They are not happy when you’re not angry! So they have to make you angry! They seem to love the chaos!

@ratherbfishing455

2 жыл бұрын

No one can make you angry.

@rorywright5692

2 жыл бұрын

@@ratherbfishing455 My response to him was angry.

@ratherbfishing455

2 жыл бұрын

@@rorywright5692 I try to realize the are that way and want to get a reaction. This is going to be an interesting topic.

@rorywright5692

2 жыл бұрын

@@ratherbfishing455 Agree!

@tedschmitt178

2 жыл бұрын

They are suffering so they want someone else to share their suffering.

I had this exact thought yesterday when my mother was carrying on! Coincidence! People use anger and rage to try to scare people into capitulation because they feel that they cannot get what they want through peaceful reasoning and requests.

@cymbolichuman433

2 жыл бұрын

I felt that way, not dealing with subjects maturely. It's work to be a good person and education that doesn't seem to exist at home.

@mikekunt2895

2 жыл бұрын

Aka BULLIES

@shawnellemartineaux6212

2 жыл бұрын

@gmailer gmail you leave.

My mother was always very angry. When she cleaned the house she would fly into rages. When I got married my husband asked me one day while cleaning why I was so angry. I said I wasn't..I had NO idea I was doing what I learned. It took at least 6 months of self talk that I was okay and had nothing to be angry about while I cleaned. It was surprisingly hard to break this cycle as I spent my entire childhood watching and absorbing.

@rosewagner8735

2 жыл бұрын

How did you get passed the anger? Struggling with some learned anger myself.

@hissyfitz7890

2 жыл бұрын

Those buttons were installed from the get go; anger & many other dysfunctional behaviors are difficult to deprogram.

@collie8

2 жыл бұрын

congrats for reprogramming and also for having your husband :)

@vicbaker8367

2 жыл бұрын

Ha ha! This reminds me of myself and house cleaning. Especially doing dishes. Someone once asked me why I hated doing dishes. I stopped to think. There was no reason except my mother hated it to the point of beating us kids while we washed dishes. Apparently we always did it wrong. Dr. Carter made a video a good while back discussing anger management. It helped me more than any other thing.

@susancunningham60

2 жыл бұрын

@@rosewagner8735 it was not easy. I started paying attention to how I felt and just kept talking myself down and telling myself I really wasn't angry, it wasn't fun to clean so why make it worse by getting so mad. I am almost 60 and till this day I still have to occassionally catch myself. Don't give up. You can do it, you are worth being a happy person. 🙂🙂

I am "angry" once in a while from walking on egg shells all day, every day and from being walked on all over in any unexpected situation. At the moment I can't break free and speaking up and trying to boldly set boundaries ends up in rage towards me. My anger in this case is a cry of helplessness and not knowing how to deal with the situation which is very exhausting. I see each day as a gift anyways and try my best to make the best of it. Sometimes I think that my anger comes from not being strong enough to set stricter boundaries which would be necessary. It takes a lot of courage to follow through on set boundaries and change. Even little changes are uplifting and encourage to keep on going, but ANGER still pops up here and there when bulldozered over. AGAIN. This disappointment of ill treatment is frustrating and often results in a silent, sad anger. One day all will be dealt with in a more healthy calm. I'm learning

@carriedillmann4455

2 жыл бұрын

Your anger is a NORMAL REACTION to being treated like crap by the narcissist !! I promise you your anger will leave you once YOU LEAVE THE NARC(s) in your life !!!!!!!!!!!

@gertrudewest4535

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for having the courage to share in a genuine and authentic way. I noticed there is a lot of finger pointing amongst most posts and a lack of self reflection about our own behavior. You rock!

@lunatic8877

2 жыл бұрын

I'm also at this point. Good luck with getting to where you need to be eventually. I know how hard it is ❤

@s.s.8029

2 жыл бұрын

I can feel your pain and anger! Once I woke up to the emotional abuse and abandonment, I was ANGRY, mostly at myself for not recognizing it. Then I got angry at my h (and his family) for behaving the way I do. Once I got my anger under control, I had so much peace. No longer faking and telling the truth was so freeing. I no longer live in denial and am living the life I missed out on for almost 20 years. Letting go of expectations of people changing to be healthy and I choose to let their anger bounce off of me, no more internalizing.

@painteroflove

2 жыл бұрын

@@s.s.8029 Good for you, S.S. in letting go of those expectations! That's a very difficult thing to let go of. Letting the anger bounce off of you? Congratulations! That's the name of the game. Good for you.

I just have to walk away/get away from angry people. Oftentimes they are not willing to reflect on their actions and will shift the blame onto others. No accountability whatsoever. I do applaud those who are aware and actively working on themselves.

