I'd take a million "annoying gays" over one "pick-me gay"

@the-postal-dude

2 ай бұрын

i'd rather... cough... keep myself safe than be with either of them. most "annoying gays" are very young and just frankly dumb and puritanical. we need to bring back the gays of the 80s lowkey

@just-mees

2 ай бұрын

I can either wear my makeup and pretty clothes and maybe cringe a couple times, or I can be policed by my own friends 🙃

@DogInJar10

2 ай бұрын

💯💯💯

@the-postal-dude

2 ай бұрын

hot take but they're both annoying

@draalttom844

2 ай бұрын

​@the-postal-dude bur one is damaging and unlovable and the other is just making you feel like shit cause you're not confident. Pick me gays are hell

I've met plenty of annoying straight people, including a guy I work with who might genuinely believe he's gods gift to women (the women we work with clearly do not think he is). Despite this, I have yet to start campaign against straight marriage.

@ithinkiknowme6450

2 ай бұрын

😂😂 yeah I've know plenty those guys both hetero and homo but they all got humbled pretty quickly 😂😂

@braintennant69

2 ай бұрын

Why should heterosexual mariage be discouraged?

@stone_forest3802

2 ай бұрын

Maybe we should

@braintennant69

2 ай бұрын

@@stone_forest3802 why would you take that away from people who want to get married?

@MsSPrescott1

2 ай бұрын

@braintennant69 you missed the point of the original comment so bad my guy

For what it's worth, it's very refreshing to hear actual words instead of monetisation friendly euphemisms. Feels like a proper adult conversation.

@aliendeathrocker

2 ай бұрын

For real.

@innitbruv-lascocomics9910

2 ай бұрын

​@@aliendeathrocker fr

@urm0mm.

2 ай бұрын

I agree! I hate that it get demonetized though :(

@LHZOZ777

2 ай бұрын

Exactly!! I'm so tired of stupid self censorship that makes it feel like we're talking about classified government documents

as a very straight passing lesbian, i really love seeing visibly queer people in public, it makes me feel like I'm not alone y'know. being weird is not making the queer community 'look bad', being queer is what makes us 'look bad'. you can't appease homophobes, you are SUPPOSED to be fighting agist them

@TigerPrawn_

2 ай бұрын

You're only straight passing to people who don't know you ♥ It's people's ignorance that incorrectly labels your sexuality. Idk I have a hard time with this concept of "passing" as another sexuality. (Edit: Shiri Eisner said it really well, that there is intentional passing - where you want to appear as straight for example - for safety reasons for one, but there is also coercive passing where you don't get a choice in what others pass you off as, and it's them who decide in their heads that you are straight, so you don't have much say in that situation).

@stylis666

Ай бұрын

@@TigerPrawn_ That's interesting. I never actually thought about it that way, but I do use the fact that I "blend in" or "pass" as cis white hetero male, and I am most, or half of those things. I'm bi and part Indonesian, and cis and male, mostly, but people don't expect me to be progressive and informed, which is what I "use", as I say, to sort of "lure" people into a "false sense of conservative security" to just speak their bigoted mind and then I go to town on their ideas by asking questions, not telling them I'm bi or part Asian because that has never come up. It hasn't actually changed people's minds and I decided to stop "passing" and just be myself and dress how I feel AWESOME instead. Women's baggy pants, panties, skirts, tops, make-up. And you're right, people who know me and actually listen to me and learn as much from me as I learn from them do that anyway and know I'm not all that masculine or straight and don't really give a crap - they treat me just the same when I told them as when I hadn't. My point is, I have spent a lot of energy trying to "pass" with people who don't matter to my life and aren't affected by my efforts. On the flip side, just being myself more and more and more openly has made me very happy, and my happiness DOES affect people; my loved ones are happier for me and more proud than ever and they love who I am and tell me quite often. Thank you for not understanding and making me think about this. I don't really understand it either but I know where I came from and where I am and my entire world is better and happier this way

@TigerPrawn_

Ай бұрын

​​@@stylis666 Oh my gosh, I live this story, thank you for sharing! ❤❤❤ As someone who is queer and Asian, you might like Kenji Yoshino's book Covering where he talks about the difficulties of assimilating to different situations as a gay Japanese-USAmerican. It's a bit dated now but has this idea that no one should feel pressure to 'cover' any parts of themselves and just live freely.

@theonionqueen3519

Ай бұрын

Femme lesbians are at the top of the lesbian food chain fr.

@fomxgorl

11 күн бұрын

as the saying goes, the first pride was a riot. f respectability politics

I realized while watching this that proud and open queer people are basically exposure therapy for society. The more you are exposed to your irrational fear the more you can be less afraid.

@someonesomeone25

2 ай бұрын

Exactly. It's important to queer and neuroqueer stuff, to do the performance, to present the challenge. Make society mature and grow.

@ei9310

2 ай бұрын

Such a cool way to put it!

@hungrytroodontid

2 ай бұрын

Yes !! 👏

@stylis666

2 ай бұрын

Someone said it. Literally, @someonesomeone25 said exactly what I thought XD

@lerualnaej5917

2 ай бұрын

And what's interesting is that that is EXACTLY what conservatives are terrified of. They know that the more people get to know us the more they're ok with us.

Pete Buttigieg gets dunked on a lot for being too "normal," but he was one of the first Democratic politicians I heard say we shouldn't worry about tempering ourselves for conservatives because they'll dislike us either way.

@jojodelacroix

2 ай бұрын

What if the most genuine part of him is in fact that he's just very fucking boring and he just doesn't have any inclination towards anything interesting (except for watches) in his life?

@pjaypender1009

2 ай бұрын

But he doesn't live that as a queer person. He does seem to be learning and growing as a queer person, but he still mostly advocates for cis white gays and not for the most marginalized.

@JameSmith-oj5qb

2 ай бұрын

His literally did nothing wrong other than people disliking his politics. He is not comparable to blair white or buck angel. He doesnt attack the community.

@drasco61084

2 ай бұрын

​@@JameSmith-oj5qb He defended private insurance with the fake "freedom of choices" BS. Sure "freedom" for people who can afford it and screw everybody else.

@JameSmith-oj5qb

2 ай бұрын

@@pjaypender1009 What makes you and others "queer" but he is not? Did you know the word queer was quite literally used to insult gay men before gay bashings in the 70s/80s

I'm a gay trans man and I definitely had a long period of being closeted and trying to just "be a normal woman" through force of will. But it wasn't because I was afraid society would be mean to me. I was afraid that my husband would leave me. I finally came out at 32 after nearly 10 years of marriage, and it turns out he had figured it out years ago and was just waiting for me to be ready to come out. He's the sweetest. He also was always bisexual, which I knew but a lot of people didn't. He wasn't trying to hide it, he's just a quiet guy. Most of our family and friends were very accepting but also very confused, because we didn't seem "typically" queer and I'm not "typically" masculine. I think people want clean and neat categories, but people in reality are messy and complicated.

@osmium3691

2 ай бұрын

Awww that's really cute, I'm so happy for you!

@ithinkiknowme6450

2 ай бұрын

Aww I'm so happy for you and your hubby ❤❤

@caitie226

2 ай бұрын

this is adorable... there is a political couple near where I live who this happened to as well.

@georgschwingerchen39

2 ай бұрын

So happy for you 👍 Thanks for sharing your story, since this is a really interesting point.

@bobtheball5384

2 ай бұрын

I'm a pan trans man and I've been in the same boat- though granted a lot younger than you- and sadly because of shame. I've had abusive parents that I've tried being normal for at the expense of my own happiness. And when I came to the conclusion that I may be trans, I grieved for the "Normal life" I could've had. Thankfully I'm not feeling that way as much, and when I had doubted anyone could ever love me the way I am, I've found the most wonderful guy in my life who loves me even if I'm pre medical transition, and sees me as the way I am. Just, to cut it short seeing this especially from an older trans guy makes me feel like there's hope in this world.

it’s really funny to me that tyler decided to include bisexuals on the “respectable” side. it’s always a coin toss with us

@bookshelfhoney

2 ай бұрын

That's just people pretending, they definitely hate bi people too, but they know they're not supposed to say that

@just-mees

2 ай бұрын

I give it a year or two before the "LGB" euphemism universally becomes "LG", because oh no what if we're faking it. I see a lot of bisexuals in our school's GSA, it's very popular with the youth, so it's perfect ;)

@LoneWulf278

2 ай бұрын

😂

@ciellouise8153

2 ай бұрын

it drives me insane

@Bean-zw7bt

2 ай бұрын

Probably because most bisexual people who are open are women in relationships with men who have no intention of dating women, so it’s just looked at as a straight couple therefore more acceptable.

I'm bisexual and work at a LGBTQ Non-Profit organization, and I get crap all the time for not being a "real" queer person because I'm bi. It's so annoying.

@pierremiles

2 ай бұрын

That’s so fucked I’m someone who doesn’t label my sexuality. I usually just say my sexuality is whom ever I’m with lol. I am very active and vocal about being queer though when it’s brought up. Though because I don’t “looks queer and have been mostly in relationships with the opposite sex I’m just perceived as straight or my queerness is written off. So yea it sucks.

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

What’s queer?

@masonasher9689

2 ай бұрын

​@@Lola_Nicomeans anything but straight

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

@@masonasher9689 an answer! Finally! Lol

@wiiqii6346

2 ай бұрын

​@@Lola_Nico?

