Jono, I completely understand. I was manipulated and gaslit by my mother until I was thirteen and moved in with my dad. She was so vain and controlling that I wasn't allowed to think for myself. I was beaten, physically, and verbally abused by my older brother and older sisters. I was bullied in school. And if I were ever to ask why they treated me this way, they would say, "Because you're fat and ugly," as if that were an acceptable answer. At fifteen, I began developing an eating disorder. I would walk/run twelve KM a day and skip meals. And even after losing the weight, it still wasn't enough. I ended up settling for abusive partners because I thought this was the best I'd ever get. I was the problem, I was unlovable and I was just wrong. I'm now twenty-six, I haven't spoken to my mother since I was eighteen, I haven't spoken to my brother or sisters since I was twenty-one, I eat regular meals, go for walks in the rain, I'm getting married soon and I've finally realised that I am enough. All these people who have hurt me, they had their own problems, and hopefully, they'll grow and become better versions of themselves. I just don't need to be around for it.

Jono, my mom mocked me when I cried. That and other "micro-traumas" (what a great phrase!) led me to conclude that I too was unloveable. I could so relate to your experience. Thank you for sharing that.

@PandaMonium92827

10 ай бұрын

What generation were your parents? I'm noticing a pattern.....

@AmeliaOak

10 ай бұрын

My mom mocked me when I cried too. She would mimic my face and tell me "You look so ugly when you cry." That and religious "micro-traumas" led to my own self loathing too. To the person asking about the generation of the parents, my dad was born in the first year of Gen X, and my mom was born in 1971 so she was also Gen X. Dad's views were closer to boomers than Gen X, imo. I know you weren't talking to me but

@sorshae.elsbernd

10 ай бұрын

@@PandaMonium92827 they were born in 1945.

@Aashbard01

9 ай бұрын

I adore vulnerability and find beauty in it, crying is human and it should be validated and given attention, I want you guys to know that I would never mock you for your tears because they are your emotions and no one can take that away from you. I take my heart out to you, keep being vulnerable. I cherish vulnerability🤗🙏🥹

Would like to see more of your videos covering childhood traumas of: -Mental abuse both at home & at school - At home: a narcissistic parent's feelings taking precedence over your own & the other parent supporting this also over their child -Chaotic events happening at home on a weekly/daily basis -No discussion on such events within the home -Discussion as an adult to an older parent who views the past differently. - Thanks

@itzmeeazriel2712

8 ай бұрын

I would also love to see them cover this.

More videos would be great on childhood trauma. Anything on CPTSD would be appreciated too. Interested to hear your take on this.

My greatest challenge concerning my childhood trauma has been trust. How do you trust people when almost everyone you've trusted has shown themselves to be untrustworthy or unreliable in one way or another? How do you feel safe with being vulnerable with others when you don't feel like you can trust anyone?

@mtorres9069

10 ай бұрын

These are great questions. I would love to hear what they say about this since I want to know this answer too.

@Aashbard01

9 ай бұрын

It takes time, to trust again, I'm not a therapist or mental health professional by any means, but build it with those who show you genuine kindness. Be patient with yourself and take your time when opening yourself up to others, while accepting the kindnesses of others, if you feel safe to do so. Just take it one day at a time and seek help from others. Don't rush and be kind and patient with yourself, my friend🥹🥹🤗🙏🥺🥺

Micro-traumas makes so much sense... I'm most likely have a healer personality and ADHD... So I was different from the other kids, was bullied for it and is sensitive person... Not a great combo... To top of the mountain of "fun things" all the people I thought was my friends ghosted me when I switched schools after 7th grade to get away from the bullying... Things got SLIGHTLY better at the new school, but it wasn't until I started high school things actually got better I'm doing better now though...Still dealing with anxiety, but I've learned to trust people more, trying to be clearer with people if they have crossed a line, like yesterday when someone unknowingly called me by I nicknamed that people used to tease me with and that I've learned to hate because of it... He apologized (even though he couldn't possibly have known) and accepted that boundary I even have this bunch of weirdos that are genuine and caring friends~

Very helpful. I disagree with the implication that life threatening experiences are traumatic experiences. Growing up in a verbally abusive home is traumatic. The victim may never believe their life is at stake due to the parents' cruelty but the consistent experience of verbal abuse is traumatic.

