"Why is the richest person ever, asking the non richest people ever to send him cash' and "You'll have my donation over my dead body, Bill" ARE THE BEST THINGS I'VE VE EVER HEARD

@dofehino5444

2 жыл бұрын

Bill: I take that as consent

@nonyadamnbusiness9887

2 жыл бұрын

It's called a tax deduction. I'd rather give it to the Gates Foundation to do whatever good they can do, than give it to the tax man and see it pissed away on roads to nowhere and meaningless foreign wars.

@dofehino5444

2 жыл бұрын

@@nonyadamnbusiness9887 about that...

Missed opportunity: "You throw money into a wishing well? What do you wish for?" "Usually, we wish that we had more money."

@wordsculpt

2 жыл бұрын

I live in Las Vegas...you are "spot on "!!

@riftsplitter2159

2 жыл бұрын

lmao thats genius

“nonononono we poison the water!” Had me DEAD

@sophialorenz8879

4 жыл бұрын

Literally

@bajiraosingham9495

4 жыл бұрын

I didn't get that joke. Do you guys add chemicals to that water or something ?

@rayajayce2034

4 жыл бұрын

@@bajiraosingham9495 chlorine, so that algae doesn't grow in it

@rrteppo

3 жыл бұрын

@@rayajayce2034 He was right. They don't understand.

@kellyinCT09

3 жыл бұрын

"And if the pool's above ground, you're poor." 🤣

“A swimming pool is a *crocodile free* private lake” Me: *laughs in florida*

@mxbishop

2 жыл бұрын

In every bit of comedy, there is a hint of truth - which is what makes us laugh.

@SaltyShaman

2 жыл бұрын

he didn't say nuthin about no gators..

@gp9550

2 жыл бұрын

the chlorine doesn't hurt them?

@SaltyShaman

2 жыл бұрын

@@gp9550 does it hurt you? Look at your skin, then look at an alligator or crocodile :) I think they're ok in chlorine.

@ulalaFrugilega

2 жыл бұрын

@@gp9550 it does, of course, it hurts every living cell. But they do not LIVE in the pools, they just hunt there.

Cashiers ask you for donations because the million and billion dollar corporations they work for would rather donate your money than their own, that way they get the tax break AND the profits

@zachp5701

4 жыл бұрын

uneedh2o 🤯

@Eastern-Asia

4 жыл бұрын

"Woah how dare a company use tactics that cause no harm in order to make more money!?! Grrrrr! I hate it when people are more successful than me and don't donate all their money! Grrrr!"

@Eastern-Asia

4 жыл бұрын

@@ness7342 It's not a scam. The money is going to charity. Most intelligent people do understand this. Practically no one donates anymore and most companies use their own money. Either way it's not a scam.

@Eastern-Asia

4 жыл бұрын

@@ness7342 temporarily? Do you think that the charities have to give back the money? The companies aren't stealing your money, they're just benefitting from giving the money you donated. It's a win-win-win situation

@robteleeiii8567

4 жыл бұрын

If you paid attention the company says it will match all donations. That is the challenge, to have you determine how much they pay.

He looks adorable and terrifying at the same time.

@sc_arriola382

4 жыл бұрын

100% accurate 😂

@laurahuston2187

4 жыл бұрын

That's his schtick...

@shay_shay_bae4408

4 жыл бұрын

Libertad hah I laughed at tbhsi

@dreadcthulhu5

4 жыл бұрын

Definitely adorafying.

@ardhotma8729

3 жыл бұрын

You hit it on the nail LOL ✌️

Joe’s morbid sense of humor combined with his awkward delivery really just gets me every time. Guy is hilarious. 😂

@seyeolajuyin

2 жыл бұрын

He really gets under your skin. I kinda like it. But honestly it's really hard to be a comedian in our pc world .. I mean people find it so hard to laugh because they don't wanna be "one of those people".

@knuckle12356

2 жыл бұрын

I _just_ discovered this guy. I think he's absolute gold. Wish I could find longer clips of his material.

@chromicapop4595

10 ай бұрын

He’s an icon

A cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the local food pantry. I replied, "No, I'll probably be making a visit there soon." I was actually dead serious the way things are going.