The narcissists in my family hate me because I don't think the way they do. They cannot point to one thing I have done to them that is worthy of this hatred toward me. This is the reason I believe they avoid me rather than coming to have a conversation to clear things up. They don't like me for my belief system not because I have done anything to them. They all act the same way which leads me to believe there has been family gossip.

@Clary_Sage

2 жыл бұрын

…also none of this behaviour makes any sense and there can be no resolution. That’s what twists my brain! ❤️

I thought angry people were powerful and pleased with themselves. Maybe not. I am looking forward to learning.

The first memories of my mother were of her being angry. My Dad was always happy and loving. Mother was histrionic and cold. I’m glad I take after my Dad. 😊🙏🏼❤️

@kk-wh3hb

2 жыл бұрын

Same here. All I can remember is my mother screaming louder than Roseanne Barbarian when I was 4, so loud it was disturbing. The last time I talked to her was 10 years ago and I made the mistake of telling her how her second husband molested me when I was 8. Her response was to stick her nose up in the air and she asked me why I let him do it and she asked me that with a little smirk on her face. I just walked away without saying a word. He was in his 30's. My brother and sister stopped talking to her many years before I did. She did send me a letter last year saying she hoped I was ok and she loved me. I didn't respond. My Father is 86 and still married to his second wife for over 40 years.

@christinalw19

2 жыл бұрын

@@kk-wh3hb I’m so sorry. Screwed up families either make us nutty or make us stronger and better. Obviously, our mothers had issues. Happy you still have your Dad. I lost mine in 1973. but we had a close relationship always. 😘

@kk-wh3hb

2 жыл бұрын

@@leonap4814 I'm not. She gets to own every bit of the crap she has pulled in her life. I was her youngest and was also the only one still talking to her. My sister had stopped talking to her when she was 14. There is also her racism, and smoking cigarettes for over 60 years and absolutely believing that second hand smoke doesn't harm others including children, even though I grew up on inhalers. Another thing she had talked about, the last time we spoke, was about how her fourth husband had just left her. He was 86 and had enough. She ranted for hours about how horrible he was (he really wasn't) and at the same time, was trying to get him to stay. I finally asked why she wanted to him to stay even though she obviously couldn't stand him. Her answer was that she didn't want to be alone...😑 A little later is when I mentioned her second husband...🙄 After that, I wasn't feeling too supportive of her and her latest divorce and loneliness.

@yvonneconradie904

2 жыл бұрын

My childhood was daily beatings and spit flying screaming by the woman that gave birth to me. Her anger chased my dad away, chased the rest of the family away. She'd beat us before church and afterwards because we did not sit like stone statues. She is excellent at playing the victim, alwas having her chalkline ready to display. Best thing I did was to cut her out of my life.

@leonap4814

2 жыл бұрын

@@yvonneconradie904 before church. I mean she does that and then goes to to pray or what

What I find as "dangerous Anger" is the narcissist posing that they are "nice", when in FACT they are deeply angered at everyone. This anger is portrayed at all levels. Non compliance, no manners, ,name calling, doors slammed in your face, breaking their word, making sure you are LATE or making you WAIT intentionally. The anger is so deeply layered there is no UNDOING it. Eventually my narc husband told me "I HATE WOMEN!" I have come to realize, there is no fixing him. He will repeat his train wreck personality in the next relationship. I prefer TEAM HEALTHY.

@kaytiedidd1780

2 жыл бұрын

Especially when they wear 'robes' at church, and take over some program--usually children! I have seen it more than I care to think about it.

@raymondgarafano8604

2 жыл бұрын

Any luck, other women will go on to another track, any luck whoever he meets, his forever being not able to deal with minor upsets will be a red flag to any1 behind him.

@sharonsmith2480

2 жыл бұрын

@Johanna. Do you think he is interested in the same sex, but for various reasons keeps it secret?

@s.s.8029

2 жыл бұрын

My in-laws are like this. So nice in public, but monsters behind closed doors. I honestly don't know how they sleep at night with all the anger and bitterness that surrounds them. There is never any resolution and the same issues pop up time and time again. It is truly the living definition of insanity. They thrive on drama and I have chosen to remove myself from the toxicity when possible. As an empath or highly-sensitive person, I have always felt the angst as soon as I walk into a room. No more and I feel so much better. My husband does not understand, but I have to do what is right for me.

@joannajohnson696

2 жыл бұрын

@@sharonsmith2480 he gets along with men famously. Always friendly, often too friendly.

I have a lot of respect for the people here admitting to their anger problems. That a marker of good character.

