Here is the link to the PDF: Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs: awakenjoy.lpages.co/negative-core-beliefs-pdf/

Optional pain and second arrow of suffering. My narcissistic biological mother left me when I was only 12 years old. She never loved me. My father's love was too weak to fill up that deep void in me. Both my parents have gifted me one life with many inner deaths that I still experience very often. I liked to study but my disturbed family life and worst kind of schooling and upbringing didn't allow me to achieve success in my life although I never wished to waste myself but my life is a waste now and I'm still sane and alive only because of my spiritual interests in life. Otherwise I would have been in an asylum by now. Thank you.

I am absolutely amazing! Whenever I hurt myself I immediately apologize! The other day I fell because I installed a slippery tile in the den, so if I am washing the porch and come inside barefoot I will fall automatically! The first time I was about to cry but since I live alone what’s the point of crying without an audience. I said “I’m not going to cry! I am not a poor thing, I am strong!” Now I know better, and purchased a pair of 🐊 croc sandals that aren’t slippery. I truly mean the apology whenever I hurt myself. Maybe if I weren’t living alone I would be looking for someone to blame

Thoughts are a tricky game. You can literally over think overthinking. I mostly feel I'm dominated by my thoughts, and that my thoughts that i choose to think dont work. I've been drowning in endless mind battles throughout adulthood. So difficult to detatch and be present and be in control.

Well, this can change how I deal with and sort out my emotions... I just need to ask myself: "Is this pain you're feeling optional? Do you actually need to feel this level of pain on top of the unavoidable one? Do you think you can let this one go or should we work through it? Do you think you deserve the relief of letting go of this optional suffering?" ... I think it will be very helpful as it starts a conscious conversation with the self and reminds me that I DO have options; that I don't have to undergo some kinds of pain if I can. Thank you🙏💕

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

I love how you have developed a helpful internal dialogue from the concept of the Second Arrow!! I hope it helps (and I think it will!)

@blahsan451

3 жыл бұрын

How do I download PDF

@skippy7208

Жыл бұрын

@@blahsan451 you just click on the little down arrow to the right of the title of the video. Some text will appear with information about the video, click on ‘more’ and a link to the pdf will be revealed.

Thank you for sharing the concept of the 2nd arrow of suffering, its such a perfect way to describe what our minds do to ourselves and gives insight into how we can counteract it ! I really appreciate your work.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for letting me know! This is a super helpful concept for me!

I recently started to watch her videos, and they have helped me so much. After years of therapists and battling with my mental disorder cognitive therapy is the only thing that works for me. I'm glad I found her to refresh my memory and help me for free. Thank you very much.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

So glad you are finding the videos helpful!

@enchiladasqueretanas

8 ай бұрын

Use meditation as well, I love her videos too! Good luck ❤

You have to practice so much and sometimes you can get blind sided

Woah! This video came at the perfect time. This weekend I spent a few days in the house where I grew up. My parents are on vacation and this is the first time I’ve slept there in 10 years. While I was there I got to see some of those core beliefs that were created as early as at 5 years old. The main one being that I’m not safe and the world is harsh, unforgiving, and dangerous. I saw how that belief has been coloring my memories of my childhood AND what I’m creating in my future. I left able to appreciate all of the amazing things my parents provided that I had been blocking out or dismissing and able to lift that constraint (second arrow) from my future.

This was so helpful. I really related to the 'second arrow of pain' philosophy. I didn't realise how much optional pain I cause myself until I heard this. It makes sense. Thank you

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

No pleased to hear that this was helpful! I find it a super helpful concept.

@keeganbbk

3 жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan +!aaaa+

This was such a well-explained clear-cut cut to the chase video. Made so much sense to be able to grasp through real-life examples. ty

Is the Second Arrow of Suffering a useful concept for you?

