“...I’m here, I did the thing, I said hello, now what?” Yep.

@KK-oh2ot

3 жыл бұрын

Puhaha yea story of my life

@SuperLotus

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah. When I got into my late teens I sort of broke out of my shell a bit and tried to socialize, but so many times it didn't go anywhere or they were just superficial friends at best.

I use these strategies too ... the first time I purposely did it, I was going to a weekly thing and the people who initially joined my table kept coming back every week. One week I did an experiment and sat one table over to see if people would go to the table or to where I was sitting. They actually came to where I was sitting so I knew they actually wanted me there!

@MrsTikiGod

3 жыл бұрын

That's awesome and really brave! I have so much anxiety that I question if they want me there but I also am afraid to find out they actually don't.

@Cherrycreamsoda1

3 жыл бұрын

It is such a nice feeling to be wanted. :)

@rebbiejoanthony

Жыл бұрын

I've used a similar strategy in relationships where I felt like I was the one going out of my way to make conversations. I tried an experiment of not being the one to initiate for a week, to see how often we'd talk if I had to rely on the other person's effort. The answer, unfortunately, was not at all. We did not talk at all.

Socializing became way easier when I started meeting imaginary friends.

@arnowinnertz

3 жыл бұрын

👋 you made my day 😂

@joanae8189

3 жыл бұрын

Wow! Thank you for your comment. I do something similar, well if I like someone as a potential friend... I imagine "our conversations" together.😅

@riseandshinemrfriman5925

3 жыл бұрын

I almost missed the irony in your message.

@mayalua1

3 жыл бұрын

damn me too

@HEADBANGRR

2 жыл бұрын

Is it fun talking with Casper?

I thinks this only works if your feel at ease with yourself and the situation so you don't give a weird vibe (guilty of this for SO long). Everybody tells me I'm intimidating so not many people speak to me out of the blue 🙃 BUT when I relax and don't push myself to do anything it has worked

@bonnielass82

3 жыл бұрын

SAME

@sgordon8123

3 жыл бұрын

People read your stress. Find ways to relax more often!!

@lexguttman

3 жыл бұрын

This also highly depends on where you live and the social norms that place has. I love his stuff but thigs like this can be a bit to general to really be useful.

@NidusFormicarum

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly! Relax, enjoy yourself and don't expect anything! Just be yourself and try to have a good time!

@NidusFormicarum

3 жыл бұрын

I think that if you are too desperate and lonely and just think negatively about things all the time, you should start with charging your batteries first. Try to meet up with your best freind if you can and luagh and cry together for a while! :) ... or with you partner if you have one.

I can not express how happy I am that I found y'all. It makes me cry happy tears. I am only 23 so not too old but my whole life I wondered what the fuck was wrong with me and now I finally, finally understand. Of course I don't have a diagnosis and there are a few people in my life that don't believe me because they think only nerdy boys can be autistic. But when I listen to you and read the comments, I understand and feel understood like I have literally never in my life before. I don't know if I'm autistic, but I know that I found a community where I fit in and I finally finally allow myself to be just the weird me. I can not act or change myself anyway, I've tried all my life.

@Pianistp3

3 жыл бұрын

Maybe you should get a diagnosis it might open up other resources for you.

@trucktruckin2291

3 жыл бұрын

In this day and age think hard about getting an official diagnosis. It may hinder you from getting a job you want, or it may leave you exposed to liability in civil or criminal court proceedings.

@gracekajtar4087

2 жыл бұрын

I feel you, Cookie Queen 💛

@Dana_at_LAX

2 жыл бұрын

26 almost 27 yo woman here...i'm on the same boat as you buddy. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the baby age of 5 (which I DO have) but I knew something else was off...my hyper-fixations, friendliness, social anxiety, and awkwardness...never ignore your intuitions :) Good community here

@mexaphysics5191

Жыл бұрын

I was 28 when I figured out. My family still thinks I'm making this shit up to make up for my shitty character. I absolutely hate them for that and I've been cutting them off one by one. Still working on loving myself.

I've made friends by asking people if they wanna be my friend. Sometimes it works, but mostly I just get weird looks

@foljs5858

Жыл бұрын

Pro tip: change it to "wanna hang out" and it because somewhat less weird

Making friends is a cultural thing and changes from region to region. Where I live, the social norm is to avoid speaking to strangers. Literally, you can seat at a place alone and all the people seating next to you won't say anything. You are doing something. People won't ask anything about it. It's really depending of where you live.

@theharmonyofknowledge1286

3 жыл бұрын

Well, if they won't even try to get to know you, then a stranger is all you'll ever be to them. Maybe you could try talking about something that you're really passionate about, and see if it goes anywhere.