I WOULD like to share a message I received from a dear school friend - It read - A wise man was once asked " What is Anger ?? " His reply :: " It is a punishment you give to yourself for someone else 's mistake "

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Great way to look at it! Dr. C

@patriciasaldanha3165

2 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter To look at what Dr. C. ?? At WHAT ?? - Great way ?? WHAT Way ?? -- to look at WHAT ( 2 ) ( 2 ) - and (1) what way ? WHAT GREAT WAY ?? ( 1 ) gateway gateway Great way ?? Dr C 🎨 - Sugar Daddy 🧩🧸🎯🙋‍♀️🖼🖼

@patriciasaldanha3165

2 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter 💤💤DR C - C See SEE 👁💤💤door gate key 🗝 C see SEA 🌊🌊🌊see Sugar🗝👁🧩 Daddy🌊🧩💤🌊💤🌊🌊🌊🗝🌊🌊🌊🌊🖼🌊sea🌊sleep 🌊see🗝 C🌊🌊💤🌊

@patriciasaldanha3165

2 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter sleep 💤💤sleep lost comment lost key - see C Sea 🗝 Sugar Daddy🌊🌊🌊🧸🌊💙🌊💙🌊❤🌊💤🌊🗝🌊💤

@patriciasaldanha3165

2 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter It would be far easier to die☠▪️💀☠ Dr C ☠ It is the best🔳 ☠ anyone could wish ☠ ◾for us it is better▪️☠ than dying a thousand deaths◾ ☠ everyday☠☠◾

I know that my anger comes from sheer frustration. When you’ve supported a person thru a complex situation and you’ve kept as calm as you can be and turned to logic … when your requests for normality and logic are not understood or honoured then anger rears it’s head because there is no other emotion left to turn too. I have lost control in this way handling a complex situation within our family . Sometimes it’s sheer exhaustion and frustration . I have acted in this way, I am but human. But I will always try the calm approach first but my situation has been going on continually for 12 months and my patience is now anger. Sometimes you have to let it out to them bring about the calm . Your so stuck in it you can’t see the logical way forward. If your generally logical thinking person you can be too calm . Anger can show , oh boy how much your not going to deal with the situation any more and you go into self preservation mode. Anger can show you’ve basically had enough. End of the line. And you can’t go forward any which way you try . It is at this point that your either going to be understood or ignored. In my case , ignored. Then you walk away , your done… sometimes emotion held over you for long periods is a form of control and ignorance. 😢

@sharonsmith2480

2 жыл бұрын

Anger is a God given emotion. Religious people especially say anger is a sin, and for the most part, it is. It is not the emotion, it is what one says or does when angry. When you control what you will or will not say, what you will or will not do, then the emotion can be felt, the intensity that needs to be released. Speak truth and do what is right. However, for me, when I have done that, the person spoken to hates the truth, and then accuses me of tone of voice. The world has become a world of medicated zombies or raging lunatics. Healthy emotions are rarely seen. But, remember this : Jesus took whips to the money changers in the temple. He overturned their tables. I don’t think he strolled through with a smile on His face, or with calm composure. He had righteous indignation and He displayed it and it was written down nearly 2,000 years ago, so we could read it. Keep in mind that Jesus is God and He did not sin. There is a God given emotion called anger and the key is knowing how to express it - with Truth and righteousness, for which you will be hated as was Jesus.

@aaronfischer9885

2 жыл бұрын

I'm ignored too. I look at it as shedding energies, that no longer match your frequency. "Be careful what you tolerate. You are teaching people how to treat you." ~ Unknown

"It's not easy but it can be done." I'll keep that in mind, Dr. C, when the time comes. Greetings from Uruguay.

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

So pleased to be with you in Uruguay! Dr. C

I got angry today, then remembered I want to be on team healthy. Thanks to you Dr Carter

@makesnodifference

2 жыл бұрын

I am always angry. :'(

In my journey there are individuals that are angry and aggressive and no matter what they have to be the right fighter. I have learned to just pick the battles that are worth debating.

I read somewhere that ANGER is focused, and RAGE is scattershot. More often than not my ex would explode in rage. Yet what he wrote about himself was something akin to, “I have trouble remembering negative things. I was taught to wash them out of my mind as a way to have a happy life. It works well.” He couldn’t remember anything he said or did, but once in the middle of an argument he said to me, “And you paid too much for your car 2 years ago!”

This is going to answer a major question for me. My weakness is that I don't always respond to them in a mature way. They come at me whacking at me and then follow me around makes me want to whack them right back. That is not the right way to respond. I will grow from this next lesson. Thank you for it.