@wolfgoddess15

10 ай бұрын

yup. I agree with that. I have been verbally abused, and it wasn't exactly life threatening, but it was painful enough to last me to this day.

@Nashleyism

9 ай бұрын

Neglect, dissaproval, lack of acceptance and love is life threatening for a child. It's a danger of not being taken care of and being abandoned. Which for tiny human beings is a life threatening experience as they can't survive on their own for a long time.

I always have to mention nervous system regulation when I come across trauma content! Psychology and narrative-based work is so brilliant but somatic work is just as key. Irene Lyon is my go-to person on yt for this work and I think so many people in this community would love her stuff. ❤

This could definitely go under childhood trauma. What if you didn’t grow up feeling loved and want to find someone to love you? I’ve been struggling with this all my life

@GemR38

10 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry you grew up feeling that. No one deserves to feel unloved as a child. Be kind to yourself. Recognise that what happened was wrong and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Let yourself grieve the loss and go through feeling it. Cry if that happens, let it all out. Then write down what you like about yourself. What you are proud of yourself for. You have value in just being you. Once you can see it for yourself it'll be easier for others to see it too. Keep your self respect in check. Yes you want love but only give your time to those who treat you with respect, patience and kindness. Treat others how you would like to treated and don't tolerate to be treated any less for yourself.

@Purpie_Slurpie

10 ай бұрын

neglect, both physical and emotional, is also a trauma, and your experience is valid ♥

@Tina-zz5kt

10 ай бұрын

It's called developmental trauma

I agree with Micro Traumas,, you are awesome Jono! Alicia thank you for being articulate. I never felt loved by my parents being the middle child (they focused on my older and young sister, i can disappear and no one would notice) and all the micro traumas has formed my need of validation from people that I value instead of just valuing myself. It is still a struggle, I feel you Jono, Hating the parts of you need to improve. The power of vulnerability and accepting that you are NOT perfect BUT you are valuable. Thank you for being around Mended Light!

how do i get over childhood trauma if i'm still in that toxic environment? i'm 17, so i'm still dependent of my family in almost every aspect of my life (recently i got a job, so it helped a little about feeling more independent) and i will probably live here for a couple of months more

@sorshae.elsbernd

10 ай бұрын

When I was in this phase of life, I'd sing Wilson Phillips song, "Hold on for one more day." I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Hold on. You are so close to being able to be independent. You will get there.

@GemR38

10 ай бұрын

I'm sorry to hear you are in that situation. I was once in a similar situation as a teenager so here's a bit of advice based on my experience. Try to recognise that while things are bad now they don't always have to be this way. Think about where you want your life to go and put your efforts into manifesting it. If you want to go to university/college, get right on that. Do the best you can in school. If that isn't the path for you, ok. Finish school the best you can and use the job you have now as a starting place to maybe work full time and move out. Moving out would be hard yes but so worth it. Knowing you are coming to your own home of your own choice and not to a toxic environment is liberating in every sense of the word. It doesn't have to be much just a start. Everyone starts somewhere and who knows where it could lead in the future. Look in your community for advisers, organisations and charities. If there are some around talk to them. They are there to help, take the help. You can always give something back one day once you are on your feet. Lastly please remember that your past does not dictate your future. You choose who you want to be. Try to learn from all your experiences and use the knowledge to do good. If your family are abusive as soon as you can move out you don't have to have anything to do with them if you don't want to. Family is who is there for you, loves and supports you. Blood doesn't mean family. Sometimes the families we choose and create for ourselves are much healthier than the ones we are born into. I wish you all the best.

@marysmith2060

10 ай бұрын

It's hard for the time being. It will get better. Once you move out, you will be able to build a life that validates you, invite people who support you and an environment where you can make mistakes. If you make mistakes, it's ok. How you handle mistakes or frustration is important.

@Dreamheart101

10 ай бұрын

I would like to know that, too!

