days. It was very hard for years. I was raised by narcs also so I thought that was how my life was meant to be. After all a thoughtless, stupid worthless thing like me simply couldn't expect anything more. He acts better now {I inherited money. Hmmm} but I am SO aware of the signs now and have put up many borders. I know more about how to protect myself mentally and honestly at the age of 70 I can't see moving on. BTW I have 3 grown children and 10 grandchildren who have blessed me many times over with love and understanding . In conclusion I would like to say that you gave me one more step toward healing with today's understanding and not guilt messages for staying. We all heal at different rates and ways and I can truly say I am proud of my progress and survival.

I cried all the way through this video. Because today I repeated this several times during my session with a therapist. "I wasted soo many years of my life". Regret is one of the most painful emotions we will ever experience and I have a body heavy with it. Thankyou Dr Ramani for addressing this. Perhaps when we are soo stuck on feeling regret so deeply, unable to break out and move forward your words may push us forward. Perhaps our regrets can be turned into that mark that we can leave so it wouldn't all have been for nothing.

Thank you for what you do! 36 years of abusive marriage. But now I can see because of you. I'm going to rewatch this a few times to remind me when I start to grieve for what could have been.

@angelaeastwood3938

Жыл бұрын

35 years for me too I am feeling this way too . 😔

My eyes were filled with tears while listening to this video. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for the much needed encouragement. You are an absolute treasure to all of us. Thank you,again.

Gotta say, as much as I’ve always felt broken, am still am broken, and often very angry at having had a narcissistic mother for 59 years (still going on, 59 years +25 days and still deal with her almost every day) what I’ve learned, and how the experience has made me become myself, has all truly worked for the general good. It’s like how serious grief makes us better at understanding humanity. It’s terrible, horrible, but also can be life-affirming. I’m so much more empathetic, was better at my job of advising college students, a better friend to people with similar issues or even any issues, than I would have ever been without experiencing the frustration and the pain. My sense of humor is enormous, and that is joyful honestly. Sometimes things are so crazy you just have to laugh. The ish is actually awful, but your point is well taken. It’s real, there it is, so what do we make of it. “Done right” as you say, though, means one has to have gotten out of the cycle. All ❤️ to everyone still battling inside their situations, and unable to see outside or take their own power as yet. It’s a tough road, that’s for damn sure.

Sat in tears reading this. I’ve just separated from my abuser. It took me so long to see it. I feel like the life we built for 20 years was utterly pointless, but this video has helped so much. It still happened, I still lived. I take the lessons & start Chapter 2…

This video could not have come at a better time for me 💗 I keep hearing "stop wasting your time with the narcissist" or "you can never get the time you wasted with the narcissist back", which is a very negative way of thinking and I went into a dark place in my head for quite some time with that thought process. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me for the choices that I made, but then it occurred to me that I'm not the same person that I was going into this relationship 18 years ago. I have acquired qualities that make me different from other people in my life, some of them I consider to be not so good but others I consider to be superpowers. I could not have become the person that I am today without having to go through hell to get there... Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the rest of the world, I know it has helped me to work through some very difficult moments in my life the past few years...

@cyndigooch1162

Жыл бұрын

Teresa Phillips I'm thinking that a lot of people, including me, mean that it's a waste of time attempting to make it work with highly narcissistic individuals, or for wanting them to change, though. I even said to the last one I was with, who admitted that he didn't love me at all and was only using me, that he was wasting my time when he stayed at my place for about two and a half months, as I could've been spending it on looking for a man who did love me, instead of being caught up in all the toxic drama with him. He replied that what I said wasn't very nice, which was ironic after what he'd done to me, including r**e! I did tell him that he HAD to leave my home in the end and he couldn't get away fast enough, due to my anger. I also put most of my time and energy into narcissistic family members for many years, to NO avail. They're just getting on with their lives and couldn't care less about me. I became aware that I could've put all that energy into my OWN life instead, hence why I've experienced a LOT of grief for never having a healthy relationship, including with the daughter I relinquished as a baby, who despises me now and is slowly destroying herself, a family, or a proper home, or a career, or even a basic job, because I haven't been able to work for many years either. I'm in my 60s now and realise that it's not too late to accomplish some things, yet it will probably take another decade to sort it all out since I've been extremely traumatised and my life is an absolute mess. ❤