My 15 yo son recently officially came out as asexual. As his parent I'm having already to shut down family members who literally are trying to erase him. "Oh, he's just 15. He'll figure sex out soon enough." No! He's 15, 5'11" and without getting TMI he has absolutely gotten far enough through puberty to know that he's ace. "How sad for you! If he stays that way you won't get grandkids." No! He's happy, healthy, and a great kid with a wonderful future ahead of him. It may not include kids but that's _his_ choice. "He just hasn't met the right girl!" No! He is _not_ attracted to people - boy, girl, or NB - and pushing him to engage sexually when he has zero interest is freaking gross. I'll admit that before I started to talking to my son about this a few years ago, I didn't really see how ace people experienced discrimination. But seeing my family's reaction has been eye opening.

@CorwinFound

2 ай бұрын

@@worlds_okayest_pilot_421 Seriously? Oh no, people saying anti-asexual things to the parent of a recently out kid would never happen. What world do you live in? Let's see, my mom is the one who started bemoaning my loss of potential grandkids. My brother was the one who said he just needs to find the right girl. And pretty much everyone has said some version of, "He's young/he'll grow out of it/it's a phase." I bet you think that no one ever says mean things to trans people, uses the n-word, or SA's women either.

@worlds_okayest_pilot_421

2 ай бұрын

@@CorwinFound lmao nice rant 🤷🏼‍♂️ btw, the statistics in 2021 for trans kids (google it if you want) shows that 98% of trans kids grew out of wanting to transition. Also, the suicide rate for trans people (before any surgeries or medical intervention) is between 41% and 48%. You know what that number changes to AFTER medical procedures/hormone therapy is?? IT STAYS BETWEEN 41% and 48%. Sooooo… stop acting like transitioning is the issue. If it wants to, the suicide rates would go down for these people after they were given the medicine/surgeries they wanted. There ya go 🙂

@kebab8660

2 ай бұрын

@@CorwinFound to be fair 15 sounds a bit young to be sure you're asexual. Not saying it's not possible, just saying give it a few years and keep an open mind.

@nolan-zs5mc

2 ай бұрын

@@kebab8660maybe, but that’s not the point. Respect that children and teenagers can know themselves. Invalidating someone’s identity at any point is tired. Anyone’s identity at any age has the potential to change, but this person is describing ace-phobia occurring right now. It invalidates a teenagers right to self identify however feels right, teenagers can know they’re straight gay or bi, they can know they’re ace. And it could be healthy for this kid to identify himself as ace right now, and it is always unhealthy to invalidate a persons right to identify however they see fit.

@catsrule8844

2 ай бұрын

@@kebab8660 he’s asexual now. If he’s not asexual later that doesn’t mean he “figured it out,” that means he’s no longer asexual.

as a lesbian who was raised conservative i had a phase where i watched blair white cus she aligned with my parents’ political beliefs. one day i told my dad about her and when i mentioned she was trans he told me that i needed to stop watching her. i was so confused cus they have the same political views. that moment really made me understand that she is in a losing battle. seeing her years later go onto a debate and letting these conservatives misgender her and call her mentally ill must be self harm. i thankfully escaped the echo chamber that was my home and now understand that queer people exist in multiple ways. who am i to criticize someone for living the way they want to.

@larissabrglum3856

2 ай бұрын

I don't like Blaire, but there is a part of me that feels sorry for her

@dragonslair951167

2 ай бұрын

@@larissabrglum3856 Perhaps, but in the end, she chose this. She chose to have no real solidarity with other trans people and instead serve the interests of homophobes and transphobes. One can speculate as to why she did this when faced with the reality of a world where trans people are oppressed for being who they are. Did she decide that her own safety and well-being outweighs all other concerns, or does she seek to be the one doing the oppressing instead of banding together to create a world free of oppression?

@Ambyli

20 күн бұрын

To be honest, shes doing a fight that most wont. We might not agree with her but she is forcing people in the conservative community to recognize the existence of LGBT even amongst their ranks. Its tough to do this though and i feel like its a losing battle.

been informed that justice horn isn’t a justice. his first name is just, justice. very cool mr. horn

@bookshelfhoney

2 ай бұрын

First Judge Reinhold and now this?!

@robw6202

2 ай бұрын

That’s fucking hilarious. Also you gotta check this stuff before your podcasts. Not everyone reads the comments.

@introusas

2 ай бұрын

“Mama Named Me Sheriff” vibes

@ziggyphillips1460

2 ай бұрын

He blocked me a year ago.

@elijahcumpton9926

2 ай бұрын

Had a similar experience when learning about Judge Learned Hand....imagining naming a child "Learned" (old school pronunciation with 2 syllobles - "learn - ed") is one thing, but when your last name is "Hand"...? Anywho cool af name for a judge lol. 😅 God thank you for this video. I needed something like this.

For the record, i "pass" as straight and i think it was a very bad thing for me. If i had been more flaming i feel i would have dealt with it all sooner, have more gay friends, and be less lonely! All my favourite people are mega queer looking and i love them so much ❤

@xBINARYGODx

2 ай бұрын

nah, I am straight passing and Is sprinted to the gay the second I graduated HS, but I did live in a suburb of NYC, and things on LI are not things somewhere else.

@skurhse

2 ай бұрын

I'm a nonbinary trans femme who presents as a woman, but doesn't pass! Thank you so much for helping me articulate the love I have for myself. I have a long chin and a flat chest and I'm actually happy with that! It is just everyone else who situates that as a predicament. Love and Support from Minneapolis!! 🌃✨✨

@Darkloid21

2 ай бұрын

So you would have been one of the lucky ones to fit into the community.

@lolly9804

2 ай бұрын

Not every queer suits having a flaming queen persona. Like I love a funny queen, sure, if they are a naturally effervescent personality. Though some folk are just reserved or shy by nature. Nothing wrong with that. Nor should you harbor regret that you weren't someone else entirely.

@ChristopherSadlowski

2 ай бұрын

I discovered I was straight passing the first time I told someone I was gay and they didn't believe me. I was like, "huh, that was weird..." And then it kept happening so I knew it wasn't a one off thing. Gay men can also be into video games and cars computers like I am. I was even accused of pretending to be gay to get close to women so I could eventually have sex with them. Which then requires me walking the straight guy through his thought process on why that wasn't a really good way to get women. I had to walk them through the forest of their mind until we got to the clearing of, "do you really think women will want to have sex with someone when they find out everything you told them was a lie?" I just always found it so strange since I think my gayness is obvious. It never really...hurt? If that makes sense? But it was certainly odd since I'm just here vibing, assuming one thing, and suddenly I'm aware that everyone else is assuming something completely different.

I think it’s very clear that ‘gays might be treated with a little bit of common decency if 100% of you are perfect likable people who are never promiscuous and never discuss your sexual/romantic preferences with anyone’ is not the same as equality.

@chrisjackson8151

Ай бұрын

That’s what happens when you make your sexual orientation into your entire personality trait. One does not need to be celebrated anywhere and for everything that they do simply because theyre gay. This community, particularly in the western world, cant go 5 minutes without reminding everyone that they are gay. They enjoy full rights and yet still find something to victimize themselves about because they have nothing else better to do with their lives. Look no further than Jussie Smollett…

I just rewatched Contrapoints' "Cringe" and this is such a great follow up/ companion to that essay.

@typosinthebrain5363

2 ай бұрын

that essay is so good

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

@@typosinthebrain5363yeah if you’re brainwashed

@pendragcn

Ай бұрын

@@Lola_Nico ??

I saw Buck Angel at SEXPO in Melbourne in about 2018 and he was actually really gentle and open toward non binary people and the next generation of queers in the speech he gave. He was really empathetic and moving. Being comfortable with laughing at people he thinks are "mentally ill" or is willing to call them that is actually really shocking and upsetting to me. Dude what happened to you? This is so sad?!

@someonesomeone25

2 ай бұрын

I'm guessing the answer is money.

@dinosaysrawr

2 ай бұрын

@@someonesomeone25 , money, and/or something bruised his ego and sparked a defensive reaction that he then felt like he had to triple down on.

@someonesomeone25

2 ай бұрын

@@dinosaysrawr And now he's trapped.

@thagrammarnazi

2 ай бұрын

Give him credit though; when anti-trans people are talking about bathrooms I always pull up a picture of Buck, like ‘Okay which bathroom do you think he should use to make women more comfortable?’ Suddenly whatever you were assigned at birth is way less important to them

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

He grew to see what y’all really are. A cult.

Everyone should have the right to be annoying and weird and not have to worry about having their rights taken from them. I don’t think being openly queer is annoying and weird, but there are LGBT people who get on my nerves and that’s FINE. I support gay rights AND wrongs.

@Litigation_national

2 ай бұрын

What happened to supporting respectful people and not petchulant children?

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@Litigation_national Children deserve have human rights, too. You cannot dehumanize someone just because they are immature or annoying. This attitiude has been used to hurt so many groups of people.

@Litigation_national

2 ай бұрын

@actualgoblin Being immature, annoying, and dishonest/disrespectful makes you a caricature, and a caricature is dehumanizing. Feeding into every negative stereotype and demanding respect is not the effective counterculture you think it is.