@pristineparr7509

2 жыл бұрын

There is a book called The Game of life and How to play it by Florence Scovel. That joke reminded me of a story in there. You might find it interesting

@wordsculpt

2 жыл бұрын

@Mr. Cool Don't be a jerk. Or an ignoramus. (Look it up. )

@thaliakittycake8496

2 жыл бұрын

@Mr. Cool oh i didn’t know helping people because you have basic human empathy means you’re a socialist. if that’s your definition of socialism, then i’m the biggest communist you’ll ever meet.

@calisongbird

2 жыл бұрын

@Mr. Cool giving to charities is the polar OPPOSITE of socialism, dumba$$… Charities are capitalism’s answer to addressing poverty.

@riftsplitter2159

2 жыл бұрын

Sad that this is a bit too accurate for how inflated all the prices are here in america

“If your pool is above ground it means your poor” 😂🤣

@geraldfrost4710

2 жыл бұрын

Yep. I paid $25 for that kiddy wading pool. A better investment than taking the family to the movies (with popcorn and soda, and a snack on the way home.)

@TheEnigmaticDeenTruth

2 жыл бұрын

*FACTS*

@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026

2 жыл бұрын

I wish I was poor enough to afford an above ground pool...

@chucksolutions4579

2 жыл бұрын

@@amphibeingmcshpongletron5026 Indeed

@elenajones6507

2 жыл бұрын

Lmao 🤣... give more jokes! I wish you could hit me up privately

"Not so good...too many fat kids....🤷🏽‍♀️ too much food over here!" 😂😂😂😂😂

@MrMutou

4 жыл бұрын

Lol too many soft parents more like..when i was a kid mom's said "get out my face" which meant take yo ass outside😂

@trickyzenmom

4 жыл бұрын

@@MrMutou Same here!!! We were outside (other than homework and supper) until the street lights came on...bath and bedtime! 🤷🏽‍♀️

@MrMutou

4 жыл бұрын

@@trickyzenmom Exactly!

@Sickwitit18

4 жыл бұрын

@@trickyzenmom good times up the hill 🤙🏾 my dad would whistle from the backyard and I could hear it all the way up the street and that meant time to come home lol

@trickyzenmom

4 жыл бұрын

@@Sickwitit18 yessss! 😂 my mom had a super loud red whistle she blew if she needed us back in for something before the street lights clicked on. Very distinct sound. Good times back then!

“…and if the pool’s above ground, that means you’re poor.” That got me! XDDD

This man could say anything and his delivery makes it funny

Me, a European, reads the title: “This oughta be good”

@Overton_Windows

4 жыл бұрын

M 08 unless you’re Eastern European you’re still a first world country with first world problems.

@wisemafalda

4 жыл бұрын

@@Overton_Windows Greece here. You were saying?

@brilleargasm7342

4 жыл бұрын

Me, a South African

@ladistar

3 жыл бұрын

@@brilleargasm7342 how are things going in South Africa right now

@Katya_Lastochka

2 жыл бұрын

But all these things can be said about Europeans too.

when people ask me to donate to charities i politely say "oh, no thank you!" as if they're the ones offering me something!

@caseyjason-ws3fr

4 жыл бұрын

Hahahahahahahahhah

@ToryIsCooliest

4 жыл бұрын

@No No If it's a cashier, they don't actually care. Their employers require them to ask. You're being rude to the wrong people.

@LegacyFTW

4 жыл бұрын

Well, they are offering you the opportunity to donate lol

@luminaraunduli2791

4 жыл бұрын

"No thank you, the offer was rewarding enough." Hahaha!!!

@flyguyry1

4 жыл бұрын

How is that answer give any indication of you feeling sorry for them?

When you give to charity even though you need the charity yourself XD

@nayemalaboni8318

4 жыл бұрын

Yuh I can relate to that

@isaidno.5650

4 жыл бұрын

@Agent J failure??

@wordsculpt

2 жыл бұрын

Empathy.

Rich people asking for money for their charity, is like a kid with a thousand Hershey Bars telling the kid with one Hershey Bar he should split his in half and share with others.

Rich people give to charity to avoid paying taxes and look generous while doing so.

@alistairt7544

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly. These companies that ask for donations to a dedicated charity/ies get tax breaks anyway. If I want to donate something, I'd rather donate food, clothes, toys, etc., to my local charity organisations and directly help my own community. The larger national and international ones already have big benefactors lol

@reynaldoponce3422

2 жыл бұрын

Doesn't matter end result is Charities are getting money.

As a south African he's right

4 жыл бұрын

Just for that: you are never getting Elon Musk back.

