"Get tae fuck" is the only realistic answer here.

I actually knew a guy who had a burglar in his house. He had just got out of the shower, and he was a big collector of stuff from Medieval and Renaissance fairs. When he heard someone was in the house, he stripped off what clothes he had on, grabbed a big-ass claymore, and ran screaming through the house yelling "HAIL SATAAAAAAAN!!!" at the top of his lungs. As it turns out, most burglars aren't prepared to be attacked by a naked screeching guy with a sword, and tend to run away.

@ionpal9568

9 жыл бұрын

***** I was just running through what I'd do. Then I read this. Man from the pub who helped me with my garden left his machete with my gardening tools. I'm pretty naked thanks to the heat. All I'm missing is a good 'Hail Satan' voice. I'm almost ready. Burglars beware.

@qualandrew201494

9 жыл бұрын

***** ive got lots of katanas. So ill strip to underwear grab my katana and run at him screaming "praise be to allah" LOL that would scare the shit out of him

@ionpal9568

9 жыл бұрын

qualandrew201494 Oh, whoa. That might backfire when they call the coppers on you, though.

@simpsonsim07

9 жыл бұрын

***** Don't do it in the U.S.

@TheVerybakedpotatoe

8 жыл бұрын

+simpsonsim07 when it happened to me, I couldn't find any weapons so I used a skillet a crock pot and an oven door before I finished with a fork. the prosecutor said that was a lucky choice because weapons that look like weapons are likely to get a defender in trouble.

My sisters solution was awesome. Her first apartment in college, she put a note on the front door. It read thusly, "Dear potential burglar, I'm not worth robbing. I'm an unemployed art major in college. I don't have a TV or stereo, just some art supplies, a lumpy mattress, and non-working game boy circa 1985 that's covered in paint. My microwave was maybe $20 brand new, and it barely works. Just save us both the trouble and pick one of the trust fund kids."

@ujutheghost

5 жыл бұрын

Sean McTiernan 😂🙏🏽

@DomWeasel

5 жыл бұрын

I did something similar; 'The rich kid's in the room opposite'

@scottwpilgrim

4 жыл бұрын

If I was robbing your sisters apartment and I saw that note, I'd go rob the rich kids and leave a few thousand dollars under your sisters door.

@onemercilessming1342

4 жыл бұрын

Dean McTierman--You're assuming the intruder can read.

@janeeyre1990

Жыл бұрын

This is why I never fix cosmetic issues that don't affect function. When I had a car, the door handle broke. So I jerry-rigged an Allen wrench in there and had a new door handle that both worked and warded off potential car thieves.

"I know your mother." "SHITE!"

@rhyanbennett2629

8 жыл бұрын

or; "I SHAGGED YOUR BROTHER!"

@Madcapredcap

8 жыл бұрын

"You and every other adult in Ireland, by this point. How could you not have heard of my brother by now?"

@Madcapredcap

8 жыл бұрын

Ireland may be a more matriarchal society than the UK, in the sense of "Mom rules the family and a grown man will still listen to his mother." Kind of like southern Italy.

@TommyTucker091

6 жыл бұрын

Evi1M4chine If an Irish mother got told by someone she knows in the town that their son was trying to rob their home, that man would be in the deep deep trouble. Like the other guy said Ireland is quite a matriarchal society, mum rules the home.

Dara is 6'5. I'm pretty sure a burglar isn't going to mess around upon sight of a giant

@VickyRagDoll

5 жыл бұрын

Who would want to take on the MegaBus Man?

@d.e.b.b5788

4 жыл бұрын

The thought of running into a really big, angry person is sure to be a deterrent to a break in. After I moved out, and my dad passed on, my mom asked me for a pair of my old boots (I wear a size 16). She put them on the mud tray, on the outside of the front door. No one ever tried to break in.

"Hey,. you're robbing this place too?"

@LG-cz6ls

4 жыл бұрын

Oi! I was here first!

A friend of the family in Argentina was heavily pregnant when she confronted a burglar. She stood to full height and said in an authoritative voice "young man you should be ashamed of yourself. Put that down right now and go home". He did the sign of tye cross and ran out. My mum reckons that he thought he had seen a vision of the Virgin Mary!! 😂😂😂😂

If you're being burgled, go up to them naked and say: "Where have you been? You're late, we're all upstairs waiting. Come on'. It'll freak the life out of them.

