It's funny, I was an incel for so long, that when the time came (men propositioning me and all), I said to myself "you know, I've spent most of my life waiting, Imma wait a little longer for somebody who actually makes me feel closer to spirit".
I'd already had that experience before when I was a youngster and a hardcore atheist, nothing that this mystical connection did but actually what he inspired in me was enough. Also, a bunch of magic that you would never believe if I told you. I think God sent him to me to make me believe in something more.
He's been my compass, but since then nothing has compared. I thought for a moment, could be somebody but it was just an illusion.
I've had the fear of dying a sexually frustrated woman (I happen to have hormones and be dirty minded, which is one of my many contradictions nobody gets), but now I'm just scared that nobody will know what my favourite poem is. That I'll never be able to recite it to somebody and explain why it is so important to me- mind you, it's not this grandiose thing but I'm a romantic, that's what I do, I romanticize fvcking everything.
Naturally, when I wrote this back in February, I think I was revisiting my choices. I stand by every decision but, I wonder if there's a version of me in the multiverse where he actually tried. If I would've said 'yes!' then, would he actually put in some effort? Was it me the toxic one that has put sex in some sort of spiritual pedestal? Maybe I could've just go for it and it doesn't mean much...
It's sad revisiting these. But hey, what can you do? We push through. We've been doing it since forever, we're not stopping now, are we?
Me and my whacky spiritual beliefs that nobody understands against the world.
___
I stood in the shower mourning
The loss of the bruises that haven't faded yet
Drowning in the silence you left
When you decided I'm not good enough for you to stay
But I think you're right
All I ever do is try
I think you're right
I could never hasten or slow down time
All I seem to do is read between the lines to help me survive
I ended up convicting you for my every crime
I think you're right
I'm too scared of everything
And I was afraid to call you mine
And make you mine
I wish I could've loved you right
I wish I could've loved you right, right now