Bipolar Disorder & Living In Fear Of Another Episode
Hi Guys!
Thank you for watching. Can you relate to this? I feel like I am living in constant fear of another episode and I don't take good enough care of myself so then I feel guilty. I shouldn't drink so much coffee, I should exercise more, eat regular meals all of these things that are beneficial for those living with bipolar disorder, but I just don't do them like I should all the time. I hate feeling like a bipolar patient all the time, I hate that I pretty much had a psychotic episode after going so long episode free.I have been close to another manic episode but the death of Freddy was so tragic and hard that I had another episode and because I took myself to the hospital, I survived but what if no one was there to see my fall. What if I was alone? It's so freakin hard to live with this on a daily basis. I feel things so deeply and yet it's great to love so deeply you cry all the time but it's not fun also. I am not Bipolar Disorder I'm surviving with Bipolar Disorder. The thought of getting lost again and losing myself so deep inside myself is just terrifying. I feel like most days I just walk around surviving trying to focus on any way possible to turn my pain into beauty with art and kindness towards others. I hope if you have bipolar disorder you don't live in fear like I do. Please be safe guys and TAKE YOUR MEDS!
Here are some other videos you might find helpful and please check out my original music. You can navigate by using the playlist tab where I have everything from unboxings to roller skating but my most important videos are my bipolar manic life vlogs and my original music since a lot of it is inspired by my struggle with Bipolar Disorder and Relationships.
What is Bipolar Mania:
• What Are Typical Sympt...
Bipolar Brain Damage
• Does Bipolar Disorder ...
Making Amends
• Bipolar Disorder Relat...
Bipolar Psychosis--- My STORY
• My First Three Manic E...
Original Music
Look At You
• "Look At You" Live Aco...
The End
• The End
The KZreadr I was talking about was Rawsammi
You can find Paige's art @ditchflowerxo on instagram
my instagram is 1ReveInfini and my other youtube channel is Reve Infini for music only.
Support My Music
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From the Artist:
The piece is called Fugue
It is called Fugue it means something both in music and psychiatry. In music it is used to describe a composition with multiple melodic lines each melody or phrase introduced in one part then developed and interwoven within others. When my mind creates an image of this, it is much to the likeness of that it creates when imagining life diagnosed with bipolar. The whole thing, the performance of life is the song and I the short melody that's introduced as it plays things happen, something, many things happen in each part interweaving notes that play in contrapunt to my nature. Whatever it is that made me sound this way has interwoven with the susceptibility to be taken up by the parts of the song that are madness. Me, the melody arose from an upbringing of constant contradiction a place that felt like way. The sound of chaos is all I've ever known when I can't hear it's tune around me it arises out from where it's woven into me... which leaves me reaching for the touch of something I can't quite name that seems to intersect others so easily.
It's like everyone hears the music from the from the ground their version of the song plays from bars that run along lines drawn from the plants and dirt they've grounded. Their minds observe the bounds of the atmosphere but mine has made a garden that spans something between heaven and earth.
In psychiatry the term is used to describe " as state or period of loss of awareness of one's identity, often coupled with flight from one's usual environment, associated with certain forms of hysteria." Needless to say, mania is definitely a certain form of hysteria, One I wished actual life reflected the image of. I see it when it consumes me, In a state of mental containment I long for the touch of lust to exist I had while manic, but find myself grasping for the life I had before being left in the wake of destruction. That's it, bipolar, two faces, haigh and low. But not really. I'm not bipolar I'm Paige I'm not black or blue. I may be beaten up and bruised but despite where my garden grows I' lush. too. My times of bloom may not easily be predicted, ;but I still experience each season like winter, some are dark. In fact most have been black but looking back I can see the purple peeking through. Purple, the color magic. For as long as I have to.I'll keep reaching, until the notes heard so easily from the ground, carry up into space and I get a touch of what I've been seeing that everyone has and I can't quite name. I just hope it's not light years away.