@sirdeadlock

4 жыл бұрын

And if not, could make for a better night either way if they're keen.

@j-j-jingles4797

3 жыл бұрын

This works with your freinds too! They waste no time to run away from the naked you

@ethanjohnson9016

3 жыл бұрын

@@j-j-jingles4797 can confirm tested thoroughly, now have no friends.

I never saw a comedian play a game with the audience and let them make the jokes, originality at its finest

@India.H

4 жыл бұрын

Earth Is A Donut You obviously haven't watched many comedians of Dara's genre then 😂

@earthisadonut7213

4 жыл бұрын

@@India.H many comedians do the same thing but they move on to their main material quickly after that. Dara uses the audience as material as if he planned this ahead. Similar to Russell Peters, in a way.

@Asif19871

4 жыл бұрын

Earth Is A Donut Karijokie

@patrickgabrielson690

4 жыл бұрын

Jimmy Carr is the best at that though

@ProHobbyjogger

3 жыл бұрын

@patrick gabrielson I would say they’re both top tier at incorporating the audience. Jimmy tends to incorporate the audience’s mothers quite a bit, while Dara is more of a teasing tone. Don’t get me wrong, everyone knows they’re both joking (well, almost everyone). I’m in the US and really can’t think of a comic here who does this sort of interaction as much or as well.

"Are you paying too much for your car insurance?"

@AhsokaTanoTheWhite

6 жыл бұрын

GO COMPARE!!!!!

@angusauty4396

6 жыл бұрын

I'm saving private Ryan.. money on his car insurance

@Thegrimreaper4lyfe

5 жыл бұрын

Hugh Dennis!!

@TheHutchy01

5 жыл бұрын

That would only work if he'd been sleeping with Hugh Dennis

@lillianward2810

2 жыл бұрын

Cashier number 3!

The whole peekaboo thing has become such an ongoing joke with a friend of mine that I recorded just that bit and made it into a ringtone for my cell phone.

@nextlevelguydotcom

9 жыл бұрын

I'd love that! Always make me laugh so hard thinking about it!

@TheJenniferKK

5 жыл бұрын

I want that too! How do you do that?

@landonorris6

3 жыл бұрын

I thought she said "CHEESE DIPPERS"

The safest people in Britain must be the people who have built themselves functioning full-size daleks.

@TheHutchy01

5 жыл бұрын

I cannot confirm or deny that.

@gothnerd887

4 жыл бұрын

With a working lazer

@LeofromFreo

4 жыл бұрын

Yeah, Daleks go up and down stairs so easily. 🙄

@erazure.

4 жыл бұрын

Leo from Freo someone never saw the newer versions

@Behemoth9030

3 жыл бұрын

eraZure I’m pretty sure he meant the real animatronics can’t fucking “elevate”

Someone broke into my house looking for money, I would just laugh and help them look

@ShasOSwoll

10 жыл бұрын

Nice copy and paste from Facebook there

@Tsmowl

10 жыл бұрын

Same here. But god help him if he brought his wallet.

@mothcatcher893

5 жыл бұрын

Fredrik Larsson no

@janeeyre1990

Жыл бұрын

@@ShasOSwoll , almost as if some jokes became classics because a lot of people find them funny

@mrnice7570

11 ай бұрын

50/50 split?

"Hello there, do you have a moment for our lord Jesus Christ?"

@Tsmowl

9 жыл бұрын

scythenstetson I think "praise Allah" would work better

@anfeargaelach5655

7 жыл бұрын

No because he's a false demi god

@gabeangel8104

6 жыл бұрын

AD04 a lot of people don’t realise this but when Muslims say Allah it actually refers to the same Abrahamic God that Christians and Jews worship. When Islam started they were living in a polytheistic society so they needed a way to specify that they were talking about actual God not one of the many idols that the people around them called gods so they said Allah, which translates in English into ‘the one true God’. The foundation of both Christianity and Jewdaism is also an integral part of Islam. Many of the events in the bible are also referred to in the Quran. I don’t think you meant to say that God is a false demigod.

@OzzieOzzieOzzieOyOyOy

6 жыл бұрын

I don’t talk to my Mexican gardener, so no. I don’t have any time for him.

@alansmithee419

5 жыл бұрын

That would get me out.

Just walk in Naked and be like, "Evening"

@eddy-currents

7 жыл бұрын

+MrJohnycomelately21 "when shall we start" ;)

@jasfay7219

7 жыл бұрын

MrJohnycomelately21 haha what if ur a girl tho

@janmalecek3278

6 жыл бұрын

When you are naked your defense is zero but your attack strength doubles.