@rmtab6511

4 жыл бұрын

Yeah South African are mostly very skinny people, and nobody has ever heard of swimming pools.

@edahnndlovu274

4 жыл бұрын

As a South African, we also have an obesity problem, and there are by-laws in Johannesburg about having fences around your swimming pool because too many children have drowned in them. You would have to live somewhere very rural not to have swum in a swimming pool or at least seen one.

@ItumelengS

4 жыл бұрын

When you get to KFC and ask you, how many kids you'd like to sponsor, feels so attacking

@TheLeloM

4 жыл бұрын

@@ItumelengS giving that R2 is a touchy subject.... I don't even know if the money actually reaches the kids

When a cashier asked me to round up to "support the troops" I said that I already support the troops. She asked "family?" No. I pay taxes. It was awkward. But then I asked if she could round down to support me. I thought it sounded fair.

@geraldfrost4710

2 жыл бұрын

There's a guy who asks the cashier for 10% off. "Do you have a coupon?" they always ask. "No, I'd just like 10% off." And sometimes it works! It would embarrass my ex-wife every time. So there was no actual downside.

@Vohlfied

2 жыл бұрын

Heyo, the most heavily-funded organization in the world, considered by everyone other autonomous State on the planet to be a terrorist organization, wants MORE of YOUR money. Do YoU wANa sUpOrT THe tRoOPs?

Oh, and when we throw that money out, we make sure to only throw out coins with actual intrinsic value, and when we're not throwing them into a pit so deep they cannot be recovered, we throw them into fountains and chastise anyone who tries to fish them out. Now, let me tell you what donuts are. Basically, that is our word for when we convert a large portion of our abundant agricultural resources into little delicacies that go stale so quickly the majority of them end up in a dumpster shortly after being made. Oh, and yes, we punish the hungry people who try to take them from the dumpsters before the donuts can be rendered permanently inedible.

What's a swimming pool?.....oh you're not going to like this 😂

@jordanlewis4983

3 жыл бұрын

“Crocodile-free private lake” lmao

Quite possibly the best critique of the excesses of western living I've seen so far.

I got an ad for a charity on this video... I think they're listening

@FloatLikeButter

4 жыл бұрын

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I swear he looks like what I think a Cherub looks like.

@ravissary79

4 жыл бұрын

A beast-faced 4 winged, eye covered terrifying creature from the bible who guards the throne of God? Harsh bro.

@DarkManSonian

4 жыл бұрын

@@ravissary79 sounds metal AF

@ravissary79

4 жыл бұрын

@@DarkManSonian it is... it so very much is.

@TheTibetyak

2 жыл бұрын

Look at some of the cherub paintings from the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo. Now ask yourself: Is the face of Joe Machi what I really want looking down at me, clad in a skimpy toga, batting his wings and eyes at me?

@DarkManSonian

2 жыл бұрын

@@TheTibetyak Yes, why yes I think I do.

“Over my dead body, Bill” 🤣🤣🤣

No nononono....we poison the water...

This is such a hard type of comedy to attempt and succeed and Joe is so good at delivering. This guy is a genius and is so impressive as a unique comedian; he deserves a larger audience who appreciates and cognize his art form.

Reminds me of Weird Al’s song, First World Problems, from which my favorite line is: My Sonicare won’t recharge and now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderthal! -Phill, Las Vegas

@PeaceBeStill-

2 жыл бұрын

😂

Bro looks like a 40 lesbian and a 10 year old little boy at the same time

@omegaalphaeren3148

3 жыл бұрын

True that

@davewilson4765

3 жыл бұрын

Ha ha yep

@kevinfan726

3 жыл бұрын

I just assumed he was a trans male until I read about him and apparently not.

@Spidido

2 жыл бұрын

@@kevinfan726 He's not?! Wow

@gregwillson7952

2 жыл бұрын

@@Spidido Nah he's just like that. I remember seeing him on Last Comic Standing years ago. I'm glad he's toned down the squeaky voice.

He had me at “We poison the water.”

His cheek bones are amazing!

Looks like him and Pee-Wee Herman share the same make-up artist.

@Sickwitit18

4 жыл бұрын

Pee-Wee Herman *is* his make-up artist.

Those grocery stores asking for donations aren't doing it to help. Imagine the millions of dollars that we give them and they turned around and ride it off on their taxes. Only a fool will donate through a retail or a grocery store

Sharing this from another list, but it's along the same lines

This comedian was on a season of Last Comic Standing. He didn't win, sadly, despite being the funniest one there.