I relate to Jonos story. I was also bullied as a kid all through elementary and middle school, and it wasn’t an issue until I began to think _I_ was the problem. I came to the conclusion that I must be a bad person, and I deserved to be bullied. (My siblings sometimes say they were mean to me as well, but I’m not totally sure what they are talking about). I won’t go into all the details, but I continued to feel bad about myself for years until my mom told me a story of when I was in first grade and my Tourette’s started acting up in class, and all the kids backed away from me. Once she said that, I understood exactly what actually happened. My Tourette’s made me twitch and act weird, and since kids don’t understand conditions like Tourette’s, they avoided me at first. Then, they picked on me, and it just evolved from there. It all made sense with that one story, and I felt soo relieved because I knew it wasn’t me. That being said, I had been socially isolated for all of elementary and middle school because of this, and as a result my social skills were garbage and super delayed. I realized that I didn’t even know what good treatment looked like too, because sometimes people would comment that people were treating me badly, and it just seemed like they were saying normal stuff to me (this also resulted in me accidentally hurting peoples feelings because I would say things that were hurtful, but I thought they were normal). I’m happily adjusted now though, married and have a fine career in physics.

Yes. Sibling death (fav son), Mom's expectation for youngest son to be as intellingent and matured as oldest son. Being sent to a caretaker most of the time and felt closer to the Nanny due to Mom & Dads grief. Afraid to connect with parents.

Recently I read The Trauma of Everyday Life by Mark Epstein and I recommend it It offered me a chance to trust and understand myself in a way I didn't know I lacked

What a powerful video! At about 9:45 i literally gasped and began to cry. I always say everyone has worth but I forget that I’m a part of “everyone”. Thank you for the reminder and the book recommendation.

Yup my dad was beat as a child, then when raising us was less harsh but still too harsh on the oldest, oldest to the younger, then me being youngest was slapped around a little but verbally yelled at a lot. Now we're all cool and my dad really softened by the time I was born......well especially physically. Kids are school would bully but because of my home life it was never that bad. No self esteem but I was toughened

Question (specific topic) : in a family where there was incest, once an adult, how to open the conversation in order to talk about one's own experience but while sparing one's loved ones? The fear of speaking faces the need to assert oneself and it is a perpetual fight between the two, how to know how to dose to open up to others without creating additional conflicts? Thank you for this channel, i binge watched a lot of your videos since last week ! And thank you for sharing about self loathing and conflict avoidance, it resonates with me.

@mathildekgm2382

6 ай бұрын

Maybe by having one to one conversation. Christmas dinner is not the right time. But talking will give you respect from people you can love and respect, freedom and access to a new adulthood.(sorry for my poor English but I felt concerned) And those who can't or won't listen are not ready, and may never be. And maybe they don't deserve your love anymore. what does it mean to be loved without the whole story? You have to be ready to mourn some relationship. That is the price, but not too high, to be yourself. Courage et bon Noël !

@AnnaxelPean

6 ай бұрын

@@mathildekgm2382 I wrote this comment 3 month ago and never though of doing this during a family dinner. And yes, it's better to adress that individually and not as a group thing. But even on one by one, how do you start this a conversation like this one ? That was my question. Do you say everything or do you keep things for you, just so you don't trigger to much that person ? Like for example when they'll jump to the conclusion like "oh i'm not a bad mother" because you just explained one thing that hurted you all thoses years. Because once we're there, they won't be able to hear us anymore... Oh mais je ne fête pas Noël mais merci et bonnes fêtes à vous si c'est votre cas ! Courage et soutien !

I'm an only child (f28) with an undiagnosed adhd mother. We now live in different countries and I have had immense guilt for following my dreams and moving away from her. She won't listen to me when she feels like she knows better which has been pretty much all the time, and I see how she struggles on her own. I try to nudge her to get therapy, but unless I go home and drive her to thw doctor myself it's not gonna happen. All our family has either died or stopped talking to us. Anything on how to cope with your own mental health while also trying to help your parent? Idk what my question is really, it's just so weird being close to 30 and feeling like a child almost like just starting out and having to teach yourself stuff like "it's okay to ask for help" and "my feelings are real and deserve to be felt".

Trauma Release exercises TRE and parts work therapy have really helped me heal my different adaptive behaviours to childhood abuse.