@OllieWales

6 жыл бұрын

*Evenin'

@garethreece

6 жыл бұрын

Your defense is 200%. In the words of Rodney Carrington "Noone wants to fight a naked man"

I can control all of my lights, heating, and a central audio system from my phone, I would just flicker the lights, turn up the heating, play some creepy doll music, or maybe some death metal as loud as it will let me.

@lesefreak17

6 жыл бұрын

Louisa Bell youre a genius

@ab14967

5 жыл бұрын

@Kieran H If your house burglar is a hacker to that level... that guy is doing the damn wrong kind of crime.

@thehellyousay

5 жыл бұрын

Dara actually did exactly that once (with creepy doll music) to prank his wife from another country. His wife phoned him shortly after and told him she was on call (being a surgeon) at the hospital, but the babysitter was freaking out. Naturally, it became part of his routine.

@thehellyousay

5 жыл бұрын

@@ab14967 burglars ain't hackers, but stupid people are everywhere, so sooner or later, someone comes to the most idiotic conclusions about anything that dips a toe in the puddle of their minds

Just slowly move towards him and speak latin.

@maelstrom197

8 жыл бұрын

wut

@adamstringer7092

8 жыл бұрын

Are you trying to make him think that you're a witch?

@poslednisoud

8 жыл бұрын

Adam Stringer The trick is to let his imagination work for me :D

@Blagno4

8 жыл бұрын

+Nazael Rahl ET TV, BVRGLARVS?

@CrazyCircles1

8 жыл бұрын

Or, walk slowly towards him while speaking backwards, eyes rolled back, head slightly tilted to the side and get progressively louder as you come near to him.

just casually open ther door and say hello sexy, then yell steve grab the chloroform and the nipple clamps we have got another one

@themaggattack

4 жыл бұрын

Very Pulp Fiction. "Bring out the gimp!"

@Onlinesully

4 жыл бұрын

that's gas

Step forward, naked and shout "at last you've come. I've been waiting for so long". I hasten to add I am 6 foot three.

@benjaminfoster7560

7 жыл бұрын

Peter Mirtitsch I'm 6 foot 5, I'll remember this one :D

@petermirtitsch1235

4 жыл бұрын

@@benjaminfoster7560 don't forget the furious masturbation to complete the picture. I think that should have folk overtaking Usain Bolt...or you will get a lot more invites to parties.

My cousin (6"4, muscular dude) once heard someone in his house so he stripped naked and ran into the room with a frying pan screaming "the doctor will see you now!!". That worked pretty well.

@jimlunn

6 жыл бұрын

That happened

@jordancapuano3371

6 жыл бұрын

With the recent addition of the video game pubg I can see that being quite possible If only he would have shouted "panman" while rushing him

@justincapik8252

4 жыл бұрын

I hope to god that's true

@jsunshinejull

Жыл бұрын

And then discovered the intruder was his darling mother stopped by for a visit.

"If you could spare me just a minute of your time, I would like to talk to you about the wonder and power of our lord and savior Jesus Christ."

@pfalky2k

9 жыл бұрын

that can scare me out of my own house lol

@cyqry

8 жыл бұрын

+pfalky2k "Shit, the Mormons are here!" *dives out the window*

@blitz6202

8 жыл бұрын

+Izumi Koushiro OMG yeaaaasssssssssssssssssssss

@yogsothoth7594

7 жыл бұрын

CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT OUR LORD AND DEVOURER CTHULHU.

You know what was freaky? that wolf noise after the video.@_@

@Aster-vs8xg

10 жыл бұрын

yeah, I was all " aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh " after that

@fwalsh101

10 жыл бұрын

sounds like they did that themselves :/ strange

@uzvisheni

10 жыл бұрын

That scared the fuck out of me, much more then the peek a boo!

@ellielayland7754

10 жыл бұрын

Ikr but look at his username it makes sense

@TheGeordieCyclist

9 жыл бұрын

I was watching it in the dark. using headphones...

"HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?!"

I listened to this show for the first time while driving and I almost had to pull off the road when "Peek-A-Boo" came up.

I would record the entire burglary then put shitty, red captions over the top of it in case you missed the key moments in the video.

@OHYS

5 жыл бұрын

Haha yes

@ProHobbyjogger

3 жыл бұрын

Aww, cmon. I’m thrilled they took the time to post it.