@autitrain

3 жыл бұрын

@@theharmonyofknowledge1286Unfortunately it's not that easy. People aren't expecting you to talk to them and will politely decline. People keep their friends from school/university during the entire life. They don't change for the entire life. People aren't expected to make new friends during their life. But it's not entirely black. It's evolving for the younger generation. They are more open-minded. And you can go to clubs where people share a same interest.

@theharmonyofknowledge1286

3 жыл бұрын

@@autitrain What makes them so resistant to trying anything new, is it because that's just the way it's always been? If that's the case, then it's a pretty dumb excuse for refusing to give people an actual chance.

@autitrain

3 жыл бұрын

@@theharmonyofknowledge1286 Yes it has always been like this. It's a cultural thing. People evolves in closed friends group. People are generally reserved and apply it to friends circle. If you're happy with it why changing. You keep reproducing the same scheme. I don't think they should change. It's the local culture and way to live.

@arthurlincoln9093

3 жыл бұрын

I agree. Try starting a conversation on a bus. Only the old ladies want to chat about the weather, younger people look at phones and live in a bubble of their own creation.

This is brilliant! By sitting alone, you are fishing for the most social people in the room, who will think: "I can't let that man all by himself, we should be networking". And these people are often not neurotypical, but "intellectually gifted" and they get along with aspies well.

@r.nicogorodetzky3084

3 жыл бұрын

I’m one of the people who does this (ADHD, not autistic) and this comment made me happy Maybe THIS is why most of my best friends are autistic

@koshak7910

6 ай бұрын

idk i always sitting alone in every situation and no one ever talked to me

My problem is people leaving once I sit down near them, like next table near (no I don't smell) so sitting alone is usually the end result not the start point.

@sgordon8123

3 жыл бұрын

Why not politely ask them for feedback? But is that after you joined them? Paul's idea gets around that. Try filming yourself and studying your own body language. Smiling is great. But the timing of a smile is important.

@cass8330

3 жыл бұрын

@@sgordon8123 How so? With the smiling, do you mean.. don't smile too early? Or too late?

@cass8330

3 жыл бұрын

I think because you're going in with that mindset, you'll end up feeling hurt whether they did leave because of you or not (I guarantee that majority of time its not but our minds can be pretty powerful) It's understandable to see why you'd adopt that mindset, that's the struggles of being autistic &/ having ADHD, your concerns are very valid. Sometimes (when I'm in an unusually easy breezy state) I interact randomly with strangers like old ppl would. You might notice elderly and middle aged+ people.. talk to others randomly in public where they're kind of forced to share the same space. It's like you know the person sort of.. without the formalities.. but not sharing too much either. I catch myself doing that sometimes and it tends to work out but only if I'm in a particular physical state or mood. If someone says something to me first, I don't tend to have good comebacks like I would hope but I try to smile or fake laugh.. even if I didn't actually hear them or understand what they said lol. Sometimes I think I've weirded them out, I probably have.. I don't take it too seriously now or I try not to. Some ppl really are just jerks or having a bad day.. It's not your problem, they do their thing and you go about your life. Generally you don't have to see that person again and that's why it's just not worth worrying over interactions like this that have already happened, think of it as practise instead.

@cass8330

3 жыл бұрын

@@sgordon8123 I didn't use to do this with ppl though, but I think apart of it is that I care less than before.. but not in a bad way (necessarily).. I think it's solidified in my head now that, this stranger doesn't actually affect my life.

@s125ish

3 жыл бұрын

That happens to me, people move around and mingle. I have to move awkwardly after I've been left alone.

Good... I actually have problems making friends and it really takes a toll on me, being that, in the end, I end up secluding myself even more.

I never experienced that kind of behaviour or approach from someone when I'm sitting alone...

@tankgirling

3 жыл бұрын

Same 😂

@kathymiller9591

3 жыл бұрын

Me either

@Franciunico_

Жыл бұрын

Same😅 people straight up ignore me

Perfect delivery with really helpful information. Never thought of the "sitting alone" aspect and how it would help ease that anxiety when there is the possibility someone might say, "No you can't sit here". Thanks for sharing your wisdom and education. It really is valuable.

I think this may be gender specific, I've been told that people were scared to approach me as a lone female in case it came across as creepy, etc. I don't think that problem really exists for males.

@autismunknown4227

3 жыл бұрын

Noone ever comes up and talks to me. Unless it's zombies trying to eat me. Other than that people avoid me I guess I'm just too much of a badass

@autismunknown4227

3 жыл бұрын

@Gwen Riddle 🤣😂🖕👌🤠☣️🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠

@u-neekusername4430

2 жыл бұрын

Definitely gender, age & situation specific! Most males approaching a female alone aren't looking to make a new friend.