@teresaphillips9692

Жыл бұрын

@@cyndigooch1162 thank you for sharing that and I'm happy to hear that you are pursuing a better life for yourself ❤️ I am an over thinker and I took my situation as a personal failure. Like you, I didn't have a career and 401k (or some kind of retirement fund), or a job for a very long time, a home or even a vehicle and it was terrifying to think of my future. I also felt like a failure to my kids because the choices that I made directly affected their lives and any chance for success in their lives. This guilt and shame that I carried around for "wasting my time" caused me to succumb to the narcissist. Thanks to KZread and the support in the comments sections of videos such as these I became educated on the effects of narcissistic abuse and the tactics that they use on their victim's and I realized that I had fallen right into his trap. However, even though I'm aware now, I still haven't made it out of my marriage and sometimes those feelings loom over me like a dark cloud and I need to be reminded sometimes that it isn't my fault and that I haven't "wasted" any time, I can actually see the strong and beautiful person that I am becoming and I anticipate the person that I will be on the other side of this refinement period.

7:04 to 7:17 - "You can stare with wonder at a night sky or feel the cool rain on a warm day or watch a hummingbird out the window with wonder and keep it to yourself and not let the narcissist suck that joy away." Amen 🙏 Dr Ramani your words spoke deeply to my soul and when you described how you went through narcissistic abuse it made me very sad and emotional to think someone as lovely as you was treated so badly. You certainly didn't deserve it and what you are doing here for us survivors of narcissistic abuse is absolutely incredible all as a result of your own experiences because you understand exactly what it is and how bad it is. You are a beautiful soul in all ways and thank you so much for your videos ❤️ Personally I've always regretted not walking away sooner from abusive people and know I can't take back those wasted years with them. However, I've learned a lot from my own experiences and it's better late than never to leave. In my forties I'm beginning my new life ☀️ Apprehensive yet excited for the new journey ahead with butterflies in my stomach knowing my life now is mine! 🦋 Thanks again for your empowering content ❤️

@frannygrace2191

Жыл бұрын

I wish you much joy in your future!

@Eighties-Jadie

Жыл бұрын

@@frannygrace2191 Thank you so much! ☀️

@angelaeastwood3938

Жыл бұрын

Janie . ): Wow. 😳😪 you indeed write so many beautiful touching words. . You really must be a beautiful person Inside and out . ❤

@Eighties-Jadie

Жыл бұрын

@@angelaeastwood3938 Thanks so much for your kind comment ❤️ the beginning of my original comment is referencing what Dr Ramani previously said when she expressed those poetic soulful words in her video today. Her words spoke deeply to my soul as I could fully relate to how it felt. I appreciated and felt the emotional depth of her words about being able to have those private moments to oneself and savouring every bit of joy without the narcissist ruining it. I have felt what she described with viewing nature's beauty unscathed by toxins and basking in those joyous moments, that taste even sweeter, after leaving narcissistic abuse behind. I use art and poetry to release the pain of the narcissistic abuse I endured as it's a good emotional outlet. Being in nature is also very healing 🌱 thanks again and best wishes ☀️

@Eighties-Jadie

Жыл бұрын

@@angelaeastwood3938 P.S. I would like to add to Dr Ramani's gorgeous examples of these joyous moments has for me been seeing the striking beauty of a vivid butterfly, hearing the last song of the blackbird as evening draws in while lighting a candle and inhaling the aromatic scent of coffee wafting through the house the following day. The list is endless and I thank Dr Ramani for reminding me again of the good things in this world and to focus on that beauty ❤️

You are our rock, you know that, right? A role model, a healer, a kind voice to soothe weary souls, an inspiration and a light guiding us out of the darkness we’d long since accepted as fate. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your tireless work saving souls from those who seek to steal and devour our very lives. Speaking only for myself I will say without any exaggeration that you saved my life, you kept alive a mother of five beautiful children, and thank you on behalf of them and I thank you personally. How can we help you in your work?