@africaRBG

4 жыл бұрын

That was a pretty tough season though. Joe did well and clearly created a name for himself, so thats good at least.

@naureenr.s.4065

4 жыл бұрын

I watched that season and I was bummed that he didn't win

@rebeccakirk9783

4 жыл бұрын

Joe was my favorite 😭

@j-hp2449

4 жыл бұрын

Meh, he got torched by Sam Morril. Even in this set I don't find him excessively funny; he makes me smile but these are good points I have already heard from regular people and from comics (even though I can't quite remember who I have heard it from before as of now).

@ladistar

3 жыл бұрын

@@j-hp2449 it’s not his material that makes him great, it’s the delivery, he can say just about anything and make it funny all because of his stilted awkwardness.

1:10 That grin after he said "I don't care" is hilarious.

When he said Bill Gates said his riches would be donated after he died, me and my broke ass thought out loud, "Well, same" like what riches 😂

Joe, “oh I’m sorry, I don’t care about the orphans”. “A crocodile free private lake we keep in our back yards and never use”. Brilliant!!! When is Joe coming to Buckhead?

Love seeing him on Gutfield too.

“Most of those kids are dead now” fucking LOL

“ we poisoned the water” 😂😂

I just simply say I'm not gonna contribute to some CEOs bloated salary under the illusion of charity. Do your research...everyone paid a million dollars and zero profit....best scam going today!

@austinhall3937

4 жыл бұрын

Second best scam, religions got this beat.

@austinhall3937

4 жыл бұрын

@Tala Habern when you donate at stores the stores then donate that to what ever charity they choose and use all the donations as a tax write off. Large stores usually use charities they have a hand in. You're actually helping the rich guy 2x

Joe is the kid! Love him, and this was a great special when it was on. Kinda of weird that Comedy Central is putting out this chunk with no real ending as standalone clip now, but whatever. Go see Joe live, and listen to his podcast 'Keeping Joe'!

He has a consistent deer in headlights look

This is the face of confusion, it confuses me. 😂😂😂😂

@emmy9three326

4 жыл бұрын

Quoin Entertainment 😂😂

Great swimming pool humor

Reminds me of the character Pat

@LovelyAngel.

4 жыл бұрын

Joe Wisniewski I wonder how you pronounce your surname

@hz3917

4 жыл бұрын

@@LovelyAngel. "Smith"

@cecilycook5592

4 жыл бұрын

HELL YEAH 🤣🤣🤣🤣 i have NEVER seen a reference to that movie EVER 😖😭💖💖💖💖

@joewisniewski9206

4 жыл бұрын

@@LovelyAngel. wis-new-skee

@tanishaweary9154

4 жыл бұрын

Joe Wisniewski perfect description !!!! Soooo confusing

Joe Machi is genius. Comedy gold.

I love this dudes stand-up. One of the funniest people to do it.

I laughed for so long when he said, "We poison the water," that I got exercise.

Geez lots of rude comments. Doesn’t matter if he is trans or not we came here for the jokes. This dude’s hilarious!

@rowynnecrowley1689

4 жыл бұрын

It's called "roasting". See above re: jokes. If you need me to tell you that, you probably shouldn't be here.

“You’re not gonna like this...”

He looks so uncomfortable up there...but it adds to the act. 7/10 I like it.

I loved "no, no, no. We poison the water."

One thing you should know about wishing wells though: I don't know about you people in USA, but over here in Europe that money is collected to actually help maintaining the city, the very old architecture etc. which costs AL LOT! So that is actually donating to the maintenance of the community with a specific purpose (where tax distribution will not necessarily do a good job). There is enough money and resources. It's ALWAYS that darn distribution problem. Plus, for a rule: no status will save us of problems 😂 They occur in any situation but they do occur on completely different levels. Which is another reason we'd all do better if we distributed resources more evenly. We'd have more even distribution of issues on comparable levels and could concentrate research and funds on a smaller scale of issues. Which makes even just the logistics part if it much cheaper.

Can't wait to see this guy again in March!!

Perhaps the most underrated standup comedian working today.

We have so much clean water, even in a drought we still poop in perfectly drinkable water and then flush it away. Hell, we heat and pour gallons of it over our heads every day just to feel fresh.