Now I want to travel back in time and hug young Jono 🫂

My dad was both verbally and physically abusive to me as a child. The worst event was when he tried to force me to eat spaghetti. I refused to eat it and he drug me to the bedroom a beat me. And then drug me back to the chair. Screamed at me to eat. I tried and puked. He then took garlic bread ground it in my hair, dumped the spaghetti in my lap and slapped me to the ground. It didn’t end there. My mother had me in the tub and he came in there and slapped me some more. I don’t recall how old I was I don’t think I was more than 6 or 7. I will never eat spaghetti as long as I live, even the smell makes me ill. Many other incidents like this happened throughout my childhood, to this day I have crippling anxiety, I stutter when my anxiety is high, I avoid trying things (especially food), I have trouble connecting to people, and cannot abide any confrontation without spiraling.

@yasminc.89

5 ай бұрын

Omg I´m so sorry for you, I can´t imagine getting so heartbroken and traumatised as a child by a parent...

@twjr2855

5 ай бұрын

@@yasminc.89 thank you

A big thing for me, I'm not going to say I was a perfect child, because no one's perfect, but I was always really good, and I always tried to do anything I could to please my mom, because I was scared of her. I was in kindergarten she was dressing me, and she was trying to put tights on me, and I think I was struggling to put them on, and she slapped me. I remember her once grabbing our TV remote and spanking my leg, and all I remember is that I was laying on the couch. I always did my best to be a good kid, how is a child supposed to make sense of their parents hitting them? My sister and I used to have bunk beds, and I think my sister had hit her face or head on the corner of the top bunk, my dad came in mad, and asked if I hit her, when I told him no, he called me, "Lying bitch!" At 22 living with my parents still, I still don't feel like this is a safe environment. I remember my mom yelling and gripping about something the other day and I said to myself, "I want to go home." And I was in my home. A home where I still don't feel safe.

@Aashbard01

9 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing that, as someone who wants to become a psychologist and nurse people like you are people I fight and work for. Find an older figure in your life or someone who makes you feel safe and gives you love🥺🥹😭 Be safe, my friend🥹🥺🙏🤗

How to work through fear of physical intimacy after childhood trauma?

My parents would say they loved me all the time and i now know thats called love bombing which is a manipulation tactic. They financially supported me as long as i played by their rules and as soon as i did something they didnt like, id get the boot then my dad would talk my mom into not kicking me out because it would make her look like a bad parent. I still struggle with self doubt over my experiences. "Were they right and i was just a bad kid?" But then i remember moms drunken rages and manipulative narcissm, and how my dad literally watched this woman almost kill his kid roght in front of him and he just "wanted everyone to get along" Now my mom is using her diagnosis of breast cancer as a way to scapegoat me because i wont talk to her. Dad pushed the issue and now we no longer talk. All she had to do was say "i was a piece of shit for trying to murder my only child because something pissed me off and now ive screwed up my relationship with my only child." Mind you i am not dismissing cancer at all. Half my family is dead from it and ive also had it myself. She didnt give a shit about that either.

So I didn't have it traumatic childhood, but I definitely have childhood trauma. It's weird realizing that in my late 30s early 40s...

Understanding your PTSD from an event that happened when you were younger but no one talked about it (SA from family member)

11:47 I refuse to believe I'm worthy of love, I am unlovable and I've come to terms with it, the thing is if by any chance I was worthy of love and/or loved, why did I not feel it? that just proves my point that I'm unlovable

Can you guys adopt me? You already remind me of my dad

How about the physical manifestations of childhood trauma? And the emotional flashbacks that you don't immediately know why you get..