I AM a SURVIVOR - I found SELF-LOVE and my Peace of Mind 🥰 When I went through my divorce at 45, I used to think so. Now that I AM 50 and have gone through my healing journey. This was a “Learned Lesson”. Looking back at my 13yr marriage/experience, has fundamentally “Transformed and Refined” ME. When YOU know better, YOU do, move and attract better 🙏🏾💃🏿🥰

No I did not waste my time. It has actually made me a better and stronger person.

@jannlewandowski5540

Жыл бұрын

Michael, I feel the same way now. I used to think I wasted the best years of my life with a DEMON when I could have has someone NORMAL. I learned from my experience. Good luck to you...

Yes, u'r right. Personal growth gets put on hold when the bully co-opts the energy & sets the mood in the house!

You really made me cry in a good way, when you talked about what we learn with narcicistic abuse. I beat the cancer and anorexia nervosa he caused me; I learned resilence and that's how it counts.

I really needed to hear this today. I’m one month out of a narcissistic relationship and I’m on an emotional roller coaster right now. It was only 5 years, but I do feel like it was wasted time. I poured so much of myself into the relationship trying to please and love someone that I now know could never do the same for me. Thank you Dr. Ramani. You have provided me with a lot of great information that is helping me to understand what I have experienced. ❤️

@firemelon7296

Жыл бұрын

Are you feeling better now?

@ljrockstar69

Жыл бұрын

Same here, got out until i figured things outs. Thanks to Dr. Ramani videos and info. It put my confusion of what i was experiencing to rest...i went no contact and moved on. The narc doesnt deserve an explanation, he hoovered and that's when i blocked the number!

I found your channel after I left my marriage with a narcissist because I was looking for way to heal from it, has been 4 years aver since leaving the marriage and you still are helping me to this day, so please don’t stop even if people don’t agree with you but know that you helped me and you are still helping. Thank you.

I actually have questioned myself on that several times.

Dr. Ramani, you are a precious jewel to all of us. Thank you for doing what you do. 🙏🏽❤️

So true ... Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I'm reading "DYKWIA" at the moment, just at page 40something right now. I sent a email to you, about my thoughts of "anti-gaslighting". My life was and is not wasted - narcissist mother - narcissist future ex-wife - other narcissists I identified - now I listen to my intuition much more. I'm father of a beautiful, smart 8 year old girl. I practice and try to educate her in qualities like honesty, decency, fairness, respect. I know and appreciate good people - people who are kind, accepting, understanding, and so much more. If my suic*de attempt would have been successful (and I was serious) - I would have missed out on so much ...

Thank you so much. I needed this so bad right now. I do believe it wasn't a waste. I've learned a lot & am finally breaking off after 7 yrs of trying like hell. I'm still more than young enough & this dude ain't so young so..yeah he might wanna look into his future. I'M LOOKING INTO MINE ❤️ Dr. Ramani rocks 🥂❤️🤗

I used to regret that I didn't get married. Now when I analyze my life I'd probably have ended up in a narcissistic relationship with no way out. My mother is a covert narc and my life mission was always to rescue every jerk who popped up on my path. I've heard about horrible marriages, messy, expensive divorces. Thanks to God I didn't have to deal with it.

Dr Ramani you are my hero, you are my godess, I am a 50 yrs marriage, survival, I just found out because of you, I feel it's a miracle, I am so better now that I know, I can take care of myself because of you, thank you so much

Thank you!! This is exactly what I needed. I wrote down these virtues in my journal and will tell myself these everyday! I had a horrible crying fit a few days ago. I’m in the process of getting divorce started. Yes I have lived a life and now I have to start act 2 and live MY life!!

@ezra4518

Жыл бұрын

Me too, I filled for divorce

Thank you for this video Dr. Ramani...you have no idea how much I feel I wasted my whole life dealing with a narcissist mother and sisters and narcissist men thereafter. I'm 44 and feel like the best years of my life are gone and I have nothing to show for it other than trauma. I wish no one had to feel like this ever.