@MrLOLsteveLOL

2 жыл бұрын

@@u-neekusername4430 I have so many female friends and for some reason unknown to me, i am apparently really calm (and other really "nice" words :/ lol) etc to be around. Something that is notably different about me obvious to everyone, really i don't know why I have made and met so many kind friends that were female and stayed in touch never falling out... tbh but magnitudes higher than all the men I know.

@u-neekusername4430

2 жыл бұрын

@@MrLOLsteveLOL I was referring specifically to this video's idea of making yourself open to others approaching you...not maintaining friends. Calm has nothing to do w/it (as far as specific to females)...basically I was trying to kindly say that most males approaching a female just have sex on their minds & just play the friend card as a way to buy time. I'm friends with males & have had less "falling outs" w/males over females, but it's a different relationship. It's just different being female...got my 1st stalker at 15 by trying to "make friends" w/male who approached me. It's just different for us & maybe you just naturally know how to keep the boundaries required for friendship, & if so GOOD ON YOU! Keep up the good work...but know we are all different w/different experiences, but all worthy of respect & compassion. 🙂

Oh no, I was sitting alone to avoid interaction... Now I understand why strangers come and join me 🙄

@cheryldaltonchandler8431

3 жыл бұрын

Right?!😂

@Sky-Child

3 жыл бұрын

I do this with my big noise cancelling headphones on

@513regichan

3 жыл бұрын

I did this at school, not intentionally, but some would come up to me and start talking to me. I'm not autistic but interacting with people and striking up a conversation is so difficult

@Cherrycreamsoda1

3 жыл бұрын

But I love it when people come talk to me of their own accord! Haha

Being socially awkward myself (not sure if autism or what), this is how I've always made friends. Just let the people come to me. It always seemed like a cheat somehow, but my methods have been validated by this video. So thanks for sharing this strategy on your channel

@autismunknown4227

3 жыл бұрын

Has anyone told you how beautiful you look lately? if that really is a pic of you your beautiful.

@maiamaiapapaya

3 жыл бұрын

@@autismunknown4227 wow, uhh...thank you so much. Have you checked out my channel? You can see more of my face there. I do silly little music videos and covers

@autismunknown4227

3 жыл бұрын

@@maiamaiapapaya your very welcome beautiful. And no I haven't checked your channel. I'm sure all your videos are fantastic though. I actually didn't even expect a response to my comment. Very rarely does anyone ever talk to me. In person or online.

I’ve been sharing your videos with my autistic grandson, but I love this idea and Grandma is going to use your technique too. Thank you for all you do!

I just wanted to say that it’s really brave of you to be so open and chill about having ASD. I want to be that way someday

Post pandemic...I realized people can't be trusted, especially with my wellbeing. Being friendless is my new coping mechanism, even though it's rather lonely and I morn my early life. We may need eachother as a society, but I'm too vulnerable.

Aspie in foreign country here trying to get started. You have to have a “thing”. I have cycling which I love. It’s easy to talk to cyclists and get into a cycling group. Once you learn the “rules of the road” (literally) I also have rock climbing. Rock climbers tend to be very open minded and friendly. Basically have a “thing”.

@Sky-Child

3 жыл бұрын

Yeah, true. My aspie partner has cars as a SI and mine is gardening. So we meet people that way

@palomas9559

3 жыл бұрын

I want a thing! 😩 I guess I should focus on one thing I like and see how it goes?

@flurkills8780

2 жыл бұрын

Completely agree. the problem I run into is my thing is working on engines. But most people that also do that are not excepting of the lgbtq+ people. And I'm not vary excepting and comfortable around them

@frog6054

Жыл бұрын

I live in college dorm without a gym and I like working out so I would workout in my room and most students my age knows about me working out but others who work out don't really care about me and there is one guy who occasionally join with me which I appreciate.

@flowerchasethesunshine9063

2 ай бұрын

​@@palomas9559 The "thing" is literally just your special interest or one of them. Simple as that lol

It reminds me of what was possibly my very first day at school in the playground. Things haven't changed much for me as an adult but all this advice is helping me see the other person's way of looking and perceiving my actions. Maybe society isn't such a bad place after all.

I really like your choice to share one strategy - it's so much easier to learn it and keep it in my mind. Thanks!

Ive been doing this since my teenage years. This doesnt work for me anymore now that im older. Im glad this still works for you.