Wow, the guy's experience with bullying is almost the same as mine, except it was girls, not guys who bullied me. The majority of victims AND, most importantly, perpetrators of bullying in school statistically speaking are women, and unfortunately, it is not socially acceptable to talk about it or they're given excuses for their behaviour where we hold male bullies accountable and expect them to be responsible. Of course, responsibility should be placed at an age-appropriate level, but in my experience, those girls went on to become mean women, because the behaviour was never corrected, so they learned they could get away with doing to others what they did to me. To this day, not one of them has ever once contacted me to apologise, and I doubt they ever will. Not that I need them to, I've made peace with that period of my life and as you say, you have to find your 'tribe' so to speak, but the fact of the matter is that closure and realisation on the perpetrator's part is quite rare, and unfortunately we live in a society that even glorifies these individuals. The same goes with roommates. There are a disturbing number of women who believe only men are capable of monstrous behaviour, and that, if left alone, women would live in some kind of utopia. I'm not sure what led to these delusions, but they'd probably be surprised to know that I was made homeless in the middle of a pandemic by a group of women (my ex-roommates), I indeed was very reluctant to ask for my needs because I could sense they were hostile and unsafe, my physical health and mental health certainly began to deteriorate and I developed seizure/fainting sensations, that have worsened to date (it's been about a year now since this happened), but yes, there was no man who ever did to me what these women did, and there is nowhere to go because society doesn't care unless you are a woman who was abused by a man/can be weaponised for someone's political fights. It's disgusting. Fundamentally, I had a narcissistic mother, so my relationship with other women has been complicated from the beginning due to that, and it's echoes of the same thing, where society overlooks their cruelty because they are women, and they are able to operate from the shadows. Feminists have especially made it easy for them to do so, although I do not think that all of them are malicious and some even have morals and a sense of justice, it is their preconceived notions that allow them to be easy prey for manipulative women like my mum, who did manipulate a feminist lawyer for free representation for about a decade before she finally got tired of it, and posed as a battered wife when she was, in fact, the abuser in her relationships not only with her husbands, but with us, most importantly. But she was/is very skilful, and hides it well. I'd also add that your impression of men's restrooms being disgusting is very much stereotype. I can understand why, due to your experience, you'd be more partial to women so I won't judge you, but in this house where I used to be, the bathroom would be disgusting with toothpaste all the time and one of them even left a bloody PAD just there, next to the sink. One had a dog, and she would not pick up after it, so we'd have dog poop IN THE HOUSE for days, because she never bothered to toilet-train the dog. It was just Hell on Earth, and the landlord did basically nothing about it, ,because all she cared about was getting rent money (it was a shame, because it was a beautiful property, I don't know how she could look at the pictures and videos I had to send to document this was in fact happening/the dogs were destroying the place [she eventually brought a man to stay, and his dog also stayed, lying to us that she had the landlord's permission when she didn't, that dog was at least toilet-trained, but there was an incident where she decided to go to the beach and no one was there to take care of the dogs, so even if that other dog was trained, obviously she can't let herself out and relieve herself -- there was dog piss and poop EVERYWHERE, in the middle of July. It was so bad I had an asthma attack, and the landlord did nothing. I still have all this evidence on a Google Drive, though I don't have the money to sue anyone for damages, sadly, and no organisation will ever help me because my abusers were not men. I understand and do not want to take from your experience with male bullying, I am sure there is no 'ideal' person or demographic, we are unfortunately ALL capable of awful things, and likewise, anyone can be target of evil. But it does hurt when you say things like that because, in my experience, it has been men/my male friends who have helped me, and certainly my now-husband who was able to heal me from all this trauma I've experienced as far back as my childhood with my narcissistic mum, and made me see myself as lovable for the first time in my life. It is best, therefore, to avoid putting entire demographics of people down, the only reason I specifically highlight women in my story is because it is important to it, and the fact society treats women with kid gloves/doesn't hold them accoutnable as far as Western society goes [other places are VERY much not like that, and the opposite is in fact the case, which is also awful and I would never advocate for that, either], in that it was this element that allowed both my mum and the women bullies in my life to get away with what they did, that a man would not have been able to do because society does place expectations of responsibility on men in the West, exclusively so in a LOT of areas. I would also add that female bullying has a specific dimension in that it tends to predominantly be psychological, whereas male bullying is mostly physical (of course, there can be exceptions, but these are the dominant trends), so it is harder to prove the female-perpetrated bullying, unfortunately, so even if there were people who were sympathetic to survivors, how do you prove psychological attacks? How do you prove, other than someone saying it, that they had secret group text chats where they'd coordinate their stories to lie to the landlord, for example? In this case, it was my lack of documentation and another roommate who was also being bullied by them (she was the first to leave, though I wouldn't learn why until later, when one of the bullies was shit-talking her at a St Patrick's Day party, even though she lied to the landlord saying she had no idea why this girl left, when in truth it was after they had a fight) being too nice to cause conflicts that would lead to the final injustice occurring, and although it was really only two of them who were the main bullies (one being the head of it all, without whom, I don't think the other would have been as bold because she was a follower, we were even friendly at one point before that psycho moved in), the others were bystanders and said nothing/went along with the lies in both cases, and that is monstrosity I cannot even begin to wrap my head around. They all were very into feminism/so-called "social justice" too, so it is very evident they did not practise what they preached in their personal lives, but only used these things to control others/feel superior, and were rotten people on the inside. But to conclude things, don't think women are nice and clean, they very much are not, as anyone. There are some who are, some who are not, and it is best to not put an entire sex on a pedestal, because you'll be very mistaken to idealise one sex or the other. Although I've historically gotten along better with men, and most of my friends are men, I still would not idealise all men as being good and trustworthy/incapable of evil -- clearly, there are bad men in the world too, like your bullies. I think it would help to avoid speaking in absolutes/making snide comments like that, which invalidate other people's experiences/put down people who are good (Hell, the male roommates I've had in the airb&b I'm in rn have been a LOT cleaner than those women were, certainly not bringing their pets to poop all over the place and leaving it for days, or smearing their hair in the shower walls, so you really can't generalise), just my two cents.