@kathleenwoodward2851

4 жыл бұрын

yes very much now to practice knowing when the pain is optional

@matthewturner1201

4 жыл бұрын

I like this idea. Also the Buddhist concept that we are unhappy because we expected a certain outcome. But it is what it is and that's ok as its our own expectation that's makes us unhappy. I'd like to watch more of your videos. Thanks

@bonniel4325

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, I love it, thank you so much.

@mniiu6524

3 жыл бұрын

Second Arrow of suffering is an amazing technique to get know and let go the optional pains.

@prasadforfaithingod6590

3 жыл бұрын

Yes. It was very helpful

11:00 grief from losing a loved one is not optional. But thinking you should have prevented the loss is optional pain

In my opinion, i think the second arrow of suffering basically trying to teach us about acceptance. Yes we all suffers, we all going to die, but that is just how things are. Can we avoid that? No. But can we learn to accept it? Yes. We just have to learn to let go of things that we cannot control.

@Onlinesully

3 жыл бұрын

How do you apply that to your wife betraying with a mafia leader and then abducting your young child and then being fired follower by total mental and physical breakdown ?

Great explanations of the Two Arrows! As I recently discovered IFS, I'm pondering the use of Two Arrows when working with my parts. 🤔

I was looking for videos about reframing negative thoughts and I’m glad I found your videos! This is so helpful and the way you explained the concepts and techniques are easy to digest. Thank you for the free resources as well!

Absolutely correct

Loved the concept that you introduced to us “the optional pain“. I realized this is what I’ve been doing all through my life and adding to my stress by blaming myself or blaming others for any unavoidable pain. Will reflect now! Thanks for the thought provoking video

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

Awesome that this resonated with you! I find it so helpful!

I love cognitive reframing and all the different techniques your channel guides subscribers through. As someone that is a chronic illness/pain sufferer, using mindful and thought reframing has been the biggest game-changer in my journey.

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

Awesome that these techniques have helped you!

Thank you so much for this video!

Thank you for saying that….everything that happened is NOT from our thinking

Appreciated the outline on how frames are formed! Another great video!

Wow! I feel it’s super cool!

Thank you 🙏💗

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

You are welcome!

Thank you so much Barbara. You're an angel for helping so many people out through everything. Thank you thank you💖

I really resonated with everything you said. You are very clear and give great examples with visuals, which I so appreciate. Keep doing what you are doing it’s so powerful.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Zoey: So pleased you resonated with the video! And thank you for the encouragement :)

Great talk Barbara. It really has made me be aware of looking for times when I can lesson self imposed avoidable suffering. 🙏🏻

Thumbs up for motivation

Thank you for sharing. Really informative.

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

You are welcome! Thanks for letting me know you found it informative!

Thank you! This was very helpful!

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

You're so welcome!

Lots of love and gratitude from Egypt

I am very very thankful to you for videos. It is wishful thinking that i want to see you.

After years of talk therapy, which I’ve known wasnt what I needed, In a single day your video’s have led me to important answers!!! Thank you very much! The second arrow explains my grief at several huge losses, recently, and helps so much! 🧡

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

I'm so pleased this video was helpful (and sorry I didn't see your comment sooner). I hope working with the "second arrow" concept has been helpful!

Thanks Barbara. Helpful video. The way you present information your videos makes them so enjoyable and easy to receive. I hear all the compassion too. Thankyou for choosing to make these, and all the effort that goes into the preparation. Simply amazing.

Thank you very much.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

You are welcome!

Your videos are great! Thank you for sharing. Al Anon 12 steps is also helping reframe my first thoughts of shame and judgement. Your delivery is so clear and concise. 😊

Excellent exposition! Simply excellent!

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

thanks!! and thanks for letting me know :)

Excellent. I love your videos so much. Concise but informative.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for letting me know!!

Excellent! 👏👏👏👏👏

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you! 😃

I really enjoy your videos and a you make such sense.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

I appreciate that!

The second arrow of suffering is very interesting. I would like to get some insights on learning music with CBT.