Being shy to start conversations, my go to has been to choose a table at the beginning of an event and wait to see who joins me. Inevitably, all the other tables will fill up with the people I'd hoped to talk to before anyone comes to my table. And the ones to come in last and join my table are usually the shyer ones who have nothing to say. Grrrr.

Can do the making friends bit fairly easily, primarily because I'm actually quite happy without any. The hard bit is finding the time and energy to do the socialising with them enough to naintain the friendship at a level that suits both of us. Between work, rest and my interests, there is just no time and energy for them no matter how much I value their friendship. Friendships are exhausting and I end up feeling guilty that I'm not holding up my end well.

Fountain pen ready

Thank you so much! I decided to go to my local rock climbing gym alone because i have trouble making friends and i started to love rock climbing too well now over the course of 2 months i have so many more friends now. Im so emotionally happy i cannot put it in words thank you so much. On the way home after realizing i had achieved this I cried the happiest cry ive had in years. Life doesnt feel so lonely anymore. Its breaking free of something that held me back for so many years. Today i was in a little group of about 5 of us and we had the best conversations and i felt like i was a part of something. I literally cannot put in words how much this video means to me. I called my dad 2 months ago after watching this and talked about giving it a try and here i am. Tearing up just writing this your an amazing dude and seriously thank you so much. For 10 years ive had no friends and now i feel alive again and all it took was a little idea. We all climb twice a week now. I picked rock climbing btw because i felt if i was going to meet anyone the talk would mostly be directed at how to climb a certain course or just debate in general focused elsewhere than myself so it was easier to break out of my awkward shell of finding something to talk about and less anxiety in general because the focus is not on me. Its also something i can share a passion with someone in so i dont have to ask about what they do for a job ect. that comes later but its easier to meet someone for me when im not on the spot asking eachother personal questions that really makes me anxious to the point i feel i am obviously uncomfortable and get labeled weird.

This reminds me of the time I saw my BJJ friend in the street so I ran over all exited and said " Hi ! ". Then I just stood there smiling like an idiot until he finally took charge of the situation .

@m.filmtrip

3 жыл бұрын

Your name seems to have a story behind it 🤔

Well.. i do feel incredibly uncomfortable when sitting/being alone in public/organised places or events, so I am pretty sure I won't be capable to apply this tip, but would love to hear other tips as I constantly struggle with making and keeping friends.

@juanamool7535

3 жыл бұрын

Something that my therapist told me that was game changer was "being there is more than enough" and I try to remember it so I don't put the extra pressure to do more than that, because is that I should or shouldn't be doing X that makes me very anxious and pushes people away (because they can't tell your are feeling awkward)

@Deadsea_1993

3 жыл бұрын

Social media can actually be a great thing for people on the spectrum like myself. Social media can be a double edged sword, but it can be great with connecting with others too.

I know this is an innovation, but I liked the old way the video was making : you sitting on your desk. An other change I have to deal with. Despite that, you video was still amazing. thank you Paul

I am going to watch this with my friend. I hope we can learn something about making friends!

@butterplum2053

3 жыл бұрын

It may not be the same if you're not completely alone

Great content as usual. Love the new background! One little tip for the lens/recording... When a higher F/apperture numbers is used (ex: f/16 instead of f/8), you will have more depth of field in focus. Also, you can compensate for the lack of light with higher ISO, or slower shutter speed since it is a stationary/tripod shot. ;) Keep up the good work Paul!

Omg the sitting alone thing is so clever

Very cool 😌 thanks! Love the hand covering the camara view before stopping video, nice touch! 😎💯

I've always been the type of person to sit alone or opt for a larger space... alone. I never really understood why, but over the last few years things have been clicking into place and it's just a wait for an official assessment whilst I've overloaded my life with what this, what that, what are the differences, how many this, Ohh that's strange, I did that and other stuff in a never ending cycle of mental chaos that's went on for far too long. Obviously when you are older, sitting alone isn't a great thing and I adopted similar strategies like in this vid, and even if I was far out of my comfort zone, but I tended to tell myself 'Anxiety is largely a temporary state, unless compounded by other elements you can't control, but pushing a little further every time made the abnormal become the normal.' I still feel anxiety in such situations but personal social engineering has helped me get by.