@lorettanericcio-bohlman567

Жыл бұрын

The best years of your life are ahead of you...

@daisynadal6909

Жыл бұрын

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Thank you so much...I hope you're right. Namaste 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

@KikoSolaris

Жыл бұрын

I feel you ❤️

@daisynadal6909

Жыл бұрын

@@KikoSolaris Namaste ❤️❤️❤️

I love the attitude of turning the waste into something good. I will never want it back, but it has made me a person that I really like, I have more patience and deeper understanding and empathy for people. I find people who lived easy lives rather superficial now and really value the chnages that hardship has brought to me personally. The old saying, "Adversity breeds character" is very true... but sometimes I wonder how much more character do I need ??? LOL

Thank you. The Dr. mentions a 70 year old after a 40 year marriage -- I was 70 when I read my 1st youtube on narcissism and had just divorced from a 40 year relationship. I worked a job for 10 years at minimum wage with no increases, while my co-workers earned more! I can't blame my parents for anything, I blame the narcissistic "ism" I was brought up in, Roman Catholicism.

I waited 44 years of pain from my family of origin before i cut all ties. I should have done it 20 years sooner. I cheer myself up about the lost years by looking forward to the rest of my truly happy life. A future of happiness without them is all mine, and that is a great reason to wake every day. Prior to cutting them off, i was hating life and the future looked depressing.

@calumanderson5617

Жыл бұрын

Your not alone, can understand.

Thank you for the free education doc, I appreciate you. I use to think that my life was wasted, but I now look at it as a lesson. It’s all I can do.

You are absolutely right. The learning never stops. You named a few of so many benefits such as understanding how to help others, gaining self confidence and releasing joy and creativity. Regaining the ability to laugh out loud and to talk to myself has been liberating. I haven’t wasted my life. I have honed it. Thank you for all your work. You are magnificent.

Thanks Dr. Ramani, As you spoke, I physically felt lighter and lighter. You have “been there - done that” right along with the rest of us in a shared experience that we wished we had understood earlier. Now when I slip into rumination over the past, You have provided me your story and words of wisdom to focus upon. You definitely didn’t waste your life, look at how many are grateful for your work in opening our eyes. Another gem revealed today - love it!

I've taken solace in the fact that I've honed my perception over the years after dealing with narcissists. But I needed time to reflect and process my anger to save myself from becoming consumed by it.

If I didn't have experiences with Narcissists, I would never have taken the time to do the research which helped immensely with my healing. The research also helped me to understand how pervasive these people are in society and also helped me to spot RED FLAGS a mile away. It taught me when boundaries are needed and how to set them. .

I am thankful that you share your education and years of expertise on this topic, Dr. Ramani. And, I also realize that you, as a survivor of Narcissistic abuse~get it more than a clinician without that experience ever would.

This is true. If you're raised within an NPD family it takes you extremely long to recognize the abuse. I truly believe that every experience in your life forms you into who you are today. If you can work through issues and find pease with yourself, then the experiences (positive and negative) had a hand in getting you to this point. The key is to love yourself and who you are. Remember, every experience in your life is a lesson. You can learn from each and choose to grow and be better. Learn the lessons well and your life will never be wasted. You will just have been on the road less traveled. The biggest lesson I learned is that words, once spoken, can never be taken back; so speak wisely.

I absolutely did! I've only learned recently what was wrong with this relationship and why I couldn't fix it. 47 years ago married a true narcissistic! I've left him more than once and here I am. I'm grateful for the knowledge and validation that it's an unfixable man I've spent my life miserably confused and emotionally abused with

I did feel like I wasted my life when i was faced with the reality of who my husband truly is. However, i am grateful for who I became! More resiliant, stronger, wiser, and all my knowledge I can now pass on to my kids and anyone I can help see some light at the end of the tunnel. Its amazing how our human spirit survives after we stop expecting change in others and we change ourselves! 💖

This video really hit home with me. After a total of 26 years in two Narcissist relationships I finally "Got it" I've been free for over two years now and the rumination has pretty much come to an end. At 66 years old I'm working on my Bucket List....pursuing formally unallowed hobbies and interests and simply loving life. I consider the time spent within these two relationships as a much needed education and intend to make the most out of this for the remainder of my days. Truly.....it's never too late!