@BigWelshMike

3 жыл бұрын

@Brandon O'Connell Bore da, fella. Too effing hot to sleep! 😂

If Dara had a burglar, he could just burst open the door and yell as loud as he could and scare the absolute shit out of anyone. They'd either think it was a massive bald bear, or shrek.

@Nullifidian

Жыл бұрын

Or the Megabus man.

in the darkness just say in a sinister voice oh mother we have another visitor to play with get the things ready

@cyqry

8 жыл бұрын

+frustratednomad Knock knock, peek-a-boo, oh mother... What creepy shit is gonna come up next?

@henrikhyrup3995

8 жыл бұрын

+angryboy2k9 In Hugh Dennis' voice: "Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain, I would like to talk to *you* about Mock the Week!"

@cyqry

8 жыл бұрын

Henrik Høyrup Hugh Dennis trying to make an Irish accent... it doesn't work, but it still makes something beautiful.

"Do you enjoy the music... of showaddywaddy?"

@tomsdottir

5 жыл бұрын

Everyone was having a nice light-hearted conversation and you have to drag it down into the gutter with that filth.

Am I the only one who heard "Cup of tea father" hahahahahaha

@theeditor8776

8 жыл бұрын

Feck! Arse! Girls! Drink!

@vinylhedgehog5574

7 жыл бұрын

Father Ted?

@jamoman0277

6 жыл бұрын

Ashley Cross DRRENK

@rlosangeleskings

Жыл бұрын

Go on... Go on.... Go on....

I'M GENUINELY CRYING. Funniest man ever!

How about re-enacting the "Spanish inquisition" routine? The burglar would wet himself.

A shout out in wolves for the “what could you say in Ireland to scare the burglar?” “Is that you Patrick” Class

I'm here because of the PEEK - A - BOO :D :D :D

@midnightwolf977

9 жыл бұрын

macopis04 your neither the first nor the last !!!!

@macopis04

9 жыл бұрын

hahahaha i bet!

@akaianc

9 жыл бұрын

macopis04 That and the "knock knock", hahaha. This clip is so hilarious.

@JaelinBezel

8 жыл бұрын

+macopis04 I think the only way to make that scary is by being Jack Nicholson brandishing an axe.

@shade9592

7 жыл бұрын

press 7 on your keyboard

"You must leave now! The Ice Queen is coming!"

@jean-lucwalker3690

6 жыл бұрын

WalterLiddy creating narnia?

I work in a Haunted House, I'd just pull my routine on the burgler.

@jean-lucwalker3690

6 жыл бұрын

Private my friend once jumped out on a haunted house actor and got kicked out.

@thatsnotgonewellatall5517

6 жыл бұрын

Private how would that work XD everyone can tell a haunted house is fake af

@rlosangeleskings

Жыл бұрын

I used to work at a mortuary and can pretty much pull off the same stunt...

Easily you just shout - "Shit, you're robbing the place too? Goddamn. The people who live here must be rich. Help me lift the TV bruv." Then when you're holding it drop it on his toe.

@JenniferPinto

6 жыл бұрын

Drop it on his toe? You probably have a TV to spare...*facepalm*

That burgler wasn't just polite; he was Canadian.

when i saw this section on the dvd and it came to the peak-a-boo part i was in stitches for a good five minutes. still gets me every time

I was at a show and shouted "an aroused moan" (my idea being that the idea of unrequited and aggressive sexual conduct would be scary for a burglar) as a suggestion. I ended up having to perform my idea of what such an aroused moan would sound like, much to Dara's amusement. I went to the show with my father, who sat next to me. Cheeks did flush with blood.

@-_James_-

Жыл бұрын

Aroused Moan is basically a Kenneth Williams impression, no?

@smaakjeks

10 ай бұрын

@@fluchterschoen Boy, that gives new meaning to the lyrics of Lady In Red

I'd shout "Hands up!". I might not have a gun but I do have a crossbow.

"you're 20 minutes late, where the fuck is my pizza?!"

I'd yell out in a real deep, slow voice: "DEATH BY SNU SNU!"

@evepayler1461

3 жыл бұрын

If I were the burglar in that case, I would hang around. Best way to die

"Did you hear anything odd just then, Mr Pistorius?"