Nice tip, probably useful if I can train myself to do it in some situations, but I don't necessarily feel like I'm making the effort or making friends that way, friendship is deeper than an initial conversation! There are plenty of people I can maintain a friendly connection with. I can feel exposed and frustrated sitting alone and my attention might wander so I'm less approachable and less ready to talk when someone approaches me. Perhaps people think I'm not wanting company anyway. Except when people read you as a woman, you also get a different set of interest and interpretation. Perhaps slightly similar to being a KZreadr with a profile, or having some other aspects that pique almost paradoxical interest but I wonder if in that smaller community of KZread women would feel comfortable sitting alone? I can see it going either way. I know some women influencers, not necessarily autistic, have talked about safety concerns. I think there's been a few incidents. My friends have noticed that I often end up talking to the random people, the even more socially unusual or sometimes antisocial and attracting them too: it can be a positive but in a related way I'm afraid I'm not always as invested as I perhaps should be: it's not always the case that I really want to be in that conversation even if I initiate it, sometimes it's an anxiety as to whether that person is treated fairly or is managed well, trying to play the rescuing hero or at least being the person most likely to prevent escalation - trust me, it's been easier irl in the pub or the street than it looks when I interact online rn. Your strategy probably does work best at conferences with a somewhat selected or self selected audience, maybe a closed venue and where the common purpose is clerarer. It's mostly been church, political and arts, LGBT+ and community events I've needed a strategy to overcome those issues. I think I have used the sit on my own strategy but sometimes I just end up awkwardly talking to bar staff - or throwing remarks to passers by! Friendly enough but often misunderstood! Also sometimes I just need to sit somewhere as I'm late and milling about feels really awkward. ADHD/dyspraxia traits also come into this. I find it hard to just bide my time, but need to sit to ground myself and not fall over people. So sometimes that means table sharing and trying to do it well. I also find that sometimes regardless of any other anxiety I need to move to some people I might know - even if it's just slightly - in order to ground myself, having first tried to sit alone or over network or both: I sometimes have sat alone to avoid a feeling of self consciousness, avoid a feeling of being judged or making others uncomfortable and give myself room to just be, maybe in a larger than life way that people can read many ways. I like to try to be a good audience and engage, often this means with my whole body: to clap properly, to lean forward and listen intently, to dance and sing loud enough and satisfy my senses with what a good audience should look, feel and sound like, if properly warmed up: and being so, it's something an audience should take some responsibility for, or so I was told at school and have really believed. But that is often out of step with others around me and can beget an uncomfortable momentum where I am trying to overcompensate for that, to save the NTs from themselves! And on a totally different score, going back to an earlier point, rather than sit alone I am aware I need to find and grab people I might like to talk in social events where I know people tend to be easily distracted by other people, even if we're friendly: it's a fine balance though. All those problems you mentioned in the video as problems with intitiating conversations still apply, like not knowing if you're intruding or unwanted and not knowing what to say! But if I want to progress a particular friendship I need to show enough interest myself! And whilst I tend to feel too much and too exposed like that often, when I am seeking people out, in the the opposite side of things when I just sit alone and wait for anyone to come to me I also find I feel frustrated and like it's a poor show, not reciprocal enough like I'm being too passive! So to summarise, sitting alone is a strategy I use but with extremely mixed success and important anxieties, reservations, cautions. It is hard to overcome the anxiety anyway however I approach things, sitting or milling or approaching another table or group. And in all cases, as far as appeasing the NT gaze goes and in terms of pleasing myself even I tend to get antsy and agitated or my mind will drift into something and/or go blank so I'll be unprepared and in the wrong place mentally. So generally look less approachable, less likely friendship material or like I'm in need of a certain dutiful patronage or too vulnerable, or I'm too ready to see that. Betrayal trauma and just not trusting anything or anyone including myself, that's playing a role. Everything is hard!

@dobycorder3206

3 жыл бұрын

Wow, amazing insight in how you experience interactions and your need to get grounded and how you yourself try to cope. I really can relate to your thoughts since most folks find it difficult to put into words. Thank you, 🙏, thank you. Trying to make friends is a long process filled with self doubt. Eeven if you do it perfectly it may take a long time or may not work for that particular person, having nothing to do with you! So frustrating.

Yes maybe in a more social culture but in my culture if you sit alone it means you want to be alone. If I need to be social, I just go to people and ask them questions. I let them feel they are more powerful and experts before I start bringing my own ideas and opinions. I also talk very, actually too, openly about myself and my problems in life. I try to make people feel that I'm open to them and I'm ready to hear whatever they tell me.

I usually try to introduce myself to someone who is standing around alone at a gathering. They are usually an easier target to get a captive audience.

Mine is a recovery program and I've made tons of friends that way. A bit odd, but it really is nice going from place to place and hearing and seeing "Hey Mark, great seeing you". I live in a fairly big city and so it is nice that all of these people know and remember me. Speaking at the places is Natrual, though I still stay "my quiet self" in public for the most part. I don't really like people touching me, but I've allowed it with these people and it makes me happy when they want to hug me. I'd like to see a video on Dating while being on the spectrum. I joke about how if making friends is difficult for us, then dating and asking out someone is even harder.