@CodyCole80

Жыл бұрын

Forgive yourself. Narcissism didn’t become an open topic until 5-10 years ago, and I still don’t think many people fully understand the depths of it when they hear the term. Since KZread premiered, there have been wonderful experts, like Dr. Ramani, who’ve graciously signed on to educate the masses…FOR FREE!!! Forgive yourself for not being informed nor knowing how to escape.

@chrisbillings2050

Жыл бұрын

@@CodyCole80 I first became aware of Narcissism 10 years ago, mainly via You Tube. I left my first N-Relationship shortly after this. BUT....I made a major mistake during this time. All of my focus was on my Narcissist spouse....and her disorder. I failed to take a good look at myself in order to understand why I was a magnet for these individuals. Overlooking this resulted in another N-Relationship that lasted 7 years. At that time I finally "Got it" and have spent the past two years working on myself.

@CodyCole80

Жыл бұрын

@@chrisbillings2050 Your headed in the right direction. YAH BLESS!!!

Some of us have been FED to narcissists from BIRTH!

You have helped at least 1million people recognize and give a name to something we have been going through forever. You have helped us realize it's not us. We aren't the crazy ones! Lol My 4 kids are the best part of my life ever and for that I believe I did not waste my life. ANd now at the age of 53ish, I am just so happy I got away from a lot of those type of people. And I can recognize these types of people. Thanks to you, Dr. Ramani!

I had an extraordinary son. He was killed in college by a stray bullet. I have to think this way🙏🏽 because God is in charge. You're right. These people are evil. Thanks for that🌹

After many years of therapy and finding the right therapist for me, I recently learned I have CPTSD. The abuse from my parents was triggered by severe abuse at the hands of longtime friend. I am grateful to have finally identified this nagging injury I could never put my finger on. It required me to set boundaries and walk away politely from both. It has been brutal, but I firmly know who I am and what I stand for. Nobody will compromise my self worth. The people I lost in the wake of this departure currently view me as difficult, but I suspect they will eventually see it too. It is a gift.

I can tell you without a doubt Doc, that you are exactly where you are meant to be. We are all so grateful for you!

Dr. Ramani, you are a very special human being and a gifted teacher... I am so blessed to have found you and your teaching and encouragement... feeling like I wasted my life (married 28 years to a neglectful narcissist) has been a big part of my grief process, so thank you for the amazing encouragement that it was Not Wasted! Thank you for your work and may God bless you and keep you 💞

“Sometimes the new THING that comes out of the old THING, is better than any THING you could have imagined”. Wow! Brilliant simplicity.

This was in incredibly important message to hear. With Dr. Ramani's help, over the last few years I've learned to better recognize the narcissists in my life and their patterns of behavior. I've escaped their sphere of influence and begun to heal. But I've also been filled with grief at the sense of waste and loss in my life. All that love and loyalty given to people who couldn't care less. All the time and energy invested into bottomless pits. But you're right, I still got to live a life, I still followed my path, and I'm still the richer for it. I now appreciate my freedom and peace all the more because I remember how it was not to have it. Thank you for reminding me to make lemonade and enjoy it too.

@mothballs

Жыл бұрын

Bottomless pits.. that's exactly it!

Dr. RAMANI, I would love to hear more about the rage in the healing process. Not the rage of the narcissist but of the one healing. I have a covert, malignant, self-righteous SIL who is pure evil. In my healing process, I went through a great deal of rage for how much she hurt me and the slanderous lies she spread and told me about myself. I went through years of rage at her, others who enabled and protected her and at myself. I think this is a normal part of the healing once you understand how cruel they really are. Thank you! You have been a huge part in my healing journey!