#bipolardisorder #documentary #mania
Пікірлер: 42
That’s a beautiful piece of art💕
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
She's incredibly talented and I finally put the full story of the piece in the description. It , was long so I barely got it up. But it is beautiful poetry please read it if you get a chance and have a tissue close by.
Thanks for sharing my friend 💯🎉❤🎉❤
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Thank you!
Stay strong! Dont fret too much such an unknown
I have cathares for years ever since my first cat companion of 17 years died. His sister went a year later. And little community cats I befriended were lost the next year. Animal relationships are valid. I always was derived to take care of myself for them. But I was always thinking of my physical health rather than my mental health. I went through years of mistrusting myself with bipolar though and am glad to be at a place of acceptance. Episodes are inevitable for me, I believe. So, I just have a plan in place and stay connected with my doc.
@BipolarPerson
11 ай бұрын
Moss!!! Hi!!! I'm so sorry for your loss. My animals have saved my life too! Acceptance is now my best friend it took so long to get here.
Why were you jailed? There's definitely a need for law enforcement to be better educated in mental health. I know it's easier said than done. But it's nothing to be embarrassed or have guilt feelings about. It's very real and that's why good support is necessary. You're definitely not alone. Blessings ❤
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
It is in the video where I talk about my 4th psychotic episode but basically I went into someone's house and they came home. I was just manic and thought it was a reality tv set. I have videos on what jail was like too in some of my earlier videos. I was also run over by a car in that 4th episode. Fun times....Yes we need different protocols when it is a mental health issues.
@Carol-mj2cg
Жыл бұрын
@@BipolarPerson Thank you.
I love the hair it looks like new highlights.. Your doing great girl it will get easier and easier to catch yourself and adjust medicine if needed instead of going full blown mania o believe it gets easier to control with education and proper treatment
It's so true. It's not just medication, its your sleep, your diet, avoiding stressors, avoiding too much sunlight lol. I stay sober too because of this shit otherwise my meds don't work. But at the end of the day if your meds are taken and your sleeping properly then at least 80% of the problem is taken care of lol
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
😁 I agree.
❤
🐐
Hang in there ... I'm in the middle of fine tuning my medication and worry or feel guilty for my symptoms...
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Thank you. ❤ Good luck, I hope you find the right meds soon.
Hi, thank you for the video. When I get that fear of being taken to the darkest place where I want to disappear, I double up on my diet, sleep, and all the things I'm supposed to do. I remind myself that I have a condition. If I do those things, I feel more in control, less likely to "be taken" but it's also difficult as you know. I try my best to accept and gain control at the same time. Does it make sense?
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Yeah, I just hate that I have to remind myself of that. And I feel so sad for those that don't have someone at home to help them notice if something goes bad. It was so hard losing Freddy and in such a tragic way it's hard to stop seeing those images. I got good sleep last night and I'm gonna try harder to eat right get back to yoga tomorrow. Today we're going to my inlaws so it will be nice to be around family. Thank you so much for your support. I hope your holiday/day today is awesome. ❤️
I just watched the last 4 videos of Sammi and it’s was hard to watch I don’t have bipolar or schizophrenia and her monologue sounds very strange and yes, a bit crazy I also strongly believe she has an ED I don’t really know how to approach a person in this state of mind How do you convince them to go and get help ?
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Yeah..I don't know about ED or if she has mentioned that but mania does cause significant wieght loss. I hope she gets better soon. It's almost impossible to force someone into treatment that is probably why her husband left.. all you can really do is love the person and be there for them in spite of their behavior. If you're ever in the position I made this video a while back. kzread.info/dash/bejne/n56gpKyij7W1qNo.html
Hey! Was your first psychotic episode a manic one? Or was it just an isolated psychotic episode? Because I had a paranoid episode (which looked a bit like a manic episode, extraverted, hypersociable, grandiose delusion) that was followed by severe depression and right now the doctors don't know if it's bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Now I have no symptoms at all
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Yes it was a manic episode. It started with hypomania where I was all of the sudden amped up and could do anything but that quickly devolved into mania and full blown psychosis. In the second part of Radio Killed Kanye the last 30 minutes are about 6-7 people telling their psychosis stories. They are all bipolar. It might help to hear their stories.