@quantumblauthor7300

7 ай бұрын

Friends are easy to make in rehab, yeah

imo, these are great suggestions for all sorts of people :) "do you mind if i sit here" is frequently used in US and works quite well. thanks again, will share these with my sons. will share these with my son

Countdown!!! 🎉🎉🎉

“Is this seat taken?” Maybe a little less socially proactive but, rolls off the tongue easier.

When I go up to a table with only one person and ask to sit down, they say that those are reserved and I end up sitting alone

Yep that’s why I’ve given up initiating conversations. I always stand there looking funny after saying hello. If I even say hello 😂

I have always been a shy loner girl who don't know how to make friends BUT when I was 7-10 years old I had a BUNCH of friends for a some reason. I have been wondering how I did it back then. Now I notice the strategy or practice is pretty much this right here. I didn't go to them, they came to ME: I'm just chilling > Somebody talks to me > I think we became friends > I feel chill and confident because they are my friend > They ACTUALLY become my friend.

i do exactly the same thing, the problem is just that no one comes talking to me so i keep sitting alone

👏👏👏 yet again, super helpful, succinct, insightful 👏👏👏

I was searching for a way to help my 4year old..yes he definitely says hi then doesn’t know what to do next! So maybe I will drop him earlier to school so he is one of the ones already there so kids can approach him if they want. See if that works ❤ thanks so much for this video you are amazing and as a mother give me so much hope in my child’s future 😊

Would love to hear more of your tips!

When at public events or parties, I'm essentially Mary Bennett, in that I almost always end up gravitating towards the nearest piano.

@Deadsea_1993

3 жыл бұрын

The piano is a beautiful instrument, I feel the same way. One day, I'd like to have a grand piano in my home

@kukalakana

3 жыл бұрын

But I'm also Lizzie Bennett in that I really need to practise more! 😂

I have recently seen an article analyzing the rate of the growth of autism in population, and it predicted that in 5 years every second baby will be born with autism. Personally, I don't believe that is gonna happen, but I also think there is some truth in it, meaning, a year from now there will definitely be more autistic people. It seems like with all the conveniences the civilization offers us today we need more challenges as humans to remain humans. And challenges of being a person with Asperger's or having to raise a kid who has it ( my case ) is definitely a challenge that needs a lot of understanding and cooperation within a family and the closest circle. So yeah, yout tips and videos are getting more and more useful by the minute ))

Am I the only one who avoids watching these kinds of videos because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to apply any tips shown on the video

@farcamp

3 жыл бұрын

You can do anything you really put your mind to.

@natalyam411

3 жыл бұрын

@@farcamp So right, and also the first step sometimes is all it takes.

@natalyam411

3 жыл бұрын

Our mindset is one major factor that forms our life.

@tiiaj7589

3 жыл бұрын

Especially with Covid rn. These tips don’t work atm. But I don’t think it’s just attitude or mindset that a person needs. That’s a narrow way of thinking. Sometimes you can want something more than anything and try as hard as you are able to and still not be able to do it or achieve it. It’s unfair to make it your fault because you MUST have a bad attitude if you can’t get it. People who say that that is all you need could never have been in an impossible situation or felt how horrible it feels to be told that their inability to do something was only because they didn’t have a good mindset. Some of the worse kind of mental abuse to imply such things, especially when they don’t know you at all.

@farcamp

3 жыл бұрын

@@tiiaj7589 I feel you are making a lot of assumptions that might not be true...I’m a 60 year old person with Aspergers who has lived and learned lots of things along the way. Listening is the biggest helper, if what I hear applies...I take it, if not, I leave it. Attitude and mindset are everything...they are the only things I have otherwise the world would win in its rejection of people with autism. If I can’t do something one way, I’ll try a different way...if nothing works I chalk it up to experience and tell myself it wasn’t meant to be. It took a long time to appreciate my Aspergers...now I think of myself as unique and valuable. I also live in a free state where there are minimal COVID restrictions. I’m sure it makes it much more difficult for those who are locked down tight. Seeing people’s mouths as they talk has always been important, so not seeing them was very depressing and caused a lot of misunderstandings.

Excellent

This is the strategy I used several years or so ago in a town I'd known no-one in. I went out, sat down for a while. I kept my body language fairly open, so that I gave off a 'wanting to be social' kind of vibe. Then one guy said "hey, come over here", and from that one visit out, by the end of the night I had several people who I could count on to sit among and share good (and dumb) times with. :)

Great info thank you!