Beautiful

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you! Cheers!

You are a godsend!

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

🙏😄

Thank you ! Yes, I can relate to the second arrow of suffering - a Very helpful concept

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

So glad it was meaningful for you!

Nice video Barbara, Definitely one of the most powerful things you can do!👍

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

Thank you @Clifford Starks!

I just watched this. It is the first of your videos I have seen. I downloaded the pdf. I’m going to watch more. Thanks for all your great work!

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Thomas: You are very welcome! I am so glad you found it useful!

Thanks for uploading such an informative video. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Glad you liked it!

Thanks, I am grateful to you

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

You are very welcome!

Really good video

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks! So pleased you enjoyed it!

Loved this video (and so many others). You talk about the optional pain that we cause ourselves - the avoidable pain. The bounced cheque example is good but that is a relatively minor situation. Do you have a video to show how to deal with pain we cause ourselves, but when something awful happened and we are suffering, but it was our fault that this suffering occurred. For example loss of job due to bad habits. How do we let go and love on?? Thanks so much for your help!!!

.Especially optional pain that we are creating.We are the one that create this nightmare.THANK YOU

Barbara, thank you for sharing this information. I hadn't heard about cognitive reframing before, but I love what I learned.

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

So glad it was helpful!

Optional is very useful word.I didnt think that way .thank you so much

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Terrific that you were able to pull that concept out! Hope it helps!

absolutely helpful,,, I keep forgetting that I am keeping the second arrow in place

Great information. Lots of people could learn from this. Thanks for the video

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

You are welcome! I'm so glad you found it interesting!

Incredible tips and explanation of the concepts.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you!!

excellent topic I can relate to the optional pain or second arrow

@BarbaraHeffernan

11 ай бұрын

I truly find this so helpful!

Superb

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks 🤗

I love your videos. very informative and useful. I love the way you present too.. very casual and conversational. Thank you

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome! Thanks for letting me know!

I have my first session of CBT this week which I’m really excited about. Your videos are just a great taster for the better life I have to come! :)

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

So glad to hear they were helpful and I wish you health and healing!

This is the first video i watch from this channel and it added so much value to my day, thank you so much for creating this kind of content 💛✨

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome, and thank you for letting me know! And welcome to the channel :)

Great analogy

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks!

@wertyjb30

4 жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you for the work you. The body keeps score is great book and i will check out your other recommendations as well. My question is once you have helped the client work through the second arrow, what do you implement to help the client manage and maintenance the 1st arrow on a daily.

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

@@wertyjb30 well, the first arrow is the unavoidable suffering. We all have that in our lives, and we all will going forward. Having support for those hard times is very important - good friends, self-soothing techniques, bringing in enough positive, etc.

@wertyjb30

4 жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you, great information!

Yoga helps the arrows 🎯 for me too. Thank you Barbara very interesting 🙏

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, yoga can be super helpful!

It's very useful and helpful when you weave in ideas and ways of thinking that are compatible with and pre-date modern psychology. Humans have been addressing the same kinds of psycho-bio-social struggles that we all struggle with today but through undocumented (to us) trial and error for centuries and there is so much value in that.

Lovely message. You make others understand better. I knew already this concept but it was not clear. You clarified it better. Thank you so much for the good message

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome. Thanks for the feedback!

2nd arrow of pain.... VERY COOL. 😎⚘👣💚 VERY HELPFUL! THANK YOU💚⚘💚⚘💚⚘💚

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

So glad this was helpful!!

Barbara, I love this video and all of your videos. Keep them coming! I am a licensed therapist, as well, and I look forward to your content!

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Thank you! And thank you for letting me know!

It was such an eye opener the second arrow of suffering. Thank you, will certainly be using it in my personal life as well as for my clients. I work as a homoeopathic consultant & mental health counselor. I have also subscribed to ur channel, looking forward to more learning

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Terrific! So glad it is helpful! And wonderful that you can pass it on!😀

So very helpful!!! Just sent away for the PDF. Thank you!