Dr. Ramani, you have achieved more than most. You’re the expert in narcissism. I admire you very much. You’re also very pretty.

You have helped me tremendously! You showed me, I am not the crazy one! Forever grateful! Thank you!!!

Hi Dr. Ramani. I've had that same feeling even after a five year "relationship". The key thing is once a person understands what Narcissim and NPD is; to look within and evaluate whether they want to continue in that relationship knowing the truth. If you understand that you have a choice though it may be difficult to get out of; then the guilt feelings should be lessened.

@blk1735

Жыл бұрын

So true! These toxic people make you feel like they can't survive without you.

Dear Dr. Ramani, As always, Thank you for your thoughtful message. Yes, I do feel like I wasted part of my life being in this narcissistic relationship. I stayed around for the kids, and tried to right many of the wrong situations. Of course, it didn't work and I didn't know then what I know now. Of my two girls, one became a flying monkey, the other through therapy escaped and tried gray rock, then opted for No contact. She became independent and strong enough to say ,"No," to her mother and put a stop to the narcissistic mother. I've always had empathy, love, compassion, kindness and some wisdom over the years. I LOST a lot being a hopeless romantic, I didn't have peace of mind, wasn't willing to take a chance of losing the kids (in court) to their mother. A huge sacrifice and now I think 'how different my life would have been, if only....' I could have had a better live life, offered a woman and me a chance to live and grow together. Fast forward....healing. Kids are emancipated, I'm divorcing and forgiving myself, with aspirations and goals. I hope I can still be patient, love, care for my kids, someone special, myself and step up to the test daily. I will also try to attend your healing session for pointers. One can always learn something new. God bless, Namaste!

Dr Ramani, the videos that you post here, available to all, have saved many people. Thank you so much.

Thank you doctor, again this channel has taught me and lifted some burden from me, -- and many others as well, no doubt! Over one year ago I stumbled across one of your videos on narcissism and the knowledge and comfort it gave me was nothing short of a godsend. It signalled the end of five years of grief and beating myself up over my failed relationship with a narcissist. The learning and encouragement your channel has provided in the months that followed, have resulted in healing and wisdom. I can never look at the world the same way again, and hopefully, will never fall for a narcissist again, in any guise. Surely, many others have had a similar expereince. Thank you on behalf of myself and other survivors, and God bless you!

Just now I am in the grieving process after having ended YET another extremely painful relationship with a narcissist. I am also managing my addiction that came with this relationship and have just watched your video on that topic. A video that was very helpful like this one, too. I love the idea of recycling ALL of my narcissistic relationships. My life started with a pair of narcissistic parents and later with an even worse narcissistic sister. Way too many romantic, well not really romantic relationships with narcissistic partners followed. It all took a very bad toll on my health. I am now a bedridden mess with ME/CFS at the age of 48. My last narcissistic abuser was my medical doctor. That last experience really wrecked me. He was so sadistic on a personal and professional level. Very malignent. But since I have started watching your videos I have FINALLY learned what I needed to learn. And hopefully with your help I will now be able to turn my experiences around and recycle them. So thank you so so much for recycling your own narcissistic experiences and makimg it all so very valuable for us!🌸💐

@joywebster2678

Жыл бұрын

As a point of hope, I had ME/Cfs back when it wasn't accepted, and while ill my MD colleague and I who both caught it same time, could say which patient we got it from we pushed the experts and govt to recognize it. Anyway, it does improve slowly, essential fatty acids help, like fish oil supplements or evening primrose oil caps, and sleep, i needed a cpap machine. I returned to work in 18months from bedbound, but I wasn't well. But kept moving, and by the 10yr mark it was gone, so was my colleagues. Neither of us would say we were back to normal, but certainly not disabled anymore. So keep fighting!

@fruhlingsfrisch6205

Жыл бұрын

@@joywebster2678 interesting!

Such an important message from such an important person in my life, Dr.Ramani, you are making this world a better place

My abusive family wasted the first 49 years of my life, whatever is left is for myself and my adult children!