@calisongbird

2 жыл бұрын

It depends where you live. Most municipalities do not use potable water for toilets. A few do.

@DJ_Force

2 жыл бұрын

@@calisongbird I'm not aware of any place in the US that distributes both potable and non-potable water to houses. Where do they do that?

Guy sounds like all of Jeff Dunham's puppets put together

@BruceWaynesLabCoat

4 жыл бұрын

😂😂😂

Love this guy, think he's hilarious. Execution of his jokes is really good.

Reminds me of the old Leno joke when they tell starving Kimba that in America we don't eat the potato, we put a mouth, eyes, nose and hat on it to amuse our kids.

Yoooo!!! It’s a real life “It’s Pat” 😂😂🤣🤣🤣 If you don’t get it, Google it

He is even funnier in person, and he's a real nice guy.

The pool jokes had me laughing sooo hard! LOL

Timmy from Whitest Kids U Know is doing well for himself!

The wishing well joke is hilarious.

What a funny woman! Great show!

@elpanderohabanero2915

Жыл бұрын

You should not be boasting that much about yourself Kid, it's weird... 😐

@gbbrunne1647

Жыл бұрын

That's a guy

That last bit is so damn true though

Joe Machi... What can we say about a full-grown man who’s been permanently friend-zoned by puberty? I’ve been a fan since his Red Eye TV late night appearances.

Wow, someone's being real brave and honest. I did not expect this. And I am so pleased.

I love those NFL football matches!!! My favorite part is when a player catches a goal!

"...You're not gonna like this" 😆

His jokes are getting better and more refined good job freak face :)

Take a bow Joe Machi! Amazing 5 minutes!

Charity rarely helps anyone but the growth of salaries for the owners! Fact!

And here comes the “Share the Meals” advertisements

Joe is great. Watched him from when he was on Red Eye

If I had a pool,Id use my swimming pool every day. Infact, when I have a pool,I'll use my swimming pool every day. Really funny guy😋. And he's kinda cute too. My favorite joke was "over my dead body Bill"😂😂😂.

@dianeaishamonday9125

4 жыл бұрын

I've seen him live and going to see him again. He's even cuter in person!

In defense of the pool here in the California desert, the kids and I turn off the ac and jump in the pool during peak hours.

I keep rewinding so I can focus on the jokes instead of his looks. I keep failing. 😅🤣🤦🏽‍♂️ Update: he is actually pretty funny. 👏👏

“Pool above ground means you’re poor.” 🤣🤣🤣

Bro this guy is hilarious. Hope to see more of him

Foriegner: What do you do with the Wishing Well? Me: You throw money in it and make a wish. Foriegner: What do you wish for? Me: Usually more money.

I always say no but thanks for asking😁

I feel like he sounds like Frances McDormand from Fargo, the movie. I love it! Hahahaha

Ha! That's so true! I left America 4 years ago and now when I hear America's problems I just shake my head and think, if they only knew

Last Comic Standing brought me here.🤣🤣🤣

Put glasses on him and people will think he’s Hannah Gadsby. But, they’ll be confused because they don’t remember Gadsby ever being funny

@dietisnotdifficult3305

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks - that's who he reminds me of!!

I wasn't sure about him in the beginning but he just murdered it!

First time seeing him, because I saw him on FOX today. Looked this up and man is he the funniest guy. Yes the delivery is as perfect as can be.

If you feel bad for not donating to charity just make a personal donation. Stores use your donations as a tax write off, just find a charity you believe in and donate personally. Win win, you get to feel good about yourself and keep the tax write off

Joe sounds like he could make a great Scooby-Doo narrator

This is excellent quality stand up.

You can feed a starving child for the cost of a cup of coffee ... well that just shows how expensive coffee has become, eh?

@g.anthonybenjamin281

2 жыл бұрын

Why are they feeding starving children coffee?

We poison the water 🤣🤣🤣

Joe Machi went from Fox News's Frightened correspondent, to Comedy Central, to hosting the most-watched late-night talk show in the world, in a little over ten years. This guy is the best.

Jiminy Cricket this ma...wo... comic had me laughing non-stop.

"When you have money you don't want to hold anymore..."

The comments section is where the real jokes are, this poor guy is getting roasted.

@oneandone2744

4 жыл бұрын

He probably enjoys them more than We do. LOL.

Idk if it's the fact that I'm watching this at night with minimal brightness, but his eyes look cartoonishly oversized. It's great!