I stopped an attempted burglary when I was eight. I'd fallen asleep on the couch while watching TV with my parents in the den, which faced the back garden through a sliding glass door. I woke up around 2 a.m. to see two hunched, dark figures. It took me a while to determine that they weren't animals but people trying to force the bolt on the back door. I had a plan, but as backup I grabbed a poker in case of a physical confrontation and the phone if it became necessary to dial the police. Reasoning that they'd be fairly anxious trying to break in without being detected, I decided that making a sudden loud noise and then flashing on the outside lights would probably scare them off. And that's exactly what I did. I banged five times on the glass with my fist as hard as my 8-year-old body could manage and then flicked the lights on and dove out of sight, so they wouldn't see their opponent was just a little boy. It was a tense couple of minutes before I decided to put my head out and see if it worked, but it did. They had run off, leaving only a little bit of damage to the wood of the door jamb as a testament to ever having been there.

Id scream: “LÉIGH ANOIS go cúramach, ar do scrúdpháipéar, na treoracha agus na ceisteanna a ghabhann le Cuid A”

@ross9099412

4 жыл бұрын

Best thing I've seen in a KZread comment this week xD

@everyonelovesdee

3 жыл бұрын

Or just the beep that comes after that. 15 years later that is all I can remember from sitting those exams

@thingy164

3 жыл бұрын

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO PLEASE I REMEMBER IT SO VIVIDLY

say "do exactly what I say. I'd rather not turn this rape into a muder."

@omarkhan5223

6 жыл бұрын

Sounds like Jimmy Carr lol

@thatsnotgonewellatall5517

6 жыл бұрын

RemnantOfThePast that's Jimmy caars chat up line

@thatsnotgonewellatall5517

6 жыл бұрын

Omar Khan it's cause it is

The funny thing is I do own a full size dalek with lights and a vocoder

@JaneDoe-ci3gj

5 жыл бұрын

😂😂👍

Take longclaw from the wall and run shouting "for the watch."

@HattielyEverAfter1995

5 жыл бұрын

@Paul Regan ‘in the name of house Stark’ x

Okay, I'll admit it. The moment he asked 'What kind of world do we build behind the door?' the first thing that popped into my own head was 'Narnia!'.

Home Alone has taught us what to do in this situation

Iwould just go "Oooh, fresh meat!"

what would I do if a burglar was in the house? *Glances behind him to his collection of medieval weapons* make a burglar real nervous

@thehellyousay

5 жыл бұрын

I've got a cane. Of course, I use for walking these days, but I've had to put a couple of would be robbers in hospital with it too. The secret is to only strike once. That way the police only charge the injured mugger. It's hard to be that restrained under those circumstances, but it's better than being busted for being excessively aggressive on your would be victimiser. See, the cops don't like letting anyone else have any of that kind of fun. They feel entitled to be the only people in society allowed to boot fuck someone for shits and giggles

I hide knives around my house. Have done since I was much too young to be using knives. And considering I laugh hysterically when I'm scared, I reckon I'd come off kore unsettling than him.

@JaelinBezel

8 жыл бұрын

+Ray McGrath I keep a pair of baseball bats with the handles sticking out in my closet for just such an occasion. Granted I was never very good at hitting baseballs with them but I think hitting a human being would be much easier.

@raymcgrath8229

8 жыл бұрын

+Cody Hines It's amazing how many people just freeze in place, extend their arms and make a stupid face when you take a swing at them.

@comicahmet

7 жыл бұрын

Ray McGrath really? not even protect themselves with their arms?

@SiliconBong

6 жыл бұрын

Ray; *took off my clothes and casually quipped: "You're here earlier than i expected, let's get started" :)

* It puts the lotion in the basket... * Preferably before the burglar finds the light switch.

@thehellyousay

5 жыл бұрын

What do you suppose the odds are that the burglar's never heard that line, and wouldn't immediately recognise it, hmm?

The barking was adorable! The burglar would totally steal that dog too. -:)

ohman everytime I see this the "Get tae fuck" cracks me the fuck up

7:19 Oh Irish people, you are the best.... The fucking best!

I would just get naked. Nobody wants to rob the naked guy.

@cyqry

8 жыл бұрын

+LemonZeppelin Depends if they have weapons or not. If they are prepared to attack someone because they think they could get away with it, then being naked only makes it easier... That said, if you charge them while naked and screaming incoherent shite at them, they're probably gonna panic.