@summerkwai528

2 жыл бұрын

Your awareness, reflection on your own behavior, desire to be a better person -respond to others anger in a healthy manner, desire to emotionally grow & act on is awesome. I believe Dr Carter's words are being a member of team healthy. Kudos to you! 👍

@southernsoul152

2 жыл бұрын

@@summerkwai528 Your comment was so beautiful 🙏🏽 Bless you

@southernsoul152

2 жыл бұрын

I pray you will as I hope that I will be better for it too. I related to your comment

@GabrielsTears

2 жыл бұрын

@@summerkwai528 Thank you for these kind words. I am the first to admit that need growth. I am learning so much from Dr C and others.

@GabrielsTears

2 жыл бұрын

@@southernsoul152 I pay you do as well. The first step is to admit that we need to change. Then we can change ourselves. Something the narc can never do.

I've read, listened to and watched many different explanations on how to work through anger, however, this one is the best. Defining my character and maintaining integrity is important to me and I didn't realize it was the key. It is a viscous cycle: Establish character, keep integrity, get angry, lose perspective, damage character, be incongruous.

Was once told that if I am expressing anger over spilt milk then I've been angry long before the milk was poured.

As usual, Dr. Carter nails it again. When I am driving to work and I feel my frustration rise at the person driving under the speed limit in front of me to be kind to my “shadow person “, ( your earlier post). It instantly puts me in check. I am dealing with a difficult work place environment at the moment. I remind myself that we are messy, inconvenient creatures and humans are not here for my narcissistic supply. I think my anger in the past dealing with unhealthy personalities was, ironically, controlling on my part. Relearning. Rethinking. And finding myself a lot less angry.

Oh, Dr. Les. The "I am them" and "they are me" role while listening to you is useful as an exposure therapy stimulus. Ain't nothin' and ain't easy. But. It's WAY less damaging than putting up an insecure "I'm ok" front. Practice, practice, practice. I'm finding that my learning to use benign triggering as opportunity to find my own porous boundaries reduces peripheral damage. And I feel better. After I calm down. Like a comforted child whose had a scary dream. Many sincere thanks. Praise be to Jesus Christ. Thank you.

I really came to this channel for the Narcissism-specific content, having being through that, but these more general videos about healthy and unhealthy behavior are great too. There is a lot of crossover of course.

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, I started this channel so I could speak more broadly about counseling issues. Glad you're on board. Dr. C

@tgfitzgerald

2 жыл бұрын

I like this channel even better! I feel like I have as thorough an understanding of narcissism as is possible for a layperson. Now I'm trying to focus on other aspects of behavior and mental health and the videos here are really helping me in my journey. Thanks Dr. C for this content!

@AlastairjCarruthers

2 жыл бұрын

@@tgfitzgerald Right? I think many of us are basically experts on narcissism at this point! It's nice to also also find out about some positive ways that we can ourselves grow as individuals.

Being angry in the moment when something hits the fan is a natural response. Hanging on to the anger for days and weeks is unhealthy. I just had a big blowup with my sister and after a few days of no contact with eachother she e-mailed me saying the only contact we are to have is by email. I was willing to go along with that. The only thing is ,after over a week ,she is the one who still refuses to engage me . I've sent several non personal emails to her. It tells me she still harbors anger and resentment and is unable to get past our issue like I am

Years of suppressed anger had me suffering bouts of rage, but towards myself. Setting boundaries and asserting myself alleviates nearly all the anger. Being able to feel allowed to express anger is such a relief, it helps to be able to express it in a healthy way. Saying I feel angry right now, dissipates the anger.

@s.s.8029

2 жыл бұрын

When I finally got assertive (after 18 years of being a doormat) i was labled as difficult! Too bad. I had a co-worker praise me for being more assertive after being shy and quiet for my first year or two.i have to say that it feels good to stand up for myself and others.

@DarthShadie

2 жыл бұрын

@@s.s.8029 It certainly does. And as we heal and assert more, it becomes less scary to do so and I can now express more often feelings of disappointment or anger in a calm way.

I have a severe Traumatic Brain Injury that's turned to a developmental disability. I feel I've gotten to this stage due to narcissistic abuse. My mom constantly compares herself to me and has preyed upon me since I was a baby. I am now monetarily attached to her. I tried working and she came for a visit and turned my world upside-down. Now I don't have a job and reattached. I don't likenthis codependency, bit I'm disabled and can't find public help to relieve me from her grasp. I'm raging angry and can't talk to her.

Dr. C - you made me realize something: sometimes anger shares one thing in common with disappointment - unrealistic expectations. When we are disappointed and get angry, it may be because our expectations were unrealistic. It's like getting angry with your dog because she won't do what you expect of her. She's a DOG, silly, not a human. We're the same way aren't we? When someone's little neurons misfire and they don't meet our expectations, we may get hurt and then get angry because we expected too much. We're just humans and not perfect...