Hi, thank you very much for all your videos, they are really good help. Not worries, most people we are feeling the same at the same situation. Vulnerable

LOL! I sometimes implement these same two strategies! :)

This was a great tip and nicely shared. Thank you.

Very helpful thank you.

Wow! Who knew it was so easy? But I'm confused - through most of school I would sit myself alone and never really made any friends. Then, towards the end of school, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and make an effort to meet new people myself, *then* I started to make friends. I guess if you are approaching a solitary person and can't think what to say, you could just say, "hey, is this seat taken?". Then if they say no you can just sit by them in a noninvasive manner and perhaps bring up the occasional light question to get a conversation going.

@fatimaallawati947

Жыл бұрын

I agree I am more of an initiator and I have seen good results with that so I agree with you that initiating is BETTER than the non-initiating approach that Paul was talking about. Although I would use Paul's approach if I wasn't feeling particularly sociable. I am not dissing his approach but rather highlighting a potential area for concern.

@Goldflower220

Жыл бұрын

sitting alone it never works for me, it only when i started initiating, people started to knoiw me

Gracias Paul!!

Looking sharp!

Amazing advice!

respect to u my man

Protip: look at people's eyebrows: if they are perfectly horizontal or at an upward angle, it's usually positiv.

I think I do that naturally. If I enter a space in which a conference is about to happen I will search diligently for the part of the room that has the lowest population density. And I will wait for others to pick up the conversation. I’ve never been diagnosed with any form of autism but I do believe that I have complex trauma from childhood. Initiating conversations with strangersIs there for quite difficult.

@DylanT6791

3 жыл бұрын

As an autistic guy dealing with PTSD from a rough childhood, I know exactly how you feel. At best I only have the courage to go up to someone if they are alone. One person at a time is the best I can do, and that can be anxiety inducing enough if I don't know them well. Its hard trying to be socially competent when you have neither the skills nor the confidence.

Pokemon GO is the worst, people would come up to me asking if I was lost, or start a conversation, I wasn't lost I was catching a certain Pokemon, it's too expensive on pay as you go, so I don't go out side.

Sitting by yourself on purpose: A good way to tell who wants to sit next to you, whether they're a person or a cat. By the way, cats are great. And I'm going to use this later. Greatly appreciated, sir.

loved this!!!

I've been unconsciously doing this for years. Great minds think alike!

'sitting by myself on purpose... then, if someone comes.over to join me, they must feel happy sitting with me... however they initiate [interaction], I can then mirror them'... I can also reverse the roles in my head ... it makes it easier to approach people like that ... ask 'Can I sit here?' ... otherwise, I the back of my mind, I'm going to be worrying 'Do they really want to talk to me? Are they just being polite? Do they wish I would leave?' All of those kind of self-questioning things. Whereas, if I say 'Can I sit here? Do you mind if I sit here? Would you like some.company?' then they will actually positively affirm [or not so there is total clarity] '👏👏👏

I watched this video to the end and no friend immediately spawned, disappointing 😭😭

What if it's someone you don't particularly like the look of who asks to sit with you?

@annehislop2449

3 жыл бұрын

@Number Nine could be any, all or none of these reasons. I trust my gut instinct as to why I might prefer one person over another. I think it does depend on how at ease you are with yourself.

Dating is extremely difficult. I don't always know how to put my thoughts into words sometimes. Girls complain about me not holding eye contact. I'm 27 and I've never had a girlfriend but have had my fair share of one nightstands but really do crave a romantic relationship. Never gotten pass a second date though.

@dobycorder3206

3 жыл бұрын

Hang in there! I like another responder who said you have to have a thing, meaning something you are interested in that others also like, that you can talk about and share.

@cassiusnoyb6499

Жыл бұрын

Yea.... I've had no girlfriend over the course of 10 years but lot and lots of sex in those 10 years. It's weird how you get one but not the other.

been sitting by myself for a long time now, with no results

The subtle tip in this video is to be yourself. And feel comfortable being yourself. If you don't feel comfortable initiating the interaction, don't do it. It get worst if you "force" yourself and people asumes you are some way diferent than your truly yourself. And you feel "forced" to act that way the rest of the day or the interaction. That's at least my experience and point of view as a newly selfdiscovered and diagnosed autistic.

@EmmaLemmon

3 жыл бұрын

Agreed. Even if you develop the skill of talking to new people, over time it becomes exhausting if it doesn't come naturally to you.