Have you ever considered giving someone you trust, a medical power of attorney?
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Yes, I've even talked to my Psychiatrist about it, apparently they are very hard to get, but my husband and I are legally separated should I go manic and try to refinance our place or spend a ton on credit cards. I did pretty much go into psychosis last April after Freddy died and I'm happy I was non resistant to going to the hospital I actually suggested it, I did not know I was that sick but my husband noticed and was freaking out so I went to make him feel better but I really needed to go for myself. It was scary because it happened even though I'm on medication but I think that is what caused me to be able to go to the hospital. We'll have to revisit it. We also need to set up someone to be in charge of anything left to me when if he dies. We have to plan for a lot of stuff people without mental illness do not. It actually really sucks and makes me feel bad typing this. Whatever life goes on right. I'm lucky to still be here. :)
I fear losing it when my father dies. I have had one psychotic breakdown already. I feel like a prisoner in my body and mind. I am on antipsychotic medication but my stress is threw the roof. I have a fear of losing it again or ending up homeless or in prison. My anxiety is so high it gives me suicidal thoughts. I have three attempts. My life is nightmare I can't get out of.
@beautifullybroken3
Жыл бұрын
Not to scare you, but I would take meds and stay on the right medication if you fear something might happen in your life where you can’t or you may not handle it well . I had a complicated relationship with my dad. I had no idea I too had bipolar disorder just like my dad, thanks to my “doctors”. But the shock of losing him was too much for my poor brain, they increased my antidepressant and it sent me straight to mania and eventually psychosis. Its been 5 years and I still havent found the right combo of meds that works for me. Currently in Mania in the middle of nowhere with my dog🙄
@nancygee3137
Жыл бұрын
@@beautifullybroken3 I take my meds. Too scared to come off them.
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
I've been there.. Is there help in your community? Can you set up an appointment with an adult mental health advocate in case of emergency? Just to be prepared and give you some relief for parts of the future that are scary. It's just an idea. I'm not trying to give advice you don't want I just want you to know there are people who care. I think if you google "NAMI near me" it might help to go to a meeting. Maybe they have them online, sometimes it helps because everyone else is going through the same thing.
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
Are you safe? Antidepressants/SSRI's often send people with bipolar into psychosis., please be careful. And get yourself to a hospital. Usually a local shelter will hold your dog until you are out, I know the one I volunteered at has a program where they keep dogs for battered wives and people with health issues etc...
@nancygee3137
Жыл бұрын
@@BipolarPerson I take anitidepressant and antipscyotic and Xanax. I do have a dog and dont want to lose her. I feel so at mercy to life. I have many other disorders as well I have to manage like High blood pressure and rheumatoid arthritis.
Can you work? Maybe online?
@beautifullybroken3
Жыл бұрын
But she is already working online thats why we’re here :) It’s very hard to think of something new to do when you’re in this state.
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
I am fortunate in that my husband supports me. I am a musician and any job I have in the future will be related to that at least that is the everlasting dream. I do youtube because I feel I owe to the universe for letting me still be alive after everything. Plus I need your support and I hope to give you mine. Yes, I could be a barista but my ptsd is so overwhelming even when I volunteer I get anxiety and sometimes miss my shifts. My husband wants me to just focus on music and not even do as much youtube.. I want to go back to volunteering and I hope to do that after summer when I'm more mentally prepared because it is an animal shelter so that is stress even without a mental illness.
@rachaelmclean341
Жыл бұрын
Thanks for checking in despite how you are feeling beautiful lady ❤ I can definitely relate to that underlying fear that it may come back but like you say hopefully it’s easier to spot the signs when on medication.. I appreciate you so much ❤ thank you for showing up, it can’t be easy being vulnerable on a channel like this ❤❤
@BipolarPerson
Жыл бұрын
❤️ Thank you.