@raymondgarafano8604

2 жыл бұрын

Hello Oxigenarian, What if the expectations were NOT unreasonable? Something that could have been done with no problem at all and they EFT it all up, say a man tells his son to scrape off the loose paint on the fence, sand it, then paint it. You know he can do it, yet he fux it up royally. Of course, ur pissed and you'd have a right to be. It seems like this would be a legitimate beef? a job to be done that could have been done right. . .and it wasn't now the man has two issues, getting the job right and finding out why it was NOT done right, Yeah I'd be pissed.

@oxigenarian9763

2 жыл бұрын

@@raymondgarafano8604 Good point but the dad's anger was not misplaced: the son was capable of doing it right. If the son was mentally or physically challenged, would we get angry because he didn't do it right? We are really talking about expecting narcissists to be reasonable when they simply are not, will not and can not be reasonable. We adjust our expectations to this reality so they don't draw US offsides. If we get angry with a narcissist, they have won, we lose. That is the only way we can be free from the frustration they try to create in our lives.

Spot on! Many of these people are in positions of authority (at least in my circle) and they are NOT leadership material. My way or the highway. Always blaming others for their shortcomings. I work with preschoolers and we try to teach how to properly deal with their emotions and anger. Some of the preschoolers I work with are easier than adults in my life. There is no teamwork with these people. I've learned to either eliminate these people from my life, when possible, or when not possible to eliminate them, I only engage on a surface level and guard my heart against them. And I finally learned to not take it personally. I no longer placate or make excuses for their poor behavior.

The scariest anger I ever encountered was that of my teenager who was being brainwashed against me. I didn't know why and she would not say. She must've been desperately insecure being persuaded (by narc granny)that she couldn't trust her parents who loved her

I tend to be passively aggressive at angry people. "If you love your finger, keep it away from my face." If that get caught between my molars, I don't let go unless they plead that they're sorry.

Spot on, Dr.C. It is so draining to be on the receiving end of anger

Angry people can be aware people, it depends what you do with the emotion.

I grew up around angry people. Three weeks ago, I got triggered by something and ended up seeing danger where it wasn't. I had to step away from very dear friends while I put my energy toward rebuilding me. My reaction was not appropriate. I came accross this video shortly after that. I wrote down what you said of who I wanted to be. I don't suppress my emotions anymore, but when I lose my perspective in these emotions, I always go back to what I wrote of what you said. I'm better able to accept what I can or cannot control, without cynicism. I've rediscovered that steady person inside, and with their guidance, I'll keep building up until everyone is ready to forgive what happened and move forward in whatever shape that looks like. I wanted to thank you for making this. It was a perspective I desperately (aha) needed to hear and I'll keep your words in mind as wisdom for the future. Much love, and with an open heart and clear mind. :)

@Chris-dw7gq

Жыл бұрын

I get you! Very sorry, I understand. We are not saints and everyone we knew flies off the handle.😮

I'm around people that don't even allow you to say anything regarding what you need, or to be assertive to what is right. Of course, not all of them. You have no idea about how many people I must deal with, who desire to have everything their way. They try to play you and abuse you just because they want to and believe it's okay to blow up in anger at people (verbally, or covertly). In time, I can make changes (as in moving on). I took an anger management course, many years back, so i understand how to control my anger (thank God), but others don't and it's condoned in the work place much too much.

That's much better advice than I got from my counselor. She encouraged me to vent, and it just made me angrier in my day to day life. She said anger was the tip of a much larger iceberg but didn't go into detail about what the rest of the iceberg consisted of, and where my anger came from. I wanted to get to the bottom of it, and she wasn't much help. It became not worth the price. I am calmer when I do my own research.

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Research actually shows that "therapeutic venting" does little to nothing to alleviate the anger. You might be interested in my book, The Anger Trap. It should clarify a lot for you. Keep leaning forward! Dr. C

@brightphoebus

2 жыл бұрын

@@DrLesCarter Thank you Dr. Carter. : )

I regress at times and when I am able to set boundaries and speak "l feel" statements and let go I can feel better. And sometimes I just have to let go of the relationship. Btw there are health connections. When I take liver herbs I can get edgy and I remember oh maybe it's the herbs. And I share that if appropriate and I lighten up. What we eat and the environment really does impact some of us especially if hypersensitive. I find meditation really helps. I have also really focused on joy and gratitude as best I am able.

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Yes to what you say here, Nancy. We're each a work in progress, including you, including me. Dr. C

Thank you for all you do for us Dr.C

Wow, I have some work to do! Without realizing it, I've been waiting for others to change. Well, hoping others change. It is myself who needs to change. Thanks so much.