@yehooyahoo6861

2 ай бұрын

@@Litigation_national 😂😂😂😂 Okay now talk about the millennia of heteros being the most depraved they can be.

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@Litigation_national This is uttetly ridiculous to me. Human beings with flawed personalities are human beings nonetheless. Literally nobody's perfect. There's nothing stopping some bad actors from nitpicking at your flaws, noticing that you've had a bad day, or even taking you completely out of context, and deciding that _you're_ the problem. Seriously, you're acting like mildly inconveniencing someone should be a crime. Have you not faced problems worse than annoyance?

I am not visibly queer. Knowing that acceptance of me I the workplace is conditional makes it hard to feel accepted at all. Visibly queer people do the work for the rest of us and deserve all the acknowledgements. They're trail blazers and I will forever be thankful. I'm not invisible on purpose, I am just me. And other people being free to be themselves makes me more free to be me.

@Darkloid21

2 ай бұрын

Not really? They only speak for those like them. Plenty of people don’t “look” queer and people like that don’t represent us

@darlalathan6143

2 ай бұрын

I like your attitude!

@caranook

2 ай бұрын

I relate to this a lot, i just really hate the idea that people in my workplace may hold me up as an example of ‘one of the good ones’ for not being what their idea of a gay person is.

@jakobbauz

2 ай бұрын

Hey what is the story of your profile picture? This is so beautiful...

@Darkloid21

2 ай бұрын

But those visible ones did harm to the rest of us who aren’t like them, making people like me outsiders for not being queer enough

The whole “passing as nonbinary “ thing is super real. Im genderfluid and theres no “passing”- i can dress more masc or fem as i please or cut my hair a certain way but people are still gonna gender me anyway

@CorwinFound

2 ай бұрын

I've seen one person in my life who passed as non-binary. They work at the sexual health clinic I go to. About 5'8", medium build, long hair, beard, medium sized breasts. Often wear a dress shirt and skirt. I have absolutely zero clue what sex this person was assigned at birth and it's glorious! That in my mind is true non-binary passing. Lol

@theproducers1967

2 ай бұрын

The most you'll get usually is people just being confused about which they think you are. I am pretty androgynous but I usually don't get people using they/them pronouns on me. They either pick whichever gender they think I look like, or ask if I'm a boy or a girl.

@theGobFather17

2 ай бұрын

Legit. Like it’s frustrating and I’ve just had to learn to deal with it cuz it’s so exhausting to constantly be like hey, not a chick, not a dude, I’m just a weird little gremlin creature with no attachment to gender. It’s always nice when I run into people who ask and respect but it’s sooooo rare

@worlds_okayest_pilot_421

2 ай бұрын

No such thing as “gender-fluid”. If you have a penis, you’re male. If you have a vagina, you’re a female. “tRuSt tHe sCiEnCe”

@sophieh.2986

2 ай бұрын

the best thing you can do is make yourself look in a way you feel authentic in, and not give a shit about other peoples opinions on it. It is hard, but you are inherently loveable and the right people will want to understand you as you are. and sorry, when I meet a person who does not look clearly feminine or masculine, I will ask about preferred pronouns. even if I think I have a good guess about the assigned gender. And I think that needs to be common courtesy.

People who can't tell the difference betweem "this makes me uncomfortable" and "this is wrong" need to spend more time with ace people. We've been aware of that for ages lol. When I was at Pride, I saw a lot of booths that my reaction was basically like "I am very happy you exist for OTHER PEOPLE bye now 😘" 😅😂

When I came out as bi, I literally had one of my "friends" say that exact thing.... "How many women have you slept with??" I tried to tell her that doesn't matter, as it's about attraction, not action... She didn't listen. There are so many people attacking us from outside the community, we don't need it from inside. This is how they divide us and get us to infight with each other, instead of fighting the powers that be. ✊

@shawnbay2211

2 ай бұрын

It’s generally just a pervasive issue 4 a lot of ppl. 1 of my friends as a teen kept saying “I can’t call myself bi since I’ve never been with a girl.” It 8 her up inside 4 a few years until she was in a relationship that was queer enough that she didn’t have 2 call herself “probably str8.” The fact identity is gatekept does a lot of bad stuff.

@blorble4701

2 ай бұрын

like how am i to sleep with a woman if i dont get to be among other women who sleep with women seeing how every cool gay feels like being a bouncer... as if we dont live in a society that seeks to severely curtail womens sexual freedom so it's totally okay to taunt the losers lol

@Roman-bw2fo

2 ай бұрын

same and that friend was PAN... the hypocrisy is out of this world 🥴

@rpggal

2 ай бұрын

Same. I told him "by that logic you weren't really straight until you lost your virginity." I don't understand how people lack the concept that attraction doesn't require sex to be legitimate. It also perpetuates rape culture to say your sexuality isn't valid until you've exerted it on another person. Incel vibes tbh.

@ANME1rocker

2 ай бұрын

It's weird cause when it's a gay man and he's been married to a woman. People more often will still say he's gay. That isn't seen for other sexualities. Hence the gold star lesbians. 🤢

That last segment where you were reading the Pete Buttigeg is just a f*g tweet almost made me cry. This podcast is so important

@laurenwalker1048

2 ай бұрын

Absolutely. And Matt is the perfect person to be doing this, I think. Such a kind, thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent human.

@ClarifyEht

2 ай бұрын

What’s the timestamp?

@idkhowbutimgay

2 ай бұрын

​@@ClarifyEht57:27

I prefer the terms “wild gays” and “civilized gays”. I’m a wild gay, I can’t be tamed by heteronormativity.

I'm a bi lady who has literally been asked how many women I've slept with, and I was a virgin at the time, and was basically told that I should assume I'm actually straight. The same person later decided that was ridiculous... and instead asked me how many women I'd kissed. The answer at the time was that I had kissed exactly 2 people ever, one woman and one man (not because I planned it or anything, that was just my experience), and she concluded, again, that I was probably straight. I have no idea if she ever re-evaluated that conclusion, because by this point my crush on her had been well-and-truly ruined and I kind of felt like I wasn't queer enough to be in that particular circle of friends, at least not if I didn't want to be seen as kind of an outsider. Tldr: thank you for making me feel seen ❤

@jaciem

2 ай бұрын

50% wasn't bi enough for her? I think you dodged a bullet there.

@Wordnerd2807

Ай бұрын

I’m bi and have only come out to two people. The second was a high school friend who immediately asked what experience I had with women (I was raised extremely Christian, so none) and she said “oh you’re just bicurious then”. That is NOT what I said and NOT who I am. Girl, bye. ✌🏻

@CatHasOpinions734

Ай бұрын

@@Wordnerd2807 it's so frustrating. If you tell people you've never done x romantic or sexual with a man, no one goes "oh, I'm going to assume you're a lesbian/ace until you do x thing with a man". There's also a sexist element there, where regardless of your gender, if you say you're attracted to more than one gender and people don't believe you, 9 times out of 10 they assume you're only into men. Obviously people see us as basically straight, but I have a friend who's a bi man who's constantly having to explain to people that no actually, he's not trying to pretend to be straight, he's not identifying as bi just to be half-closeted, he's not secretly gay but pretending to be into women so people think he's closer to normal, he's just bi.

As a bisexual married to a man, thank you. I feel seen. Thank you for including us.

@FernBlackwood1995

2 ай бұрын

I’m a visibly queer nonbinary married to a man and I agree with this message

@halcyon3600

Ай бұрын

@@FernBlackwood1995 ??? how are you gay and nonbinary, aint nonbinary supposed to mean you're neither gender. gay means man on man sis

@paigecullen4095

Ай бұрын

@@halcyon3600 according to this logic, non binary people have no sexuality. that makes no sense.

@baoziday5178

21 күн бұрын

​@@halcyon3600they said they're queer. You've been purposefully dense in all of your replies and spreading obvious biphobia. Shut up.

@kenamada5451

20 күн бұрын

​@@halcyon3600 You can be masculine presenting NB. Example my best friend is He/they NB.

I'm one of those ppl who aren't outwardly flamboyant in representing my queerness. My friends have told me I dress like a heavy metal hobo and I have a pretty deep dude-bro voice. Don't get me wrong tho, I will take any excuse to dress in drag lol.