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

I totally love your videos... 🤗🥰... Your voice is warm, I understand how you connect ideas, easy to digest... And a warm and friendly approach.... Thanks, Doctor! 🤗❤️🌷

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

This helps immensely thank you. I’m going through it right now and all the information doesn’t change the physical part of it but I know it does down the line. I

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

So glad it was helpful... yes, give it time! You might want to combine it with this series I have on other ways to address the physical symptoms: kzread.info/dash/bejne/dmZ4uq6fqL28m9o.html

I find CBT the most helpful even just practicing it without a therapist. I am grateful to have found your channel with such helpful advice.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Wonderful! So glad you are here, and I hope the videos help!

Hey. It's indeed an insight given... As a therapist, this knowledge adds value to my practice. Thank you.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

So glad to hear that!! Pass it on :)

Avoidable pain is due to thinking. Is it his or her inability to understand the situation or inability to do doable or let go the situation. That shift to happen how CBT help. Shift from negative to positive.

Thank you, Barbara. This was a great reminder! Just last week, I reacted on someone' s negative core beliefs which this ( relatively unknown person to me) person hit me on my face. I reacted and so on. I caused myself pain. It was totally inappropriate how this person behaved, but so was my reaction coming from not being awake. I want to remember this wisdom of the second arrow. Thank you once more, Barbara.

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Jane: Thank you for letting me know how this resonated with you! I find it a SUPER helpful tool.

Yes, I see this often around. And people even take a second arrow of pain when they see you getting around the optional pain. So sort of cultivating it. They're ignoring signs that whould be helpful for them. And thank you. Your video's are very helpful,.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for letting me know!!

cool video!

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks!

As another line of thought on a bounced checks-parallel to what you had said regarding them. Back in the day I literally used to think that the bank was a scary place filled with judgmental people that I would have been absolutely mortified to call and talk to about a bounced check or a fee related to a bounced check because I thought their rules were iron clad written in stone and I would have to pay no matter what. Now I know someone personally who works for a major bank in customer service and I got the lowdown on part of her job. ALL DAY LONG she gets calls on bounced checks or overdraft fees. She gets yelled at, cursed out, and called the worse names possible all day long by angry indignant people thinking the bank had “made a mistake on their account” Never be afraid to ask that the overdraft fee be forgiven! She does it all day long for the nice, polite customers lol! Although I haven’t had a bank overdraft in many years, about 5 years ago my stepdaughter was on our family plan for cell, and ran up about $500 bill over on data. I called the cell company, asked to have the fees removed and they did it! I also was proactive and put things in place so it would never happen again.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing! Yes, we can get intimidated by systems... instead of realizing that, to a certain extent, and in some ways, they are set up to work for us. Being assertive can be helpful! (And what a stressful job for your friend since so many people are not assertive, but aggressive!)

Exceptional advice more youtube therapist need to give useful information for understanding these conditions and their roots. thx!

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

That awesome painting your mom did looks like a picture. So good. It sure can use a better frame. Reframing to open it up.

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

hmmmm... I think the frame looks better in person, and it is now on a smaller wall . But I can tell you are an artist and I will think about that!! Thanks!

Wow! Bingo! My therapist in Norway mobbed me, my therapist was my narc.

It is 9:45 am and the thought patterns you mentioned….I have been doing some of this. I beat myself up if I make a mistake and I even know where the core beliefs came from after watching your video. I think you explained it well. Childhood traumas do have an impact on how I view things. Nice to know there are tools to reframing the thinking. No secondary or optional thinking when something happens. I like this.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

So glad this was helpful for you. Wishing you health and healing!

Never heard of the second arrow. But, wow, am I ever guilty of doing that. I will now know what to do when it pops up. Ty

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

You are welcome! Glad it was helpful!