My sister went into a narcissistic rage against me, because I made sa comment about our Family caring more about how they look to outsiders than they do about family members. All you have to do with a narcissist is question their image-conscious behaviors and they fly into a nuclear meltdown of narcissistic rage. How am I supposed to think THAT'S a "normal reaction" to one stupid comment? I can't stand when they do this. I feel totally embarrassed.

Not all anger is internal. Life can make you angry, others can too. Imagine if someone smashed into your car while they are texting. Is everyone supposed to be Ghandi? I live with and among many selfish fools.

Dr Les, you're based! Greetings from Sweden 🇸🇪🙌

these angry narcissists are almost zombie like in their obsessive seething quiet anger. they seem to seek out temporary relief for their self hate by triggering others usually their target. that disregulation of the target gives the narc a moment of energy because for a moment they are distracted from their own pain. any chance they get to inflict some type of confusion on another is a brief ugly win for the angry. being humble and gracious is the only way to defeat angry of any kind.

Working on it, getting better. Hard when groomed to be angry by the CN. Thank you for encouragement.

Thanks, Dr. Carter! There was a time when i was desperate for knowing the root/reason for the chaos in my precious little family. I was desperate for peace. I told the narcissist to leave. Chaos is now occasional (when having to still deal with him from time to time) but peace is always present because i now know how to have peace even when the narcissist can’t keep it.

The angry are exhausting.

Hello Dr. L.Carter, I used to see this a lot at times and actually thought it was the way grownups act, That was some time ago. Thank you very much for the work you do here. Your videos have helped me very much. Now I know there is no need to 'Storm out of a room in a real huff' not saying it is easy to control but is a real mark of having grown up. Thanks again.

What about anger at unfairness, injustice, lies, control, or manipulation? How can we develop skills to manage anger from those situations?

That’s it Dr Carter - draw upon internal strength when a narcissist is disregulated & toxic. Just notice their behaviour ,as their responsibility & if this does effect me, & I call it out & I don’t get the recognition I need just realise it’s their choice. So, I notice this - like mindfulness

Great insight

Thank you, Les. This helps greatly.🌸

You are a great support Dr Les thankyou

Thank you Dr. Carter, you're the best, great video!

Practical advise, Dr Les. Thank you.

Another beautiful, wise discussion .. Thanks Dr. Carter !

Thank you so much Dr. les Carter.

Dear Dr. Carter. I just finished your book, and appreciate it very much. It certainly filled in the rest of the iceberg! Chapter 11 on Forgiveness and Acceptance, and chapter 6 on Insecurity were the biggies for me. Lots of insight to remember as I go forward. I have another new therapist now as well, I can discuss the specifics with in navigating my closest remaining relationships. The point that it's a choice is a big one. I have always tried to be someone I would respect and not to do or say anything untrue, or that I would regret. But from that final chapter I can see I am not a healthy person in the way I react to issues. I don't have the expectation of conflict and a plan in place for when it happens. I lived in the fantasy that if you were good, and expressed yourself well, there shouldn't be any conflict, and one should be able to be completely open all the time. Restraint and assertiveness is class and honour, and maturity. No one ever taught me that. Thank you for writing and publishing that, and for your videos too. Much appreciation and respect. : )

2:40 "They can make promises then they know they're not going to fulfill them." When one intends to not honor one's word, then *no* promise is made; it's a pantomime.

for someone with self-restrain is sad to find out how many desperate people are all around. Then energy management takes us to very unexpected solutions.

Angry people are jealous and insecure!

I learned a lot. Thanks.

Another fine video! This is a good one for role play and specific situations.

This was excellent. Restraint. So true that learning restraint is not easy. I’m going to have to give this video a couple rewinds. Thank you Dr. C!

Wow thiis was a very good lesson, Dr Les'. Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey I appreciate this video ! I often use toxic anger to express myself! I have tried not use that technique ! But I often do!

Thanks always

It can be exasperating when basically everyone you know has at least one of those types of anger issues on a continuous basis. Maybe they were “birds of a feather “ to begin with and liked each other’s company or they rubbed off on one another, I’m not quite sure. I had to cut them all out of my life. Now that I’m not an emotional wreck myself I have the chance to focus and work on how I can express my own anger and I think I’m doing a pretty good job. As a child and growing up I had two parents with anger issues and didn’t learn what to properly do with that emotion. I believe that it’s a fear based emotion. I think I have to stop and look deeper into it and ask myself what I’m afraid of but overall I’m a much less angry person than I once was and it feels so good. I don’t know why some people are addicted to it. I guess they don’t know how to look within and analyze it and don’t care if they do.