@stylis666

2 ай бұрын

I'm a bi man. How do you dress bi? 🤣 I don't have a clue. Having an 80's porn star moustache and glasses perhaps? I look like a gentleman most of the time. A sophisticated stylishly dressed gentleman. Being inconspicuous is kind of my thing. I don't have tattoos or piercings or even a watch, necklace, bracelet, or any kind of jewellery. I like looking sharp and sexy. People don't expect me to be bi, or a metalhead. What most people know about me is that my tongue is as sharp as I dress and then some. I love physics, people, philosophising, flora and fauna, and I know a lot about a lot of things and I think about everything because I find everything fascinating. And that's what I use to try and help normalising valuing diversity, because I'm a proud ultranerd and bisexual metalhead. I look white and I'm not even that, I'm mixed race, Asian and Caucasian. I can pass as all kinds of things I'm not. Because of that, people take me more seriously than they would many other people. I am very aware of my privileges and I use them. That said, I am outwardly flamboyant in representing my sheer stunningness! 🤣NOTICE ME, or else! And recently I've been slowly including more elegant, or I suppose more feminine clothing in my wardrobe. Mostly because I just f'ing love how amazing it looks and feels, but I won't deny that it doesn't also have to do with outwardly expressing myself in more visible ways to help normalising just being who you are. But, being more feminine than a stereotypical man is like... 99% of all men, and they're not all bi. So, I'm clueless how I would look bi 🤣I do get more attention when I wear make-up and dress more elegantly, so I can bring it up more easily that I"m bi if the attention isn't just down right flirting, which I do love a lot 🤣. So there's that, I can bring it up more often - shove my sexuality in people's faces :p Sidenote: The reasons I don't have accessoires is because I find them annoying, especially when making love or gardening or tinkering, and I don't want anything to distract from ME! :p I know it sounds narcissistic, but I really want the focus on me as a person and then "infect" people with my ideas and examples I set, like being interested in things and people and being an absolute slut for knowledge and information while enjoying how useful and fun information is in everyday life. Many people's egos won't let them credit me for it, but often they'll go looking for other sources and come to the same conclusions and then tell me they learned it from there, and I don't care if I even made them curious. I don't know if I had any influence on it. I like to think that every once in a while I do. I don't think brains are that simple. I do care that they're happy with what they found and share it and give the example of enthusiastically learning and growing into better people to others. And I'll be here, as an easily accepted cis het white looking example that shows that they're not the only ones :D

A lot of what you said in this podcast really spoke to me. "Who does it hurt when a person finds a label that feels like home to them?" this question, like, lit up certain spots of my brain. We've really moved so far away from any kindness or empathy even in our own community that ANY exploration beyond the border is considered deviant or cringe. And when you mentioned how a lot of minorities measure someone's value based on suffering --- literally!!!! You're not REALLY trans unless you've suffered the pain of dysphoria, you're not a REAL woman unless you've suffered the traumas of girlhood; why do we always return to pain as a validation? Why is the lab-grown diamond inferior to the natural diamond, despite being almost identical, merely because the natural diamond formed after thousands of years of pressure beneath the earth? Why does pain have to be a factor of someone's worth? Thank you for having these conversations, I know it's exhausting, but you're doing good work.

@the-postal-dude

2 ай бұрын

not sure i like the diamond analogy, because there are major differences between like... a regular trans person and a chronically online tiktok trans person. hypersensitivity and illiteracy is one of the major ones, it's the only reason xenogenders make me recoil tbh. i like the idea of making up new genders, i hate who it's associated with.

@Viral9

2 ай бұрын

There have always been those who gatekeep identities. Posers who want to join a group stand out until they learn to blend in well enough to pass other people's scrutiny, at which point they judge other posers. The trans movement is no different; some people like being visibly trans because that's how they want the world to see them - to "prove" their commitment to transness, particularly within the community, something often demonstrated through activism - while others want different forms of validation from society, and things such as a medical diagnosis or the ability to go stealth or pass grants them that. The underlying issue is that these desires are centered around unhealthy manifestations of the broader concepts of individualism and identitarian affirmation and how they impact both the self and the social cohesion of societies in general.

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@the-postal-dude the "hypersensitivity and illiteracy" comes from the fact that these are mostly teenagers that you're hating on. They'll settle down once they have time to mature and really develop their own identities. Hope this helps.

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@Viral9 People who _are_ visibly trans are seen as the posers, though. Trans people are expected to pass perfectly and blend in with heteronormative society, otherwise they're just not putting enough effort in. Outcasts are posers.

@the-postal-dude

2 ай бұрын

@@actualgoblin yeah... no shit man

Oh. Uh. Hi. That's... that's my essay. If you'd like to talk about this again at any point, I'd love to talk about this. ❤

@pleasestopscreaming

2 ай бұрын

It was fabulous, congrats.

@mretaoin1

2 ай бұрын

I'm a straight cis man. It made me tear up.

@jtismybro

2 ай бұрын

Amazing essay

@Ilovebirdgag

2 ай бұрын

Wow!! thank you for putting those words out, and so beautifully. You warmed up my heart. I hope to hear more from you

@TigerPrawn_

2 ай бұрын

I already mentioned it in a comment, but do you know of Mark Aguhar or Aurora Levins Morales because your words really reminded me of their poetry ♥

I think Kalvin Garrah is an interesting case study in someone who made content as a very young person about other trans and queer people who were the "bad gays" until he was really confronted with transphobia from the people that he had surrounded himself with. A lot of people see him as THE transphobic trans man, but when he was saying the most inflammatory things he said, he was still a child. I think his evolution as a person was a great example of what many young queer people go through.

@moistchunk9143

Ай бұрын

nah, THE transphobic trans man award has to go to marcus dibb

Buck Angel comes off as such a deeply unhappy man who is trying desperately to not sound as defensively triggered as he is.

@Ray03595

2 ай бұрын

No, he’s very reasonable actually

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@Ray03595he used to be very reasonable IMO, but he's fallen into the reactionary cringe-sphere in recent years

““Who’s hurt by people finding a term that feels like home to them?”❤

First up, as a bisexual woman, I want to thank you for taking the time to acknowledge people like me and how we have our own challenges to face; I really appreciate it. Second, the line about identifying with your pain really struck a chord, because it's a pattern I see with TERFs. They seethe about how trans women don't go through menstruation or pregnancy, and I always just want to be like, "...you know trans people aren't the ones who repealed Roe v Wade, right?"

@adrianaacosta7293

2 ай бұрын

Those literally have nothing to do with one another. When you’re a man claiming to have a period because you’re taking estrogen that is straight up delusional. So many people seem to think that if you take estrogen as a male you are now a woman. Some think they can breastfeed which is insane because the male body cannot create breast milk with all the nutrients an infant needs. They have secretions but it is not breast milk. We need to stop indulging people’s delusions and actually start helping them. You can be trans and still be grounded in reality. Women’s bodies are completely different from men and they can’t change that with synthetic hormones and surgeries.

@TigerPrawn_

2 ай бұрын

"menstruation or pregnancy", yeah both wreak absolute havoc on your body - why would you want to wish them on anyone XD

@halcyon3600

Ай бұрын

im sorry, but what challenges do bi people face lol. still being accepted by society because they can like the other gender? how horrible for the bi people

@kalina5076

7 күн бұрын

And why would anyone want either menstruation or pregnancies???? Good for the trans women, there's a reason cis women get hypersectomies

The point you brought up about how bi women get policed/ridiculed for not being queer enough was something I was glad to hear -- especially because there is a lot of overlap in the intra-LGBTQ-community struggles faced by bi and trans people. In fact, there are some key shared historical roots between certain forms of bimisogyny and TERFism (excising people from community for their connection to men or maleness during the political lesbianism and lesbian separatist movements around the 70s, for example -- ancestors of modern radfem movements). I loved the connection you two made to acephobic discourse as well, in terms of who is seen as "not really oppressed." Anyway, thinking of all this made it occur to me that it would be *incredible* if you could talk to Verity Ritchie (KZread channel Verily Bitchie) for an episode! Her content on queer histories and media analysis, particularly with a bi and trans focus, is so so good. It has been a catalyst for much of my own learning about the history of communities I'm a part of. If she would be interested, I think she'd be an incredible guest!

@TigerPrawn_

2 ай бұрын

Verity is bae ♥

"I had to fight so hard..." I'm fighting so hopefully others don't have to.

Hi Guys, greetings. This was a great show. I am a 54 year gay man that has had to listen to BS for over thirty years. The tension between straight acting gays and gays who are more flamboyant has been around for decades. I stayed away from this nonesense. Members of the queer community who more out there moved the LGBTQ+ forward over the last five decades. I have not time for the tone policing in the community. Just be yourself...fuck what anyone says.....keep up the great work...

Im a gay trans man but im read as a cis straight man and my cis partner is read as straight aswell and i have never understood looking down on gays that are more “gay looking” because at the end of the day if someone is homophobic they hate both of us regardless of what we look like we are still gay. Obviously it goes without saying that “gay looking” gays take more of the brunt. (And “gay looking” in quotes because there isnt actually a look that comes along with being gay bur idk the right term to use but hopefully people understans what i mean) - commenting from watching the intro so sorry if this gets covered

@NineToFiveGamerUC0079

2 ай бұрын

I think it's more about people who make their sexuality their entire personality. Looking down on anyone is wrong though so I dunno.

@Sl1mch1ckens

2 ай бұрын

@@NineToFiveGamerUC0079 but blaire white for examples whole stick is “LOOK AT ME IM A TRANS WOMAN AND I THINK THIS TRANS STUFF IS DUMB” so no its honestly got bugger all to do with making it your whole personality because the people that do this make being lgbt their whole personality.

@lolly9804

2 ай бұрын

I've gotten the f slur for flapping my wrists around limply. While otherwise dressing blandly and not having dyed hair. Yeah homophobes will be triggered by the most minor things.

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@NineToFiveGamerUC0079What does it mean to "make being gay your entire personality", exactly? I've been told the same thing. I am somewhat gender nonconforming, but I don't talk about my orientation or relationships or s3x life to anyone, so I really don't understand why people say that.