@cyqry

8 жыл бұрын

***** True, a naked person would easily be killed. But then again there are two reasons to fear a naked person. 1) They KNOW that they have left a lot of soft-spots open and thus have some kind of plan for that, or they're just that badass they don't need protection. 2) They DON'T know that they have left a lot of soft-spots open, implying they are batshit crazy. Nobody wants to fight a person like that.

I would say 'Ah, I've been expecting you' I don't have a cat so I'll have to stroke my toy snake instead

@hallidaycat1988

8 жыл бұрын

ooo that gave me an idea. id let my three snakes loose in the room and RELEASE THE LIZARDS!!! mwahahaha then id say nothing... id just laugh and laugh

@omarkhan5223

6 жыл бұрын

Is toy snake a euphemism?

at 6:00 I was legitimately reduced to a teary-eyed mess on the floor, unable to breathe through my own choking laughter.

'' Well Ma I guess we're eating tonight after all '' .or just play the outro from this video on really high volume.

Last week I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a break in. I draped a big floaty scarf over my shoulders, then proceeded to screech and thunder downstairs. When I reached the living room, I locked eyes with him and continued my performance. Judging by the smell that lingered after he left, pretty sure he shat himself

As per statistics in the US, if there's an intruder in the house at night, that intruder is going to be of the violent variety. That intruder is not there JUST for the valuables, and you need to get out as fast as possible. The ones that break in during daylight hours, while most people are at work, are the smash and grab type burglars.

An ecstatic breathy, "Oh, at last!"

Deadbolt me and the cat in my safe room and hope the burgler takes the stuff for the Goodwill so I don't have to cart it out myself.

YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOOL!!!!

I once suspected a room-mate of stealing my paycheques. I knew he was very religious, so I searched for some satanic symbols online and drew them on the envelope, alongside some made-up Latin. For good measure, I hid the envelope inside a dvd box, which was inside my padlocked backpack. When I came back from work, my backpack looked untouched. I opened it, the envelope wasn't there -it was as if it had disappeared. I was starting to panic when my other room-mate, with the envelope in hand, said he'd found it on the floor. My guess: the thieving bastard picked my lock, hastily took the envelope, put everything back where it was, but then realised the cheque had pentagrams and the other stuff. He then, got scared and tossed it.

In the U.S. It would simply be BANG BANG,

@ShadowFalcon

8 жыл бұрын

+Robin Banks No. It'd be BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG click. And then we'd have a dead kid (the shooters own), and two wounded neighbours (from bullets going wide) while the burglar would be running for the hills.

@smith077906

8 жыл бұрын

Charlie Hinkley ha ha!

@ShadowFalcon

8 жыл бұрын

Anders Garvin More like someone have an inflated perception of their own abilities.

@MikkoB89

8 жыл бұрын

+MrFalconfly Most of us own a flashlight.

@ShadowFalcon

8 жыл бұрын

MikkoB89 I'm not talking being able to see the target. I'm talking about the average civilian not being able to make calm, calculated decisions in a stressful situation (like said civilian being burgled)

I'd just open the door very fast and would angrily shout "Who's there" with the craziest and most intimidating stance I could think of

@Blagno4

7 жыл бұрын

MasterShakeXYZ At your mom's.

*in a sing-song voice* two-by-two, hands of blue. Two-by-two, they come for you. River Tam tends to have a creepifyin' affect on people.

I'd walk in like "do you want a cup of tea?"

if he is on the other side of a door, got a fire axe or something like that, and start to smash open the door, I guarantee you he will be running for the nearest window

@rhyanbennett2629

8 жыл бұрын

I would be as quiet as possible to get to the door, the burglar opens the door and in the creepiest way I could, I would simply say... Boo! Ahahahaha!

@vinylhedgehog5574

8 жыл бұрын

+johannes nordeng why don't you shout "Heeeeere's Johnny!" too while you're at it

excellent... perfect timing, i was just about to run out of ingredients....

Personally I'd just go for "Oi!" and then smash their head into the kitchen worktop

The polite burglar bit is just the Thieves' Guild of Ankh Morpork.

"Would You like to play a game?"

I would remotely turn on my hifi and start blasting ride of the Valkyrie's very loudly

Blast either death metal or Toccata and Fugue in full volume and yell "Praise Lucifer! Another offering has arrived!"

TY so much for uploading this! I still cry laughing at this part and I'm still surprised it hasn't been posted before.