Thank you

Angry people are scared, not powerful

As an angry individual. I dont want to be angry and there disappointments and I am weak. I like to say it so that i still know yes maybe I'm doing for right reasons and I have alot of strength to build it's super hard if I'm honest

they should go to anger management sad thing is they wont so leave them let them go somewhere else be with people that care and recognize u need better life

Well said

I know it's very hard to do, but when people are very rude to me as I ring up their groceries, I try to be consistently nice to them! I think it befuddles them that I didn't stoop to their level! Again, it is very hard to do with very aggressive people because I have failed with edges of sarcasm and yes I have given some people a piece of my mind!!

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Stay strong! Dr. C

Folks are very passive aggressive these days. It's like a massive contest being waged and the the winner is the one who is the least pissed off.

@Coral_Forever

2 жыл бұрын

I love how you define "the winner" -- I am not a competitive person, but that is something I wouldn't mind... peace of mind.

@kk-wh3hb

2 жыл бұрын

@@Coral_Foreverunfortunately, piece of mind doesn't seem to be for most Americans😑

Great way of life

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

I could write a book......

I deployed angry, when I’m tired of fake people’s bullshit. Im very bluntly harsh with my honesty too. I have avoidant personality, and I love peace, and hate loud confrontational nonsensical people, but when I do speak u better have thick ass skin. 😂😂😂😂 I vomit heart attack causing words 😂😂😂😂😂

What's that music at the start.. wow. Eargasm

Rather than self control...Learning to be a person that has calmness. Self control is the last moment before the anger lets loose. I have lost it many times because I felt helpless. And I work on on being calm.

It's just a simple truth, not a lifelong, immovable JUDGMENT. It's what we do; we smile in every picture, even a "funeral" photo. We were at our mom's funeral. The good news is our mom would have wanted us smiling. She lived her life like that. She's like that in death.

Having someone talk to me in terrible ways and then when I react to that, they tell me that I’m thin skinned. If I was to talk to this person in those same ways, they would flip out.

I would like you to talk about the difference between frustration and anger.

Subscribed 👍

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Glad to have you on board! Dr. C

You really do good work Dr C, and thank you! But it seems a bit unfair that Gus doesn't get a "PhD" or anything after his name. Maybe time for an honorary degree?

@DrLesCarter

2 жыл бұрын

Maybe I need to look into a dog Ph.D. program for him. Dr. C

Anger.....liver may need detoxing. Gluten may hurt the liver. Sunlight/Vit D helps gluten issues.

@Clary_Sage

2 жыл бұрын

Sasha, reading your comment led me to think, wouldn’t it be great to be able to de-toxify every toxic person!

@Shasha8674

2 жыл бұрын

@@Clary_Sage People can detox if they are high enough in the good minerals since they will also lose some of these during the detox. Milk thistle/dandelion....Now brand may help detox and sweating. A hair test can monitor mineral levels/heavy metals.

Hi Gus!! 🐶

This must have a lot to do with 'road rage' people. Boy, I have had so many encounters with these folks, I have often considered having ramps put over my car! I suppose an angry person would automatically find driving a challenge, especially if there are other drivers in sight? The angry people I live with find their anger and their road rage a virtue. They actually boast about it! Apparently I am to learn here, that they see no need for any kind of counseling, since this is one of their many virtues...?

Excellent!! I always thought this way. However, like some comments below long years of being pushed by another person's anger is not healthy when you suppress your anger. I suppressed mine for over 60 years. I only had one mode of modus operandi. Calm, nothing spouted out much at all. No voice, more okays than opinions. Not sure that's healthy.

Is that learnable .Hmm. I need to learn this...