@draalttom844

2 ай бұрын

​@actualgoblin they can see a difference and can't accept that they are just creepy

The concept of "asking too much" and the associated fear of being denied the request is so dangerous to instill in the minds of so many marginalized people. I feel like we find ourselves denying huge parts of our identities as a result even for things that seem as basic as a preferred name or pronouns. Teach people that they are in the way and take up space and they'll spend all their time terrified to do anything more than breathe and be afraid of being honest to anyone Thank you for touching on this! I honestly think this episode has been my favorite podcast episode of anything I've heard to date.

As an Ace/Aro person, this whole "you were not oppressed enough" is so true. I don't mind when my allosexual friends are curious because for them it is normal to feel sexual attraction so when I tell my side they want to know how I see the world and how I feel, so I know they ask out of curiosity. But when people from inside or outside the community start invalidating my sexuality with the whole "you just need the right person" or "it's your trauma speaking it's not natural" It's infuriating. I suffered from so many things from invalidantion and gasliting exclusion from my family to crimes of conversion. It's just infuriating to be invalidated like my suffer doesn't exist because I'm not being queer enough.

Thank you for mentioning autistic queer people. I have autism and I feel so isolated in the wider queer comunity and wider queer spaces because of it. I'm afraid that me stimming or being loud about my special interests, or not following social cues like eye contact will get me outcasted from a space full of fellow outcasts. The only times I feel safe fully being myself are amongst fellow autistic or neurodivergent queer people. Not to mention how we tend to have different experiences with our gender that are inherently shaped by autism (hence the creation of labels like autigender) and how a lot of allistic/neurotypical queer people don't understand them or don't make the effort to do so.

@user-ks8wn1gn2m

2 ай бұрын

well autists comprise a decent-sized portion of queer people so it can’t be *that* isolating

I guess my weird thing is that I consider myself gay but I'm also asexual and sex repulsed. And dating is so difficult because of that. Some Gay men get really judgemental when I say I don't like sex but I'm more interested in a romantic connection. Like people say I'm trying to live in a fairytale version of a relationship. Like what I want isn't real. And I'm disabled on top of that but that's a whole other hurdle in the gay dating scene.

I feel like there's another facet to this discussion. The "respectable" gays make conservatives nervous that anyone could be gay and they would never know.

Sex in Senate chamber is the most Caucasian thing I’ve ever heard

@xyulo

2 ай бұрын

can americans please stop using this word to mean white? beside its awful racist roots, it's also so stupid, like if russians would call slavs 'mexicans'.

@sojabursche

2 ай бұрын

Just a tiny thing: you might want to look up the word Caucasian, where it comes from and what it means before continuing to use it. Not many people are aware of the origins and therefore connotations of it yet, but it’s something you might want to be aware of when you use it. Generally the better descriptor to use instead would be “white people”. /gen

@MFYouTube683

2 ай бұрын

Oh this is about race, of course. Had it been a black guy we wouldn’t even talk about it. Homophobia and racism. 😂 But since he’s white we must of course point that out. What’s your point?

@koshetz

2 ай бұрын

as an eastern european i thought the most caucasian thing is live in the mountains, serve 1000 dishesh which are just variations of cheese + bread, drink wine and have good sense of humor

@MFYouTube683

2 ай бұрын

@@koshetz that’s a very real version of Caucasian, but I don’t like the way racial stereotypes are thrown around in comment section of a video about the community that claims diversity is our power. Was my point

i really needed this. that quote near the end got me..i came out to my family (trans) recently and they all act like this is something i’m doing “to them”. i keep trying to minimize who i am when i’m around them and things have only gotten worse, if they’re going to hate me regardless, i may as well be happy.

@CorwinFound

2 ай бұрын

I'm sorry you are experiencing that. I'm an older person (48) and came out as trans a few years ago. Some of my family reacted in a similar way. Honestly, my tactic was exposure therapy for them. I talked very constantly about trans issues and if that made them uncomfortable, well too bad. Get used to it. And eventually they did. Of course this tactic only applies if your safety (mental, physical and financial) is not at risk. But if they are people who deserve the honour of loving you, they will come around. If they don't come around, well, it is truly their loss. Best wishes.

@oliverrivers2888

16 күн бұрын

the ONLY thing you are doing is making yourself more comfortable ❤

Just want to say as a nonbinary, "straight-passing" bisexual, this video felt like a big hug I've been needing for a long time. The idea that bisexuals don't get "oppressed" is whack. I spent most of my life in the closet, because I was scared of how the Conservatives I was raised around would react. Now that I'm "out," I get nervous about saying I'm bi and NB in queer spaces, because of how *they* might react. It's not about winning the oppression olympics, but having the invalidation of your identity come from both sides isn't exactly a bed of roses. Again, thank you for this. This felt healing.

@bookshelfhoney

2 ай бұрын

I'm also bi/pan & non binary and I pass as straight, finally came out as non binary recently, I've gotten a lot of hate from queer people, been excluded from queer stuff before, it made me step away from any kind of activism or going to pride or anything cause I didn't feel welcome. Biphobia sucks.

@starlydonati2008

2 ай бұрын

Hi I’m an enby too, but I’m ace instead of bi. I remember one of the first people that came out to me was bi and she was anxious about that exact thing. It was heartbreaking, but she felt a better afterward even if my jokes to set her at ease we a bit unfunny. I hope she’s doing well and that both of you are as well. I know what it’s like to be quietly afraid of coming out to either side as nonbinary. Even if coming out didn’t come with negative or positive fanfare, the change in how people treat me has been subtle but painful.

@Starlight-ko6uy

2 ай бұрын

Actually, it is a bed of roses. Everyone sees a comfortable bed of flowers, but nobody realizes that those roses have thorns.

@user-ks8wn1gn2m

2 ай бұрын

being in the closet isn’t necessarily a form of oppression if there isn’t a need to come out. if you’re gay, being in the closet means you’re effectively denied love and romance (or romance is extremely hard to obtain). a major part of having a fulfilling life is off-limits to you. if you’re a straight-leaning bisexual, being in the closet just means that no one knows about your part-time sexual interests. am I oppressed because no one knows that I masturbate every day?

@TigerPrawn_

2 ай бұрын

You might like Shiri Eisner's book "Bi: Notes for a bisexual revolution" ♥

As an asexual millennial who is also cisgender and heteroromantic, thank you so much for this discourse. I spent my adolescence and young adult years feeling so broken and experienced sexual violence from romantic partners because of my sexual identity. Once I knew my identity, I knew I wasn't broken, but there also weren't spaces to belong and find other people like me. It felt so isolating.

As someone coming really late to the party, I love this discussion, and this podcast. I was 54 when I learned that I'm asexual (I've always known, but I didn't know it was a thing until my kid told me). Three years later, I'm still figuring out all the ways this has affected my life. I guess according to some people I haven't been "oppressed," but not having a word for an important part of my identity for most of my adult life caused me so much harm. The gatekeeping is really not helpful, either. I've always considered myself an ally, but learning that I am (or, according to some people, still am not) part of the community has been mind-blowing.

@alexbennet4195

2 ай бұрын

Wait so did you get divorced or something…?

@jackm.j.3549

2 ай бұрын

​@@alexbennet4195 asexual people can be married????? They're asexual, not banished to the moon.

@NineToFiveGamerUC0079

2 ай бұрын

How has it affected your life specifically? Outside of being annoyed that the majority of people enjoy having sex, (Asexuals in my experience seem to love letting you know how gross they find sex and constantly seem to look down their noses at people who do not have an aversion to something that comes naturally to most of the human population) So whenever one of you pops up and includes themselves in conversations like these, I take it as an opportunity to ask.

@jerichoburg7065

2 ай бұрын

@@NineToFiveGamerUC0079 You are proving the point that this video is making.

@kaisa3596

2 ай бұрын

I just want to say that of course you are part of this community, and always have been. I’m sorry some of us act as if they somehow have the authority to decide who ”counts” as queer enough or part of the community based on their own prejudice and lack of knowledge. I’m happy for you that you’ve found the language for your identity. Sending much love!

Matt, this was so damn good. I feel much smarter, and kinder, after listening to your discussions.

@worlds_okayest_pilot_421

2 ай бұрын

Lmao okay, bot 😂😂😂

Imagine being in your 40's and your hobby is being mean to children. Sad man.

@someonesomeone25

2 ай бұрын

Worse, Buck is in his 60s.

@mapsandstuff2923

Ай бұрын

If you're talking about Buck Angel... where are you getting that from?

"You are 40 years old, you should not be reacting to cringy TikTok teens, you should be going to the theatre!" I died! XD

Interesting parallel, this topic of queer people being asked to pass as straight, not making a fuss, nor rioting when oppressed, has just been addressed in a pretty open way in the latest X-Men 97 animated episode, where mutants are the superhero equivalent for queer people, while also having queer members in their ranks. Lines like "Look what happens when we shove our pride in their face" after an attack on a public mutant sanctuary, "People won't except mutants when they feel threatened" and "Scared voters seeing me helping your kind would be unfortunate optics." really drive home how the black and gay show runner sees society today.

I watched creators like Kalvin Garrah and Blaire white as a young queer teen. I didn’t understand at the time how intolerant their viewpoints were, but i’m glad that i didn’t go down that pipeline

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

So you devolved mentally? Wild.

@McSmileOff

2 ай бұрын

Blair white speaks usually facts ☠️face reality omg

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

@@McSmileOff these people can’t live in reality because it hurts their feefees.