Your concise talks are so helpfu.; never mind $ saving - just costs me time, a pen, and a notepad. Oh, and a calm mind my anxiety, hypertertion, is not interfering right now! Thank You 🙏 nomaeste ...

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for letting me know how meaningful they are to you! 🙏

Wow...this made so much sense to me! Really helped me with understanding why layering emotions isn't healthy. A second arrow for me was being taught that when I stubbed my toe, God is punishing me. I've been trying to reframe that one for few years. Thanks!

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Oh, yeah, that is a good one to reframe! Not uncommon. Hope this helps!

Thanks Ms. Heffernan! I compulsively think in terms of what I should have done regarding painful situations/relationships in my past. I also fail to fully process an old relationship that I shame myself for still hurting from. Both of these frames of mind express a rebellion against reality. Let's get to work, baby!

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

So terrific you are ready to do the work!

@atulct

2 жыл бұрын

Dear that's my story

I absolutely loved the concept and you explained it wonderfully. I would ask more questions of what tools would you recommend for helping with grief and pain that just surfaces over a permanent separation.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Good question - and a good idea for a future video. Sorry to hear you are grieving, and I do hope this is helpful for you! All the best, Barbara

I’m working on healing all these second arrow injuries

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

That is terrific!

I never really comment on videos but this was so helpful to me..thank you, I'm now looking for ways that I can deal with the optional pain. Any suggestions would be appreciated 😊

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

So glad the video helped! Thank you for letting me know.

Any videos on health anxiety? I’ve been suffering for 20 years

I love your videos. But I would really appreciate if there are no superimposed images during the video.

Barbara ..thanks so much for sharing your professional wisdom! I would like to ask you this though, what happens when as a child you didn't get to form/shape ...(experience?) a ''frame"" ? ..does this require further, more complex psycho therapeutic work? ..of a different sort perhaps?

@BarbaraHeffernan

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Mariu: I'm wondering what the reason is that a child would not get to form a "frame"? Is it because the adults in their life imposed a frame? If that is the case, there is a frame in there that the child has, perhaps one of always feeling wrong or confused. Does that make sense? And if my response is off base, I maybe don't understand the question.

Thank you. Could I pls have the op? I can function alright. Physically not so easily.

Hi Barbara you are god words !! i am lowering the speed to .75 and listening again and again . your helping hand is a help to a loosed human. please advice me you say structure is formed at childhood my problem starts at when i was 8th to 9th class or may be when i was in 11 th standard ,not i am 43years of age can we consider that age as childhood , or childhood is from birth to the age when i got to 8th to 9th standard as till 8th class i was fine all was good to me . i am learning a new life from your video's

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

I am so happy the videos are helpful, and I appreciate you letting me know! Yes, events throughout our lives impact us, and the pre-teen and teen years are also very formative.

🙏

I am constantly pushing the second arrow in thinking, brooding on past hurtful events. I now have a framework to think about my situation. I feel confident that i will now find a way to get out of this mess. Thank you Barbara for donating such helpful knowledge. Your examples and sketches help a lot in understanding the content.

@BarbaraHeffernan

2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome, and I'm so pleased you are seeing a way out of that habit!

Fantastic very helpful. Somethng I will take away with me forever. I am interested to know what peoples thoughts are between the what people call Stress and Anxiety?

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

Stress is an every day situation - we actually need some stress to function - it is just when it gets overwhelming that it is bad for our health and our functioning. Anxiety is worrying about a future outcome. Does that agree with your views on this?

@BarbaraHeffernan

4 жыл бұрын

AND - I'm so pleased it was helpful!

@mreds4058

4 жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan thank you so much for your reply. I really do appreciate it.

how much of our anxiety is about things that may never happen.....Thank you

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

You are welcome! Hope it is helpful!

I am on MEWE

Cant find show notes for transforming negative thoughts. I do this all the time even though I know there is no truth to these thoughts but the thoughts make me anxious! How do I stop doing this?