See but here's my problem, and I'll give you an example. How can you handle anger when you're asking someone to stop doing something that harms you, something extremely easy to do, and that person just blows you off. You can't live with the harm, and the person doing it doesn't care. My example is a very basic one, not very serious but it got me dealing with anger spirals for a whole day. My roommate keeps turning lights off in rooms I'm using, or actively in. This is new behaviour. The first time i brought it up i got "oops it was automatic" i reminded them they've literally never done this before so if theyre trying to change their behaviour to be more energy efficient, also be more mindful of other people as well. Instead it happened several more times when I'd be sitting in a room and they'd walk through and turn the lights off behind them. Then as i was walking back into a room and she was leaving, she literally blocked 5he doorway with her arm as i was trying to walk in and turned the lights off on me. I just stopped, looked at her, said "seriously?" and turned the lights back on. Then yesterday we were sitting in the living room watching something, i went to the bathroom and came back out to the entire room in darkness. 15ft between me and the closest lightswitch. Tv still on but on a dark screen so i couldn't see anything. I found her outside having a smoke and finally asked her again, "seriously, please stop turning lights off when im in the room. It hasn't been just once or twice now." She just gave me the nastiest look, says "k", then when i ask her to pass me something next to her because my asthma has been acting up lately she just goes "im busy" and keeps scrolling her phone. I just walked away. But inside i was seething. All i could think was what an absolute a-hole she was being and how anyone else we know would've bit her head off for that (ie "stop turning the f-ing lights off on me, whats your f-ing problem!?") but i spend every day walking on eggshells around her and saying everything so kindly, so politely as if im aware she was doing the right thing and couldn't possibly know she was hurting me in some way but anytime i tell her anything, that's basically the best possible response she'll give. Usually it "blank stare, looks back at her phone" or crying about how she's got problems, **or** pulls the "my abusive ex once criticised me for that so i can never hear it from anyone else ever". I didn't want to argue, she certainly wasn't giving me anything to argue about unless i wanted to start attacking her "emotional response" so i walked away and left it. But when i see her, the seething rage seeps back up. It tells me she doesn't care how i feel or how she hurts me, so why should i give her any of my consideration? It says she puts her ego over my pain so why should i hurt myself to be more considerate of her? Why should i bend over backwards for every request she makes but she can even treat me with respect when i ask for something so simple. I spent a day toxic spiralling, trying to self sooth with music and distractions. Tried to convince myself to give her the benefit if the doubt or try talking to her again but the anger felt like it was physically burning me from the inside out and i knew i was in no state for a clean conversation. I couldn't make it go away, I couldn't logic or reason it out, even knowing it was such a small thing didn't help because small things can often be indicative of larger issues and my brain kept sliding over to those. And because of that, everything else started making me angry too. The book i was enjoying, the music i was listening too, my whole body and the chronic pain i usually sublimate just aching with every move. Like .... my roommate turned off the lights on me and now im mad at my back, my family, my doctor for some reason, my frickin socks even. So stupid. I just want it to go away but I can't figure out how to redirect it, or just how not to get mad when someone just ... forgets i exist to the point of shutting down a room I'm standing in. Like, it feels very personal that i rate so low on someone's radar yet still have to interact with them while feeling like they have zero respect for me as a human being. (Just for clarification this is not the only thing going on with us, and there were other things going on below the surface, this was just the most recent trigger. She has a lot of expectations of me and I've only recently started trying to set some healthy boundaries in our years long friendship, which she is not handling well.)

when they cant control u they become angry because u in their mind u insult them now they want ti get u they cant accept some people dont care about ur bs

my Cousin Cookware us like a RUNAWAY train- if she is in a room, you WILL get hurt; she made our hours together so UGLY, tense; a real angry brat( dsughter of 2 drinking parents))

I have anger issues because of my avoident personality. I Know what things I'm angry about..... But do not want to confront people who hurt me. And I do not want to do the work to overcome and move forward. If I can learn to use the resources around me to my benefit without taking advantage of anyone, I would be in a better place. I'm doing the best I can to get there at the moment...

Oh boy, desperate for attention and acknowledgement? Desperate for the hurt to go away too I'll bet!

Desperate people are often angry people, but hey you're the expert

It's a funny thing, and not in a good way. I have a close person who is in a constant rage and was often violent in the past. When the rage comes up whenever we communicate, nothing makes sense. She denies, deflects and projects. When I set boundaries saying i have the right to live in peace and not be around anyone who can blow a fuse at any moment, she demanded i tell the world that i decided to cut someone so close out of my life and see how my readers/listeners react. She started attacking me and my work. I write and have a podcast on human behavior from buddhism to psychopathy, and never implied i am devoid of flaws. I think the fact that i publish my work set her off. Even though i have known narcs for over 40 years, this person still left me with a feeling of dread after the call. It's as though there is a threat of impending harm. How do we protect ourselves and our privacy in an age where all our work is so accessible and narcs get to see what you're doing, thinking etc? The person seems imbalanced and in pain as well. I know there is nothing to be done, but it's hard to remain in contact and it's hard to watch them in this state.

I have a question I hope someone can help me understand. My husband and his family--except his mom--do something like this: They will make a comment, whether it is in response, or "just because." They will look directly into the face of a person and make the comment, (usually a most ridiculous one) and they will maintain the stare, eyes bulging, whether close or across the room, until they get the person to look at them. I used to look just to STOP the stare, but now, I simply continue reading or just walk, or look another direction! But, why do they do this? Lots of people have said this makes them so uncomfortable! After looking at the commenter, the stare will actually continue for some seconds before the commenter looks away! What kind of a power trip is this, for goodness' sake!

@sharonmonathcohen3642

2 жыл бұрын

What I wish I knew, happiness is your best revenge. If I knew about narcissism because my in-laws sucked, I would IGNORE them Don't care about their attitudes. Remember they are sleeping well

Why does a face get stuck with mud on it does it clean itself one face holds its own not two

🌹🌹🌹

I am this person