@actualgoblin

Ай бұрын

​@@McSmileOff Blaire literally lied about her own past. She claimed to experience dysphoria in early childhood, and used that to explain the difference between authentic trans people and trans-trenders. Recently Blaire later denied all of this for the sake of optics. She is dishonest and I do not trust her anymore.

This episode was a bit cathartic for me. I came to terms with the fact that I’m non-binary in 2015 and shortly thereafter was met with the avalanche of “anti-sjw cringe” content which had absolutely exploded online at that time. What followed was YEARS of being too afraid to publicly or even privately identify as NB for fear of being compared to “those annoying blue-haired neo pronoun people” and being pilloried for it the way they were. It’s taken a lot of internal work to unravel that prejudice and I’ve still got a long way to go but it’s so refreshing hearing you talk about this phenomenon with such tact and care. Thanks, Matt and Devon.

@alexbennet4195

2 ай бұрын

What does it mean to be “non-binary” to you? Isn’t it just a label some people choose to identify themselves with?

@NineToFiveGamerUC0079

2 ай бұрын

I hope you're proud of yourself! I know I am. Keep on shining and never stop.

@Anonymous-54545

2 ай бұрын

@@alexbennet4195hey, i can answer for myself (not for op). I have taken measures that changed some of my physical sex traits but not others. If i were born this way i would be called intersex. But that word already refers to a group of ppl, so i say nonbinary.

@maddodeuil3342

2 ай бұрын

I see you and understand you, I'm honeslty much happier since i accepted I'm non binary

@alexbennet4195

2 ай бұрын

@@Anonymous-54545 isn’t that “trans medicalism”tho

I grew up in a somewhat conservative family where anything but sex between one man and one woman who are married was frowned upon, so this would obviously instill a lot of shame into a closeted queer kinkster like me. For a few years after I came out, I fell into the trap of looking down at other gays “freakier” than me, even though a vanilla conservative probably couldn’t see any difference between me and them. I’m not proud of that phase in my life, but I’m much more comfortable in my skin today. I still deeply regret all the bridges I burned during that time.

I used to watch Blaire White and people like her when I was a teenager and it took years to deprogram all of that fear from my brain. I was so scared and negative all the time. It also took many years to realise I was NB. Maybe if I had found some other influences I would have come out faster and learned to be more empathetic to the queerdos (which I am one lol). I was really just hating on myself and other people as an extension of that.

First, I kinda love that the "good" vs "bad" queers meme put the A on the "bad" side, because like...as an ace person, I'll just say a lot of us are fairly boring and "normal". Also...it is always interesting that for minority groups, whether that's sexuality or gender identity or religion or whatever, every one of us is responsible for the image of every other one of us. But in dominant groups, like oh gee maybe cis het white men, if we ever say anything criticizing them as a group because of the actions of some (meaning: A LOT) of them, we get screeched at with NOT ALL MEN!!!!! until our eardrums burst. Hmmmmmm. Curious.

@strayiggytv

2 ай бұрын

Absolutely true. Any bad person on their side is just a line wolf but if they're a minority they're a typical example.

@sarahcoupland4259

Ай бұрын

Yeah I'm ace too- I've never understood why some people get weird about it. Like, they're mad that a minority population is generally disinterested in sex? That we happen to not be doing something they enjoy, almost as if all people have different interests??

"radical acceptance of our Queer selves" I was at work and had to hold back tears. Learned a Lott as always. Thanks

Buck Angel isn't even 40 years old, he's literally 60. Imagine being 60 YEARS OLD and all you do is bully kids online, it's really pathetic

i love this conversation. i used to get frustrated with microlabels until i realized people who use them for themselves are not the problem. the real problem was the people around me that were trying to tell me what little boxes i had to fit in and when i deviated from those they would get upset. gender and sexuality is complex and sometimes contradictory and you have to be able to allow yourself and others to use the language they find most comfortable. for me that's just saying queer and leaving it at that. for others it might be a long string of descriptors. the key is remembering that its not your job to police other's identities. go be whoever you feel that you are and embrace others for who they are 🥰 letting go of that judgement frees up your heart and mind to new people and experiences and its beautiful 💕

@CorwinFound

2 ай бұрын

The only time micro labels are annoying is when people assume you should know what they mean and get upset/offended that you don't know. I've only ever run into this attitude online. Out in the real world I've never encountered a person who wasn't thrilled to explain a label unfamiliar to me. As I'm more than happy to explain my much more mainstream ones to the normies. (Not that anyone is obligated to explain anything. But if you choose to not explain you also can't be offended that the person doesn't know. It's why broader umbrella terms are so useful.)

28:39 The word "tolerance". We don't NEED to be tolerated, because we're not a weather phenomenon (Hurricane, typhoon, earthquake, tornado, etc) 😂

@Aziz.500

Ай бұрын

Its not the only way people use the word. It can be used,when talking about other people and their behaviour

Is it self hate, the “inner saboteur,” old trauma…? I feel yal on that toxicity that lives within us all 🤦🏾‍♂️

Thanks for the Ace shoutout! I had someone tell me in the comments of one of your previous podcasts that we didn't experience discrimination or oppression 🙃

@CorwinFound

2 ай бұрын

I'm sorry you are experiencing that. My 15 yo son recently came out as ace and I'm already running interference with family. All the usual crap, "Too young to know," "Poor you, no grandkids," and "He hasn't met the right girl," etc etc. What ace oppression looked like was always very theoretical to me. I'm now seeing it up close and it's disheartening. I wish you the best.

@ei9310

2 ай бұрын

​@@CorwinFound you sound like a great parent to have! 🙏

@pleasestopscreaming

2 ай бұрын

​@@CorwinFound​ I'm 41 and not even out to family. Just a handful of friends I knew wouldn't be massively weird about it. I didn't have the luxury of knowing myself in my teens & 20s, so I went through a string of terrible relationships. Now my family knows I am not married and don't want kids but thankfully that's not THAT unusual in 2024. Good luck with your kid and thanks for being a real one

I like the Pete is personally updating his wiki not to like make himself look better but because he really likes watches and wants that to be on the public record 😂😂😂😂

I pass and I’m openly trans. I plan on getting a tattoo somewhere very visible like my hand or something that will make it clear what I am. I don’t like the idea that cis people will think anything about me that they could twist against other trans people. EDIT: perhaps the context isn’t clear enough but I mean as in, they think something about me as a “cis” man that they use against trans men, when in reality I am trans myself.

@worlds_okayest_pilot_421

2 ай бұрын

…. The penis or vagina that you have and the breasts that you do or don’t have is pretty much the clear indication to the rest of us 🤷🏼‍♂️ you can’t change the way you were born.

@Aziz.500

Ай бұрын

cant control their thought,bud)

@OscarLangleySoryu

Ай бұрын

@@Aziz.500 uhmmm if they can read, and I have a tattoo they can see that says I’m trans, _then they will know that I’m trans._ What exactly are you confused about here

I’m non-binary, but I didn’t come to terms with my identity until I was 20. I’ve been questioning things since I was little, but when I was 15 I came across KZreadrs like Kalvin Garrah and Blaire White. They taught me the world was black and white, male and female, everything else that’s an “other” was to be shamed and ousted. The fact I didn’t feel like I fit in either box pushed me further into the closet. The only representation I saw of nonbinary people was negative, and by people in my own community no less. The narratives pushed by these “influencers” caused me and many others so much harm. They put down others to uplift themselves. Plain and simple they’re bullies, and I’m ashamed that I used to look up to them. They taught me to be ashamed of myself, but it was only through positive representation of nonbinary people that I finally began seeing this as a path towards my authentic self. Had they been positive influences from the start, I would have began my journey of healing much sooner.

The blaire white within us all... that's what I'm gonna start calling that suppressive voice

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

Your voice of logic you mean?

@Lola_Nico

2 ай бұрын

You’ve been brainwashed into denying your own instincts. Think about how dangerous that is for you and others.

@Brazilsfirstcommiefemboyleader

2 ай бұрын

​@@Lola_Nico hur dur

@galaxyocicat5660

Ай бұрын

@@Lola_Nico Nothing logical with Blaire letting her "friends" treat her like crap live. Sorry if you think that's normal.

@Lola_Nico

Ай бұрын

@@galaxyocicat5660 which friends are you referring to?

Thanks for mentioning the stuff about asexual and aromantic people. I'm aroace, and a lot of people do not believe I'm queer. I'm a bit envious of my sister because our mum automatically accepted that she's lesbian. When I told my mum I was aroace, she told me she didn't want me to limit myself, and how relationships etc are enjoyable. Fortunately, my sister gets me. I cried so many times in English class over all the texts specifically about romance we were studying; I felt so alienated. When the teacher asked what was wrong, I said "I don't understand love" and he said "nobody understands love". When I discovered I was aroace and was trying to explain to my boyfriend why we were breaking up, he just couldn't wrap his head around it. It was difficult because I wanted to like him, but I couldn't force myself to like him that way despite how much I'd tried to, and that just didn't make sense to him.

“Nothing’s sacred about the senate” 🤣🤣🤣 so real.

bisexual woman here! you were spot on about the policing of being Bi enough. i knew i was Bi for a while but didn’t feel comfortable coming out until i got with my boyfriend and we’ve been together for 3 years and are monogamous. I got a lot of questions about “how i knew”. once i was like, “mom, if you and dad divorced you’d you want to date woman?” she was like “no, i’m straight”. i was like well how do you know you’ve never been in a serious relationship with a woman?