Thank you. Nicely done; lots to think about.

I relate to the second one so much.

Love you guys so much. Best couple!

This has to be some kind of conditioning. My mom, until I was 12/13, never used crass words against me, B/C/S. My parents would call me mud & given spankings (both) or pinned where I could barely breathe & had to not freak out more about being crushed, only when I stopped struggling/passed out (Mom). Even now, I could take all the crass words, but if I was called mud, I'm immediately turned back into a child & scared/powerless.

Hello, how can you feel loved again? I also think that I am not loved for who I am, but for the mask I wear and what I had to offer. Also my needs were overshadowed by other more important things at the time and sometimes there was no excuse, I came to believe that I had to win things by my own hand even if everyone told me no, or judged me, or punished me for it. There is just something that I don't understand either, why if I earn my things, in achieving goals and giving myself what I didn't have? Why do I feel empty, unhappy and alone? Also im from México :3

I think I can sum my questions up to one: I learned a lot about how to heal from childhood trauma but I can't apply what I "know" to myself. Like everyone has value and this means me too. But I feel like I am an exception to this and my mind always finds explanations why. How do I make myself actually believe it?

Re: self-worth Has anyone else worked with The High Five Habit by Mel Robbins? I just started the book and the habit a few days ago. I feel like this might be a way to address self-worth without leaving room for judgment and negative self-talk.

How do I reconcile what I perceived as trama as a kid and when I tell other people they think it's no big deal?

@MendedLight

8 ай бұрын

Read the book Real Love and Post-Childhood Stress Disorder. Trust me. You're not wrong.

❤

My main question is how do i patent children who don't have to heal from their childhood

5/5Blueshirts👚👚👚👚👚

Can your personality change over time as you grow up? Or is it fixed by birth? I’m finding this very confusing.

@PandaMonium92827

10 ай бұрын

It's both. We were creatures of habit who were made to evolve. Some aspects are fixed at birth, like your brain development. If you have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, you aren't on the same level as people who don't. But then again you can go through your entire life without trauma and the "nurture" aspect and still have problems, and also if you have a fully developed one yet your whole entire life is shit hitting the fan. This isn't a thing thats black and white, it's like a formula. Some things can't exist without the other, but other things can be completely independent. The human brain is Shrodingers cat

Hey jono doubt u see this can you do a video on being Erica

@VioletEmerald

10 ай бұрын

Oo that would be so fun! Such a show about therapy

@madnessarcade7447

10 ай бұрын

@@VioletEmeraldexactly 😂you get it

Trauma Release exercises TRE and parts work therapy have really helped me heal my different adaptive behaviours to childhood abuse.