@quantumblauthor7300

7 ай бұрын

I am so many layers deep in performances that I don't know what my 'self' is

Hi Paul.. thst is a good idea.. depending on where yoy live. Trust me.. if yoy do that in Germany.. you will most probably end up always sitting alone.. and even if someone sits next to yoy, that dors not mean that they eant to talk to you. So, you're right.. but I believe this strategy eorks better in some ckuntries than others. Brsides that.. I also made my best friebds in those same situations.. so it works 👍

It is an okay strategy to use sometimes, what is better is just expressing honestly and shamelessly. When going to talk to someone saying Hi and then saying, "I don't know where to go from here but I wanted to meet you" that works fine also. You can say whatever you feel, :I am not a good social leader but I am pushing my comfort zone to come say hi to you because I was drawn too for some reason." Not everyone is going to respond well because not everyone is a good fit, I am sure you would find people who come sit next to you at the table could also be a poor fit sometimes. Honesty is a huge hack for everyone especially people on the spectrum.

I do all this BUT then can't wait to be on my own again 😢

I love this tip! 😊🙏

What do you do if no one joins?

I'm happy being alone. And dont want any friends

@peggycearnach8034

3 жыл бұрын

I’m with you Jim. Still, here I am - watching this 🙂

@alejandrogangotena9033

3 жыл бұрын

good luck, and may you be well.

I have trouble figuring out where to sit at church functions. Because I am slow to become friends with folks it seems like everyone has little groups of their besties that they like to sit with and its hard for me to know where to fit in. If I sit on my own I can end up with people just passing by and saying hello to me then going back to where they were sitting. I have found I do better when the room is like 75% full and I just find an empty spot in a group that has at least one person I am on a first name basis with.

I gotta give this a shot next time I'm at an event.

thank you so much

It’s small talk that’s really hard for me. But it’s working now.

This must work in American culture, definitely not mine (dutch).. might also depend on one's level of attractiveness if people come up to you to talk.

That’s great if you have places to go and sit like that 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t have regular meetings and I no longer work since I’m retired.

I would never do that, maybe it's like I don't want to socialize, but I notice that wherever I sit somewhere, in a group of people who know me or not, there is always a empty place near my, or both sides. I absolutely don't know why and it's a matter of fact that I feel so scared that people avoid contact. A colleague explained me that at a dinner, I was not diagnosed yet. So making so efforts for try to talk (hum, and say what?), and person comes. I decided to do what makes me the most comfortable : at the end of the table, at the corner, and taking notes, or eat so people leave me alone, and I can go easily to the toilet to stim, because of all the sounds, the colors and the movements makes me mad. I gave up a few years ago. It 's to difficult, and I need all my energy for dealing with my chronic disease, ( and my age 😊) a lot appointments, around 14h from Monday to Friday... It looks little but leave me no time or will to socialize.

I mean, I already naturally do this at parties if I go without either of my existing friends. But it doesn't mean I know how to keep up a conversation. I guess it's worth trying to do a bit more though (once the pandemic is under control, of course).

hi. i'm 48. glad i found you

Thanks

I am too clingy and performatively desperate without enough redeeming qualities to be worth connecting to. I'm starting to doubt I even WANT friendships; If all I can manage is the first interaction, then maybe the thrill of first contact is all I crave. Maybe I'll sling hollow from handshake to handshake until the day I die, and if it saves others the trouble of taking care of my lazy self, then maybe the loneliness is a tax I have to live with.

I just wanna know how to keep my friends In the basement that is

@MrsTikiGod

3 жыл бұрын

you got me. :( I was gonna agree

@TheRealThomas1993

3 жыл бұрын

@@MrsTikiGod Don't worry, I still suck at keeping friends who are willing

@TheRealThomas1993

3 жыл бұрын

@@The-Real-Blissful-Ignorance I usually use duct tape to cocoon them like a spider

I tried both. I keep ending up alone or rejected

I want to make friends but never had them what if this idea doesn’t work?

I found out this week am indeed high function autistic Level 1. I'm 48 years. I have another tumor in my head. I think dating is not possible at this time.

@bean3029

3 жыл бұрын

Good luck! Praying for you ❤️

@joysoyo2416

3 жыл бұрын

Google ip6. It helps autism.

I’m not autistic, I guess. But I did feel the same as you, Paul. I really think your strategy is great. I will definitely try it.

I don’t know how this works for you. I relate better to your analogy of swimming through a school of fish who all move away from me. What do you do when a small group of friends sit down at your table and talk amongst themselves like you’re not even there? This was my experience at the last banquet I attended.

I never thought of it that way, but I'm aways sitting by myself and people come to socialize with me lol

Perhaps the people in Australia are much more friendly than people in Metro-Detroit. I've lived here for 13 years and not a single friend. There was a local friend app, and I reached out to 200 people. I either got completely ghosted or I got one or two word responses. Why is it so hard to find a single decent person to be friends with these days?