As someone who knew about buck Angel, but has never watched his KZread videos it’s crazy to see how far he’s taking it. The voice of nuance in his brain has died.

I'm nonbinary/pansexual and I am "cishet passing." I don't have a choice, though. I live in a place where it's a coin toss whether or not someone is going to treat you like a human. I have kids that need me here and unharmed. I've had to make peace that I can only be myself in certain places. People think it's so extreme and like to think I'm being dramatic. I literally watched a woman walk out of a store with a metal confederate flag embedded into the front of her purse last week. I've seen the stickers and flags and symbols all over. I pass as normal, so people say some crazy stuff in front of me. It's. Not. Safe. I want everyone to have the right to be themselves. I want to have rights. I'm tired of the mean girl bullshit and I'm tired of people being genuinely awful to each other.

When is anyone gonna tell the LGB people that 80% of trans people are also part of the LGB labels? Kinda defeats an already stupid idea to separate the two

@markburns2621

2 ай бұрын

It's more like a contract breach. The T could probably be included but the "I'm weird and it's on purpose" letter should have the membership reconsidered even if they are also the first half. Actually, I guess that only means Queer as Queer as their entire personality people. Everyone else can stay.

@Nat_778

2 ай бұрын

​@@markburns2621You're literally doing what the entire podcast episode is criticising. No, it doesn't matter whether or not you think they've made being queer their "whole personality". They have every right to call themselves queer and be part of the community.

@actualgoblin

Ай бұрын

​@@markburns2621 How can you differentiate someone who's being weird and annoying to disturb others, from a person who genuinely just struggles to fit in and is trying their best not to cause harm?

@markburns2621

Ай бұрын

@@actualgoblin Yes the best way to solve struggling to fit in would be to try to stand out and look as odd as humanly possible. Makes total sense.

I'm 32, came out as bi at 14. I STILL need to hear these things sometimes!!! This was covered so delicately and the playful banter between you both was perfect! I hope you do more work together. Thank you 💖 Stay queer 💕

32:34 i can excuse the government attacking people's rights & funding genocides in the senate room, but i draw the line at having gay sex in the senate rooms. so much for the propriety! but ig murdering thousands is less egregious than expressing your sexuality.

I love talks like these. Talks about queer people not fitting the "acceptable" queer mold whether by convenience in luck or acting as though being "cringy" or "loud". I feel as though god said "let's make you 6 times as a minority in America" and threw me into a world I wouldn't ever be prepared for. I am born a queer person who's EXISTANCE is loud and cringy. To be a person of color, a mixed raced one, to be born with a female body, to be born as an neurodivergent person... made it SO much harder to come out as both nonbinary and an asexual. Two things that had to differentiate myself more than I already was, and it was (and still is) hard to explain and share my experience of just *living* without sounding I'm pushing some sort of agenda. So when there is any talk about what a 'normal' queer person is like, even if I act 'normal' it feels hereditary that in no circumstance I will ever be that kind of 'normal'. It's so strange that some queer people latch onto the idea that they are better because they aren't weird, but isn't queer being strange hereditary? I am BLESSED to be in a space where I can express myself freely, with friends and family who have accepted every part of me, and it's depressing that even in a group of MINORITIES there are those who drag each other down just to get one less kick in the ribs (Note: while I am a part of the group of minorities I listed before I ranted I understand that I am not above anyone nor a part of EVERY minority but rather I would have needed to give context to what I'm talkin about)

Man, when queer people make it clear that they would be pushing other queer people into the ovens in another situation. Really disappointing. ------ To me, the ze zim issue is a separate issue, and it's not just about asking cis het people to do something. For me it's too big a demand on older people's memories. I already have a hard time recalling people's pronouns, and 3 is the limit I can even try to keep track of. That's not anti-trans sentiment. It's a realistic assessment of my current cognitive ability. Too many young people pay no attention to the demands they put on older people.

aww. I'm gonna cry too while I write this love letter. Thanks Matt you're a welcome counterpoint here. I've got four years of whiplash going from Blaire to Contra to Arielle, to Judith Butler and Safe Word. Found I had to clear YT history nearly every couple days to prevent being taken too far in any direction. This podcast feels way more humane and practical. On this topic, personally, I'm a 6'4" nationals swimmer, school captain, school dux, commencing scholarship at business school, came out at 28 - very likely too late. While passing has definitely assured my safety before, it has also taken something from me. My first partners as a gay man were very very queer people, trans women and drag queens. Reflecting on this now, 36 years old, it was just a dramatic pole-shift of intuition, not design. What I found and still find is that those people who I am still very close with, having come out sooner (one in kindergarten in Communist Poland (!!!), one at 10) they are so incredibly stronger in character than me, the tall, respectable, passing athlete. I've been jealous of the fruities in my past, I still am. You have gifts that I don't have. So, a warm embrace from me for all the fruities, from Melbourne AU. Some of you have the biggest hearts around, have done the hardest work, and here I am looking up at you

i LOVE the idea that Americans especially find things that are "not for them" MORALLY WRONG. it's so so so so true . saving the timestamp for myself 49:22

28:12 I agree with this, we don’t need to practice tolerance for in-tolerance. The people who are intolerant will not respect you for holding the door open for them to continue to preach against your very existence. Love this entire video!

I came over to KZread to comment because I'm listening to the podcast. This talk was so moving and so empowering (and so hilarious: "Maybe neither of them could host"). Thank you. I think you can probably also link respectability gays to "perfect little boy" syndrome that a lot of us embodied growing up. Knowing there was something "wrong" with us, we strived to be perfect at home, perfect at school, pathologically high-achievers in order to insulate ourselves against criticism from outside and shame from inside. Those instincts to not transgress (and thus receive punishment) are still there in us. But it's trauma, not a viable political strategy.

@drdevonprice

2 ай бұрын

Yes!! "Best Little Boy in the World" Syndrome!!

@rabbitfishtv

2 ай бұрын

@@drdevonprice Right, I couldn’t remember that phrase!

just wanted to say thank you for speaking on non-binary folks. i struggle with feeling like i don't belong ANYWHERE because of the stigma around gender non-conforming people, and i often keep to myself. i personally have found more community (besides other nb and gender non-conforming communities) and acceptance with cis people who seek to understand me and respect me than with binary trans people who have, in the past, invalidated my identity, which is SO bizarre to me!

@curiouslittlefrog

2 ай бұрын

This this this this, it feels so weird to feel like I’m socially floating in space because I don’t exist in “one or the other” mindset

@franciszekdo

2 ай бұрын

It's unfortunate (and unacceptable) but I think a lot of it comes from people taking their dysphoria out on others. Trans people are pushed into a third gendered space whether or not we want to be. Intentionally existing in that gender liminal space might be unsettling for someone is trying to get out of it.

@raumarsene9910

2 ай бұрын

​@@franciszekdoYeah that pretty much describes transmedicalists to a tee. They also like to take thier dysphoria out on trans folk who have little to no dysphoria (which i notice they tend to associate with being nonbinary) because they unfortunately can't disconnect thier self-loathing due to gender dysphoria from thier concept of being trans. The idea that someone can be okay with being trans and not being born in a cis body or may prefer some of thier nonconforming features really angers them and so they respond by attempting to gatekeep the label of trans based on thier own arbitrary and non-medically accurate criteria.

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

​@@raumarsene9910i don't really understand transmedicalists. I know people who have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and have transitioned physically, and even pass as their identified gender, but _still_ don't fit these Online Transmed ""expert"" standards

@coolchameleon21

29 күн бұрын

i’ve also experienced bigotry from binary trans people as an enby. it’s bizarre, like we’re on the same team 💀

Thank you for diffusing the stigmas against the kink and BDSM community! As a kinkster, it's insane that the "me" mentality can continue through, even to gay sex. So many people "discover" things about you and it really is this "well I wouldn't do it so why do you?" Kink is such an intrinsic part of LGBTQ+ culture and I wish people would stop seeing it as a threat in their own community. We're all just people, we're not monsters. We face the same battles, except your stigma for us is just one more thing we have to face from within.

im so early the only other comments are sex bots 🩷

@MattBernstein1

2 ай бұрын

░M░Y░P░U░S░S░Y░I░N░B░I░O░

@fluffycrumpetbaby

2 ай бұрын

​​​@@MattBernstein1 STOP. NO 🤣💀

@nihilasta2661

2 ай бұрын

​@@MattBernstein1 oh please Matt we all knows it's a Bussy not a pussy. Or alternatively, a Munt😘

@laurenwalker1048

2 ай бұрын

My favourite is when the sex bots ask deep questions like “what’s your earliest childhood memory” and the profile picture is just a juicy ass.

@someonesomeone25

2 ай бұрын

Wish they'd hurry up and invent real sexbots

37:38 rights that get taken away if you make mistakes were never rights, they were privileges being bestowed. which like isn’t how basic human rights works. they’re not the same and shouldn’t be treated as such

What baffles me the most is that I met Buck Angel personally in 2016. He was a sweetheart back then, told me it was ok to be a non-binary person. And now he is acting like a trans version of JK Rowling, which is insane.

@hungrytroodontid

2 ай бұрын

Such a sad change.