I would go *"You picked the wrong house FOOL!"*

So, it's Christmas time, 1981. I'm a 21 year old sailor living in an apartment with two other guys from my squadron in a marginal neighborhood just outside of San Diego (Imperial Beach, to be exact). It was a low-income neighborhood, populated by a mix of retirees, mechanics, dope dealers, sailors and other sketchy types. During the day, the place was ok, but nights were different. The neighborhood was prone to auto and house burglaries. The entrance to the apartment was in a dirt alley which doubled as a parking area. My room mate had is car broken into and stereo stolen while parked there one night as did a couple neighbors. One night, as we drove up the alley after getting off duty (this was like around 2AM), we caught the beach rat whom we'd seen lurking around the neighborhood before trying to hide from our headlights. We figured him for the auto burglar. So what I'm getting at is that it was a dicey neighborhood. Anyway, it's Christmas time and I've just come back from Christmas leave. Both my other room mates are still on leave. One room mate (Ken) left for leave the day I came home, the other room mate wasn't due back from his Xmas leave for 4 more days. Around 2AM I heard the door knob on the front door rattle. I sat upright in bed wondering if I'd imagined it. Then I heard it rattle again followed by what sounded like the door being shouldered in. No way did I imagine that. So I jumped out of bed and loaded my Colt M1911 .45, including putting a round in the tube. I leaned out my doorway and thought "Ok, all the lights are off but if this is Ken or Matt, they will turn the lights on as they make their way into and through the apartment". Nope, whomever it was didn't turn on any lights. My heart was pounding. Through the darkness I could see this hulking form weaving side-to-side as he made his way down the hallway towards my bedroom. I took careful aim, center of mass, and started to pull the trigger. Then something inside me said "Wait. Give this fucker ONE chance". So I cycled the thumb safety on my pistol on then off. The image stopped about 10 feet short of me. Once again, I started to apply pressure slowly to the trigger when I heard out of the darkness "Mike????". Jesus, it was my room mate Matt coming home from Xmas leave FOUR DAYS EARLY!!! That just doesn't happen in the Navy. No sailor EVER reports back to his command EARLY. Now, the thing is, Matt and I didn't get along too well and I have to confess that the thought of pulling the trigger anyway did cross my mind, if only for the briefest of moments, but I knew I'd land at least 7 years in Portsmouth Naval Prison, so I wished him a Merry Christmas and told him how close he came to being shot dead. So, if you are ever in the same situation, and if you've a gun, see how the burglar reacts to the click-click of a safety being cycled.

I have knives. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely I am to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like I'm serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.

@paladinboyd1228

6 жыл бұрын

DiscoRaptor, I would say I have a machete and ptsd your move sunshine!

It's a lot scarer than knock knock isnt it? Knock knock seems like a long time ago now 😂😂😂 kills me every time!

"don't make me break my parol and get the fuck out, 2 murders is more than enough"

I'd whisper through the door "Did you bring the Vaseline and cucumbers?"

Just shout PERKELE! No matter the place or time people will know you're angry.

"Peek a boo!" I'm crying laughter XD

Well I'm a knife collector, so I have a choice to pick from. You brake into my home, you're not leaving.

"I will be up when the burglar comes." 😂😂😂

You know, this is the first time I've seen Dara use his legs...

my mum's had trouble sleeping lately. I heard a noise from the kitchen, and thought she must be up there, but when I walked past her room, I realised she was asleep there. no one else in the house. went upstairs kind of creeped out, and screamed when my cat patted me in the face as I walked past the banister.

"You came to the wrong house, bub."

Haha that'd work in Newfoundland as well. Well, maybe not St.John's, but "I knows yer mudder..." would definitely work for most Newfie burglars I imagine, if that's a thing that exists. That or "How's yer fadder?"

"well, looks like we got ourselves a fresh one"

Hey, Zeke. Looks like we got us another one.

@user-yk9em3je6q

6 жыл бұрын

"You gotta purdy mouth...."

I still come here all these years later for the smile

Couldn't help but think that with modern home automation, you probably _could_ back up "peekaboo" with some jack in the box music, and possibly the lights switching on but in a flickering red rather than a normal white. Throw in some infrasound and the burglar will really start shitting themselves!

I'm surprised nobody in the audience pointed out that Dara is a great big fucking troll of a man and would, surely, only need to come around a corner quickly in order to precipitate the burglar's immediate withdrawal from the house.

Just as my meds are wearing off is what I would say

“You’re getting warmerrrrr...”