@larissabrglum3856

2 ай бұрын

It's unfortunate, there was a time when I thought he was cool

That VASpider post has lived rent free in my head since they first posted it. Great stuff.

@va.spider

2 ай бұрын

💗

... 25:58 has anyone ever been bullied back into mental health? Ever?? I used to get bullied in high school. My mom wpuld try to convince me to just conform moee, 'why can't you just try putting your head down and try and dress like them or something?' I am _never_ going to try to change my behavior to fit in w people who think it's okay to throw garbage out moving car windows at other humans. Some people do not deserve to be pleased.

Me at beginning of the video: Oh this is a cool topic Me at the end of the video: PREACH MOTHER MATT PERIODTTT

As a gay man I have struggled when having conversations with bisexual friends because so much of what I perceive as being gay or queer comes from my experience of being othered, so when a bi friend tells me they are bi but they look totally cis-het and are adults who don’t actively seek to explore that part of themselves, it feels like they want the benefits of being seen as open without the struggle of being othered. But when your guest pointed out that it isn’t a privilege to be so scared or not feel comfortable to act on those type of feelings that really resonated because I can definitely relate to those feelings…and openly being othered has actually helped me to combat them so yeah, it’s complicated. 😅

@MsMuruthi

2 ай бұрын

While I do agree that it isn't good to have to hide that part of yourself, I think it's important to point out that privilege is privilege regardless if you like it or not, there's is still problems that you'll not face in a M/F relationship as opposed to same sex, denying that is dishonest. Every Bisexual person who's binary and has dated both male and female seriously knows how different your life is depending on what gender your partner is, there's nothing wrong in recognizing this. So yeah, while bi people have to hide their same sex attraction, in a society that values men and women being together in every way possible and at all the time, it is a privilege to be able to have this type of relationship and be happy with it, there's several bi hetero romantic guys that never had or cared enough to have a relationship with another men, and most of them even don't identify themselves as Bisexuals, they continue to identify as straight, these guys definitely have less problems regarding their sexuality than a gay cis guy who's only able to date other men, or a lesbian. This is all coming from a Bi person btw

I'm glad this is being talked about. I admit I used to be one of those saying "i have no problem with gay people as long as they don't shove it in my face" but luckily I was able to eventually grow past that narrow way of thinking as I learned more about the LGBTQ community. It's really not up to me or other heterosexual cis people to decide what's the "proper" or "correct" way to present yourself as a queer person. You both look gorgeous btw. Fucking slaying.

I'm an AFAB AroAce person and when I go to the doctor to talk about getting a hysterectomy (for also as part of my bottom surgery), I'm not taken seriously by PROFESSIONALS because it's either not "real" or I'll "change my mind" or "grow out of it". I'm sex-repulsed too and prefer a partner to also be Ace or somewhere on the spectrum at the very least but that's hard to find for obvious reasons and people don't realize that... I don't wanna compromise on having sex because sex makes me feel uncomfortable so I pretty much accepted the fact that I'm never gonna have a life partner due to that...

@Anonymous-54545

2 ай бұрын

Whoa, there are LOTS of people who are ace. You could def have a partner. (Not sure what it would mean to be aro and have one... I'm autistic and can't really differentiate between romantic and nonromantic hyperfixation on someone.)

@Acalamity

2 ай бұрын

@@Anonymous-54545 Literally. I feel like people who can't find ace partners just sit around waiting to be approached (which 99.9% won't be someone ace). Ace people are literally everywhere. My partner is ace. I am ace. I know 9 ace men and 4 ace women online. So many single ace people all around, people just need to look and apply work.

@mirandamullet8334

2 ай бұрын

Oh same. I absolutely get that.

It reminds me of contrapoints saying as satire "im a real trangender and youre not and youre making us all look bad, youre the reason why transphobes hate us" or something. I actually knew people like that, who seriously thought that especially about nb people or gay people who dont fit in certain norms. Like im an nb lesbian and i have heard more saphics talking trash about nb ppl than cishet ppl do at this point. It does feel like internalized queerphobia

@slackslumber8523

2 ай бұрын

I’m an NB sapphic and I’ve never seen that before. Thats so insane 😭 how do you talk shit about gender nonconformity when you’re sapphic? It sounds like an oxymoron lol. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that.

The question is always HOW any given person is annoying. If a gay guy farts right next to me in public transportation that is at least A problem. To my knowledge that hasn’t happened yet, thank god. Okay, silliness aside, this is a good topic to cover and I will actually watch the video.

@Art-zp1qg

2 ай бұрын

My god. If someone did that to me I would press charges.

i cant explain how grateful i am to have so much sex worker inclusion in this discussion. very grateful. we are so often overlooked as a major part of this community and our collective fight for liberation.

@Atheismisbased

Ай бұрын

Sex workers are awesome and valid part of working class and deserve decriminalization and destigmatization and equal rights. Sex worker rights are human rights.

@mackadoodless

Ай бұрын

Sex work is exploitation. It’s vile and sick.

OMG!!! Devon Price is one of the main authors that helped me realize that I'm probably autistic! I'm so happy to see the two of you talking together, especially as a fan of both of your work! Keep it up bois!!!

Thank you so much for recognizing how painful it is to be an invisible bisexual, and the guilt and shame that comes with being in straight passing relationships. The invisibility seems like it would be easy, but to feel so excluded from the queer community when I deeply identify with them is a constant source of pain for me. I love all of this.

@tiktokvibes6969

Ай бұрын

You put the "B" in LGBTQIA ❤

This video passed by SO FAST. It was an amazing conversation. Both of your points were all so interesting to listen to.

I’m so glad you’re talking about this. As a trans man, I often find myself going down very negative ways of thinking; putting so much importance on passing and not looking queer. Trying to assimilate has caused me so much mental anguish and I really wish we could break down these preconceived ideas of what one must look like to fit in

This has been a conversation for a long time, and it's a tired one. From early representations, to Jack McFarlane on Will & Grace, to Jonathan Van Ness, it's the same insecure queens who cry about how these individuals "hurt" the "cause". It's those same people who forget that we didn't build those closets. As someone who grew up with characters like Buddy Cole from Kids In The Hall, I feel like a lot of people don't see that being honest to who you are is an act of rebellion. It's the punkiest thing you can do as a queer person. I'm not going to just throw it in your face, I'm going to make you eat. I get that not everyone is safe enough, or in the right heart space, to be that for themselves, however I do think it's something all of us have to do. I choose now to queer up as much space as I can, because I often find that's what people want anyway. The ones who don't seethe. I no longer see my life, or what I do, through their lens. Flip that sucker around and you start to see that the world is much larger than that. Life is too short and there are far too many colors in the rainbow to paint with than greige. Above all else, the last thing our communities need is another cop.

@Darkloid21

2 ай бұрын

You need a bigger perspective if that's what you think. You ever consider the issues people had with rep was not because of insecurity but rather that people would just assume the wrong things about them just because they're queer. How many gay men have to put up with the stereotypes the "weird gays" propagated to the point damage control had to by done by queer people. For someone talking about how big the world is your perspective is small.

@NextToToddliness

2 ай бұрын

@@Darkloid21 Girlfriend, aren't you paying attention? You ARE a stereotype.

@Darkloid21

2 ай бұрын

@@NextToToddliness I’m not dude. That’s the point I’m making, because of people like the “annoying gays” everyone thinks I am.

@cedaremberr

2 ай бұрын

God help me I love Buddy Cole

@NextToToddliness

2 ай бұрын

@@Darkloid21 People like you have existed since long before you were born, from the preppy, corporate gays of the 80's, to the gay Don't Ask, Don't Tell advocates of the 90's, to the gay TikTok "bros" of the now. You are nothing new, and people like you have never been a net positive for our communities, because no one remembers the heteronormative gay who tells everyone "we should enjoy our oppression, because it's normal". That's called indoctrination, my dear. Now look, we've all tasted that boot at some point in our lives, but some of us just develop a taste for it. If it wasn't for the "weird gays", people like you wouldn't even have the choice to include or exclude yourself from the "Straight" communities. You'd be just another sad, closeted gay who has to hook-up in the shadows, because that's just the life you accepted. Again, we've been here before... You sound young and angry, so here's some unsolicited advice I got from our beautiful and weird queer communities, and it's a math equation so all you rational, logical bros out there will enjoy it: "The difference between reality and expectations is pain."

You gotta question if these people have any of their own opinions, tastes and styles at all. They really do seem to think that you’re supposed to just do whatever you see other people doing. I don’t understand how a human lives like that…

I think the Folsom scat pig used the “message about consent” argument to justify it but later walked it back and said “nah girl I’m just a scat pig.” His back literally had the words scat pig smeared. Yes I’m deep in the scat pig lore mind your business

@MattBernstein1

2 ай бұрын

genuinely so happy for him. live your truth sister!

@actualgoblin

2 ай бұрын

I'll be adding this one to the Poop Lore iceberg

@quandaredevil

2 ай бұрын

@@MattBernstein1the issue though is that he was also smearing it on other people nonconsensually, which is both SA and a bio hazard. and unfortunately many people were using the same “just world” theory you all talked about in this episode to make excuses for him, saying “well if they didn’t want that to happen to them then they shouldn’t have gone to a kink festival.” all of this makes his past claim about the message of consent very ironic